#mani is our safe space

[mrs-snape5984]

“Rescue my heart, I'm deep underground…”

“I'm crashing and I'm burning, so reach out your hand to me…” (“Rescue my heart” by Liz Longley)

First of all: this is going to be a very personal post, full of pathetic self-pity and misery…so if you’re feeling triggered by that or by a whiny, overdramatic middle aged woman….stop reading. Seriously.

I’m using my tumblr blog as some kind of personal diary…combining art with my own thoughts and emotions. Sadly, I have not a single spark of talent in my fibres, so I’m always looking for the right artists here on tumblr, who can help me to make my ideas come to life graphically (ignoring the melting of my savings).

I reached out to @madfantasy again for this very personal piece of art. Mani, my dear friend, you’re the only person, who’s perfect for my most personal, very raw requests. You created something so beautiful…so right out of my heart! I can’t describe, how grateful I am for your understanding of my ideas…for your talent…for your kind soul. 🖤 Thank you, love!

My life with ME/CFS sucks. I’m apologising for my harsh words and my lack of gratitude towards life itself, but that’s just how I’m feeling!

I know, I should rather be grateful for the things in my life, which I wouldn’t want to miss. I have three wonderful children, I have a few very good friends (in real life and - thanks to tumblr - also online). But…on some days (and these are actually pretty prominent at the moment), I just hate my life as it is now.

I’m spending my whole days in the darkness of my room, not capable of leaving the house (and often even my bed) without getting disoriented by the overstimulation of my mind and the exhaustion of my body. I can’t stand more than one person in my room…otherwise my brain can’t handle the noise and the movements of others. I can’t go to my workplace anymore…and I really loved my job! I can’t stay in contact with people properly, because most people don’t understand, why I’m not answering their messages or phone calls. I’m too exhausted and too overwhelmed with those things. Reading? Watching TV? Well, not for me anymore (at least for the most days) Every little bit too much (sometimes the smallest things!) leads me into the next “crash” of my disease…resulting in fevers, pain, loss of mental and physical capabilities…up to losing consciousness. Every fucking time!

All I want is to scream…scream my lungs out to let the pain and grief go! I want to scream out all those feelings of misery, which I’m only bottling up every day! But I know…just like talking…it would only cause another crash. Each crash is dragging me further down…and there’s no possibility of digging my way out of this again.

So, for this raw piece of art, I wanted the only person, who had never left me over the past 21 years, to hold me. Hold me, Severus…keep me safe…be my haven! Let me scream and cry and help me to find a way out of this hell…I’m begging you…

🖤 Severus & Julia 🖤

#i love severus #severus x oc #fuck me/cfs #Severus is my safe haven #i want to scream #personal shit #let it all go #severus snape #mani is wonderful #mani is our safe space #severus snape fan art #snart #severus fanart #severus snape art #snape art

[inkskinned]

the thing about art is that it was always supposed to be about us, about the human-ness of us, the impossible and beautiful reality that we (for centuries) have stood still, transfixed by music. that we can close our eyes and cry about the same book passage; the events of which aren't real and never happened. theatre in shakespeare's time was as real as it is now; we all laugh at the same cue (pursued by bear), separated hundreds of years apart.

three years ago my housemates were jamming outdoors, just messing around with their instruments, mostly just making noise. our neighbors - shy, cautious, a little sheepish - sat down and started playing. i don't really know how it happened; i was somehow in charge of dancing, barefoot and laughing - but i looked up, and our yard was full of people. kids stacked on the shoulders of parents. old couples holding hands. someone had brought sidewalk chalk; our front walk became a riot of color. someone ran in with a flute and played the most astounding solo i've ever heard in my life, upright and wiggling, skipping as she did so. she only paused because the violin player was kicking his heels up and she was laughing too hard to continue.

two weeks ago my friend and i met in the basement of her apartment complex so she could work out a piece of choreography. we have a language barrier - i'm not as good at ASL as i'd like to be (i'm still learning!) so we communicate mostly through the notes app and this strange secret language of dancers - we have the same movement vocabulary. the two of us cracking jokes at each other, giggling. there were kids in the basement too, who had been playing soccer until we took up the far corner of the room. one by one they made their slow way over like feral cats - they laid down, belly-flat against the floor, just watching. my friend and i were not in tutus - we were in slouchy shirts and leggings and socks. nothing fancy. but when i asked the kids would you like to dance too? they were immediately on their feet and spinning. i love when people dance with abandon, the wild and leggy fervor of childhood. i think it is gorgeous.

