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commander-rahrah · 5 months

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Talking to the Moon: Part V

Pairing: Astarion x GN!Reader Word Count: ~6200 Warnings: emotional hurt/comfort, arranged marriage, slight family angst aka daddy issues? I'm terrible at these

archiveofourown: here

masterlist: here

part I: here part II: here part III: here part IV: here

Summary: Set at the end of Act II, after Moonrise Towers and Kethric. Reader/Tav leans on Astarion and reveals more about their family and their story from before the Nautiloid.

Notes: I've emerged from my cave I made on the couch in my basement and finally finished this update! I got bronchitis a week or so ago and it kicked my booty, but I'm finally feeling better!! YAY! I have no voice still, but good thing I don't need that to write fanfiction!

So this update reveals more of our Selune blessed Tav's backstory that is based off my original D&D character. I was really hung up on whether or not I should include more backstory and lore for this GN!Tav/Reader, since it isn't very typical for a lot of the gn!reader fics I've read. But it was giving me such writers block if I did not include it, as I honestly have the rest of this fic completely planned out and the endgame I have for this pairing relies on more of this backstory, so I decided to include it! Also, its my fic… and my character sooo I hope you enjoy my baby and the little story I wrote for them five years ago. This character will have a special place in my heart forever, and I'm excited to share more of them with you all!

I also desperately wanted to include a scene of Astarion and Tav/Reader kissing for the first time since his confession and them setting boundaries about physical intimacy and contact. I know the game just lets you click the kiss option right away, but I like to think its something that Astarion would build himself up to again and would maybe even have to relearn — not kissing like it was a performance, but instead an expression.

Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts! It means so much to me and every time I see a notification! It fills me with infinite joy ♡♡♡ I know there is lots of posts circulating about this and tags get filled with it, but reblogs and comments are so so appreciated!! :)

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He wasn’t sure how you did it. Astarion was exhausted, beyond that actually — shattered. His feet were stiff and aching, his mind fuzzy with weariness. Yet you were still smiling, accepting the gratitude of every single person at the Last Light Inn with humble nods and smiles. He’d never had a longer day in his life. The temple, the Shadowfell, Shadowheart, Moonrise Towers, the goddamn Absolute. Gale... Gods, you had talked down Gale from fulfilling the desire and demands of an actual goddess. All in one day. All he wanted to do was to fall into a bed with you, and sleep. To just pretend for one moment that there wasn’t any marching armies or impending vampire masters waiting in Baldur's Gate. To ignore the thrum of anxiety and fear that coursed through him as he remembered exactly what was carved into his back — what Raphael had finally revealed to him. Just for today, he had wanted to rest. But no — the end of this never ending day was to finish with a celebration. An annoying, lively celebration. The vampire was being stereotypical as ever — standing in a shadowy corner, moody and silent as he nursed a red glass. It was wine. Gale had found a decadent bottle, buried away and forgotten about on some dusty shelf. The wizard had made an eloquent toast to the group gathered on the bottom floor of the inn. But he was now standing with Wyll — the two of them conversing politely with a pair of obviously flirtatious tieflings. Karlach had her arm wrapped around Damon, the two of them chatting enthusiastically and laughing. Astarion was surprised to not see Shadowheart by Karlach — the two of them inseparable as of late. No, what was more shocking was that the dark-haired cleric was sat next to Lae’zel. Their mouths barely opening as they spoke to each other in low voices, buried under the noise of the celebration in the inn. He almost choked on the sip he had just taken as his red eyes finally returned to you — where several people were forming a makeshift line to speak with you. The next one more bashful than the last as they leaned in to speak with you, all flushed cheeks and batting eyelashes. You always had a certain charm about you, an innate ability to draw out easy smiles and laughs from others. You were also undeniably attractive — anyone who said otherwise would be a blind idiot. But other people being enraptured by you had never bothered him before. He had just silently agreed with them — that yes, you were indeed a prize like no other. But you were his now, weren’t you? As he was yours. Even without the label or words that he still couldn’t figure out how to say. That he was too afraid to say. Regardless, why were you entertaining these fools?

He'd not felt this before — was it jealousy? Gods, he was being like a petulant child who didn't want to share their toy. You were a person, you could make your own decisions. That was the entire point of all of this.

What was he going to do — follow you around like a lost puppy? Drape himself over you, clutch onto you like a coat so others would see he was with you?

You must have felt his red eyes piercing through you as you suddenly flicked your eyes over to meet his gaze. Your face instantly brightened, a smile tugging on your lips. An overwhelming sense of relief went through him as you waved apologetically to the small group in front of you, before weaving your way over to his dark corner.

"Yes, darling?" He drawled as you approached, trying to hide any emotion betraying on his face as he tipped his wine glass in front of it and took another sip.

"Why are you hiding away in this corner? Not feeling like being paraded around like a hero?" You said sarcastically.

Astarion rolled his eyes at you, replying dryly, "I am many things, but a hero, I am not."

You leaned in conspiratorially, lowering your voice until it was just a whisper. "I would beg to differ. But you have a reputation to uphold, don't you?"

He barked out a laugh, before flicking you in the nose gently. "You cheeky pup."

"Ow." You feigned, scrunching your face up at him. "That hurt."

A wave of courage swept through him as he pushed back the little voice in his head. He leaned forward and pecked his lips onto the tip of your nose. He hoped the tingle that spread across his lips as they met your skin would spread to you. It seemed it did as your skin then flashed a delicious, brilliant shade from surprise. A tiny squeak even escaped you, your eyebrows shooting up.

You had not kissed, not since his confession. Not since all of this had started. Not a brush of lips against hands or cheeks, nothing. The look on your face and the sudden increase in the thrum of your heart had him feeling light headed. Did he truly have such an effect on you?

For a moment, he let his gaze from you lapse as he swept his eyes across the inn. To the disappointed glances of a few partygoers, and the knowing looks of his companions, watching the pair of you interact.

A flash of gratification went through him, satisfied at the effect he had not just on you but at those who had eyed you before. It squashed the jealously that had made a pit in his stomach, instead twisting it with a new, slowly recognizable feeling.

"There, all better?" He smirked.

You let out a breathy laugh, nodding at him.

Astarion rubbed his lips together, the tingling sensation on them lingering still. "How much longer does the Hero of the Shadowlands need to stay down here?"

You looked over your shoulder to the gathered patrons, the crowd thinning out more and more as the evening faded into a dark, late night. "Bored already?"

He let out a weary sigh, letting his shoulders droop. "Exhausted, darling. And I know you are too."

You were always a sight to see, holding a beauty he could have never imagined or conjured up in his head. But he could see the purple circles under your eyes, the usual sparkle in them had long gone dull.

Your eyes flickered to your boots, nodding your head in defeat. "You're right."

"I believe they have set some rooms aside for us, if you wish—"

"Do you?" You caught him off, trying to hide your own eagerness.

His gaze softened, a smile tugging on his lips, "Very much so."

The pair of you bid goodnight to your companions quietly, subtle nods and waves as they continued their own conversations or headed to their own rooms. Astarion walked slightly behind you on the stairs, his hand resting gently on the small of your back as you led the way. The path you took was familiar, the worn floor boards creaking before you were outside the private room the two of you had occupied once before.

Astarion let out a sigh of relief as he closed the door softly behind him, the sounds from the lingering party below muffled and leaving you in a peaceful quiet. But as he found reprieve in finally being alone, you suddenly crumbled.

You dived for the bed, a heartbreaking sob escaping you as your hands covered your face.

Your name choked out him before he crossed the room quickly and joined you on the edge of the mattress. Gods, what was it about this Inn and room that had you breaking apart on it? "Darling, what's wrong?" He asked, concern etching every feature.

"I- I, didn't-"

He remembered your words earlier today — gods, was that today? How comforting his touch was for you, being reminded of his presence. He placed his hand carefully on your own that was trembling on your thigh as you tried to speak.

You finally gasped out, "She wasn't there, she wasn't-"

Mol. The little tiefling girl. You had promised those rascal children downstairs you'd find her. And it was you who had told them she wasn't in Moonrise tonight, swallowing deeply as they dipped their heads with disappointment. But you had told them not to give up hope, that she was resourceful and strong. You had sounded so convincing that even he had believed you.

But here you were, sobbing and breaking apart in front of him. "Oh, sweetheart. Gods, I should have seen this, I'm sorry."

You sniffled, glancing up at him with wide eyes. "Why are you apologizing?"

He gave you a sad smile, his eyes shining with understanding, "I know you better by now. It was a mask you were wearing tonight...," He tucked a stray hair back behind your ear. "I hate it when you wear it."

"I just wanted everyone to be okay, I tried so hard..." Your voice cracked and broke.

"You've done so much, darling. Look at what we did today, that was because of you."

You always took care of everyone else. But who took care of you? Astarion thought, perhaps... him. He could… he would.

He had been.

"Oh my little moon, you don't have to carry the world by yourself, you know?"

You sniffled and nodded, silver still lining the bottoms of your eyes.

"May I?" He echoed the question you so often asked of him. You'd never touched him without asking the question first. Your consent you'd granted him was a separate conversation, one where you had told him casual, simple touches were okay. A silent conversation and agreement sometimes was exchanged with a look of your eyes. But with him, you had always asked. He thought that now he would return that favor to you, as you opened yourself to him — vulnerable and upset once again on the edge of this mattress.

He hoped you appreciated the sentiment, as much as he did.

The vampire reached down, hovering his hands over your boots. Your brows furrowed slightly before you were nodding. Your eyes never left his pale fingers as he untied the laces of your boots, gently prying them off before setting them down neatly at the foot of the bed. Then he did the same to his own before he slid his way up the bed, leaning against the headboard before patting the spot next to him.

"Come here."

You hesitated, before beginning to scooch over to him. When he opened his arms as a silent invitation you hesitated again. "Are you sure?"

"Yes. Please come here." He nodded solemnly.

Astarion willed himself to keep steady and clear, drawing a breath he truly did not need. He enveloped you in his arms as you laid next to him, trying to stop his limbs for stiffening. It was all so foreign, it was terrifying.

But your familiar scent filled his nose, and he could feel the steady rhythm of your heartbeat with your chest pressed to his side. His fingers laxed as you settled into him, bunching into the material of your shirt. Your breaths started calming and eyes fluttering as you laid with him.

"Is this okay?" You whispered — uncertainty laced every word.

"I was just going to ask you the same thing." He said softly, before swallowing thickly. "I don't know what I'm doing." You started to remove your limbs his, but he tightened his hold on you. "Don't, please."

"Astarion if you aren't comfortable—"

"I am, it's not that." He rubbed the soft material of your shirt between his fingers as he spoke, "I want so badly to be this for you, to be what you need. But I don't know how."

You craned your neck up to look at him, "I think you're doing a good job of it."

He looked down at you through his long lashes, "Truly?"

"Yes, Astarion." You sounded genuine, "No one... no one has ever made me feel the way you do."

He let out a sigh of contentment, settling in deeper with you before resting his chin on the top of your head. "I know we have so much left to do... But laying here with you. It makes it worth it."

"Are you scared?" You asked in a whisper.

"Terrified, actually." He admitted.

Your thumb rubbed across his stomach in smooth lines back and forth, "I will be with you every step of the way."

"That's part of what makes it all so terrifying." The vampire whispered, "Sometimes, I know that I couldn't do any of this without you by my side. But other times... when Ketheric turned into that thing, that abomination, with you looking so small in front of him..."

"I know."

Astarion moved his head so he could look at your face, "You were right though."

"Hmmm?" You hummed.

"This is nice. Gods, when did I get so soft?" He chuckled, the movement of his chest vibrating your head until you joined him.

Both of your faces were etched with bliss and contentment as you laid in the bed. On this bed where before he had laid awake, willing himself to fall into a trance, convincing himself to keep his distance from you, trying to protect himself from the inevitably of you.

Now, you both fell asleep like that, still in your regular attire, wrapped in each other's arms with your head buried on his chest.

The stars caressing their moon.

• • •

The journey towards Baldur's Gate was turbulent and nerve-wracking while also... hopeful.

The group was buzzing with energy — the anticipation of returning to Baldur's Gate had made some of your companions restless in more ways then one.

You were all sat for a short rest, relaxing in a patch of long, green grass just off of the dirt road you were traveling on. It was just your group now, the other parties and groups had begun moving at different paces and times until it was just your familiar companions now.

Astarion was laid out in the grass, his head resting on your lap and your fingers absent-mindedly playing with his soft, white tresses. His eyes were closed, basking in the glow of the sun that was set high in the sky at this time of day. Occasionally the shadows on his face would bounce as his long lashes flickered, opening his eyes to glance at you with a dreamy expression on his face.

It made your movements stutter each time you noticed it. But the grip he had on your heart — that was steady and true. He had possessed you in a way you still could not articulate, even all these weeks later.

But you blinked back to reality as Gale's voice broke the silence. "You're a beautiful couple."

You looked up, a sheepish smile spreading across your face from being noticed. Astarion craned his neck, his red eyes rolling back to look at the wizard before settling back into your lap with a disinterested look crossing his face.

"Oh, I'm sorry... I'm made things awkward, haven't I?" Gale mumbled, his hands twirling with the blades of grass in front of him.

You couldn't help the blush that was spreading across your cheeks at the attention. Especially as you realized the rest of your companions were looking over with small smirks.

Gale continued as you remained silent, "I just meant that... Well, its nice to see my friends so happy. That's all."

"Thank you, Gale." Astarion drawled, readjusting himself so he laid deeper on your lap.

The wizard blinked in surprise, "You're welcome. Are you — is it a secret, or?"

