#lots of mentally ill people live pretty normal lives it turns out! a lot of us can get by and sort of manage!

[dominote]

i think light yagami is "socially adept" in terms of being able to reason out relatively well what to say and do to come off as a harmless and good and polite young man who is likeable to be around. however i do not think "socially adept" (or "neurotypical") typically comes with having to preface every other normal-passing action and statement with a minor crisis of "ah shit. quick, what would i say/do in response to this if i was light yagami, a normal and nice and respectable young man?"

everyone likes to talk about him talking about kira in third person but can we acknowledge that he also talks about LIGHT in third person. i'm not adding manga panels at 3:57am but y'all know exactly which ones i mean

#light is decent at masking but he is NOT coming off as perfect to anyone who looks at him with a critical eye. like L or near #it's just that a lot of people take him at face value #he's handsome he gets top grades his dad is the police chief his family adores him girls like him etc #and he gets to skate off of that a lot until someone comes around and questions the mask #he unravels so fast once he gets closer to L. he fucks up the misa thing so badly even HE has to admit to L's face #that kira probably didn't think things through with the second kira and kind of panicked #ughhhhhhhhhhh i have so many thoughts about him. he works very hard to come off as socially competent. it's a learned skill not innate #i firmly believe there is some shit going on w light in terms of mental conditions. HOWEVER #i also believe he was relatively 'normal' up until the death note sent a lot of that shit spiralling #lots of mentally ill people live pretty normal lives it turns out! a lot of us can get by and sort of manage! #even if it means masking and coping as needed #i don't think you have to be mentally ill to react to the death note the way light did #i do think it oiled some clockwork that was already ticking though #anyway. light is socially competent to some degree because he tries to be. sometimes it backfires. sometimes he misses. normal stuff #trying to say he is objectively socially adept or inept is futile though #but ig what is death note without black and white thinking and what is the dn fandom without diving into the nuances under the surface layer

[ohanny]

stabby murder husbands kentakim au!

does this make much sense? no. is it going to be long? yes. am i sometimes very happy about what my mentally ill lil brain cooks up while i sleep? very much so.

tony chen is a rotten super villain in every universe but in this one kenta was his assassin until he finally had enough, turned on his master during the bloodiest night known in these circles, john wick style, and then disappeared off the face of the earth. was tony running the high table? how deep does the lore go? who knows. i was asleep. my brain did not have the capacity to figure it all out.

flash forward some years. kenta is living a normal life. he has a boring office job. he’s reconnected with babe, his estranged brother who ran away from home at the first sight of sketchy activities and was spared from all of tony’s bullshit. unfortunately for kenta, babe - happily married and pregnant - is channelling all his extra hormones and boredom into a mission to socialize his hermit crab of an older brother.

which is how kenta ends up eating dinner in babe and charlie’s warehouse loft of doom, sitting opposite of kim - a regular customer at the couple’s garage and a casual friend. it’s an awkward affair because a) kim can't stop staring b) babe keeps shooting these looks at kenta all “see, i brought you a hot ginger, do something with it” and c) kenta would much rather be at home. unsurprisingly, when kim offers him a ride home at the end of the evening, kenta says no.

this turns out to be a bad call because on his way home, kenta gets jumped. it happens sometimes - after all, he was tony’s weapon for over a decade and made a lot of enemies, no one can escape their past without occasionally being haunted by it. except this time when he limps out of the alleyway, clutching a minor stab wound on his side, there is a car idling by the pavement.

it's kim, rolling down the window and telling kenta to get his ass in. against his better judgment kenta does.

kim speeds off the scene of the crime with the kind of ease and confidence kenta has only ever seen from babe. it quickly becomes apparent that he knows way more about kenta than he should because he starts asking about cameras and when kenta just stares blankly - bleeding all over the nice upholstery - kim laughs and says “don’t worry, even if you got a bit rusty and missed one, i know a guy. or two. since they live with me you'll meet them soon anyway.”

and fuck, kenta should have just trusted his instincts instead of chalking kim making him nervous up to having someone so pretty pay any level of attention to him. he finally finds his voice (and lowkey also his knife) and demands to know who the hell kim is or if he's even called that. “oh i am,” kim answers gleefully, “and you could say i’m a… freelancer.” which, great. just amazing. kenta is being kidnapped by some amateur bounty hunter and his day officially couldn't get any worse.

… but it does. because once they reach their destination, the second he's ushered into an apartment he's greeted by an obnoxiously loud scream of “holy shit, he actually did it!” followed by a slightly less obnoxiously loud “our kimmy here is a big fan!” and then “oh fuck he’s bleeding all over the place, get the med kit dumbass!” and kenta realizes he wasn't kidnapped by some amateur bounty hunter. he was kidnapped by a fucking fan boy. on the bright side they do seem to be capable of basic wound care so there's that.

(yes, the trio is living their best mercenary vigilante life. kenta’s purge of tony happened right as kim was getting into the game and he went full “holy fucking shit, this man took down tony fucking chen and got away with it?” and basically became obsessed with the legendary lore of john wick kenta. so imagine how pumped he was when babe of all people introduced him to his ultimate murder crush goals)

kim: obviously you'll need to stay the night since you're so injured. You can have my room. i’ll just sleep with north and sonic.

kenta: …

sonic: you have a problem with three men sleeping together?

kenta: … no?

north: great! but if you hypothetically did you could ask kim to share with you instead because trust me, he's like super interes -

kim: shut up or i’ll evict you.

north: pls, whose day job is paying the bills here since you only take on charity cases?

kim: my name is on the lease! and i'm being a good person!

sonic: honey, you kill people.

this is where i got with my dream sequence but other things that just make sense in this verse:

the first person kim ever killed was winner. he was a toxic college hook up who kim dumped after few gos but who wouldn't take no for an answer. kim could have dealt with him being a dick on campus but then he started harassing kim’s dorm mates, north and sonic and kim just… snapped.

it all came to head on an alley behind a trashy gay bar. winner tried to grab sonic and kim honestly just meant to beat the shit out of him but went too far. when they read the news the next day it's weird. none of them regret it. they’re happy about it. and when no one knocks on their door to ask any questions, they realize how easy it actually is to get rid of a bad person.

the second person kim kills is a campus dirtbag who likes slipping shit into girls’ drinks and taking them home. they plan it all together but kim goes out alone and after… he's a mess. winner was a crime of passion in the heat of the moment but this is something different. he's all keyed up. he can't settle down and paces around their living room. a man is dead and he thinks he got off clean but only time will tell. he's nervous and elated and half-hard and full of adrenaline and it's sonic who nudges north and goes “look at the poor thing, we should take care of him.”

the night ends with kim’s head on sonic’s lap, sonic’s fingers in his hair, telling him he did well and he's so good when he cries as he's getting fucked into the mattress by north. kim wakes up sandwiched between them, in a mess of limbs. he has a very brief freak out about what the happened - the sex, not the murder - but north shushes him, telling him it’s not a big deal. “we love you, hyungie” sonic shrugs and pecks his cheek. “you two get some more rest and i’ll bring breakfast, okay?” and that's that.

needless to say kenta is in for a culture shock with the northsonickim arrangement. like he's taking a shower with kim and things are getting good when sonic barges into the bathroom, yanks the shower curtain back and goes on a rant of “kim, you gotta tell north to do the laundry because it was his turn but he forgot and now my favorite pants still have cum stains on them!” and kenta is like “um, excuse us?” but kim just rolls his eyes and proceeds to yell for north and then has an entire damn conversation with his dick out while kenta just stands there all 🧍‍♂️. (after he's done chewing north out for the laundry, he turns to sonic like “and you! we talked about this! kenta is new, we don't want to spook him!”)

the whole murder thing will be another conflict. kenta is happily retired. he killed because that's what he was raised to do and he didn't have any other options until he did. kim though? kim kills because he wants to. kim kills because he believes certain people deserve to die.

kim: i have a date with a wife beater at 2am. wanna come?

kenta: stop calling them dates. and you shouldn't be so… flippant about it.

kim, smirking while pulling on his leather gloves: don't tell me you never enjoyed it.

while kenta’s kills were always obvious hits, done using knives and guns, kim likes to deliver justice personally. he warms up using his hands and finishes the job with whatever blunt object he can pick up.

one time kenta’s boring office job takes him out of town for business and kim is climbing the walls. he calls kenta all “please quit and just become a hit man again, the pay is better and you'd be home when i need you” and kenta sighs because yes, his job is boring but he's trying his best to be normal and he has a morning meeting. so he tells kim to go occupy himself with north and sonic

kim: wait.. What?

kenta: don't you guys have sex with each other all the time?

kim: we did, BEFORE i met you

kenta: … huh. well. go fuck or get fucked or whatever before you start hunting pedestrians for stress relief.

kim: is this a trap?

kenta: no? i would never mess with whatever the three of you have.

Kim barging into north and sonic’s room, growling at them to take their clothes off and sonic’s first reaction is “oh shit, they broke up” but then kim’s like “dick first, rings second, i’m going to wife that man so hard he won't know what hit him” and everyone cheers and no one feels bad about having a pre-engagement celebration threesome not involving one of the grooms.

also, pete? did he step up after tony’s death? does he run a business like the continental? is way his weird attic wife that fucked himself over in the business and now can't step a foot outside the hotel without getting his brains blown out the less fun way? in any case he would have an eye on both kenta (because their whole… brotherhood) and kim (because kim is a wild card and truly independent and neither follows nor knows the code).

#pit babe the series #kentakim #northsonic #northsonickim #please play in my sandbox with or without me

[crushedsweets]

do you perhaps have any or more ticciwork hcs.. like how they are with each other 😊😊 !1!1 idk!! any hcs that has something to do with them together. I heart them

hi anon. i got u . i got u . i got u. this is more how they meet in my au. ill do cutesy headcanons eventually. i tried to break this up into different sections but its kinda long and a lot to swallow ... sorry LOL. it doesnt even get outright shippy/romantic but its cool

OK BACKSTORY

ok so in my au. the operator is what drove toby to kill his dad, and he spent a couple months under the operators influence acting like an entire menace. tim and brian got orders from slender to intercept this, but slender realized toby would follow like a loyal dog after being 'saved'. so proxy toby it is.

clockwork was under the operators influence right before her trip to the psychiatric ward, and it lasted maybe 7 months? luckily for Her, her family's death and her disappearance went relatively under the radar cuz theyre seen 'trailer trash' with no friends/presence in any community. she's fighting to hold down a job since she keeps getting fired for going weeks with no contact.

ok HOW THEY MET

they met because toby was stalking a household that natalie wanted to kill the dad of. natalie would be in the middle of an operator episode, where she's behaving erratically, her eyes were glossed over, she is SIGNIFCANTLY stronger than usual. typically, toby would be much stronger than this lanky malnourished girl, but not that night.

they got into a bit of a tussle that Toby's struggling to win. a light in the house turned on cuz of the noise and toby was like Oh fuck this. and he runs off. the flash of the light kinda disturbed clocky and she half regains her senses and runs off too, but still not fully in control. she doesnt realize that shes following toby, but the operator knows this is another chance to kill one of slender's proxies (plus the operator was in control of toby a year prior, before slender took over).

eventually tobys back on the path to the forest, walking through some rural cornfield area and thinking long and hard about nat. and shes looking for him. shes being insanely fucking creepy and slashing at the corn and bushes (she has a machete now). toby tics, and she yells about how she hears him, etc. he's starting to piece together that shes under the operators influence and hes like 'slenders gonna be so hyped i got him a new proxy' (slender does not want her .)

HOW THEY....became friends..?

he eventually plays a game of cat and mouse and gets her to follow him to the cabin. pretty quickly tim and brian are up and they get her down, duct taped her arms, tied her to a random pipe in the kitchen, and spend some time debating on what to do. shes swapping between screaming, thrashing, foaming at the mouth and just sitting there silently staring off into the void and swaying. eventually she gets out of the episode and she's acting normal, albeit angry and covered in dirt. they get her off the pipe and talk to her.

ive mentioned how slender um kinda grossly leaks an inky liquid.... and it has effects... ok yea drink that and the operator eventually loses control over you. toby kinda explains it to her. in complete desperation and exhaustion, natalie's like "you can fix this ? you can stop the amnesia and waking up in random peoples blood??? you can stop me from going into random fucking cornfields acting like a monster????". toby was like yea:3 SURE CAN

but it hurts. its physically painful, mentally exhausting, it's almost like withdrawal symptoms. It can take a couple weeks to months to finally get the operator off, and multiple doses of the ink. again, tim and brian do NOT live full time at the cabin, so she's left with toby mostly. its really uncomfortable. theyre both awkward assholes. tobys intentionally blunt, natalie grew up with no filter. but toby has this weird complex where he's convinced the boss is gonna be soooo happy that toby did this 'for him.' so he keeps it up.

usually they just kinda coexist.. but tobys on edge all the time. the second she gets weirdly quiet and starts spacing out, toby gets kinda aggressive and starts suggesting he needs to restrain her or some weird shit. they have gotten into another physical fight when she was in another episode, but tim and brian pulled them off of eachother. she rarely remembers it, and toby doesnt bring it up cuz hes embarrassed that natalie is as strong as him when under the influence. but she's ..kinda like a willing prisoner ? she really doesnt wanna be there but she wants to be done with feeling possessed. occasionally she gets really violent and her eyes roll back and she has to be duct taped and locked in a room over night or else she might kill toby. the next morning toby mumbles apologies as he cuts off the tape and rubs her wrists for her. she understands, even if she hates it.

