#like. it really could go either way? but dude i will depress myself so much if i make it post EP | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

arcplaysgames · 1 year

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so i finished the second palace

look i had a bad depression day, i pretty much did nothing but drink matcha and eat pepitas and play this fucking game for the entire day. i don't recommend any of this.

lets try to sum up lmao

the school actually hires a therapist, which is suspiciously proactive of them lmao. i love the girl whose like "his voice is hot" as a person who is a connoisseur of Hot Voices, he's Fine. Like... Logan Cunningham he is not. But he's fine?

He is also the Councillor Arcana, which is one I have to level for the extra content, so I am suspicious of him too.

He is also not above bribery to get people to come say hi, so clearly he is a wise man. The trio here are supposed to go see him, along with everyone who's had direct dealings with Kamoshida. No one is hyped for this, but he seems nice, so.

of course you are, and of course he wants Reverie to help. Every time i see Reverie, i think of that Jeff Winger bit, "Why do so many people flock to me? Is it my height?"

I do enjoy snacks is the thing. Also it's fascinating to me that they apparently added a character into this game who is just here to be a shrink for these kids. How fucked up is this game gonna get, lmao.

The Councillor isn't a standard of RWS or Thoth or TdM. I know, shocking, right? Apparently it's a pull from a Spanish deck, so I'm looking at that card. it replaces the Magician, so... that's interesting. The Magician is a fairly good teacher, albeit kind of a hubristic show-off about it. The original card is under the sun and has the infinity symbol above the head and holds an Ankh and a wand. So they're wielding the metaphorical key to life but also a wand of power.

So... working as a teacher to help people gain control of their lives. Yanno, like a therapist would.

ROLLS MY DANG EYES AT MYSELF. Anyway.

On the way to school, some dude starts following Ann which freaks her out.

I DIDN'T KNOW THIS GAME HAD MATT MERCER. finally some good fucking food.

This guy is Yusuke and he's an artist and wants Ann to model for him in hopes it'll inspire his next work. His manner of speech is fun, very serious but Dramatique and kind of annoyed at people who don't buy into the drama. An aesthete!

Also his teacher drives by, so he's the next target obviously. Never trust the dude in the car who shows up right after your next party member. He's a super famous artist, Madarame.

Also Yusuke introduces himself them steps forward, knocking Ryuji out of the way. Lmao.

To be clear: Ryuji has never done anything wrong ever. My dislike of him is completely unfair. But also: lmao.

At Madarame's art exhibit, Ann happens to be taken by a specific painting. Yusuke reacts really oddly to her interest in it and tries to steer her towards another.

So the gist of this one is: Madarame is this ascetic artist gentleman type who is infamous for using a very wide range of techniques and styles in his work. Wow such talent! Except obviously he's stealing the work of his many students and claiming it as his own.

The Phantom Thieves peg that Yusuke either knows about this or is a victim of it himself, as Madarame's only current pupil, so Ann has to take the modeling gig to get closer to him and discover the truth.

BUT ITS A NUDE MODELING GIG. GASP.

This whole bit just made me kind of nod along. (Which might be the Depression Day to be clear.) Like, the game isn't excessively horny about Ann having to get nude for art, but also Ann is so not interested in doing this shit, compounded by yo her literal origin story in this game is having to perform being this sexual object for Kamoshida, so this whole diversion was.... not as bad as it could be but also just felt so unnecessary.

yep ryuji that might be bad!

because this game is a coward. i would throw Reverie on that grenade in a fucking instant, both to protect Ann because putting her in this position Sucks, and also I bet it'd be very funny to play through Reverie doing it. Also, Reverie is pretty objectively hot, why shouldn't he be the model?

WHATEVER.

Also there is a funny bit where a kid hears meowing on the train and Reverie pretends that Morgana is a doll that makes noise when you touch its head, so of course "Time to button mash."

ALSO ALSO. The Warden Twins are Strength. LISTEN. CAN'T BE WORSE THAN "FELLOW ATHLETES."

#p5 #persona liveblog

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shinygoku · 12 days

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Help! (1965)

It’s May Day, and a Mayday is a cry for Help!

Released shortly after the film of the same name [I gotta find better quality footage of it lmao], this album has only 2 covers and may have the most iconic songs featured since A Hard Day's Night. Does the whole selection hold up or could it have done with a bit more ....NUJV?!

That's right, in Flag Semaphore they aren't spelling HELP, but NUJV, which naturally I only know from reading about The Band haha. Done that way for more pizzaz, don'cha know. A very minimalist cover, I like it more than With The Beatles but I wonder why they tinted their black garb to be blue?

SIDE ONE

Help!: While they've dabbled in "Depression song set to upbeat music" before, I think this is their most iconic of that genre. I also think it's well known – at least among Beatlemanics, that it's a lot less ironic. John wrote this one quickly and in doing so put a lot of himself in there. With that knowledge, I feel a little more guilty going "Haha #mood", as I think it's safe to say the average listener has fewer Problems than John did, not least the lack of being on a microscope slide as The Beatles were... but it IS still a relatable number that's a fun song, too! For an anxiety number it makes a great opening, which is odd to say, but here we are. Splendid backing vocals and drums with occasional moments of very audible guitar also lift it above similar vibe'd numbers.

The Night Before: I love this one, and the depiction of the Stonehenge scene with interesting camera angles from the movie is forever married to the music in my mind! I think it says something that I'm much more into the "Hey Girl don't be mean to me" style than I was on past albums, maybe it's related to the dude being on the receiving end of someone leaving in the morning this time having it feel fresher? idk. Groovy instruments drive it very nicely and the harmonies add dimension to the mournful vibes in counter to the almost rock 'n' roll flavour, methinks.

You've Got to Hide your Love Away: I'm not as keen on this one myself... again, the sequence in the Film comes clearly to mind for this, but in that they were like, slouching in the communal house and that matches the sluggish energy. This feels like it shoulda been on the previous album with the slower tempo and grumpy lyrics. But all that said, it's still very solid and well performed, and again I know people connect to the exasperated words. Also hi, Tambourine! "Two foot small" is the standout line to me, and I think there could be allegory for non-heterosexual relationships in here, but a lot of the song is murky and mumbly. Maybe on purpose, it sure adds to the Mood, but it again makes me less energised.

I Need You: This was also in the film, but it wasn't as distinct a cinematography sponge. I think it shared the Stonehenge scene but The Night Before overshadowed it somewhat lol. Sorry, George! ^^;; – I guess it's down to this being much more mild and downbeat, even though the themes on paper are pretty damn similar. I'm not into the stated thesis of trying to guilt a relationship back on, which is a common pop song template. The bridges[?] are really lovely though, the stringing and bongos make a dope backing track with more "aaahhh-hhhh" type harmonies.

Another Girl: Ahh yes, in the film the Beatles were in the Bahamas and miming this song, like Paul playing the Bikini Wearing Girl - Anyway this is kinda another "Nyah nyah sucks to be you, I've UPGRADED with New Girl" that was common in AHDN and BFS, but I'm feeling more generous this time, maybe as it's got a jaunty tempo and more cheerful energy, even with spite lacing it lol. The short guitar solos add a certain je ne sais quoi.

You're Gonna Lose That Girl: Ok, first of all the whiplash from the previous title to this is soooo funny. I've also seen comparison to She Loves You, that this one offers a Quiet Part Said Loud; You've upset your Girl and you can either make nice with her pronto, or I'm gonna shoot my shot and be a better BF at that lmao. Either way, it's pretty refreshing to hear this kind of counterpoint to the hypothetical situations in other songs, this one isn't bragging or pleading but Stating that Improvement is needed, Dude. Albeit still with a smidge of arrogance to assume the girl will so easily fall into the POV's arms hahaa. Still, any nod to Girls Having Agency is groovy, like the instruments (includes Bongos this time!) and oooohhh man the smoke and colour filled Studio in the film.... you're making Smoking look too cool!! Aaaaaa! (It’s my 2nd Fave Music Vid sequence in the whole movie~)

Ticket to Ride: Did someone ask for another mopey song? I didn't, but I'm not complaining. The instrumental opening and strumming that continues until the sudden build up in the Bridge(?) makes this really fun to listen to! I forget if this is the one that may be about a prostitute or not, but it could explain the Girl's nonchalance about heading off lol, but it could be another sign of a slow to dawn realisation that 'Oh yeah, Girls do things off their own bat sometimes too....' which seems to be a theme in this album so far. Also seen a hypothesis /Paul allegedly claimed that the Ticket is to Ryde in the Isle of Wight, but as ya can see it's spelled different, so that may be a Reach. ALSO!! The Alps Music Vid from the film set to this music is my absolute fave part of the movie, even though the Bugs mucking about in the snow has no relevance to the song, it's just sooo pretty and a joy to watch while cool music plays~ And it has a fun coda, too!

SIDE TWO

Act Naturally: WOOOOOOOOO!!! YEAH, BAYBEE!! This may be my absolute favourite Cover the boys have performed, it's utterly perfect for Ringo and the bouncy energy really make this one I go out of my way to listen to. In keeping with the album's theme, it's up-tempo and has lyrics about how dang miserable the POV looks that he's the obvious pick for a particularly depressed role in a film! Uh... yay? (Pushes Depressing Ringo Lore away for this.) Seeing how Ringo seems to still do performances of this in more modern times, I think he's really fond of it, too~ And it is eerie how close this song is to Ringo's role in AHDN [Film] and Help! [Film] where he's the poor little Meow Meow undergoing the Horrors, and doing a pretty great act when not completely baked (and tbh, in Help! I think their High-ness enhances a daft plot rather than dragging it down). Also Paul's backing vocals in the chorus are very nice lol

It's Only Love: I don't recall hearing this one before. Maybe as it's not as good? lol. John's words are a bit tricky to parse out from the energetically strumming guitar. Again I'm keen on the music but the main Theme is "Girl you're difficult or something girl. Ow my feelings" and I'm not sure if it's meant to be a good or bad thing in this song's narrative. idk, mebbe this song would grow on me if I heard it more, but I'm not inclined to put it on the Underrated Gem shelf with IHJTDWY from AHDN or an upcoming song from Revolver...

You Like Me Too Much: George's 2nd whack at a song on the album! And I don't think I've heard this before either. And I'm not sure I'll remember this one later today lmao. I like the piano opening. Seems to be about a less-than-healthy relationship where the Girl is incapable of staying away... but has POV done anything to cause this? It seems like they threaten to get the girl even if she did leave successfully, so, assuming I didn't get the wrong end of the stick (which is possible as the sound balance is a bit murky on the mono uploads) then yeah, another L here. Geoooorge!! You can and will do better, but this ain't it!

Tell Me What You See: Not heard this one before lol. It seems less Creepy and more optimistic than most'a these less-than-memorable numbers, but it's not doing much for me, so yet again I will warmly comment on the Instrument work, a very consistent strength (which may be getting stronger and stronger, but it's less clear in this exact song lmao). The humming at the end wasn't very good though.