their adults showed up eventually, and a few of them said hey, let's not bother the nice ladies. but they weren't bothering us, they were just having fun - so. a few of the adults started dancing awkwardly along, and then most of the adults. someone brought down a better sound system. someone opened a watermelon and started handing out slices. it was 8 PM on a tuesday and nothing about that day was particularly special; we might as well party.

one time i hosted a free "paint along party" and about 20 adults worked quietly while i taught them how to paint nessie. one time i taught community dance classes and so many people showed up we had to move the whole thing outside. we used chairs and coatracks to balance. one time i showed up to a random band playing in a random location, and the whole thing got packed so quickly we had to open every door and window in the place.

i don't think i can tell you how much people want to be making art and engaging with art. they want to, desperately. so many people would be stunning artists, but they are lied to and told from a very young age that art only matters if it is planned, purposeful, beautiful. that if you have an idea, you need to be able to express it perfectly. this is not true. you don't get only 1 chance to communicate. you can spend a lifetime trying to display exactly 1 thing you can never quite language. you can just express the "!!??!!!"-ing-ness of being alive; that is something none of us really have a full grasp on creating. and even when we can't make what we want - god, it feels fucking good to try. and even just enjoying other artists - art inherently rewards the act of participating.

i wasn't raised wealthy. whenever i make a post about art, someone inevitably says something along the lines of well some of us aren't that lucky. i am not lucky; i am dedicated. i have a chronic condition, my hands are constantly in pain. i am not neurotypical, nor was i raised safe. i worked 5-7 jobs while some of these memories happened. i chose art because it mattered to me more than anything on this fucking planet - i would work 80 hours a week just so i could afford to write in 3 of them.

and i am still telling you - if you are called to make art, you are called to the part of you that is human. you do not have to be good at it. you do not have to have enormous amounts of privilege. you can just... give yourself permission. you can just say i'm going to make something now and then - go out and make it. raquel it won't be good though that is okay, i don't make good things every time either. besides. who decides what good even is?

you weren't called to make something because you wanted it to be good, you were called to make something because it is a basic instinct. you were taught to judge its worth and over-value perfection. you are doing something impossible. a god's ability: from nothing springs creation.

a few months ago i found a piece of sidewalk chalk and started drawing. within an hour i had somehow collected a small classroom of young children. their adults often brought their own chalk. i looked up and about fifteen families had joined me from around the block. we drew scrangly unicorns and messed up flowers and one girl asked me to draw charizard. i am not good at drawing. i basically drew an orb with wings. you would have thought i drew her the mona lisa. she dragged her mother over and pointed and said look! look what she drew for me and, in the moment, i admit i flinched (sorry, i don't -). but the mother just grinned at me. he's beautiful. and then she sat down and started drawing.

someone took a picture of it. it was in the local newspaper. the summary underneath said joyful and spontaneous artwork from local artists springs up in public gallery. in the picture, a little girl covered in chalk dust has her head thrown back, delighted. laughing.

#writeblr #warm up #this is longer than i wanted i really considered removing that part about myself and what i went thru #but i think it really fucking bothers me that EVERY time i talk about being an artist #ppl assume i just like. had the skill and ability to drop everything and pay for grad school. #like sir i grew up poor. my house wasn't a safe space. i gave up a FREE RIDE TO LAW SCHOOL. for THIS. bc i chose it. #was it fucking hard? was i choosing the hard thing?? yes. #but we need to stop seeing artists as lazy layabouts that can ''afford'' to just ''sit around and create'' #when MANY - if not MOST - of us are NOT like that. we have to work our fucking ASSES off. hard work. long and hard work #part of valuing artists is recognizing the amount we sacrifice to make our art. bc it doesn't just #like HAPPEN to us. also btw it rarely has anything to do with true talent. #speaking as someone with a chronic condition i hate when ppl are like u have it easy. like actively as i'm writing this my hands r #ACTIVELY hurting me. i haven't been posting bc my left hand was curled in a claw for the last week #this isn't fucking luck. after a certain point it's not even TALENT. it's dedication & sacrifice. #''u get to flounce around and do nothing with ur life'' is a narrative that is a direct result of capitalism #imagine if we said that about literally any other profession. #''oh so u give up 10 yrs of ur life to be a doctor? u sacrifice having a social life and u get SUPER in debt? #u need to work countless hours and it will often be thankless? well i wish i was that lucky'' #we should be applying that logic to landlords ONLY #''oh ur mom and dad gave u the money to buy a house? and all u did was paint it white and rent it? huh.''