AFTER THE OPERATOR

a couple weeks go by of pain, then a month of normalcy. the operator gets his claws off natalie and she's like. ugh. ok. that fucking sucked ass. fuck you guys. but thanks.

slenderman doesnt want her. she literally doesnt care that he doesnt want her tho LMFAO she didnt want to be a proxy. tobys pissed and is mad at her for like a week even tho its not even her fault. but anyway..

tim hated being around her because 1. it hurts to see a young girl crying and writhing in pain 2. it hurts to see what you used to be like. brians chill, he always fed her, he's brought her some books and stuff.

but, of course, she spent the most time with toby - and they got closer. theyd sit and talk, he'd bring her around the forest, kinda explain a lot of um. The Lore. LOL. toby introduced her to jack, theyve gone swimming together, taught her how to cut down trees, she's drawn him and he's in awe. she loves books and stories but has pretty bad dyslexia, so he read a book out loud for her once. they kinda both poked fun at eachother ('ur stutter is making this annoying' 'at least i can fucking read') and ended up never doing that again LMFAOOO but he started hooking up audio books for her. it was kinda cringe for them both, but a sweet gesture

she finally started working as a waitress/bartender in this underground shady ass bar. the patrons started to love her bc she's tall like a model, long hair, nice voice, witty, has a sharp tongue. fits right in with the grimy atmosphere. toby gets grossed out anytime he comes to visit her/pick her up and middle aged men are saying bye to her. he doesnt know if its jealousy or if its generally just ew. she rightfully complains about it tho so he's like 'heh.... knew it.... she wouldnt want those guys.....' hes so annoying i love him

he helps fix up a nice little barn for her, cuz slender gets riled up anytime she's at the cabin for more than a few days. something something about not wanting a distraction or 'outsiders' there.

but yeah :3

they never end up dating in my lore though. they never even admit having feelings for eachother. nats real good at pushing these things down, and toby just doesnt think its worth it. (plus i want toby to also have a little arc with jack.. LMFAOAOAO SORRY im a ticciwork and ticcijack shipper my bad).

eventually they do stop having feelings for eachother, but everything remains the same. theyre really close. theyre cute. i love them.

thank you anon

#asks #creeped #hcs #ticci toby #clockwork creepypasta #natalie ouellette #ticciwork #creepypasta #creepypasta headcanon

[copperbadge]

Sam, you are NOT a “weirdo.” The neurology of the human mind exists on a spectrum; ALL humans are *biologically* “neurodiverse” and have extremely variable interior experiences. One of the most difficult concepts for ANY writer to grasp is that of “other minds, other perspectives”, and on that you already WELL ahead of the curve. 😊😎

Yikes, my response to this turned into a whole-ass essay so first, two things:

1. Thank you for the compliment, a number of people reached out to tell me that I write very well for people who see images when they read. That is extremely reassuring so I very much appreciate it.

2. I’m about to say a lot of shit that is only vaguely, tangentially related to what you’re saying here so my usual disclaimer applies: I appreciate what you said and I am not yelling AT you, I am yelling NEAR you. :D 

So. On the one hand, yes, humanity is diverse and we can only be ourselves, or a version of ourselves that is tolerable to live with. On the other hand, culture also sets down rules that say this is usual, this is unusual, this is acceptable, this is unacceptable. We don't live in a spectacular culture for "this is acceptable" but most of us are aware that what we think of as "normal" is narrow and fucked-up. But it’s tough to go beyond that to discuss how we relate to “normal”. 

It's something I'm grappling with and it's not something that it's easy to grapple with visibly because of that -- because the minute you call yourself weird or a freak or anything that denotes "not normal", or even when you just talk about “normal” as a concept, people reassure you that normal is an illusion, it's a construct. Which is true! And it’s good to model self-acceptance for people who are still struggling with that. 

The problem is that it limits how much you can discuss feeling outside of normal. And I do feel that way, because of the ADHD diagnosis and other stuff too. I feel that way a lot, these days. Like, a painful amount. Like, a questioning who I am on some very basic levels amount. So...there have to be ways to talk about the reality of normal. 

While normal is a construct, it’s still there -- as a culture we have a concept of normal that matters, regardless of whether it ought. We don’t have great pathways to say “Hey, I’m struggling with feeling like I’m not normal” because people want to assure you that you don’t have to feel normal...but sometimes you want to, because normal is what is culturally approved and it’s hard to be an outlier. Worse, if you’re visibly outside of normal, we tend to very violently police you for it. 

I’m lucky in that I’m pretty ordinary-looking, so I don’t get policed very often, but I‘m very aware of the policing of invisible disability because I have siblings with learning disabilities, and my whole family has some degree of mental illness. Lately I have watched my mother struggle because she needs aids to walk and feels like people are staring at her and saying she’s old and of no worth, a drain on society. The world reinforces that by doing things like making her get to the airport FOUR HOURS EARLY in order to get wheelchair service (and then “losing” her name so she still almost misses her flight). 

You don’t have to be normal, but if you aren’t, you still have to put up with the dickheads who think you should be, who will punish you for deviance. There's a disparity between "healthy ways for you to feel about this" and "how society will feel about this". 

To circle back to my mother, who internalized the ableism and misogyny of the 1950s and 60s and barely escaped being labeled a Fridge Mommy in the 80s because of my brother’s autism....I was raised in a family where there was a very strong value placed on being normal. It was particularly strong for me, because I was the normal one. My parents could not handle the idea that all of their kids had special needs. They needed me to be normal, not least because if I was normal I could help raise my siblings, which I did. And that's been my identity my whole life: the normal one.

Normal is a construct but unfortunately it’s the construct on which my entire identity has hung for forty years.

And my attitude -- not that this was conscious -- was that if you have to be forced into that role, if you must fulfill the exhausting demands of being normal, then you should also get the rewards. The more normal you are, the more power you have. That’s incredibly unhealthy but it’s even more harmful not to admit it happened. And so I have been shoving myself into this identity of “Oh no, that’s not me. I’m not disabled, I’m not queer, I’m not special, I’m a mediocre white dude” because to admit otherwise is to relinquish the protection of normal. 

So...I wish we had a word like “normal” but with an extra connotation of “Look, I know normal is just a privileged idea of what everyone should be but it’s also heavily enforced in our society so we need to acknowledge it still exists”. 

I’m not normal. I am a weirdo. I’m more a weirdo now than I’ve ever been. There has to be a space to say that, to say “Normal exists and I’m not it and I feel fucked up about it” because how else do you rebuild an identity? 

I think it is important to reassure people that normal is an idea, not a law of nature, and I appreciate everyone who chimed in with that. But I think it’s also important to acknowledge that it’s really hard to suddenly find yourself outside of normal, and start thinking about ways in which we can support that struggle when we see someone stuck in it. Maybe disability activists have something to say about this and I’m covering old ground; I’m not well-read beyond the basics. I don’t know what the answer is myself, I’m still really stuck in the middle of this, but I think there must be more options open to us than the reassurance that normal isn’t real. 

#disability #mental health #ableism

[somesecretpie]

hello! sorry to bother you with this out of nowhere, but do you think ocd might come with auditory hallucinations, seeing trippy stuff when you close your eyes, daily sleep paralysis and stuff of the like? im basically living in a constant state of fear but there are no compulsions to speak of so i had ruled ocd out, but your comic just shed one hell of a light on my current state of affairs. thank you very much, and once again im sorry for this - its just that i really dont have anything else to turn to lol

Hi there,

I’m sorry you are going through this right now. I’m not really an authority on mental health I am just a goober who made a comic and this is mostly a comic blog. But I’m going to try and give you some relevant information anyway:

A frequent obsession a lot of people with OCD can have is their own mental health. “Am I psychotic?” Is a big fear that can lead to someone overanalyzing their experiences and worrying that blurry things they see in their periphery, stuff they aren’t sure they heard, static patterns when they close their eyes, and sleep paralysis are signs of psychosis. The “compulsion” to ease the anxiety of possibly being psychotic might be reading over lists of different mental illnesses to make sure you don’t have one or repeatedly “checking” to see if things are real. And that repeated checking might cause a fear cycle.

But this could also be genuine psychosis. Having hallucinations is pretty scary and could easily explain the fear. But I want you to know that being psychotic is not the end of the world that media and culture often makes it out to be. Many of my homies have hallucinations and various psychotic disorders and they live relatively normal lives. It can be rough, but like OCD, there’s many things you can do to help manage psychosis-causing mental illness.

I don’t know if you have OCD. Maybe you do. Maybe you have a different mental illness. It is also entirely possible (and common) to have both OCD AND other mental illnesses.

I would seriously recommend seeking professional help, if you are able. I know it can be really scary, but I promise they aren’t going to lock you away and your life isn’t going to be over if they diagnose you with something. You can better learn how to cope and treat yourself if you figure out what is wrong, and when you are scared and full of doubt, it can be hard to do that alone. Attempting to self-diagnose, when you have anxiety, can easily send you spiraling.

[juvellianovo]

Hello! I have a request, but imma start off by saying that I love your fanfictions and writing!

But I have a request, what if a child!Mc had an "imagery friend" that's secretly a demon? But the demon is super friendly towards her and helps her out w stuff (like reaching for stuff on the counter that she can't reach). But he kinda hates the demon brothers bc they yell at mc when she does something bad.

The demon brothers only found out about him when they all walked in to the living room and saw Mc talking to her reflection (that's how she communicates w her imaginary friend). And when the brothers ask her who she's talking to she said something along the lines of "my friend" then continued to talk to the mirror where her friend was.

How would the demon brothers react? (+ siemon, diavolo, barbie and Solomon)

Thank you anon💖^•^ part 2 masterlist

I'd like to think of an whole ass scenario and also my writings aren't proofread EVER and that goes for everything in my blog. Just a caution💖^^

This the big brothers edition part.1

Part 2 coming soon.

Sorry for the late

I have been fainting a lot these few days and have been under a lot of emotional pressure for a few weeks.

Also I am thinking of turning this into a AU so I would like to know as to what anon I can address you as when giving creds for this in my future posts?

So I think this demon is actually really strong. Cause to avoid the seven RULERS of hell he'd have to be pretty sneaky and all. And actually he is stronger than the king of devildom ya'know like an OP character. Because of backstory shit he hide his powers but once he almost revealed it his mother sealed his powers and binded him inside a ruby which you so happened to find.

When you touched the ruby and the ruby transferred inside you so now he is binded with your soul. Although he is not always with you as he has a "void" that he resides in. He has like a bratty personality. Like the that one bad guy at school that actually has a soft spot for special people

His powers were still sealed. He was so mad at the attic incident. He felt that if only his powers weren't sealed he would have ripped the brothers in shreds. The amount of tears he was shedding

Amount of pain he felt when he couldn't do anything while you were infront of him.

After the incident something in Barbatos's power unlocked his powers again.

He does not have a name so he asks you to name him. At first you called him shadow but one day you saw a word that meant adoration/affection "Sneho"(it's a bangla word)

Lucifer

Lucifer once saw a flying can going to you but he thought that you had used some kind of spell that Satan probs taught you not to mention your height.

Lucifer often had thrown things at him when you were being lectured for too long too!

Lucifer always thought that it was one of his brothers that had did this small prank

But when he saw you talking to yourself

This mans fr thought you had gone mentally ill

He was a bit confused as to who you were talking to so asked who you were talking to

When you said my friend this man was still confused so he came closer and took a look at your mirror

At first glance it would seem like your normal reflection but when looked at closely there was a demon inside laughing and giggling

This man nearly had a heart attack cause never had he ever thought of seeing something like this (+he is old)

Immediately pushes you away from the mirror.

Tries to communicate with the mirror

Then sneho makes an appearance.

After hearing everything from sneho and confirming it by talking to you this man is speechless.

I guess he will try to get along by introducing sneho to his brothers

Sneho is an absolute bitch with Lucifer.

He will try to cause as many troubles as possible to give this man a headache.

Immediately reports to Diavolo and investigates

Mammon

He also saw flying cans

He saw you fly did his human ascend

Yeah super concerned

Saw you talking to the mirror

Now I headcannon that Mammon likes kids so he probs knows that kids often have these imaginary friends

Goes to talk to your imaginary friend but freaks out.

Since Mammon was passed onto lucifer rather than given directly to lucifer I headcannon that Mammon is th younger brother of Micheal. So in a fight between Lucifer and Mammon. Mammon will win cause he is stronger.

So since Mammon is stronger he immediately notices the demon inside. Especially the incredible amount of power that was comming out of Sneho.

Almost thrashes the mirror bc of his fight or flight instincts.

You will constantly try to calm Mammon down but Mammon is in his demon form ready to fight Sneho.

Somehow you Manage to explain to Mammon

And Sneho actually has a soft spot for Mammon bc Mammon was the only one who cared and cied for you.

Expect Sneho and Mammon to fight everyday on who gets your attention.

If Sneho sticks too close to you expect a piercing shriek from Mammon.

Will probs cover ya'll up until Lucifer himself discovers about Sneho

Leviathan

Nah this man never noticed

He even barely comes out of his room.

He only noticed when you were taking to long to find the controller and he catches you talking to a mirror.

The same reaction as Lucifer thinks you've gone mentally unstable bc of his brothers

He knew it! It's all his brothers fault!

He tried to save you from their normie asses!

But suddenly remembers Mammon talking about kids having imaginary friends

When he realizes that you're talking to a demon levi.protectivemode.on

P A N I C💥

He is easier to calm down and to explain to

Probably talk to sneho quite a lot.

Sneho is pissed of Levi bc of that one time when levi turned into his demon forn against you.

#new au! #Anon! au! #child mc! #obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me child mc! #obey me Lucifer #obey me Mammon #Obey me Leviathan #obey me big bro edition #Oc! #OC! Sneho #demon sneho #headcannon #anon ask #🖤🖤🖤juve

[kinny-21]

Some back story about the Bim and Lowy story because I've been too lazy to talk about the important part of the story

So this story is based around like a top secret laboratory with lots of scientists that work on many different experiments, the main dude that runs the place is Axo. He "adopts" two young kids (Bim and Lowy) (at the time being 6 and 9)and pretty much makes them little experiments too, as they grow older he starts to notice one of them is different from the other and more violent than the other (Lowy) come to find out he's just extremely mentally ill💀. Bim being calm and normal while Lowy being violent, he separates them to run test on Lowy (Axo literally realizing that Lowy is insane), but Axo uses that to turn him into this "m>rder we@pon" and as Lowy grows older he starts sending him on missions to Ass@ssinate other creatures that either run big places or have failed to do things for Axo like people he hired. While Axo is doing this he realizes that Bim is pretty much useless and is too soft to do anything. so he manipulates Lowy into disliking him (hating him or being jealous of him) and that's when Lowy attacks Bim (and makes him mute) So Axo doesn't know what to do with him after words so he just gets rid of him( at this time Bim is 9 and Lowy is 12)

Whare the story is based now Bim is 23 and Lowy is 26 (but they are no longer in contact with each other because Axo has got Lowy as his little ass@ssinator and Bim just lives a regular life) but Lowy has no idea that Bim is even alive

That's all😼😼😼😼 (THIS IS FOR A STORY)

#artists on tumblr #original character #original story #lowy #bim #anthropomorphic #anthropomorphic characters #story stuff

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

I didn’t plan things this way, but it turns out it’s Mental Health Weekend in my stand-up comedy watching. By which I mean the three stand-up hours I downloaded to watch this weekend happened to all tackle that subject, in wildly different ways. Which isn’t that massive a coincidence, I guess, as a lot of stand-up hours do this. But these ones really find three quite different and specific takes on the subject.

