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my-castles-crumbling · 3 months

Note

Hello!!

I am so sorry 😭😭 I have a few things that I want to ask.

Let’s start with gender. I’ve been here a lot talking about my gender experience and how I feel somewhat connected to my agab being afab.

Personally, I hate when I am referred to as a girl/women. When my friends plan a ‘girls trip’ I get annoyed… when people assume I am a ‘young lady’ I get frustrated. I don’t get why I am like that specifically because it’s been as of recent (only about a year). Before that it never really annoyed it or maybe I just never thought much about the terms I was being referred to as.

Sometimes I feel as if I am faking my gender. Like I should just stop thinking about it and let myself be perceived as how I was born. But that feels wrong. But also doesn’t?

It feels wrong in the sense that I’ve spent a year thinking about gender and how I am not cis, that now I believe that I am not cis, but when I think about it again it’s like maybe I am just cis and I just want to show people that gender isn’t important and that people can dress how they want to without being perceived a specific binary gender etc.

In the past year I have felt comfortable thinking I was agender, but I still sometimes feel like I am just cis (minus the desire to want to chop off my tits 24/7).

That’s another thing. I only started feeling chest Dysphoria in the last 2 years. Before that I liked them… 😭😭 I hate saying that bc now they make me so angry and just the thought of them makes me feel sick.

This is me basically asking is if it is normal to doubt my gender or does it seem like I’m faking it.

Bc sometimes when I think about myself it’s as a girl and then when I think about it properly it’s like ‘ew why did I make my future self look like that’ bc I want to look visibly queer but my unconscious brain just perceives me as a girl.

Ok secondly, (I’m so sorry this might get really long) I’m questioning my sexuality?

I think it’s sexuality?

So I am bi. That’s a known fact. I’ve known that since 2021. But when I think about being in a relationship with someone it’s always so different to how other people perceive relationships. (I’ve never been in a relationship)

The thing is, I can’t imagine being intimate with anyone. Like it’s just weird. But I want it someday.

I read… a lot!! And I love reading all kinds of fluff that gets my stomach erupting with butterflies, I also love reading smut, it doesn’t make me feel grossed out or anything and I quite enjoy it.

It’s just when I picture myself with someone else it’s just like ‘nope, not for me’. BUT I DO WANT IT!!

Could this just be lack of relationship and experience or could I be on the ace spectrum.

I’ve looked at some of the terms and demisexual is kind of what I’m feeling but also not bc I do want to one day build a strong connection to someone and have a trusting relationship where I can express my love (ok yes that’s cringy to say but idk how else to word it).

I also have had crushes in the past but when I think about if I’d want to get to know them better it’s just a straight up ‘nope’ (that’s probably just my social anxiety tho)

and I’ve spoken to my sister about this relationship stuff and she is the same, like we both wouldn’t kiss someone after the first few dates and wouldn’t be thinking about anything further until there is a real bond.

Is this just lack of relationship? Am I just overthinking it too much?

Lastly, thank you so much Cas!! You are the most kind hearted person ever for always responding to my asks (yes I’ve asked a lot bc I crisis a lot) and honestly you’ve saved my life in so many different ways! I hope you have an amazing day/night!

🌼🌹🪻🌻🌸

(some flowers for you) xx

Hi! <3 I'm gonna answer this bit-by-bit

Hello!!

Hi!

I am so sorry 😭😭 I have a few things that I want to ask.

No sorries!

Let’s start with gender. I’ve been here a lot talking about my gender experience and how I feel somewhat connected to my agab being afab.

Sometimes I feel as if I am faking my gender. Like I should just stop thinking about it and let myself be perceived as how I was born. But that feels wrong. But also doesn’t?

You're not faking anything! These feelings are valid, and being your authentic self is important!

In the past year I have felt comfortable thinking I was agender, but I still sometimes feel like I am just cis (minus the desire to want to chop off my tits 24/7).

Have youuuuuu heard of genderfluid? Where your gender can kind of change depending on the day? What you're saying feels very genderfluid.

This is me basically asking is if it is normal to doubt my gender or does it seem like I’m faking it.

Absolutely it's normal! You are anonymously writing to me on the internet- you're not faking it. Truly, please look into genderfluid. I don't usually push someone towards one identity but yeah. What you're describing is very similar to how I feel, so I think it might be helpful.

I think this is something that a lot of people don't realize: when/if you transition in any way, it sometimes even takes YOU time to adjust. You've been conditioned your whole life to picture and refer to yourself a certain way. Old habits die hard. To me, it's not what's the first thing you think of, it's what feels the best?

Ok secondly, (I’m so sorry this might get really long) I’m questioning my sexuality?

I think it’s sexuality?

The thing is, I can’t imagine being intimate with anyone. Like it’s just weird. But I want it someday.

Hm. Why? Do you...want it because other people do? Because you want the closeness of being intimate with someone? Because you...(how do I ask this in a proper way)...feel you would enjoy it?

It’s just when I picture myself with someone else it’s just like ‘nope, not for me’. BUT I DO WANT IT!!

Could this just be lack of relationship and experience or could I be on the ace spectrum.

I think I a lot of people don't realize that being ace doesn't necessarily mean you're sex-repulsed. Many ace people have sex and still identify as ace. I think here, I'd encourage you to think more about WHAT exactly you feel when you read those things (I don't want to go into detail much incase you're underage).

Well...Only you can decide if you're demi. But I identify as demi, and I have those things!

I also have had crushes in the past but when I think about if I’d want to get to know them better it’s just a straight up ‘nope’ (that’s probably just my social anxiety tho)

Is this just lack of relationship? Am I just overthinking it too much?

Okay so I think this website could be helpful to you. I don't think you're overthinking at all, but I think it might be good to do some research on the ace spectrum. Like I said, being ace doesn't necessarily mean a person is sex-repulsed, so it could be that you do end up identifying as ace!

🌼🌹🪻🌻🌸

(some flowers for you) xx

Of course!!! Feel free to message me if you want more help! Thanks for the flowers!

#ask #asks #ask cas #queer #lgbtq #lgbtqia #lgbtq community #queer community

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sea-saur · 2 months

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gender rant under the cut

ok here's the thing i've been on t for a little over a year now and i had top surgery back in september of '22 so like i'm cooking right im a little guy in an incubator and my voice has changed for sure and my bottom growth is growing and im getting more hair in places etc etc so like things are happening right. but i'm also 5'2" and have a big ole ass and while my voice has changed it isn't changed enough to pass and while yes i have more body hair plenty of cis girls have more body hair than me and like basically i'm getting on and off dysphoria for not passing. i don't even WANT to pass as a cis man, i just want to NOT be read immediately as a girl. you know? and frankly i'm happy with the body hair and bottom growth and it'd be nice if my fat redistribution kicked in a little more but i'm comfortable with my weight etc etc like....frankly i think it's mostly the voice. the voice and the face. like if my face looked more boyish and my voice sounded more boyish i think the rest of my body would coast cause i've seen enough chubby guys of various shapes to not really feel that self conscious about my body. it's the face and voice that sell it.

and the other thing is like....i have this thing where it's like 'i don't pass as a boy therefore i'm not one' when i don't put that requirement on any other queer person but for ME living it mentally? it's hard to put together the 'i walk around and am read as a girl, and i was raised as a girl, and hell i frankly WAS a girl up until my 20's like that's a part of who i am and im not ashamed of that, i love child me she is important to who i am as a person and frankly i'm grateful to be trans in that way, i think growing up a girl can make me a better guy" (and yeah there's a lot of privilege to be able to say i love being trans, i'm in a large city and work in an industry where queerness is accepted and often celebrated so like. i know. i'm really very very lucky and im extremely grateful for that) but mentally, it's hard for me to even see myself as a transmasc person when i don't SEE it physically, AND because my insides are still me. like i'm still me. and i didn't grow up as feeling like a boy in a girls body. i'm still some kind of nonbinary, still very queer in general, like being bi puts an interesting spin on this too since i have never been and don't associate my personal self with lesbian spaces, or gay men spaces, i sort of float in any queer generalities that people are into. but yeah, never really clicked with lesbian specific environments. i love lesbians but im just not one.

BUT i was raised a girl, so i feel COMFORTABLE around women, often times more than men. queer people in general of any gender are number 1, but ya know. the gist is coming off of a gig the last month that was very queer coded in the musical we were doing, and being surrounded by queer women making lesbian jokes, i felt...simultaneously left out (no one was leaving me out, to be clear, i mean within my own personal identity crisis lol) and also too included. i don't know. a lot of it is in my head, people are often good about my pronouns and frankly i don't KNOW how my usual colleagues see me as a person, if they have to work harder to reframe their interpretation of me away from "girl" and into "transmasc person" since i worked with a number of them before i started medically transitioning. thankfully i always read as a queer person haha. i have that going for me, which does feel very affirming.

idk. even my own apartment decor gives me dysphoria sometimes, which drives me crazy!! i like my apartment decor! I keep trying to do little things to "masc" it up, neutralize it a little, even tho i love all the things i've put in my home. i need new curtains.

there's nothing more to do about it right now i guess, besides try and take more active steps toward my legal name change, and potentially switching from t gel to injections, but that scares me because i'm afraid of doing it wrong and hurting myself. the gel is safer that way. and the dose is daily so i think it gives are more consistent level throughout the week. i also don't know exactly how much i want to pass as "just some guy" even tho this entire rant is literally about that. i think that my fear is that i look cis/straight, which frankly idk that i ever even would based on how i am as a person, so idk why i'm worried about it. basically, i want to stop feeling like i'm 'pretending' to be transmasc. cause sometimes it feels like it's all a lie and im actually just a girl who doesn't want to be a girl but is stuck as one. especially since i don't want to be a cis guy either. i also don't want to lose my ties to my past - i don't connect with womanhood, but i don't want to lose the "sisterhood" for lack of a better term? But also really want to be part of the queer "brotherhood" that i feel like i can't be based on where i am as a person? idk i feel a lot of the time that when im in my own home, im just a little goosey guy. the second i leave my apartment and im percieved, i'm a masculine woman to the world. and even tho masculine women are the fucking shit, im just not that!! and so. dysphoria.

#transmasc #gender rant #it's really train of thought under there #basically a diary entry lol like i needed to get this out #like why do i still feel like a girl in my head!!#it drives me crazy!#fuck!

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transenbyconfessions · 2 years

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Can you be both genderfluid/bigender/nonbinary and be trans?

I bind my chest a LOT (tho sometimes I am ok not to, not like 'oh I absolutely love having tits' but okay, perfectly fine with the fact that I have them - this is kinda rare tho).

I don't really get bottom dysphoria, not as much as I do top dysphoria. I mean do I wish that I had the full body of a cis man yeah, like 90% of time but my chest is the part of the that I really wish I could just make disappear most of the time.

I don't know if I'll have top surgery, not for now anyway, when I think about i feel a lot of fear in terms of how my family will react and if I'll even have a family if I ever take that step, but I'm also filled with so much happiness and freedom just by thinking about it. (to the point of getting tears of joy in my eyes every single time the thought crosses my mind)

But

I know that I don't ever want to go on T, that one I don't think I'll want.

Most of the time I feel like swirl of both male and female (weird way to describe it, I know) that is like I would say 80% male and 20% female if I was to put in percentages. Other times when I don't feel like both genders, I just feel like a guy (a neutral and sometimes kinda feminine presenting one but a guy nonetheless).

I find such comfort and understanding in the label trans (even if I'm sacred to use it in the near future because of my family and not wanting to risk being thrown out and be homeless). I've lost count of the amount of times I've heard trans people speak on their experience with gender and dysphoria, and realizing that I know exactly what they're talking about because I've felt it too (still do).

Idk, I just, sometimes I wonder if trans is even the right word even if it's one that I've found understand and comfort in. Because my gender isn't always fixed, and because there are so many gender identities I find myself wondering if anything will ever feel 100% right for me or if I'm just going to go through life constantly questioning which gender identity truly describes me.

