#like a lot of bi women + lesbians don't like the 'queer woman' thing bc we like our sexuality being clear

[cruelsister-moved2]

I am so tired of people here regurgitating the "the ONLY reason bisexual women don't call themselves lesbians today is because lesbians collectively kicked them out of the community"

I KNOOO its one of those things people repeat bc they heard it somewhere and don't even think abt it bc even on face value like, there's significantly more bi women than lesbians and lesbians are one of the smallest groups in the lgbt community, even assuming that lesbians somehow unanimously agreed to do this, so why would bi women not just simply continue to call themselves whatever the fuck they want. it's so frustrating bc if u ever actually spoke to a bi person you'd see that 99% pride themselves on their bisexuality and would be frustrated if they didn't have a way to proclaim it!!

it's another one of these stupid discourses that attempts to frame lesbians and bi women's interests as opposing (and lesbians as the gatekeeping oppressors naturally despite being the significantly smaller group???) but in reality most of the time it serves us both like ur equally likely to see ppl calling the 'bi lesbian' phenomenon biphobic as lesbophobic. ppl will literally say stuff that implies bisexuality is something which needs to be obfuscated or pimped up and then r like why would LESBIANS do this!!

#ask #anon #like a lot of bi women + lesbians don't like the 'queer woman' thing bc we like our sexuality being clear #tbh in both of those examples ive personally seen much more bi women talking abt how it affects them #not that that's a bad thing but then when it's time to defend them n ppl immediately jump for the hater gatekeeping lesbians it's like... #it's interesting that thing ppl often do where they assume all lesbians disagree w them and all bi people agree

[moonandris]

Omg, I actually did it! I finally joined a queer dating/friendship app!!! EEEEEEK!!! I'm sooooo nervous!!! I literally have almost no queer friends IRL so I don't have anyone to get excited with me!! 🥳

One of my New Year's resolutions for 2024 was to put myself out in the world more and try my best to be more social, meet new friends (as well as potentially find a partner), and explore all my passions, hobbies, and interests with like-minded people.

As a very shy bisexual woman, it's so hard to meet other queer people, especially when you live in a more conservative area. So when I joined a queer dating/friendship app I was was SO surprised to see how many other lesbian/bi women were located near me.

Also, for some reason I've always had this super toxic thought in my head that queer women wouldn't be attracted to me because of the fact that I'm S U P ER femme/girly and I think I look very 'straight' to the average person assessing me. Trust me when I say I was genuinely SHOCKED at the matches I was getting like??? Why did I think such terrible things about myself and my sexuality? I feel really silly for thinking that and I've realized that I have a lot of inner work to do regarding my sexuality and self-worth.

This is honestly such a new, exciting experience for me and was so healing for my mind and mental health to just be able to communicate and talk with other queer women. I know this isn't writing related but it's really not something I can share with other people or on my other social media (yet) so I knew I had to make this post bc I'm just SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited!!!

It honestly makes me wanna cry a little. It's a very emotional feeling and also feels so freeing to just BE MYSELF and not have to hide my queerness or be afraid that someone is going to find out I'm bisexual and act really awful/disgusted towards me, you know?

Regardless of whether I find a partner or make new friends and whatnot, I'm super proud of myself that I'm not denying this part of myself anymore. I'm exploring my sexuality with people who know what it's like to be queer in this crazy world we live in. It's a really awesome feeling. 💕💕💕💕

Anyways, if you've made it this far thank you so much for reading this silly lil post and wish me good luck! Happy New Year!! 🎊

#faye speaks #faye's personal posts #not writing related #bisexuality #bisexual feels #i'm very nervous but also very excited #i'm just so happy that i can FINALLY explore this side of myself in such a positive way #if you're queer i KNOW you KNOW this struggle lmao #this was/is SUCH a healing experience too #sorry for making this silly little post #but thank you for reading

[sneezemonster15]

A lot of adults women behave like incels but less violent and more manipulative. They usually love the cringe romance movies where the main girl is average looking and not like the other girls and manage to make the badboy soft. Generally they hate hot girls bc they are jealous (see the way Skr stans talk abt Ino and feel victorious bc they "won" against her, the hot girl). Those women are full of insecurities, thats why Skr is so relatable.

The way Skr tries to not think about the fact Sske dont wanna spend time with her is the same way some irl women ignore that their husbands are cheating, and if they cant ignore it they will attack the other women but they will NEVER leave the guy. All their self worth is based on having a bf/husband.

Then there are some lesbian/bi women who stan her as an act of feminism. She is a female character who got what she wanted so its a win apparently. Fortunatly those ppl are minority bc as a queer woman and feminist, it is very embarrassing to read those takes. I'm all for uplifting women and for them to get everything they desire but not at the expense of non sexist men. Plus, Skr dont even look so happy at the end of the day. So is it really a win for her and women?

Yeah that makes sense. But it's sad isn't it? Because even trying to have a dialogue with them isn't helpful. There's no point having it if they aren't ready to be receptive to it.

Sakura really sees no contradiction between what she says and what she does.

And yet...

Lol. Till only two days ago, she was found styling her hair in the middle of chuunin exams, all skinned knees and having suffered minor injuries, while her team mates were working. She let her hair grow in the first place because she thought Sasuke liked it. Lol.

What impression can it possibly give to the reader? Kishi had to stress on it too, with another character this time.

Why would Kishi stress so much on Sakura and her obsession with her hair, just to make her say something totally hypocritical five chapters down? Lol. Kishi is very clever about writing his characters act according to the character traits given to them. Like for example, the panel below, Kakashi acts according to his character (where he has a blindspot for Sakura's negative shades) thinks Sakura is not the type to brag when she is actually exactly the type to brag.

Lol, Sakura's whole personality is about being obsessive for Sasuke which in turn makes her violently jealous of Naruto and Ino. She beats Naruto up regularly for no apparent reason and harasses Ino, even though that girl did nothing but try to help her. And she brags, it's the only thing she does properly. Lol.

And yet, she is always bragging, showing off. From start to end.

And I am positive I am missing some panels here lol. She is always looking for external validation. She revels in it. While external validation itself is not a bad thing, since humans need some amount of external validation to measure their abilities, and Naruto does it too, but for him, it's rooted in his quest for acknowledgement and acceptance, so he could make friends and not be ostracized from community. Sakura does it because of her ego. While Naruto has his principles rooted in his belief systems, his emotions and his dream that egg him on to do better, Sakura finds her motivation in the desire to show off and impress people, mostly Sasuke.