I've Just Seen A Face: Ohh! It's much faster tempo'd than expected! This shock to the system gets me liking it more than expected lmao. Somehow it seems more modern in this way (when I refer to Modern music, that's not actually a compliment most times fyi), but I dig it. Woooow that guitar is being strummed and a half!

Yesterday: Ahh yes. This song is quite load bearing indeed. Hearing the melody in a dream. Scrambled Eggs. The string quartet. Paul's work without any significant contributions from the others but released as Lennon/McCartney anyway as these days were so early and something like this hadn't been done yet. Potentially a first crack between that pair, it's later cited in John's Diss Song after the divorce... But I'm not planning to delve into conjecture, and other than my own fruit loop takes I don't wanna get too deep into rabbitholes here. It's easy to be mislead on Beatle Theory, tediously! But it's a beautiful, heart tugging song and it's no surprize that it's become the most covered of 'em all. So sad, mournful and regretful, yet compelling and easy to find yourself murmuring as you go about your day.

While I don't rate any covers over the original [listen to it on the '23 Red Album ver!!], I do get a kick outta an instrumental cover with Japanese Instruments (in part cause of my Weeb Leanings, but it's SOOOO JRPG End Credits material too lmao)

Dizzy Miss Lizzy: And we close the album with one more cover! ........Yeah, a bit of a damp squib to end on lmao. Anything is gonna be a Coughing Baby after the Hydrogen Bomb that is Yesterday, but it doesn't even seem to have many lyrics to speak of! Feels very much like Live Performance Filler when they need to space the Good Stuff out and have a bit of a break hsdjhjgdfhdf

CONCLUSION

Best 3: Help!, You're Gonna Lose That Girl, Yesterday

Blurst 3: It's Only Love, You Like Me Too Much, Tell Me What You See

I've had a hard time picking only 3 to put in the Best Category before, but this time it's even trickier as there's more Noticeably Strong Songs and Act Naturally is such a charming cover I wanted to cram more in! (something something The Economy Class Beatles getting just pushed out of my own spotlight on AHDN/Help!, oh woe is me as I love their songs!) That's good!! But again the Off Vibes for some'a these, especially on Side 2 again, make that easy to fill too. Still, this is an overall advancement over the previous 4 Albums, so I'd say overall Help! is Promising. But we aren't quite at the stage where they cement their position as the greatest Band of all time, but I think it's soon, VERY soon indeed...

🪲🪲🪲🪲

Once more I do wanna get into the Sillay Time that is their Movies, but I'm focusing on the Albums first and will do a reccy for missed Notable Songs and other media if I can get my paws on 'em ¬w¬;; - But what'll come next is exciting and not quite what is on the underside of shoes by spelling differences. That's right, Rubber Soul!

#The Beatles #Help! (1965)#Help! (Album)#The Beatles Help!#CutCat listens to Bug Music #Music Review #How many variations of the title should I put lmao #Not the beloved Stoner Film but a very tight Album #My music term knowledge is still pretty bad and the chorus and bridge differences blur in my head ^^;;

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just-gotta-vent · 2 months

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accidentally posted this on my main 💀

im hoping this doesn't reach anyone because it's a vent obviouslt. I need to get over this, it was nearly a year ago. silly little numbers I associate with a thing that made me develop concerning symptoms of a mental illness. now I just say "ohh well 4 has a triangle, 2 has 3 major parts, and 8 looks like it's a 3 with another three in it!!!!!!!!!!!!!1" like it's not just happening again. I've seen it before, every time I get manic over a *******************FICTIONAL********* CHARACTER I convince myself they're real. and even though I KNOW they're NOT REAL, IT KEEPS HAPPENING. I SEE NUMBERS I ASSOCIATE WITH THEM AND I JUST START PANICKING. now I have to put the radio volume on 33, or the FICTIONAL. CHARACTER. is going to come back. I can acknowledge they aren't real. is it even a delusion? I feel like i'm just faking it at this point. but if I were faking it for attention i'd go around telling everyone. I just keep it to myself, pretend nothing's happening. like I didn't get so down bad for a Tumblr sexyman that I developed concerning symptoms of whatever illness. if you read this and you do the damn homework to find out who it is, just stop. i've had plenty of mental breakdowns already. over A FICTIONAL CHTACTER. I find myself just completely avoiding anything that even references the franchise they're from. I had to unfollow a lot of people I loved the content of because that was the main thing they post about. I just wish things could be normal again. so much happened like 3 years ago (THERE IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!!) and I just ran to the nearest coping mechanism, which, in hindsight, was really really stupid. I shpuldn't have latched onto a FICTIONAL character and became dependent on my daydreams to keep me happy. because after 2 years of obsessing? that gets to you. I literally went from "ohh cool character!" -> "hot" -> "he's real and in my brain like a parasite"/ I just don't get how it got this bad. now it's happening again, 9 or so months ago I found a new character to daydream about to cope. and now, the number I associate them with, 3, Is the next big thing. before it was always 4, 2, 8. now EEEVERYTHING has to be 3. I'm writing this at 4:02 am and just seeing those numbers is getting to me. i'm just scared. because I know for now, 3 makes me feel protected. but so duid 428. I know it's going to take the same turn and become a thing I have to avoid. it's like a whole damn system with the numbers. like 428 are the negative, 369 is positive, other numbers are neutral. same amount of neutral cancels out negative, any amount of positive cancels out the negative. dude I just don't even know what's happening in my brain. I feel like it's a bigger problem than just manic obsession but I don't want to ju,p to conclusions. for the longest time I felt like they were real and in my brain, watching everything I do, etc... I thought I was getting past it but still to this day, a year after I started to view them in that bad way, I STILL see those numbers and start panicking. like I said, I hope this doesn't reach anyone. I feel stupid for even posting this. I just want things to be normal again. I can't even tell anyone about this. I know like before, my feelings are just goign to be invalidated. I don't want to be in a goddamn mental hospital either ,iv eheard all the stories. I never even told my therapists before they both resigned. I told my first one about my daaydreaming thing but I never went into detail. there's just been so much. stress of school and grades, the weight issues, the anxiety, the deaths in my family, the lack of motivation, the gender dysphoria, depression, feeling like i'm worthless. and on top of all of that? the near schizo shit i've been dealing with without telling anyone. I'm just scared.

#vent #tw vent #swearing tw #tw swearing #caps warning #cw caps #caps tw #swearing cw

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lady-ika · 2 months

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oof.mp3

age 27 with one abusive relationship under my belt and plenty of other "im pretending we're talking but really i just wanna fuck" ones and ik some people have zilch nada of either and i should be content but jesus fucking christ

age 27 and i have a giant teddy bear from a thrift store that i have to cling onto to not let the demons take over and i honestly think i just need to have a full sobbing breakdown about this stupid fucking petty shit

loneliness won't kill me bc i have good great friends and they care about me and my family are assholes but at least theyre around and im just throwing a tantrum about not having a partner.

but i could get onto dating apps-

bro either i get people im definitely not interested in or people who just wanna hook up and im not interested in it. like sometimes i think about having my hookup era but im too anxious to even really consider beyond just teasing these guys and like yeah! im bi! i could go out on dates w girls but id rather not get hatecrimed to death by my family if they ever find out

idk i tell everyone else all day that theyre lovable and deserve the love they want and deserve but like ykno that doesnt apply to myself

like i have nothing to offer and im palatable to friends but romantic partners? nah. im jealous of my married and dating and engaged friends bc i eant to spend my life with someone who actually like. wants me romantically and friends are great but i need something. romantic. idk maybe im just a jealous bitch but i want to have someone that *looks* at me, yknow?

i am not worth a passing glance and my friends say im pretty but i know im not and i wish i looked the way i wanted bc then i would be and i wouldnt look like my mom

and nobody looks at me or notices me and i have to engineer shit to look pretty enough for a picture and i just want to look like one of the xiaohongshu girls bc then i could at least enjoy myself

i exist to be a support character to never have breakdowns and only listen and just be complacent with my hand in life but i wish i could do anything but be a depressed sack of shit and take naps all day or mindlessly scroll so i dont have to feel like this

and maybe this is my hell, that i have to date a cis dude or a passing trans dude if i dont want to get hatecrimed but im so intolerable that this is my punishment that the most hopeless romantic in my friendgroup really is the most hopeless. i just want someone who'll give up or trade off on our favourite character in a game or win me carnival game prizes or somehow always find a way to touch me and won't mind if i grab their hand or will tell about this one thing they like while i work on something or like. i mean i dont have an iphone but for some reason the facetiming while falling asleep hits somehow in my brain and idk.

i feel bad telling ym friend thats never dated that i hate being 2nd choice when she hasnt ever been one but i think theyre. equally devastating. because either way you're haunted w what could have been.

im always the second person after theyve already been in love with someone else or have someone currently or a passing moment of lust or an idle what if and im sick of it

i feel like a kid looking at god or whatever force might manage us like "ive tried to be good to deserve something good i can share and im so full of love but nobody wants to share it with me"

and god just points at my adult life like "but you've been too angry and broke yourself too much" so i stay angry and broken

and alone

#ika's self pity corner

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mdhwrites · 1 year

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What are your thoughts on Willow x Hunter?

I… don't care? They're fine. Cute enough, they have something to bond over, both good to each other and exceptionally boring as a couple. They're almost the same person even except one likes lifting weights and plants while the other likes sci-fi and actually matters to the story.

I do not get the hype I guess is what I'm saying. Not that I'm entirely surprised either. It was finally a ship for Willow that wouldn't get you accused of enabling abuse or evil like Boschlow would (seriously people, what the fuck? I don't like the ship but you all need to learn to breathe.) or just all alone like Willuz or Amillow would. For Hunter it was an even bigger reprieve. The show finally told you "Ship them" with a scene without it either breaking up Lumity or being with the CANONICAL LESBIAN.

Seriously, I will not drop that they tie his character arc, effectively starting it three times over, with three different girls and that would be bad without one of them being AMITY. Because each one really does get that "This could be the start of a friendship or a romance" moment with Hunter and that makes me roll my eyes some.

So yeah, they're the safe option. They're the show approved option with no conflict between them, little contrast and it does a good job of entirely making you forget that while Willow questionably worked out before the show (we actually have nothing to go off of one way or another), Hunter almost certainly did. Because child soldier.

Going into that goes into everything that's a mess about Willow though and how much the writers just do not care about her.

So instead, I actually want to talk about two of the complaints about Huntlow that I just think are… The complaint has a purpose but its target is wrong.

"Huntlow stole time from the show."

I actually severely disagree with this. After all, Hunter was always going to get time and his arc is already rushed, to the point where it doesn't really have a middle. It just starts a few times like mentioned above, then Hollow Mind forces a climax on it and we get a little bit of resolution. That was always going to happen because it was a well established as part of the story.