#trans #transgender #nonbinary #non binary #non-binary #nb #enby #genderfluid #bigender #transmasculine #transmasc #gender dysphoria #top dysphoria #chest dysphoria #dyshoria

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c0mbatchameleon · 13 days

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Just saw your reblog saying "please anonymously confess things in my inbox i want to read your secrets" so here I am sjdhhshs

I'm actually really lost about my identity + romantic and sexual orientation and because of how lost I am it's a thing I think about a lot (I hate being lost about my feelings but it happen more often than I would like to admit) and today I have just remembered that when I was young, like probably 7 or 8, I told my mother that if I was a boy my name would be Noa because of the Tinkerbell character and because I loved her mixte name and since I'm questioning myself about being something else than cis (idk I think I'm maybe genderfluid) it's now another piece in the puzzle I suppose (⁠╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠)

Hi babe!! First of all ty for ur secrets I will guard them with my life.

Ok but fr—u r very much not alone with this. Myself and manyyyyy queer ppl have experienced like the exact feelings ur describing in at least one point in our lives. It’s an inherently very confusing subject that I still don’t understand entirely!!!

The way I see it, labels are an attempt to neatly categorize something that is inherently fluid and abstract and organic and just generally uncategorizable to an extent. And they can be very helpful tools in understanding ourselves and our place in this weird world but they are also no end-all-be-all yk?? They’re just that—tools. And we can try something out and change it up and there’s absolutely no rush or commitment. I spent literal years flip flopping what I thought my sexuality was and now I’m very content with how I identify but part of that contentness comes from the understanding that i might still discover something new about myself in a year, or 10, or 30.

And even though I’ve been very settled on a label I also have still been exploring that label actually means to me and how it intersects with gender and everything. And with the way I’ve reframed it all in my mind, it’s no longer something scary but instead it’s like exciting? Like oh i didn’t know I felt this way! I get to explore that and learn more about myself!

Ik it sucks to feel so confused and when you try to focus in on it in your head maybe it only blurs and distorts even more and that’s frustrating af, but it’s not forever I promiseee. You can take the time you need to explore and try things out in whatever way is comfortable. There’s no right or wrong to it! No right way to identify or right route for self discovery.

Idk if any of that resonates but I wish u well on ur journey and my inbox/dms r always open xxxx

#mail

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transtenzin · 4 years

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ok umm deleted my first post like a minute after posting because i started panicking and had to type it out again because i didn’t save anything like the dumbass i am, but here it is again 😭

so anyways

nonbinary tenzin!!!

(i’ll be using they/them pronouns for tenzin in this)

katara and aang are trans as well. katara’s a trans girl, and aang’s not a boy or a girl and that’s all you need to know–even if that much 🙄 so it’s not like tenzin and their siblings grow up not knowing that’s a Thing, because they are both very open about gender, especially aang, who encourages them to Think Some Thoughts about gender.

and tenzin tries.

oh boy, do they try lmaoo

tenzin thinks about gender. they don’t really get it tbh. and not in a comedic “what even is gender” meme kind of way, but like. genuinely. but at this point they’re kind of too embarrassed to seriously ask. katara and sokka make gender sound simple and clean-cut, while aang makes it sound like some sort of vague, weird concept, and tenzin’s siblings just kinda took their own interpretations of these and ran with them.

like, okay, sure. tenzin is seen as a boy by the people in the around them. there are certain expectations and assumptions around this perception/what it means. they don’t necessarily like all of them–which is its own can of worms when deciding why–if that is because they simply don’t like these conceptions, or if they don’t like them because they aren’t a guy, but like… picking that apart sounds stressful and complicated.

tenzin hasn’t brought it up with anyone because it’s kind of an awkward and embarrassing thing to admit, but they Super Do Not Like how their voice has gotten deeper. after a while they have realized it is not just the voice cracking thing going on that they don’t like, but just like. in general. everything is okay until they open their mouth 🙃

it’s not like, Every Conversation, but sometimes when they’re talking to someone and it’s a bit quiet, listening to their own voice makes their stomach drop. like that’s really what they sound like. fantastic. 🙃🙃🙃 (/s)

they think about this some but like… not liking their voice doesn’t necessarily mean anything?

kya’s a trans lesbian, and when kya comes out to their family tenzin finally gathers the courage and asks her how she knew. kya admits that it wasn’t like a single sudden realization or a point in life where she just Knew like most people seem to think there is. there were a lot of things that factored into it, but one of the main things wasn’t really how she felt with being misgendered as a boy, but the comfort she took in knowing that there were other things she could be perceived as instead, and other things she could be.

that’s the first time that someone’s ever explained to tenzin their self discovery with that much understanding. it’s a lot better than bumi’s “idk. if you know you know, you know” + generally being annoying about it every time tenzin tries to have a serious conversation (bumi is agender and when they’re like “but how do you know what your gender is” he’s like “you think i would know? rip to you all with genders but i’m different 😌”)

so after this conversation with her, tenzin is just like…. 👁👄👁 omg okay…. that actually makes some sense.

that gets him thinking more, but this time in a more specific direction. they still don’t know anything for sure though. tenzin Suspects they are not Exactly a boy, but other than that??? anyone’s guess is as good as theirs lmao. they try to take comfort in know there are ‘other things’ they could be, but mostly it just ends up stressing them out.

after tenzin and pema are together, tenzin has been thinking about it even more, and wants to talk to pema about it. like. tenzin has decided that there is a large possibility that they are not a man, and choosing a specific label just sounds so… permanent. they haven’t talked to kya or bumi or anyone about THEIR gender, specifically, because like… what’re they going to say? “hey actually i don’t think i’m a guy” “then what are you?” “idk good question”???

but tenzin has been questioning for a while now (like. a while a while LOL), and they want to trust pema with this.

(EDIT: also time to mention pema is a trans woman. i forgot to mention this for some reason)

one day pema says something along the lines of “ur my husband” and tenzin takes the opportunity and kind of just laughs like… what if i’m not… jk…. unless…? 😳😳

it’s not exactly how tenzin wanted to approach the subject ofc. pema grows kind of concerned when they’re like “well… actually… i might not be” and needs to clarify they still very much are pema’s spouse, but like… not husband, specifically. but yes, spouse. maybe?

tenzin is embarrassed at first to admit this because they’re like 40 years old. they just had their first kid. are they not a bit old for this?? (the answer is no, there is no age limit to this sort of thing.)

pema is happy to know and tenzin is happy to have told her because even if they’re still figuring it out at least there is someone who kind of Knows that there is a Possibility They Are Not Cis. and pema’s kind of like… idk… if you’ve been thinking about this for that long then i think there is More than a possibility that you Aren’t Cis. to which tenzin makes sure to emphasize they are still not 100% certain about anything.

pema’s like okay that’s fine but like… you know that you don’t have to be 100% certain to try on a label? labels are not things that have to be permanent. if in a few weeks you are just 70% certain that you’re nonbinary, you’re allowed to say you’re nonbinary. if some time later you find another label you’re more confident in, you can change to that. you don’t have to be absolutely 100% all the time to try stuff out.

tenzin surprised pikachu face

okay so… logically, they’ve known this. other people they know have done this, including their siblings. but otherwise? for themself? it honestly hadn’t crossed their mind that they’re allowed to just. say that they feel like x is a term for them, and then change their mind later.

but as simple as pema makes it sound, tenzin kind of internally cringes at the thought of having to say ‘so i told you i was x gender but now i think i’m x”. isn’t it enough of a hassle to do that all once, but again? just because they weren’t sure the first time??? ughhh

what if they ditched the whole thing altogether? throw the entire suitcase out. who needs a label 😌😌 aang kind of didn’t either

tenzin starts using any pronouns (like aang did, but aang wanted pronouns to be alternated, while tenzin hasn’t necessarily specified that) by the start of lok, but only with their family and korra.

aang also didnt use a label to describe his gender, and tenzin has been trying to be okay with doing the same.

in lok, hearing pema ask “were tenzin and their siblings this crazy when they were kids?” makes them happier than they can express. it’s like there’s little exclamation marks just going off in their head. like yes!!! that is them!! them!!! Euphoria ™ 💓❤💕💞💗💖💝

and then katara’s reply with “not tenzin, she was always rather serious” and tenzin almost forgets that they have to tell korra that they can’t stay and train her because that also makes them elated, although not quite to the extent that pema using “their” did.

after that they’re still going by any pronouns, but they’ve decided they have a preference for they/them.

when they’re back at air temple island, pema asks about other aspects of gender expression. which like lol tenzin has also been avoiding that thanks 💖 they’ve just been presenting as expected by everyone else–keeping their beard, wearing their usual robes, etc. they’re just like “i’m fine as i am ig” which is true. they’ve thought about changing up their appearance but like lol. they are also on the council and tenzin doesn’t need anything else adding an extra layer of stress on those meetings when everyone already seems inclined to not listen to them. which is also why they haven’t told anyone else about using any pronouns.

when season 2 comes around tenzin is still not satisfied with just Not Labeling their gender, but now that they aren’t on the council anymore, they can think about it more.

it’s just… they spent a long time figuring out what gender was, how they felt about their own gender, and while at the time just leaving it alone seemed simpler, it didn’t make them any happier. it really bugs them, actually, lmao.

at this point they are certain they are not a man, and highly doubt they are a woman either. in fact, they’re still not sure if they have a gender like, at all, but they are very hesitant to put a word to it.

they’ve become used to being referred to as a mix of he/they/she/xe/etc. around their family, although their use of he/him has decreased significantly and they mainly use they/them, so when they hear the air acolytes in the southern air temple consistently refer to them as “he”, they sort of have to pause a minute, and then decide to finally say something.

they’re asked then abt their gender and tenzin’s just like… um actually i’m just not putting a label to it atm you know haha ❤

it goes over pretty well but telling other people that makes them realize how much they actually do want to label it, despite how aang used to talk about not needing a word just for others to perceive her gender, and how everyone keeps telling them “that’s valid!”, etc. etc.

the scene in the spirit world with tenzin’s spiritual enlightenment is also about tenzin realizing that they are also free to explore their gender the way THEY want to, not the way everyone else did. even kya’s answer to “how did u know u were trans” doesn’t necessarily have to apply to how they did.

tbh after that tenzin stops caring. and not in an “my gender doesn’t matter to me anymore” way but “it does matter but now i will stop worrying about trying to do gender the ‘right way’“.

afterward they decide they think they are nonbinary. it’s a label that makes them happy, and it does cover what they’ve determined their gender might be. nonbinary is a broad term, and while they’re still not sure of the specifics, that’s okay. if they later discover they’re something else, that’s also okay. they can tell people they are nonbinary, and it’s fine if they have to tell them something different later. it’s not a hassle if it makes them feel happy being out.

tenzin’s family can still use any pronouns for them, but now everyone else is using only they/them for them.

tenzin’s okay with being called a husband/father/etc when coming from their family despite their initial talk with pema because they trust that they Get It and know that it’s not in a Cis Way, you know???

tenzin keeps their beard (unfortunately) and keeps shaving their head and stuff but they occasionally wear dresses with long swishy skirts and the euphoria!!!!! 😭😭 they love the cloak swishing you KNOW they’d love long swishy skirts too

this is actually the happiest tenzin can remember being with their gender and stuff. people are using they/any pronouns for them, they are wearing whatever they want, they are nonbinary, AND people know!!!

also time to mention jinora is transfem nonbinary, and she’s a bit nervous about shaving her head at first to get her tattoos. tenzin reassures jinora that her hair will grow back AND she will have her tattoos, which she’s wanted and has welllll since earned. they have a parent/daughter bonding moment over her distress about finally having grown her hair out as long as it was only to shave it all off.

and tenzin understands that her nervousness doesn’t mean she doesn’t want them–she asked tenzin about getting them way before that. they are hugely significant to her identity, too, just as they are to theirs. tenzin gets it, and keeps going out of their way to give jinora compliments and use her pronouns in front of her while her hair is still growing back.

and ingores that jinora does the same for them for a little while after they tell her they’re nonbinary. no they’re not crying over how sweet their daughter is you are 😭

tenzin is pretty much freely expressing their gender however they want and living their best life now 😌

nonbinary tenzin… ❤❤ we love to see it

also additional headcanons for other characters that didn’t make it in:

sokka is nonbinary and uses ne/nim pronouns

kai is transmasc nonbianry (he/him)

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darlington-v · 3 years

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Bro yeah... the transmasc friendship longing... its like yeah... I feel like its the youth vibes I should have had... and like, I look back on stuff I used to watch and how I felt about people around me... and like... the same wish and envy has always been there. Which like makes me feel a bit better cause its not JUST beeduo to give me the feelings...

