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#looked through my liked posts and freaked me out
moviekidd826 · 1 day
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author's note: english is not my first language, so I'm really sorry. I was really worried to post this fanfic, so I hope there will be some people who will enjoy it. I usually go for darker stuff, so be warned.
tags and trigger warnings: secret relationship with f! reader, smut (+18), dom!Noah, unprotected and rough sex, fingering and oral f! receiving, Noah praise?, fluff (Noah just being silly one because he is in love), angst, annoying side character?, violence, blood, anxiety, death(?). [let me know if i need to add any]
word count: +5k
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None here knows that he was looking at you.  You, the girl in the lounge on the second floor, pressing plastic card with VIP written on it into your hand, just moving your body a little, like smooth breeze made you do it. With few friends who doesn't know it either. None knows it. Noah's scream filled small venue. They wanted something intimate, just few hundred people. Your smile was so wide, Noah was enjoying this concert and you were able to tell it from his body language. Sweat was dripping from his forehead and those dark brown eyes went up, searching upper floor. He was looking for you, just a little glimpse but you knew it was for you. You were his girlfriend and none here knew that. Just you and him.
Few months back you bumped into Noah while waiting in cue for the concert, of course all girls around started to freak out but even then his eyes were only glued to you. No words were said then. It was just imagination, that's what you thought, but Noah's eyes managed to find you  during the concert too. It's not really happening,  mind didn't let you believe it. While he was ruling whole crowd, seemed that people around disappeared and whole experience was hypnotizing. When show ended, he jumped off the stage. Just thanking everyone who came, some high fives, some handshakes, just smiles. He reached to take your hand through people , nice gesture, you thought then. But you felt it in your arms, tiny paper he gave through few seconds of touch . Can't be a setlist, too small. Just numbers. His number. You looked around, hoped that none saw that. Your eyes caught him leaving and that half smile hit right to the gut. No way it was real. Same sentence was spinning in your head. No way.
Of course after the show you decided to take longer trip home. Rolling digits on your palm. Unfolded, folded back to little tube. Okey, you had to check. You just wrote one word with question mark (Noah?). He didn't respond for few hours. Managed to go home and even remove all the makeup. It was like 3Am when your phone buzzed. (This was very dumb, I never do that). Eyes got wider from those few words . Just small white screen made the dark room light up. ( Probably you would leak my phone number or something, but), other message just appeared right after first one. You started to write back, that you wouldn't do it, but he was faster (I might sound so cheesy right now, but you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen). Heart stopped. "- No, that..." You whispered to yourself, like someone would actually be able to hear you.  He made you blush even though he was not in the room with you. Speechless, just wanted to pinch yourself at this point. You saw "writing" bubble go up and disappear, there he goes again and vanished again. You had to write something back. ( It's not cheesy, Noah. I'm flattered), you wrote back and  hit your forehead with palm of your hand. Felt stupid writing it, wanted to say to him much more, but also, how not to sound like a crazy fan? (If we passed that, I would like to invite you to tomorrow's show and maybe you would have time to hangout after that?). You sat on your bed reading that message again. You were suppose to go to your friends party tomorrow but how could you pass this? And that important decision made the rest just history. Everything after that was just unstoppable rollercoaster.
You have waited for an hour, maybe more. Back pressed against the wall. Noah texted  that he will be out in few minutes. You checked everything around, valley was empty. Decided to keep it a secret , none should know. Of course, you thought that he already told Nicholas for sure, but he insisted that none knows, after that he always smirked, he definitely told him. Cold hands wrapped around your waist, you jumped out of surprise, but his arms were already around you , "- Damn, Noah, don't do that.." You wanted to tell it louder but it came out as a whisper. Noah just shrugged. His finger running up under your hoodie, pressing palms on your lower back, like his finger tips could draw a map on your skin, like he needed directions, little streets which would lead up or down.  He tried to lean in, but you placed hands on his chest, trying to push him away, "Someone can see us", Your eyes were glued to busy street , looking through his shoulders. "Everyone left already, don't worry about it," his voice was so smooth, he could tell you anything and you would believe him but now you had to be careful. "Noah, come on," You tried to push him but he was much stronger, two steps closer and his whole body was pressed against you.
He was trying to catch your gaze, while smiling. Those hair got longer and now eyes were hiding behind them. His lips were able to catch yours. Warm, wet and hungry. Cold palms was absorbing your body heat. You gave in. Arms got around his neck and muscles relaxed. His tongue slipped into your mouth. Can't never get bored of that. Hands were running on your skin. Hot breath filled your lungs every time he leaned back a little, just to keep few centimeters(inches) from your lips. His breath got a bit faster and you could feel pressure getting stronger. "- We should go.. " You said under breath. Noah clicked his tongue and he took a step back. "You're right," Noah smiled, though you could see that he wanted more. Noah put on his black face mask and hoodie's  hood on, covering his messy hair. For now you can breath when his body is no longer making you melt. Now his palms were warm and both of your fingers crossed with each others. Holding his hand became so natural.
You also wore mask, usually Noah wore his band merch but around you, something that wouldn't catch anyone's eyes, like right now, just plain black hoodie and black jeans. None looked back while you walked the hall together. Hotel room just for you two. He opened the door and let you in first. "Today's show was great" You said smiling when you walked into the room and turned around, placing your mask on the coffee table. Noah was standing with his back pressed at the door, already took his face cover off. You know that he didn't hear what you said, something else was already in his mind. "I want you" He said deeply, like the sensation were burning whole time you were walking back.
You opened your mouth to say something but he was faster with his actions, like always. Just few steps and he was standing right in front of you. You  lifted your chin up to look at him. His fingers softly touched your cheek, slowly going down. Fingers tips on your neck skin made your body shiver. "I-" you eyes closed just to say that you want him too "No, don't speak, " His voice brushed your face like warm summer wind. Both his hands griped the end of your hoodie and lifted it. Your hair got all electrified from the material brushing against them. You smiled and Noah caressed them back to the spot, right after that placing his hands on your checks and jawline. Lips pressed against yours. Even though now you were standing with bra, you didn't feel exposed, you never felt that way with him. His tongue slippery and all the movements making you want more and he knows, he always does. He leaned back quickly and you wanted to unbutton his jeans, but he stopped you, "No, take your skirt off first," He said out of breath looking down on you. Your lipstick were smeared off and you saw dark red shade on Noah's lips.
You quickly took zipper in your grip, "-Slowly," Noah said while breathing out the air which was trapped inside his lungs. You looked up to him and your black long nails slowly unzipped the skirt, it dropped on the ground. Just a fabric. Like dark puddle beneath both of you.  Fishnet stockings seemingly fit with black underwear. Noah was looking at you like he never saw you like that before, though it would happen almost every day and that made you smile proudly. Though that it would change in time but it didn't. You walked few steps back not looking and sat on the bed. Dropping your shoes right near his feet. Looking at him through eyelashes. He took his hoodie off, leaving himself with black tank top. With two fingers he unbuttoned his jeans but didn't took them off. His eyes got darker, seemed that you could have heard his breathing from afar.
