#like putting my thoughts and feelings into perspective and accepting that they're there

[spokelseskladden]

My psychologist is validating me so hard rn, can't believe i was ever worried about talking to her tbh. Like I'll say something and she'll nod and say yeah my guy. That's pretty trans of you. Well she says it more professionally than that but still.

#she made a note of me having early signs of gender dysphoria in childhood #and basically said that the doubts I've experienced seems to be a sign in and of itself so ya #I've had a really bad time lately with the good old dysphoria so it's just good to get it all out #cause I'm constantly bothered by it but she's actually really helpful in coming up with things i can do right now #like putting my thoughts and feelings into perspective and accepting that they're there #stuff like that y'know

[mangowillow]

last to know | ch. 2: as always, even now

pairing: jungkook x (f) reader / kim woosung x (f) reader

summary: you and jeongguk got together at 16 years old, married at 20, and divorced at 21. what was once love ever after turned into nothing but pain and unfulfilled dreams. you keep going despite the pain in your heart that never really went away, until one day, jungkook comes back— to seoul and in your life.

general story tags: divorce au, childhood friends, angst, hurt & eventual comfort, kind of a slow burn, OC is an adopted child in this fic, a lot of flashbacks later on because context is important; and the others that a lot of people seem to dislike: a love triangle and a LOT of miscommunication. look away if this isn't your thing. tags and warnings will be updated as we go along with each chapter!

warnings: mentions of weight loss and a hospital, jeongguk has a panic attack (semi-detailed), problematic parent-child dynamics. let me know if i miss anything and please be kind!

word count: 5.3k

author's note: *peeks into the void* why hello there! let's pretend i didn't disappear off the face of the earth. earlier this year i went to see The Rose live for their dawn to dusk tour and it was so much fun! there's just a lot of things that have happened and continue to do so; please accept my sincerest apologies for being inconsistent! BUT. know that i haven't forgotten about this story. heh.

also a few more things: ♡ to put things into perspective: jeongguk, OC/reader, and woosung are all the same age; that also means they're as old as seokjin and yoongi in this fic. all the other members maintain their age. honorifics may or may not appear at times. if that bothers you, well, can't please everybody! ♡ this fic isn't beta'd nor proofread by anyone. we go rogue, always.

tags for interested readers will be open for as long as this fic is ongoing! let me know in the comments or message me, whatever fits your preference!

fic masterlist

Woosung plants a big, sloppy kiss on your cheek and giggles.

Looking at him, you ask, “What was that for?”

“Do I need a reason?” Woosung teases as he chews on his jjajangmyeon. You chuckle at his candidness and reach out to wipe the sauce that landed on the corner of his lip. The both of you resorted to sitting on the floor, surrounded by boxes, using one of them as a makeshift table to place the food.

“I’m really happy you got to come today,” you muse, enjoying Woosung’s calming presence as he delicately places a piece of chicken karaage on your noodle bowl before setting his own down. You haven’t seen him for a few days because he needed to get some new music done in preparation for his application to a recording agency as a performer and a producer. You were more than happy to support him in any way you could, including giving him his space to figure things out. It was also who Woosung was— a quiet soul who liked working in solitude. 

You and Woosung are so much alike.

“Why? Did you think I’d forget?” Woosung teases, a smirk playing on his lips. 

“No, I just thought… maybe you needed more time to prepare for your application. That’s important.”

Woosung gently shakes his head, ready to disagree— “Nothing will ever be as important to me as you.”

A slight pink dusted your cheeks. You didn’t expect him to be this cheesy so early in the morning so you smile and cast your eyes back down to your meal. 

“... I do have news for you, babe.” Woosung starts. He turns his body to face you. Giving your hundred percent attention, you cut the noodles with your teeth and place the bowl down. Wiping your mouth with a napkin, you hum at his statement, “What is it?”

Woosung smiles and looks at you lovingly. You feel a bit self-conscious every time he stares at you so intensely and like clockwork, you feel your cheeks heat up. 

“I got the job, sweetheart.”

Hearing the news leave his lips leaves you surprised— your hands fly to your mouth and your eyes start to water. “R-really?” Woosung nods and chuckles through his own teary eyes, you throw yourself at him to give him a tight hug. “Woosung, oh my god— this is— “ you hold him by the shoulders, explore every inch of his face, elation in both of your hearts— “this is great, oh gosh I am so happy for you,” you hug him again. 

You feel Woosung’s body relax instantly in your hold; it has been a journey, walking with Woosung through his own painful moments struggling with his art and passion. Two years ago, he came to Seoul desperately needing a break from life and music after many unsuccessful attempts to make it into the music industry back home in the United States. Although he and his bandmates have put out several songs in the past, they never really gained as much traction with an audience as they had hoped. Going back home to his roots in South Korea also meant leaving his bandmates behind— they have been nothing but supportive of him and his time as they also needed to re-assess their own lives and figure out what they truly wanted. 

Two years ago, Woosung also met you. Both your lives changed ever since.

“Thank you for all your support, ____… you know I wouldn’t have been able to get through all this if it weren’t for you.” Woosung whispers, tightening his hold on your waist. You feel this, you feel everything when it comes to him— so you wrap your arms tighter around him, too. “This is all you, babe. This is all your hard work.”

You both stay that way for a while. Unspoken words are left hanging, as well. You both know well what might become of all this as you always try to communicate. You believe it is what has sustained your relationship for so long. 

Both of you know that Woosung will always belong to music— it’s his dream and the reason why he took so many risks along the way. It was only a matter of when. The possibilities have always been there— should there be a moment where Woosung would return to his career, to his band, to becoming a global star. The fears that come along with those possibilities were also ever-present: what you and Woosung’s future would look like. 

All of these thoughts come rushing to the both of you, but neither of you said anything.

For now, the both of you are happy. And that is enough.

When you parted from each other, you pushed away some of the hair that fell over Woosung’s eyes. “When do you start?”

Woosung takes a deep breath, “As soon as the higher-ups get settled in. I’ve been told they’ve recently landed in Seoul so it shouldn’t be too long now. I’ll be meeting with the owners and one of them is the lead producer. I heard he was a genius, but also a bit scary. They’ve also given me a signing bonus and a potential collaboration with him… that was new… he said they liked my work so much…”

“Wow, that… that sounds so exciting, baby. How are you feeling about all of this?”

“I’m nervous, for the most part,” Woosung murmurs, readjusting the collar of his shirt. It’s been a while since I talked to someone else about music professionally and… this company— I’ve heard so many wonderful things about it. For one, it was built by musicians, too. So I’m hoping they’re not just doing all of it for the business.” 

You smile warmly at Woosung and hold his hands. “You’re going to do great, you know that, right?”

Woosung draws in a breath and nods before meeting your eyes. 

That night, Woosung couldn’t sleep. He watches over you as you dream and when a strand of your hair falls on your face after moving a bit, he tucks it behind your ear. His fingers lightly dance while grazing the side of your face. Woosung sighs as a feeling of anxiety starts to creep into his heart. He loves change, but he cannot help but feel somewhat scared about it anyway. He gets so lost in his thoughts about you that he doesn’t notice you wake up.

“Baby, hey… you’re still awake.”

Your voice brings Woosung back to the present. Seeing your sleepy eyes under the sliver of moonlight that passes through your window makes his heart do a mini somersault— it always does.

“Hmm… I couldn’t sleep,” Woosung says. You scoot closer to him, his arm going under your shoulders to support your body in an embrace. 

“Tell me what’s on your mind,” you whisper, eyes closed, inhaling his scent— him. 

“Just… things. I’m not sure how to articulate them yet…”

You hum, “Then I’ll just stay like this with you to keep you warm… warmth helps you sleep, right?”

Woosung nods, bringing your body closer to his. “Hm… especially your warmth.” Seconds later, he feels you breathe deeper, letting him know that you’re about to let yourself succumb to sleep once more. “I love you.”

When no response came from you, Woosung closed his eyes. Then suddenly, in the stillness of the night, he feels your hand squeeze his ever so lightly.

“I love you, too.”

“Hyung, I think that’s the salt—” Jimin starts.

Seokjin snorts, stopping with the shaker in his hand mid-air, “What do you mean, Jimin-ah, I think I know the difference between salt and sugar.” He was about to potentially put salt on the croffle in front of him, leaving Jimin feeling both very nervous and distressed.

“Last time, I remember you put the sugar in a different container because a customer accidentally broke the original shaker. The color of the cap was blue, not red. This—” he pointed at the shaker Seokjin was holding, “— is obviously not blue.”

“Yah, that happened last week, but I already switched them out two days ago—” Seokjin tries to argue.

They didn’t notice Woosung enter the cafe until he spoke, “Why don’t you just taste it?”

“Oh hey, Woosung-hyung,” Jimin greets.

“Hey, Jimin. Good to see you,” Woosung replies as Jimin nods, his eyes turning into crescents as soon as he smiles.

Seokjin scoffs once more before greeting Woosung, but he relents and tastes whatever is inside the shaker. When he makes a funny face, Jimin and Woosung chuckle.

“Told ya, hyung. Tell us I saved your life.”

“I can’t believe this is salt, I knew I already switched it out—”

With possible disaster averted, Jimin doesn’t listen to Seokjin’s monologue anymore, “You’re here early today, hyung. Would you like to order the usual?”

“Actually, I am here to buy a mango parfait… ____’s fridge is crazy cold and the frozen mangoes are, well, too frozen. I might actually break the blender. I also forgot to make her usual overnight oats. We had to move a lot of things very quickly yesterday so she could have a bed to sleep on.”

“I got you, hyung. We just finished making a fresh batch of parfaits. Do you want one, too?” Jimin asks.

“Are there other flavors?”

“Blueberry and strawberry,” Seokjin adds.

“I’ll take one blueberry, then. Thanks.” Woosung gets ready to pay, but Seokjin waves him away. “It’s on the house.”

“You always give us free stuff, Seokjin—” Woosung tries to argue, but Seokjin shakes his head immediately.

“Taking care of my sister is more than enough, Woosung-ah.”

Woosung gives Seokjin a tight smile and nods. Seokjin then asks, albeit softer, “How is she doing lately?”

“She’s doing better,” Woosung reassures. “She has been painting more recently; not just because of her job at the university, but also at home. We’re going to set up her studio today so it should be fun.”

“That’s good to hear, right hyung?” Jimin turns to Seokjin, who nods. Jimin hands Woosung a paper bag with the parfaits. “I put some new desserts we’re experimenting with. Please give them a try.”

Woosung peeks at the paper bag and sees croissants and greenish muffins, presumably matcha-flavored. “Oh wow, thank you Jimin… I won’t take up too much of your time, guys. ____ is still sleeping and I need to clean up the mango disaster I left on her kitchen counter before she wakes up.”

Seokjin chuckles, “You really came all the way here for parfaits when you could have bought these anywhere near ____’s apartment.”

“Ah, but nothing beats your parfaits, Seokjin. A wise man once told me that,” Woosung smiles. He and Seokjin instantly formed a bond the moment they met two years ago, much to your relief. You’ve always been nervous to tell your brother anything remotely new about your love life— and you understand where he is coming from.

“Well whoever that wise man is must be pretty smart,” Seokjin replies. His eyes soften right afterward. “Go. Let’s have a drink sometime, yeah?”

“Sure thing,” Woosung waves goodbye to Seokjin and Jimin.

Jeongguk walks the hallway of the recording studio, still groggy from sleep. Hands in his pockets, he stood outside Yoongi’s door, staring at his peculiar mat: a cat with its middle finger raised, the words ‘fuck off’ glaring at him. Figures, he thought. A doormat won’t stop him from ringing Yoongi’s doorbell, though.

“Who is it?” he hears Yoongi call out.

“It’s your favorite person in the whole wide world,” Jeongguk says, sarcasm lacing his voice. He pinched the bridge of his nose; a habit he developed in college whenever he felt the exhaustion seep out of him. He hears scuffling from the other side of the door until the sound of the door’s automatic lock rings. Jeongguk sees Yoongi clad in a plaid shirt, ripped jeans, and a gray beanie— his signature style. 

“Dumbass,” Yoongi mutters under his breath before turning his back to return to his equipment. “Good morning to you too,” Jeongguk teases as he closes the door behind him. 

“How are you already set up? It’s barely a day since we arrived!”

Yoongi chooses not to respond. 