Dan Rath – I’m Not Doing Well, Folks (2023)

Do you like Sam Campbell? Well, meet his weird Australian friend! Seriously, I’ve also heard the show Greg Larsen was doing last year, and I’m increasingly convinced that Sam Campbell is the normal one among his people in Australia.

I’d heard Dan Rath’s pervious show, Cockroach Party, which was released as one of the ABC comedy podcasts. I liked it, but I think I kind of listened to it at the wrong time, while on break at work. Listening to this one while at home doing nothing makes me think his shows deserve more attention, because there were a lot of jokes that I would not have caught if I’d been less careful. Anyway, for whatever reason, Cockroach Party made me like him, but I’m Not Doing Well Folks (which was his 2023 show and was just released on YouTube) has made me think he’s brilliant and has moved far higher on the list of people I’d love to see live.

I laughed out loud so many times when watching this, hard and uncontrollably in the way that you usually don’t when just watching something on your own in your room. The whole show was constant and quick and ever-changing so you never really settle down and stop laughing so much.

There were only a few topics that he stays with for a significant period of time, one of which is mental illness, so that’s why I said this was on theme. It’s very much not “let me be confessional and vulnerable about the dramatic mental illness I’ve suffered” (not that there’s anything wrong with that, the other two shows I watched today were that and they were also great). It is jokes about autism, in what would be a case of “Oh, you can’t say that” if he weren’t autistic. At least, I think he’s autistic. He repeatedly says he’s autistic, and the vast majority of what he says during this show is clearly not true, but if there’s one claim in this whole show I don’t find it hard to believe, it’s Dan Rath being autistic.

It's not storytelling comedy, it’s definitely not sketch or anything like that, there are a few one-liners but most bits are longer than that, it’s not not character comedy but not the way Anna Mann is a character. The way Joe Wilkinson is a character. It’s a really, really funny character. His stuff about serial killers made me nearly cry with laughter. It had a few little bits that I recognized from Cockroach Party, but most of it was new, and I thought nearly every single bit was good. His disarming way of saying something offhandedly and then immediately moving on got me every time.

I’m going to have “I don’t give a fuck if the robots take over. I’m autistic, they’ll hire me as an interpreter,” stuck in my head for a while.

Lulu Popplewell – Actually, Actually (2023)

I have to admit: I mainly watched this show because I fucking hate Love, Actually. I didn’t see that movie until last year, which I guess was too late in life to watch it. Too late in my life, and too late in history, as a lot of the shit that apparently “seemed okay at the time” really no longer seemed okay by then. Though I’m pretty sure I’d have thought this even if I saw it when it came out. I turned 13 in 2003, and I spent a fair bit of 2003 telling people that various things on TV were sexist, and getting told to stop being oversensitive, and then as an adult I read these articles that say “Wow, I can’t believe all the blatant sexism and homophobia in the sitcom Friends that no one noticed at the time!” Well I noticed! But no one listened!

I didn’t watch Love, Actually in 2003. I watched it in 2023, because my mother talked me into it. It’s been a running thread between my mother and I since about 2003 that she always wanted a daughter to do things like watch romcoms with, and when I was 13 I’d just say no and it would turn into big fights, but as an adult, I try to occasionally be more flexible. And sometimes they’re good! Sometimes I learn that my knee-jerk hatred for all the feminine-coded things that were forced upon me in my youth is misplaced, and these things can be fun. I’d thought Love, Actually might be like that. Not really my sort of movie, but if I agree to suspend my disbelief and buy into the world of romcom tropes, then it can be fun.

Love, Actually was not fun. Love, Actually was pure shit from start to finish, no matter how much I tried to remind myself that you’re supposed to relax about the less believable bits. There is a certain level of romanticization of workplace sexual harassment that I’m willing to overlook for the sake of trying to enjoy a romcom with my mother, and this movie was many times over that limit. I was truly amazed by the large number of different types of terrible people they managed to fit into one movie. I’d heard people say before that “You know, when you really think about it, that story in Love, Actually isn’t even really romantic, it’s creepy and mean that he tries to steal his best friend’s wife.” As though that’s that biggest problem! As though attempted infidelity is even worth commenting on, when it’s next to severe sexual harassment by literally the most powerful job in the land! Or that other workplace harassment where a guy follows his non-English-speaking employee to a different country? And then Alan Rickman is just walking around cheating on his wife in the background. I think Martin Freeman was all right, oddly.

I don’t mind a movie about terrible people, but portray it that way! Give us a movie about creepy horrible people getting away with it all the time. Not a movie where we’re apparently supposed to hope things work out well for some of them. Honestly, I’m shocked that this got by even by 2003 standards.

Anyway. I know Paul Sinha’s done a show talking shit about that movie, and I wish he’d recorded that because I’d love to see Paul Sinha apply his brand of intellectualism to taking that apart. But this week I saw that NextUp has up a show that Lulu Popplewell streamed from Edinburgh in 2023. She played one of the children in Love, Actually, and is now an adult. From the description, I got the impression that a lot of the show would be her taking down Love, Actually. I watched the show because I wanted to see that.

So you can imagine my surprise when it was in fact a show about mental illness and addiction, and the Love, Actually thing was just a little bit of structure around which she tied it. Luckily, it was quite a good show about mental illness and addiction, so I don’t blame her for clearly using the eye-catching fact that she was a child actor in a very famous movie to sell it in her blurb. That got me to watch, and I liked what it turned out to actually be. And there was some talking shit about Love, Actually.

She talked about a bunch of things I find interesting, the way addiction can be an underlying personality trait and if you’re addicted to one thing you’ll probably keep getting addicted to other things, and addictions to “obvious” things like alcohol can be deeply interconnected with gambling or shopping or video games or disordered eating. I said at the beginning of this post that comedians talking about mental health is hardly rare, which it isn’t, but she definitely covers some of the “harder stuff” than what you normally hear, or than what most people experience (in as much as most people experience some amount of mental health difficulty). She talks openly, but while acknowledging the awkwardness that can come with that kind of openness, about psychosis and addiction and rehab. In addition to a specific perspective she has on how misogyny affects women in the public eye.

And she makes jokes. That seems worth pointing out, it did make me laugh. It started a bit slow; for the first fifteen or so minutes I was thinking this might be one of those shows where she says interesting things but doesn’t make me laugh much. But the more she established herself within the show, the better her jokes got, and by the end she made me laugh out loud several times. I thought the second half of this show was definitely stronger than the first, but none of it was bad. Her persona went very fast from “privileged child star” to “absolute mess” (as it so often goes with child stars), though she keeps reminding us that she’s in recovery now and is in a place to talk about it with some perspective.

I enjoyed this one, and like I said, I did get some of the complaining about Love, Actually that I’d hoped for. I’m glad I watched it.

Richard Gadd – Monkey See Monkey Do (2016)

I was reminded of this show’s existence by the fact that his new TV show Baby Reindeer has just come out, which I haven’t seen but would look to watch at some point, it looks very interesting. That reminded me that last year I had a quest to see or hear every Perrier Award-winning show for which I could find a recording. I’d never seen the Richard Gadd one that won in 2016, so I looked it up, and found that it did get filmed for those Soho Theatre sessions. I added that to my collection. In case anyone wants to keep score with me, my folder with (audio or video) recordings of Perrier Award-winning shows now has the winners from: 1999, 2003, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2013, 2016, 2017 (x2), 2018, 2019, 2022, and 2023. If anyone knows of others that have been recorded, please let me know.

I wasn’t quite sure what to expect with this show. I’d read that it was pretty conceptual, and I’d read that it was about trauma, but I hadn’t expected just how much of both those things it would be, until I watched it. It was a lot of both those things. It wasn’t stand-up with a couple of props in it – it was a story told via recorded audio and video and a man in a thematically relevant costume who runs on a treadmill for most of the show, which is a very physically impressive feat, aside from anything else. And it wasn’t just a show that gets into trauma – it was 47 minutes of trauma. And I thought it was great.

I hesitate a bit to say too much about it, partly because it feels weird to “rate” something so personal (even though all comedy is subjective and “rating” it is always kind of bullshit). Partly because I don’t watch a lot of comedy that gets to this level of “conceptual”, so I don’t feel confident in my ability to know good stuff from bad stuff when I see it (though I’m not the only person who thought this one was very good, they gave it an award and everything). And partly because I found a lot of it so impactful that if anyone is considering watching it, I don’t want to spoil too much (though it’s a show from 2016, I don’t think spoilers are a large issue).

He got into a bunch of interesting stuff in this show, about masculinity and sexual assault and mental illness, presenting in what I found a very immediate and hard-hitting way. Especially the sounds and whatever else he was doing to bring to live his descriptions of anxiety.

It often annoys me when comedians comment on how an audience “isn’t sure if they’re allowed to laugh” at something they’ve said – because often, the comedian is overestimating their own edginess, what they’ve said wasn’t “too uncomfortable” to laugh at, it just wasn’t that great. In this Richard Gadd show, he never said “I can see the audience trying to decide whether they’re allowed to laugh right now”, but there were multiple points when I could tell the audience were trying to decide whether they were allowed to laugh at that funny bit. Or maybe I’m just projecting, because that’s what I was doing.

This very much was one of those shows people make jokes about because they’re a bit overdone and can be painfully embarrassing if not done well – a comedy show that lets itself have significant portions that aren’t funny, they’re a person telling us very honestly and intensely about something harrowing. But I do like those shows when they’re good, and this one was, and about something important. And some of it was definitely funny. I would like to watch his new TV show at some point.

[starry-blue-echoes]

So this is my first time asking someone something on their blog BUT I REALLY WANTED TO KNOW

How would Jolyne come into play with you Vampiric Joot au?

Does he never meet his wife? Or if he does would she know? Would this be a reason for Jotaro leaving Her and Jolyne behind?

PLEASE I NEED ANSWERS 🙏

OKAY SO

ILL ADMIT IM STILL TRYING TO FIGURE THIS OUT TOO

Currently the best working idea I have is something like this:

So it’s been a couple years at this point since he’d been turned, and maybe Holly gets into a minor accident. Nothing life threatening, but definitely a “oh this injury usually comes with older age” type thing and it’s enough for the full meaning of his agelessness to finally hit. Sure, normally this wouldn’t have meant much, its expected that kids outlive their parents, but knowing that the outliving is because of something unnatural, something monstrous…… well, that changes things

And this puts Jotaro in a not great mental place for a bit. After all, currently the sole reason he’s still able to live his life one day at a time is for her. And he…… genuinely doesn’t know what he would do with his life after she’s gone. Is it even worth living if she’s just going to die anyways? Should he even try??? He’s not even supposed to be alive after all, he should’ve died in Egypt

For weeks he ponders these things, walking for hours every night, leaving the house as soon as the sun is out of sight and just barely making it back when its deadly rays light the Earth once more

Sometimes he wonders what would happen if he stayed out for a bit longer

He never does, stopped only by the thought of his mother’s grief

He never really has anywhere in particular he travels to either. Anywhere he can reach and return from by the time the sun rises is fair game, and with super speed, stamina, and the ability to stop time that is very far

He finds himself drawn to tall places though. Bridges, towers, buildings, taller than average trees, you name it, he’s probably climbed it. Sometimes, when it’s abandoned and unnoticeable enough, he’ll even jump off instead of climbing down for those fleeting moments of weightlessness and freedom. Besides, it’s not like the fall’s going to kill him. At worst it’s a minor inconvenience

and what if during one of these times, he met someone.

A woman, an exchange student from America to be specific, who naturally had no idea he was immortal and thus was naturally very concerned.

Perhaps they meet a few more times. They talk, they grow closer, meet more and more and as the months pass by they even begin to fall in love

But it’s still so, so early into Jotaro’s life as a vampire. He still fears himself, still hates himself, and most importantly he fears loosing the people he loves. And that spark he began to feel for Jolyne’s mom? It terrified him

He stopped showing up after that.

Naturally and understandably, Jolyne’s mom gets pretty upset about this. Unfortunately for her though…… there isn’t really a whole lot she can do about it. She never got Jotaro’s last name, and he didn’t actually live in the area so she couldn’t just accidentally meet him again. She still tries to do some research to find him, but comes up completely empty. Eventually she gives up her search, returns to America and it’s like the whole thing never even happened

…….except for the fact that upon her return she learns that she’s now pregnant

However, unlike Giorno’s mother, she actually pays attention to and cares for her child, and thus ends up noticing Jolyne’s…… differences. The sun sensitivity, the preference for meats, sharp teeth, the slightly enhanced physical abilities, the regeneration, the list goes on and on and after a few years she is able to put together the facts and realizes her daughter is a vampire….. or at least something similar

On one hand, she’s VERY pissed that Jotaro never said anything about this and just up and disappeared on her without even a note or goodbye. However on the other, this explains so much about him and she does understand why he wouldn’t just say it, plus she doubted he knew she was pregnant(this one was technically hopeful thinking since she had no real was of knowing, and if she was proved wrong then she’d be even more pissed(dw she’s right, Jotaro has no idea))

So now she’s doing her best to raise a super natural daughter as a single mother while also doing everything in her power to keep said daughter secret and safe

Jolyne naturally knew she wasn’t “normal,” and while her mom didn’t talk about her father much(partially out of genuinely not knowing much) she was able to piece together that it mostly likely came from him. This time around she’s less bitter about him not being around enough and more about the fact that he just. Straight up doesn’t exist. Her mom admittedly does try to mitigate this, but only because of the fact that as far as she knew Jotaro had no idea Jolyne existed despite her best efforts to find him one more(again, also true Jotaro has no idea)

As for Part 6……

When Jolyne had been told she’d been sent something by her father, she’d been incredibly confused. She didn’t have a father. She still accepts the locket and it’s strange metal shard, accidentally pricking herself in the process (and minor note, unlike canon this locket doesn’t have a picture inside of it)

And then a few days when he VISITS...... she's even more surprised. She expected an older man, not someone who looked young enough to be her brother. Naturally she doesn’t trust him, she’s never even seen this man before, and technically she doesn’t even know if they’re even actually related.

The escape would go mostly the same I’d imagine, just this time with Jotaro’s gunshot wounds mostly being a distraction. He still gets his memory and Stand yoinked because of the distraction, but at least he’d not bleeding out so...... yay?

