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kimseokjin2024 · 1 year

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Jin: “I just hope anyone who likes me is happy”

BTS Butter album release interview [2021.07.28]

When you’re trying to speak candidly with someone, it’s not always easy to be pleasant and considerate at the same time. Jin is all those things.

“Butter” is staying on top of the Billboard Hot 100. How does it feel?

Jin: I can’t really get a feel for what kind of response it’s getting since I can only go to and from work right now. Since all the awards shows are done remotely/have moved online, too, we can’t accept any awards in person or feel the vibe in person or anything. And I don’t use the Internet much, really. Consequently, I ended up feeling less pressure and I could enjoy the promotional period itself a little better. I’m just glad we’re doing well in the meantime.

In your last interview with Weverse Magazine, you talked about the pressure you felt after “Dynamite” topped the Billboard Hot 100, but it seems like you’re mostly over that.

Jin: You could say that I cleared my mind, or that I worked through some things. I’m pretty sure I am doing better than then. I’m keeping a pretty regular routine now that I’m getting accustomed to commuting life, even though my schedule is sometimes a bit erratic. When I had to keep working without a single day off, I was sometimes really tired because I had things of my own to do after work before going to bed, but now after cycling through this routine for a while I’m a little healthier and I’m getting a little more sleep, too.

Before “Butter” came out, you released a solo song, “Abyss.” You were very forthcoming about the psychological difficulties you revealed in the lyrics and what you wrote about the song. What effect did releasing “Abyss” have on you?

Jin: I felt a kind of relief. I want my fans to picture me as being happy and I don’t actually want them to know that I feel that way, but now and then I feel the need to talk about what’s inside me. It’s been a few years since I expressed it in a song or explained anything about it so I feel a tiny bit relieved.

Part of the lyrics say, “I want to know more about you today.” That overlaps with the line, “I hold my breath and enter my ocean,” to make a song that’s like you’re meeting your own inner self.

Jin: Even I don’t know myself very well, and I was also depressed at the time, and that’s how I chose to face that part of myself. I never had a chance to meet myself, and I just feel like I was submerged in my own ocean and came back up to walk on the beach.

It’s not a perfect solution, but just the act itself of trying to go deep into the place with the answer appears to have had a positive influence on you.

Jin: I’m trying. I thought that sort of exercise was right for me, but if this doesn’t resolve anything, I’ll try something else, and then something else. If I’m having a hard time, I can ask the label for some time off to do something else. I feel like just being able to do that, even, is a little bit helpful itself.

Is your style of singing in that song related to the message you wanted to convey? You tried to reveal the problems you had in a frank manner and solve them in some way, and the song disclosed your emotions as straightforwardly as the lyrics did.

Jin: I handled the overall direction and composition of the song with Kye Bumzoo, one of the producers, and Pdogg, the other producer, directed while I recorded the vocals. We decided I would just go with my gut and not try to make it sound pretty or anything. That goes for the lyrics, too. I prefer songs that convey emotion in a calm, straightforward manner, both when I sing and when I’m listening to music.

Then what about “Butter”? Although it’s also straightforward like “Abyss,” the feelings it expresses are more pleasant.

Jin: Seriously, sometimes I think how great it’d be if I could sing this kind of song exclusively—other than the chorus. (laughs) I mean, every song we sing is so high-pitched. If you take out the chorus of this song, I thought I could do this song live pretty comfortably, no matter how hard the dance moves are.

You sing the “Butter” chorus in a light, high pitch. You must have given a lot of thought about how to express yourself for that part.

Jin: I felt pressure because the notes in the chorus are particularly high, so I put all my power into singing it, but I actually ended up putting too much power into my vocals, so I kept thinking I have to ease up and chill. When we were doing the first performance in particular, I forgot all of that and put power behind my vocals. I get nervous for every performance, but some make me especially nervous. I feel it sometimes whenever I do those performances. Inside I’m like, Right—Seokjin, you said you would ease up, remember? Anyway, it’s also nice that I get to show off a lot in “Butter.” You know I’m handsome, right? (laughs) It makes me happy that I can show off my handsome face to my heart’s content and show you everything I’m capable of. I wanted to show all of this off in a performance as quickly as possible.

“Butter” opens with you making gestures with your hands while looking cheerfully into the camera. I imagine you had a lot of fun preparing for the performance.

Jin: Practice is honestly a burden, though. Usually when we practice, I’m slow at learning the moves. So I’m not very good at it. [And] when I practiced with [performance director Son] Sung Deuk, he was really worried at first. This is tough—can he pull it off? He worried a lot, right up until we got up for our first performance, but when he saw me again after two or three weeks of doing “Butter,” he said to me, Whoa, is this Seokjin, the guy getting all that hot feedback lately? (laughs) He said I was dancing great. At first I hadn’t seen the response, so I asked him if he was teasing me, but he said, “No, everybody’s saying you’re dancing great.” If that’s really true, it’s all thanks to him. (laughs)

In the “ARMY Corner Store” video uploaded to YouTube for FESTA 2021 in celebration of the eighth anniversary of your debut, you said you put a lot of effort into following the songs and dances. Aren’t you satisfied with how “Butter” turned out? I feel like the song was more enjoyable thanks to the character you’ve built up over time.

Jin: Well, the song where I’m most satisfied with myself is “Butter,” because I’ve been honing my skills for a long time at this point, and “Butter” is our latest release. As time goes by and we come out with more songs, and if I improve more, my favorite song will be whatever is newest, and then “Butter” might not be as satisfying to me anymore. But it’s the most satisfying one for now.

In what ways have you gotten better?

Jin: When I first started this job, I practiced according to the staff’s directions, and even now in the case of dancing I’m still striving to follow along, but it takes me less time to adjust than it used to. When I review after practice, I can see how it’s going and what I need to do. It takes a little less time to line myself up with the beat than before, and I think I’ve become able to refine it a bit better. I was also happy this time around when Hobi told me my dancing really improved.

How was performing for “Permission to Dance”?

Jin: I really like the song, but when we perform it, I wish I’d had more time to prepare. We had a comeback in May with “Butter” and then a fan meeting concert in June, so we got ready for “Permission to Dance” at the same time we were filming performances of “Butter.” We didn’t have anything else we had to work on before “Butter” so we had plenty of time to practice it, but we had to practice “Permission to Dance” and get ready for the fan meeting simultaneously. Time’s always tight, but I think I could’ve done even better if I could’ve taken a little more time. I wish I had had more time to put a little more effort in.

The more time you spend practicing, the better the outcome, and the more ambitious you end up becoming.

Jin: So, I’m not good at memorizing lyrics, for instance. I think some of the other members can catch on real quick, but it’s not like that for me. So if we do something like a new song or a special one at a fan meeting, I have to spend more time preparing than the others. When a new song’s coming out, I have to practice for at least 4-5 days to get the hang of it.

You performed the rap in “Daechwita” for BTS 2021 MUSTER SOWOOZOO, but it’s really rare to see you rapping. I imagine the process you went through to practice was intense.

Jin: It was so hard. I had to do “Daechwita” and “Chicken Noodle Soup,” but it was only about a month before the concert when the set list was decided. During that time, I’d come home after finishing work, turn on the music for “Daechwita” and practice it for 15 minutes, then do “Chicken Noodle Soup” after that, and then go straight to sleep. The next day I’d wake up, go to work, come home and do another 15 minutes of “Daechwita” and more “Chicken Noodle Soup.” I kept repeating that for a really long time. I’m terrible at memorizing lyrics so that kind of took a while.

That’s a lot of time to keep practicing constantly like that. Your work-life balance must also be important, too. It’s difficult to practice beyond a certain amount of time every day without having some time to relax.

Jin: Exactly. Like I said, my skills are lacking when it comes to memorizing lyrics, but I think I have other abilities that cover up for what I lack. In fact, I enjoy constantly memorizing things like that. My gift is my ability to enjoy practicing repeatedly, so if I somehow succeed before the deadline, I give myself praise. (laughs) Practicing takes me a long time, so I just decided to treat it as one big project. The way I do it is, when I say it’s time for a break, it’s time for a break, and I rest to my heart’s content.

You seemed to be talking about the importance of time spent outside working hours in “ARMY Corner Store” when you said the measure of your satisfaction is the degree to which you can pass your day meaninglessly. As a member of BTS, you must not have that much time to spend as you please.

Jin: Koreans my age have no choice but to self-improve these days. You have to improve your qualifications, learn things, and people even tell you your hobbies have to be productive, even though they’re hobbies. After being taught that way since I was young, I think I need to follow through on that somehow. I feel like I have to do something productive, even when I’m trying to take a break. But if I don’t do a single thing and just loaf around in bed, or do some unproductive, unnecessary activity, I actually end up feeling satisfied. Go from sleeping to waking up, waking up to eating, eating to sleeping again. Wake up from sleep and suddenly want to watch TV, and go watch it. If there’s nothing good on TV, play a game, then look at the clock, and if it’s late, sleep. I think everyone needs days like this.

That time must become all the more important when you’re busy being a member of BTS, since you don’t have much time to spend that way.

Jin: When I’m not working, all I really want to do is something I enjoy for myself. In that case, people might wonder why you’re doing things that won’t help you in life, but I think that time’s important for everyone. Society is always seeking out the things that are useful. And that’s good, too, but for our own sake, I think we require time to find stability in our own minds, even if it looks useless in the eyes of others.

Speaking of which, you posted a picture of yourself eating with Bang Si-hyuk, the producer, on Weverse. It’s amazing that two people with so much influence and things to do can take the time to relax together.

Jin: People around the office might feel he is unapproachable, but I don’t find him to be like that. (laughs) So I asked him in passing to have a drink and he suddenly said, “Okay, when are you free?” Most of the time, though, I only meet like that on a spur of the moment, so I said, “Uh, I’m busy right now. This day’s all booked up, too, and so’s this day.” (laughs) “Then just give me a rough time and I’ll make time when you’re done.” We talked back and forth like that and he came to see me the next day for dinner when I was all finished with work. And he said he’d cook for me and buy wine, too. Anyway, it was a nice meal.

You couldn’t have felt that comfortable with him before your debut (laughs) but as time passed, many things have changed. Everyone became so successful, too.

Jin: You could say that I was in a position where I was looking for a job when I was a trainee. At the time, I thought people who got chosen seemed really cool, but by contrast I had no confidence. I don’t think it would’ve actually happened this way, but I thought if I talked to someone who found work, they would give me the cold shoulder, sort of. So I didn’t feel very confident.

I think you showed that you have confidence with the joke you told on tvN’s You Quiz on the Block about your older brother calling you Mr. Seokjin lately, or when you talked about the mood when an older relative gave you money for Korean New Years on V LIVE. That you can easily accept anyone no matter how they handle you.

Jin: Right. If I don’t behave that way, everyone else has a harder time. People I know will say “the superstar is here” as a joke. If I say, “Superstar? What are you talking about? Don’t say that,” and give them a serious look, they’ll have no idea what to call me next time or what to talk about. Honestly, if someone who’s meeting me for the first time or doesn’t see me that often responds in that kind of somewhat exaggerated way, they might think it’s fun. I’m sure that’s the way I’d react if I met a really famous person. So if someone says, “Aha, the superstar is here,” I say, “the superstar has come!” too. As long as I don’t respond in a serious way so everyone can tell it’s a joke, the ice is broken.

Now that you’re a superstar for real—not a joke—is there anything you’d tell the old, unconfident Jin from the past if you could meet him?

Jin: I don’t know what I would tell him. I want to tell him to keep his head up (laughs) but if I gave my old self too much to think about, he might end up feeling exhausted after practice and give up. I think it would be enough just to tell him to work hard.

Where do you find the ambition to keep working hard, even now?

Jin: From ARMY’s reactions, of course. I’d say I’m trying harder and trying to do well without exhausting myself so I can see people on Twitter or Weverse saying I’ve improved or that I’m doing a good job. And these days we have to do the performances on film, and we shoot them in advance for the sake of quality. Because of that, we usually record the performances long before the songs get released, which means we have to change our looks for the recording. It’s hard to go public with my new look until anything’s officially released for that reason, or else there could be spoilers. That makes me all the more eager to show off the best parts of myself in our performances. If it weren’t for the current situation, I could instantly see our fans’ reactions, so it’s a shame they can’t see me working this hard.

What would you like to say to ARMY?

Jin: I hope our fans don’t lose their laughter. I’m not really good at saying those kinds of cheesy things. It’s not in my personality. I feel embarrassed and cringey when I talk like that and I can’t take myself seriously, so I try to keep it to a minimum. But fans watch us as a hobby, you know? Hobbies are all about enjoying yourself and being able to laugh, so I want to look happy for them, not exhausted. I go out of my way to make funny posts or leave funny replies on Weverse to make them happier. I just hope anyone who likes me is happy. And I don’t want them to see anything bad. That’s how I feel about my work.

Source: Weverse Magazine

#seokjin #jin #김석진 #진 #방탄소년단 #jin news #kim seokjin #BTS

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letterboxd · 3 years

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In Focus: The Mummy

Dominic Corry responds on behalf of Letterboxd to an impassioned plea to bump up the average rating of the 1999 version of The Mummy—and asks: where is the next great action adventure coming from?

We recently received the following email regarding the Stephen Sommers blockbuster The Mummy:

To whom it may concern,

I am writing to you on behalf of the nation, if not the entire globe, who frankly deserve better than this after months of suffering with the Covid pandemic.

I was recently made aware that the rating of The Mummy on your platform only stands at 3.3 stars out of five. … This, as I’m sure you’re aware, is simply unacceptable. The Mummy is, as a statement of fact, the greatest film ever made. It is simply fallacious that anyone should claim otherwise, or that the rating should fail to reflect this. This oversight cannot be allowed to stand.

I have my suspicions that this rating has been falsely allocated due to people with personal axes to grind against The Mummy, most likely other directors who are simply jealous that their own artistic oeuvres will never attain the zenith of perfection, nor indeed come close to approaching the quality or the cultural influence of The Mummy. There is, quite frankly, no other explanation. The Mummy is, objectively speaking, a five-star film (… I would argue that it in fact transcends the rating sytem used by us mere mortals). It would only be proper, as a matter of urgency, to remove all fake ratings (i.e. any ratings [below] five stars) and allow The Mummy’s rating to stand, as it should, at five stars, or perhaps to replace the rating altogether with a simple banner which reads “the greatest film of all time, objectively speaking”. I look forward to this grievous error being remedied.

Best, Anwen

Which of course: no, we would never do that. But the vigor Anwen expresses in her letter impressed us (we checked: she’s real, though is mostly a Letterboxd lurker due to a busy day-job in television production, “so finding time to watch anything that isn’t The Mummy is, frankly, impossible… not that there’s ever any need to watch anything else, of course.”).

So Letterboxd put me, Stephen Sommers fan, on the job of paying homage to the last great old-school action-adventure blockbuster, a film that straddles the end of one cinematic era and the beginning of the next one. And also to ask: where’s the next great action adventure coming from?

Brendan Fraser, Rachel Weisz and John Hannah in ‘The Mummy’ (1999).

When you delve into the Letterboxd reviews of The Mummy, it quickly becomes clear how widely beloved the film is, 3.3 average notwithstanding. Of more concern to the less youthful among us is how quaintly it is perceived, as if it harkens back to the dawn of cinema or something. “God, I miss good old-fashioned adventure movies,” bemoans Holly-Beth. “I have so many fond memories of watching this on TV with my family countless times growing up,” recalls Jess. “A childhood classic,” notes Simon.

As alarming as it is to see such wistful nostalgia for what was a cutting-edge, special-effects-laden contemporary popcorn hit, it has been twenty-one years since the film was released, so anyone currently in their early 30s would’ve encountered the film at just the right age for it to imprint deeply in their hearts. This has helped make it a Raiders of the Lost Ark for a specific Letterboxd demographic.

Sommers took plenty of inspiration from the Indiana Jones series for his take on The Mummy (the original 1932 film, also with a 3.3 average, is famously sedate), but for ten-year-olds in 1999, it may have been their only exposure to such pulpy derring-do. And when you consider that popcorn cinema would soon be taken over by interconnected on-screen universes populated by spandex-clad superheroes, the idea that The Mummy is an old-fashioned movie is easier to comprehend.

However, for all its throwbackiness, beholding The Mummy from the perspective of 2020 reveals it to have more to say about the future of cinema than the past. 1999 was a big year for movies, often considered one of the all-time best, but the legacy of The Mummy ties it most directly to two of that year’s other biggest hits: Star Wars: Episode One—The Phantom Menace and The Matrix. These three blockbusters represented a turning point for the biggest technological advancement to hit the cinematic art-form since the introduction of sound: computer-generated imagery, aka CGI. The technique had been widely used from 1989’s The Abyss onwards, and took significant leaps forward with movies such as Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991), Jurassic Park (1993) and Starship Troopers (1997), but the three 1999 films mentioned above signified a move into the era when blockbusters began to be defined by their CGI.

A year before The Mummy, Sommers had creatively utilised CGI in his criminally underrated sci-fi action thriller Deep Rising (another film that deserves a higher average Letterboxd rating, just sayin’), and he took this approach to the next level with The Mummy. While some of the CGI in The Mummy doesn’t hold up as well as the technopunk visuals presented in The Matrix, The Mummy showed how effective the technique could be in an historical setting—the expansiveness of ancient Egypt depicted in the movie is magnificent, and the iconic rendering of Imhotep’s face in the sand storm proved to be an enduringly creepy image. Not to mention those scuttling scarab beetles.

George Lucas wanted to test the boundaries of the technique with his insanely anticipated new Star Wars film after dipping his toe in the digital water with the special editions of the original trilogy. Beyond set expansions and environments, a bunch of big creatures and cool spaceships, his biggest gambit was Jar Jar Binks, a major character rendered entirely through CGI. And we all know how that turned out.

A CGI-enhanced Arnold Vosloo as Imhotep.

Sommers arguably presented a much more effective CGI character in the slowly regenerating resurrected Imhotep. Jar Jar’s design was “bigger” than the actor playing him on set, Ahmed Best. Which is to say, Jar Jar took up more space on screen than Best. But with the zombie-ish Imhotep, Sommers (ably assisted by Industrial Light & Magic, who also worked on the Star Wars films) used CGI to create negative space, an effect impossible to achieve with practical make-up—large parts of the character were missing. It was an indelible visual concept that has been recreated many times since, but Sommers pioneered its usage here, and it contributed greatly to the popcorn horror threat posed by the character.