"Not a secret, no." The vampire purred with a shake of his head.

"We are just taking our time." You finished, a soft smile growing on your face to match the one spreading across Astarion's.

"Hmm, that's nice." Gale trailed off, a wistful expression on his face.

Before the silence could really settle in again, the rest of the party started a conversation up.

"Won't be long now until we get to Baldur's Gate." Wyll said, his face hard to read.

"Are you nervous?" Karlach stretched her long leg, nudging him in the ankle playfully.

His mouth scrunched and nose crinkled, "I... I don't know how to feel."

"I can't fucking wait! I'll be able to show you guys my old stomping grounds!" The barbarian said excitedly, falling back dramatically into the grass with her limbs spread wide. She addressed you, shouting up to the blue sky, "What about you, Giggles? Excited to see home again?"

"Oh," Your fingers froze, hovering over Astarion's hair. "I had only lived in the city for just under a year. Home will always be in the north."

"The north? I don't think I've heard you speak of your home much." Shadowheart asked quietly, a quizzical look on her face.

"I, yes— near the Ice Spires." Your mouth twitched.

"You hail from a noble line, yes?" Gale asked. Everyone was eyeing you with curiosity, even Astarion still stretched out on your lap. His red eyes shifting slightly as he studied you.

You swallowed, painting on a polite smile before speaking, "My father is a Viscount. He is a formidable figure in the region."

"Ah." The warlock grimaced, his eyes sad. "Why do I get the feeling our stories are more similar than I realize?"

You bristled. "I'm not exiled or anything... It's just been some time. That's all."

"That's all?"

A humorless laugh escaped you, "I am a second born child. And my older brother is much more obedient and better suited to the game of politics than I am." You couldn't help the sad, bitter smile that spread across your face. The thought of home stung in more ways then one.

Astarion noticed how tense you had become, his hand squeezing your knee as he pushed himself up with a dramatic huff. "We are never going to get to the city if we sit here lounging all day."

You shot him a grateful look, and he gave you the slightest nod in recognition as he offered his hand to lift you up. He did so easily, brushing off blades of grass lingering on you both gently.

"You were the one complaining not long ago about how long we had been walking for!" Gale said, sounding completely exasperated as Wyll helped him up.

"Me? I said that? I don't think so." The rogue playfully scoffed, shaking his head so his soft curls bounced dramatically. He looked over his shoulder at you with a conspiratorial smile before stretching his hand out for you. His fingers intertwined with yours easily as he pulled you along the dirt path, away from the questioning and burning curiosity of the rest of the party.

• • •

Your group finally settled down for the night — picking a small clearing just off of the well-worn, dirt path you had been traveling down. Perhaps the last time you would be sleeping in the wilderness. You would be at Wyrm's Crossing by midafternoon tomorrow.

Astarion had set up your tent on the edge of camp, attempting to give you both some sense of privacy from your busybody companions. He knew they meant well, that they hadn't meant for this afternoon to turn into an interrogation. That, like him, they were just curious to know more about you. As kind and good you were to all of them, you were still somewhat of a mystery. You had revealed the origins of your powers to the group yes, but you rarely spoke about yourself or your home.

Not even to him.

The vampire had been content to let it lie. He knew it would come with time — and he certainly couldn't make any demands of you. Not after how gracious and patient you had been with him. But he couldn't deny that part of him wanted to know more. Astarion had somehow become an open book with you — revealing and exploring parts of himself that he had buried down so deep that he was surprised he could find them.

He worried that it all had been about him for so long. His trauma, his past, his goals. That maybe you had kept parts of yourself hidden away, on the back burner for him.

You had your back turned to him at the moment, the golden flickering of the candles in the tent illuminating the curve of your spine and freckles across your bare skin. Your muscles stretched and tensed beautifully as you lifted your arms over your head —pulling your nightclothes over yourself as you changed in the corner. It was a boundary that was set much earlier, that he had slowly started making less and less strict.

He wasn't ready for anything more yet — he knew that. But his red eyes couldn't help but roam your figure. He couldn't help the familiar sensation of want twisting low in his stomach, the twitch of his fingers at his side as he imagined running his fingertips over your soft skin again.

The smile you gave him as you turned around was dazzling, even in the dim light and tight space of the shared tent. You joined him cross-legged in the center of the tent, both of you not quite ready to go to sleep just yet.

He picked at his nail for a moment, trying to seem nonchalant as he opened his pink mouth to speak. "So... the Ice Spires?"

You raised a single eyebrow, a hard to read look crossing the rest of your features. "Yes?"

His fingers continued to fidget in front of him. "It's cold... all the time?"

"Not all the time. Our winters can be brutal though." You said with a scrunched nose.

"Oh, what a lovely sell. I can't wait to go now!" He said sarcastically.

"Ha." You laughed dryly, before your voice turned wistful. "It's beautiful honestly... I miss it."

The vampire studied your face as you undoubtedly saw visions of your home in your mind's eye. The edges of his lips curved up as he remembered your promise to take him there one day. He broke you out of your daydream with a quiet cough before he spoke again, "You don't have to tell me, if you don't want. But why did you leave there, darling?"

Your eyes flashed to the floor of the tent, your mouth forming a hardline. "Promise me you won't be upset?" Your voice was barely a whisper.

His eyebrows furrowed together at your reaction. He took two fingers, dipping them under your chin so you would look up at him. "Why would I be upset? You leaving home for whatever reason is why you are here now. With me."

Your eyes softened with his answer, before you nodded. Yet you still licked your lips nervously before speaking, "Well... you know that Selûne told my mother I would be destined for a different path then the life of nobility. My mother agreed to it all those years ago, both my parents knew and yet... they still hoped they could reel it all back in. That enough etiquette and language lessons would shape me into the perfect child they hoped I would be. But it was never me. I tried for them, I really did. Instead I started to fantasize about the people in our history lessons like they were characters in a book, and I spoke too loud and laughed at the wrong moment at dinner."

Astarion couldn't help the smile that spread across his face as he imagined you as a child — your face round and soft with innocence, your brilliant smile with missing teeth. The havoc that you would have caused, racing down wealthy halls as you acted out scenes from your books and danced in an empty ballroom with your melodic laugh echoing in the space. A piece of himself he had long forgotten about twinged inside him. He couldn't remember his own childhood anymore — it was lost to the last two hundred years of darkness. But something warmed in him as he dreamed up what yours was like.

He snapped back to reality as you spoke again. "But I had a duty. I'm the second born, I wasn't being primed to one day take over for our father and run the keep, but I could be used in other ways. I've known of it since I was twelve."

His white brows furrowed again, "Known what?"

"When I became of age I would be married off to secure wealth and political ties with other territories. I'm engaged... technically." You admitted.

His eyes dropped immediately to your fingers, the several jewels that adorned them from the moment he met you. He had never thought anything of them — thinking they were an artful display of rings that matched your personality and appearance well. But there it was — a golden ring of much higher quality then the rest, with a large ruby sitting in the center of it. Gods, how had he missed that.

"Oh my gods. I'm a homewrecker." Then he burst out laughing, his head thrown back and his hands holding his stomach as he howled.

"Astarion, you'll wake up half the camp!" You leaned forward and hissed.

"I'm sorry, I just —" He let out between gasps of breath, "It's so funny. Of course the person I fall for is to be wed to someone else."

You joined his chuckles, shaking your head. "It is like a cliché plotline from some terrible drama."

"It is! Or like a punchline to some joke. Did you hear the one about the vampire and the fiancé?" You both laughed for a moment, before he clutched onto your hand and squeezed it reassuringly.

"So you aren't upset?" Your voice a whisper again, uncertainty flooded every word.

"Upset? Darling, why would I be upset?"

You huffed out an exasperated breath, "Astarion, I just told you I am betrothed to another person."

"And you are on the other side of the continent from them. Not married. And sitting in my tent. Is this why you left?"

Your eyes widened in surprise, "Yes, we planned it all out actually— my betrothed and I."

"Really?"

You nodded, "They had also spent the last years troubling over it, attempting to delay it for as long as possible."

"I'm assuming getting kidnapped by mind flayers was not apart of that plan?" He said with a smirk.

"Definitely not. I so badly wanted to travel, to see the world outside of our keep I'd known my whole life. So... they insisted to my family that they needed a spouse that was learned and well-traveled. That I could enroll in a college to become a more suitable match."

Astarion raised a white brow, "And that worked?"

"It did. I think my father was so desperate for it all to work out that they just agreed."

"And how did you attending a college lead you to Baldur's Gate so many miles away from home?"

You let out a dry chuckle, "I will say that I did go to the college like I intended. I lasted a week. Just long enough to purchase supplies and stationary from the college before paying for a spot on the next wagon out of Silverymoon."

"Stationary?"

"I've been sending letters home for the past year, using stationary from the college so my family believes I'm still there studying and being a model citizen."

He raised his eyebrows, a smirk spreading across his lips. "I'm impressed. That's very conniving... I didn't know you had it in you."

You smiled sheepishly, your fingers twisting in your lap. "I'll admit it was a clever idea. I ran out of supplies about a month before the Nautiloid."

He pursed his lips as he finally understood, "They haven't heard from you since then?"

You shook your head, "No. I imagine my father has sent some of his men to check on me, and they have long discovered that I took back my tuition deposit and left months and months ago."

"This whole time we were worried about a vampire master storming our camp, when really it could have been a disgruntled father or worried mother finding us?"

A large exhale left your nose as you shook your head, "Oh, my father would never come himself. He would just send his second-best men and a strongly worded letter ordering me back home. My mother though... I can only imagine how she betrayed and worried she feels."

The vampire squeezed your hand again before running his thumb along the backs of your knuckles. "Why did you never tell me this?"

"Astarion, the hardship and abuse that you went through...," Your eyes shined with pain, "My story is nothing compared to yours."

"Your story is not nothing." He shook his head, his voice earnest. "Your story is you — and you are everything. Never spare parts of yourself from me."

"Even the messy parts that years of etiquette lessons couldn't train away?"

He let out a breathy laugh before smiling at you, "Especially those parts, my lovely moon."

"You have gone soft on me, Starry." You teased before matching his smile.

• • •

After another day of travel, you stood in the abandoned castle in Wyrm's Crossing, bracing yourself on the stone wall. The skyline of Baldur's Gate could be seen from here, the distant sound of the bell's ringing heard even from here.

Your party had finally made it — after all of these weeks. You would walk the familiar cobblestone streets of Baldur's Gate tomorrow. The familiar scents and sounds of vendors and citizens, the bustle and crowds would be so different from the wilderness and forests you had been traveling through.

The group's energy was buzzing as you settled for camp in the abandoned castle — a strange mixture of excitement and nerves. Astarion hadn't hidden his feelings with you — his anxieties and insecurities surfacing with every step closer and closer to the city limits. With every step closer to Cazador and his ritual. Hundreds of different ideas were bouncing around his head, you could tell.

Yet your confession to him last night was still replaying in your head, especially as your stared at the ring on your left finger — the red gem catching the light. You weren't sure why you wore it anymore. A habit, you guessed.

The sound of purposeful, shuffling feet announced that you were no longer alone. Craning your neck you looked over to see the man who normally consumed your thoughts, climbing the stone steps that led up to the falling apart battlements you stood on.

"What are you doing up here, darling?"

"Just taking a moment." You admitted as you loosed a heavy breath. "And you?"

"Oh, just over pretending to be interested the idle chat by the fire." Astarion waved his hand, before sliding in next to you. He braced his elbows onto the edge looking out over to the skyline. You watched him take a deep steadying breath, his eyebrow crinkled with worry for a moment.

You fiddled unconsciously with the golden ring on your left hand as you watched him. The movement caught the vampire's attention, his red eyes snapping to it before looking up at you. He chewed the inside of his lip, before speaking, "Can I ask you a question?"

Your stomach tightened with sudden nerves, "Of course."

"This wedding... Your arranged marriage."

"Hmm?" You hummed.

His pale throat bobbed as he swallowed, "Would you have gone through with it? If there was no Nautiloid, no tadpole — none of this. Would you have gone through with the arrangement?"

A heavy sigh escaped you as you pushed your elbows off of the stone edge and stood up, "I would have... I would have tried. It felt inevitable before — inescapable."

He shifted around, so he was facing you — standing to his full height and looking you in the eyes. "And now?" He whispered, his long fingers reaching to brush the insides of your wrist lightly.

"Astarion... I never could have imagined any of this. I spent my whole life fantasizing and daydreaming of an escape and grand adventure. Nothing I've dreamed up has ever come close to being with you. I have fought mind flayers and ogres, refused Gods and marched across the country so that we can keep going. So that we can have a chance. I will take my father's disappointment and wrath for ruining his plans for financial security."

"Heh — We can add him to the list of people we've angered along the way." He joked, but his eyes were glimmering with unspoken emotion after your declaration.

You studied the handsome man before you, your lips parting slightly as you took him in. He was radiant in the moonlight, his white hair and pale skin shining. The way his usually sharp eyes softened and rounded as he looked at you.

Gods, you loved him. You had known for sometime now that you did. The words had been crawling up your throat, lingering on your tongue and swirling in your mind for days. But you would be patient for him.

One side of his pink mouth turned up, "Why are you looking at me like that?"

Your head cocked to the side, "Like what?"

"You..." He seemed like he was at a loss for words for a moment. He shook his head at himself, before he admitted in a whisper, "They way you look at me... you make me feel like I'm poetry."

"You are, Astarion." You said simply. Courage suddenly flooded through you. You knew you would be fine, no matter how he answered. You wouldn't dare rush him. But you wanted to ask tonight. "May I — May I kiss you?"