Yeah... I just wanna be a bro who hangs with my bros...

You can like ignore this if you want, it just more of me being /same...

OK SO THIS HAS BEEN SITTING IN MY INBOX FOR A HOT MINUTE BUT YEAH

U GET IT ANON.

and yeah same i had the same reaction to like sasuke and naruto as like uhh genins, and theyre like Anime Bitches

and then i've had the same reaction to eddie n richie from IT in the 2017 film so like

i know it's not JUST beeduo but damn i still get sad when i watch them sometimes lmfao

but it's alright i mean something that can bring me comfort is like!! honestly??? fiction exists for a reason, and you can totally just.... explore things you may miss out on THROUGH fiction. and that's like a comfort. like sometimes things aren't ideal because of the cards we're dealt and that's okay! bc idk sometimes the missing cards meant more experiences that make me, me.

i was thinking about this in the car about like how. i think to myself sometimes like wow i wish i had the childhood a cis gay man would have had because i know?? a lot of like.... things ive missed out on childhood are important to me and i wish i had those experiences sometimes.

BUT ALSO??? IF I WAS A CIS GAY MAN IDK. IDK IM GLAD IM A TRANSMASC NONBINARY PERSON DUDE. like cis men are great and wonderful and i genuinely love them!! but im glad i have.... the experience of being raised "female" so to speak. like maybe i didn't have like???? the experiences i sometimes may YEARN- this is so far unrelated to bee duo bc im getting into like being a queer cis boy, and like??? idk if they're queer! maybe! it's not my business and it's not anyones but im not putting any type of labels on these guys bc its not my job nor my business like i said

BUT. BEE DUO R SLIGHTLY RELATED TO ME GOING AWW MAN WISH I WAS A CIS BOY WHO WAS KINDA FRUITY W/ MY HOMIES SOMETIMES

BUT ANYWAYS.

I MAY YEARN FOR THAT SOMETIMES but also if i was cis i think i'd not be as privy to somethings i am now? like idk! like, the male experience is vastly different from the female experience, and [this is applicable to childhood largely as our society functions on a binary in terms of gender, and only recently has it become more often that parents may raise their kids aware of gender and shit like that.] so i'm not talking about adulthood being confined to a binary, but our childhoods (at least in the US) mostly are. like typically by adulthood if you're queer you have an idea or you know and you have the freedom to explore that and experiment with it. like thats not to say by adulthood the female and male experience are the same either, it's just to say usually by adulthood it's not just a narrow binary. like maybe??? in childhood it can be more broad be depending on how you were raised, but most people are raised... with a binary.

ANYWAYS. THEYRE BOTH DIFFERENT EXPERIENCES. AND THOUGH I MAY LAMENT ON THINGS I'VE MISSED, I THINK THE EXPERIENCES I HAVE NOW HAVE CONTRIBUTED TO WHO I AM TODAY, AND OVERALL, I LIKE WHO I AM TODAY. especially MUCH more than like. how much i'd be willing to SACRIFICE that for like... a cis boy experience.

like i wouldnt be able to, obviously, but with that knowledge i don't have to lament it all the time. especially when, like i said, i can just... explore that experience in fiction. and if you really wanted to like, you could definitely RP something similar with your friends! because its a fun and cool way to explore shit in fiction!

RP and fiction is cool, it can be a healthy tool for people who have been robbed of experiences or simply have missed experiences and lament that to explore.... said experience.

TLDR;

YEAH ME TOO, BUT A PIECE OF COMFORT I HAVE IS THAT EVEN THO I CANT HAVE THOSE EXPERIENCES, THE EXPERIENCES I HAVE NOW HAVE MADE ME WHO I AM TODAY AND I CAN ALWAYS JUST. WRITE SOME FICTION OR RP SOME OF THOSE EXPERIENCES IF I RLY WANTED TO

#asks #anon #vent cw #i guess its really not #im kind of just being open with my experience with gender #but it is personal #prince is a fahjay #there we go #now i have a tag about being gay #long post #personal #theres another tag for other personal shit i guess #trans achilleans getting sent into queer crises by bee duo squad

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ghostofcitrus · 3 years

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more gender crisis bc i need somewhere to document this shit and also if u wanna read and say smth that’s cool too 🥺 fair warning it’s kinda longgg. but there’s a tl;dr and i tried to make the paragraphs short so it’s easy to read and i sorted the thoughts by paragraphs

ok so when i see a girl or group of girls or smth i, for the most part, am like yeah same. i have the same lived experience and like yeah u look cool and i relate in a lot of ways.

but like i also feel the same w non-binary ppl. i see agender ppl and i’m like oh nice that sounds like how i want to live MY life!! i get jelous. i saw a gender ambiguous person the other day and i thouvht i was going to lose my mind i was like AKSJSHJSJSNS Y O U. I WANT TO BE YOU. i talked to them i was like 😭😭i love your hair😭😭 and it was so compelling just seeing them i got my hair cut later that week. i like it.

and i cut my hair and i’m like y e s. and i’ve always wanted a very small/flat chest and have planned on getting a breast reduction (meaning i want basically no tits. i’m like a DDD rn. and i’m short and have a baby face so that’s like. very noticeable. pain.) ASAP. but i like dress and being seen as a girl? but i also want to be non binary, but it feels like something im striving for. i don’t feel like i’m there. i feel like i WANT to be there but i just keep hitting roadblocks.

when i think about OTHER girls, i’m like yeah. i relate to that. but when i think about myself. fully isolated. i want to present like a feminine agender person. i am connected to my girlhood. girl, sister, girlfriend, daughter... all of them accurately describe me. but i also like person, sibling, partner, child.

i like femininity. i like being seen like that. and being seen as a girl is cool and fine. but i don’t feel like it accurately describes all of me. but i’m like scared??

i want to be a “girl” in the way that when u look at me ur like ... is that a girl? my face i like lmao. it’s round and feminine. cool lol. my body.... i wish with like all my heart i woke up one day w/o titties or major curves. but i’ve literally work so hard to accept and like myself in my body. YEARS of forcing myself to look in the mirror and compliment myself. deconstructing fatphobia was a big part of it. but in my head. with no mirrors around. i think of myself as less curvy. a small fame, but not really curvy. much more neutral features. i forget what i actually look like. but when i do look in the mirror now i’m like she’s pretty. i like how she looks. nice. but it doesn’t really feel like me. but i feel cool. it’s like nice makeup that’s someone else chose for u and never comes off. like yes. that’s nice. but... it’s not like “me”. i feel like that about most of my features. but i’ve grown up in them. i don’t hate them. i think they look pretty and i feel confident enough like this. and after all the work i’ve done to get to this mindset... it’s just not what i want.

i think part of what’s messing with me is i’m automatically more comfortable with other girls/afabs, like we just share experiences and i can generally understand how they socialize. guys like,.. not so much. but most of my actual friends have ended up being guys. but im naturally wary of guys. and most around me end up being fucking republicans anyways. and another part of what’s getting to me is when i’m going about my life, i enjoy being stereotypically feminine. like i like to be taken care of, feel small , that bs. maybe it’s internalized misogyny that i feel like the only way i can be that is as a girl.

i also think i just have no idea what it would really feel like to go about the world non-binary. like i just want to keep blending into the background. i don’t want to be that noticeably different, i’m already autistic.

i think it’s also weird bc since middle school have been having periodic gender crisises but they always end in me just getting embarrassed, finding transmeds on the internet and also getting embarresed, not wanting to stop being feminine, or deciding it’s just not worth it.

and i think another thing is, i’ve always felt more connected to girls, but always on the outskirts of that, but that might just be because i’m autistic. but like i’m feminine in the sense that i like dresses. and being taken care of that and that shit. girls tend to really fucking irk me a lot of the times. i don’t really feel “connected” to them, more like “stuck” with them but making the best of it. some are pretty cool :) tbh it’s mostly just other autistic or queer girls i vibe with. other than that.. i struggle a lot to feel connected.

speaking of being autistic.... i’m realizing a lot of what i’m feeling is similar to how i felt when i first started to consider that i was autistic. when i was alone or in a space i was totally comfy in, i felt very confident that i was autistic. but when i was around people, i was like no i’m definitely not. and even now. i know i mask whenever i’m not alone. but i’m literally so fucking used to it it’s not hard at all. it hardly feels like a mask. just a different version of me. not the most authentic, but it’s how i operate around others. so whatever. not what i like per say. but in most cases, i can deal with it and still be perfectly happy (ish). this is exactly how i feel about all of this gender shit.

but i think part of my hesitancy to identify like this is i’ve never met ppl irl who identify as non-binary. that wouldn’t be a group for me to find and relate to and be comfortable with, i’d just be the different one. and i’m already different. and people don’t really get neopronouns and that shit.

ok and i’m anxious about my boyfriend as well. he’s a straight guy, idk how he’d feel about me being non binary. but i don’t want to sacrifice our relationship, so it’d be fine, because i also like my name and pronouns now. i like the shortened version of my name better tbh but i think my name sounds cool. mostly because saying it is a vocal stim for me, same with my partners name fore some reason. i just think they’re good names. they feel good to hear and say. and i’ve always been described that way and i’m like yeah that’s me.

i like dresses. feminine clothes? yes pleaseee. i like how girl are generally the ones who get taken care of. i like feeling small and dainty. i like being silly and cute. but like ... silly and cute arent like “girl things”?? but idk.

but i like “girl”. not “ladies” or “woman”. that feels too much like “female” and the only time i feel like i relate to that at all is in very specific situations. i’m feminine. i like that. i wish i could be feminine in an androgynous way tho????????

TL;DR: closing thoughts. if i were the only person on earth and i could do whatever i wanted like magically. i would change my appearance to look like my picrew... but like for an ex think Crona from Soul Eater of Ed from Cowboy Bebop. both of them are androgynous but when i see both of them i’m like they’re kinda feminine too! like that’s what i want to look like. i’d probably go by Citrus and neopronouns and maybe she/her (they’re fine but i feel like i’m lying about being non binary when i use them). ya know. how i want to be. but in reality. i am scared of that. it sounds like a lot of work and a big change that i could probably never really achieve. i also hate change. and constantly explaining shit.

also do cis people PINE over this shit the way i am? i’ve done this multiple times for years. not consistently bc tbh i have other shit i need to spend energy on but when i’m not pouring energy into somewhere else i tend to circle back to this. maybe that’s a sign that i’m right.