She disrespects Ino, Tsunade, and she fights Kaguya while she says this?

Girl, why are you so embarrassing? If you wanna attack her, just do it. Why even mention her being a woman? She wasn't mocking you, she barely even noticed you. You aren't worthy enough for her to notice.

Lol. And things she says about being a woman are just so cringe lol.

No one underestimates her because she is a girl, in fact Kakashi coddles her because she is a girl. She is underestimated because despite training, she is just weak and unskilled, as compared to her cohorts. And if she is skillful, we don't see it in the same proportion measured against the way she talks about herself. Tsunade never had to sing about her being a woman and yet people are bloody scared of her strength. Temari never had to mention it, neither did Kushina. Chiyo certainly briefly talks about how women always get the short end of the stick in their male driven society, but she not only belongs to a much older generation that has seen a hell lot, she is a master puppeteer and a superior warrior in her own right, she has earned it.

It would have been fine if only Sakura had actually consistently kept her word, proven herself through actions and not just empty words. Because when she doesn't, it reduces the value of those words. I don't know if she really meant it when she said women were fickle. Who? Tsunade? Kushina? Chiyo? Temari? Nope, they didn't give any such impression.

She constantly condescends to Naruto despite him having proved himself to be skillful, strong, the one who wins team seven several battles while she stands in a corner shaking and sweating. Thing is, she realises she makes mistakes. She acknowledges Naruto's strength as well, but she doesn't do anything to change. The whole point of a realization is to work on it and correct your behaviour. She is condescending towards Naruto till the end. Konohamaru takes her down a peg when she is being disparaging towards him and Naruto when they are doing the oiroke jutsu contest. She even hits Konohamaru, and he gets pissed off. So he makes a reverse oiroke jutsu just to show her true face, and that face has a streak of blood trickling down her nose lol. But when Naruto uses it against Kaguya, she again condescends to him. Narusakus are kinda embarrassing tbh, Sakura doesn't get Naruto. She thinks she does but she doesn't. She thinks she gets Sasuke but she obviously doesn't. And yet, she makes her 'strategies' in kage arc around her knowledge of Naruto and fake confesses to him. Naruto rejects her. Lol. She goes to Sasuke and tries to kill him (with a kunai...) by tricking him, only to be attacked, twice. Even when she drugs her cohorts before going to Sasuke, they clock her real plan. Lol.

She overestimates herself, even though it's clear that if she only thought things through, she would be much more successful. She is really blind to her own shortcomings even though she tries but remains unsuccessful, which is even sadder.

She does know Sasuke doesn't wanna spend time with her, she also gets a sense that she will always be much lesser than Naruto in Sasuke's eyes, she knows but she doesn't care. Even if it means long term misery for everyone involved.

Yes, I am sure some women find her character relatable. But relatable doesn't mean everything. I relate to Sasuke and I am very wary of establishing emotional connections but I know it's not something ideal or healthy. Connection is what people thrive on. If I ever started to relate with Sakura, I would really be compelled to take a hard look at myself. Lol.

#ask #haruno sakura #anti sakura #anti ss

[farmerlesbian]

hey... so i've identified as a lesbian since i was 13 and i even felt like my gender matched that (never felt comfy w being called a woman, most gender related compliments or doing a lot of feminine things)

thing is last year i had a Night and i ended up kissing a boy i knew for a bit and i started liking him after that. so a month after that i went to a club on my own and ended up chatting with a random guy, we really hit it off. he then wanted to kiss me and i accepted since i had decided to explore my sexuality. thing is i also ended up liking him when we kissed lol and we started dating and now he's my bf.

i mean i guess it's not that weird since these men are not straight and also not too masc (my bf wears make up etc). but i keep feeling conflicted since i felt like the lesbian label always fitted me sexually and gender wise. also it seems like i just happen to like guys when i kiss them, because i wasn't attracted to these men before the kisses happened

i am calling myself bisexual now but i keep feeling so close to lesbianism. it feels weird and uncomfy :( also i think i love my bf but it feels soooo different if i compare the experience to when i was dating girls. i mean i used to lose my shit over girls. with guys it feels a like it's the same feeling but watered down. and i don't think it's comp het bc i feel that my attraction is real, but so different and weird compared to what i was used to

sorry for my english, i'm not a native speaker. have a wonderful night 💖

Ooh congrats on your relationship and I hope you two have so much fun!

It sounds to me like you are bi! It makes sense that you have a fondness for lesbians and the gay community, because you ARE part of the community. From what I understand, it is quite common to have a different experience and feeling in your attraction to different genders, to feel different when with a girl vs with a boy. If you want to put extra emphasis on your interest in girls, you could also use "sapphic" and "wlw" and "gay" or "queer" for yourself! I don't think that you being super into your boyfriend is erasing your experiences or interest in women. That's what bi means! Bi doesn't have to mean perfectly equal amount of attraction to men and women, you can be like way more into girls and still be bi. And you certainly have lots in common with lesbians. I mean, we're all gay here!

Maybe try finding other bi folks to befriend, you'll see how common your experiences are! You're certainly not alone. It's a wonderful thing to be bi, you're no less gay for it.

#ask farmer lesbian #labels #questioning #mod alfalfa #radiovhs #bi #sapphic #wlw #lesbian #bisexual

[redheadbigshoes]

(for context I am a trans woman who is also a lesbian. I don't believe in mspec or bi lesbians and I also think these things are just as annoying as believing in 'misandry' or 'transandrophobia')

I think the whole situation with the hacker girl is interesting bc as a trans woman, she IS going to face a lot of scrutiny by default.

Like I disagree with the whole bi lesbian thing, and I think she should drop it. But knowing how these things tend to work out for people like us, I just hope she doesn't receive undue attention and harassment for it.

Because when a trans woman becomes the center of discourse, the common thing to happen is non-stop ruthless harassment, and I'm already seeing the dogpile forming.

In short, this sucks for everyone because this won't help anyone get over the fact lesbian means no attraction to men, or that trans women don't deserve to be disproportionately harassed online.

Like whenever this stuff happens, people form a false dichotomy, like "if you don't support bi lesbians you hate trans women". I hate seeing us be repeatedly used as ammo for discourse y'know.