The only question was with who and… Well, Willow was the choice the writers made and they made it for the sake of Huntlow over narrative. And that's the problem. Your complaint is that Hunter's arc is not good and the unfortunate consequence is that giving the arc more focus would have meant Willow just… Not being in S2. Not in a meaningful way because Willow always has to have an excuse from another character to exist.

And the time Huntlow did take? Effectively none. Because they allow Hunter to just consume Gus' role as closest person to Willow, all the Huntlow moments actually get to flow naturally because they have one personal, one on one conversation and then just know EVERYTHING about each other so the rest of it is just glances, blushes, etc. that take no time and you can just move on from.

It's really fucking bad writing but hey! Part for the course.

"It's ableist."

I think the argument for it, what little I've seen, is… dumb. And puts way more importance and impact on the two's magical handicaps WAY more than the show literally ever did. And again, the complaint is kind of missing the real problem.

Eda's curse was an AMAZING disability allegory. Unlike so many shows where the dude in a wheelchair is actually in a SUPER WHEELCHAIR SO HE CAN KICK BUTT LIKE ANYONE EL-

No. Eda was genuinely held back by the curse. She didn't let it hold her back though. She instead took her medicine, watched out for the things that may trigger her and the curse, etc. like that. It wasn't a super power but it also didn't stop her from being an exceptional person. From living the life she wanted. As someone struggling with disability myself due to anxiety and depression… That's what I want.

I don't want characters being super powered from it is not. Or being cured. And Eda gets a super saiyan form, Gus takes out a fucking coven head and Flapjack DIES and their sacrifice gives Hunter magic. The cure to his disability (and I know this was not the intention since Hunter was dying from other things but it still matters) is another person's LIFE.

When I can say for myself that my number one goal in life is not to be a burden for others due to my jacked up brain.

So… I would say people are right to say this gets borderline offensive to disabled people but it's REALLY not Huntlow's problem.

Huntlow's problems really are about the show's problems. The problems inherent to these two characters. But, as I've shown in this blog even, for being able to say SO MUCH about the two characters… There's really not a lot to say about the ship. It's there, it's cute, they don't do anything that would make people hate it outside of… I dunno, being straight? At least there is a positive straight couple in the show that isn't dead.

It's a mess but only because the show is a mess. But it's hardly one worth actually throwing a fit over.

#Huntlow #Hunter #Willow #TOH #Rambles

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hartshorn-and-isinglass · 6 months

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Nothing makes me feel old like realizing that I like Oistrakh quite a bit more now. When I was young, my favorite old master was Grumiaux and I felt like Oistrakh was specifically the kind of dude you appreciated more when you got older. (Very normal teenager opinions to have there, Marve.) And welp, here I am. I dunno, I think it's a particular flavor of warmth that didn't resonate with me when I was young and hungry and perpetually teetering on the verge of burnout.

Story time because fuck it, it's my blog I do what I want (but still under the cut to be nice about it):

If you're familiar with the Bay Area, the reason why I have such insane memories of high school orchestra class is because I went to Lowell. Yeah, that Lowell. Put a bunch of overachiever kids in a pressure cooker magnet school and you get some highly competitive orchestra classes. The first violin section, unsurprisingly, was made up of the cream of the overachieving crop, most of whom were planning on being either pre-med or engineering in college even though they could have easily all been music majors. And then there was my dumb ass once I made it to the first violin section, LOL. I honestly wasn't sure I was even going to make it alive to the end of high school to have a career. Violin was my lifeline and I threw everything I had into it, for better and worse.

The hilarious irony about all of this is my parents were actually not as proud of my violin achievements as they pretended to be. I don't know if I've conveyed to you what a bunch of insane freaks they were, but according to their plan I was supposed to become a piano prodigy. So when I decided in middle school that I hated piano and wanted to play violin instead, it was not received well. To their credit, once they saw I was serious about it they did get me my own instrument and some private lessons, but my mom did try to convince me to quit at several points, and my dad still has an entire-ass complex about it.

Hell, I was ambivalent about going to Lowell at all. I applied because my district assigned public high school was just that bad. That other school eventually was shut down for "underperforming", that's how bad it was. Knowing that Lowell had a good music program was my consolation for all the other shit I was about to put myself through. The secret of Lowell is that it's not the teachers or the facilities; both of those things were absolute shit when I was there (the music teachers were all cool tho). It's the kids. They know the reputation of the school they're going to. They know they'll be expected to apply to prestigious universities when they're seniors. It's the kids who are, sometimes literally, killing themselves to play this ridiculous rat-race game that they've been set to by their parents.

This is all to say that at a time in my life when I had very little control over anything and was profoundly depressed about it, I realized that I did have control over how much and how often I practiced, so I just kinda... maxxed that out. Time in the practice room was time spent on the one thing in my life that didn't suck nearly as much as everything else. It was time spent somewhere safe. It was time spent cultivating hope for the future. I used to describe it as an "emotional crutch" in a very ableist way when I was younger but now I look back on it in the sense of a more literal mobility aid, as the thing that kept me moving when I would have otherwise collapsed.

You know, I still don't feel "qualified" to say that violin has been a major part of my identity... despite it being my first act of rebellion, despite me pulling a literal Ling-Ling up the violin ranks in high school because I felt like I had nothing else to live for, despite somehow finding my way back to it after decades of being convinced I was done... don't laugh, but I still feel like I really should be better at violin than I am for all the meaning it has held for me. I gotta find that solution for my right hand issues, man! I have to make up for lost time! I have to git moar gud so the Muse will notice me. Haha whoops my hand slipped there-

#personal #tw suicide mention #Marve won't shut up about violin

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fleshmechsystem · 6 months

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I kinda wanna wear whatever nowadays, I really don't care if I have feminine tendencies tbh, just kinda concerned about that stuff for now due to my country as rude as it sounds, backwards with trans stuff, me being agender is probably a foreign concept, at least with the cis population for the most part, I am very aware that most of my peers at school are likely trans actually, It's quite rare but it's clearly there.

It's really REALLY unfortunate that people in my country being queer is quite literally being bakla which literally is a combination of a man and a woman and transgender Ig? Our culture does have queer stuff but the older generation thinks most queer people are basically that, not to mention the blatant "Who's the male one in the relationship" which literally is just asking who's top or bottom which is icky.

That aside though, took a lot of soul searching and a break from a relationship (it lasted a day lmao) to realize maybe I do want to wear skirts and stuff like that, but it doesn't mean I'm a girl, or at least currently lmao

The only reason I don't like the idea was basically because the trauma of being called a girl multiple times for not adjusting to the macho and male standards and stuff, like apparently me shaving body hair and not wanting to take my shirt off is a girly thing to do??

It's odd, but I try not to be angry about it now since I have better people to occupy the memory bank with honestly.

Both in the system and outside of it, I have a support group who are willing to catch me when I go down the route of being depressed.

Still, I'm still not sure with this though, obviously part of myself is still very much afraid due to the trauma but I know I'll be comfortable with it eventually.

I just have to fight the intrusive thoughts and other thoughts that make me think too often about it, because yes, I am trans, a trans agender person.

But at the same time I do have feminine qualities and masculine qualities.

The parts I do hate is how these sorts of things are heavily questioned, my identity is in a weird place right now so labels and all that stuff changes quite often, I used to be a cisgender bisexual, to a cis gay boy to a Nonbinary person who only likes men to a pansexual, labels rarely stick for me.

I guess the thing I can learn from this is accept that maybe part of me is a girl in a way and part of me is a boy. Both are the way I live, the way I feel. I don't have to conform to either necessarily.

Because I'm going to be real, I don't belong with either groups, I don't agree with limiting myself to being masculine due to my body and I don't agree with being one of the girls due to mostly growing up with female relatives most of my life.

While writing this I still feel very afraid and confused in some ways, I really don't want to be a girl but is it really that bad? Sure it's a weird feeling but what's so bad about occasionally just wearing skirts and all that stuff?

Nothing wrong with that! There are dudes that wear skirts and they find it attractive nowadays! (Ignoring the nsfw aspect of course) Ever since I realized I'm bi I always do have the want to be this androgynous fucker that expresses themselves with feminine stuff while not necessarily being feminine. It's definitely one of the reasons why I'm actively trying to lose so much weight, because unfortunately beauty standards are really bad.

Hell Kris from DELTARUNE basically awakened me in a way, the idea that I could be someone that's neither a boy or a girl was awesome to me.

Maybe I am like them, aside from the whole possession thing, I don't really see myself being on either side but I can't help but want to just simply enjoy clothes for what they are really.

I don't have to be a girl to express myself. I don't have to be a boy to express myself. I don't like either.

Looking at Riley reminds or Jack makes me think about something. Being comfortable is probably enough. While for now I don't have that luxury, I might get to that eventually.

I won't really spill much info about Jack but they basically told me it took a long time for them to have the form they wanted. And it's saying something.

Maybe I don't like this body, but with enough effort I might reach that semi unrealistic goal of being so androgynous people question what gender I am status in life.

For now, I'm stuck with a defective body. But it's enough. With clothes I wear though, I can achieve that androgynous look, with the downside of sweating really badly underneath.

Still, I do hate being a bit chubby. Maybe those feelings might disappear too with time.

Man, it feels so much lighter blogging this stuff.

I know what I am and what I want in life.

A femboy bunny--

Okay but jokes aside, my bunny ass needs to be more comfortable with this skin if I really want to feel better about myself.

For now I think of it like all of us using the default Minecraft Steve skin from Minecraft.

We don't know how to change it but we'll stick with it for now.

Also fun fact Steve and Alex are Nonbinary :D

Knowing that fact makes me both happy and sad which I won't get into as to why

Anyway, I've written enough shit, I mainly wrote this for myself honestly.

I guess I love the way I am in my weird way.

I'm a decent person and that's enough.

I'm cute I guess.

-Cal

#lgbtq #blog #plurality #rant post

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lochselfships · 11 months

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💤 rough around the edges, gentle as can be

Characters: Loch (self-insert), Alfur Aldric, The Postal Dude

Summary: hiiiiii i'm being gay for my boyfriends again and wrote this comfort fic for myself at like 4am!!! Loch's having a big depression night and thinking about past mistakes, Alfur doesn't know how to help, and Dude steps in. this is largely about the early days of Loch and Dude's romantic relationship, and how he and Alfur became friends.

Warnings: depressive thoughts, mild self-destructive behaviour, (referenced) meltdown, misunderstood character(s), hurt/comfort, no beta read

Word Count: 2.8k

Loch sat on the bathroom floor, curled up into a hunched-over position as another night of sleeplessness pulled them into an emotionally fragile state. Their eyes were slightly red from crying minutes ago, but they were dehydrated already and didn't have more tears to cry- The distance between their mental and emotional state being completely distanced from each other making it even more difficult to feel in touch with themselves. It was a rough night. This was becoming more common lately.