#my post #citrus speaks #citrus gender crisis #long post #questioning demigirl #demigirl #nonbinary #questioning gender #gender questioning #terfs and transmeds literally do not even look in this posts direction #anyways. when i realized this is how i felt when i was realizing i was autistic shit kinda starting clicking and feeling more valid

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qualidude · 3 years

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Hi!! I was wondering if I could talk to you abt something bc i sometimes see ppl reaching out to you but it's ok if you don't want to or if something I say is wrong or inappropriate just ignore it. but like i always had some issues w/ my body bc im afab but some older ppl in my family usually say I don't have big enough breasts or say the way I dress and am isn't very feminine and even though I think I always rejected things that are perceived as too feminine I still internalized a lot of feeling wrong about my body/ the way i am and then when I was a teen I realized I was a lesbian and i thought "oh that's it, there's that". But since then (I'm 23 now) ive been learning and realizing stuff about gender and how i feel about everything and i started feeling like i don't wanna really get put in this woman box my family taught me and "everyone" expects but im not uncomfortable with my pronouns and i also had a moment when a person questioned me about transitioning unprompted and i felt uncomfortable bc i don't wanna be perceived as a guy. And here on tumblr I learned about non binarity and stuff which makes sense to me bc i started looking at myself and instead of going like "ok I'm a woman" i just try to see myself for myself and it makes so much more sense? but i also feel somewhat wrong like I'm being disrespectful or lying bc i actually prefer using she/her and i don't really wanna ~come out to most the ppl in my life about this. And i don't care being called a girl or a boy (in my first language most words are gendered so I don't care too if someone refers to me with a masculine gendered word, depending on the tone and who says it I guess). And also i realized I don't wanna reject all feminine stuff I just don't wanna be viewed as a woman conforming to what is expected. But yea I feel wrong bc it's all more about how i wanna look like and be perceived I guess (?) Like i wanna be androgynous looking or dress like it or have like a aura idk and also i feel much more comfortable viewing myself, as I said earlier, me just like me not trying to fit the expectations of gender binarity. I guess I'm sending this ask bc i don't know who to talk to and express these feelings and also bc idk if this is a big deal or if I'm wrong in anyway bc i feel kinda like im an imposter or something and I'm resisting talk to ppl close to me about it bc of it too like i only talked to two ppl but really superficially(?) Idk and I'm sorry too if this is confusing! If this ask is ok and idk you could give me advice or some input or anything that could help and i could come off anon for it to be private I would really like it. (I'm sending this in anon bc im somewhat scared jsjsja) but again if this is too much or inappropriate I'm really sorry

sorry this took me so long to get around to answering! I’ve been mostly offline the past few days 💖

I want to start by saying you are absolutely valid in your feelings about gender and it doesn’t make you any less non-binary to prefer she/her pronouns for yourself. Gender is a very individual experience and no two people feel exactly the same! ♥️ You don’t have to change anything about your body or appearance to be trans. The only thing that makes someone trans is that they experience their assigned gender differently from cis people in that same group.

It is also totally valid for you to not want to come out to people in your life for any reason, be that safety or just for your own comfort. I still have not come out to my family, not because I’m necessarily scared of their reaction as much as they haven’t really shown me that they are deserving of that conversation because of how much emotional work I would have to do to help them understand me. Instead, I’ve been surrounding myself with people who do understand me and see me for who I am already.

My best advice to you would be to keep talking to the people you’re comfortable talking to, and to approach others in your life at your own pace and comfort. It’s okay if you never end up telling them! You might find yourself getting closer to the people you can talk about it with, and drifting away from the other people in your life, and that’s totally okay too! I have replaced many friends over the years who weren’t able to get on my level

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alagaisia · 4 years

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Ok I have some thoughts on gender that I’ve been mixing around for a little while and I’d like some input maybe?

Also that this is most likely going to end up being like, every thought I’ve ever had about my gender, and they won’t all fit together nicely and it will not be super cohesive or well organized so if you’re going to read this, prepare yourself for that, I guess. Sorry.

Okay so. Here goes. I was assigned female at birth. I’m mostly pretty comfortable with my body- I recently had a breast reduction, partly (entirely, if you’re the insurance company) to help with my back pain, but partly (unless you’re the insurance company) because I was uncomfortable with the size of my chest for a number of reasons, including just the way it looked and felt? I don’t know if that’s a gender thing, or if that’s because I’m asexual and had to do with like what my chest represented in that sense. I don’t think it was entirely ‘other people might think X’, though, just because I’ve been lucky enough not to have had many experiences with people objectifying me or anything like that in that way. So some of it was internal. I’m not super a big fan of genitalia in general because of the whole asexuality situation so I think that’s not like, any kind of dysphoria thing really, but it is A Thing

I’m a pretty feminine person, in the way I dress and wear makeup and the interests I have and also in the way I conduct myself, in that like ‘women apologize a lot’ and like how being like empathetic and experiencing emotions and stuff is seen as a more feminine trait than a masculine one. I’ve only ever used she/her pronouns, and I’m comfortable with those and with generally being perceived as like, a female person. I wouldn’t be comfortable with he/him pronouns. I’m not sure about they/them, I’ve never tried it, and I think the idea appeals to me? But I don’t have like, a strong feeling about it and like I said I’ve never had any issue with using she/her.

When I was a kid for a while I had like sort of a mild fascination with the archetype of like, feminine guys, like the long hair and the eyeliner and the like, long layers for clothing, with cool boots type- I always sort of associate this aesthetic with the book Thief Lord? Although I have no idea if it’s actually present or that’s just how I imagined it. But I think I’ve worked out that none of that was because I wanted to in any way be a dude (because like... gross? Not men, the idea of me being one) but because their femininity was very clearly A Choice, and I think I want(ed) my femininity to be seen as something I’m doing on purpose. Like rather than just, being completely unremarkable because it’s my default state ~as a woman~. I want(ed) my femininity to also be recognized as a choice I was making. (I know socialization and all of that is obviously a factor and it’s entirely possible I grew to enjoy femininity because of the societal expectation that they’re things I would be doing and all of that, it’s just not the point right now.)

I guess I just don’t know, like, if I *feel* like a woman??? Like, I don’t know what that means, I guess. It can’t be all the feminine stuff I do, because plenty of women don’t present and behave in those ways, obviously, so I don’t know. I’m also not super comfortable with like, identifying myself as a woman??? In a weird way??? Like in very specific circumstances. Like, if I’m in like a sociology class discussion making some point and I say something along the lines of “in my experience as a woman,” like, that feels right. Because I have the experiences that (cis, white, etc.) women experience. But I also think that maybe that’s coming from an external place. Like maybe what I really mean is, ‘in my experience with being seen as and raised as a woman’.

Because in the less common (but weirdly not that infrequent?) situation where someone asks a question about my identity that has to be answered with “I am a woman”, full stop, without any “and that’s relevant because x” or “which means I experience y”, but simply “this is how I identify and feel about myself INTERNALLY”, I like, am very uncomfortable doing that. Like it’s just not a word that I feel super comfortable using or being applied to me in that sense?

In high school I realized this, but was just like, oh, it’s because I’m 16, obviously I’m not a woman, I’m a teenager, women are adults and I am a child and that’s why I’m uncomfortable, but like I’m a senior in college now and while I don’t necessarily feel like, ready in a lot of ways to move into the Being A Grown Up stage of my life, I am inarguably a more mature and developed person than 16 year old me, and yet I don’t feel like I’m any more comfortable with the idea of Being A Woman.

I think maybe ultimately it doesn’t matter? Since I’m completely comfortable with all of the external things, with my presentation matching my assigned gender and being perceived as female and using she/her pronouns and being a sister and a daughter and with the fact that my experiences have been primarily shaped by moving through the world as a woman. But like idk it would be nice I guess to resolve the internal shit a little bit?

I don’t think I’m non-binary exactly, definitely not in the way that means ‘I don’t feel like a woman because I feel like a different gender entirely’. But I saw a post the other day that mentioned being agender, which is not one I’d ever specifically considered, and that sort of got me thinking about the gender stuff again, and I don’t know. I don’t think it would change anything really in how I like, live my life, but idk it would be nice to know if like I have all this weird internal shit with my gender just because I still secretly feel too young to call myself a woman, or if I really am agender or something. Idk. It would just be nice to figure out.

Would love input, if anyone has it, while I go down another internet rabbit hole of doing like the stereotypical queer teenager thing of googling ‘how do I know if I’m x’ and reading a thousand yahoo answers

I guess particularly if anyone has read this far and is trans or gnc or non-binary or agender or anything. and has successfully done the soul searching about your gender and come out on the other side, like, does this make sense at all? Should I look into this more, does it sound like anything in particular to you, or am I just like. Over thinking it. I know that like, telling people what they are or what labels they should use isn’t the done thing, but like, honestly I think I need an outside perspective

#mine #personal #goodness gracious I don’t think I’ve ever written this all down together before #it was weird to do #I don’t really actually know how I feel about putting this out there because I don’t really feel like it’s something I’ve talked about #like it mostly just lives in my head and pops up once in a while as a little thought and then I don’t think about it for a few weeks or w/e #definitely not going to reread it before posting because like then I might lose my nerve #and I do really want advice on this if anyone has it #like I know crowdsourcing you’re identity is not the way to go but like idk I feel like I need an outside perspective on it #seriously if you have an opinion please feel free to diagnose me with a gender #take a guess #tell me I’m being ridiculous #I will not be offended I promise I just want answers and apparently refuse to provide them to myself #gender #gender identity #questioning #nonbinary #agender #ugh I promise I’m not doing this because I’m like a cis girl who wants attention for being ~quirky~#I mean I might be a cis girl #I’m just like I’m not doing it for attention or to be special or whatever #it’s just something I think about sometimes #like in another time or whatever I think I could very easily have gone my whole life without thinking about it #(which isn’t at all true of my asexuality)#but then it was like oh well gender is a social construct and what does that mean #and huh some people feel like a gender? what does it feel like to feel like a gender?#I know what genders I *dont* feel like #but #idk #anyway

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lacehydrangeas · 4 years

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edit: UMMMM just realized this never posted and instead went into my drafts. oops.

tagged by @glubbity (kinda) i’ve never done one of these and i thought it would be fun :o)

[instructions: tag ten followers you’d like to get to know better.] if u want to do this consider urself tagged...

gender: female! im cis but i dont mind they/them pronouns. i think gender IS something i need to put more thought into, but for now im comfortable presenting/being seen as a girl

star sign: im a scorpio babey!!! and if you have known me for more than 5 minutes its obvious. i like to think im a posterchild scorpio. my birthday is october 30, 2003, which i think is a very very good day to be born seeing as halloween is my favorite holiday and fall is my favorite season! im pretty excited to be turning 17 this year

height: 5′3 or 5′4 :o/ i wish i was taller SO bad. its been my dream since childhood to be like 6 foot... unfourtantly i think i might be done growing... my curse

sexuality: lesbian! i like girls very much. i used to identify as bi for most of middle school and then after kissing a dude and it making me sick to my stomach so i had a Realization freshman year. i think one of the sillier things that made me realize i was probably a lesbian is that i never felt comfortable doing one of the alignment charts... i would skip over them because something about saying “bisexual” didnt sit right

hogwarts house: i hate this question so fucking much. according to the official harry potter website i am a gryffindor but childhood me was crushed by that so i self-identify as a slytherin

favorite animal: CHINCHILLAS!!!!! i love chinchillas so fucking much... every time we had an animal project in middle school i would do mine on ‘chillas. did you know those guys fur is so thick they literally can’t get in water or they grow mold? thats why they do ash baths! while humans have one hair per follicle chinchillas have 50+ and fleas cant live on them because they would suffocate in the fur! thats why chinchillas r so soft... like little clouds. my second favorite animal would have to be rabbits... love them

average hours of sleep: when school was in session i would go to bed at like 10 and then wake up around 5, but now i go to bed at like 12 and wake up at like 8. so i usually get around 8 hours

current time: 11:13 am! im a California baby

dogs or cats?: god i love both so much but dogs win... both me and my mom r allergic to cats so i’ve never been able to have one but ive had lots of doggies! tigger, jasper, bailey, rosebud, pupcake...and a lot of my relatives have dogs! cats r very cute and sweet though and i love my neighbors cat even though cuddling her gives me hives

number of blankets you sleep with?: when its cold i sleep with two blankets and sometimes my comforter, and when its warm (like rn) i sleep with my thinnest blanket and my air conditioner on high. i can NOT sleep without a blanket and it needs to be cold. i always sleep the worse during summer

dream job?: i want to be a therapist... i want to be able to help people and psychology is so so so interesting to me. other careers i think would be fun: working at a zoo, professional scuba diver, working at one of those museums/activity centers where kids always go for field trips. you know the ones

when i created this blog: i think sometime in 7th grade? so like in 2017 i think? idk math. my first username was “just-a-tired-nerd” which i think is awful

follower count: 134!

why i created this blog: i thought that tumblr was THE place for gay people to go and i wanted to be around fellow homosexuals. also a friend had a tumblr and told me to make one

how i came up with my url: im so bad at usernames so its honestly kinda embarrassing trying to explain it LOL. i wanted a very ~aesthetic~ name (my previous user was aestheticallyjaded) and hydrangeas r my favorite flower! so i thought “ok whats pretty and feminine and also doesnt sound stupid?” and my brain went Lace! very recently i found out that lacecap hydrangeas r a type of hydrangea so i guess it all worked out in the end!

what do you love about yourself? (can’t be something you do for others): i love how true to myself i am! sometimes its a fault but ive always been very open about myself and my feelings. even if it makes me seem weird ive always acted and presented myself how i want to. when i create something (art/writing) i stay true to myself an express what i want to express. shoutout to all my old teachers who had to sit thru my short stories about lesbians xoxo

what kept you going through middle school? if it wasn’t hard, what was it like?: oh god middle school sucked so fucking bad. it was a really weird time of self discovery and absolute misery lol. i remember so many people whispering about me and talking behind my back because i was very open about being gay and it was when i first started getting really depressed. the only thing that really kept me going was art and nice teachers. ive always been a bit of a “teachers pet” so my teachers always liked me and treated me nicely. being able to have that kind of support and leeway really helped.