Sommers, generally an unfairly overlooked master of fun popcorn spectacle (G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is good, guys), deserves more credit for how he creatively utilized CGI to elevate the storytelling in The Mummy. But CGI isn’t the main reason the film works—it’s a spry, light-on-its-feet adventure that presents an iconic horror property in an entertaining and adventurous new light. And it happens to feature a ridiculously attractive cast all captured just as their pulchritudinous powers were peaking.

Meme-worthy: “My sexual orientation is the cast of ‘The Mummy’ (1999).”

A rising star at the time, Brendan Fraser was mostly known for comedic performances, and although he’d proven himself very capable with his shirt off in George of the Jungle (1997), he wasn’t necessarily at the top of anyone’s list for action-hero roles. But he is superlatively charming as dashing American adventurer Rick O’Connell. His fizzy chemistry with Weisz, playing the brilliant-but-clumsy Egyptologist Evie Carnahan, makes the film a legitimate romantic caper. The role proved to be a breakout for Weisz, then perhaps best known for playing opposite Keanu Reeves in the trouble-plagued action flop Chain Reaction, or for her supporting role in the Liv Tyler vehicle Stealing Beauty.

“90s Brendan Fraser is what Chris Pratt wishes he was,” argues Holly-Beth. “Please come back to us, Brendaddy. We need you.” begs Joshhh. “I’d like to thank Rachel Weisz for playing an integral role in my sexual awakening,” offers Sree.

Then there’s Oded Fehr as Ardeth Bey, a member of the Medjai, a sect dedicated to preventing Imhotep’s tomb from being discovered, and Patricia Velásquez as Anck-su-namun, Imhotep’s cursed lover. Both stupidly good-looking. Heck, Imhotep himself (South African Arnold Vosloo, coming across as Billy Zane’s more rugged brother), is one of the hottest horror villains in the history of cinema.

“Remember when studio movies were sexy?” laments Colin McLaughlin. We do Colin, we do.

Sommers directed a somewhat bloated sequel, The Mummy Returns, in 2001, which featured the cinematic debut of one Dwayne Johnson. His character got a spin-off movie the following year (The Scorpion King), which generated a bunch of DTV sequels of its own, and is now the subject of a Johnson-produced reboot. Brendan Fraser came back for a third film in 2008, the Rob Cohen-directed The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. Weisz declined to participate, and was replaced by Maria Bello.

Despite all the follow-ups, and the enduring love for the first Sommers film, there has been a sadly significant dearth of movies along these lines in the two decades since it was released. The less said about 2017 reboot The Mummy (which was supposed to kick-off a new Universal Monster shared cinematic universe, and took a contemporary, action-heavy approach to the property), the better.

The Rock in ‘The Mummy Returns’ (2001).

For a long time, adventure films were Hollywood’s bread and butter, but they’re surprisingly thin on the ground these days. So it makes a certain amount of sense that nostalgia for the 1999 The Mummy continues to grow. You could argue that many of the superhero films that dominate multiplexes count as adventure movies, but nobody really sees them that way—they are their own genre.

There are, however, a couple of films on the horizon that could help bring back old-school cinematic adventure. One is the long-planned—and finally actually shot—adaptation of the Uncharted video-game franchise, starring Tom Holland. The games borrow a lot from the Indiana Jones films, and it’ll be interesting to see how much that manifests in the adaptation.

Then there’s Letterboxd favorite David Lowery’s forever-upcoming medieval adventure drama The Green Knight, starring Dev Patel and Alicia Vikander (who herself recently rebooted another video-game icon, Lara Croft). Plus they are still threatening to make another Indiana Jones movie, even if it no longer looks like Steven Spielberg will direct it.

While these are all exciting projects—and notwithstanding the current crisis in the multiplexes—it can’t help but feel like we may never again get a movie quite like The Mummy, with its unlikely combination of eye-popping CGI, old-fashioned adventure tropes and a once-in-a-lifetime ensemble of overflowing hotness. Long may love for it reign on Letterboxd—let’s see if we can’t get that average rating up, the old fashioned way. For Anwen.

Related content

How I Letterboxd with The Mummy fan Eve (“The first film I went out and bought memorabilia for… it was a Mummy action figure that included canopic jars”)

The Mummy (Universal) Collection

Every film featuring the Mummy (not mummies in general)

Follow Dom on Letterboxd

#the mummy #brendan fraser #stephen sommers #action adventure #fantasy adventure #action adventure film #the green knight #david lowery #dominic corry #letterboxd

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sasorikigai · 2 years

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“talk to me, okay? i need to know what’s going on.” liv @ hanzo for modern verse! <3

more random dialogue prompts || @somniaxperdita || accepting

💥 || Through the winding mist of the torrential rain pouring upon his being, wind wallows into pith of all of his being, as sanguine spillage still coats his temple. How Hanzo Hasashi gasps, gawks, and grips, but strenuously resisting himself from plunging far into the familiarity of dark abyss that is his unconsciousness. Love had taught him so many things, most of them tragic - there may have been raptures that came for him, and raptures in which still will, come for him in the future, but Hanzo no longer remains drenched in hopes, nor encased by dreams.

He stands by the edge of the precipice where chaos devours the entrails of hope, siphoning the vital organ inside his body full of spirits, and the blood running through the body of love. How its thick, potent sanguine drips from his brow as the heist of Hanzo Hasashi’s heart has laid this story out; all its pages have been torn, but the memory resides, and still, he will somehow regain strength and resolve to laugh and ponder and frown at what he would find inside.

His dilated, scintillating gaze still speaks wantonly of the hazy dream of what might have been love; puzzle until his broken kintsugi heart starts to scab, tear the pieces back open for him to breathe again. How could the Commander ever build a virtuous cycle when he struggles with the perpetual vicious cycle of sinking into the unfathomable bottomless heart where once dreams of metamorphosis further exacerbates only the heaviness in his chest and the sadness in his heart? How the whirlwind of his emotions whip through him, as its force bubbles up and pop, tipping slowly, pouring over the top. Hanzo’s tense shoulders and a stomach that’s churning and turning lurching forward, as such gripping, clenching, queasy sensation ravages through his broad form.

“I feel as if the last metaphorical candle of my resolve has gone out with the slice of my voice. My body is floating, my head is heavy, and on the loud speaker of cacophonous chaos of my mind, I feel as if I am trapped. I feel as if I’m fucking stuck in this damned and pitiful place I call life,” what could he even do when Hanzo Hasashi loses himself as a whole? He couldn’t be the one to be the protector and serve as a bulwark against criminality and unending forces of darkness when he finds himself succumbing from its sheer vehemence. And he once thought life may catalyze as magnificent diamond, lest his guilt and remorse seeps into his heart and soul with every struggle and tribulation, shifting like sand, gritty discomfort clinging to him as he tastes coarse bitterness of failure and despair. “Reality has left my heart gone and my chest aches for what is lost.”

In this transparent silence and transparency of space, Hanzo’s motionless form crumbles to cradle Olivia; as crudely spilling crimson leaves redden his face, as his torn wounds weave fall’s fabric into winter’s desolate and gelid seam. Tangled limbs secure around her waist, while he buries his head into the familiar crook of Olivia’s neck. 💥 ||

#✗ the ineffable testimony of spawned hellfire (scorpion)#✗ ugly syllables of conjured vindictive crimson (modern au)#✗ successions of binding music (olivia winter || somniaxperdita)#(ANGST TIME!)#somniaxperdita

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orionares · 3 years

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BTHB: Comatose, Part 3

---------------------------------------------- The tears come easily.

For the next hour or many, Elliot lets the tears fall for everything in the nine month battle against William Lewis.

He cries for the pain- the cigarette burns, the days without sleep, food or water, the trial, the damn Russian Roulette. His heart shatters at the dangerous possibility of Lewis inflicting the one trauma they had spent over a decade fighting against together.

When he runs out of tears, Elliot lays his head on the edge of the bed and blocks out the cacophony of nurses, doctors and staff working busily in the hall. There’s a throbbing headache that builds with every passing second of the truly dark, guilt fueled thoughts itching to spill over.

He’s already inches above the abyss; he can’t let this push him over.

“You know,” Elliot whispers, “I didn’t have any plans of how we’d discuss why I left. Writing the letter wasn't an impulse, but giving you the letter after Kathy’s death. Now, I- I wish I could rewrite it.”

He pauses to wipe the sudden heat from his face. “I- I would say that you shouldn’t forgive me. You shouldn’t, Liv. I don’t deserve- I…”

The stress induced twitch that Eli had identified during the failed intervention returns as Elliot twitches while pushing away the same dark thought that’s repeated in his mind since opening the file- This is on you.

A knock on the door breaks into his thoughts and he lifts his head to see Fin standing at the door, eyes flickering between Olivia and him.

“She’s fine,” Elliot yells out. “I, uh, know about Lewis.”

“Damn,” Fin mutters under his breath. He shakes his head before closing the room door closed behind him. The sergeant’s fatigue is clear as he moves slowly to an open chair on the opposing side and lowers himself down slowly. “Rollins tell you?”

Elliot glances back to Olivia. “You didn’t tell me about it.”

“Because it wasn’t something to say over the phone,” Fin shrugs, “and it wasn’t my story to tell. I wasn’t going to say You're alive and coming back? Great! By the way, Liv almost died while you were gone.”

“I think I had created some imaginative world of where she moved on but was ok while I was overseas. And then I’d created another fantasy where things settled and I’d close the case on Kathy’s murder and we’d,” Elliot reach out and rests his hand on Olivia’s, “reconnect. I’d beg, plead and woo my way back in earning her trust. And now-”

“Elliot, you screwed up,” Fin states, maintaining his calm demeanor, “You have your reasons for going radio silence and I get that, but it doesn’t change the fact that you abandoned her. And with Lewis- blaming yourself for what happened isn’t going to change the fact that it happened.”

Elliot opens his mouth to respond but Fin continues without missing a beat. “You think that you're the only one feeling guilty about that day? I was here, Stabler, and I still blame myself for what happened.”

Elliot nods weakly as Fin stands and circles the edge of the bed. The detective winces when Fin rests a hand on his shoulder and asks, “You are staying, right?”

The answer catches in his throat, leaving him left with another weak nod.

“Do you love her?”

“Am I that obvious?” Elliot chuckles. Fin rolls his eyes and repeats his question, “You love her?”

“Yeah.” Every time he says it aloud, finally admitting his love for Olivia, somehow brings a mixture of relief and guilt.

“So fight for her,” Fin advises. He pats her shoulder and heads for the door, calling for his shoulder, “Start by going home, getting something to eat and see your kids. And if you can’t bring yourself to leave, at least go get something to eat. Alright?”

---------------------------------------------------------------------

She dreams of life as ‘the other woman.’

In this possibility, she meets Kathy in a cafe while dropping off Eli; however, unlike the handful of times she had met Kathy with Eli in reality, the usually hidden tension between them is out on the surface. She still has Noah, now no older than two years old. He's sitting in her lap babbling happily as the two women sit across from each other in thick silence.

Kathy fiddles with her coffee mug in her hands and avoids eye contact with Olivia. Her jaw is clenched, highlighting the tension across her face.

"Eli had a great week with us," Olivia stammers to Kathy, who puts up a hand to cut her off. Every weekend starts like this, the two women in Elliot Stabler's life staring each other down.

"You don't have to play nice, Olivia," Kathy retorts. She glances over her shoulder towards the bathroom where seven year old Eli has run off to. "You can just drop the kids off and then leave with your son. You certainly don't need to do it for me."

"But Elliot-"

"Elliot's gone, Olivia!" Kathy snaps. She pushes the cup to her left and ignores the drips of coffee that spills over the edge. "My husband chose you and my God, this arrangement of having to see you every other week feels like a jab in my heart!"

A jab in her heart.

She'd scream those words back at Kathy and plead for an understanding to her allowing Elliot to ghost her if she had the chance.

But Kathy had never believed Elliot had completely locked her out of their lives. Reality or not, to Kathy, she will always be the other woman.

The sound of Noah’s happy babbling disappears under the sudden ringing in Olivia’s ear. She isn't shifting seamlessly between possible outcomes like she had before- no, as the ringing intensifies, Noah, Kathy and the patrons of the small café disappear into darkness.

And for her? Olivia drifts into the darkness, unaware if she'll end up back in another possibility or back on solid ground.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Oh My God.”

His eyes widen at his daughter’s voice from the doorway. Elliot sighs and lifts his forehead from the soft edge of the bed to see Kathleen staring mouth agape at Olivia.

And also Eli.

His youngest has his head low with his hair covering his eyes. Eli appears hesitant to be near him as he’s been so since the car accident and the failed intervention over a month earlier. Kathleen leads him into the room, fighting off the tears forming in her eyes at the sight of Olivia.

“Dad, I’m so sorry,” Kathleen sniffles. She approaches his side slowly and scans him head to toe with the same uneasiness and concern Kathy once would. “Is she- will she wake up?”

“They’ve weaned her off some medication that was allowing the brain to heal,” Elliot replies. He runs a hand over his face and then looks past his daughter to Eli. “Hey, Buddy.”

“We wanted to come by,” Kathleen explains with a quick glance to Eli warning- We came to this conclusion together, right ? Right?

“Yeah, I should have come home,” Elliot stammers. He stands up before his body rocks slightly with fatigue. Kathleen immediately grabs his arm and guides him back down in his seat.

“Dad, when was the last time you slept or gotten something to eat?” She asks. Eli’s eyes flicker with worry but he doesn’t move from the door frame. The fatigue that’s been at bay since speaking with Fin comes in the form of a tension headache.

“I’ll grab something from the cafeteria downstairs,” Kathleen exclaims without a further word from her father. She quickly pulls off her grey peacoat jacket and lays it on the foot of the bed. Kathleen quickly walks over to the door, whispers something in Eli’s ear and is out the door before Elliot’s rattled brain realizes it.

Eli takes a step closer to the bed and tucks his hand in his pocket. Half expecting him to pull out his cellphone, Elliot straightens up in his chair when his son instead stairs directly at Olivia with trepidation.

“Did Mom like her?” Eli asks in a small voice. It’s one of the few rare times that Elliot’s heard Eli ask about his Mom directly since the funeral. That’s on me, he thinks anxiously.

“She-uhm- I...your Mom and Oliva had a unique relationship,” Elliot states as blankly as he can. The conversation about the ‘other woman’ has been one that he’d hope to have years from now. “They got along-”

“Why did she keep asking about Olivia?”

Elliot watches his son avoid eye contact with him, instead choosing to stare at his father’s hand, once more resting on top of Olivia’s. “Because your mother didn’t believe that I cut her off. Your mother was so good at hiding things from you about what had happened in New York. We tried our absolute hardest to build a life for you in Rome outside of the life we had in New York.”

Eli takes another step closer, leaving an inch between the foot of the bed and himself. He opens his mouth and then shuts it, scrunching his nose while rethinking his next words. “Did you and Olivia break up?”

“What?” Elliot exclaims. He snorts out a laugh and then mutters, “No, Eli. Olivia and I were never together. She respected your Mom, your siblings and you.”

Elliot watches his son’s brow furrow in concentration just as Noah had done the night before. “Everyone kept talking about Olivia behind your guys’ back. I thought she was a story or a secret that we weren’t allowed to talk about. And then we came home,” Eli admits shyly, “ You look at her different than Mom.”

The detective fidgets with his wedding band with his thumb and index finger, replaying the bits and pieces of the failed intervention that he can remember. His kids had gravitated to Olivia like muscle memory, especially Kathleen and even Eli, from his memory, had appeared somewhat trusting of the strange woman in the apartment.

“Dad?” Eli’s voice breaks into his thoughts with awe, “You like her.”

Elliot looks over to his unconscious ex-partner and sighs as he takes in the half inch cuts on her chin and forehead. Admitting the truth he’s dodged for two decades to his youngest feels like a betrayal without Kathy by his side.

How does one tell their child- I stayed with your Mom even though I shouldn’t have?

He flinches when the presence of his son appears right next to him. The absence of an answer, a denial or an attempt at a misdirect is more than enough to admit what everyone around him already knows.

“Did Mom know?”

Elliot nods and chokes, “Yeah. She did. I’m sorry, Eli.”

Elliot once more expects an outburst or a retreat from his son but instead he feels his son’s long hair and chin rest on his shoulder.

It’s everything he needs at this moment.

“..Sty…”

Elliot turns his head towards Eli and asks, “What?”

Eli jerks back, eyes wide from the sudden move. “ I didn’t say anything.”

Elliot’s heart drops into his stomach and he freezes up. His ex-partner- the love of his life- may be waking and all he can feel is fear. Questions explode in his mind- what if she doesn’t remember what happened? What if there are lingering problems? What if she decides that she doesn’t want anything to do with me?

What if she never forgives me for Lewis?

“Dad, I think she’s waking up!”

What if I lose her?

“Dad! Should I call the doctor?”

Breathe.

Elliot finally brings himself out of his daze and finds himself looking directly into a pair of brown eyes. He’d cry in relief if he could.

Instead, Elliot runs a hand down her cheek, whispering, “Hey, Liv. Welcome back.”

A/N: One....ish chapter left.

#olivia benson #elliot stabler #law and order svu #svu #bad things bingo #bad things happen bingo #bensler #law and order oc

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hailene · 4 years

Text

𝚁𝚊𝚠 𝙻𝚒𝚗𝚎

𝚁𝚊𝚠 𝙻𝚒𝚗𝚎| 08

𝚂𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚏𝚊𝚗𝚏𝚒𝚌𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗

(𝘮𝘶𝘭𝘵𝘪𝘧𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘰𝘮– 𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘭𝘶𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘚𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘺 𝘒𝘪𝘥𝘴, 𝘕𝘊𝘛, 𝘉𝘛𝘚, 𝘛𝘸𝘪𝘤𝘦, (𝘎)𝘐-𝘋𝘓𝘌, 𝘔𝘢𝘮𝘢𝘮𝘰𝘰, 𝘉𝘭𝘢𝘤𝘬𝘱𝘪𝘯𝘬)

Genre: angst, racing!au, college!au, gang!au, underworld!au

Word count: 3.6K

ᴍᴀꜱᴛᴇʀʟɪꜱᴛ

00| 01| 02| 03| 04| 05| 06| 07| 08| 09| 10| tba

It was no surprise anymore that THE 8 was about to come in the first place. However, it still amazed me, how he could drive so smoothly and calmly, despite being so young. What has he been through that made him grow up so hastily?

