#marrecarandgi

[noemitenshi]

@marrecarandgi

ok so, the mommy issues: he does have them though i don't think they are sexual in nature (which is also why i don't like to call them 'mommy issues'--- theres always a certain… connotation attached (and on top of that it sounds, to me, like blaming the victim. not saying you're doing it! not at all! Just describing my aversion to that particular phrase as best as i can)).

So what that whole thing boils down to is that he never experienced the love of his parents, that's where it stems from. That's part of why he fixates on Madison so hard. BC already in the first ep of s3, moments after he greets madison, he watches her declare her love for her kids and for travis. "do you love him more than your life?" he asks her and the way he looks at her… like that's such a strange thing to him and at the same time he'd wished someone would love him that much. or like even half as much. hell, he'd take a quarter! It's kinda heartbreaking. He's drawn to such a love and jealous too. Of course he is, he never got it. And then he finds out who her son is she got in such danger for and… is angry at him. Angry that he has such love in his life and just--- treats it with such disrespect (=bc he's a junkie and also bc he clearly ran away from his mom). I think it reminds him of the relationship with his own mom, how HE had such love for her and how she had only disdain for him and for his love. And while he can't hate his mom - i mean i think he does. but he also loves her. feelings for his mom are complicated… but with NICK it's not complicated. He can just hate him. So yeah there's a lot of projecting going on. None of it sexual though, I don't believe so. Explains part of his fixation though. AND THEN on top of her apparent love, she immediately turns around and tries to manipulate him. "My, my son, he's out there, somewhere. Alone. I'm sure if you were lost in the wasteland, your mother would do anything to find you" Definitely he loves the way Madison could play his games (the way she did even as she was disadvantaged, even as she was scared), the way she tried to manipulate him AND also the way she loved, those two things drew him to her. Personally I think he was most taken in by the 'she keeps at it even while she's afraid what he'll do' thing she had going on. Pushing onwards despite. Does it remind him of himself? Most certainly. He loves to draw that out of her, that bravery, that opposition. After all, he likes people pushing back it's attention, it's caring enough to engage with him, not just dismissing him… And I think a third aspect in their relationship is that he also wants her to.. teach him, in a way. Because they're pretty similar - both manipulative and clever, wanting to control all others around them and not afraid to do what needs to be done (in their eyes) - but then! She's got a family that loves her. If she could just teach him how she did that… he could have a shot at that too. At long last he could have that, too! If only she could teach him her secret.

So yes, his family did fuck with his head badly, he's certainly got issues. And it comes out as desperate to make connections, as soaking up attention and affection wherever he gets it, no matter how dangerous it is. He knows full well Madison is playing him but he just can't NOT engage, at least in s3. I'm so fucking happy for him he got over that in s8. How heartbreaking would that have been otherwise… And I think the reason he got over it is because he finally got what he was craving - someone that loves him. Not wanting to use him or someone who merely tolerates him, but honestly, truly loves him. First Serena (I assume) and then definitely Tracy.

--

Now about the 180 he did wrt killing Madison - honestly that's just bad writing in my opinion and having everything rushed because they wanted to do too much for 12 eps. That's how it felt while watching haha. (Same btw for Tracy suddenly saving Madison what the fuck come on get out of here with this shit omg). Anyway, what I could imagine is going on here: he knows he's fucked (chances of surviving this and actually getting tracy to safety pretty low) so he does what he thinks will most likely ensure Tracy's safety. Getting on the good side of these people (by saving Madison).

It's still a stretch, I know, but makes more sense than 'he saw into her eyes and realized bla bla bla' come on! Orrrr maybe he realized her dying now, without anything she believes in is no punishment for her. She *needs* to believe in the same shit Serena did so it really hurts her when she dies. She'll feel like she's losing out on something, or whatever. Now it seems like she welcomes death. She even said it to him didnt she. Something along the lines that padre will be safe without ppl like them around. She wants to die. So. He saves her. (Just like she didn't kill him when he begged her back in s3. she just sent him into exile). I kinda see this one as the most likely explanation. Also makes sense he wasn't paying attention to Madison, just worried about Tracy. Because that's his number 1 prioority.

---

Now naming Tracy Tracy still has me scratching my head and calling bullshit. Sorry, no in-universe explanation for it, writers were being stupid. Probably thought 'oh this will show he really really cares about family bc he named her after his mom' or whatever.

#troy otto #madison clark #tracy otto #ftwd #ramblings #fear the walking dead

[thyfggfy]

marrecarandgi and I when we talk about Isaac Lahey :

marrecarandgi and I when we talk about Allison Argent :

@marrecarandgi , I've thought about you today 👉👈 ..... Still friends 🥺?

#might delete this If they don't respond #because it would be hella embarrassing #isaac lahey #allison argent

[nephilimeq]

1-2 hey, just a heads up. i suggest you to block user @marrecarandgi as soon as you can. she's a rabid scott with an obsessive hate boner for stiles and derek, and she can't stand people criticizing scott's canon flaws and shitty actions/behavior. i see they have already crept in the notes of your latest post (excellent meta and character analysis, by the way), and since she and her scott mccall apologism squad friends have the habit of harassing anyone who criticize and/or dislike scott,

Already did! 😁

[autistichansolo]

@marrecarandgi replied to your photo “one of these aren’t like the others bc one of them is a freaking...”

Even when you try to look at these as parallels, it fails apart. With A/P and H/L it’s the guy assuming that the girl is afraid, and her confirming that he’s wrong. Kylo is assuming that Rey is afraid, but her line is not about her fear. So, those are not even the same tropes

True!

and it really just shows how reyl0s just take everything out of context and how they just think bc someone is saying the same word it makes a parallel and are similar even tho most of the time it just falls apart when you actually look at it. 

