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orenjibot · 25 days

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Haha. I was like mega flipping my shit over it on twit cause i’m still working stuff out in my brain but!

Turns out i might also be autistic. Like mild autism perhaps.

Like… i always thought it was just an adhd thing? But it would make sense if i have both cause there were a few things i couldnt explain about myself in very small ways with just my adhd in particular.

But it would make sense if it was autism cause it also explains why i would always analyze smth like i was picking it apart to understand it. It was never smth i just understood without words, i had to actively pick things apart to understand it? I thought i was curious but no it was because i couldnt understand how the world works so i WANTED to understand. I get incredibly frustrated when i cant understand smth at all. It makes no sense and it hurts me and angers me i dont get it. I get insanely angry! Like irrationally so!

In turn i realized how that thinking and putting things in to set categories and patterns in my head has caused me to misunderstand a lot of social situations too. Like its not too bad but i defs mistake ppl’s intentions and stuff bc the way they word things isnt clear to me (taking things literally/at face value).

I also realized this mindset has also influenced how i saw regular human things like bonds of any kind and how i expect ppl to treat me bc i thought these are normal things i took very literally. Like i only understood jokes as things ppl say to be funny and used in any other situations like directed @ me means u are making fun of me and DISRESPECTING me… when all they wanted to do was make a joke and be light hearted.

Idk if this counts as autism but i also misunderstood friendship like just vibing with each other isnt rly friendship cause to be friends u usually have to do more than that. This is largely driven by the fact i, personally, had to put in more work into friendships due to being horribly neurodivergent and not understanding how to talk to ppl too (being bullied was also a factor). A friendship to me is one where u have to understand me and not just me understanding you so anything else that isnt just that isnt rly a friendship to me so i approached every friendship like i have to understand how ppl worked in order to be friends with them. This is apparently NOT a normal thing people do. This can also be attributed to my adhd and is likely more cause it, but the fact i didn’t understand that friendship wasn’t so… give and take made me realize how much pressure i was putting on others to understand me, i just thought that was normal and like a given cause i do it, why can’t you? I took everyone not giving me that as a sign of either disrespect or disinterest and took it as “oh u want a shallow relationship with me”. Like i took friendship too seriously when i shouldnt have.

There were also gestures i took as negative and hostile, and triggering my RSD but also that it didnt adhere to what i understood what being friends was. I figured I was weird and oddly sensitive about interactions, but i did find it really really weird how it was very specific and particular gestures. I cant understand it so it is making me UNCOMFORTABLE; less like “man idgi” and more “this is making me feel so incredibly HURT and uncomfortable that i feel like crying”.. to the level of wanting to cut off ties or discarding them entirely.

It now made me reevaluate what happened between me and ann as well. Like, yeah, i DONT think what she did was nice or correct but the treatment i gave her was too drastic without explanation. I don’t feel the need to be her friend or approach her since she didnt try to approach me either (also blocked me at one point after i unblocked her so yah lol). She never said that i misunderstood her at all, i was the one always having to do that?? And i kinda didnt like that… and she was giving a lot of…. Yellow and a few red flags. Like it was hard to approach her to let Her Know she did smth wrong cause she always took it so dismissively/defensively too. If anything, i do think i should apologize to her for not realizing that a lot was because i didnt realize i was autistic, but sadly i don’t feel the need to wanna chat with her unless she does so first or the occasion comes up. I have always felt the need to apologize for her for that cause that was indeed my fault, but… Im also kinda petty and stubborn so i want her to actually apologize instead of like? Be a pussy lmao. Like I forgive her more for her response then, but i still didn’t like how she casually threw me aside for being direct. Like that was a HUGE deal for me cause my exfriend did that and acted like NOTHING happened. Like bro… i was very hurt man by you doing that even in a normal situation 😭

Anyways….

I took a few tests to rly be sure it is a mild thing and not some misreading. And they all came out mild/moderate… its like high but not definite severe. It is very close to it so im like.. well fuck.

I will go get a diagnosis at one point but realizing this made me just…. Realize so much things. Like it all just… clicked.

I feel like i should apologize to cam about that too.. just a whole bunch of things.

#teru’s orenji texts #its really long btw #but ya boi is doing self reflection and introspection #then came to the realization that it was autism

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meat-huge-pain-endless · 6 months

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huge vent post feel free to ignore✌️

tw just in case tho for depression, anxiety, suicide/suicidal ideation, death, disordered eating, drug use, dissociation, depersonalization, and derealization

i need someone to come put a straight jacket on me i ruin everything i fucking touch i don’t want to be a bother but im desperate to be known so i spill my guts just for them to get trampled. and i really do let everyone walk all over me. i assume that every other human being on the planet knows better than me about everything and i will tolerate literally an treatment so long as you’re a little bit nice to me sometimes, or even if you just tell me that you are ill probably believe you. my self esteem is so fucking low plus i can’t ever rlly tell what’s true anymore. my memory is so fucking bad like the amount of times a day i forget what im saying mid-sentence and then forget what i had just said and then forget what i was even talking about in the first place is genuinely embarassing. it’s so fucking humiliating actually like i am so out of it all of the time and i can never tell if it’s bc im dissociating or bc im dehydrated or bc i didn’t sleep or bc i haven’t eaten or bc i forgot to take my adhd meds or bc i hit the pen at 9:30am again or bc i DIDNT hit the pen but i have brain fog from smoking the night before and at this point it’s probably all of it all the time like it is so bad. ive never been worse in my life i don’t think. again i wouldn’t rlly know. all my memories feel a million miles away. im alone in my dorm room rn bc my roommate and our other friend went to our other other friend’s dorm to hang out. if i think about it too hard ill probably start crying. i was crying before they were even out the door.

everyone told me college is where you meet “your people.” the friends you have for the rest of your life. why do i have about 3 friends total (as in i actually hang out with them outside of classes/club meetings/school events/etc) and why do none of them feel like they’re actually my friends. oh wait actually i know why that is. it’s because i don’t feel like im real when im at college. that’s how i felt last year (like school year, and it was awful btw, thought it was the worst year of my life but then this semester happened and now im not so sure) but it just occurred to me that im feeling the same way except this time i wasn’t so alarmed by it bc i got used to it. like this is baseline college feeling for me. the worst part of it all is that everything is actually all my fault. like for real not sarcasm. my anxiety is so fucking severe and i didn’t realize it at all until recently when i started having more frequent panic attacks. i cry most days. i hyperventilate way too easily. i walk thru the world just going about my everyday life with the anxiety levels of an animal being hunted for sport. like literally if i accidentally do something wrong in public like the smallest tiniest stupidest mistake like pushing on a pull door or something i get so embarrassed it like so very seriously and genuinely the idea of people thinking that im stupid or laughing at me makes me want to die like seriously kill myself dead and i cannot overstate that im so scared of what people thjnk of me all the time.

oh and did i mention i also literally never stop thinking? overanalyzing everything i do and say and everything everyone else does and says to me and im always worried that my friends hate me or secretly think im an awful person or im thinking about things that they might potentially hate me for later down the line and sometimes i try to preemptively circumvent that by randomly being like “hey if i ever [insert thing im worried might potentially make them not like me anymore] just know that it’s not because [reason i think it might make them potentially not like me]” OH and i also all the time will ask my friends if they think im a bad person which is like so insane of me actually like why the fuck do i do that THIS IS WHAT I MEANT AT THE BEGINNING!!!! PUT ME IN A STRAIGHTJACKET CUT OFF MY GODDAMN HANDS JUST PLEASE DO SOMETHJNG because no matter what i fucking do i always end up crawling to SOMEONE to beg them for reassurance or tell them something that will make them worry about me (sometimes im not even aware im doing that one!) because i just need someone to care. i need someone to care about me or else im not real. (i feel like i only exist contextually but i don’t have time to get into all that right now). but then i get embarrassed for needing something. the fact that i have needs and wants and desires is the most embarrassing thing in the world. asking for what i want and need is the most mortifying torturous experience in the world. i hate being vulnerable.

i want to be cared for without judgement. i want to stop feeling like i am hard to like and even harder to love. i want to stop feeling tired all the time. i want to stop feeling miserable all the time. i want to feel like im real, like i actually exist. i don’t want to die, but i don’t want to live either. i think the only thing about death that still scares me is the fact that i would have to go alone. but the idea of infinite nothingness sounds like a dream. it’s so loud in my head all the time. i just want it all to stop.

#im sorry y'all #i just needed to put all of this somewhere that wasn't my brain #anyways #i sincerely hope that you are all doing better than i am right now #i'll b ok eventually tho

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castle-dominion · 10 months

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castle 6x12 deep cover

the castle's dad episode liveblog

Hm, leaves the phone off the hook but lmao how slow he called 911

It rained on my mom & dad's wedding. They didn't care about the superstition that you can't see the bride in her wedding dress before the wedding so they took all the pictures they needed & when it rained & her dress may have gotten muddy it didn't matter.

but yeah lol this is what it's like planning to have your kid's bday.

Martha <3

MARTHA

(clears her throat) A little unsolicited advice –

CASTLE

Do you give another kind?

BECKETT gives him a look, but MARTHA ignores him.

MARTHA

In life, there is no such thing as a perfect time for anything.

She turns away. They’re confused.

CASTLE

I’m sorry, that’s advice how?

MARTHA

(scoffs) Don’t wait. Hell, just go down to city hall right now. You love each other. Stop talking about it. Just do it.

She turns back to her coffee. CASTLE and BECKETT look at each other, considering her idea.

I thought this was where they had the "we got married!" "seriously!?!?" part I saw in gifs.

Yes, I have a feeling esposito DOES know Beckett can lift her... whatever you were going to say

Hello? Nothing.

Yeah I noticed too, his place is beautiful

Oh yeah no grease won't come out.

RC: Sounds like a case of Weekend At Bernie’s gone wrong. (they look at him) No. No, wait. That would mean there’s such a thing as Weekend At Bernie’s gone right.

Maybe he ties one left handed & ties one right handed.

My dad's house-- no my great aunt's house had a loose floorboard but there was no space under it. You couldn't fit anything under there. It just gave you splinters. You know, the house at the farm kind of sucked.

lmao the animation is hilarious

JE: One you can’t crack? (he leans over her shoulder) C’mon genius bar, I thought you were the best. *flirtatiously*

& they didn't see the criminal record? otr wait ig he was a minor so it was sealed.

He’d call it ‘pulling a Robin Hood’.

love it

RYAN u know, pat leave could have been a good excuse to send the actor away for a collaboration with one of abc's other shows for a week so he doesn't have to be in this ep.

rc: Now, Ted’s laptop is like Fort Knox on steroids, but Tori found some unscrambled artifacts in the registry to a service set identifier. (off BECKETT’S impressed look) I don’t know what that means either, but she got really excited about it.

( A sec later) RC: Now, according to the website, Universal Banking Solutions handles strategic and tactical procurements for international clients.

KB: And what does that mean?

RC: I – I don’t know. I’m just reading the screen there.

I would have given the phone to becks immediately

Dad?

Not a word!

Man's obv lying

I thought becks recognized him bc he looked like castle.

Castle just staring into space lol

KB: mentions international espionage

RC: we have no information to speculate

LP: approximately 15 minutes before his death Ted at clams and funnel cake. Can you believe that? Ugh.

KB: Lanie, you slice open dead people for a living and you’re grossed out by that?

It's different!

Is clams is carnival food...???

LP: Okay, you two creep me out when you do that shared brain thing.

Love the c being burnt out

love how they are eating funnel cake XD

& ryan eats esposito's funnel cake while wearing his crime scene gloves dkjlsdjkfs

GIANT BUBBLES

*checks his watch* about 40 years

That doesn't seem likely. He'd hire soeone else.

He said to text lol

"leave a message >:("

JE: Castle.

RC startles. RC: Geez!

JE: Man, bro. Why are you so jumpy?

RC: Dude, I’m not. I’m just –

JE: Well, you will be once you hear what we found. C’mon.

"you will be" that's such a thing to say

FORMER?

HITMAN?

castle your version of emergency might not be the same as anderson cross's

KB: U ok?

RC: .. Yeah

Me: you can say "meh this case is putting me on edge"

Ryan ADHD moments just chewing on a paperclip

I was a little busy getting shot

Cross: Did you bring the booze?

RC: Did you bring the booze?

Cross: No. I want you to steady your nerves. Take a swig.

RC: Good idea.

*martha drinks too*

Reminds me of my autosurgery

I love the sound of someone's hand in a tub of mayonnaise. & the music is good too

"at elast this time I got a needle" WHAT

she's right, he made that choice a long time ago

Wow the cia just hired a kid who was arrested for identity theft & got him killed? Sounds about right.

it IS a good story

Lol gun battle

Cross: I was in spycraft a car chase!

Becks: lol no

the news: There was a car chase!

Becks: that doesn't prove it

Esposito: Ted was a spy. also the car chase.

So that's cool

also wow nice colourful computers. & wow nice Ryan being the techy one of the four

(Ooh & the csu techs have their own background & lives & motions & stuff)

KR: idk someone stole the hard drive

Anderson Cross: *holds up hard drive* :D :D

"that's incredeibly illegal"

"yep"

Beckett wants lto go? she wants to... Ok then.

