#life said 'lol. get rotated nerd.'

[made-of-ghosts-and-fire]

i never gave my all in anger when you were around. no competition even when constantly competing.

#only once i gave it my all #racing with our separate baggages weighing us down #it came to a draw #i hated losing #from then on i became okay with losing #idk why #maybe because i wanted to keep the belief in my heart that i could always be better than circumstances #so i never gave my all because it was extremely painful to do so #but for some reason... i gave my all with you #multiple occasions of this kind were drawn out of me #and i dont think ever again #except for college #idk #life said 'lol. get rotated nerd.' #only leaves are left #no flowers #only leaves #and the leaves hold onto me. not i them until i crave from exasperated desperation #my unwanted survival response #where the fuck did yours go #to the grave with you i guess #lucky

[rouiettes]

raya and the ugliest fucking dragon i've ever seen holy fuck who the hell thought to give a dragon fuckiNG EYEBROWS WHY WHY—

aka the musings of a filo non-binary bisexual who feels victimized by the dragon designs of this fucking movie supposedly centred around THE LAST DRAGON???? MAYBE THEY SHOULD HAVE STAYED STONE GDI WHAT THE FUCK SERIOUSLY WHY DO THE DRAGONS LOOK LIKE THAT

let's get one thing straight.

none of the characters in this movie. rest assured. not a single straight person was in this movie. trust me.

raya and the last dragon had all the foundations of a good movie

IT COULD HAVE BEEN SO GREAT

BUT IT WASNT

AND HERE'S WHY

(in my humble opinion okay pls dont come for me)

a disney movie with sea culture at its heart and soul, i was so hyped to finally watch this movie

(not as hyped as i could have been tho bc let's be honest DISNEY DID SHIT WITH RAYA'S MARKETING)

(AND PERHAPS FOR GOOD REASON LOL I SWEAR I DONT HATE THIS MOVIE OKAY)

you had the amazing score, the amazing concepts for plot and characters, the solid solid worldbuilding???

if you just told me about how raya's setting and premise, i'd probably be "wow this movie sound like the whole package"

and then i'll actually watch the movie and have just as much trust issue as raya did :/

but i digress

A DISNEY MOVIE WITH SEA CULTURE AT ITS HEART AND SOUL

do you know how diverse sea culture is??? VERY

and one thing i was very happy to see was how raya handled it

it was by no means perfect but

the subtle shows of culture in the way the characters acted, and the environment of the movie was just CHEF'S KISS

not only that but the ideas the movie had in terms of its world and the people in it felt genuine, it felt alive

a dragon that isn't the typical fire-breathing lizard

characters who look like they could easily be my neighbours or children i've played with

instead of pandering to this movie felt like an actual homage to sea cultures

and for good reason bc seeing all those familiar names rolling in the credits had me feeling some type of way :")

also that fucking soundtrack gave me chills throughout my watch of the movie

okay now that we've got the things i actually like about the movie, let's talk about what i don't like

if there's one word i could use to describe disney's raya it would be: rushed

like i said in the beginning, all the groundwork for an astounding disney movie were already there

but all of it just goes to waste bc the plot and it's characters feel so Unfinished

the movie felt like a bullet-point presentation of the story

WHICH IS SO FUCKING DISAPPOINTING BC THE CHARACTERS SEEMED SO INTERESTING but all we got were shadows of what they could have been

cardboard cutouts of the archetypes they filled

i'm not asking for a bottomless well of depth, but i at least wanted more for the cast than just: angry misunderstood princess, angry misunderstood princess with an undercut, that one dancing kid from moana but with more spice, boss baby, and the mountain

and i get that they had to sacrifice some of their depth to keep the run time of the movie short but you have got to be better than this disney

i hate to compare but it felt like this movie tried to go beyond what moana gave us, and shot so far that it ended up back to where it started, and then stumbled back a few steps

AND IM NOT EVEN SAYING A DRAGON MOVIE WITH A BIG CAST IS IMPOSSIBLE

BC IT'S ALREADY BEEN DONE

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON DID IT THREE TIMES

and you'd think the plot for one of the few disney movies with a non-western setting would have more than just a macguffin considering how batshit sea folk tales can be

but you'd think wrong folks.