He blinked in surprise before his red eyes flicked down to your lips and he unconsciously licked his own. Then he locked eyes with you, nodding breathlessly. "Yes," He whispered back, his long lashes fluttering. "Yes."

Moving your hands up slowly and gently, your fingertips gripped the side of his strong jaw. You heard his breath sharpen as you moved your face to meet his — slowly, giving him time and space, allowing him to change his mind and pull away. But he didn't. Instead his eyes closed softly, his head tilting towards yours as he waited for you to kiss him. Then your lips locked as your mouth pressed softly against his, carefully as you waited to see if he would kiss you back. A low noise escaped you as you felt his lips press harder against yours, returning the kiss.

You had long thought of your first kiss with Astarion in the woods near the Druid's Grove all that time ago. You thought you had memorized the sweet taste of him on your lips, the scent of leather lingering from his armor and groans that made the hairs on your arms stand up.

But this — this was so different. Not practiced, not ritualistic like he so often said.

This new first kiss was so painfully soft and tender. He tasted like wine, rosemary and honey. His hair softer then you remembered as your finger toyed with the curled tips at the base of his neck. The happiest of sounds escaped him as he parted his lips for you, allowing you to deepen the kiss as your tongue slid across his teeth. You both stood like that for a moment, relishing in the feeling until you both felt dizzy. Your lips stuck together slightly as you pulled away. His forehead was pushed against yours, like he was no longer content to not be touching you.

Astarion's eyes were ablaze in the moonlight as he looked at you, his mouth falling open as he caught his breath. "Again. Kiss me, again.” “Starry?” You asked, your brow twitched. “Kiss me. Please. I miss it, I've missed you." One of his hands gripped the tip of your chin as you moved your mouth back towards him, halving the movement as he pulled you back in for another kiss. The other intertwining with yours in between you, squeezing your fingers gently.

His sharp teeth dug into your bottom lip, causing a shudder to run down your spin. "Slow down, my love." Your groaned out.

"I have — weeks of this — to catch up on." His voice was breathless and he continued to interrupt his own words as he pressed lips to yours over and over.

You pulled away, studying his face — the skin around his mouth pink from kissing, a slight flush crossing his complexion. But his eyes were fixed on you, filled with want and need. "I'm not going anywhere, Astarion. We have time."

"Good. " He beamed, resting his forehead on yours again as you both breathed each other in. The two of you silhouetted on the crumpling battlements as you held on to each other for a moment longer.

Read Part VI here

#bg3 fanfic #bg3 fanfiction #astarion ancunin #astarion x reader #astarion x gn reader #astarion x tav #astarion/tav #astarion/reader #astarion fanfic #bg3 astarion

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woneuntonzz · 3 months

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what's it like to love ? 𓇢𓆸

anton lee x afab!reader (part 2/5)

• part 1

• part 3

• part 4

• part 5

warning/s: cussing!

genre: fluff -`♡´- highschool love

word count: 2.8k words!!

౨ৎ ˖ ࣪⊹ description: student athlete!anton x studious class officer!reader | you swore to yourself, to you friends and even to your parents “I'm not one to easily fall.” and you thought you were that tough, not until him of course. [note!!: hiii i'd just like to quickly say that this is my first ever post ever and i'm still a bit insecure with my writing, and english is not my first language so bare with me now 🙏 open for any forms of feedback please do take note that i will take longer to update/respond to anything because of school, thank you!!! ]

[Day 1]

A new day has come to greet you, but just like yesterday, you were once again lacking a few hours of sleep. You had your eyes closed, but you kept thinking about the endless possible scenarios that await you the next day. You were embarrassed to admit it, but you brought yourself to school with much anticipation, cause he had something to prove after all.

When you got to school, you were expecting the same, empty and quiet classroom that always greeted you in the morning —being the first to arrive in your class all the time. When you unlocked the door however, you were instead met with Anton sitting in front of your desk with his back facing you.

He turned to look at you and you were able to take a glimpse of why he was there and what he might be doing.

In front of him, resting on top of your desk, is a notebook and a few pieces of paper. You could see a blurry view of numbers, variables and equations.

“I just thought I should teach you the math lesson you missed last time —oh, and, good morning.” you smile at the shy little wave that followed his soothing voice.

“Good morning.” being your first time speaking since waking up this morning, your voice came out a little more mellow.

And it made Anton melt in his seat. He averted his eyes from you after realizing that you were looking right into his eyes just as how he looked into yours. He felt the blood rushing up to his cheeks as you got to your seat and sat down across from him. His eyes wandered all over your face. Somehow you seemed a lot more angelic under the early morning sunlight that lit up the classroom.

Anton tutored you all morning. There were times when you wouldn't understand what he's saying, partly because he's speaking a lot softer the whole time, and mostly because you were just that slow. You would lean in a bit and so would he, repeating what you claimed to not understand. Your faces eventually got close enough that you felt each other's breathing. It'd be a lie to say that Anton was not panicking on the inside, he definitely was, and you could tell.

He was pointing and writing with shaky hands and would stutter more than your fingers could count. Not only that, but you could see the tint on his cheeks.

“D-did I say something funny?” he asked after hearing you chuckle.

“No, no. Sorry, it's just, I never knew you were into make up.” the look on Anton's face reflected his confusion.

“I am?” you bursted out laughing which only made him smile, face as hot as the day.

“Nice blush.” That's when he hurriedly hid his face in his hands. “Hey, hey, it's alright, I'm not judging.”

“I know, I —I'm just really extra self-conscious around you.” his voice was muffled by his hands pressed against his face.

Though you two were not able to notice, some of your classmates were paying great attention to the two of you, especially Anton's friends. They tried giving teasing looks towards Anton but failing to get a reaction or any signs of acknowledgement. You were right in front of him, talking, laughing, and listening to him teach you, why would he turn his attention to anyone else? He's been waiting for this moment ever since the first time he was made aware of his liking for you.

“Is this… for me?” you asked hesitantly when he placed a cheese bread and canned coffee on your desk.

“Yeah —I just wasn't sure if you'd like it—”

“You're kidding.”

Anton slowly shook his head. “No?...”

“I always get these at the convenience store before going to school. I just don't have the energy to stop by there everyday anymore.” your voice shifted to a somber tone as you stared at the pillowy cheese bread which triggered Anton's worry for a bit until you spoke again. “Thank you! These are honestly my faves. I should really be more productive now. I need coffee so bad but I'm becoming too lazy these days to get some so I can't help but snooze around all day.”

Anton watched as you rambled on about how tiring school is, at this point, he had already finished teaching you and class was about to start in 10 minutes, but he was still there. At some point you stopped talking and he had his chin propped on his hand just staring at you, the whole scene was like one of the dramas you've watched before. The bell rang seconds later, and only then would Anton break out of his trance, being obliged to go back to his seat.

At lunch time, you remained seated on your seat, you were assigned by your teacher to collect and organize the activity sheets and bring it to her by lunch, and so you got started as soon as the clock hit 12:30.

“Can I help you?” you look up immediately, and there he was, standing beside your seat.

“Oh, you don't have to. Go have lunch.” you could still feel his presence towering over your seated figure.

It took him a minute to speak again. “I wanna have lunch with you, if that's okay.”

“Oh, yeah. But this might take a little longer—”

“Just continue, I'll be waiting for you right here.” he dragged a nearby chair next to yours and just sat there.

You fumbled a bit, feeling his stare. You thought maybe it's just a feeling, you thought even if he liked you, you shouldn't assume things so easily.

Anton watched as your hands delicately glided over the papers you were handling. He smiled to himself seeing the pout forming on your lips as you arranged the papers in alphabetical order of your classmate's surnames. He saw you misplace his paper, placing him before someone who's last name starts with 'h'.

“Hong goes before me. Sorry I just noticed that.” His voice was very low and subtle, almost a whisper.

“Oh, okay. Thanks.” you hurriedly fixed the arrangement and continued with the rest.

You were able to finish before the 10-minute mark, Anton had offered to accompany you to the teacher's lounge to pass the papers.

Right after, you two went to the cafeteria walking alongside each other. The both of you were quiet, one was more nervous than the other, and when you both reached the cafeteria, Sohee and Xen's surprised eyes caught your attention right away. The couple grinned, exchanging looks.

You walked behind Anton and lightly pushed him to the food queue. “Let's get some food, I'm so hungry.”

He was caught off guard with your action but maintained his composure as you continued to push him to the food queue.

After getting your food, your attention was immediately called by Sohee. “Y/n-Ton! sit with us!”

Your eyebrows were knitted, while also holding in a laugh with how cringey Sohee's ship name for you and Anton is. Meanwhile, the tall figure that was walking with you towards Xen and Sohee was smiling the entire time, embracing the color in his cheeks that he always struggled hiding.

The moment the two of you sat down, the pair sitting from across started firing at you with questions.

“What were you two doing in the classroom?” Sohee started.

“You two were in there for a while huh?” Xen was quick to add to Sohee's probing.

You started to continuously tap the table with the end of your spoon. “I was fixing up our class' activity papers!”

“Yeah? and Anton?” Xen's gaze went from you to Anton.

The beat that vibrated throughout the table you occupied stopped, enclosing your spoon with your grip holding it still and up sturdy. You looked over to Anton, only turning your head slightly, just enough to see his rosy face.

“Oh, I was just —you know. Waiting… for her.” after the last words that fell from his mouth, he looked over to you, right into your eyes.

You quickly looked away after a very short while, afraid that the feeling you caught from his shy but sweet gesture will start showing through your face.

The remainder of lunch time went on with the two of you exchanging glances from time to time while the couple in front of you kept babbling on and bickering a little, you occasionally joining in on the conversation.

The rest of the day was like the usual, but you felt a bit more… willing —willing to let a little loose with taking notes, willing to let yourself be distracted with the design imprinted on your 4 year-old mechanical pencil, willing to stare at your teacher with nothing but passive listening —willingly choosing to briefly meet eyes with Anton from time to time.

You never saw Anton the same way he supposedly saw you. To you he was just that one guy in class, and sure, he wasn't as noisy or as annoying as the other guys in your class; his friends, but you were certain that he wasn't worth your attention. But then here you are, giving him the focus you had always reserved for class. Was it because he kissed you? No. It was just a stupid peck, kind of childish too. —you thought to yourself. But then you recalled the feeling, it was irresistible. You've never considered yourself as the 'in-denial' type of person, but now you couldn't even hold back the thought. What if Sohee and Xen didn't arrive to put a stop to the strong desire radiating from the both of you? The longing desire to come back for more.

You sighed and closed your eyes. You fixed yourself up to a poise state, finally focusing in class.

Anton eyed you the entire time your mind was going in a whirl. He wanted to know what you were thinking about, but he knew he was still far from getting there. However, like in every swimming tournament he's competed in, he's determined to give it his all.

————— ୨୧ —————

You sat at the edge of your bed, just staring at your shoes. You were still in your school uniform, thinking about how Anton had chased you down the hallway just before you stepped out the classroom to give you another pack of cheese bread.

“I won't be around tomorrow for training, but I'll message you! If that's fine with you.”

You had no idea why you felt so down to hear that from him. It wasn't like he's the only one you knew in school, you had quite a handful of friends, and your classmates were pretty fond of you too.

You rubbed the sides of your shoes against each other, your head hanging low as you felt your eyes get heavier and heavier. You stood up from your bed after taking a quick glance at the clock that read 7:08pm. You stood up, turning around to face your bed. You went around to get your pajamas at your towel, then your phone that soundlessly rested on your bed lit up. You were able to immediately make up the brachiosaurus emoji from a distance. You held your phone in your hand, staring at the notification of Anton's message on your lockscreen. You sighed. You had stuck a mental note to your brain ages ago, no matter what, choose yourself before choosing others.

You got over the fleeting excitement that rushed over you. You waited for your phone to turn itself off before placing it back down to where it was and heading to the bathroom. Your trip to the bathroom, though would've usually taken you about an hour to get out of, ended quicker than you thought. The next thing you know, you were laying on your stomach, elbows pressed on the mattress, phone in hand. You opened Line as fast as you could blink.

A low chuckle escapes your throat as your feet kick themselves up into the air.

Anton is wide awake as soon as he feels his phone vibrate in his hands. He had been waiting for your response. He was laying flat on his back with one of his hands resting on his chest, and the other holding his phone, extended to the other end of the bed. For a good minute he thought you might never reply, or worse, you might message him dry. But his apprehensions were refuted once he received your replies.

Once he did see your message though, he was unable to contain a small laugh, painting a permanent smile on his face, the same smile he always wore whenever he thought about you.

Contrary to how you appeared in chat, you were all smiles, kicking your feet up into the air like a child.

Even with his whimsy message, you couldn't help but expect something. You didn't want to be so sure of exactly what it is you were expecting, but your eyes were heavily fixated on your phone screen so much so that anyone who saw you at the moment might think you were trying to burn out your vision.

Anton bit his lip, growing more and more anxious as the time ran, and so he fumbled around quickly following his last message with a rather pathetic attempt to sweep everything under the rug.

Anton bit his lip a bit harder at your response, chuckling and blushing so hard that If anyone ever saw him like this he would self-isolate forever and create his own post-apocalyptic reality.

You just felt so genuinely happy, so touched that he invited you to watch him swim. Technically, anyone could walk in and watch him without his invitation or not much as asking him, but you just felt so special. For once, you felt wanted. He wanted you to be there for him. Notwithstanding his cheesy pick-up line, your body never lies, and your cheeks are enough to tell you Anton's got you again.