What was actually a surprise, however, was the fact that he didn't stop after crossing the finish line. Nor even after a few meters. He went on for a second loop. And so did the matte black car running behind him.

I frown confused at the sight, suddenly becoming more aware of the gasps and confused voices echoing from near the track. I wasn't the only one who didn't know what was going on and that made me feel somehow better.

I turn my head to look at Joshua who looked, as always, unbothered. But there was a spark of concern in his eyes that I could have missed if I had blinked.

"They doubled the stake," I hear him saying. "The average time for a lap is twelve minutes. The one who finishes this one in less than nine minutes gets double points. The other one loses the same amount."

"Why just the two of them?" I ask.

Joshua shrugs.

"Nobody else is willed to lose so much... There are just two people able to win against THE 8."

I turn my head to look at him. There were so many things I didn't know. And even if I had Joshua telling me about them, I couldn't understand.

"And one of them is driving in that black car," he adds.

I feel an unsettling pang of fear in my chest as I remember the first time I came here. Chris Bang, or Bang Chan if you wish, Joshua had said. Don't let yourself get tricked by the appearances.

I didn't truly know anybody, not even Joshua, who was spending more time with me lately than my own sister was doing. But even so, something in my guts was telling me that this is not something THE 8 would normally do. Technically speaking, we do things in a different way only if there is something disturbing our sense, triggering a spark in us.

So what was the triggering factor here?

I don't know much about emotions and the way they work, because I've always only truly known my own. But is anybody truly unreadable? Triggering factors don't usually work on our reasoning– that's what structured plans are for. If you want to change something logically, you plan it.

But there is no plan. Joshua looks as surprised as I am. Everybody looks as surprised as I am.

Triggering factors work on the way we feel. Because that's something we can't control.

I don't know these people, I can't try to get in their minds. I am not able to.

But can I trick myself into thinking that I am in control by taking wild guesses at how they feel?

I can. And I will.

This is not the first time THE 8 surprises me. Sure, that might happen because I don't know him. But a few days ago, when he had to drive me home, he did something unexpected. Or better said, he didn't do something that I was very much expecting. He didn't question it. He didn't question what Jeonghan asked him to do, nor did he whine. He did it willingly.

I'm scared to believe that these people can be involved in friendships. Even those might be shallow. So I would rather believe in things like loyalty and respect. In trust. And trust is not a gift to be given.

It's a battle to be won.

Jeonghan means something to THE 8, he did him something good. And he won his trust. That's the only tint of emotion I was able to notice at him, other than polite smiles and curious eyes. The only thing connected to the way he feels. And if I follow the line, this emotion of his can be triggered only if something happened on the other side. The way the biker boy feels can be changed if something happened to...

"Joshua," I call and my voice comes out shaking "where is Jeonghan?"

He doesn't answer right away, his lip curving into a small smile. How can he smile right now?

"Well," he says "you already know that, don't you?"

In that instant, I could have sworn my heart stopped. I wasn't familiar with this, with worrying this much for someone who was not family. It took me a few moments to realize why I was feeling like this, why my mouth went dry and my heart clenched. It was guilt. I hadn't seen Jeonghan ever since the night we went to the underground garage...

"He's fine," Joshua says, looking at me sympathetically. "Don't worry."

Don't worry.

How can I not?

"Where is he?" I ask, avoiding Joshua's gaze and not paying attention to roaring engines that seemed to get closer and closer.

"Home, probably," he shrugs.

I hated it. I hated how Joshua treated things so lightly and I was worrying about every single little detail. I hated how I couldn't be careless, because I wasn't raised to be like this. I hated how I wasn't able to do something.

"Can we pay him a visit after this?" I ask Joshua, finally looking into his eyes.

He looks back at the racetrack, but my eyes stay glued to his figure, as if rushing him to give me an answer. But he is annoyingly calm.

"There is no reason for us to," he says and in that moment I feel the genuine helplessness of not being able to convince even that one person that seemed to be on my side.

He checks his phone and sighs.

"Thirty seconds left, otherwise they're both losing," he says looking lost.

I couldn't care about the race happening in front of me. I didn't know what happened to Jeonghan, as I didn't know a lot of things. However, unlike other things, not knowing what happened to that angelic-but-devilish boy seemed to bother me unhealthily much. The sound of the race cars and the expectant cheers of the supporters were echoing in my ears, but I couldn't focus on them. My mind was slowly drifting away, engulfed by a cold panic. My hands were going numb and my heart was beating as if I had been running for the past half an hour.

If not even Jeonghan, who always seemed to have everything under control, could avoid a bad situation, what am I doing here?

Would he be alright now if we hadn't gone to that underground garage?

Why is racing so important to them?

And why is it so dangerous?

Why do I have to act like I don't know them?

Why has Yuri hidden all of it from me all this time?

Why can't I know what is happening?

Why am I here?

I close my eyes shut and in the next moment, the crowd bursts in loud cheers... but everything felt distant to me, as if I was somewhere far, far away from this arena.

One, two, three...

"That was close, six more seconds and it would have been a double fail."

I open my eyes again, trying to focus them on something, anything. But my head was hurting and all the sounds around me were ringing like screeching noises in my ears.

"We should leave now."

Inhale. One, two, three, fo-...

A pang.

My eyes close again and I shake my head lightly as if trying to get rid of all the trembling and the pain. When I open them again, everything is a blur. My head hurts. My lungs burn.

"Emma?"

Suddenly, everything goes silent. And I feel myself falling in a dark abyss.

The first thing that I see when I wake up is a familiar ceiling. I blink a few times, trying to figure out where I am and how I got here.

"Oh, you're awake," I hear a low voice calling somewhere in the room.

I turn my head to my right, only to see a tall figure shuffling around something that looked like a small table. I flinch in pain when a twinge crosses my head. Have I been shot? What an exciting experience... except it hurt like hell.

"Don't move too much, I bet it still hurts," the same voice speaks.

I try to associate the voice with a face, but I couldn't really think at the moment. The figure steps closer to the night lamp on the wall next to the bed I was lying in, making their features discernible.

Wonwoo?

He looks at me and shots me a warm smile. Soon, I realize we were in the bedroom I was sharing with Yuri at Joshua's house. How did I even get here?

"You passed out," he says calmly. "Probably an anxiety attack."

I frown. I have never had anxiety attacks... at least not ones that made me faint. Why now?

"It might be some stress and fatigue combined," Wonwoo says. "It's late now, but when you wake up, you'll have some meds to take, okay?"

Is he the doctor of the squad?

I nod wearily and rest my head on the pillow. Wonwoo watches me in silence for a while, he was still wearing his silver-rimmed glasses that made him look really smart casual. He didn't seem to be talkative and to be honest, I didn't mind at all.

The door of the room opens and both Wonwoo and I turn our head towards the entrance to see the newcomer.

"Thank God," Yuri whispers before rushing towards the bed and engulfing me in a tight hug, making all my bones hurt even more.

"Liv, she's kind of... fragile right now..." Wonwoo says and my sister lets go.

"Oh my God, I'm sorry," she says worriedly and I shake my head as if telling her that it's okay.

She sits on the side of the bed and looks at me carefully. I hear the door closing and I figure Wonwoo must have left us alone. Yuri's eyes looked puffy, her lips redder than usual. She was wearing the same clothes as the ones I saw her wearing when we headed out. I guess I haven't been unconscious for that long.

"I'm so sorry," she whispers, caressing my hair with her left hand.

"Stop saying that," I try to say, but my voice comes out as a raspy whisper.

Her other hand finds its way to mine and her thumbs starts drawing circles on my skin. She's not my sister for nothing.

"I neglected you and I didn't take time to talk to you lately, not realizing how difficult all of it might be for you... that's why I'm sorry," she says, still caressing my skin soothingly. "The reason why I never told you about Seventeen, the racing and all this stuff... is because I really thought you would hate it... I really thought you would judge me so hard and be disappointed in me... and I wanted... no, I needed you to be safe. I will never be able to guarantee this for you, now that you know about this world..."

"If you were that scared..." I speak "why didn't you leave, why did you let yourself... be caught up in all of this?"

She looks at me sympathetically. My sister is beautiful, I have always known that. And I'm not saying it just because she's my sister and I am naturally praising her. Because it's not just about her looks. I can't put my finger on what exactly makes her such a beautiful person, but I guess it has something to do with the reason why I couldn't bring myself to be mad on her. She fights for her beliefs even if everybody around her is disapproving. If she hadn't done so, she would have never come to the US in the first place.

But I think I knew, ever since I came here, that she was different. She was brighter, funnier, a bit louder... her existence was more intense. At that time I thought it was some kind of American effect. But no, it wasn't that. I know that now.

"Love has no limits," she sighs "does it?"

As soon as he found out about my anxiety attack, probably from Joshua, Seungkwan came over. To be honest, I wasn't expecting anyone to visit me, because I could feel the tension in the air... nothing was calm anymore, not after the race. I didn't expect anyone to take their time in order to come over. I didn't expect anyone to take time to care.

So as soon as I saw Seungkwan standing in the doorstep of Joshua's kitchen, a smile spread on my lips.

"Poor little thing," he beams "do you really have to eat Joshua's porridge? Disgusting-"

"My sister made it, it's good, actually," I say while he steps closer to the table I was eating at.

"That's a relief, his porridge is just... ugh," he says, visibly shivering.

I smile. He sits across from me, watching me carefully as if I was made of glass and I could break if I moved.

"What happened?" He asks.

I shrug.

"An anxiety attack, thought you already knew," I say, sipping on my soup.

He shakes his head calmly.

"I'm not talking about that, I'm talking about what caused it."

I look at him carefully. There was no humor on his face, not even curiosity. As if he knew, but he just wanted to make sure.

"You look like you already know," I say, slightly confused at this new expression I was seeing on Seungkwan's face.

He smiles lightly.

"I don't, I'm just trying not to make you feel uncomfortable," he says and I narrow my eyes.

This was so unlike the person I thought he was. Maybe he was just playing the calm guy in order not to scare me too much. Well, this new face was scarring me even more.

"Uncertainty," I whisper. "And the inability to understand... anything."

I can feel tears polling in my eyes and I try to blink them away but to no avail. I look at the bowl of soup in front of me and I suddenly don't feel like eating anymore.

I am facing it now. I am afraid. I am constantly afraid, even though I have no idea what I should expect from this world. Maybe that's exactly why I am so afraid, that whatever will hit me, I won't be ready for it. I had to faint because of an anxiety attack out of the blue to realize how terrified I am.

Nobody ever tells me anything. People might try to make me understand, but without trying to understand me. There are so many people surrounding me, but I feel alone. And it makes me even more scared.

"H-Hey, don't cry..."

I raise my gaze to look at Seungkwan. I see him incredibly blurry and only then I realize I've been crying. I wipe my tears with my hands hastily and sniff. I could taste the salty tears in my mouth, making me feel somehow refreshed.

I cried. I barely ever cry.

"I'm sorry," I say getting up from the table in order to put the bowl of soup in the fridge for later.

"They don't like us," I hear Seungkwan saying as I open the door of the refrigerator.

They?

I put the bowl in the fridge hesitantly and turn around to look at the dark-brown haired boy sitting at the table in front of me. He was staring blankly, a trace of sadness clear on his face.

"Whom?" I ask and he closes his eyes, as if breaking out of a spell, a smile spreading on his lips.

"The other racers, the other gangs," he explains. "They don't really like Seventeen."

I frown and go to sit at the table across from him again.

"That's why we have to take care of ourselves a hundred times more than anybody you might see at one of those races," he continues. "It's not that you're not able to understand, Em... it's that they don't want you to."

I frown and he looks at me carefully as if he was scared of my reaction at his words.

"I'm so tired," I begin "of being held back from understanding something just for my sake-"

"Who said it's for your sake? Liv? Sure, it might be for your sake as well, but it's mostly for ours, can't you see?" Seungkwan smiles bitterly. "You're a weak point-"

"That you can't let anybody else know about," I finish, smiling ironically. "Yeah, I see, now excuse-me but I'm busy being a liability."

"Hey, I didn't mean it like that-..." he begins but I was already leaving the kitchen.

I go upstairs in my room and close the door shut. I fall on the bed as hot tears start streaming down my face, low whimpers and sobs escaping my lips. I didn't like the state I was in, but I just couldn't help myself. I cried and cried, as if making up for all those years when I didn't even shed a tear. I cried until I feel asleep, drained of energy. Even by closing my eyes like this, I felt as if I was cowardly running away from the reality.

So maybe they're right. I don't deserve to be anything but a liability.

I knew I should have eaten more the other day.

It was four in the morning and my stomach was grumbling in pain, making me wake up. Yuri was sleeping beside me peacefully. The house was drowned in silence, which wasn't surprising. I was the only one awake and that, somehow, felt relaxing.

I get out of the bed silently and leave the room, walking as noiselessly as possible. I go down the stairs carefully not to stumble because I didn't want to turn on the lights and I had to struggle a lot in order to see what was ahead of me.

I stop in my tracks as soon as I get downstairs, frowning at the sound of some low voices coming from somewhere close-by. I look at the entrance of the living room and step closer, careful not to make any sound.

"...of letting Chan do whatever he likes," I hear somebody saying and I frown.

How comes there is someone awake at this hour? How comes there is always someone awake?

The voice sounded familiar, but there was some sort of emotion in it that I couldn't quite figure out.

"I know, but that wasn't a wise thing to do," I hear a second person talking and I can tell who that is almost instantly, a warm wave of relief washing over me.

Jeonghan.

"Do you want the investment that much?" He asks and I hear a huff, probably coming from the other person.

"You know I would have raced a lot more often if I had wanted it," the first person talks and it clicks to me who they are.

THE 8.

Somebody sighs.

I step closer to the entrance, leaning against the wall and holding my breath. It was rude to eavesdrop, but I was scared to just pass by and go to the kitchen, since they would probably see me.

"I just want-..." THE 8 breaks off and sighs. "Nevermind, we just have to finish this."

What's going on?

There is silence for a few moments, making me realize I was barely breathing, my heart beating so fast I was surprised they couldn't hear it.

"You haven't been wise either lately," I hear a third person speaking, startling me, since for some reason I was expecting only Jeonghan and THE 8 to be in the living room.

But Joshua is naturally silent in this kind of situations, no wonder he hasn't said a word until now.

"And you know what I'm talking about," he continues and I could sense some sort of scolding in his voice.

It somehow reminded me of that day when he told Seungkwan that he was being rude for not introducing himself to me, except now, there was no playful undertone. It was rather madness, coldness.

But with a calm surface. Because Joshua is always calm.

"Some things you can't control," Jeonghan says and for the first time, I hear him hesitating.

"Then take better care," Joshua says sharply and I flinch. "If you keep playing prince charming, somebody will get hurt and you know that."

Somebody sighs again and I'm almost sure it's Jeonghan. What are they talking about?

I cross my arms over my stomach, feeling the hunger consuming me. I was dizzy and I wasn't sure why exactly, but I knew I hated it. People were even more worried about me and when you're worried about someone, you keep them away from anything that might hurt them.

But Seungkwan told me it's not for my sake. It's for theirs. They're not worried I might get hurt, they're worried they might.

"I'm not playing," Jeonghan murmurs and I can almost feel the tension rising in the room.

Even though I couldn't see them, I knew they were all tensed and serious. That was probably why I felt so anxious, trying my best not to give away that I was here as well.

"Then stay away," Joshua says.

For once, I had an idea of what their words might have meant. But it couldn't be true. I couldn't let myself believe that I was right. I wasn't even meant to hear any of this.

Exactly, I think to myself.

I shake my head lightly and step back noiselessly, going upstairs and entering my room, just then letting out a heavy breath that I didn't even realize I had been holding.

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walkerduchess · 5 years

Text

A Game of Hearts - Chapter Ten: Split (The Royal Romance AU)

Pairing: Drake x MC [Liam x MC]

Notes: Again I took too long whith this chapter, sorry. The next should be out faster since I’m off from work for the next 10 days. No flashbacks in this one because SO MUCH HAPPENS. I hope you like it, and if you read, please tell me what you think!

I do not own these characters, they belong to Pixelberry.

Summary: Princess Sapphire’s secrets still hangs between her and Drake, while tensions are rising in the kingdom she’s left.

Word Count: 4579

Tagging: I’m tagging everyone who asked me to. If you want in or out the list just let me know! @confessionsofabrokegirl, @museofbooks, @stopforamoment, @annekebbphotography, @queenodysseia , @drakewalkerisreal

Chapter Ten: Split

His eyes search hers, his lips slightly parted, awaiting for her to say something.

It is a foreign feeling, at least for the princess, to look into someone’s eyes and finding oneself recognized in them. It’s a sentiment similar to that she had upon meeting Hana again, after all those years. It’s alluring and overwhelming at the same time. Her breathing is uneven, and she gives him a small, careful nod.

“How?” He breathes out, “why-- what are you doing here?” His rushed words register the turmoil inside his brain, where a multitude of questions scream at the same time.

She opens her mouth but she doesn’t know what to say.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have dropped all of these questions on you.” Drake says, uncharacteristically soft. “It’s just…” he seems to search for the right words, “you were gone.” His voice doesn’t sound accusing, but rather pained.

Elia doesn’t have to ask to know what he means. She used to see him every morning at sword class and then her father decided she didn’t need further lessons. Without even a chance to say goodbye, she simply never went back.

“I know,” when she finally speaks, her voice is weak, “I was forced to--”

“I asked Max about you,” he blurts out before she can end her sentence, “he… he never gave me direct answers and kept changing the subject, so one day I... stopped asking.” His gaze shifted from her to the ground in front of him.

“I’m sorry, it’s just,” the woman begins, but she knows she cannot give him the truth. She tries to dismiss the thought, a futile attempt in waving away the irrefutable conclusion - a decision, made deep in her conscience, to disclose to this man only the part of her that is easy to accept, the part of her he used to like once, that doesn’t involve any title with a bigger meaning such as Promised Princess or Builder, instead is simple as… Elia. Her face falls and her features turn somber as she speaks words that, despite being true, don’t really give anything away, “some very complicated family things.”

“I gathered it was something like that,” he looks up at her, eyes sympathetic yet clearly waiting for further explanation.