GENUINELY IT FELT LIKE THEY WERE ATTEMPTING SOMETHING BUT WERE SHORT OF BRINGING IT TO FRUITION

sure moana had a macguffin too with the heart of te fiti, but the heart itself wasn't the heart of the movie

it was the journey of moana and maui

it was that BEAUTIFUL TWIST WITH TE KA AND TE FITI

ALL DELIVERED WITH A NATURAL FINESSE THAT HAD YOU ON THE EDGE OF YOUR SEAT

YOU WERE ALONG FOR THE RIDE OF THE STORY INSTEAD OF QUESTIONING EVERYTHING THAT WAS GOING ON LIKE I WAS

maybe this was just me but like, i felt so bad for the friend who watched this movie with me bc all i could go on and on was how the plot felt like it was getting in the way of itself

why didn't the different kingdoms (??) kept the gem in rotation or smth, when did they decide that heart would keep it and then get mad at heart for keeping it????

why didn't awkwafina dragon just show herself to the kingdoms bc everyone seems to be in agreement that dragons good right? that they would be the key to getting rid of the druun right??? SO THEY'D ALL AT LEAST HEAR HER OUT OR SMTH RIGHT????????

and yes raya has trust issues but it seems to only spring up at the most convenient times plot-wise, we didn't really see her learn to trust other people again OTHER THAN THE TIMES WHERE SISU WOULD HAMFISTEDLY SHOVE IT DOWN OUR THROATS THAT SOME PEOPLE ARE GOOD SOMETIMES RAYA

we see it with boun, but then she just trusts noi, her monkeys, and tong THE GUY WHO STRUNG THEM UP AND WAS THREATENING TO TORTURE THEM????????

i'm gonna be honest and say that if it weren't for namaari i'd have absconded the moment sisu came on screen

as far as i'm considered the actual plot of the movie is just the entire sword fight scene between her and raya

and finally

we get to the part i will be erasing from my brain for my own mental well-being

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT DRAGON DESIGN

WHY OH WHY TH  E FUCK DOES SISU SOUND AND LOOK LIKE THAT

my friend said they looked like the ponies from mlp in 3d AND NOW I CAN NEVER UNSEE IT

THEY HAVE EYEBROWS THEY HAVE HUMAN FACES

HUMAN FACES ON MAJESTIC DRAGON BODIES

THE INTERNET HAS COLLECTIVELY DECIDED THAT SISU IS BASICALLY FURRY ELSA

every time we got a sisu close up i lost 5 years to my life

disney i am suing for damages

if you want me to drop the charges i demand raya 2: electric boogaloo but it’s just raya and namaari enemies to friends to lovers ark

and also for them to never say dragon nerds ever again

AGAIN. HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON GAVE US BEAUTIFUL DRAGON DESIGNS. HELL IF YOU WANTED MORE EASTERN LOOKING DRAGONS FUCKING SPIRITED AWAY??? HAKU??????????

AND YKNOW WHAT. SISU WOULDN'T EVEN LOOK THAT HORRIFIC IF THE MOVIE WAS IN 2D

im not the first person to be side-eying disney's decision to keep pumping out these 3d movies but like.

no amount of added dimensions could ever make that dragon design okay

and there so many more points i could go off on to show how this movie was rushed

how the other dragons, and even sisu's siblings whom she had been missing for the entire movie DIDNT MAKE A SINGLE SOUND???? NOT EVEN A FUCKING GROWL DISNEY???? DID YOU EVEN TRY WITH THE DRAGONS AT ALL??? THE SUPPOSED CENTRE OF THIS MOVIE'S PLOT?????????

HOW THE CHIEFS OF THE OTHER KINGDOMS WERE BASICALLY PLOT DEVICES????