#aestheticchatter #this was fun... i like talking about myself

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oscar-mildes · 4 years

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elvira you know I always see what you're hiding in the tags,, I will always read it if you answer all of them abhsjdbs

nev you asked for this and im going to go thru with it bc im an oversharing idiot like oh you asked me how’s the weather i will tell you about all my trauma instead :D

What do you identify as and what are your pronouns? i’m cis yo i’m she/her. i’m biromantic ace. thats the label i would put on it i guess. i really just refer to myself as gay bc i like pretty boys who look like girls and pretty girls and pretty nb and queer people and basically i just like pretty people ajsfbjf

How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story? theres no story to it. no epiphany or realization. i just always was ok with thinking that girls were pretty and that gay people are cool and it wasnt until recent years that i was like oH SHIT AM I GAY

Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it? no i guess bc i’m a girl and id as a girl and have a very obvious girl body

Who was the first person you told, how did they react? i guess my best friend. we’re both very ok with gay shit and we just always made comments about pretty girls and now we’re both pretty gay. i like my big tiddie anime girls and she likes her pretty kpop girl bands

Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel? i’ve only “come out” to some of my friends. i would NEVER in my LIFE even imagine telling my mom i like girls. shes homophobic Like That

If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react? uhh see above. my mom, stepdad, family members are all homophobic. hispanics in general are Like That rip. i think my dad would be the most ok with it but he lives in mexico and i dont talk to him often anyway. doesnt matter

What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality? i hate when people ask me about the ace part. like they have a bigger problem about my not wanting to have sex over the liking girls part tbh. sometimes it’s difficult for me to even describe where i am on the ace spectrum. it’s honestly the more difficult part

Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear. basic nerd. you know those fics like “she dressed in a black t-shirt, skinny jeans, and all star converse” yea that she is me

Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships? ajkfj this is a good question and canon wise i love Ash and Eiji from Banana Fish, Uenoyama and Mafuyu from Given, Nezumi and Shion from No. 6, and Simon and Baz from Carry On. Not canon i love Kurama and Hiei from Yu Yu Hakusho, Izuku and Todoroki from My Hero Academia, and Inosuke and Tanjiro from Demon Slayer. Note how most of them are anime i

What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any? i dont really wear any bc im lazy. if you like it you do you but idrc for it? except for lipstick i LOVE lipstick i have all the colors. i wear it so it distracts people from the rest of my face

Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you? ...no

What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community? i live in the south so ive heard tons of shit talk about gay people. i dont really have any that stand out. my mom just likes to say that we’re going to hell :D so let’s give em a show ay

What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community? i guess i like how we find solidarity in each other just bc we’re not straight. most of the lgbt+ folks i know are pretty chill about everything

What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community? terfs but they dont count

Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not? i live in a small town and i could never sneak out of my house for that bc i still live with my mom so no

Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity? theres so many big celebrities now that id as lgbt+ but im going old school and loving my man, my tumblr url namesake mr Oscar Wilde. my man got put in jail for sodomy

Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet? lmao never bc im mean, ugly, and terrible at talking to people irl. i had a bf in middle school? but bc i was 12 i dont count it

What is your favourite lgbt+ book? Carry On and the sequel Wayward Son. (very anxiously waiting for book 3 Anyway the Wind Blows come on Rainbow Rowell)

Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened? for being gay? no. bc im not really out. ive faced discrimination for being a brown woman tho :)))

Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show? yall i love gay anime: Given, Banana Fish, No. 6, Yuri on Ice yeee. i dont really watch tv with real people but i think that Brooklyn 99 does a very good job with Holt and Rosa yall im love Rosa

Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers? theres bloggers??? um idk i love u nev so you count right @why-do-you-pick-flowers

Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim? for a while everyone was mad as hell about “im gay for ___” and idk im gay for everything so thats a “slur” i use for myself

Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it? ive never gone omg i’d probably be intimidated as hell like i have a lot of problems just existing so to be existing around very flamboyant and extravagant people like that makes me break into a nervous sweat

How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you? ive always felt like a girl even tho my mom always said “oh you like boy things??? you should have been born a boy” but like, your likes and dislike dont determine your gender. i like “boy” things and “dress like a boy” but i dont FEEL like a boy. ive never had any desire to become a boy or id as a boy. gender is a social construct fuck society

Are you interested in having children? Why or why not? i have a very complicated relationship with children. babies are ugly and toddlers are annoying but i feel like if i had children i would love them obviously because theyre mine. this is gonna be a weird analogy but like i dislike cats. BUT i have cats. and i love the fuck outta them. so i feel like thatd be me with kids. but im ace so like.... who would even have kids with me. i could not. pregnancy seems like a hassle and adoption is... i have thoughts on that but thats for a different post. also i can see myself being married and not having children OR having kids without a spouse. theres just something complicated about having both??? maybe im just fucked in the head idk bro

What identity advice would you give your younger self? you dont hate girls you like them, dumbass

What do you think of gender roles in relationships? fuck gender roles. get pegged, bros. i also have a very specific dynamic if i ever got into a relationship (which you know. wont happen) but like if i dated a guy i feel like i’d be very top. a MAN telling ME what to do??? fuck that. but if i dated a pretty girl??? top me pls

Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender? i think ive already said too much oh god someone is gonna look at this and be like what the FUCK but like lmao dont be afraid to ask me i apparently have no shame

What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+? it’s scary at first because you think “im not normal” but like pray tell me what is normal. do what makes you happy. fuck society

Why are proud to be lgbt+? i’m comfortable with the people i like. i might not be very confident and i have depression, anxiety, self esteem issues, probs adhd or ocd idfk but at least i know if i see a pretty girl or smth im gonna be like wow that girl is pretty and have no bad thoughts about it. it’s just how it be. after a lot of dissecting my past behavior, ive always been this way. you cant change who you are. just accept it

#asks #nev you asked for this #oversharing??? me??? never #lgbt stuff #im gay yall

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calm-me-down-oh · 4 years

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How about all the questions ;)

skdsjf ofc u would get me back for that, under a readmore bc theres a lot!

When was the last time you masturbated? Yesterday! Had a.. very hot convo w my gf

Do you enjoy being fingered/fingering? Uhh the only time Ive had it done to me the person had to stop bc they got uncomfy with it and it was overall just a bit odd,, wait it happened a second time and their nails were too sharp also sdkfhsdh I feel like I could get to like it though? If its like, actually properly done rather than my current experiences sdhfk

How do you feel about food during sex? nno thanks mostly? I guess it can kinda depend on the food though idk, like if my gf suggested somethin I might not mind trying it out depending on what it was yknow

What do you do directly after sex? um.. well afaik just kinda lay/sit in a daze for a moment, mayb have some water, get real clingy, kind of have to be nudged into doing stuff bc i guess my brain just stops working skjdfkj

Cuddle with the tip in? Hell yeah. cuddle with it all in. sounds good.

What’s the nastiest sexual thing you’ve done? I don’t think I’ve really done anything nasty sdjkfsj all the sex ive had has been quite brief and vanilla idk

Name a follower you would fuck. @you-better-make-me!

Name a follower you have fucked. None..

What’s the sexiest part of your body? Idk man I guess my thighs are ok people seem to like them anyway

FuckMarryKill: DJ Khalid, Rick Ross, Fat Joe Am i supposed to know who these people are

Would you ever be with a trans person? i think the real question is would i ever be with a cis person (yes i would be with a trans person i am with 2 trans people and i am trans and i havent dated anyone cis since i was like 15)

Riding dick or doggy style? yes

Ever fucked in a school? Nope

Most random place you’ve had sex? havent really had sex in a random place lmao just beds

Would you ever be part of the mile high club? maybe..? thats having sex on a plane right. idk. maybe

Name three of your spots. what does this mean fkjd

Fuck on the first date? Depends

Do you suck dick? I’m sure gonna try!

Do you eat ass? Idk maybe not skdfjhsjk

Do you eat pussy? Haven’t yet, nearly did, got too nervous sdkjfh

Do you like kissing? So much!!

Is farting during sex sexy? I.. I mean its not sexy but like im also not gonna have a negative reaction. unless its me. that is something im admittedly very nervous about fkjd

Ever fucked in the shower? Nope

How old were you when you lost your virginity? Uh............ good question. 19 or 20 i forget if it was before my birthday but within the last year. unless you only count penetrative sex, then I haven’t yet

Do you prefer sex in the morning, afternoon, or night? Y..yes? I suppose afternoon/night is usually a better time, morning is jsut sleepy and trying to remember how to exist hours

Do you like drunk sex? Haven’t had it but I do get horny when I drink, wouldn’t be against trying it with someone I trust

Do you like high sex? Again never had it! And I haven’t really been high either so Idk

FuckMarryKill: Nicki Minaj; Cardi B; Kash Doll N..none for any

When was your first kiss? I was like 13 I think

How did you meet the person you lost your virginity to? College

Have you ever faked an orgasm? Nope. Wait maybe. Kind of. Idk when I was younger I was with this guy who would try get me to touch myself n I hadn’t figured out how to make it feel good so I’d just lie and say I was when i wasnt bc i didnt wanna do it so maybe at some point i said i came when i hadnt sdfhks

Ever painted/been painted on? Yeah but not in like a horny way, my ex would paint on my hand as kinda their way of flirting with me

You like sex toys? Sure

What’s your favorite sex position? Personally think missionary is underrated bc that closeness and being able to cling just sounds v good but also getting fucked from behind face down ass up also sounds,, v good lately

Sex on a bed, couch, or floor? beddd, maybe couch, floor just seems uncomfortable

Do you like car sex? Never had it, just seems a bit awkward but I guess I’d be open to trying it

You get instantly horny; what happened? My neck got bit!

FuckMarryKill: Trey Songz, Chris Brown, August Alsina. Kill chris brown. idk who the others are

Describe your crush. Don’t have one!

Woukd you ever be with someone with an incurable STD? Uh... Idk? I mean, theres preventative measures for basically all std’s right? So as long as those are taken so i dont also get it I guess it’d be ok

Rate your head game. No clue dkfhdsj

Rate your sex. Awkward!