“You’re kidding me, right?” Jeongguk asks in disbelief. “Please tell me you at least went home to get your shit sorted? Or maybe sleep like normal human beings do?”

“I did… for a brief moment, maybe?” Yoongi starts.

Jeongguk shakes his head, “You have to stop spreading yourself thin, Yoongi. It’ll be the death of you.”

Yoongi fiddles with a few knobs on the synthesizer before muttering, “That doesn’t seem so bad— spreading myself too thin, that is.”

Jeongguk throws his hands up in surrender and rolls his eyes.

“Have I succeeded in frustrating you to hell and back, yet?” Yoongi smirks while continuing to flit his eyes through the numerous screens in front of him.

Jeongguk was about to say something but then the door alarm clicked. Kim Namjoon’s head peeks out from behind the door.

“I came to say my welcome remarks,” Namjoon says as he lets himself in. Jeongguk’s mouth falls open because he couldn’t believe Namjoon could just easily waltz in without any resistance. What’s even more astounding was that he knew Yoongi’s passcode— while he, on the other hand, had to ring the fucking doorbell.

“Oh, great. So your boyfriend knows your passcode and I don’t?” Jeongguk asks.

“He isn’t my boyfriend,” Yoongi states, matter-of-factly. Jeongguk couldn’t help but glance at Namjoon’s way, who seemed unfazed.

“Right, and I’m Neil Armstrong,” Jeongguk plops down on the couch.

“You’re the CEO, Jeongguk, of course, you should know the passcode… right, Yoongi?” says Namjoon, ever the oblivious one. 

Yoongi continues to do work on his computer, his fingers deftly flying across his keyboard, “Don’t encourage him, Namjoon.”

Namjoon looks back at Jeongguk who has now taken an interest in the plant beside the couch. When they met each other’s eyes, Namjoon just shrugged, his dimples showing. 

“How was your flight, you guys? I hope everything was easy peasy.”

“Easy peasy lemon squeezy,” Jeongguk responds. “Not sure about Yoongi here though. He looked like he was about to puke.”

“Shut up,” Yoongi retaliates.

“I can’t imagine the both of you tolerating each other while in another country. It’s a miracle this production company is still standing upright,” Namjoon says chuckling. 

Namjoon met Jeongguk first in university while they studied in New York. Although Jeongguk was a business student and Namjoon double majored in music theory and composition, they ran into each other at a frat party-— with Jeongguk being drunk off his ass. He was about to fall into the pool full of piss (which the other frat members thought was funny) when Namjoon saved him in the nick of time. 

Apart from Yoongi, Namjoon also served as Jeongguk’s confidant, especially after things went south between you and Jeongguk. When the dust settled and Jeongguk was sober enough to realize the gravity of his mistakes, Namjoon helped Yoongi pick up the pieces of Jeongguk’s brokenness. As with time passing by, Namjoon and Yoongi started to develop into something more, too. Much to Jeongguk’s delight and envy.

However, neither Yoongi nor Namjoon has admitted their feelings to the other. And truth be told, Jeongguk is sick of them dancing around each other.

But he also knows it’s none of his business.

“Hey, Jeongguk, is that family dinner of yours still happening tonight?” Yoongi decides to ask. Also probably to change the subject.

Jeongguk lets out a deep sigh. “Yes, it is.”

“Ouch. Will you be alright?” Namjoon asks out of genuine concern.

“I don’t really have a choice.”

“You always have a choice, Jeongguk-ah,” Yoongi inserts. “You just need to work on making the right ones.”

Jeongguk slacks his jaw and runs his tongue across his lip ring. He doesn’t really have an answer to that.

Because once again, Yoongi was right. Not just about the damn family dinner; Jeongguk also knows his best friend’s words run deeper and imply a whole lot more than just feeling forced to sit down with his parents over steak and champagne.

“See you on the other side, then,” Namjoon says as he pats Jeongguk on the shoulder before leaving the room.

Jeongguk mulled over bringing flowers to the family dinner but decided against it.

He knows that the house would be filled with them, anyway. And his efforts won’t matter, either.

As he got out of his car, a chauffeur was already by his side ready to take his keys for him. When the car drove off, Jeongguk took a moment to look at the house he hadn’t lived in for years. It feels odd to come home; it feels even odder to feel numb about all of it.

It took Jeongguk a few seconds to ring the doorbell; for god’s sake, it was his house too, he thought. Ringing the doorbell meant he was a stranger— which he felt was appropriate.

He was greeted by a new housekeeper. He gave her a nod before stepping inside. Almost instantly, his mother appeared at the top of the staircase. They look at one another for a moment, before his mother breaks the silence.

“You finally decide to show yourself.”

Jeongguk doesn’t move. Doesn’t respond, either. He was prepared for a stare-off match with his mother, but that was until his father showed up from the kitchen. With a dish towel in hand, Jeongguk’s father smiled at him as he placed a hand on his son’s shoulder.

“It’s so good to see you, son.”

Jeongguk, once more, doesn’t have it in him to respond.

At the dinner table, the silence was so loud, that Jeongguk thought it could break glass.

“Did you settle in fine, Jeongguk?” his father asks.

“Yes, father, I did.”

“You should have chosen a place that was nearer to us, Jeongguk,” his mother chides.

“Honey…” Jeongguk’s father tries to put out a fire that is about to ignite. Jeongguk, on the other hand, was so tired from the flight and emotionally, that he felt a need to retaliate.

Because why not? Whether he speaks up or not wasn’t really up to him. Between him and his mother, he has nothing to lose.

“I don’t know, mother, I chose that place because I wanted to get away from here as much as possible.” Jeongguk remarks. He knows he hit a nerve because his mother downed her champagne rather than respond.

“How is the company going, son? Everything doing alright?” his father asks, trying to mitigate a conflict that neither of them could recover from.

“I guess. Yoongi and I haven’t managed to burn anything so that’s nice,” Jeongguk eats a spoonful of mashed potato. He knows he really needs to shut up and regulate his emotions, but he just can’t help but be sarcastic.

Once more, the silence won. However, Jeongguk’s mother is the type to not back down.

“You should think about getting married soon, Jeongguk—” she starts. Jeongguk feels himself grow cold as if on instinct. 

“—and this time, we want you to marry someone your level,” she finishes. Jeongguk felt his heart twisting so painfully that he didn’t notice how tight he held on to his cutlery.

Jeongguk swallows the once-repressed pain that used to consume him whole. He knows this is futile because he never dares to face his regrets square in the face. Instead, he allows the pain to make him angry. He allows his resentment to consume him in ways he doesn’t know how to handle and in a pained effort to avoid causing further damage, he remains quiet. Unresponsive. Cold. Withdrawn.

But his own mother is even more cold-hearted than he is. She is the one who made him like this.

It’s her fault.

“You need to marry a good woman who can keep up with your social status. Remember you’re not just anyone, Jeongguk. You’re a Jeon. And you have a legacy to uphold,” his mother condescends. 

Tears start to sting Jeongguk’s eyes, but he doesn’t want to let his mother win. So he keeps still.

“I have a few prospects for you, dear. We should set dates for them, don’t you think so? I chose the most refined and educated—” Jeongguk hates how his mother knows how to push his buttons and hurt him.

He knows that his mother knows his ultimate weakness.

You.

And because his mother cannot contain her insecurities and prejudice, she projects it all on her son. But most especially, you— whether you were in the room or not.

Jeongguk’s mother continues her monologue. His father miserably fails to become the referee (he always does). Heat starts to rise Jeongguk’s neck and he swears he could hear his own blood pumping through his ears. What almost immediately follows is the high-pitched ringing that only he can hear. 

Jeongguk starts to feel dizzy; like he’s about to lose control.

But instead of releasing, instead of crying, instead of getting angry— he does none of them. 

He finds himself standing up, his hands dragging the plate full of food to the ground. With all his might, Jeongguk tries to breathe deeply.

“That’s enough, mom.” Jeongguk croaks. A tear escapes his eye. “Please.”

Jeongguk rarely addresses her as “mom”. But in times of vulnerability and helplessness, it’s the term he ends up using.

“As I expected… you are still weak, Jeongguk.” his mother states with absolutely no remorse.

Jeongguk feels like he is about to throw up. To save himself, he drags his legs to leave the dining area. Housekeepers try to help him, but he brushes them aside. Security guards around the house up until the gate tried to support him, but Jeongguk just waved them all off.

He just needed to get away before his vision completely blurred. He needed to get out of this godforsaken house.

It was a miracle that Jeongguk got far away from the house as he had. But in doing so, he felt physically weaker and weaker. His mind isn’t done with him yet as thoughts of you start to resurface. His chest starts to tighten again. He feels cold and afraid and tired.

Jeongguk falls to his knees on the side of the road; he allows his body to go limp and fall to the ground. 

He barely remembers what happened next.

When Jeongguk opens his eyes, bright, stale lights greet him. 

He hears beeping, faint footsteps, a voice over an intercom.

He feels something brushing his leg so gently that it takes him a while before realizing that someone is standing over him, wiping the edge of his slacks.

Jeongguk squints his eyes to get a better look at the person touching his leg. When he tries to elevate his upper body, the person in front of him feels him moving.

Jeongguk couldn’t believe who he was seeing. His panic attack must still be happening because it was impossible.

It was you.

“Oh… hi,” you start. Jeongguk is at a loss for words so he continues to stare at you.

You immediately feel self-conscious so you start to wrangle the damp cloth you were holding. 

“Are you okay? Hang on, I’ll call the nurse—”

You start to leave, but Jeongguk catches your wrist. He doesn’t know what he’s doing. You look at his hand on your wrist before Jeongguk lets go of it.

“W-what happened?”

“You’re at the hospital… um, I– I got a call from them saying you were here,” you say.

Jeongguk’s eyebrows met. He is still confused as to how or why the hospital would call you. As he looks at you, in the flesh, in front of him, the familiar ache in his chest threatens to overwhelm him again.

You look as beautiful as ever, even more so than the last time he saw you. The last time he did, you were crying to him. He did that to you. That was his fault.

“Are you hurt, anywhere, Jeongguk? I think I need to call your doctor, just give me a second—”

“No… please. I’m okay. I don’t feel any pain.” Except for my broken heart.

“Oh… okay.”

Jeongguk observes you, more particularly your hands. You still have that habit of fiddling with your fingers when you didn’t know what to do, he thinks. 

“H-how did the hospital call you? You didn’t change your number?” Jeongguk is a hundred percent sure his choice of questions was dumb, but he doesn’t have any idea as to why you’re here.

“The hospital told me I was your emergency contact… they uh– they only found your wallet on you and found this,” you explain as you handed him his wallet. Inside was an old piece of paper with your emergency contact number and e-mail address.

“The e-mail address is now defunct, but my number is still the same because I had it reactivated when I came back here…”

When I came back here, Jeongguk repeated to himself. 

Jeongguk wanted to ask you a million questions, but his throat feels dry and he is unable to speak. 

“I um, I also called Yoongi. He should be here any minute,” you continue. When Jeongguk looks at you funny, you give him a small smile— the first one you’ve given him since he woke up. “We talk sometimes.”

There is a lot of information that Jeongguk needs to process but his head hurts a lot and he makes a mental note to interrogate his friend later.

You move to grab and open the plastic bag that is on the bedside table. You pull out a pair of black socks. Jeongguk sees you hesitate a bit before speaking again.

“I got these across the street… your socks got wet from the rain.”

“Oh.” Jeongguk feels really dumb.

“May I?” you tentatively ask. “Your feet will get cold if we don’t—and you have the IV on so you won’t be able to use your hands—”

“It’s okay…” Jeongguk’s response startles you. “Thank you.”

You nod and sit by his feet to put on the new socks. Jeongguk feels the tears again but he tries to hold them back as he feels your touch and your warm fingers graze his bare, cold skin. When you’re done putting them on him, you smile to yourself.

“Does that feel better?” you ask.

Jeongguk nods and hums. He took his time to look at you and to his mild surprise, you reciprocated. A sense of stillness seemed to occur like time stopped just so Jeongguk could fully take in the sight of you.

He hurriedly tries his best to memorize all your features—old and new. Your face is smaller, your cheekbones higher; both indicative of you losing a bit of weight since he saw you last. Your eyes are softer, but also more tired. You also grew out your hair. 

