angellurgy

[angellurgy]

im sorry. literally if i just had someone with me irl things could be different. i could be okay. but im just empty and alone forever with no hope of getting to ameriva cuz i have no one to help me w a passport. id go almost anywhere in canada just to have someone by my side. every day im alone im going more and more insane, having the worst breakdowns of my life, i wanna cut off my face.

[angellurgy]

i guess its my fault that everyones just accepted me as already dead, i feel like if i comr back itll just be. worse. ppl will think of me and interact w me somehow even less than before. so why try, esp when im just gonna be. homeless anyway. i cant take being alone and unremembered just, forever. this is my only night w somewhere to stay so. idk if i can be atound. i wanted to try and it was just worse. idk why im so. just gross? idk.

#ill queue up some shit just in case #i have ideas butbi just cant the minute i comr back id be nothing. and then you'll all get your hopes up and I'll die

[angellurgy]

serious squeakness

[angellurgy]

alright i got a room at a hostel until the 25th, thanks everyone. im sorry. as always. im sorry

[angellurgy]

im too far gone. everyones been getting mad at me or saying my posts are guilting but im just fucking. alone. alone. even with the help ive gotten, alone alone alone. fucking empty void in me where community or even just friends shouldve been. i think if i manage through this homelessness i will still be alone because near everyone i know is inclined to ignore or assume and hate

[angellurgy]

everyone just hates me for living anyway. the only people who fucking care at this point are people i dont know so, im kind of just fucking pathetic. god, theres fucking nothing for me here. no friends no partners no housing no nothing life is just empty and no one has any options to save me. hopeless even as i try to live. quickly ill be beaten back down the inch of hope i got and ill be gone again

[angellurgy]

#queue #'d for in a week when im gone #one last shitty poem #whatever. #someday. together. if only.

[angellurgy]

smoking my first ever cigarette for @bowserwife ^-^ U^w^U ♡

#queue #'d for tomorrow since im not gonna be here #yeah #ouppy #hope its fine that i tagged er. whatever

[angellurgy]

fuck. fuck ok ill fucking go, fine!!!! these spaces will be better without me anyway since clearly everyone i try to care abt thinks im so fucking expendable and gross.

#might as well just tell me to kms #hope theyre happy. genuinely. all i hope is that these ppl i try to care for are fucking happy when im gone at least. since i dont #-deserve a life evidently #have fun guys

[angellurgy]

thing is if literally any one of the friendly mutuals i wanna befriend who i dont talk to much fucking. took any time to show me that community doesnt have to hate me forever intrinsically id be fucking okay. but no, whatever i guess.

[angellurgy]

god fuck like all of you except the handful of people who actually said anything. how is this seen as irrational when its literally proven every fucking day how little anyone i want to care for cares for me. i fucking tried, so hard, but i got absolutely nothing. my life is naught and everyone would rather it be that way. all i am is a fucking skippable nuisance, pos fucking punching bag. screaming like a fucking child banging my hands against the gates why wont you love me why wont you love me why wont you love me. why wont you give me even a second's thought. what did i do to deserve this expulsive hell. at one point I might've been jealous, but now im just rotten. saddened by the fact that i will never be loveable, never receive compassion or friendship or anything that my peers do, all i have left is to throw a tantrum until anything changes, but its not, changing it would mean caring about this false child, changeling you must put down, and how could you care for something like that ig.

#no ones gonna fucking see shit. no ones gonna fucking care. none of u except like 3 actually wanna fucking do anything. and even then its #not even to me its just #fucking #why try fir nothing #you all just see me as a lost cause and want even take 2 seconds out of your day to admit it. no one even thinks of me. #time to open up the queue and disappear ig #if i even fucking can. the colds too much for me. soon. soon. fucking. god

[angellurgy]

changeling

[angellurgy]

I’m not popular on here or anything, I’m just a random follower so this probably doesn’t mean much from me, but you were one of the girls on here who inspired me to start trying to find community on here with others like me. I really do think you’re cool and beautiful, and I’m so sorry that you haven’t been given the love you deserve. You are lovable and valuable, and there are those in this world who will love you as you are, even if that feels impossible to believe right now.

im glad i could help you anon. i hope you do better in finding your community than i did, you deserve it. we all do. at least i mightve brought someone to something, even if im gonna die with nothing. x

#askies

[angellurgy]

necrophiles she will say i love you too, just keep the space warmer over her face a little longer. dont give up.