Usually you would subside these feelings with eccentric responses, but this time, you couldn't

Anton grew a bit worried when you were taking a while to respond. He didn't know whether his sappiness had a bad or good effect on you, heck, he wasn't sure if it did anything at all. Worse case scenario is you would leave him on read.

His smile would only grow wider at your response.

At this point, for you, somehow you just didn't want to give in just yet. If Anton was a book, you have only read two pages, and that's the title page and the table of contents. And so you quickly got over mutual tension being encapsulated in your phone screens.

Anton's smile drooped down, but was instantly replaced with a straight wide line paired with bulging eyes. His friends had always jokingly told him he was cute, teasing him all the time, him never hearing the end of it. He just was never able to tell when it's just teasing and when it's just a genuine compliment.

He suddenly lost his ability to be able to come up with quick and masked replies.

It was true. You thought if he had to make your heart flutter, why not do the same for him?

As if you aren't enough to make his heart jump out of his chest.

You had to take a breather. You thought you were being crazy, feeling so moved by the bare minimum. They're all just words, for all you know there might be no real thoughts behind them at all.

You released a breathy titter, moving yourself to a more comfortable position as you felt like this conversation wasn't ending just yet. You didn't want it to.

Anton was very observant, when it came to you at least. He couldn't miss a single thing about you that's wide open for him to write in his personal journal he had created in his mind, one that he made only for you.

When you made your ant joke, Anton let out a “pfft!” suppressing the laughter threatening to escape his mouth. He pursed his lips, beaming with adoration even with how corny and unfunny you were.

You couldn't help but bite your bottom lip when he calls you adorable, hiding yourself under the covers as you squirm your legs around like a child throwing tantrums.

You thought you were being way too ridiculous, feeling as if your reaction was unjust.

“what am I winning?”

my heart lol —you quickly erased what you had previously typed on your keyboard. You pressed your palm against your cheek, squishing it until you were able to regain your sanity.

Whilst Anton was waiting for your reply, his heartbeat increased significantly and he feared he might just collapse.

The conversation ended after a while and it left Anton smiling as he turned off his phone. He felt a bit ashamed to expect more from you, that he would be able to catch a glimpse of how he made you feel, but this was just the beginning.

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈• ｡ﾟ

#riize #briize #riize fanfic #riize au #riize fluff #riize x reader #riize anton #anton lee #Spotify

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0rczy · 1 month

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ORCZY'S FAN FICTION RECOMMENDATIONS

For following Fandoms: Varian and the 7 kingdoms, Lego monkie kid, JRWI riptide

Hi there! I tought I would share some of my favourite fanfictions I've read since April last year, as sort of a recap and also recommendations. These are all longer stories btw, ranging from 78K to 236K words. Hope you find something that piques your interest :D

If you have any other recommendations, PLEASE share them, I'd love to read more from these fandoms.

VAT7K

-Varian's Tangled Trials by IFoundYouJustineTime and TheArtistsMuse A complete Vat7k story adapting the original creators' plot points into an amazing, 24 chapters (episodes) long fic that reads like an actual cartoon. If you're new to Vat7k or Tangled The Series, or even if you haven't seen the latter (like me), you WILL enjoy this. If you like a fun adventure with a bunch of nerds as a found family, this is for you.

-What Summer Meant to You -If I Really Hated you (and I really, really do) both by Battybatzgirl First one's a battle of the bands/modern AU, second is an AU where the boys are rival engineers, both focusing on the ship Varigo. The writing style is what made me stay and read these to the end. Incredibly funny and entertaining to read, the way Varian and Hugo are characterised is just. So good. If you like a well written, lighthearted, romantic comedy, this is for you. (Both include some skippable adult scenes, but the story is much more about the romance)

-Making End's Meet by Meltthepoint As the author's name suggest, this is a melting point (Donella x Ulla) story, set in a modern setting. Donella enrolls Hugo into this new school, who then befriends Varian. Ulla and Donella meet again. This is about how two women make up and start anew after their lives went into directions they didn't want. The story is much more character focused, a really fun read. Very insightful about the women's characters. An exception, as I still haven't finished reading it. Definitely not the type of fic I can binge read, but I'm really enjoying it.

At the end of everything by Squirrelflight A Night in the woods AU (haven't played the game, you don't have to, to read it), and unfinished as of yet, but man. Worth checking out! Unlike the stories above, this one's definitely darker and has a really tense aura. Love it. The writing is so good it makes me so thrilled about what will happen next! I also really like, once again, the characterisation.

LMK

-You can stay here by KALL A pre canon story about how Pigsy and Tang adopt MK, how MK gets to be in a safe environment and starts figuring himself out. Great writing style, entertaining plot, what more could I ask for? (maybe an update lol) As of yet, unfinished, and hasn't been updated since late 2022. The author actually posted ( https://www.tumblr.com/its-kall-the-clown/735524530668371968/are-you-going-to-be-updating-any-fics-on-your-ao3 ) about wanting to rewrite the story sometime. Which is great! In case you're reading this, take as long as you want!

-A garden across our collarbone by PittedPeaches Spicynoodle soulmate AU where what you write, or in MK's case, draw on your skin, appears on the soulmate's skin as well. Red Son's journey of (very slowly, this is a slowburn) falling in love with MK. A lot of inner monologues, the story plays out more like a retelling of what happened from Red Son's perspective. Kind of like a diary entry and I LOVE IT. I actually didn't understand the pairing before reading this, nor was I that invested in Red Son's character. This fic changed everything. (it also sends you good luck if you read it on the train! I acquired: friends!)

RIPTIDE

-BREAKING FREE! by earlgray_milktea A fish 'n chips Highschool Musical AU (another thing I haven't seen, you don't need to, to read this). The writing is so undoubtedly Disney, it is at times so over the top dramatic, you can't help but smile at half the interactions. The charm is big on this one. The characters are exagerated but somehow not (completely) out of character. Basically if Riptide was on Disney, this is exactly how they'd act. Also it's just really, really cute.

-Depths of Natarus by goldpines Chip Mermaid AU set in an Undersa/Oversea war, focusing on Fish n Chips as well as Jay Ferin (my girl!). Two reasons why you should read this right now. First: the descriptions are SO detailed and immersive! It made me also kinda have a crush on Gillion Tidestrider. How. Second: it made me care about Jay. And the way she's written here is just so so great. You can tell the author knows what they're doing, the feels just keep coming, I alost teared up multiple times. This story makes you feel a lot of emotions at once, an overall amazing reading experience.

And these were my favs since last April. Specifically the ones that made me go absolutely insane. In a good way. Again, if you have any good recommendations (preferably longer stories, but shorter ones are also fine), please feel free to share them.

Thank you for reading this, if you did :D

#fanfiction #fic rec #fic recommendation #vat7k #varian and the seven kingdoms #vat7k fanfic #lmk #lego monkie kid #lmk fanfiction #jrwi riptide #jrwi show #jrwi fanfiction #jrwi fic

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greensagephase · 6 months

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Hi! :D I hope you're having a good day. I just wanna start off by saying how ABSOLUTELY AMAZING PART 10 WAS. JUST- 🤌🤌✨✨ MWUA, CHEFS KISS. So my pen slipped and made these lil skechers of Miguel :)) because I'm lowkey obsessed with your fic. I hope you like them💕🫰🥹 Hope you have a great day/night!

(I wanted to tag you but Tumblr didn't let me comment on my own post, like what??😤)

Hiii!! I hope you're having a wonderful day!! I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS SO MUCH!! Like, I'm GIGGLING and BLUSHING - I'm so not normal about this and this man - the chokehold he has on me is unreal and scary at this point tbh 😭😭 so I'm just here freaking out about this and how freaking cute and adorable Miguel looks. I'm so happy your pen slipped, haha!! I hope it slips in the future again so I can see more of your art 😂 but no seriously, it's so amazing!! Thank you, thank you!! And I already said it but I hope you're resting and got to sleep some more since you were awake so early!! Maybe you need Miguel's sweatshirt to go to sleep!! Thank you so much for your support as always!!! I truly appreciate your support with each update. Ever since you came across the fic you've been there each time supporting it. It really means a lot to me and just know I always look forward to reading your reactions to the update!!! It means so so much to me!!! ❤️🥹

(Also, I don't know why tumblr does that! I remember you were unable to tag me last time, too so I just went ahead and followed you on your other blog!!)

I hope you have a wonderful start to your week and please take care of yourself!! Have a great day/night!!! ✨❤️🥹

-Alondra

#THANK YOUU AGAIN!!!#still laughing at miguel's face on the top sketch hehe his face is just so freaking cute #wish we actually got to wash his hair fr #the way I think he would actually be so sensitive to getting his hair washed I-#just imagining things here don't mind me #the fact that this man is not real is actually tragic to me #it's november and I'm still not over him #nonviolent communication fanart #alondra answers

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wetcatspellcaster · 1 month

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hello! i have a question about finding time to write because i have an idea for an astarion fic but it's my first year in my ph.d. program and i am DROWNING IN WORK AND READINGS. how did you do this AND work on your dissertation? (also congrats on that!!! that's massive!!!)

hello, anon, congratulations to YOU on your phd programme!! many felicitations on the continuing of your education.

I took a while to reply to this, bc I'm not sure if I'm the best person to ask this question. my personal answer is 'hyperfixate on the dopamine source so, so hard until you burnout, and then feel guilty bc you haven't updated in ages (I'm currently one week since an update), and then let that guilt become your new motivator! :D'

...which doesn't seem very healthy. and definitely impacts my ability to answer the question in a way that is actually helpful.

so i don't have an answer, but my honest pieces of advice are below the cut.

idk what kinda PhD you are doing, but if it's a humanities, in my experience, there are dips and lulls. first year is always a bit hectic bc the imposter syndrome is high and you feel like you're treading water to stay afloat. but things will get so much easier, and will in fact go through peaks and troughs! in 2nd and 3rd year, i had months without any work at all. wait for a trough to do some drafting. if you're currently really struggling, then just sketch as detailed an outline as you can in a document when the idea is fresh, and then you can return to it in dribs and drabs when you have a spare moment. [if you're a scientist, apologies in advance, you have a much harder life than me!] .

this one isn't very burnout friendly, but i am introverted and treat writing fic like a hobby for when i have no social battery. then my fic battery runs out, i go be social. yes, this kinda just spreads the burnout around. yes, i also know writing is still work! but it doesn't feel like it, to me. so I guess make your fic idea as much about fun, and as least about work, as possible. make it into the catnip that will make you come back to it. treat it as an escape rather than another magnum opus, or god forbid, a second dissertation. .

this also applies to PhD work - again, if you are a humanities student, you'll inevitably hit a writing block in your thesis. these are normal, and though they feel like the worst thing at the time, they will inevitably shift. thesis writing block when i was often very productive with fic, bc my thesis wasn't taking up my brain power and/or taking time away from my thesis was exactly what i needed. If you're burned out on the thesis, maybe spend some time just playing around in your brain for a bit. my friend told me about how she used fic as a way to build 'mastery' - when she was depressed or feeling down about her thesis, she would do something she knew she was good at (fic), and this would lift her mood. in the self critical world of academia, sometimes a little fic positivity goes a long way (at least for me, but that's bc both my supervisors are very very harsh, the exact opposite of the AO3 comment box). .

find an update schedule that works for you. i used to write a whole fic before i published any of it, but that's become more untenable as my wordcounts get bigger and i need motivation. now, comments fuel me when i'm drafting. so honestly, if you think posting will add pressure, don't post. write it just for you. if you think posting is the only thing that will keep the idea alive, do it and then don't feel guilt if there's a large gap in updates. people will still read it when it eventually goes up! :)

Honestly, I don't really have an answer. I wrote a lot these last few months bc I was feeling very depressed with the endgame of my thesis, and writing distracted me and made me feel better. I try to keep two nights a week free for fic, but that works for me bc I'm an introvert who lives alone. I don't think you can force it, but what I can tell you is that the PhD does get much, much easier (and that first year is also a perfectly legit time to faff around a bit and commit some time theft if you want - at least in the humanities, bc you'll still have so much time in your project).

I'm sorry I don't have a clear answer! Fic is important to me, so I make time for it, sometimes to my own detriment. If your PhD is what is important to you rn, fic can wait! Similarly, if you want to take some time away from that treading water, maybe microdose an hour or so of fic to start building mastery :) xx

#asks #anons #academia tag #good luck with both your thesis and your fic idea anon!!