Ok but copy-paste the password in

MR: You can find a spy on your phone?

RC: Mother, there’s an app for everything now.

You can't promise that. You cannot contrl gemini or the buyer.

But I know what he means by that promise

she DOES have juice

Call ur mom then

oh my gosh please just control c control v the password

3 minutes for that much content? rly?

speed dial

I have those glasses... or work does

castle if ur mom is calling u better answer bc she is relevant to this

lol the gun

Oh no a router!

*pulls a gun on him*

say "I have to go" or smth

left the phone book & laptop. becks can see "hang up or i'll kill you"

*appears out of nowhere*

HE JUST KILLED HIM

i mean ig that was the mission...

*remembering that time castle "randomly" hugs esposito in a future season*

"the way you never let anything happen to ted?"

true

Beckett & castle are not telling them that he's dead? I mean they can't bc then they'd have t o tell abt anderson cross. but also wait. how would they be able to tell it was tony blaine in the first place w/o revealing that it was castle's dad?

Work you for information or beckett is right, he wanted to spend time with you...

FAMILY FSKLDFJSDLJK

She's so happy

Martha...

oh wow that's beautiful

Great ending scene too

#castle 6x12 #castle 6x12 spoilers #castle 6x12 quote #the castle's dad epsode

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cheshrae · 1 year

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I started typing these lil rants to get things out of my brain and into the void. While I did this previously because I felt hopeless and alone, now I do it just to help clarify my thoughts and share my feelings where I won’t necessarily have a lot of people see it. So for those few who read these, expect a couple to come.

I am learning so much about who I am and how I love, and it's made me revaluate so many of my relationships. I’ve had fallouts with friends and friend groups, and luckily most of them haven’t been terrible fall-outs by any means, it’s just me realising what I want. I really struggle with setting boundaries, like way more than I ever realised. At first I thought it was because I couldn’t tell people that I wasn’t okay/happy with their actions until it got far too bad, but I have also recently learnt it’s just setting boundaries within myself. I would let myself fall into poor friendship habits or routines where I would reach out to the wrong person, or I’d feel bad because of how someone had treated me/was treating me, and just let it continue on instead of changing it. I know it can sound a little farfetched, but setting boundaries on how I communicate with my friends, and who I choose to talk to when I’m happy, sad, want to rant about something, want to squeal about media I love, is something I am reevaluating now and making sure I am actually reaching out to the person who will suit my needs, and not just to who I have always reached out to.

I really struggle with older friendships where we either we both act a bit how we were back in the old days instead of who we are now, or where there has just been one to many moments in the past where I let something go because I didn’t know how to communicate or didn’t want to create conflict. It’s like I fall back into a toxic mindset or I never know how to express my selves properly to them, and because it’s such a history of me being quiet (I would never drag up such old stuff, but things like that do leave little scars).

This is a slight tangent but something I really need to say. I have OCD, some parts are quite mild and not bad, others can take over my life quickly if I’m not aware and adjusting. I know the new thing is that everyone has ADHD, and while I am really happy it’s much easier to be aware of such things, especially getting a diagnosis to make you feel like ‘oh, that explains it’. That being said, as someone who tends to be on the opposite side of ADHD with OCD, a lot of the things that are always ‘fine bc I have ADHD’ really really effect me. While I always understand that people can’t reply right away or they don’t have the energy, that kind of stuff effects me really poorly. I find myself anxiously messaging people because all I can think is ‘if I needed them right now, they wouldn’t get back to me for a few days’. I know that’s extreme; OCD is not always a logical disorder to have, but that’s always the first thing that pops into my head. I love being supportive for my friends who experience ADHD symptoms, but a part of me also can’t help but think ‘why aren’t they supportive of my OCD symptoms?’. My brain, especially on bad days, cannot handle any notifications anywhere, an unanswered message will literally drive me insane unless I reply, and waiting on a reply can also drive me insane. Again, I know I need to manage that bc I can't expect everyone to bend over backwards for me, but it really hurts when friends don't even consider how I feel, and what my disorder requires as well. It’s not about one being worse than the other, but about two completely different people meeting in the middle to work for both parties, instead of just blaming every action on a disorder especially when you haven’t tried to compromise. Again, I know others will be more extreme and won’t be able to compromise, and that’s fine. It’s also fine if I can’t have a deeper relationship with someone like that then. I always had guilt for feelings like that, but it comes down to my issues with boundaries again. I need to set these internally otherwise I let anything go, get into bad habits, and feel like shit without ever realising why. I hadn’t realised how much this was effecting my friendships until I actually realised it, and was lucky enough to compare it to friendships where we have both compromised, are open with each other and they just understood who I am now. I think making friends now is easier than much older friends, because I sometimes default into old me who didn’t know all of this, which is why I have to set quite tough boundaries with those people now, just until I heal a bit more and can go back to them properly with the person I actually am now.

One more thing before I finish this post - the most important thing I have learnt recently is that letting go of someone, or something because it brings more sadness than joy, doesn't mean you will lose it forever. As an example, I had to leave my D&D group because of a guy who was very unpleasant, and then it really escalated where I realised I couldn’t play with him. I felt really sad - I have had this game for almost 3 years, it was there when I sick, I loved my characters and the story, how could I leave it? I quickly realised (again I was so lucky to have another lovely game going) that if I missed it so much, why not do it again but actually make it better? I started my own game, with people I trusted, and I am soon to start another. I replaced my toxic game with amazing new stories and found a way to take back control of D&D. I am taking back control of stories an my characters, and creating ways for them to be healed within my new games. D&D is so personal that you put your everything into, so when it’s taken such a hit, it can be hard to love it, and then I feel like I’ve lost it. Allowing myself to tell stories how I want, keeping open communication between players and myself, and between myself and my DM has been a huge help. I was also sad, because it meant I wouldn't travel to fairs with them again. Well, my family and I booked to go to the main fair this year at the absolute most amazing place, and there won’t be any travel stress or anything like that. I randomly asked a friend ‘hey want to drive to this fair with me?’ and they said yes! Instead of just feeling only pity and sadness I had to let something go, I found a way to do differently, especially because (ignoring nostalgia and rose coloured glasses, which I know is not always easy but it needs to be done) these experiences would be so much better because it won’t have all the horrible stuff that made me leave in the first place. It also doesn’t have to always be the same thing, but rather find the base feeling you think you will lack, and find a new way to apply that. I really struggled with two of my close female friends lately, so I finally got the courage to reach out to a few people at work and it is beautiful. Sure, they aren't at the same depth of those other relationships, but in some ways it’s better. We can not only build towards that if we both want to, but they are also meeting me as I am now, without the poor history. Instead of sullenly sitting in the sadness when you give something up, even if you know it’s for the better, I’ve been much more focused on what I still have, but also how I can fill my life and spirit back up. Looking for opportunities and others I can include in my magic.

While I still have a lot to learn in regards to all of this, I am just so pleased I am at least aware of it. This year is much more about understanding the inner me, and loving the world and people around me while unearthing all its magic. I have taken really good steps so far, and I know I will stumble and mess up, but it truly is only up from here, and I love all these things I’ve done (and it’s only March!) to make me better on so many different levels.

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taeyamayang · 2 years

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Welcome back!!!!

I am happy to inform you that I FINALLY READ A BOOK ON MY BOOKSHELF!!! it was a book I got from my highschool fucking YEARS ago when they were reading out books. Oh my god you should’ve seen me on those days, I’d get piles of piles of PILES of books and struggle to bring them on the bus back home. My backpack was STUFFED to the brim and my teacher let me borrow a reusable plastic bag to carry the rest lol. One year the same teacher gave me some of her books from her classroom and I put them all in my locker, which you think is a safe space for them but NO. So towards the end of the year I was really struggling with my health so the school emptied out my locker when school ended and put all my stuff into a plastic bag and my mom picked it up. When I finally got the stuff from my locker tHE STAFF AT THE SCHOOL TOOK ALL MY BOOKS TO THE LIBRARY!!!!! THEY THOUGHT IT WAS THEIRS!!!! oh I was PISSED. The kicker is that HALF OF MY TEACHERS BOOKS THAT SHE GAVE ME WHERE WEEDED OUT BOOKS FROM THE LIBRARY IN THE FIRST PLACE. So I emailed people in the library to see if I could get them back, but the thing is….I didn’t remember what the titles were. It has been weeks since I got them from her and I had bigger things going on then. So I did get get my books. UNTIL! the end of the NEXT year when they were weeding them out again and when I went to the library to print something I found them amongst other weeded out books!!! I was so happy!!! I ran Into my teachers room like 🏃‍♂️💨 “I NEED A BAG!!!” She was like 🧍‍♀️???? Ok? Lmao she was used to my shenanigans by then LOLOL and o got my books back!!! Yay! A little random story time lol.

I wish I could write more. I’m so fucking busy with everything and never feel like I have time to exist smh. I have a whole ass list of things I want to do and reading and writing is at the top of it. I still have an entire Pokémon game that I’ve had for like a year now that I haven’t touched ugh. It doesn’t help that I’m always tired too. I recently went to the doctor and he told me that all the physical problems I’ve been having for years are all connected somehow because of my nerves and since it’s a “functional” disease I was diagnosed with(? Im not holding my breath at this point) there’s not much I can do besides take meds. It put me in a sort of funk and I’m trying my best to get back on my grind, but it’s not the easiest yknow?

But! I have been writing a little! And I did not forget the prompt you gave me (the one that blossomed from the stories of me getting hit with balls in gym lmao) I’m in the progress in writing a little Kuroo Drabble, but the thing is I can never finish a paragraph without rewriting it all immediately. I can’t even get my ideas down!! It’s my toxic trait smh.

I’m glad I described your relationship with religion well! I was afraid I was getting a little too close for comfort especially since religion is such a sensitive topic. Ok I’m Ngl I was afraid I offended you or something but I had to remind myself like “pea has social anxiety too! Sending responses can be scary!!! Just bc your anxiety makes you feel obligated to respond asap doesn’t mean everyone else with anxiety does!!!” lol. Also my anxiety loves to screw me with the fact that I often say the wrong thing- most of the time, I mean something else but it comes off different. This leaves me in a constant fear that I offended people, which is fun at parties, yknow? But fr, I’m glad my words reached you. I have a hard time speaking and getting my point out physically, my adhd goes brrrrrrr, and my anxiety and speech issues don’t fucking help either smh I think everything at once and none of it comes out right). but I’m glad my words can come across to you right in text form lol.

This next part sounds weird but I have a point so stick with me here. I honestly think that people don’t really think about how much words can effect others and inspire people. We use them and throw them around like they don’t have any weight but don’t always realize what they can mean. I feel like I sound like an anti bullying PSA but I gOT A POINT I PROMISE. People use words as ways to get by in the day but I live for the moments where we break past the barriers of small talk and say something that really impacts each other and makes them think and feel. When we let words have weight instead of just being things we use and dispose of later on. But since people are afraid of being vulnerable that never happens. That’s why books are so important, and thats why I wanna write. When you read books you become a part of the story and you are able to take words in without it being personal enough (like in real life) where you feel uncomfortable and vulnerable, but they are personal enough to stick with you and make you stop and go “well, shit.” In awe, of course. LOLOL I hope you get what I mean and it wasn’t TOO deep and serious. But the point of the story is that I’m glad I said something meaningful to you, I don’t always feel like my words are really always heard or interpreted right and it’s very reassuring when they are. Also, if I didn’t make it abundantly clear before LOLOL that’s why I love writing. Now if I can actually GET MYSELF TO WRITE A PARAGRAPH THAT WOULD BE NICE 😭 ( that was laughing but also crying in pain emoji btw)

Oof that was a long paragraph, but anyways Interaction day???? That’s fucking weird. Like that was the whole purpose? Just interacting with the opposite gender? And they made you give each other pillows?????? I feel like if anyone else told me this I would be like “bullshit” but maybe this is common in schools in Asia? Or was it just your school?? Isn’t this the same school that you said was all prim and proper??? I don’t know what else to say besides “?????” Because what was the purpose???? Especially if you were told to date after Uni? OMG I JUST THOUGHT HOW WEIRD IT WAS ESPECIALLY SINCE THEY GO SO FAR TO PREVENT RELATIONSHIPS, BUT WHAT IF THEY DID THAT AS LIKE A DETERRANT? LIKE TO MAKE SURE YOU DONT “TURN GAY”???? I literally can’t think of another reason they would do that. Especially with the pillows? Like what else could it be referencing besides sex? And I found that especially weird since I know America is very “laid back” when it comes to social rules and norms compared to other countries, but teen pregnancy and sex in schools has always been kinda taboo. Like some teens have sex, some don’t,-which is completely normal. I know American tv shows make teen sex sound so common but honestly who has time for that????? The thing is no matter how much sex is portrayed in media or irl, American schools don’t want ANY OF IT. Like Sex Ed in America SUCKS especially if you ain’t cishet and some schools don’t even have that. Some books even mentioning sex are banned??? Because high schoolers don’t know what sex is, yeah sure. Also for school trips and stuff the boys and girls are ALWAYS separated so there is no chance of any “hanky panky” or anything. So the whole gifting pillows thing is especially odd to me.