#marrecarandgi #replies #anti reylo

[alicentsgf]

How sure are you about Rey being a Solo? I've been reading through your theory tag, and while there are some compelling/poetic arguments, it seems a bit too convoluted to me. Definitely not as easy as "Rey, I am your father. You were kidnapped. Your mom is dead." Because that's how the OT rolled - with little to no explanation. And, yes, it's because there was little to no planning, but still. It's a great theory, wether it will be canon or not. Still, how sure you are about it?

i don’t know if i’m 100% sure? but honesty i feel like im past wondering about being right or not now. i’ve been the person everyone expects to fight for rey solo for so long now theres not one argument against this theory i don’t already have a counter for. all thats left to do is wait and see.

im cool with the idea she could be lukes though, and i think it’s possible, rey skywalker is my second choice. i actually though rey was luke’s until a couple of weeks after tfa’s release when i started writing theories and found the rey solo argument had way more depth. rey solo is just the story i prefer and the story that makes more sense to me given how much tfa revolved around the solo family and their failings. i don’t want rey’s story to be a mirror of the OT - and i think it’s time star wars highlighted a mother/daughter legacy for once. 

#ask #hope this answers your question #marrecarandgi

[jeusus]

marrecarandgi

replied to your

photoset

:

For @general-and-knight

Are you just in a mood, or did I block all fun discourse from my dash? I mean, should I pop my biggest corn and prepare for some fun reading time?

Nah, I just block the blogs as soon as I see them now. I have people showing me the funny posts, and I like to venture into the anti Hux/Kylux tag for a good laugh but I haven’t seen anything new apart from that lovely one who called every single one of us Kyluxers and Reylos, no exception, real life Nazis and cancer to humanity. That one was a riot lol. 

#marrecarandgi #kylux discourse

[datenight]

marrecarandgi replied to your post “the connection rey feels to kylo is obviously because they’re...”

Well, technically, when Leia is sending Rey off to Luke, she fiddled with the seals in Rey's jacket and refers to her actions as "foolish nonsense", yet says that "it felt so right, and so natural, to be doing so." That and Rey, who is, obviously, Force sensitive, thinking about Han as her father figure after knowing him for about 24 hours, make Rey Solo far more probably than Rey Kenobi. And I'm not even a Rey Solo theorist. It's just that Rey and Leia do feel a connection and show it.

i wasn’t saying rey doesn’t feel connected to leia. i’m saying she doesn’t feel the same “mysterious pull” to leia that she feels towards kylo. this post was directed at the argument that this unexplained connection between rey and kylo is because they are related, which doesn’t make sense because if rey was lukes daughter she would be more closely related to leia than to kylo and would at least be able to recognize that the connection she felt to kylo was similar. additionally, kylo also should feel a smilier connection to rey that he feels towards the rest of his family, but it’s explicitly stated that he doesn’t understand the connection they share either. neither rey or kylo seem to have any idea what the connection between them is, which i think means they definitely have a force bond, not a blood relation

#marrecarandgi #anti rey skywalker

[skywalkerapologist]

marrecarandgi replied to your post “Given that the track listings for Star Wars soundtracks have usually...”

How did you miss "Hux is actually a child of Luke and Mara" theory?! Everyone is a Skywalker. EVERYONE.

Funny thing is, everyone’s favorite spoiler gods aka MakingStarWars were among the first to “leak” that Hux was actually Luke’s child in disguise.

#marrecarandgi #replies #don't believe everything you read kiddos #the parentage discourse #fandomwank #swmeta

[teaganaliss]

marrecarandgi replied to your post “perhapsnowhere replied to your post “God Lagertha. You either die a...”

tbh being shot in the back is not dying in battle. what is essential to the dying in battle concept is showing bravery in the face of danger, and aslaug didn't get that, she was murdered - a whole different concept.

^^^^

Exactly. I hate this plot.

#marrecarandgi #vikings

[galadhir]

I was tagged by @monstermashpotato Thank you!

Rules: Answer the questions then ask 11 of your own.

1.Whats your favorite movie of all time?

It’s probably still Blade Runner. It no longer looks as groundbreaking as it did when it was new. But only because every movie afterwards copied it.

2. If you could go back in time, when would you go back to?

The later part of King Alfred’s reign. I fancy being an Abbess of an Anglo-Saxon dual monastery.

3. What’s the first fandom you remember being a part of? 

Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. I wrote many stories and half a novel about Qui-Gon Jinn

4. What is your least favorite food?

Meat and fish. I am so far the only vegetarian I’ve ever heard of who doesn’t eat meat entirely because they don’t like the taste.

5. If you had to live with one character for the rest of your life you would it be?

Out of a choice of Qui-Gon, Celeborn, James Norrington, Everett Young and Hux it would have to be Qui-Gon again. At least he would look after the garden.

6. What’s your favorite song to listen to?

Don’t Forget to Breathe by Alexi Murdoch

7. What’s your best childhood memory?

Swimming in a heated outdoor pool in Moscow with the snow falling on my head.

8. If you could pick any celebrity to be stuck in an elevator with who would it be?

Do they have to be currently alive? Tolkien, if not.

9. What’s a new skill you would like to learn?

I want to learn to play a louder instrument than the tin-whistle. Saxophone, maybe.

10. Are you an indoor or outdoor kind of person?

Both. I’m indoors most of the time, but I do like to go out to the woods and cook on a camp fire and assemble a lean-to and all that.