To Jeongguk, you are still so beautiful.

And he missed you so much that his heart hurt again at the thought of losing you.

“How are y—” Jeongguk tries to ask, but the door to his hospital room slid open, revealing a disheveled Yoongi.

“Jeongguk, are you okay? What happened?”

Jeongguk notices you quickly moving aside to give Yoongi room. 

“I’m fine, Yoongi. I guess I just passed out and—”

“You had another panic attack, Jeongguk. That’s the second time this week. Have you taken your medication?”

Yoongi’s string of questions had Jeongguk feeling anxious. He just had the unexpected chance of seeing you again but under the most dire circumstances. Surely, it wasn’t the time for you to hear about his mental health issues.

“Yoongi, can we—” Jeongguk tried to save face, but Yoongi was faster. 

Yoongi turns to you and hugs you. “I’m sorry, ____, you must have been so confused.”

“No, not at all, I’m… I’m glad I could be of help,” you reassure. More so for Jeongguk because you know this must be very awkward for him. 

A bit of awkwardness did happen because none of you spoke for a bit. Your phone ringing was the only saving grace.

“Hello? Oh, okay. I’ll be right out,” you answer the other person on the line. Hanging up, you say, “Um… I should get going.”

“Is someone picking you up?” Yoongi asks.

“Yes, Taehyung’s just a few minutes away,” you answer.

Yoongi nods and pulls you in for another hug. He whispers his thanks and you respond by hugging him tighter.

You also approach Jeongguk a little closer. “Take care of yourself, Jeongguk.” You see the pain in his eyes, but you refuse to acknowledge it to yourself, even if Jeongguk’s eyes were brimming with unshed tears and his nose was already pink.

Jeongguk doesn’t want you to go. But again, he has no choice but to let you.

“You too, ____.”

As soon as you close the door, Jeongguk allows his tears to fall.

As soon as you get into the car, Taehyung asks his questions.

“Why the hell did you just come out of a hospital?”

“Tae—”

“Are you okay? Are you hurt anywhere? You’re the only one there? What happened?” You can feel the panic rising in Taehyung as he inspects you, but you just chuckle.

“Yah—you laugh?”

“I’m fine, Taehyung,” you tell him but he doesn’t look convinced. “I really am.”

“Then why were you in there?”

“I saw Jeongguk again, Tae,” you calmly respond.

Taehyung freezes. “You’re joking, right?”

“I’m not,” you answer.

“And you’re… are you okay?”

“I am.”

Taehyung knows you better than that but he gives you a pass because he could also tell you were tired and your short answers mean that you didn’t want to talk just yet.

“Do you want to talk about it over ice cream and fries?”

For a second, you felt tempted, but you just also wanted to go home. “Maybe some other time, Taehyung.”

Taehyung understands immediately and nods. “Should I take you to Woosung hyung or do I take you home?”

You do want to see Woosung because you know he is what you need, but you also don’t want to burden him with a bombshell of an event so you opt to be alone for the night. “Take me home, please.”

“Okay, ____,” Taehyung answers.

The rest of the car ride was a quiet one.

The short walk in the hallway leading to your home is a heavy one. As you punch in your passcode, you deeply sigh. You want nothing more than to collapse on the bed and ruminate on what just happened over the past few hours.

However, the moment you open the door, a wave of delicious scents welcomes you home. As you take off your shoes, you see a familiar pair. You smile to yourself as you place yours beside it. 

You enter your home further and see Woosung with his back to you, working his way in the kitchen. As if on cue, Woosung turns around and walks toward you. 

“Hey you,” you say with a smile.

“Hi,” Woosung responds, gathering you in his arms and pulling you into a tight embrace. “Did you have a good day, today?”

You feel yourself swallow once before nodding. Woosung, ever the sensitive boyfriend, holds you tighter.

You know you can’t hide from him. So you hold on to him tighter, too.

And you allow yourself to break down and cry.

Woosung feels your body shake and he runs his hand across your back to soothe you. 

He may not know what’s going on right now, but he also knows you will talk to him when you’re ready. So he continues to embrace you; kissing the side of your head after a while.

Woosung whispers against your ear, “You’re safe with me, sweetheart.”

taglist: @whoa-jo @nays2112 @junecat18 @jk97bam @butterymin @smdnai

tags for interested readers will be open for as long as this fic is ongoing! let me know in the comments or message me, whatever fits your preference!

#jungkook x reader #jungkook imagine #jungkook x you #jungkook angst #jungkook scenarios #bts au #bts au fanfic #woosung x reader #jungkook divorce au #divorce au

[creatingblackcharacters]

FAQs!

I go by Ice, she/her pronouns 💕. In case you had any of these questions, here you go:

1. "Why'd you make this page?"

I want to make the creation space- fandom to professional- more inclusive for people that look like me.

It is very disheartening when you really like something, and you see that oh! It's going to include a Black character! And then you get that character and... They're subpar. Especially in comparison to the usually white characters that have so much thought put into them. You accept them because you REALLY want that rep, but... We deserve to wholeheartedly accept our characters too, no ehhs about it.

I wanted to challenge myself, using my amateur art skills and my teaching skills, to convey to creators how that makes us feel, and little things they can do to more intentionally create their Black characters. There's more to us than adding to a diversity quota.

2. "So you aren't even a professional?"

I got 27.5 years of being a Black person on my resume 🤣 jokes aside, I am a self teaching artist. It's only been about a year for me. My more specific goal here is to use my skills to convey a perspective change towards Blackness, not necessarily a "how to do". If you want to learn the specific how-to's of drawing Black characters, there are Black artists all over Tumblr and the web that can show you. I actively encourage you to go check them out and support them, it's a great way to learn as well as to support our community!

3. "But if you're not a professional, why should I trust you?"

Well, again, because I don't have to be a professional to recognize when supposedly Black characters... Don't look like me 😅. Or, in writing, don't have any thought about me behind them. I could show my 87 year old Grandma some art and she'd recognize the issues.

But also, I personally believe that if you start from the foundations thinking about intentionally creating your Black characters, it'll make it much easier for you moving into the future. I am holding my hand out as a Black peer to HELP YOU! There are professional video games and art pieces and projects out there with poorly designed Black characters. The concept clearly needs to be introduced to the people somewhere before a million dollar project is release 🤣 But I can't talk to the people at the AAA studios. I can talk to you!

4. "I don't think race matters/should matter."

Alas, it does, everything we do is affected by our beliefs unconsciously or not- but I'm not going to waste my time and argue with you. This blog isn't for you 🤷🏾‍♀️ this blog is for those who want to take that first step to be better, both as creators and as people. 👍🏾

5. "Do you support AI?"

Not in the arts. Learn how to draw and/or write, it's very fulfilling.

6. "Do you answer asks?"

I do! However, this is a lesson based page, more than an ask based page. If I think your ask can be answered by one of my lessons, I'll refer you to that lesson. If it's an ask that's relevant to something coming up, I will answer it, but you will find more detail in the lesson coming up! I'm only one person doing this, and I can't answer every singular scenario. Also, keep in mind, if you ask me my opinion on something, I will be fair, but honest!

7. Will you be turning on anons?

Okay: right now, we've earned Anon Office Hours Wednesday thru Friday 12:30-6:30pm EST!

Most of this is due to the nature of what I'm discussing. Historically, these topics (and how race is relevant) upset some people, and it can get unsafe. Personally, I have no intention of allowing racists, or those who will take my advice in bad faith, to hide their faces. If you want to hate me, speak with your chest 😤👍🏾

The other part is that it is not a bad thing to ask questions! I did create this blog to be a learning opportunity. So long as you are kind to me and send me asks in good faith, I will be kind to you and reply in good faith. I'm also pretty sure I have the option to answer privately, so if you don't want your question posted publicly, You can say that.

If I get more questions, I'll update this!

#FAQs

[viviennevermillion]

When you wake up from a Nightmare

notes: i just woke from a nightmare and I decided to write this and then the new trailer dropped and god,,,, it was like I was waking up in cold sweat and then seeing Baizhu seeming so calm and caring made me realize that everything is okay. 🥰 ....it is also 5am but I'm living my best life now, deciding to use my creativity to put some love out into this world. ❤️

contains: character x gn!reader, hurt/comfort, established relationship

characters included: alhaitham, baizhu, pantalone

warnings: none

Alhaitham:

When you awoke, jolting up as a shiver ran down your spine, the first thing you noticed were your hands shaking uncontrollably. The second thing you noticed were Alhaithams hands steadily placed onto your shoulders.

With a glance to your right you could see one of the book he was currently reading placed on his nightstand. It seemed as though he woke up early again and decided to spend his time studying and reading as always. Although your skin was still feeling cold and you were quivering, Alhaithams presence immediately made you feel more at ease. He always did. He brought you solidity; like a pillar of logic and realism ready for you to hold onto and ground yourself when you needed it. Just like now, when he pulled you into his chest, gently running his fingers up and down your back as he patiently waited for your breathing to calm, holding you close and covering you with the blanket a little more to try and ease the shaking with his warmth.

Alhaitham always felt to you like a presence distant from everything else around you. A quiet observer, content and happy just studying the way of the world. And when he accepted you into his life, he let you into that little bubble of his; sharing his time with you, letting you sit idly with him as he followed his path uncaring of what anyone else thought of him or did. You knew this was only partially true, but he often seemed unaffected by their actions, like a lone moon orbiting a planet in the peaceful depth of space. And when he explained things to you; when you got to look at the world from his perspective, everything else seemed so small. You, too, could become an observer and in those moments nothing bad could ever reach you.

"It seems the return of dreams to the people of Sumeru did cause some troubles, hm?", he pondered, pressing a kiss to your forehead and then a soft peck to your lips, "don't worry. They're just dreams, they can't hurt you. And anything that can, never will, as long as I'm around." He said this so calmly; factual and confident, that you couldn't help but believe his words. Your lips slowly stopped shivering the more he placed kisses onto them and gently nibbled onto them.

You've been laying there for a while now, Alhaitham talking to you about the content of your nightmare and easing any concerns you might have with rational suggestions and some profound truths at his disposal. When he realized you had calmed down enough from the initial shock, he reached for his book again. "Would you like to know about this book I'm reading?", he asked quietly, letting you get comfortable with your head rested on his chest as he was now sitting up and leaning against the bedframe, skimming through the pages. To someone else, this suggestion might have seemed like he had spectacularly failed to read the room, but to you? You knew he was trying to distract you and make you forget about your troubles.

Despite the fact that he wasn't as much of a fan of the arts, you couldn't help but feel that the way he explained his research to you was beautiful. That Alhaitham had a complex and colorful mind that painted the world for you in a new light. With Alhaithams gentle voice and his fleeting touches, the sun had risen for you long before it actually did in Sumeru. You remembered a distant wisdom, unsure where it had first occured to you: Only they can completely repel the madness. Only dreams can awaken consciousness from the deepest darkness. And it seemed that this time, Alhaitham was the dream you needed.

Pantalone:

Since the dawn of this world, many have been haunted by the horrors of it in their most vulnerable moments, including when they were resting at night. You were no exception to this. Breaking away from the nightmare that held you captive, you were still haunted by its aftermath when you awoke in your dark bedroom, your lover shifting beside you, almost instinctively waking up himself at the hint of your condition.

Pantalone sat up, reaching for the lamp on the nightstand before inspecting your face from a distance at first, illuminated only by the dim light bulb in a starless night. Still lost in your own world, you didn't notice much of what he did consciously until he handed you a glass of water for you to drink. You noticed he had already gotten you a second blanket and wrapped it around your shoulders.

He knelt beside you, steadying your hand with his as he noticed your shaking fingers were struggling to hold the glass on their own. He gently guided it to your lips so you could drink. The cold water snapped you out of your trance, making you more aware of your surroundings. After you had finished drinking however much water you wanted, Pantalone got back into bed next to you. "Nightmare?", he asked, putting his glasses on to get a better look at you, worry evident in his voice. You nodded, attempting to give him a smile. "Would you like me to hold you?", he asked quietly.

