#love it for the secret history which is why it's on that playlist too

[eternallyfatedjadedspaded]

okay but fr fr i know if you follow my main you remember maybe my hannibal phase i would post about this like too much wayyy too much lol but i have to make sure yall know of this song because it's so Alex and Nigel escaping together vibes (or just canon ending). also love it for the secret history which is why it's on that playlist too

#like minds #nigel colbie #like minds 2006 #alex forbes #murderous intent #murderous intent 2006 #love it for the secret history which is why it's on that playlist too #the secret history #tsh #Spotify

[dudeitiskarev]

If You Only Knew | Aaron Hotchner

My One and Only prequel

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x bau female reader

Summary: Broken hearts find each other and in the process, they mend each other.

Word count: 10.7k

Tags/warnings: season 10 Hotch <3; cheating (on reader); food and alcohol consumption; Hotch has a soft spot for reader<3; lazy case talk whoops; canon typical violence; one bed trope; smut: unprotected and dirty office sex (p in v); secret relationship; stolen glances and kisses in forbidden places!!1!

Author’s note: I don’t usually do second parts mostly because I wrap up the story in a single one shot, but while writing the first fic I had this prequel in mind because oh boy, they have HISTORY (which is why it ended up being longer than My One and Only). Both can be read as a stand alone. First fic was based on Dress by miss T. Swift, and this one is like a mash up of every Taylor’s ovulation songs (I listened to this playlist a lot while writing this) 🙂‍↔️ Call It What You Want x I Can See You being the main inspo. Or were the songs inspired by them???🧐 it’s just so sexy sexy. Anyway, hope you enjoy!!!!

MASTERLIST

There used to be an engagement ring on your right hand. 

A bright but simple ring that from the moment it was given to you, had you hopeful about your future. That future had always been uncertain. You rarely pictured yourself more than two years ahead, to begin with—for many reasons, neither worth mentioning—but no matter how long your future was, you were sure it was going to be just as bright as your ring. 

And how wrong you were…

It hadn’t been more than two months since your fiancé promised you the world when you caught him in a lie. You’d let it slip away, fidgeting your ring as a reminder that he was the one. 

If you hadn’t ignored the signs, you would’ve saved yourself from getting your heart ripped out. 

He cheated, and even worse, you caught him in the act, with another woman in your own bed. You stormed out leaving every door open. Zac came running behind you, yelling your name, but you didn’t stop. You ripped the engagement ring off your finger and threw it at him without looking back. That clink of the band bouncing on the pavement was so faint compared to the sound of your castle crumbling, and your prince kept yelling at you to come back.

You didn’t. You got in your car and drove off aimlessly. 

You’d been driving around the city blasting music since then, and yelling the lyrics hoping you’d go numb. You didn’t, but at least you had some clarity. 

You had nowhere to be. There was no home anymore, no bed to sleep on, and no arms to run to. The place you used to call home now was stained with lies and haunted by another woman. 

The only place that could shelter you for the night was the BAU. At the end of the day, that was your home. You spent most of your days there with the people you worked with. People who would take a bullet for you. They were your family—Derek being the one you loved the most—but you couldn’t run to him or any of them right now. The wound was too fresh and letting them see you like this would be disappointing and just… sad. They’ve always known you as a tough and reasonable woman. How were you supposed to tell them you weren’t that smart now that your entire relationship crumbled?

You parked at your usual spot and searched for your emergency go bag in the backseat. It was always stocked with everything you needed for at least a week. You weren’t planning on staying at the BAU for an entire week, of course, but also, you never knew. Your ex was capable of lighting your house on fire just to get rid of any evidence of his betrayal so for now, that bag was all you had. 

You took a deep breath and made your way inside the building. You walked through security as you always did and smiled at the night guard. It was Rick, the oldest of them all but you felt the safest when he was at the door.

“What brings you here at this hour, young lady?” Rick adjusted his ivy cap. 

It was past three in the morning. 

“Piled up paperwork,” you merely said. 

And he didn’t question you. “Oh, sure,” he answered politely with his old, raspy voice.  

You smiled at him and made your way to the elevator, pushing the number six as you always did. You kicked the bag with your knee until the doors dinged open. 

Not a single soul received you.

You walked past the glass doors and reached your desk, looking up at Hotch’s office that was right across. He had a couch there that you could use as your bed for a few hours. Everyone has slept there at least once— for whatever reason—and now it was your turn. You marched up the short stairs and paused. You knew his office remained unlocked (he once said that he’d lost the key, but deep down you knew he left it open in case anyone needed somewhere to crash for the night). 

You knocked, just in case, and once there was no answer, you twisted the knob. His perfume was faint in the air—soft and woody—so it was easy to assume he’d left not long ago. You closed the door behind you and walked to the couch, leaving your bag there and turning the lamp on. 

The dim light triggered the memories of the moment that tore you apart hours earlier: Another woman riding your fiancé. They even dared to light up romantic candles. 

Your fucking candles.

“Son of a bitch,” you muttered.

You couldn’t help but laugh a little. You wasted three years of your life and now with a cool head, you realized it was in your hands how you handled it. It could either be the best thing that's happened to you or you could let it drag you down. 

Right then, you decided the first option was the only one. You stood there, both hands on your hips, your chin up and took a deep breath, filling your lungs with air until your chest swelled. 

This was going to be the only night you’d let yourself mourn your relationship. No tears. Just you and a glass of scotch. It wasn’t your drink of choice but it was all Hotch kept in his office and you knew exactly where he kept the bottle (right under his espresso machine García had gotten him for his birthday a couple of years ago). You crouched down and opened the little cabinet. The bottle was almost full and you wondered if it was brand new or if he rarely drank. You shrugged it off. You poured yourself some and began pacing around his office.

You’ve been here a million times and you’d never paid much attention to all the things he had. There were quite a few awards granted by the bureau displayed on the wall behind his desk; a bunch of books, too. You ran your fingers through them as you walked from end to end. He had a picture of Jack and Haley over his desk and you looked around, searching for a picture of Beth. Your eye landed on her contagious smile, over the little table by his couch. You walked there to get a better look at the picture. She was looking at the camera and he was looking at her. You’d met her a few times and it was nice seeing Hotch in love again. After Haley, everyone thought he’d refuse to let someone in again, but when love knocks on your door there’s not much you can do. 

You sighed deeply and placed your empty glass in front of the picture. The alcohol was making you sleepy so you made yourself comfortable. You went to brush your teeth, put on your pajamas and fuzzy socks, made a blanket out of your blazer, and used your folded pants as a pillow.

You rubbed your feet together. It wasn’t a cold night, but you wished you didn’t have to spend it alone. 

The constant sound of a pen scraping on paper gradually woke you up.

Shit. 

You meant to sleep only a few hours and have Hotch’s office as it was before he got here; pretend you’d gotten there earlier than everyone. You must’ve slept through your alarm. 

You slowly squinted your eyes open and caught Hotch sitting at his desk, brows low in deep thought.

How long has he been there?

“Hotch.” You rubbed your eyes and sat upright. “Hi. Sorry, I— What time is it?”

“Eight-thirty,” he answered, never taking his eyes off the file.

So you didn’t sleep through your alarm. 

“When did you get here? I didn’t hear you.”

“A few minutes ago.” He put the pen down and lifted his head to look at you. His face softened. 

He didn’t seem upset about you invading his office but you still felt the need to explain yourself. “I, uh, stayed until late last night and I was too sleepy to drive and—” You realized mid-sentence how bad you were lying.

But he let you. 

“It’s not a problem, you can always sleep here. As long as it’s not already taken.” He stared at you for a moment, rubbing his thumb with the rest of his fingers. You wondered how bad you looked. How bad everything seemed. “It has a foldable seat,” was all he said, gesturing at the couch. “There’s a blanket under it.”

“Oh, thanks. It wasn’t that cold.” You braced yourself. 

It was cold now.

“You can sleep for another hour,” he added. 

“We don’t have a case?” 

“No.” He glanced at the open door and then back at you. “Not yet anyway.”

Then why was he here so early?

You smiled at him and began to gather your things anyway. “Thank you, but I still should go. I’m… invading your space.”

“Oh, please. Don’t worry about it,” he said before going back to work on his paper. 

Even if he didn’t mind you sleeping there while he worked, you did. You stood up, stretched your neck a bit, and began to fold all of your clothes, putting them back in your bag. 

You felt his eyes on you every once in a while and just when you grabbed the evidence of your late night—the empty glass of scotch—he asked, “Is everything alright?”

You looked at him. There was that soft look again.

“Yeah, I just…” you trailed off, fidgeting with your now invisible ring. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

He didn’t have to say anything. He knew. You knew he knew just by that look he gave you. Wise. Emphatic. The ‘I’ve been there before’ look. 

He opened his mouth to add something, but his phone buzzed on the table, making him tear his eyes off you. He sighed as his brows lowered.

“Now we have a case?” You asked and he nodded. “I’ll put on some work-appropriate clothes, then.” You looked down at your pajamas.

“Take your time. We’ll meet in thirty.”

The jet took off and the clouds were never-ending. 

Two women had been abducted (and murdered) already in Fort Myers before you were invited to investigate. Victimology and M.O. were discussed and you barely said a thing. Your mind kept wandering off to the night before and how miserable you felt. The phantom of betrayal was still heavy on your shoulders. 

Hotch sat next to you during the three-hour flight, and the only thing he said to you that wasn’t work-related was: ‘Would you like some coffee’, to which you gladly accepted. His eyes, though, kept asking if you were okay. 

Minutes before the jet touched the ground, your phone caught some signal and began to buzz uncontrollably against the table. You already knew who it was so you didn’t bother to glance at the screen, you just sighed in annoyance and put your phone in your pocket. You felt Hotch’s eyes on you again and you tried your best to ignore him.

Right now, he was your boss, not your friend. 

The moment the jet doors opened, the dense, humid air stuck to your skin. Everyone groaned in annoyance.

“Ugh, I hate Florida,” Emily commented. 

You didn’t mind it. You needed a bit of heat and sun, hoping they’d woosh away the gray cloud over your head.

Hotch assigned everyone’s tasks for the day and partnered you up with Morgan to interview the victims’ families. Smart move. It was known that Morgan was your person inside the team, and even if he didn’t know about your heartbreak right now, he’d surely find out soon after spending the day with you. That’s what Hotch wanted. For you to have someone to talk to if you wanted.

You would’ve preferred to be out in the field instead of inside an office, that way you’d have more distractions. Right now, as you talked to one of the victim’s husbands, your only distraction was your phone. Your ex started to call you again and spam-texting you. He was getting on your nerves and you couldn’t quite focus on your job. The one that you considered was your forte—when it came to good people. 

These men weren’t good people. They were exactly like your ex. 

And they got on your nerves. 

Morgan shot you a frown as he walked the last person out of the office, “What’s going on with you? You almost punched the guy.” He gestured over his shoulder with his thumb.

“I would’ve if you hadn’t caught me.” You rolled your eyes. 

“I’m being dead serious, what’s going on with you?”

“He called his dead wife a whore, Morgan.”

“I’m not just talking about this. All morning you’ve been acting weird.”

There was his big brother attitude.

You sighed, shaking your head. You couldn’t not tell him. So you told him. Some of it. “Zac and I are fighting. He keeps calling but I’m not gonna answer yet. He’s gonna have to wait until I’m back.”

“What did he do?” He asked, brows shooting up with concern. 

You walked to the small coffee station the sheriff had set up for the team. “We’re just fighting.” You poured yourself some coffee. You couldn’t tell him everything. He was friends with Zac—and a really good one. 

“I don’t buy that,” Morgan insisted. “I know what your fights look like. This isn’t a fight over how he didn’t do the dishes.”

You hated how well he knew you. You and Zac. It was sad to think there wouldn’t be any more double dates with him and Savannah. 

“I don’t want to talk about it yet,” you merely said.

Morgan let out a huff and glared at you in silence. “Alright.” 

He respected you and didn’t bug you any more about it. And neither did Zac, thankfully. The messages and phone calls stopped but even then, you couldn’t get your mind off whatever he wanted to say. 

The day went by painfully slowly. Not many leads were found and the unsub seemed to have gone dormant, which meant the investigation was done for the day. 

Hotch, JJ, and Rossi were still finishing up a few things with the sheriff, and you decided to wait for them outside, sitting on the sidewalk. There was a dinner reservation at the hotel at nine. It was thirteen past nine and you’d been running on five cups of coffee. 

Your stomach rumbled. 

Steps came from behind. Morgan silently sat next to you and handed you a protein bar. He sat close, his arm touching yours. “Zac called me.” 

“Good for him.” You didn’t bother to look at him. Instead, you began to pick your nails. You weren’t hungry anymore. 

“And he told me.” Derek placed one hand over yours, stopping you from destroying your nails. 

You shot him a look. “What did he tell you?” You asked because you didn’t think Zac would rat himself out to Morgan. 

“I’m on your side,” he said. “He’s my friend, but you’re my sister. He’s dead to me now.” He quirked his brows. 

“What did he tell you, Morgan?”

“That you caught him cheating.” 

The disappointment on his face was as clear as the night sky.  

You tore your eyes off him and sighed.

“I was so stupid.” You rubbed your forehead. “I caught him in lies multiple times and I brushed them all off. Like a part of me wanted that to happen,” you confessed. 

“What do you mean? That you didn’t want to marry him?”

“I… I don’t know.” You looked back at Derek. Now that the truth was out you needed to talk about it. Maybe that way you could realize it was all your fault. “I loved him, and he was a great guy but at some point, after the engagement and before the lies, I stopped seeing a future with him. So I guess it’s my fau—”

“Nuh-uh.” Derek interrupted you, placing a finger over your lips. “He did this,” then booped your nose. 

You couldn't help but smile. “Yeah but I stopped being… a girlfriend to him,” you explained, moving your hands around to make your point. “I came home late, he’d wait for me with dinner but I just… stopped seeing him.” You sighed. It really was your fault to some extent now that you talked about it. “He sought the attention I stopped giving him on someone else. I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want… to be the person who just works and can’t balance it with personal life.”

“It’s tough.” 

“Yeah, but you seem to make it work with Savannah.” You nudged his arm.

They had the kind of love you aspired to have one day.

“It took us a while, but we made it work. Still do. It’s a good thing she also has a time-consuming job. She just gets it. But it takes a lot of effort from both parties.”

You nodded in agreement. “Zac and I are over. This isn’t something we can talk about and get through and forget or forgive. He betrayed me.” 

Derek hung one arm over your shoulder and kissed your temple. “I know.”

“At least I don’t have to plan a wedding anymore. It seems exhausting.”

“Oh, believe me, it is.”

You gasped and pulled away to look at him. He had a grin on his face now. That’s what you needed. A smile from him even if it made you forget for just a moment. “What? What does that mean? Did you propose?!” 

“Whoa, whoa.” Emily came from behind and joined the conversation right away, standing in front of you. “Who’s proposing?”

“Morgan,” you were quick to respond. Anything to avoid anyone else knowing you’d been cheated on.

“Shhh!” He stood up, signaling you both to shut up with a finger over his lips and looking around to make sure no one else heard. “I’m planning to, alright. Don't…. Freak out. She can say no.”

“She’d be silly to say no,” Emily laughed a little. “Are you kidding?”

“You’re already planning the wedding,” you laughed too while standing up. “Don’t pretend you expect her to say no.”

“Of course, she’s gonna say yes.” Derek grinned. “I’m just playin’.”

On the way to the hotel, the team split into two SUVs and Hotch kept glancing at you through the rearview mirror at every red light and stop sign, with that know-it-all look, a pinch of concern. He was worried about you (and soon to be pissed for the stunt you pulled earlier). 

You got a triple room with Emily and JJ and you didn’t give them a chance to make any conversation with them since dinner was canceled.  You threw your bag over your bed and headed to the rooftop. You figured it’d be the only place none of the team would be. You needed fresh air, and you felt ready to talk to Zac. You reached the rooftop and pulled out your phone. Just the thought of hearing his voice tightened your throat. But you had to. You needed to know what he had to say.

You dialed his number and some agonizing butterflies still managed to flap their wings at the pit of your stomach with that first ‘hey’ on the other line. Tears welled up in your eyes. Your only witness was the moon hanging above and she wouldn’t judge you, so you finally allowed yourself to feel it.

His voice was a stab to your heart and a soft sob got caged in your throat. He said he was sorry, that he missed you, that he loved you. That you will always be the love of his life and that he knew he’d lost you. You muffled your sobs against your hand and once he was done talking, all you could reply was ‘okay’. 

Then you hung up.

“Damn it.” You let your phone slip through your fingers to cover your eyes with one hand while you braced yourself with the other arm. 

You stood there—for who knows how long—until a pair of unfamiliar arms enveloped you from the front. Their scent, though, was like home—faint and woody bathing you whole. You nestled against their chest and it only made you cry even more. 

“Shh. It’s okay.” 

Hotch’s voice snapped the knife out of your chest and he wasn’t about to let you bleed out. With one hand he caressed the back of your head, giving you soft scratches. The other rubbed your upper back with short and tender strokes. You weren’t planning on crumbling and you surely didn’t expect Hotch to be the one comforting you, but it felt right. You needed a hug and a gentle voice telling you it was okay to feel like this. 

Your entire relationship flashed before your eyes. You were mourning its death, after all., and there was no going back from it. You wouldn’t do that to yourself and had to accept that his laugh would eventually fade away from your memory and his eyes would no longer shine because of you—they haven’t for a while.

You peeled yourself from Hotch’s chest and noticed how his shirt was damp with your tears.

“Sorry, I—” you sniffed; looked up at him.

His soft eyes scanned your face for a moment. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’ they asked, a sweet frown taking over his face. 