11. What is your star sign?

Cancer

My new questions:

Favourite food?

Favourite character out of all your fandoms?

Why?

Do you have a pattern in the characters you go for?

What folk dance would you do if you had to choose one?

Science-fiction or Fantasy?

What’s your MBTI type?

How do you feel about discourse/meta?

What is your favourite OTP all about?

Do you have an original novel in the works? If so, tell us about it.

What’s your favourite season?

I tag @reaperlight @darthlenaplant @farfaravvay @darth-maul-official @elviscl @hippediva @jackandsamforever @kenzadalis @lingering-nomad @marrecarandgi @nylazor

[noemitenshi]

The moon bathes your face in gentle light

A Troy Otto post s8 Imagine/story of how Tracy and him started to heal after the events of that horrible season.

The idea came to me after a conversation with @marrecarandgi so many thanks for that! It wouldn't exist without you 🧡

Let's jump into it.

As per our agreement, Troy Otto definitely 100% survived the stabbing by Madison. I'm not gonna be thinking too much about how (taking a page out of canon's book - they never explained how he survived the hit to the head nor getting stabbed by Alicia either. Guess he's just *that good*). So, Troy survives, though I'm sure it's not pretty. By the skin of his teeth, in immense pain, and fearing for his daughter. Maybe not so much her survival because he gave his best didn't he. But what his lie will do to her. Now that this didn't kill him (again, again it didn't kill him). And every waking hour he imagines Tracy with Madison, imagines Madison turning Tracy against *him*. And he wishes it would be enough to know she survives but of course it's not. It's a father's pain he's bearing now (on top of the gaping gut wound, though he probably did something about that...), the loss of his daughter. Not the end of her life but the end of her love. And he has to be patient now, has to *heal* and it takes time, he knows it does (he's been through this before). He can't rush these things but god he wishes he could, he feels he's going crazy with this, waiting. Waiting never was his strong suite, he'd always preferred to act, however rashly. Preferred to *do* not think. And now thinking is the only thing that he *can* do. It takes weeks. Months, before he is halfway fit again (and probably a lot of sheer dumb luck, again, don't think too much about this). Anyway, the point is, he knows how to fight for things, how to go on despite, *how to survive* and he puts his all into it now. So he may get his daughter back (don't think about her, don't think about her, just get better). And once he is, better, he's putting everything into finding her. He *has to*. And of course he does. Probably sneaks into the camp at night and slits Madison's throat (like he should've done way back in s3...). If Alicia's there I don't think she survives this either. And then he takes his daughter and they leave. Off into the sunset they ride (or, I guess, sunrise. Since it was night). Now. Probably both of them will have some new trauma to deal with. Troy for, well, having been stabbed and losing his daughter (even for a bit) and losing his men and their kids and the safe place to call him he almost had in his hands... and Tracy for having lived with the killer of her dad - and thinking that her father had died. So, it's a lot for both of them. And I think both of them only start feeling these things when they have one another again (Tracy because she finally feels safe again and Troy because now his mind can finally stop thinking nonstop about getting Tracy back and uh starts processing all that other shit). So they aren't in the best place, emotionally speaking. Troy is bitter (though he really tries with Tracy. I do think he is still good with her, there's just now an edge in him that wasn't there before). And Tracy... Tracy probably has nightmares and panic/anxiety attacks - probably also bursts of anger at her dad. This is difficult on both of them... probably reminding Troy of his own childhood (the bursts of almost unexplained anger) and he's gonna have to work extra hard not to react like his parents (in high-stress situations it is very likely to fall back to well-known behaviorial patterns after all and what he knows *really well* is how his parents dealt with him when he behaved "badly"). So no wonder is he bitter/moody. On top of it all they still don't have a place to call home and maybe are just wandering around in search for... something. Not even sure he feels like he could built a new community since he lost his men - from the way they were it seemed like they were together for a while now. That has got to hurt. And maybe he feels safer, wandering around, not staying anywhere too long. (Maybe he is trying to run away, from these feelings - not that he can. he knows that. but the urge is still in him and so he gives into this, for a little. he's already stretched so very thin, he can't fight himself on this front now, too).

And one night when they've been scouting a bit too long, they stumble into another person's camp. or, well, it's not really a camp, not even a fire going, that's why they didn't avoid this spot, just a man curled on the ground, right by a tree. He woke, of course, when Troy stumbled over his feet. He didn't hesitate to give Tracy the signal to get out of sight, NOW, while he regained his footing, hand going to the pistol on his side while he eyed the stranger, who was slowly straightening into a sitting position, blinking slowly.

"you!"

They both spoke simultaneously and Troy's hand twitched with the need to draw his weapon when he saw who that man was. He *knew* him. And the second he'd recognized him, he felt like fate had slapped him. On both cheeks. That was...

"crazy dog"

That couldn't be true. But it was, he was here. What where all these ghosts from his past doing here?! When would he finally find peace from all of that!??!

"Troy Otto..." Crazy Dog replied. *He* didn't seem tense. Didn't seem alarmed. He looked - different, too, then back at the ranch. And Troy wasn't sure if it was just his missing anger or - something else? Haggard, he realized, Crazy Dog was haggard. Seemed tired too or was that because he'd leaned his head against the tree trunk and continued to look at Troy silently. Troy furrowed his brows. That was... not at all the reaction he had expected. It was so out of left field that he heard himself ask

"aren't you gonna draw your weapon?"

God, what was he doing?! Did he *want* a violent confrontation?