Jolyne also gets to see her comatose father begin to crumble to dust in the sun which Was Definitely An Experience

As for why Jotaro showed up and knew Jolyne existed....... honestly the best thing I got is the Foundation starting to look into Strange Possible Stand Phenomena of the past and also more of what Dio did in his spare, discovering Pucci, and somewhere in all that research learning “oh shit, Jotaro has a kid”

Why did Pucci target her? .........idk, maybe Fate did some fuckery which led to him learning before anyone else

#wORkiNG iDeA *proceeds to accidentally type out several long paragraphs* #I swear it didn't start like this is just tumbled out of control #also #*slaps roof of joatro* this bad boi is not okay in the slightest and I intend to capitalize on that #vampiric jotaro #jjba #jojo's bizarre adventure #stone ocean #jjba part 6 #jjba jotaro #jotaro kujo #jjba jolyne #jolyne kujo #hmmmmmm really need a name to give Jolyne's mom #jjba jolyne's mom #jolyne's mom #jjba holly #holly kujo #jjba pucci #enrico pucci #sb answers #anon

[ymaohoh]

Chrissy Ran Away - 3/3 - Fic

Chapter 3: On the wharf, I was caught in a tailspin

Eddie wasn’t being so friendly to her now. He’d barely spoken to her since she turned up covered in mud and leaves with a fucked up knee. He seemed to be doing his best to avoid her completely. What if Chrissy ran from Eddie after her vision? What if it pushed them apart? They share a joint and it gets much much worse. My take on 'Chrissy lives'.

Word Count: 10,188 (Oh god, I'm sorry)

Chapter: 3/3

Warning: some non-con touching about halfway through.

Also on Archive of Our Own.

Previous Chapter 1/3 here.

Previous Chapter 2/3 here.

(see end for notes)

------

Chrissy knew she was pretty. Knew she had a nice symmetrical face (according to a magazine quiz it was a ’heart-shape’) and people always remarked on her smile. Ever since middle school people had taken it upon themselves to comment on her looks as if she should be eternally grateful for their compliments and praise. She always pictured her mom’s screwed up face when she heard the word ugly - always saw the sewing machine she would bring out when she thought Chrissy looked heavy. The way she uttered the word ugly made it sound like the most awful thing that could ever happen. Forget about disease or poverty or mental illness. No no, being considered ugly was a sin in the Cunningham homestead. 

So Chrissy knew her appearance meant a lot. It held weight. It was the only real source of currency she owned and could trade off (you know - apart from actual currency). She had learned by the tender age of twelve (when her body started changing in funny new embarrassing ways) the impact her looks had on others and that other people felt good and treated her nice when she smiled and giggled and tried. 

Her mom would repeat over and over that appearance was everything. It didn’t matter how shitty you felt inside as long as you kept it to yourself. Chrissy’s mom was not a brilliant example of a good mom. Chrissy knew this. Her counsellor Ms Kelley knew this. Her father probably knew this though he would never lift a finger to help. Chrissy worried about turning into her mom one day but maybe the real worry was taking after her dad instead. Turning the cheek and ignoring what was right in front of you to keep up the facade of normal. Her parent’s greatest fear was to be abnormal and (God forbid) it tarnish their carefully curated reputation of a perfect upper-middle class wholesome family. Reagan’s wet dream, honestly. 

So even though Chrissy woke up the next morning feeling embarrassed and broken and totally called out, she could at least try not to look it. 

It was like when Jason asked about her headaches (which was weird in itself as he rarely noticed little things like that) and her automatic response had been to give him a pretty smile and lie and say they were probably due to her ‘monthly troubles’ instead. Jason had chuckled at that and rolled his eyes, appropriately (because society said it was okay) abashed. “Well take it easy, babe,” he’d said, pressing a distracted kiss to her cheek, his thoughts already turning to the big championship game coming up. “Have some candy or something.”

Because that’s what boyfriends did when you were unwell right? They’d buy flowers or chocolates or teddy bears with creepy stitched up mouths. 

Chrissy hadn’t really thought about Jason much over the last few days but instead of feeling guilty or worried she felt sort of…fine? In the films and TV shows she liked to watch, girls in trouble always went to their boyfriends first for comfort, but the idea of calling Jason now was just something she didn’t want to do. Was that unfair? Nancy’s boyfriend Jonathon (who she vaguely remembered from photography class) knew everything that was going on with Vecna and the upside-down world. She even caught the cute little looks Lucas and Max exchanged when they thought no one was watching, and Nancy’s brother Mike Wheeler was linked to this superhero El. They all seemed fine and even bolstered by sharing this madness with one another. 

She tried picturing Jason’s face if she told him about Vecna and nearly dying. Would he offer to come here and help Steve build up the defences? Show the freshmen how to shoot straight? Buy her candy? No, he’d probably get more angry at Eddie and the fact she was in his trailer, than her coming so close to having all her bones snapped and her eyes gouged out. He seemed so far removed from all this that she couldn’t fathom him beside her in this world of magic and hellfire. 

Eddie’s reproachful words from last night kept ringing in her ears… ‘did you hear what he did to that kid two weeks ago? Their parents had to pick them up’.

She was so ashamed. That poor kid. She was ashamed too that Eddie knew she had no idea about it. Like he assumed Jason would hide it from her and she would just go on with her little (sparkly pink bubble) life. ‘You just don’t know’.

Well she knew now, and she would not be like her father and ignore it. She was resolved to try and make things right at school even if it brought on Jason’s ire. The idea of him picking on Dustin or Mike Wheeler or any of them made her chest feel tight. 

Beep beep beep. 

Chrissy managed to get maybe two hours of sleep when the alarm on Steve’s watch went off and she groaned at the sudden rude awakening. She pushed her face deeper into the pillow, away from the sunshine beaming in through a blind. She tried to ignore that the pillow smelled like the eucalyptus shampoo Eddie used. There was also the unmistakable smell of cigarettes and weed but instead of being turned off she found it unexpectedly comforting. 

She felt Steve roll over and then there was a delicate pause. 

“Uh…Hi… Chrissy?”

“Hi Steve,” she mumbled. 

“Uh…there a reason you’re here and not Eddie? Not that I’m complaining, just a bit of a surprise first thing in the morning, is all.” 

Steve was peering over his pillow at her, bleary eyed and yawning. His hair was sticking up in all different directions and the sleepy hand he ran through it only made it worse. He still seemed half asleep. Chrissy might have giggled if she didn’t feel like total crap. 

“Couldn’t sleep so I took over the watch from Robin. Then Eddie came down and…well… he took over. Told me to come up here.” 

“Alright.”

“Steve?”

“Mhmm?”

“I heard the ticking noise again last night. Nothing floaty happened, but I thought you should know just in case. I think Nancy’s right. I think…I think it happens when I’m feeling really sad about something.”

“Damn.” She heard him swallow. “So I guess we’ve got to keep you and Max happy then. Happy thoughts an’ all. What got you so down?”

“I…I had a chat with Eddie and we kind of argued. We both said some really shitty things.” 

That was putting it mildly. 

She sighed and it seemed to reverberate down to her toes. She felt like the mattress might swallow her up whole. She eyed Eddie’s bag in the corner of the bedroom and the Hellfire Club T-shirt he so treasured screwed up beside it. His heavy belt was there too and the chains he clipped to the side of his jeans when he was trying to lean into the scary freaky look. 

“I think he hates me now.”

She wasn’t sure how to feel about someone hating her. It was a new. Everyone at school seemed to like her a lot and she never got into arguments or drama. Maybe some of the other cheerleaders were a bit put off when she beat them for the captain spot but they didn’t say anything mean. Her parents didn’t exactly treat her nice but that wasn’t out of hate. They said it was out of love. 

Steve’s voice noticeably softened. “Nah. He doesn’t hate you, Chrissy.  Far from it. The guy’s just…I don’t know…”

“Hanging on by a thread?”

“Exactly, yeah. He’s got a lot going on in that fucked up head of his…and he was a nutcase before all of this too, you know? We’re all trying our best but…it’s hard. He likes you though. Trust me.” 

Steve wouldn’t say that if he’d heard the way Eddie spoke to her last night…or this morning? Ugh. Or the way she spoke back to him. She tried not to linger on the awful expression on his face when she threw the words ‘hypocrite’ and ‘jealous’ at him like sharp darts. She’d meant every word - but she still felt bad. She wasn’t the kind of person to enjoy inflicting pain on others just because she was losing her mind, or punching down on someone who was already sinking. 

“We bought coffee, right?” Steve yawned again as he sat up and stretched, wisely changing the subject. “I can’t function without at least two cups in the morning. And Henderson has really been dialling up his attitude recently. The little shit.”

Chrissy sat up too and only then fully appreciated what an awkward situation they were both in. She’d deliberately not slipped under the sheets when she came to bed so they weren’t exactly side by side but it was still weird. She got out from under her borrowed blanket and wobbled to her feet. Christ, her head was reeling from the lack of sleep and food. And weed, probably, even though she barely had half. 

“I’m going to shower and I’ll make some. I think I spotted a coffee maker stashed in one of the cupboards.”

Steve hummed happily as Chrissy padded out the room barefoot. They had all agreed to keep the bedroom doors ajar last night so the person on guard duty could do their checks. Chrissy spotted a note tacked on their wood with what looked like gum. 

Gone to get milk - E.

The idea of Eddie coming up here while she was asleep and seeing her side by side with Steve made her feel odd, even if he’d been the one to suggest it. Another thought to push way down and ignore. 

She jumped in the shower before anyone else was up and washed and scrubbed her body thoroughly (who cared if her skin was pink and sore as a result?). She then scrubbed at her face and brushed her teeth. She applied her make up so well that you would never suspect she’d been awake all night crying over ticking and spiders and Eddie Munson telling her she was a sheep. She tossed her head side to side and smiled when the reflection met her approval. Once finished she towelled herself off and got dressed. 

She hadn’t been able to stuff much into her cheer bag but dug out an (admittedly wrinkled) flowery summer dress that would still look okay if she smoothed it down with her fingers. The thin straps showed off her slim shoulders but the skirts hid her knees. She decided to leave her hair down to dry as she hadn’t brought a hairdryer (though Steve probably had an emergency one stashed beside his hairspray). She very rarely wore her hair down because Jason said he preferred in a ponytail or in plaits. It felt different. New. She used her fingers to fluff out her bangs. 

Downstairs Dustin and Lucas were already awake and poking around the kitchen cupboards hopefully. Chrissy asked them to start up the coffee machine and found some breakfast stuff. By the time Robin and Steve came downstairs she was whisking pancake batter in one of Rick’s bowls. Robin said Max was still in the shower and Nancy was keeping an ear out. 

“You’re an angel, Chrissy,” Robin added gratefully, plonking herself down at the table. Her wet hair was still wrapped up in a towel. “Do we have syrup?”

“No way. Chocolate chips are the way to go,” Dustin corrected, still in his pyjamas. He reminded Chrissy of her little brother when he was still nice and occasionally an ally against their parents. 

Chrissy served up the pancakes as they debated the perfect pancake toppings. She never actually ate pancakes herself (far too many calories) but her grandma showed her how to do it when she was little and she could even do the perfect flip (naturally). While the others tucked into their food with thanks, she buttered some toast and nibbled it while leaning against the counter. 

She suddenly thought about those creepy lifeless women on the covers of Good Housekeeping. All made up with stiff fake smiles and with hair that looked totally pristine. She probably looked like one of them now. 

But no matter how pretty and composed she looked or how attentively she listened to Robin debate the virtues of pancakes versus crepes, Chrissy felt herself tense all over again when she heard the front door open. She turned at once to make herself a cup of coffee even though she hated it black. It would give her an excuse to do something with her hands besides wringing them together like a one dimensional damsel-in-distress character in their Dungeons and Dragons game (though Dustin, Lucas, and Eddie all seemed keen to them). 

“Daddy’s back safe and sound, kids, despite the looming threat of annihilation and bogus wizards that make even Saruman the White look like a pansy. Miss me?”

“You get milk?” Steve asked bluntly. 

“Yes dear. Got some more snacks too seeing as Lucas’ gone through like three bags of chips already.”

“Thanks man,” Lucas said, relieved. 

“I grabbed some gas too if you guys still want to hit up the War Zone?” Eddie added. “There’s plenty of room in the back of the van for guns, grenades, nunchucks…Could probably smuggle in some rocket launchers too.” 

“Flame throwers,” Nancy corrected him, walking into the kitchen. 

Chrissy didn’t need to look over her shoulder to know everyone was glancing at Nancy with a fair amount of respect (maybe a smidge of fear too). 

Hands wearing heavy silver rings placed shopping bags down onto the countertop beside her. A carton of milk appeared by the coffee pot but she ignored it stubbornly as she filled her mug to the brim. It took all her resolve not to shudder when the bitter liquid touched her tongue. Ew. 

“Can I grab a cup, ‘Rissy?” Nancy asked. 

‘Rissy? She liked that. “Sure, Nance.” 

Chrissy turned to see Nancy (followed by a clean and dressed Max) joining the others at the table. Eddie remained standing though as he slowly unpacked food into the cupboards.

Like her, he looked completely composed. He was wearing his usual ripped jeans but instead of a rock shirt he’d pulled on the black and red flannel that usually adorned his waist. Other than that though, the same Eddie; creepy rings that no store in Hawkins would surely sell, guitar pick around the neck, the now-familiar bat tattoo on his elbow (his sweet ol’ tatties, she remembered him saying). The only subtle tells that something may be amiss were the faint purple circles beneath his otherwise warm brown eyes and the fact he needed a shave (but saying that so did Steve). 

Eddie was putting away chips and soda and laughing at something Robin said. He even responded with a joke of his own in that flirty tone he seemed so comfortable using. Totally at ease. Totally in control. But it can’t be real, Chrissy thought, not after what he said this morning. He must be running on fumes. 

Which meant he had an excellent poker face. It almost rivalled her own. The others would observe them going out for milk, making breakfast, helping. Both of them seemingly fine. Christ, they could be her parents. 

Chrissy forced her shoulders to relax and flashed a blinding smile. When she spoke she made sure her voice was peppy and cheerful like she was getting ready for a cheer rally. Looking at her now you’d think she was running for the 1986 Miss America title and not miserable and sad and so fucking tired. Aren’t you proud of me, mom? 

“Want some pancakes too, Nance? Max?” she asked. “And you? How do you take your coffee, Munson?”

He almost - almost - cracked at that but caught himself just in time. She was nearly impressed.

“I can make it myself thanks,” he was all he said. 