They were trapped in their head, replaying bad memories from different perspectives. Right now they were dealing with a mix of self-perception and socializing issues, mixed with a pinch of related trauma for a spicy combination that he despised so much.

"Gah…" They whined quietly to themselves, "I'm such an idiot."

Loch bit their lip to avoid sinking too much further into despair, mulling over the various times they'd made a fool of themselves and been laughed at for it. The way it had shaped them into this 'loveable punching-bag' archetype that they constantly wavered on. The way they couldn't seem to stop being an idiot around people, whether accidental or purposeful. It was exhausting.

Loch took a moment to try and ground themselves, attaching to their surroundings again.

It was silent, Loch even tuning out the tiny hum of the bathroom lights as his world was rather muffled. Then, from the other side of the locked door he heard a small tap- barely audible.

His heart raced, already panicking. How long had he spent in the bathroom? Were the others starting to worry? That was the last thing they wanted, to wake someone just to comfort them in a moment of weakness.

"Loch?" Called a small and gentle voice, and Loch shuffled towards the door to hear better- not yet bringing themselves to speak up, throat a little hoarse.

"Are you… are you alright?" Alfur's soft tones letting Loch feel a little more comfortable, but all the more guilty as they heard the worry in his voice. "If there's anything I can do…"

"No, no." Loch sighed, pressing his forehead to the door and swallowing saliva to let his voice return to normal. "I'm okay, I promise."

It wasn't a total lie, he was feeling somewhat better after a cry, but… It wasn't the whole truth either. They were struggling again, handling their past as a whole, their anxieties, as well as the struggle of opening up properly- Letting themselves be comforted.

"Hmm…" Alfur gave a concerned hum that let Loch know they weren't really off the hook with this- Alfur knew Loch's patterns on their bad nights, the bathroom was a common retreat for when they felt like a burden.

"Really, I… I've just been lost in thought again- you know me, always zoning out on the toilet." Loch lied. It was common for them to zone out in the middle of the bathroom, but this wasn't one of those times.

Alfur opens his mouth to talk again, but then closes it, unsure of what to say, or how to comfort them. Some nights it was more difficult… they were more stubborn… The elf could try his best but there were times Loch would lock themselves away and there was very little he could do about that.

"I-I'll be out in a minute!" Loch stuttered, putting on a happier tone of voice before standing up and moving to the sink to wash their face "Go join the others, um, I'll be done in- done in a sec!"

Alfur nervously fidgeted before taking a few steps away, giving them a moment to compose themselves properly. He was anxious about his partner and not sure what to do; He wasn't sure what exactly triggered Loch's current state, so it was much harder to navigate for the little guy.

He stood in the doorframe of the living room which adjoined to the hallway, and therefore, bathroom. Soon, he felt the approach of a human walking towards him. Alfur snapped out of his thoughtful daze to look up to the person and see who it was.

Oh. It was the newer addition…

Dude, a tall man with auburn hair, clad in a leather trenchcoat with eyes that always seemed a bit too manic, approached the elf with his usual demeanor. He had only recently gotten together with Loch after a long while of being friends, and Alfur was still on the rocks about him. Dude wasn't exactly the most trustworthy guy… Alfur didn't want to see Loch hurt, and hearing of Dude's less-than-reputable activity didn't put him at ease. They had been dating for over a month, though, and he seemed to be somewhat alright, so it made sense for Alfur to give him a visibility contract. It could be easily redacted, anyway.

"What's going on?" Dude spoke, looking down at Alfur through his shades (which he continued to wear indoors for some reason).

"Oh, well," Alfur began, voice still laiden with worry, "Loch's… I don't think they're doing well, to be frank. They're still in the bathroom."

Dude raised a brow, and Alfur responded with an awkward and very telling expression- it took Dude a second, but quickly realised it was a meltdown thing and his usual flat expression twisted into a small frown.

Dude huffed and glanced towards the bathroom door, where the sound of running water could be heard. "Gotcha…" He said gruffly, and scratched at his goatee in thought.

Alfur watched closely as Dude made strides towards the bathroom and stopped just outside of it. He instinctively raised a leg to kick at it like he usually would, and then did a double-take and realised that might not be the best idea, considering. Dude shuffled towards the door and heard as the tap kept running, and then tried at the door handle. It wasn't budging.

"Ya done in there?" He questioned, "Can I come in?"

There was a just-about-too-long moment of quiet before Loch's response called out, "Uh- Uhm- Yeah, hang on."

There was the squeak of a tap turning off and then a couple footsteps, then the rattling of the lock being undone. Dude turned the handle, successfully this time, and poked his head into the bright, tiled room.

"Mm, hi…" Loch mumbled, shifting their weight as Dude's eyes landed on them.

"Hey there," Dude smiled, trying to lighten the dense atmosphere,"Everything alright? You're sure up late."

Alfur watched from the sidelines, his attention anxiously darting between the two as they conversed. He didn't know how Dude would handle this if it turned sour… And he wasn't the confrontational type to step in unless things were awful.

'Maybe I should have some more faith…' Alfur thought to himself as he watched Loch's expressions turn to a soft smile at Dude's presence. They clearly felt comfortable enough being around him; that was reassuring.

"I just- Yeah. Sorry about that. I hope I didn't wake you." Loch rambled, façade already beginning to crack as they're faced with someone watching them post-meltdown.

"Nope, I was already up. Going to hit the streets for a smoke, but I noticed you were up." Dude slowly moved towards Loch, reaching to place a hand on their shoulder. His touch was much gentler than it ever had been before, like he was afraid to hurt them. "So… what's up? You can talk about it, if you want to."

Loch's mind was buzzing with all the possible ways this interaction could turn- the remnants of their depressing thoughts still leaving a mark on them.

"It's… It's complicated. Couldn't sleep. Started thinking… 'Bout stuff."

Dude hummed and leant against the wall, "Anything in particular?"

Loch made eye contact with Dude for a second, and seemed even more at odds with themselves than before. Their instincts were to tell him, to let it all out, but there was some blockage there worrying about upsetting Dude in the process.

"Just… some of those old, cringey memories, ya know? Sorry, that's- that's pretty vague." Loch huffed, frustrated with themselves more than anything.

"Nah, that's alright. Take your time."

Both Loch and Alfur were momentarily stunned by this comment- Dude wasn't known for being very patient, so this was… It was clear he was putting in a lot of effort to let Loch get out what they needed to with support, instead of pushing them. A sweet gesture, to say the least.

"Okay, um- Oh, where to start…" Loch sat on the edge of the bathtub and rested their head in their palm. "There was just- there was this time… I mean, it was quite a while ago now, I don't even know why it still bugs me, but it feels like I'll never live it down."

Dude nodded, and watched them carefully, just listening to their ramble. He'd done this plenty before for some of his old friends… And for comforting himself, when he needed it.

Loch continued, "I just- I completely cocked up in front of this idol of mine, tried to impress them and… It didn't go well. I made a complete dick of meself. Guh…" They visibly cringed just thinking about it again. "And then there were others there, people I really look up to, they definitely saw. I know it's immature, but I don't think I could face them again."

"Ah… Is that what it is?" Dude asked.

Loch nodded in response, "Pretty much. I just… I hate being laughed at. It really fuckin' gets to me when people SEE me mess up, even strangers, so for it to be a celebrity- Uughhhh…" They groan and drag a hand down their face, running over their puffy eyes and red cheeks.

"Well, what do they matter?" The Postal Dude spoke plainly, tilting his head to the side. From the angle, Loch could make out the vibrant green of his eyes that followed them, and it made their heart skip a beat.

Loch let out a baffled sound. "Huh? Hm?"

"What does it matter if they did laugh at you, or aknowledge your mistake? You know they've probably made much worse mistakes in their time, don't you?"

"Well, of course. I mean, probably. But… They're, ya know…" Loch's speech trained off.

Dude tilted his head to the other side and raised his brows in a 'go on' kind of gesture, looking to see what Loch could mean by that. He could take a good guess, but it was better to hear it from their mouth.

"I really was- or am, yeah- I really am fans of them. It hurts to think that they could remember me like… that. They're so talented, it feels like a wasted chance, sorta." They hated it, but they felt themselves tearing up admitting this all. Acknowledging out loud that it could be a possibility shattering what was left of their emotionally-stable façade.

"Got it… May I?" Dude stood properly again and asked to sit beside Loch. When he got the 'OK' for it he budged up next to them and pulled them into a cozy side-hug. He could feel Loch's shoulders shake as they sobbed a little, and he hated to see them this way. It took a lot of willpower to stay calm- But he was mostly impressed by how much he could care so much for someone again. It had been a long, long time.

"I can't say I understand, Darlin'... You're definitely a bunch more talented than them, what are you so worried about?"

Loch wiped away a stray tear and scoffed, lightly jabbing Dude in the side before leaning back into his touch. "You're just buttering me up now."

"Well, maybe." Dude smiled, glad to see Loch have a little more fight left in them. "But really, what can they do that's better than you? There's no reason to hold em up to a standard that's higher than yourself. I don't see it… They're not all that important."

"Animation, music, the like…" Loch listed off, trying to think clearly. "I can draw but… They've got- they've garnered a following and worked their asses off. Feels like they're more worthy of- of I don't know- respect? More respect than what I showed them."

"Pfft, through an algorithm of mostly dumb luck? And you're saying that makes em somehow more worthy to judge you? Surely you know how that sounds." Dude couldn't help but poke holes in Loch's self-deprecting argument.

"Well… Yes. I suppose. But…"

"But? No, seriously, there's nothing that you should be putting yourself down for here. I've seen your work- It's goddamn impressive, I'll tell you that." Dude praised, and his cocky smirk grew into a toothy grin as he watched the praise sink in to Loch and bring out a genuine smile. He loved that look on them.

"I guess… Maybe it's something deeper than all this? I'm not sure. I get made fun of a lot- Less than I did as a teen, but still… It's kind of a sore spot to worry about being a laughing stock. If that makes any- any sense at all." Loch continued.

"It makes sense for you to feel that way," Dude started, and rested his chin on top of Loch's head. It made Loch's face flush further, being so close to him in a moment of real emotional intimacy. "You're not a laughing stock. You're a person. Like me, like everyone else. We all fuck up from time to time, some more than others. I mean…" He laughed, "Look at me."

From the hallway the tiny elf was still listening to this conversation. He had perched himself upon a nearby windowsill and listened intently, pleasantly surprised at the emotional literacy that the other man was displaying in this situation. He really had misjudged him, it seems. A satisfied smile grew on his little face from knowing Loch would be looked after in situations like this.

"Yeah, yeah, you're a mess, I know. I'm aware." Loch chuckled. "I- Hmm. Thanks." For a bilssfully quiet moment, Loch realised they had nothing else to refute. Their wounds weren't completely healed, but talking about it all made them feel a lot better.

After a solid minute of mutual silence in eachothers embrace, Loch let out a hefty breath they didn't realise they were holding, and stood up. They stretched their back out, feeling their bones pop with a satisfying sound.