"No." Crazy Dog's answer was - not firm, not really. But it still had an air of finality to it. It had come faster than anything else he said (or did) before, too. Troy blinked. Mouthed 'no' uncomprehendingly. What was going on? The Crazy Dog he remembered had been dead set on killing him - had only waited for Troy to give him a reason, *any* reason. This, now, was the perfect opportunity to do so. But he seemed wholly uninterested in that. Not even bothered by Troy standing in front of him. Not *threatened*. Troy pulled his lips back into a snarl.

"I'm gonna be taking your things," he announced. Didn't even know why. Did he *want* to anger the other man?

"Don't have much anyway," Crazy Dog said mildly and - what was wrong with him!? Didn't he *care*?!

"Dad?"

Troy froze. Tracy apparently had figured there was no danger - no wonder, Crazy Dog hadn't even risen, still leaning almost relaxed against the tree trunk; both their voices were calm and Troy hadn't drawn his own weapon either.

"Dad?" Crazy Dog repeated and Troy swallowed uncomfrotably. *Afraid*. Would that tidbit finally compell the other man to be cruel? Was that what it would take to bring the Crazy Dog of old to the forefront? And without him even noticing he'd stepped in front of Tracy, blocking her from Crazy Dog's view, his face a stony mask.

"Take it."

Troy couldn't quite process what Crazy Dog had said to him, it didn't make sense. Not even a little. He must've looked confused, because Crazy Dog repeated, "My things" and nodded to the backpack, "Take them all." And it looked like - was that a slight smile tugging at Crazy Dog's lips? Was he having a stroke!? Or was Troy? Something wasn't right - but then again, why would he look a gift horse in the mouth? So he leaned down and took the backpack - somehow still expecting to be stabbed in the back. But no. Nothing like that was happening. *Nothing* was happening, actually. Just Crazy Dog looking at him, still with that almost smile. Even when he slung the backpack over his shoulder nothing changed.

"Thank you" that was Tracy, coming to stand right besides Troy, looking at Crazy Dog curiously. Her words were honest and Troy had the urge to pull her back behind himself again. Especially when Crazy Dog's gaze slid to her. That was it, wasn't it? He'd do what Troy had feared, attack them after all. Why did Tracy have to go and draw his attention like that---

But nothing like that happened. The only thing moving were the corners of Crazy Dog's mouth, deepening the slight smile a little - so it actually looked like a smile now. Somehow it made him appear even more tired. *Exhausted*. That's what it was. That was why he looked so different to how Troy remembered him. Not the years etched on his face, nor even the haggardness. It was the air of defeat around him. He *never once* had seemed defeated back then... He nodded at Tracy, kindly - again something that didn't fit with Troy's experience with that man. His daughter was smiling back and Troy stared. Seeing her smile, especially towards strangers, had become so seldom these days. So seldom after - Madison.

Tracy caught his gaze and raised her eyebrows demandingly. What was she--- oh.

"Thanks," he mumbled quickly, and watched his daughter smile at him now sweetly. He grinned back.

What he wouldn't do to have her smile like that.

Tracy looked suddenly around, searchingly. Troy enjoyed watching her when she got like this. Curious, inquisitive. About to solve some kind of puzzle in her mind. It was a delight, getting to see how her brain worked.

"Uhm...should we maybe stay here, dad? Until morning?"

Today was just full of unexpected things wasn't it? Never could he have predicted her saying exactly those words. 'No!' was his first impulse, he did not want to stay longer around Crazy Dog than he had to. Taking his things probably was already a mistake. Made them spend more time than necessary here... But then, this wasn't the kind of dad he was. Had made sure of it. Painstakingly. So, he asked,

"Why do you say that?"

"...it's not the safest spot..." she mumbled. Oh. She wanted to make sure Crazy Dog was ok. That was... Troy didn't know what that was.

"That's alright," Crazy Dog said before Troy could think of a reply, "I'll get home at first light. Don't you worry about me." His voice was still wrong. Different now though. Different now that he was talking to Tracy. Not as... devoid as before.

"We really should get going." Troy didn't waste time trying to hurry Tracy along. Especially since Crazy Dog seemed to be doing the same.

"Dad!" Tracy was tugging at his shirt "Dad, we can get him home right?" Then she turned to Crazy Dog "Our car isn't far from here, we-"

"Tracy." Troy's voice wasn't loud, nor especially harsh but she still stopped speaking. She knew it was his no-nonsense tone. The one that said she didn't have all information, didn't see all consequences of her actions. She didn't like when he used it and couldn't wait to ask him *what exactly* she hadn't thought through.

"Go along now, I'll be fine."

Troy was strangely thankful to the other man for insisting on this - and he didn't want to be.

"You heard him," he said, taking Tracy's hand in his and then they were walking.

"Be careful!" Tracy said as if it were an invocation, her serious eyes boring into Crazy Dog's.

"You too," he answered her immediately. But his gaze caught Troy's. Troy did not know what to make of this. This whole interaction feeling unreal. It had him on edge in a strange way and he couldn't wait to get as far away from this as possible.

Of course it wasn't that easy.

And so he found himself driving back to that spot, opening his door and hissing

"get in"

to crazy dog. Crazy Dog looked as perplexed as Troy himself felt over the whole thing - but then, Tracy always did have a way to get what she wanted. He didn't know why he'd thought it would be different this time. She'd been adamant about helping that person that had so selflessly given up his things. Troy had wanted to point out that he didn't seem to *care* one way or another, but really, that wouldn't accomplish anything but make her sad. or worried. he wasn't sure which one was worse. so he just bit his tongue. He *had* told her who he was - Crazy Dog. She knew that name from his tales. And - he'd thought it would make her back down. She had - hesitated (and that had hurt him unexpectedly, the sudden *curling into herself*. Of course, figures of his past would incite that reaction. After what the last group had done...!) But she hadn't backed down in the end, weighing Crazy Dog's behavior towards them *now* more than anything else that had happened in the past.