Ok so just to clairify, since I know I referenced middle school before and middle school, or jr high looks different around the world, when I saw middle school I mean 6-8th grade or 11-14 years old. Most elementary schools are kindergarten-5th or 5-11 years old. Some elementary schools go until the fourth grade and leaves the fifth grade to the middle school but I feel like most are just kindergarten through fifth. My first day of middle school, I made a friend who had a boyfriend. I thought it was crazy since we aren’t even teens yet but then I found out that having relationships in middle school isn’t uncommon? Hell my little sister had a girlfriend for like a MONTH in eighth grade at 14, and they hated each other at the end of it. The thing is, relationships are hard, EVEN FOR ADULTS. Like I mentioned, people don’t like to be vulnerable because they are afraid of being hurt and everyone is on different wavelengths on what they want or expect in relationships. Not everyone wants or expects the same thing and a lot of the time it gets messy. Especially when it comes to sex. Not all relationships have sex and not all relationships know how to function with sex. By that I mean sex is a very big and heavy thing. Emotionally and physically. Not everyone feels the same way about it and it can hard to talk about with your s/o responsibly. And again, this is for ADULTS. You can probably imagine how hard it is for kids to distinguish what a relationship is, especially balancing in the sex part that everyone expects to have in relationships and that they are oh so curious about. Remember when I mentioned that I read a book from my bookshelf? Well the book was called Unslut and it was literally the authors middle school diary with side notes on the side with her giving more details on each entry. She was brandished a slut in middle school when she was coerced into sexual acts and or sexually assaulted. Most of the time it was sexual assault actually, but they were so young they didn’t really know. The author and a lot of other kids hopped from “relationship” (or just like holding hands in the hallway and sending flirty messages with the occasional kiss) to relationship, breaking up by phone calls and passed notes. And all of that took place in the late 90s, so you can imagine how it is now with the internet and such.

I love how you called you friends babe and such just to confuse people, honestly? That’s iconic. I LOVE HOW YOU WERE LIKE “HELL NAW, iM THE ORIGINAL GAY HERE. ME!” Everyone was thinking she turned you gay lmaoooooo. Break those stereotypes!!!

I’m glad I didn’t go to your school bc my ADHD ass looked eVERYWHERE during tests. Like if I really try to think and remember something for a paper or any task I’m working on independently I often look around. Never at another persons test, our desks were often separated anyways. But even if I tried to (which I didn’t) I couldn’t bc I have horrible fucking eyesight 😅. I couldn’t see shit even with my glasses on. I just KNOW I’d get in trouble for “cheating”

I actually bought another pair like six months later and still have them in my closet, but the thing is, even though my shoe size hasn’t really changed since 13 or so, I still have big ass feet 😭. I’m like a size ten in womens and I didn’t buy these ones in Chinatown, I bought them online and they were smaller and my feet barely fit and my heels touch the flat of the shoe EXACTLY. They don’t really fit 😢😢😢. I do sometimes miss it there, even though it was super fucking chaotic, just because I knew everyone and everyone knew me. We were all genuine and we were able to be authentic to each other. When I started high school not long after everyone was hidden to themselves and not really genuine with each other. This isn’t really bad, especially since it’s not a school of like 100 and everyone can’t be as close knit, but it got really overwhelming sometimes. I still wish for that familiarity sometimes with making friends and being social since meeting new people and making friends is hard, but my time there really did bring me out of my shell, nonetheless. Before I left, I actually got a composition notebook, decorated it and passed it around for people to write goodbye notes in it. I still look at it from time to time when I need a pick me up and it’s full of encouraging notes. I actually did go and visit a few times and donated clothes, and it was a very strange experience. I saw it as an outsider, but still with familiarity. I actually saw Daia when I went back and I gave her long hugs. The middle school I went to after was a special needs school and two of the staff from the residential also worked there too and I took a picture with them as I graduated middle school and they shared it with my friends there and they were so proud of me 🥺. Oh! I also saw Daia and Kayla at the Walmart I go to and was SHOOK. They were shopping for clothes and they decided to go to the Walmart closer to me instead of the town over since the boys dorm was shopping there and I got to catch up with them and take a few selfies. I’m still sorta in contact with a few people, including Kayla via Instagram but others I just have to really hope they are doing well, like Daia and the one friend I called my sister. And now I want pie too lol.

I do wanna watch Our Father, I watched the trailer and it’s very interesting!!!! I love buzzfeed unsolved and some of my favorite ones are the true crime, unless it’s when Shane and Ryan are exploring the supernatural, then that takes the cake. Speaking of true crime, idk if I mentioned this but the other day when I was working on something on my laptop and listening to a true crime YouTuber they were like this case takes place in (MY TOWN) and then she started describing it. I was like wait a damn minute and had to rewind like three different times. The thing is, my town is pretty big and well off. It’s not exactly unknown but it’s not known well enough for people outside my state to mention it. It’s also a very affluent town with people moving her to retire and raise families and such so you don’t really hear bad things about this place. EsPECIALLY IF ITS A DOUBLE MURDER THAT ALSO TAKES PLACE IN THE SURROUNDING TOWN. LiKE WHAT THE FUCK. It wasn’t too long ago, I think it was like the early 2000s? I didn’t live here then but still. It was trippy. I’m used to hearing things that happen closer to the big city in my state or maybe in the same county or one close. But never IN MY TOWN.

And about the haunted home bit. I think I might’ve??? Slept in a haunted home, at least. Ok maybe not haunted per se, but let me explain. As a little girl, like very small, four year old kinda little, I would frolic around my house and sometimes speak to people that weren’t there. It wasn’t really a big deal since I was so small and just playing around and it was make believe or whatever. Until! My mom heard me giggling by myself and she asked who I was talking to. I said, “Papa Ray! He’s so funny!!!! I never met a Ray before but The thing is, my mom was super close to her grandfather, Raymond. Her family was super abusive, but he was one of the only people who really cared for her. Sadly he got sick and passed away when she was ten or so I never got to meet him…. At least as he was living. My mom was creeped tf out. That wasn’t the only time I “played with ghosts” but it’s the only one I can distinctly describe. They say little children and animals can see ghosts, yknow?

My aunt, my moms sister was the one who kept getting engaged and calling off the wedding. The boys she keeps getting involved with aren’t the greatest and every time she says she’s getting married I don’t hold my breath smh. I’m glad you had fun at the wedding tho!

I enjoy our messages too aND OMG IS MOMO A MODEL??? THAT POSE! THAT GRACE! THAT BEAUTY! ABSOLUTELY STUNNINGGGGG!!

Oh I took photos of my cats recently! I also entered a picture of Thor and it won third place!! I entered a lot of stuff and even one first place for a few but this photo was def the cutest!! I also entered the Loki pic but it didn’t win :(

But I took pictures of the cats recently, including cursed ones of them sniffing the camera (aka my fav ones) also I gave Thor a box that was too small for him and he was convinced he fit 🥺

hi i was busy, yet again 💀

it's good to here that you had finally touched your books!! and your crazy story about the school taking your books to the library tho,, why would they do that 😭 it was in your locker so it's yours why would they assume that it's the school's. idk why but i can imagine you bringing home bulky bags full with books and THAT'S heavy. back in the day, we didn't have lockers (actually we had but i attended a sadistic school so everyday we had homeworks that needs to be done so we have no choice but to bring a shit ton of academic books and notebooks one per subject home) and i also have packed lunches and a huge jug (i was dehydrated lol 💀) so imagine bringing a full backpack, my lunch, my snacks (v important), a jug and sometimes a yoga mat for p.e. SO I WAS TIRED AND LAZY BRINGING STUFF TO SCHOOL AND BACK also, i didn't like books back then because we were forced to read and like it. KUDOS TO YOU FOR THE EFFORT 😩👌🏼

ahhh don't push yourself too hard especially on days you feel tired. take small steps each day and it is enough :) OH I'M EXCITED FOR THE KUROO DRABBLE I'M SO HYPED OMFG LIKE LITERALLY SMILING LIKE A DAMMNED FOOL RN!! YOU SEE i know it may be hard but try to write all down without editing a single thing LIKE IT WILL BE HARD but you gotta trust the process. if you want to, i can help you with it! conceptualizing, writing, or editing IM SO SO EXCITED!! i get what you mean ith words being disposable nowadays, and that's where our love for books, writing, and reading becomes more apparent. being part of story is one thing but writing your own story, fueled by your experiences and perspective on life is something else. that's why i think on my part, writing is therapeutic. it has become my stress reliever ever since the pandemic started and shit stirred in uni. so, one day i hope to read your works too!! i'd like to know how you see the world, how words insipired you. I'M WAITING!!

oh nooo don't worry about it!! even if you accidentally said the wrong thing i still keep an open mind ya know language barrier and all that so don't worry, really. i'm like the most patient you'll ever meet lmaooo my irls know me for my patience. i take time to reply (bc of low social energy-had to deal with irls and online lol) but it doesn't mean i'm offended and i'm not the ghoster type so if ever i need to clear things up with you, i'lll say/ask it nicely SO DON'T WORRY! i'm a safe person. you can be yourself when talking to me :)

i feel like since i replied to this super duper late i feel like you may have forgotten the context (we had school interaction with the opposite sex and give each other pillows) AND YES YOU'RE RIGHT it wasnt outright said but before the school had issues with the students turning "gay" so it wasn't said outright that it was for that purposed BUT IT WAS IMPLIED. i know the gifts are weird i think i have them donated to a charity or smth LMAO. really??? im sorry but through media i always have this idea that american schools are open to sex like if you're in hs/middle school and is a virgin, you are humiliated/emphasized by your lack of experience

OKAY GOOD OMG thanks for clearing things ups regarding middle school and such becaue all this time i thought middle school is from 1st grade to idk (i had no idea honestly) here we call kindergarten as pre school, 1st grade to 6th grade as elementary school, then 7th grade to 12th grade as highschool but HS is sub divided to two: 7th to 10th grade called junior high school and the last two years are senior high school (but in our language-the students- 10th grade: sophomore, 11th grade: junior, 12th grade: senior). i think it's ironic how you started talking about relationships, your first friend in middle school having a boyfriend, and the sex talk in a relationship because...i'm actually thinking of breaking things off with an s/o FSNEVEKEBS I AGREE WITH YOU HOW YOU ILLUSTRATED THE COMPLICATIONS OF A RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE IT GETS MESSY i for one do not fancy labels cos you see when you put a label on a relationship you're somehow bound to concede with the societal norms of dating (ya see im not clingy, value my personal space, not a chatter, i dont flex on social media--literally the opposite of what i write (kidding, i express my feelings differently. im a head over heart type which i recently found is rare)) AND I JUST HATE IT YOU KNOW how you are forced to date just like how everyone else does!! even with being intimate like physically i just feel... ugh idk man it's hard to earn my trust and affection and that could be a me problem but im gsmehs (sorry i ended up ranting to you) overall relationships is a complicated route to take and i think for the youngesters they might find it cheesy the first time but when you've dated a few and been scarred i'm just- 💀 it's not simple SO I GET WHAT YOU MEAN!!

wait, before we go to the topic of your school you mentioned your shoe size and im surprised?? DO YOU KNOW WHAT MY SHOE SIZE IS IN THE US?? FREAKING 5!! it's actually embarrassing lmao but a fun fact! do you know that smaller feet means luckier in our culture? lol aside from having a short height i relatively have small feet (cos people of the same height as i have bigger feet) so the oldies in our family would always comment how i'm born lucky since my feet are small. i don't feel lucky bro lol anyway back to your school. it's nice that you have a mini memento from your old schoolmates!! you can always go back to the composite notebook and reread their encouraging notes from to time. it's good that you look back to the past with a warm heart AND YOU MET WITH DAIA AND OTHERS!! THAT'S SO COOL did you guys catch up? remained in contact after the meeting or not?