We're varied and have varied opinions on things, like, y'know, human beings. I hate being forced to pick a side because the online mob demands it.

You’re very right. The fact that she’s a trans woman shouldn’t be used against her. Yes she needs to be called out for using “bi lesbian” but being harassed because of that isn’t the right way.

I think especially when it comes to queers, going aggressive against someone doesn’t really work and isn’t even right (if we’re talking about a situation that the person was never aggressive or actively wanted to hurt someone).

And I really do understand how for a trans woman the harassment and hatred can be worse, I’ve seen people overly attacking a marginalized person (the case wasn’t about a trans woman though) and when it comes to marginalized identities (not necessarily queer, but women and POC as well) people tend to get way more aggressive and judge way more.

The fact that she’s trans shouldn’t be used on the discourse of “bi lesbian” (whether that’s used against her or in defense of her), because it really has nothing to do with it.

#stephanie answers #anon #long post #‘bi lesbians’

[youareallowedchips]

sexuality/gender headcanons about the sherlock gang

18+ (not really nsfw) content under the cut ♡

post author is bi & nonbinary! these are just my own personal hcs that i keep in mind when i write fic, it's 100% fine if you don't agree c:

sherlock holmes

homosexual, grey-aromantic transmasculine.

sherlock, despite public perceptions, has an absolutely average sex drive, but had never really felt romantic attraction in his life until he met john, and he can't imagine falling in love with anyone else. he spent a fair bit of time on hookup apps prior to meeting john. sherlock is KINKY.

he's known he felt more aligned with masculinity since he was very small, but never felt the need to go on hormones or have surgery, because he finds society's expectations of trans people restrictive and doesn't want surgical recovery to slow him down. he binds (sometimes unsafely, much to john's annoyance), and it does wonders for his dysphoria.

john watson

allo, bi cis man.

dating sherlock from the great game until the fall, and after mary's death. john's romantic attraction STRONGLY leans towards women and femmes, but sherlock is The One for him. he had a purely physical relationship with sholto when he was still in the army.

john's sex drive is actually super high.

mycroft holmes

allo, gay cis man

a lot of people assume mycroft is aro/ace, because he never seems to get himself involved with anyone. mycroft is married to his work, in the truest sense of the word, and simply doesn't have time for sex or relationships.

mycroft is in a bonded pair with his right hand.

greg lestrade

allo, straight cis man. (token cishet white man!)

dating molly, unofficially just after aSiB, officially asked her out in tSoT, when they were tipsy at john & mary's wedding. greg is super comfortable with his sexuality/masculinity and he's experimented plenty. before john & sherlock got together, he kissed john in the pub once, just to see if he'd like it. he had a fling with a bloke in police academy when he was young, but decided in the end that dudes weren't for him. he appreciates beauty in all genders, and isn't afraid to point out an aesthetically pleasing man. he's also VERY much an ally, most of his friends (and his girlfriend,, uwu) are queer. he fiercly protects his queer friends and coworkers.

greg is an absolute HORNDOG. filthy filthy filthy. he'd be doin' it every day if it was up to him. he's a pleasure/service dom and

molly hooper

demisexual, bi, cis woman.

dating greg. is pretty much split 50/50 in her attraction, maybe with a slight lean towards men. even though she's shy, her sexuality is one of the few things she's open and proud about.

mary morstan

haven't really thought about it much, but if there was a gun to my head, i'd say shes a bi cis woman?

mary doesn't like to label anything about herself, much less her sexuality. she goes with the flow.

(i don't think about her much bc i don't like her, also amanda abbington is an unspeakable terf)

irene adler

allo, lesbian cis woman.

irene didn't come out until her late 20s, struggled with A LOT of comphet, explaining what she thought was an "attraction" to sherlock. they're seriously just bros now, though.

irene actually couldnt really care less one way or another about how often she has sex, but she knows she's good at it and can use it to make money.

sally donovan

allo, bi trans woman

sally is t4t, and dating anderson. she lives stealth, almost nobody knows other than

philip anderson

allo, straight trans man

dating sally. anderson is quite insecure in his trans identity and used to be truscum, explaining the animosity between him and sherlock. he blamed himself a lot after the fall, and took a long hard look at himself and his politics, helped along by a kick up the arse from sally.

#sherlock holmes #bbc sherlock #sherlock headcanon #sexuality hcs #gender hcs #c: all

[pansyfemme]

i love that post about your parents. i'm not "straight passing" either. the concept of "straight passing privilege" is so insidious... like sorry but actively hiding my bisexuality is not a privilege! privilege is EASY. it's something handed to you. you're not supposed to fight to maintain it. bisexuals forced to suppress themselves and deny their self expression and censor themselves to appear straight is a difficult burden to bear. how can people say that's a privilege? great post, makes me emotional every time it crosses my dash.

ive been typing and retyping a response since i got this ask but genuinly thank you, i always love to hear that ppl enjoy the subject of my posts. at the time i was just. really frustrated with a lot of the rhetoric i was hearing about bisexuality, in particular like. on tiktok from other queer kids my age. To me, it never rlly made sense the idea of inherit privlage from being bisexual, bc like. when i ask my dad about it, who is 62 now and has known he was bi since he was a teenager, he tells me very honestly about his expereinces. experiences i feel so deeply connected to myself, even as someone who's not bi. Growing up with adult queer role models, i ended up feeling a lot more connected with expereinces that aren't identical to my own than i think a lot of other kids do. I relate a lot to, for example, my dad's story about the first time he danced with a guy. He was in colllege in boston, a punk band that i still listen to with him to this day were playing an impromptu show in a dining hall. My dad didn;t want to dance, but the guy who asked him was cute, and he didn't know how to explain that yes, he would like to hang out but not dance in a few words- so they danced. even as someone with a very small list of romantic experiences, someone who wasn't able to expereince boyhood until after puberty, and even just being someone who lives in a signifigantly different time and social climate- i still stick with that story, i still relate to it. Something i really hate about the online culture in queerness these days is this idea of total seperation of identity. I do, truthfully believe that yes, there should be spaces for different identites to dicuss only amongst themselves- god knows that every time i see a place for only trans ppl i jump at the oppritunity- but i also think that allowing yourself to dicuss amongst ppl with differing experiences is equally as valuable. ive noticed that a lot of other young gay trans men like me, especially on other socials like tiktok have this like. weird idea in their heads that they CANNOT and WILL NOT relate to anyone who is or is even attracted to women. and its like. i mean, most of these guys r freshly out and really afraid of being labeled as a woman but i think its a good example of how limiting that kind of cross identiy conversation because you believe that no one else can possibly understand ever leads to a really warped idea of how things work- and in this case, straight up homophobic and misogynistic. sorry to go on a tangent there but thats one of my biggest examples i can think of rn..