"Yeah. Thanks, really." They reiterate, and turn back to Dude, who dusts himself off and follows in suit.

"It's no big deal. Glad you're feeling yourself again, sweetheart."

Loch let a soft expression fall onto their features from the pet name, and rubbed the back of their neck.

"So, shall we leave this god forsaken box?" Dude asked, offering an arm.

"Hah, in a minute- I'll catch up with you in the lounge, just need to tidy up me face first." The younger man replied, and turned towards the mirror-cabinet above the sink to do as they said.

"Alright, see you in a second."

With that out of the way, Dude stepped out of the room and back into the hall. He looked to his right and caught the eyeline of a certain Aldric, who didn't look nearly as worried anymore.

"So…" Dude mumbled, "you listened into all that?"

Alfur let a guilty chuckle escape him. "My apologies, I did. Um…" He averted his gaze to the floor, "Thank you for that. It was sweet, how you were with them."

Dude scratched at his stubble and looked away, an embarrassed blush rising on his cheeks. "Sure."

"For what it's worth," Alfur started, getting ready to hop off the windowsill. "I'm happy they have you. Maybe I could interview you sometime, get to know each other?" He reached the floor and paused momentarily, still rather nervous. "If that's of any interest to you, of course. I don't want to force you-"

"Alright." Dude answered quickly, his deep voice contrasting Alfur's higher-pitched accent. "That's fine by me. Next time we have a free moment, then."

"Yeah!" Alfur nodded happily, and wandered into the living room after Dude. "But for now, I should really try to convince Loch to sleep…"

"I'll grab the water." Dude stated without hesitation and marched towards the kitchen.

The elf watched him leave for the drink with a happy expression, the action pushing away any doubts he had beforehand. Dude really did care, deep down.

Alfur heard the switch of the bathroom light trigger behind him, and spun around to see Loch heading out.

"Oh, Alfur!" Loch smiled, and bent down to let Alfur climb aboard their shoulder. "Sorry about that, I hope you weren't too worried…"

The Aldric sat comfortably on his lover's shoulder and nuzzled affectionately into their neck.

"Not at all. I'm happy you're okay."

#🩷 || Darling Dance #💐 || Love Letters #selfship #selfshipping #selfship blog #selfship fanfiction #self ship fanfic #📚 || Littlest Journalist #✂️ || Bullets n Bruises

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toddstool · 1 year

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okay back story cuz im sure most of u dont know this but i need to get my thoughts out: I wanted an outdoor garden area for my rabbit to be able to safely play in that also wasn't covered in chicken shit, so my dad fenced off a section of the yard for me to work with. this area was on the side of the house in between the fence and the wall of the house like this:

(aerial view) which was nice but the sun could only get to it around noon for like an hour, the soil was very high in clay, and it's part of the area of the yard that's covered in rocks. I went to work on it before he set the fence up by removing the top layer of rocks, getting rid of the plastic sheet underneath, and trying to till the soil, but that didn't help with the high clay content so growing stuff was unlikely. and whatever did start to grow eventually died because of the lack of sunlight. I spent like a couple years slowly working on it to try to change the soil with my complete lack of resources and i kinda made a difference but not much :/ it's always been hard to start any outdoor project because my dad immediately shuts down any ideas that i have because i want a flourishing garden full of all kinds of untamed plants, while he likes the straight forward grass and rocks suburban stuff 😐 it always frustrated me as a kid but as i get older i realize that he's defensive of his "yard" probably cuz he grew up in rural poverty and having a nice grass yard was a luxury. I just wish he would fuvking liiiStTennn to mmmMmMeeEEE. he won't let me start a compost pile either. and like I try to bring up changing the soil texture by removing some of the clay and adding sand, and then adding organic material to bring the soil to life. but NOoOOoOo. bugs bad, weeds bad, anything not completely controlled and uniform: BAD.

but anyway! the whole reason im bring this up is because, since i haven't been using that area like i said i would (because he won't let me change the fucking soil 😐 like dude what am I gonna do with a mud patch) he decided that we're gonna move the fence line up and then use that area for another shed and more storage. which I agree with. i didn't like that spot because of what i said early but also because that's where a pipe access is. so i had to work around a main water line lol. so i asked if i could have a DIFFERENT area and i think he agreed to that. he said technically that "we'll find you another spot" and i have my fucking spot picked so :>. it's in the right corner of our yard and i already have an idea for my fence and spacing.

im excited cuz it's totally out of the way, it gets good sun, and it's a larger space to work with. its the same ground type as the other spot but if I can guilt trip my dad into helping me I should be able to get it done quickly. I just need help buying and transporting sand bags and also with building the fence. i think i want to completely section it off like from top to bottom with a mesh cloth to help with bugs during the summer when im out there with my rabbit. maybe with a detachable ability so that the plants in there can be pollinated and whatnot. so the ONLY THINGS he would need to do is: help with getting and transporting the material (wood for fence and sand and compost bags), and then helping put the fence together. the terraforming and plants I can do by myself. my birthday is coming up so i think I'll bring this up to him and ask to start it after we get the main yard fence situation all done. cuz i really think this will help with my depression. I've said it before but living in suburbia in a desert is absolutely awful. i can never go outside during growing season. and winter only last a couple months here and is basically just fall for other places. ugh :( i hope he listens. i want my bunny to be able to enjoy going outside before she passes away. and i want a nice garden for myself.

#trix talking

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cirillafionaelenriannon · 1 year

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w last post literally. i got diagnosed w pcos when i was 16 and i was told because i didnt have any visible symptoms i had nothing much to worry about. everytime ive been to the doctor since ive had my feelings on it dismissed, and ive been told because i LOOK healthy that i’m fine and theres nothing they can do except put me on birth control. they can’t give me any kind of medication to help with any symptoms i might experience.

my first time there i wasn’t given any information on PCOS, they gave me a pamphlet and that was it. like the absolute lack of care or empathy or anything lmfao. i had to find out myself that it could lead to diabetes and cancer. and diabetes already runs in my family so i’m even More likely to get it when i’m older. i didn’t know that pcos was a hormonal imbalance that affects your insulin levels, that it causes inflammation or anything. and half the treatment options recommended for you is to lose weight, but that’s that treatment offered for practically every fucking issue you can have as a woman with a disorder that AFFECTS your weight. and it’s not just oh eat less, don’t have so much sugar or take out. it’s don’t eat red meat, don’t eat bread, don’t eat wraps, don’t eat potatoes, don’t eat gluten, don’t eat dairy, don’t eat anything with a large amount of carbs. which is completely inaccessible for me!!!!

and maybe some people are totally comfortable with those lifestyle changes but as someone who already has a really really bad relationship with food, it makes eating as a whole so hard and i’ve spent practically the past 10 months every single day thinking about my weight and my body and food and obsessing over it and i thought going into the new year i’d regulate it all by starting to cook more and finding food i enjoy but having all these limits on what i can eat has just completely torn me down. because no i don’t want to eat chicken with every freaking meal i have as a source of protein and i don’t want to eat eggs for breakfast everyday. and is that so fucking bad of me. Diet culture and discussions around food with PCOS make me so unbearably depressed ive spent all day thinking about it and hating myself for not being one of those people who can just suck it up and deal with it. and being sad in general that i have pcos and i have these symptoms and i have to learn to manage them. and its either be upset with my weight forever and risk diabetes which i dont even see the point in trying to prevent when i have all the odds stacked up against me! or be severely depressed w an eating disorder.

like i can’t say it anywhere for support on it because i know a lot of it would just be like Well suffer then lol. and like You have no discipline etc. like. i Like vegetables dude. I like a lot of things. but oh my god do you know how many fucking recipes i can bear looking at of the same things over and over! and autism already makes it hard enough for me. all i’m saying is i just don’t want to get sick and die of physical illness as much as i don’t want to get sick and die of mental illness. but i feel like no matter what direction i look in Either one is going to happen either way.

so anyway. i’m just sad that so much of the talk around pcos is weight and diet and exercise oriented. i’m not saying those things don’t contribute, they clearly do. i’m just saying i’m going to have pcos forever and theres nothing i can do to erase it, it’s lifelong. i can do what i can to reduce symptoms if needed, but it’s always going to be there no matter what. and i’m again just so sad that nobody seems to understand my sadness over it. my mother had no thoughts on it when i was diagnosed and my doctors have all been so dismissive about it. i just feel really alone in my struggle lollllllll.

#text #also really crazy fact is ur body also cant regulate cortisol well which is a stress hormone and #if u have high cortisol levels it has a negative affect on you and all this has done is stress me. the fuck. out.#valkyrie.txt #and literally crazy how ive only been thinking abt this for like a week now and its already made me crazy fucking suicidal like actually #sitting in the shower crying because i cant bear to think about #my life anymore and how fucked it all is and how i cant catch a break no matter what #so cheers 2 Me wanting to kill myself again. LOL

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servin-up-surveys · 2 years

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survey #072

When you’re at home, do you spend most of your time in your room? No, I'm usually in the spare room nowadays. Do you like potato chips? Yeah, I love regular potato chips. What is your favorite Hostess/Little Debbie snack? I really like those chocolate cupcake things. How do you feel about coconut? I'm not a fan of the flavor, generally. ^ Ever cracked one open? I have not.