She can only look away, biting her lower lip. It’s not that she doesn’t want to trust him, she simply can’t. Instead, she chooses to change the focus, just a little bit. “I asked about you, too,” she speaks truthfully. At the beginning, every time she’d see Liam, the princess would ask about Drake. Of course she asked as if it was nothing, for she had way too much pride in her pre-teen years - not that it has ever gone away - to admit how much she cared. And she cared a lot. As the years went by, time took him away from her mind for days, then turned it into weeks and even months and years in a row. But she never truly forgot him. And, she realizes now, she also never really stopped caring.

He gives her a small smile, that don’t reach his eyes. She responds with a similar one. They gaze at each other for a while, only the crackling sounds of the fire breaking the silence between them. It’s comfortable, however Elia starts to fear he may ask more questions if they stay there longer, or worse, she fears she might spill it all out just from staring into the abyss held within his dark eyes.

“I better go to sleep,” she gestures at the tent behind them, her voice breaking the moment, “you can wake me or Jonah when you’re tired.”

Drake watches her make her way into her tent and mutters a quiet “good night.”

The Council room is large, yet right now it’s almost claustrophobic, with the voices inside higher than usual, most of them resonating at the same time. Liam closes his eyes and rubs his temples, his elbows resting on the big wooden table. He is exhausted. Even in the few nights he was able to get a good sleep, he’d still wake up feeling drained.

The prince spent the past month in a lethargic state. For the first time in his life, his future isn’t laid out in front of him. He doesn’t know what to do really. He repeats to himself, day after day, that he needs to stay strong for his people. That he can do. He chooses to focus on that, instead of thinking Sophie is gone, and now Drake, too. He couldn’t even tell his best friend he didn’t need to go searching for someone who doesn’t want to be found - again, Liam remembers with a pang of guilt - because Sophie asked him not to tell anyone.

Council meetings have been held daily since Sophie left, to no avail. The Promised Princess was still missing, the war was still happening and everyone in the kingdom seemed to be distressed. The holders clearly don’t know what to do, only repeating the same questions, concerns, search parties’ updates and any other futile idea to solve the situation. At the beginning, Liam felt bad. He knew the princess wasn’t kidnapped but he had to respect her wishes. He can’t say he hasn’t entertained the idea of telling the truth, many times. But something in his heart keeps telling him Sophie must have a very good reason for not wanting people to know she left willingly. She must have a marvelous reason for leaving. Liam is afraid to let himself think otherwise.

“Prince William?” The voice makes him open his eyes to find Lord Hakim glaring at him through his glasses.

“Yes?” He forces a casual tone, straightening up in his chair.

“I just said,” the man’s large shoulders tense and he exhales before continuing, “there is word of a traitor in the South’s army. Other than the Builder, that is.”

“The Builder is likely out of the picture,” Lady Olivia speaks up, “it’s been about a year since their army last showed new weaponry.”

“That does not mean--” Lord Bertrand tries to cut in but Liv is not having any of it.

“Besides,” the red haired woman speaks the word louder, shooting daggers at Bertrand with her eyes, “the odds shifted in our favour again. I say it’s time to attack with full force. I could send resources--”

“Thank you for your assessment, Lady Olivia.” King Brandon stops her war talk, to which she frowns but shortly lets go. “But we are, in no way, attacking our enemy while they have Princess Sapphire.”

The king’s words are cold, but there’s a hint of new moisture in his eyes that doesn’t get past Liam. King Brandon was never the same after Queen Aurora died, everybody knows that. He became somewhat smaller and grimmer. Now, after Sophie left, he only leaves his chambers to go to Council meetings. And even then, it’s as if he’s lost his strength.

“Please, Lord Hakim,” the prince decides to get to the point, at last, “tell us what you know about this traitor.”

Lord Hakim clears his throat then, “My spies reported they heard some talk from the South’s soldiers. They call their commander ‘The Cordonian’ and also mentioned that he is ‘no stranger to castle life’.”

“That could be anyone,” Olivia speaks again, “a guard, a servant…”

“Or a holder,” Hakim adds cautiously.

“What are you implying, Lord Hakim?” King Brandon asks in what seems an unpretentious manner, yet his full attention is turned to the man.

Hakim brings one of his hands to adjust the glasses in his face, “I am just saying,” he speaks hesitantly, “we should take into consideration that Prince Leonard has been gone for eight years, and we are all familiar with his rebellious attitude--”

“Not this again!” Former king Constantine exhales, letting his annoyance show. “We have absolutely no evidence of Prince Leonard’s whereabouts, and therefore no reason to make these assumptions.” The tinge of worry in his voice probably goes unnoticed by every other person in the room, but not to Liam. He knows his father all too well and he knows that, despite all the criticism and dismissiveness when it comes to his eldest son, Constantine loves and misses Leo. Entertaining the idea that Leo could betray his kingdom is painless compared to an infinitely more terrifying one - the idea that Leo could betray his own family. Liam can’t believe this either. He won’t.

“Well,” Lord Landon is the one to speak this time, “Prince Leonard has had exceptional war training his whole life, so it would not be a stretch to say he could become the command--”

“No.” Liam’s voice comes out strong and even, and before he can realize it. The prince is often quiet during the council’s meetings, especially lately, so all eyes turn to him after he speaks. After a brief moment, he sighs, standing up. “My brother has always been… impulsive. But he is a good man. I will not have we defining him a traitor,” his voice is commanding, in that tone the prince knows very well how to but almost never uses. The holders will acquiesce to whatever he says, yet they will be very much aware of how biased he is, so he adds, “not without clear evidence.” He sits down again, closing the matter.

Elia wakes with a light tap on her shoulder. The sky is already lightning up and Jonah is mumbling something to her about going to sleep before he disappears to his tent.

The young woman sits up and stretches, quietly so not to wake the girl sleeping next to her. They’ve been putting up three improvised tents every evening now: one for her and Nora, one for Jonah and Elliot and one for Drake. The sheets she brought aren’t big, so they don’t have much space in the tents, but since Elliot and Nora are small, they can share with someone else without preventing a good sleep.

Stepping outside, Elia proceeds to inspect the leftovers of their meal from the past evening - boiled potatoes and chicken - to see if they can still have it for breakfast. They’re cold, so she manages to light up some branches that have fallen out of the fire the night before to heat the food.

She sits while she waits, humming some made-up melody to herself in an attempt to push Drake-thoughts out of her brain. She focuses on the bright side of things: the Device is finished - thankfully she did it before Drake arrived, with the help of the children -, they have no shortage of food and water, and they’re advancing South.

As if she can’t get the man out of her mind for five minutes, Drake emerges out of his tent and promptly joins her. “Good morning,” he declares, voice hoarse from sleep.

Before her mind can make sense of it, she catches herself smiling at him.

“So you can finally light a fire,” he gives her a side look, the ends of his mouth perking up, “if I keep successfully teaching you things, soon enough I’m going to be sparring you in the field instead of Jonah.”

Elia smiles, joining his tone, “yeah, and I might even beat you.”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself, now.”

“Hey!” She gives him a light punch in the shoulder, “I did beat you.”

“Once. Over a decade ago. It doesn’t count,” his voice sounds different somehow, lighter. His smile isn’t big, yet it’s contagious nonetheless, and she can’t help but smile too.

Soon enough her smile changes into a wistful one. He remembers too. She hugs both her legs in front of her, resting her head in her knees, face turned to Drake. She wants to say how much she misses those simpler times, however she keeps the thought to herself.

Drake’s smile slowly fades and the princess sees one of his hands twitch slightly towards her, as if he is struggling with himself whether to touch her or not. “Why did you leave?” He finally asks, voice a little lower than before.

His eyebrows are knitted together and his face looks somewhat troubled, in a way that makes it almost physically painful to deny him the answer. But she won’t tell him, so she shifts her head, positioning her forehead in her knees so that she doesn’t have to look at him.

Elia swallows, searching her mind for the right words, but there are none.

“You don’t have to tell me what happened but,” he speaks again and she feels his hand settling on top of hers, between them, “I’m here.”

The princess brings her head up to stare at him again, “I want to, I just…” And it’s true, and she has to make a huge effort to remember why, for his touch on her skin has fogged her mind. “I can’t now.”

His gaze is almost pained, as if it hurt him to leave her alone with her burdens. She holds it, however, in a way of asserting how certain and strong she is, despite how much his eyes burn through hers right into her soul. He takes a moment before speaking again, nodding shortly, “alright.”

Lord Bertrand massages each one of his temples with two fingers with his eyes closed, trying to make his headache go away. When the car stops, he barely acknowledges the “good evening” his driver wishes him, jumping out of the car in a hurry to finally have a good bath and then sleep. He didn’t really need a car, for Thorngate Castle is hardly ten minutes by foot away from Ramsford Castle, but Bertrand isn’t one to walk as if he were a youngster.

Climbing up the stairs, he wills his mind to stop worrying with problems he cannot solve - at least for today - and, especially, wondering what consequences will come upon them all if Sapphire isn’t found soon. It’s been long years since he held a close relationship with his cousin, yet he can’t help but worry about her wellbeing. Of course, Bertrand will not show this weakness, instead he can very well put on the façade that his concern is only for the fate of his kingdom. Besides, his brother is mournful enough for both of them.

Upon remembering his brother, the older man makes his way to Max’s chambers, meaning to check how the tasks he left for him in the morning went. Bertrand usually sticks to his manners, but he doesn’t have enough patience for it tonight, and definitely not with Max. Therefore, he simply barges in through his brother’s doors, in time to see him standing by an open bag, already filled with clothes and some other belongings.

Bertrand’s expression turns confused, “where are you going?”

The younger man turns to him, a bitter look in his eyes, not unlike the one he has ever since his parents died, but this one just looks… defeated. “Away,” he snarls.

“What does that even mean, Maxwell?” Bertrand runs a hand through his face, “It’s certainly too late and it’s been a hard day, so if you could not pull one of your pranks--”

“I’m not a child!” Max interrupts, almost yelling.

It leaves Bertrand brother gaping, thinking for sure something must have snapped inside his younger brother, for he has never in his life spoken with such rage and firmness.

“And you needn’t worry,” Max continues, in a calmer tone, even though his face remains in a scowl, as he turns his attention back to the bag on the floor and begins tying it closed, “I won’t be bothering you or smearing our family’s reputation.”

Bertrand just stands there, pathetically so, while his brother puts the bag in his shoulders, brushes past him in the door and proceeds down the stairs.

The front door shutting startles him, bringing him out of his stupor, and before he knows he is running - the Lord Bertrand running, and he is glad there’s no one but a servant to see it - down the stairs and out the front doors.

“Wait!” He calls when he sees Max struggling to place his bag inside a car outside, aided by the driver, his voice above the appropriate volume, “Maxwell! Wait!”

He stops in a halt beside the car, breathing hard and placing a hand in his chest in an attempt to dull the ache in his lungs.

Max turns to him, “yes?” He’s got the same cold, bitter tone from before.

“Are you leaving? Where to? Why?”

The younger man’s expression softens a little. “Sorry, brother. I made up my mind. There’s nothing for me here.”

Bertrand still doesn’t understand. “Is this about Sophie?”

Max sighs, shaking his head. “You don’t get it. It’s not just Sophie, it’s mum and dad, it’s Leo, Sav, and even Drake now. They’re all gone!

“You have me!” Bertrand yells, not knowing where this came from. But, as he finishes saying it he realizes… it’s true. He does want Max to be with him.

“You have your duties and your council. I won’t drag you backwards anymore.” With a last, somewhat sorrowful glance, the younger brother gets in the car and shuts the door.

It feels like being slapped in the face. Before he can even say anything, the car starts to pull away. “Max!” He screams after the car, pitifully hoping it would turn back around. “Max!”

A week has passed, and Drake’s been nothing but understanding. Elia would never have guessed, in a million lifetimes, that the suspicious and stubborn boy she used to be friends with would give her space instead of pressing her to tell him everything. She doesn’t think he would act this way before he knew she is Elia. The notion of it brings a painful twinge to her heart. Drake is actively choosing to trust her, and yet she won’t do the same for him.

Which is not to say their relationship hasn’t changed. They exchange smiles often, talk more - sometimes even about people they both used to know - and of course, tease each other all the time. It's one of the times like these - when they’ve just eaten and are getting ready to resume travel, talking casually - when he asks, “have you been wandering for long?”

It catches the princess by surprise, because in this moment, in the softness of early morning, she’s let her guard down. A heavy weight settles in her gut again, yet she can’t tell if it’s from guilt or another, more primal feeling that climbs up her throat and threatens to spill from her mouth - betrayal. It causes her eyes to go wide, looking into his for ulterior motives, any hidden wickedness to show how he’s been out to get her this whole time, but the only thing she can find there is care.

He must have noticed her starting to retreat back into herself, for with one step he is close, so close to her and his hand finds hers. “Elia…” His eyes search hers, in a desperate and silent plead. “I don’t know what happened,” he uses his other hand to brush a strand of light-brown hair behind her ear and cups the exposed skin of her cheek, “but you can tell me.”

Her mind screams at her to flee, to not give in to the warm feeling spreading from where his hands touch her. For a second, she listens to it, pressing her free hand to his chest in order to push him away, but, before she can realize it, something switches inside of her and she uses no force, instead just rests her hand above his heart.

Standing close, like this, she has to bend her head up to look at him, his gaze soft and bare just inches away. Elia notes the distinctive movement of him reaching down, incredibly slowly, and she doesn’t really have to think to know what happens next. His lips are inviting, so is all of him, yet in a flash of better judgement she holds back.

“You’re right,” it comes out in a whisper since their faces are less than a breath apart.

Drake knits his eyebrows and she takes it as an opportunity to leave his embrace. Elia takes a deep breath before continuing, “I have to show you something.”

She can’t be sure whether she’s completely out of her mind or simply making a bold move. A leap of faith, like people from before would say. She has to tell Drake or she’ll go insane, she tells herself to soothe her nerves while she fetches the Device from the inside of her bag. The children watch, apprehensive and without saying a word. Maybe she is, indeed, crazy.

When she places the heavy yet compact mechanism, carefully, in the ground, Drake stares at it for a while, looking as concerned as the kids, before finally asking, “what is this?” His eyes are not soft like moments ago, they are straight back to being the cold suspicious ones he had when they first met at the abandoned building.

Elia swallows, summoning up all the courage within her. “This is a device meant for cleaning the poisoned water in Cordonia,” she explains, voice deadpan.

Drake’s expression turns even more perturbed, “and what are you doing with it?” He looks a little scared of the thing, and Elia does not miss his hand going to the hilt of his sword.

“I…” she says carefully, “I built it.” She emphasizes the word on purpose, so he can truly understand. She may be a coward for not speaking the plain truth already, but she holds his gaze throughout the seconds it took him to grasp what she just said.

“You…” he mumbles, and Elia recognizes bewilderment turning briefly into hurt before his expression hardens again. Without saying a word, he unsheathes his sword, causing her to panic a little.

“Drake, this is not a weapon,” the princess holds her hands in front of her, trying to make him listen.

He stares at her then, and there’s a fire in his eyes she has never seen before, so intense that Elia thinks he may rip her head off her body just by looking at her.

“Are you the Builder?” He asks, voice stern but somewhat composed.

“Drake--”

“Answer me!” He almost shouts, and the princess doesn’t miss the littlest of trembles in the man’s hand while holding the sword.

She gathers up her courage. It’s not as if she has much of a choice now, “I was," she chose her words carefully.

“Give me one good reason for me not to end your life right now.” His voice is almost bitter, sword pointed at her.

Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Jonah stepping ahead, hand reaching for the hilt of his own sword.

“Jonah, stay back,” she orders. He opens his mouth to protest, but she doesn’t let him speak, “stay with Nora and Elliot. They need you.”

The boy reluctantly steps back then.

The princess has to take some quick breaths to keep her calm, but she is determined to get to the bottom of this. She started it, right? She’s imagined this scenario in her head, multiple times now, and Drake reacting like this is perfectly predictable. Only the hard part begins now.

“My name. My whole name,” she searches his eyes to make sure he is listening, “is Sapphire Aurelia.”

Realization downs upon him when he recognizes the name. He chuckles is disbelief. “Right… you’re the Promised Princess,” he speaks in a sarcastic tone.

“It’s true!”

The fire in his eyes seem to fade a little, giving way to something else… disappointment. “I trusted you, Elia. I let myself be vulnerable around you and--” he stops himself, shaking his head, “I never should have.” And just like that, the fire is back, and he steps a little closer, flawlessly sharpened blade reflecting the sunlight in a threatening gleam.

Although, Elia is not afraid, at least not of being killed. “I’m telling the truth and I’m going to prove it to you.”

He could call her bluff… but Elia sees the hesitation in his eyes even before he speaks, “how?”

Well, there is the problem of the lack of physical proof, so she proposes the only thing she can, “ask me anything! Something only Princess Sapphire would know.”

He chuckles again, shaking his head. “This means nothing.”

Elia did not foresee a moment such as this would become her newest mini-existential crisis. What makes her the Promised Princess? What makes her who she is? The prophecy may say it’s her blood, and her time of birth, and such things, but she lived in hiding for so long it would not surprise her if she came home and there was an impostor in her place. No one would know, she’s certain. So no, this is not it. What makes her the one and only Sapphire Aurelia, the Promised Princess of the Last Prophecy, true and irreplaceable if not for what she knows and what she has lived? No one can take that from her. “This means everything.”

He seems to read the certainty in her expression, because it doesn’t take long for him to decide. “Fine.” He takes a breath and straightens himself, lowering his sword a little.

She knows it’s a small victory, and her lips threaten to pull back in a small smile, yet she holds it back, not wanting to push her luck with Drake.

“Where could Liam always find you?”

It takes her by surprise, for she wasn’t expecting the interrogation to start right away. It’s an easy one, at least, “the library.”

“What game did you love playing so much you inserted you and your friends in it?” Despite Drake’s impassive tone, Elia can’t hold back her smile now. She can’t help it, she’s too fond of the memory and Drake’s wording is amusing.

“Chess.”

“What piece were you?”

“The knight.”

“And Liam?”

“The rook.” She’s impressed. Drake doesn’t even flinch nor takes time thinking of the next question. Elia wonders if he ever really interrogated someone. He must have. And he knows so many details. In her mind, she tries to picture Liam telling Drake about his day and it baffles her how much Drake kept in his mind, even what must surely be boring details for an outsider. “Did Liam tell you all of this?”