Like. in short, idenitiy is a blur. gay experiences can be trans experiences can be bi experiences can be lesbian expereinces,.. etc. i don't feel comfortable saying that bi people have an inherit privilage when theres infinate reasons that could or could not make that true for that particular person. It's simply not accounting for the wide variety of bisexual experiences out there. 'Straightpassing' as a term has always bothered me because of its non-specificity. straightpassing as like, cispassing? in that way, i would say that any couple who appears to be straight to the average person is straightpassing, which can, in fact include same gender relationships, since gender and sexuality can't be accuratly assessed by looks alone. but i know saying that, someone will be like, nonono, only m/f relationships can be straightpassing, in which i ask, okay. so is it really straightpassing, or can we just say m/f relationship. can we just say that, bc like. using the term straightpassing about every m/f relationship makes another assumption- that the parties involved in the relationship are both presenting in ways that are typically seen as gender conforming amongst other things. yeah, there are abolutly couples involving bi people that, without the bi person being out, will never be seen as anything other than a cisgender heterosexual relationship- but saying that bisexuals as a whole have some emcompasing privlage because of the possiblity of being in one type of relationship out of the infinate kinds they could be in is kinda. misinformative.

the idea that a bi person is treated better than a gay person is so far from universally true that i really don't get the argument. yes, there are people who it matters to greatly that someone is bi rather than gay, those people exist. but i can also say, that for a lot of homophobic people, when a man is attracted to men for example, the issue isn't really is if he's also attracted to women- its that inital attraction to men that is the bigger issue. there are people who prefer bi people over gay people, yes. there are a lot of different types of homophobia out there. i just, really really don't think its as simplified as people think.

if anyone tries to claim to me ever that something about a queer identity is always true and definined.. im gonna doubt it. it's just not that easy to say that every bi person experiences things this way or every lesbian experiences things that way.. its just not true. queerness is almost always part of an intersection of idenity- its not really fair to say something is inherinitly true when the labels of queer idenity aren't even rigidly defined. a lot of people belive that bi has a strict and unchanging defintion- and a lot of those strict and unchanging definitions are different from eachother. the language exists as a way to connect common ideas- the term was created because there was a need for it. it doesn't however, need people to see it exactly the same way for people to make sense of it for themselves. i think the term 'umbrella term' is a good one, but i'd argue that most terms work in a similar way- they emcompass a variety of experiences. sometimes, even people who share the same "strict" definition unknowingly have major differences in how they interpret it- the term and the language is not advanced to the point where we can read eachothers minds and 'prove' that we are queer enough. i think it's just like. cool man, like its cool to be able to share experiences, to have community with eachother.

im glad you liked my post, it was sweet of you to say hi. well wishes

[discyours]

I don't want to be the cynical lesbian about this bc it's your life but like, you say you've never sought out straight relationships and that your internalized homophobia is so strong you can't date women, yet somehow you've only ended up with this guy (who you feel the need to tell us you find ugly bc?) Idk, we (lesbians) have tinier dating pools and a lot of internalized homophobia also and some have OCD too and we manage to date women just fine? Even if it takes long to find the one. Idk, I don't want to dismiss your experiences with internalized homophobia/biphobia and religious shit because that's hard, but it just feels weird how you still have to reassure the anon who asked you about how you're still heavily SSA and you're not even that attracted to this guy (why would you be with someone who you took a long time to be consistently attracted to??? That's just weird?) Idk it just feels like you're still doing the thing the other bisexual woman you criticize in your response also do ("I'm still heavily SSA!" "I don't even find him attractive!"). Like, maybe you're not as heavily SSA as you think if dating women was that hard (I'm not saying you don't like them, I'm saying that if the majority of your attraction is towards women, because some of us have those same mental issues too and we do it, because it makes us happy and helps from the fucked up shit) and it's fine to say that you're attracted to your boyfriend, you're bi, that's normal (if you honestly aren't, idk what you're doing but if you're happy...)

When I said the dating pool is tiny I was referring to the f/f dating pool, which is obviously the same for lesbians as it is for bi women (maybe excluding some lesbians who don't want to date bi women and some bi women who don't want to date lesbians).

90% of bi women end up with a man because when it's between that tiny dating pool (which you're heavily discouraged from entering because of homophobia) and one that's literally 10x bigger, it's obvious where the statistics push you. And that doesn't mean it's inevitable for bisexual women to end up with a man, or that we lack free will, but if you're neutral about it that's where you're likely to end up. Even moreso if you're not neutral about it because you desperately want to be free of homophobia. I don't get the argument behind "lesbians manage to date women just fine even if it takes them a long time" like that somehow means I have no excuse for same sex relationships to not have worked out for me so far? I'm in my early 20s, plenty of lesbians my age haven't been able to make it work yet either. The only difference is that because men are in my dating pool and not in theirs, their only options are self acceptance or staying single.

I was mocking bisexual women who act like it's a pure coincidence that they ended up with a man, and ones who insist that being het attracted/in a het relationship doesn't make them any less "queer". You will never catch me doing either one of those. "I'm mostly SSA but I'm in a straight relationship" =/= "My straight relationship is still queer and I'm basically just a lesbian with one singular exception". You're free to find it weird that I even bother to point out that I wasn't attracted to my boyfriend at first (I am now, if that wasn't clear enough) but that's relevant to how my sexuality works, so I'm inclined to mention it if someone asks about my sexuality.

Dating women was hard for me because I'm so heavily attracted to them. If I just mildly liked them my OCD probably wouldn't have been so eager to latch on to the idea that I'm a monstrous predator being possessed by satan. And I still slept with a woman despite feeling that way because the attraction was so strong, but strong mutual attraction is not enough to build a relationship on. It doesn't compensate for being with someone who can't cope with the guilt they feel for loving you. Most people with a reasonable sense of self preservation aren't gonna be inclined to get into or continue a relationship with someone who's constantly jumping back and forth between being really happy to be with you and feeling the need to commit suicide because god might consider it to be a lesser sin than the things they'd do if they stayed alive.