THAT ONE CHIEF'S SKELETON WAS MORE INTERESTING THAN ANY OF THEM COMBINED ALIVE

kudos to that one granny chief though

u can never have enough bad ass old ladies

AND GOD THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS JUST FELT SO FORCED

ALONG WITH WHATEVER LESSON SISU WANTED TO IMPART ABOUT TRUST

LOVE THESE CHARACTERS THEY ARE FUNNY THEY ARE FRIENDS FOUND FAMILY

TRUST PEOPLE IF U WANT THEM TO TRUST U

TRUST PEOPLE OR ILL LITERALLY FUCKING KILL U

children aren't stupid disney. if you tell your story well enough, they'll pick up on the messages you want to give them. YOU DONT HAVE TO THRUST EVERYTHING IN OUR FACES

i was exhausted by the time i finished this movie

bc i really wanted to love it. i wanted to feel more for it than just: well, it's a movie :)

i dont hate this movie though like it's not even worth the energy for that

i think that ultimately, despite all my issues with it, this movie was a step in the right direction when it comes to having non-western stories being told by non-western people in big name productions

i'm glad raya and the last dragon exists

i just can't help but be dissapointed though bc this movie put so much effort into putting my people and culture at its forefront but at what cost???

good characters and story for a good setting and design????

does it have to be one or the other?????

DOES THE DRAGON HAVE TO HAVE EYEBROWS??????

#disney #raya and the last dragon #raya #namaari #rayaari #ratld #♡ ☆ #posted this without ranting in the tags #i jsut have so many feelings abt this movie okay like gosh #THATS WHY I WANTE D IT TO MAKE ME LOSE IT #AND I DID JUST NOT IN THE WAY I WANTED TO #FUCK YOU SISU

[ecto-american]

I think Ember’s entire self would have fit really well as being a deceased Kpop idol. Not just in terms of who she is as a character and it giving her more depth and personality that already matches her canon, but also give great social commentary on how toxic the music industry, especially Korea's, can be.

More detail explaining this under the cut.

Firstly a disclaimer: I was an absolute Kpop weeb in my high school years. I knew all the bands and dances and stuff, and thus I was somewhat exposed to the culture of Kpop. Since then, I kind of have gone back and done some researched and watched documentaries and the like (because I am a big sociology nerd), but I'm not that deeply invested in Kpop anymore. But this is a thought I've had for a long time, ever since I first began to hear some of the problems surrounding Kpop idols and such.

I also want to point out that I am not saying that Ember within canon is a deceased Kpop star. She clearly isn't, and I'm not trying to make a case as to why she is given canon evidence. I'm writing this because I really like this interpretation a lot better than what canon gave us. In my own personal headcanons and worldbuilding and rewrite fanfiction, Ember is a deceased Kpop star.

We got that squared away? Coolio. Let's start.

Now that “preface” or whatever is out of the way, I really want to begin this by giving some background on Korean pop, specifically the industry and the culture surrounding it, for those who don't know. This is going to give some much needed and important context behind what I'm about to say about Ember. I will also be providing as many sources as I can to this section, but a lot of this is really easy to find on google as well.

In Korea, to be a pop star: you basically have to be perfect. In your dance, music, appearance, your entire image is now basically the property of your manager. Plastic surgery is a massive deal in South Korea, and it's partly due to this.

When you get your contact, you basically have to go through a bootcamp, which involves: Limited contact with family and friends, dropping any romantic relationships or behaviors that would be deemed unwholesome (many companies even go as far as forbidding relationships so that fans can better “see” themselves as being with the idol, which increases sales), brutal training schedules and everything you do is so heavily monitored by your bosses. This has lead to many Kpop idols (especially women) to be dangerously underweight or to have eating disorders, 15 hour training days day after day, being fired for being in a relationship outside of their company's approval/against contract. It's caused literal deaths and mental breakdowns.