Just few steps closer and your finger caught his necklace, so you pulled him into a kiss. One of his palm rested on mattress near your thighs, while other hand got tangled in your hair. His teeth caught your lower lip for a second and released it right after. Your hand lost his silver chain and you laid your back on the bed, spreading tights from each other. Biting your own lip a bit. Noah tilted his head to the side. He took his shirt off, revealing all those tattoos you never get sick off. Your nails ran through his  arm , which was still pressed near your thigh. But then he stepped back, so he could take off his jeans. You wanted to do the same with your stockings, 'No," He stopped your just with his words. You left your hands on your stomach. Now he was only with underwear and you could see the change. He pressed his body weight on you. Arm firmly gripped your legs, pressing them closer to his side, it was a sign for you, so you wrapped both of them around Noah's waist.  He kissed your skin between the breasts and aggressively pulled bra strap off, right after that he pull all of it off down revealing your naked upper body.
His tongue found his way around your nipple, while his stomach was pressed against yours, you felt him getting harder  between your legs, twitch which was screaming he is already ready, just as you were. His lips sucked your breast,  griping other one between his fingers. Will definitely leave marks.  You let out little moan and he pressed his hand from your tight onto your mouth. You looked to him and he meet your eyes. That gaze. He was up to no good. Noah put his two finger in his mouth and right after that stuck them into your underwear, which was surprisingly still there. He found his way in fast. You felt tension from his action, his fingers open you up. Moving slowly inside you. You were already wet. Making you arch your back a little, to show him that you want him deeper. Actually him. He let go off your mouth, wanted to hear those short breaths. You moved your head to side, his tattooed hand made you look back, " Don't look away", he said while leaning back, fingers got out off you and that made you tremble.
His finger tips grabbed your fishnets and underwear together, pulled both of them off.  Throwed them somewhere behind his back. Your bra was still on you, though your breast was revealed and nipples were already showing him that you want it all. You lifted your head from mattress to see him bent, knees on the floor and head between your thighs. Lips gently pressing against that thin skin. Your toes already twisting. You brushed your fingers through his hair and right after he slipped his tongue inside you, making you grip them tighter.  "Noah.." Just his name with long pleasing muttering sound after that. You know that he likes when you say his name.  His tongue going between you. Licking you like there is no tomorrow left, like he was too thirsty and you were his glass of water. Slowly but surely. He pressed his head below your stomach just to say " You taste so good," he said muffled, he was still close to your pussy, you felt those words brush against all that wetness. You looked at him all the time, tension in the neck was no problem, you did as he wanted you - you were looking at him. Those dark eyes , drunk in passion.
You could've swear he ripped your bra off, unhappy look to him that he stopped twisting his tongue inside you. The last piece of clothing you had on yourself just went away. Your nails caught corner of his underwear, you just wanted to take them off at this point. And he let you. Both your hands took his black underwear off revealing his hard dick. You wanted him inside now, wanted to show him that, lifted your pelvis just a little from the bed, so he could see, feel it close to him. While one of the hands rubbed him just a little. Noah closed his eyes just for a second, opening mouth. Giving in to your hands, firm strokes was like intro, you knew he will come for the chorus.  Just like that, his body was on you. You didn't even see how he handled the underwear of his which was just a second ago still stuck on his legs, because now you felt just his skin on yours. Him between your legs.
You let out a moan when you felt him go into you. Slowly, making you feel the length penetrating you. You felt his eyes on you. He wanted to see every small change in your face. His lips on your neck, while he slowly pushed himself in. Your nails dug into his back and felt how Noah's breath left his lips on your neck. Marking his back. While other hand is pressed on his ass, to show him that you want him to do what he can do best. With him inside you , you felt full. Like there was no space for anything, just him. Pressing you into the bed, making you moan with every move he makes, feeling like your insides moves with him. One of his hand pulled your hair, it stings, but just for a moment, you can feel that it makes him even harder. Twitching. You feel burning sensation bellow your stomach, legs are shivering. You open your mouth for more air, when his fingers grips your hair tighter while  feeling him go in and out of you. The sound of flesh fills up the room. He grunts while your nails goes deeper into his back. That makes him change a bit.
He slips out and pushes you on the bed on your stomach, "Bent for me," he says running his hand on your back. You look at him through your shoulder. Tighter this way, feels different when he puts his dick inside from the back. You both let out a little gasp. His takes your hair into his grip, pulls towards himself, make you look up. Other hand on your torso, pumping inside your, making sure you don't slip away. "-Fuck.." he whimpers. You moan louder, his grip gets stronger on your skin and hair. You feel burning slap on your ass, it doesn't hurt, but it should. Not now, not now when all of your body trembling. Your chest moves with his motions "- Faste-" you say with uneven notes while he is hitting the wetness. He speeds up right before you finish the sentence. You grip pillow in front of you. He let go of your hair and now both arms on your waist. Both of your breath starting to sound the same. He pressing you so close. You want him to finish, you can feel electricity going from your toes to legs, signaling that you will not gonna handle it anymore. You trying to push your ass against him, making him change his rhythm to match yours,to match what you want too.
"-I'm gonna..", he said breathing through his nose right after, it tightens even more. His moans fills up space just like yours. Fingers going into your skin. "You feel so good," he said right after he throws back his head with open mouth and closed eyes. You didn't even needed to say, he knew, you almost let out a whimper when he thrusted roughly last seconds few seconds. Pressed his lips onto your back, leaving small kisses on the skin. Pulling himself out. Your body fell fully on the bed. Breath was uneven. You still felt weight he left. You looked around and he was already cleaning himself up, "Come on, let's wash up and I'll order some food" He said while smiling , his hair got sweaty around his face and you got up. Sweaty and numb. He hugged you like he was not fucking your brains out just a minute ago.
Room service. You were sitting in his "Pearl" T-shirt on the bed and he just took food with his underwear. They left the cart in right there on that gray carpet in front. He opened metal lid and there was just some burgers, "- Oh wow Mr. Sebastian, such a great choice," you said to him mockingly and his eyebrows tilted a bit , "Shut up," he said playfully and brought two plates onto bed, crossing his legs in front of you. "I just thought of," He looked at the sheets like there was an answer to his questions, " Thought of the first day when after the show we went to McDonalds?" you asked him gently and he nodded, sometimes he was so sentimental. At first it was hard to understand what he was thinking looking at you that day and one is just see him on stage or in interviews, other thing is to actually speak with him like a real person, like someone who is actually wants to know you. For a brief second you thought he will say it, he will confess what he is feeling but then his mouth was just full of food and some ketchup got in the corner of his mouth, " You got, " your finger went up in the air , pressing it to your own face to show him where he got it on his face but he just touched the opposite site, "Here?" said almost with muffled sound, you shook your head while smiling and just took a napkin to get that red spot of his face. Noah murmured something like thank you, but didn't want to speak with full mouth. Just you two and silence.