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moonchildreads · 4 months

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so last year my always wonderful and dearly beloved @duquesademiel tagged me in a game that said i had to list three things i was proud of in 2022, and i've been thinking about that a lot so here's three things i was proud of in 2023!

i started posting my fics here and on ao3! this was a big thing for me because it was the first time in my life i took my craft seriously and gave it the love and respect it deserves, and i've been really enjoying it! i feel like i know myself better as a writer and as a person, and i've been able to explore a lot of topics i was interested in through my writing and purge some demons in the process. (if you're curious about it, you can read all 147.3k words of my eddie munson fic here, i'm almost done with chapter 24 and will be updating soon!)

i made new friends! i'm a fairly shy person, even if i'm a friendly bunny (i'm still friends with the same group of people since i was six!!! that's over two decades of friendship!!!) so imagine my surprise when i found a new group of friends here that i talk to on a daily basis, that i get to share my life with, and that claim to??? love me??? is this real life??? so shoutout to my spice gorls, and thank you for making this year so much fun and full of love. and while we are at it, shoutout to my q&d besties who i got to hug and kiss and laugh with for a few days during the winter holidays. my heart is much bigger, fuller and healthier because i have you in my life. i'll tag you all below hehe

i grew as a person. still in therapy, just like last year, but i made a lot of progress! 2023 was one of the toughest years of my life, i lost my two grandmothers and it shook my foundations deeply because i am who i am mostly thanks to the women that have raised me, but even when faced with the utmost pain and grief i've ever experienced, i still consider 2023 as a year of growth and profound happiness. my grief may never leave me, but i've found out that i am strong enough to carry it, to let it mold me and, most importantly, to let it soften me. i feel like i love more wholeheartedly and unabashedly now, and i am aware of how finite life is and just how much i want to be here. 2022 bunny would be amazed at how much 2023 bunny wanted to keep living, and that's the thing i'm most proud of and that i'm carrying with me into the new year.

we made it, 2024. let's fucking go <3

tagging the people that made my year so much more worth living so they can share the things they're proud of too:

my dragons: @duquesademiel, my loveliest merryweather; @justahappycloud, my adorable flora; @gutterratt, my wonderful fauna; and @so-inlove-with-the-wrongworld, my literal soulmate. i love you all deeply, madly, truly, and i can't wait until we're reunited under the same roof singing miranda! songs like our lives depend on it again.

my spice gorls: @queenimmadolla, my showstopping vivi; @potatobeanpie, my bravest maisie; @oneforthemunny, my most chaotic evie; and @munsonology, my first ever friend on tumblr and my partner in only-child-related crimes. thank you for letting me talk my shit until your ears bleed and for making me laugh so much my tummy starts hurting. i hope i made you as happy as you made me this year.

#tag games #2023 recap #candy 🍬#solci 🌞#nari 🔮#bestie 💜#vivi 👑#maisie 💄#sav 🌰#evie 🌸#you all have tags now!

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yume-x-hanabi · 11 months

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So, bit of a life update because it's been... almost two months? since I last properly logged here (I had some stuff in the queue, but I think it ran out after a while, woops). Getting a bit personal, so the rest is under cut.

Honestly the main reasons are simply, I'm busy, and exhausted. Not a good combination lol

I haven't had proper relaxing time for me since at least a year and a half. Summer holidays are supposed to be the time when I can finally relax responsibility-free for a month and a half to get over usually hectic second semesters. Except last July my grandma had a fall, and while she's fine, long story short she's now in a nursing home and we spent the whole summer and lots of free time during the following months clearing her house (which was. a mess).

On top of that I'd bought an apartment (yay) in a building that's still under construction, and while that's great because it means I could customize it the way I want, it also meant spending a lot of time going here and there to choose floorings, furniture, and lots appointments (bank, notary...) etc etc. And now that it's in the final stage we're running into issues because the notaries aren't agreeing about some conditions, so the deed signing date recently had to be postponed, which'll leave me very little time to schedule the actual move (I have to be out of my current place by the end of the month). Super stressful. And also busy--spent nearly two days last week playing telephone game with the developer, the notary's office, the bank... and we still haven't solved the issue as of now orz

On top of that, this past school year has been super intense, I took on more admin responsibilities, which, while fun, consume a lot of time and focus, which put me behind on my regular class prep and grading, which just generally added to the mental load. Also I had to take lessons on Saturday mornings for my teaching certificate, which is also something that ate into my time and energy this year.

This all kinda came crashing down on me in early June when I just... kinda shut down for about two weeks. I had 4 super important tasks/projects to do, and for those two weeks I made progress on none of them. I just kinda froze, not knowing where to start, and my focus was allllll over the place, could not keep it on one thing for the life of me (there may or may not be suspicion of adhd at play, I'll have to look into it more and see someone about it, but... no time atm orz)

I managed to pull through in the end (well, one of the things is postponed to August so I have more time to do it thankfully), but I'm completely mentally exhausted. So yeah, I kinda gave up checking tumblr for a while, bc I just didn't have the mental capacity for that.

In happier news Missy is still as silly as ever, my niece is the cutest, I got a baby blahaj yesterday to go with my big one, Dreamcatcher's new mini-album is wonderful, and once everything is solved and I can move in it'll be awesome to live in my own place. Also I went to TwoSetViolin's world tour show in Berlin last week-end and it was awesome :D (might make a separate post about it later)

And now I need to start packing. Gonna be a busy month again 😅

#yume personal

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coffeeandcalligraphy · 9 months

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No Christ | BODY BACK Update #4

We're totally going to ignore the fact that it's been 4 months since I last posted a writing update for this book! :)

If you aren't aware, from February-June I drafted a litfic novella called BODY BACK and this is the penultimate update! Harrison has a Shrek moment, feels existentially directionless, imagines a future with Jeremiah--and more! Post under the cut.

Logline: When the effects of 24-Karat Harrison wear off, Harrison is left to mend his fractured relationship with Jeremiah.

Update 1 | Update 2 | Update 3

BODY BACK taglist (please ask to be added or removed :))

@thelivingdeceased @writinglittlebeasts @cuntylittlesalmon @obssesedwithscandaledits @jaydewritesfiction@onomatopiya @euphoniouspandemonium @silassghost @strangerays @rodentwrites @wildswrites @saltwaterbells @encrucijada @cilantrospirit @kiki-is-writing

Writing when life changes & the impacts of place on process

So WHYYY did it take so long for this update to come out? WELL, I wrote the chapter three (24-Karat Harrison) update THE DAY I moved from my university city, and while that went well, the act of changing setting seriously disturbed my writing process.

I'd gotten very used to creating BODY BACK in a very specific way in a very specific place/in certain locations and hadn't considered that a drastic shift in my literal setting could jilt the actual book--as if it too had undergone a major change.

Writing in May was like learning a new craft all over again, which was beyond disorienting. My anxiety was at an all-time high, and No Christ really took the brunt of that discomfort. But now that the book is long over, I'm ready to finish up the updates!

Repetition turns into theme...

Early in writing BODY BACK (chapter 2), I wrote the phrase "Harrison's no Christ," which I then unexpectedly repeated several times in 24kH which made me realize "No Christ" would make a great title.

But "no Christ" wasn’t JUST repetition—the act of repetition created a theme. I love when smaller line-level literary devices can lend to MUCH larger things!

What does it mean to reach a climax of personhood (so you feel like a god) the night before, only to feel godless the next day after the excitement is over? The idea of "no Christ" isn't just that Harrison has no god to follow. I DID want to capture that feeling of faithlessness--when the prayers stop working, when God seems nowhere to be found, but I also wanted to EMBODY "no Christ." How IS Harrison "no Christ" despite seeing himself that way in 24kH?

The plot

No Christ takes place just a few hours after the end of 24-Karat Harrison.

Scene A:

Harrison, who fell asleep in a church, is awoken by a priest.

Scene B:

After disrupting the church service, Harrison heads to the parking lot where he sees a man who looks like his ex, Lonan.

Scene C:

Exhausted from the night before and shaken from the parking lot, Harrison returns to Jeremiah's apartment where he rejects Jeremiah's concern.

Scene D:

Harrison showers the remainders of 24-karat Harrison off, but feels crushed and directionless without the persona. Jeremiah attempts to comfort him.

Scene E:

To help Harrison's hangover, Jeremiah takes him to the restaurant his friend Biyu works at, but her bad impression of Harrison puts him in an awkward position.

Scene F:

Harrison and Jeremiah head to the Greta Arquette, the hotel Jeremiah works at, in a rush of connection.

Excerpts

CW: Mature content ahead. Implications of sex and suicidal ideation. Descriptions of violence.

The opening lines (WHICH apparently tiktok liked):

Harrison wakes to God’s eyes. Dim in this light like a rusted goblet of wine or blood or whatever the fuck. Sad, he thinks. Lusting. Violent in brass.

That leads into a really *sudden* and *intense* recollection of the night previous when Harrison encounters a man named Perry (a friend of Jeremiah's). It's very SUDDEN and very INTENSE lol so here's just a little bit:

They kissed to the sound of someone crying, touched each other the way he imagined Lucifer and Judas might. God’s most hated sons united in exile.

More Harrison and Perry (CW: violence)

As saliva snailed Harrison’s cheeks, he stared at the bathroom ceiling for a hand to reach for him, for a grave to appear. With Perry, he was the runoff, the ashes, the scraps of diary entries dashed into a wastebin. And this was all good, the spit, his desire to be both saved and dead, because it was motivation to knock a fist into Perry’s jaw so he clattered to the floor. He wasn’t the leftovers. The bronze medal. No one could make him feel that way again.

Harrison observes churchgoers:

His jaw overhangs the pew in front of him, a line of drool bisecting the wood. People scoot past him to take their seats—not just people, but believers, all cleanly pressed and ready for god. They’re wearing wingtips buffed with mink oil and Mary Janes heavy enough to bludgeon someone to death.

Harrison becomes interested in the choir when he sees a cute guy (REALLL):

A choir sets up by the frontmost row, unwinding cables, tuning guitars. One woman adjusts her eggplant vest while another fixes her own curl with spit. A married couple flits through sheet music and discuss their kid’s birthday party—little Timothy, little Michael, little James, or whatever generic name. A man with sparkly eyes and a faint scar from a lip piercing smiles at him from the piano. “What are they doing over there?” Harrison asks. The priest bristles. “Who?” “Those people. They’re a choir? I can sing.”

Cont'd - shrek moment/sir this is a place of worship:

He’s aware he’s being loud. He doesn’t need the stares as confirmation. What the fuck does anyone have to stare at anyway? Sure he’s a man with smeared silver eye makeup and mascara tears and a fur coat and another man’s chandelier earring and a cow-print cowboy hat, and what’s this too now, a pair of studded DKNY sunglasses that most certainly aren’t his—but what right do they have? He doesn’t waste his time with gods. He doesn’t need someone to save him at all. And here all these beady people are, their synthetic chiffon dresses like wannabe Charlotte’s webs, their bowties near strangling. They’ve woken up at dawn to do what? Beg a man who won’t listen to them? He’s been there, fucking done that. “Do any of you want pitchforks?” Harrison’s voice booms across the nave, his cheeks flaring.

We find out Harrison stole Perry's moped:

The priest jumps back as he rises, shaking out his sleeves. The movement sends a slim pair of keys flying toward the floor, but not just any keys. The image is as fleeting as a View Master’s neon shuffle, Harrison sweaty and rumpled on the bathroom floor, his head spinning like a taut thread around a spindle. In the velvet night, he hustled toward the club’s parking lot, not thinking about the man he’d abandoned in the stall, not thinking about the man he’d come here with. Something crushed under his boot—baby pink rose petals against the rain-dark pavement, Hansel’s pebbles that drew him forward and when his eyes landed on a teal moped parked in the lot’s north end, his focus was only on how good wind would feel through his too-long hair.

Harrison considers choir man’s potential life:

Harrison leaves when the choir’s mid Holy, Holy, Holy. He only stayed that long, skulking around the backmost pews, to stare at the way choir man’s Adam’s apple bobbed. He imagined kissing that spot. If it tasted like bergamot. If it tasted like eucharist. Maybe that man had a lover waiting at home for him who knew—a coppery chem student who’d kiss him wildly between whispered verses of Revelations, their penance to each other in evenings just as dozy as it was holy.

Harrison wonders what happened to Jeremiah after he left him at the club:

Where is Jeremiah now? Perhaps he found a ride back to his apartment complex with a man he invited inside, someone with tawny hair, jetty eyes. Harrison knows his place in Jeremiah’s life, in Jeremiah’s bed, but what’s he like alone? Perhaps he and the man touched gracefully like swans, recited Whitman on the carpet, shared a bunch of green grapes, talked about prophets, prayed the rosary.

Harrison notices a man who he thinks is Lonan (HE IS NOT):

In a past life, that lack of noticing would’ve been impossible, a fatal wound. But there he is, barely aware of the oil-dark hair—just a flash in the corner of his eye—rounding the parking lot. It’s that fast. His head snaps up and then he’s seeing him, his narrow body, his darting walk, his subtle clefted waves. He doesn’t need to check for the eyes, unmarred like the sky, because he’s running now, hat clattering off his forehead, held narrowly against his neck by the stampede strings. The man walks past a silver Acura—he’s a member of the congregation. Of course. But not just any member. This is where he’s been. On lonely midnights, Harrison’s wondered against all his admittance where he’s been in this city—if they’ve touched the same pavement, if they’ve cried at the same intersections. He’s dreamt about him, he’ll admit now, yearned for his hands again, their bony blueness, their abundant warmth. They’re dancing again in a cramped bathroom, in need of no other music but the other’s heartbeat. They’re blinking into cameraflash, silent as a Polaroid prints, holding each other the way the ocean holds itself. As Harrison runs, his face splits into a grin—relief, of course, because he’s hungry for that touch again, terrifying, careful, and here he is, approaching a car—a car, he’s driving—wearing a blue corduroy jacket, reaching for his keys, he’s leaving, he’s going to leave— Harrison yanks the man’s shoulders, his mouth formed so confidently around the name Lonan that he chokes the moment he sees the face.

Aaaand, how to get punched really fast by a stranger who has no idea why you're running up to him (CW: graphic violence):

When Harrison says nothing, too focused on the necklace, too focused on who isn’t standing in front of him, a fist clips his mouth and splits his lip right open. Blood starbursts the air, spats against the car’s windshield, his jaw cranking toward the sky, but he doesn’t notice the crows above or the flossy clouds because it’s August in the cabin again and there are Lonan’s knuckles connecting with his nose, an accident on purpose, his blood mirrored in that bathroom, and there are Perry’s callused hands, sharp with hangnails, steeled with rings, and Harrison might’ve been choked last night, might’ve wanted that, doesn’t want to remember at all. God makes men in his image, and those men know violence like an oath, a birthright.