Of course, America has the eating disorder problem too, and long work days. But please take in mind: management in Korea actively pushes for these eating disorders and are almost applauded publicly for keeping their stars thin, while in America, it becomes an absolute scandal. And yes, America has long work days too, but in comparison to Korea, American musicians basically only release a single or two in a year, and an album about every three years or so. On average. Kpop groups are pressured to release one or two albums every year on top of regular singles. If you youtube Korean pop shows, there's so many examples of stars collapsing on stage due to exhaustion and hunger. And most of the time, they're forced to get back up and continue, compared to America where they're normally “hey show over”. There are some Americans who will go through with it, but it's normally stars who are determined to finish in spite. It's not a push by your boss to finish or be fired and blacklisted from the industry.

Kpop idols are often broke as fuck, so there’s not even that as compensations. Many literally don't get most of the proceeds from their music. Their contracts are often compared to being slave contracts by stars. One Kpop star even said that she and her group had to split one meal whenever they were on tour because they were in such poverty. Oh, a rising group, right? NO. It was one of the biggest fucking Kpop girl groups of the time, Stellar! But even if they were a brand spanking new group, what the fuck.

And why don't they leave? Because they wanna be famous and make music. It’s just that unfortunately, it’s a very saturated industry because the agencies literally just crank out so many idol groups every single year, thus leading to absolutely brutal competition. People are regularly rotated out and replaced within groups. Idol groups are regularly formed or disbanded There's lots of weekly programs and music competitions to see who's the best of the best. You're constantly ranked. You're constantly fighting for the top spot. Lots of Kpop idols have to really fight to get their name remembered or known. The best of the best get reknown internationally.

Okay I'm done with the background now, lol. But you get the jist! The Kpop industry is fucking brutal and needs a good social change. Though now that I've laid out a lot of this, you can kind of get the sense as to where I'm going with this.

Based on every appearance Ember has in the show, we can deduce two things: She hates adults and wants to be remembered.

What are two major problems within Kpop industries? Adults controlling these really young adults (normally freshly 18) trying to break into the industry that's hard to make a truly lasting impression on, that's trying to be remembered.

Ember, if we take her canonical song and the background information provided by interviews, is meant to have died in a fire after being stood up. But I think that she would much better fit as a character who died from the intense social, physical and mental pressures of being a Kpop star. Perhaps a Kpop star that was left forgotten in the crowd of idols, whether it's dying in an accident or suicide.

It’s just me, but I really personally don’t like the canon that she died in a fire because of a boy. It’s just really weak imo, and idk. I don’t like backstories based around a romantic interest like that, especially when it’s so bland. Ember is a fucking dead musician and rock star within canon, and that’s the best you can come up with? She died in a damn fire after a boy stood her up? No mentions that she was into music or something?

Of course, she likely wasn’t famous she died. She likely rose to fame post her death, but that’s still just really? Kind of a headscratcher in a sense? Ember deserves more. The given backstory of her death is literally so? Random imo? Given who she is in death? Unless her entire thing is about how she changed so much in death for a guy, which is kinda Hmm for me. But that’s most of canon lmao.

I feel like this Kpop idol angle would have been a much stronger backstory potential for her. It could paint her as this really hardworking idol, this incredibly talented musician and vocalist who just couldn't make the cut. Maybe she got fired for loving another idol. Perhaps she just wasn't up to the brutal industry standards of being a Kpop idol. It’s a backstory that clearly incorporates her musical talents within her life, and kind of gives her death more of an impact, that gives her more character depth. Whether she’s a perfectionist because of this or has such strong self esteem issues due to the pressures she experienced in life. All of this motivating her to work solely towards her goal, or making her realize that she just really wants to have a more relaxed life and do things like date freely and enjoy the peace and privacy she now likely can have.

Ember's powers would fit really well with this Kpop backstory too She can hypnotize people. Besides Kpop kind of literally hypnotizing a lot of people, it could be shown as a legitimate skill of hers, or something she gained in death as she hoped that she could truly charm an audience into remembering her. She wants to be remembered within canon. No matter the cost or sacrifice. The same kind of sacrifice and price many Kpop idols are forced to make and pay.