After late dinner, you washed your teeth , of course Noah made that impossibly hard. Sometimes he acted like a child, next moment his arm was around your neck during sex. And now, his hands were around your waist, pulling you close, the small spoon. In this huge bed with white sheets. His minty breath near your ear. Pitch dark. Could hear cars on highway somewhere far away. " - I was thinking..." he whispered in your ear and made you look through your shoulder, even though you couldn't see his face properly, just some silhouette. His dark eyes were sparkling in the dark. He cleared his throat. Now you switched fully to his side. "-What is it?" You asked impatiently, seems that he was hesitating. "Tomorrow is the last show and I thought, well.. We gonna have a month break from touring, " His fingers creased your hair strands which  kept falling onto your face, he was nervous, you can tell. "- Would you like to move in? I know it's fast..." He of course tried to coat it right after laying out the option, sadly you couldn't see his face fully. His palm rested on your cheek. "- I want this everyday and.." You felt his eyes on you, even though it was too dark to see. "I've already told Nicholas about you," Noah smiled for sure, you punched him in the chest, at least felt like it " I knew it" You said it playfully while his chuckle filled hotel room. "-No rush, think about it," His voice got serious right after. You nodded, oh, he can't see it " - I will," reassured him and pressed your lips gently onto his, before that placing your hand on his cheeks, just to make sure you aim right at the target.
Last show in the same city, first one was sold so fast. You wanted to support Noah and even when he didn't feel the best about upcoming concerts, but he always smiled after finding you in the crowd. Of course you left the show earlier. At the line to the toilet some girl bumped into you, "Excuse me? " you looked at her with  hands in front of you. No sorry? She just glimpsed at you for a second and walked away, "-Rude," You told yourself while rolling your eyes back. You wore oversized hoodie and some jeans. Different is that the jumper was not yours, but Noah's. He always insisted that his clothes looks better on you. People already left .Empty venue. Some plastic cups and other trash. You put on your jacket over the hoodie while leaving. It was getting colder. (See you soon). His message made you smile. You suppose to go to dinner tonight, get some drinks. Nonalcoholic of course, usually you drink some but wanted to support his choice cutting it out of the life. And you like it. Skin cleared. You got out the best features for each other.
Noah always asked what you would like to do, what games you liked to play together. When he had free time and you were also not working, then he wanted to introduce you to his world, as you did the same to him. Maybe you were his biggest fan but he was the same for you. Sending you small bouquet of flowers to work without any cards, co-workers just kept guessing. At this point you probably would be able to open a little garden with all the vases filled with colorful petals. Noah  always smiled and just shook his head when you kept telling him to stop sending them because you will not have any more space.
Of course you waited out the back, even managed to grab coffee before that, they take some time to leave and also for extra carefulness, you didn't wanted anyone to see you together. You looked to left and saw him leaving. His eyes were tired but with the biggest smile, because those brown circles caught you. Noah put his arms around you and pull you into the hug, pressing you into his trap. "- Missed you," His whispers into your hair, while his chin was pressed onto your forehead. " It's been just few hours , silly," you  playfully say while smiling but you feel the same. Sometimes it's hard to agree that without him the day is so slow. His hands loosen and he bent over to tie his shoe laces.
" I thought so," Third voice came out of nowhere. You faced to direction you heard it. The girl from the cue to the toilets. The rude one. "- Excuse me?" You asked, like it was the same from before but now just asking to be sure what she meant by that. Noah stood up. "- So you fucking her?" She asked with disgust on her face while both hands were in her jacket. Noah stepped in front of you, covering half of you from the girl, she was like fifteen steps in front. "- Do I know you?" Noah asked politely but his body language spoke louder. One hand lifted a bit from the side, like trying to keep you in the distance. "- I was writing you like for months,I'm Mindy"  She said angrily, like Noah should've remember her. Noah shook his head, "I'm sorry but I think we should go, " He managed to remain calm though your face showed to the girl that you don't like anything she was saying. "You love her?" Girl said almost crying. You felt that uneasy feeling, she is insane. " Noah, let's go," You touched his arm, wanted to pull him away from it, just vanish from this unsettling feeling. He looked at you and nodded, " Thanks for coming, but I have to go, I'm really sorry" He said without any emotion.
Going few steps back, reaching for your hand. Girls eyes went from your face to the gesture. " Bitch!" She screamed and just ran to you. Noah came in first. Grabbed girl by the shoulders and pushed her against the wall. You heard loud bump. She was moving, like trying to escape his grip. " Y/N, get security!" Noah screamed back to you, looked just for a second, like he wanted to be sure that you are safe, " You don't love me, " Girl was crying and looking at him , to you, back to him. " For fuck sake, stop with that," He said filled with anger, mostly because that was concerning you. He didn't care if someone knew at that point, he just wanted to protect you. Noah never lost his temper around you, but now seemed that he could.
You ran to the door and opened them, screaming into the corridor, " Security, help, please help!" You screamed , adrenaline pumping through veins. You looked back and you met Noah's eyes. They were wider. Open mouth like he was trying to gasp for air. He didn't held the crazy girl anymore, she was standing aside with a pocket knife. It was bloody. Noah's palm was pressing on his stomach. You loosen your grip from the door handle. Doors closed on their own. Usually it was a load creaking sound. You didn't hear anything anymore. Just your own blood rushing through ears. Legs got heavy. His tattooed fingers was painted with bright red color. Black shirt was getting darker but color was visible only on his fingers. Even with legs which felt like they weight a ton now, you managed to run to him. He dropped to his knees and so did you. Bent his back and the face now was pressed onto your shoulder. Girl dropped the cold weapon and started to run from the narrow street into busy one.
"-Everything is fine, Noah" Your fingers were trembling, one hand was placed on his stomach, where left hand of his was pressing the wound. Time was moving slow now. Felt his breaths on your skin, heavy and uneven. He was hurting. You heard security running, one was already on the phone. But surroundings was just background sound. You heard your own heart beat. Just his voice managed to get through it, "- I-i-" Noah's voice was almost silent. He was strugguling to speak, eyes in shock. Brown haired fell right into your arms. Palms automatically placed on his back. " It's fine, everything going to be okay" You said it, repeating  it like a mantra. You looked back at man who was with the phone, " Fucking help me," You cried out.  Guy was almost as pale as the snow. You felt warm tears roll from your face. Security got on his knees while the other one got back with med kit. Noah was laid on his back, his head on your thighs. His fingers were not pressing open wound anymore. Two guys was doing it for him. White bandage became rose red after few seconds. He looked at you. Now his chin up was a bit up, just to see you. Usually you were the one who needed to do that. Slowly blinking. Your blood rushing like river. Seemed like red noise. "-Shh, everything is okay" You said touching his cheeks. He was not speaking, you tried to calm him in advance.  Reassuring him, but you damn well know that you were barely containing yourself. " - I love you," he whispered and let out all his air out like it was stuck for ages. And then smiled but it was too hurtful, like he felt sharp pain right after.