“You look like you need a drink,” he said instead.

You chuckled, nodding, even when the after-crying headache was creeping up on you. You would’ve taken the elevator to the first floor, but Hotch guided you through the staircase. 

“Were you up there when I got there?” you asked him. 

“No, I went there to clear my head and… found you standing there.”

After all these years working with him, he was still the hardest to read. “Is something bugging you?” you asked him. 

“No.”

Okay, then. You understood it wasn’t something he wanted to talk about (with you). 

You reached the first floor and headed to the bar. It wasn’t crowded, and Rossi was already there. You two joined him, each at either side of him.

“Ah, FBI agents,” Rossi told the bartender, taking a sip of his drink. “You’re not gonna interrogate me, are you?” he then asked you two.

“I don’t know. Should we?” Hotch asked with a tint of humor.

“You should interrogate her.” He gestured at you by twitching his mouth in your direction. “I heard she almost punched one of the victim’s husbands.”

“Thanks, Rossi.” You glared at him, and he couldn’t have cared less. 

“Is that true?” Hotch asked you, leaning a bit forward to glance at you over Rossi, even when the wall in front of you was a whole mirror. 

“Goodnight, kid.” Rossi slid off his stool. “Night Hotch. Keep an eye on her.”

“Great.” You glared at him again. “Just throw the grenade and run away.” He just laughed and waved a dismissive hand. He had clearly had quite a few drinks so you couldn’t blame him much.

“Is that true?” Hotch asked again.

“He was a jerk,” you responded, sipping on your drink. 

“That has nothing to do with it. Jerk or not, you can’t be acting like that.” His frown grew strong but his voice remained as soft as when he was comforting you moments earlier. 

“He cheated on her, Hotch.” You shot him a look through the mirror. “That’s why she went out and got abducted. Murdered.”

“I understand that, but we push our feelings aside, you know that.”

“I know.” You pinched the bridge of your nose. “Just… let it go, please. You know I won’t do it again.”

“Of course you won’t.” He took a short sip of his drink and looked forward, making eye contact with you through the mirror. “You’d be off the case if you pull something like that again.” 

A light bulb lit up over your head right then. 

“Do you think that’s why the unsub is targeting the victims?” You grabbed his forearm with excitement. “Because they got cheated on?”

You were right and your tragedy helped save the last woman the unsub had abducted. You wrapped up the case with a bittersweet taste. 

On the flight home, Morgan sat next to you, and for some reason, you wished Hotch had sat there.

You searched for him on the jet and he’d chosen to sit farther back. You wanted to thank him for comforting you when he didn’t have to, and as if he’d read your mind—

Good job today—He texted—I know this was a particularly difficult case for you.

You lifted your head and caught him looking at you. You smiled at him as a response.

It was difficult, but it also helped you heal a little. 

Morgan nudged your arm gently, gesturing for you to take your headphones off. 

“Hm?” you raised your brows.

“Are you planning on going home now?” 

You sighed. “I have to.”

“You can stay with me for a few days. Savannah would be thrilled to have you over.”

“Thank you but I think that’d make me feel… small? I have to see him eventually. And I’d rather get it over with soon.” You smiled at him. “After that conversation, though, I’m not sure if I’ll have a place to stay so I’ll let you know if I need a place to crash for the night.”

“I’ll be there, then.”

When you made it to your place, Zac was waiting for you with dinner. You would’ve laughed, but you were too exhausted to even smile at him. 

“I’m just here to get my things,” you said, walking past him to your room.

You smelled fresh paint on your way there, and you really laughed then. He’d repainted the whole thing. Did he think changing the wall color would make you forget what happened there? 

“It’s your favorite color.” Zac stood at the door.

“You’re unbelievable.” You scoffed.

You threw all your belongings in two suitcases and left. 

To never come back.

“You’re getting discharged.” Hotch drew open the curtain of your cubicle.

“What? What about Morgan?” You sat upright, keeping the ice close to the bump on your head. You’d been in a car crash in the middle of a prosecution. “Is he okay?”

“He’s fine. He just dislocated his shoulder.”

“Well, the doctor said I can’t fly, let alone drive.” You rolled your eyes. “So who’s driving me back to Quantico?”

“I am.” You couldn’t help but let out a huff. “Yeah, I’m not excited about it either.”

“It’s seventeen hours, Hotch. You don’t have to. I’m sure I can take an overnight bus or something.”

“You’re not taking any bus. You got a brain bleed. Someone’s gotta be there if something happens.” He glared at you. “Gather your things. I’ll bring the car. A nurse will walk you out.”

Your things were only your badge and gun. Everything else was still at the hotel, so you assumed you were going to make a stop there before hitting the road back to Quantico.  

You were officially discharged by your doctor minutes later and you’d underestimated Hotch’s efficiency. He’d already gone to the hotel to get your things. He even bought snacks—your favorite snacks. 

You reclined your seat and threw a blanket over you. Your head was much better but it still hurt despite you being high on painkillers.

“Are you cold? Do you want me to turn the heater on?”

“Not cold.” You assured him. You just wanted to make yourself cozy. “Hotch, I don’t know if I’m gonna handle a seventeen-hour drive.”

“I know.” He gave you a quick glance. “I don’t think I will either. We’ll make a stop if you need to. Just let me know.”

You dozed off and on during the first two hours—your eyes darting to Hotch’s firm hands on the steering wheel—until it started raining. Normally, you would’ve been on high alert since you weren’t a fan of driving when it rained, but it was Hotch who was driving. And he was a great driver. 

The sound of the thick drops hitting the windshield turned out to be a perfect lullaby and helped you fall into a deep and cozy slumber. A dream began to take over your mind at some point but it didn’t become one entirely. 

Loud noises dragged you out of it.

You blinked your eyes open. You were parked on the side road, and the rain wasn’t normal rain anymore. It was loud, hitting the rooftop like daggers. You feared it might fall through. 

“Are those hailstones?” You adjusted the seat back straight.

“Not yet,” Hotch responded. “But we can’t keep driving like this. I can barely see past the hood. It’s too dangerous.”

“I’m no weather expert but I’m sure there’s a storm coming.”

Hotch nodded in agreement. “We’ll have to make an emergency stop.” He pulled out his phone and typed something. “There’s a motel 3 miles away. We can spend a few hours there until the storm passes.”

“You just said it’s dangerous to keep driving.”

“It’s more dangerous to stay here or on the side of the road. Plus you need to rest. It’s been a long drive already.” 

Long? You glanced at the clock on the radio. 

“It’s been six hours already?!” Your eyes widened.

It didn’t feel like it, though.

“You snored half of it.” He teased, his soft dimples making their first appearance of the night.

“I did not,” you laughed a little. 

You knew he was just kidding, but you clearly needed those hours of deep sleep. Your headache was much better now.

Hotch kept the blinkers on as he started driving again, slowly until the map on his phone signaled him to turn right. 

There was a blue-light vacancy sign glitching. 

“This is it?” you asked. The place looked straight out of a horror film and the dark sky didn’t help.

“You stay here,” Hotch ordered. “I’ll check if they have any rooms.”

You didn’t disagree and locked the doors once he stepped out. Just in case. 

Minutes later, your phone buzzed.

There’s only one room available, Hotch texted you. 

Two beds? you texted back right away.

King, he replied.

Great. It was either sharing a bed with Hotch or staying in the car.

I don’t mind if you don’t, you texted. It shouldn’t be that big of a deal. Then you added, we’ll only be here a few hours until the rain stops, right?

Yes. Don’t move. I’ll come get you, he replied.

You gathered your things within reach, as gently as possible so your brain wouldn’t get all scrambled by sudden movements and unlocked the doors for Hotch.

He opened the door and ducked his head inside. “It’s the farthest room,” he raised his voice over the loud rain.

“That’s fine,” you matched his tone. “Let’s make one trip. I can carry my things.”

“You sure?” he frowned in an attempt to keep the rain out of his eyes.

“I’m fine. Don’t worry.” You nodded and stepped out of the car. 

Once you had your things and Hotch had his, he took the lead with you walking fast behind him with your head low. You both were already drenched so there was no point in running. 

The room was better than what you expected. It welcomed you with warm air, one bed, a small desk facing the window, an old TV, and a bathroom. They even had a small station with a kettle and tea/coffee, and the heater was on

You stripped out some of your clothes right next to the heater and changed your muddy shoes for your slippers. 

“Do you mind if I take the bathroom first?” You asked him.

“Not at all,” Hotch replied, ridding himself of some damp clothes.

You walked past him with your bag and locked yourself in the bathroom. You unlocked it right away. What if you passed out? It was going to be a quick shower to regulate your body temperature, but with a brain injury, you never knew. 

You were in and out of it in less than ten minutes and Hotch had already changed his clothes to sweatpants and a white t-shirt. It was always so strange seeing him out of his suits.

“Are you hungry?” He asked, hanging his clothes on the improvised drying rack he made out of the single chair and desk and placing it close to the heater. 

“A little.” You sat on the left side of the bed.

Hotch grabbed the snack bag and displayed what he’d bought over the bed. Along with your favorite snacks were some fruits and two instant noodle soups. The first time you pulled out one of those, Reid told you all about them and how they were some of the most cancerous foods there could be, but they were a guilty pleasure and you didn’t eat them often. 

“Take your pick,” he said. “I’ll take a shower now.”

He was being a good caretaker to you and you trusted him so all you had to do today and tomorrow was obey him. You could shut your brain down when Hotch was around.  

You turned the TV on to have some background noise and put on the news. The weather had been catastrophic already in some parts and they said it was going to last at least eight more hours. It was 8 pm so you didn’t mind waiting all night for it to pass. It was a cozy room, after all.

You prepared yourself the instant soup and sat cross-legged on the bed. Your phone buzzed against the mattress.

How’s your head? Morgan texted.

Better. Your shoulder?

I have a good doctor at home so I’ll be alright. How’s the trip going? 

The sky is falling here. We had to make a stop for the night. 

Sharing a room with the boss? ;) 

You didn’t know why he would say that or why you would lie about your answer, but you lied. 

Of course not! We’re gonna wait for the rain to pass before hitting the road again.

You hit send right when Hotch came out of the bathroom, drying his hair with a towel. 

You put the phone down. “There’s still hot water in the kettle.”

You rarely saw him eat, and since all he bought were things you liked, you assumed he liked them too. He prepared his soup as well and sat on the other side of the bed.

“It looks pretty bad.” He glanced at the TV.

“They said it’s gonna last all night.”

Something was odd about him now. Maybe it was the fatigue of the trip that hit him after the shower. But he kept looking at his phone and putting it down. You saw him clench his jaw more than once. 

“Everything okay?” You had to ask.

He gave you a look. 

Everything was not okay.

He hesitated a moment, twisting the noodles with his fork but never taking a bite. 

“Beth got a job offer in Hong Kong.” Oh. “And she’s boarding the flight now.” Oh, no. “She asked my opinion before taking the job offer.” He smiled, though it didn’t reach his eyes. “Of course, I encouraged her to take it. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.”

You didn’t want him to regret his choice about encouraging her—she put him between a rock and a hard place—but you had a string of questions about it. What if she asked for his opinion because she wanted to stay and settle, but needed him to say it?  

“So you let her go,” you said instead and he nodded. “How’s Jack handling it?”

“She talked to him, we took him to Orlando for the weekend and he understood it but”—he sighed—“I know it’s been hard on him, too.” You couldn’t imagine how his son was feeling. He was a kid and he’d lost someone, too. “But we ended it on good terms.” He raised his brows. 

“Why did you offer to drive me home?” You asked. “You could be there with her by now. At the airport.”

“We said our goodbyes.” He shook his head and looked down. “It would’ve made it more painful.” 

You hummed in agreement. “They say if you love someone, you let them go. If they come back, it means they’re truly yours.” He looked at you. “She could come back.”

His eyes were glassy. For some reason, you felt he was thinking about Haley, too. He was once again losing someone he loved—by choice this time but losing her nonetheless.

“Sorry,” he sort of laughed. “I’m talking about my heartbreak when…”

When you were recently heartbroken too. 

“Don’t worry about me. I’m—”

“Fine,” he finished your sentence. “Of course you are.” 

“I’m over it and I laugh about it now. I wasted three years of my life. My good years.” You chucked. “It's funny now.”

“It’s not. And you still have a few more good years ahead of you?” He commented, confused.

You talked as if your youth was already over but you had a good reason. “Yeah, but I’m not gonna be as hot as I was when I met him.” He smirked. “He went for a younger woman.” You then added. 

“Younger?” He raised his brows. 

“I know. I think that’s why I feel old. But she was a 25-year-old trainee.”

“That’s not much younger than you.” 

“You flatter me.” You let out a small laugh. “I just… Why do men always go for the younger woman?”

He took a subtle deep breath. “I—“

“Generally speaking,” you added. “Men who cheat go for a younger woman.”

“I don’t know but I’m sure Reid can give you all the statistics about it.”

“Yeah,” you scoffed. “I don’t wanna hear them.” 

You let out a yawn, and soon Hotch did too. You two agreed in silence it was time for bed already.

“It’s not cold in here so I’ll sleep over the bed covers,” he commented.

“Hotch, you don’t have to. I don’t mind, honestly. I’ve shared beds with most of our team.”

“Alright,” he let out a small laugh, raising his brows. 

The rain stopped around 5 am and within thirty minutes you both were up and ready to hit the road again. There were ten hours ahead of you and this time you didn’t feel the need to sleep through it. You slept like a baby last night and also, talking to Hotch was really nice, and he seemed well-rested too. 

You stopped for a quick breakfast two hours in and had it in the car to optimize time. Throughout the drive, there were talks about the landscapes and weather and he’d throw in some random stories about his brother, or Haley and Jack when something reminded him of them.  

Your favorite was how he and Jack had a tradition whenever it rained: chocolate chip cookies. And how Jack had already decided that he was going to do the same with his kids one day. 

And the more the clock ticked, the more you wished he’d slow down his speed (even when he was going just below the limit). You didn’t want the trip to end, but it had to eventually.

Around 3 pm. Hotch was dropping you off at your place.

“It’s a nice neighborhood,” he commented. Only Derek had had the chance to visit your new place.

“It is. It’s mostly old people that live here so it’s very quiet all the time.” You smiled. Silence filled the air for a moment. You missed him already. “Hey, I know we’re both exhausted but… would you like to come in? We can make some decent lunch.”

Hotch took a subtle deep breath. “I would. I’d love to but… Jack’s waiting for me. I was supposed to arrive yesterday and he was excited to see me. I… I’m picking him up at school after this.”

“Oh, yeah, of course.” You gulped. Stupid.

Why did you feel nervous around him all of a sudden?

“Maybe some other time?” He asked.

Your stomach fluttered. 

“Definitely.”

Spencer was turning 33, and Penelope thought throwing him a surprise birthday party was a good idea. She asked everyone to show up earlier than usual to decorate a conference room. You were the first one to show, then one by one everyone arrived. 

The only one you wanted to see walking through the door, though, wasn’t the birthday boy. It was Hotch. 

After the gloomy night at the motel, Hotch became a permanent thought. You didn’t know if it was because he took such good care of you, or because he trusted you to tell you a personal thing—or both—but since that night, something changed.

You’d always admired him, but this was more than that. Your cheeks grew warm whenever he looked at you. You started to feel like a schoolgirl with a crush. And you felt ridiculous. He was your boss, he’d been your boss for five years so why had your feelings changed? 

The truth was, you’d always had certain feelings for him. Nothing ever happened before because you met him as a divorced man, who only had time for his kid and his job, so at the time, besides your boss, he was a nice face to look at (a very nice face). Then Haley's death came and he shut himself down, drowning himself in work. You started dating Zac soon after, then you didn’t have eyes for Hotch anymore. He became who he was: your boss. 

Now, that both were single, your true feelings for him were coming afloat. Of course, you didn’t let them show; how your stomach fluttered at his sudden presence and constant glances. You insisted those were in your head, that he’d always looked at you the same amount or the same way, but when the attraction is reciprocated, there’s a spark. 

That spark almost lit up a fire in your chest when he finally showed up. The lights were off, but you’d recognize his silhouette anywhere, and he was walking up to you.

“Hey,” he whispered, standing next to you.

“You’re late,” you whispered back.

“Is Reid here?”

“No, but we did all the work.”

“I’m… the boss for a reason.”

You held back a laugh. Thank god it was dark.

“Shhh, there he comes!” Penelope whispered loudly. 

Everyone moved to their assigned spot and your hand accidentally brushed his in the process. “Sorry.”

It’s okay, he whispered. 

That accidental touch was the first of many not-so-accidental.

You tried to convince yourself it was all in your head, but he looked at you, paid attention, listened to every word you had to say. He saw right through you. 

There weren’t many moments outside work, though, and that confused you even more. You couldn't ask him to see each other casually. It wasn’t something you or he did, and it made you wonder. You wondered. Always. Every day. Every hour. Every time you looked at him you wondered what was going through his mind. 

Weeks went by where unspoken words were said. Your feet itched to go to his office every time you knew he was going to stay until late. To offer him some coffee, or ask him if he needed help with something but all you always ever did was turn in your reports and linger there for a second or two, hoping he’d ask you to stay. 

And tonight was no exception. You had your excuse to stay late this time, though. A doctor's appointment forced you to clock in late, and for that, you had to stay to meet your weekly worked hours. 

Everyone had left, even the janitors. 

Everyone except for Hotch, of course. 

You glanced at your watch when you finally finished your last report. It wasn’t even an appropriate time to have dinner. You were dreaming of your bathtub and a glass of wine with some cheese.

You stacked your folders and adjusted your skirt before going to Hotch's office to hand them in. You knocked three times and waited for his Come in! to enter the room. 