A MURDER IN YOUR TOWN?? HECKKKK that must be creepy!! was the case solved? what happened to the victim/s? OMG THAT'S INTERESTING but also terrifying 🥶 i never heard of a case that took place in my city nor in my country. i think there aren't much murderers here which is a good thing bc as much as its an interesting topic to tell it's downright frightening. i think the closest famous cases i know are from japan but even though i live approximately near it, it's still too far to harm me heh. OMG YOU COULD SEE GHOSTS!! yeah, i heard of that saying!! kids and animals could see ghosts maybe bc they have pure hearts/souls? idk honestly but speaking of haunted houses, i live at my grandma's house this has been up since AGES ago so it has an old style to it and many have died in this house. that's why we have experiences here that make us doubt if ghosts are indeed real (i think i have told you about that right? we could hear voices of a family member calling from upstairs only to find out that the said family member went out? OR HAVE I NOT? I DONT REMEMBER SORRY GSNDBENE)

YOUR CATS!! OMG I LOVE LOVE LOVE SEEING YOUR BABIES!! THE SNIFFLING YOUR CAMERA POSES AND THE LOOKING OUT THE WINDOWS ARE MY ABSOLUTE FAVES!! gosh you could probably tell that im a big cat person ugh

i feel the same way! i like hearing from you tho it takes me eons to reply but i look forward to your replies everytime i check my inbox (it takes me awhile cos sometimes it gets swamped by asks or reqs)

OH BTW!! before i wrap this up, you're one of the first persons i tell you about this but i'm planning on opening a sticker business!! i'm almost done with the artworks and i can't wait to show you them next time i write to you... or should i post one here?....hm... MAYBE I SHOULD OMG it's genshin so you might not know him but this is a chibi zhongli i made and some artifacts and primogems i made :) im new on digital arts so i'd like to know what you think!! (the copyright thingy may be annoying im sorry!! tumblr is a funny place and i dont want my art to get stolen by someone before i could release them as my products 😭)

thank you love for taking your time in waiting and talking with me. i enjoy our conversations:)

#myve.😺#pea.asks

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angelthebedsheet · 3 years

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If you’re ok with it, could you do Hawks, Todoroki, Shinsou, Bakugo and Kaminari with a black support engineer s/o with big curly hair and stretched ears? Maybe she wears gauges with their hero theme? Just some cute fluff!

a/n: oooooh bitch okayyyyy!! i like that! hawks my lil bird bitch ✋🏽🥺

your quirk! super brain.

what is it? you have the ability to memorize things easily, piece complex puzzles together, make great strategies. you essentially are a megamind. you are incredibly smart invention-wise. you are skilled in support hero work so you are one of the go to’s for hero modifications, suits and basic designs.

hero name? hakim: the tinker hero

why the name hakim? from what i searched up it has arabic and african significance and it’s one of the 99 names based on the attributes of Allah. the two famous bearers of this name were hakim ajmal khan, the india physician and hakim muhammad saeed, a pakistani medical researcher. if i got any of this wrong please message me so i can fix this! i want to stay as respectful as possible as i love to include names that hold a message!

i might have to split this into two parts bc this gets long!! i just assumed reader is fem presenting bc you can use feminine pronouns and not be a girl like me. also disclaimer i only take 4 characters at a time per request but i dont think at the time of this request i had finalized my requirements in my masterlist so IMMA LET IT SLIDE. sorry this is late as SHIT. lets get it!

——————————————————————————

Hawks

okay we all know he’s a lil shit

and we all know how he be

you are working on your next commission piece in your studio when your window opens

you can only sigh

“what happened kei.”

“now birdie dont get mad now okay”

“what did you do.”

“i may have.... broke my visor and destroyed my jacket?”

how the fuck do you do that.

“what.”

“ahahah...”

boot to the face

when you two were first dating

which was back in hs

you helped him figure out how his hero costume would be along with how they would sit comfortably on his wings

i mean i love the idea of you roasting him while measuring him

“where’s your fuckin DRIP kei.”

“y/n PLEASE. i came here to get a new costume not get slandered”

“well you jus gon have to deal with it sugar, especially when you look like a mess.”

he had definitely bought you so many gauges that have little red feathers hanging from it

or simply his initials hanging from it to the point where you just wear one of his feathers around your neck

marking his territory and making sure you are safe

protective and trendy!

i hc that he has alot of bird like tendencies so you probably have to stop him from stealing the lil shiny things you have

your nuts and bolts allat

“keigo put my bolt down”

“but its so SHINY”

“NO.”

cue keigo’s WHINING

sometimes he just sits on his stool you put for him and play with your ears

like he’ll stare at them and ask you questions

“do they hurt?”

“kei im trying to focus”

“like they’re all stretched how long did they take?”

or he’ll bounce your curls

you’re just polishing a piece of hero gear

here comes kei silently sitting on his stool and gently grabbing a strand of your hair

pulling it down then you hear a quiet

“boing”

i hc that kei has adhd, has lil tic and has to fidget

(can you tell i self project onto majority of them)

(i mean hawks’ quirk must be IMMACULATE for fidgeting 😫👌🏽👌🏽)

(its dead his fault why i have a pretty bird tic)

and one day

“kei baby, here.” you said as you handed him a box. he cocked his head slightly as he looked at it. “what is this, dove?” he asked as he took the box. “well, i made you something to help with your fidgets.” you said as you rubbed the back of your neck. his wings puffed out as he smiled. he opened the box and gasped. you watched as his eyes brightened while he took out the keychain fidget toy. it has multiple sides to it. metal rings connected by two hoops, red, white and beige plastic bangs that were at the ends with two small red feathers at the chains. you watched as he bit his lips and tried not to cause a big reaction. “do you like it, pretty bird?” you asked. he nodded and pulled you into a hug. “thank you so much, baby.” he said into your shoulder. “and you can hook it onto your pants. cute, right?” you said as you gently rubbed his back. “yep, i’m cuddling the fuck outta you. lets go.” he said as he let you go and sweeped you up into his arms. you squealed with a giggle and wrapped your arms around his neck as he ran to the bedroom.

Todoroki Shouto

yall are in hs okay no time skips lmao

todoroki loves EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU

i mean he has so many sneaky pics of you working on your projects

oil on the cheek, gloves, goggles

straight up working in your zone

he will post on his story sometimes like

“look at my s/o”

“they’re working hard”

dry ass cute shit yk?

he carries scrunchies and glass cleaners 24/7

you take your projects on the go so he’ll just take out a scrunchie and neatly pull them curls back into a pineapple

my mans lowkey was struggling at first bc DAMN

CURLS BE FIGHTIN HIM

love the idea of todoroki watching youtube tutorials bc he’s TIRED of getting his ass BEAT by them

he kinda gets a lil grossed out when you take out your gauges and your earlobe kinda just dangles

like earrings in? cool asf

them out? my mans fold like a lawn chair. he looks away or makes a stink face

“are they in?”

“yes they’re in you lil baby. you can try attempted murder but you can’t look at stretched earlobes?”

“shut UP”

he does internally swoon when you put in gauges that match his hair colour

like you love him that much? okay i see

he’s amazed by how you work

sometimes he’ll just stand behind you like a lil sibling in the door way

“mom said it’s my turn on the xbox.”

(not at how me and todoroki are both the youngest siblings)

when you saw his first hero costume you busted out LAUGHING

that day you roasted todoroki to the point where he left

“janitor looking ass. my nigga where you goin? a space adventure? scary ass.”

“😐 are you done.”

“space jam headass, lookin like a g.i joe action figure. terminator lookin ass.”

“alright im leaving”

“no wait come back andjajdjsba”

i hc that todoroki has panic and anxiety attacks and things like that

so you made him a little sumn sumn for his anxiety

“candy, look here for a second?” you called out, making todoroki hum and look up from his notebook. “what happened?” he asked as he cocked his head slightly. “made you something.” you said as you handed him a small box. his eyes light up as he gently took the box. “really? are you sure?” he questioned. you only nodded with a smile as you placed your pencil behind your ear. you watched as he carefully opened the box. he pulled out a tan clicker toy and smiled confused. “what’s this, bub?” he questioned as he placed the box down. “a fidget toy i made for you that can help with your anxiety. it can help ground you when you feel overwhelmed? hopefully? oh! it also has a music box feature.” you said as you pointed at the back of the toy. he silently turned the toy around and you leaned over and pressed a button that played a music box version of a pearl by mitski. you watched as his shoulders loosened up at the sound of his favorite song. he placed the toy down while he tried to hold his smile back. he sighed and smiled widely. “thank you, i love it, bubba.” he said sweetly. “i’m glad you like it.” you whispered. “may i kiss you?” he asked. you simply nodded before he gently cupped your cheek and pressed a kiss to your lips. you pulled him into a hug.

#x black reader #x female reader #bnha x black!reader #bnha x poc!reader #todoroki shouto x reader #hawks x reader #shinsou x reader #kaminari x poc!reader #bnha x black reader #bnha x reader

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palmett-hoes · 3 years

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per your post "every single one of the monsters is autistic and/or adhd" will you elaborate on that?, if you do i will love you forever (not that i wont if you dont do it)

oh boy i would love to!!! unironically nothing brings me more joy than writing long, convoluted character analysis posts

---

okay so i’ve written several posts before about why andrew is autistic. his moral code, the roundabout way he communicates, his body language, his stimulation-seeking behavior, his strict adherence to transactional deals, the emphasis on honesty, and a dozen other details. at this point i just take andrew being autistic as fact, not just an interpretation

h o w e v e r i also hc that andrew is dyslexic, which is also a neurodiverse condition

- - -

similarly, i’ve seen more than one person interpret kevin as autistic, and i absolutely agree that it fits. not just the hyperfocus on exy but mostly the way he communicates. he’s very indirect, especially in his affection but very direct with his opinions. he tries to be helpful in a material way to the people he cares about, even if he comes off as negative. he wants the people he cares about to be safe and successful so he pushes them to work hard and reminds them in measurable ways how to stay healthy. he doesn’t factor in a lot of room for emotions, so instead he focuses on quantifiable things that he can improve. i personally act very similarly. approaching someone emotionally is hard for me, so when the people i care about have problems all i can think to do is try offering solutions, check up on their well-being, etc. practicality instead of conventional sentiment is extremely common with asd

- - -

so now let’s talk about neil. i had to think on this one for a WHILE but ultimately came to the conclusion that neil is adhd, probably hyperactive type.

like obviously neil is high energy. i would say he probably does the most exercise of anyone on the team. morning run, morning practice, afternoon practice, night practice with kevin and andrew, plus he doesn’t have a car so he runs to class (on a BIG ass campus), and goes for an extra run when he feels stressed. that’s... insane, honestly.

neil reminds me SO MUCH of this post that goes:

“Was just informed by my mom that I do in fact have ADHD and the reason I thought I didn’t was because ever since I was seven whenever I got super energetic my mom would have me go chop wood so now when I’m feeling The ADHD I go chop wood”

(phenomenal post) and that’s neil to a t. tell me this isn’t exactly how neil handles his problems and also exactly what mary would have had to do to keep her unmedicated and very energetic son focused on the task of staying alive

neil also definitely has that ADHD on/off switch with his interest. the obvious being exy which is like the definition of a hyperfixation, but you can see it in other things: the way he runs totally hot or totally cold with people, his complete disinterest in his schoolwork, the way he can’t seem to sit still long enough to follow movies. but then there’s also the hyperfocus. doing the same drill for hours on end. watching exy game after exy game. staring at andrew until time falls away

what’s more, neil on many occasions shows racing thoughts, both in an anxiety way (and anxiety often goes hand-and-hand with adhd) but also as a way to quickly and accurately take in details about people to build a character profile of them. this is what allows him to connect with the foxes, how he manages to get through andrew’s puzzles, and even how he knows what to say in order to knock riko down a peg. his brain just works so fast and it takes in a lot of very specific details and disparate information to make connections.

but also like,, neil has a HUGE problem with time blindness. like the instant he didn’t have his mother around to manage and direct him anymore he lost all sense of time. he stayed in Millport for a YEAR. and what did he keep telling himself during that time? basically “i really need to move on, but not just yet.” for a YEAR! then he gets to palmetto and he’s like “i’ll cut and run in a month or two” then he doesn’t “i’ll be gone by halloween” wrong again “i’ll leave by the raven’s game” nope. like,, the boy just has NO sense of time and he can’t seem to make himself DO anything outside of an externally enforced schedule. and even then,,, HE HAD 48 FUCKING DAYS TO FIGURE OUT SOMETHING TO DO TO NOT GET MURDERED! 48 WHOLE DAYS. he didn’t make a plan, he didn’t write down any letters with goodbyes, he didn’t GO TO THE FBI LIKE HE’D INTENDED TO THE WHOLE TIME! nah he just made out with andrew and when he finally got to zero he was just like “ah shit, that was fast. oh well guess i’ll die” and that’s time blindness, babey!