“I’m asking the questions.”He did not seem amused by her distraction. “When did you find out about the undercroft?”

She couldn’t possibly forget that day. “Right after mine and Liam’s engagement party.”

He nodded his head, as if he’s at the brink of reaching a verdict.“When did you and Liam first have sex?”

Ah, a trick question. Or - no, Liam wouldn’t have lied to his best friend, would he? “We didn’t.”

Drake purses his lips and Elia can almost burst from the anticipation of not knowing what’s in his mind.

After a moment, he nods to himself, “very well, Princess.”

Elia’s brows shoot up at his words, half of her optimistic about him believing in her, and the other half apprehensive because his threatening posture still hasn’t changed.

She should have seen it coming, she really did, but for some reason, Drake’s next words catch her flabbergasted, as he brings his sword up again and towards her, “gather your things, you’re coming back with me.”

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alitheamateur · 5 years

Text

The Grind-Chapter 19

The newby fighters thankfully handled media horrendously, answering questions in choppy six or seven word responses. Sure, it limited the material and made the story vulnerable to the writers embellishing devices, but the speedy conclusion of the often clock-stopping, boring event was never one complained about amongst the journalistic world.

When I stepped outside in pursuit of the strangely near empty bar, I pulled the sleeves of my blazer off and draped it over my forearm, sliding my clutch between my bicep and ribcage. The crisp, white silk of the tank top swayed with the calm, cool breeze of the nighttime air, mixing with my nervously sweating skin, creating an array of chill bumps over my flesh. An exiting patron held the door open as I swept inside the dimly lit sports bar. There weren’t many tables, only 3 tv’s, and no blasting music. Hence the lack of customers, I’m sure. Colton was easy to spot, hunching at a high-top near the glass front of the building. He hadn’t ordered a drink yet, once again, trying desperately to execute that military like, gentlemanly manner his father Michael, had instilled in him, presumably. I dropped the weight of my tired body in the un-cushioned wooden seat, and huffed aloud in the relief. “That didn’t take too long,” he stated first.

“Those two were complete media virgins. They didn’t have much to say.” I confirmed as I massaged in the sanitizer I applied to my palms, and scanned over the sparse clients.

“Want me to grab you a drink or somethin’? I didn’t know if you were still a martini girl, so I held off.” Had his accent become thicker with his hair?

“Actually, I’ll just take a seltzer. Lime on the side too, please.” Tia would probably be able to sniff out the scent of alcohol in my sweat like a hungry hound dog, and have my tail for drinking while training.

She had graciously granted me a pass on my birthday, so I didn’t see it wise to push my luck any further. Come to think of it though, when in the actual hell had I become the girl to drink seltzer water and lime?

My ex now turned waiter for the moment returned with a small square tumbler filled with fizzy, clear liquid, and a long neck in his other hand. His black shirt painted over the ripples of his back, the muscles there moved like thickened water down the spread of him. I’d love to be a fly on the wall when he shops for himself. I can only imagine his decision-making unraveling something like, “yeah, black t-shirt. I can always use another black t-shirt.”

“Thank you,” I said between lengthy sips. “And thanks too for, um… the flowers. They were stunning. You really didn’t have to, but it was a sweet gesture, Colton.”

“So I did okay, huh? They’re your favorite?” He hoped with questioning eyes, taking a quick pull of his sweating beer.

“Yes, Colt. They’re my favorite. You did well. Extremely well.”

“I owe you another 50 dozen more, Liv….”

Here is comes. The conversation was about to take a dicey dive into the abyss.

“It’s not flowers I need, Colton. I think you know a million dollars’ worth of pretty bouquets won’t fix, this.” I drew an invisible line through the space from me, to him, “It’s not gonna fix us. Or, whatever us there was, I guess.”

He sat his half empty beverage on the scuffed table tap, and I noticed the glass chatter against the surface. He was shaking. This wasn’t the angry, poked bear shaking though. This was the abused, cowering, wounded bird shaking.

“Yeah, Liv. I get that, okay? I just didn’t know where to fuckin’ start, ya’ know? I didn’t wanna get too pushy..” he began, while drawing nervous figure-eights with his callused finger tips along the cracks in the table top. “But, I gotta know. I ain’t tryna put you on the spot or nothin’, but is there any fixing it, babe? I have no right to asking you this shit, I realize that. But, just give me somethin’ here, Liv. Should I just write us off?”

The million dollar question. How was I supposed to give him the answer his desperate eyes so anxiously desired, when I didn’t have it myself? I loved Colton Ritter, no matter how blindly I wanted the fact to be untrue, there was no refuting it. But, I couldn’t shake the reluctancy I felt towards him either. That apprehensive, yet yearning brew filling up my gut. The next words I spoke to him would be the defining moment of what my future held, so I hesitated. Taking as long as I needed to sort through the perfect retort.

“You act like that’s such a simple question to answer, Colt. You have no idea what you did to me for Christ sakes,” my fist gently, but effectively smacked the table, clinking the glass beverages there. I refrained from chewing his hide in nagging anger, but I wasn’t about to hold back on what I truly needed to say. “I was a literal basket case. As damn foolish and weak as that may sound, it’s a fact. I missed work, I made myself sick from the unrelenting crying. Like, seriously, there was actual vomit, Colton. I wore your fuckin clothes around the apartment like a lost mutt!” I could see him tense entirely, almost wincing aloud in shame and heartache. And I half wondered if maybe he’d done some of his own shameful grieving during our time apart. “Every day for nearly a year felt like one big, constant punch to my gut, making it almost hard to even catch a decent breath. I’ve been better for a while now, but every single day, your stupid, smug face finds its way into my head….” I allowed myself a pause to try and extinguish the burning tears I knew were about to come loose, but there was no use. Once the first fell, I just opened the watery dam. “If I’m being honest, part of my really just hates you. A big chunk of me, as a matter of fact. But I know the love is still there, as much as the hate. Probably more,” snubbing through my tearful fit. “I don’t think I’m ready right this minute, Colton. For us, I mean. I think I might be at some point, but who’s to say… I can’t name the day and time. So, if that isn’t enough for you, and you feel like I’m a waste of your time, then yes, you should just move on.”

Th brawniest, hard as stone man I’d ever known, raised a hand to wipe dry his weepy eyes. It wasn’t a hysterical, sobbing outburst, and an actual tear may not have fallen free, but they were there. The glazy sheen over his blue toned eyes tonight gave him away. He blew out the breath he’d apparently been holding in before his mustered the composure to speak back.

“I’m on your time, Livvy, alright? I’ll just stay outta your way, and if ya’ want me, you know I’m here. I fucked up. Royally, to say the least. There is so much I wanna say, and I hope you gimme the chance to piece it all together for you someday in the near future. I’m sorry seems to be the most important thing right now. And I’m gonna say it every day I have the chance. I’ll hang back as best I can, okay? And if someone else so happens to come along, for either of us, then I guess that’s that, huh?” He reached forth his hand to graze as gently as a summer breeze over my resting fingers, a current of G-force energy rattled through my every internal organ. I didn’t jerk away from his touch this time, instead allowing myself the loving awakening I had longed for the past days without him. He’d be the death of me, whether it be in happiness or misery, I wasn’t sure.

“I think that sounds like the best way to handle it, Ritter. I can work with that,” I sheepishly smiled, curling an auburn strand behind my ear. “Now, I better get home and get some sleep.” Picking my clutch up first, then swallowing the last mouthful of my drink, I stretched my petite legs searching for the ground below me. Before I could drop on my heels, he had swiftly came to my side, offering his hand out to steady my drop from the heighted stool. The man was so full of these sickeningly, syrupy sweet courtly gestures, and I might as well have been licking the plate.

“Let me walk you to the car this time. Please?” he almost begged holding my jacket open for me to slide my arms in.

“How about I walk you to your bike, and we’ll call it a night.” It wasn’t a question. I wanted to seem as independent as I could to him, while also establishing again that I’d be okay without him if things didn’t pan out with our relationship.

I went out on a wobbly whim and locked my arm through the empty crease in his elbow, while his hand was snuggled deep into his jean pockets, and out of a side eyed glance, and detected a half smile on his lips. “My bike is right here on the corner. Is you car close?”

“Close enough. Don’t you worry about me, kid,” I winked before breaking my clutch on his arm as we reached his black bike parked by a ticking meter.

“Hey listen, Liv. I’m thinking about sticking with Temple Fitness. Y’know like, staring up a membership to train there and stuff. But if you’re not good with it, then I’m out.” He remarked strapping his helmet around his bearded, calico chin.

“I think I can handle it, Colton. Just stay outta my way, big guy..” it was clear by the playfulness of my high pitched, girl giggly that I was testing the waters with some flirty banter. The saluted “yes, boss” he tossed back told me he was aware of my joking tone. When I took a couple slow paces in exit, bidding him a goodnight, he met my steps, and leaned in for a hopeful kiss to my pert cheek. \

“Not yet, Colt. Not yet, okay?” The dangerously close presence of his lips to me could’ve shot me a million feet in the air above us. But, I had to keep the line drawn, for now anyways. He wasn’t out to the woods yet.

When I gave him my back in search of my own car down the sidewalk, he yelled my name, muffled through the visor of his helmet.

“Hey 2-1!” I turned slightly, never ceasing my footsteps, careful not to lose my balance while walking backwards in my strappy shoes. “You look better than ever, babe. And I’ll happily take my punishment for sayin’ it.” He took his bottom lip between his teeth, and I curled my lips up with brows raised in disbelief, yet satisfying pleasure, winking with no words, and went on my merry way. I heard his bike fire up with an almost lion like roar, and he sped off in the opposite direction. Revving his accelerator, no doubt in teenage like, hormonal ego.

The next morning, all too bright, and much too early I entered the office hanging my sleepy head, still reeling from the unexpected turn of events the previous evening. Through groggy rasps, I served my morning hellos to passing co-workers, determined to reach the noiseless four walls of my office and downing the contents of my Styrofoam cup. If I timed it just right, I thought maybe I could even sneak a 30-minute powernap sometime around the 10 o’clock hour. When I crossed the concierge desk, Layla, the awkward, mousy receptionist waved a hand to halt me.

“This package came to you this morning, Ms. Elliott.” The box rectangular box, wrapped in wrinkled brown paper had apparently been delivered early morning to the office.

I thanked Layla the messenger, and stepped over the threshold of the empty elevator. The package was unmarked, only adding to the quizzical allure, but I held my eager hands from slashing through the wrapping until I got into my private office. I blindly flipped on the single light switch, my purse thudding onto the neatly organized desktop calendar. I ripped the first corner of the box opened before I was even sat into the swivel seat, when a small folded sheet of paper fell into the floor.

Livvy,

Thought you may need this. The other one seemed little ratty. I think I cut it just how you like them. There’s plenty more where this came from.

Love,

Colt

I dropped the lid of the package, peeling back a translucent layer of tissue paper to find a white, slightly dingy colored Pittsburgh Pirates t-shirt. One I very much recognized as belonging to the gift giver himself. A weak smile had instantaneously crept across my face as I ran a thumb over the fading of the smooth polyester blend. I pondered, and settled on a decision in that second, that I was going to unapologetically relish the games he’d be willingly to play to win back my affection. I wasn’t wholeheartedly dreadful though, and I knew sending him thanks for the thoughtful efforts was the right thing to do, so I sent him a text to extend some reserved gratitude. Giving him the impression I was appreciative, but wasn’t eating out of his veiny hands just yet.

Tia was distant as of recent. Cold as a sparkling Pittsburgh frost before dawn. The conversation we had about my exchanges with Colt weren’t half as pleasant, and supportive as my phone call with Sara. Tia hated the man, not saying I blamed her. No matter what he said, or didn’t say, the gifts he gave, or the groveling that arose, she wasn’t forgetting the past. Colton Ritter was blacklisted indefinitely in her book. So much so, I even had to gulp down concerns that fizzled for my own friendship with her.

Climbing the steel steps of the cage with her was never too terribly intimidating before that night. I always knew no matter how repetitive she’d be with her promising that she wouldn’t take it easy on me, I could always sense the restraint of her moves. Yet again, before that night… The trifling stomps of her bare feet across the mat would’ve signaled danger, if the haughty shove passed my shoulder hadn’t already. “Chew that rubber, Elliott,” she yelled unkindly, instructing me to hurry with my mouth piece so we could get the session underway.

She was bouncing upward, shoving her knees into her chest, stretching to shatter my thighs with one of her categorical back kicks. Willow was crouched in the floor beside the metal confines, arms crossed about her chest in curious observation, Tia’s harshness not unnoticed by her and the onlookers in the workout room. We danced the usual mirrored waltz across the octagon from each other, each waiting for someone to stretch forth searching for the first connecting jab. Before my mind had a single minute to strategize an assault, Tia lunged lowly to bearhug my legs right from beneath my own body, and my elbows nearly ricocheted off the canvas floor. The sweat of my attacker was already profusely flowing, more so from the rumbling anger, and probable resentment she was feeling for the likes of me. We wormed around on the patched ground, she grabbing a lock around my legs, me tugging on her extended forearm. Amongst our grunts, and gasps of pain, a very confused and scratchy voice sung out above all else.

“The fuck? Liv?”

My eyes beckoned toward Colton’s wide stance next to Willow, but Tia didn’t let up. The more I fidgeted for release, the tighter she wound her meager form around me. When the match between us didn’t halt, I heard his intrusions slice the room again.

“LIV!” But this time, it wasn’t a questioning tone. He was demanding acknowledgment, and more importantly an explanation.

My “friendly” opponent loosened her vice, and I lunged a swift, fumbly kick to shake her off. If my face wasn’t already reddened from the efforts of the spar, it sure would’ve been painted with a bright shade when I stood to see the concerned contortions of his always tempting mouth. With his hands raised in dumbfounding confusion awaiting his answer, I rushed towards the cage door to meet him in the corner he was heading to.

“THIS is what you’ve been doing here, Livvy? What the hell?” He was lazily scratching a hand through the brown of his beard.

“Not that it’s a single ounce of your business, Colt, but yes. Started a few months back, Tia suggested it.” My feet firm and solid under his disapproving stares.

“Oh, c’mon Liv. I don’t mean to sound like a bossy prick about it, ok? It’s your life, you can do what ya’ want with it. It just… I dunno.. scares me, I guess…” I turned to notice his restless hands, squirming in fists at his side, and his teeth visibly grinding behind closed chops. “I hate myself for hurting you. How did ya’ think I was gonna take to seeing someone smash a fist to those pretty cheeks, babe?”

My gloved fingers didn’t hesitate to seek out his own, stilling his concerns. I intertwined our digits, and I swear I felt the life creep back into me. His eyes closed under feathery lashes, and there was no denying the husky exhalation that purred from him at our connecting flesh.

“I’m not some.. some weak kitten, Colt. I know you think I’m just a lowly damsel who needs a constant eye watching over her, but, that’s not the case.”

Although maybe very “me: Tarzan, you: Jane” to the outsiders perspective, Colton was very… well, male. He considered his place as my partner to be one of the valiant knight, shielding me from any oncoming harm. My humble opinion? It was all part of his blue collar, endearing charm. But, he’d have to reel it in on the aspect of my fight training.

“It’s not that I think ya’ need it 24-hour surveillance, kid. As a matter of fact, I think it’s just a shot to my ego that you don’t need it, ya’ know. I just wanna protect ya’, alright? Damn it, you’re always makin’ me… makin’ me talk so much, 2-1.” He enfolded my small hand tighter under his grip.

“I appreciate that. My very own lethal prrotector, huh?” I winked and wet my bottom lip catching his eye. “Ask Tia though, I hold my own with these gloves, big shot. Be careful, or you may have to find out first hand.”

Cool it, hormones. You might as well just jump his bones right here.

The flirtation went crawling like a cold shutter obviously over his roasting skin, and his eyes were swirling through shades of blue. “I would happily take that beating, sweetheart!”

Walk away. Now. Go liv, you’re drooling.

“I gotta get back to her though, or I’m gonna pay the price. See ya’ around?” I was securing the gloves assuredly, ready to bid riddance to him before his animal senses detected my feminine excitement, and he held me back.

“I’ll be around, yeah. Oh, hey girl! Nice shirt, by the way..” I went for a drink of my room temperature sports drink and nearly gagged on it. No way he couldn’t notice I was sporting the package he’d delivered a few short hours ago.

TAGS: @torialeysha @eap1935 @mollybegger-blog @littleluna98

#Tom Hardy #tomhardy #tomhardyfanfic #tomhardyfanfiction #tom hardy fanfiction #tommy conlon #elizabeth olsen #thegrind

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brightonlewis · 5 years

Text

Milkshake Boy pt. IX

or the one where Lane deals with everything

" Olivia is pissed off and trying to find you," August explains.

" Oh god."

" I told you not to freak out," August chastises

To be honest it’s all a bit much for Lane, what’s happening because of her. What she and Harry had done wasn't right and now Olivia is being punished for it. These thoughts consume Lane, her eyebrows furrowing as her brain spirals into the abyss of self-loathing.

August looks at her amusedly instead of watching the episode of How to Get Away with Murder that’s playing on the TV.

" You alright there kid," August asks.

" Do you think I'm a bad person? Be honest," Lane demands seriously. August rolls his eyes adjusting his body to face her properly. Lane's eyes big and doe-like, tears misting in them from the immense panic swallowing her.

August squeezes her shoulder reassuringly while shaking his head."Course I don't. Granted I don't really know you,” he states causing Lanes lip to tremble.

“ But if you're asking this because of Liv it's not your fault, we all knew they weren't going to last," August admits.

Lane nods August confirmation of her character doing little to ease her. Lane doesn't know why she feels so horribly. Actually, that’s a lie, she knows why. She feels like shit, because she slept with someone else's boyfriend, and she doesn't regret it at all.

Lane thinks of herself as a generally good person. She’s a great student, never tardy to class, and during office hours she makes the conscious effort not to seem too needy. Lane’s a good friend and she tries to go to church when she can, she’s a mostly good human being. So how can she not regret a single kiss her and Harry shared?

August phone pings cutting off Viola Davis. The lanky boy glances at his screen maintaining a stoic unreadable position.

" Don't freak out,” he begins, his words having the opposite effect on Lane, “but you're going to have to spend the night here."

" What why" Lane frowns a clear edge in her voice. August sighs rubbing the back of his neck like he's revving himself up for what he has to tell Lane. The short pause causing Lane's mind to run rapid with terrible scenarios.