That damn smile. You shook your head. Not because you didn't believed him. Not right now. Not because he was bleeding in your arms. "No, don't say that," You said angrily but trembling voice made it unclear, what  did you actually felt. You heard sirens in the distance and hoped that that was ambulance. He lifted his hand, just slightly brushing your  cheek, like he wanted to go higher, to fix your hair strands which were falling on your face again, but arm didn't reached it. Just left thin red line on skin while falling onto cold ground. This only happens in movies. It felt wrong. He blinked and closed his eyes, your hand instantly pressed his face, "No, Noah, open your eyes," You said it loudly, or it was just muted sounds around you that made it seem that way. Tears felt without your knowledge.
"It hurts," he whimpered. He managed to look strong for so long and now you saw pain in his face, his body, his words. Biting his lip to contain physical pain. It almost turned blue. You didn't see how many stab wounds there was, how serious it looked. He grabbed the hand which you placed on his face. Crushing pain, strong grip. All of his negative emotions put into that gesture. You saw blue and red blinking lights in the busy street. You eyes were sparkling from the lights. It was the best view you could've asked for now. Pressing of your fingers stopped. You looked down and those brown eyes were not looking at you anymore. Muffled. Medics were saying something to you, but you just stared like empty shell at closed Noah's eyes and big dark spot on his shirt while his unzipped hoodie was  like a cape around his torso. Security guy pulled you away. You didn't managed to blink, just staring into distance, while two people with bright color uniforms surrounded Noah like vultures. His bloody hand was moving a bit while they were pressing his chest. Tears dried up on your cheeks. Now you only felt his perfume on the hoodie he gave you. You griped it, hugging yourself. Security was trying to comfort you but you didn't hear him. Only red noise.
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mamisfavmosher · 9 hours
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Hi can you write poly judgement day x alt s/o where they got to a haunted house together and they have fun until she gets hit on by scare actors and they get possessive and she has to tell them she’s only there’s please and ps love your poly fics sm 💕
y'all this is so overdue, i'm so sorry
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four haunts // poly!judgment day x fem!alt!reader
warnings: language, kinda gory scene?, haunted house with scare actors
Also, JD McDonagh is not in this... NOT PROOFREAD
Readers POV
Not too long ago, Dominik had discovered some type of year long haunted house and wanted to go, so on our day off we decided to head over and see how it went. When we pulled up to the attraction, it wasn't too busy, maybe two or three other cars beside ours. We all piled out of Rhea's truck and began walking toward the entrance, excited to see if it would actually be scary or not. "This better be good, Dom," Rhea sighed out with a small chuckle, throwing her keys in her bag before hooking an arm around Dom's neck. "Since you made me drive 40 minutes to get here." "It's gonna be great, don't worry, Mami." Dom responded back before looking at the worn down attraction with apprehension. "...I think." I let out a laugh and started running toward the entrance of the house, excited to see what was inside. "C'mon, guys!" I called back to them before stepping into the house. "Babygirl, slow down!" I heard Damian yell out to me, but I was already inside the house, walking down a hallway.
I smiled as I felt my fear and adrenaline begin to pump through my veins. The house seemed to be pretty spooky so far with fake blood splattered on the walls, creaky floorboards, flickering lights, and gross odors wafting through the air. My four partners filed in through the door before catching up with me.
"Let's start with this room." Finn said before grabbing my hand and leading me into the first room on our left. It seemed to be decorated as some type of surgical room. As soon as we were all in the room, the door shut behind us. "Uh... what's going on?" I asked the rest of them quietly, waiting for some type of jump scare.
"No idea, but this place is wack-" Dom cut himself off by his own scream as someone in a creepy surgeon costume jumped out at him. The rest of us jumped a bit as well before cackling a bit at Dom's scream. "Nice one, Dom Dom." Damian chuckled out and ruffled Dom's hair a bit. All of a sudden, the creepy surgeon started coming towards me, reaching out a hand like he was going to touch me. I didn't freak out, though. It was one of the rules posted out front that the actors wouldn't touch you. Till he did. Then I started freaking out a bit.
"Hey, cut it out! I thought they weren't allowed to touch us!" I said with annoyance while slapping his hand off of me.
"Get the hell away from her!" Rhea moved to stand next to me, putting her arm out in front of me as a form of protection against the scare actor. He silently put his hands up in surrender before creeping back into the closet he popped out of. The door to the room opened back up and we quickly filed out to visit a different room. "If any of those creeps try something again, we're leaving." Rhea said in a strict tone, leaving no room for arguments.
The next room we entered was a dining room, a gross, rotting feast displayed on top of the table. Finn let out a quiet gagging noise before we proceeded further into the room.
"Take a seat!" Yelled out a scare actor who was dressed as a half-dead butler. We all hesitated for a moment before begrudgingly sitting down at the disgusting table. A crazed looking chef walked through the entrance to the room straight over to me. As soon as I looked up at him, I could tell it was the same scare actor that played the creepy surgeon. He beelined over to me and immediately put his hands on my chair to try and scoot me in further before he brought his hands up to rest on my shoulders.
"Man, you're not gonna keep doing this!" Damian said angrily as he stood up from the chair beside me. The scare actor quickly backed off a bit, but took a step closer to me and dropped a napkin in front of me before walking back out the door.
I cautiously picked up the napkin to inspect it, immediately spotting a phone number written on it in fake blood. I threw it off into the center of the table in disgust and Dom picked it up to look at it, Rhea and Finn peering over his shoulders.
"Oh hell no!" Rhea said in a furious tone, standing up from her chair and beginning to march out of the room.
"Rhea, wait!" I called out, running after her, but Damian pulled me back and ran after Rhea himself, no doubt having the same intentions as her.
Rhea and Damian stormed after the scare actor as he rushed down the hall. They both yelled a few threats out to him before Finn, Dom, and I caught up to them, pulling them back towards us.
"Let's get out of here before these two rip that dude to shreds." Finn said while grabbing both Rhea and Damian by their elbows and dragging them towards the front door. We quickly made it outside of the haunted house and we forced the two furious, raging members of the Judgment Day back into Rhea's truck.
"Guys, just calm down... it's fine. Really." I said in a soft voice in hopes of them calming down just a bit. They were fired up and angry.
"Baby, if you think for a second that we're not gonna put up a fight when some creep tries to give you his number, then I'm sorry, honey, but you're dead wrong." Damian muttered under breath, practically fuming in the passenger seat.
"I'm not saying I don't appreciate you defending me, but maybe you guys shouldn't go around threatening people's lives?" I questioned with a small smile, reaching my hands out to gently rest on their shoulders.