You walked in and he wasn’t at his desk as he usually was. He was on his couch, with only the lamp lights on; he’d removed his jacket and had his sleeves rolled up right below his elbows. 

“Hey, I… I finished my reports.”

He looked at you—stared. You swore a faint smile was curling the corner of his lips. “Toss them on my desk.”

You slowly walked in and did as he said. “Are you… leaving soon?” you clasped your hands behind you.

“I don’t think so.”

“Is there… something I can help you with?” You gestured at the folder he was holding.

He paused for a second before replying, “Yes, actually.” He scooted to give you space on the couch. “Close the door.”

You did as he said and sat next to him, but not quite close. He put the folder on the coffee table and spread all the documents, filling in every gap.

“Choose,” he said. 

You laughed. “What?” 

“Our next case.”

“Oh, I’m not… I don’t think I’m qualified to do that, am I?”

“There’s a reason I’m asking you to choose.” He raised his brows to make his point. 

Your eyes flickered between pictures and reports. Neither was worse than the other. “Well, it’s not like I can choose, right? You have to… study each one of these murders to decide which one has more priority. Which is… a bit twisted. As if one is less important than the other.”

“It’s hard.” 

“And you do it every time.”

Hotch nodded. “JJ used to do it when she was the liaison. Now she still does when I can’t or ask her to since she has the right criteria, but it’s on me now.” He raised his brows as he spoke. 

Your eyes were stuck on his lips, a sudden urge to kiss him brewing in your chest. 

“I don’t know how you do your job without breaking down sometimes,” you said. He smiled, scanning your face up and down. God, you really wanted to kiss him. “I mean your unit chief job.” You tore your eyes off him and adjusted yourself a bit farther on the couch. You had the perfect view of the side of his head.  

Hotch leaned forward resting his elbows over his knees and lowered his head. “It’s… the one thing I’m good at.”

“Not the only thing,” you let out a breathy laugh. He turned to you, raising his brows as if he were waiting for you to mention another thing he was good at. “You’re a great dad, Hotch,” you said without hesitation. 

“I,” he licked his lips. “I could be better.”

“We all could be better at everything, doesn’t mean we’re bad at it.”

Hotch sighed. “You’re right.”

“You’re also… good at sports?”

“Stop.” He chuckled, lowering his head once again. 

You rubbed his back by impulse, and you withdrew it right away as you felt him tense up. Your hand tingled at that brief contact and it burnt when he reached for it and enveloped it with his large hand. Your heart rate skyrocketed and all you could hear was your pulse in your ears (not that any of you was saying anything anymore).

He turned his head to you, adjusting farther back so his back would rest on the couch. Your shoulders touched now, and his hand was still on yours and this time, his thumb caressed your knuckles, and his eyes were stuck on your face. 

The urge to kiss him was flush against your skin. 

“You should go home,” he said, swallowing thickly. “It’s late.”

“Yeah,” you licked your lips. “I really should.”

He let go of your hand and with the same one, you caressed the side of his head where a few satly strands of hair were gloriously shining. You put the short pieces behind his ear and cradled his face. You held your breath. What the hell were you doing? 

A pained frown took over his face and he shut his eyes for a second. You wanted to kiss the frown away so you leaned, kissing his cheek. He tilted his face until the tip of your nose was touching his. 

His shaky breath ghosted your lips. 

Would a kiss on the lips be so bad?

You were closing the gap before you thought about the answer. Your lips touched—a soft peck—and there was barely a sound when you pulled away.

“I’m sorry I”— You placed your fingers over your lips right away.

Hotch wasn’t giving you any signs of anything at all and panic began to take over you. 

God, what have you done?

Your name came out of his mouth in a whisper filled with longing. He was leaning closer. He studied your face from up close as he paused. His nostrils flared and he licked his bottom lip before going for a kiss. Just as tender as yours. 

At first.

One of his hands found a spot on the side of your thigh while the other went to the back of your neck, bringing you closer and allowing the kiss to intensify. His chin scraped yours with his barely noticeable beard and his lips were gentle despite his sudden urge. 

Nothing could’ve prepared you for this—him kissing you back or reciprocating any sign of affection. But he was, and he was getting so into it his tongue was already teasing yours. 

A small moan escaped you when he opened his mouth a bit more. Your breathing quickened with each kiss and when your tongues finally tangled together, you lost it. 

“C’mere.” He murmured against your lips.

You hopped on his lap and gave yourself in. You wrapped your arms around his neck tight and pressed your hips down. It became sloppy with each kiss already and only heavy breathing filled the room. His heavy breathing. 

He was so needy for you.

This wasn’t how you expected your night to go, but you were ecstatic. No matter how far this went, it already was much better than your bathtub. 

You let go of his lips for a second. You needed to catch some air. 

“Aaron.” 

You’d never called him by his first name. Never, and right then you wished you’d done it sooner. It seemed to have awakened something in him. He groaned into another kiss and grabbed your hips tightly, encouraging you to move them. 

He liked it. He loved it. 

You obeyed, grinding him and going back for another kiss. His hands were still shy, hesitantly resting at the curves of your hips. You pressed your hips down. His hard bulge was right there. You couldn’t help but bite his bottom lip, cupping his face harshly with both hands as if he could go anywhere. He was a prisoner of your body; you had him caged with your legs and arms and he didn’t seem to mind at all. 

His hands raked down your curves, lower on either side of your hips and slowly traveled down, cupping your ass and guiding you back and forth. 

Hotch’s lap was heaven on earth. 

You moaned into a wetter kiss, tongues gliding together. You were embarrassingly loud now. He smiled against your lips. 

“Sorry.” You let out a small, embarrassed laugh, pressing your foreheads together.

His chest was heaving in and out as he tried to regulate his breathing. His hands went up to your lower back and he pulled you close into a tight and tender hug. 

A sudden clarity hit you. This shouldn’t have happened. He was your boss for fucks sake. You were sure, that once you came out of his office, you would lose your job. The one you fought so hard for. 

“I… I have to go.” You slid off his lap and stood in front of him, adjusting your skirt. 

He was staring up at you through his dark lashes and you couldn’t look at him without feeling embarrassed. You wiped your lips clean and took a few steps back. 

“I am so sorry this—” You took a few more steps backward on your way to the door and turned all the way, giving him your back.

Hotch stood up, his broad silhouette taking a few steps towards you. He said your name with his deep, deep, oh-so-deep voice as your hand touched the knob. He was right behind you now, his torso glued to your back and his arms wrapped around your waist. 

You shut your eyes as he inhaled your hair.

You locked the door.  

“Are you sure?” he murmured next to your ear. 

All you could do was nod. 

He flipped you around by your hips, capturing your mouth, body, and soul. This time he groaned like an animal, hungry for you. God, he was desperate and your entire body fluttered. Your knees when weak right when he scooped you by your thighs and walked with you towards his desk, plopping you there while knocking everything down with one hand. 

No words were necessary. His hands talked for him and the kiss was never-ending. You were a fucking mess already. You were at his will, so open to let him do anything he wanted with you. 

To you. 

The air was getting hotter and the layers of clothes began to bother you. His body heat and breath were to blame. He was everywhere. 

He sneaked one hand in between your legs and gripped your inner thigh, his thick fingers sinking into your flesh. You squirmed over the wood, encouraging him to go a little higher. He did, the tip of his fingers ghosting your panties. They were damp with your arousal already (you’d felt it leak through you when you were kissing on the couch), and by the way he smiled, he could feel it. He lifted your skirt up to your waist and pressed himself onto you, his erection finding your cunt like a magnet. He cursed under his breath, looking down at where your bodies touched the most. But not quite. 

You wanted to touch him, feel how hard he was. You palmed his thick bulge and gulped. Your mouth went dry as you began to massage the outline of his erection while making eye contact, tugging your bottom lip between your teeth. 

“You’re driving me crazy,” he whispered. 

There were so many clothes in the way, making it hard to focus but then he grabbed your jaw and looked into your eyes and whatever was about to come, was the best thing that would ever happen to you.

He sneaked his fingers from the side of your panties, the wet sound of your arousal against his fingers was embarrassing. But it made him drop his head to your shoulder. He cursed again and began to massage you, spreading your arousal all over with his thick fingers. Your cunt clenched, desperate to have him inside you. You cursed under your breath with pleasure as his fingers found your wet entrance. He made circular motions without entering, teasing you. 

He was driving you insane, too.  

“Hotch,” you murmured, I need you, you wanted to say, but he shushed you. Gently. Tenderly. Shushed you with an open-mouth kiss. 

You whimpered against his mouth and with clumsy hands, undid his belt and unbuttoned his pants, sneaking your hand inside to touch his length. Finally. You whined again at that first touch. His skin was burning.

“Would you fuck me?” you whispered, wrapping your fingers around his length. They barely covered him. 

“Of course, sweetheart. Just give me a minute. Let me feel you.”

He moved his fingers up and down between your wet folds, feeling you as he’d said. He knew exactly what he was doing, he was skilled, gentle and put the perfect amount of pressure.

But you were growing desperate. 

“Please, Hotch.”

He didn’t give you any warning and in one fell swoop, he had his length out. Fuck. His cock stood on its own—thick and long—so close to your cunt. The tip glistened with his arousal. 

“Scoot to the edge,” he ordered. 

You did as he said and he lined himself at your entrance and barely pushed the head inside. You both let out a quiet moan at the same time.

God, it felt good. He felt good. You both looked down and watched as he slowly entered, inch by inch until he was all the way inside. He looked at you then and you lost it. 

Aaron Hotchner was fucking you. Aaron Hotchner, whom you admired and respected. Aaron Hotchner, the man who has been messing with your head these past few months. 

This was an eye-opening experience. Paradise on earth. How have you gone so many years without him? New feelings were brewing in your chest with each thrust, each stare, and each kiss. 

You gripped the back of his head and pulled him closer as he began to move, rocking his hips back and forth. You’d milked his dark and thick curls with your arousal already, making each slam sticky to your skin. 

His cock was exquisite, spreading you open and reaching every right spot. 

“You feel so good, fuck, fuck, fuck.” You couldn’t resist. 

He kept fucking you until your butt went numb, you needed to finish but you didn’t want this to end. Ever

You showed your discomfort by adjusting over the desk.

Bend over, he whispered on your lips. 

He kissed you one last time before you hopped off the desk and obeyed, bending over his desk and glancing at him over your shoulder, ready to take him. He squeezed your ass with both hands and lined himself again. He teased you, pulling it out and moving it up and down. You let out a needy hum, wiggling your ass, begging for his cock.

He entered again and this time, he was ruthless. He slammed into you, hard. Then again. And again. Over and over until the only sound in the room was the clash of skin against skin. You had to muffle your moans—and smile—by biting your forearm. 

Fuck, fuck, fuck. God, Aaron Hotchener fucked good. So good you were seeing stars already and so close to grazing the sky. 

He bent down too for a moment just to bring you up close into a hug. “Come here.” You already knew he liked having you close.

He sneaked one hand from the front and massaged your clit as his thrust became sloppy. You threw your head back to his shoulder, and he captured the underside of your chin between his teeth. 

This was it. The beginning of an addiction you never wanted to rid yourself of.

There were a few more slams before he came. Hard. He was a vocal man. Grunting and groaning and cursing quietly as his cock twitched inside you. 

Your legs were shaking, and if it wasn’t because he was holding you, you were sure you would’ve fallen to your knees. And he didn’t let go of you for a moment, his cock still inside you. 

You needed to know what he was thinking, see his face. 

You took a sharp breath to speak, but he slipped his cock out and you gasped. His cum dripped down.

“Sorry,” he murmured and was quick to clean you with a tissue. 

You finally turned around and caught a look on his face you hadn’t seen before. It wasn’t guilt. It wasn’t disappointment. But it wasn’t a positive thing. 

“This“—he began, buttoning his pants—“changes everything.” He glared at you. 

You adjusted your skirt and pressed your lips together. “I know.” 

“And it can’t happen ever again.” Your heart dropped to your stomach for a second as he added, “Not here.” A faint smirk tugged at the corner of his lip

You pressed your lips together, hiding a smile.  

“Yes, sir. Won’t happen again.” You walked up to him, placing your palm flat over his chest. His heart was still racing. “Not here.”

You kissed him, and he kissed you back.

“Should we, uh, leave together?” you asked, licking your lips.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea.” He caressed your cheek with his thumb. “You can leave first.”

“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow, then.” 

“See you tomorrow.” He nodded and stole another kiss before you left.

You walked out of the building so put together as if nothing had happened, and kept a straight face until you were inside your car.

“Holy fuck,” you laughed; squealed, almost.

That really happened. You covered your face with both hands trying to come back to earth. 

You decided to drive off before Hotch appeared in the parking lot, or else you wouldn’t resist taking him right there all over again. You replayed what had happened in your head the entire drive and as soon as you made it home, he texted you. 

I hope you know this isn’t something casual or unimportant to me. 

You smiled. You loved that he couldn’t hide his professionalism when texting. 

I know, you texted back, for me either. Believe me

Good, he replied.

Goodnight, Hotch. I’ll see you tomorrow.

Tomorrow came and from the moment you laid eyes on each other, you agreed: no one could know about it. 

He explained to you, when no one was around, how relationships within the bureau had a reputation. It would’ve been different if he was at the same level as you, but since he was your superior, it wouldn’t be well seen. 

So this being a secret was more for him than for you, but you didn’t mind. It was such a rush. The whole forbidden thing did something to you, which caused you to be horny at work more than once. 

But he made up for it when you saw each other at his place or yours. 

There, it was different. You allowed yourself to be softer and he didn’t hold back any kiss or touch. His affection confused you, though, since the talk hadn’t come up yet. The ‘what are we?’ talk, and you didn’t want to be the girl who asked that after the second date.

There was sex—lots of it—, there were dinners, movie nights, and everything couples did, so it made sense if you asked, but you didn’t. You didn’t want to spoil the magic. 

Because it was magical, your lives took an awful turn when you got your hearts broken and you both were right at the curve to meet each other. He’d been there, in front of you this whole time and a fragment of you glued back together every time he stared into your eyes while nothing was said. While he caressed your face and kissed you just because he wanted to. He managed to heal you between the lines, with subtle words that’d get stuck at the back of your mind. 

And the more you two met outside work—whether it was at his place or yours, his bed, or a fancy hotel room—your feelings for him intensified. 

They were worse on nights like these, when you found yourself tangled between sheets with him after sex, talking about anything and everything. 

He often had an expression of everlasting love. 

At least, you liked to think that way. 

“What are you thinking?” He asked you with that glimmer in his eyes.

You sucked in a breath and brushed the front pieces of his hair with your fingers. “Did you get Morgan’s wedding invitation?”

You don’t know why, but he laughed. “I did, yes.”

“I think we should bring a date.”

“Why?”

“We have a plus one and… I don’t know. I’m gonna be wearing a dress so for your sake, I should have a date. That isn’t you.”

“Oh, really?” He teased, placing a kiss on your ear. 

“This is inappropriate, Agent Hotchner, I’m your subordinate.” You laughed. You were ticklish there.

“Not when you’re in my bed.” He adjusted himself on top of you, lowering to kiss you. “And don’t pretend you don’t love it.”

You laughed again. 

You loved it.

Loved him. 

I hope you liked it!!! I’d love to hear your thoughts about it too!🤭❤️‍🔥

#I’m so excited for this one pls don’t let it flop #aaron hotchner #aaron hotchner x reader #aaron hotchner x you #aaron hotchner x female reader #aaron hotchner fanfiction #aaron hotchner imagine #aaron hotchner smut #aaron hotchner one shot #aaron hotchner fic

[queerpumpkinnn]

Stain (Part Five)

5.3k words

In which Sirius realizes he loves you in a different way than the other Marauders.

Part One - Part Two - Part Three - Part Four - Part Five - Part Six coming soon!

Summary: You and Sirius have made up, so then why do you still feel like shit?

Pairing: Sirius Black x bestfriend!reader

Warnings: Brief implications of queerphobia, mentions of abuse (Sirius' parents), Sirius picks his nails and they bleed, panic attack, talk of running away, Sirius has hickeys, allusions to sex, let me know if I missed anything!

While reading, I recommend you listen to secret hiding spot kinda love - a Spotify playlist by me!

~

"I'm sorry, what?"

Then followed a theatrical eye roll from James from the nth time. "Sirius?"

The boy in question gave you a look. You sighed. You definitely didn't look down at your shoes as soon as his eyes met yours.

James' latest plot for a prank was outstanding, such was his trademark. And as usual, it required the group to book it in all other directions as soon as possible, avoiding any disciplinary figures aiming to catch you. Naturally, you'd get caught eventually. But in running and hiding you were no doubt going to get stuck hiding with Sirius. It had become an unspoken rule that you two stuck together, because somehow, you two always found the perfect hiding spot. A broom closet or empty classroom you didn't recognize always made itself known to you, no matter where you were in the castle. It had become a running joke in fifth year and had become the norm ever since.

But hiding had brewed history between the two of you as of late. At some point in the beginning of the year it had become an intimate secret, a tiny home for the two of you to sneak out of class to make out in. When you'd attained a boyfriend (that wasn't him), you'd avoided prank playing for as long as you could. You knew Sirius wouldn't try anything. He was still timid around you even weeks after making up.

But still, the thought of going back to the room that had been yours, it made your stomach turn to rocks. It didn't feel right now to go back to an intimate place with the person who had made it so when he was now, for the first time in your friendship, held behind boundaries. You didn't know who'd set them, you didn't even know what they were, but suddenly certain places and inside jokes and terms of endearment felt impossible. So when James had caught you and roped you into his latest scheme, you'd heaved a sigh and popped a squat, an uneasy feeling stirring your guts.

