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lochselfships · 11 months

Text

💤 rough around the edges, gentle as can be

Characters: Loch (self-insert), Alfur Aldric, The Postal Dude

Summary: hiiiiii i'm being gay for my boyfriends again and wrote this comfort fic for myself at like 4am!!! Loch's having a big depression night and thinking about past mistakes, Alfur doesn't know how to help, and Dude steps in. this is largely about the early days of Loch and Dude's romantic relationship, and how he and Alfur became friends.

Warnings: depressive thoughts, mild self-destructive behaviour, (referenced) meltdown, misunderstood character(s), hurt/comfort, no beta read

Word Count: 2.8k

Loch sat on the bathroom floor, curled up into a hunched-over position as another night of sleeplessness pulled them into an emotionally fragile state. Their eyes were slightly red from crying minutes ago, but they were dehydrated already and didn't have more tears to cry- The distance between their mental and emotional state being completely distanced from each other making it even more difficult to feel in touch with themselves. It was a rough night. This was becoming more common lately.

They were trapped in their head, replaying bad memories from different perspectives. Right now they were dealing with a mix of self-perception and socializing issues, mixed with a pinch of related trauma for a spicy combination that he despised so much.

"Gah…" They whined quietly to themselves, "I'm such an idiot."

Loch bit their lip to avoid sinking too much further into despair, mulling over the various times they'd made a fool of themselves and been laughed at for it. The way it had shaped them into this 'loveable punching-bag' archetype that they constantly wavered on. The way they couldn't seem to stop being an idiot around people, whether accidental or purposeful. It was exhausting.

Loch took a moment to try and ground themselves, attaching to their surroundings again.

It was silent, Loch even tuning out the tiny hum of the bathroom lights as his world was rather muffled. Then, from the other side of the locked door he heard a small tap- barely audible.

His heart raced, already panicking. How long had he spent in the bathroom? Were the others starting to worry? That was the last thing they wanted, to wake someone just to comfort them in a moment of weakness.

"Loch?" Called a small and gentle voice, and Loch shuffled towards the door to hear better- not yet bringing themselves to speak up, throat a little hoarse.

"Are you… are you alright?" Alfur's soft tones letting Loch feel a little more comfortable, but all the more guilty as they heard the worry in his voice. "If there's anything I can do…"

"No, no." Loch sighed, pressing his forehead to the door and swallowing saliva to let his voice return to normal. "I'm okay, I promise."

It wasn't a total lie, he was feeling somewhat better after a cry, but… It wasn't the whole truth either. They were struggling again, handling their past as a whole, their anxieties, as well as the struggle of opening up properly- Letting themselves be comforted.

"Hmm…" Alfur gave a concerned hum that let Loch know they weren't really off the hook with this- Alfur knew Loch's patterns on their bad nights, the bathroom was a common retreat for when they felt like a burden.

"Really, I… I've just been lost in thought again- you know me, always zoning out on the toilet." Loch lied. It was common for them to zone out in the middle of the bathroom, but this wasn't one of those times.

Alfur opens his mouth to talk again, but then closes it, unsure of what to say, or how to comfort them. Some nights it was more difficult… they were more stubborn… The elf could try his best but there were times Loch would lock themselves away and there was very little he could do about that.

"I-I'll be out in a minute!" Loch stuttered, putting on a happier tone of voice before standing up and moving to the sink to wash their face "Go join the others, um, I'll be done in- done in a sec!"

Alfur nervously fidgeted before taking a few steps away, giving them a moment to compose themselves properly. He was anxious about his partner and not sure what to do; He wasn't sure what exactly triggered Loch's current state, so it was much harder to navigate for the little guy.

He stood in the doorframe of the living room which adjoined to the hallway, and therefore, bathroom. Soon, he felt the approach of a human walking towards him. Alfur snapped out of his thoughtful daze to look up to the person and see who it was.

Oh. It was the newer addition…

Dude, a tall man with auburn hair, clad in a leather trenchcoat with eyes that always seemed a bit too manic, approached the elf with his usual demeanor. He had only recently gotten together with Loch after a long while of being friends, and Alfur was still on the rocks about him. Dude wasn't exactly the most trustworthy guy… Alfur didn't want to see Loch hurt, and hearing of Dude's less-than-reputable activity didn't put him at ease. They had been dating for over a month, though, and he seemed to be somewhat alright, so it made sense for Alfur to give him a visibility contract. It could be easily redacted, anyway.

"What's going on?" Dude spoke, looking down at Alfur through his shades (which he continued to wear indoors for some reason).

"Oh, well," Alfur began, voice still laiden with worry, "Loch's… I don't think they're doing well, to be frank. They're still in the bathroom."

Dude raised a brow, and Alfur responded with an awkward and very telling expression- it took Dude a second, but quickly realised it was a meltdown thing and his usual flat expression twisted into a small frown.