"Sweetheart, it's kinda our job. We gotta make sure you're safe and protected at all times." Rhea countered back with a smirk. I let out a sigh and playfully shook my head at their mutterings.
"Whatever. I love you guys. Thanks for keeping me safe and protected." I laughed a bit and relaxed into the back seats of the truck while Rhea drove us home, Dom and Finn on either side of me keeping a protective hand on me the whole way.
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ghost-bard · 3 days
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I've had this theory for a while now, and me n my friend (@nightshadetq ) have talked about it a bit as The Magnus Protocol continues, but I really don't think Alice's indifference to the paranormal/statements/cases ect ect is proof that she like. Has no idea what's going on, or will be in for a rude awakening.
[Note: this post is not free from spoilers up to episode 18]
I think she knows a decent amount of what's actually going on, and is trying to protect Sam (or her uninformed coworkers in general) from getting in too deep.
Other than Lena, who I assume has been the boss since Alice arrived, Alice has worked at the OIAR the longest, "nearly a decade" and has consistently told Sam not to look into anything, to not be curious, and to just do his job, and those moments are when she is the most serious, an odd departure from her typical attitude, very likely a coping or defense mechanism (or survival tactic) on her part.
We also have how she and Colin interact, and her conversation with Teddy in the most recent episode (18 as of writing). While yes, her and Colin's unlikely duo could be in part simply a fun dynamic, grumpy/sunshine, whatever, but we also don't really know what has happened within the last near decade of Alice working at the OIAR. The only person Colin likes is Alice, perhaps because she's the only one he trusts, or maybe they went through something together, that's mostly speculation on my part I'll admit.
What's more interesting is Alice and Teddy's conversation, the weight of Alice calling Teddy a liar, her saying to herself for Teddy to "watch himself" because she's worried. I would point out we have no idea how long Teddy worked at the OIAR, though in episode one there's a mention of "another four years" which implies he's worked there about that amount of time, and so Alice had still worked there the longest.
Honestly it would be weird if Alice hadn't seen weird shit pre-canon given how long she's been there, and that despite the jobs turnover rate hasn't quit despite everything, almost like she's obligated, to the job perhaps not, but maybe to the other people working, given we know that people can and have quit. Of course it could also just be the getting a new job is difficult and she has a younger brother to help out occasionally, but truthfully I find it a bit difficult to believe that being the only reason she wouldn't have quit by now.
Also interesting that the only thing Alice said in response to Gwen talking about Mr. Bonzo, where Sam laughs and thinks she's joking, is after she leaves saying "Curiosity will get you killed, best try and ignore it" wherein Alice clowning on Gwen is what I, at the least, would expect in response. Yes, she questions Gwen interacting with monsters, but she doesn't push her to talk about it, and in fact, gave her an out on what the Externals are.
Considering both Gwen and Sam didn't know about them until 1. Gwen asking Lena to let her "in" and getting work about/for the Externals, and 2. Sam just now being informed. Meanwhile Alice has a fake explanation on what they are, providing Sam with said explanation, therefore shielding him from the truth of the matter, and letting Gwen not have to talk about it, only for Gwen to then say what they actually are. So either Alice already knew what an External was, and lives by the "if you don't know about the real goings on nothing will happen to you" deal and tries to act the part herself, or someone who no longer works at the OIAR AND worked with Externals told her that that was what they were, which I'll admit is also a possibility.
There is also her seeing the drowning victim and her reaction to them. Her primary issue as I remember it was the dead body, given how she implies she hadn't seen a dead body since her parents passed. However, her having a negative reaction to a dead body doesn't mean she hasn't seen other freak shit. There is also the option that she lied about not having seen a dead body since her parents, and she (rightfully) still has an averse reaction to them, though I don't necessarily believe this myself, I am presenting it as an option.
Maybe I'm talking out my ass, but I really don't think Alice has completely avoided everything up until now, especially given how weirdly cagey she is about anyone (mainly Sam, but they have a history so maybe she feels responsible for him in some way) getting curious about what they do, or wanting to look into the cases they receive. If she didn't know anything at all, I don't know why she'd care about someone getting curious about their cases, or at least care as much as she seems to.
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santaclaushohoho1 · 3 months
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i wish sleeping still reset everything but it fucking doesnt and i just have to live with this feeling now
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becauseplot · 6 months
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Anyway for entirely justifiable reasons (<-is a glutton for angst) I need Chayanne and Tallulah to be present when the hummingbirds come around or a note about the 'wise old crow' appears in their house, causing qPhil to have one of his derealization/reality-questioning episodes. I need it. I need it to happen SO bad. Because they’ve seen Phil get roughed up in a fight, they’ve seen him angry, they’ve seen him wary and even nervous, but they have NEVER seen him doubt like that.
People have already made posts talking about how the cage-for-a-cage/child-of-the-sky stuff has been particularly rough on qPhil, who relies heavily on his constant vigilance, keen senses, and hyper-awareness of his surroundings for reassurance. He's the kind of guy who walks into a room and has already charted at minimum two escape routes by the time he takes a seat, you know? He sees and processes and stores information on everything, at all times, and he uses this to act in the best interest of his and his loved ones' collective survival.
His kids see this side of him too, most significantly in the ways that he looks after them: always keeping an eye on the back of the group, never far from Tallulah, and constantly analyzing Chayanne's fighting style to give helpful critique to optimize his attacks. Chayanne and Tallulah know that everything he's ever done was to protect them. Also, he's always there to offer them advice when they're feeling lost, and even if he doesn't have all the answers they need, he gives enough reassurances and promises to put their minds at ease. Phil is confident in what he knows. In their eyes, he is strong. He is a fortress, safe and impenetrable.
You could say that about a lot of children's perceptions of their parents/guardians/mentors. The older, guiding forces in our lives always seemed strong and infallible to us as kids. That's why it was always unnerving to see them get sick, or get stressed, or cry. Observing weakness in those people felt so, so wrong because we never considered the fact that they were capable of it; it was just impossible.
So, the situation: Phil is suffering in a way that makes him question the very same reality that he was a master of not too long ago. Whenever it happens, he goes quiet, looks around, mutters to himself, breathes shakily, fidgets. He is visibly unnerved and uncertain.
If Chayanne and Tallulah are there, they're gonna notice---they're perceptive, just like him. I'd imagine they'd try to ask him if he's okay, and he'd reassure them that he's fine, and maybe that's enough the first time. But, as more incidents arise, and as time goes on, they start to see more of this out-of-nowhere uneasiness, fear, from him, which is worrying, especially because he won't tell them why.
NOW. Phil has been upfront about a lot of things with Chayanne and Tallulah in the past. For example, during the height of the code attacks, Phil told them everything he ever learned about the codes, every single new development, to ensure that his kids were well informed and prepared. He was frank about the threat on their lives because to sugar-coat anything would be doing them a disservice. It was important they knew all of the cold, hard facts, even if it took away even more of their precious childhood innocence. He values their happiness, but safety comes first. It has always come first.