Jeremiah questions Harrison about stealing Perry's moped:

Harrison adjusts the cowboy hat over his eyes. Segments of light shift through a hole in the crease. “I didn’t steal anything.” “So what were you doing with it?” “Borrowing it.” “Like my ring?” Harrison sits up, removes the hat from his eyes. The room re-saturates like a kitchen sponge in sudsy water and there’s Jeremiah. Clear-skinned, bright-eyed Jeremiah. He doesn’t look like a man who shared a joint with Harrison last night, who drank just as many cocktails on that dance floor and perhaps even more. He’s changed into a pair of ironed jeans and a white cotton button-up he hasn’t done up all the way. A gold herringbone necklace glints off his throat. Harrison sets the hat onto the chair arm. The moment it knocks against the fabric, he feels the urge to put it back on. “You said you weren’t upset about the ring.” Jeremiah opens his mouth. What’s he going to say? Fuck you. He could say that. He should. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. Or, Who the fuck do you think you are? Who the fuck do you think you are? Instead, he clasps his hands in front of him. “Perry’s not happy with you.” Harrison reaches into his pocket and yanks out the moped’s keys which are attached to a teal surfboard keychain. As he rises from the chair, he tosses the set with a clang and Jeremiah barely catches them. “He wasn’t happy about a lot of things.” “Where are you going?” Harrison rubs his eyes. In the momentary flashes of dark, he sees the face of the man from the parking lot. He can’t fight his own flinch. His lip throbs. He’d been so sure of himself. “To sleep.” “Perry says you tried to kill him.” Harrison laughs. “Good.” “Not good.” Jeremiah steps toward him. He smells of vanilla. Greek yogurt.

Harrison adventures in wanting to befriend animals pt. 2:

Maybe he’ll head out now. Walk west for forty minutes, find some water to touch, some better air to breathe. Jeremiah’s not all that far from Red Rock Canyon. He could lie in a field of larkspur, befriend a kit fox.

Harrison deflects emotional responsibility by asking about towels??:

Jeremiah sighs, crossing his arms. He must’ve washed his hair this morning too—it’s still damp at the roots and smells vaguely of roses. He deserves someone who’ll hold him on Thursday nights, who’ll watch reruns of Futurama with him on a blow-up mattress, pray for him in April and actually mean it. When he looks up, his eyes are rimmed clearish red—the same colour of a ruby. “Last night—you disappeared. I was worried.” Harrison looks away. Jeremiah’s tidied—no board game pieces scattered on the table, all the ashtrays cleaned out. The first time Harrison entered this apartment, he was overcome by its intricacy—the disco ball hung from the ceiling, the ivy clustered in beer bottles along the windowsill. Everything that makes Jeremiah’s space his. And he’s worried him in all this time. What must that be like? To make someone fear for you? “Where do you keep the extra towels?” Harrison asks and Jeremiah nearly deflates.

Jeremiah is concerned!!!

When Harrison opens his mouth, Jeremiah approaches him, takes his face so gently he winces. His hand is slippery with cocoa butter, breaths heavy, brows low. Harrison knows what this means. Concern. Maybe he’s afraid, too. But it doesn’t matter. It shouldn’t at all. One man’s worry is not his problem. Why would he care? Why would he? “What happened to you?” Jeremiah whispers. Perhaps he arrived home alone last night, stayed up till 5:00AM with his eyes staked by toothpicks. Perhaps this weekend is the worst thing that’s happened to him in a long time. If Harrison were someone else, he’d tell Jeremiah to run. Don’t waste time with shoes. Just throw open the front door and sprint barefoot into the neon street. Keep going until everything is a blur, until everything is the clearest it’s been in weeks. The farther away he gets, the better for him. He could learn how to crochet mug cozies. Buy himself a tomato plant. Spend his mornings in a sunny kitchen with a man who actually loves him.

Harrison has an existential crisis after a shower (CW: description of a bruise):

He glances at himself in the mirror, his shoulders hunched forward, hair veering into his eyes. A purple bruise rings his throat like a necklace of lavender pearls. The last time he’d looked at his reflection in this mirror, he’d found something hidden behind his face, gripped it, then tugged it right out with a tube of mascara and a ring finger loaded with silver eyeshadow. That’s all gone. He’s just a man now. Not naked like Michelangelo’s David, but naked like a stranger.

Jeremiah checks up on Harrison:

He imagines Jeremiah now. Leaning half his body weight against the door, his unbuttoned shirt parting with the movement. Perry’s already picked up the moped from outside. Jeremiah probably lied and said Harrison wasn’t there. In the wind, he might’ve said. Gone North to Missoula. Or maybe, Joined a travelling circus. Or, Took a red-eye to Florence. Or, I don’t care as long as he never comes back. All would’ve been suitable excuses because Jeremiah’s a good guy. A good friend. “I wanted to…” says Harrison, his chest rattling with an inhale. I wanted to: apologize. I wanted to: kiss you. I wanted to: say a prayer into your mouth. I wanted to: find you at sunset and link pinkies in dying grass and read screenplays from the 90s with your head on my chest and thank you like a real man should in the evenings and listen to your breaths when you fell asleep. I wanted to be alive. I wanted you there with me. The sound of Jeremiah shifting. What had he planned to do this September—before Harrison turned up at his apartment? On their first night reunited, they’d sipped mimosas while swapping Jeremiah’s Blackberry back and forth to play Brick Breaker, watched Psycho and only kissed at the ending credits. Jeremiah hadn’t even questioned why Harrison had turned up because he’s a good guy. A good friend. He knows Harrison could eat cinnamon on anything, that he’d gargle with black coffee if he could, that cymbals make his teeth ache, that he can’t tolerate the smell of chocolate anymore. Good guy. Good friend. In another life, they could’ve grown up together, played road hockey in humid Junes, shared a half-and-half ice cream cone, fallen for each other delicately. In another life, Harrison would’ve told Jeremiah he loved him and meant it.

At the restaurant, Jeremiah talks about his future (but does it include Harrison?):

It’s going to rain tomorrow, at least according to the mounted bubble TV on the restaurant’s far north side. Its grainy picture is suddenly the most pressing thing in this establishment—a headline about a collision on the I-80, an update on Katrina, a mass power outage in LA. Behind the screen is a window that leads to the kitchen, and Biyu’s face flashes through it every few minutes. He hasn’t even thought of calling Reeve since the last time he’d been in this restaurant, but he could now—find her in the Yellow Pages, invite her to dinner with him and Suz. Would she like that? Perhaps she’s the same woman who’d sat with him that sunny morning in Oregon, her legs stretched out in front of his and Lonan’s tent. There was something both blunt and guarded about her then. She wasn’t a woman, not a sister, not a friend, but a threat. “I’m thinking of heading east in the winter. Maryland. My grandma turns eighty.” Harrison turns to Jeremiah abruptly, his throat dry. “What?” “For a couple months, maybe. Might meet Rory in Hanoi in the spring. He’s thinking of staying there through the new year.” “What about Greta?” Harrison asks when the real question he should be asking is what about me? It takes him a moment to even register he’s gaping. “I’ll find something else to do. Dog-walking. Printmaking. I’m thinking of getting certified in hypnotherapy.”

After Biyu asks Harrison to pay for the bill and Jeremiah ends up footing it, he describes the atmosphere:

The air feels denser now, unstable like Jell-O. The last time he and Jeremiah were here, their relationship was gauzy, a fumbling newborn. But now something’s clotted. They’re unready again, so used to the other’s face they’ve become estranged.

Embarrassed, Harrison can't focus until Jeremiah makes (A VERY SWEET) deal (CW: suicidal ideation):

Harrison’s ears ring. He looks to the window like it’s an out when in reality, all that’s out there are a couple fir trees and a main road. An eighteen-wheeler whizzes by every few minutes. As Jeremiah talks about a paper he needs to turn in on Tuesday, Harrison imagines what those drivers are doing, thinking. One making plans to shoot darts at a dive bar with his brother, another answering a call from his wife to bring home a stick of butter, someone else considering flooring the pedal, letting go of the wheel. “You could come with me, you know.” Harrison looks up and finds Jeremiah’s eyes honeyed in a strand of sun. The realization is obvious: he’s an ember of a man—an effervescent, sacred light. “Come with you?” “Maryland. Hanoi. Dogwalking. Wherever we want to go.”

Harrison's response to the offer falls flat (this is kind of messy lol):

Harrison looks to his hands. He took off Jeremiah’s signet ring before his shower and forgot it on the bathroom sink. It looks like he’s returned it, when in reality, he hasn’t meant to. And then a touch at his hand and Harrison’s back in the dense Oregon woods, another man trailing a pinkie down each of his vertebrae like they were the keys of a flute, joining their fate lines as the sun sets, holding his face kindlier than he did a cigarette, his eyes coined by the moon. The contact is so unviolent, yet the moment Harrison winces, Jeremiah immediately pulls away, drops his hand to the booth’s seat. Harrison shakes. He can’t look at Jeremiah again, is afraid any more understanding will rive him right here. He’d become more of a nuisance than he already is if that were the case—blood on the ground, on the wall’s tiger. “I think I have a headache.” Jeremiah exhales but grabs his wallet. From a zippered pocket, he pulls out a Tylenol. “You need to eat something,” he says, waving over Biyu before Harrison can tell him not to, can tell him to please use this as an out, to please grab his things and beeline to the door and hitch a ride to somewhere gentler than Las Vegas, to someone more reliable. Jeremiah, just go, he could say. Jeremiah, it’s not too late for you. Jeremiah, adopt a dog who’ll love you. Jeremiah, change your locks. Jeremiah, learn how to refinish a deck this summer. Jeremiah, pick honeysuckle by the fistfuls. Jeremiah, laugh because it’s over. Jeremiah, never cry again. Jeremiah, the earth is vast. Jeremiah, there is still so much time to run.

I'M YOURS:

In a few months, Jeremiah won’t be the same person he is today. Whether he ends up out east or in an art class painting alla prima, he’ll change. He’ll make new friends in Baltimore, dance with them in Fell’s Point, photograph tree swallows together at Herring Run, kiss one of them in the state fair’s scorching sun. And that will be good for him. Harrison’s no Christ, no God. He’ll never be omnipotent. Yet, he is certain of this. “Jeremiah?” he interrupts. One day, Jeremiah will drive a silver birch Cadillac alone, inhale for three seconds as the wind rustles his hair. He’ll keep on that road for hours, count the red SUVs on the way, stop for lunch at a taco stand, buy tarry hot coffees from every gas station he passes. He’ll be an even better man. And Harrison? In a year, he could apprentice for a sculptor, make minimum wage flipping burgers on the weekends, memorize the Dewey Decimal System for fun. Maybe he’ll be like Rory, backpack somewhere no one knows him, somewhere with mountain ranges he doesn’t recognize, somewhere with suburbs and lawns, somewhere no one can find him ever again. But he’s here now, Jeremiah looking at him like he’s simultaneously a glass mid-fall and a glass worth piecing back together with school glue and some patience. Jeremiah, look at me a little longer, he could say. Jeremiah, I can’t remember the sound of my own name. Jeremiah, you’re birdsong in the winter, the first glimpse of sunrise. Jeremiah, I’m so sorry. Jeremiah, you’re young enough to forget all of this soon. Jeremiah, be tender while you can. Jeremiah, please go gently. Jeremiah— “I’m yours.”

HAREMIAH ROMANCE FUN (and what would a future with Jeremiah look like?):

Jeremiah’s got a key to Greta—room 118 to be exact. In the dim fizz of a tungsten sconce, he leads Harrison through the doorway and kisses him as soon as the door clicks behind him, urgent and careful at the same time. Harrison catches himself on the wall, right next to an oil painting of a wide prairie. He wraps his arms around Jeremiah’s neck, winds one of his curls around his pinkie, pulls him so close their pelvises touch. Don’t let go of me, he could say as Jeremiah thumbs his eyebrows, bows for another kiss. Don’t let go of me. They don’t go slow nor fast, but a pace tempered like drizzling honey. It isn’t even really about touching. As Harrison mentally connects the umber flecks of Jeremiah’s eyes like they’re constellations, he imagines a future where he follows him to Maryland. He could take the first leg of the trip, tune the radio to throwbacks, belt Bon Jovi’s Livin’ on a Prayer in a Burger King drive-thru just to make Jeremiah laugh. They could rest at a motel similar to Greta—the same stuffy wallpaper, the same berber carpet. Surprise each other the next morning with bagels from the bakery a block away. Go crabbing at Point Lookout on their first weekend in the state. Pose next to each other with their catch for a photo snapped by a stranger. Jeremiah might even invite him to his grandmother’s birthday party, introduce him to an aunt as his boyfriend. They’d link arms the entire night, feed each other spoons of sherry trifle. Harrison could bond with a cousin over their shared interests in bushcraft forts and Neo-Dada art. Jeremiah’s mother would invite them berry picking the next weekend, serve blueberry buckle after Sunday mass, everyone still suited and skirted around the kitchen table. Harrison could cameo in their Christmas card photo. Spend Labour Day weekend at a lakeside cottage. Grill chicken thighs with Jeremiah’s father. Play Marco Polo with his younger brother. It’d all feel like an airy vacation.

And a tiny more romance lol:

Jeremiah leans into Harrison’s chest, brushes his mouth against his ear, down his neck. He touches the way pearls shine—with subtle panache. His lips are tangy with soy sauce, tart with cherry Chapstick, and he’s easy to move into like a current eclipsing itself.