Dude huffed and glanced towards the bathroom door, where the sound of running water could be heard. "Gotcha…" He said gruffly, and scratched at his goatee in thought.

Alfur watched closely as Dude made strides towards the bathroom and stopped just outside of it. He instinctively raised a leg to kick at it like he usually would, and then did a double-take and realised that might not be the best idea, considering. Dude shuffled towards the door and heard as the tap kept running, and then tried at the door handle. It wasn't budging.

"Ya done in there?" He questioned, "Can I come in?"

There was a just-about-too-long moment of quiet before Loch's response called out, "Uh- Uhm- Yeah, hang on."

There was the squeak of a tap turning off and then a couple footsteps, then the rattling of the lock being undone. Dude turned the handle, successfully this time, and poked his head into the bright, tiled room.

"Mm, hi…" Loch mumbled, shifting their weight as Dude's eyes landed on them.

"Hey there," Dude smiled, trying to lighten the dense atmosphere,"Everything alright? You're sure up late."

Alfur watched from the sidelines, his attention anxiously darting between the two as they conversed. He didn't know how Dude would handle this if it turned sour… And he wasn't the confrontational type to step in unless things were awful.

'Maybe I should have some more faith…' Alfur thought to himself as he watched Loch's expressions turn to a soft smile at Dude's presence. They clearly felt comfortable enough being around him; that was reassuring.

"I just- Yeah. Sorry about that. I hope I didn't wake you." Loch rambled, façade already beginning to crack as they're faced with someone watching them post-meltdown.

"Nope, I was already up. Going to hit the streets for a smoke, but I noticed you were up." Dude slowly moved towards Loch, reaching to place a hand on their shoulder. His touch was much gentler than it ever had been before, like he was afraid to hurt them. "So… what's up? You can talk about it, if you want to."

Loch's mind was buzzing with all the possible ways this interaction could turn- the remnants of their depressing thoughts still leaving a mark on them.

"It's… It's complicated. Couldn't sleep. Started thinking… 'Bout stuff."

Dude hummed and leant against the wall, "Anything in particular?"

Loch made eye contact with Dude for a second, and seemed even more at odds with themselves than before. Their instincts were to tell him, to let it all out, but there was some blockage there worrying about upsetting Dude in the process.

"Just… some of those old, cringey memories, ya know? Sorry, that's- that's pretty vague." Loch huffed, frustrated with themselves more than anything.

"Nah, that's alright. Take your time."

Both Loch and Alfur were momentarily stunned by this comment- Dude wasn't known for being very patient, so this was… It was clear he was putting in a lot of effort to let Loch get out what they needed to with support, instead of pushing them. A sweet gesture, to say the least.

"Okay, um- Oh, where to start…" Loch sat on the edge of the bathtub and rested their head in their palm. "There was just- there was this time… I mean, it was quite a while ago now, I don't even know why it still bugs me, but it feels like I'll never live it down."

Dude nodded, and watched them carefully, just listening to their ramble. He'd done this plenty before for some of his old friends… And for comforting himself, when he needed it.

Loch continued, "I just- I completely cocked up in front of this idol of mine, tried to impress them and… It didn't go well. I made a complete dick of meself. Guh…" They visibly cringed just thinking about it again. "And then there were others there, people I really look up to, they definitely saw. I know it's immature, but I don't think I could face them again."

"Ah… Is that what it is?" Dude asked.

Loch nodded in response, "Pretty much. I just… I hate being laughed at. It really fuckin' gets to me when people SEE me mess up, even strangers, so for it to be a celebrity- Uughhhh…" They groan and drag a hand down their face, running over their puffy eyes and red cheeks.

"Well, what do they matter?" The Postal Dude spoke plainly, tilting his head to the side. From the angle, Loch could make out the vibrant green of his eyes that followed them, and it made their heart skip a beat.

Loch let out a baffled sound. "Huh? Hm?"

"What does it matter if they did laugh at you, or aknowledge your mistake? You know they've probably made much worse mistakes in their time, don't you?"

"Well, of course. I mean, probably. But… They're, ya know…" Loch's speech trained off.

Dude tilted his head to the other side and raised his brows in a 'go on' kind of gesture, looking to see what Loch could mean by that. He could take a good guess, but it was better to hear it from their mouth.

"I really was- or am, yeah- I really am fans of them. It hurts to think that they could remember me like… that. They're so talented, it feels like a wasted chance, sorta." They hated it, but they felt themselves tearing up admitting this all. Acknowledging out loud that it could be a possibility shattering what was left of their emotionally-stable façade.