Sirius was still staring at you. By the shape his brows were taking you knew he was understanding of your hesitancy. But you gave a small huff, standing.

"Never mind. I'm in, what's the plan?"

And just like that, you found yourself in the very situation you'd dreaded. Frantic footsteps echoed off of towering stone ceilings, a cackling Peeves swooping around chandeliers, no doubt to stir up the mayhem the Marauders and you had just set off.

"Damn it, hurry!" Sirius grunted, grabbing your hand to tug you along. If you weren't already breathless from the sprint your gasp would have held more meaning. His touch sent sparks up your arm, tingling your chest. It didn't use to do that.

A sharp turn jerked you, almost losing your footing if not for the just as sudden stop in front of a small wooden door you recognized all too well. Here you went.

Sirius swung the door open, slipping himself into the closet that seemed scarily small before tugging you inside. His arm reached over you to yank the door, stopping just before it closed and gently shutting it, breathing soft sigh when the knob clicked.

Meanwhile you were about to lose your mind. His face was inches away, cheek tinted pink from running, tiny sparkles in the dim light scattered across his cheekbone. A stray lock tickled your nose. Pretty grey eyes darting back and forth, fixated on what he could see in the tiny crack in the wood. His scent overwhelmed your senses, something indescribable but so familiar and so Sirius that, against your understanding, made your heart ache.

He wasn't even touching you. Even in his dedication to lookout he'd made careful sure to maintain some semblance of space. In truth he was scared to touch you. Not because he didn't want to, but because it was you. That cold-hot feeling that had overtaken his hand when he dragged you down the hall just minutes earlier still lingered. Your presence was impossible to ignore, he was now hyper-aware of it whereas it used to feel natural. He wasn't used to actively recognizing you. It used to be like not knowing your own scent because you never didn't smell it. That's how inseparable you two had been. But now everything you did captivated him, a strange cross between feeling like a deer in headlights and under a love spell.

An odd quiet had fallen between the two of you. Sirius had turned to face you at some point; you'd been too deep in thought thinking about him to notice, funnily enough.

Centimeters lie between the two of you, a magnetic feeling buzzing on your skin, thickening the air and freezing you in your spot. You couldn't make yourself turn to keep a look out, but neither could you look him in the eye. Straight at his chest seemed to be the only safe place to point your gaze. Memories raced through your brain, his lips roaming your skin in a way you couldn't dare call anything less than holy, soft touches and quiet laughs whispering around in your head. A bubble of pure home that you could no longer fit in.

Your skin was on fire, fingertips buzzing from anticipation, when you finally, finally looked up at him. Into his eyes that held a storm you were already far lost in. Immediate regret strikes you, not because of him but because it's him. You stumble backwards, a sharp gasp leaving you when he reaches out to steady you. Reaching blindly for the doorknob, you make a run for it, not even pausing to consider you might get caught. The only thing your senses could comprehend was Sirius, as much as the withering logical side of you wanted to reject it, make it not so. As much as you wished the anxiety sparking your veins for some godforsaken reason would subside.

By the grace of some god the hallway was empty, and you took off for your dormitory, huffing under hurried steps. And even when you got there, you kept pacing around the room like a caged animal, hands not knowing what to do with themselves.

Why was he so difficult to be around out of the blue? It was easy to be friends with him before, why not now? Why did you suddenly feel like dying whenever you saw his face? Why was it that a friendship that had endured years of hardships suddenly so fragile?

After a while your body fell victim to the physical exhaustion of your labored breathing and pacing, and you flopped onto the bed, curling up and staring at your toes in deep thought.

Your train of thought was chugging around aimlessly in your skull, and it was making your head ache. You wanted to sleep but God knew it would evade you for a long while, so you attempted to organize whatever sense you had into understanding.

. . .

1971

"Hey!"

You glanced around, wondering if the shout was meant for you. A young boy you'd seen parading around Hogwarts for the better half of the semester came trotting up to you.

He pointed at your hand, resting atop the pages of your textbook. "How did you do that?"

You looked down. Your fingernails were painted a maroon color. "What, my nails?"

"Yeah! How'd you color them?"

"Nail polish." You replied simply.

"You mean you have some here?" His eyes widened in fascination.

You nodded, closing your book.

The boy looked around, as if he were about to tell you a secret. "Can I borrow some?"

You tipped your head, glancing to his fingertips which appeared to be, quite messily, painted black. "Don't you already have some?"

The boy looked down at his hands, then held them up to show you. "No, I had to use a muggle pen. I think Remus called it a Shar-pie." He pronounced the last word slowly. "They don't get the color on as neatly as real polish, and none of the girls want to let me borrow theirs."

You frowned, put your book aside. "Give me one minute." You held up one finger, then scurried up the stairway into your dormitory. Once you'd grabbed the bottle, you stomped back down, ignoring the barks of "quiet down!" from the older years. You held it up in triumph for the boy to see. His face lit up once he saw you extend it to him.

"Wow, thank you!" The boy took the bottle, examining it fondly, almost as if he couldn't believe he was actually holding it. "My name is Sirius, by the way."

"I know," you smiled. "I've seen you and your friends around."

"Oh, yeah. We're the Marauders." Sirius puffed his chest out proudly.

"The Marauders?" You wrinkled your nose. "What kind of a silly name is that?"

"It's not silly!" He shouted, demeanor immediately changing to defensive.

You sense you've hurt his pride. You hold your hands up in defense. "Merlin, okay. I'm sorry."

He relaxes, but still eyes you in judgment. He opens his mouth like he's about to say something, but someone much older and taller than you both comes trotting your way with much importance. You noticed Sirius stow the bottle in his pocket with a surprisingly smooth haste.

"What are you two doing up? It's far too late. Off to bed, both of you!"

"You can't boss me around! You're not a teacher!" Sirius looked up at the older boy with indignance, nose wrinkled up a bit.

"I, Mr. Black, happen to be a Prefect." The boy held his head high, quite literally looking down his nose at Sirius.

Sirius didn't seem to be fazed by the title, but he stuck his tongue out at the Prefect and turned on his heel towards the stairs of the boys' dormitory. Before leaving, however, he whipped around and faced you.

"Thanks." He gave you a cheeky grin, then scampered up the stairs.

. . .

1972

"Hey!"

You glanced around, wondering if the shout was meant for you. Once you saw a familiar, beaming face, you knew it was. Sirius' hair had been cut shorter over the summer, but it still flapped around his head as he bound towards you.

"Sirius!" You yelped as he embraced you, attempting to pick you up, but he wasn't quite so strong. Once he let go, you noticed he was bouncing on the balls of his feet.

"So, did you bring them?"

You patted your satchel. "Yup. All ten colors."

Sirius fist pumped the air, grabbing your hand and yanking you down the hall.

"Where are we going?" You shouted, gripping your bag in hopes it didn't fall off your shoulder.

"Where do you think?"

"Right now?"

"Right now!"

And so you wound up here. Sitting on the floor of a tiny broom closet painting your friend's nails.

"You know, you really ought not use Sharpie if you're going to keep picking your nails."

"It's not like I have my own. And my Mum gets them professionally done so I can't steal hers." Sirius retorted. You hummed, resigned to watching the brush of the polish, this time a peachy color, flow over the bed of his nail. It only slightly failed to wholly cover the still-messy black coloring, which had nudged onto his cuticles and fingertips a bit in the process. His nails were also uneven and very short, enough to look uncomfortable.

"Well, it's done." You tugged out your wand, murmuring a spell. You tapped the color on the boy's nails, confirming that they'd dried properly.

Sirius held them up, examining the job. "They're beautiful, as always." You grinned. Your friend always adored when you painted his nails. They were nothing fancy, but you were glad they made him happy. Sirius put his hands delicately to the ground to push himself up to stand, only to crouch back down to look through the peephole of the broom closet. Once he'd deemed it clear, he stepped out, gesturing for you to follow.

The hallway was a crisp cool, a strange contrast to the bright sunlight outside. Sirius grasped your hand, and you nearly gasped. If a teacher caught two second years holding hands, you thought, you'd surely be expelled for public indecency.

His touch was freezing, but his hold emitted nothing but warmth.

. . .

1975

"Hey!"

You glanced around, wondering if the shout was meant for you. It was James, a friend of Sirius' whom you'd become quite close to.

"Have- huh- have you seen- hah- Sirius?" James was hunched over, hands on his knees, panting as though he'd been doing laps all around the castle.

"No, why?"

"We can't find him anywhere." James wipes a sheen of perspiration from his forehead, taking his glasses off to wipe more from the bridge of his nose.

You stood, making a beeline for the east corridor without saying a word. James doesn't seem to follow, actually sprinting in the opposite direction.

After scaling stairways and crossing corridors, you came upon an unassuming but familiar door. Glancing around, you knock thrice before opening the door.

It was dark, as you expected. Once the door was shut, only faint light from the keyhole illuminated the tiny closet. Curled up into a tiny ball was Sirius Black, most uncharacteristically so. He looked up immediately, almost flinching into himself at the sound of the door clicking shut.

"Sirius?" You sat cross-legged across from him, attempting to give him space even in the crammed room.

"Don't- don't-" Sirius seemed to be gasping for air. You shushed him. "I'm here. Just breathe, don't talk."

Sirius sat, trembling, staring at his hands, willing himself not to pick at them. The red spots around the sides of his nails still stung if he stared long enough.

The time that passed might have been the longest and the most baffling you'd spent up to that point. You opted to stare at your hands, unsure if your stare would make Sirius more anxious. You stole glances at his figure from time to time, and each time it felt like pulling your gaze from a car crash. In all the years you'd known Sirius Orion Black, he always seemed so... indomitable. Like nothing could stop him. But right now he seemed a shell of himself, jumping at every small movement and glancing around wildly.

When the gasps and hiccups and whimpers had passed into soft breathing, Sirius finally looked up at you, chapped lips pressed together.

"Do you want to talk?" You asked softly.

Sirius took in a long breath. "I don't want to go back."

You knew what he meant in an instant. It was nearing summertime. You'd heard Sirius talk about his family many times before. It was times like these that reminded both of you that it was real, that it actually hurt him. He only ever mentioned his home life under the context of a laugh, even if he was the only one laughing. Telling stories about how he got the scar under his chin from the swipe of his mother's claws like it was an old war tale, teasing his younger brother. He always made himself seem unstoppable, even he believed it.

You nodded, reaching a tentative finger out to brush against his fingernail, tiny slivers of paint the remnants of the neon purple he'd picked off.

Sirius' lip twitched. "I'm going to run away."

"Okay." You said simply. You knew Sirius well enough to get that if he had his mind set on something as important as his home, he's immovable. Nor did you blame him.

He looked up, but said nothing, only stared at you with a mixture of surprise and fondness.

"Make sure you visit me, okay?"

Sirius nodded. "Every week. Make up for the lack of owls every summer, eh?"

You smiled. "Do you think you'll be back at Hogwarts next year?"

Sirius clicked his tongue, looking up at the ceiling. "Maybe. I think they'll be glad to see me gone, my parents. They won't come looking for me." The boy looked down at you again, smiling. "And I reckon I'd miss you too much if I didn't."

A tightness in your chest seemed to release; you breathed out. "I'll miss you too."

Sirius takes your hand and squeezes thrice. Then he glances over to your satchel. "Can I get a fresh coat for the road?"

You smiled, pulling your bag into your lap. "What color?"

Sirius thought for a moment. "Maroon."

. . .

August, 1977

The halls of Hogwarts were buzzing with excitement. Most of it was coming from the first years. You'd been coming here for years- but you'd be lying if you said it didn't thrill you to think that you'd be spending the next nine months here.

As you followed the line of students through the corridor, your mind wandered to the previous years and the memories you'd made. Most of them were some variation of parading through the halls with a select four kids that had for some reason adopted you, partially against your will, into their group. You'd grown to love them- James with his idiotic jokes and cheerful spirit, Remus as the wise anchor and appointed mother of the group, Peter as the supportive confidant, and Sirius as the mischievous flirt.

No, there weren't many like the Marauders.

An assault of various, luring scents snapped you out of your trip down memory lane. You now had your attention focused on the warm light bathing the Great Hall from the candles hovering over the four grand tables stretching from one side of the room to another.

After moving up onto your tiptoes to look over the many heads in front of you, it didn't take long for your eyes to find your typical spot towards the end. Remus was already sitting there with his nose buried in a book, so much so that it looked as though there was a mop of unruly chestnut hair growing from the pages.

Just as you began to step towards the table, you were jolted by two hands coming up from behind to rest on either shoulder. You were shocked for about half a second before you opened your mouth to yelp and were met with a familiar scent that you'd come to know belonged to none other than-

"Sirius Orion Black!" You half laughed, half scolded when the head of your attacker peeped out from over your shoulder, mirth-filled eyes meeting yours.

"In the flesh." He grinned, stepping back to fall in line and walk with you. The two of you fell easily into light conversation, witty remarks and laughs tossed back and forth.

In the few moments you'd had to look at him, you were taken aback. He looked different. His hair was longer, brushing against his shoulders and still silky and ad-worthy as always. His skin seemed clearer, eyes brighter despite the bags under them. Something life with the Potters had earned him, you supposed. As you knew from experience, summer days at James' house far surpassed those at Sirius'. But you could still detect the worry under his eyes, in regard to his younger brother, no doubt.

But that was a story for another time. You were safe at Hogwarts, and right now that was enough.

The raven-haired boy and you had found your place at the Gryffindor table, you sitting across from Remus where Sirius opted to sit beside him, ruffling his hair as he walked behind the boy.

Now that you could see Sirius properly (and discreetly), you took a moment to drink him in. Despite having a hair tie around his wrist, his ebony locks still remained free, a few draping over his face and remaining there even after he tucks them behind an ear or blows them away. His eyes were alive as he spoke to Remus, hands moving animatedly to express more dramatically the story he was telling. His teeth, though the light in the room was a warm yellow, were pearly white, and when he smirked wide enough you could see his distinct canines gleam, as though they wanted to show off how surprisingly sharp they were.

Somewhere along the line, Sirius glanced over to you a few times. You thanked Merlin he was already telling a story, so it wasn't unusual for you to be watching him.

"Well, if it isn't three of my favorite people!" The telltale bellow of James Potter sounded a small ways away. You turned your head a bit to notice the bespectacled boy approaching your table, Peter following in his wake in a much less attention-attracting manner.

"Prongs! Haven't seen you since this afternoon!" Sirius laughed, standing and clapping his friend on the back. Peter greeted his friends with a more timid and calm manner, seating himself on the other side of Remus, who seemed to be conflicted between annoyance and happiness.

James plopped rather animatedly beside you, slapping his hands on the table in a way that showed he had something important to say. "Since some of us-" he gave a pointed look to you- "were in a different cabin on the train, I'll give a rundown of this year's festivities."

"Festivities," Remus snorted, resting his cheek in his palm, "that's one way to put it."

James ignored his friend's comment, proceeding to explain in full detail the plan he and Sirius had hatched for a first-night prank. While you knew any idea that popped into the mind of James Potter was sure to land you in detention, you listened, and you had to say it was quite funny.

"This is our year," was the last thing the Chaser was able to say- which he said every year- before being interrupted by the sound of a spoon clinking against a glass abnormally loudly, followed by the voice of the headmaster beginning his routine back to school speech.

You'd heard Dumbledore give this speech many times, so you weren't particularly missing out on anything when your eyes wandered to the boy who'd jump scared you earlier. He was listening, or at least pretending to. His chin was resting on his arms, which were folded on the table, so that his eyes were turned upwards so that he could watch through his eyelashes in a little pout.

Damn.

Wait, huh?

. . .

September, 1977

Though you'd rolled the question around in your head for days, you'd still yet to come to a definite answer. Moreover, the flirting certainly hadn't stopped. The worst part of it was when the you'd been lounging in the boys' dormitory one lazy afternoon. James was busy with Quidditch practice and Remus was in the library so that left you, Sirius, and Peter.

You couldn't recall ever having wishing Peter to leave so insistently.

"The hell is my Honeydukes bag? Could've sworn I had it..." Sirius was rummaging through his impossibly unorganized nightstand, searching for the bag of sweets he always kept stashed in the top drawer.

"Prongs finished off the last of it, mate." Peter said with an apologetic look.

Sirius gave a dramatic groan, slamming the drawer shut. "Going to wring his dumb neck."

"If you want something sweet I'm sure the house elves would fix something." You offered.

Sirius flopped back onto the bed. "But that's so far."

Peter jumped to his feet. "I can get it for you!"

Sirius draped his arm over his eyes. "Thanks, Wormy."

Peter scurried out the door, leaving the two of you alone. Despite the nonchalance with which Sirius always carried himself, he had become intensely more aware of your presence. The two of you were the best of friends, and that would never change, but why did he feel nervous?

"What d'you suppose he's so eager for?"

Sirius shrugged, sitting up. "Probably guilty because he finished it off with James 'n doesn't wanna say it."

You hummed, uncrossing your legs when one foot had fallen asleep, and flopped back onto the bed.

What you hadn't expected was for Sirius to lean over and place a hand beside your shoulder, caging you in under him. Strands of his hair fell from behind his ear, shading his face. His eyes gleamed with amusement and radiated lust that you weren't sure was genuine or humorous.

"Hey."

"Hi." You weren't sure what to say to that. He seemed to just be admiring you, but why would he do that? You'd never seen him do that before.

"What time are you due at the library?"

You didn't know what to expect, but that certainly wasn't one of your guesses. It took you a moment to process before you answered, "Four thirty."

"Ah, good. Get you all to m'self for a bit." Sirius propped himself up on his elbows, hair now tickling your forehead and face extremely close to yours. You sincerely hoped your face wasn't tomato red as his eyes drank you in.