It gives her stronger motivations other than just being famous for the sake of being famous or to possibly get that one boy’s attention (? It really depends on your personal take). She wants to be famous to prove herself to a company that worked her to literal death or that basically rejected her, or as a personal dream finally achieved. She now has the power to destroy the adults that likely exploited her as slave labor that maybe made her die in poverty or after being another abuse victim.

To me, it’d help pack a better emotional punch and reasoning as to why she does what she does. Fame has much more meaning to her, it’s personal, losing it again would devastate her. At the end of Fanning the Flames, can you imagine how hysterical she might be if the entire sequence was an unintentional repeat of the events that lead her to her death? Why she’s so specifically disgruntled against adults other than the typical “teenage rebellion” to the point of turning them into slaves in Pirate Radio (which is? fucking wack considering how much better it’d be to use something else). Turning them into slaves just like they would have done to her for years, especially since it’s on exercise equipment. It’d bring personal satisfaction to possibly watch them run or bike or work out until they literally collapse like she might have done before. Then forced back on and continue. Hell, you can even explain as to why she kept her relationship with Skulker an apparent secret: she’s used to have to hiding a boyfriend or risk losing everything.

I would have loved to see her being used as a good social commentary on that industry specifically, but also as a hot take for the abuse that just happens in general too much within the music (and many other fame based industries).

If we're going by canon show airing date, Ember would have popped up right around the time Kpop was really making it's mark on American culture. America got really into Kpop in the mid-2000s and, as you can tell by BTS's popularity, is still going really strong. There's even an entire Wikipedia page about it, the Korean Wave. Whether you want to “modernize” DP or keep it in it's canon air date roots, this would still be a relevant possibility no matter where you personally like DP to fall on the IRL timeline.

While many Kpop stars are in groups, given her possible circumstances, she likely broke off to be a solo artist. If you've ever seen Kpop idol fashion, they're also very colorful! Very fashionable and interesting, and it'd be really cool to see more of that kind of fashion for her. The dances are very good too, well choreographed, and it'd just lead to really interesting possibilities as to how she looks and behaves on her stage.

I dunno man, I just feel like this is a really cool take. My personal take tbh, and I just think more people should think about deceased Kpop idol Ember.

#nick talks #headcanons #hcs #ember mclain

[unproduciblesmackdown]

you said random number so.. gimme 5, 17, 24, 26, 38, and 43

#epic thank you!!!! sorry this is so long, gang, but you know me. press J if you have that keyboard shortcut option

5)favorite fics?

soph nothingunrealistic’s!! click the link & peruse any of the dozen gifts to this world on ao3. also just go right to her writing tag

17)a fandom you wish more people were in/you had more people to talk to about?

well i don’t Really have an answer for this one, but just yesterday it was once again time to talk abt how jaclyn moriarty’s 4-book ashbury/brookfield YA series is a lot of fun and unusual in good ways, but like, i guess what with being published throughout the aughts and like, not being super obscure but also not being explosively popular, and idk maybe they were also more Known in australia than the US, and, idk, but there’s not exactly what you’d call a Fandom online, or even very many traces of one. and i just like to mention the series as Fun To Read because they are very lively and focus on girls and have a real variety of Girl Characters (and also some boy characters who are also varied and fun but that’s just a bonus) and in particular i like to talk about how the third book has a really Unusual Choice Of Protagonist (the unfun unpopular Best Grades by-the-book overachiever etc etc etc nerd girl, kinda having the personality that ppl misinterpret alana beck’s personality to be lol, like something of a killjoy goody-two-shoes lol, but also with that earnestness and drivenness that alana has as well)......and the format of each book is Epistolary, but in different and creative ways each time, and it’s fun how like, the characters who are telling the story (the ones whose letters are used and etc) rotate with each book [tho emily and lydia are Storytellers in the 2nd And 4th books] and it’s very neat how like, you do get that sense that just b/c someone’s not being Focused On as much from different people’s perspectives doesn’t mean they aren’t still existing and present and doing stuff and having their own story, even when that’s not being mentioned by whoever’s writing down the events that we’re reading. we love that sentiment. anyways i just like to always Promote them.