–

They were indeed still going to the War Zone today. It was Nancy’s idea originally after spotting an advert in the paper but Eddie seemed to know about it too. It was about a two hour drive away and sounded like a Republican paradise. It would definitely have all the weapons and tools they needed until El and the others got there and they could regroup. Steve offered to drive but Eddie shut him down real quick. Only he drove his van, he explained. It wouldn’t run for anyone else. 

“Some of us should stay to guard this place,” Robin pointed out. “I don’t mind. I’m still sleepy from last night.”

Max and Lucas were quick to bow out too. Nancy was going to stay as well as she wanted to phone Jonathon again and check on his progress. Chrissy noticed her fingers twitching when she said this but didn’t make a deal of it. Nancy rarely spoke about Jonathon so maybe there was something not quite right there (though who was she to talk? Jason who?). She felt herself getting closer to Nancy every day but she still wasn’t sure they were in the boy-chat territory. Guns? End of the world? Sure. Heartbreak though? She felt herself growing closer to Robin too but there was something…different…about Robin she couldn’t quite place. It was like she belonged in a different era - one in the future maybe where they used flying cars and everyone was cool like her. She’d assumed at first she was Steve’s girlfriend but after only a millisecond it became abundantly clear they were just best of friends. 

Maybe one day after saving the world (they could do it) she and Nancy and Robin could crack out some wine coolers and discuss all the wonderful highs and tragic lows of being a teenage girl. Maybe even Max could join in. She’d like that a lot. 

So it was Eddie, Dustin, and Steve who got ready for the War Zone and then to everyone’s surprise Chrissy said she wanted to go too. She hurriedly retrieved her purse and opened it wide so they could see the large amount of cash wedged inside. 

“Woah!”

“Did you rob a bank?” Max said, eyeing her curiously, and Chrissy laughed.  

“It’s just my savings and what I could find in my dad’s office. Don’t worry, he’ll never notice it missing. He’s always leaving cash around the house. I brought some of my gold jewellery too in case we need to pawn it…though someone will have to help me. I’m not exactly sure how to pawn things,” she admitted. The words sounded unbelievably odd on her tongue. “I never wear any of it so I don’t mind. I only wear this one…” She gently flicked a nail against the ‘86’ at her neck. 

“We can’t accept your savings, Chrissy! You’ll need it for college, right?” Nancy pointed out. 

“Don’t worry, I have a separate college fund which is under lock and key. My dad won’t let me touch it until after I graduate. It’s his guarantee that…well, that I don’t drop out and do something to embarrass the family,” she said. “Please. I know you guys have all chipped in here and there and I wanna help too. Use this money to buy the…weapons…and food and things.”

“That’s really generous honestly but really we can manage if we stretch our money together. I think we’ll be okay if we’re careful.”

“But I don’t want you guys to be just okay. You’re so brave by doing all this - the least I can do is make sure money isn’t an issue, you know? This is something I can actually contribute to the group. Please just use it.”

She looked imploringly at Steve then. Steve came from a similar background to her own and must surely get it. Chrissy didn’t need this money and likely never would whereas she knew some of the others came from humble backgrounds and it just wasn’t fair. She found speaking about all of this uncomfortable - Jason and her other friends were just as privileged as her and her mom would rather die than discuss something as tacky as money - but Chrissy held fast because this gesture would alleviate some of the pressure from the others. It was her way of pulling her weight. 

“And…” she added brightly, smiling. “It would really annoy my mom if she ever knew and that thought makes me seriously happy. That’s got to be worth it, right?”

Steve laughed and she knew she’d won. “Alright, thanks Chriss. We’ll use the money today. Keep your jewellery though…we’ll only pawn that as a last resort, kay?”

Chrissy thought she saw a flash of relief cross both Steve and Nancy’s faces (they must have been worrying about this too) before they turned away and that made up for any embarrassment. 

Thankfully Dustin called shotgun in the van and the conversation shifted to a debate about what radio station to listen to. Chrissy collected her things - she borrowed a pair of Rick’s aviator sunglasses too as it was sunny (she hoped he wouldn’t mind) - and made to follow the others outside. 

But a touch to her elbow made her hesitate and Max was there looking awkward. “…I know we haven’t really spoken much before but I just wanted to say… that you do contribute to the group. Maybe you don’t feel that way, but it’s…nice…having you here.” Every nice word seemed to pain her but she held herself steady. She had a kind of intensity in her eyes which would surely make grown men tremble.  

She could be a governor or a DA, Chrissy thought, speechless. She finally choked out, “Thanks for saying that Max.”  

“Yeah whatever. Bring me back some peanut butter, ok? Smooth. I like that best on my pancakes.” 

Evidently dismissed, Chrissy jumped up onto the passenger seat beside Steve and Eddie started the engine. Eddie was the one to pick the music (“my van - my rules, Henderson”) and fiddled with the radio until some loud rock blasted out from the speakers. A few minutes later they were driving along the lake towards town. 

End of passion play, crumbling away

I'm your source of self-destruction

Veins that pump with fear, sucking darkest clear

Leading on your death's construction

Chrissy folded down the skirt of her summer dress so it lay neat against her thigh and settled back on the leather seat, doing her very best not to look ahead at the driver. She tried to ignore Dustin babbling about making  improvised weapons, or Steve complaining about the volume, or the thought of a certain pair of eyes watching her in the mirror. Instead she slipped on the too-big sunglasses, pulled out a shitty Capitalist magazine from her bag, and unfurled it resolutely. She would read it word to word like it was a textbook for class. No matter what anyone else thought. 

“Woah, what happened to your hand?” Dustin was saying. That did draw her attention. 

“Girls dig bruised knuckles, man, what can I say? They love that dangerous vigilante look. I caught it in the van door earlier, Henderson, I’m alright. It’s no biggie.” 

Did she imagine it or did Steve glance her way? She looked back at her magazine pointedly. 

Taste me, you will see

More is all you need

Dedicated to

How I'm killing you

“This music is killing me,” Steve grumbled. 

“It’s not so bad.” It wasn’t Chrissy’s style of music either but she liked the lyrics. “I think the band’s called metal something.” 

“Metallica,” Eddie corrected without looking round. 

She thought about the other time she’d taken a ride in Eddie’s van before her vision of Vecna. She’d met him in the car park after the championship game (ears still ringing from the cheers) so he could drive her back to his trailer for something stronger. He’d surprised her by holding the passenger door open like a gentleman from those old black and white movies. He’d even offered to let her pick the music though now it was his van, his rules. She’d been too nervous to suggest anything though. She remembered that whole journey being very very aware of just how bare her legs looked in her short cheerleading skirt. 

It was getting hot so she tried unrolling the window but the handle seemed to be busted. Eddie must have noticed because his window was suddenly down and a burst of cool air snaked around her shoulders and made her sigh. 

The War Zone was exactly as Nancy and Eddie described. Everything was made from lumber and it smelled strongly of polish and pine and oil. Testosterone in a bottle. There were rows and rows of clothing displays - hunting jackets, cargo pants, heavy work boots - as well as all the hunting and fishing equipment you could ever need. Behind the (again wooden) counters the guns and knives were locked away side by side in glass cabinets, and she thought they looked intimidating and scary. 

They let Steve take the lead inside. He seemed in his element and casually reeled off all the things they would need. He asked her and Dustin to go pick out some of the heavy duty coats and boots so Chrissy found herself ambling down the aisles with a heavily laden basket. She picked out a few things she thought might be helpful. She almost kissed Dustin on the cheek when he spotted a padded jacket he thought she might like (“There’s no pink, but it’s got little dots like your dress?”). It was so unbelievably cute that she thanked him and put it straight into the basket. They actually started having some fun picking bits out together (Dustin was going full Rambo with his own choices) - and inevitably their laughter started to draw stares. 

Not at Dustin though. At her. 

There were a few men openly staring at her now and she tried to ignore it like she always did when she drew unwanted attention. “Thank the heavens for that summer dress,” a man nearby drawled. He looked about the same age as her father. Maybe even older. “What’s a sweet girl like you doing here?”

She could hear Robin’s voice in her mind saying ‘buying a deadly weapon, dipshit, what’s it look like?’

Chrissy remained silent though. She knew that if she responded it would encourage them. It was a lesson that had been drummed into her ever since middle school. Don’t respond. Don’t be a tease. Don’t lead them on. Another voice behind her piped up. “Want a date, honey? Ditch the kid and come back to my van, eh? We can have ourselves a little party.” 

Dustin looked angry but was clearly out of his element and unsure how to best handle this sort of thing. “Let’s go back to Steve and Eddie, Chrissy. We’ve got enough stuff,” he said instead. His trust in the older guys seemed unshakeable. 

“Sure thing, Dustin. Everything’s cool, okay? Just ignore them.” 

They walked back over to the counter and waited. Steve was signing some paperwork and had four guns lined up on the counter in front of them. Chrissy stood as close to Steve’s side as she could and hoped that maybe those men would assume he was her boyfriend and leave her alone. They certainly looked like they could be a couple with their preppy clothes and looks. 

She saw Dustin whispering something into Eddie’s ear just as someone said loudly, “Want to come hold my gun, babe? I’ll let you polish it. Might even go off.” His friends seemed to think this was real funny because they began cracking up. 

Steve and Eddie heard that. She felt herself blush. “Sorry about this. Don’t worry, they’ll wind down in a little bit. Let’s just finish up and go…” 

“You can polish both our guns at the same time!”

“Shit,” Steve muttered. He was flushed too and she felt awful. “Sorry, Chriss. Just paying now. Won’t be long…Hey, can we speed this up please?”

She pressed closer to his side. Chrissy had this trick during times like this where she would try and physically make herself very small as a way of trying to hide. Her shoulders were already turning inwards and she crossed her arms over her chest. She tried to focus on what Steve was saying to the cashier but it was drowned out by a roaring noise in her ears. She wished Dustin would stop whispering to Eddie. She wished they would stop looking at her. 

But then someone brushed up close against her back. She felt a lingering hand on her hip. Her ass. She couldn’t stop herself from squeezing her eyes shut and grimacing. 

Here would be the part where someone should step in or where Chrissy finally told this jerk to get the fuck away from her (maybe even a tall body shielding her with his own, a gentle hand guiding her away) but this was 80’s Indiana and that shit didn’t happen just yet. The ideas of what to do when your customer or friend was being fucking manhandled in public just weren’t invented yet - and she could see her friends were pissed off but they hung back because they didn’t have the fucking right to get involved, you know? They weren’t her boyfriends or father or brother, they weren’t her. If she asked them to punch this guy's lights out they would in a heartbeat (and Eddie and Steve looked like they were gunning for it) but she didn’t. Chrissy just clenched her jaw and took it. 

They paid and left, and as soon as she slid onto the backseat she pushed on Rick’s sunglasses and stared out the window. She could feel the guys glancing at her (worried, angry, guilty) but they were following her lead and giving her some space. They made it a few miles before Steve reached out and turned the heavy rock music back on. 

“Did that asshole hurt you, Chrissy?” Dustin said at last and because it was Dustin she answered honestly. 

“No. He just touched my leg and my…” She shuddered at the memory and seemed to shrink even further back into the seat. “I’m sorry you had to see it. I swear I didn’t say a word to any of them or smile or even look at them. I didn’t…”

“You don’t have to be sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong.” 

She could have told him about the lecture she got at church when one of the pastors touched her leg because she wore a dress that was one inch too short, but Dustin didn’t need to know about any of that crap. He was just a kid. “I should have just stayed in the car,” she sighed. 

“It’s just not…fair. You can’t just not exist, you know? I don’t know…it’s messed up.”

“Yeah, it is.”

He paused for such a long time that Chrissy thought he was done, but then he turned around properly and peered through the seats at her. “Chrissy? I’m sorry I didn’t…you know, defend you when that first creep said something. I didn’t know what to do and kind of freaked. Next time I’ll be better, though, I promise. I’ll look after you.” 

So this time Chrissy did lean forwards and press a kiss to his cheek. Dustin turned an alarming shade of red but he smiled. “You were perfect, Dustin. I promise. Never change, little guy, okay?”

She felt tears spring to her eyes so once again turned her head to the window. 

She didn’t notice Eddie pat Dustin on the shoulder. Or Steve messing up his hair. 

**

When they got back to Rick’s it was way past lunchtime but Nancy had left them some cheese sandwiches in the fridge. Chrissy took hers outside to eat in the back garden, along with a book she borrowed from Dustin. “Keep the door open though, yeah?” Steve had called. She promised she would. 

She dragged one of the wooden chairs from the circle towards the dock in what she considered was a perfect spot by the lake edge. Here she would be able to enjoy the last of the day’s sunshine and hear the gentle flow of the river in peace. She’d even borrowed one of Rick’s floppy fishing hats so the sun wouldn’t burn her nose again (poor Rick - she might as well try on his boots next). She’d thought about sitting in this spot last night - this morning - when she was out here sharing that joint with Eddie and thought it would be such a sweet place to relax and unwind. It was so quiet here. 

It was quiet back in the house too. Nancy and Robin were spending the afternoon researching the Creel family in the library archives and had taken Steve’s car. The others seemed happy enough to admire their new cache of weapons and gear and Steve was trying to get the TV to work so he could watch a sports game. 

There wasn’t much for Chrissy to do this afternoon except to stay quiet and not draw any more trouble. 

She could still feel those prickling eyes on her face and body and hear those vile comments at the War Zone. The laughter. They’d found it funny to make her uncomfortable and humiliate her. Like it was a game. And why hadn’t she spoken up? Why not answer like Robin or Max or Nancy might have? No, she’d just tried to ignore it and wait it out like a storm. Hadn’t she already made the decision not to end up like her parents? To challenge Jason? To stand up, to say something, to shout and make some fucking noise. She was off to a crap start. 

Christ, she was so weak. She couldn’t even go to a store with her friends without stirring up some kind of mess. She thought about Dustin’s helplessness when it first started to happen and Steve’s sympathetic (pitying, her dad’s voice corrected) smiles in the car after. She’d upset Eddie again. She should have just stayed in the damn car. 

She couldn’t focus on the book in her hands or even the sunshine. Everything suddenly felt so cold and dark. She hurled her sandwich into the lake. 

She made a noise that sounded like a whimper. Fuck fuck fuck. 

And just as she fell to her lowest - it happened. 

It started with a dark shape emerging beneath the surface of the lake. It was big - maybe the same size as a person - and way too big to be an eel or a fish. Maybe it was a body? Chrissy was suddenly standing and she peered over the edge and saw it was starting to move towards her. She stepped back (not noticing that the chair was no longer behind her). She began rubbing her eyes. She’d heard about people cracking up from stress and exhaustion. Maybe it was finally her time?