Tbh I think your complaints come down to frustration that women who have even a tiny bit of capacity for OSA are able to escape homophobia to a much greater degree than lesbians. That doesn't feel fair (and it isn't!) which leads to a need to assume that we're actually way more attracted to men than we let on.

#anon #suicide mention #homophobia tw

[scarrletmoon]

"the beauty of queer people is how often we can't be easily defined" - tag on a post ab trans men

to clarify first, i do not want to come off as confrontational, i'm just curious and idk if you have any interest in discussing this bc i dont know you but

i'm bi, a lot of my favorite people are gay or trans, and that comes off as a really weird statement? it's *the* beauty of, exclusively. what about when it's perfectly easy to define? a man saying, i exclusively like other men, for example?

why, and again i say this purely from a position of trying to get it, is being particularly undefinable an achievement? does confusing people help with something? is it more important in general for advocacy than ppl being simply gay? i'm kinda new to everything lgbtq+ online and trying to figure everything out

god sorry this is long but thanks for coming to this with an open mind

i said "often" and not "always" specifically because you're right. sometimes someone finds a label or identity that fits them, and is perfectly simple. that's fine!

i'd push back on "perfectly easy to define" though, bc that's often where i think people miss one of the most interesting parts of the queer community, which is how we challenge existing social "rules" by just existing. like, a lesbian is a woman attracted only to women, right? but feminists used to say that lesbians aren't women, bc you have to be attracted to men to be a woman. so are lesbians women? or a third gender? and who gets to define that (i'd argue, not homophobic feminists)?

you don't HAVE to know the nuances to identity as whatever makes sense for you, but what i'm talking about here is like, reading a book in high school vs specializing in a literary topic in graduate school. do you need a master's degree in Romantic Literature to understand Frankenstein? of course not. but it sure helps you dig out the nuances that weren't obvious to you until you learned more.

i also didn't say being undefinable is an achievement either, just an aspect of of queerness. any of our identities can be confusing -- me being a bi nb person who often presents femme but uses he/him pronouns confuses the shit out of some people, but not others. and who are my labels confusing to? the labels i use aren't always for other people to understand. they're how i communicate with other queer people. but they're mostly how i understand myself. cishet people don't have to understand me to respect me. my labels aren't for them. they're for me.

when i personally talk about "confusing" or "weird" labels, i'm assuming an audience of other like-minded queer people who're familiar with things like he/him lesbians and trans men who aren't men and people with neogenders. i didn't come out of the gate knowing any of this stuff. i learned about it by seeing weird stuff and thinking "i don't get it, but it's not my job to GET it and i can still respect this person even if i don't understand their identity". and eventually, it clicked. like, it took me years to understand neogenders. and once i did, it was fucking awesome! it's a way of looking at and playing with gender that made ME more free to mess around with gender and figure out how i feel

not everyone has to do this! if saying "im bi" works for you, fuckin cool! if saying "i'm a non-binary trans woman who uses cat/catself pronouns" that's awesome!

i guess what i'm trying to say is that queer identity isn't ALWAYS straightforward and i think we could learn a lot from each other by being open to weirdness. and like i said, you don't have to do any of that shit at all. most queer people aren't this deep into queer studies and they don't need to be in order to still be queer. i just think it's neat™️

#scarrlet answers #queer theory is FASCINATING but im also a huge nerd about shit like this so like #i fully get that some people dont give a fuck #and for others it can be confusing and intimidating and feel like you can't be queer if you don't know bell hooks inside out or something #but there's no entry fee for being queer #you can just exist exactly as you are on whatever terms work for you

[galactichelium]

Don't reblog. This is a personal post.

I have such a complicated relationship with gender, like... Ok this is going below a read more bc I ramble a bit but if you were ever curious abt my gender stuff. Well. It's there.

I'm bigender, which on its own makes things complicated, but then it's also like. While one of my genders is straightforward (literally just being "man"), the other I find a lot more difficult to explain. I guess if I had to though, I'd say it feels very vaguely woman-aligned, and attached to some aspects of sapphic culture. I've had trouble saying this publicly up until now (because of how weird people are about non-lesbians using these labels), but how I've described it in private for like almost a year is that it feels very attached to specifically butch aspects of sapphic culture, but without being a woman. I know any queer person can be butch before anyone thinks or says it, in fact, in private I had been calling myself butch in more of a man way for a year before realizing I was bigender in this way. That my butch-ness was separate from my man-ness. I ended up realizing this because, while calling myself butch in private felt more accurate, there was something still wrong. And May last year I figured out why that was. So yeah I've been sitting on this for awhile lmfao.

If you've been following me for 3+ years, you've probably seen that I've in the past had a habit of flip-flopping with identities, and I think that's because, well, I'm bigender, and despite knowing abt bigender people, it just never occurred to me that I could be two genders simultaneously. I've now stuck with bigender for almost a year, which I'm pretty sure is the longest any label has stuck lmfao.

I tend to get gender euphoria from gender statements that some would see to be inherently contradictory, for example, anyone remember that one shirt going around for a bit that said "I'm not a girl but my boyfriend is"? Peak gender. And I'm obviously comfortable with being called all masculine terms, exclusively or otherwise. But the same isn't true with feminine terms. Most of the time I only like them when they are mixed in with masculine terms. I also wouldn't like a cis person to refer to me with feminine terms at all.

This whole thing also makes my relationship with the word "sapphic" very complicated. Because it's like, yes, in some aspects, I do feel like it would be accurate to describe myself as such. However, part of me is also adverse to it, because then I get worried people will think I'm more woman-aligned than I actually am. So then there's "trixic". But I don't really wanna call myself that either, because it's too ambiguous. Anyone nonbinary who is attracted to women can use that. And I guess there's also the whole thing that I'm obviously aspec, and due to that, haven't technically been attracted to a woman in practice. But I still know I'm bi because I know gender is completely irrelevant from my attraction. I guess it's weird in that, while gender is irrelevant from my attraction, my attraction is relevant to my gender. So I've always struggled with whether to call myself "sapphic" or "trixic".

So yeah. Gender. Complicated.