"Y'alright?" There was sincerity and genuine concern in his tone. Had he gone too far?

"Yeah. Just watching you."

"Oh?" Sirius cocked a brow.

"Mhm. Seeing what you're doing." Your eyes were stuck on his lips. He had damn nice looking lips, you'd learned over the past few days, and they looked even nicer up close. Tempting, even.

"And what am I doing, exactly?"

You weren't sure when this had crossed the line of comedy and become genuine flirting, or at least that's what it felt like to you, but Christ was it different when he was doing it to you. You'd seen him flirt with classmates before, but having his gaze trained on you, his voice low, his entire attention on you was exhilarating. You liked it.

The question seemed to have gotten lost somewhere in the air as the two of you simply stared at each other, eyes going from eyes to pink cheeks to lips. You could have sworn he was leaning in.

What was unmistakable was the hand shifting from the bed to your jawline. It was surreal, like you'd stumbled into a dream. Somewhere along the line you learned you'd fallen asleep, and somewhere along the line you realized you liked this dream.

You liked it very much.

. . .

October, 1977

There he was in the common room, sat on the couch in front of the fire, with you under his arm reading a book, nobody else around, and he still hadn't made a move. His fingers were playing with your hair, while his free hand held a cookie from the plate of sweets sitting on the table beside him.

"Alright, I ought to stop here before I fall down a rabbit hole that costs me my nights' sleep." You pulled the bookmark into the seam and closed your book, heaving yourself up and placing the novel in your bag.

"Aw, must you go?" Sirius false pouted, standing up as well.

"Yes, I must. I’m tired.” You smiled at him wearily, but he didn’t seem to be having it. He stood face to face with you, towering over you with that same closeness that had your breath hitching in your throat.

“Kiss goodnight?”

He wasn’t backing away. He was just staring at you with those goddamn eyes that taunted you and frustrated you and intoxicated you all at once. He wore his telltale smirk, though it was softened.

“Sure,” you finally said, though your heart could have tore through your ribcage at that.

Sirius hooked a finger under your chin, thumb on your chin to pull you forwards. Your blood was pounding in your ears.

Until he stopped suddenly, giving a soft chuckle before stepping away.

“Shame, then.” He smirked.

Oh, no he didn’t. Just as he was turning to leave you dumbfounded and breathless, you grabbed his tie and pulled him forward to kiss you before he had the chance. Teeth knocked and breath was knocked out of lungs, but he responded quickly, hands moving to cup your face. It was oddly gentle, the way he was holding you. Your free hand went to his shoulder, clutching him towards you. Thoughts escaped you in the moment, your focus locked on Sirius’ practiced mouth working on yours, his tongue slipping in your mouth and finding yours.

Sirius held with with a surprising softness, despite his obvious and overwhelming need for you. His hands trailed gently from your cheeks to your shoulders, down to the waist.

Suddenly it hit you. You weren't sure why, but his hands on your waist ignited a thought in you.

You were making out with your best friend.

You liked it. So damn much.

. . .

October, 1977

"Still think the flirting meant nothing?" Remus cocked a brow, smiling.

"Well now I don't think it's nothing." You threw your hands up incredulously.

"Fair. How do you feel about him flirting with you?"

"I like it." You blurted, perhaps a little too quickly.

"Then flirt back."

"But he's my friend, Moony, I can't. If I play it off as a joke he'll start taking it that way and we can just stay friends without having to worry about any tension or drama."

"Is that what you want?"

You opened your mouth, then closed it again. You chewed your lip.

"Do you want my advice?"

You nodded.

"I'd advise you to test it out while it's still early. Go for it now before you get emotionally attached to him."

"I just said he's my friend," you rolled your eyes, "I'm already emotionally attached to him."

"I meant in a romantic way." He said evenly, undeterred by your attitude. "If I know Sirius, he knows how to act casual. He's your best friend, he's not going to stop talking to you or anything."

"How do you know?"

"Because I've seen him behave that way with his previous, ahem, playmates. He's a heartthrob, not a heartbreaker." Remus noted the change in your expression, and added, "no, he is not involved with anyone else as far as I know."

You sighed, slumping back in your chair.

What harm could it do?

. . .

October, 1977

The quiet was something exceedingly rare when you were close to Sirius, but you relished in it now. Time didn't exist in scenes like this, everything just was.

The dormitory was quiet, the other Gryffindor boys in Sirius' year nowhere to be found. Sirius' head was resting in your lap, his eyes closed. His lashes twitched over his cheeks softly, and the only sound was his soft snores.

You glanced over at his neck, where splotches of various color were littered over his fair skin. Courtesy of you, of course; you touched a finger over one of them delicately, smiling to yourself. A remainder of events that had taken place just before breakfast that same day.

You and Sirius had never gone below the belt, not that you hadn't teased the line. He always made sure he stayed with you after your endeavors, a courtesy you appreciated deeply; one thing you knew for certain about Sirius, was that if he loved someone, they knew it.

And you knew it.

. . .

Present day

You couldn't track just when you had begun to question your relationship with Sirius. You sighed, resting an arm over your eyes.

Memories racked your brain. Sneaking around in that damn broom closet that seemed to follow you around- a godsend then, a haunting now. How the memory of Sirius always seemed to follow you around, a stain you kept finding on all of your favorite clothes. The irony of Remus' joking warning, "don't catch feelings".

You tired of circling around each other. You tired of not having him. Not in the way you used to, not in the way he wanted to, and now, you did too.

After much fighting against the notion you'd now come to terms with, one thought and one thought alone lay with you as you finally found sleep.

You loved him too, damn it.

~

@planets-and-stars @ourheartsofsteel @canthavetoomuchcoffee @shadowbriar

Part One - Part Two - Part Three - Part Four - Part Five - Part Six coming soon!

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#sirius black #marauders era #marauders #sirius black x reader #harry potter #sirius black x you #sirius black fanfiction #sirius black imagine #sirius black angst #sirius black x reader fluff #sirius black x y/n #peter pettigrew #the marauders #harry potter marauders #stain series

[campbyler]

the perks of being european: u can start ur day with beautiful new 30k chapter 🙏🏻♥️

i admire everyone who read this chapter in less than an hour. u guys r insane. it took me like 2,5 hours to read it but i have to stop to scream into my pillow.

mike and will r so.. idek how to describe them. scared? they r not stupid cause in both povs we see that they realize that their dynamic has shifted.

like will observed in the vending machine scene their kisses became more soft? romantic? u can tell that they r not just attracted to each other physically they really like to spend time together.

the stargazing, the hand holding, the longing stares omg. i get why mike wouldn't go further. even if those feelings aren’t new the circumstances r and it Is scary considering their complicated history. (unrelated but i hope history by 1d is on the master playlist 😭)

we actually got to see that mike feels the same when he got upset that will said the “wither away” thing. that so like their pre isolation cabin selfs - insults each other just to control the urge to start making out 😭 glad that will didn’t control it this time and i can bark cause of kissing shoulder scene.

poor will almost had a stroke cause of mikes edward cullenofication And his best friend only made it worst with her deductive skills. but i think max dropped this conversation too fast. i have a feeling that it will come out after some time. it must be so scary for will to open up like that especially, if i remember correctly, nobody really knows what actually happened between he and mike. also “i don't wanna keep secrets just to keep u”.

i loved el and her dedication to all the good stuff she can eat. i bet she’d murder that one poor little camper who would take the last pancake 💔

and i Really liked that little dad son bonding moment. van camping doesn’t sound that bad for me will!!! at least u don’t have to sleep outside 😭

“twenty stitches in a hospital room” and it actually two band-aids in the middle of the forest. at least we know that poor mike won’t get a gangrene 💔

will feeling better when he’s around mike even if he does such an unpleasant thing as wilderness week. what if i die?

“Really – now that the beast has been vanquished, what’s the worst that could happen?” the phrase after which nothing never goes wrong 🙏🏻 im not scared at all 🙏🏻

i also have a question about chapter playlist. how do u guys choose song for each chapter? does the person who write this chapter does all by themself? or u brainstorm the best songs from the master playlist altogether? have u ever added the song to the chapter playlist even if it wasn’t in the main one?

thank u for the chapter suni! i hope ur feeling better and im giving u ur favorite soup 🫂

sorry for such messy comment it turned out so long and i feel like i didn’t write the half of the things i thought about 😭

hi alya! sorry it took me one million years to answer this ask but it was so thoughtful and thorough that i wanted to wait until i had the time to do it justice with the response 🫡🫡

first, i am sooooo so glad you liked chapter 7 because it was insanely fun for me to write! really enjoyed writing it and their shifting dynamic and i’m super glad that came through! you’re so right in saying that neither of them is stupid enough to Not notice how things are changing between them, and they both are definitely coming to terms with the realization that they do enjoy each other’s company in a way that is more than just physical. i think for meeee one of the most fun things abt this chapter was writing the different ways they approached that realization, especially from will’s pov. the feelings definitely are not new for either of them, which i think is pretty obvious by this point in the fic, but both of them are used to turbulence and are anticipating that and don’t really know what to do without it! super glad you picked up on mike’s hesitation as well — i think people tend to characterize our mike as “all in” or a lot more open about his feelings than will is, which is true to an extent, but he has his limitations just as much as will does and maybe even more at times.

anyways all that to say that i’m really glad that the chapter came through the way i was intending! the other parts of it were so fun to write as well — the hopper and will moment, el and max, so on and so forth. re max: it definitely is very hard for will to say the things he’s feeling to her, and battling with not wanting to keep such a big secret from his best friend vs not wanting to betray the newfound trust between him and mike is absolutely something he has been struggling with. very excited to see how that plays out hehe ( <- knows exactly how it will play out)

as for your last question, we have a couple initial songs for every chapter that have been in the playlist doc for a while, usually the “main” song for that chapter, but it’s pretty much up to whoever is writing to choose the rest of the songs and move them around/add and remove as desired! we try to keep it about 5-6 songs per chapter to keep the playlist from getting monstrous (bar some very Long and Dense chapters that are getting more) but what we do is we assemble the chapter playlist as we write and then let the others know in case there is a song that someone thinks doesn’t fit or has a better suggestion for. we’ve absolutely added songs that aren’t in the master playlist before, especially ones we stumble across and realize would be perfect for a chapter.

so sorry for taking forever to answer this and then writing an absolute essay in this response 😭 thanks soooo much for the love alya we appreciate you sm 🫶🏽🫶🏽

#asks #ch07 #acswy spoilers

[respectthepetty]

when you get this you have to answer with 5 of ur fav songs and then tag your mutuals to do the same, but as usual, I'm tagging nobody, and I'm gonna do what I want.

5 Colorful Songs!

tagged by @wen-kexing-apologist who had a pretty good playlist!

Note: Yellow is my favorite color; therefore, Coldplay's "Yellow" could not be considered. It's not fair to these other songs that they aren't about yellow.

AFI - Girl's Not Grey

Lead singer, Davey Havok, is everything to me. He looks good with any hairstyle and at any age, and the way he performs gender is amazing. I've seen AFI several times, but my favorite was when they were on tour with 30 Seconds to Mars and Linkin' Park. I caught the tour at the Dallas stop, and AFI was the opener. As much as everyone loves "Miss Murder," I'm strictly a "Girl's Not Grey" screamer because this music video is forever embedded in my head and my heart.

New Order - Blue Monday

No style of music hits me harder than 80s synth-pop, and any version of this song is a win in my book. The juxtaposition is what makes it one of my favorites because it gives us over two minutes of the best dance beats in the intro only to hit us with the lyric "How does it feel? To treat me like you do?" then proceeds to make us dance to five more minutes of the singer lamenting about an abusive relationship. It's a bop!

NENA - 99 Red Balloons

The 80s + dance songs about horrible shit = my eternal love. This song was originally in German then an English version came out, and everyone was dancing to a song about nuclear war. It was about a girl releasing balloons and because the government couldn't identity the objects, they shot them down, which caused a domino effect of other countries releasing bombs, but in the end, the girl stands in the rumble releasing one final balloon. It's a song about war, destruction, and hope. God, I love it.

Goldfrapp - Ride a White Horse

Most people know this duo for their 2003 hit "Strict Machine" which is a song about control, machines, and, of course, sex, so know that is very on brand for the band. They came out with "Ooh La La" which was about wanting sex without romance, and "Ride a White Horse" could be referring to drugs, but it wouldn't be a stretch to think it's about sex too, especially since the color white aligns with purity and innocence, yet the lead singer is doing the dirtiest things in the music video, so yeah, sex is my final answer.

Amy Winehouse - Back to Black

This song is about Nas. Winehouse is singing about American rapper Nas! She wrote other songs about him such as "Me & Mr. Jones" and "In My Bed" which he confirmed, but in a way that merely states Amy liked listening to his music, which seems like a bold lie because like all of her songs, it hits at the core of her emotions. The lyric "I died a hundred times" just ain't about sadness, you know? But that's why I love this song. It has a history. She is exposing a secret while keeping it close to her chest. She was sharing her whole life but being guarded. It was beautiful! It still is.

Bonus: Purple Disco Machine - Male Stripper

German Grammy-award winning DJ Purple Disco Machine knows his audience is queer and creates sets he knows will resonant with that audience. I have seen him at Electric Daisy Carnival in Las Vegas, Nevada, Red Rocks in Denver, Colorado, and a club in Koln, Germany and each time he delivered queer dance floor icons like Sylvester and Scissor Sisters' Jake Shears to the masses, so I'm going to keep showing up to his sets because I know it'll be a good time for me and all the disco queers.

#tag game #I love music #five favorite colorful songs #I always cheat my way through these #thanks for the tag! #Youtube

[wordsinhaled]

our own history » an ineffable husbands playlist

my friends, this playlist is gloriously sappy. there is not an iota of angst in it, i promise. in fact, it is the musical antithesis of angst, the equivalent of crowley and aziraphale having a picnic in the garden at their south downs cottage or enjoying a lusciously indolent, happily married retirement among the stars. it will rot your teeth and make your cheeks hurt from smiling (at least, it does mine). a happy ending in song form. please enjoy and i hope it heals your heart a little <3

01. the new basement tapes » when i get my hands on you 02. sonny cleveland » you've got me running in circles 03. emily king » believer 04. eliza rickman » riches and wonders 05. the magnetic fields » when my boy walks down the street 06. ruby the rabbitfoot » do me right 07. joe hertler and the rainbow seekers » old love 08. may erlewine » days go by 09. sammy rae & the friends » kick it to me 10. rachael and vilray » do friends fall in love? 11. penny and sparrow » don't wanna be without ya 12. madeleine peyroux » dance me to the end of love

lyrics under the cut!

the new basement tapes » when i get my hands on you

when I get my hands on you gonna make you carry me when I get my hands on you gonna make you marry me when I come home to you gonna take you down to the riverside when I come home to you hold you in my arms all night and now you know everywhere on earth you go you're gonna have me as your man

sonny cleveland » you've got me running in circles

oh, can it be that you're here with me? let's start writing our own history

emily king » believer

darling, I know that you could be the enemy leaving flowers at my door and soon you'll be asking for a key don't understand why someone would be so good to me is there something else? something you're trying to achieve? I'm not a believer what I see is usually what I get I'm not a believer but I haven't seen it all yet darling, I know that you must think I'm just a fool I spend my time questioning all the good you do well, I've been around I know that nothing ever comes free so 'fess up now or, darling, forever hold your peace darling, I think I'm going to take a leap of faith they say sometimes something just cannot be explained I've been around I know that nothing ever comes free just give it up and you just might get the best of me

eliza rickman » riches and wonders

we live high / our love gorges on the alcohol we feed it / and it grows all fat and friendly / we have surplus if we need it we hold on as hard as we can / our knuckles are white we write letters to each other / invent secrets to confess to / I learn foreign and exotic terms of endearment / by which to address you we feed fresh fruit to one another / we stay up all night I am healthy, I am whole / but I have poor impulse control / and I want to go home / but I am home we are strong, we are faithful / we are guardians of a rare thing / we pay close, careful attention / to the news the morning air brings / we show great loyalty / to the hard times we've been through we are filled with riches and wonders / our love keeps the things it finds / and we dance like drunken sailors / lost at sea, out of our minds you find shelter somewhere in me / I find great comfort in you / and I keep you safe from harm / you hold me in your arms and I want to go home / but I am home

the magnetic fields » when my boy walks down the street

grand pianos crash together when my boy walks down the street there are whole new kinds of weather when he walks with his new beat everyone sings hallelujah when my boy walks down the street life just kind of dances through ya, from your smile down to your feet amazing - he's a whole new form of life blue eyes blazing and he's going to be my wife the world does the hula-hula when my boy walks down the street butterflies turn into people when my boy walks down the street maybe he should be illegal, he just makes life too complete

ruby the rabbitfoot » do me right

you ain't ever gonna let me down / no, no, no / you got a way of keeping me high / connected with the stars in the sky you said, "go read", I'm like / maps make traps for exactly what you want in your life / 'cause if you don't they will pass you right by / quicker than the pines when you drive but baby, I can tell you what I want / I want you to come over tonight / be my secret lover undercover / rolling thunder through the midnight sky / if you can make it and not break it, I can take it till the sunrise / 'cause oh, oh, oh, oh, baby / you do me right

joe hertler and the rainbow seekers » old love

we met on the battlefield / drank from the ladle by the moon / the blood expanded across the field / like chrysanthemums in bloom / is there really so much to fear when we're all just taking sides? and a promise is a promise / will you finish what you started? / I was born to believe that the change in the leaves could really mean anything, love / I'd cross the mountains and the ocean for ya / just to see you I need that old love / and I'm swimming in the dark (swimming in the dark) / I need that cool love / and I'm frozen from the start (frozen from the start) oh, I strained my eyes to see / but it was dark inside and out / how I long to hear your breath / how I long to hear your sound / I so wish to understand / these pangs of solitude / maybe my soul will bring me peace / will it place me next to you?

may erlewine » days go by

it's the way that you walk in the room your heart is a beacon don't need a reason to love you it's easy to do who knows what time is gonna do all I know is the simple truth I like watching the days go by with you the sunrise found me with you the light hit the window outlined the shadow a picture, the way that you move all of my places now left with a trace of you

sammy rae & the friends » kick it to me

I ain't been singing the blues nearly as much since I been living with you, love me too much and I say - kick it to me, I could make it better for ya kick it to me, I could make you better for it I know we didn’t think that it would turn out you start it off too quick, you’re gonna burn out nowadays we're heading to the same place nowadays we're working at the same pace I'm still here still bright when the night comes still burning, still bright when the night comes I didn’t feel it on the first day but now I got it in the worst way and don’t it feel okay? I get it bad and it gets better every day

rachael & vilray » do friends fall in love?

two friends, two hearts too many nights to count them but tonight was something new and I know you felt it too when we fell into the passion of a kiss oh, say you're mine for all our days to follow as friends we lived before and we'll live evermore together two friends in love

penny & sparrow » don't wanna be without ya

say, what if we reincarnate / and whatever God said, "it's your turn for choosing" / would you rather come back, be born in a circle? / see the oldest garden, the crescent is fertile or would you prefer to see life underwater? / only knowing oceans, have hundreds of daughters / there's a part of hope that is sewn in this theory / give me any species and keep yourself near me make it easy / I don't wanna be without ya / if you start over, can I redo mine too? / anything you become / lemme run beside you held on tight but I fell with you / I could see us being young lovers in a fable / that could be us, it could / over and over, becoming, become

madeleine peyroux » dance me to the end of love

dance me to your beauty with a burning violin dance me through the panic 'til I'm gathered safely in lift me like an olive branch and be my homeward dove dance me to the end of love oh, let me see your beauty when the witnesses are gone let me feel you moving like they do in Babylon show me slowly what I only know the limits of dance me to the end of love dance me to the wedding now, dance me on and on dance me very tenderly and dance me very long we're both of us beneath our love, we're both of us above dance me to the end of love

#good omens #good omens 2 #ineffable husbands #good omens 2 spoilers #only sap sap and more sap to be found here <3

[littleperilstories]

The Prince of Thieves: wip intro

Masterlist | Chapter Titles | Also on A03! | Playlist

The Prince of Thieves is a Robin Hood-inspired tale of two brothers, Will and Jamie Wardrew, and the people they care about most: Geoff, Colette, and Bree.