---

let’s move on to nicky.

now i think it would be really easy to say nicky is just adhd because he’s high energy and forgetful but tbh,, i don’t think that’s all of it. like if you really look at nicky’s character and especially at his problems, he has asd problems just as much as he has adhd problems.

so nicky is dual diagnosis asd and adhd. also nicky reminds me a lot of a girl i used to know who was autistic/adhd

so, adhd:

very generally speaking, ppl with adhd will struggle with sitting still, listening to and following instructions, planning/organization, following a schedule, and some social boundaries like “appropriate” times and topics of conversation

i would say you see hints of this with nicky. he’s definitely a rambunctious personality, constantly on the move, constantly stimulation seeking. he’s very tactile. he likes to dance, he likes to party, he complains about it but he’s an elite-level athlete. he’s also decidedly very chatty, and doesn’t seem to really pay attention to what he’s saying. he distracts himself and the people around him have to keep him on track. he has some trouble with boundaries. he’s a little all over the place. he’s almost a bit of an adhd stereotype

also one thing i find interesting is that when neil sees him in the library doing work neil is surprised to see he’s capable of that, especially bc when we see the upperclassmen doing work they generally do it in their dorms or on the bus and/or with other people around. that hyper-social nicky would be alone in a quiet place is weird. but this is like the most common tip for dealing with adhd. don’t do it in a familiar space. have a designated space and time to do work. limit distractions. just a lil detail

so now, asd:

in all honesty, most of nicky’s actual problems in the narrative could be viewed as stemming from asd symptoms. his number one issue being that he has a lot of trouble with nonverbal cues (and tbh, verbal ones too). the twins are mostly quiet. andrew especially (when he’s sober) communicates primarily nonverbally, and nicky seems to have a lot of trouble with this. despite knowing them for the longest on the team, nicky honestly seems to have the least insight into the way either of the twins actually thinks or processes things. he loves them, and he’s very forgiving of them, but he fundamentally doesn’t understand them.

the twins, andrew especially, put up a LOT of nonverbal boundaries, and nicky sort of inadvertently keeps trampling all over them. he’s touchy in a way they don’t like. he talks a lot about their personal lives to other people. he treats them like they’re joking when they’re serious. etc. and like,,, you kind of get the sense that the upperclassmen feel similarly about him. beyond the homophobia, beyond the fact that he’s loyal to andrew, the upperclassmen still treat him with this sense of,, bafflement, i suppose? it’s clear that they don’t really understand him and he doesn’t really understand them. although, nicky IS curious about the upperclassmen, while the upperclassmen are pretty dismissive of him. it reminds me of when my sweet, floppy dog tries to play with my cat. their body language is different; they’re each receiving different signals than they believe they’re sending out

only,, nicky loves people!! he likes being around them, he likes talking to them. he’s interested in their lives and stories, but it’s very clear that he can’t read between the lines on people. he has an incredibly hard time with people who expect their actions to speak for them, which is most people, but is especially his cousins.

actually this is very much also an issue that i have: things need to be spelled out for me. the way i deal with it is i ask a lot of questions. ‘how do you want me to react to this potential situation?’ ‘what are specific things that make you most comfortable?’ ‘please explain to me exactly how you feel and what has prompted those feelings?’ and i’m always communicating vice versa like that with other people. a lot of specifics in both questions and answers

and the interesting thing is, when i was skimming through the books reviewing dialogue styles for another ask, i noticed that, actually, nicky DOES do this. with neil and the upperclassmen, nicky asks a LOT of quick, clarifying questions. things that ask after tone, that ask after intent. it’s kinda sad that he does this for communicating with acquaintances, but with the twins, the people he’s closest to, he makes a lot more assumptions. and i’m really proud of nicky for having this coping skill, because i can’t imagine it’s something he grew up doing. there’s no way he was raised in an environment that fostered this kind of open communication so it must have been something he learned about much later, probably in germany with the kloses, which would also explain why he’s a lil imperfect about it

---

now last but not least, aaron

this is another one i had to think through for a long time before it felt like it fit

much like how i felt that it would be easy to read nicky as simply adhd rather than also asd, i think it would be easy to say aaron is autistic simply because he is quieter, less rambunctious. however, i actually think he’s adhd, likely primarily inattentive type

in all honesty, aaron’s #1 character trait for the first two books is basically that he’s disconnected. detached. separated both from his family and his team. not in the same forcefully apathetic way that andrew is, more,, spaced out. he’s just kind,, there. not really paying attention to what’s going on, tuning in every once in a while only if something really catches his eye/ear then tuning right back out again. just sits in his corner and plays on his phone. and the thing is, from the moments when he does tune in, you can tell that he actually does care. he backs nicky when seth insults him in tfc, and we know he cares deeply about andrew even if he’s become disillusioned with their fraught relationship. he even hangs with his family, doesn’t seem to really try and slip away to other friends besides katelyn, he’s fine spending his leisure time with the monsters. so it’s not totally apathy, he’s just,,, tuned out most of the time

and, yea, that sounds like adhd. it’s not the type that most people are familiar with, and for a lot of people this causes it to slip under the radar. it can make it hard to get help or a dx because it doesn’t fit with how adhd “should” look or how someone “should” act, but difficulty focusing your thoughts and staying in tune with the current moment is absolutely part of adhd

addiction is also a huge problem for people with adhd. a lot of stimulants affect people with adhd very differently than neurotypicals, especially in small doses, and an adhd kid who’s struggled their whole lives with the disorder might try speed or god-forbid meth or fuck even coffee and suddenly find that things are a lot easier for them. they start to self-medicate, they don’t actually know what they’re doing, and then they’re addicted, and everything spirals out of control. we don’t know too many details about aaron’s addiction other than that his mother enabled him, but wouldn’t this fit? it’s also an explanation for aaron still taking drugs at eden’s, given that cracker dust seems to be a mild amphetamine. (aaron talk to betsy about the neurocog and get an actual prescription please)

(total throw away but aaron plays videogames and videogames are like,, adhd culture)

#Anonymous #txt #andrew minyard #kevin day #neil josten #nicky hemmick #aaron minyard #my posts #im talkin #cw addiction #cw addiction mentioned

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inkofamethyst · 2 years

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May 16, 2022

You know I relate to Lin Manuel Miranda because I, too, don’t have that great of a singing voice but boy howdy I sure do love me a good solo.

I’m writing this research paper and it’s meant to be twelve to twenty pages long and I really do not know what I am doing. How did I, once awarded the Senior of the Year in English thing or whatever (alongside my puzzle-friend), end up here? It’s meant to be mostly regurgitation, but there’s no rubric or anything so I get the feeling that it’ll be graded based on vibes and effort. I’m cutting it a little close but I’ll get it done. I always do.

I literally never see the windows open from the rooms across from me which like,,, on some level I get it bc privacy but their rooms aren’t situated like mine, so they only have the one window and I simply cannot fathom keeping the blinds closed literally all the time on my only window. Man I love my room so much.

I think one of the biggest things I learned from PJO/HOO was that anyone could be a hero. Age, gender, stereotypes, learning ability/disability, economic class... those things didn’t matter. Even Paul Blofis, a dude without a magic bone in his body, was able to help in the Battle of Manhattan. As a ten year old, seeing kids with dyslexia and adhd use those “disabilities” to their advantage as a literal cannon aspect of the story was so so cool despite myself not having either. I’m literally so excited for the series.

Not gonna lie though,,,,, it’s a little bit funny to me that nobody’s up in arms over Grover being nonwhite when he was white (I’m almost definitely sure lil goat dude was a redhead... like that feels like a description from really really early on that I recall reading, like when they were on the bus or somethin) in the books. Y’all boutta tear your throats to shreds arguing over hair colors but have no problem seeing a goat-man as nonwhite? Hasn’t it been shown that the depiction of poc as non-human/animal characters has a lil bit of uhhh racist undertones? Now, I’m happy for the kid, don’t get me wrong. I’m just saying that a lot of people’s true colors are showing both from what they’re arguing about and what they’re not mentioning at all. “Oh ya it was really easy for me to picture Grover as nonwhite” and why exactly is that, hm?

I’m making a list of WTNV episodes that could be good for someone to listen to for their first ever WTNV thing. Now, I, personally, was hooked by episode 1, but I think there are definitely some better monologues that Cecil’s performed. I don’t want there to be character arcs (not that one Lee Marvin episode), no major plot developments (no Desert Bluffs)...

Episode 22 (The Whispering Forest) for the opener, 62 for the but no I can’t bc Maureen leaves and that’s a spoiler, 54 (A Carnival Comes to Town) for just one line but it’s got the right amount of creepy, I would do episode 60 but it doesn’t mention weather by name and goes a bit out of the formula so not that one, not 56 bc spoilers, not the episodes about You or Them because even though they’re fantastic they go outside of the normal formula, ... I think of the ones I’ve listed as having cool quotes, E22 and E54 are probably best to show newcomers.

Speaking of podcasts I’m watching CR c3e22 and the whole conversation around 3:19:00 where they’re using edging to describe Chetney’s feral reaction has me in TEARS AND MATT JUST WON’T STOP THEM

...what if I made my dad a Star Trek apron... hmm. And since we’re on the topic of sewing I’ve got this lovely pink linen blend at home that I’ve known for ages was going to become a bishop-sleeved blouse (maybe princess-seamed, like KittenishBehavior’s Shirt of Dreams? (I do think I’d prefer the tucked-in look, so that might be what I go for, we’ll see)) but every once in a while I start to think well what if I used it for something else (what if it was a tank dress with princess seams (I don’t tend to wear light-colored dresses (...but then I’d have two ways to style it (that assumes I’d even have enough fabric for a dress))), what if it was a half circle skirt (I prefer darker bottoms though), what if it was a chemise-style top (I think I want one in white first)). And I take myself through a bunch of projects on my list but always return back to the same original idea. I guess sometimes you just find fabric that fits a project really really well.

Today I’m thankful that I’ll have the opportunity later this week to visit a smivy smeage lab. There’s the remote possibility that I could intern there this summer, but I’m not really holding my breath over it. I’ve never stepped foot onto an ivy league campus before so this should be interesting. I also get to ride a train up there which will be dope!! It’ll be a whole day trip on my own, really.

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kerie-prince · 3 years

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We're Worlds Apart (4)

Draco Malfoy x American No-Maj!reader

series m.list | general m.list | previous chp

warnings: a curse word if you squint, sassy Draco

summary: Draco Malfoy is a pureblood wizard. Magic runs through his veins and has been since his birth. You're a Wiccan No-Maj; a non-magical being with ordinary blood through your veins, but practices what you call magick. And this very practice upsets your neighbor.

a/n: a day late bc i got distracted watching game of thrones lmao i have adhd so i honestly should've known better than to have something so attention demanding in front of me :P

(gif cred)

Three more days.

Three more days until your brother and his girlfriend come to your Buffalo suburban home to spend Thanksgiving. You came home from work on a better day than the ones from the week before, only to walk inside and was almost convinced you entered the wrong house.

Your mother took the liberty of decorating your house while you were gone. The place looked like an IKEA catalogue. Green and cream colored throw pillows were on your black leather couch, your small dining table had a fall-themed centerpiece and a blood orange table cloth. New dining chairs, all of them matched, unlike the mismatched ones you had before. And that god-forsaken ‘Live, Laugh, Love’ wooden sign hung in your kitchen. That damn thing is leaving first thing in the morning.

“Ma, what the hell did you do to my house?” The more you looked, you groaned at what you saw. Your grandmother’s tapestry was no longer hanging at its original place, now hung hidden behind the tv. “Oh, don’t give me any grief about it. Y/B/N is coming and I don’t want the place looking like the Spirit store.”

You knew you couldn't really fight her on this. It would be more frustrating to have to argue and still not be able to put everything back to how it was until she left. Taking a deep breath, you walked yourself to your room to get changed into comfortable clothes and light some sage for your nerves.

Three more days.

—

One more week.

In a week's time, Blaise Zabini and Theodore Nott were to come to New York to spend the month of December with Draco and to say he was excited was an understatement.

He was excited, nervous, and many other feelings that he was too stressed to name. The guest room was prepared for the two of them to share, all he had to do was figure out what to do with them while they were here. He had taken a week off and had no idea what to do. He still hadn’t gone around the city he lived in. He could always ask his friends at Saint Marie but for some reason, he was too shy to.

He could always ask Mrs. Charles for recommendations on what to do. She was a sweet muggle neighbor that he came to like as well as her husband. He could also ask you, but it’s been over a week since he spoke to you in your yards. From glimpses into your window, you seemed so exhausted. Not that he really cared, but he remembered that you would try to get along better and so far, all he’s done was give a nod towards your direction when he walked into his home as you were leaving yours.

His bedroom blinds were always closed now because he knew that if he were to see you doing your… whatever you do in your room just once, he’d change his mind about the whole thing. It still bothered him, but not as bad as it did when he first saw it.

Draco’s stomach growled as he sat on his couch, bringing him out of his thoughts and walked over to the kitchen. To his despair, his pantry, cabinets, and fridge were all empty. Guess I’ll have to grab something. He pondered on what he was in the mood for as he ran out the door. Draco figured he'd just figure it out as he drove around the streets downtown.

Since moving to America, he found so many new cuisines than he had ever imagined. He usually always ate at home, and if his family ever ate outside of home they usually went to the finest restaurants in France. Of course, they were all wizard-owned restaurants. But in New York, he’s been introduced to new things. For one, he had his first ever hamburger with Blaine. Ashley took him to a Chinese restaurant, and Ian bought Draco a traditional New York pizza.

Yes, all these things existed in London. Maybe not so much New York-style pizza, but there was pizza. Draco, however, never had the opportunity to try any of these foods. Lucius was extremely strict about eating out. It was never necessary considering he could afford the best quality foods to be made at home. When they did eat at restaurants in France, it was only because a higher official at the Ministry had invited them for a night out.

Around the streets, the bright lights of buildings and restaurants lit the streets as he drove around them. Draco turned into a street he hadn’t been into yet in hopes to find something else he could find to try. There were a couple places he hadn’t been into; a Greek restaurant, a Brazillian one, and a couple shops. There was one shop close to the end of the street. It was sandwiched between two boutiques and had a neon green and purple sign in the front. Soul Beads. In front of the building was a man with a weird sign in one hand and an even weirder thing that seemed to have made his voice louder in the other. Draco couldn’t make of the rubbish he was yelling into the thing from inside his car.

Draco pulled to the curb to walk around the street and check out the restaurants. A bell jingle caught his attention, turning around to see one person he didn’t really expect to see here. “Draco?” your face showed the same expression as his. He watched as you closed the door to Soul Beads and walked up to him. The weird man that stood in front of the store yelled out, “DON’T TALK TO HER, THIS BITCH HERE WORKS FOR THE DEVIL!”

“Do you know him?” Draco asks with a quirked eyebrow. The stranger kept yelling profanities at you but Draco saw how you couldn’t be bothered by it. “He does this every couple weeks. What brings you out here?” Your hands were stuffed tightly in your pockets for warmth.