After seeing you nod again, Pantalone snuggled close to you from behind, reaching for your hand and squeezing it. "I get them too, you know", he admitted and whispered quietly as he nuzzled your neck, "they're memories and fears; long gone and yet ever present as I worry about my fate slipping out of my fingers again. Having to fight and endure whatever the gods had in store for a helpless peasant at the price of a dime. But I'll keep you safe, whatever may come. That's a promise." His tone was quiet and thoughtful and you remembered the early days of being with him, seeing mostly his cold businessman facade. Now, you were the only person he allowed himself to be vulnerable around like this, the only one who he'd tell the truths to that he had locked away from even his own mind since the days of his childhood.

"And for now", he added, pressing a kiss to your cheek, "I can give you the world if you want to. Maybe a gift will cheer you up." You chuckled, leaning back against him. "You do know you can't impulse-buy your way out of these things right?", you shook your head with a sigh; the panic from earlier long forgotten. "Well, last time we were upset the 4 week vacation in the beach mansion I got us did a pretty good job, wouldn't you say?", he shrugged and you laughed, chucking a pillow at him and leaving his hair messier than it already was. "Evil bourgeoisie", you muttered with a smile on your face and Pantalone pulled you back into his arms, holding you firmly against his chest. "I give you all my time and money and this is how you thank me", he faked a disappointed sigh, making you roll your eyes at how dramatic he could be. Pantalone started kissing your neck, finding all the spots that were ticklish and kissing them repeatedly; letting out a chuckle when you playfully tried to shove his head away.

He eventually surrendered, getting up to grab a leaflet from his desk. "It's an invitation to the premiere of a new opera. It sounds quite promising and we'd be the first people to ever see it in all of Teyvat", he sat down next to you on the bed again, "would you like to go today? Might take your mind off things. I'll get you some clothes for the occasion." "Don't I already have enough fancy clothes for going to galas or the theatre?", you asked, raising an eyebrow but inspecting the leaflet with intrigue. "Shh, let me do this for you", Pantalone wasn't budging. You rested your head against your hand and shook it with a content smile on your face. "There is no helping you, is there?", you sighed and Pantalone chuckled, removing your hand to give him access to your lips, kissing you softly and repeatedly. "Of course there isn't. Not since I've fallen hopelessly in love with you, my dearest", he let you hold him, closing his eyes as he buried his face in your neck. "I love you too", you pressed a kiss to his forehead as he slowly drifted back into sleep.

Baizhu:

You woke up from the nightmare in cold sweat, feeling your hands and legs shake as you tried to recognize your surroundings through the tears in your eyes. When you turned your head, you saw Baizhu sitting at his desk and signing several documents. Noticing you were awake and in distress, he immediately scooted over to you, sitting down at your bedside and taking your hands into his gently, as if he was afraid they'd break. Which was ironic, given that he was always in much worse condition than you. "Would you like to tell me what's wrong?", his voice was soft and kind, like everytime he treated a patient, especially the more vulnerable ones.

You told him about your dream and shifted your hands to hold his instead, gently massaging his knuckles with your thumb. The motion grounded you, although you were still shaking. "You'll be fine again in no time", he reassured you, pressing a kiss to your forehead, "wait here, I'll get you some things that'll help you. I'll leave Changsheng here so you don't have to be alone." He placed the white snake next to you and calmly exited the room.

Changsheng looked after him and then turned her head towards you. "He's worrying so much about you, you know? He does that all the time. I bet right about now he's skimming through the cabinets like a madman." You heard glass shattering in the room next door. "See? I told you."

You were about to attempt and get up when Baizhu entered the small room again, carrying a cup of tea that was shaking in his hands and a hot water bottle he placed into your arms. He waited patiently as you drank the tea, then removing some of the more bothersome clothes he was wearing to comfortably lie down next to you. He let you hold him in your arms and play with his hair as you talked about the nightmare you had. Baizhu would then tell you what he thought the meaning of the dream was and he always managed to twist it into something positive and hopeful.

"You know, this tea is bitter as fuck", you sighed, running your fingers up and down his back, "I think half of Liyue Harbor's population is already questioning what happened to your taste buds." He chuckled and pressed a kiss to your collarbone. "I'm sorry, my love. I can make you a new one-" You shook your head. "I've kind of gotten used to it by now. Besides, I know you made it with love", you'd press a kiss to his forehead and could feel him smiling against your skin. He put a finger under your chin and leaned closer to kiss your lips, slowly and lovingly. His hand caressed your cheek as if you were made out of porcelain and the most precious thing he had ever laid eyes on. "It's not even that bitter", he commented after his lips had left yours. "That's just your personal impression", you smiled, "I love you." He let out a satisfied hum and nuzzled your cheek. "I love you too. Are you feeling better now, dear?", his voice was still laced with a little concern but he smiled back at you contently as you nodded. "Well, I'm certainly glad to hear that", he squeezed your hand.

He'd let you decide whether you wanted to go back to sleep or sit on his lap for a while as he was signing documents. Either way, he wouldn't leave your side again for the night. If you chose to go to sleep, he'd remain right in your arms, both of you sharing a well-deserved rest.

#genshin impact #alhaitham x reader #pantalone x reader #baizhu x reader #alhaitham #pantalone #baizhu #genshin impact fluff #genshin x reader #genshin impact x reader #headcanons

[lemon-natalia]

Gideon the Ninth Reaction - Chapter 20

i just wanna apologise in advance for how long these posts are getting lol, i have a lot of Thoughts about this book

oh wait nope they are going back to the creepy lab where two people just got murdered. great plan guys

Dulcinea wanting to team up surprised me a little, but it really shouldn't have. she's been paying a lot of attention to the Ninth, and especially Gideon.

'thousands of years after you're gone ... is when you really live' this is such a different, almost warmer, perspective on death and necromancy, and i can see why it appeals to Dulcinea specifically, who's clearly had to come to terms with her mortality pretty early on in life. but its also part of the more disturbing theme that the past never really goes away, and can't help but view this line along the same lines of discovering the ancient study last chapter, and the ancient laboratory, and Canaan House in general, which are only just now having their secrets revealed, and the terrible consequences of those secrets becoming apparent, after thousands of years

'she grasped a railing, leaned over, and proffered her hand' well this is getting very courtly romance

ah yes lets go through the door decorated with a swirl of human teeth, i'm sure there's happy fun times to be had in there. harrow, resident goth interior designer who specialises in bone decor, is probably taking notes as we speak

even after hurting her hand twice, Harrow really just can't resist experimenting even further huh. she's so very reluctant to accept that her existing powers aren't enough by themselves for this

ooohhhh, having to literally suck the life force out of your cavalier to win?? thats so sick and twisted and i love it. these challenges are, again, clearly relying on this intense relationship between the pair, both in trusting them absolutely and in this literal soul-siphoning/melding link thing.

however, it feels like Gideon's really getting the brunt of it in these challenges. Harrow's absolutely putting in an awful lot of effort and power, but it's the cavalier who has to fight the bone amalgamation, the cavalier who has to have their life literally siphoned out. they're about trust and a bond between them, but also seemingly about a willingness to sacrifice your cavalier to achieve that goal, and i have a really bad feeling about where exactly this is going in terms of how exactly one achieves lyctorhood

'under no circumstances will i ever desire your juice' Harrow you may wish to revisit this sentiment when you guys (to my limited knowledge) eventually become girlfriends

'none of this is worth it, at all [...] i'm sorry. We take so much' i'm like 90% sure the voice talking to Gideon throughout all this was Dulcinea, largely because it doesn't really make sense for it to be anyone else, but there were certain lines, specifically these ones, that made me suspicious at first it might be some(one? thing?) else. but it also feels fitting that its Dulcinea coaching her through this.

wow, just wow, i'm really impressed with the writing in this chapter, and how the pain Gideon is feeling is expressed. its such an abstract experience/feeling to describe, but i think its done incredibly well

'Ha-ha, said Gideon, first time you didn't call me Griddle, and died' ok i know she didn't but THANKS for giving me an absolute heart attack with that sentence Tamsyn Muir

Harrow i get understand u are protective of Gideon but let Dulcinea comfort her plz

'you can't just ask someone why they want to be a Lyctor'. ahh the duality of Gideon the Ninth. this just evocative prose about how it feels to be on the brink of death, and then immediately afterwards hits you in the face with a mean girls reference. beautiful, iconic, effervescent.

#lemon natalia reads the locked tomb #tlt #the locked tomb #gideon the ninth #the locked tomb liveblog

[gachagon]

I love it when characters who were previously incredibly pompous and egotistical realize that the pedestal they've placed themselves on is actually worthless given the current situation they're now in.

Kaiser is realizing now that his idea of what it takes to be on top, to be the best striker is wrong and that it's probably been wrong for a while. And that's really got to suck, because while Kaiser has accomplished a lot of great things, ultimately his goal pales in comparison to the people he now has to go up against. Isagi and the other Blue Locker's aren't just there to rise up the ranks slowly, this is a last man standing program and Kaiser isn't strong enough to stand on his own.

He had become a great player, but he's not the best player. And he needs to be better in order to even have that position of acclaim in the first place. I am reminded of what Isagi taunted him with earlier, calling him a "Naked Emperor/King" which is an obvious reference to the "Emperor's New Clothes".

In that short story, a king orders himself new clothing that outshines everyone else and so the court creates "Invisible Clothing that only he can see" for the King. The king accepts the clothes and "wears" them, and so to him he is wearing the finest cloak imaginable, but to everyone else he is just a naked man making a fool of himself.

In a way, Kaiser ended up being the naked emperor in that he only came to the realization that his past achievements weren't good enough to stay in the team until this very game with Isagi.

I really think that fear of losing everything he worked for was always holding him back from really going above and beyond as well, because while he does have the support of a partner to do passes for him and he's able to read the field accurately, he doesn't take chances that tougher opponents hand him.

His backstory as a thief really puts this into perspective too because thieves wait for the right moment to strike instead of going out into the open to steal. And just like a thief, everything they get is "unearned" because they just take it from other people. In a way, you could almost say Kaiser's position as the best and the king was unearned because he hadn't actually done what needed to be done in order to get to that level.

And that's why I think this makes him so upset when Ness rattles off all of the thing's he's done, because ultimately none of those things will really amount to anything if he can't keep control of this team and be the best among them. It won't matter if he's scored a goal in every match, or if he's gotten offers from top teams, his goal is to be better than everyone and right now some dude from a no name prefecture in Japan is wiping the floor with him, and easily.

You really gotta feel sorry for Ness too, because he thinks of himself as one of Kaiser's "accomplishments" in a way, but Kaiser literally doesn't care about him enough. He just see's Ness as a tool to use, someone who's easily replaceable and loyal like a dog.

My moot (@miyamiwu) made a really good observation about how Ness might just leave Kaiser soon if he doesn't keep playing in that magical way that captured Ness in the first place, and I think that's true now especially since Kaiser himself seems to also realize it. When he's thinking about all of the achievements he could potentially lose if he doesn't win this, Ness is one of them.

"I thought I was becoming human." Is so sad too because I think deep down he really did think that by being close to Ness that he was truly becoming a normal player, that he was on the fast track to achieving his goals. But because he doesn't really know what that goal is anymore, the rug has been pulled from under him now and he has to literally reevaluate what is probably years worth of self reflection.

I also think this chapter is Kaiser ditching the rose as a symbol of his ego because he's truly looking back on things and realizing that the object that really gave him solace wasn't that symbol of the impossible, but the soccer ball itself. He is coming to terms with the fact that without soccer, he doesn't have anything at all, and that it is the only reason he was even able to get this far or have the courage to fight back against his abusive shitty dad.

Instead of the rose tattoo being here, we see there's a new tattoo that's prominent now and it's in the shape of a crown. And rather than being in a place where he's most vulnerable (his neck), the tattoo is on his hand, which I think symbolizes how he is able to take his own freedom and by extension his own place as a king with his own two hands.

Kaiser's solitude is something he really needs to become the best, because if he can't do it alone, than he can't do it at all. He is clinging desperately to the things he has managed to gather throughout these years, including Ness' loyalty and he's so afraid of losing even one of those things that it's making him a worse player.

However, whether or not being totally alone is what he needs to heal as a person is another thing entirely, which is ultimately why I don't think Kaiser will ever beat Isagi and that if he does it'd actually be the worst ending for him. Throughout this entire manga, Kaiser comes off as a really calculated person who's always thinking ten steps ahead, but inside he is just a damaged kid who is using soccer as his one means of coping with the trauma he faced as child.