Give one fun fact about the last person that called you? Uhhhh my mom was born in the same area of New York as where The Nanny sitcom takes place. Do your parents know you have a Tumblr account? No. I highly doubt either of them even know what it is. Is there anyone you wish you could apologize to? Who? Yes, Jason. Were you interested at all in the last person that flirted with you? That would be my boyfriend, so obviously yeah. What is the most depressing book you can think of? Movie? Song? Book: Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo. Movie: I think The Boy In the Striped Pajamas. Song: "Terrible Things" by Mayday Parade. Do you know/like any songs by Weird Al? Which is your favorite? Ha ha yeah, and c'mon, "White 'n' Nerdy" is a fuckin classic. Do you enjoy applying make up, if you wear it? NO. My fucking tremors make it hard. Do physical exams make you uncomfortable? Yes, so much so that even at 26 I've never set foot in a gynecologist's office. I officially am going in February though and I'm absolutely fucking dreading it and will probably have a panic attack and/or cry. I don't like people touching me ANYWHERE beyond hugging, never mind... there. If you could say one thing to your favorite celeb, what would you say? I'd thank him for literally saving my life and remind him that's what heroes do. Mark isn't a fan of being called that, but dude... he literally is to me because I WOULD have offed myself in my deepest depression when all I really did was watch him if I hadn't at least had that much. Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the planet? My uncle. Filthy rich fucks whose monetary greed is never satiated to the point of others sufferimg don't fucking deserve a place on this goddamn earth. Your favorite romantic movie? I'm a sucker for The Notebook. How do you feel about Valentine’s Day? I honestly love it and think it's cute. Literally devoting a day to love is a beautiful thing to me. Like yeah sure, you should ALWAYS express love, but I don't see what's so wrong about making a holiday for focusing on it. Have you ever slept in a water bed? Yep. How do you feel about having sex during your menstrual period? I would never be able to do that, the concept super grosses me out. Does your ex have a job? "The" ex Jason probably does, he was working at Office Depot shortly before we broke up and still years later was last I knew. He had a problem with me not having a job at like fucking 18, so I'm quiiiite sure he wouldn't be okay with not having one at his age now and with a college education. Do you look decent in your most recent photograph? No. Tomorrow is? Girt's birthday!! What are your plans for tomorrow? I'm going to Girt's to celebrate him getting old, ha ha. What are you listening to right now? "Bück dich" by Rammstein. My mom gets a kick outta this one because to her it sounds kinda like Till says "birthday" in a weird way when it's literally "bend over" lmfao Do you want a girl or a boy as your first born? I'd definitely prefer a girl. When will your next kiss be? I'm sure it'll be tomorrow. What’s your favorite phase of the moon? Full! Do you weigh the same as your mom? No, I'm bigger than her. She lost a lot of weight from cancer. Does sunlight make you happier? Sure does. Being in a light place noticeably helps my depression. Do you watch The Walking Dead? Never seen a single episode of the show, but I've watched multiple let's plays of the game series and have also played Season 1 myself. BOY does that game know how to make me cry. If you’ve ever babysat, do you like it? No. The only reason I usually go with my mom when she needs to watch Ash's kids is because they're my family, want to see me, and Mom is the one *really* taking care of them and what they need. I'm really just there to play with, ha ha. Are raisins good? NO. What is your favorite flavor on sunflower seeds? I don't like eating those. Do you get a lot of spiders in your house? Nah, not really. Name one naughty thing you’ve done. DO NOT do this because it's extremely inconsiderate and just gross but I've done sexual stuff in my younger sister's bed when Jason and I had to sleep in there instead of my room for some reason I don't recall. Name two of your favorite things as a child. Pokemon and Webkinz. Do you think homosexuality (anything beside heterosexual) is a choice? Of course it's not. Do you REALLY think people would CHOOSE to like the same gender when they face ridicule, torture, and even murder? NO sane person would do that shit. Have you ever seen an alligator in person? I have, at zoos and at least once in the wild, following Hurricane Floyd. On god I noticed and pointed out an alligator in a water-filled ditch some time after the hurricane, which was devastating and destroyed the nearby zoo. It had been very close to where I saw it, so I'm assuming it got loose or something. I was very young when this happened so the details are definitely blurry. Are you good at ping pong? Not at all. I'll miss the ball every single time. Does it annoy you when people’s eyebrows are a different color than hair? I don't care. Mine are right now. What primary color is your Christmas tree? Green. I want a black one when I get my own place. 😩 What is the stupidest thing you’ve done to a friend’s pet? Uh, nothing, really. Have you ever seen a snake in the road? I'm certain I have at some point. What does your best friend want to do when they grow up? Well he is a grown-up but I don't think he has a real set goal. He's pretty content at the tire factory. Do you like any Bon Jovi songs? Yeah, quite a few. What is one song that really inspires you? "Life Won't Wait" by Ozzy Osbourne. Who do you have photographs of in your room? Roman and Teddy. If you were a writer, what would you write about most? I write mostly about meerkats in a fantasy setting. I'd do that if I did it professionally, too, probably. If you’re a girl, what symptoms do you get when you PMS? Primarily I become more emotional than ever and usually will wind up crying at least once before I start. My stomach can get pretty upset. I also have the usual cramping. Sometimes headaches. If you had to decide, what do you think people envy about you? I guess that I don't/can't work. Although I can fucking assure you it's not a good feeling to be in that position and I fucking hate not working. If you want to get your crush’s attention, what do you do? Honestly both of us have a habit of poking each other or something similar if we really want the other's attention for something, ha ha. How long have you been single or in a relationship for? Girt and I have been together for a year and one month now. Do you know what you’re going to wear tomorrow? No, but I'll probably try to pick something at least somewhat pretty. I think I'm gonna ACTUALLY put on at least eyeliner. I want to at least TRY to look some semblance of "good" for Girt's birthday/family dinner. Would you rather drive on a long straight highway or windy backroads? I absolutely prefer backroads. I don't like how fast you go on highways and it's so much busier. What is the fastest you’ve ever gone in a car? Honestly? I don't want to know. But it would definitely be the occasion Dad picked Nicole and me up from school and he was in a fucking furious mood and FLEW the fuck home, running red lights/stop signs and illegally passing. I honestly feared for mine and Nicole's lives. A part of me still doesn't forgive him for putting us so profoundly at risk. I remember Nicole had to ride with him AGAIN to go to dance and I told her to sit the hell in the back. Have you ever seen someone break their bone in real life? I don't think so, no. I mean, besides myself. Have you ever been to a laser tag place? Yeah, I played it once with Jason, Jacob, and Amanda. It was SUPER fun. How do you wanna celebrate your next birthday? Maybe get a tattoo and/or piercing and per tradition we'll go out to eat, and I'm sure I'll pick The Cheesecake Factory as always. Do you tease your parents about them being old? No. Both of my parents are SUCH children at heart and I just don't think it's really nice to pick fun at how old someone is, anyway. You should (generally) be and act grateful regarding how long someone has lived. Is anyone afraid of you? I doubt it. My mom has told me it can be scary when I REALLY raise my voice/yell, but there's no way she thinks I personally am "scary." I'm like, the most non-threatening person you'll meet. What’s the strangest named pet you’ve ever had? I had a guinea pig named Harry Potter as a kid. Even though I had no connection to the series. I have no idea why I picked the name, ha ha. Would you rather visit the Taj Mahal or the Eiffel Tower? Absolutely Taj Mahal. Stunning location. Have you ever been to South America? I have not. When was the last time you ate popcorn? I haven't had popcorn in a long time, really. I don't know. Have you ever lived in a dorm? Nope. Do you have any nieces or nephews? I have a whole lot, but I only regularly see my immediate sister's three kids. I haven't even met a few of them. What was the last thing you broke/sprained? I think my ankle a few years back. I thought I'd broken it, but it was just an awful sprain, if I remember right. Did you ever play a sport as a little kid? Did you enjoy it? I played a lot: t-ball/softball, soccer (hated it), basketball, cheerleading (did with my sisters but hated it), and dance. I did take some volleyball classes too but didn't actually sign up for the team or something because it hurt my hands so bad. Do you actually participate in gym class, or just stand there? I participated just enough to get fine grades without seriously busting my ass. How much money do you have on you right now? Literally just a couple quarters and like a dime. When you were little, did you ever have a lemonade stand? Definitely not, I wouldn't do that shit in my hometown... Have you ever been bitten by a wild animal? No. Have you ever been lost in the woods? No. Do you like Tom Petty? I adore "Free Fallin'." I don't know much by him at all, though. Would you rather have snow or rain? Snow! Have you ever tried rock-climbing? Not seriously, but I used to LOVE climbing fake rock walls when I was younger. Ever witnessed a murder? No, thank the fucking lord. I myself didn't see this (for which I'm grateful), but my family did once stop our car to check on a poor old man on a bike who literally got hit by a car. Us kids stayed in the car, but I remember it scared the shit out of me. The guy was not seriously injured, thankfully. Do you care what people think of you? I honestly do, usually. Too much. Does your room have a ceiling fan? It does, but oddly enough not a ceiling light attached to it. Have you ever lied under oath? No. I had to go under oath when I argued my disability case many years ago. [TW: SUICIDE] Do you know anyone who has attempted suicide? Yes, myself included. If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you be? Girt's house. I woulda loved to stay with him tonight. What was your favorite television show as a child? It was definitely Pokemon. I was obsessed. Have you ever won an award for a speech? Not a speech, no. I don't do those. Have you ever had a deadly animal as a pet? No, and I never would. The farthest I'll ever go is MAYBE Old World tarantulas, but their venom isn't fatal. I don't really think owning deadly animals is a smart move... Who were you named after? Nobody with my first name, but a number of women in my family have my middle name. What is your absolute favorite hobby? Hm. It varies with what I REALLY feel up to, honestly... I think I get the most satisfaction out of beefy, plot-significant, well-written RP posts, but the hobby I definitely do most consistently is watch let's plays. What’s your favorite comedy movie? I'm a sucker for White Chicks even though it's so stupid, ha ha. If you could see any musical on Broadway right now, what would it be? I wouldn't; I don't like musicals. Will you willingly sing in front of other people besides your family? I don't really sing in front of anyone. Do you eat soup when you’re sick? No, I don't like soup. Have you ever watched Doctor Who? I've seen like, I think one or two episodes with Sara when she visited. If you read, which book or series did you enjoy most as a child? Varying with age groups, there was Junie B. Jones, The Magic Tree House, and Hank the Cowdog.

#survey #surveys #random questions #random surveys

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dreamingincerulean · 2 years

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I took two walks today. Meant for just one walk, but road construction and traffic deterred me. I was like "Ok. Jen? You can do this!" and then I went home and I didn't do this. I went the other way, later on....and I'm trying not to beat myself up over all my anxiety today.

I stayed home (what's left of it) (not that it's dilapidated or something... we're just moving out so...it's not the same).....I could have went with my boyfriend's mom and his uncle to go see him....but I'd be there all day, and I'd have made her come home when she didn't want to come home.....and she wasn't planning on me coming up with her. . . so I allowed my anxiety to say "Oh I'll just stay home with the dogs."

AND I AGREED TO SIT WITH HER NASTY DUMB JUNK AT SOME POINT NEXT WEEK FOR A ILL-FATED YARD SALE.

I don't know why!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Other than I can't say no to people, especially if I'm two seconds to an anxiety attack.

I learned some things about myself, though: I hate crossing the street when a car is waiting for me (or NOT waiting, just inching their way into the crosswalk) ....and I hate other pedestrians.

Not that I hate them, I just get really frazzled when they're around.

It is Friday night, I guess. Foot traffic was high, road traffic was wild...and my anxiety was soaring with the eagles.

BUT...I did it. I didn't mess up and I looked the cashier in his eyes sooooo...I did it, in a way. But it wasn't with some struggle. I did beat myself up a little bit, too.

I think when I am alone like I have been this week, it allows my anxiety to be around others grow exponentially.

Blew my money on some pop and ciggies. Secret Ciggies, because I'm meant to have quit, this year.

This year, of all years!?!?! Yeah...back in like February or March.

It's not going to be an every day thing. It never was. I never smoked a pack a day. It was more like a pack in three days. Not that that was great, either. But I digress....ciggies cause anxiety. Or elevate it, I should say. Exacerbate it.

I haven't sat and thought out anything, in these days of no interaction with others. I've checked out via Sims 4 and HBOMax.