But then the ticking started and it filled her belly with an icy cold horror. Tick. Tick. Tick. 

She suddenly knew that whatever that thing in the water was, it was not something good and it was going to hurt her. She did not want that thing to come any closer! 

But it did. The top of its head broke the surface and she saw grey slimy flesh…

“No…” she moaned. “You’re not real. This isn’t real.”

Like a nightmare, Vecna’s face emerged inch by inch as he drew closer. His black lifeless eyes were staring at her and when she flinched back, he smiled. His teeth (black and sharp like fangs) twisted into a terrifying grin. “Chrissy…” he seemed to sing her name like it was a verse or a melody. “It’s time Chrissy.”

Chrissy shook her head as she took another step away from the water’s edge. She turned to run back to the house (to her friends and safety) but it was no longer daytime. Dark smoke caged her senses and the grass beneath her bare feet turned now to ash and soot. The smoke flooded her nose and mouth and she gagged on it. The sickening taste of death clawed at her throat making her eyes water. 

“You’ve been so clever trying to run away from me, Chrissy, but you knew I’d come back to claim you. You always knew, didn’t you? In the back of your mind. You knew that we needed each other. Poor Chrissy. You’re so tired, aren’t you? So exhausted. Let me help you…”

She couldn’t see the house or the dock or anything. Everything was so dark. 

“You don’t want to help me,” she cried. “You want to murder me.”

“No. I want to help you become something bigger than yourself. Something incredible and exciting. Chrissy…come to me. You’re so good at doing exactly what you’re told. Come to me now.”

He was rising out of the water and then - as sudden as a blink - he was standing before her, tall and threatening. She stumbled back against something hard and knew she could not run away. She felt her legs buckle beneath her and she fell to her knees. 

She was crying. She was terrified. “I don’t want to die. Please. I don’t want to die.” 

“Can you really call your miserable little existence living?” he asked cruelly. He bowed and curled one of his long fingers beneath her chin and forced her to look up at him. “You who are utterly without love. Not even for yourself. It is kinder to put you out of this misery, Chrissy. Believe me, you know that there’s nothing in this world for you. It won’t make the slightest bit of difference if you are alive or dead.”

His words seemed to pierce her heart like ice. Was he right? 

“You have a weapon - a gun - hidden upstairs. You’ve kept it so secret and safe but why do you have it, really? You and I both know why. You know that there will come a day when you finally snap and you want it all to end..”

“Oh god…” 

She couldn’t look away from his piercing eyes. He was cradling her face now and scratched his claws down her cheeks, tearing at her flesh. She felt no pain though. She was completely in his thrall. 

“Come with me….” 

“I…” 

Chrissy!

Someone was screaming her name, but no that was impossible. It was just her and Vecna and Vecna was going to murder her. 

But then there was music. Such loud ringing music that it seemed to shake the foundations of the world around her and flood it with a bright gold light. Its sparks gathered by the red vines twisted around her limbs (when had that happened) and seemed to rip them away. 

We are young

Heartache to heartache

We stand

No promises, no demands

Love is a battlefield

She remembered the first time she heard this song. One of her friends played it during cheer drills and they laughed themselves silly dancing along to it. She’d bought a tape herself and listened to it secretly at home using her headphones. 

We are strong

No one can tell us we're wrong

Searching our hearts for so long

And then she saw a swirling white light just behind Vecna. At the edge of the lake. Just like when Eddie saved her last time. 

Chrissy! That was Eddie’s voice calling her name. That sounded better than any cheering crowd, any morning birdsong, any fucking power ballad. 

She knew what she needed to do if she wanted to fight this but she didn’t know if she had the strength. Then she thought about Max telling her she belonged in the group. She thought about Nancy who was brilliant and badass and kept guns under her bed, and Lucas who was an athlete but also a total nerd. She thought about Steve who was a fucking hero and Robin who might be a timetraveller and who she wanted drink wine coolers with. She thought about Dustin who promised he’d fight for her even when he was scared. She thought about Eddie and the way he made her laugh in the woods and how he was hanging on by a fucking thread now because of Vecna. She owed it to Eddie to fight this. 

Vecna suddenly became those rednecks back at the War Zone with their creepy entitled eyes. He became her mom. Her dad. He became Jason and the way he and the team bullied the freshmen kids. He was a fucking asshole. 

She got to her feet with a whimper. 

Both of us knowing

Love is a battlefield

Chrissy! 

“LEAVE ME ALONE!”

She screamed and kicked Vecna right in the chest. All those years of cheerleading drills had made the muscles in her legs strong and the strength of that kick was just enough to surprise Vecna and give her a split second advantage. She ran towards the white light.

She jumped. 

–

And then she was underwater. She was being pulled down to the bottom of the lake and her lungs were empty and she was screaming but she had no voice. 

She couldn’t believe that this might be the end after all. Not when she’d jumped into that bright white light wanting to live and come home. 

But then hands were grasping hold of her and pulling her away from the darkness and up towards the surface. More hands dragged her out of the water and she sank, shivering and cold, onto the grass of the riverbank. She felt warm lips against her mouth and then she was choking and then she tasted gloriously sweet air. She gulped it down greedily and let it fill her lungs. The world seemed to clear and settle around her. 

It took a moment for her senses to catch up but when they finally did she could feel everything. She could hear someone crying and people shouting in hurried frantic voices. She could feel the way her lungs ached as her chest rose and fell. She could smell the coppery tang of blood. 

Her dress was clinging to her body like a second skin and she felt so achingly cold but she was alive. That was all that mattered. 

She opened her eyes and Eddie’s face was all she saw. He was kneeling in front of her, his hands still gripping her wrists, and he had tears running down his cheeks. He was soaking wet too. Chrissy raised a thumb and wiped at his cheek gently. 

“Are you here, Chrissy?” he was asking over and over. “Are you back with me?” 

“I’m here. Eddie, I’m here.”

He crushed her to his chest and she let him. Burying her face into the crook of his neck, she let her own tears come and she wept and wept. She let out every single tear and drop of fear into Eddie’s strong shoulder. His arms were tight around her back but she wanted the weight. It made her feel held. 

She might have cried for hours (it wouldn’t have mattered).

“Eddie? I need to look at her cheeks, man.”

Her cheek? She felt Eddie release her slowly and then Steve (also wet and shivering) was there inspecting her face. He was trying hard to keep calm so he could focus on whatever it was he was doing, but when she caught his eye he broke into a proud grin. “Hi Chrissy. Welcome back to Earth.”

“I can smell blood. Is it mine?” It was easier to breathe now. The smoke and ash and water were no longer in her lungs and throat. 

“You were floating in the air above the water,” it was Max speaking now. Chrissy’s gaze came to rest over Eddie’s shoulder and she saw Max and Lucas watching her closely. Max’s face was as white as a ghost. Dustin was kneeling at their side beaming though. All of these wonderful human beings who she had heard in her vision. Who brought her back. “And then your cheeks just slashed open. Like you were scratched either side by invisible claws. Was it Vecna?” 

“Yeah. I think so. I remember…he came out of the lake,” she murmured. She glanced back at the lake now and saw that it was still and calm. It looked beautiful again. “I knew I was having a vision but couldn’t stop it.”

Steve cleaned her up while she told them everything that happened. 

“...Then I heard my name…and I heard music…my favourite song. It made a bright light appear. As soon as I saw that I knew it was my way home.”

“It was Eddie’s idea!” Dustin said proudly. “He saw you from the window and grabbed Max’s walkman. He managed to cram the headphones over your ears just before you started floating up…but I guess it’s in the lake now though.”

“I’m just glad I had Pat Bentar on there,” Max mumbled.

Chrissy didn’t want to think about ‘what if’s’ right now. Instead she looked back at Eddie. His hands were still holding her waist. “How did you know that was my favourite? You’ve never asked.”

“Didn’t need to. You humm it sometimes.”

Chrissy smiled. She began to cry. 

She let Steve finish cleaning her wounds while Lucas grabbed them all warm blankets. Steve told her she had two large jagged scratches on either side of her face, running from the tips of her lips all the way to her eyes. “They aren’t deep enough to need stitches but I’ll get you something for the pain. I don’t think they’ll scar…” 

Chrissy found she didn’t care. She might’ve once. She was just thankful Vecna missed her eyes. 

“I can't believe you kicked Vecna,” Dustin was saying. “That’s so fucking cool.”

“Very metal,” Eddie agreed quietly. 

Eddie was still watching her closely. It was like he didn’t quite believe it was over and she wouldn’t start floating away again. She watched as two faint red patches started forming on his cheeks. It was like he was just now realising how close they were. 

“I need to sit down. Can I…?”

Steve immediately suggested she go upstairs to lay down on the bed but instead she asked them to help her back into the wooden chair she’d positioned so carefully before her vision. She wanted to stay outside and sit in the last remnants of the day’s sunshine. The sun would be starting to set soon and she wanted most of all in the world to sit out here on Rick’s dock and watch it. Like he did. She didn’t want to give Vecna the satisfaction of sending her to bed and having her miss out on something she damn wanted. “Can I have some alone time?” she asked. “I just want to…sit here.”

“I don’t think you should be left alone…” Max started but Eddie spoke up. 

“I’ll stay,” he said quietly. 

The others went back inside (though Steve brought her out the much-appreciated pain medication). Her hands were trembling too badly to take it alone so he helped her. She thanked him gratefully. 

“You’re one of the team now,” he said. “We look after our own. Eddie, bring her in if she starts turning blue, okay? Doc’s orders.” 

Chrissy sighed and she lay back in the chair. Her mind was swimming with Vecna and his soft velvety voice. He’d said he wanted her purposefully because she needed him to end her long drawn-out suffering. The most tragic and clever thing, she realised, was that his words had been sprinkled with seeds of truth. She was everything he’d said. He’d looked into her heart and only held up the cracked mirror. 

Chrissy was sad. She’d been sad for a long time. But did she really not want to be here anymore? Chrissy looked out towards the lake. The blue sky was gradually fading into pink. 

“Eddie?” she said softly. 

“I’m here.”

“Will you sit with me?”

She heard the sound of scraping wood as Eddie pulled over one of the chairs next to hers on the dock. He even readjusted the blanket around her shoulders before sitting down even though she was capable of doing it alone. It was just her face (and heart) that ached. 

They stared at one another, sizing each other up almost. She noticed for the first time that his eyes weren’t entirely brown. They had little flecks of gold in them too. She’d never thought of Eddie as pretty before but she did now. 

“So you jumped in the lake for me?”

“Didn’t even hesitate,” Eddie chuckled. “You can thank Steve for the lip service though. He just loves to be the hero and save the girl.” 

Chrissy was so tired but she didn’t dare close her eyes in case she fell asleep. She was happy sitting here on the dock with Eddie. She lifted her feet and curled them up beneath the blanket. 

“I thought I was a goner. Again. I almost gave up,” she said. “I know that’s such a pathetic thing to admit but when Vecna told me about wanting to put me out of my misery, a tiny part of me wanted to believe him. He knew about me being unhappy and sad all the time. Knew that I was shutting down inside, you know? He told me it wouldn’t make any difference to the world if I was alive or dead and I let myself believe him. Does that make me stupid?”

She saw Eddie swallow. “Look, I’m not gunna’ sit here and pretend to know what your life is like because I was dead wrong before. I know now it’s been… tough… and that asshole Vecna used that to try and manipulate you. But, Chrissy, it didn’t work. You chose to come back and you kicked him like some cheerleader warrior. It probably won’t mean much, but I’m fucking proud of you, kid.” 

Chrissy smiled despite herself. “As I live and breathe, scary Eddie Munson acknowledging cheerleaders might not just be some dumb stereotype. You’ve dropped Cunningham too. It sounds nice.”

“No turning back now. It felt like such a trip when you called me Munson during breakfast. Even if I totally deserved it.”

“You didn’t.” 

“No, I did. I was a complete asshole. Chrissy, look, I know you’ve been through a lot today and the kindest thing would be to leave you alone, but can you stay awake just a little longer to hear my shitty apology? After that I’ll give you some space or carry you up to bed or…whatever you want.”

“You don’t need to -”

“I do. Please. I need to apologise for everything. For the way I’ve been avoiding you and for every fucking crappy thing I said to you this morning. I would take it all back in a heartbeat because every word was total bullshit, Chrissy. I didn’t mean any of it. I was so angry and scared and worried and pathetic… and you were right when you called me out on it because I was taking it out on you.”

“But why me? Because I ran away?”

“No, Chrissy, please listen…” He moved his chair so close that his leg brushed against her knee. “It wasn’t anything you did or didn’t do, okay? You’ve been so fucking spectacular. The way you’ve been caring for everyone and helping out. It’s just…in my fucked up brain…every time I look at you I think of that Fred kid - but I see you like that and it just breaks me. Every time you flinch at the name Vecna or touch your jaw I die a little bit inside. I feel so guilty and scared that it could have so easily have been you. I still can’t believe tonight…seeing you floating like that above the water and seeing the blood when that fucker cut into your face…God, if Max hadn't had that stupid song on her walkman... Chrissy, I can’t deal with the thought of…you dying.”

Eddie had closed his eyes but when Chrissy lightly touched the back of his hand they flew open. 

“Eddie, I’m right here. I’m alright. Look at my neck. My wrists. My jaw. I’m not broken. Look at my eyes. I’m here.” 

She shrugged down her warm blanket and held out her arms, bared her neck, lifted her chin. She let him trace his fingers along her skin, reassuring himself that yes she was smooth. She was whole. His eyes searched her greedily. She might have found the idea of letting Eddie Munson do this to her odd once but now it only made her feel safe. 

Then his eyes came to rest on her face, on the deep scratches. “Steve’s done a good job and I don’t think they’ll leave any punk scars. We’ll have to think of an excuse for your folks though…and Jason. If I’d only put that music on sooner…”

“The important thing is you did. It was quick thinking.”

She let him trace his fingers over her face too. She could see it helped clear away some of the tightness on his face. 

“When I looked out the window and saw you go still…I’ve never felt so fucking scared, Chriss. And the last time in my trailer? I was so freaked out I nearly ran out of there myself. I thought I was used to horror and gore and monsters, but that was all pretend before. I don’t know jack shit about any of this or how I can help, and maybe I’m a coward but I think that just added to whatever sizable chip I’ve got growing on my shoulder right now. When I saw you again at the Wheeler’s you thanked me, Chrissy, and kept looking at me like I was some hero like Steve and I knew I wasn’t. You’re still looking at me like it even now…it’s like, what the fuck can I do?”