" Olivia is pissed off and trying to find you," August explains.

" Oh god."

" I told you not to freak out," August chastises, forcing Lane to glare at him.

" I am being whore hunted, I get to freak out," Lane shouts.

August rolls his eyes at her, ignoring how much Lane's hazel orbs increased in their mistiness. Lane tries to slow her rapid breathing as she processes the situation. She is stuck in a fraternity house for the rest of the night with some boy she'd met a few days ago hiding from the boy she'd slept with's girlfriend.

It sounded like the plot of a low budget film.

Lane can’t believe this is happening to her, can’t believe Olivia’s searching for her. Olivia is searching for the girl who slept with her nearly perfect boyfriend. The girl who took Harry away from her and Lane was that girl. Lane is the other women, the cowardice other women trying to avoid an ass-kicking by remaining cooped up in a fraternity house.

A harsh knock on the front door alerts both Lane and August. They lock eyes with each other as the knocking continues. August looks out his window and his face pales. He pops off the couch muttering to Lane to stay where she is. And it's not like she has much of a choice, Lane can't seem to move as August rush past her and down the stairs.

The sound of the front door opening triggers Lane, her body moving cautiously away from the bedroom door.

" I know she's here!" Olivia shouts from the hallway, her voice growing near at an alarming rate.

" You're batshit Liv," Lane hears August fire back. The sound of shuffling feet increases the sound of her pounding heart. Frantically Lane stuffs herself into August closet maneuvering his suitcase and large jackets to act as a kind of shield. The sound of the door being thrown open makes Lane shrink back further, her breath hitching as it hits the wall loudly.

" Why would I hide her here Liv. You're acting insane," August shouts.

Another loud bang sounds making Lane jump.

" Am I insane August? Am I insane for wanting to talk to the girl my boyfriend is in love with," Olivia asks?

Love, Harry said he loved her?

" The way Harry talks about her, god he never talked about me like that. I should've known Auggie, that's the worst fucking part." Olivia says her voice cracking as she goes on, " Harry never loved me, and I couldn't see it, because I wanted him so bad. I wanted us to work so badly"

Lane has never felt worse.

" You'll find someone better Liv, you're great," August tries. Lane can see them through the crack of the closet, she watches Olivia shake her head.

" Not great enough I suppose," Olivia mutters. Without another world, Olivia's figure disappears out of view followed by the soft slam of the bedroom door. Lane waits a couple seconds before emerging from the closet. Lane doesn't realize she's crying until a tear drips down her chin. Wiping her eyes there is no doubt in Lane's mind that what she's done is horrible. There is also little doubt in her mind that she loves Harry too.

It’s insane thinking about it. How could she be in love with Harry when she barely knows him.

Maybe it wasn't love. I mean Lane had never been in love before, how could she know this is what she’s feeling. Perhaps it was just lust she feels for Harry. Lane wasn't Juliet Montague falling in love overnight with dreamy curly haired boys ( Romeo didn't have curly hair but that is beside the point). Admittedly Lane was a romantic, but not a lovesick Shakespeare character.

But perhaps she is, it would explain why she’s behaved so irrationally and out of character.

"Is she going to be okay," Lane asks, her voice cracking.

" She'll live," August mumbles walking to the couch. Lane follows his lead sitting at the opposite end, wiping away the stray tears that remained on her cheeks. Neither one of them speaks August pressing play on the episode of HTGAWM.

" You're not a bad person Lane."

She gives August a weak smile not fully believing him.

#milkshake series #harry styles #harry styles fanfiction #poc #angst #harry styles angst #PoC fanfiction

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e8luhs · 6 years

Text

QUEEN OF PEACE.

LISTEN ON SPOTIFY

TRACKLIST & ANNOTATIONS UNDER THE CUT! (last edited 04.04.19)

I. QUEEN OF PEACE / FLORENCE AND THE MACHINE

oh, the queen of peace always does her best to please is it any use somebody's gotta lose like a long stream i'll bear all this echoing oh, what is it worth all that's left is hurt

II. FLAMINGO / KERO KERO BONITO

black, white, green or blue show off your natural hue flamingo if you're multicolored, that's cool too you don't need to change it's boring being the same flamingo you're pretty either way

III. FRIEND [LOVER] / EVENINGS

[instrumental]

IV. BEATOPHONE / CARAVAN PALACE

[instrumental]

V. OTTER POP / SHAWN WASABI

jello shots and lemon drops this is how we otter pop this is how we otter pop higher than an astronaut this is how we otter pop

VI. HEART ATTACK (CHUU) / LOONA

you attack my heart!

VII. CALL ME / BLONDIE

call me (call me) on the line call me, call me any, anytime call me (call me) oh love when you're ready we can share the wine call me

VIII. PANIC / CARAVAN PALACE

[instrumental]

IX. HER PERFUME / POGO

[instrumental]

X. MY BLOOD / ELLIE GOULDING

that feeling that doesn't go away just did and i walked a thousand miles to prove it and i'm caught in the crossfire of my own thoughts the color of my blood is all i see on the rocks as you sail from me

XI. RUINS / TOBY FOX

[instrumental]

XII. DOG DAYS ARE OVER / FLORENCE AND THE MACHINE

she hid around corners and she hid under beds she killed it with kisses and from it she fled with every bubble she sank with a drink and washed it away down the kitchen sink

XIII. TEARDROP / MASSIVE ATTACK

water is my eye most faithful mirror fearless on my breath teardrop on the fire of a confession

XIV. THE TROUBLE / POGO

[instrumental]

XV. JENNY / STUDIO KILLERS

i wanna ruin our friendship we should be lovers instead i don't know how to say this 'cause you're really my dearest friend i wanna ruin our friendship i don't know how to say this 'cause you're really my dearest friend

XVI. SEA CASTLE / PURITY RING

i could give you petty rhymes of worlds that i contrive they're in my sleep, my dreams i speak them slow, so you can read and not stand back and stare and fear foolish devouring things and not stand back and stare and fear foolish devouring

XVII. WASH MY HANDS / KORMAC

[instrumental]

XVIII. GETTIN’ MY MOM ON / JACK STAUBER

cup in my cap, and i'ma drinka my mimosa! read “keep calm carry on” poster (slip into jc penney’s having a day sale gettin’ my mom on)

XIX. BE ALRIGHT / SHE

[instrumental]

XX. BABE / EVENINGS

[instrumental]

XXI. BUTTERFLY / LOONA

it gets dizzy everything around me is blue, now with you, you, now a folded paper moon like i’m wandering in-between i better be around you

XXII. WET HANDS / C418

[instrumental]

XXIII. ALL MY STARS ALIGNED / ST VINCENT

i do a dance to make the rain come smile to keep the sky from falling down, down, down, down collect the love that i've been given build a nest for us to sleep in here you know it's real

XXIV. HALF CAFF / GO! CHILD

you saw me collapse past the frame asking me as i fell to my knees, "is this how it should end?" but i told you i wasn't worth any of this feeling the abyss, i looked up and i said ... and i said, "here i go again"

XXV. ASSEZ VIF, TRES RHYTHME / SATIE STRING QUARTET

[instrumental]

XXVI. NEWBOP / CARAVAN PALACE

[instrumental]

XXVII. PROLOGUE / DISASTERPEACE

[instrumental]

XXVIII. WAR OF HEARTS / RUELLE

i can’t help but be wrong in the dark 'cause I’m overcome in this war of hearts i can’t help but want oceans to part 'cause I’m overcome in this war of hearts

XXIX. MAKE UP YOUR MIND / FLORENCE AND THE MACHINE

make up your mind let me leave or let me love you while you've been saving your neck, i've been breaking mine for you

XXX. RUNNING UP THAT HILL (A DEAL WITH GOD) / KATE BUSH

you don't want to hurt me, but see how deep the bullet lies unaware I'm tearing you asunder ooh, there is thunder in our hearts

XXXI. BODYACHE / PURITY RING

i, i, i lied, now i'm lying awake i, i, i cried 'til my body ache i, i, i lied, now i'm lying awake i, i, i cried 'til my body ache

XXXII. SHIP TO WRECK / FLORENCE AND THE MACHINE

what's with the long face, do you want more? thousands of red-eyed mice, scratching at the door don't let the curtain catch you, cause you've been here before the chair is an island darling, you can't touch the floor

XXXIII. HEARTACHE / UNDERTALE

[instrumental]

XXXIV. DREAM SWEET IN SEA MAJOR / MIRACLE MUSICAL

a siren sounds like the goddess who promises endless apologies of paradise and only she can make it right so things are different tonight we'll go together in flight

XXXV. COTTON HEADS / CARAVAN PALACE

i'll tell you why the pictures on the wall, i want to get away from it all

XXXVI. END OF THOUGHT / REGINA SPEKTOR

be careful before you decide the universe is too big the universe is too big you cannot make a mistake you cannot make a mistake

XXXVII. FEAR THE FUTURE / ST VINCENT

when the war rose and fell and the oceans are swell i run for you, run for me too

XXXVIII. FINESHRINE / PURITY RING

that i might see with my chest and sink into the edges round you into the lakes and quarries that brink on all the edges round you, round you, round you

XXXIX. SILENT SPRING / MASSIVE ATTACK

[instrumental]

XL. FOLDING CHAIR / REGINA SPEKTOR

now i've been sitting on this abandoned beach for years waiting for the salty water to cover up my ears but every time the tide come in to take me home i get scared, and i'm sitting here alone dreaming of the dolphin song

XLI. IMPOSTOR SYNDROME / SIDNEY GISH

every other day i’m wondering what’s a human being gotta be like? what’s a way to just be competent? these sweet instincts ruin my life

XLII. SEA OF ATLAS / SLEEPING AT LAST

there's a fine line, a fine line in between our progress and our instability we can't help ourselves but hunt for more a design flaw? or the olive branch that proves the shore- the catalyst we've waited for

XLIII. THE CALL / REGINA SPEKTOR

just because everything's changing doesn't mean it's never been this way before all you can do is try to know who your friends are as you head off to the war

XLIV. NOBODY / MITSKI

and i don't want your pity i just want somebody near me guess i'm a coward i just want to feel alright

XLV. SOFTLY WE GO / EVENINGS

[instrumental]

XLVI. DROWN / MARIKA HACKMAN

oh, to drown in your mind i would, i know i would to suffocate in your smoke i'd choke on you if i could maybe i will

XLVII. KALEIDOSCOPE / ARC IRIS

did i singe every hair from the body i have left? did i lose every drop of scent? a farse, a fall, an effigy hanging by a thread

XLVIII. SLOWBIRTH / ELSIANE

why am i full of emptiness? someday i will find my way ‘cause i always start to fall every moment that we face oh please help me find my way

XLIX. FALLEN DOWN (REPRISE) / TOBY FOX

[instrumental]

L. NOW, NOW / ST VINCENT

i'm not the feather at your feet i'm not your yellow brick street i'm not anyone you'll see i'm not anything

LI. OPHELIA / MARIKA HACKMAN

she who walks alone in life, is she of sound mind? i am only as old as i've been told now i'm playing for time

LII. NOBODY KNOWS / ELSIANE

it’s been so hard the task to resolve investigating ourselves becoming what we don’t want to be suffering all by ourselves

LIII. ALICE / POGO

[instrumental]

LIV. WATERFALL / TOBY FOX

[instrumental]

LV. ROUND / THE MOTH AND THE FLAME

tones bring us pleasure, but how do you hear the absence of melody where was our mother to tell us with songs of assurance, "you're not alone"

LVI. CHAMPAGNE YEAR / ST VINCENT

i'll make a living telling people what they want to hear it's not a killing, but it's enough to keep the cobwebs clear

LVII. VANERHAVET / DETEKTIVBYRAN

[instrumental]

LVIII. WHAT THE WATER GAVE ME / FLORENCE AND THE MACHINE

and oh, poor atlas the world's a beast of a burden you've been holding on a long time and all this longing and the ships are left to rust that's what the water gave us

LIX. YOU’VE GOT TIME / REGINA SPEKTOR

think of all the roads, think of all their crossings taking steps is easy, standing still is hard remember all their faces, remember all their voices everything is different the second time around

LX. STRANDED LULLABY / MIRACLE MUSICAL

there's a still tension in the swell so give in to the vast receiving emptiness of time beyond, beyond

LXI. ATHENA / HOT SUGAR

[instrumental]

LXII. WOMAN KING / IRON & WINE

hundred years, hundred more someday we may see a woman king, sword in hand swing at some evil and bleed

LXIII. HARDEST OF HEARTS / FLORENCE AND THE MACHINE

there is love in your body but you can't get it out it gets stuck in your head, won't come out of your mouth sticks to your tongue and it shows on your face that the sweetest of words have the bitterest taste

LXIV. SCIENCE/VISIONS / CHVRCHES

when you are truly yourself, you will succumb to a permanence a light by day a shadow resides by night

LXV. MODERATION / FLORENCE AND THE MACHINE

i've never made it with moderation no, i've never understood all the feeling was all or nothing and i took everything i could can't hold it back, i can't take the tension oh, i'm trying to be good want me to love you in moderation well don't you know, i wish i could

LXVI. WE PUT A PEARL IN THE GROUND / ST VINCENT

[instrumental]

LXVII. RECOVER / RUELLE

can you see me? i can barely see myself are we only empty frames up on the shelf it's like we're dreaming wide awake everything bends, until it breaks

LXVIII. SORRY / THE MOTH AND THE FLAME

i'm sorry for everything i've done and i'll no sooner lay down than i'll be anything I'm not i don't question the rules, i answer for them

LXIX. POOR ATLAS / DESSA

there's a book full of plans at the feet of poor atlas titled "for man" but the architects only drew blanks now there's nowhere to go but go back, go back, go back, go back

LXX. THOUSAND EYES / OF MONSTERS AND MEN

i lie awake and watch it all it feels like thousand eyes

LXXI. AQUARIUM / NOSAJ THING

[instrumental]

LXXII. BLACK SUN / DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE

how could something so fair be so cruel when this black sun revolved around you

LXXIII. PERFECT ON THE SURFACE / EMILY HAINES & THE SOFT SKELETON

this is, this is the purpose of my life harvest all my love, harness all my power to be perfect on the surface the surface cracks and i harvest all my love, harness all my high to be perfect on the surface the surface shine

LXXIV. NOTHING BUT TIME / METRIC

i wanted to be part of something i got nothing but time so the future is mine

LXXV. BREAKING DOWN / FLORENCE AND THE MACHINE

all alone, even when i was a child i've always known there was something to be frightened of i can see it coming from the edge of the room creeping in the streetlight holding my hand in the pale gloom can you see it coming now?

LXXVI. STILL / BEN FOLDS

i must give the impression that i have the answers for everything you were so disappointed to see me unravel so easily

LXXVII. NOT THE VILLAIN / S. J. TUCKER

if you want the very truth, i'll lay it down before you: everybody's got a story if you want the very truth, it's here before your eyes: every witch was someone's princess in some other once upon a time

LXXVIII. TORNADOLAND / REGINA SPEKTOR

before the light goes out why don’t you close your eyes? and all the monsters in your mind just wanna be nice they wanna be kind, they wanna play nice, they wanna be

LXXIX. THE PARTY / ST VINCENT

do you have change or a button or cash? oh, my pockets hang out like two surrender flags oh, but i'd pay anything to keep my conscience clean i'm keeping my eye on the exit sign, steady now

LXXX. TIME FOR US / ELSIANE

realizing never before you tried to compromise all you’re fighting within us all it’s undesired you’re hiding behind all this now that you found this follow your own way

LXXXI. NATTOPET / DETEKTIVBYRAN

[instrumental]

LXXXII. NO CHOIR / FLORENCE AND THE MACHINE

but the loneliness never left me i always took it with me but i can put it down in the pleasure of your company and there will be no grand choirs to sing no chorus will come in, no ballad will be written it will be entirely forgotten and if tomorrow it's all over, at least we had it for a moment oh darling things seem so unstable but for a moment we were able to be still

LXXXIII. RECOVER / CHVRCHES

and if i recover will you be my comfort? or it can be over or we can just leave it here so pick any number choose any color i've got the answer open the envelope

LXXXIV. ONE / SLEEPING AT LAST

now, i have learned my lesson; the price of this so-called perfection is everything i've spent my whole life searching desperately to find out that grace requires nothing of me

LXXXV. THE FACE PART II / METRIC

[instrumental]

LXXXVI. SPECTRUM / FLORENCE AND THE MACHINE

say my name and every color illuminates we are shining and we will never be afraid again

LXXXVII. PARTYLAND / DETEKTIVBYRAN

[instrumental]

LXXXVIII. PINK IN THE NIGHT / MITSKI

i could stare at your back all day i could stare at your back all day and i know i've kissed you before, but i didn't do it right can i try again, try again, try again? try again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again?

LXXXIX. HOME SWEET HOME / DETEKTIVBYRAN

[instrumental]

XC. HANG ON ME / ST VINCENT

yeah, so hang on me hang on me, hang on me, 'cause you and me we're not meant for this world

XCI. NEW YEAR / REGINA SPEKTOR

she sets her alarm five minutes to midnight and wakes just in time to say her goodbyes thanking the old year for all it has brought her no mention of the things it took away

XCII. AGER (MIND REEL) / EVENINGS

[instrumental]

XCIII. HEARTLINES / FLORENCE AND THE MACHINE

just keep following the heartlines on your hand just keep following the heartlines on your hand

XCIV. COME INTO THE WATER / MITSKI

i didn't know i had a dream i didn't know until i saw you so would you tell me if you want me? 'cause i can't move until you show me

XCV. I’M GOOD, I’M GONE / LYKKE LI

i'm working a sweat but it's all good i'm breaking my back but it's all good cause i know I'll get it back yeah, i know your hands will clap

XCVI. THE MOTHER WE SHARE / CHVRCHES

i'm in misery but you can't see, as old as your omens and the mother we share will never keep your proud head from falling the way is long but you can make it easy on me and the mother we share will never keep our cold hearts from calling

XCVII. SHAKE IT OUT / FLORENCE AND THE MACHINE

and i've been a fool and i've been blind i can never leave the past behind i can see no way, i can see no way i'm always dragging that horse around

XCVIII. SUN / SLEEPING AT LAST

we are the dust of dust we are the apple of god’s eye we are infinite as the universe we hold inside

XCIX. 054 / DETEKTIVBYRAN

[instrumental]

C. GOODBYE FOREVER / EVENINGS

[instrumental]

#plylsts #cataclysmalbound #yes we have undertale music on here and its allowed because lyreni canonically has played undertale. so it works

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girl-in-the-hitops · 11 months

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i am engaged to be wed

#liv speaks to the abyss #this is the only form of social media i use

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oc-avalanche · 6 years

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Shelter

Inspired by this song ---> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_pEiTSW4UI&index=1&list=FLKwpeS62mdgd_bNoMlvd3OQ

Kaidan is not mine, he is a mod created by the amazing Liv. Highly recommended.

