#like im forgetting something or i want to do something but idk what | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

angellurgy · 1 day

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its my fault its all my fault and its too late to go back on it everyone hates me or ignores me now even more than the casual exclusion from before. i dont even have the irl friends i came here for i dont have az i dont have anyone and the more im forced to rot away the more i rot the more it festers the more you all forget me but you already forgot me anyway bc i scared ppl too much and one attempt is bad enuff so you cant be worried about more or care after ur just burnt out and i get it but fucking. nothing. i used to be at least like, smth a little. like ppl talked to me sometimes. now im just nothing, isolated little freak who tried to kill itself so gets the ultimate punishment of everything that was the problem before times 1000. mental illness so bad talking is like a battle against myself because ive doing it so little, i cant do anything and i have no help and im too hopeless to even die im trying to work up the effort and energy but it doesnt come so i just rot and dissociate and ramble incessantlt on here hoping someone who i would kill to hear from will msg me or something to tell me that im noy hated or that ppl will start liking me again but it never comes because im rotting so it never changes and i know people hate me for not responding to them while i post shit like this which just makes ppl dislike me or be dissuaded from msging me even more but im just fucking in a pit and every single thing pushes me back in it. im trying to write poetry of the places i go in my dreams but i cant even muster the brajnpower must of the time. even when i retreat into myself and try to think about a future i know from what i see that nothing is possible because of what i am - and i am so fucking sorry for being what i am. i want so much, but i need too much help in order to do it. im too contradictory. too stupid. too 'kicked dog'. ill never escape this at this point. never. all i do is lose more and more, even if the passport application goes thru at this rate idk if ill have anyone to stay with/visit. i just needed fucking help. need help. but im too. helpless. so im just ranting here to no one, annoying my mutuals even more, the ones that have forgotten any memory of me except bad things, and losing even more when i come back. but i cant stop myself from posting bc i have nowhere else to put any thoughts n its the only chance of anything. ive been fucking trying. but. i cant do everything. i cant do most things right now in this state. i need help. but all i do is lose. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee sorry. sorry for not dying. i feel so so so fucking bad. all the time. for not dying and for wasting everyones thoughts and energy. for wasting their hope and their anger. even if im cracked open mentally now i dont think ill ever make up for it until i die. im sorry. no ones gonna fucking read this lol. im still sorry. god i wish anyone still thought abt me. i sont get msgs from anyone anymore except for a couple family. i feel so detached. even tho i want back in. i cant. i forgot how it works. sorry

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just-spacetrash · 17 days

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#one of those nights when i need to wake up early so i REALLY should sleep #but something just feels like its missing #like im forgetting something or i want to do something but idk what #like this unsatisfaction i cant get rid of that has me scrolling for hours and feeling bad #but if i try to sleep i just think of bad things and itch and cant sleep at all #at least the scrolling like. distracts or whatever #and i know the saying goes dont believe your brain after 9 in the evening but like #the unsatisfaction is so strong i feel like i need to do SOMETHING before i sleep i just dont know what #its been a while since the last time i had this #so annoying :(((#my post

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starrysharks · 10 months

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i wonder if white people specifically white progressives realise that black people are only ever seen as their skin color first and foremost

#this goes for all poc but im talking about black people here #black people are constantly connected to their skin color and tone in good ways and in not good ways #people will always see you as your race first because white is considered the default #like if someone wanted to insult me the first thing they would go for is my race or gender presentation #whenever an actor is cast for a role people see the fact that they are black before anything else - talent. style. etc is ignored #black people are othered in society to put it bluntly . that is why white people get so upset when black people are cast as any role #or when they uuuuuh you know exist #and if the other becomes the majority - say a movie with mostly black people or a black-exclusive setting #then white people will get uncomfortable and complain #maybe the way i explained it is weird idk im not good at explaining #what im trying to say is that blackness is not something you can hide unless you are able to pass as white/are biracial etc.#and so the many stereotypes about black people are what people see first #what i'm trying to get at is that the way people percive black people completely changes our experiences esp if we're queer or women #a white and visibly queer person will have a different experience than a black and visibly queer person #and white progressives often forget that #sorry if this was explained weird im not a good explainer and also some bad shit happened today so my head is not really in the game #do people even say that god #whatever man