And that phrasing "I thought I was becoming human" really just makes me feel so sad for Kaiser, because to him if he doesn't have soccer he is less than human and has nothing to give back to the world. He has never allowed himself any time to just be a normal teenager and just make friends in a healthy way, and the one friend he does have might just up and leave if he's not playing in a groundbreaking way. He thinks so lowly of himself that he hinges his entire identity around how other people perceive his abilities in the game, and if he's not the best at the game, he surely can't matter that much as a player, no matter how much Ness tries to placate him with words about how he's "already done enough".

Ego Jinpachi said it as well after Nagi made his really good goal, that some people are content with just being average and "good" instead of being great. And that it's because they're content with where they are in life, that they never advance at all. The idea that they are totally fine in their current position makes them lose the drive they normally would have if they weren't still thinking about trying to get better.

And Blue Lock's philosophy hinges on the player wanting to always get better and better and beat the other players on the field. Being "good" is never enough, hell being "Great" isn't enough at times, you need to be the best forever. You need to make it so that dethroning you is an uphill battle.

#bllk #blue lock #blue lock manga #isagi yoichi #blue lock manga spoilers #kainess #micheal kaiser #alexis ness

[assistant-of-drama]

Assistant Noah's World Tour!

Hello, my name is Noah.

And around 2 years ago, I had made the biggest mistake of my life.

I got into a show called Total Drama and now I can't escape this overrated series or its crazy host.

How did this happen to me?

Well, I'm going to tell you...

When I first entered the show, I thought that I was gonna stay at a fancy resort or something like that, while trying to win the 100,00 dollars.

But instead that hotel turned out to be a crappy, ancient campsite. They only have one outhouse and there's a camera inside of it. The food is disgusting and served by a violent psychopath of a Chef. The host is basically insane and probably gonna get crazier. With the cherry on top, being that our first challenge was to jump off of a giant cliff.

Yeah, the money just wasn't worth it.

I decided to trick my team into voting me off.

So, when the dodgeball challenge arrived, I saw it as the perfect opportunity since I hated sports anyway. I simply refused to help and gave my team the occasional rude comment here and there, to irritate them even more. It was almost too easy.

I smiled and chuckled to myself as I left the dodgeball arena, forgetting about the cameras recording my satisfaction.

When I wasn't given a marshmallow, I had to resist the urge to smile, while acting angry and disappointed. I even subtly insulted their intelligence one final time as I left, getting pelted with marshmallows in the process. It was totally worth it.

I couldn't fight the smug smile anymore as I reached the boat, nor the sigh of relief as the boat left the stupid island.

If only I knew that being unable to control my joy would've sealed my fate.

I was pleasantly surprised to see that there was a resort after all; a resort of the losers.

How ironic, but I wasn't gonna complain.

However, a few days later, Chris and Chef learned that I got voted off on purpose. They were furious. They called me back to the island, explaining that as a punishment, I would have to come back to the island as Chris' assistant for the rest of the show. My jaw dropped in disbelief. Apparently, I missed the fine print in my contract; if anyone leaves on purpose, then they're forced to work for Chris.

As I reluctantly went on the boat back to the island, I couldn't help but feel a mixture of anger, disappointment, and a bit of fear. I didn't know what Chris had planned for me, but I knew it couldn't be anything good. When I arrived at the camp, I immediately put on a disguise, so the others wouldn't recognize me.

I was exhausted. Chris had been working me like a dog since my return to the island. He had me doing all sorts of tasks. I'd never been so tired in my life. Every time I thought I'd finally catch a break, he'd find something else for me to do. It was relentless.

But at least I get paid more than the other interns.

Then later to my surprise, Chris began to ask me for new ideas for the challenges. I was confused at first, but then he explained that he was impressed with how I managed to trick my team into wanting me off the island. He saw it as a sign of my true potential. I couldn't believe it. Chris, the insane host, was actually praising me?

I decided to take advantage of the situation and give him my best ideas. To my surprise, he actually liked most of them. Over time, my role in the show became bigger. We would brainstorm ideas for challenges together, and I would help him execute them. It was a weird kind of partnership, but it worked for us.

As the days went by, I learned to accept my new life on the island. Sure, it was still a competition, and there was always the chance that someone might figure out my true identity, but for now, I was content. I even started to enjoy the challenges again, if only because they were more interesting with my unique perspective. The gross eating challenge was one of my favorites.

When the finale arrived, Chris, Chef, and I were thrown into the water by the contestants as a form of revenge. We didn't see it coming; one minute we were announcing the winner, and the next, we were soaked to the bone.

Then my wig came off, revealing myself to the others. They were angry at first, but after I explained everything, they decided to forgive me… except for Heather. We all had a laugh about it and even became friends.

I thought it was over.

But then Chris made everyone chase a case with a million dollars inside of it, while I simply stayed at the resort.

Then Chris revealed that he tricked everyone into doing a second season of Total Drama, I didn't care at first because I thought that I was gonna leave.

The apathy turned into horror, when Chris reveals that I'm still his assistant, according to my signed contract.

Life, why do you hate me so?

In Season 2, everyone became extra nice to me, hoping that their kindness would somehow get them special treatment in the future episodes.

Even Justin began flirting with me, and I couldn't help but feel a twinge of annoyance. I mean, sure, he was gorgeous and all, but I'm immune to Justin's charms. He's just another generic pretty boy that everyone loves drooling over.

I was so relieved when he left.

While the others finally took the hint that I wasn't gonna give them anything and now leave me alone, thank god.

Now that Season 2 is over, Chris is currently preparing a third season which is gonna take place in a unstable plane traveling across the world and singing random musical numbers.

Chef was right, that is the worst idea ever.

At least I'm not expected to sing.

The making of Season 3 is how I met Alejandro. The perfect combo of beauty, brawn and brains. Basically Justin, but with upgrades. The man who could charm the pants off of most species. At least that's what Chris says. Because personally, I think that guy is as overrated as the show I'm forced to work on.

That doesn't stop the Prince Charming Wannabe from flirting with me. In fact, it only seems to encourage him. He's constantly circling around me, waiting for the perfect moment to pounce. It's amusing, in a pathetic sort of way. I mean, really, how can someone be so convinced that they can win someone over with a few well-placed compliments and a big, fake smile? It's almost insulting.

Then there's Sierra. She's… interesting, to say the least. There's something about her that suggests she's not quite right in the head. When she was an interviewer, she followed the cast around like a lost puppy, constantly scribbling in her notebook and asking questions that no one seems to understand. She's also obsessed with Cody.

Her obsession with Total Drama is borderline creepy. She knows every contestant and knows personal things about us too. Even Chris himself. It's unnerving, actually. She even seems to know some things about me that I'm pretty sure I haven't told anyone.

They are the two weirdest people that I've ever met… and I'm about to be trapped on a plane with them. Great. Just great.

I'm not sure whether to feel sorry for myself or laugh at the absurdity of the situation. I mean, here I am, stuck as Chris Mcclean's assistant, while everyone else gets to compete for a chance at a million dollars. And now, we're all going to be singing and dancing our way around the world. It's enough to make anyone's head spin.

Pray for me.

(Inspired by total-drama-brainrot's anonymous questions!)

#assistant noah's world tour #assistant noah #total drama #total drama island #total drama action #total drama world tour #td noah #alejandro burromuerto #alenoah #td sierra #td heather #td justin #chris mclean

[ohbo-ohno]

About ghoap x reader, I dunno if you'll understand where I'm coming from, but I find it hard to imagine their relationship functioning in any capacity if reader DOESNT like Johny. Or if she likes Simon more than Johny. Like at first maybe Simon will be a bit chuffed, get that kick of control of superiority, but if reader doesn't quickly show interest of liking Johny, or an inclination, than Simon will start taking it personally?

Like what do you mean you don't like Johny? Look at him, he's sweet, he's obedient (sometimes) and he's just... Lovable. What do you MEAN you DONT like him? What is wrong with you?? And I think if you insist, or simply don't click with Johny, you start to slowly lose value in Simon's eyes. Like someone being unappreciative of his pups presence is an offence.

Doesn't matter if you like Simon, if you can't accept both of them, then maybe you don't have a place here. I think of Simon as a logical man, and even if he does like you, whatever initial thoughts he has on you will quickly depend on if you try to obey, get along, and fit in.

You can lead a horse to water, or whatever the saying was. Basically, if he finds more and more that it's an effort to make you want to obey, he'll just get rid of you. Like even Johny at his worst, always disobeying and making Simon have grey hairs, at least WANTS to try to be good, always has that need/want to obey, even if he fails sometimes.

And I think if you don't try, or take for granted that you're gonna stay here with that attitude, he just. Realizes that you aren't it. Gets rid of you and tries again. Maybe he dumps you back into civilization or kills you, who knows. But he simply cleans his hands of you.

Maybe he tries to find someone else, looking much MUCH more carefully for his requirements. Maybe he doesn't, at least for a while. Poor Johny is heartbroken that you didn't like him, that you didn't want to be around him. He tried so HARD, and that's the thanks Simon's boy gets? Absolutely unnaceptable.

He takes the time to console Johny, build him back up again after the incident, and maybe it takes time, Simon questions if they need to try again. This time, he'll be more meticulous, have a longer vetting process, and have to make sure they to put in effort for the both of them.

Probably do some private training before meeting Johny, so they have good behavior, don't hurt his poor puppy's fragile heart. They're not told they have to get along with Johny, otherwise they might try to fake it, but if they don't like him Simon makes sure they don't stick around long enough for his boy to get too attached. It's a trial and error sort of thing, but Simon hopes to find the One in the first few attempts- he likes Johny in physical pain, never emotional one, at least not like that. He won't make that mistake again.

Feel free to ignore my ramblings it is 3:03 am where I'm from I should be asleep deer god. I think when I see so much x reader fics, as much as I love them, my mind tries to go in a more cruel direction to fit into the perspective of who the characters are to me.

I LOVE ghoap x reader, or just ghoap in general, but my kind has a way of thinking of Simon as a control freak who doesn't succombé to his emotions quickly. It took him time to even like soap as a friend, much less as his dog. Even if he likes reader, he only did this because he loves Johny and the pup needs a new friend.

Johny is more emotional I guess, maybe less so than he portrays to Simon (he wants to be the man's good boy, and if he has to bark and wag his literal tail, or make dog noises in public, he'll do it) but definitely a bit more than normal people. Definitely the type to have crushes or fall in love fast. Maybe that's how Simon got the first reader: Johny liked her, Simon naively thought that that was enough to choose her.

But his boy is the type to hump anything with a pulse (and even that's optional) so maybe he should have been more patient, more critical.

Anyways I'm gonna collapse after this gosh does this thing not have a word counter? Anyways bye bye my love *kisses your forehead consensually I hope*

"It took him time to even like soap as a friend, much less as his dog." has left me dead on the floor

btw you might like The Price to be Paid! it's a ghoap x reader where ghost puts a looooot of effort into picking who he's going to kidnap for Johnny, and istg parts of it feel like they were plucked right from my subconscious, the author has a perfect grip on ghost as a character (imo)

in general, i think you are completely and totally 100% right. the only caveat i have is in a kidnapping fic it might take ghost a bit to figure the difference between "she hates us because we kidnapped her" and "she just hates us because we suck" lmfao but! overall i think you're totally right, that man won't talk to anyone who doesn't like his favorite boy

#🗑️ anon #asks and answers

[flanaganfilm]

Good morning/ evening! My name’s Sam and I’m currently a film student hoping to get into freelance writing. I’ve got a couple questions if you don’t mind (hoping you haven’t already answered them and I just missed them).

When you first starting making your own films, did you have already have thick skin for any critics/ bad reviews? Or is that something you grew over time?

Also, for your production company, do you hire interns and PAs or do you prefer filmmakers with more experience?

Thank you!

To your first question, I do not have a thick skin in that area AT ALL and never have. I don't know many people who do.

I'm often approached by fans who will talk about what a project of mine means to them, or I find a review or think piece online where the author really connected with my work. I want to let that feedback in, because it's validating. But letting it in means letting ALL of it in, even the negative. I don't really get to pick and choose. Once I decided to let myself react emotionally to other people's feedback, those gates are open I've got to accept whatever comes through.

I take my work very seriously, and tend to pour my heart and soul into it. We make these things because we love them. It can literally take years of daily work to do. When people love it, it feels great. When people don't, it hurts. There's really no way around that.