Would you fuck someone outside of your race? ?? yes. what kind of question is this

Describe the type of freak you are. idk what this means but what first came to mind was ‘pet’ so take that as u will

Ever tasted your own nut/cum? Sure

Into golden showers? Nope

Body count: Under or Over 25? Wayyy under

How do you feel about nipple play? Uh depends! Not into being harsh like clamps etc just seems like itd hurt n not in a good way, but playing w/ them w ur hands and sucking on them. very good

Where do you like to be nutted on? chest/stomach seems good

Which are you better at: topping or bottoming? bottoming

What do you consider “too small?” Idk man dick is dick idc

Is play fighting foreplay? It sure can be!

Do you like angry sex? In concept maybe, in reality itd just kinda scare me

How long should a quickie be? Idk.. quick

How long is “too long” to have sex? Idk sex ends whenever one of u wants to stop, don’t think u can go too long if ur both comfortable with it

How long is “too long” to go without sex? Listen i.. am not the person to be asking this I’ve had sex maybe 3 times spread out over almost a year. i have never regularly had sex

Is “no” relevant in a relationship? Incredibly relevant!! Always!! Unless you’ve discussed beforehand that its ok to ignore it and have a safeword in place instead!! and then that safeword is not to be ignored!!

Do you believe in no-strings-attached sex? Sure but idk if i could do it

Would you have sex in a public bathroom? mmmaybe....

Would you have sex in a changing room? mmmmmmmmaybe

Who was the last person you had sex with? My ex

Describe your type. Idk I have the weirdest type i think they have like nothing in common then theyll all turn around and be into the same stuff or something its v strange

Name 3 turn-ons. Biting, just making out sometimes tbh, skin contact in places usually covered by clothes or under clothes..

Name 3 turn-offs. Umm. i definitely have turn offs but whenever im asked my mind goes blank. I guess being overly rough, hair pulling im undecided on tbh, and oh i usually dont like having my ass smacked but idk if itd change if it were like.. in the middle of sex

Name something that would make you stop in the middle of sex. Bad pain or panicking or it seems like the other person is uncomfortable. or someones knocking on the door for some reason sdkfjs

Would you answer a phone call during sex? no omg

Would you ever pay for sex? Nah.

Would you accept money for sex? Uh. Maybe? Wouldnt ask for it tho

How do you typically feel after sex? Mostly affectionate and good, but w the last person i was with sometimes it seemed like they just wanted it over and done with so i would get kinda nervous and guilty over that,, idk

Do you like your body? Nah

Ever sent nudes? Yep

Have you ever cheated on someone? Yeah he was abusive

Have you ever been cheated on? Idk, maybe, wait i think the guy i cheated on tried saying he cheated on me too but idk if he was just trying to get back at me so

Would you have a threesome? If I trust the people sure

Would you have a foursome? Same as above

Would you take part in an orgy? Uhh idk maybe, same as above applies tho

Would you let’s train be ran on you? Again if I trust the people yeah sure

How often do you masturbate? Idk it really depends sometimes im really horny and its like daily maybe more than once a day and then sometimes i just dont for like. a while

Sex with the lights on or off? on.. how are u meant to see what ur doing otherwise sdjkhfs

Sex with music or tv in the background? Sure, idc really. Though i have a thing if its like.. kids stuff.........dont do that..........

Do you have a cousin you’d fuck if you weren’t related? wtf no

In your last relationships, rate the sex? Uhh... good? I mean, good at the time, though like i said sometimes felt a bit rushed, and that now makes sense and i have very mixed feelings on it but mostly guilt bc the person i was with has since said they werent really into it. so.

Do you sleep naked? Nah I at least have underwear on

How often do you go commando? Never

Are your nipples pierced? If not, would you get them pierced? Nope

Do you dive right into sex, or converse first? Uh, depends? Talking about it beforehand or even during can be good though. But i guess it doesnt have to be Right before it, it can be a bit in advance

After taking your clothes off, what’s the first move? Kiss.. touch,, etc,,

Do you make the first move? Um. w my ex i kinda had to bc as i said, i later found out they werent really into it. other than that i generally dont tho bc im very nervous abt all that, kinda especially after that discovery hdfbghf

Have you ever had sex with more than one person in a day? Nope

Do you like dryhumping ? Sure

Can you twerk or do a split on a dick? Probably not

Have you ever been recorded during sex? No but I’ve had a dream abt being recorded sucking someones dick it was weird

Do you watch porn during sex? W. who does that. how can u focus on that. why would u watch sex when ur having sex skdjfhsjdk

After fucking, do you try becoming friends with a one night stand? Never had a one night stand

What’s your kink? Praise! Marking! Collars!

Would you hook up with the same hook-up again? I don’t think i could have a hook up tbh so no

Ever made a relationship from a one night stand? nope

How romantic are you during sex? uh.. idk havent rly had chance to try being romantic during sex but soft sex sounds v good imo

Describe your sex in 5 words or less. in my experience so far? nervous and kinda awkward

#god rip to my gf when every question i answer abt what its like having sex w me is just 'uh! awkward!'#Anonymous

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farharbour · 5 years

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ok oh my god this is. really hard to say out loud or in writing or whatever. lol. but what better day than today right? haha. ok.

hey. so i think i actually. might. lean more masc than i’ve ever wanted to admit to myself. i’ve been thinking about this so fucking much over the past few months and days especially and. i just really think that so much adds up in favour of me not being like. a solely woman-aligned nb. there’s more depth to my identity than i’ve wanted to explore and i think my close relationship w/ the lesbian label and how it used to make me feel made me blind to the fact that i. i really don’t think i’ve been comfortable calling calling myself that for a while but i’ve been lying to myself about a lot of things i’ve been uncomfortable exploring so. it’s time to come clean i guess and stop lying to myself about it all and accept myself as being. not really aligned w/ anything. i guess.

i’m still generally so fucking confused as to where i fit both in terms of what my gender and sexuality even /are/. but i know for a fact that “lesbian” just. isn’t me anymore. and it’s so sad to let go of that part of me because it’s defined me for so long but it’s time i think. it might be the cold medicine talking but i think a loot of what i’ve been experiencing/feeling throughout is much closer to how transmasc people feel than even butch lesbians..even though i tried to fit my experiences into the butch box because i was so desperate to cling to that part of my identity that once felt so stable and grounding.

and. i don’t think i’ll really worry so much anymore about where i fit anymore like. labels wise. because i really need to like. actually start dating people and have people that i’m close with and who i trust that can help me really figure some stuff out. not saying that it’s their job or anything but uh. it’s hard doing this when you’ve never dated anyone since before i came out because at least for me i think i know what i want but like. you never really know. you know? and from my one (1) dating experience i can tell you i’m not a cis girl and i don’t want to date men if they perceive me as being a cis girl u know?

i’ve said this for a while now but. i’d be comfortable dating a woman no matter how i’m perceived (woman-aligned, male-aligned, just straight up nb w/ no alignment, etc.) but i think i’d only be comfortable dating a man if he saw me as masc or nb but male-aligned. definitely not if he saw me closer to woman. i just. see two men together or think about being with a man but in those daydreams i’m always masc and idk. it feels too /right/ i think for me to keep saying i’m a lesbian because the thought of a man seeing me as male-aligned or as a man and wanting to date me? is so good. like. it’s just good and i’ve never admitted that before but that’s where i am right now. but the opposite is true too like a woman seeing me as a woman or nb but aligned fem is just as good still!

and that’s where i’ve been getting hung up because i don’t think this feeling is like. bigender. b/c i don’t feel how i felt when i once id’d with that label so like i guess i’m closer to genderfluid? but i don’t really think that’s right either. right now i don’t know how to express how i feel gender0wise and like i said i’m not. worrying about that right now or in the near future (probably).

tl;dr i’m not a lesbian and i’m going to be dropping that label. i’m just me right now. a little confused but working towards feeling comfortable with myself. it’s been hard to admit just how far i’d drifted away from my lesbianism in part because of how much comfort i gained from the label but also from how much i’ve helped others while identifying that way. i don’t want anyone to see this as a betrayal or anything even though it feels like one to me and i’m worried i’m. letting myself and some of you down with this revelation. but i hope you all will stick with me through this transition process and throughout whatever other weird gender stuff i go through in the future.

i guess if you /need/ to put a label on me right now i’m just. nb. and gay. i’m most definitely gay and most definitely non-binary in some way but the specifics of both are still vague and confusing and again i’m not worrying abt that right now. if i end up realising that i actually am a lesbian at some point, great! if not, then this part of my life has been a really important one regardless. i will always be thankful for the lesbian community here welcoming me and telling me it’s ok to like girls, and i will /always/ love women, that much is true. but the way i see myself with men is so weird and honestly kind of fucked up b/c of my repression of it and that’s. where i’m going to focus my energy from now on. that and like. just putting myself out there and dating and working on myself seeing what sticks. idk. just like. this is so fucking long i’m so sorry but if you are here right now i hope this made any sense b/c i’m not proofreading it lol! and i hope didn’t bum you out too much. and. if ur going through anything similar i’m so. sorry. because it’s one of the the worst feelings in the world to not really have an idea of who you are anymore but we will get through it. we’ll get there.

#💬#gender stuff #internalised bullshit #and uh. growth. growth i think!#um. don't feel obligated to read this it's so long but actual tl;dr is. i'm dropping the #lesbian label and starting to go at it w/o labels for a while while. being a lesbian #while amazing and i loved it was starting to make me feel like i couldn't explore #some of the things i was feeling and it's been getting really internalised and bad for #a while now. so i'm not saying i won't come back to it but i'm just gonna be Me for #a while. just nb. just gay. and we'll see where i go from there. happy tdov everyone and i love you all so so so so so so fucking much #long post #sorry if u are mobile-zoned this is. a lot.

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elvesofnoldor · 5 years

Text

im losing my entire fucking mind and i dont know anything abt myself anymore and why? why? all cause one day in undergrad, out of nowhere, i went “hey am i a woman?” like i was asking myself what flavour of cheesecake i wanted for dessert. That was like, right after i felt comfortable with the fact that im a lesbian. And the answer should have been simple and short: “yeah duh you dumb fucking bitch, why did you ask? why do you think asking this is fucking productive? forget about it!” But no, i decided to engage with the question and it opened a fucking pandora’s box, and this question latched onto me like a fucking parasite, because this question allows me to think about another crucial question im always afraid to ask myself: am i truly attracted to men? With lesbianism, i can answer this question with ease by saying, no, these flimsy “crushes” i have on like two or three boys when i was a child/teen were result of compulsory heterosexuality, boom, that’s it. simple! not to mention, i know that lesbians can experience attraction to men in the past and even had past relationship with men and still be lesbians, sometimes sexuality isn’t solid as a brick, and none of that should have mattered!

so yeah, lesbianism is the answer i LIKE, yet part of me is not satisfied with this answer! of course! why not! since when am i ever satisfied with anything EVER? over time, i started to want a “man’s body” when i see a cis dude with bare chest in picture, and it seems like i started to identify more and more with...masculinity and manhood...in general? even fictional men? at times? i dont fucking know! its a huge mess! and confusing! and my memories are all blurry and false and twisted by my current perception. sure i think i always kind of aspire to “androgynous looks”, but i like being a lesbian! At first, i was like, maybe im a non binary lesbian cause oh baby i know im not bisexual-- i dont want to be with men, but i want to be with women and that’s a certainty. And i know i had one real crush in life--sure it brought me nothing but misery but i know i had one true crush and it was a girl, a friend, from my high school-- whereas my possible feelings abt real boys or fictional men are very flimsy in comparison. still, part of me started to think that perhaps i can only process these feelings i might have for other men/boys in the past if i can...idk see myself as another man? i dont fucking know! Literally, it’s the most unproductive thing to think about! More importantly, i did not fall in love with any real man nor do i want to fall in love with any man! but i still kept questioning myself about this, cause i kept having these strong feelings abt, FICTIONAL MALE CHARACTERS. And idk, part of me was like, “maybe you’d be comfortable with your attraction to men if you...are a man?”, and yeah i actually engage with this line of fucking thinking. its so fucking embarrassing that MEN THAT ARE NOT REAL can have such ridiculous heavy impact on me, it’s fucking ridiculous and i hate it!!! Every time i started to get invested in some stupid story that doesn’t matter cause it’s a fucking fictional story, there is like, this ONE MAN, one fucking bitch, that i felt very strongly about and it didn’t feel entirely platonic. i knew i was not straight since a teen and it took me FOREVER to even seriously consider that im a lesbian even though i dread the thought of being with men for the longest time, precisely because i keep having these weird strong feelings about fictional men every once a while!!!!