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lunarharp · 4 months

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wip thing...

of my bg3 avatar hellebore. i also did some casual nude studies of my 3 characters which i'll put under a cut... rather unlike me after all. (so WARNING for abrupt non-sexual full Artistic nudity lol...,,,,) (< won't be making a habit of this)

they mean the world to me

#bg3 spoilers #?? idk. gith look so..Emaciated. And long. i guess we don't eat on the astral plane :) anyway..well..too much to say.....#it is very very very depressing having to live in the Real World after that final playthrough meant so very much to me.#i normally feel Hope & suchlike after finishing a highly immersive emotional game..but it's too hard this time and it hurtsssss lol yippee #i appreciate bg3 very much for being a place where i could access the concept of nudity & such like in a way that finally felt comfortable.#bodies are inherently non-sexual. they just Are a Fact of Life. this game being NORMAL about nudity from the character creation screen #makes it possible for someone like me to actually have a chance at accessing sensuality in a way that feels comfortable from there.#dont feel like putting it into words further. im ace. just very grateful to this game. even despite the horrors i will never ever forget it #augoh..gugf.. want to go back. my friends & love are in there.....i'm supposed to just move on? in the real world??? THIS place???? UHH????#my characters canonically look like that too!! i see them as intersex and not so much trans. They just look that way.#Diversity win!!! the people who enacted horrors upon you and are trying to kill you again respect your pronouns!!!! <3 #I FAILED HONOUR MODE IN THE STUPIDEST WAY POSSIBLE..ACCIDENTALLY TOUCHED AN ITEM. MY LOVER TOUCHED SOME BLOOD-TOUCHED RAG ITEM @ THE CRECHE #AND MY PEOPLE MASSACRED US... YOU BELOVED PRAT. OF COURSE IT WOULD BE YOU AND IN THIS WAY #grateful for love triangle chaos...INTENSE EX DRAMA... IT HAD MAJOR REPURCUSSIONS THIS TIME...ohh so very much happened ohh my dear #truly don't know how to face the Real World now for real. I Don't Know. something has snapped. ive realised twt just makes me feel sad lol #if something in my spare time isn't at least half as fun as bg3....like.. it's not good enough. god we only have one wild and precious life #being Online makes me feel a loneliness so wretched and painful and horrible i really don't think this is the answer.#Why did you even start drawing in the first place? Why did you start this?#For real..the need to work this out and decide what on earth i'm going to do now has presented itself. Why try to get better..why be online #someone who has an imagination that can keep them so happy and fulfilled...has no business also feeling a loneliness as profound as this.#why was someone THIS introverted and withdrawn and anxious also cursed with such a restlessness?#What are you going to DO now? because hellebore and their lover are fine....... So what about you...?#hellebore..😭😭 AUUGHH!! I JUST WANT TO GO TO MY BED IN THE INN...PLAY ON MY VIOLIN THAT'S WHAT I'D DO!!!! i'd drink some ALE DAMNIT!!!!!#i was rereading My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness- the only time i've seen this level of emotional isolation depicted-and was grateful.#but then i read her latest book and now she has a debilitating substance abuse situation and it's upsetting.#I hope she finds what she was looking for. I hope we all make it. kind of wild that i dont do such major self-sabotage at this point myself #I truly think anyone who manages to find dear friends and achieve fulfillment and happiness with others outside themselves are amazing.#I see it happen from my tower. i hope we all make it. I hope we can make it through everything to come.#Why did i say all this on drawings of my characters naked. ah who even cares any more......