“But Eddie, don’t you remember that Twain quote in English class? About courage being resistance to fear? We had a test about him.” 

“You know I’m failing English, Chrissy.”

“Well that’s what he said. The fact is you’ve saved me three times now. Twice from Vecna and once from drowning, and you’ve been scared the whole time. I think that’s pretty courageous,” she added with a small smile. “So I do get to call you a hero. That’s my prerogative as the  crappy damsel.” 

Eddie’s lips twitched into a smile and it looked like he was blushing. 

“Well maybe I’m okay when Vecna comes calling… but I was too much of a coward to face you though. To give you what you wanted. What you needed…”

“What do you mean?” 

They were both still soaking wet although the blankets and sun were doing their damn best to dry them off. But when Eddie reached out and took her hand she felt like it was a summer day in July. He gave her fingers a gentle squeeze. 

“By my count, we’ve shared two fucking terrifying moments together but instead of…I don’t know, bonding over it? Helping each other out?...I’ve been pushing you away like an asshole. I don’t know a damn about psychology or trauma or whatever…but what I do know is talking to you about it now feels really good. Like some of my damage has mended and I can breathe a little easier. That’s got to be a good thing, right?” he said. “So let me finally step up and be here for you. I want to. I want to hear everything that’s going on with you. No frills. No bullshit... Lay it on me, Chrissy. Please.” 

Chrissy met his eyes and saw such honest sincerity and warmth there she thought she might start crying again. He was putting down his shield and offering her his friendship and she wanted to take it so badly. 

This wasn’t an olive branch or a sledgehammer - this was a flamethrower - and they would burn the metaphoric wall down to the ground. Together. 

So Chrissy told him everything. She told him about her life before her visions - about cheerleading and her shitty parents and her miserable anxieties about food. She told him about Jason and how she was pretty sure she was going to break up with him because she hated bullies and didn’t want babies and a house and to be ignored for the rest of her life. She even told him about the incident at church and how it made her hate her body but at the same time she wanted to buy fucking silk pajamas too because she knew they would feel nice. She told him about college and how she wanted to take a year off and see some of the world. She was sure she’d love California and Rome and maybe even England so she could visit some real life castles. 

She told him about her first vision and why she’d come to him for drugs and about how crap she still felt about running away from him. She told him about this vision. About how Vecna made her feel so worthless and weak. She told him about the gun she had upstairs (this was the only time he interrupted her to say gently they would get it later and store it with the other weapons so it was safe). She told him about how much she liked her new friends and how thinking about them helped her find the strength to get away from Vecna. 

Eddie listened to it all and seemed to be drinking it in. With every word she felt a coil inside her begin to unwind a little. It was just like he said before about feeling mended. Like he was switching her up. 

“...And I thought about you,” Chrissy admitted at long last. “How I owed it to you to come back and be here for you. I didn’t want to leave you alone again.”

Eddie had tears in his eyes and so did she. 

“You weren’t totally wrong about me this morning. I have been ignoring some of the crap that goes on at school,” she admitted. He looked like he wanted to interrupt but she kept going. “I didn’t know how rough things were for you guys, but that’s no excuse now. I promise I’ll help from now on. No one should be treated that way.”

“Chrissy Cunningham, defender of the downtrodden misfits and freaks. Atta’ girl,” Eddie smiled. “But you don’t deserve to be treated that way either, you know? Not to be a dick again, I swear, but you kind of let people walk over you sometimes and you seriously don’t deserve it. You’re so cool and smart and really talented. You…you’re the real deal. You should own it.”

“…I’ll try.”

Loving oneselves was not easy and Chrissy had spent years putting herself down, but she knew Eddie was right and she should exercise more self-love like Ms Kelley said. She should try, at least. Baby steps. 

Behind them the sun was setting behind the trees and the sky was a colour palette of pink, yellow, and orange hues. She lay back against her chair and she let her eyes flutter close for just a minute. She could almost purr she felt so content right now. 

“The next day at the hour of sunset Aragorn walked alone in the woods, and his heart was high within him; and he sang, for he was full of hope and the world was fair…”

“Is that from…?” Chrissy clumsily scooped up Dustin’s book from where she must have dropped it before her vision. On seeing the cover, Eddie grinned and she found herself grinning back just as wide, though she didn’t know why they were both so happy. Eddie took it from her gently, seeing that she was at risk of dropping it again in her tiredness. 

“Same author but different book. If you like The Hobbit you can borrow my copy of Rings after. I promise you’ll love it. That’s a Munson guarantee.” 

“I’d really like that, Eddie.”

“And I’ll try and read Little Women…are they actually tiny women or…?”

Chrissy found herself giggling softly. “Maybe we can talk about them together? Start our own private ‘End of the World’ book club. I’d like to hear more about D&D too and what it all means. Maybe even watch a game sometime…if that’s okay?”

“It’s a deal.”

Chrissy found her eyes once again closing and she yawned. She thought she could sleep for a thousand years. She snuggled down further into her blanket. 

“Sleep Chrissy. We’ll be here when you wake up.”

She liked the sound of that. Her friends. Nancy and Robin would be home soon too. 

“Eddie?” she mumbled sleepily. 

“Mm?”

“So you really don’t hate me?”

“No way. Not possible.” 

“Can we…can we be friends? I’d really like to be your friend.”

There was a little pause and she just about heard him clear his throat. 

“Best of friends, Chriss. Best buddies.”

And her heart sang. 

---------------

A/N:

Annnnnnd we're done folks. Chrissy and Eddie can now look to the future and kick some Vecna butt as team mates (the best team mates). A few notes:

- Firstly, thank you so much for reading this crazy mess. I promise to go back at some point and edit and cut that word count down - but I'm already up to my eyeballs with others ideas for the two (maybe taking place in the same series as this one?) - I wanted to leave it as them friends but it's pretty clear they are going to be something more, you know? Plenty of hints scattered in that Eddie is crazy about Chrissy and she's starting to notice him too. - Eddie IS crazy about Chrissy throughout this fic though he might not feel like he can show it (she has Jason remember and as far as Eddie knows they're a couple couple until she admits it at the end). He's not treading on any toes. - Lyrics are from 'Master of Puppets' and 'Love Is a Battlefield'. I saw an interview where Chrissy's actor mentions this would be the song to pull Chrissy out. - Yeah the men at the War Zone suck balls, but it's something we read about every day right? I'd like to say things are better but fuck that. Make noise, people. I actually wrote Eddie stepping in and guiding her out initially (with Chrissy under his arm naturally) but it just didn't feel right. You can bet that both he and Steve wanted to kick ass though and Eddie was gritting his fucking teeth. - I love Dustin and Chrissy moments. I also love Steve and Chrissy moments. - Yeah sorry Steve gave her mouth to mouth because he actually knows what he's doing - being a lifeguard and all - but Eddie was first in the water. Steve helped pull her out. - The Rings quote Eddie says '...The next day at the hour of sunset Aragorn walked alone in the woods, and his heart was high within him; and he sang, for he was full of hope and the world was fair…” is about a sunset, yes, but also before Aragon meets the love of his fucking life and thinks he's stumbled into a dream. Nice work, Eddie, lay those seeds.

Love to you all - Hellcheer forever.

#chrissy x eddie #hellcheer #eddie munson #edssy #eddie x chrissy #eddissy #hellcheer fanfic #hellcheer headcanons #chrissy cunningham x eddie munson #chrissy cunningham #chrissy deserved better #ymaohoh #chrissy and eddie #fuck you vecna

[spandexbutterfly4lyfe]

hey, i'm sorry, this is a pretty deep question, so please don't feel pressured to answer if you're not comfortable.

i'm a disabled teen with really bad internalized ableism and depression because i'll likely never be able to move out or get a job. i know everyone's experiences are different, but i just had to ask someone's experience: have you found it easier to accept your circumstances in adulthood? or is mourning what could have been just something disabled people learn to live alongside?

This might be hard to understand with the amount of life experience you have so far (because it truly just takes a lot of time and gradual growth of confidence etc to develop it, and that’s normal) but the answer is actually both! Like im not gonna bullshit you just for the sake of encouragement, you’re going to be aware of the way you don’t fit in with the supposed standard human experience for a long time, maybe forever. But you’re also gonna find that there are plenty of ways to exist outside of that “normal” experience that are perfectly fine and capable of happiness.

What tv and movies depict as “normal” life almost never actually exists. If you measure yourself by that, you’ll be miserable forever. And that’s something you see more as you grow into adulthood, which is why it gets easier to accept. The truth is, most people are miserable stacked up to what we’re told is normal. I’m not saying everyone suffers as much as the more intensely disabled do, but you NEED to know that even people who seem to have it all together usually experience: 1) seeming to others like they have it all but feeling like there’s something missing because this can’t possibly be it 2) having gaps in their mental growth and maturity because maintaining an image of a normal life has left them refusing to acknowledge anything wrong that needs therapy etc to fix 3) severe social pressure to have this perfect normal life that results in a subconscious obsession with staying fitting in, blinding the person to escaping the social cult of “good, normal people act like x and care about y and put down z”.

Like, once you realize how fucking freeing it is to not fit into this idea of normal life, you’ll realize you’re capable of so much better than that. You’ll gradually internalize that earning a normal income isn’t that great and that most people are entirely miserable doing it, and that it doesn’t define your worth. And, I am so serious, you do not have a simply nonexistent chance of moving out and having a life. The key here is to find other disabled people!! There are tons of us who’ve managed to move out in unconventional circumstances, either with the help of each other or the help of accommodations. Or both! You can join support groups on Facebook, for an excellent starter. And there are actually some decent ways to still earn money depending on your specific situation.

I went through this exact issue myself for so many years, but it turns out convincing myself I was capable of nothing, no life at all, just because I was disabled and mentally ill did myself an enormous disservice. Just because my version of a happy life didn’t look like theirs didn’t mean it couldn’t be real.

The daunting thing here is that, yeah, this is gonna take work. And since it’s work different from the life expected of you, it’s not laid out for you to follow easily (i.e. college -> job -> marriage -> house -> kids) so you’ll have to figure out the path yourself. But you have years and years to find your path, you don’t have to predetermine it all at once in order to have begun!

All in all, it’s perfectly normal and healthy to have a grieving period for the life you thought you’d have. But accepting that that life won’t exist is actually so helpful because then you can stop hating yourself for not being able to make it happen. It’s not your fault, that part’s not in your control and you should cut yourself some slack for that. But while grieving, the most important thing you can do is decide to try. To take care of yourself even when it feels pointless, because I absolutely promise it’s not. To learn how to cope with it, to put in the work, to ask for help but know your worth so that if someone won’t help you, you don’t feel like that’s your fault!! You deserve a good life too and there WILL be people who care to help make that happen. Don’t let a few ableists destroy your self worth.

Decide to care about yourself and care for yourself and, although tiring at times, the rest will fall into place. Practice makes the trying easier over time, until one day you realize you’re even more adjusted and taking care of yourself better than people who’ve been told they have nothing wrong with them. Pick up some hobbies while you’re young, sculpt and paint and find what scratches your brain for yourself first and foremost. And feel your happiness wherever it crops up, not just in what you think life should’ve been.

#long post #disability stuff #ok to rb

[fabien-euskadi]

I was tagged by the wonderful @reshiiii - thank you very much (and let me send you a huge hug from the westernmost part of Europe).

(Sorry for taking so long to reply, but the last weeks were a mix of somehow unexpected travels and some genuinely horrible events)

Were you named after anyone?

Most people don’t know it, and to be brutally honest, I would have been better off without having known it as well. But the truth is that I was named after a historical figure I happen to despise. That’s why you have to be extremely careful when you name a child.

I should feel upset with my parents about it, but, unfortunately, one of them is very ill and the other one is no longer in this existential plane. Being so, does it really matter now?

No, it doesn’t.

So, you can call me Miguel. That’s perfectly fine. Everything else is rubbish.

When was the last time you cried?

Depression has vanished that information from my memory. No, I am not neither lying, nor joking.  It is as if I have dived into a state of emotional numbness that turned pain into my default setting, so I don’t need to cry anymore, for this is my “normal” state. I tried to fight depression, and, for some time, I managed to defeat it… but the monster came back far stronger than ever (albeit in a more undestated and efficient way).

Even so, I fear I shall have several reasons to spill tears in the near future. There is a good chance that my next weeks and months become some of the worst in my entire life. No, I am not exaggerating.

Do you have kids?

Some subjects ought to remain one hundred per cent private. And this shan’t be the last question that will get a very evasive answer.

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Let’s face it: irony is far classier than sarcasm. And I am not ironic now. Or sarcastic. Irony is simply more elegant – and, somehow, tasteful.

What's the first thing you notice about people?

Everyone wants to impress - stop lying, I know you desperately want to. And I like to be impressed. I like to find small details or noticeable characteristics that tear someone apart from the normality. So, the first thing I notice is if that person has something remarkable, out of the ordinary – basically, something that tells me that person is actually living, and not just existing.

Sadly, most people like to besmear themselves in normality, vulgarity, mediocrity. Most people are impressively unimpressive. How dare (many of) you to be so smug and boring at the same time?

Yet, some manage to impress me. At first glance, they look remarkable. But those are precisely the ones who, later, will disappoint me bitterly. Some shall do it deliberately, some will do it unintentionally, but the fate seems inevitable: the masks will fall off.

You are mere puppets in the hands of your own egos. Yet (and amazingly), I still dare to have a glimpse of faith in Humanity. I know - I shouldn’t, I really should not retain any faith in humans. Yet, I do.

Maybe, there are still a few remarkable ones out there. Maybe, some of them have survived in this era of self-centred creatures thirsty for validation and food for their fragile egos.

What's your eye colour?

Brown, that incredibly average colour. I guess my eye colour does not reflect anything about myself, but, sadly, that’s what I got.

Any special talents?

When depression hits hard, the only talent I have is the ability to put all my talents and abilities in question.

When my mental health is going through a better phase, I may have some talent for writing (actually, for some time, I even paid my bills with it, and, to be honest, I am pretty sure I can do it again). And, perhaps, my photos are not half bad. And, sometimes, I can even cook quite well, albeit I only do it for friends and relatives. And some people even said that I may have some talent for drawing, although I still have my reservations regarding it.