makes no mistake i explored more rational options. during this time i made a rant abt it on here--i didnt want to! i tried not to make personal posts cause i dont want to bother strangers! but idk i guess my attention seeking whore ass just have to put my personal feelings out there eventually or i will die? anyways, a very nice mutual talked to me abt it, he was a trans man and as it turns out we shared a lot of similar experiences in regards to gender, and you’d think--hey maybe that helped? but no it fucking didn’t. it was nobody’s fault but it didn’t help, cause i clung on my womanhood for no apparent productive reason. i was still confused and, well, like a normal person i was like, let’s have human interaction! let’s actually explore my attraction to women! you don’t want to be with men so forget about them! forget what you might feel abt them! explore what you KNOW! explore certainty! so i did and ofc it ended up in shit, cause a girl who has a girlfriend (it was a closed relationship btw) asked me if i wanted to “hang out” on a dating app for wlws called HER and i genuinely thought it was a date? didnt know she has a girlfriend until AFTER we met. i wasn’t actually even surprised that she didn’t actually want to date me, because im ugly! im not attractive! im not even attracted to myself lol! plus she was very nice and cool and i was just happy that i made a friend with a fellow lesbian. but after that, i lost motivation to use that dating app, because one minor set-up and failure is all it takes for me to give up, its always like that with me. because im weak and pathetic, its always been like this.

yeah at one point i basically said im non binary on my bio, but i rather tell ppl im a lesbian and be done with it since im not entirely sure abt being non binary. Also, I know that non gender-conforming lesbians are everywhere, cis lesbians who are uncomfortable with gender identity exist! butches exist! they are here and they deal with it and they find community. but i don’t identify with...being butch? it was very nice to see gender non conforming, tom-boyish or butchy women out there, they gave me hope, they are my heroes but i just dont feel like...they are me? i dont feel like feminine women either, im attracted to feminine women but i dont identify with their look and their femininity. like i said, this is a huge fucking mess.

And now i have finally fucking done it, huh, dorian fucking p*vus, a gay male character. The clownery of it all! how the fuck, do i explain to ANYONE that i, a lesbian, have feeling that isn’t entirely platonic about a fictional gay man? yeah thats right thats why i romance him! i lied! ok! i fucking lied, it was cause i want to fuck him! ok! yeah, i know, ridiculous. i feel like im disrespecting him, that im , idk, fetishizing him, but i am not! i can’t be! i love him so much it hurts? it shouldnt be like that. i really shouldn’t. i cant make sense of this, its driving me nuts. still, this whole ordeal eventually got me thinking abt my gender, yet again, and it pushed me over the edge and i even told my dad that i want to transition this summer, that i am a man because i thought maybe i’d be much happier and less repressed if i can just accept that i like men-- if i can explore this possibility. i know i will NEVER accept liking man as a woman, and i know i already kinda have some sort of identification with manhood and masculinity, so why not! i was coming up with solutions! but i didnt even fall in love with a real man, and i was considering this serious level of transition in my life that requires time, money, and the process concerns health risk??? for what??? i was looking up all these info about transition, for WHAT? i gotta be out of my fucking mind! the most ridiculous thing is that while i always like a number of female characters, i would never feel as strongly about any of them in particular as i would, for that one fucking man. Even merrill, like, i love her and i genuinely feel like i want to be with a girl like her int he future but i dont feel as strongly about her as i would for dorian, for some, fucking, reason.

i headcanon the lavellan i used to romance dorian as a trans man, cause i was thinking, perhaps this would put things into perspective. and yeah, i wanna fuck dorian, but also i want to envision what my future CAN be using my lavellan as a proxy. things were simpler with my lavellan. he was handsome and had no body image issue, he was fit, transition was easy for him cause magic and he virtually spent no money on it, he was passing, his family and community fully supported him, he had a lovely girlfriend before he knew he was trans. sure, he has problems and issues to deal with but none are the ones i gotta deal with. he is not me, but he has what i wanted and what i wish i had: beauty, confidence, a girlfriend, easy FTM transition, and he is a man so he’s legally allowed to fuck dorian. but i did not transition, and im still a cis woman with long hair, and ppl looks at me and they probably still thinks im straight, im not straight but i AM a ugly cis woman and i dont think transition’d help cause i might just become a even uglier man lol. And if i dont become a beautiful, stunning man, then i dont want to become a man at all cause if things dont turn out perfectly for me, i dont want to do them and its always like that for me and its why im a fucking failure on everything right now. so many trans people are not passing, but they deal with it, not me tho! i can’t, cause im a pathetic baby!!! i cant deal with any minor inconvenience in my fucking life i guess!!!! And i cant help but to feel weird about having a trans man as one of my ocs. maybe i should make him cis instead? im so exhausted, i cant help but to feel that my trans mutuals want to just pull the trigger on me and unfollow me cause you all are silently judging me for having a trans oc when im still technically, cis. well judge me in my fucking face you fucking cowardly fucks! Am i cis? well idk, probably, maybe im just a hysterical crazy bitch of a cisgender^tm woman who is constantly uncomfortable with her gender, maybe thats all there is. who knows, all i know is that im burnt out, that i don’t know anything anymore and it was all a huge fucking mess that things dont matter. this is causing me nothing but pain and confusion and i dont want to be wrong myself. ftm transition is not, “oh geez lets just explore a option” kind of deal, its kinda fucking serious and its stressing me out. i dont know what i want, who i am, anything and i can’t afford to be wrong so i dont know!!!!! i just dont know!!!!!!!! i talked abt with a therapist actually but all therapist do is to LIE lie AND LIE and tell me things i already know, “you need to be careful with about transitioning! it’s a big decision” who pays you to say this garbage to me? “you are capable and beautiful and you can do this! believe in yourself!” as if ppl saying this shit is enough???? as if i still need to go see a fucking therapist if i am magically ok after i talk to somebody and they tell me lies that sound validating????i know they dont believe in what they said anyways. “you are ok! you are fine, you have no problem” BITCH I WISH I AM OK, BUT AM I OK? IM FUCKING NOT AND YOU ARE $60 RICHER THAN AN YOU ARE AN HOUR AGO! FUK YOU! LIES LIES LIES!!!!! men lie too, i put on some bad eyeliner and some random creepy dude came and told me im beautiful! beautiful my ass! im fucking ugly and i know it, you really think im fucking stupid you fuck? am i just being a special snowflake? are the things that i know for certainty actually certainty??? nothing about me feels real anymore, and maybe im just being dramatic but my self perception is non existent and i feel like im just lying to myself even though i thought i was being truthful and ppl keep telling me lies and nothing helps. im living on lies and it is festering

#yolanda talks #stories are much simpler. stories make sense and nothing complicates the narrative. but shits happen in life and things dont make sense #and you have to deal with it??? all the shit about yourself that makes sense? all that shit makes for shitty stories?#lmao............

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karak9 · 5 years

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Another stupid long post about how I don't know my own fucking gender

This is honestly just copied and pasted from a yt comment I made on an older vid and I figured I'd share it here bc tumblr loves this shit I guess lol. God damn I've been questioning my gender for so long and ik rn im prob not still in the best position to be thinking about deep life shit like where I am mentally and im dealing with a lot in my life and also very insecure about potentially being trans bc a lot of my friends don't seem like they would be very accepting and my bf is only really into girls. I asked him how he would feel if I was nonbinary or looked like a boy and he just said he wasn't totally sure but he's only attracted to girls :c he's the sweetest bf in existence and im honestly so afraid of losing him, so aside from obviously not wanting to deal with all the other trans shit, I definitely hope im not trans bc I don't wanna lose him. Anyways, ill start with my childhood I guess. I was always super tomboyish. My older sisters (im the youngest sibling btw) were always p tomboyish so maybe I kinda got it from them but I kinda felt like I was more tomboyish than them? I felt like I was the most boyish girl I knew, like even meeting other tomboy girls in elementary school I felt like I couldn't really relate to them or like they couldnt relate to me enough idk. I also remember once making up a song about being like so tomboyish that I was basically a boy or something along those lines and sang it to my best friend at the time who I copied like all the fkin time (it honestly wasnt healthy lmao I didn't have good parents, also I think I started making up songs bc she did that and I wanted to like impress her), but she thought it was stupid and weird so I just forgot about it and moved on. I was embarrassed to even enjoy playing with dolls or play dress up games online and was determined to play masculine games like runescape (even tho I ended up doing girly shit in runescape anyways lmao) and considered myself one of the guys. In 5th grade when I started needing to wear a bra I absolutely didn't want to, tho some girls in my class thought it was weird I didn't wear a bra when they found out and that made me more insecure about it, but since then I've p much only worn sports bras. I have bought some more normal bras bc I wanted to look attractive in them for my SO or whatever but I still highly prefer my sports bras and can't stand wearing the other ones unless I have to bc my sports bras aren't clean lmfao. I always hated talking about genitalia and breasts n shit but that could just be bc of how I was raised and how my family was always so strict and such radical Christians and anything sex related was a sin, idk if its dysphoria or not. I've never rlly liked my chest and hated showing cleavage like so god damn much and still do but maybe that's the same thing or maybe I just want smaller boobs and that's it idk??? Like I'd want to appear to have a completely flat chest at least, idk if I'd want to actually like have a guy chest or not? Also huge issue with ppl seeing me naked or touching my boobs but again idk if that's gender related or just a normal issue I have. Tho I had a friend in high school (a girl, a very weird lewd girl) who would occasionally grope my chest randomly and it wasn't a huge issue but kinda made me uncomfortable and more aware of my chest. I really like when I wear big hoodies or when I lean over so my shirt kinda poofs out and it looks like I have a flat chest underneath. Though im not super uncomfortable with my boobs, like normally ill want nothing to do with them but I don't mind my SO touching them especially if they're really into it. I wouldn't say im rlly dysphoric about between my legs either, like yeah I think its weird and I hate monthlies and stuff but I think that's normal. I think if i woke up one day and had a dick I would be fine with it, I'd prob even enjoy it tbh lmao. I once had a dream that i was, well, a male dog like,,, ya know, with a female dog, and not to sound weird af (hey we were both dogs ok) but I think i kinda enjoyed it? I don't really remember any other dreams where I remember actually having a dick or feeling it but I've had several dreams as a male person, but p much all of them were like, I was seeing through a character's eyes or smth, not really that I was a guy, so idk if that's normal. I have the same dreams about being other girl characters, I'd say its split about 50/50. Because of this game community im in, a lot of ppl assume im a guy, and a lot of people still think im a guy and I haven't really bothered to correct them but idk if I find it more enjoyable bc its funny or if I enjoy not being referred to as female for once. I'll admit I feel most comfortable referred to as they/them, like without a doubt, if I could go by only 1 set of pronouns for the rest of my life it would be they/them. But ik that's not enough to call myself trans. I definitely wouldn't want to be 100% male. Like if I imagine myself as a grown man vs a grown woman id prob choose to be a woman. I don't like my voice but I think that's mostly just bc I sound 10 years younger than I actually am, and wouldn't really want a deep/masculine voice. Like a "tomboy" voice would be fine if that makes sense? I don't want facial hair or want to have a masculine body, I like that I have curves and soft skin and small hands. Personally I like my hair long bc its soft and people love it, but sometimes I kinda wish I had short hair and could pass as a boy. Like I'd wanna be a typical cute kpop boy ngl lmfao. I like the whole cute androgynous/feminine boy look and wish I could pull it off. Tho I also like really girly things sometimes and am okay being seen as a girl, i just want to be cute and attractive. Ik whether im trans or not I like being a mix of feminine and masculine, tho I admit in the past I've been kinda insecure bc I used to be super sure I was nb and thought me liking girly things and wanting to still havd long hair and wear girly clothes made me seem like "not trans enough" or whatever. But i guess here I am questioning myself again anyways. If I am nb, it sucks that ill never really be able to be openly myself and all but I've accepted by now that I kinda have to pick a binary and choose what I want to be seen as for the rest of my life, and im ok with being female. There are some things I dont like about my body whether they're really gender related or not but I can't afford to transition and wouldn't like most of the effects of T and am afraid of surgery and not sure I want top surgery enough to ever get it anyways, but I think if we lived in a perfect world and I could magically change my body at will and I wasnt afraid of judgment or being unattractive or whatever, I'd probably want to look androgynous and itd be cool to be able to change my genitalia at will lmao. If I had to choose 1 genitalia over the over I honestly have no idea what I'd choose but I have no desire to ever get bottom surgery, at the same time tho I honestly wanna someday get surgery or w/e to never be able to get pregnant. I just could not handle pregnancy or giving birth and I don't even like babies and breast feeding sounds awful so if I ever have kids they will be adopted 100% and most likely be older and like not newborn babies lmfao, babies are honestly so weird to me and they stink and cry and they're so fragile and im so afraid of like dropping them when I hold them lmao. But I like my nieces and nephews and I like being the cool aunt (is there a gender neutral version of aunt/uncle?) who lets them use my art supplies and helps them do fun stuff even if I get tired of them sometimes lol. Idk if that's gender related either but yeah I guess. This if kind of a more recent thing but I often say I'd make a great bf kinda as a joke bc of how I am in relationships like being the stereotypical sweet bf type who makes things for their partner a lot and wants to be their knight in shining armor and their protector and all that, but again prob not rlly trans related lmao just thought I'd throw that out there I guess. So when I was 17 was when I really started getting into trans stuff, prior to that I mostly just learned from my parents that trans ppl were "against god" and all that bs, and eventually started realizing lgbt+ isn't as bad as my family said and later realized I was bi. But anyways I met an agender person online when i was 17ish and I'd never heard it before and thought it was really interesting and asked them how you know you're agender bc after hearing their explanation of it i thought it described how I felt, but ofc they weren't transmed and just described it as being like a deep feeling or whatever and since then i started calling myself agender (and switched between a few labels but basically nonbinary) until my transmed friend told me I was ridiculous and that I wasn't trans, and honestly he was a huge dick but im a huge pushover lmao and I thought well he's trans so he must know what he's talking about, and though I felt discouraged about it I stopped calling myself nonbinary. Then I began questioning it again after not too long and basically since then I've been questioning my gender off and on. I'm now 22 and god I fucking hope im cis but also I feel like a part of me doesn't want to be cis if that makes sense?? Idk if that's because I don't like being a girl for some weird deep reason I don't know about despite being pretty sure I've gotten a lot of my feelings and their reasons behind them figured out, or if it's because I am trans and dont want to force myself to pretend im a girl 100% forever. At the very least, whatever the fuck my gender is, I want to continue going by they\them wherever I can and pretending to be a boy to strangers online and I'd love to cosplay male characters and bind and occasionally just dress masculine for the hell of it and probably wear sports bras for the rest of my life. I feel like in a way I cang possibly be trans because I can live with all of those things and be fairly comfortable still being seen as female for the rest of my life. But idk, I have bpd and other mental shit so sometimes im not great with my feelings (tho I do try really hard to identify all of my feelings/emotions and stuff) but at the same time bpd can cause weird identity shit so maybe its just a weird mix of a bunch of crap and im not actually trans but just weird and tomboyish enough to question my gender for 5 years and still be unsure. Also I know a lot of ppl suggest talking to a therapist/psychologist/whatever professional and trust me I would love to but I can't currently and am unsure when ill be able to bc they're expensive and I live in the middle of fucking nowhere so finding a decent therapist around where I live rn is going to be very difficult. Also, I have fucking crippling social anxiety lmao like I'd be so afraid to open up about this stuff even to a professional. So if anyone could suggest anything online that could help that would be amazing