Film criticism has, like a lot of things, devolved over time. I was a massive fan of Robert Ebert, who was thoughtful and sophisticated in his critiques (most of the time), and tried to approach each movie he watched on the film's own terms - from the perspective of "how successful was this at achieving what it set out to do?" I see a lot of criticisms today that don't do this, and instead are lamenting what a movie is or isn't, saying things like "I wish this was more..." or "This isn't good because I wanted it to be something else."

"I wanted a ________ and what I got instead was ______ so it sucks."

The other issue is that loud, sensationalized vitriol gets more clicks. Negative reviews, especially brutal and callous ones, get more attention than positive ones. I've gotten to know and befriend some professional critics over the years, who have all told me that the positive reviews don't generate the audience reaction quite like the negative ones. People enjoy watching things get beat up. We reward the wrong kind of discourse, and that isn't unique to film criticism - it's everywhere. That's just a symptom of our culture.

One of my great frustrations is how we assert our opinion as objective truth. There's nothing more dangerous than tweeting "I liked ______ movie!" The comments flood in about how you're wrong, how it sucks, blah blah blah. People think their own taste is somehow factual. If someone says "I had a fantastic steak dinner last night and I loved it," we don't say "you're wrong, steak sucks". We understand the concept of taste when it comes to other things we consume, but when it comes to entertainment each one of us thinks we're the ultimate authority.

For myself, my producer and my wife have long discouraged me from reading reviews. I still can't help it. It's not healthy though. I can scroll past a dozen positive ones, and they evaporate in my mind, but I read one scathing thing and it sticks with me for days. There is one particular review of MIDNIGHT MASS that is one of the most baffling and frustrating things I've ever read, as the author appears to have misunderstood just about every aspect of the series, and drawn the angriest, most misguided, most erroneous conclusions. I read it with my jaw on the ground... "but they're objectively wrong. That isn't what happens, and that isn't what the show is even about." But what can I do? Who am I to say their experience of the show is invalid? They feel how they feel, and that's fine. That's okay. It has to be.

So your skin doesn't get thicker, it is a bizarre emotional experience to put something personal out there into the world and see the gamut of reactions. But at a certain point you have to remind yourself that it's impossible to please everyone, and that these projects don't belong to the filmmaker - they belong to the audience, and each and every one of those experiences is unique and valid. Perhaps there are lessons to be learned, and perhaps the critique can help you grow as a filmmaker.

I have similar feelings when I see someone trashing someone else's work I happen to love - for example, I remain baffled by people who didn't like EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE ALL AT ONCE, but that doesn't mean anything. It didn't work for them, that's all. Nothing works for everyone.

I have found over the years that I respect and appreciate analyses and criticisms that take this more personal point of view, and talk about their own interaction with the work as opposed to just dismissing it outright. When someone says "this movie didn't work for me," or "I didn't connect with it," or "It just wasn't my cup of tea," I have a much easier time taking it seriously. It's changed how I talk about my own reactions to movies or shows that I didn't respond to. And I found that it's made it much easier for me to enjoy things even if they aren't quite for me. Instead of being reactive and saying "it sucks" or "I hate this," I've gotten better at realizing it's not a binary experience - I can look at what DOES work for me, and I can appreciate it, even while other elements might not.

It makes for a much more nuanced discussion, and helps me grow. Sometimes, though, it's just the wrong thing to watch on the wrong day, and that's fine too. Maybe that makes it a little easier. If I step out of something and just really don't enjoy it, it helps remind me that it's not personal. Clearly, other people DO enjoy these things, sometimes I'm very much in the minority. And when that happens, I can say "oh, it's not so bad if someone hates a movie I made, or a show, or whatever. Life's too short."

But I long ago decided I'd never say anything negative about someone else's work in public. I know too much about what it takes to make a movie, and I'm not a critic. I'm a filmmaker. This town is too small, and there is zero upside in dragging another filmmaker's efforts. On the rare occasions when I do see another filmmaker indulge in that behavior, it is always a terrible look. And it can have real-world consequences - there are a few filmmakers who I've seen publicly slag off other people's work, and I quietly decided never to hire them. Like I said, it's a small town... and most of us read what people say about our work.

We should get back to that work, remember how lucky we all are to do this for a living, and leave that kind of thing to the critics.

#filmmaking #criticism #boy do I miss Roger Ebert

[monstersinthecosmos]

I'm so glad you're back!! I was so panicked when I saw your blog was gone, because you are truly one of the absolute stars of VC fandom!!

I joined VCblr a few months ago because I have been obsessed with Marius since I was 13, like my Marius obsession literally changed my life in multiple ways and I saw VC was becoming popular again so I wanted to join in! but like one of my first posts got these comments from people I'd never even spoken to before about how I was disrespecting Marius and his fans, and to be a little dramatic the way some of these comments were written, I felt like some of them seemed to actually really hate me personally. It just killed my desire to write fic or meta anymore so I just deleted my tumblr and now I just have an empty one so I can lurk on people. Like I have really limited time and energy for fandom, and I don't want to spend it writing stuff that people just hate seeing and making them feel bad, and then feeling bad myself for liking the stuff I like.

Anyway, I found your blog a little while ago and I am OBSESSED with your creativity and your perspective on like everything, so I'm sorry to be a weird rambling anon but basically I'm just trying to say your blog has made a difference to how I feel about my own freaky way of loving Marius and I just love your openness and acceptance and your ABSOLUTELY FLAWLESS A++ MARIUS TAKES and you genuinely have improved my VC experience 100% and I'm glad you haven't been erased from existence.

ugh see this is what I mean dude!! I'm so sorry to hear you had that experience!!!!!! Please talk to me off anon any time, I'd love to see your posts if you wanna come back and share again!

I BRING THIS UP NOW AND THEN so I'm sorry if I'm like a rambling old man telling the same story 400 times, but, now and then I think it bears repeating. But like, when I was 13, a boy at my school bashed my head open on a locker (I had to go to the hospital and get my head stapled shut) and he punched me in the face so hard that I have permanent ligament damage in my jaw. And it was because I was like, a baby bat and I was into numetal and Wicca and I was like the only kid in my small town school who didn't go to church. The day it happened I was wearing a Korn shirt!!! And I had blue hair! And I'd been like very intensely bullied my whole time in middle school, and the adults in my life NEVER protected me. This was RIGHT after Columbine and people were still buying into the propaganda that the killers were bullied goth kids and not fucking neo-nazis, so like, the entire time I was getting violently harassed, every day!, no one protected ME because they thought I would turn out to be the violent one. And yet, I was being put on hit lists. I had a gun pointed at me. A boy one time stole my Wicca book out of my backpack and read it to the class to make fun of me, but *I'm* the one who got in trouble for it because they thought I wanted to cast spells & curses on my classmates. The boy who assaulted me was a KNOWN problem in our school, and I wasn't even the first girl he hurt! MEANWHILE I still got a week of detention for having my head bashed open because they said I started the fight. ((This is up for debate: Yes I actually did throw the first punch LMFAO but he HAD been teasing me incessantly for like ever so like come the fuck on. I deserved that one.))

idk why I was just born like, without any shame or something, I guess it's innate, the rebel streak, I can't explain, but none of this really hurt my feelings? Every time people would make fun of me I was thinking "Yeah but I love Korn and they're so COOL and if you're making fun of me that means you're NOT cool and I don't really value anything you have to say????" And that really sustained me through all of this.

So yatta yatta terfs & conservatives poisoned the fandom well on Tumblr and I always think that it's not so different -- being picked on because you like something weird & offputting or whatever, and being treated like a threat or a danger when you're the one who's vulnerable to harassment and violence. In the digital space on Tumblr it's going to be about like kinky stuff and villainfucking and IRL it was because I was the only goth at my school and I liked horror films. It's the same shit, being harassed because of the fiction you like and the media you consume. And on Tumblr it's people being absolute fucking dickheads and IRL it was me being put in the hospital because a guy put his fucking hands on me, he was that upset that I was into cool shit.

And just. Yknow. It does suck when you want fandom to be a chillout space and you get your feelings hurt. It fucking SUCKS when people show up here specifically to be unkind to others, like I can't think of a less productive use of time. But part of me always thinks "I didn't get my head stapled shut for some grassless little fucking weasel on tunglr dot com to shame me over vampire porn" lmao.

(As an aside if you ever want to look into other examples of people being IRL fucked over over STUFF THEY LIKE, google the West Memphis Three ((innocent metalheads who did 20 years on death row because people thought the weird metal boys MUST be murderers)) or the FBI trying to file Juggalos as a GANG which means anyone who had an ICP phase and got a Hatchetman tattoo as an 18 year old is now in jeopardy of losing their fucking children for affiliating with a gang, okay. And this isn't even to scratch the surface of the way people treat hip hop and way it's mired in racism. Censorship and thought policing are always going to come down to Christofascism and white supremacy, but I digress.)

So blah blah all that to say, I'm not going anywhere and it pisses me the fuck off that people can't keep this bullshit to their private group chats. I have NO idea what anyone gains by acting like this in public.

Like, yeah yeah, fandom is silly, whatever, but hobbies are legit! And we deserve a space to unwind that isn't ruined by capitalism and bigotry and just, some little space to land. ESPECIALLY when, let's be real!, it's very very very common for fandom folks to be neurodivergent. I mean why else would we be so obsessed and blorbo-sick lol. So like, it just feels extra fucking shitty of people to be rude to fans like that, to make you feel shame for the thing that excites you.

Fandoms SELF GENERATE. Someone has to be here posting shit and we have to interact with it and create community. And genuinely if all you can contribute is your horseshit attitude, you can go fuck yourself!!! And I can't begin to tell you how much it breaks my heart when I see this infighting in one fandom, because like, being a Marius fan - BELIEVE ME - when I tell you I've done my time as persona non grata, the antis have fucking come for me LMFAO, I'm on the blocklists, I've been accused of absolutely heinous bullshit for liking a stupid fake vampire character. Like, listen!

I've had my head bashed open on a locker for liking numetal! You're not going to chase me off Tumblr!!!!!!

Anyway this got away from me, idk what I'm trying to say, I'm saying that I'm so sorry you had a bad experience and I hope you come back some time! And I encourage everyone to block & curate your space as needed to make for a happy escape zone. EVEN BLOCKING ME, I KNOW I GET ON PEOPLES NERVES SOMETIMES. And my content isn't for everyone! It's fine! Stay safe please, and I love you, and I have your fucking back dude!!!

AND EVERYONE ELSE JUST, HOLY SHIT BE NICE TO PEOPLE. IT COSTS $0 TO BE FUCKING NICE TO PEOPLE. IF YOU'RE NOT BEING CREATIVE YOU'RE BEING DESTRUCTIVE!

#fandom lolitics

[hawkinsunderground]

No but if the whole 'will is somehow turned into the villian (obvi against his will) and is going to fake die next season only to come back and save the day when all hope is lost' thing is legit, can you imagine the implications of byler??? Can you imagine the implications for my mental state????????

Mike realizing his feelings and not getting the chance to tell Will before it's too late, or even having them revealed to him just a little too late? whether that be before Will becomes the 'villain' or 'dies'. The effect Will's 'death' would have on his character. The grief, the knowledge that its real this time, that the person who believes in him the most is gone, and there's no other world he's coming back from this time? (Especially if Will's feelings about him are clarified, if Mike knows that the painting and everything Will said was from his heart, not el's?) The deep regret of missed opportunities haunting Mike?

The sense of all hope being lost, of having nothing to fight for, or rather, no longer having the spirit to fight, but going on with it anyway because he's not going to let Will's perception of him be a lie. It's a suicide mission anyway. And maybe he's glad for it now.

And he'll inspire his friends just like Will said he does, when they're all reeling from Will's death too and can't imagine going on without him. He'll get them to fight, and he'll fight with them.

And at that last minute, when they're about to lose, when their plan starts coming apart at the seams and they're on their last leg, with nothing to do but accept defeat, and Will comes back, alive???

The reunion, the renewed sense of spirit to fight, with Will not just giving them a chance by unexpectedly jumping into the fight, but reigniting the spark that went out in everybody when he died? And they finally win and Mike is running to hug Will but it's so crazy and hectic and all his friends are there too crying in relief and shock and joy at having their friend back and Vecna actually being dead this time, so there's no time for intimate heart to hearts.