Ren smiled gently, warmly, like a caress. “You’re a good man, Kai. You can’t expect yourself to always be perfect.” The breton stood, the height change not much. The book he was reading earlier lies in his hand, pushed against his chest. “The only thing you can do to try and redeem yourself is learn from your past mistakes, but in my opinion you have nothing to redeem.” He held out his hand towards Kaidan who looked down at it with slight amazement. Ren’s hand looked smooth except for the long scar on the palm, a residue of the Thalmor. “Let’s go, it’s getting late and I think we deserve and nice bed for the night.”

Kaidan took his hand and stood up from the log he had situated himself on. “Thank you, for,” Kaidan paused a sense of embarrassment swelling his tongue. Ren just shrugged, his smile still on and radiating a warm aura. Hand in hand, Ren lead them towards the nearest town which just happened to be Windhelm.

They had gone out to do something, something college related. At the beginning, when Kaidan found out about Ren’s preference for magic, he couldn’t help but get a foul taste in his mouth. He tried his best to place a wall in between them, to prevent from last time, but damn that Ren, damn him for causing the warmth to rise in Kaidan’s cheeks. To catch the warrior off guard was unnerving to him and no matter how many walls, the many preventions, Ren still found a work around. All it took was a smile, the reach of his hand, the calm look in his eye and Kaidan knew that he wouldn’t be judged.

“Every object has multiple purposes, swords can be used to kill or protect, magic to heal or destroy. It’s the humans who have the true power to create good and evil. Magic in the hands of a necromance is just as inherently evil as a sword wielded by a bandit.”

The words, Ren’s words, echoed in Kaidan’s ears, they tortured and mended him. Just as holding the male’s hand was torture just as it was comfort.

Ren turn his head, looking over his shoulder at Kaidan, the burn marks noticeable from the shadows that fell on the small breton. Kaidan resisted the urge to touch, to caress, to comfort. He imagined the skin to be rough, strangely warm still as if the fire never left, it would have it’s own pulse, it’s own heat. Like a heartbeat in a way. To many it was an ugly mush of skin, burnt and scarred, nothing to be cherished or praised for, but they didn’t really see. They didn’t look.

“One room is fine, thank you.” Kaidan hardly noticed the entry into Windhelm nor the words of the person who ran the inn. No, it was the one room that caught him off guard.

They stepped into their room shedding off their bags and any unnecessary equipment. For Kaidan it was his armor, feeling a bit weird to be in only his underclothes. Ren only shedded the long jacket, his lightning bolt like scars now revealed, a consequence to his magic using. The burns on his left arm were there too, tempting Kaidan to touch.

From upstairs music started to play, the energetic kind that got some of the people to start laughing wildly. “Let’s go get something to eat!” Ren’s words were happy, cheering on as the thin male vanished from the room, followed by the muscular Kaidan who let out a small laugh.

There was a table in the corner that was free and from there they ordered a bowl of warm soup and nonalcoholic beverages. Ren sat in the corner seat, his back protected from any attack from behind, this fact made Kaidan relax a bit as he watched Ren’s face.

Ren’s eyes were on the bard who was singing, her words captivating him. A book sat closed in front of him, in front of him one hand was laid out open while the rubbed over the scar. To people who didn’t know him, he look absolutely in love - they’ve never seen him with a new book - but Kaidan knew better. Kaidan looked deeper, into the brown eyes that first comforted him in that prison, the same ones that held no judgement as he told his past, and the same ones that held an abyss of mixed emotions as Ren spoke of his scars.

“My mother use to sing this song, especially after my sister and I had some stupid fight and she would drag us both dancing while she sang, totally off beat and let’s not talk about how my mother could not hold a note.” Both men chuckled.

Their food arrived shortly after the songs end and they at, conversing about happier topics, Kaidan’s eyes occasionally falling to Ren’s moving ones or to the scars on his palms following the lightning flow, which was sometimes disrupted by the burnt flesh, and to the burn on Ren’s cheeks. Ren was speaking of happier topics, his time at the college during his younger years, the trouble he and his fellow students got into, Kaidan appreciated the warmth on Ren’s face, the happiness that was infectious. By the end of their meal both of them were laughing and sharing stories, drinking to themselves and watching the occasional bard show in silence.

Eventually it became silent in the inn, the music kept coming and Kaidan listened and watched while Ren went to his book, a small mix of expression coming over his face as he slowly delve into his book, strands of his brown hair fell from his bun, soft and tempting. Kaidan was about to suggest they think about going to bed when two men came towards them, faces red from alcohol. They were nords, it was obvious by their built and fair hair.

“You’re a mage.” The shorter of the two stated, sounding pleased with himself.

Ren didn’t even look up from his book, his face completely undisturbed. “Thank you for noticing.”

The small nord scowled. “It wasn’t a compliment!” Ren’s only reply was a shrug and the nord began to step forward.

Kaidan stepped in between the two, him towering the poor sod with an intimidating expression. Ren put his book down. “I wouldn’t take another step closer if I were you.”

It was the tall nord who took a step forward meeting Kaidan eye to eye. “If I were you, I would get out of the way.”

“Unlike you, I’m not a milkdrinker.”

There was fast movement, the guy swung his fist, Ren stood up, Kaidan’s fist made contact. Now there was contact, Ren’s hand on Kaidan’s arm, the smooth one, the unburnt hand. The book was laying unceremoniously on the ground. “Kai, let’s go to our room.” A demand more than a suggestion, hidden well. Ren was not look at Kaidan when he said this, his brown eyes held a straight gaze on the two nords, his emotions and thoughts unreadable.

Kaidan allowed himself to be lead away, watching the two nords closely. That’s how he saw the movement of the smaller one, his eyes squared on Ren. “I’m not done talking with you, mage!”

Instinct took over Kaidan as he pushed Ren behind him and moved his own fist which made contact with the side of the smaller nords face. He stumbled back and leff over the edge, landing on the stairs. The only sound he made was a groan. The bigger nord ran towards his buddy and helped him up. “You’ll regret this!” He claimed like a horrible villain in a corny book and left.

Ren sighed. “Let’s get some rest.” He grabbed his book, which he had left lying on the floor. He looked up at Kaidan and noticed the heavy look on the tall man’s face. Ren smiled and touched his arm, comforting and warm. “It’s okay. They’re the ones who started it anyways, you were just doing what you felt was right.” With that the male took Kaidan’s hand and left the upstairs area.

As soon as they were in the room, Ren pushed Kaidan to the bed, sitting him down and looking him over. “What are you doing?” Kaidan question, allowing the small touches from the Breton, from both hands this time. No answer and no more questions as Ren investigated, his eyes scrutinizing.

When he was done, Ren sat next to him and smiled. “No, wounds to heal up. You’re fit as a lute.”

Kaidan looked at Ren, then subconscious too a quick glance at his hands. “You shouldn’t do that. No matter how badly I’m hurt.”

Ren looked away, his gaze towards the way. “It’s not your decision.” His tone was soft, not derogatory or hurtful. He was right, Kaidan had no control of his actions, but Kaidan knew better.

Quiet hung over them, comforting, wrapping them up in a solitary blanket. Ren rubs one of his palms. Kaidan looks over, it’s the burnt hand that lays palm up. There’s a soft smell of smoke, or a memory of it. It takes all of his strength not to take Ren’s hands, to face the wounded palms towards him, to trace the marks that crawled on the breton’s skin.

“Let’s get some rest.” As Kaidan said those words he began to stand up, but a hand grabbed him. A soft unburnt hand. He look over at Ren.

“It’s cold and the floor is hard.” Kaidan stood frozen, looking into Ren’s eyes. Brown and warm, he wanted to look into them forever. There was no reply as Kaidan took his seat back. “Thank you,” relief, that was the sound that those words made. “Let’s get to sleep.” Ren laid down, his movements undisturbed, emotions kept in check, it was like second nature. Kaidan waited till he was settled before doing the same, laying face to face with him. “Sweet dreams, Kai.” The male could not reply, his words caught up as he watched Ren closed his eyes, his body feeling incredibly small compared to his.

Kaidan laid there, listening to Ren’s soft breathes. He tried to keep his eyes closed and for a time he was successful, he was almost asleep when he felt movement towards him, soft shuffling, arms wrapping around him. When he opened his eyes, Ren was closer than before, nuzzling his face into Kaidan’s chest. Kaidan froze, he knew what to do, he had done it before, but this was different, completely different. It took a moment of calming down before Kaidan finally wrapped his arm around Ren, feeling more of the breton’s warmth.

If this was all the touch he could have, even in this moment, Kaidan felt that he could die happy with this moment in the back of his head.

Let my heart be your shelter

Let these bones be the giver

Let this soul be your whisper

You can take it all, you can take it all

Let my heart be your shelter

#skyrim #dragonborn #skyrim oc #skyrimkaidan #akaviriboy #kaidanmod #kaidan mod

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patricksilvrrozartistry · 6 years

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Current Music Obsessions: November 16 - 30, 2017

Soooo there's A LOT of stuff this time. I PURGED my watch later playlist and there's still over a hundred songs on there. ANYWAYS, here are the honorable mentions.

Then Comes Silence - Warm like Blood Lyria - What Do You Want From Me? Witchcraft - Холодный свет A Skylit Drive - Wires and the Conscept of Breathing Fenrir's Scar - From Porcelain to Ivory Royal Blood - How Did We Get so Dark? Cadence Calling - The Accounts of Evil The Oblivion - Helios In this Moment - Roots Demether - Two Roses Tears of Martyr - Evil Domini Words as Knives - Over the Abyss Kobra and the Lotus - Prevail Aftereffect - Fade Away HDK - Pedestal Diamond Black - Sorrow A Crowd of Rebellion - M1917 Alaska Thunderfuck - Come to Brazil Syndemic - Exileseeker Crimfall - The Last of Stands Elephants in Paradise - Feeding a Lie Kalela - LMK Sinistro - Lotus Mercury Killed Newton - Arusha Mourning Sun - Latitud:56'S Aly & AJ - I Know Satanicpornocultshop - Left Handed Darling Imperious - Scorn Cellar Darling - Six Days Lake of Silent Terror - Eyes of God Pale Waves - New Year's Eve A Sound of Thunder - Lifebringer

And the many obsessions.

1) Wheelfall - Impenitent

If you're looking for a death metal track with a dope ass intro, this is the song for you. The intro is so cool and different. It's your typical death metal track, but there's something about this song that's just so epic. Definitely a great listen.

2) Dim7 - Apophis Enigmata

This is blackened doom metal at its finest. It oddly has a groovy vibe to it in the early parts, but then it gets very doomy towards the end. I'm really digging the new direction that these guys are going it. I really enjoyed their gothic doom metal stuff from their early days, but this new stuff is pretty damn awesome.

3) Skarlett Riot - Warrior

This band fuses really catchy vocal lines with some badass riffs and I love the contrast between them. This band is really starting to grow on me the more and more I listen to them. This is a great jam and the breakdown near the end is a great way to tone things down a bit while still maintaining a lot of energy.

4) Moon Tooth - Little Witch

This song and video are so campy that it's making me love them. I'm still very new to these guys, so I don't know if a lot of their stuff is this cheesy, but even if isn't, I'm loving it. Definitely has a psychedelic rock, classic doom metal vibe to it. Go give these guys a listen.

5) Diablo Swing Orchestra - Knucklehugs (Arm Yourself with Love)

This is the first single off their upcoming album and I am so hyped for it. This song is pure camp fused with being an anthem track. Although I'll definitely miss them having a soprano, their new frontwoman is bringing some new dimensions to them that's going to make them campier and I'm beyond excited for that.

6) Ruins of Elysium - The Birth of a Goddess

This is their latest single off their latest album and is definitely one of the highlights off it. We really need more bands like Ruins of Elysium that show their love and support for the LGBT community in their music, especially in the symphonic metal scene. Not only that, but be open enough to show to the world that they're fronted by someone in the community. This song speaks to me on so many levels being the bi dude that I am, and I can't help but feel so loved by such an amazing band. I can't wait to be able to meet Drake, because ya bitch needs to do that.

7) Cradle of Filth - Vengeful Spirit feat. Liv Kristine

Cryptoriana is handsdown their best album in the past decade, and this song is proof of that. I never expected Liv to collaborate with them again, especially on a more aggressive track like this. It's an epic adventure from start to finish and I can't get enough of it. If you're going to listen to anything off this gorgeous album, listen to this.

8) Rivers of Nihil - Perpetual Growth Machine

I rekindled my love for this ballbuster recently. I really need to listen to everything else this band has released, because this is the only song I've listened to from them. The riffs are so great and are always in your face. Don't even get me started on how intense the bridge is. Needless to say, it mutilated my balls.

9) Aeonian Sorrow - Forever Misery

I'm so happy to hear that Gogo of Luna Obscura is in an active project again. This song is completely different from the stuff from them. She sings in a much lower register. Oh, and this is depressive doom metal and not gothic metal. Such a hauntingly beautiful track.

10) HDK - Mortal Zombie

Discovered this song after I watched an interview for Sander's project Phantom Elite and they mentioned he was part of After Forever and I couldn't remember who he was so I went onto the metal archives and found this project under him and checked it out. This song is so epic. It's a bit cheesy, but the fact that it's such an intense and in your face track makes up for it.

11) Amberian Dawn - Dragonflies

I am blown away by how insanely epic this new album is proving itself to be already and I haven't even heard it yet. They're definitely going in a more faster direction and playing with some prog vibes. This is such an epic track and Capri looks insane in the video.

12) Evenoire - Forever Gone

This band never seems to fail me. Each song is such an epic piece of work. This song is so beautiful and has such a cool vibe to it and flows so nicely. I really love how proggy it is and how it switches tone a decent amount. Also it's the first song I've heard from them that features growls.

13) Apparition - The Dames of Darkness

This was a random find that I am so glad I came across. Such a beautiful and power gothic metal track. The end of the final chorus is everything. I love finding these hidden gems that snatch your edges out of nowhere.

14) Metalite - Purpose of Life

This band definitely has my attention. I'm very much looking forward to listening to their debut album, because everything I'm hearing so far is amazing. The strong electronic element goes so well with their power metal sound. Not to mention this song is definitely the fastest that I've heard from them so far.

15) Kartikeya - Durga Puja

I discovered this song through the band's record label and I'm so intrigued. It starts out sounding like progressive death metal, then it gets really weird during the bridge. Like, really weird. It sounds like the frontman is just speaking gibberish, but not a beat-boxing gibberish that Korn uses in their songs, this sounds like legit gibberish. I'm definitely am gonna listen to more from these guys and see what other interesting things they got going on.

16) Gravity - Noctifer ~ Le Porteur de Nuit

I discovered these guys not too long ago and this is the second song I've heard so far. They're a progressive death metal band with some strong djent vibes. I really want to hear more from them, because they have such an interesting sound. It sounds atmospheric, but is way to aggressive to be atmospheric.

17) Forbidden Lore - Endless Run

Another random discovery that snatched my edges. This is such a powerful symphonic power metal track and I need more of it. It's rare to find songs like this on the Metal Monks page, so when I saw it, I had to give it a listen, and I'm so glad I did. Their frontwoman has such a strong voice and I need more of it.

18) Eluveitie - Rebirth

This is their first metal single with the new lineup and I'm not mad at it. I was worried I wasn't going to like their new female singer as much as Anna, but she definitely fits very well. And it's also really great to hear a ballbuster that's reminiscent to some of their earlier stuff.

19) The Hardkiss - Part of Me

I was on a huge The Hardkiss kick for a minute and this was the main song I was jamming to. It's so catchy and fun and the bridge gets me every time. I wonder if they'll go back to having the obnoxiously artsy videos like they did back during the Stones and Honey days, because those were always fun to look at.

20) Aura's Seers - In Our Minds

This is their latest song and it's gorgeous. I LOVE the blend of trip hop with atmospheric metal. It has such a weird and beautiful contrast. And the video is breathtakingly beautiful. I can't wait to hear a full length album from them.

21) Lil Peep - The Brightside

It's so sad that he's past away. Especially since I discovered him maybe a month beforehand. This was the second song I heard from him and it really hits hard with what's going on right now. This song embodies the struggles he was going through. But even though things were really rough for him, he always wanted to look on the brightside. Even if he couldn't, he wanted his fans to at least do so with whatever situation they were/are going through.

22) Navarone - Step by Step

I discovered these guys a while back through either Marcela Bovio or Dianne Van Giersbergen and I really dig their sound. They're very different compared to majority of the Dutch bands I listen to. I guess you could say it's prog, but it's definitely not metal by any means. Such a fun song and a great jam. Really am looking forward to hearing more from these guys.

23) Johari - Bloom

Found a new gem on Spaceuntravel. These guys are ambient progressive metal that remind me a lot of Ashe O'hara's era with Tesseract. It has this soft, but in your face vibe to it that I really like. I'm definitely am gonna be listening to their new album sometime soon, because this song is just so great that I need to hear more from them.

24) Maidens of the North - Carry Your Darkness

Randomly came across this song one day and decided to check it out. I’m so glad I did. This song is so great. An all girl symphonic metal band. Do you know how hard it is to find an all girl metal band? Very! I’m definitely looking forward to what they release in the future, because this song alone is amazing.

25) Snovonne - Filth

For some reason this song reminds me of a Manson song, but it's nothing like a Manson. I came across them through a Facebook page and instantly fell in love with the bizarre and creepy atmosphere. It's so different from what I'm used to hearing from gothic metal bands that have a symphonic element to it. Definitely am gonna check out more from them.

That's it! There's probably gonna be a lot next time, so here's your warning!

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usstatesofsong · 7 years

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Countdown to #Eurovision - Yearly Reviews - 1987

We’re a little under two months away from the next edition of the Eurovision Song Contest, and while we’re counting down the days toward ESC 2017, we’re going to revisit Eurovision song contests from the past and rank our favorites in each contest. (At least, through 1989... all the songs are out now!)