#Thank u genuinely if u take the time to read all this 😭 I know it's a lot but it's a lot I've wanted to say for so long #Iron text

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

Hey. I'm not very proud of it and I'm sorry in advance. I don't know what to do to cure my biphobia. The other day I felt really triggered at the reminder that bi/pan girls in most of the cases end up with men. In part it's probably because of society, but it still makes me feel like I'm just a little funny distraction until they find their perfect men. I know I'm projecting my insecurities and I'm aware it's wrong, I just don't know how to fix it.

Well, firstly thanks for recognising this as a problem and wanting to do better. I have a post about internalised biphobia and even if that doesn't apply to you if you're not bisexual yourself (since that's what the "internalised" part refers to) you might still want to have a look at it. Some of those tips could also help non-bisexual people to overcome biphobia. (You didn't specifiy your own sexuality here, so I'm not sure if you are bi/pan yourself or a lesbian.)

Most of all you just gotta keep reminding yourself that those biphobic thoughts are wrong and if you do that often enough you might be able to "rewire" your brain and dissolve the prejudices. Also inform yourself about what biphobia actually is and what different aspects of it look like. I have another older post about that as well but please also use other resources for more varied information.

I would also like to add some perspective on the "end up with a man" thing because that's the example you brought up here. Yes, a lot of bisexual women are in relationships with men. That can be because of societal pressure and bc they cannot come out as bisexual OR simply because the dating pool of men who are attracted to women is much larger than the dating pool of women who are attracted to women. It's maths. Basically there are more men available than women who are potential partners for a bisexual woman. Then ask yourself: why would it be "worse" if a woman you like or used to date "ends up" dating a man instead of another woman. If you break up with someone they have every right to seek out a new relationship and though I understand that it could hurt to see your ex with a new partner - I'm genuinely curious why you think that would be worse if that new partner was a man? Also I keep seeing it phrased as "ending up with a man" which to me (as a non-native speaker at least) sounds like a very negative thing as if being with a man is the less desirable outcome compared to being with a woman. Maybe if you are a lesbian that is a valid statement for your own life but for most bi and pan women it isn't? If a bi women dates a man and is happy with him then you should be just as happy for her as you would be if she dated a woman and was happy with her. It's very unfair (and, yes, biphobic!) to view a relationship between a bi/pan woman and a man as a negative outcome.

Next up you should reconsider your perspective on bi/pan women's "level of queerness". You say you are afraid to just be a "funny distraction until they find a man" as if the attraction, love and desire that bi/pan women feel for other women wasn't as strong as that if a lesbian's. That's a huge disservice to all bi and pan women who are just as queer as lesbians are. There is no hierarchy of queerness!! Bi and pan women's queerness and our queer desires don't have a lower value than that of lesbians. So when we (bi/pan women) are in a relationship with another women we have the capacity to be just as committed as a lesbian can be in the same position. Maybe you think that attraction to men somehow takes away from attraction to women but that is not how bisexuality works. We aren't part-gay/part-straight, but instead always 100% bi or pan.

I guess on some level you know all that or else you wouldn't even have messaged this blog. It's just to give you some more perspective and ideas about where your prejudices might lie. Some of them can go very deep all the way to thinking that men are somehow inherently worse human beings than women and so any woman attracted to men is automatically "tainted". You might not think that consciously and might never express such a belief but it is possible to internalise that stuff - especially online where radfem rhetoric is rampant.

Again, keep holding yourself accountable whenever you catch yourself having a biphobic thought. Acknowledge that it is biphobia and don't find excuses for it. And most of all: behave in a way that's better than your thoughts. We all sometimes think terrible things and it is important to unlearn prejudices and stereotypes but also what matters is how we actually treat people. So be kind and open-minded towards bi/pan women. And if you date one, trust her and belief her that the attraction and love she has for you is real. If you cannot wrap your mind around that then there might also be some self-esteem issues in play here. And should a relationship end with a bi/pam woman and she later dates a man? So what? She simply moved on and found a new partner. It doesn't matter what that person's gender is. Even if she literally leaves you for someone else and that person turns out to be a man, that doesn't reflect badly on bisexuality as a whole or the entire population of bi/pan women. It also doesn't have to mean her feelings for you were fake.

Maddie

[soggypotatoes]

Its not judging people based off their genitals. Lesbians are physically not attracted to penis. That's it. You can not be attracted to a certain genitalia without shaming someone or invalidating their gender identity.

But as a lesbian, if you were dating someone and they had a penis, you're not a lesbian. That's it. That doesn't make you a 'bisexual lesbian' it literally just. Makes you bisexual. Because you like penis. Bisexual doesn't inherently mean 'into men and women.' It can mean 'into women and non-binary people.' Or 'into women and bi-gender people.'

Lesbianism does not, has not and never will mean the enjoyment of penis.

You're so obsessed with not appearing transphobic you're literally being lesbophobic.

HAHA oh lord... you have spent way too long staring into a screen, haven't you? babes, the world outside is a lot more complex than that, you are, frankly, deluded.

first up, you are assuming that sex and genitalia play a part in every lesbian relationship. it doesn't. sometimes, people are asexual, or don't have sex for a number of reasons. i can date someone with a penis, without being attracted to penises. i don't have to have sex with someone who has a penis in order to be attracted to them.

but that's kind of besides the point.

who are you to dictate who is and is not a lesbian? seriously, i would like your credentials. were you elected to your position? i know i didn't vote for you. just to be clear, i don't think i have the right to tell people whether or not they're a lesbian either. if someone id's as a lesbian and is not attracted to people with penises, i'd say it might be a good idea to examine whether or not transphobia plays into that, but i'm not going to judge and say you're a bad person or anything. cause people are complex! i'm not going to say you have to be attracted to penises, because you don't! you make your own decisions on how you interact with the world, and who you date. seriously, i would never force someone to interact with a penis if they didn't want to, that's awful. and it'd be weird, y'know, to try and manipulate what kind of genitals someone should be attracted to. so why are you doing that to me? why is it any of your business? wouldn't it be easier to just go your own separate, penis-free way and ignore me?

lord, i have so much i could say here, but honestly, i'm not sure it's worth it cause you seem pretty set in your ways. i do wish you would examine this though - consider why it means so much to you that people identify the way you think they should. have you been invalidated a lot in the past? do people not take your sexuality seriously? do you see how acting this way invalidates others?