But then the dust settles and it's just them, and Mike just can't get over how he lost and regained Will for a second time, with the finale paralleling the pilot, and how awful it was and how much it put things into perspective for him.

and they have a sweet moment, where Mike is reeling and just taking in that his best friend isn't dead, and at first, Will thinks it's just that. That Mike's little 'I thought I lost you' moment would end there, with another hug, the intensity of which is lost on Will, and some meaningful words, not seeing the deeper feelings that he's convinced could never be there.

And then Mike finally, finally confesses? What then? Where would my sanity be then?

#the possibilitiessssss #stranger things leaks #stranger things s5 spoilers #byler #mike wheeler #will byers #byler analysis #byler brainrot #I'm just having fun atp imagining all the different ways s5 can go #ik I'm probably so far off it's not even funny but what's a fandom without specluating all the way up to the minute the new season releases #the brainrot is setting in #it may be terminal

[antianakin]

@theneutralmime

I think there's probably NUMEROUS reasons fans have for disliking the Jedi.

I think some people might dislike them because before the Prequels came out there was this alternate perception of what the Jedi were/had been that was primarily dictated by Legends which seemingly based them far more on European Knights than anything else, something which clearly appealed to a lot of people and was familiar and fun as an archetype. People became, ironically, attached to this version of the Jedi that they'd grown up with and so when the Prequels came out and they were NOT in fact European Knights with laser swords and magic powers but Buddhist Monks with laser swords and magic powers, it was jarring. So I hear, at least. I had no concept of Legends and I saw the Prequels first anyway, but I'm told this was apparently jarring for people. So it's just a lot of "Well these aren't MY Jedi from my childhood" going on.

And adding to that, I think some people just disliked the Prequels as a whole and so one way to sort-of reinterpret the Prequels in such a way that they felt they could enjoy them more was to decide that their dislike of the Jedi was the intended reading of the film. It's not that they were misinterpreting it or that Lucas had somehow done it wrong, but that the Jedi being unlikable was the whole point. And this is the ONLY way they can see the Prequel films as enjoyable or worthwhile, so they're not going to accept any other explanation. Either the Jedi are supposed to be the bad guys and the films did exactly what they were meant to do, or the Jedi are supposed to be the good guys and the films failed because they didn't get that across TO THESE FANS.

And when you dislike something that much, it's VERY VERY DIFFICULT to turn that opinion around, even after you see other people make arguments on its behalf. As someone who has pretty strong negative opinions about things, I can speak to that from experience. I know people liked the Ahsoka show and even thought it was genuinely well-written and well-acted, I've seen some of their arguments for why they believe that. But none of those arguments are ever going to mean anything to me because my experience of it was so negative that I don't particularly WANT to like it or have my opinion changed. To me, it's just bad. I can't just force myself to understand it differently than I do at this point, even though I recognize other people don't share my opinion.

So some of those people who just had really negative experiences of the Prequel films and the way they depicted the Jedi might just be in a similar position. No amount of knowing other people interpreted it differently, no amount of arguments in defense of the Prequels and the Jedi, no amount of quotes by George Lucas, is every going to take away from the fact that these fans had a really negative experience with these films that will likely always color their opinions of them.

Some other arguments I've seen about why they dislike the Jedi in particular seem to stem primarily from their feelings about Anakin and the way his relationship with the Jedi was depicted in the films. Some of it might come from people having the hots for Anakin and so they just... don't care about anybody BUT him, but some seems to come more from how young Anakin is in TPM and the way it really changed their perspective on this character who had only ever been a villain prior to that film.

I think people saw the Council scene with this fairly small child in the middle of a room full of adults whose job it is to decide his future and really related to his fear and nervousness and defensiveness far more than they related to the Council being put into a difficult position and trying their best to be objective but not unkind. And while you are SUPPOSED to relate to Anakin here to some extent, you're also supposed to be able to recognize that just because Anakin's fears are valid doesn't mean the Council are wrong to see that he's not prepared for this life and that being a Jedi is likely not going to be the right path for him. That second part seems to elude a lot of people because all they see is a scared little boy and so they insist in the same breath that the Jedi stole Anakin away from his loving mother AND that they should've just let him join the Order no matter what. And so when Anakin starts making bad decisions and killing people and being arrogant, they don't blame Anakin for it, they don't trace it back to Anakin's mistrust and dishonesty, they just decide it was the Council's fault for not giving him everything he wanted immediately and causing him irreparable trauma as a result.

People also I think ended up relating a lot more to ADULT Anakin than they do to the Jedi because Anakin is INTENDED to be relatable, he's got all of the character flaws that are causing the entire story to happen, while the Jedi are primarily side characters who have completed their own character journeys and are now there just to guide others. They're the moral compass of the films, delivering many of their themes and messages, but they're not the HEART of the story the way Anakin is. I think this led to a lot of protagonist bias in some ways where they like Anakin and so they just proceeded to come up with every excuse under the sun for why he was right instead of understanding that even though Anakin was the main character and the heart of the story doesn't mean he's not also a cautionary tale of what NOT to do. That's truly it. It's a very long, very complicated fable for children about the consequences of selfishness and greed.

But people these days OFTEN feel like if they enjoy a character then they cannot also be problematic or do problematic things, so if they enjoy Anakin, despite all of the objectively horrific things that he does, then Anakin just cannot be the one at fault for it. It MUST be someone else's fault. And of course the opposite also ends up true where if someone dislikes a character, then they must come up with a reason for why they're problematic to explain it. And thus we also get the Jedi then becoming the scapegoat for Anakin's choices. They didn't like the Jedi, but they liked Anakin, so of course then Anakin was right and the Jedi wrong all along.

And more and more people who see the Prequels this way are the ones creating new Star Wars content, so we keep seeing more stories that emphasize this idea that the Jedi were wrong and Anakin was right. It's obviously in the Ahsoka show, it's in Rebels, it's in Tales of the Jedi, it's in the Cal Kestis video games, it's in the High Republic novels, it's definitely come up in several of the other Star Wars novels, it was (to some degree) in the Sequel Trilogy, and we know it's going to be in The Acolyte. And of course it's just VERY popular in the Star Wars fandom in general. Most fans aren't going to be looking up George Lucas quotes or watching his audio commentaries and researching what he meant by attachment, so they're just going to consume the content that's available and that content at this point is pretty consistently sending the message that the Jedi were wrong and Anakin was right. It's almost entirely inescapable these days. So I don't necessarily even blame most fans for being Jedi critical, I just personally can't stand it anymore.

#star wars #jedi #pro jedi #anakin critical #anti anakin critical

[posletsvet]

Some further chapter 235 thoughts

Alright, a little disclaimer before I get carried away: this may and chances are will in some ways contradict my thoughts from when I last talked about it here. Right after the spoilers came out my thinking was driven by emotion, and before I got a chance to sit down and shape my opinion properly, the emotion was what defined it. I guess I shouldn't have written it down in the first place, as all I really did was allowed my feelings to get the better of me and judged the situation biased. My bad, really,,

With that out of the way, my opinion has shifted since, and as I've come to see it, there's at least one important thing that Sukuna vs Gojo fight did, and that is precisely cementing Gojo's position as the strongest. It's already a pre-established truth when we enter the story, but it's put into question with Sukuna finding a way out of his seal through Yuuji consuming that finger. Sukuna merely being brought back to existence is already enough to challenge Gojo's title. Is Satoru Gojo rightfully the pinnacle of Jujutsu, or is he, as Sukuna brags, just somebody who is considered the strongest when the King of Curses wasn't around to provide a contrast? Is he the most powerful sorcerer of all eras, or is he simply the one of his time, comparatively mild and peaceful? Two characters getting to be named the only honoured one throughout heaven and earth is an explicit contradiction, so how could both statements be true at the same time? These were the questions hanging in the air from the beginning, looming over both the audience and the characters' heads, and Gege undoubtedly has been laying the groundwork for Gojo and Sukuna's confrontation since the very start. So as much as I or anybody else may dislike it, the purpose of this fight was never solely to rescue Megumi. The debate over who should claim the title of the all-time strongest had come into question long before the necessity to save Megumi entered the equasion, it's been a thread unravelling itself throughout the whole narrative. If Gojo's arc is about to reach its conclusion, that could only be possible with this uncertainty dispelled. Now that we have a concrete answer, the narrative can move on from there.

What's also been a reappearing idea in the manga since the outset, is the notion that the strength positions individual's value in Jujutsu society, brought to us from perspectives of various characters. However, it's not the strength alone which defines one's place, or rather it's not all kinds of strength that are accepted as valuable and deserving of admiration. In actuality, what really matters is how well the person in question fits into the conventional image, which is backed up by centuries of tradition followed by those in charge. Otherwise the instances when extremely powerful in their own ways individuals are driven out to the outskirts of society just because they don't fit into the mold of traditionalistic beliefs enough wouldn't be present in the narrative, we just wouldn't have characters like Toji and Maki. The moral of their stories is, essentially, that in order to be recognized as an individual and have at least some singnificant say when it comes to making decisions in the Jujutsu world, you need to uphold a standard.

And by whom is that standard set?

My thoughts keep circling back to what Gakuganji once said regarding the defining forces in their society which Grade 1 sorcerers are, whereas Special Grades are rather 'something of a misrepresentation'. I guess those who are assigned Grade 1 really do have a greater influence on the world around them, and that is not due to their strength, but rather because they're setting an ideal for those below them in the hierarchical order. They're better fit to serve as role models, and in society where climbing to the top is a way to ensure survival, younger and less experienced sorcerers have no choice but to look up to those who thrive, seeking a way to achieve it, too. The strong get to dictate the standard, yes, but it's still essential that they uphold said standard themselves, providing an example. This even finds a reflection in the procedure of promotion. One needs to be deemed worthy upon receiving recommendations, and that requires having characteristics which fall in line with what is conventionally approved of. So while Gojo is considered the strongest of his generation, he is not, paradoxically, the most powerful player in the field, not in terms of political and influential significance. Not when he displays a mindset that is a stand-alone against traditional beliefs held by the absolute majority. That is a contradiction pointed out by Sukuna in early chapters: he finds it amusing that someone so strong plays by somebody else's rules.

How is all that relevant to the importance of Gojo winning the fight?

As we know, Special Grades tend to be lone wolves, too vastly outnumbered for their voice to be heard clearly. For instance, who in the Jujutsu world knows of Yuki's research and what fruit it bears, what insight into the nature of cursed energy her investigation provides? She's stigmatized for being a delinquent (I think it's no coincidence that the only thing Geto heard about her was how she didn't carry out her duties as a sorcerer), the work of her life going unnoticed with her death. It might be a complicated way for me to get to the point, but what I'm trying to say is that Gojo, as recognizable within sorcerer's society as he is, probably isn't that different from Yuki. No one really remembers his goals when asked to describe him. He's the strongest, and that's the only lingering impression of him. By coming out of this fight triumphant and therefore cementing his position on the top of Jujutsu society, Gojo makes sure he will be remembered -- just like Sukuna is still remembered, even though centuries have passed since he was at the peak of his power. With surpassing the King of Curses under his belt, Gojo's name is now set in stone, and so is his example for the future generations. This means Gojo's ideology will outlive him, and even if his beliefs might seem delusional as of now, it doesn't mean this won't change in the years to follow. Because the adequacy of one or the other set of ideas can only be measured by the context of society they exist in, and now that society has a stimulus to reconstruct itself, adapting to the views of someone who's proven himself ultimately superior judging by its own standarts. So yes, in the end Gojo and Sukuna both fought for the sake of proving they could win, but while Sukuna was after personal gain in terms of self-affirmation and growth, I'd argue that for Gojo it was rather about setting an example.

Now, to once again address my previous thoughts and how they've changed, I no longer think it's Gojo's loneliness that should be breached in order to bring about change. Gojo's being lonely is converted into somewhat of a symbol by the narrative, and, using a little bit of metaphor here, symbols should remain static, unchanged in order to carry meaning. In that sense Gojo still represents the flawed past which the main characters of the manga need to break away from, making him the last strong sorcerer forced to fight alone and trapped in his own position. Gojo as a side character needs to stay at least in some ways inferior for the protagonists of the story to outshine him, claiming the spotlight back. After all, it's all about giving way to the new generation, and Gojo himself acknowledges it well. He as a sorcerer of the previous, older generation is too well-ingrained in that very society which the whole narrative focuses on deconstructing. It's about surpassing your predecessors, and if anything, making sure his students will do so is Gojo's main goal as a teacher.