And so Troy agreed to do what she wanted because - he hadn't seen her as animated, as *invested* since - since! Her time away from him had done a number on her. On both of them, but he'd gladly shoulder whatever needed to, just so she could be spared. But that wasn't how it worked and so he had been helpless to watch her be this subdued, quiet child since he'd... recued her from Madison. Had watched her be so unlike herself. Had tried to bring her back, of course, anything and everything he could think of but---no need to keep thinking about that. His kid was back, at least for now.

And so he was now watching Crazy Dog hesitantly get into the back of the truck.

"Where am I going?" Troy asked him, and this was maybe the strangest thing to happen that night. Asking Crazy Dog for directions. But the way Tracy was beaming more than made up for him and when the other man didn't immediately answer Troy turned his head to him.

"Where to?" he asked again and somehow his voice had turned softer. Crazy Dog's gaze met Troy's. And after a little sigh he told him.

The drive was maybe half an hour at the most - and no one seemed to feel the desire to speak. Not even Tracy. Or maybe that was just Tracy retreating into herself again. Though she didn't look subdued, quite the opposite actually. Maybe she was just content. That thought made Troy smile a little. Maybe she really was. The road turned from asphalt to dirt and after a while Troy could see a farmhouse at the end of it.

"That it?" he asked. Crazy Dog nodded.

"You can just let me out he---"

"We said we'd get you home and we will," Troy interrupted. Honestly, they were almost there.

Crazy Dog nodded.

Then, slowly he said,

"You can.. come in if you want. Stay - the night. It's late." Almost reluctantly.

Troy still felt a sliver of irrational danger just imagining Crazy Dog near his daughter - but his daughter was looking at him with big big eyes and he thought a real bed would do her some good.

"It is," was all he said. Was as much as he allowed himself to agree.

"It's so nice here!" Tracy exclaimed once her large eyes had taken in as much as they could of the living area.

"Yeah," Crazy Dog said in that slow way of his, "it is..." Then he looked at her, brows furrowed. "I don't even know your name."

"Tracy," Tracy said. Crazy Dog repeated her name softly.

"I'm Lee," he said then.

"Not Crazy Dog?" Of course his daughter wouldn't let something like rest - and frankly, Troy wanted to know the answer to that, too.

"Just Lee," Crazy Dog - Lee? said mildly and without stopping asked, "Want something to eat? I've got food in the kitchen"- he nodded towards a door behind which Troy guessed was said kitchen-"though I'm not the best cook so... it's straight out of the can..."

"I can cook," Troy said and then let ...Lee show him around.

"It's not much," *Lee* said, almost apologetically. He was right, it wasn't the best stocked kitchen. But it was better than what Tracy and him had had the last few days. Weeks.

"I can work with this," Troy announced. *Lee* nodded at him.

"Take what you need. I'll leave you to it."

*

When Lee went back to the living room, he saw that Tracy had cozied up on the couch. It looked precious, in a way nothing had for... for a while now and the ghost of a smile was again tugging at his lips. He was strangely glad they had accepted his offer to stay. Or maybe not so strange, the house feeling more alive now than... for a while now. He sat down on the chair besides the couch and watched Tracy doze. How strange to think that Troy Otto had a child - a very sweet one at that. But then, years had passed. Years in which he'd assumed him dead. He... wasn't saddened to find he'd been wrong in that. Or maybe he was just glad to see how well Tracy had it with *him* as dad. Lee would not have guessed that Troy would turn into an indulgent dad. Would not have guessed he'd turn into a *good* dad, but from everything he'd seen today exactly this had happened.

"You *are* Crazy Dog though, aren't you?" Tracy was suddenly looking straight at him, sharp sharp eyes boring into his. Oh yes, she was her father's daughter.

"That's not a name I'm using anymore," Lee said.

"You know each other from ..back at the ranch," she continued without acknowledging what he'd said. Lee nodded.

"My dad told me you wanted him dead... why are you helping us now?"

Oh she was quite brave, this one. He'd have expected nothing less of Troy Otto's child. Whatever could be said about the man, a lack of bravery wasn't it. But where the bravery was almost scary in its intensity in Troy, it was endearing in Tracy.

"That was then. This is now."

Apparently this wasn't a good enough answer for her because she asked, sharply,

"You don't want him dead anymore?"

"I've got no reason to," Lee told her. He didn't. Who cared what had happened years ago. He'd moved on. he'd built a whole new life---

"He robbed you."

Oh, so she *had* heard that part, hm. Still he disagreed,

"I freely gave it to you"

"...why are you helping us?"

Lee closed his eyes, unwilling to think about this, to let his mind wander there...

"You have no reason to," she said, emphasizing the words almost mockingly. A challenge.

"...I do," Lee said softly. Oh, did he ever and his heart squeezed uncomfortably, his throat closed up and he tried to swallow against it.

"Food's done!" Troy had appeared in the kitchen doorway - just at the right time, it seemed. "Come." With one last look at Lee, Tracy went.

Lee breathed a sigh of relief, he hadn't been sure how much more of her questions he could take before... He shook his head and focused on his breathing. Slow and deliberate. In. Pause. Out. Pause. In. Pause. Out. Pause. And on and on until it was the only thing filling his mind. And then some more.