The goal of Iustitia aecum, the notorious thieving gang, is to steal from the rich and give to the poor. For a few years, that's exactly what Jamie, Will, Colette, and Geoff (as the gang's inner circle) do; they slip through the fingers of the law time and time again.

One day, everything goes wrong.

Will, by a stroke of fateful misfortune, falls into a trap meant for Jamie, the real leader of IA, and ends up in prison—in the custody of Constable Baden Hatchett, an officer who is willing to do whatever it takes to get Will to crack so he can bust IA and bring all its members to justice.

With execution—his brother's and his own—hanging over his head, Will resolves to take his secrets to the grave, swearing not to betray the only family he has left.

Bree Cooper is one of IA's runners, privy to no secrets save for one she learned by chance...that she was never supposed to know. When she, too, falls into the hands of the constabulary, she is forced to reckon with her past—a complicated history with Constable Hatchett himself, and her future—the gallows.

Will and Bree's lives were already intertwined, and when they find each other again behind bars, they will rewrite the stories fate has planned for them—together.

Click here to see some incredible art by @keeper-of-all-the-random-things of the Iustitia aecum tree sigil!!

Cast of Characters

Will Wardrew: Foolhardy, reckless, and immature, his fiery temper and smart mouth get him into trouble constantly—inside and outside the prison walls. Incredibly loving and loyal, he will go to great lengths to protect the people he loves.

Bree Cooper: A girl who suffered enough in childhood to make her tough and wary as an adult, Bree thinks with her heart. Stubborn to a fault, she clings to hope above all other things.

Baden Hatchett: Cold-hearted, prideful, and cruel, Baden Hatchett wants nothing more than to take IA down. Will and Bree's constant defiance and refusal to comply with his investigation spur him to more brutal methods so he can claim his victory.

Jamie Wardrew: A strong sense of justice and an unwillingness to witness people’s suffering prompted him to become a Robin Hood figure so he could help others, but now that it is his younger brother paying the price, his world is starting to unravel.

Colette Haris: A rich girl who walked away from her family and her home, Colette is self-assured and strong. She is the other half of the 'brains' of IA (while Geoff makes up the 'brawn').

Geoffrey Marks: The epitome of 'strong and silent,' Geoff has spent much of his life on his own and scrounging for survival, which makes him good at an unnerving number of suspicious and useful skills. Observant and deceptively gentle, he would do anything for Jamie, and by extension, Will. He is also the tallest person you have ever seen.

What You'll Find Inside

angst

lots of fun whump: flogging, stabbing, burning, psychological and emotional torment, fun insults, tons of defiance (especially early on), so many chains and shackles - warnings always provided

found family

lovable dummies for characters

badass gals and guys

dungeon vibes

tragic backstories / rough childhoods

problematic authority figures

old-timey historic vibes

sloooooooooow burn romantic feelings

"I'd do anything for you"

"why did you save me?"

"I won't give in, so you'll just have to kill me"

hard choices

complicated pasts

secrets, betrayal, forgiveness

silly easter eggs/references to: Robin Hood, Les Miserables, Aladdin

here's the old mood boards!

#wip intro #my wip #my writing #lps the prince of thieves #whump #whump writing #whump story #whumpblr #writeblr #original story #original content #original characters #writeblr connect #original writing #Will Wardrew is a snarky little sh*t #Jamie Wardrew is too tired for this #Bree Cooper just wants to live her life #Baden Hatch-fucking-ett #Hatch-bitch #the IA boys would be nothing without Colette #Geoff makes a damn good cup of tea #lps-birthday #lady whump #prison whump #dungeon whump #male whump #whump fiction #original fiction

[morrisxn02]

{HARRIS DICKINSON, 21, MALE, HE/HIM} Is that EDWARD MORRISON? A JUNIOR originally from MANHATTAN. They’re THE PROUD ELITE on campus, but even they could get blamed for Greer’s disappearance. 

tl;dr: eddie responsible, pragmatic, methodic but he is also frustrated that he still hasn’t found his path in life and is too scared to live life the way he wants to without disappointing his family. i feel like, right now, he’s at this crossroads where he wants to be young and find his path and have fun, but he is too scared this will put all the great things he has in jeopardy.

-– the basics:

full name: edward rufus morrison nicknames: ed, eddie, rufus (if you want to annoy him) + whatever your muse desires age: 21 birthday: march 13th, 2002 birthplace: new york city, new york major: computer science + literature gender: cisgender male sexuality: bisexual

stats - pinterest board - playlist - wanted connections

multimedia character inspirations:

henry winter (the secret history), dickie greenleaf (ripley - 2024), julian fromme (these violent delights), art donaldson (challengers), declan lynch and richard gansey iii (the raven cycle/the dreamer trilogy), kendall and shiv roy (succession), logan dellos (westworld), nate archibald (gossip girl), mahdi (blocco 181)

background:

middle child of the morrison family;

grew up as the family's perfect little golden boy;

his parents always deposited in him the expectations of one day taking on the family business;

was always sort of a conflict mediator at home, which is one of the reasons why his parents love him so much;

always enjoyed reading and studying;

didn't have any big issues growing up aside from sporadic ideological conflicts with his parents;

spent a year in france as a part of an exchange program in high school;

personality:

kind of nihilistic;

matured way too early so he kind of just wants to be young and dumb for a while but will not allow himself to be happy bc he feels like being his dad's ideal of a man is more important;

very creative and artistic;

on the outside he's a conformist, on the inside he's super liberal. he refrains from dabbling in politics, though bc as aware as he can be abt his privilege, he would never give up the nice things he has;

roy-siblings coded: he will do anything to impress an unloving parent because there's no drug more powerful than parental validation

can be very practical when he needs to be, but is usually very much the opposite

he is very VERY lost in life, very frustrated, very unhappy, thinks he's trowing his life away and regrets like 75% of his life choices;

he can be a bit selfish and narcissistic;

thinks he's smarter than everyone;

cannot muster up the courage to confront his family about anything so he can often be found looking forlornly at the horizon wondering abt everything his life could have been;

headcanons

fatally allergic to hornets. he WILL die if he gets stung

loves videogames;

kind of an art/history nerd;

annoying film-bro that carries a mubi tote around and has a criterion channel subscription (also hit him up if you want to borrow any criterion collective exclusive releases);

would have been an actor in another life. LOVES shakespeare;

eddie is kind of closeted with his bisexuality, mostly bc he feels like his parents might start looking at him differently (a few ppl know and he doesn't make a point of hiding it but he won't openly label himself as queer, it's a weird thing but you know where i'm going with this right)

also LOVES winter sports like and is an amazing tennis player but doesn't care much about other sports;

mildly near-sighed

slightly allergic to polyester (as per a collective gc decision lmao)

other tropes: princely young man, gentleman snarker, byronic hero.

RELATIONSHIP TO GREER: Most of his life, Greer was like a best friend inside of their home. Someone with whom he shared most of his fondest memories, like summers in the Hamptons, Christmases in the Alps, and Halloweens at Disney World. Yet, when you grow up in a Succession-esque household, there are certain unspoken rules about loyalty and comradery. Siblinghood was always a game – fun, for the most part, but competitive and always marred by the inevitable awareness that there was always a great deal at stake and that one could end up finding himself on the losing side. Luckily, for most of their lives, the Unfavorite gracefully assumed that position – which neither he, nor Greer ever questioned. But Edward knew that there were always boundaries to his relationship with the golden girl, there were secrets to be kept from her, lies to be told to appease her, because he knew – as his twin did – that Greer would gladly throw any of them under a bus coming in at full speed if she knew that would expand her advantage in their parents’ rankings.

HOW THEY EMBODY THEIR SKELETON TROPE: The linen shirts, the tailored suits and the cashmere sweaters attest to his love of all things fine and luxurious. Edward is the stereotypical Barbie of northeastern rich men: his favorite sport is skiing; he loves a good glass of premium aged scotch; and his go-to Holiday getaway is quick trip to Europe. All this privilege makes him a little out of touch with reality. Sometimes he just doesn’t get the so-called “small pleasures of life”. And all this luxury at his full disposal might make him appear a little too self-assured. He doesn’t do it out of malice or hatred of the less privileged, though, he just loves his life too much not to be all-in in it… 

EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES: tennis, sailing, writing club, fencing club

#intro #{ mes rêves gris s'envolent dans le noir de la nuit | intro. }

[daisitynook]

Random Rottmnt Head-canons

sorry for rambling some of them are just me projecting but i just had too, can you guess who i kin lmao :)

Mikey🧡

* loves the fall

* not just for the colors but mikey loves wearing fuzzy sweaters and doing the Arianna sleeve thing

* huge pumpkin fan, loves anything that have a pumpkin flavor or aroma

* Saw a rerun of bob rose once and spent a month remaking the painting till he thought it was perfect, he was 8 so we all know what it really looked like

* raph hung it on their fridge cause he was so proud

* Owns 3 dream catchers, has a bunch of incense too

* we all know he gets scared easily so you can’t tell me mikey doesn’t take every ghost catching video he sees seriously

* avid buzzfeed unsolved enjoyer

* Whenever donnie’s glasses broke when they were kids mikey tried to fix them with his stickers before realizing they didn’t work like he intended

* Besides skateboarding i think mikey really likes roller blading for the aesthetic

* he stole an old pair from the dumpster and styled it orange and practiced around the sewer

* made donnie make him a playlist of 80s songs so he can pretend like he’s in a movie while he’s doing so

* Besides Donnie, Mikey knows the most about history specifically art history

* Like Mikey knows a lot about the world and different cultures while donnie knows more scientific facts

Donnie 💜

* So we all know how he does his own eyebrows

* donnie definitely watched a billion makeup up tutorials before he finally got it right so know he has intense makeup knowledge

* does aprils makeup when she has a date or is going to an important event

* had an intense kpop phase, like was on stan twt being a heavy defender of his favs

* likes to do dance covers in his lab when his brothers aren’t home

* definitely a twice stan

* got leo into kpop so they can both suffer

* Donnie once sprained his ankle when his was a tween and he told his brothers it was during a failed experiment but in reality he was trying to learn ballroom dancing from a youtube tutorial

* Really enjoyed club penguin as a kid

* Now bullies kids online

* uses discord and un-ironically roleplays as movie characters

* leo bullied him for this and he then stopped

* The type of person to say huh ten times not hearing what the other person said

* Donnie doesn’t actually have bad vision he just wanted something that had personality and decided glasses was it

* spoiler alert they didn’t have any lenses

* no one knew

* Donnie really likes murder mystery books or adventure books (like Indiana jones, ik it’s not a book but you get what i mean)

* Even though he figures out the resolution or who done it rather quickly he still likes the build up and clues you get from reading

* makes april do a fashion show with him which is just him trying on clothes he found and forcing her to give him compliments

* even tho donnie doesn’t know a thing about sports i think he has a secret appreciation for tennis

* idk why tennis but i feel like he would just like it

* hates açaí bowls

* he hates the texture of everything together and has never found the right combination of things

* he likes to say he only drinks black coffee but dumps creamer into his with a bit of sugar

* with his shell since it’s super sensitive i think he only let leo help him clean it for a while

* when they were younger mikey would always be too touchy not really understanding boundaries just yet

* and raph was either way too gentle or way too rough cause he didn’t know his strength yet but also didn’t want to hurt donnie

* leo was the easy middle so donnie specifically had him and him only help get parts he couldn’t reach while cleaning

* however this did lead to many fights in the bath between the two

Leo💙

* loves romcons

* literally sobs his eyes out during them

* loves watching shows like love island, the bachelor, love is blind, too hot to handle

* thinks he would be perfect for those shows but not in a douche way more in a sense of

* i could be the biggest problem and people would love me

* avid telenovella enjoyer

* asks hueso about any good ones he can binge

* had a kpop phase thanks to donnie

* big red velvet stan along with seventeen

* he loves irene and s.coups

* leo also enjoys 80-90s rock

* he specifically loves the hair

* had motorcycle phase for a bit where he would ask donnie a bunch of mechanic questions and donnie would be like ??? every-time

* never cleans his room

* like he’ll throw out his trash but he has clutter everywhere, randoms knick knacks everywhere

* gets all his puns off of reddit and other forums

* has an abundance of socks for no reason he just likes how they feel

* specifically his one pair of flush blue panda socks he only washes once a month

* no one is allowed to touch them

* He snorts when he laughs really hard

* Best singer out of the boys

* like literal pipes

* has joked about winning American idol but is secretly not joking and surprisingly his family agrees

* Leo actually goes to bed early like at 10:30

* compared to donnie and mikey that’s early

* he needs his beauty rest

* leo definitely wants a tattoo on his bicep if he can

* Loves andy samburg and no one can tell me otherwise

* like a huge brooklyn 99 parks and rec arrested development fan

* he also really likes percy jackson

* stole the books from donnie as a kid and read all of them

* told donnie he hated it

* donnie knew otherwise

* Leo for a while when he was a kid didn’t really know who he was so he just kinda picked traits from his brothers

* was scared he wasn’t funny enough or that he didn’t really have a point when talking

* he slowly realized it was ok to just go with the flow and that’s why now he doesn’t really like to over complicate things when he does it

* Leo genuinely loves being a turtle, isn’t insecure in the slightest about being a turtle like the other boys (donnie and raph) him and mikey embrace it

* Does share middle child nonsense with donnie where he gets insecure about his role and if he’s really needed

* wants to prove that he’s worthy of being part of this family

* no more angst

* leo definitely has the worst eyesight in the family

* it’s not horrible but boy does he squint a lot

* mikey was once insecure about his gap so leo drew in a gap in his mouth so mikey would see how cute his gap was

* leo did it for 4 days straight

* that tooth is now permanently this grey color

* Has a secret appreciation for the color pink definitely his second favorite color no one can tell me otherwise

* like donnie is good at makeup

* specifically he can do killer eye liner

Raph❤️

* Likes to watch cooking shoes with mikey

* Enjoys a good bbq episode of a show

* Enjoys old timey british shows

* for example downtown abbey

* lives for it

* made donnie pirate the movie so he could watch it and cried his eyes out

* Raph has a lot of plushies so he definitely thinks they get jealous when one is getting more attention

* with this he picks a name out of a hat in front of them and then places the ones who didn’t get picked at the end of the bed

* he feels bad just leaving them around

* raph also definitely likes cheesy cop shows

* like he loved law and order, NCICS, criminal minds, idk cop shows man 🧍‍♀️

* big desert man

* loves anything sweet

* specifically loves churros, chocolate covered strawberries, powdered donuts, and he’s a sucker for any type of pie

* Loves gaming youtube channels, big fan of markiplier, jackseptieye, Berlzy, Coreyxkenshin, some twitch streamers he likes something in the background so this helps

* As much as he loves pizza Raph is one of the only ones to actually eat healthier food

* had a gym rat phase but it wasn’t amazing since he couldn’t go to the gym but he was obsessed with calorie counting

* wasn’t healthy at all

* recovered and now eats regularly

* Obsessed with squishmallows

* like has a whole collection of them

* he really like the dinosaur one in blue

* Leo makes fun of him for it but raph shoved him into his pile of them Leo fell asleep in an instant

* Raph is not superstitious at all

* like donnie definitely believes whack ass conspiracy theories and don’t get him started on the paranormal however raph is the complete opposite

* he’s always wanted to indulge in stuff like that but since he’s the oldest he was always the one to like “don’t worry none of that stuff is real” or “nothing can hurt you, it’s all gonna be ok”

* basically he’s just had to comfort the boys whenever their were scared a ghost was gonna get them, the monster under the bed all that

* so now he’s just over it but he wishes he can just indulge crazy fantasies now and again

#rottmnt #head canon #rottmnt raph #rottmnt leo #rottmnt donatello #rottmnt mikey #rise of the tmnt #random headcanon #donatello hamato #leonardo hamato #raphael hamato #michaelango hamato #tmnt 2018

[talenlee]

February 2024 Wrapup

Hey hang on, this month normally fits nicely into the schedule with standard numbers! Who put an extra day in this Smooch Month? I guess that means that this year, the year is just a little extra smoochy! But those four weeks and an extra, they are past us and now it is time to reflect on what happened this month, and what I wrote.