[puppetmaster13u]

Prompt 209

Now Jason was planning on, well, a lot of things, when he came back to Gotham. He had a lot of plans, several of which had to do with the old man and even more that had to do with cleaning up Crime Alley, making it safer and all that. 

What he was not planning on was to find some sort of lab in the basement of where he was planning on setting up a safehouse. Nor was he planning on finding several literal children in cages inside said lab. Oh and Lazarus Waters- but children! With muzzles! Being experimented on!

Now he’d like to say he had a plan in what happened next, but if he’s honest everything had gone Green and he didn’t remember what happened next, only that he’s back home with said children and covered in blood. Oh and everything smells of smoke. 

… And apparently there’s more of these things dotted around Crime Alley with the rest of these kids, er, siblings? Family? Fright does mean family? Okay kids, he’s not turning into Bruce but you can stay here while he deals with this… however long that takes. 

He better not be turning into Bruce he swears-

#DCxDP #DPxDC #Prompts #Liminal Class #Ghosts are Dragons #Halfa Jason Todd #Not that he knows that #The kids are sticking with him because he registers as Safe #And look they WERE teens but they’re not anymore and they’re TINY and in an UNKNOWN space with only like half their memories #They’re taking what they can get #Jason is very concerned the first time he witnesses them going partially dragon (even if they can’t do a full transformation yet) #He is freaking out way more when he Does fully transform in one of the later labs with no warning thx to one of the scientists shooting #something at him #Now the Bats are scrambling to find out about Hood because this no longer looks like crime lord bullshit #and more like a non-human entity whose offspring has been stolen and is attacking to get them back #Well from what can be seen from the Ecto spikes messing with tech #Jason has no clue how he ended up taking care of 13+ (why do you have so many shadow clones Kwan) children #Jason: Oh god my hoard is children I can never let anyone know #His Merry Men: Okay this is the safest person to leave our kids with and work for he would very much kill for any child #New Goon: Okay but are we gonna talk about the- #Merry Men: No we don't talk about the fact that he turns into a giant dragon and if anyone asks No He Doesn't

[metaphorically-speaking]

“izzy was so mean to stede for no reason!” yeah man. hes a fucking pirate. he kills people. being mean is like the least bad thing hes done

#this is an izzy safe space #or should i say safe ship #space ship #you know #some of you guys are Missing The Point #also like ed was not the same person he is now before he met stede #like we’re watching the same show right? #yall LOVE to shit on izzy because he was a dick #and yeah he wasnt RIGHT in being a dick #but ed literally traumatizes the crew so. so many times #and yall will turn around and be like awww he misses stede #like do you hear yourself #ofmd #ofmd s2 #our flag means death

[radsplain]

being a younger lesbian in your 20s and 30s is actually insane rn because not only is our dating pool small enough as it is (especially for lesbians who only want to date other lesbians) but then we’re also having to contend with the fact that half of the lesbians around our age are going by they/them or they/he pronouns and like kudos to y’all who can maintain relationships (hell, even friendships) with people who require you to deny base reality every time you’re around them or even reference to them when they’re not even in the room but like. i can’t pretend to indulge in it, like not even for a little bit. and i really do feel like this is actually a real issue and has so many implications for the lesbian community as a whole and how it really is disappearing right before our eyes, all in just a matter of a few years etc but all that is to say! we need to free young lesbians from the shackles that is gender now before i go completely insane and end up single forever

#like I’m so tired #and it’s not just that I want a girlfriend lolol that was just a joke (kind of) but like!!! #I swear it seems like EVERY single lesbian I come across is engulfed in this gender stuff #so when older lesbians are saying the lesbian community is dying out this is part of what they mean #like there is barely any solidarity amongst younger lesbians and it’s sad #not only are we letting men infiltrate our safe spaces #but we’re also not standing up to things like the definition of lesbian being changed to ‘non man loving non man’ or whatever the fuck #like soooo many lesbians are ACTIVELY feeding into that rhetoric and it’s driving me insane and making me want to scream & pull my hair out #and like actually I’m not willing to be with a woman who doesn’t even acknowledge her womanhood #idk it just feels like an act of disrespect to not only them but all women #anyways no one asked for this lil take or my rant in the notes but LMAO it’s on my mind #lesbian #radsplain.txt