#cool

[angellurgy]

In 1988, ACT UP protested the FDA withholding HIV treatment due to requiring unethical double-blind studies of medication they already knew worked.

In 2024, trans activists protested promoters of an NHS-funded report requiring unethical double-blind studies of medication they already knew worked.

[angellurgy]

I'll never be worth living, whatever. even when ppl dont hate me i still never matter. ive lost sm extra from this time being depressed that every time i come back i have even less, lol. no one cares abt how that encourages it, though. no one cares about the trash. i was sposed to go to a dentist appt today to get my wisdom teeth out, but ill probably just not go, really force that no matter what i have to do this. the only way i will have any legacy is by gruesome or sad death. shouldnt even say this shit, but whatever, no one checks anyway. ill stay until my cigs get here today and smoke em in the forest while waiting to die. painful but easy, and ill get that first cigarette experience. whatever to the 3 mutuals who'll see this, and the many friends who'll never think a thing. shame i wasted money and time on tickets and hope, hope doesnt exist for people like me, who all of everyone hates. everytime ive come back on here ive just lost people and get like 10 extra transandro/terf anons, meanwhile none that i know pay mind. rotting rotting rotting. i cant wait for a life irl, rotting life wouldnt even be worth it. whatever. we'll see what even happens. doubt anyone will come around to do shit, and then people will just think im baiting and hate me while i die. just further forces me into one choice. i can pray to suffer but what does it do? feels good, but doesn't fix it. doesnt fix the empty grey, void of hope, no chance to be loved or to be anyone. nothing can fix that, evidently.

#weeeeee #last one. hopefully

[angellurgy]

:]

#AAAAAAAAAAAAA FUCKFUCKFUCK #CONDTANT UNENDING SILENT SCREAMING #NO WORDS BUT FORCED TO UNDERSTAND STILL UNESCAPABLE I CANT I CANT I CANT #ill never be anything ill never be anything ill never be anything at all to any of you #too fucking tired to go out of the house for so long no way to stop being tired its all wearing down on me like a fucking curse. too much #CANT CANT CANT take 10 more days of this waiting itll just go back to normal after #TRIED TO LIVE BUT WHAT IS THE POINT WHAT IS THERE EVEN FOR ME NO LOVE NO CARE NO IMPORTANCE NO PLACE #FADING MEMORY REMNANTS OF MY SOUL DRIPPING OUT OF MY HEAD LIKE A GUTTER. NO ONE WILL REMEMBER. EVEN I CANT. #AAAAAAAAAAA rotrotrotrotrotrotrotrotrot wish i just had a fucking dad to hold me wish i had a brother to show me the loving care noone will #please. llease. please. nothing left nothing left everyone wants me less with every single post but icant stop #cooped up inside. tumblrs knly good when you have a life outside of it. i cant fight it tho bc of this fucking EXHAUSTION #caused by the emotional pain and exclusion. eternal loop. let me.out #NOT LIKE IT MATTERS TO ANYONE BUT THE FEW WHO CANT HELP. THE FEW WHO CANT MAKE MY SITUATION BETTER. I JUST WANT A GROUP. #I KNOW COMMUNITY ISNT REAL BUT I FUCKING WANT SOMETHING. PLEASE #LET ME OUT. GIVE ME LIFE. INSTEAD OF THIS CONSTANT FUCKING VOID GROWING BLACK MOLD ON THE CREVICES OF MY SKULL #aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa nothing is giving me life right now i want sometbing i cant create anything i dont wanna die but i have no choice #FIGHT THROUGH THE TIREDNESS WALK INTO THE FOREST IN THE NIGHT AND ROT. #SLIT MY WRISTS EVEN THOUGH IT WONT DO SHIT. LAY ON A BLANKET AND LET THE COLD TAKE ME #WOULDNT BE THE FIRST TIME IVE BEEN CLOSE TO IT. LEAST I CAN GO ALL THE WAY. GOD WHY DO I TRY. I WANT TO TRY. I HAVE NOTHING TO TRY FOR. #NO OTHER CHOICE.