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opens-up-4-nobody · 9 months

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#just an observation bc im avoiding working on stuff but i draw a lot and post basically everything i draw thst gets finished #and its v funny to me how u can tell how out of focus i was based on the quality of the drawing #or like when i post something and its like ok some of that was good but u def gave up halfway thru one of those lol #inconsistency i funny like that. its also funny to me that now a days i get comments like COLORS!!!#which is funny bc i notoriously haaaaaate coloring. like i will sit around whining and complaining when im home with my parents bc i dont #wanna color. its just so easy to fuck things up when u draw traditionally and it takes a million years so its a big ask lol #but i guess i dont hate is so much right now bc i kinda just slap whatever colors i want together like fuck it we ball #and thats kinda fun. reckless i suppose #its agony when u wanna try to do shadows and lights tho. like finding references ugh #or wanting to draw big ideas but then its like oh god its gonna take so long and if i dont do it all in one sitting i might die #im a lil better abt thst now bc it would b impossible but in my head i still hate it #ugh. all i wanna do is draw. theres another universe where i went to art school. or just like took art classes. and i wanna say id b happier #but thats def a lie XD i like learning too much and i dont have the attention span to hardcore learn genetics outside an academic #environment. and i got way too excited abt exploring the genetic traits of my cyano species #like i can make genetics trees for traits and look for. fuck. i forgot the word. how tf did i forget the word. oh god. horizontal gene #transfer. jesus christ its like theres a hole in my brain. well. i guess i did get only like 4hrs sleep. ugh im rambling.#i need to finish getting ready for Monday so i dont have to tomorrow and ill have time to draw. prob wont stop me feeling nauseous abt #teaching tho. OH FUCK. i just remembered i have a new office space now to decorate. fuck i need to hang up pictures and stuff #what would b the funniest way to put narut0 on my deskspace? idk ill have to think abt it. oh god im not ready #my head is like a handbell. one of the big ones when u ring it and it hits soft and u can feel the vibrations. someones wrung my head lol #unrelated

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savetheghost · 1 day

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wanna be put in a room with craft stuff for 10 years

#i cant focus on anything rn but the stuff i wanna make and its turning my brain into mush #the weird brainfucked fear that if i dont get these things started Soon ill forget it #my memory is so fucking borked man and my brain runs too fucking fast to hold on to anything #i make so much that i went and made my own hell lol #the two jobs thing i think is probably the crux rn cause ive got even less time than i used to and my time blindness gives me troubles #ill get adjusted to it #sometimes with all my fucked up processing issues makes me feel like im kind of stuck in a weird bubble #like i have no idea whats happening or whos around me or what people are saying and i just have to stumble through it yknow #shouldve been born as a tiktokers pet snail #not tryna be complainy or in a bad mood or nuffin im fine i literally just want to be making stuff rn #even though works like a big Thing its also been understimulating the past week because theres nothing to do i just gotta Be Here #i need to be put under pressure i need squeezed i need smushed and i aint getting that #if i ever make something for u plz hound me about it #so i can explain in excruciating detail what step im on and how im doing it and what still needs done and how ill do THAT #i should make tutorials #i feel like im way too stream of consciousness to make anything actually helpful #idk i want a toast chee

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ev1lmorty · 3 months

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feel v mean calling out soecific meta but im still kindve fuming over a post i saw w a bit too much engagement a few months ago implying erick couldve never gotten physical w emorty bc if he had emorty wouldve not put up w him as long or wouldve easily been able to defend themself actually it was a poll like. rallying abt what kind of abuse everyone thought emorty had endured like placing bets on how badly rick brutalized him. have we lost the fucking plot lol

#the way u can tell a lot of meta treats morty abuse as some sort of voyeuristic hobby #god i have bitched abt this on my priv so often i forget if ive said it here but i wish ppl could go #yeah i want to fuck rick n i acknowledge he is an abusive figure in his familys life or he didnt ysed to be this bad #but he allowed himself to let go of reality n become this person #like rick isnt just abusive in bed dominating ur reader in planned consenual dom settings. lol. anyways #idk i wuv rnm for having a portrayal of an abusive relationship i can actually fully relate to including the complicated codependent #feelings n having to navigate when things improve n the person gets better n what ur supposed to do when yr basically #left to pick the pieces up urself n how much of the tradegy behind their actions help n how much doesnt matter #im rambling now bc its v v late #also like enabling family when ur created in abuse it keeps going n going ppl no longer are able to acknowledge beths complicity #n jerrys apathy despite being the family scapegoat n at a similiar position to morty but its the quiet parent who tries to stay down #who enables it the most etc #summer loves her brother but gains something from the dynamic if she engages in the toxicity i could go #on #but it still comes back to rick.