[thedreadvampy]

wait no sorry one last quick immature bitch moment

the more I find out about how this person has behaved in both this relationship and a bunch of other relationships, the funnier it is how much they like to set themselves up as a like. authority on ethical nonmonogamy and consent and conflict management.

when like. they constantly sexually assault people to prove a point, pressure their partners into shit, got into enm by cheating on 3 people concurrently, and literally every time a problem in their orbit is brought up it gets explained away without anything actually changing, or they cry about how hard it is until everyone says OH NO IT'S FINE DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT

you know. very "call yourself a Community Organizer even though you're not on speaking terms with your roommates" energies.

#red said #I'm mad tbh i know in being bitchy but this blog is my safe space to be bitch on #and this shit has been building up for years. not even just in my relationship with their partner. since the first time i meet them #in like 2018 #and having this chat with my pal last night now I'm no longer second guessing myself bc of my relationship has uhhh Crystalised Some Things #especially getting some new context on where a lot of the tensions and sensitivities I've been aware of for ages are from #also tbh when we broke up my ex led off with 'i know you think this is about [partner] but it's not' and i was like. it is though. #it's not the only thing but it's been a common thread through every piece of tension in that relationship #not saying if the partner wasn't there we'd have been together forever. i don't think that's true and I'm glad things went the way they did. #cause w were good for each other and breaking up was also good for us #but their partner has really caused me so so so so so much turmoil for years and i haven't felt able to acknowledge that cause it makes me #feel like an asshole. but like. OK SO I'M AN ASSHOLE. I'M FUCKING MAD AT THEM. #they are manipulative and controlling and they treat their partner like shit and they have perpetually made my life worse #i like a lot of things about them and i do feel for them. we share a lot of similar issues and i do understand how they feel a lot. #but fuck me they treat everyone around them so badly and a good chunk of the reason i ended things with their partner #is that i was so fucking sick of being told i was wrong and just didn't understand how hard they had it whenever i brought up #one of the many many many shitty things they did to me or to our partner or to our friends. #multiple times i left a situation in a fully fucked up mess and my partner came to apologise for how their partner has behaved #and within minutes it would turn into them explaining to me how it wasn't really their fault and i shouldn't be so hard on them #and like fuck that. had enough of that in my life with my previous ex. #anyway. yeah. i am probably being more didactic and aggro here than i genuinely feel. but there's some room for that anger i think #and i did get some room for it to breathe last night and that's good and helpful.

[bullagit]

its just that stede gets run through while everyone is watching, smack dab in the middle of like The most public common space on deck, and he still gets left pinned there overnight 

and it’s like okay yeah stede is not a good communicator! stede has to work on that, yes even after his big s1 finale epiphany about being in love! but this scenario here, this one, it’s kind of a whole other metaphor!! 

bc somehow even when literally everyone watches him get hurt and knows that it’s painful and the evidence is very blatantly right there in the open, and he’s pinned there in it unable to get himself out! somehow the onus ends up on stede to drop a big hint before anyone thinks to offer that help to him!

and at the end of the day im like if he couldnt get practical straightforward help in this one situation where he absolutely should NOT have had to ask or hint to get that help, idk that it’s so shocking that he didn’t really get any better at openly talking through his own emotional issues tbqh

#ofmd #stede bonnet #our flag means death #like i know its a whole complicated issues and ik the sword thing was played for ofmd muppet style comedy i just! #stede is nothing if not many times bitten twice shy about expressing himself in the emotional vulnerability arena! #stede has not found the safe space for himself that he craves he has not been told or shown that he has that safe space! #and its very cyclical bc if he expressed his self loathing and insecurity and trauma w ed or the crew he would absolutely get that safety #but bc he doesnt know he will have it he is not open about this stuff bc hes terrified to lose what he does have #like the crew is super supportive after the ep 8 breakup but its a different Vibe? #idk its hard to explain its very late at night rn #stede is so good at putting on a show but struggles so hard with getting himself genuinely seen and acknowledged