“Do you own the street? Can I not be here?” he asked sarcastically. You faced him with a deadpan look as to ask him again without having to say the words to him. Or call him a smartass. Which he is. With a roll of his eyes, he continued, “I’m looking for something to eat but I’ve never been to these places before.”

“Ah,” you started, “Well I don’t know what kind of stuff you’re used to, but I suggest the Greek restaurant right across. Over-priced, but the best gyros you’ll ever have in Buffalo.”

“It’s yee-roh, not jahy-row.” Draco corrected. He couldn’t tell if you were irritated or confused after he said that. Probably both.

“You know Greek?” you asked.

“I studied it when I was a child. My tutor showed me the word once and hit my hand when I had mispronounced it. Learned the hard way to never do that again,” flashbacks to the older woman teaching him the language cursed his mind for a few seconds.

His stomach growled even louder now in the silence between them. Draco blushed in embarrassment, shifting around to look away so you wouldn’t see. You slightly chuckled and tapped his shoulder. “Come on, neighbor’s treat.” And you walked onto the busy street.

This bloody woman is crazy to be crossing a busy street he thought as he rushed to follow you across the street. He got scared as a car got too close and ran to the safety of the sidewalk. “You’re gonna get yourself bloody killed one of these days like that,” he scolded. “If you’re gonna live in New York, you’re gonna have to deal with annoying pedestrians and sometimes be an annoying pedestrian. Be glad you don’t live in Manhattan, they’re worse. A person could be hit by a car and he’d just get on up and keep walking.” you informed.

Draco would be lying to himself if he said that didn’t spook him a little. Sure, he’s seen a few students get hexed, some by him, but they’d never just dealt with it and continued walking in the halls. They’d either have to hope their friends knew the counter curse or they’d end up in the hospital wing and had Madam Pomfrey help them back to normal. These muggles really are just… strange.

The restaurant looked old and desperately needed a remodel but by Merlin, it smelled amazing. “Now, are you getting a yee-roh sandwich or are you getting something else?” you mocked his previous correction with a playful roll of your eyes. Draco looked at the menu but it didn’t matter as he didn’t know the first thing about Greek food. What the hell did my father force me to take lessons for? “Do you want me to just order for you?” you asked as he kept browsing for too long. There were only 12 things on the menu but it still confused him.

He held back a snarl as he agreed to your help. He stood aside as you ordered and waited until it sounded like you were done, then headed up to the window to pay. “Oh, you don’t have to. I insisted I would pay,” you tried to push his hand away and reach for your credit card but he proceeded to hand the money to the cashier. “It’s nothing.”

“Here or to-go?” the lady asked with a thick New York accent. The two of you just looked at each other waiting for someone to say something. “Do you want to just-”

“Eat it here?” He looked at the small space and saw only one unoccupied table by the window. One of two tables. No longer growling, his stomach was shaking nearly violently, indicating that he can’t wait any longer. It was a strange feeling to be starving. Never had he ever had to wait for food at Malfoy Manor nor at Hogwarts. Whether it was house elves or first years, someone always ran to get him food with a snap of his fingers. “Yeah, here’s fine.”

The lady handed your plates to you as he went to claim the small table before someone else did. He looked around the space with a slight disgusted look. It’s not that it was run by muggles, but just because the place looks so old and kind of dirty. Even the house elves at the Manor lived in better conditions. The corner he sat in made him feel slightly claustrophobic. How do they sit and enjoy anything like this?

You sat the food on the table and shook your jacket off on to the chair. Draco watched as you placed the plates as neatly in front of you both. He couldn’t help but notice the rings that covered most of your fingers. Some were simple silver bands, some bronze bands, and some looked like wire that had a wrapped, colorful rock in the center. They were mismatched but coordinated at the same time. If that made any actual sense.

You started some simple small-talk, “So, what brings you all the way out here?”

“I got a better job opportunity,” Draco responded. His voice sounded uninterested, and his eyes stared at the plate. It had three pieces of meat on a bed of white rice, a small salad and a little dipping bowl of some white sauce. He dipped the meat into the sauce and as he tasted it, he nearly groaned in content. The flavors danced around his mouth and he had to hold himself back from devouring the whole plate in a matter of seconds.

He could feel you staring at him but chose not to look up to see judgement in your eyes. Whether it was with amusement or not. The food was so good and he would most definitely order another one to-go on his way out for his lunch break tomorrow. I’m definitely bringing Blaise and Theo here.

“What kind of job do you do?” Draco stopped chewing his food and swallowed nervously. He should’ve expected this kind of question sooner or later, but here he was sitting in silence trying to figure out what to say. He couldn’t just tell you that he’s a Healer because then that would lead to more questions and that’d be more answers he couldn’t give you. “What, you don’t wanna tell me?” you furrowed your eyebrows at him as he continued his silence.

Finally, the word popped in his mind, “I’m a doctor.” Hopefully that ends that conversation.

“That’s cool, what kind of doctor are you?” Shit. There’s more than one kind?

“Uh, I work with people who come into the hospital with major injuries like a broken arm and such,” Draco stuttered.

“So, an emergency room doctor. You work in the ER then,” you concluded with a hand over your mouth as you chewed. “Y-yeah, that.” Draco tried not to sound suspicious. “What about you?”

You cleared your throat, drank some of your soda and pointed out the window, “You see that store over there? Soul Beads? That’s my store.” It was weird how coincidental it was that of all streets to drive into and of all people to run into, he ran into you coming out of your personally owned store. Looking back at you, he saw your face relax and smile at the building. “What do you sell? I’m assuming it’s not food seeing as you didn’t invite me in.”

Now it was time for you to stutter, “Oh, just candles and stuff. Nothing too flashy.” You poked at your food and took small bites of it. There was an awkward silence between you two for about ten minutes before you started the conversation before, “Assuming you don’t celebrate Thanksgiving, will you just be working that day?” Draco didn’t know much about the holiday, only that he was getting paid more that day.

“Yeah, I’ll be at the hospital for the night. Probably until four in the morning.”

“Well that sucks. You’ll miss out on the greatest American tradition that is Black Friday,” you chuckled.

“What’s that?” Yet another thing Draco didn’t understand.

“Black Friday is when people fight to the death for a discount on things like appliances and tvs. It’s quite amusing to watch,” you slightly exaggerated. Keyword slightly. Draco had wide eyes as he heard the description. “I’m sorry, to the death?”

With that, you laughed so hard you placed one hand flat against your chest and the other held the table with a tight grip as if you were to fall from your seat. He then realized you actually didn’t mean to the literal death and mentally scolded himself for being so gullible. You continued laughing and he rolled his eyes before chuckling to himself. You leaned back up and wiped some tears underneath your eyes, “Oh my god, I needed that laugh.”

A shiver went up Draco’s spine once he caught a glimpse of your smile. It wasn’t like he hadn’t seen you smile at all. Before your little argument, you would smile towards him and all the other neighbors all the time. But this never happened before. He looked away from your eyes and tried to find anything else to look at. Tilting his head up, he saw an air conditioning unit. Oh, that’s why.

Small talk ended there with a clear of his throat and proposed to go home. Draco saw how you looked a little disappointed and forced a small, kind smile on your face, “Yeah, it’s getting kinda late and I don’t want to keep my mother waiting. God knows what she’s done to my house while I was gone.” He wasn’t going to keep pressing on the matter as he figured they still weren’t close enough for that. One dinner didn’t make them friends in his book. It wasn’t terrible, though. Maybe he would do it again.

Walking to their own cars, she said “See you around, neighbor,” and got into her car and drove off. He just nodded his head as he always did and drove off as well. They arrived home at the same time and walked inside without looking at each other, thinking that it would just be weird to keep saying goodbye.

—

It was finally Thanksgiving, and Y/B/N and Stephanie were going to be over around three in the afternoon. Your mother was more of a pain than usual, waking you up at six in the morning to do last minute cleaning, grocery shopping, and starting on roasting the ham. The loud argument over ham or turkey in the grocery store the week before lasted for an embarrassing two hours after your mother caved and let you pick the main entree for dinner.

Once you got an hour to yourself, you went to your closet in the hall and grabbed a small glass jar then walked to your backyard for some lavender. You walked to the kitchen for a stick of cinnamon, placed the items on the kitchen counter and walked quickly to your room for something small. Your eyes found a loose ribbon on the floor and grabbed it then went back to the kitchen.

You put all the items into the jar and browsed the kitchen for one more thing. There was a bouquet of flowers on the dining table that your mother bought. Perfect. You grabbed a couple flowers and took the petals to mix in the jar. Once you were done, you chanted to yourself three times:

“Goddess, please take the negativity out of this kitchen.

Replace it with positivity and love. So mote it be.”

You heard your mother waking up from her nap from the guest room and ran into the kitchen to hide the jar somewhere she couldn’t see it. The spell can’t exactly work if she sees something to nag about. She walks in the kitchen and sees you looking suspicious.

She looks at you with squinted eyes - mainly because she had just woken up - but said, “I’m not gonna ask what you’re up to. Can you make the potato salad? I like the way you make it better.” You silently agreed as you looked for the things in the fridge and grabbed a large bowl to mix it in. Your mother walks up to one of the cabinets to grab a pot to boil the potatoes with, only to find the thing you tried to hide. “What’s this, honey?”

You stammered over your words trying to find an explanation before she cut you off, “It’s pretty with all the things in there. You should keep it out.” She placed it beside a photo on the countertop and walked away to fill the pot with water. You were surprised she didn’t ask any further questions. You continued cooking and had a hopeful smile on your face. Maybe it won’t be so bad tonight.

The doorbell rang and you both looked at the clock on the wall. It read 1:55 and you looked at each other in confusion. “Y/B/N must be early,” your mother guessed and went to the door to let him in. The greeting was loud as she greeted him in. You could hear your little brother’s laugh with enthusiasm as he walked into your kitchen, “What’s up, big sis?”

You placed the utensils down and ran up to him with your arms up, “I’ve missed you too, baby brother.” He was much taller than you as he picked you up and hugged you tightly. You slightly swung your legs to give him the signal to let you go. He got his height from your dad, leaving you short thanks to your mother. Your brother had a big smile on his face and you reciprocated the smile. It’s been a long time since you’ve seen each other.

“Oh, lemme introduce you. Steph, c’mere!” He looked over his shoulder and called for the special guest. A beautiful woman with long, chocolate brown hair and doe blue eyes walked next to Y/B/N. “It’s so nice to meet you, I’m Stephanie.” She held her hand out causing you to quickly wipe your hands on your apron. “Hi, I’m Y/N.”

“Y/B/N has told me so much about you. I was so nervous to meet you,” Stephanie admitted with a slight blush on her cheeks. “I wonder what this dummy told you. I bet you I can tell you more embarrassing stories about him,” you jabbed his arm.

“That’s not fair, I didn’t say anything all that bad. You’ll hex me or some shit,” he had his hands up in defense.

“Y/B/N!” Your eyes widened and you laughed nervously, “Don’t listen to him, he’s an idiot.”

Stephanie looked back and forth at the two of you and finally settled on you, waving a hand, “Oh no, that’s okay. I practice, too.” Wait, what? It seemed your mother thought the same exact thing, only out loud. “Yeah, Stephanie also does the same thing you do. Crazy, right?”

Your mother stood shocked before them, not saying anything. Your brother had a smile that wasn’t exactly fitting the situation. Stephanie had a kind smile, and although you were visibly surprised that your little brother’s girlfriend was, of all things, also a Wiccan, you were laughing inside at your mother.

This is gonna be the most interesting Thanksgiving ever.

—

next chp

(っ◔◡◔)っ taglist: @beiahadid @malfoy-styles-wife @fivenightslaughter @juneballoon999 @leydileyla @fangirlanotherjust @originalsoulcollector @opiomancy @lipstickandloveletters @ninacotte @daedric-sorceress @frecklesandfirecrackers

#draco malfoy #draco malfoy imagine #draco malfoy au #draco malfoy angst #draco malfoy fluff #draco malfoy smut #draco malfoy fic #draco malfoy x muggle!reader #draco malfoy x reader #draco malfoy x you #draco malfoy x female reader #draco x you #draco x y/n #draco x muggle!reader #draco x female reader

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transsexualhamlet · 3 years

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asmr i psychoanalyze hide for fun

a lot of these are just stupid headcanons but a lot are also how i feel that’s just the way he is so

I know no one will read this it’s so very long but hello he’s my comfort character

(the words are under the cut bc THERE ARE SO MANY WORDS)

thoughts: It’s funny because most of the characters that I really love are just fucking idiots. So stupid. No thoughts head empty. And like at first glance you’d think the same with Hide, he’s got the look of a real dumbass, but he’s actually a really smart person? He just kind of, hides it. He did say he was like allergic to books once (it’s the adhd, king) but that doesn’t change the fact that he emotionally is actually a very intelligent person. It’s something he’s humble about because I don’t believe he really identifies with the intellectual crowd or sees himself as particularly above average, he just finds it easy to understand things. And he doesn’t ever use it for his own advantage even when it would be totally fine to do so, he pretty much always uses it to help other people and I think he believes if he used his strengths to help himself it would be, like, selfish. Which is a problem of his.

gemder n brand of gay: A lot of people in yonder Fandom like to see kaneki as bi and hide as gay but nah fam you’re off. Honestly I do not care about his Date With Rize in the slightest, that man is a homosexual. Hide is the bi one. (it’s not like this is a requirement or anything lmao i am just Saying also i’m bi and i’m projecting) I can also say with confidence that date with Rize was the only date Kaneki’s ever been on and he was definitely lying to himself. (i just, don’t know how you could look at Haise specifically and for one second think he has ever seen a boob) Hide’s the one who’s probably dated people before and he actually knows what’s attractive, he probably just doesn’t discuss that a lot with Kaneki since the bitch is Closeted and hide knows this. It’s funny because Hide canonically has two dads. Like I think that kind of explains him tbh. Bitch has good parents??? He’s the only one but we love him for it. U know Kaneki spent more of his life at Hide’s house than his own.