A sudden noise made him flinch and open his eyes. A plate of steaming food was placed in front of him.

"I meant you, too, you know?" Troy told him casually. Then he went back to the kitchen. Lee blinked at the food. It smelled - good. Much better than... He sighed. Then he slowly started eating. He figured they'd be more comfortable without him in the kitchen.

After they were done eating, Lee showed them the bathroom and the master bedroom. He knew how important it was to be able to stay together, especially during night, during sleep, the most vulnerable time. He took the couch - just like he'd done the days before. Somehow sleep came easier to him today.

*

The next day Troy woke early. Tracy was still sleeping and so he let her, softly moving out of the room and downstairs. He wasn't sure if he was surprised or not to see *Lee* awake too. He was just sitting there, looking outside into the rain. Still like a statue.

"What's wrong with you?" slipped from Troy - no one could accuse him of having tact. (And honestly, he was about fed up with this version of Crazy Dog. With being on this strange edge the whole time. He'd rather have it out, he thought). Lee turned to him, eyes suddenly as cold and dark as he remembered.

"I'm not talking about that."

Well. That wasn't helpful at all. Made him angry in a petulant way. But then, *he* didn't want to be to start a fight. Didn't want to destroy this for Tracy. They'd leave here soon enough and then who cared what had happened to Crazy Dog. So he turned his attention to the outside, where Lee was staring. A beautiful garden. Flowers and vegetable patches filling it.

He wondered about the canned food.

"Quite a garden," he remarked.

"...Yeah."

Troy rolled his eyes and decided to go snoop a little. Was bound to be more interesting than a conversation with *him*. That unsettling version of Crazy Dog. He didn't want to be too obvious about it, so he didn't exactly rummage around in closets (though he itched to), instead looking at what was displayed. The books laying around (a suspicious lot of them *medical* though he supposed it made sense to learn as much as one could about these things - doctors were hard to come by these days..), the wide array of knick-knacks. He couldn't see a common thread there. Shells and necklaces, lighters and key chains, little toys and pens. Strewn all over the house from what Troy could see. Curious.

"Dad?!"

Tracy was awake, and from the sounds of it trying not to panic.

"I'm here!" Troy was quick to reply, already going for the stairs, taking two, three at a time, rushing to her. He should've thought of that! God damn, he really should've but then - this hadn't really been an issue until now, him not being near her when she woke up. Of course it made her panic. The moment he stepped foot on the second floor Tracy rushed into his arms and he picked her up, having to shift as to not tumble down the stairs with the force with which she'd thrown herself at him.

"I'm here," he murmured, stroking over her hair, "It's alright."

She clung to him and it didn't seem like she wanted to let go anytime soon. He just shrugged good-naturedly and decided to carry her downstairs. Breakfast would do her good.

The way she hid her face in the crook of his neck, the way she held on to him had him remember their days when she was a toddler. When they'd lost--- He'd thought they'd never get through that. He'd thought, without *her* he wouldn't be able to do this. To be a good parent. He'd clung to her just as much as she'd clung to him during those days. And they both had persevered. They would again. Even if the situation seemed impossible. They'd done it once before. They would again. She'd be fine, with time. She'd get over this. He fastened his hold around her.

After breakfast - which had been a somewhat strange and subdued affair (strange because Lee had again declined to eat with them and subdued because the panic still clung to Tracy it seemed. Not as immediate but Troy could still tell) - Tracy had wandered to the bookshelves, looking through them. Somehow that had made Lee move from his place on the chair, looking to the outside and he'd started a quiet conversation with her - from what Troy could tell, asking her what she liked to read, offering different things. He watched the two of them for a while and when he saw that Tracy was becoming more animated the more they spoke he felt a tenseness fall from him he hadn't been aware of holding. *She would be ok*. Of course she would be.

Just now the sun was peaking through the clouds, the rain finally having stopped. He was immediately drawn to the garden, wanting to take a closer look at the vegetables - maybe there was something he could use?

"I'll be outside," he announced to the other two. Those had now moved to the couch, both their noses inside a thick medical book. He had to smile. Tracy definitely had her thirst for knowledge from him - and he was proud of her for that. For asking questions, trying to figure out how everything worked. It was a good thing to be thirsty for in this world, where nothing was safe. Where you could not depend on others--- He stopped these thoughts cold, stepping into the garden, his sharp eyes taking everything in. Most plants were already withered - no wonder, it was late autumn. But he did spy a small pumpkin and - weren't those sweet potatoes? He sat to work.

Somehow he didn't only harvest the few sweet potatoes and the two pumpkins but had started to cut back the plants that needed it and take out the ones that wouldn't survive the winter - he hadn't even thought about it, his hands intimately knowing what to do. And once he realized what he was doing - late into his work - he stopped, breathless, blinking around and looking at his work. Then he shook his head at himself and couldn't stop an self-deprecating smile. He hadn't even made it half through the garden. So he straightened and walked through the rest of it - it was in need of tending too. Not that it was overgrown, clearly there was work put into it. Just - not for the last... weeks? And when his gaze caught by something shimmering almost silver-y he thought he understood why. He'd found the missing puzzle piece he hadn't even been aware he'd been searching for. There in the secluded corner of the garden stood a pale wooden cross, a name carved into it - Ri Ortego. And underneath it just one word. 'Beloved'. Troy's fingers traced the letters and he couldn't help himself, but he felt like whoever had carved them (*Lee*, who else) must've been shaking. That explained his strange behavior. It was grief. He pulled his hand back as if burned.