[ragingtwilight]

who wanna go to the library & read in dead silence w me for like 4+ hours

#we can hol hands on the walk #and borrow too many books to read in the specified time limit #we can go every day and grab a bite to eat before entering so we can stay longer #we can sit in a very comfortable silence and just read about our interests #we can coexist in a cozy safe space and be at peace for a few hours next to each other #itll be nice #pinky promise #<333 #grrr

[mrs-snape5984]

“Free me from this pain, I’ve been running from…”

“I'm tired and I'm free falling. Free me! I'm lost and I am calling you…” (“Free me” by Sia)

I’ve experienced some very rough hardships in my almost 40 years lasting existence in this world…but I’ve never given up on myself. I knew, that I’d have to fight my way back out of these horrible miseries, and I kept my faith to find the path to better times…to find the path, which will lead me upwards again.

I admit, these hardships left their marks, their scars on me. They formed my heart and my mindset…they made me the person, that I am today. I learned my lessons…and I kept going.

Since I’m living struggling with this goddamn bitch of a disease, called ME/CFS, my life has only one direction: It’s going downhill…and it’s getting faster! In these past 1,5 years, I’ve lost more and more of all the things, which made my life worth living for. I lost my ability to do my job as a pedagogue and social worker. I lost my freedom, since I’m stuck in my dark room day and night. I lost a lot of social contacts, since screen time is messing with my brain and each phone call costs me too much energy. I lost my capability to be an active mother for my three children…and this is the part, that hurts the most. Damn, I lost so much more…and I feel my heart shattering in pieces every fucking day!

Everything in my life is slowly falling apart and I’m losing my grip on reality…and on myself! The newest pain in the ass is probably my habit of passing out every few days. My whole system shuts down in the middle of a simple talk or something else and I’m falling into unconsciousness! I can’t remember the things, I’ve done before…I’m just blacked out for several hours. At first, my kids were afraid in these moments…especially when they couldn’t wake me up from this state! But now, they simply accept that “quirk” of mine as their new reality…and my motherly heart is aching for them. This shouldn’t be their reality! They shouldn’t have to live with a mother, who’s always in the dark…who’s always lying in bed! They’re children!! They shouldn’t have to whisper in my presence. I should be the person, they can rely on unconditionally!! Fuck…my heart is bleeding…and I’m sorry for my pathetic venting.

I need a way out of this hell…but since there isn’t any possibility for me right now, I’ll keep on clinging on Severus. My fantasies of him and my way of coping with my misery by writing stories about him and my - oh so self-inserted - OC Julia/Jules are the only thing, that keeps me mentally stable functioning. Well…at least that’s what I’m telling myself. I mean, I know how depressed my posts might seem.

My favourite artist for my darkest ideas is my friend @madfantasy. I told Mani about my wish to be freed from my darkness…to be cured from my disease. I need a saviour…a true hero…I need Severus! Since there aren’t any promising medical treatments, I’ll need a magical miracle to get rescued. And this is exactly, what Severus is trying for me. He conjures the demons inside my soul and forces them to leave my body. Severus is the only person, who’s brave enough to face the darkness within me. He’s my knight…and the love of my life. 21 years of my life, it was Severus, who kept me going…who inspired me with his resilience and his courage! A lot of those previous hardships could be endured by me, because I had something, I believed in. I had something, that gave me confidence and strength. I had Severus. So, please…don’t let me lose my hope and my faith in his support. And don’t let me lose my faith in myself.

Mani, my precious friend, I’m stunned by your ability to understand my ideas. Every time, I’m commissioning you for another project, your art helps me to soothe my troubled heart. It is as if you’re drawing my feelings!! I can sense my own emotions in every single line of your drawing. You don’t know, how grateful I am that I was allowed to meet you here. I love our conversations and our understanding for each other. Feel hugged, Mani! I’m sending you so much love! 🫂🫂 (fly fly) 🥹🖤 Thank you for everything.

🖤Severus & Julia🖤

🖤Sevy & Jules🖤

#Severus x Julia #Sevy x Jules #severus x oc #fuck me/cfs #commissioning artwork is my goddamn coping mechanism #this is my red carpet for all the artists of snape fandom #i need a way out of this hell #free me #severus snape #i love severus #he’s by my side for 21 years now #21 years and still counting #i love snape #snape #snape love #mecfs #disabled #severus snape art #snape art #snart #severus fanart #severus snape fan art #mani is our safe space #mad fantasy #personal #vent post

[dollsome-does-tumblr]

this world isn't big enough to keep me away from you - Our Flag Means Death; Ed/Stede + The Crew + Anne/Mary; 5800 words.