And as to gender, like obviously hide’s a guy, but i think he’s one of the few cisgenders who could like... tell you why. He’s well versed in those kinds of issues and has just thought about it a lot I guess? He’s comfortable in his skin and with a conventionally masculine appearance but he could tell you what Boy TM means other than yo macho man dude bro guy

personality type- ENFP-T: I took the fucking test for him and it was like... so easy. Took me ten minutes.

basically what this means is it just calls him out as a fucken loud ass sunshine boy who has very many emotion and cares way too much about his friend

love how this part of the description describes kaneki and hide perfectly

biggest strength: he’s so good at helping people?? Like I can honestly say if some random person started rambling about their relationship issues to him I’d give him 10 minutes before he had a perfect solution, he had the person crying and being comforted in just the right way. He’s the perfect medium of confident and caring and he’s not just a fucking ray of sunshine on accident, he’s like, mob psycho 100 style actively working to be nice and compassionate. He’s very aware of how his actions affect people and he always knows just the right thing to say, what to do, when to just let things go or when to say them. And Hide will forgive, literally anything, even if someone does something really shitty to him he’ll realize it’s the product of like, unresolved mental issues or something and seek to fix it instead of cutting the person off. It’s... really good for everyone around him. But well,,, not great for him, see below.

biggest weakness: bitch does nOT leave room for himself. Although he is generally a confident person and isn’t very insecure, he knows he’s giving too much of himself and simply ‘pretend i do not see it but in reality i do’. He’s never put himself first and feels more worthy when he makes someone else happy, and it’s really not that visible but it can take a pretty big toll on him. He’ll feel anger and frustration for his problems but eventually he will end up blaming himself for anything that goes wrong and will just resolve to Try Harder. (which, mood) He does problem solve well and he tries to come up with the best solutions to issues but the fact is he just does not prioritize his own happiness within those solutions. He gives too much and it’s fucking killing him.

what he likes most about himself: Although he does have issues obviously, I don’t see Hide as someone who has particularly low esteem of himself. I think he pretty much thinks he has himself figured out and therefore other people’s problems come first. He generally does, think fondly of himself, because most of the time he can fix people’s problems so he’s yknow, a good person. I think he likes his ability to enjoy life and live in the moment, and he likes his connections and friendships with other people. He values emotional connection and he likes that he can easily create and enjoy good vibes. He loves being the one who everyone just... goes to for a good time.

favorite things: I think I heard somewhere that he enjoys dumb american bands without really understanding what they’re saying which seems very on brand for him, but I’m gonna perscribe him some other stuff too. Obviously he likes bright colors and comic books, and places where he can have fun with other people. He generally likes college, even though it’s like, school, and unlike kaneki he actually had a good childhood and he enjoys the places he spent time and formed good memories, he has Nostalgia TM (see unbelievable by owl city hmmm he vibes to that he was born in 1996 or something right i can’t google things) he also just really likes to just, fix other people’s problems but we’ve covered that.

what he’s doing right and what he’s doing wrong: Hide is doing his best. He’s no less flawed than any of the other characters in tokyo ghoul, it’s just that his strategies tend to involve 100% less murder. Ok no, let me rephrase that, Hide is flawed, but i meant like emotionally, he’s not a war criminal like everyone else. He may seem at first glance like, just, perfect? Sorry for being a simp lmao but I feel like from the outside he’s just got it all together right? He knows what he’s doing and he’s super nice and helpful and smart and humble and just doesn’t have any visible flaws? He... tends to hide any evidence that he would ever be struggling. And that’s not very sexy of him. He feels it would be a burden on others to show pain or ever say he can’t take something on (if someone asked him to do something he’d do it even if he was already mentally at capacity etc) and that’s something he needs to work on. The good thing is that if they got to a point where after Kaneki’s Character Development they got to just... like, be happy and not be separated and everything Kaneki would be good for him because he compliments that. Hide helps him because he needs a lot of like, mental counseling lmao but now that Kaneki’s gone through a lot of that his eyes have been opened more to the fact that Hide hides his problems from Kaneki so if they could just bE HAPPY this is an issue that could be resolved

insecurities: I think Hide kind of believes he’s not allowed to be sad. Cause it’s like, not his job. He’s the source of happiness for everyone else, supposed to have everything together so he can fix everyone else’s problems. he’s not allowed to be in pain or feel bad for himself even though he knows “Boys Can Cry” it’s like, yes boys can cry, not me tho haha lmao it’s not about his masculinity it’s just he’s like “yeah but kaneki’s had it worse” so like if he finds himself in a bad place, he feels inadequate and like... fundametally broken. and it’s. Like. I felt that but also like king that’s not how it works

goal in life: I think he wouldn’t really be able to answer that question. What the truth would be is that he probably wants to do something grand and important that helps a lot of people and kind of changes the world. But he might not really think of it that way, since he’s usually focused more on smaller more isolated issues and he has no idea what he wants to do as a career. He admires activists and people who put themselves at risk but it probably makes him feel inferior that someone else is Doing Something About This Big Problem and he’s just sitting there riding around on his bisexual bike and being in college. (I’d like to say he’s probably changed majors at least a few times,,, that man was like “oh yeah lmao i’m gonna be a comic book artist” but someone said something about how he’s a good therapist and he’s like “brb kinshift i am now a psychology major” lmao.) (hello i am projecting but i’m right) He sees a tumblr post about some issue somewhere and he hyperfixates on it for days until he sees another post about something worse it’s an issue. But I think what he ended up doing was what he wanted to, even if he never recieved any recognition for it the internal sense that he was doing something Right TM in the eyes of history would probably make him cry

how he was raised: I can’t really say much to this because there’s barely any canon on this and the canon that does exist I have completely ignored other than the fact that he has two dads. Bro tbh? He didn’t need any tragic emo backstory I think he had a great childhood. Honestly he’s probably a rich kid. Not super rich but he’s not struggling man. Not gonna lie to you I think the only reason he went to Kamii was because he wanted to be at the same college as Kaneki who probably got a scholarship. Hide, didn’t. (it’s not like he’s not intelligent but I don’t really think that his grades are his biggest priority, the only time he ever pays attention in class is to give kaneki the answers when he’s gone)

What irks me about the random lore drop in the last chapter about him having a CCG dad that died or whatever- it kind of ruins the whole point for me. Personally I choose to believe he had nothing whatsoever to do with ghouls or the ccg before all that happened to Kaneki. He probably had correct opinions on them, but only like, in theory, it’s like straight people that are like “yeah ofc gay ppl valid” but they’ve never really had any personal experience with any. So when he gets involved in that- the fact is that the only reason he was... was bc of kaneki. It was never more complicated than that to me. YKNOW, SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST, NICE, OK?

And I think for me that the fact that he could actively choose to be nice and be aware of all these problems when he’s practically got every advantage in life is a lot more important. He didn’t have to be poor or have a dead parent or have a shitty childhood for him to be really genuinely good. I don’t think he’s ever been bullied or anything, but he can still be aware that it sucks to be bullied. I think he was just... raised right. I think his dads are probably pretty fucking baller for him to be such a bro. They taught him the right shit.

General philosophy: Hide is one of the only people in the series for whom the dynamics of right and wrong are not hard to understand. He’s never been required to pick up a weapon or actually truly fight in the CCG, he’s never been really mean to anyone. Of course I can say he’s probably decked a few ppl that made fun of Kaneki in middle school, but haven’t we all. The thing is that though he’s never suffered at the hands of others, everything that’s hurt him he’s gone in fully consenting to it- he can still understand and forgive what everyone else has done. Like bro he’s the literal only one around who’s not like a literal war criminal, but he’s not going to think he’s better because of it, because he understands that if he had been in their circumstances he couldn’t say how he would have turned out.

That’s why I think it’s so important that he never really had a bad childhood- he’s not better than them for turning out without any blood on his hands, because he was never required to. And he knows that and he goes through every day with all these people who have and is conscious of it. He can’t ever say he’s incapable of hurting other people, because he would have said that about Kaneki before all of it happened. So he’s quite politically correct compared to Kaneki and the others but he doesn’t see things that way.

relationship bullshit: i mean bro i know this is a serious post about like psychological and emotional things but i felt the need to discuss whY does everyone write hide as a bottom I mean like sure he’d bottom if his partner was a top but this is simply not the case with kaneki look at him. Hide. Service top. I rest my case. The man’s the biggest switch ever but when he’s a top he’s a nice top. I think Kaneki needs that to be perfectly honest. He really likes to take care of people. Also kind of off topic but his love language is quality time he just wants to play video games wit da homies and he might fall in love a bit

I find it genuinely funny how much i cannot get away from the tentacle porn on the god forsaken archive of our own just looking at the tags i already know it’s so out of character haitoheoihesdsdsa and don’t get me started on the vore

how kaneki sees him vs how he actually is: One of the biggest problems in kaneki and hide’s relationship is how in the beginning, Kaneki didn’t really understand at all that Hide could be hiding anything from him. Kaneki’s not good at picking up clues like that in general, but the fact that he was hiding so much himself didn’t help at all. Hide gives off the vibe of someone who has no inhibitions and shows every side of himself without hesitation, and Kaneki really does idolize that. He didn’t realize that Hide could possibly be suffering or imperfect compared to his vision. He sees Hide as practically an angel, and that’s exactly how Hide wants Kaneki to see him, because he doesn’t want to burden Kaneki with his own problems since he believes they’re not as important and they would make Kaneki sad. Kaneki knew Hide wasn’t as oblivious as he seemed, but he didn’t really understand what that meant until too late. The good thing about Kaneki’s character development though is that it then helps Kaneki understand that Hide was suffering because of him and he didn’t want Hide to hide it anymore (lmao). If they’d only executed that point well that could have been really good but well that’s what fanfic is for

how he sees kaneki vs how kaneki actually is: This one’s a lot more difficult, because well. Hide’s very good at knowing exactly how people are in their hearts, compared to Kaneki. But there are definitely some things that he’s not super up on. He wasn’t around for a lot of Kaneki’s development, so most of the time I think he still believes Kaneki doesn’t want to see his pain, which is, simply incorrect, Kaneki would obviously not be happy to hear it but it would tear him up inside to realize he’s been oblivious to it the whole time. He’s grown a lot more mature since he spent most of his time with Hide, and I really think Hide could benefit from being able to open up to Kaneki the way he is now. And well. I think his biggest misconception has to be that Kaneki enjoyed women lmao

the most him thing i’ve ever done: listening to a happy upbeat song and visibly bopping while also uncontrollably sobbing

miscellaneous headcanons:

-he’s a morning person lmao. Motherfucker gets up at 6 AM and Kaneki is like PL EA SE NO

-what he finds attractive is like. twinks and girls with hair in colors that don’t exist and ppl who don’t know what gender is

-He likes Imagine Dragons lmao you can see by the next point

-his coping mechanisms are mostly music and other people tbh he’s like “oh i am having emotions? disgusting” *goes to a party*

-he plays dnd and he mains a warlock i don’t make the rules

-he doesn’t look like someone who would do that shit but he probably knows how to use tarot cards

-idk how but that motherfucker is so neurodivergent i can smell the hyperempathy on him look at that man he has so much adhd

-he’s fully aware that his fashion sense is terrible and continues to wear more and more ridiculous clothes to piss kaneki off

-this man has tungle dot fuck. Look at him. His url is probably something along the lines of my ao3 username lmao

-he can see the forbidden shrimp colors smh

-this bitch likes mob psycho 100 and the promised neverland, kaneki keeps telling him to watch death note and he’s just like n o hhsdfhhfdshdfshdfs he probably kins tpn emma

-he doesn’t know how to drive lmao he bikes everywhere and he lives in tokyo

-i am once again thinking about how he was in a play with kaneki and kaneki was the main character and he was the spicy side character that’s not a headcanon just. that

songs that are, him:

-Stand By You (Rachel Platten)

-Luck (American Authors)

-Love (Imagine Dragons)

-If I Lose Myself (One Republic)

-Stardust (New Politics)

-Secrets (also one republic)

-Flaws (Bastille)

-100 Bad Days (AJR)

-I Lived (another one republic lmao)

-Battle Scars (Paradise Fears)

-Rise Up (Imagine Dragons)

yeah he definitely listens to this shit lmao

#tokyo ghoul #hideyoshi nagachika #hidekane #kanehide #jesus christ i am hyperfixated #rowan's hyperfixation essays

88 notes · View notes

mallowstep · 3 years

Note

(I came up with this au while in debate class so I'm calling it the Debate AU if you don't mind)