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Breaking the barrier, for a moment, between the Eurovision bubble and non-virtual reality. During the 1980s, and more recently, Belgium has been one of my favorite Eurovision countries, mostly because they don’t follow the middle path of typical pop music entries. They follow trends, or they go a bit avant-garde; they send flops, or they send gold. Their sole win in ESC history came in 1986, and thus, the European world tuned into Brussels in 1987 to watch the second-most 80’s-tastic contest the decade had to offer. The challenge was knowing who would “host” since Belgium alternates between the Walloon (French) and Flemish broadcasters for song entries. RTBF (the broadcaster of the winning artist, Sandra Kim), hosted the grand event, while BRT got to choose the singer.

First off, take a look at that logo. After viewing it a few times I finally realized it spells “87.” I’d love to meet the person who designed that logo… they chose the most 80’s-tastic colors. Even the hostess was in special 80’s form, and Brussels has my douze points for the most 80’s-tastic stage of the decade. It just kind of disappears into a dark abyss, which makes for some interesting antics during the performances. Speaking of the hostess, she was a statuesque woman by name of Viktor Lazlo. Sounds like a man’s name? That’s because her real name is Sonia. She’s my second-most favorite host of the decade, for many reasons! But I digress… the contest itself is memorable for bringing forth the real look of the decade, and not shying away from some 80’s-tastic tunes, as well. Some of my favorite entries of all time come from this contest - for better, or for worse. And all 22 (usual) countries participated! No excuses, no holiday boycotting, no mistakenly reentered songs - we have a full contest to swim through.

Another Eurovision blogger that I admire really detests the ‘87 contest, for reasons that I don’t completely agree with, but am willing to accept. There are some doozies, after all, that will make you question your true sexuality. Also, “Deeeeeee melodie!”

Alright, I’ve buffered this blog with all that I can muster. Let’s get to it, shall we?

youtube

1. NORWAY - Kate Gulbrandsen - Mitt liv (9th, 65 pts)

Well, she’s definitely on a mission! And not with just the hair… or the clothes… or the boots. You know what I’d really like to see? Someone taking on that combination in 2017. They’d earn a gold medal for braveness, because I think that style was dead by 1988. The song has a power to it, a developing force, trudging through tough times and overcoming the challenges of the world. It wouldn’t be out of place as the theme song of a movie. Although the song is titled “my life,” I imagine the way she describes her life in Norwegian is supposed to be relative. There’s just a bit of an empty feeling to this song, and the stage. All in all, not a bad start to the contest.

2. ISRAEL - Datner & Kushnir - Shir Habatlanim (8th, 73 pts.)

Lulz. So many lulz. What else do I need to say here? Lulz!!!! Israel, you loving bunch. Europe loves you right back. The fame of this song, and the legacy it holds because the Israeli Prime Minister of Culture or something like that wanted to resign if this song was sent… really?? Get the stick out of your butt. If anything, people love Israel more for songs like this. So, if you compare the ESC version of the song to the national final, this really comes alive and can be… somewhat understood as a legitimate entry. The orchestration sounds great in that big stage, and the little dances are so damn entertaining. There’s a 1950s vibe to the composition, but the singing is so unlike anything. It’s pure theatrics. Props to RTBF for cutting to the next shot as Avi’s in mid-air jump! WE NEVER KNOW IF HE COMES BACK DOWN!!! :D :D Such happy! Also, featuring the first song/performance to feature a handstand. And sunglasses (maybe). And hand-shimmies. And an abandoning of the microphone only to turn right back around on the last bar and jump and shout “Hah!” The Dutch broadcaster described it as “Blue Brothers”... and that sounds about right.

3. AUSTRIA - Gary Lux - Nur noch Gefühl (20th, 8 pts.)

I don’t remember this song making much of an impression on me during my first listen of the program. Years later, there’s more of an understanding of the sentiment and the feeling associated with the composition. Gary was a seasoned veteran of Eurovision by this point, so the performance was flawless… until the almost-end, when his voice cracked. Sigh… I wonder if that moment haunted him for many years after, because we wouldn’t see him again for nearly five years. Or maybe someone finally told him he needed to give it up, as it were. Who knows. All I know is that the song itself is lovely. It fits the mold of the decade of music I love nicely (as does his jacket - I hope it stayed there.) And while it probably was never going to win the contest, I have to wonder if it could have got more points.

4. ICELAND - Halla Margret - Hægt og hljótt (16th, 28 pts.)

It’s the end of a long night in downtown and it’s time to head on home… the bar is closing, the last drink has been drunk, and once again you’re alone. Nobody except the piano man, slowly and lightly playing away. That’s what this song makes me think about, and songs that make me think rank highly in my final points chart. This is one of my annual favorites, as it again could not have happened in any other decade than the 80’s, and because Halla is one hella good lookin’ nordic woman. Actually, it’s more that “anus in the, anus in the air” lyric that the English language cannot put to death. This is such an odd composition, as it never was going to go places with the juries. But it’s sweetness, kindness, lightness and brightness shine through. The most you could say about it is “boring,” but eff you. :P

5. BELGIUM - Liliane Saint-Pierre - Soldiers of Love (11th, 56 pts)

Wait a second, did you see the way Liliane looked in that postcard?? And also, how about the host country’s conductor not being Jo Carlier, but rather the other broadcaster’s conductor… conducting for the other broadcaster’s host entry... Okay, whatever. I’m fully aware of the confusion Belgium causes (I made a map about it in college). We desperately needed some kind of upbeat pop or rock number in this contest, and the host country delivered nicely. There’s a bit of an older vibe that I get from Liliane, but her dress is beyond epic, and so are the militaristic dance moves. I have to wonder if those gun-shaped guitars would be allowed on an airplane flight in today’s world. Definitely in the upper half of entries from 1987.

6. SWEDEN - Lotta Engberg - Boogaloo (12th, 50 pts.)

And now for something completely different! I have to give credit to Sweden for ditching the schlager route, as was common practice for the Scandinavian countries, and risking … tropical calypso? The bright colors of the outfits and the happy, upbeat, sunshiney atmosphere the song creates really helps you forget, if just momentarily, how dark and expansive that stage is. I’m not sure this is something I would want to listen to outside of the contest itself, but I appreciate the song for what it is, and Sweden has certainly sent worse. At the end, the “guitarist” throws his guitar in the air, and I’d have to wonder what kind of world we would be living in now if he failed to catch it and the guitar broke.

7. ITALY - Raf & Umberto Tozzi - Genti di mare (3rd, 103 pts.)

Welcome back (again), Italy, the perennial skippers of Eurovision, as it suits them. They would remain for quite a few years, possibly because this was one of their more successful streaks in the contest itself. To celebrate their return, the Italians sent arguably their two biggest male stars, which would never happen these days! This one had a big impact on me the first time I listened to the contest, having ranked it at my top until I had heard “Mr. Eurovision” sing later on - we will get to that. There’s a uniqueness to this composition, the beginning lyrics almost sounding like waves washing on the shores, for the “genti di mare,” and as it builds into a proper song (I wouldn’t quite call it a ballad), the anthemic quality of it all is awesome. Umberto is definitively one of the strongest singers of the contest, and carries this song into ‘contender’ territory for the title.

8. PORTUGAL - Nevada - Neste barco à vela (18th, 15 pts.)

I really like the beginning of this one, with the way the violins and guitars (?) play, but I’m sorry, it’s ruined the moment he starts singing. It’s just… I’ve never felt as though a baritone voice can carry a song to victory in Eurovision. Also, nice librarians that you hired as backup singers there. I suppose this is okay, but I’ve been spoilt with such thematic songs up to this point that fit the mold of the decade, and this song does not. But hey, they beat Spain in ‘87! Small victories.

9. SPAIN - Patricia Kraus - No estás solo (19th, 10 pts)

Oh. Goodness. Certainly, she’s had a bit of coffee before walking out to that stage! One wonders what it’s like to be squeezed to death at the waist while literally shouting some of the lyrics. Or that she smeared some lipstick on her cheeks and decided to leave it there. Terry Wogan calls her “challenging,” and that’s an adequate summation. Admittedly, this is another one where I’d say it starts out good, but Patricia ruins it with the way she sings. I get the feeling like this is supposed to be a song of declaration, a pronouncement, and she tries to oversell it, thus ruining herself in the process. Also, “Oh yay!” appears about twenty times too many during the song. Finally, she destroys any opportunity of redemption on that last note. It’s too bad; I think this really could have been a good song!

10. TURKEY - Seyyal Taner & Lokomotif - Şarkım Sevgi Üstüne (22nd, 0 pts.)

This one, on the other hand, makes Spain look like a masterpiece. I could go on for hours about this. When I watched a recap of worst performances during the most recent Norwegian hosting of ESC, this was the first highlight, as it were, and I became infatuated with the songs featured in that recap. It’s baaaaad, folks. But it ventures into the “so bad it’s good” territory, thankfully. What particularly is bad is hard to say, since everything about it is so over-the-top - from the constant movement, to the white clothes, to the male singer’s solo fail, to the “Deeeeeeeeee melodi” theme, or perhaps even those clunky cowbell keyboard sounds. This has not aged well, and I think this song’s existence was 20 years too early. The fandom has certainly come around to this one, but this must have been looked down on back in the day, since it received nul points. Turkey always gets treated like poop, but thankfully everyone enjoys their poop these days. Mercy me.

11. GREECE - Bang - Stop (10th, 64 pts)

And now, the Greek George Michael. They certainly knew what they were doing, those Greeks… anyways, this has an old-fashioned charm to it that most sounds like Wham!’s single, “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” but perhaps without the soaring vocals. However, Thanos’ vocals didn’t really need to be soaring for this number, and I like the bopping energy of this one. Greece wasn’t usually known for sending dance numbers, so this was a breath of fresh air. What I really want to know, though - which of those backup singers is Mariana! I can’t tell!

12. NETHERLANDS - Marcha - Rechtop in de wind (t-5th, 83 pts)

It kinda sounds like two songs combined into one! Marcha couldn’t decide whether she wanted to sing a ballad or a pop hit at Eurovision, so she took both. It’s not all that bad; she looks knock-dead gorgeous (I mean, not just by 80’s standards), and this has a very contemporary feel to it. The only problem, I would say, is that I have very little else to say about it. For being such a contemporary song with a strong beat and jamming melody, there’s nothing to latch onto. She comes on the stage and she does her thing; she owns it. The juries love that stuff, yo, thus why the Dutch scored a rare Top 5 with it.

13. LUXEMBOURG - Plastic Bertrand - Amour, amour (21st, 4 pts)

It’s all good and well in these types of reviews until you’re introduced to something from the left-most edge of the left field. What do you think audiences back then thought about this song? Because I can tell you plenty about what people think about it thirty years later. M. Bertrand is an… unique, engaging fellow. And if there was any one person who worked the stage that night in Brussels, it was him. He’s wearing a godddamn pink suitjacket, for heaven’s sakes! But guys, sexuality aside, unless you absolutely love new wave music, you’re probably not going to like this one. My fondness of this song stems from the style of music combined with the over-the-top appeal, but even then, I can’t award it too highly. And they destroyed some of the original quality when it transferred over to the orchestra. All that aside, though, this is a Eurovision classic; a must-watch.

14. UNITED KINGDOM - Rikki - Only the Light (13th, 47 pts.)

This was the poop-bird of Britain’s hot streak; perhaps a strong representation that you can’t always win just because you sing in English. And it started from (almost) the first note, with Rikki’s vocals as he shouts “Woahhhh!!!” above everything else going on. I’d almost think that the composition itself backfired upon the band, because there’s so much energy in the performance and in the dance moves, and when Rikki isn’t trying to smooth-move sooth you there’s an element of strength to the song.

15. FRANCE - Christine Minier - Les mots d'amour n'ont pas de dimanche (14th, 44 pts.)

The words of love are not some Sunday? Well, okay. Sure. Okay, past that point. This just comes off as a really average-sounding pageant song. Like the kind of thing you’d sing in Miss Universe. I give credit to actually using the orchestra for the song, which most of the other acts didn’t do that night. But that’s as far as I can go with this - she’s not even that vocally strong of a singer. Next.

16. GERMANY - Wind - Lass die Sonne in dein Herz (2nd, 141 pts.)

A couple things here - how sad for this group to have come 2nd place twice!?! Just so that Johnny Logan could win twice… Also, freakin’ half of Milli Vanilli! Why is he there?? Like, this must be pre-MV fame, and he was a “fake” singer, so … what is he doing there? Was he just like, the poster-boy for German pop music? What would have Wind done if they had won? Would we still have had Milli Vanilli, or would he have become an honorary member of Wind and gone on to great Eurovision success? Was it about the image? A Caribbean look, which admittedly is what this song tries to provide? I do have to say I like this more than their 1985 attempt, because the vocals are spot-on! But it also has a somewhat empty feeling to it, just like the UK did. I can award some points to Germany for this breath of fresh air, but it’s not the true winner of the evening.

17. CYPRUS - Alexia - Aspro mavro (7th, 80 pts)

Say it isn’t so! Cyprus went the schlager route in 1987, as if it wasn’t bad enough that some Scandinavian countries couldn’t get their heads out of the sand to send something outside the genre around this time. Appropriately she’s wearing black and white, and she’s go the sweet little side-step dances to go with it. Delaying for time and for critique, because this is not really my cup of tea and I find Alexia’s voice a bit grating at times; a bit nasal. Like, the song does get stuck in my head ever so slightly, but my reimagining of her voice in my head is less than complimentary. We’ll see where this lands at the end.

18. FINLAND - Vicky Rosti & Boulevard - Sata salamaa (15th, 32 pts.)

I think the only real crime to this is that it finished with less points than France. But if you’re going to do anything with schlager, this is one route you can go where you don’t immediately lose all credibility with me. It also helps if you’re a redhead (I have a thing for redheads…) Vicky combines the glam rock from that decade with a pop-infused schlager tune, and while it’s not my favorite thing of the night, I don’t forget the song so quickly, either. And that’s a good thing for this contest, all things considered! I also like the way she rolls her ‘r’s. I wish I could do that...

19. DENMARK - Anne-Cathrine Herdorf & Bandjo - En lille melodi (t-5th, 83 pts.)

This is basically the ‘87 version of Spain ‘84, or Germany-87-lite. It’s called “A little melody” because there’s only a little bit of melody to this, otherwise it again sounds so empty and lost during the chorus parts. It picks up a little bit on the start of the second chorus, but that’s literally just me trying to latch onto something. But, of course, this is something that the juries would fall for back in those days. Sigh...

20. IRELAND - Johnny Logan - Hold Me Now (1st, 172 pts)

Really the only deserved winner of the evening. Everything just comes together really well, from the orchestrated composition (I swear Ireland is the only nation that uses the french horn appropriately), to the lyrics, to the vocals, and to the contemporary feeling of the single. This comes alive so much more than the demo version, which tries too desperately to fit in the era of 80’s ballads. And Johnny always knows how to finish on a fantastic note. I can’t really criticize this if I tried. So, three cheers for the orange, green, and white. With St. Patrick’s Day upcoming, I award you with the only true score deserved for this piece of Eurovision history - nobody else has ever won twice.

21. YUGOSLAVIA - Novi Fosili - Ja sam za ples (4th, 92 pts)

It’s weird how most of the schlager of ‘87 got all sandwiched towards the end of the presentation! But this is another one I can tolerate, as it is more of a throwback to the 50’s and 60’s era of pop dance, rather than just big-band poppity trash waste. And the lead singer really sells it, too, with her constant moving and … umm, hiccups? I don’t know how else to describe those sounds. This group is so Slavic, and yet, it all comes together. It’s a precursor to 1989, that’s for sure, and the country earned another Top 5 finish for the boys and girls back home.

22. SWITZERLAND - Carol Rich - Moitié, moitié (17th, 26 pts)

Gosh, she’s a little fireball of energy, isn’t she? Apparently the Swiss didn’t even need a conductor, as hostess Lazlo awkwardly cuts to Rich running from off-stage right to demand a tap of the foot or two. I’d love to know what the thought-process was for the outfitting of her (American stars on top, Australian stars on bottom?) and the group, with headbands and guitar accessories, who are alarmingly reminding me of Sweden’s profession to mediocrity from the year before. In all honesty this is too streamline for my tastes, and apparently I wasn’t alone in that deduction as the juries didn’t buy into it either.

As I said previously, Logan won for the second time. And it was against a field of random hullabaloo, just like in 1980. I’m reminded how this song elevates in comparison to “What’s Another Year,” and in comparison to everything else sent that year. Yeah, I suppose this wasn’t the grandest of editions musically, but there’s still a lot here that I adore, and I think when there’s a grander variety of music, the joyful feelings illuminate the memory and make the contest so much more interesting. I award the actual winner the 12 points, and I drop a big fat zero on the senorita who got lost in her own world. Greece was the only country to award her points, after all - otherwise she would have finished with nul points, just like the musical travesty that was Turkey! Anywho, there was a serious upgrade in sophistication, technology, and harmony in 1987; what would we get out of the Irish in ‘88?

My votes:

12 – Ireland 10 – Iceland 8 – Italy 7 – Austria 6 – Israel 5 – Yugoslavia (Croatia) 4 – Germany 3 – Belgium 2 – Finland 1 – Luxembourg

The “Big Fat 0” award: Spain Honorable Mention: Sweden, Greece Worst Dressed: Switzerland

And here is the overall count of points since beginning these reviews with the ‘80 contest. It’s a best-of-best race, as Germany is now within one point. Israel and Ireland gain some ground, and it will be pretty interesting who we finish out with on top by the end of the decade. How would your rankings look?

1st - 45 – Belgium (1986) 2nd - 44 – Germany (1982, 1983) 3rd - 36 – Israel 4th - 35 – Ireland (1980, 1987) 5th - 31 – Austria 27 – Turkey 24 – Norway (1985) 21 – Portugal 20 – Italy (1984) 20 – Luxembourg 20 – Sweden 18 – Finland 18 – Greece (1981) 17 – France 16 – Spain 14 – United Kingdom 12 – Netherlands 11 – Denmark 11 - Iceland 9 – Croatia 9 – Cyprus 6 – Switzerland

-50SS

#eurovision #esc 1987 #eurovision 1987 #eurovision song contest #hold me now #ireland eurovision #1987

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