Full House makes me extremely sad. The adults always prioritize making the kids' fears go away, as much as anyone can...and though no one's perfect, they're examples of good parenting and responsibility left and right. As an adult, I also realized how exploited the twins were. It's no wonder they bowed out of the limelight. Everyone used them to further their careers. (Maybe not the castmates, but the folks behind the scenes seemed to love to do it)

I wish they'd make new movies and tv shows and stop remaking things. Honestly...we need to stop existing in nostalgic clouds of wonder and wanting.

If Full House was real, if those were real characters, it wouldn't look like that at all.

Joey would be high on coke most nights, Jesse would probably die of a drug overdose and Danny would take to drinking. DJ would develop an eating disorder and Stephanie would become a prostitute....and Michelle would move away to college with Comet and wonder why everyone couldn't just get along like they used to, back when they were younger.

Maybe I've just been exposed to too many dysfunctional people in my lifetime and have yet to see someone genuinely kind, caring and considerate as much as the three adults seemed to be in Full House.

I don't think I want to watch any more of it.

I did rewatch most of The Nanny. Who kept a running gag of fatshaming everyone around her that wasn't a size two.

About the time the rich broadway dude began toying with his nanny's emotions in a prolonged fashion, I lost interest. There were no sharp barbs from the butler that could keep me interested.

I feel like I'm here, alone, essentially because I'm an unfun kind of depressive person. I have Major Depressive Disorder.....though none of the depression seems to ebb or ease in any way ever, these days. I have two anxiety disorders. (Social and General, so basically everything)....this doesn't win me anything, in life but rapid heartrates and sitting in a room surrounded by dogs and only dogs, wondering how people maintain their relationships with others and finding out that they don't, they just pretend they do, these days. I don't see anyone communicating much beyond their immediate vicinity. "If I can't sit in a room with you as I scroll through Tiktok for hours on end, in my pjs, I don't want your high maintenance friendship!" They meme that up something fierce, on all my social media.

I watched a few episodes of Friends. I never really got into that show.

You see my conundrum? I guess I should have been reading books or something. But my head was spinning, and I needed noise to break the looming silence.

I wish life was different.

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anime-grimmy-art · 3 years

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What do you do when there’s not much to an AU? You make up your own stuff, ofc. And as is per usual when I make Character Designs, I make up a shit ton of lore too.

The ramblings under the cut, but what I’m really interested in, is what you guys think. Do you guys have any headcanons/ideas for this AU? Let me hear them! Also, if you don’t wanna read on tumblr, here’s the Google Docs link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/151yshHxnb_--P6eMKkwkI2dee9xC_Llb/view?usp=sharing

Before I get into the characters’ roles, here’s some general facts and backstory of their town:

- Basically, it’s Undertale meets Harvest Moon / Stardew Valley. Well, kinda. I at least used that approach for coming up for the jobs for the characters. You know, how there’s always a general store, a doctor, a smithy, etc.

- The usual story of a HM game is that you come to a town that’s way past its glory days and you, as the player/farmer, help them get back to that. The “backstory” of the town is that that already kinda happened. I’ll get into it more in the character description, but basically when Asgore was still mayor, the town got really popular. Then yadda yadda, a certain tragedy happened, two kids died, and the town suddenly got very bad publicity. There was a lot of stuff going on back then, bad reputation being spread and also a lot of law stuff, cos, you know, supposed child murder ‘n all, so Asgore made the decision to shut off the town to ppl from outside. This was in the interest of most monsters living there, because as fun as it is to have a lot of people coming there, most just wanted to live a quiet life. Not everyone was happy with that though, so many moved away from town and some others are trying to get the town back on its feet. But more on that later.

On to the characters:

I’m just gonna start with the skelebros, cos it’s their fault in the first place I got so invested.

Basically, they are what the player is in hm/sdv. They just showed up one day, took over the abandoned farmhouse and began their life there. The two came to town way after it was “closed” and since then a new mayor has opened the possibility for new residents to move in. Their farm helps the economy of the town a lot and the mayor, like usually in hm games, is trying to use that to make the town more known again. The skelebros aren’t really working towards that goal however.

So, now a bit more detail on them individually.

Papyrus:

- The design is mostly based on what’s “canon” in this au.

- He works mostly on the fields and is in charge of the crops. Their fields aren’t spectacularly big, but still big enough to plant a few dozen rows of veggies.

- Paps also helps out a lot in town when he has the time. He helps Asgore with his plants, he goes fishing with Undyne, helps Toriel carry crates around and so on. This is inspired by the part-time job mechanic in HM ToT.

- Unbelievably, in this AU Pap is not an absolutely awful cook. Since he helps out at Muffet’s and Grillby’s a lot, they tend to show him some tricks to cooking. Even though Pap’s not a big fan of the greasy or overly sweet cooking those two do, he picks up a lot.

Sans:

- Again, design mostly based on the “canon” look. Maybe a bit more baggy.

- This is finally an AU this dude gets to rest. Since there are no resets and he doesn’t have to see his bro die again and again, for once in his life, he’s not a sad ball of depression. He’s just a chill and lazy dude that loves to make puns. Though, since he’s not too experienced with the feelings of loss, helplessness or grieving, he still tends to hide behind puns and fakes smiles if he does feel bad.

- Sans is in charge of the animals on the farm. Papyrus begrudgingly gave him that role since Pap’s loud demeanour and hectic movements usually scare the animals. Sans’ relaxed attitude draws the animals to him naturally and even if Pap mostly finds him sleep against a tree, in a stack of hay or on one of the sheep, the animals are always fed, healthy and relaxed, so Sans seems to be doing his job.

- Sans always has a small chic sit inside his hoodie or hat. Is it always the same one? Who knows, maybe.

- Sans also, somehow, can produce eggs out of thin air. Grab into his hoodie pocket, in his pants pocket, in his hat, in his slipper, there’s suddenly always an egg there. On good days he can even make butter or cheese appear.

Gaster:

- He’s literally just a scarecrow in this. Though, if you ask any of the bros why they designed their scarecrow that way, they won’t have an answer.

Frisk&Toriel:

- Frisk is mostly based on what I wore myself as a kid in summer. Just a loose shirt with a cappy. Toriel basically has her ut gown, just with an apron on top.

- Frisk just appeared outside the “magical” forest one day. Napstablook and his cousin found them and brought them to Toriel, who has been taking care of them since.

- Toriel runs the general store in town, but also often takes care of the few kids that still live there.

- Frisk usually helps out in Toriels store, plays with the other kids or sits around at Asgore’s. They’re notorious for nabbing small snacks, mostly from Asgore’s plants. You’ll always find them munching on something.

- Frisk was in town before the skelebros. Since they’d moved in, Frisk often went to spy on their farm. After a small incident with angry chicken, Frisk got to know the two better and now they see them as something between brothers and uncles.

- But Frisk honestly gets along with everyone. Just like in UT, they’ve not only been adopted by Toriel but literally everyone.

- Toriel and Asgore’s relationship is not as bad as in the main game, since, you know, Asgore didn’t kill literal children, but there’s still tension between them. Back when Asriel and Chara died and the whole thing with the bad rep for the town began, Toriel felt betrayed by Asgore focusing more on the town than giving their deceased kids the grieving they deserved. They’re not divorced, but Toriel still moved out and said needed space to think. Now that Frisk is in the picture though, the both of them are slowly coming to even ground and may even be able to talk things out and clear up the uncertainty of their decisions.

Asgore:

-Asgore has his UT Ending / Deltarune clothes, just with a gardener’s belt.

- He’s the previous mayor of the town, but after all the crap that happened, he stepped down from the position. Now he has his own little shop and sells seeds, saplings, homegrown veggies and fertilizer. So, basically what e.g. the Marimba Farm is in HM AP

- His main customer is Papyrus and they’re on friendly terms. Asgore is worried about how much and how hard Pap works, so he often gives him a discount.

- Since his family’s past tragedy, Asgore is kind of nervous around kids. So, when he first met Frisk, he hoped they’d not visit him too often. But to his chagrin, Frisk took an instant liking to him and spends a lot of time at his shop (and steals eats the fresh grown veggies). Now, he’s really grateful for that, because for one, he loves Frisk as dearly as he had his own children, and also because now the tension and mistrust between him and Toriel seem to grow smaller day by day.

Undyne&Alphys:

- I gave Undyne a pretty basic fisher’s outfit. Alphys basically has Elli from HM’s outfit, just a bit more doctory stuff added. She still has her canon lab coat too.

- In essence, Undyne and Alphys have 2 completely different jobs. Alphys is the resident doctor and Undyne runs the fish market.

Two things. Yes, I know Alphys is more a mechanic than a doctor, she fits the aesthetic though, so she’s the doc now. And no, Undyne being a fisherwoman is not cannibalism, think of it more as a shark hunting smaller fish.

- The reason I lump them together is because they act as the local “smithy”. Alphys is still really tech savvy in this (I mean, Mettaton is still part of this AU), so she takes on most problems with electronics and stuff. For Undyne, I didn’t want to lose her Royal Guard’s Captain image, so she’s really good at handling tools (and weapons, but Al doesn’t let her make them anymore). So basically, if there’s a broken tool, you can be sure that either Undyne or Alphys can fix it.

- As for relationships, those two are still an item. Alphys is still really shy and a shut-off, but since Undyne and Pap become best friends, she gets to know the skelebros better. She and Sans especially get along well, since most of the time Undyne and Papyrus are let loose, they sit back and talk about science-y stuff. (no, Sans doesn’t have a background in science but he’s still into sci-fi)

- Alphys has a bit of a strained relationship with both Asgore and Mettaton.

Back when Chara and Asriel died, it was because of “illness” (maybe poisoning?). Alphys feels awful because with her back then limited knowledge on medicine she couldn’t help the two. Asgore doesn’t hold anything against her but Alphys can’t help but feel guilty.

Alphys still built Mettaton’s body in this one. The two had a really big disagreement, because Mettaton hated the fact the town was going to close, and he couldn’t understand how Alphys could feel otherwise, even more so endorse the idea.

Mettaton, Napstablook, Mad Dummy/Mew Mew:

- Napsta and Dummy are pretty self-explanatory, they got straw hats. Mettaton’s outfit is a bit of a joke cos it’s a play on “work at the top and party at the bottom”. The tie has two different sides, one with the yellow red pattern, the other completely red. His “top part” is the business part, because when he’s on tv or in the mayors’ office, you don’t usually see his feet. The bottom is his party/dance part, cos his dancing/entertainment channels mostly feature his legs.

- Mettaton, still a robot, Napstablook and Mad Dummy are all still cousins in this AU.

- Originally, they all lived and worked at the Blook Farm, the Animal Farm of this AU. Mettaton, however, despised that simple live and after befriending Alphys and her building him a body, he left the Farm to pursue bigger things.