Ed and Stede return to the ship. Shenanigans and feelings ensue. (Set between 2.04 and 2.05.)

#our flag means death #ofmd #ofmd fic #i write things! #fanfiction #mine #i had sooooooo much fun writing this for many silly days. my beloveds! my safe space ship! 💕🏴‍☠️💕🏴‍☠️

[daydadahlias]

i dont say this to be rude at all but have some of y’all considered that the reason slash writers keep our stuff on ao3/tumblr is because we want to separate the content we’re creating from the actual people we’re writing about and talking about our work on public platforms where 5sos can see them was never our intention? there’s a legitimate reason I’m not talking about my fics on twitter or instagram (because they’re pretty much the only social media 5sos actively use) so can you guys please respect that decision and not openly publicize my work in places I didn’t originally intend it to be?

#like i love that people talk about fics #but i dont know how to explain that i dont want 5sos to be exposed to my content #and i get talking about it and being vague like 'oh i like this story' but #the second u start dropping names and actual scenes it gets really uncomfortable for me #I certainly don’t want to speak for all slash writers but #I know many of us are on tumblr for a reason #and that’s because this is a safe space to discuss things #and people should not be bringing our stuff outside of this please #please be careful when dropping full names of fics on twitter and ao3 author names and such #on a platform that 5sos can see #like I don’t want to say ‘don’t talk abt the fic!!’ but I do want to ask y’all to be a little more careful when you do #I’m not inherently bothered by people talking about fic on twitter #but if you’re dropping the phrase ‘scene 14 my fave lashton fic’ I need you to Stop doing that and I’m dead serious #uhm also kind of a weird side note but why r u guys talking abt fics on public platforms that authors aren’t on #like can u just. talk to us? #I don’t. really enjoy going on twitter and seeing people talk abt me without talking To me #especially if those people aren’t leaving comments or anything? #just kind of sad to see fic being turned into an consumer culture instead of what it should be #which is sharing stories and getting to talk to people abt it #ok sorry if this is too negative byeee #and I’m not saying this on twitter bc im scared of it hehe #and I just kind of want to say it sigh #I’m not gonna Stop people from doing it #bc I don’t want to dm people on twitter and go ‘stop being publicly nice to me pls’ #but it’s just. smthn to be aware abt #if u have twitter and also tumblr

[ladysqueakinpip]

anyways I genuinely feel so grateful for the rise apritello server I almost started crying on the way home bc I was filled with such joy. legit the best thing that happened to me in 2023 second only to maybe going to key west.

#apritello fans just. get it too tbh. #like all of the fics and artwork from them SLAP #its not even about solely april and donnies characterization bc like so many of these fics #have the best characterization for the other characters ive seen. and ive read a lot of gen fics too #sigh #anyway its just nice to have a safe space #like. i KNOW its not inc*st but when you hear 'omg u ship inc*st!! you horrible scum!!' enough #it starts to rly get to you #we had friends over for new years eve and MANY of us ended up talking about #how in our respective fandoms we all had a ship that the fandom deemed us 'problematic' for #bc the characters were 'sibling coded' AND NOT EVEN BIOLOGICALLY RELATED... #it genuinely makes me sad to know how many ppl this has happened to

[poppyseed799]

Brother why are there so many roaches we have had TWO full exterminations and BOTH TIMES the roaches came back. The first time there were less of them for a week (still some) but the second time there was absolutely zero difference in the number of roaches even immediately after the extermination. Like man. What am I supposed to do about this