Tigerstar absolutely misread everything about Riverclan and fucked up so bad by keeping Stonefur, Mistyfoot Featherpaw, and Stormpaw alive and well and healthy but basically doing everything to Leopardstar that he does to Mistyfoot and Feathertail and Leopardstar in the Misty and Leopard AUs that Stone pulls a Scourge in front of all the clans and everyone looks at Stonefur in terror but Stonefur only has eyes for Leopardstar, who is leaning heavily on Mistyfoot. (Like Leopard is beat down, she's loosing hair, and she has deeply infected scratches on her shoulders.Stone and Misty fucking Hate Tigerstar for what he's done to this cat they've known all their lives.) Stonefur kicks Shadowclan the fuck out of Riverclan territory, Mistyfoot doesn't let Mudfur near Leopardstar (neither does Featherpaw, for that matter. She wasn't abused and she's healthy, but she was traumatized in-Tigerstar had her watch Mudfur abuse Leopardstar and Tigerstar himself told Featherpaw Greystripe thought the same things about her.) Featherpaw won't let any warriors in Leopardstar's den unless she's in there with Leopardstar ---so Featherpaw can protect Leopardstar. The silver furred apprentice curls around her leader, "I'm right here, Leopardstar. Stonefur and Mistyfoot are talking to the other clans and then they'll be back. Stonefur said he'd bring back your favorite." Featherpaw added, purring as she groomed Leopardstar's head. "Stormpaw said he went and got the best trinket for your new den though, and he thinks it's going to be your choice over uncle Stonefur's."

damn anon. thank you. hold on i'm going to engage.

also fair like. i'm. i'm out of the haze and not good at keeping track of au tags so. the only ones i'm really tagging for are the ones i'm like. still thinking about. stone au atm. just didn't want like. u to be. think it was a thing. i'm just tired 100% of the time. anyway.

cw: sexual assault, physical abuse, a few more detailed cws immediately under the cut

cws: parent being involved in sexual assault of child, child sexual abuse (via exposure)

cool. sometimes it's like. i dunno. anyway. sorry i said i'm tired but also very into this.

anyway /nm but also reminder to everyone that i have adhd and would prefer if you included paragraph breaks. obviously i just copy it into a document and add my own but. i appreciate when you save me the step. like i get it y'all've seen me ramble at Length in one paragraph before i just. appreciate it.

okay back on topic.

i'm going to sidestep riverclan related concerns for the sake of "angst good," lmao. riverclan related concerns being if i wasn't tired i could easily come up with a justification i'm just tired and lazy.

but like yeah like. uh. dammit i'm already opening up tpb books left and right. let me just.

"But common sense says there’ll be a battle, Firestar. I don’t need an omen from StarClan to tell me that."

oh my god can cinderpelt like. go and talk to all of the modern medicine cats so that they stop flipping out because starclan isn't answering their texts or whatever.

Remembering the wounded and devastated cats in the WindClan camp the day before, he had expected only a small group to come to Fourtrees. Instead practically every warrior must have been there.

i mean windclan has like five warriors but-

Firestar waved his tail to signal to the two united Clans—LionClan, he thought with a rush of pride. This was his destiny.

this is mostly for jace (assuming u see this) bc it's the whole "importance of lionclan existing" thing i was referring to. didn't bother to pull quotes on my dotc rant, but here u go.

so. point of canon divergence* is:

“Greetings, Tigerstar,” he meowed coolly. “You came, then. Not still looking for those prisoners you lost from RiverClan territory?” Tigerstar let out a snarl. “You’ll regret that day’s work, Firestar.” “Try and make me,” Firestar retorted.

* from firestar's pov

bc obviously that didn't happen.

no, what happens is firestar sees -- blackfoot and darkstripe and.

leopardstar.

firestar harbours no affection for riverclan's leader. but. even from a distance, he can see her ribs. he'd be surprised she was standing on her own, if he wasn't processing everything else going on.

he doesn't see this part.

Mistyfoot's tail flicks to Stonefur's shoulder, and he nods. They've only exchanged a few words, only had a brief moment, but they're ready.

Stonefur glances back. Featherpaw and Stormpaw are out of the way. He hopes, if this goes wrong, they have the sense to run. If they had the chance, he would have told them to skirt the edge of TigerClan and try to make it as deep into ThunderClan's territory as they could.

He hopes they have the sense to figure that out for themselves.

Firestar is exposing Tigerstar's plans. RiverClan doesn't react. There's not much they'd be surprised by, Stonefur muses. If Firestar told them Tigerstar killed his own kit, he doesn't think he'd be shocked.

Mistyfoot slips towards the front of the crowd. Leopardstar doesn't know, of course. Stonefur has barely had the chance to say two words to her in the past moon. He slinks around to the space between the Clans.

Firestar finishes his speech. No one says anything. Firestar looks takenaback. He glances towards Leopardstar; Stonefur does too. Mistyfoot is watching him, but she's looking at the ground.

A part of Stonefur wants to say, "That's not all." Because, as he starts to run, preparing to leap at Tigerstar, he wants them to know why. He wants them to know what Tigerstar has done. He wants them to revel in Tigerstar's death.

But he doesn't.

Tigerstar sees him, of course. Stonefur isn't trying to be subtle.

"You," Tigerstar growls.

Say it, Stonefur thinks. Tell them what you've done.

But Tigerstar doesn't.

The actual fight is a blur. He doesn't think he is himself again, until Tigerstar's corpse twitches and stills, and he looks towards Leopardstar. Mistyfoot has inserted herself between Leopardstar and Blackfoot, and Stonefur nods minutely.

It's over now.

the clans, of course, are...shocked. riverclan has no complaints, and while...everyone (more or less) is happy tigerstar is dead, but...for thunderclan and windclan, stonefur just murdered him without direct provocation. and the fact that he killed him nine times? direct violation of a warrior doesn't need to kill.

like. if they Knew, they would think stonefur just. but they don't know.

and riverclan doesn't want to explain and shadowclan doesn't want to explain and no i'm not at this moment figuring out what happens wrt bloodclan and so forth. i just wanted to set that scene.

yeah. no idea what happens next in a lot of places here. but.

everyone goes home.

("Your territory," Stonefur growls.

"Obviously," Blackfoot says.)

mistyfoot takes leopardstar to her den. stonefur tells stormpaw to run to thunderclan and ask for their medicine cat. tells him to say it's urgent and he can't explain here. tells him that if they want to send her with a warrior or two, don't argue. just get her here.

featherpaw stations herself outside leopardstar's den.

stonefur feels like he should say something. he's still covered in tigerstar's blood.

"we're taking this down," he says, "now."

they dismantle the bonehill.

once the process has been started, stonefur lets the rest of the warriors finish, and grooms himself and washes in the river until he's satisfied every trace of blood has been taken care of.

he's about to see her when stormpaw arrives with cinderpelt and...hm. sandstorm.

(cinderpelt was there. she saw leopardstar. she can start to put pieces together.)

stonefur greets them, and featherpaw goes to tell mistyfoot and leopardstar, and the adrenaline is fading, his limbs starting to tremble. when's the last time he got any real sleep?

"Stormpaw said you needed a medicine cat," Cinderpelt says.

"We do."

"Did something happen to Mudfur?"

"He can't do this." Stonefur's tail flicks. "We need someone to look at Leopardstar -- you can use our herbs, of course, whatever you need."

Cinderpelt blinks. She's a young cat, Stonefur thinks, too young to be looking at him like she understands. Maybe it's part of being a medicine cat.

"Right then. Does Leopardstar know I'm coming?"

"Featherpaw is telling her."

and stonefur isn't going to follow cinderpelt into leopardstar's den.

for one, it's crowded enough, and he'd probably just get kicked out. for another, he doesn't know what leopardstar and cinderpelt will talk about, but -- he doesn't want to force himself into it.

cinderpelt stays for a while. sandstorm runs proxy, taking some herbs to her, but then she stays with cinderpelt. stonefur has probably been up for over a day when cinderpelt and sandstorm nod.

"take some prey before you leave," he says. "riverclan won't forget this."

"i went over some things with mistyfoot," cinderpelt says. "always good to have some basic herb knowledge."

cats don't have a direct analogue for kissing, but stonefur could kiss cinderpelt for having the grace to say that without letting on why. it's not like riverclan doesn't know. everyone knows.

but.

it's still appreciated.

As the sun rises, Stonefur stands, facing into Leopardstar's den.

"Can I come in?"

Her eyes are watching him. Even they have been changed: no longer the brilliant gold he remembers, but something brassy and dull.

"Of course."

Featherpaw slips past him, taking his place as sentry. She needs to sleep, Stonefur thinks, but it might be best to wait until she's too exhausted to keep her eyes open. He's not above carrying her back to her den like a kit.

Leopardstar starts to stand.

"Don't," Stonefur says. "It's alright."

He hates that seeing her like this is not foreign to him.

Mistyfoot curls up, her eyes closed, a compromise. Stonefur sinks to the ground. "Can I -- do anything?"

Leopardstar looks at the empty space in her nest. "Would you stay with me?"

"Of course." (Anything.)

yeah. uh. i think like. i dunno. it's not like tigerstar ever showed leopardstar a single ounce of kindness. so. uh. am i using that as an excuse to sidestep angst? no. no i am not. well. not entirely. but Damn leopardstar needs a hug.

that she can initiate and control.

but still. she's desperately deprived of positive human contact and as someone who cried once because someone put their hand on my shoulder and i hadn't touched another human being in like six months. i think she needs it.

ohh boy yeah. i think y'all know me well enough to know where i'd go with that angle.

so let me turn my attention to featherpaw. i started answering this ask like an hour ago. anon i love you.

featherpaw has. uh. she's got a Lot of problems. as you can probably understand.

i'd say let's start at the top, but i'm not sure where that is, so let's start with her relationship to stormpaw, because i think that should get fucked up. i think...you know how stormpaw says, "i won't let him kill us"? and. yeah.

but there's never One Moment here and stormpaw realizes way too late and featherpaw feels like...you know like. everyone who is supposed to help her is failing her. she can't really blame leopardstar, and mistyfoot clearly feels bad, and stonefur like. idk what he was doing but she's solidly neutral on him.

could tigerstar try to fuck all of that up? of course he could. do i want to write featherpaw and stonefur arguing about leopardstar? i've already written a lot of something blindingly similar, so not at the moment.

anyway. the relationship i will freely fuck with is stormpaw. i think not because of anything specific, i think tigerstar just gets in her head and she looks like her mother (something tigerstar brings up) and stormpaw takes after their father and he keeps acting like everything is normal and.

at the end of the day, there's this gulf between them that he keeps stepping into.

so yeah. not to mention greystripe. like. fuck.

"Featherpaw!" Greystripe waves his tail at his daughter, and she flinches.

oh hey i hit the grammar cut off again. let me. i learned how to do this okay i'm going to insert some kind of dummy image or something to reset the counter.

there it's a link to my tumblr but i've got grammar checking again xd

moving on.

featherpaw doesn't want to talk to greystripe. it's not Strictly that she thinks what tigerstar said was true (although she's not sure it isn't), but that. just looking at him sets off a loop in her head.

uh. does anyone explain this to greystripe? no. because the cats who could are:

leopardstar (doesn't want to talk about it)

mudfur (doesn't want to talk about it)

mistyfoot (but only by inference, and doesn't consider explaining things to greystripe a priority)

featherpaw (doesn't want to talk about it and doesn't want to talk to greystripe)

so yeah. no. he's in the Dark.

one of the first priorities is building leopardstar a new den. and decorating it. that's part of building a den i just wanted to clarify and.

featherpaw takes it seriously. because. you know. beauty begets beauty.

she doesn't want...stormpaw is ready to jump straight into sharing a den with old apprentice friend dawnpaw. maybe they never stopped.

but featherpaw? doesn't feel safe there. (doesn't feel safe anywhere.)

especially as she's getting older and tigerstar certainly implied and-

she's not sleeping very well.

mistyfoot and stonefur are trying to help her but they're not therapists! they don't know what to do! featherpaw clearly is dealing with shit but how do they help her??? they have no idea!!! how would they?

in a very strange inverse of canon, leopardstar and featherpaw develop a close relationship. leopardstar feels like she failed to protect featherpaw. featherpaw just. doesn't know. she doesn't know what she feels or thinks or knows and like: leopardstar doesn't. she doesn't need to explain herself to leopardstar.

she's in a big sister role to the kits, i think.

uh. yeah. featherpaw. she is not taking any of this well.

sooner or later greystripe corners her (because he doesn't know) and she's having a panic attack and leopardstar is like "you are never allowed to talk to her ever again" and greystripe is like "what the fuck did i do" and someone (mistyfoot?) finally explains.

uh. what else.

stonefur + leopardstar + featherpaw cuddle pile? leopardstar is in the centre. she feels kind of weird about that because she can tell featherpaw is like. going through this whole. uh. whats the. fuck.

like. featherpaw feels like she needs to protect her and leopardstar doesn't really want to encourage that but on the otherhand it's kind of nice that featherpaw is right here because tigerstar 100% used to threaten her to leopardstar and-

yeah.

uh.

i started writing two hours ago so i'm just going to post.

#ask #anon #mine #i approve of this au so much #clearly #had a lot of thoughts #debate au

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