as an aside, the glorious thing about words is that their meanings are not fixed. we change what words mean all the time, because language is living, it grows depending on how it's used. with these queer labels especially, usage varies from person to person, and that's not a bad thing. if being a lesbian to you means you're only attracted to afab women, you go do that, i really, really don't care (as long as you don't go around dictating that your definition is the only one, like you're doing here). if a bisexual person id's as bisexual because they're attracted to women and non binary people, that's fine. personally, i don't see 'non binary' as a third gender. it's a spectrum that overlaps with *all* the genders. it doesn't mean one thing. so *to me, personally,* it makes no sense to consider myself bi bc i'm attracted to woman + nb people. because nb people aren't always necessarily separate from women, and there's a vast range of nb people i wouldn't be attracted to!! i also find that 'lesbian', in 99% of people's minds, excludes men, which is a main part of why i id as a lesbian. so that men don't flirt with me, and so people assume that i'm not attracted to men. that doesn't mean i think it *always* excludes men, though, it just excludes men for me. honestly, i know nothing about bisexual lesbians, i've never met someone who id's as one, i've never read about them, i don't know what it means to be a bisexual lesbian bc i'm not one. i just assume it means something to them, and there's a strong personal reason why they use the term lesbian, and i leave it at that.

do you get what i'm saying here? i really hope you do, though i feel it's unlikely.

seriously though. you're making a lot of black and white claims here. if you'd like, message me again, and link some sources. tell me where you're getting this from. how official is your decision on what a lesbian is and isn't? i would really like to know.

edit: oh, something i do wanna say just quickly. i do think there are valid reasons why someone might not want to interact with a penis, specifically. if someone has trauma related to penises, it is so valid to decide you never want to have sex involving one again. but i don’t think that inherently excludes trans people - some amab people do not have penises, after all, and some don’t like to use them, and again, you can have a relationship without sex. i still think it’s a good idea to examine any transphobia inherent to this avoidance, but i don’t think it’s always necessarily transphobic to feel this way. it’s unique to the individual, as with all things. but to decide that other people have to subscribe to your personal feelings on the matter is ludicrous. that’s all.

edit again: WAIT lol i forgot to address the bit in your ask about how lesbian never meant enjoyment of a penis or whatever. ‘lesbian’ once only meant ‘resident of the isle of Lesbos’. did you forget that? it’s a term that’s had many meanings in the past. and ‘bisexual’ is a much younger term, at one point, lesbian included bisexuality - it became something that meant ‘attracted to women’ in general. bisexuals were absolutely included in that. you forget that our perception, these terms, they’re all very recent! you can’t make blanket statements like that, it’s blatantly incorrect!! do some real research, outside twitter, PLEASE!!! again, read some queer theory by older people, outside of the internet, i’m begging you. or go to some offline queer meetups, specifically ones that cater to older queer people who might not be in the same circles as you. it is so, so, vitally important. for all of us.

#ed mumbles #asks #anonymous #also im not obsessed with not appearing transphobic haha #i have a strong personal interest in examining the transphobia built into me and working on that #i love trans people. i have a lot of trans friends. it is in my best interest to protect them and do better #transphobia //

[butchbarbieagainstterfs]

Hi, I hope you're doing well! I've seen reoccuring situations where TERFs, if they encounter anyone AFAB (mostly trans men or NB people) and find some anime or shows on their blog involving mlm ships or general mlm content, and will call them "fetishizers". Not only that but what really rubs me the wrong way if how they will ASSUME that it's just a "confused hetero girl" getting off to gay men, even though from what I've seen personally, most cis women who ship mlm are either lesbians or bi themselves.

Another thing that I saw recently is how some TERFs said that most of these mlm couples in media are written by women or then by men but for the purpose of luring in straight women fetishizers. They then went on to say that in every single show you can tell if the mlm couple was written by a man or a woman because when women write gay men they tend to come off "too nice and too emotional" and not like the cishetero evil men TERFs think all men are. And I don't know if it's just me but that seems vaguely... homophobic? Implying that gay men's relationships are all bad and toxic because all men are like that kind of rubs me the wrong way and paints them as evil abusers and predators like homophobes claim.

Now, obviously I don't like gay couples that were written in a homophobic manner, but the thing is, most of the time in these shows it's not even confirmed. Some might argue it's queerbait but the relationship between those teo male characters is usually very good and understanding. So for TERFs to claim that "that's how women see gay men's relationships but they're not REALLY like that in real life" is kind of shitty. Sure, a lot of men are more rough than women but claiming that no man can ever be capable of being kind, understanding, loving and caring is jist plain wrong. Especially when it comes to queer cis men because I've met multiple and had them as friends and they were much more caring than hetero men.

I hope this is coherent but yeah, I wanted to ask your opinion about that? And if you also find it kind of homophobic?

Yeah that sounds very homophobic imho. They do love to drag down gay men at times and it’s beyond disgusting. I agree more gay men should be the ones actually writing gay men but like saying that’s the issue with women writing them? That they’re “too nice and emotional”? Yikes.

(And the misogyny! “Women are too emotional” hello?)

Also on the fetishisation thing: cis straight women do fetishise mlm sometimes but generally those women tend to be very open about the fact they’re cishet.

And the reason TERFs think this way about the shipping thing is not only bc of their transphobia but bc they often view romantic relationships as being all about sex basically. I’ve been called a sexually repressed weirdo by one bc I said I wasn’t that interested in sex.

When I ship something, it doesn’t necessarily mean I want to see them bone, it just means I like their dynamic and like the idea of them being together. That doesn’t have to be about sex. I’m a lesbian and have m/m ships, like ????

#anti terf #my stuff

[winepresswrath]

okay ik ppl can ship whoever they want and i usually don't mind but...it kinda irks me when the fandom ships wen qing and yanli bc like. yanli is in love with zixuan!!! he loves her back!!! they're married!!! they have a kid!!! (and no im not gonna use past tense it hurts too much) what part of this is hard to understand???? like ive seen ppl get pressed when someone ships a canonically gay character with someone of the opposite sex (and i get that it's because they feel they're trying to "normalise" them by making them straight) so why do ppl do the same with straight characters?

Aw, anon, I feel you on the xuanli shipping but a) I think you’ve come to the wrong place because I’m also plenty fond of Yanli/Wen Qing (qingli? yanqing? i’m a multishipper and i can’t help myself) and b) there’s a pretty big difference between depicting or imagining characters who have canonically been in relationships with and experienced attraction to members of the opposite sex in queer relationships and portraying gay characters in relationships with people of the opposite sex. For one thing, there’s nothing in canon that tells us Yanli isn’t a bi woman who just happens to be in a relationship with a dude in canon. Shipping her with Wen Qing isn’t actually any different from shipping her with Mingjue or Xichen. People are sometimes going to look at a canon ship and be like “but what if” no matter how good that ship is.