Aaand the end of the chapter! THE DRAMA:

Jeremiah, he could say, the earth keeps turning without me. Jeremiah, which city do you think of as home? Jeremiah, I’m dying of a wound I can’t find. Jeremiah, I love you. Harrison’s head no longer hurts. He glances at the bed ahead of them, the duvet untainted, the throw pillows chopped, then back to Jeremiah. He grips his shoulder so tightly his hand aches. He’ll be needed right now—loved right now. He’ll touch because he needs to. He’ll pray for forgiveness someday. “Don’t let go,” he whispers.

And that's a wrap on No Christ! It was so fun to revisit this chapter now that I'm not... unwell, LOL. I hope you enjoyed this update and stay tuned for the FINAL one (which I meant to include here BUT THIS POST WAS SOOOO LONG)

ily if you made it this far okay bye!

Rachel

#writeblr #writing #amwriting #writerblr #writingupdates #OOOH BODY BACK is BACK lol #just for a little I want to get these up before I write the next one for hallowed bodies!!!#chapter 5 coming soon!!!!#also there's more of this chapter I didn't share floating around on the blog but this post was SOOO LONG LOL

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yxstxrdrxxm · 3 months

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AND THATS A WRAP !

Hello, hello! It's me, the local dumbass that went "lol lets run this silly event" since January. I'd like to say thank you so much for participating!

I never thought that so many would look @ my blog event and go ":D lets go get matched w/ yans!" LIKE?? HELP WE GOT A LOT OF SUBMISSIONS SINCE DAY 1, IT MADE ME GO "oh shit" BAHAHAHAHA

But fr, I want to say thank you so much. To those who came in to join the matchup, to those who participated as anons to the story that was unfolding, and to those that were theorizing and even lurking:

Thank you so much for giving me a chance. You guys have no idea how much it means to me to celebrate this milestone with all of you.

I would love to mention everyone of y'all that joined to leave my special thanks, but this post will be lengthy if I did that and I... Am NOT about to make it too sappy LMAOOOO

Now! On the update + future plans:

The rest of the fics will be posted but slowly and will be saved as special dlc fics of One Last Call. This covers additional lore of the worldbuilding behind OLC, but there are some that won't be written (Freminet and Aether are unfortunately those I can't write as yanderes) to lessen the load. Also, some will be shorter/snippet wise, but we shall see.

I will be making a "story explained" post for OLC and the characters behind it. This goes into the possible "what ifs", the original draft of the story (storyboard lol), what each character would've been in my plans, and everything in between! (Also, there may or may not be drawn sketches for each of them. Maybe kek).

The next event will be happening on March. I won't elaborate what it'll be, but it will be indulgent and maybe a little funny (for me). It'll also last for a week at most so I don't end up burning myself out LMAOO

Finally, I will be hosting small event for Cupid, Eros, and Boss. They won't be big, but they will have their spots when I planned out what'll happen to them. (Hint: you guys are going to see them often on your feed if you know where to look ;>)

For now though, I will be finishing up the drabbles and pray I get them queued to finally archive this event. Also, I will be responding to asks + cleaning up my inbox again when I'm done :)

Once again, thank you everyone. I genuinely thought that running One Last Call will not work out back then (I told a few friends I was scared that it won't take off as it did), but I pushed through it anyway since I thought it'd be fun anyway. And to see everyone enjoy it is the best feeling I've had since opening this blog.

I hope all of you enjoy chilling as I try to write + post the drabbles for OLC before concluding its tale... And hopefully writer's block does not slam its gavel on my ass BAHAHAHAHAHA

#💌 ;; messenger writes #💌 ;; promising letter: one last call #💌 ;; to: my patrons #;; but fr im so happy everyone joined and #;; well #;; gave me a chance as a whole #;; i never thought olc would take off at ALL and it'd flop like the past events i ran on different blogs #;; and since ive hit 100 followers i wanted to make it special #;; so to see everyone enjoyed it even when... things happened #;; i am so. so happy.#;; genuinely overjoyed to see this work out the best it can.#;; y'all made me cry tears of joy ill be fr here BAHAHAHAHA SORRY IM SO SAPPY #;; BUT FR IM SO HAPPY #;; anyways ill shut up now #;; thank you. again. thank you so much for giving my silly event and me a chance to share my story.#;; im so happy you all enjoyed it to the point that y'all gave it support and the best ending i can offer.#;; and i hope that the next ones I'll be hosting will be fun for everyone to join in hehe

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darker-overlord · 1 year

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whoa, she launched!

happy launch day, kayo! she's my little pookie i love her so much that i bully her constantly through the narrative

in honor of today, i'll be dumping some REALLY old doodles (really old = two-three months ago) when i started working on her! unlike most of my dumps, i'll be describing and giving more context to the drawings! think of it as a little timeline of her development :D

*the oc blog is @lilies-and-forget-me-nots .. i forgor

drawing 1: our earliest kayo?!

this was dated january 17 2023. yeah. 2023. this year.

geez, was that really my art style just three months ago?

yes, unfortunately. though i'll attribute the fact that kayo looks 12 here mostly to the fact that i was still getting used to using an ipad to draw--still, you can really see that i had her design 90% down from the start. just changed her parting a little and removed the flower accessory + little ombre(?) in her hair.

at first, she was going to be a LOT closer to yui, but then if she was, she would've intervened as early as more blood, which was not something i was aiming for. plus, isn't it more fun thinking that she barely knows her (and yet pulls the stunt of taking her place for her sake... what a loser)

also, at first, she was going to just be straight up meaner for no reason. like literally just the worst person you can think of, but a problem with that is that she would definitely get killed if she was just horrible and toxic. plus, that was kind of boring on my end as well, so she kind of turned into a meowmeow.

adding to the old concept though, all her endings were supposed to be bad endings! then i scrapped that really quickly when i changed her personality...

drawing 2: our earliest hunter!

same day as the first drawing... yeouch.

as you can see, her hair was supposed to be a lot neater--and flatter--as a hunter. the cross clip is a lot smaller, and her palette was all over the place. like come on, why is her coat pink??

speaking of which, i changed hunter kayo to being a little messier than her old version because of a change in personality. this proto-hunter kayo still feels emotions very well. in fact, even more intensely than bride kayo. she's constantly angry--for what she went through as a young girl, for losing her eye--just a lot of things.

kind of funny that her personality pulled a 180 lawl

drawing 3: early outfit dump

i made the file for this drawing on january 19, but i believe i updated it as late as early march.

as you can see, it's really just outfit concepts. most of them are the same as the current outfit concept art--thanks to, well, me updating this file until march. you might be familiar with the three on the right, and the lost eden + dark fate outfit is practically the same as the one i posted. the hdb/mb outfit changed the most out of those three: i suctioned it to kayo's body to emphasize her figure more lol (i am the biggest kayo simp in the end)

as for the first two, you can see they were labelled for chaos lineage and lunatic parade! the chaos lineage outfit is probably already like 90% down for me, but the lunatic parade one is peculiar because, well, i scrapped it entirely. it's a cute outfit, for sure, but i didn't think it was kayo's style in the end. perhaps it might get the same hdb/mb outfit treatment and get tweaked to match her better, but i think her current lunatic parade design is solid!

drawing 4: early cg concepts

this was dated feb 25!

honestly, this is still really good, and i'm still planning on adding this scenario to laito's route. it's just that, once again, kayo is suffering from the bug-eyed twelve year old syndrome i was going through since january. plus i was (still am) bad at drawing men, so laito kind of came out looking like a really strange looking lady lol. it's so embarrassing i even had to crop it out.

drawing(s) 5: whoa sailor outfits?!

i actually drew this just two weeks after the last one--march 10th! you can clearly see my art style shifting at this point; i'm starting to think it's the switch from sketching with a soft brush to a hard brush.

this was, if you didn't already guess, in honor of the aquamarine series! of course, there are two: one for the hunter and one for the bride!

i have this running theme of "what would reiji (biggest discreet pervert) make bride kayo wear?" and that man loves his kayo legs, so naturally she had to wear thigh highs and an awkwardly short skirt. at least hunter kayo got away with just a crop top.

you can see something hanging on the hunter's waist--it's actually a demon hunting relic!

drawing 6: hunter kayo in ryotei au cgs?!

very recent drawing--dated march 29!

now, hunter kayo actually doesn't attend ryotei at any point of the series. it just so happens that i thought she'd look really hot in the uniform, and ta-da--i made an au! being an au, it's not canon, but i like to think she has a small route with shuu that doesn't really end well as you'd expect.

still, the sight of her kissing him as he bites on her knife is very very cool. keep up the good work hunter!

drawing 7: late highschool kayo!

the final doodle--dated less than a week ago!

this is really just kayo in high school after seiji's treatment of her started getting to her properly. i wonder what she's praying and why...

BONUS 1: CATGIRL KAYO!!

i was in the middle of making this post when a certain catboy-baiter (@poohwhin side eyes...) posted................

i love humans with animal features (i.e. not humanoid animals aka what you'd typically think of when you think of furries...) and genshin already devastated me with not only keqing but DEHYA being fake catgirls, so to recover emotionally i naturally made kayo a catgirl. ougggg she's so cute

BONUS 2: a kayoyui route?!

Yes. and it's finished. i just have to make the cgs and post it.

i mostly made it as a kind of exercise in making routes, since, well, i have to start making a lot. it only has five individual scenarios in the dark, manic, and ecstasy section, but it still has a prologue and epilogue. there are also only two endings!

it also serves to delve a bit more into the hunter's character, since bride kayo is the main focus of the blog. let's give her a little love, yknow!! even if she can't give any back...

#VERY long post

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niuniente · 7 months

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Hi again Niu, it's the wee baby beginner tarot reader anon. I wanted to pop in to tell you I saw your thank you post, so your message definitely reached me :3

I'm so happy to hear that the reading was helpful! That was actually the first reading I've ever done for someone else. I saw your original post asking for a reading, I happened to have some free time and my deck was right there, so I thought maybe I could at least try and see what came out. I wasn't expecting much since I haven't been reading very long and I still feel like I'm a newbie a lot of the time, (I'm actually the same anon who asked you about alternate interpretations for the 5 of wands back in July when it kept coming out in readings I was doing for myself,) but I figured I should try because it would at least be good practice doing a reading on a different subject than I usually read about for myself.

I certainly wasn't expecting to hear that it was so accurate! That genuinely shocked me in the best way. I had a huge smile on my face all yesterday afternoon after I saw your post. I've mostly just been doing card a day draws every day for myself to learn the energy of each card across the different decks I have, and bigger spreads when I have a bit more time. But its been hard to objectively tell if I'm getting better at reading the cards when my only feedback so far has been going back through my tarot journal to check how accurate the readings I did for myself weeks or months ago turned out to be.

I have a history of struggling really hard with learning new skills and not getting any better at them even when I'm practising and practising consistently for long periods of time. I assumed it'd be the same with learning tarot and so I haven't had enough confidence as a reader to even offer to do readings for anyone I know irl. But something about your post made me really want to try and help if I could.

So I think Spirit was being a bit cheeky with the both of us and tossing us at each other when we both needed it. Because your message made me so happy and gave me the confirmation I didn't know that I needed that tarot is something I should keep going with and that I am actually getting better at it as I practice and maybe I shouldn't second-guess myself so much.

(Also, I wish you all the luck with your future spouse if that was him showing up as the chariot driver. That is such a cool bit of feedback to find out about that I really feel like I was picking up on without knowing specifically what it was!)

I am SO HAPPY to read this message of yours, and love that you've kept me updated like this about your tarot (and divination) journey <3

The Spirit definitely was a bit cheeky, but the Universe does have a great sense of humor :D

I'm super glad to also see that based on my last tip - see what's the image on the card and how is it - was so helpful to you that you were able to interpret the reading you did to me by underlining what you saw on the cards, and what they meant to you regarding my situation. And you caught up with that skill so quick!

Give yourself A BIG HUG! I will send you a spiritual hug; may it appear to you as a form of a sudden gift or good luck :3

#positive #tarot #ask niu

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sunnebeam · 2 months

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hello!!!!!! [screams into the void]

re: beautiful comments under my stories

over the course of 7 ish months (has it really been half a year? no fucking way) since i last properly wrote and posted in real time, i received a lot of heartwarming feedback and comments on my stories. thank you so much i'm so grateful for the support <3 i hope to respond when i finally find the time so don't be too surprised when u receive a notif from me about a comment u probably made several months ago lmao

re: life update

i'm so sorry for the inactivity but after days and weeks that turned into months of searching i finally started a new job yall! god i could cry but anyw i've just been settling in and reestablishing a routine & now i think i've found one that works for me and my schedule

which leads me to re: blog updates/goals

i've been neglecting this blog and my stories and i hate it, but now that things are looking up for me irl im hoping to get back into the groove of things here on tumblr

which is why i want to get back into business! i have a bunch of new stories that i'm really excited about but ofc i want to update my older stories as well, so here's a rough outline of my to do list:

older stories:

this is how the world works - darkest little paradise cont.

perks of being a househusband - drabbles

twin flame bruise pt. 04

new stories:

song of the stars - myg

"slut!" - ksj

our forever spring - jjk

my inspiration fluctuates a lot so content (both new and new-ish) will be sporadic and as always, there's no fixed schedule to my updates. my interest fluctuates a lot too so i might focus more on newer plot ideas and take a long time to update my older stories, or vice versa

long tangent to say that; i'm back, i've been meaning to write again, and i want to post more. i have new stories that i want to write but i plan to update older stories as well. when, exactly? whenever my schedule, my inspiration, and my mood dictates :D

now that that's out of the way, how are u guys? what did i miss? anything interesting happen in the past months? how's life going for you? :')

#i missed nerd-ing it out here on tumblr #also #new layout/theme :'))))#finally #cat.txt

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liminalkandlez · 1 year

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well, hello!

wanted to make an actual personal blog since what was supposed to be my one and only blog didn't feel all that personal to me, so here we are. introduction and the like under the cut!