24)who are you at the end of this decade?

hmmm!! i mean in many ways i am who i have been the whole time but yknow, 2009 - 2019 was a tumultuous period. i was always furiously trying to think through Who Am I As A Person for various reasons, even though like, when you’re in ur mid-teens that’s always In Progress rather than there being a really set answer to be discovered, and for a while it was a lot of frustration with myself all “why are you like [this], why can’t you do [that] right,” etc etc. but eventually i had like, a better frame of reference for a lot of what was going on, and even why i never quite felt like i had a great sense of Who I Am and What I Like and etc in the first place, and more understanding and respect for myself lol. even now it’s like, yknow i’m ~self-consious~ in ways often lol and i’ll sometimes Use that to be like, okay try to improve [this thing] about yourself!! and yknow on the one hand i feel like stuff i’ve been Working On for years Has paid off in ways, but then recently it’s like......okay hang on but like, it’s not a bad thing to like, have some traits that maybe aren’t gonna be seen as “perfect” or might be annoying or yknow, your Demeanor and Vibe isn’t always like, the most important thing to focus on lol or something where like, oh being sweet & saintly & coming across as utterly pleasant to everyone always gets to be The Objective Ideal. like, i’m opinionated and can be argumentative and sometimes impatient?? like, there’s a balance here between “good to be trying to Improve Yourself always or whatever lol” and “but also everyone is People with Traits and Different Personalities and everyone doesn’t have to just sand themselves down into an edgeless smooth sphere” and like, sure it’s like “haha i’m a bit more temperamental than i’d like still” but also i sure sympathize w/ the fact that like, oof, depression makes it tricky sometimes! and i do pretty okay at like, being Aware of when my mood is cursed and trying to be as chill about it as poss! or like, “haha wish i was better at conversation lmao” but yknow also understanding that like.....i’m just kinda Not great at it and that’s what’s Natural for me and like, again, a balance between “trying to be easier to talk to, lol” and “being okay with the fact that i’m not super easy to talk to and most ppl aren’t very easy for me to talk to either, lol”

im trying to be a bit less cagey lol which i guess might not be the first word someone might use to describe me for a variety of reasons, But......and but then also, i just like, for me there is no simple Be Yourself, Just Talk Naturally As U Would conversation mode lol, but you know. it’s hardly a pressing issue, and at the same time, like, sometimes when i find it hard to talk to people it’s like “well this is just you needing to Be Nicer” or whatever, or like, well you’re just not used talking to Anyone so like, push through it, and then it takes me a while to realize like, well no you just don’t love talking to them, lmao......and at the same time i’m Really slow to realize when people *do* actually enjoy talking to me, lmao, i am just not used to it And used to people like, not really being super interested in interacting with me even if they think i’m alright lol. lord! so i’m still slightly surprised whenever Anyone likes me, but also like, then again there’s sort of always these repeated scenarios where it’s like [Glum Trombone Noise] i’m also the recipient of various ppl’s various contempt for various reasons........which like, i sure don’t Absorb that as like “way 2 go, you deserve that” but also like, sure also never is the most fun experience of your life. but i have a way more solid sense of the fact that like, i don’t inherently deserve that, and an understanding of Why people will be Like That sometimes, and that’s all been acquired knowledge from the whole journey of this decade lol