#jujutsu kaisen #jjk #jjk meta #jjk analysis #gojo satoru #ryomen sukuna #jujutsu kaisen spoilers #jjk manga spoilers #jjk 235 #twelve hours long working shifts do funny things to my brain #i spent the whole day alone with poor internet connection yesterday #and brainrot crept back in #i've been thinking a lot recently about what gege plans for the next chapter #and in what direction the story will go from there #the thing is #something as significant as gojo and sukuna's fight cannot end in vain for the story #so it got me thinking #and as a consequence i ended up reconsidering almost everything i had in mind before #but anyways i really hope we'll get back on with kenjaku's shenanigans now #and what uraume's been up to this whole time #and stick to the main crew's perspective again #i miss my darling boy yuuji #and nobara #and megumi... #arguably it's not gojo's job to bring megumi back #it's what the main characters are for

[penultimate-step]

Oshi no Ko 144 Reaction

After the big climax of last chapter, jumping straight into a more everyday, less tense situation is a bit jarring. I know this was done intentionally, I can see what they're trying to do here, but the part of my brain that craves the short term rush, the part of me that is desperate for answers and for the twins to actually start talking amongst themselves more and finally got a taste of it last chap is hungry....I know it needs to be pushed off for pacing reasons. I Know. But it does hurt a bit. Reading serially published works is hard.

Anyway. So the big theme of the movie arc is taking a look at how people are viewed in the eyes of others, right? That's why we have this whole setup of a movie within a manga - Ai's life, her real thoughts and personality, cannot be recovered. Even we, the semi-omniscient audience, aren't actually getting real flashbacks at her life, but rather her life filtered through the extremely biased eyes of Aqua (and Gotanda) with edits for marketability made by people who never knew her, like Abiko and Yoriko. This movie is likely going to become the definitive version of Ai for the general public, millions of people who never spoke to her at all - to those with no connection to someone beyond knowing their image, the constructed self is all that exists. The fact that this arc is the backdrop that we place Ruby's infatuation with Gorou is fairly intentional, I think, and if I wasn't 100% confident in that before than I absolutely am after last chap.

Which leads us into 144 - right after we had the dramatic chapter in which Ruby talks about how she views Gorou to Aqua himself, telling him that she sees him as a fan sees an idol, we cut directly to how Gorou is being portrayed in the movie. Melt and Ruby are both constructing images of of Gorou, but for very different purposes - while she cares for him and wants to idolize him, Melt is aware he never knew him, and is coming up with his interpretation solely for work purposes. This is the direct contrast being explored in this chapter - the different ways of seeing someone's image.

Ruby gets upset when what she sees as Gorou's charm points are not being fully expressed, that the movie's view of him won't match hers. Gorou needs to be painted in the best possible light, so that everybody else will share her image of him.

This is very amusing to me, considering that Gorou himself, as Aqua, couldn't even match up to her image of Gorou before she was outright told that it was him, but let's put a pin on that for now.

Melt, on the other hand, has no personal or emotional attachment here. He isn't trying to glorify Gorou, nor slander him, nor even really get to know him. For him, The Doctor is a role, a story, a character.

This is why he refers to the pin as a "character symbol," while he is doing his best to get a feel for Gorou thirdhand, his priority is not the man, but the role. He papers over gaps in his knowledge with story tropes, things that would work best for the narrative of the movie. From the perspective of an actor, this is probably the correct way to go about things. Abiko and Yoriko are probably satisfied with his interpretation of the role. But for Ruby, who has a personal investment, his image is not the same as her image.

(as an unrelated side note, this bit was funny. I can't believe they're having an adaptation vs source material debate about RPF of Aqua of all people.)

Ruby comes around to Melt not because of any change in him or his acting, or because she approves of his interpretation of Gorou, but because he starts talking about her:

Ruby accepts Melt's interpretation because so long as it maintains the connection between them, this is the most important element for her; she is satisfied. Her opinion of Melt then does a 180, just as her opinion of Aqua did in chapter 123.

This is where I will uncork the pin from before and say - one thing that I am kind of unsure about is what Ruby's image of Gorou actually is, at this point. Usually she seems to see him wholly positively, dissociating all of her criticisms about his behavior from the image she is idolizing. But last chap she started talking about his flaws, so she clearly knows at least some of them...but here she's right back to talking about his radiant inner strength. Leaves me a bit uncertain where she stands. However, I'm not the only one - I think she herself doesn't fully understand her own image of Gorou right now, to be honest.

Also, side note: the way Melt's "Gorou" act in this chap parallels Aqua's own in 143 was super cute.

But after thinking about that for a bit, I realized that it's deeper than a cute shot. while the movie arc has been giving more focus on Ruby's view of people than Aqua's, there's the interesting side note simmering in the background that Aqua, too, has a constructed image of Gorou at this point - even if he actually IS him, it's been over 20 years since he's been Sarina's doctor. Ruby, Melt, and Aqua all have very different ideas of who Gorou was - and none of them match the man himself.

I don't have very much to say about the last third of the chapter tbh. The supernatural elements of this story very much confuse me, I am not sure where they are going or what it's doing and don't feel confident speculating anything. Crow Girl is a cool character and I want to see more of her, but I suspect I'll appreciate her a lot more if I reread the series once it's done and we actually know what her deal is.

Overall, solid chapter, I think does a good bit to contrast and deepen our understanding of Ruby's views, and even if part of me really wants them to narrow in the focus on the twins a bit more after last time, I am content to let Aka keep cooking.

#i know tying all the threads together is needed for the story to work and it would be worse if it rushed #but i crave the high impact payoff chapters like the previous #oshi no ko #step.live #step.animanga #oshi no ko spoilers

[jascurka]

this is purely out of curiosity and i don't want to send hate your way, but do you ship mob and reigen? and if so, why?

I do, yeah. An ex-friend of mine asked me the exact same question (just more... harshly I think and with what I assumed was prejudice) before they decided to part our ways and I could never properly answer them because I was so stressed by the situation, it was hard to gather my thoughts. So I'll do my best to explain here, hopefully to make myself understood better.

Sorry if this gets lenghty >_< I'll just put a readmore right here.

I think the biggest reason for why I like them is their canon relationship that has been explored in the series already quite thoroughly - that they have changed eachother, helped eachother grow and one wouldn't be the person they are without the other. I think most of us understand the depth of it. Reigen is Mob's teacher and friend, someone like an older brother. There surely is a strong bond between them and they've seen each other at their best and worst and still acknowledged and accepted eachother's flaws. They trust eachother, they would give their life for eachother even (at least Reigen would, he almost did in the finale after all). And I do think that they love eachother but in a way that isn't actually romantic in canon. I'm perfectly capable of realizing that and I value it a lot both in the series and in fanworks (one of my fav works of fanfiction is about exactly that).

It was my curiosity that made me search up a ship fic of them, I was just confused why people ship them in the first place and whether it can be good and I found myself enjoying it a lot (to my surprise). It was set into the future, and dealt with some serious topics like loss and acceptance, it was kind of bittersweet. Then I felt that maybe it was just slightly ooc because all of the serirei fics I was busy reading depicted Reigen slightly different. Nontheless, I had the other ship on my mind then so I never really dived into Mob/Reigen, but it changed my perspective on them a lot.

And at some point into all this I realized, why not? Why can't I haz 2 cookies? (god im sorry that was terrible sfjgsdkj). What I mean is that the buildup canon offers can be taken further - more of their relationship can be explored in terms of new tropes, sometimes romantic too.

On a personal note I'll just add that I'm rather picky about them and tend to stick to fluff, hurt/comfort and slow slow burns. And I like them most post-canon, a few years into the future. It turns out that it all depends on how they're portrayed for me to like them anyways. I talked on here recently about a work that really had it all and portrayed their relationship in a very satisfying and mature way, with all the complicated feelings, it felt very realistic, especially on Reigen's side. So if anyone wants, here's a rec from me again -> in my dreams (I seem to be more honest) on ao3, just because I think it has all that I like about the ship.

I think that this is the whole point of fanworks - to kind of look further and have fun with it, to see "what if?". Even if it's something sort of.. taboo I guess? Because you get to take it apart in a fictional dimension (if that makes sense). And I completely understand if this is something that can ick some people out or that someone doesn't want to ruin their perception of the characters' relationship. That's totally fine by me and I'm not going to force anyone into liking the ship of course. And there are definitely tropes and tags I really don't want to look into - not everything is for me either.

And I think this goes without saying but I'll add it here anyways: what I like to see in fiction doesn't mean I would like or encourage anyone to do the same thing in real life! It's just interesting to explore from a safe distance where no one can get hurt.

#I didn't mean to make it this long sorry T_T #answered #you dont need to read the fic of course jsdfhskjf i just put it here for anyone interested #also big thanks for asking respectfully #I really appreciate it!

[thenightfolknetwork]

I've had problems with eczema for most of my life. Or at least, I thought it was eczema. What else would those patches of dry, hard, cracked skin be? It's never bothered me too much. I've always just slapped some cream on it and got on with my life (not those creams ever seemed to make much difference).

But a few weeks ago, a friend of mine (who is a creature themself) said that it looked less like eczema, and more like, well, scales. And now that I've actually thought about it, those strange patches don't really match the usual pictures of skin with eczema. They're too smooth, with an almost silver pigment in the right light.

So I've been researching, and wondering, and thinking about how I was always able to stay under the water so much longer than the other kids at swimming lessons, and contemplating the days I have when the air feels too thin, and wondering about the wrinkles on my neck.

The thing is... I've always thought I was sapio. I've tried to be a good ally to the creature community. I've tried to educate myself and support campaigns for creature rights. I've listened to the Nightfolk Network for years. I've got loads of friends who are creatures and I thought I was fully accepting. I've always said that the diversity of genuses in the world is a wonderful thing. But now that I'm wondering whether I might be a member of the creature community, I'm not sure that I'm as accepting as I've always thought. I've always talked about how members of the creature community are valid, but I'm only now realising that I saw them as definitely Other, definitely Not Me, perhaps even... not normal.

Questioning whether I'm fully sapio feels like a really drastic identity crisis. It feels uncomfortable. And surely if I really believed everything I used to say about decentering sapio narratives, I wouldn't feel this unsettled by the idea that I might be a member of the creature community. And how can I ask the creature community to accept me, if I don't really accept them as much as I want to?

I don't know what my question is really. I guess I'm just looking for a way to come to terms with this possible new information about myself. More importantly, I want to actually unlearn the idea that sapio is the norm, rather than just pretending to. Any advice?

I must say, you're being dreadfully hard on yourself, reader. You have put a tremendous amount of work into unlearning the sapio-centric narratives you've been immersed in since childhood, and it sounds as if you've made good progress to that end. But of course there is a difference between being accepting of diversity as an external question, and accepting a sudden, unexpected and unlooked-for change to your own identity.

You say you want to unlearn the idea that sapio is the norm. But I'm not sure I see any evidence here that you haven't already done that. The issue is that sapio has been your norm. That's not a matter of perspective or politics – it is simply true.

You didn't choose to be sapio, you don't think it is preferable to be a sapio than to be a person of the night. You simply believed yourself to be sapio. That's not prejudice, reader, any more than it is prejudiced to happen to have brown hair and so not consider yourself to be blonde.

I worry that your concerns on this front might be getting in the way of dealing with the emotional impact of this discovery. You are more than a mouthpiece for all the correct political opinions. You are more than a collection of opinions, each vetted and approved according to some external standard of moral purity.

You are a living, feeling, emotional person who has made a profoundly disruptive discovery about yourself, one which challenges every assumption you've held about your own identity and your place in the world. Take a moment. Breathe. Let yourself feel whatever it is you're feeling, whether or not you consider those feelings palatable. Let yourself be angry, or confused, or frightened, or any of the other very reasonable emotions this situation might have stirred up.

Your feelings don't make you a bad person. They don’t undermine the hard work you've done being a friend and ally to the creature community. And they aren't going to go away just because you argue with them.

In terms of helping you move forwards, you already have a strong network of liminal friends to lean on. Talk to them, get stuck in with the community, and learn by their example how to love your liminal self.

#answered #the nightfolk network #monstrous agonies