#they’re in all the appliances dawg how am I supposed to cook 😭 #and my sister is just like ‘just move out!!!’ brother WHERE #she is actually moving out on the shortest notice imaginable cuz she can’t deal with the roaches #going to our ex step fathers house cuz she already planned to move in there with her partner #but now she’s going there early cuz of the roaches #and like okay sure but WE can’t move in there. and yet she’s like ‘find a new place!’ brother we renewed the lease #and also do you know how the world works nowadays you can’t move anywhere it’s always more expensive 😭 #we’re like frogs in boiling water #I jumped ahead with that metaphor but I’m too lazy to backtrack to explain how I got there #anyways yknow the roach guys said the infestation was REALLY bad and they wanted to do a follow up #but idk when that follow up is cuz it’s been a month since the extermination and there has been 0 difference. as soon as we came back to the #apartment there were still roaches on the walls #like man what am I supposed to do they’re everywhere and it would be so hard to move out 😭 #vent #<- figure I’ll add that cuz like. that’s what this is. my life is just not great rn. constantly hungry too cuz we struggle with groceries #and I’m too scared to make myself some food cuz of the obscene amount of roaches. there was a roach in the dinner last night. then my mom #invited us to dinner at her place and refused to get us dinner. #said she wanted to hang out and didn’t talk to me so wtf #it’s just not going well. I posted happily about how I got those gifts but honestly I can’t even enjoy them because there’s too many roaches #like I don’t know where to put things so that roaches don’t get them. there’s no safe space.

[todaviia]

.

#just spent over an hour writing an antrag for a severely disabled ukrainian refugee girl #who is being housed in a refugee mass shelter #(which has no space to safely prepare the special food she needs #and where only one of the bathrooms is wheelchair accessible #which is basically always in use bc theres too many people living in the shelter #shes living in one room with her whole family #which is obviously even less available space if you have to use a wheelchair) #and anyway the whole time i had to think about this absolutely braindead post #that some people shared on here #where it was framed as ~white privilege that the ukrainians got to move into the mass shelter facilities #while afghans (who often had been living in these mass shelters for far longer than intended) were moved to regular housing #bc our government finally realized after the taliban takeover that most of them wont go home for the foreseeable future #and like completely separate from any opinions about the ukraine war or weapons deliveries or whatever #if youve ever looked at people who had to flee from war #and thought wow they seem so privileged to me #theres something deeply wrong with you that no amount of reading leftist theory #or posting progressive shit on social media will fix #literally the only hope you have is go out and volunteer with real life refugees

[milophiliac]

Redacted fandom stop telling artists they can't draw characters/listeners a certain way challenge go!

#I'm so done with some of you. #This was is a safe space for many people- and it's our responsibility to keep it that way #Stop being a dick on a fandom space.

[autisticlee]

I want to be rich enough to afford my own business, then live off that so I don't have to work for anyone else and can make my job meet my own needs/comfort that other jobs cannot. getting and keeping a job as an neurodivergent and/or disabled person in a neurotypical and ableist society is so frustrating and overwhelming. they refuse to meet your needs, accommodate you, blame you for your struggles, and are hardly ever accepting, because you're a "burden" to them and don't meet their ridiculous expectations so you get rejected or fired! the only choice is to do it yourself!!!!! but even starting/running businesses seems to be greatly gatekept by them too 😭

one problem is that it seems only people who are already rich can start their own physical business, in this world today. only people who don't really need to work because they're born into money can make money off their own work. then they call it hard work and pulling their boot straps or whatever 🙄 so they just hire others to do all the work for them and take most the profits. then tah-dah, they have a successful business and only had to tell some people what to do and let them all do the rest for them. I can't afford anything that goes into my own business, especially the physical shop and hired help. my living situation makes it difficult to work from home because I live in a walk-in closet sized room with the entirety of my belongings squished into the small space. i'm trying my best to make things to cell (currently stickers, art prints, 3d anime/video game figures, etc) but it's so difficult and stressful.

or alternatively, get lucky, or have social skills and spoons, to get popular enough online so you can start online first or even full time. you usually have to be super social and interesting online to gain a following who supports you and becomes your fan. not everyone is lucky to have an enticing personality (I barely have one at all 😔) and the spoons to consistently keep up with the demand to keep people interested and continuously supportive. most people online treat it all as a competition and won't help others. they refuse to share your stuff or give advice or work together. they just care about themselves and their business.

the only real advice I got is "be consistent," which i'm sure any chronically ill, disabled, or ND person knows that's basically impossible. some days are good, some weeks are horrible and you can't do anything. that's why i'd work better with a team of others so we can fill each others gaps and stay seemingly consistent, if that makes sense. if there's multiple of us, at least one of us should have the spoons to keep things going! right???? but most online businesses are single-person run and they don't want to share and split anything, even if it's just a small collab for fun (I experienced first hand how gross fellow creaters can be to each other because they treat it as a competition instead of a collab and opportunity to enjoy working together and boost each other up. I will never forgive the bts fanart community for how snobby, childish, and bullying many of the "bigger" were behind closed doors! and smaller ones that licked their boots! ive also heard similar stories about other communities and places, like twitch, youtube, etc.)