also like, i have always been and continue to be like, Basically A Cat lol.....cats-sonas for everyone, ___ the ___ cat, But Seriously Folks........like, oh, there’s a lot of ppl and/or noise around?? unless i have chosen to put myself in that situation for fun, i’m probably gonna be finding whatever quiet / distant corner to hide out in and try to remain as undetected as possible.......kinda wary about interacting with people sometimes, though then also, i like to be friendly w/ strangers (if they’re friendly with me) and won’t necessarily mind spontaneous interactions but only if it’s Plausibly Expected in the situation, and even then, i might just prefer that Nobody Talk To Me......and i’ve yet to be Really comfortable in a group of ppl if i’m there *with* that group lmao, like, i don’t like to take the lead or compete for attention or anything and just kinda will try to do my own thing on the outskirts, whereas if i’m by myself it’s just like, i feel a lot more comfortable and like i can just do whatever lmao..........and also i don’t like to make noise lol. unless again, it’s deliberate, and it’s Fun. like at a concert? i will be the death of whatever nerd like, wants it to be like a solemn “listening to a record” occasion or wants everyone to yell out complete sentences if a performer asks an Arena full of people How Are You Doing 2nite or whatever. i’m gonna yell!!! anyways. idk. i am always like “oh i am Very Much [this way], except for all the times i am totally [the would-be Opposite way]”........i can’t really opt out of having Anxious Qualities and that’s alright, even though it does get in the way of things sometimes for sure. like, c’est la vie!!! i understand why i am like this, and that like, while for my own sake i can try to hold my own hand here and encourage myself to be a little bolder, it’s totally fine that like, i have Problems and Difficulties. 

i’m also at like, maybe the lowest levels of Impending Dread that i’ve had since i was like, 8 or some shit lmao............like again kind of a Wild Decade and one where like, it was totally all like “wow am i even gonna make it to [a few yrs in the future] -> [a year in the future] -> [half a year from now]” aaand it hasn’t been a full year yet since i was last thinking like “lmfao oof i might not be alive by __, who knows!!” but even while that was going on it was at least an improvement from the times i thought i might like, hmm hope i don’t off myself. and like, this is probably the first Start Of A Year in like. well possibly the past decade lmao, where yknow, it hasn’t felt quite as dire. i mean im not really out here a cockeyed optimist about anything, and like, i’m aware that things are always a little tenuous and there’s other factors i’m always nervous about, but That’s nothing new, and i’m kinda more like, neutral about the future rn lol? feeling less Dread and Doom is new-ish lmao and like, allowing that yknow, despite how crappy the past decade has been re: how i felt in my Outlook, there’s been a bunch of surprising Good Things to come along, and i totally allow for the fact that that could easily continue to happen. having Less(ened) Bad Feelings about Things might not = Absolutely Thriving but i appreciate it!! i also try to be appreciative lmao. like, what with the dread and doom & (hope i don’t die this year, i guess,) feelings, it’s wildly hard nowadays for me to like, anticipate stuff in a ~fun~ way or at all, but yknow when anything nice, even a really small / unspectacular / ordinary moment and/or detail, is being experienced by me, i try to enjoy that. i like to be Appreciative. and i think i’m also sort of like, sharing more of myself than i’ve probably gotten to or felt capable of doing in the past, and i appreciate that a lot too. like, it can be really Depressing for sure to think of like, hmm i haven’t had the chance to like, feel in control of things and like things are Totally Fine and i feel Totally Okay & like i’m enjoying everything, and i can choose to pursue [things i might enjoy], and maybe i Won’t have that chance? [another glum trombone noise] but like. i appreciate the good experiences that i Do and Have gotten so far. and the fact i’ve ever been in situations to connect with people and enjoy things the ways that i can and like, it’s really nice that My Presence in other ppl’s lives, even as just like Some Online Rando re: some ppl lmao, has had some positive effect for them or even just been enjoyed is like, wow, this is pretty great lol.........not sure where i was taking this tangent but like, i am someone who appreciates this a lot.