"Got it… May I?" Dude stood properly again and asked to sit beside Loch. When he got the 'OK' for it he budged up next to them and pulled them into a cozy side-hug. He could feel Loch's shoulders shake as they sobbed a little, and he hated to see them this way. It took a lot of willpower to stay calm- But he was mostly impressed by how much he could care so much for someone again. It had been a long, long time.

"I can't say I understand, Darlin'... You're definitely a bunch more talented than them, what are you so worried about?"

Loch wiped away a stray tear and scoffed, lightly jabbing Dude in the side before leaning back into his touch. "You're just buttering me up now."

"Well, maybe." Dude smiled, glad to see Loch have a little more fight left in them. "But really, what can they do that's better than you? There's no reason to hold em up to a standard that's higher than yourself. I don't see it… They're not all that important."

"Animation, music, the like…" Loch listed off, trying to think clearly. "I can draw but… They've got- they've garnered a following and worked their asses off. Feels like they're more worthy of- of I don't know- respect? More respect than what I showed them."

"Pfft, through an algorithm of mostly dumb luck? And you're saying that makes em somehow more worthy to judge you? Surely you know how that sounds." Dude couldn't help but poke holes in Loch's self-deprecting argument.

"Well… Yes. I suppose. But…"

"But? No, seriously, there's nothing that you should be putting yourself down for here. I've seen your work- It's goddamn impressive, I'll tell you that." Dude praised, and his cocky smirk grew into a toothy grin as he watched the praise sink in to Loch and bring out a genuine smile. He loved that look on them.

"I guess… Maybe it's something deeper than all this? I'm not sure. I get made fun of a lot- Less than I did as a teen, but still… It's kind of a sore spot to worry about being a laughing stock. If that makes any- any sense at all." Loch continued.

"It makes sense for you to feel that way," Dude started, and rested his chin on top of Loch's head. It made Loch's face flush further, being so close to him in a moment of real emotional intimacy. "You're not a laughing stock. You're a person. Like me, like everyone else. We all fuck up from time to time, some more than others. I mean…" He laughed, "Look at me."

From the hallway the tiny elf was still listening to this conversation. He had perched himself upon a nearby windowsill and listened intently, pleasantly surprised at the emotional literacy that the other man was displaying in this situation. He really had misjudged him, it seems. A satisfied smile grew on his little face from knowing Loch would be looked after in situations like this.

"Yeah, yeah, you're a mess, I know. I'm aware." Loch chuckled. "I- Hmm. Thanks." For a bilssfully quiet moment, Loch realised they had nothing else to refute. Their wounds weren't completely healed, but talking about it all made them feel a lot better.

After a solid minute of mutual silence in eachothers embrace, Loch let out a hefty breath they didn't realise they were holding, and stood up. They stretched their back out, feeling their bones pop with a satisfying sound.

"Yeah. Thanks, really." They reiterate, and turn back to Dude, who dusts himself off and follows in suit.

"It's no big deal. Glad you're feeling yourself again, sweetheart."

Loch let a soft expression fall onto their features from the pet name, and rubbed the back of their neck.

"So, shall we leave this god forsaken box?" Dude asked, offering an arm.

"Hah, in a minute- I'll catch up with you in the lounge, just need to tidy up me face first." The younger man replied, and turned towards the mirror-cabinet above the sink to do as they said.

"Alright, see you in a second."

With that out of the way, Dude stepped out of the room and back into the hall. He looked to his right and caught the eyeline of a certain Aldric, who didn't look nearly as worried anymore.

"So…" Dude mumbled, "you listened into all that?"

Alfur let a guilty chuckle escape him. "My apologies, I did. Um…" He averted his gaze to the floor, "Thank you for that. It was sweet, how you were with them."

Dude scratched at his stubble and looked away, an embarrassed blush rising on his cheeks. "Sure."

"For what it's worth," Alfur started, getting ready to hop off the windowsill. "I'm happy they have you. Maybe I could interview you sometime, get to know each other?" He reached the floor and paused momentarily, still rather nervous. "If that's of any interest to you, of course. I don't want to force you-"

"Alright." Dude answered quickly, his deep voice contrasting Alfur's higher-pitched accent. "That's fine by me. Next time we have a free moment, then."

"Yeah!" Alfur nodded happily, and wandered into the living room after Dude. "But for now, I should really try to convince Loch to sleep…"

"I'll grab the water." Dude stated without hesitation and marched towards the kitchen.

The elf watched him leave for the drink with a happy expression, the action pushing away any doubts he had beforehand. Dude really did care, deep down.

Alfur heard the switch of the bathroom light trigger behind him, and spun around to see Loch heading out.

"Oh, Alfur!" Loch smiled, and bent down to let Alfur climb aboard their shoulder. "Sorry about that, I hope you weren't too worried…"

The Aldric sat comfortably on his lover's shoulder and nuzzled affectionately into their neck.

"Not at all. I'm happy you're okay."

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