But this is different. It's not cold hard facts. Phil doesn't know what to believe anymore. When the hummingbirds come around and his reality comes into question, he doesn't know what is real, what he can trust, what is fact. His senses have been compromised. Hell, he's still trying to convince himself that he's not going crazy when all evidence seems to suggest that he's losing his goddamn mind. He doesn't know what to tell his kids, so he tells them nothing.
So now here stands Chayanne and Tallulah. There is something that is scaring their dad, and he won't tell them what is, so on top of the knowledge that their unwavering father is, in fact, capable of true, genuine fear, he's suddenly keeping things from them. Their dad is keeping things from them because he is scared. And I can't imagine a realization more terrifying than that.
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broke-on-books · 2 months
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😍😍😍
#accidentally slept through my only class today#which whoops sorry. (my 9am english)#which kind of killed step 1 of a plan of mine but thats okay#anyways THEN i had to go downtown to pick up this award bc i forgot to show up to the ceremony like a dumb dumb#but the building was like a 25 minute walk and it was COLD (punishment for my dumb dumbness tbh) but anyways i got there early so i walked#around the block and then went inside and picked up my medal#and i was already far downtown so then i popped my head in a couple of stores as i slowly walked back#got a few things from target. new hair clip nail polish m&ms pens and then a mango. very excited to eat that either later today or tomorrow#then i popped in the calligraphy store and then the comic shop and looked around. saw some white ribbon in the calligraphy store which ive#been looking for but didnt get it because it was a bit wide and kind of expensive and i want a lot for my project idea#(want to write out some of my favorite poems on them in sharpie and then use it to accessorize)#and then i went to the comic shop and peeked around. saw a nubia issue and a few gl 2021s in the discount bin but i didnt get them bc#they were all middle issues and i havent read those books yet although i do want to someday bc my guys were in them. one of the gl 21s even#had simon on the cover so i was very !!!!!!!! thats my guy!!!!!#didnt buy anything there but i did ask the guy to make sure to order a copy of the spirit world tpb so ill stop by to get that in a few wks#and then i went to the bookstore cafe and got a cold brew and did a but of English there. they have tables in the stacks its nice. the one i#grabbed was just surrounded by old paperbacks of sci fi and thrillers lol. didnt see anything id read but recognized a few author names like#card (no enders game though) and the pern lady (idk her name i havent read it). anyways did half a blog post thats technically late (ill#backdate though dw) and then packed up and i grabbed a gyro from the halal cart on that block which i just finished back at my dorm <3333#anyways good times. now im gonna try and spam some work and go to freaking trivia team for the first time in a month later. oops#blah#oh and i think the halal cart guy may have given me a free soda. unsure abt that though bc its possible it came with and i was just being#silly again. so anyways i had a ginger ale too
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poprockpanda · 2 years
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So it turns out that this will be my 1000th post. That’s huge. I can’t even picture 1000 things. I had to keep myself from reflexively reblogging a cat video so I could make this special. I hope this doesn’t come off as corny or cliche, but I would like to thank all the people that helped me get here.
@skullsnbruises
If I am being honest you all were the first people I could really talk to on here without my anxiety going through the fucking roof. Y’all are so amazing, kind, cool, and so many other things that words can’t describe. I am so happy and proud to call you all my mutual bestie beloveds.
@bigshot0
You are always there to laugh with or go off on crazy threads with, and I would like to say thank you for that. Praise The El Cheezit Mafia.
@baka-monarch
Oh, Roman. You were the one who introduced me to g/t, vore, and hell even the Dsmp. Your aus are so amazing and fantastic. And I don’t think you could tell, but the entire time we were talking about the Cuddle Cult au I was mentally screaming about how someone as cool as you was talking to a weird nerd like me.
@oh-i-need-a-name
God, I don’t even know what to say. You are such an inspiration to me. The GF au was probably the first piece of g/t writing I loved with my entire being that wasn’t Sander Sides. You showed me that maybe there were people that would want to read my dumb little stories. I am still so amazed that you followed me back. 
I love all of you so much. You all are such amazing and kind people. I am so grateful to be in such a fantastic community filled with all of you lovely and beautiful people.
Here’s to another 1000!
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cinnamon-phrog · 4 months
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How's your day going on tumblr
My day has only just started [EST timezone you see, I am so sorry if I'm incomprehensible] but it's going well, thank you!
I was a bit sad because I chose to give the benefit of the doubt to someone someone else was being mean to, but the person I gave the benefit too turned out to be exactly who I hoped they weren't.
That red x yellow shipper turned out to be a pr*shipper but just didn't say it, a friend of mine told me about their gross twitter acc, as well as the other shipper who sided with them. The only thing they're right about is yes it does indeed look like it's 2022 again :c
It makes me sad to see nothing but gatekeepers and pr*shippers in the dhmis tag so I'm just going to not bother looking anymore, you all had your chances.
It's very messy and has upset me for a bit, but I went offline to go to town and I felt much better!!