*

"You had a wife." Troy hadn't even fully entered the house that those words left his mouth. Lee flinched. It wasn't enough for Troy, so he spoke her name. "Ri, right?"

Lee stood abruptly and stomped into the kitchen. Troy took that to mean he was right - why else would Lee be upset. And it was clear that he was.

"Da~ad!" Apparently he wasn't the only one to get that, Tracy was looking at him disapprovingly, her eyes glinting dangerously. He almost shrugged but then thought better of it. This was not the time to be flip with her. So he just blinked and pressed his lips together. He'd lost a wife too, after all. No need to be so dramatic over it. "You should apologize," he heard his daughter say. The same tone he used when he demanded the same of her. It almost made him smile. Though the prospect of doing *that* didn't let him. It wasn't like he'd *meant* to hurt the other man. He'd just been after answers. But Tracy kept staring at him - and both knew he'd give in, just as he'd had last night. He took every opportunity he had to make his daughter happy, after all. So he sighed and went to the kitchen, carefully opening the door.

"Hey," he whispered, somewhat uncomfortable, not wanting to startle the other man. Lee was sitting at the kitchen table, his back turned towards the door, hunched over. He looked like--- "Uh, that before," Troy started to explain, "listen, I, I didn't--- uhm..." There was no reaction and Troy swallowed. He had expected to get at least something from the other man. "I didn't mean anything by it." He finally settled on as an explanation. *That* had an effect; Lee turned his head slowly towards Troy and Troy was glad to be done speaking because otherwise the next word would've gotten stuck in his throat - the misery in Lee's eye, the devastation on his face felt like it was stopping his heart. It felt *so familiar*.

"I'm sorry." It was the easiest thing to say, suddenly. "*I'm sorry*, Lee."

***

And that is how it will begin. Of course Troy and Tracy will stay in Lee's house. Tracy is doing lots better there than before when they were driving around and though Troy does feel unbalanced by Lee's grief, he still feels alright staying. For Tracy, he's telling himself at first (and let's be honest, seeing the mirror of past him in Lee is difficult - maybe he didn't have enough space to grieve Serena what with having to raise a kid, so it's gonna be bringing things up for him too. But it'll be good for him overall) but he's gonna enjoy it, too. Being here with someone that is supposed to want him dead but very much *doesn't* is doing wonders for his trauma. And over time they're gonna become friends and raise Tracy together. Not sure how/when it'll turn romantic - maybe I'll add to this once I have an idea.

#troy otto #tracy otto #ftwd #fear the walking dead #fanfic #imagine #beginning of a story #crazy dog #fluff #bittersweet #more sweet than bitter #hopeful #healing #beginning of the rest of their lives #my fic

[janiedean]

marrecarandgi ha risposto al tuo post

“marrecarandgi ha risposto al tuo post “remember when oscar isaac was...”

What are you arguing here? That Finn doesn't face racism or faces less than Poe? It's simply not true. In this fandom and in all others. If you don't believe me, you have Google at your disposal, I can't fit the countless examples here anyway. So, when POC notice racist and specifically anti black tendencies, that a whitepassing (only "Europeans", who "don't see race" claim that Poe is "white for them, not actual critics) character is treated better than a black coc, you probably should try to listen to them instead of playing the victim of the fandom not being nice enough space. Because, honestly, if I had time or desire, I could've explained to you how each and every one of your point is bs.

... have you even read what I wrote? oh good lord I don’t have the patience any more

let’s go over it again

I’m saying people talk about finn less than ****kylo ren**** because people are generally more interested in the antagonist rather than the good side heroes when it comes to star wars. vader is more popular than just about everyone and the dark side generally gets more attention. idg it because I personally don’t care for the dark side but it’s not **racism** per se, it’s how fandom goes. every time. people care more about loki than thor because loki is the kind of tormented antagonist that interests people and thor is the good guy who doesn’t as much, not because loki has black hair and thor is blonde and no one likes blondes.

I’m also saying that people talk less about poe because he has relatively little screentime in comparison to finn and rey. he was in there for twenty minutes total maybe thirty if we stretch it.

I’m not saying finn doesn’t face racism especially from people who are in fandom but don’t write fanfic or do fanart or whatever and I especially mean those assholes who said you couldn’t have a black lead in SW, I’m saying that when it comes to fandom’s treatment of finn vs kylo or vs poe or vs whoever else a lot of the things that people deem problematic are common to every other fandom in existence and to the type of character finn is. the things I hate most about fanon finn’s characterization are the same things I hate about fanon bucky characterizations, and what do they have in common? they’re two people who come from being employed against their will by the villain side of the story who are actually good people and don’t want to fight for that side and who have gone through types of brainwashing to a different degree (finn because he was brought up to be a stormtrooper without identity and bucky because they literally erased it form him) from people who saw them as weapons and not people. it’s a trope. in a lot of fic where they’re in it, they’re characterized as if they need someone to hold their hand every other moment, which I frankly dislike a lot, and it’s the same for a lot of characters coming from that context. in some cases it can be racism, in others it’s just that finn is that type of character and he’s black, but I’ve been in fandom since 2003 and I saw that way of writing abused characters back then. address that if you think it’s an address-able problem, but it happening to finn has more to do with his background than his skin color. then if you’re talking about other things idk because as stated I stopped engaging other than checking the ao3 finnp0e tag after I read that if you shipped it you were objectifying nonwhite people because I ship people for their relationship, but that was the state of the discourse when I noped out.