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stellardeer · 9 days

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I feel really bad cause my spouse got me an iPad for my birthday a few years ago and I never use it...

He got it for me because I had been lamenting that I wished I had a drawing tablet with a screen instead of the second hand wacom that I use.

But when I unwrapped it I was shocked and surprised and worried immediately. I thought "why did you get me such an expensive gift..." and he said his dad helped pay for it. And then he told me why he got it and I was like oh okay that's nice I guess... but I never wanted an iPad. I wanted a drawing tablet. I was immediately concerned that I wouldn't like it. And I didn't want to sound ungrateful but I expressed that concern cause I was worried it was a mistake to get me such a gift and maybe he could return it... but I ended up keeping it and he got me an apple pencil to go with it and I bought and downloaded procreate to give it a chance.

I hate using procreate. It's a good program but I liked the program I was already using. I like drawing on my computer. Also the process of getting images out of procreate and onto my PC is stupid and cumbersome, and I dont like interfacing with websites from the iPad, I like using my PC. I just wanted a tablet that I could use with my computer that also had a screen. I don't even like Apple products, I never wanted to own one.

If I go on a trip and I want to draw I usually just end up bringing a sketchbook because I like that better than drawing on the iPad.

I gave it a shot for a while but I haven't touched the thing in like 6 months, and I feel bad that he spent so much money on it and I never use it :/

But I also can't complain about it cause it will make him feel bad but like idk, I wish he had just asked me what kind of tablet I wanted or something I mean I didn't even know what I wanted I had no serious plans to upgrade my tablet anytime soon, I still don't even know what I would want if I did. I have a $1000+ piece of fucking technology that I hate and I would rather use the thing that I paid $35 for.

#also honestly i forget sometimes that my monitors are touch screen #ive not even tried just getting a touch pen and using my monitors i dont think...#i cant remember but i think i even had the touchscreen monitors already when he got me the ipad #like idkkk i know i sound ungrateful cause it was expensive but like i immediatly was like why tf did you get me an ipad i dont want this..#but telling him to return it would have hurt his feelings so much...#its a fucking huge one too its like the biggest size they have #why did he do that #why did he think i wanted that #ughh im fucking awful why am i mad at him for getting me something nice what is wrong with me 😑#idk i think on some level it just shows like.. a lack of judgement on his part #like you didnt even consult with me before spending a bunch of money esp when we live together and share expenses #like he had to get his dad to help pay for it he could have spent that money on something way more practical #i dunno man i know i should appreciae anything that anyone wants to give me but..#its always kinda pissed me off when someone gives me something i dont want like it makes me feel like #they dont even know me and dont care what i actually want or like idk idk maybe thats selfish #he was just trying to make my life easier and get me something i had talked about wanting #but with big purchases like that i feel like you cant just fucking pick something you need to know what the person actually wants

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todayisafridaynight · 10 months

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i was playing about dropping Fifty Drawings onto everyone's dashboard this week but the unfortunate reality is i am in fact being assaulted with images