[I go off a lot more in the tags- like a LOT a lot. A sort-of vent/complaint but not an ooooooh look at me vent just a few things that've happened in the past that made me who I am now]
#i get worried that i complain too much so i try to bring the positive. because there IS always a positive#i bought a froggie eye mask for one. it matches my 5 quid frog snuggie <3#and i got a free blocklist yayyyyyyy happy days#it's sad that most people who i think might be like me and see the trio as ageless/adults and wholesomely ship them turn out to be prroshit#but i keep looking! i know two or three who have but got chased away by the gatekeepers who mistook them for proshits#i honestly don't blame them for being so mean now. anyone could be anything and it's hard to know if it's not directly stated#and i used to assume a lot. i still do but i want to use my assuming to assume good#and i think i only caught my assuming bug from others since i came into the dhmis fandom quite young [sadly]#god 2022 was bad. at least june-august felt like it's never end. gross people everywhere and i had to be an agony aunt to 20+ year olds-#when i was only 15. actually who fucking does that. i'd gone through the worst of the toxicity#forced to see yellow as a child or i was afraid i'd be excluded. treated weird when i admitted it. a good friend turned out to be a pr*.#i felt i HAD to get involved or i'd be told i wasn't doing enough. i was a child. a baybee. i just wanted silly puppets and to be funny#now i worry i'll be 'called out' for nothing and everyone is two faced#can't try to make dhmis mutuals without checking their blog and seeing how mean they are to people like me#and it's so stupid. you guys can all be so stupid. i can't make friends because of you because i'm afraid#everytime i post art or gush about the characters that bring me a comfort you wouldn't believe i worry i'll be told off from it.#i talked about yellow once on my old sideblog and some bitch whined about how i felt for him and how it was wrong#how they told their friends and they all agreed i was a freak for it. it's not that dramatic. not everyone sees him as a baby#like what was the point of that. maybe check my blog and you'll know how i see him.#i'm glad someone came to my defence.#someone once got into a post i made for fun which explained how i saw him and oh boy they infantilised him and went off-#about how he's their baby brother. good for you /gen but can you do that somewhere else i love your art i know your famous but that's no-#excuse. i see more popular palatable artists get away with worse shit like this and it's saddening and i make sure to get away from it.#it's hard when i want to see art of my loves and only see two of them together. it's bittersweet and feels incomplete.#without them i feel incomplete. finding them was like finding three quarters of me that were lost to make me whole.#i bought badges of the trio on etsy and i lost the yellow one. i sobbed. i had to be consoled. i couldn't even do my math exams#because i got a taste of what a life would be where just one peice was missing.#any moment any of them can be taken away from me. that's selfish because they're not even mine and they're not even real.#i went off a bit. i AM happy. i am on my way to be happy. that's just something i needed to get off my chest
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sourkitsch · 4 months
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Two things that are true at once:
I am not nearly as mentally ill as I’ve convinced myself I am
I am far sicker than I’ve convinced my friends that I am
#:(#my friend and I were talking about post grad plans and we were talking about how our friend is gonna move in w them + their partner#and eventually we got onto how I’m not confident on my ability to pay rent on place by myself#and then they were like omg wait we were actually just looking at a place w 3 bedrooms and thinking about who else we would want to live w#and I literally brushed them off by saying ‘oh no I’m a nightmare to live with’ and they were like no omg it would be so great!!!!!!#it would not be great. and I am hoping whatever these plans are fall through so I don’t have to say anything about it#because I cannot have roommates. my friends have only encountered my ptsd twice and I managed it well enough that I’m pretty sure#no one noticed. but it’s because the vast majority of my triggers are domestic. when I sleep over my moms house I sleep in a bedroom#all the way down the hall away from everything because I cannot hear people’s footsteps by my door or I freak the fuck out#and just the idea of people drinking or doing drugs in a place I live makes me feel like I’m gonna throw up#I’ve tried living in a single dorm before and that was bad enough that I had to move off of campus my sophomore year#I just really really really don’t want to be serious and tell them I can’t#because I know it would be unfair to all of us#I hate that I view myself as a punishment for other people but I know it’s because it is. I would be that crazy roommate that’s brought up#for years afterwards. and it sucks because I like this people even if I know not to trust them#it’s also now a pattern that when I bring something up about me not being normal people think it’s a joke. which maybe it’s my fault#I really need to go back to therapy but do not have the bandwidth to go over the incest thing with a new person right now
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bobmckenzie · 1 year
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ok i don't know WHAT kind of brain fart I had but I've been thinking today marks 6 months since I started shipping with Bob... IT'S NOT SIX DLSKJFKSF IT'S EIGHT 😳😳😳 8 MONTHS!!!
so today i learned i don't know how to count but idec bc it's my 8 month bobiversarry lol ❤️
#(sorry there's basically a freaking diary entry in these tags damn) (needed to get my thoughts out ig lol)#i really am so grateful for him and doug. which i get could sound really silly to ppl outside of this community lol#but they've helped me through the past 8 months and have made me smile even when in the worst moods :'3#even putting the selfshipping aspect of it aside they just make me happy !!#i honestly CANNOT believe its been that long already though... time has freaking FLOWN by since sept#but actually thinking about it in that way makes me oddly motivated? like that post abt how#'the time will pass anyways.' like i could have done A LOT in those 8 months but... i didn't 🧍🏻‍♀️BUT#there's 8 more months right ahead of me to make use of. like i've been really wanting to learn music theory and production#and im scared bc of how much time it will take. but I started studying a few days ago... and in 8 months i'll have 8 months of experience#idk it's just a comforting thought#like maybe even just in 4 months on the one year bobiverssary (lol) i'll be able to look back on today#and be like WOW i learned SO much since then and made so much music etc. just need to manage my time better all around.#bc of course i also need to do my actual JOB aka finish my next novel and prep for selfpub#cause i'm excited but not nearly ready 4 when my current contract ends. idk if it'll get renewed or not but i'm cool w either outcome 🧘🏻‍♀#UMMM. i didn't expect to ramble that much LMFAO sorry i was caught off guard by the passage of time ! 😳#peanut butter and jelly donut#caitiechat
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themslash · 8 months
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here's the thing. i'm on literally 0 hours of sleep so hear me out. i fucked my pinterrst algo beyond saving looking at "ai art" spotting the telltale signs but also looking at them is like watching a car crash. hard to look away. the longer i look at generated architecture and fantasy environment paintings the more obvious it becomes that they lack the human touch. and i can see every real, human artist's effort that it cannibalized. the hundreds of thousands of hours of work and study and true understanding and knowledge of how bricks and wood and fabric and live plants and so on and so forth work. fed into a fucking wood chipper. fed into the tubby custard machine and it spits out . well. custard. are you listening
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capaldiera · 2 months
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man idgaf about what treville and richelieu have going on (mostly nothing) (they dont like each other but they work together a lot bc of their jobs.) (i guess treville holding onto a sense of honour whilst working with the cardinal is interesting but like that's not. thats not really those two having something interesting going on). lets talk about the king and the cardinal man.
#the way the king sometimes resents the cardinal's influence but is so easily manipulated to feel lost without it.#the fact that he'll openly acknowledge the cardinal wants him to rule unfairly and play favourites. with a fond look on his face#''i will disband their whole regiment if that's what it takes to make you happy. only please don't leave me alone'' with tears in his eyes#all of which was exactly what the cardinal was going for and he just gets away with it!#the queen finds out he was trying to have her Killed and she says yeah fuck you obvi but i wont tell the king tho bc he loves you ?#i'm not saying any of this is like romantic to be clear lol. it's just very interesting#i mean i dont think it can probably be categorised really. but im definitely not calling it that#it is super interesting though the way the cardinal needs to undermine the queen and place himself closer to the king to succeed in his aim#it would be somewhat appropriate for sure to say its kind of a parent-child relationship in some ways but that's definitely not all of it#in terms of the way the king relies on him and his guidance. but again thats not all of it and he's not a child. or not actually a child.#and i could say this about any of the relationships between men on the show but of course Because they're both men that means the#Possibility of it being anything but fully platonic is not something he can acknowledge and for that reason whether it is or Not there's#still going to be a level of repression and denial that just complicates things. even though/if theres not truly anything to deny#meanwhile honestly i think the cardinal is personally being normal about it even tho he's a freak about a lot of other things#i mean idk that was my impression. i am sorta-watching through s1 again so maybe i'll develop my ideas on that#anyway#me.txt#musketeers posting
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luffysbasement · 2 years
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hello, i'm finally distancing myself from mcyt :]
it's been really fun!! i loved drawing for everyone, for my interest and esp just interacting with you all. this fandom brought me my friends and different experiences and emotions that are rly unforgettable but i think it's time. thank you for everything, i appreciate you all! ♡♡ pls do stay safe and take care of yourselves!