[NOTE: WE'RE REDOING OUR PINNED EVENTUALLY]

(hi i'm sneaking this in here hoping no one notices erm we are a system. this is the host. a while ago we made the collective decision not to be too open about it unless we're comfortable with people but like. fuck it this is LITERALLY our personal blog. can't wait to get yelled at by my headmates 😁... uh. might make a section for system stuff eventually if i don't get yelled at LOL) (update yeah we're gonna make smthin seperate and link it here instead of this thing... we would make a carrd but!!! how the fuck do we work those. what)

hiii (this is the host still), i go by like, a ton of names, and i don't feel like listing every single one, but the most preferred ones right now are rex, kel or mack! i use they/he pronouns plus a lot of neos that i might actually list at another time.

i draw and write like, a ton, so expect some of that if i remember to post (unlikely)! i roleplay a lot too, and i'd love to find more roleplay partners!!! if you spot any fandoms that we have in common, since i primarily do fandom roleplay, you can message me!!!

also, do note that we are bodily 16.

current fixations of ours are OMORI, Incredibox, Rain World, Warrior Cats, Wii Deleted You, and Project Moon Games.

current project(s): Tragibox Retake (over 100k... CLAWING AT THE WALLS) , Evadare AU, Fungibox, Liminalbox... a lot more things. help.

oh also, these are important since these are our tags for this blog, so they're getting put here. hooray

🌟: constellations_chatter -> general posts.

🌟: moonlight_friends -> chats with moots or anons that'd came around a couple times already.

🌟: starfall_vent -> general vents. yeah. i don't think i need to say much more.

🌟: sun_love -> comfort character stuff.

🌟: bleedingmoon_trigger -> any post with general triggers. said general triggers are mentioned in the second to last section.

🌟: liminal_art -> any art...

most of our writing and art rules are on my other blog, which will also be linked here instead of rules... we don't intend on logging back into that account for a while so uh!!!! please don't send requests over there!!! ignore the fandom list on there too it's probably like severely outdated

hosts sources;

(under construction...)

Evelin (The Mandela Catalogue)

Bandu (Dave & Bambi)

Susie (Deltarune)

Skyblue (Skyverse)

Kel (OMORI)

Dante (Project Moon Games)

Angelica (Project Moon Games)

Rui (Project Sekai)

Cinderpelt/Cinderheart (Warrior Cats)

Teruko (DRDT)

Mack (Incredibox Tragibox)

and finally, a DNI list. because we kind of need one of those.

DNI;

Proship/Comship/etc, get the fuck out. as someone who had experienced abuse and all, seeing the romanticization of it is fucking disgusting to us.

Zoophiles. Out. You are not apart of the LGBTQ+ community and never will be.

If you intend to make fun of Selfshipping or fakeclaim. tbf, we don't care!!!! speak your shit i guess!!!! if you want to talk to a wall, then be my guest

anything triggering will be tagged. although we will only be tagging the general sensitive topics, like; blood/gore, yandere/obsessive, vent/vent fic, s/h, etc ; although if you want a particular thing tagged, tell us what that thing is and tell me what name you want used so we can make a tag that's like "(Your name) don't look", just to make it easier on us.

speaking of as well, if you are my mutual, i'd prefer you tag things regarding SA/r*pe, p$d*philia, and NSFW in general aside from jokes to be tagged with "Rex don't look". things may be added at a later time. (again, jokes are 100% fine!!! i find them funny, as long as they aren't like... super explicit)

User Boxes will go here eventually because I like them and think they're neat but uh. later. don't feel like grabbing em rn LMAO (edit: it's been weeks and i still haven't done it lmfao😭) (edit 2: MONTHS.)

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haikyuu-and-more-haikyuu · 9 months

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Volleyball progress update- last year.

Okay, so I planned to post this "update" in the start of the summer; but I got busy and never got the time to write it properly. Since the season is starting once again, I really wanted to get this out there before that. So here we go :D

Long post ahead!

So in the autumn, it was a completely new team...mostly. There was only a couple of us who stayed while most of the others quit. It was kind of sad, since a lot of them had been in the club for a few years; but what can you do? The new team was nice and some of them more experienced that others. Which is pretty common regarding hobby-sports clubs at universities.

I did struggle to get to know them all. I'm really shy and not that good at taking the first step. A few of them already knew each other from before- and for me that just made it harder. It's like the feeling of always saying the wrong thing even when just talking about mundane stuff. I still cheered on them and they cheered on me, but in the start it wasn't anything beyond that. The few of whom I knew from before; barely showed up and of those I had become better friend with- switched groups. Still I enjoyed myself very much. Of course, I wished I could be the one to just be able to talk with all of them with ease. I'm not like that; I need time to figure out the dynamic. What I did enjoy and what I consider myself better at (at least); is the dynamic and the team building on the court.

We clap and cheer for each other when we block, does a great dive and a powerful smash. It's funny and great to see the whole team growing in abilities that makes the whole team stronger. We are a 100% women team and our coach sometimes jokes that he wished the guys could be a little more like the women. Since guys just often teases each other and they never get applauses.

I have always liked the setter position. I have always like a challenge and when everybody else wanted to smash- I have always wanted to set. I'm also in the mindset that if I'm not giving my 100%, then whats the point of doing so. And since setter is one of the harder positions in volley- this is just be progressing in my way. I used to swim until I was 17-18, and i was a fly-swimmer (butterfly was the style I was best in) and I chose to practice and exercise in that style only because it is the hardest style to compete in. It clearly gives me a few ego points lol. As long as I'm improving and are able to set the ball for my team mates, I don't think my motivation for playing that position matter. I'm enjoying myself and so are my teammates.

Further into the year, I signed up for a tournament for different business- like teachers from different schools, different offices and for workers like that. It was a low bar and the teams were mixed. Some of them were really god, like first division...others not so much. I singed up partly because it meant more volley for me, but also because I thought it would be a great opportunity to get to know more players. It was very fun. Most of the teams were nice too and we helped each other out. I have talked about few of the matches in past updates. It was a great experience too and even my family came to watch one time and they enjoyed it. We lost that match haha! I was the team "captain" or "leader". It wasn't serious, I just had the responsibility for my teammates, the coin toss and a few others things. Like on the court I can talk and cheer and be expressive- but off; I just never know what to do with myself.

It was also very tiring in a few ways. I had a full day at university. From 8 to 16.The matches would start around 17 or 19 and warm-ups before that. The teams from my club, was also the referees, so even when my team started late; I still needed to show up or stay late. I was home around 10 or something each match day and well, it was tiring in that sense. Still worth it, but it was so weird when the tournament was over and I suddenly had the whole afternoon for myself. I will do it again tho.

The thing of being shy, is that while I want to speak to everybody in the room and I want them to see that I want to talk to them- people react by the action and impression you give them. Being closed off, also means that other view me like that and that makes it harder for them to reach out too. Its a double edge sword in a way.

After the new year, the tournament continued. A girl on my team had a big birthday party with another friend and invited us all. She had even rented a place for the whole party. I was nervous about going, since I had declined parties and outings with the team before- due to my social anxiety. It was now biting me in the butt tho haha. The vorspiel when great. We drank, played a few games and an hour or so before we needed to leave I shared with the captain and one from my team that I felt like it was hard to get to know them and get a word in. That it wasn't their fault and I didn't want to think that it was them that was the problem. But that I wished that we could get to know each other better;I was just struggling to start. They were very understanding and worried about if I felt excluded. Which I wasn't. But the leader said that she would keep that in mind and was very glad that I shared it, because she of course had noticed the distance between me and the others. The other friend that played on the tournament team with me shared the same thing, but also said that I was a great source of team spirit and that i spread positivity. A friend of her that had watched more than a few games had even pointed out to her that It looked like i always tried to cheer people up when they "messed up" or we missed a point. That I was never angry (because I'm never angry when I play). And that was nice to hear. Hear that even though I felt like i could be more to the team, that my words and my intention to be a part of a strong team; wasn't in vain.

After that it got easier. The captain started to sent me direct messages when planning smaller parties or movie nights with the team. It was easer at practice too, since I was included more in the conversations about what not. That also just did it possible for me to join in on myself since i knew where I had them.

We didn't have a lot of matches, just practice matches with the other teams in the club. I quite like playing against the mens team or mixed ones. Their faster, stronger and jump higher and its a steep learning curve for us girls.

In volleyball there a big difference between men and women. Men are stronger, taller and faster. They rely more on their bodies than technique. You see that in play. They can hit a strong smash and score a point. That isn't to say that they are bad at techniques or anything like that- but they do rely in their strength more. With women, you'll often see that their better with techniques and system (playing with set positions), because they need to use those "tools" to be able to score more points. One of the coaches pointed that out during a mixed training and even one of the guys on the A and B teams pointed that out that they also need to think more when they played again women. So both men and women learn when playing against each other.

There was one practice in particular that could have gone pretty bad. There had been a volleyball match between some of the better teams. After that there was mixed training for those who wanted to participate. I did with a few from my team and a few from the team I played with in the tournaments. One of the guys had forgotten his shoes, but it didn't stop him from playing. He was just a little bit unsteady on his feet. The guys on my team started to joke around and tried a few positions and fast tempo sets that excused us girls. we got impatient because 1) they messed it up each time and we lost points, 2) we also wanted to play.

One rally, the ball when up on our side. I was in the setter positioning and of course ran for the ball. It was in front of him, so he could hit it from the back line. He jumped and collided into me. It hurt, very much. I got his feets in my upper ribs and then his whole body on top of mine. Everybody stopped and asked if we were okay. It was very stressful and painful. I almost started to cry, but brushed dit off and stood up. My ribs hurt and so did a few other places on my body. I brushed away a few tears that had escaped and laughed and just said I wash okay. A few of the girls on my team looked like they wanted to slapp the guys for messing it up so much. It was very stressful for me because everyone was staring and asking if I was okay. I hate attention like that on me. He of course apologised against and again. It wasn't funny for him either and he hurt himself too. It was his fault, since the second ball is the setters no matter what. He just got too excited and well, mistakes happened. I'm not the one that hold anger for long. I was okay and could play...although a little more limited than before.

After the practice, a lot of the other players came over to check on me. It was heartwarming that we have such community in the club. The guy that jumped on me also came and apologised again and again. We're friends and he is a funny guy. I love setting to him because he really gets happy when he smashes it. I said that he needed to relax and that things like this happened. He fired back that things like this shouldn't happen. But what was done was done and we both were okay.

When I came home I had bruises on my upper back, on my elbows and some on my knees too. I got another apology message from him and I asked if he was fine too. Since I heard that he hurt is foot in the collision. I also worried about it and apologized for not seeing him jump so I could backtrack.

When we met up from joint practice on Sunday (as it always is) he apologised AGAIN. I then said he needed to stop and that it was in the past. I said that I didn't want him to go around and be scared that I was upset with him. I wasn't. i Wolden have been if he had really hurt me. He said that it was a good thing that he had forgotten his shoes. If had had them, then he would have ben able to jump higher and with more force. Then he would have broken my ribs and kicked me in the face. So that Wednesday he collided into me - I had a few angles watching over me to make sure I didn't get too hurt (a Norwegian saying).

After that, whenever we played on the same team, he made sure to not stand opposite of me, so we wouldn't be in that position. I said he needed to stop being scared, but happy that he took care of it. It's not like I want to get hurt. Now we play fine together and its the same where we stand in relation to each other. I just enjoy playing.

There was another intern tournament with mixed teams. it was fun and the after party was also very fun. We partied with people we never met and I had come out of my shell some.

When my birthday in may came and it was coincidentally on the same day we have practice, I brought brownies with me to end the Friday and ring the weekend in. Of course my team and the others teams that played where happy for it. I got a birthday song and we ate cake and talked until the gym closed at ten. I got a lot of great wishes and hugs from the others. The suckiest thing about being shy and anxious in social setting, is that it keeps me away from kind people like this.

The year was nearing its end. A backside of having practice in the gym that belongs to the university is that some of the sections is used for exams room when the time comes. We needed to take our volleyball to the other gym, where they play handball. The floor is sticky and its hurt to dive. But practice is important. During the exam period, we have mixed raing. It's still very fun, even though less and less people come because they have started their vacation.

I also finally started to get over hand serves right and while their kind of weak- they still manage to score a few points when I get them over. They're short, so they usually fall in between the net and the three meter mark so they can be hard to pick up when it's not expected. I hope to get better at it and more powerful too.

Looking back ot were I was a year ago, I have evolved. Although there's a lot of different things that needs improvement; i have gotten better at both smashing and setting. I'm not so good of a blocker, but I can be used in the back. I have also gotten a lot of balls in my face, some have caused nose bleeds. I got s smash from the A-team in the tournament in my face and the hitters mothers instinct kicked in and she felt very sorry for hurting me. But I always go for the ball since that means more play on all of us. Its a fun group and I'm looking forward to see who will join us this year too. I brough new knee pads, those very sort volleyball shorts and last year I laos bought new volleyball shoes. I'm all fit for fight😗

I hope to increase my vertical jump, so I can be better in blocking and all around technique. I'm gonna focus on running and light weight training the next year, just so I can improve all around health. I hope the next season will be as great as or better than this one.

It's also pretty weird, since the season is about to start; I have dreamt a lot about playing volley and my teammates. I'm so ready to start up again!!!

#not haikyuu #volleyball update #volleyball #personal #haikyuu!!#haikyuu #HQ

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