But that’s when I am feeling better. When I am feeling worse (and I have been feeling terrible lately), all I can do is to be devastatingly harsh with myself.

Scary movies or happy endings?

A deep end can be either scary or happy - or none. But what it matters the most is the depth.

Where were you born?

According to some sources (including some official ones), my arrival in this world took place in a private hospital of a capital city. However, all I know is second-hand since I don't remember a single thing about my birth.

Therefore, if I cannot remember anything about that event, the city where it took place is completely devoid of meaning. Officially, governments try to link our birthplace to our identity, but that is but a fallacy.

All that matters is that I was born. Everything else is pointless.

What are your hobbies?

Sadly, adverse circumstances dictate that I can no longer have hobbies... bar one. Sometimes, I drive to some interesting place and take photos like there is no tomorrow. And that's it.

Clearly, these circumstances don't seem to like me.

Have any pets?

Currently, I am left with just one dog (Duke) and two black cats (Lenina and Jiji - they are not related).

What sports do you play/have you played?

As a child, I had tennis lessons for two years, and, later, I also tried bodyboard and surf.  But I was never really into competitive sports, to be honest. And my lonely world soul doesn’t cope well with team spirit that most sports require.

How tall are you?

One metre. Oh, you wanted to know the centimetres as well, right?

Favourite subject at school?

When people mention favourite subjects, usually, they mean "favourite subjects in High School". Then, the answer would be History and Philosophy - I am not going to choose between them, so I choose both.

However, if you ask me which has been, so far, my favourite subject/class/seminar in my PhD, my answer has to be none - basically, because I didn't enjoy any of them. Actually, the Thesis Seminar leaves me quite uncomfortable, to be honest.

Dream job?

A blo… ok, I am going to reply this one seriously.

If it is an actual job – in the sense of a professional activity -, then, it can never be a dream. By definition, job is a synonym for “nightmare”, not dream. You have a job because society demands you to, not because you really wanted to wake up at 7am to do things that you will be paid for. You have a job because you have bills to pay.

Sometimes, you can have a lucrative hobby. And you can pretend it is a job. But no. You paying your bills doing something you like. But that’s not a job.

Now, I shall tag you, @heavenseraph

[ash-and-books]

Rating: 5/5

Book Blurb: Boy meets boy. Boys become friends. Boys fall in love. The bestselling LGBTQ+ graphic novel about life, love, and everything that happens in between: this is the fourth volume of HEARTSTOPPER, for fans of The Art of Being Normal, Holly Bourne and Love, Simon. Charlie didn't think Nick could ever like him back, but now they're officially boyfriends. Charlie's beginning to feel ready to say those three little words: I love you. Nick's been feeling the same, but he's got a lot on his mind - not least coming out to his dad, and the fact that Charlie might have an eating disorder. As summer turns to autumn and a new school year begins, Charlie and Nick are about to learn a lot about what love means. Heartstopper is about love, friendship, loyalty and mental illness. It encompasses all the small stories of Nick and Charlie's lives that together make up something larger, which speaks to all of us. This is the fourth volume of Heartstopper, which has now been optioned for television by See-Saw Films.

Review:

Charlie and Nick are back again and this time will be tackling much bigger and more difficult steps in their relationship. After the Paris trip Nick now knows about Charlie’s eating disorder and Charlie is dealing with his anxiety of finally telling Nick he is in love with him. This volume focuses on the difficulty and struggles of having a love one with a mental disability and getting them the help they need. It’s not pretty, it’s not easy, but it is so beautifully depicted and heartwarming. I truly loved this progress in the story and the way the author handles serious issues. It was heartwarming to read and I found myself even crying at moments in the story. Please pick up this amazing series by this author! Charlie and Nick are both very sweet and caring people, their friends are wonderful support systems for them. The message of this volume was that you do need more than just one person to help you, you need other people: family, friends. and just other people to also support you and help you.

#book review #bookish #heartstopper #graphic novel #lgbtq reads #lgbtq books

[kindan-no-kanojo]

🍍 🍎 🍐

𝐅𝐑𝐔𝐈𝐓𝐘 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐎𝐍 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐌𝐏𝐓𝐒   ♡  

🍍  :    how comfortable is my muse in their body?  how do they feel about their height,  weight,  strength,  and body type?  how important is being attractive to them?  

🍍 Scarlett is very comfortable with her body as of today, she makes sure to keep it that way; if there's something she doesn't feel good about, she tries to fix it until she does.

🍍 For example: Her height is rather average but she's still pretty small next to many people, so she wears heels often. 🍍 When it comes to her weight or body shape, despite not gaining weight so easily as an undead creature, she may adjust her corset when she wears it if she wants a smaller waist. 🍍 Her hair is already eye-catching enough, so she doesn't do much to it. 🍍 Lastly, she wears some soft make up daily, and usually tries to redirect the attention to her eyes or lips when a formal occasion is taking place.

🍍 Scarlett's got a liking for one appearance or hers the most: the feminine, lady-like human, as opposed to the weak yet bloodthirsty Ghoul. Naturally, she wears the version of herself she likes more. 🍍 She needs to feel confident with the way she presents herself, in order to carry her usual attitude like she does. 🍍 She cares little whether others consider her pretty or not, but appreciates it when they do regardless.

🍎  :    how stable is my muse’s mental health?  have they been diagnosed with any mental illnesses and  /  or conditions?  do they have any undiagnosed mental illnesses and  /  or conditions?  do they or should they attend therapy?  

🍎 Ghoul's insanity aside, Scarlett's mental health is somewhat stable in normal situations, especially in her human form. 🍎 Her mood can change very quickly, though. She's prone to get angry and aggressive in a matter of seconds when something doesn't sit right with her.

🍎 When she's triggered by some of her physical traumas (like her hands) she completely disconnects. Having her hands suddenly held or grabbed in a strong way triggers a strong PTSD that freezes her in place; with chances of escalating. 🍎 However, once she's released, she snaps back into her normal self in a very short time.

🍎 Naturally, she's not properly diagnosed with any condition; she wouldn't seek mental help and, if anything, I'm no psychologist to do that, nor I had it in mind for her as a foundation. 🍎Based on what I do know and what I've read about, given her experiences, she seems to have developed a Paranoid Personality, that makes her distrustful of everyone and makes her hard to open up and not react in a destructive way when something looks slightly suspicious. 🍎She also has some severe anger issues, that can be attached to the aforementioned condition. 🍎I'd argue she has some BPD traits on top of all.

🍎 Of course she needs therapy. All the therapy. But, will she speak up even if you drag her there? Probably not.

🍐  :    how intelligent is my muse overall?  are they smarter than the average person,  or less than?  are they primarily self-taught,  or did they acquire most of their knowledge in school?  are they more street smart or book smart?  

🍐 This is quite debatable; I'd say she is averagely smart, but she tends to be confidently incorrect about some of her knowledge. 🍐 If she strongly believes in something, there is little room for another argument unless they have solid proof. She can be pretty open-minded, but it takes a lot to convince her about some mistaken fact she's been believing in for quite some time.

🍐 She's definitely more street smart than book smart, but that still doesn't prevent her from getting into trouble. 🍐 She's had attended tuitions in her human life until she got out of the orphanage; and lived a couple years on her own after that.

🍐 After being turned into a Ghoul and serving a Vampire, she's had to learn other things, mostly regarding manners and proper etiquette, along with formal speech, which she completely drops nowadays. 🍐 Needless to say, she considers school useless; which is why she doesn't attend most of her classes. She does the bare minimum to not lose her spot in the music room, and possibly meeting some other people that she'd like to see around.

#📭Asklett #Scarlett Wakahisa #Diabolik Lovers OC #idk how to feel about the fact that i dont realize how far her craziness goes until i write about it (? #like in a serious way. fr take her to therapy asap #🍓Fruity #dj-diabolik-fan #👁‍🗨. About

[coccyodynia]

things:

things are relatively normal with justin again and we’re going to a show on the 1st of march (big excited) and 2 other shows after that, but we’re also considering adding the bilmuri show to the list

im back on a schedule of seeing my therapist regularly so that’s good

work is awful sometimes but such is life

ive lost almost 35lbs in the last 2-3 months which i feel is concerning and i want to see a doctor about it but everyone around me is just like “oh that’s great!” “good for you!” like i’m not even trying to lose weight and its just dropping off something feels wrong here

been dealing a lot with cPTSD stuff and trying to be more aware of how it’s effecting me so i can work on it now that i’m back in therapy

it feels really big and bad sometimes

as i sit here typing and thinking about what’s going on in my life, i’m having this really wild feeling - like. 6 or 7 months ago i was in this exact spot, in my living room, same playlist playing. feeling probably the worst i have felt in the last 2 years or so, but i decided that talking to this new guy (justin) was too exciting and also very validating, so i hung on. i would do anything to be alive if i meant i could be alive with him.

i talked with nicole (my therapist) about this a bit today and how important he is to me. like extremely validating, very supportive, very understanding, now that i really understand it will never be romantic, i’m fine with how things are. idk i think a lot of my friends dont like him or dont understand, but to be fair none of them are severally mentally ill like justin and i are, so we understand each other’s weird shit. he knows i can get really insecure in my relationships, and i’m afraid of being alone. but i know he can get overwhelmed and just shut down for awhile. he’s both bipolar and autistic and sometimes just really needs to be alone, so i dont push it anymore.

my therapist and i talked about that too - how like, we met at a weird time in my life where i’m really working hard in my therapy and trying to improve my relationships and such, so he’s given me space to kind of figure out what’s appropriate and what’s not

anyway i really fucking value him in my life. he’s done more for me in the last few months than a lot of people in my life would ever try 

pretty sure without him i wouldn’t be here right now. i’m not kidding, the week we started talking i was 100% ready to kms, and instead he showed me there’s better things and people in the world than i realized

lmfao god that turned into a whole thing sorry y’all

#things #sorry in advance i #its just me talking about a boy #lol

[creepypasta-archive]

Underminding iNSaNiTY

by Anonymous

No tmuch to say about this story. But I like the imagery it creates. It's vivid in my head and it's also very greeen and dingy.

CW// death, blood, trauma, laceration, knifes, murder, poor representations of mental illness.

Click below to read the original unedited story

The young girl brightly smiled grabbing a hold of his hand. She pulled him along, forcing him to walk faster than his normal speed. Another boy followed after them, chasing them really. She giggled leading the two boys towards a large bush. She moved her black bangs behind her ears, away from her green eyes.

"Isn't it pretty, Jeffrey?" She asked turning towards the boy who was named 'Jeffrey'.

The boy nodded. The older boy walked to the girl he stare out at the trees, sighing softly.

"You wanted to show us trees, Harley?" The boy asked.

The girl, Harley shook her head. "No, Liu!" She pouted, "it wasn't this, there was something on the other side, something secret, but I'm afraid of going inside along, that's why I want to tell you guys the secret." she smiled brightly.

"Come on Jeff!" Harley yelled.

She grabbed Jeff's hand pulling him into the bush.

That was before, before she went insane. It was before she lost everything, her friends, the guy she always hung out with, her family, everyone, just because of a mistake, a large mistake she made. She admitted to him that they would meet again someday, reunited. But those were just children promises, something that would never happen. She was stilling living in the past, still trying to find that spark that ruined her life.

She pulled herself up from the ground, looking down the alley to the exit where lights shined. Cars speed by, quicker than anything Harley could imagine. She walked along the side of the street, pulling her large black, over-sized hood over her head. People eyeballed her as if she was poor, as if she was gambling for money or part of a gangster group. She wasn't neither, behind that hood was a girl with a past of killing, murderous killing.

She was looking for anyone to kill, it could be anyone. Yet she doesn't acknowledge her victim, she just marks down on her arm the number of kills she down. The thing she does acknowledge is the guy called "Go to Sleep", the one who's making more people die then her. Ruining her victims and records. She looked up towards the sky, raindrops starting to fall from the orange, red, blue sky, lights shining all around her. She rolled her green eyes looking forward.

She kept walking for minutes, it could have been twenty minutes but she stopped making a turn. She walked into an apartment building, a one that had only three floors, grubby white walls, and carpet flooring. She walked to the top floor, entering her apartment. She was able to fool everyone, making them believe that her parents burned her, then commit suicide during the process, she just then simply burned down the house. Many conclusions came around from different people, family, friends a lot of people. Some said that the "Go To Sleep" guy struck again, or that a accidental house fire happened and they just didn't make it out. But that wasn't it. She sliced both her parents heads off, then started laughing. It reminded her of Alice in Wonderland, her favorite kid movie. She always thought Alice had a little, dark secret, but Harley never knew that SHE had a little, dark secret.

She dropped onto her bed throwing off her hoodie, she tossed it across the room sighing softly as she stared up. She could hear knocks at the door, it silenced for a bit then more knocks came, then bangs, multiple bangs. Harley stood up walking into her kitchen, she grabbed her axe which was in the bottom door just in case of emergencies like this. It could be the police, or the drunk man from just down the hall.

She gripped onto the knob turning it slowly. She opened it coming face to face with a guy. White leathery skin, really, really pale skin, a wide cut in smile like the Jokers, and dark, black rings around eyes that appeared to have no eyelids. His hair looked oily as if it hasn't been washed for years, or months. She took a step back, her heart starting to pound.

"Hello Harley," she was welcomed with a wide, cracking smile which stares into her soul; if she had one. Multiple sickening laughs started to come from the 'freak', he walked towards her pulling out a knife from his jacket pocket.

She swung her axe, missing the killer's head. She gulped stumbling backwards as she tripped, hitting herself on the carpet floor. The killer was just steps away from her, at least three. She could count them in her head, three, two, one. She felt herself being pushed into the ground as a knife was stabbed into her stomach. She winced and screamed in pain trying to get loose.

She was going to die she knew it. But she didn't want to, she didn't want people to find out she wasn't dead, she didn't want anyone to know what happened, and she knew who this was. Jeff.

"Damn, Jeff," she hissed in pain.

The killer's eye's widen more bigger then they were, really in just surprise. The knife stopped moving from his hands and he lost control. Eventually she would die from blood-lost. Harley was going to be exposed to the truth, just from a mistake with opening the door.

"So much for promises," she gritted her teeth, trying to hold back the pain.

He pulled out the knife then placed it to her neck. They both knew what would have to happen, she would have to die, to die to live a new life, to die to become a new person. To restart her own life.

With that, he sliced her neck, blood spluttering from her. She was dead, her body went limp, her eyes losing it's colour. She was dead.

#creepypasta #jeff the killer #fanfiction #jtk #horror #story