(my art will remain here ofc but i will most likely be turning this blog into how it was before, multifandom, personal and just a bunch of whatever!)
#the shorter version is the post#ill be here in the tags to talk more :]#honestly im pretty grey on the situation and im just rly waiting for whats gonna happen#thats not why im leaving (mostly) i think its abt time to accept im getting tired of how the experience is of being a drm stan#i loved the man i rly do hes been with me for the entire pandemic him and his videos helped me get through it#but its kind of a bummer that just by being a fan u get exposed to antis and their nonstop scheme of just starting up shit#and that everytime something new comes up you keep hoping its just an accusation but at the same time u feel terrible and anxious anyway#ive alrdy distanced myself from twt and by extension even tumblr bc i thought if i just keep drawing and not looking at my socials those#dramas wont reach me (they still do and it sucks lol but i did get a peace of mind just being free of social media)#at some point i started losing interest in mcyt in general the only thing keeping me was drm not even mccs nor other ccs rly just drm#but then recent thing happened and yeah :/ idk what to think im lost and honestly just tired of stuff like this#thats the final straw i think i dont rly want my mental health tearing up over whether to worry abt things i alrdy stress over abt (w the#college and family stuff) and freaking minecraft youtubers fandom#i think whatever the outcome is im just over it if drm comes out innocent i dont think i can let go of him yet#so ill prob still be checking up on hm and watching him by myself#if not then thats that.#stilli cant deny the fact that it rly has been an amazing two almost three years#i hope you all stay safe and takecare of yourselves ♡#if anyone still wants to see my art im just hanging out in my onepiece sideblog lol @/luffysbasement
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vulpinesaint · 1 year
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honestly it is SO impressive that i haven't shown my face on here. like genuinely i like my own face so much that i'll get distracted by mirrors and all the pictures on my phone are selfies it is a HERCULEAN task not to show what i look like on here. unfortunately i value the privacy and anonymity of this space so much that i can't bring myself to do it
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diegoshargrieves · 8 months
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listening to my parents talk about me is so fucking funny. "she's dealt with us for so long that at this point she's done. she's mentally checked out from having to give a shit about anyone. can you believe how corruptible she is just because she's almost an adult and she thinks that we're not her problem anymore?"
like man you are literally so close. so fucking close.
#no it's not that ive dealt with everyone for my whole life and now im selfish and dont want to give a shit about anyone anymore#its that ive dealt with everyone my entire life ive been an emotional support pillar ive been rotting in this toxic dysfunctional household#ive been a third parent ive stepped in for my dad when he spontaneously decides to be a deadbeat ive supported my mom without fail#whenever shes needed it for years. ive dealt with everyones fits of mania & psychosis & breakdowns & chronic pain & depressive episodes#ive had my mental illness trivialized and belitted and downplayed. im exhausted and traumatized and so fucking burned out#of course it looks like ive given up on everyone from the outside because im struggling !! im struggling mentally and emotionally#and its spilling out in all the wrong ways and they just see it as me letting my anger ruin my character and everyone else around me#they dont care if theres something wrong with me even though im throwing out signs and cries for help literally wherever i can#they just care that theyre affected by it and inconvenienced by my deteriorating mental condition#they think this mentally ill freak is just what i am at this point and they cant stop emotionally blackmailing me#by reminiscing about how i used to be so kind and optimistic. i wish they would just fucking see me for once#ive played the role of the good emotional support eldest daughter my entire life. why didnt they think it would blow up at some point#and when i have tried opening up in moments of severe emotional vulnerability they just throw it back in my face later on#while simultaneously telling me i just need to change my outlook on life because im still young and cant define myself by childish problems#mom you are depressed and anxious you should recognize it better than anyone. you should be able to see it for what it is#instead of telling me to go spend a week volunteering at a cancer hospital so i can go see what real problems exist for people in the world#and what other people are going through and maybe ill come out with a new appreciation for life#mom just bc people are dying of cancer doesnt mean i can't be depressed just bc other people have it worse doesnt mean i cant have it bad#im so fucking tired!#3 am vent post yippee i am going to regret oversharing on the internet so badly when i wake up tmrw
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mako-island-moon-pool · 11 months
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You want to know how bad my memory is?
I was writing last night and I just straight up forgot that Sanji exists. I have been watching this show since 2012, he was my fave Strawhat outside of Luffy pre-TS, and I FORGOT HE EXISTED.
I was like 'hm yes well the ones who would understand are Nami and Robin... W- wasn't there one more I was thinking of a moment ago? Wasn't there another one who'd Get It?????'
'it's not Chopper. Definitely not Usopp. And it's not Zoro. That's all the remaining Strawhats at this point in the story. So... Why am I convinced I'm forgetting someone? Let's go through the arcs in my head agai- OH MY GOD, I FORGOT SANJI'
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#When I tell you my memory is shit... 😭 I used to own a Sanji shirt. What the fuck??#When that post about the memory issues finally leaves my queue#Like I joke about it but this shit can be genuinely terrifying. Like knowing my brain is getting worse. Knowing I'm probably forgetting#Seriously important things and just 'oops I can't remember haha'#It's scary.#I'll never get better because I'll just relive the pain over and over because my brain refuses to remember the help and progress I make#Every day I wake up back at step 1 it's so depressing and scary and horrifying and I hate it#I can never process anything bc I just forget and if I do remember it's like a punch to the chest for the first time every time#And people get SO sick of you after a while. Constantly asking for help. Never remembering anything. They get so annoyed with you.#Anyway. On a lighter note (not actually) I'm trying out a new one-shot :)#Not to speak ill of the 'soon-to-be' dead but Garp was a shit grandfather#So I was like What If Me And Luffy Had The Same Reaction#Because self love starts in recognizing your self through the other god damn it#Even if I finish this idk if I'll post it bc of how personal it is but it has been very cathartic to write#Then again I could just publish it anonymously so my irl friends won't see it. No harm no foul.#I (kid) once pushed my mom (grown adult) out of my room when she caused me to have a meltdown so I could 100% see Luffy doing the same thin#In my defense she had a habit of taunting me and destroying my stuff to punish me after inciting meltdowns and I just wanted to be alone#I was like 7 years old at the time (hell year hell year) so I doubt I actually hurt her. She just looked surprised. I remember that.#Sometimes I wonder why I identify so much with werewolves and then I remember ah yes. The childhood of being treated like a monster.#Like a freak because when people kept pushing your boundaries you'd rather bite than let them do whatever they want to you#Oh boo hoo such a terrible thing for a child to be... Protective of themselves...#ANYWAY. like I said this wasn't going to be much lighter.#I want Luffy to punch the lights out of Garp to protect his friends. Not even in-canon just in this fic#Ik in-canon Garp is a complex guy and loads of fans love him but... Smash eggs make sandwiches know what I'm saying?#Yeah GROOVY
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