If you check this blog periodically, you might have missed all sorts of interesting articles just because, you know, discoverability is hard.

For once I wasn’t completely hosed trying to come up with smoochy games for Smooch Month! I actually had other things that I think I’m going to bump to next year’s Smooch Month and they’ll be, like, still relevant, how cool is that?

Dream Crush, a voting board game that makes that venerable game mechanic really interesting.

Ouendan (Video), a video article on my beloved videogame Ouendan. This is an update and expansion of an older article. I made a flag transition in this one!

Thirsty Sword Lesbians, a TTRPG about inclusivity that made me feel alienated in how reads and presents its player actions.

Hinedere Beat, a lovely little parkour platformer that made me think about a lot of words I don’t use. This one winds up talking about the Nazis!

That’s not all though, because if you check the Talen and Fox playlist, you’ll find that we also played through The Secret of Monkey Island! We selected that one because, even as a 90s point and clicker, it still represented an interesting take on a character relationship, and a girl who is interested in a boy and it’s clear why.

There were also a bunch of story pile articles, talking about smoochy movies and anime!

D.E.B.S., part of our Positronic Collection viewing. It’s a movie about silly spies, and it’s also actually factually about a queer couple!

Tomo-Chan is a Girl, an extremely mid anime that I appreciate because of how much better it made other mediocre anime look!

A Tail of Love, a Hallmark movie, with Fox as guest spot, which we’re happy to watch this time because it’s just boring and doesn’t feature dog theft.

Insomniacs After School, an anime I really love about two people with a common, down to earth problem, and the way the world looks when you can share it with just one person.

That’s not all the articles you can read (or watch, or listen to!) here on press dot exe! I also wrote about a whole range of other topics, and I think these articles are worth a second look if you missed them!

As it was Smooch month, I wrote about a bunch of stuff relating to romance. I checked out some old media’s examples of that, like in the Transformers episode The Girl Who Loved Powerglide, or the Animorphs shipping couple of Tobias and Rachel in Can A Bird Love a Falcon. I feel like that joke is a little too subtle. I also reflected on a romantic anime of my youth, and how modern discourse are replicating old conversations with The Ranma 1/2 Subreddit is Repeating History, and that then built out idea space for a consideration of the commonality between Homestuck and Ranma 1/2 with Homestuck 1/2. And since we’re talking anime I reflected on how much I liked the anime Shikimori’s Not Just A Cutie because of how it represented non-het, non-mono romance even though it absolutely does represent that with The Unhinged Performative Heteronormativity of Shikimori’s Not Just A Cutie.

Rounding that out and with a slightly darker take, I also wrote about my experience observing fundamentalist churches interacting with some of the hardest experiences couples have with Fundie Divorce, and then reflected on the way we’ve been ‘told’ relationships should work with an article about the history of Remote Romance.

Finally, I spent some time on D&D related stuff, looking at Sanders and Danube from Cobrin’Seil as places who could represent Yuri, and the strange commonality of Love Potions as purchaseable devices and what that meant about the world and its economy. I also wrote 4e for Two, as an article about how you might want to arrange the game for a two player experience.

Also, if you’re a fan of my custom magic cards, I put out two articles about this year’s Magic The Gathering set Vox Maxima: cards and story.

This month I made a shirt that tried to wed my familiarity with overly ornate stained glass from Wealthy Church Members’ doors and high-up windows, and also my love for easy geometry.

If you want, you can get this design on a sticker, or a shirt!

February is the last month of summer here, and the weather has become more extreme. Hot days are hotter, and then they’re punctuated with heavy, rainy days. The humidity in my area is a constant part of summer days, because I’m near two bodies of water. The sun hits the water, the water fills the air and the temperature can’t get too high because of that. Means the weather report says ‘oh yeah it’s like 29 degrees’ and that’s not so bad but then you check and it’s 80-90% humidity. The result is now that weather forecasts in my area include the stat ‘feels like’ and that has hovered around the mid 30s pretty consistently.

It’s not like it’s the hottest place in the world — I can just imagine people assering ‘well it’s over 40 in’ — and I don’t care. What I care about is how not being able to sleep has messed with my everything. Sleeping and eating are the two things that I keep thinking about when it comes to this time – I don’t do things that involve cooking heavily in the oven, because of the weather and all, and sometimes I’m up until 3 in the morning just because I can’t sleep and then I spend that time being unhappily watching biblical documentaries. I guess in the context of food I’ve been eating a lot of lentils? I got that point where I stopped buying canned lentils and started buying dried lentils (in a mix) and just keeping a little tub of them in the fridge soaking in water so any time I want to make A Food, I will just grab some of the lentil mix and use that instead of like, minced meat or chicken.

I have however, spent every week of this month aggressively getting words into my literature review, which I glibly call to my friends ‘The Word Pit.’ Every week has had a section drafted, with the attempt to make a schedule that gets my production up to pace for when the semester starts. I feel good about this pace of change, and I feel good about getting this kind of progress going, but it does also mean that every day I feel like I wake up and I have to generate two piles of words and this blog is the much easier one to generate.

Friends have gone through some rough stuff this month. Not putting their stuff on the streets, but it’s happened and I’ve been trying to be there for my friends while also acknowledging that I need to generate a few thousand words a day for an incredibly important project.

Check it out on PRESS.exe to see it with images and links!

#Diary

[florilegia-or-what-you-will]

Commonplace Songs

So. Here’s the thing. I have a bad habit of skimming, especially when I’m reading rubrics. I don’t notice I’m doing it but it can mean I miss important bits of information, such as the part about your last entry being a 250 word retrospective. Luckily I am aware of this deficiency of mine so I tend to check my rubrics periodically to make sure I haven’t missed anything. So I wrote the post. But. Before I realized there was a set end to the life of this blog I still intended my own form of wrap-up. I decided to make a playlist with at least one song per reading from this class. Even after I knew I just had to write a lil paragraph I couldn’t get the idea out of my head so here is the playlist anyway. [Commonplace Songs] Obviously it would be a bit of a time commitment to listen to the whole thing, so this was mostly just for my own enjoyment, but I had too much fun not to share. Notes for each song under the cut.

Abbess Hild & Caedmon, & Caedmon’s Hymn - Sisters of Mercy - Leonard Cohen

This one was honestly one of the most difficult to figure out. I generally struggled most to find songs for the explicitly religious texts, but I think this one works pretty well if you think of it as being from Caedmon’s perspective.

The Exeter Book Riddles - The Riddle Song - Joan Baez | Scarborough Fair - Simon and Garfunkel

These are cheating a little I know, since they both have very old origins themselves. I did consider including Schubert’s Swansong as a reference to Riddle 7, but I’ve tried to stick with songs that have lyrics.

The Wanderer - Man of Constant Sorrow - Joan Baez

Man of Constant Sorrow is really a modern version of The Wanderer to me. An exile “bound to ramble” away from their loved ones, unable to see them again in this life.

Deor - This Too Shall Pass - Danny Schmidt

This one is obvious from the title, and she makes rings! What more could you ask?

The Wife’s Lament - You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me - Dusty Springfield | One Too Many Mornings - Joan Baez

You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me really captures the tragedy of still being in love with someone who’s abandoned you. I think the desire for physical proximity really works with The Wife’s Lament. One Too Many Mornings works for the feeling of physical, but more importantly, temporal distance. The tortuous, and at the same time mundane passing of time, and the feeling of it being too late.

Wulf and Eadwacer - Farewell Wanderlust - The Amazing Devil

I struggled with this one. Another song considered was Better Man by Pearl Jam but I think Farewell Wanderlust works better even if it's less specific. It's got the anger, frustration, heartbreak, and defeat going for it. 

Dream of the Rood - The Becoming - Nine Inch Nails 

I decided no church music was allowed which made this one harder. I decided to lean into the slight body horror of the description of the cross shifting between bloodstained and bejewelled. Also: “He’s covered with scabs he’s broken and sore” just like Jesus! Obviously this doesn’t really suit the glorious tone the poem was going for, but I personally found the poem a bit unsettling.

Judith - Glory and Gore - Lorde | The Dismemberment Song - Blue Kid

Glory and Gore definitely fits the tone of the poem best, it's hard to explain why without going line by line, but trust me this one is exceptionally good for Judith. The Dismemberment Song is here even though it's not quite right, because it was suggested to me and it made me laugh. Content warning though, it is very clinically detailed about, you know, dismemberment.

The Battle of Maldon - Immigrant Song - Led Zeppelin

This one is pretty obvious right? I came so very close to including Waterloo by ABBA as well, but I do have some restraint.

History of the Kings of Britain - Set Fire to the Rain - Adele | Everybody Wants to Rule the World - Tears for Fears

Set Fire to the Rain is for Igerna. All that love, and vulnerability, and secrets, and distrust. This song is just about Igerna to me now, it's pretty perfect for her. Everybody Wants to Rule the World works really well for Arthurian legend. “Nothing ever lasts forever, everybody wants to rule the world”

The Mabinogi - Rhiannon - Fleetwood Mac | She’s Always A Woman - Billy Joel

Rhiannon is ludicrously obvious, I don’t think I need to explain. She’s Always A Woman is also about Rhiannon, specifically how Pwyll defends her and keeps her as his queen even though everyone is against her.

Lanval - Who is She? - I Monster | Come Wander With Me - Jeff Alexander

I feel like a magical woman appearing out of nowhere to be your girlfriend would actually be pretty trippy, hence Who is She? Come Wander With Me is a bit more suitable tonally. Have fun wandering off, never to be seen again, Lanval!

Ancrene Wisse - Agoraphobia - Deerhunter

As you might expect, from a song called Agoraphobia, this works well for anchoresses. The lyrics match the actual daily life of an anchoress surprisingly well.

Middle English Lyrics - Luck Be a Lady - Frank Sinatra

With regard to The Lady Dame Fortune is both frende and foe

Sir Orfeo - Frozen Pines - Lord Huron | Word Spins Madly On - The Weepies

Frozen Pines captures the frozen-in-time-ness and its about seeking a lost loved one in the woods. It's perfect. World Spins Madly On works because time has also very much not frozen, and they are apart from one another, knowing, and at the same time not knowing, where the other is. Honourable mention to Nothing Takes the Place of You by Toussaint McCall, which just wasn’t quite right, but has a maturity the other two lack.

Sir Gawain and the Green Knight I - Family Friend - The Vaccines

Poor Gawain is the only responsible adult at court. Jokes aside, this is a really good character song for Gawain.

Sir Gawain and the Green Knight II-III - All in Green Went My Love Riding - Joan Baez

I’ve mentioned this one before. It's too perfect not to include.

Sir Gawain and the Green Knight IV - Little Lion Man - Mumford and Sons

Another character portrait for my favourite boy Gawain! This also works for him in Morte d’Arthur. He tries so hard, and always comes just a little bit short, and then blames himself mercilessly.

Canterbury Tales – General Prologue - Prologue: Into the Woods - Stephen Sondheim

I’ll be honest, I had no idea what to do for this one, but I committed to a song per reading. It does work well in a way. They are both prologues that introduce a billion archetypal characters at once, tell you what they want, and make fun of the a little. Sondheim could have done a kick-ass musical adaptation of The Canterbury Tales.

Piers Plowman – Prologue - Land of the Believer - The Weather Girls

Club music perilously close to gospel music, I wouldn’t be surprised if this genuinely was about Jesus and religion. I considered skipping Piers Plowman because we didn’t actually go over it in class, but I’m a completionist.

Chaucer – Canterbury Tales – The Miller’s Tale - You Give Love a Bad Name - Bon Jovi

Oh Absolon… I considered going with Tainted Love, but I needed a ridiculous song for a ridiculous story.

Chaucer – Canterbury Tales – The Miller’s Tale - Put the Blame on Mame - “Rita Hayeworth” Anita Ellis

On the other hand, Put the Blame on Mame is about a beautiful woman being blamed for disasters both natural and human, but which is supposed to, in my opinion, make you think about how ridiculous it is to actually blame a woman for that kind of thing.

Julian of Norwich – A Revelation of Love - Space Age Love Song - A Flock of Seagulls

I love taking songs that aren’t supposed to be about Jesus and making them about Jesus, and Jesus in the role of alien girlfriend is funny to me. That said, it does work really well for the transcendent vibe of medieval mysticism.

The Book of Margery Kempe - Crazy - Gnarls Barkley | Policy of Truth - Depeche Mode

I found it a bit difficult to take Margery seriously at first, because she is patently a ridiculous person, but is she really crazy just because others think she is? Trying to think of songs for her is actually what made me take more seriously what her life was like. She experienced many dangers and a lot of persecution for living her truth, hence Policy of Truth.

The Book of Margery Kempe - Sad Eyed  Lady of the Lowlands - Joan Baez

A singular, and shockingly untouchable woman.

Second Shepherd’s Play - Mack the Knife - Ella Fitzgerald | Sheep - Pink Floyd

I admit, these are both kind of joke songs, but they do work! Mack because Mac, sheep because sheep.

Second Shepherd’s Play - Under Pressure - Queen and David Bowie

The slightly more serious choice for this play. It matches the complaining of the shepherds at the beginning of the play, and it has references to prayer, and a desire for change that works given it is a nativity play.

Noah’s Flood - Rain on Me - Lady Gaga (feat. Ariana Grande)

Okay, hear me out. I know it's a club song, but it's actually perfect for Noah’s wife. I can’t go line by line, but it expresses disappointment with a relationship, be it with God or Noah, but it also expresses gratitude for being alive, even though they wish they were “dry” , a reference to rain, and alcohol.

The Crucifixion - Blowing’ in the Wind - Joan Baez

This one was really hard without just choosing a song literally about the crucifixion, which would be cheating. Blowing in the Wind is about ignorance and apathy to human suffering, which is also what characterises the Roman soldiers. Also, yes, I will pick the Joan Baez version of every song I can. Thank you for asking.

Mankind -  WWJD - The Axis of Awesome | Out of Touch - Hall and Oates

Mankind - Send Them Off! - Bastille

WWJD is another joke song, but you can’t tell me a group of demons in a morality play wouldn’t sing this. Like the demons in the play, it humorously pokes at a question people would really be asking about how they are supposed to ever live up to Jesus. Out of Touch and Send Them Off! are more straightforwardly readable as Mankind singing to/for Mercy.

Morte d’Arthur, book 1 - Tower Song - Martha Wainright | In the Blood (feat. Ashley Barrett) - Darren Korb

Tower Song is my other song for Igerna. It works along the same lines as Ste Fire to the Rain, but it's a little more vicious. I was torn about including In the Blood, even though it works well for Arthur, because of course it does, I transposed one young hero who is the future of his people, onto another. I still think the Arthurian angle changes the way the song reads enough for it to work, though.

Morte d’Arthur,  book 8 - Happy Ending - MIKA | Heavy Crown - Trixie Mattel

For Happy Ending, please see my previous post on Lancelot and Guinevere. Heavy Crown is for Arthur, “Winning’s losing with a couple strings [...] Gotta be the last to know”, I think it suits the melancholy of all the lost glory Camelot, and how inevitable the whole thing felt to Arthur the second he was confronted by Agravaine and Mordred about Guinevere and Lancelot

#alas many songs were left on the cutting room floor #this was a good learning experience #a lot of medieval lit isn't super character focused #they tend not to get into anyone's head the way books do in our psychological age #which can leave character feeling pretty flat at first blush #doing this forced me to get into their heads regardless #It made me appreciated their subtle nuances a lot more #I could tag every story poem song and author separately but i won't because can you even imagine #florilegia

[starsdies]

are there songs that remind u of ur fics? of obi wan and anakin in general? id love to know what u associate w them 👀

this is my absolute favorite topic to talk about bcos music is my number one love language so thank you for opening this floodgate omg. y e s i have plenty of songs associations with obikin and a playlist too - but we’ll save that for later. 

ONE. endlessly by muse is probably my number one obikin song for many reasons. it really hits when you take kenobi as a backdrop. 

“Hopelessly I'll love you endlessly / Hopelessly I'll give you everything / But I won't give you up / I won't let you down / And I won't leave you falling / But the moment never comes.”

it’s also a bonus that ewan sings the song for a cover, so i can die happily on my headcanon hill that obi-wan sings anakin to sleep. 

TWO. connected by islandinside. my second biggest obikin song, i think. the lyrics are so them it genuinely aches like please look at this: 

“I am the mirror / I am your satellite / I am the sign that / Stuck inside your mind” i mean, this easily reminds me of the two of them being split halves of one another, their dyad, etc. and then we have this as well, which hurts so bad and so good:

“When you′re lost and broken / These words are your guiding light / In the darkest place: / "We are each other's secrets. / We are connected. We are connected." / When you′re lost and broken / I am your guiding light / In the darkest maze: / "We are each other's secrets. / We are connected. We are connected."