‘only "Europeans", who "don't see race" claim that Poe is "white for them, not actual critics’ > er, actually most latin-americans I know would argue that poe is *not* a POC and that they don’t even abide to that definition and that people across latin america come in all shades so making the white/poc distinction makes no sense because they don’t think of themselves as such. but okay.

also: idk if you wanna be edgy by putting “don’t see race” in brackets, but I’m gonna tell you a thing: us europeans who *don’t see race* have studied WWII in school for a long time. I studied WWII since I was nine. now, you know what’s the basics of nazi race theory? that races exist and some races are more worthy than others and that you can count how much of a race you are by tracing back your grandparents, so idk if you have one black grandparent and three white ones you’re still considered *impure* same as if you have a jewish grandparent and so on. the drop of blood rule to us sounds like nazi theory 101 and honestly that’s why to a lot of us Europeans just the fact that here on tumblr ‘race’ is used as an actual thing that exist is skin-crawling worthy. what I learned in school is that the human race is just one and then you have different ethnicities within it but that at the bottom if it we’re the same, because if you admit that then saying you’re inherently better than a black person because you’re *different* or another race entirely isn’t that easy anymore. which doesn’t mean we don’t see ethnicity or culture - I’d never say that a chinese person is the same as a french or a south-african or canadian because I know they have different background and different experiences and different ethnicities, but I would not say they’re a different RACE than I am, because to me it would sound like something out of mein kampf. I can’t conceive the prospect that me and a black person are different RACES. we’re both human. then they’re obviously different ethnicity and culture and I see and recognize it. like, can you all stop twisting it like we think everyone is the same and there’s no difference at all? also, here, the moment someone says black people are an inferior race or a race at all, they get labeled FASCIST RACIST 101 STAY AWAY FROM ME. anyway, I do understand that on tumblr the discourse is american so I just scroll by over the use of the term race, but for me your definition is something I could never use. because cultural relativism. and ‘white passing’ for me is just the proof that poc as a term only works in the US and badly at that because why the fuck you need a term to say that some people who aren’t white look white is beyond me when you could just use their damned ethnicities to call them and be done with it, but never mind.

also idk where you gathered that I said poe was white. I said that according to some people it seems that he’s not when he’s shipped with finn but he is when he’s shipped with rey. and that makes no fucking sense. if oscar is a poc and poe is a poc (according to your definition) then both finnp0e and reyp0e are interracial couples. period. you can’t change the meaning of a word or someone’s ethnicity based on who the fuck you ship him with. and that’s a thing that happens in this fandom. period.

‘you probably should try to listen to them instead of playing the victim of the fandom not being nice enough space’ > man, I don’t think you understood my point. I’m not playing victim. I’m in fandom because I want to have fun and not because I want to run a politics campaign. now, I don’t care for fandom being a nice space, even if like, since it’s escapism, I’d like it if it was about fandom and not US politics cropping up everywhere. the point is that some of us are in fandom for shipping. I like finn and poe together. I wanna write finn and poe together. I want to do it best as I can and admittedly the one time I did it and posted it on tumblr I got more notes than I do for.... four fics for my main fandom combined. I had fun. I wrote them the way I saw them. I made sure to write them as IC as I could. I kinda wanna do it again. but the idea of going into a fandom where there’s discourse at every corner makes me want to shoot myself in the head. if people complain about ky*lux getting more traffic now, it’s because there’s less discourse over there for whichever reason you wanna pinpoint (problematic faves? problematic ship so no one judges others?). are there wankers over there? sure thing, but nowhere near as much as a corner of the fandom where every other day you can’t ship anything because it’s somehow -ist. and some of us want to, like, have fun. and produce content. and we don’t. because it’s not fun. and like, you can make it a welcoming space or not, idc because I’m not in it, but if then your discourse makes people run off to ship kylo and hux then don’t complain that you used to have more traffic when the movie was out and everyone was excited about things and the discourse wasn’t a thing. like. I don’t even engage in fandom exactly because I don’t want discourse, so I’m already doing what you’re telling me to. sometimes I rant about it on my blog.... in...... untagged posts like the one you replied to which I didn’t tag EXACTLY BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT DISCOURSE, so.

‘Because, honestly, if I had time or desire, I could've explained to you how each and every one of your point is bs.’ > yeah, but you didn’t. (always the same thing I hear. ‘I could tell you why you’re wrong but I won’t’) and honestly, given that I’m not gonna touch this fandom properly with a ten foot pole for the foreseeable future, I also can live without it.

anyway, I was just arguing that tfa fandom is unlivable if you’re not here for the discourse (which is true and it’s one’s prerogative since again fandom is escapism or a hobby unless you’re a youtuber or you made a job out of it), that people can and will ship what they want and they should be able to (and if you think this point is bullshit then we don’t have any more to discuss because the moment you tell me that people shouldn’t ship ANYTHING because it’s not morally fine according to you I’m out), that a person can’t fucking be white and not white at the same time (which is just basic logic) and that accusing people of -isms based just on their shipping preferences is bullshit (because rl and fiction aren’t the same thing and most of us know that, and again if you think this is bs you can spare yourself a reply I’m not even gonna bother because it’s a point I can’t really gloss over and we’d have a basic disagreement). idk what you thought I was saying or when I said poe was white (btw whiteness in europe =/= whiteness in the US) or when I said fandom wasn’t racist towards finn or whatever but feel free to put words into my mouth ad libitum, I’m really done.

(and this is still why I’m not touching this fandom ever)

#marrecarandgi #janie replies #wank for ts #liberatemi da questo fardello #nclpf #va bene va bene va bene in verità #notte e giorno faticar per chi nulla sa gradir