#Trans #nonbinary #nb #genderqueer #gender questioning #transmed #pls help me lmao I hate my brain sm #also im so sorry if this post is scuffed af #im on mobile #its 4 am I cba

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headlongedmaggiemay · 5 years

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Guys, I floored! IDK what I’m doing

This is a long rant/story ish thing. It gets weird at the end.

Ok here’s a peak into my life (of which, no one asked for 🤷🏼‍♀️).

Hi, I’m Steph, 28 (turning 29 at the end of this month), artist, barista, beach bum, INFP, 2w1, Hufflepuff. I’ve been a part of the Queen fandom since BoRhap and I’m not planning on leaving any time soon.

Ok, one of the main things that I usually don’t care that much about but has been a source of insecurities and a trigger for my depression, which I’m working on controlling that, is I’m Demisexual. I’m a unicorn, ace of diamonds, part of the asexual range, and a complete hopeless romantic. It was hard growing up not understanding that I wasn’t broken. I didn’t have crushes on people the majority of the time or slept around. A lot of my friends chucked it up to me being raised in Christianity, and in all honesty I thought that was part of it, too. I remember thinking the people I had interest in just didn’t like me because of *queue laundry list of typical insecurities often found in teenagers and young adults* (you get the gist). Through my early mid 20s I decided to acknowledge my feelings and desires to be in a relationship but not let the lack of affection, attraction, or action overwhelm me into a depressed funk. I chose to focus on the fact that I felt relatively normal for wanting those things which the American Society seems to hyper fixate on. This was the period of time I took to focus on me and being confident in my plus sized skin. This was good. I am who I am and no one can make me feel less than who I am. Around the peak of self love and acceptance, I discovered a word, a magical word, that seemed to click with who I am, Demisexual.

For those unaware of the definition of Demisexual it is not experiencing any sexual attraction to another until a greater bond is formed. Basically, there has to be an emotional bond, think friends to lovers trope. We fall under the asexual umbrella. Just because we need a deeper connection with someone to feel sexually attracted to, doesn’t mean we don’t get horny or anything else non-ace feel, it’s just more specific to the individual. From what I’ve read, since I only know of one other demi, who didn’t have a word for what she is until pride month because I was explaining my demi pride name tag I painted for work, a lot of Demi’s still have sexual urges and masterbate. We still have the need to connect with another person. We still want to be kissed in the most romantic way. It’s just with a person we know and trust.

That being said, I’m a demi who rarely has romantic crushes, friend crushes literally happen everyday for me lol, I just think people are amazing and unique! The thing about me is that I’ve had five (5) crushes in my nearly 29 years of life. Of course, 4 out of 5 of those I had a deep connection to, the other I was literally a child, living in my fantasy, but it still counts. Consequently, those four are the only ones I have ever had a sexual attraction towards. So the 4 have all been friends, close friends, best friends, and only one of those was semi acted on. We talked for a few weeks, then he decided to be an ass, (fueling my deep fear of rejection) and I told him he wasn’t allowed to talk to me or even look at me until I gave him the ok, which he respected. I have had a ‘boyfriend’, it lasted 3 weeks, was he one of the 5? No. Why did agree to be his girlfriend? Because one of the five had gotten into a relationship with our friends sister and I was so hurt because I put too much heart into a one sided thing, I accepted the ‘boyfriend’s’ affection and hoped for something to happen. I don’t know I was hoping for, but it didn’t happen. (The guy who got with our friends sister is happily married to her and I’m happy for them)

See, when I have a crush or whatever you want to call it, I go hard. I already know when I get into a *real* relationship, it will be a ride or die situation. I love hard, even on my friends. I’m incredibly loyal and protective of my tribe. I can’t help it, it’s just how I function.

This is a lot of setup for this part of my current flaming cart of shit of a life, right now, July 14, 2019. For the past, nearly year I guess, I’ve been trying to disentangle my feelings I had towards my closest best friend. I’m 99.999999% he’d never hold romantic feelings for me and that’s fine, I can’t force him to reciprocate. The main reason I decided to disentangle my romantic feelings for him was because I don’t want to ruin our friendship. It means more to me than a crush. Like, he’s so important to me and I know that if I didn’t, I’d push him away and lose one of the best things in my life. And for all of you going ‘why not take a chance on him?’, well my dears, he is on the asexual scale as well. And I respect him and our friendship too much to damage that. Queue BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY! In the earlier stages of the disentangling, BoRhap came out. This was my distraction from my feelings and ultimately what helped me work past them. Shout out to all you Queenies out there, y’all helped a lot! Anyways, I realized about a month or so ago I no longer felt those romantic feelings for him and was pleasantly joyful about that because now our friendship has gone back to normal. Around that time, a guy at my work transferred back to our store. I worked with him briefly when I was first hired, six months later he was transferred. We almost never spoke, I was shy and still getting comfortable with the people, so I barely spoke to like 3 of my coworkers. I always tried to say hi to him and a few other coworkers that I felt we could eventually become friends. Fast forward a year and half later, I’m incredibly comfortable in my work space, so much so that I, an introvert, innately shy natured person, am considered one of the bigger personalities we have in our shop. So here we are, he’s (let’s call him Craig) back, and somehow we have become pretty close. Now, I’ve never been good with reading flirty body language, I’ve always said if someone like me, I need a billboard or flashing lights, or complete directness i.e walking up to me and saying, ‘Steph, I like you a lot,’ or ‘I have feelings for you.’ So with Craig I can’t tell if he’s flirting with me or if he is very comfortable with me. He is a relatively normal cis guy, not an asshole, nerdy and cute and yes, a crush is developing for him. We send each other memes literally all day even when we’re at work together. He texted me right before he fell asleep telling me he shaved his face. I can read his emotions fairly well. We joke and laugh all the time. We haven’t hung out outside of work yet, but I really want it to happen. I’m at the point in my life that whatever happens happens with him because to few times I let my heart run away it’s come back mangled. I’m tired of it. Also, Craig got out of a 3 year relationship right before he transferred back. I’m trying not to dive in without looking, but Craig has been constantly running through my head for the past week, at least that I’ve realized. I’ve had a few sex dreams with him, fun fact: I’ve never had sex... bonus: it doesn’t make me weird. He’s definitely popped into my head when I was masterbating (tmi sorry). I just don’t know what to do. I want something to happen between us, I want him to have feelings for me, I want him to hold me at night but we work together so I have all these insecurities with that. My insecurities about my weight like to flare up when I start having feelings for someone. I’m confident in my skin except around crushes, apparently. I shouldn’t let it matter, but I know I don’t fit the standard for beautiful body, or ‘hot’ and hmmmpff. Like anytime someone tinkles that little bell of interest for me, a voice comes crawling from the grave I thought I buried it in, saying ‘no one’s going to love you or want you. how could they? you’re so fat and your boobs aren’t perfect, and look at all these pretty other people around you, how can you hold up them? why would they choose you over that cute thing there?’

Do you realize how hard it is to try to kill that voice, especially since it sounds like my mother?

Do you realize how hard it is not to hate myself for not being semi normal?

Do you realize how hard it is to not run away from my feelings for someone? To not just hide away forever hoping someone will come rescue me from my thoughts? To not just friend zone Craig and leave it at that?

I should just find a therapist.

Sorry.

P.S. I’m still figuring out the other part of my sexuality, meaning demi is a precursor to homo, hetero, bi, pan, poly ect. I think I’m demi-pan-sexual

#I have a lot of thoughts #idk what to do with this #not really queen related #personal #demi #demisexual #asexual #pansexual #demi-pan #queen fandom #my story that no one asked for

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