- Mettaton runs the local tv network. From weather to game shows, he does it all. He also runs the tailor shop in town that sells his designer clothes and merchandise. After Asgore stepped down, Mettaton also took over the role of town’s mayor and now works towards making the place more known again. Not everybody is happy with him doing that though.

- One of those people is the Mad Dummy. He can’t stand people anyways and he always claims that history would just repeat itself.

- Since the whole family is made of ghosts, they have different dummies and scarecrows they can use to take care of the animals. To mock Mettaton and kinda get back at Alphys for giving MTT such an opportunity, Mad Dummy found the blueprints for the Mew Mew robot and now modelled one of their scarecrows after it.

- Napstablook isn’t fond of taking over obejcts like his cousins do, so he mostly takes care of the snails. Somehow, he can interact with them even when incorporeal.

Muffet&Grillby:

- The two of them run the Inn together. Muffet cooks in the daytime and makes desserts, Grillby manages the bar in the evening.

- The two still can’t really stand each other but working together like this benefits them both because their rivalry just spurs them on more.

- Even though Grillby is a patient person, somehow Muffet is the only person who riles him up enough to retaliate. (Well, maybe except for Sans, he’s a strong second).

So, basically everything between those two is a challenge in some way. Even if Papyrus doesn’t notice, even his cooking lessons are a challenge for them.

- Even though they’re constantly bickering, after working together for so many years, there’s a strange level of respect and trust between them. Even if back when they first started this business, they’d pour salt into an already open wound, nowadays they’d know better and just take a step back from the other or even comfort the other (on very rare occasions only).

Asriel&Chara:

- They be dead. Kinda.

Some Characters that’d live in that town too but that I haven’t made designs for:

- Gerson is the original smithy of the town. He’d grown up in a family of smiths, but he’d always had an appreciation for the sea. That’s why, when the town became more deserted and Undyne had a good enough skill level as smith, he took up the Captains hat and now mostly spends his days out on sea. He also ferries people to places if they need him to. Oh, and just like in canon, Undyne learned most of her skills from him.

- Burgerpants is a poor dude Mettaton basically kidnapped when he was trying to get fame in the city. Now Burgerpants works wherever MTT needs him to, be that as cameraman for the tv shows, cashier in his tailor shop or his slave secretary in the mayor’s office.

- MK is Frisk’s best kid friend. MK’s parents are in charge of shipping the goods out of town and paying the individual people. MK’s the one that usually collects the goods at the end of the day.

- Other than that, there are only a few people in town. I’d imagine the older folks or the really young families stayed in town after it was closed. I think the librarby dude would still run the library. Some Snowdin residents like the stone family or the dogs also might still live there.

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nevermindirah · 3 years

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Yitzhak!

is a character! who Gregadiah What-Is-Math Rucka gave us almost no information about!

I've gone through Tales Through Time #6: The Bear and #1: My Mother's Axe with several magnifying glasses and done a lot of googling and taken my copy of the Tanakh off my shelf for the first time since (well, since the last time I needed to read Torah for TOG reasons, which I think was Booker Passover headcanons) and here's the best I can come up with.

In The Bear we meet someone who goes by the name Isaac Blue:

Read on for a lot of comic panel analysis and historical research and Jewish flailing!

So what do we know about this Isaac Blue person?

He's Lorge, he's got curly hair, he's basically a taller version of Joe as drawn by Leandro Fernández (ie an antisemitic stereotype why the fuck did they approve this character design?? and then why did they double down and copy-paste it to Yitzhak??):

He's got a mezuzah on the doorpost of his house in Alaska!

I screamed about the mezuzah way back in January in this post where I (very reasonably) assumed this character was Joe and spun myself a tale about how Booker is still Joe's brother so the mezuzah stays up even though Booker isn't welcome in that house for a century. Bottom line: the mezuzah is a tradition with origins in the commandment from Deuteronomy 6:9 to "write the words of G-d on the gates and doorposts of your house" and evolved over the course of the Rabbinic period into the modern mezuzah we see here.

I did unnecessary levels of google image search to glean absolutely no useful information about Yitzhak’s origins from this panel:

I've decided the variant cover of TTT 6 is Yitzhak because of a panel in My Mother’s Axe, shown here, and what's likely an unnecessarily deep reading of Exodus, discussed further down:

The person at the right of the bottom panel is wearing the same clothes as in the TTT 6 variant cover and has the same shoulder-length curly hair and hairy forearms.

Left to right, the people in this panel are Lykon (I'll never get used to him being white in the comics), Andy, Noriko (I think? why doesn't Andy mention her by name here?), and Yitzhak. Andy's robe has a stereotypically Greek design on the sleeve cuff, and I had to stop myself 10 minutes into a Wikipedia rabbit hole because Gregorforth doesn't think that deep about this shit. The solid clues as to timeline that we get in this panel are:

Andy's iron axe

the presence of Lykon, who Andy first met in 331 BCE

So all we know is that Yitzhak is an immortal, he was a contemporary of Lykon, and he's Jewish.

Isaac is the most common Anglicization of Yitzhak (which in turn is the most common Anglophone transliteration of יִצְחָק‎), and Greg always uses the (transliterated) Hebrew when he refers to this character. Yitzhak is the long-awaited child of Abraham and Sarah in Genesis, the child who G-d commanded Abraham to sacrifice but spared at the last minute. I see what you did there, Gregory.

Why Isaac Blue? This is where I pulled out my Tanakh. According to the New JPS translation, blue is the first of three colors of yarn listed in Exodus 35:6 among the gifts requested of the Israelites to construct the priestly garments for the Tabernacle and later the Temple. Then in Numbers 15:38 the Israelites are commanded to "make themselves fringes on the corners of their garments throughout the ages; let them attach a cord of blue to the fringe at each corner."

And now for sandbox timelines party! Gregadiah gave us ALMOST NOTHING to go on, so I'm gonna make my own fun.

I, like many modern Jews, think the stories in the Tanakh are foundational mythology that are valuable because of how they've shaped our people but that contain some fucked-up shit and either way aren't meant to be a record of historical facts. Modern scholarship generally agrees that the community we now call Jews emerged as a distinct group of Canaanites sometime in the late Bronze Age (cw this video's host says the Name of G-d aloud despite being a religious studies scholar who knows that is not a name anyone but the Temple priests are allowed to say). The first non-Biblical written record of the people Israel is from an Egyptian source c. 1200 BCE, and the Biblical kingdom of David and Solomon was probably an exaggeration of whatever really happened during the Bronze Age Collapse. We start getting into historical-fact territory a few centuries into the Iron Age:

588 BCE Solomon's Temple destroyed, Babylonian exile begins

538 BCE Cyrus of Persia allows Jews to return to Jerusalem

515 BCE Second Temple construction complete

332 BCE Alexander the Great At Something I Guess conquered Judea, beginning the Hellenistic period of Jewish history — 331 BCE Andy & Lykon find each other

167 BCE another jerkface Greek king desecrated the Temple and basically outlawed Judaism

164 BCE recapture of Jerusalem and Temple rededication during the Maccabean Revolt

70 CE destruction of the Second Temple by the Romans, beginning of the Rabbinic period of Jewish history that we're still in now

What if... and hear me out... what if immortals come in pairs, and the pairs are:

Andy & Quynh

Joe & Nicky

Booker & Nile

LYKON & YITZHAK

What if Yitzhak was a priest of the Second Temple? What if he and Lykon killed each other just like Joe and Nicky would in the same city around 1300 years later, but instead of enemies-to-lovers speedrun with an absurdly long happily-ever-after, when Lykon died permanently Yitzhak decided to separate from Andy and Noriko and become the hermit we later see in Alaska?

We don't know how old Yitzhak is compared to the others, only that he was a contemporary of Lykon at a time when Andy was using an Iron Age version of her mother's axe. Other plausible origins for him:

a Jew of the early Rabbinic period, maybe a child or grandchild of people who were still alive before the Second Temple was destroyed

a Judean of the Second Temple era under the Romans or Greeks or Persians, maybe a priest, maybe not

an exilee in Babylon, maybe of the generation who got to return, maybe of the generation who was exiled (he doesn't look like he was 50 at his first death but who knows, he could've been mortal for both)

an Israelite of the Kingdoms of Israel and Judah, maybe a priest of Solomon's Temple or again maybe not

an Israelite wandering in the desert with Moses

THEE Yitzhak, ben Avraham v'Sarah, our patriarch who was brought up for sacrifice and then spared, and then spared again, and then spared again, and again, and again...

or! he could also be a Canaanite or other Levantine who predates the people Israel, who at some point in his very long life chose to join our mixed multitude, who like Andromache before him (and like Avram and Sarai would in this case do after him) took a new name to reflect the magnitude of influence this people has had on him

Why do I keep saying Yitzhak might have been a priest? It's thanks to the one detail in the artwork I could plausibly connect to solid research without getting a PhD real quick. Take a look at the gorgeous detail on the opening of his robe in the TTT 6 cover. He's dressed in rags, holes and dirt everywhere, rough stitches probably from hasty repair work — except for the neck opening. Compare that to this description from Exodus 39:23 of the construction of the priestly garments for the Tabernacle: "The opening of the robe, in the middle of it, was like the opening of a coat of mail, with a binding around the opening, so that it would not tear."

The next verses describe the intricate designs for the hem of the priestly garment. Yitzhak's ragged garment looks like the hem was torn off entirely.

Am I overthinking this? Yes I am! You're welcome!

My friend and historical research hero @lady-writes is in a Discord server with Gregadiah and asked the man himself some questions about all this. He clearly thinks he's being sneaky?? No shit Yitzhak is Jewish, dude, I want DETAILS!

I will not be giving up my Jewish Booker headcanon, I've put too much thought into it by now, the internalized shame of antisemitism explains Booker's depression too well for me, and it just adds so much richness to Booker/Nile both being children of forced diasporas. Fortunately (for him, not me, bc I'd do it anyway!) Gregothy supports fan headcanons even when they're not in line with his own:

One last thing before I close like 100 research tabs and go back to writing historical fantasy and/or porn! I love that, despite that atrocious caricature of a face design, our canon Jew and our fanon Jew are both Lorge and Soft and Kind, flying the face of the antisemitic stereotype of Ashkenazi Jewish men as small and weak, but also not falling into the New Jew / Muscle Jew stereotype that Zionism created. (I am trying SO HARD not to talk about Israel/Palestine for once ughhhhhhhhhh) Anyway here's a (US-centric but very good) primer on both these stereotypes of Jewish masculinity. Is this why I'm forever projecting my transmasc diasporist feels onto Jewish Booker the service sub? 🤷🏻‍♂️

I’ll reblog a second version of this with full image descriptions so that there’s a version accessible for folks who need IDs as well as a version accessible for folks who get overwhelmed by walls of text.

#TOG POC Love Fest #yitzhak #jewish booker #tales through time spoilers #tales through time #tog meta #tog #jewish things #mine #antisemitism #hi i'm an antizionist jew no i don't really want to talk about it

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