THREE. everything by thyla. this song gives me alot of modern angsty vibes, but the lyrics for this particular part are so ingrained in my heart for them that i just feel emotional whiplash when this songs comes on shuffle. the ending of this song is an emotional rollercoaster bcos it changes tune completely and builds, builds, builds, and i… oh god. this song is so good.

“I can't call you home / I can't call you home / Never said too much / Now, I can't call you home / I wish I said too much.” - tell me that isn’t the most… obikin thing ever… i’m shattered it’s fine!

FOUR. achilles come down by gang of youths. i mean. as a classics lover and a patrochilles shipper by default… this obviously must also relate to obikin. i mean, i’ll let the lyrics talk for themselves. this is like the must-have for anakin/obikin playlists.

“Achilles, Achilles, Achilles, come down / Won't you get up off, get up off the roof? / You're scaring us and all of us, some of us love you / Achilles, it's not much but there's proof / You crazy-assed cosmonaut, remember your virtue / Redemption lies plainly in truth / Just humor us, Achilles, Achilles, come down / Won't you get up off, get up off the roof?”

FIVE. remember by seinabo sey, jacob banks. this song… really reminds me of obi-wan telling luke and leia about anakin. how, even after everything, he talks of him so highly. here are the lyrics to accompany that for extra tears:

“Let me write you into history, darling / Let me sing you into eternity / So you say you just wanna be remembered / You just wanna be remembered / Just wanna be remembered.”

SIX. no devotion by tender. again, definitely a big modern angst vibe but i’m just. this is one of my most favorite songs in the world so the fact that i associate it with my boys so much really gets to me! here are the lyrics that hit hardest and ahhhhhhhh… rots obikin too… that whole quote of anakin talking about how he wanted obi-wan to stay? obi-wan not knowing what to do with all these conflicting emotions from anakin? yeah. this one.

“I don't know why you slipped away / I never even asked you to stay, baby / Cracks appeared and we both start to fade, but we're / Already broken / There's no devotion / Maybe I'm really to blame / I got my head in the sand / And I just can't understand why you're vacant and not there / Try to be patient with you, but I'm too scared / Tell me what I'm doing wrong / I'm wearing thin, but holding on / For you.”

and finally, because i could go on forever but i should save you the reading, here is my obikin playlist on spotify.

#im so sorry this got so long #this is humiliating #ask #obikin

[teecupangel]

One of the readers of Zero Eclipse created a Spotify Playlist for the fic and I'm

I love knowing my fics were so memorable that people take the time to make stuff for it.

Then they asked if I have any songs to suggest and...

Well.

I normally listen to the AC soundtrack when I write AC fics with the exception of smut (that's purely jazz versions of Xenoblade songs and I don't know why).

Then I remembered how much of a weeb I am and that, yes, there are songs I can think of on the top of my head that would work for Zero Eclipse.

So if you want to see my suggestions for songs that inspired or I think works well for Zero Eclipse, check underneath

(Warning it's mainly music from my 2 favorite JRPG series XD)

BEFORE I START WITH THIS LONG POST!

Shoutout to chemicalhypebitch in AO3 for suggesting these songs because they work so well too

I still believe I still firmly believe We can still meet We will connect no matter what

I, I loved you in secret First sight, yeah, we love without reason Oh, twenty-five years old Oh, how were you to know, and My, my love had been frozen Deep blue, but you painted me golden Oh, and you held me close Oh, how was I to know that

ALRIGHT. Long post time!

Let's start with the actual reason for the title of the fic

ZERO ECLIPSE - Hiroyuki Sawano

Yeah, that's right. Zero Eclipse's title was based on an Attack on Titan song from the very beginning. I'm not gonna talk about AOT though because, well, I have a complicated history with that manga/anime. But I am in love with Hiroyuki Sawano's music and, while the primary plotline of the fic was created before I realized how well Zero Eclipse worked, there are other parts of the fic that were inspired by the song itself.

Anyway, the song encapsulates Altaïr's feelings for Desmond (both Bleed Altaïr and Original Altaïr) and I have to give special mentions to the following lyrics

For now you are a part of me I will defend and honor thee Did you think that you could die a hero? Our awakening means less than zero! ------- Sad am I to never hear you sigh Of ecstasy And fingertips You're trembling We share a kiss Our worlds eclipse ------- Make a promise that I cannot regret As long as I can see you but in secret I'll never I'll never forget my feeling, no! I'll never I'll never Learn how to let you go

That's just the main three but the rest of the song fits well I think.

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Next is a song I believe works well as Desmond's feelings for Altaïr (especially after Chapter 43)

Follow You - Bring Me The Horizon

(sidenote: this also works well with Desmond from fiat mihi secundum verbum tuum hahaha) Anyway, this song shows how much Desmond is willing to go through just to be with Altaïr and it also works well with the whole 'If they are gods then I will be the devil' drama queen shtick Altaïr went for. Special mention has to be given to these lines

So you can drag me through hell If it meant I could hold your hand I will follow you 'cause I'm under your spell And you can throw me to the flames I will follow you, I will follow you

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Next is an instrumental actually and is the unofficial theme of the 'AQ'AQ program and Original Altaïr.

The Bereaved and Those Left Behind (Version 2) - Yasunori Mitsuda (Xenoblade Chronicles 3)

There's a Version 1 but I think Version 2 works better as both the theme of the 'AQ'AQ program and Original Altaïr. Both versions deal with pain and loss with a hint of hope towards the end (like the start of hope at around 2:20 to 2:54 but ending in an almost question-like tone which signifies the uncertain future) which I think encapsulates what the 'AQ'AQ program truly represented and how the original timeline and the original Altaïr had been. For an extra punch, this works well as a bgm for the final scene in the Grand Temple while the questioning tone at around the 2:55 mark works well with the error message of Chapter 41.

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Next is a song that I think works well as the modern day Levantine Brotherhood's theme (most especially Clay and Lucy)

Melancholia - Hiroyuki Sawano

For Lucy to Altaïr and Desmond

You cheer me, reminds me There is a sun rise You told me to save me from a hell on earth

For Clay

They try to wear me down with what they tell me I'm just trying to make moves, see beyond what they're trying to sell Push for it, even if some attempts fail Take problems mix 'em up like a cocktail It's not the cards that life deals Anyone can alter their situations by Not sitting around, accepting the Abuse and devastation

The entire modern day Levantine Brotherhood

We're kept unheard if we're silent Waiting on others to make a sound Leads to walking blind instead of self-reliance Eyes on the back of the pack It's time to make the day yours Complacency never makes an impact Believe media controls you if you don't act Nothing ventured, nothing gained But when we speak, listen, and act That's what we change

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BONUS: William Miles' Theme (No, I am not sorry)

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Alright, the next 2 songs are in Japanese and can be considered spoilers for Chapter 41. The last song is in English BUT it is an absolute spoiler for Chapter 43. You've been warned.

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Next is a song that works well as Bleed Altaïr's feelings for Desmond

Ai no Uta - Falcom sound team (Trails of Cold Steel 4 Ending Song - This is also available in Spotify but I embedded a video with the English lyrics added)

Special mentions to the following lyrics

Your loud playful smile Fills me with so much satisfaction Staring at your honest eyes, they're so bright I have to close mine and hug you tightly Even if I'm pierced by a thousand flashing arrows I promise I'll be your shield ------- The tears covering your face when you cry Make my chest feel tight, it's painful To make your pain and sorrow go away I'll hug you tightly until you fall asleep Even if the whole world turns against you I'll never let go of your hand ------- I just love you; I just love you I'll tell you again and again, I love you I just love you; our heartbeats are in sync And my feelings for you are overflowing I love you; I just love you I'll tell you again and again, I love you I don't know if it was fate That we met and we formed bonds We'll draw a new trail for the two of us I love you ------- There are good times and bad times Let's walk through life together There are good times and bad times Let's walk through life together

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Next is a song that I think works well to summarize Desmond's feelings for Ezio, Ratonhnhaké:ton and the rest of the Brotherhood at the end of Chapter 41

I'll Remember You - Megumi Sasaka / Falcom sound team (Trails of Cold Steel 2 Ending Song - This is also available in Spotify but I embedded a video with the English lyrics added)

Special mentions to the following lyrics

The time for parting has come Our Boundless Futures Await In case we never meet again I make this promise here and now: I'll remember you… ------- In awe of the bond we two shared We spoke of our histories and our most heartfelt desires Mysteries unpacked and mysteries forged Between those who'd previously never even known the other existed. ------- Love is a wordless understanding Two heartbeats resounding together as one Yet the time for parting has come Wavering tears in your eyes… In case we never meet again I'll burn your image into my mind and I'll remember you ------- Trust is a wordless understanding: Two heartbeats resounding together in solidarity Yet the time for parting has come You fade in the distance In case we never meet again, I'll burn your image into my mind and I'll remember you… ------- Let us always remember our first shy smiles And the future beat we heard the day we met The time for parting has come We must go our separate ways In case we never meet again We must keep moving forward The time for paring has come Our boundless futures await In case we never meet again I make this promise here and now I'll never forget that The trails we drew are our true selves You'll remember too

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Alright, the final song is a major spoiler for Chapter 43. This is your final warning to read Chapter 43 first before checking out the final song

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This one is a song that I think fits Original Desmond (Vega Prime/The Reader).

One Last You - Jen Bird / Yasunori Mitsuda (Xenoblade Chronicles 2 Ending Song)

Alright, let's dive in to this one because I have feelings and I am making it your feelings as well

Original Desmond as the Reader all alone in the Gray and hearing Altaïr

Very end of eternity The final day has come to an end, it's gone for good I would then slowly close my eyes And be cuddled by the shining memory piece ------- I will trace back all the memories with you That's the only wish I have

Original Desmond's feelings for the past years he spent with his Altaïr and how reuniting him with Desmond Miles is his 'handful'.

You have gifted many things to me But I wonder if I could've done the same for you If you would let me, I will give back a handful If it would put a little smile on your face

The goodbye scene between Original Desmond and Original Altaïr before Original Altaïr became the program and Original Desmond returns to the Gray

The final grain of sand has dropped I will slowly so quietly fall into sleep I see you gently fade away Your silhouette has gone to the other side of the mist And all the memories with no sound so quiet Just like in slow motion it moves so slowly

Original Desmond to Minerva about the creation of VegaEye and his decision to give up everything to Desmond Miles

Can I ask you, God? Despite all of this… Could the sandglass somehow take back the time One last time is all I ask from you Can you please spare me some time with the one man I loved? ------- I wouldn't care how and where it should be But I need one last time I want to tell you how I feel inside for you I want you to know…

The final scene between Original Desmond and Original Altaïr as the timeline gets rewritten

And so that last day with you was truly magical The frozen time began to flow At last the longest night has gone and brought in light I felt myself melt in the morning light

Excuse me while I go cry again XD

#ac fic: zero eclipse #fic spoilers: (ac) zero eclipse #long post #music suggestions #if you haven't checked it out #please check out xenoblade series' music #also kiseki/trails #i am a sucker for for jrpgs with deep lore #altdes

[deweyduck]

Hi Christie! This is your maisiepetersnetwork Secret Santa and I'm really excited to get to talk to you over the next few weeks 🎅 To start with a few simple questions: How did you discover Maisie Peters' music and what are your fave things about Christmas? P.S. I hope you have a wonderful week ahead of you! - MPN Secret Santa

yay hi!!!!! i'm so excited too!!!!!

i found maisie's music right after john hughes movie first came out. it was on my spotify discover weekly playlist (which can be very hit or miss) and i was like "wtf why is this so good" and became obsessed with it. then i started following maisie on instagram and saw her hyping the releases for the trying soundtrack and ysuft and the rest is history haha

my favourite things about christmas are the music and the movies! i have a christmas playlist that's got almost 200 songs that i listen to all of december. and my family and i try to watch as many christmas movies as we can throughout the month 🎄

and thank you i hope you have a lovely week too 🥺🥰

#ask #mpnsecretsanta22

[sgtjamesrogers]

Oh I love these asks. 3, 5, 13, and 17

3-  What is your writing ritual and why is it cursed? so my deep dark writing secret is that i actually can't listen to anything with words in it while i write, full stop. it can't even be instrumental music that's new to me, it has to be stuff i've listened to a thousand times. i might make a playlist for a story, character or relationship, but i'll drive to work and back listening to it, or do chores listening to it, but i CANNOT listen to it while writing. the summer i wrote subplots for a horror rpg, i listened to the LOTR score so much that howard shore showed up in my spotify wrapped.

5- Do you have any writing superstitions? What are they and why are they 100% true? i don't really have too many of these, my biggest one is that i can't show too much of any WIP i have around, or i'll never finish it. though i feel like that's less of a superstition and more of 'if i let my dopamine deficient brain have too much free dopamine from people reacting to the three paragraphs i posted, it will refuse to write anymore ever' thing lmao.

13- What is a subject matter that is incredibly difficult for you write about? What is easy? painful and complicated parent and child relationships can be a struggle for me to write, mostly because tolstoy was right and unhappy families really are all vastly different, and i'm hesitant to put too much of my own familial baggage into characters that technically belong to someone else, and when it comes to my own work i know my parents will read it eventually, and i know i'll have to Explain. the subject matter that comes easily is unfortunately, smut. the pacing, the wording, using it to move the plot forward, laying emotional beats over it... i never have to think too hard about it.

17- Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won’t make it in the text. oh no, let's talk about werewolf buddy comedy. so, i've actually done a lot of digging into the bicameral mentality theory which is of course is probably just an interesting hypothesis and not much more but... if it was true, who might benefit from re-severing of that connection and communication between the left and right hemispheres of the brain? my two main characters shawn and lew discover some disjointed notes left by the person they've been trying to hunt down, and it starts to point in the direction that someone in their small town has a vested interest in the population of little hale believing that they're hearing the voice of god.

ask me some weird questions for writers!

#jesse writes fic #jesse tries to write fiction #answers #THANK YOU JULIA

[monkberryfields]

hi mads, srs again!! sorry for dropping off the face of the earth! finals..... happened and then i lost all sense of time for a week 🙃 how did your finals go?? i hope your potato famine paper wasn't too unmanageable and that it was interesting to write. i ended up writing 7000 words for an original nature writing project bc i had wayyyy more to say than i anticipated lol. the music history thing is super cool too!! that's definitely been the most interesting part as i've gotten into classic rock: how music evolved over time, what influences changed the styles of music, and how artists influenced one another. in mike nesmith's autobiography, there's a bit about how jimi hendrix singlehandedly changed the entire rock scene and basically shook everything up the way the beatles had back in '63, and mike recalls a dinner at a restaurant where john lennon came rushing in out of breath and super late for the meal because he had been in a club watching hendrix perform and had recorded the performance and proceeded to play it in the restaurant bc it was so life-changing. it's so wild that there's these singular moments where things can change so suddenly, and people can remember decades later the moment they first heard the new style and how it made them feel.

do you have any fun plans now that you're on break? any fun traditions? i'm excited for a lot of the christmas baking! i've already made some gingerbread cuneiform tablets for my mom (she's a history teacher lol) so now i'm getting ready to do some real christmas cookies, maybe bake some small loaves of bread, and recreate some pastries that i used to love getting when i studied abroad! we're trying to go low-effort for christmas meals this year, so the desserts are really the only things that are going to be fancy lol.

travelling back to 60s london would be so much fun!! and your concert choices are a+, i saw stop making sense at the movie theater recently and it totally blew my mind, it would be amazing to be part of that crowd just having fun!!

i hope you're having a relaxing break so far and take some time for self-care!! christmas is just a few days away, so i hope you're having fun and feeling festive! 🎄🎆🎁☃

much love!!! -🦋

Hello Secret Santa! No worries!! I was hoping your finals went well and that you're alright!!

My finals went great! My professor was very impressed with the potato famine paper so it made me feel accomplished. Also, 7000 words is no joke!! That's awesome! We did our fair share of writing this semester, and we need to give ourselves a pat on the back for our hard work. What were some cool things about your nature writing project that you're proud of?

Yes!! That's the reason why I love classic rock so much is that it really did create the ways we listen to music today! Also, I love Jimi Hendrix so much. I think he was a true innovator. And I've never heard that story before between Mike and John about Jimi. I wonder if it correlates with the anecdote from Paul who went to see Jimi Hendrix days after Sgt. Pepper's was released and Jimi had learned to play it. I like how all these bands' and artists' histories sort of intertwine with each other. Super fascinating!!

Right now I have mainly been trying to watch the videos in my YouTube watch later playlist because I had over 300 videos (I know, I know...). I also am trying to read some books during the break because I know I will not be able to read them once the semester starts back up again. I'll also be trying to write a bit of my Master's thesis during the break which I'm nervous about.

My family isn't the type for traditions, but we do cook a huge Italian dinner for Christmas Eve. I've also baked up a storm with a lot of premade cookie dough. One Christmas, I would like to try and bake everything from scratch because I know I can bake, I just don't have much time to. Also, the cuneiform gingerbread tablets sound so cool!! I bet that was fun to do. I haven't baked bread in a while, but I feel like I should get back into it. I know how to make the big Italian bread loaves, but I really want to try to make sourdough. I just need a starter. Desserts are always fun to get fancy with. I baked some nice pies for Thanksgiving this year that were pretty fancy! What are some of your favorite desserts to bake? Also, where did you study abroad?? I've always wanted to do that, but the pandemic happened unfortunately.

My wishes are the same to you! Everyone deserves a relaxing break and time to themselves to practice self-care. I definitely have, and it's been great! I'm trying to get in the festive mood and I hope you're having a great time with your family this holiday!! :)) Is there anything you're anticipating gift-wise?

#asks #srs23