More importantly, there’s a lot of baggage surrounding the depiction of queer people in media that is pretty directly and unpleasantly related to the fact that many straight people still think that a) we shouldn’t exist and b) they have a right to pretend we don’t that is being violated every time we hold hands in public or write ourselves into stories or their fellow straight people, looking at the world around them and then seeking to depict that world in their art, include us rather than airbrushing us out for their convenience. Writing gay characters as straight isn’t bad because it normalizes the character, it’s bad because it contributes to a homophobic culture that tells queer people, and gay and lesbian people in particular, that their existence is somewhere between evil and an imposition, and they’re abnormal or depraved or just going through a phase and one day they’ll meet the right person and settle down to live heterosexually ever after.

There is a tendency in fandom to declare that female characters who, in canon, are depicted as being in love with or attracted to men are lesbians, and I am very sympathetic to the generalized exhaustion with he was a boy/she was a girl relationships, compulsory heterosexuality, and the general lack of lesbian representation that I think underlies a lot of that impulse. I personally am basically always exhausted by comphet and want more queer women of all kinds in everything. I am nevertheless also occasionally a little frustrated with what sometimes feels less like a desire for more lesbian content and more an excuse to sideline female characters and declare shipping them with popular male characters off limits. I also get being frustrated by being told that a relationship you really like and enjoy and has lots of canon support is somehow bad or invalid. I fully support you in going forth with a xuanli OTP and refusing to consider any other options and being lowkey irritated that other people do not see the truth and the beauty and the light! But people who ship Yanli and Wen Qing are not doing anything wrong.

#in the same way if you're doing a reboot or a re-imagining of an older property #changing things up so that previously straight white male characters #are queer or women or poc #or all three! is generally considered somewhere between nice and essential #but straightwashing and whitewashing are widely considered shitty #and being like i know what would improve this story... fewer women is also considered shitty #writing gay characters as straight is shitty #and writing gay characters as bi is how shall we say #inordinately fraught and likely to be hurtful to gay people #not because being bi is bad or less queer than being gay or a lesbian #but because a lot of people have been really badly harmed by homophobic narratives about how they just have to meet to right man or woman #and rewriting a bi character to be gay is going to make bi people who have experienced biphobia and bi erasure feel like shit! #and just to further complicate everything and make me think i probably shoulda left this ask in my inbox it's actually very common irl for #people to use different labels at different times in their life and plenty of people do identify one way or the other and then go huh #and many characters do not explicitly say or exist in a time and place where our labels would not apply and they would not think of #themselves as gay or bi anyway! and then we all get to form a circular cancelling squad about it #but at no point is writing a character who has experienced opposite sex attraction or identified as straight as #something other than a kinsey 0 going to hurt straight people the way straightwashing hurts #queer people #irl obviously respect how people identify regardless that's just manners #but characters only have the feelings or opinions we give them

[umbylievable]

Passed the fuck out last night but to add a thought to that post I reblogged about "divine love between two women," I actually don't think the attraction between two women is the same as between a cishet man and woman but that's about the socially informed constructs of gender and queerness of thought and not like. "Men are inherently less pure." Like I would say the love between two women is comparable to the love between a Bi man and woman, for example, bc they share a certain break from social norms by both being queer that sort of bridges the essentialist gender gap that heteronormative society creates.

I also think saying queerness and queer love is sacred isn't necessarily a bad thing, and some people are definitely using that phrasing to be encouraging and not trying to be essentialist, but the post was more aimed at TERF purity rhetoric, which I see a lot esp amongst cis white lesbians. (Their profiles on okcupid be creepy af)

[bi-lesbian]

For me, I ID as fem-aligned, but I don't ID as a woman and being addressed as so (by anyone else besides me, and I say it jokingly) causes major dyphoria. I hate that there are people who only see me as woman-lite. I'm not. If a woman is interested in me, they either have to face the fact that they're into nonbinary people OR face the fact that they see me as women-lite and not as our actual genders. Also not long ago many Tumblr lesbians who said that liking nonbinary folx meant you were bi.

yeahh i getcha :Oo honestly nonbinary attraction is kinda tricky bc its hard to tell if someone is nonbinary or not (and same goes for the binary genders too sometimes) and where they may fall on the enby spectrum (aligned, unaligned, etc), so i feel like people need to generally accept that theyre probably going to find attraction to nonbinary people at some point. and also be respectful about it and not see them as something besides nonbinary (after learning they are such) unless they themselves identify as something in addition to it :O

this is kinda why i like using "bi lesbian" so much, gender is broad and people have different kinds of presentations or just General Look- i cant really identify properly what peoples genders are just by looking at them. so while most of my attraction is focused on loving women, i know not everyone im attracted to is a girl, and i dont see all of them as such. i use lesbian to say majority people i like are women (meaning also enbies who are woman-aligned), but im also bi in that some people i like are enbies (of any gender) or even men, theyre just all generally feminine* or androgynous (and also with me being bigender/fluid im gay no matter the gender so jgkdjf)

(*"feminine" for lack of a better word, because im also attracted to people like butch women, but idk what word to use for "feminine people or people with general girlish-like features" ?? bc i kinda see "feminine" meaning generally that but ik others dont use it that way and dont wanna be called feminine :Oo so idk if i should use just feminine or,)

also yeah a lot of people say that if you like women and enbies then youre bi, then a lot of others say that if you like women and enbies then youre just a lesbian, and others say bi means liking all genders.. and i just wish people could just accept and allow people to define themselves however they want?? labels like these vary person by person, theres general definitions for them, but like Many many words, They Mean Slightly Different Things To Different People. when it comes to nonbinary genders, people are allowed to label their attraction whatever the hell they want, because nonbinary genders are vast and some can fall into any sort of labels. and its exactly why some people use both lesbian and bi because For Their Views Of The Labels, both of them apply to their attraction!!!! im just tired of people acting like they can define The One Specific Definition of labels for every single other queer person in the world. thats not how these labels work !!!!!!

#bi lesbiask #bi lesbian #explanation #i feel like my brain is slowing down rn so i hope i like. worded everything well jgksjf