#snap chats #this is what happens when i go on three hour walks i guess #might abandon some but i will spitball the ones on the forefront of my brain..#more for my sake so i dont fuckin forget cause I Am Starting To Forget Already dont read if. you dont want spoilers ???#not y7 spoilers. or i mean i GUESS there'll be y7 spoilers but i mean for my psts. i guess. only i care about that ANYWAY #i wanna draw a comic of aoki getting SOME kind of butterfly memorabilia or something with him and butterflies #i Was having a chortle with myself about Like A Butterfly but i was also like... Yk Butterflies Still Are About Rebirth #lame as hell ik but shut up anyway next one i wanted to do was Troubled Teen Jo getting in a scrap with arakawa #idk if i want this to be AFTER arakawa's become a father or not.. im still chewing on exactly what i want the direction of it to be..#i have an IDEAAAA just.. nothing concrete yet..#and then the one i wanted to see if i could do tonight was Beach Day With The Arakawas :) Cause IDK <:)#i really dont know.. for some reason i just got visions of them three at the beach.. maybe its cause of tonbi idk...#though the more i thought about that idea the longer it got and the more i was like 'maybe i can turn this into a fic instead'#a terrible sentence cause generally i never get anything done when i say that but it'd fr be too long to make a comic of #so at least for now maybe ill make a short fic.. just tryna figure if i want a jo or arakawa pov #i always think of jo's pov so i wanna challenge myself with arakawa. i always focus on jo and his pov of 'becoming a father'#but sometimes i also really wanna explore arakawa's pov on jo becoming another parental figure for masato. or smthn like that idk #ANYWAY LET ME COOK. im not a good chef but i can at least cook an egg lemme see what i got...#bye bye for now ill be in the kitchen (google docs) if anyone needs me..

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catkin-morgs-kookaburralover · 11 months

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see sometimes I try and think about it all more logically. what if it was all happening to a friend. my friend!! you completely forgot to feed your kitten his wet food for five days? you haven't drunk water for a couple of days? you didn't shower or change your clothes for four days? you've only eaten two actual meals in the last two days? your average sleep in the last week is around five hours? my friend, you need help.

since it's me, I don't need help.

#most of it has been genuine forgetfulness/zoning out and 'oh it's 2am'#but like. last night i was lying awake hungry as anything bc all I had was dinner and not a great deal of that. if id been in a house on my #own i would've hopped up and got smth but i couldn't in case of disturbing grandma #(I have since purchased things that I will store near my bed that I can either take out of there #or leave them there for any such emergencies. if you call them emergencies. sometimes if i can't handle eating normally if i can't see what #im eating i can manage that - makes it less real somehow.)#honestly tho i am shocked by how immediately all my carefully created routines have fallen apart tbh #should i talk to my lecturer at uni who does the 12-2 class? to check she's ok with me eating in class? bc otherwise i will likely not eat #anything before dinnertime. probably skip breakfast #i don't know. i don't know anything. i love my course i love it so much and i don't know how i'll handle it #but i don't think i'd handle not doing it #idk im just so tired man #depression does a number on you frfr #okay that's it im turning on the heater finding some music and doing a lil dance. see if i feel better. maybe try a bit of hot water with #ginger or smth livening in it. i do want to try that. something to wake you up. ive been in a dead depressed limbo for five hours straight #and done nothing of use #tw ed #good news tho i find my anxiousness overall reduces the more depressed i am xD idk why lol #personal #puddleglum hours

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theevilicecreamsoda · 7 months

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I think i ever processed anything that happened from 2021 to now like ever

#sniffle… also body dysmorphia hit #i hate this stupid website i hate it i hate how much hate there is but god its where all of my friends are #im really starting to hate someone and im just… god i hate them i wish i never met them id do better being alone in 7th grade #they were never my fuckingg friend they just treated me like shit #‘i hate talking to you so much but im not gonna tell you and i never will’ great your boyfriend told me what you said during an argument lol #worst thing was i hated talking to him i hated it!!! id forget to reply for five minutes then hed be like ‘are you there’#im just… pissed he didnt speak up but i guess i didnt either #god im just… sometimes i just want an apology or just a hug i feel like some big bad in some dumb show or something #and it makes me wanna isolate so bad i just wanna stop going to school im just so tired #i just want to die sometimes i just feel like everyone hates me and thats why people dont talk to me #i just want to die sometimes or like just be a observer #i just wanna watch people sometimes when i was younger id want to disappear and then see what people said about me #to see if they missed me or anything #its so stupid that that never fully went away #anyways fuck idk why i fucking bothered typing all this nobody fucking cares anyway 💥💥💥🦅🦅‼️‼️❗️❗️#if youre reading this far sorry #evilsoda.hater

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hella1975 · 2 years

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anyway in regards to my last post this is all to say that if i moved to a foreign country and shared a nice apartment with my mutuals where we did boring errands together and listened to nice music and danced barefeet then everything would be okay i think