then there's the whole business managing thing and promoting and all that. i'm a nobody on the internet, so even if I did online business only to start, no one will notice me or help! (I've actually tried before multiple times in the last almost decade and sold nothing but still struggled to keep up 😅) i barely have the executive functioning spoons to take a shower more than once a week 😭 running a business all alone with all the factors pitted against me? how! i can't hire help if no one pays me lmao

when i've asked for help before, even just asking friends to share my stuff, I get slapped with the whole "stop caring what people think about your work/numbers aren't important/do it because you want to and enjoy it/etc" and that's so insulting because it makes me feel like they're trying to say my work is horrible and worthless and I don't deserve to live off my hard work!!!!! (I'm no longer friends with these people)

what it comes down to is, I always feel like my only choice to actually work and possibly afford to survive is to start my own business????? I can't live off my parents forever and part time minimum wage jobs that I could *maybe* get (even if I was rejected from 200 of them in 2 months...) including the one I fo now are so painful, boring, unfulfilling, and/or stressful and not worth it! but no one will hire me for anything better because no experience and you need experience to get experience. or you need a degree and need money to get a degree but need degree to make money. and it's a whole paradox that is impossible for someone like me to get through. I get rejected at every interview for being autistic. i'm burnt out trying. I feel like i'm at a dead end and don't know what i'm supposed to do?

do any other autistic/ND/disabled people feel the same way?

I usually get told to "wait and it will happen one day" but this is life we are talking about!!! life doesnt wait!!!!! i'm not a teen/20s with ~my whole life ahead of me~ i'm getting older fast and have zero openings or paths that I can take alone. I know my disabled limits and it means I can't just make things happen like other people. I can't live independently or get a normal job, etc. I cant wait around forever and hope I get lucky. i've never experienced any luck so I don't believe it will help me. so I put in what work i'm capable off all the time instead of waiting, but see no useful results. I do my best despite what people on the outside see and tell me (I'm so fucking tired of hearing i'm Not Trying, Giving Up Too Easily, Being Too Negative, Refusing To Leave My Confort Zone, Not Believing In Myself and etc. it's NOT true. I don't care if that's how it looks. being disabled is NOT those things!!!! just because normal daily things takes more spoons and energy and effort for me than you, I need more help, and I dont have the ability to physically or mentally do certain things, (which means doing things beyond that is nearly impossible in most cases,) doesn't mean Those Things. no one understands how hard I try, how much I struggle, and how frustrating it is for it to all crash down, never work, and not matter. only very few people in similar situations understand and don't try to push me. I NEED SUPPORT not someone to remind me of how much I fail because I can't meet NT and abled expectations and do things THEIR way!

anyway, I fell into huge rant....is it possible for us to come together and make a ND/disabled-led business and only hire others like us? that would be cool and helpful. if I could start my own business, I want it to be mostly friendly/inclusive/accommodating to ND/disabled people. NTs/ableds have to follow our "rules" for once. a safe business/work space made for us, by us. it would be hard, but so beneficial to those involved 😭

#lee rambles #autistic #actually autistic #autism #adhd #neurodivergent #disabled #i want to move to canada with my closest friends who ACTUALLY WANT ME after visiting this month #theyre trying ti help figure it out but it's so hard when canada wants immigrant workers who can work skilled jobs and have degrees #and a ton of experience already. i am unskilled level 5 (lowest level) worker that does useless shit they dont seem to want 😭 #my dream job there is to open a physical (and online) shop in a tourist mountain town and get tourists to buy all my shit lmao #they open pockets easily so it seems like the best place to open shop and its where my freiends live. in a tourist town. #but how to open and run business and afford it???? 😭 #my biggest dream goal besides living with close comfortable found family is open a autistic/adhd friendly shop #where autistic/adhd and even ither ND and marginalized peoples can come and relax and be in a safe space #also ND friendly work!!! it will be owned and operated mostly by the found family but hire some other NDs/disabled people too! #and try our best to meet their needs and accommodate them and make it a great and fun place to work! its a family instead of a job! #why cant it be that simple tho 😭 #writing this was exhausting and took a cpuple hours so not proofreading and hope it makes sense and not too many typos