hmm i am also a passionate person at the end of this decade lmao!!!! that has definitely always been true. i am Of That Temperament. it is funny b/c like, the fact that i am A Motormouth Actually But Often Not Saying Anything In The Least To People, they think i’m like, of this very mild disposition and Not someone with strong opinions that they will launch into, or else i would have been doing that already........but you know!!! here i am online, fully able to just dive into things and start talking about whatever for one million years. and i sure latch onto stuff in a Big Way sometimes, which is why anyone follows me at all lol, b/c if you like [whatever particular content] and i am just all about that too, it’s a beneficial situation for us both i guess lmao. i can get really excited and focused about stuff, obviously, and i sure Also Obviously like to explore the emotional aspects of things. which is a vague thing to say lmfao but you all know what i mean!!! it continues to be the only reason i draw lmaooo like i draw so much and like, Making Fanart And Sharing It Online has i think also been a journey of this decade for me, and i really only draw a) exactly that fanart that i feel like making, and b) what i feel like making is always also probably abt Feelings somehow, like the Three Emotions: kissing (aka gay), crying (sad), and angry (angry)........great news if you want to see the stuff i already happen to be drawing lol!!! bad news i guess if you were hoping i’d draw anything but whatever i end up wanting to draw. i cannot be diverted. and i don’t even draw for its own sake lol like, i’ve always doodled for fun and all that, but like, ive never been a “wow i want to make my own __ someday” or whatever, and if i’m trying to draw something which is anything other than [the exact thing i might feel like drawing] it is Such a chore that like, i just don’t do it except for like, total Exceptions. except exceptions lol. don’t ask!! anyways why did i get on that drawing tangent there........yeah it’s definitely lucky that i’ve been giving myself that Drawing Experience so that i can connect w/ ppl that way, cuz i’m godawful at like, necessarily providing other stuff lol Or at being the one to Make Connections Happen otherwise......and also of course sometimes it is easier to convey/communicate something via drawing. woohoo!!

anyways yeah i’m a bit excitable lol and i sure guess i’ve got that Chaotique energy at times, for better or worse lol........like sometimes my Contribution can be like, just an absolute wild card thrown into the pile, or just like, maybe adding some Boost to a situation that other people can run with if they so choose. just throw things out there sometimes and enjoy when other ppl find that fun lmao

what else is there about me??? lol.......oh yeah i’m always sort of an Office Goofaround (not actually in an office ever, though). like, when ppl Don’t have that sense of Collaborative Humor where like, if someone does something a bit silly u just roll with that bit, or if god forbid they have Exhausting Cishet Guy humor where they think everything is about Dry, “Intelligent” Sarcasm and that being “funny” is about making yourself look like the coolest or cleverest person there who Wins the Center Of Attention spot?? it’s like, eff that, where are my Get Silly gang. also puns are funny but also only b/c they are silly. you have to really lean into it lol. 

well anyways!!!! and when i am asked to talk about myself i can be very extensive and yet not necessarily cover everything. here we are

26)favorite look you had?

my look hasn’t changed too much! Tees n Jeans (or shorts? or jorts? lol) are pretty much my thing altho you Know i have at times added in A Layer, or even accessories.......as always, part of the first few years of the decade for me was the whole “aha, yeah okay i’m trans” process, but before that i wasn’t ever really trying to be more “””””””””fashionable”””””””””” than the tees n jeans type of look anyway lmao, and even nowadays like, i have some Wardrobe Items that like, ppl might consider ”androgynous” or whatever when cis dudes wear them, like leggings or a v-neck sweater........really some of the only significant Changes was getting binder/s eventually (by 2012?? ugh idk) and also like, by 2011 i cut my hair relatively short, and from there on i just like, every year went “ugh god i need it to be shorter” and even now i’m like, hmm, do i want it shorter or is this fine?? but also i’m somewhat limited styling-wise b/c i just continually cut it myself in a bathroom mirror, true chaotic. and! i’ve been like, god i wish i had a baseball cap that’s just like, solid [my fave blue] or yknow, black or something, or idk. one that i like. and also someday it would be nice to like, not only have an updated prescription of lenses but also Multiple Glasses Frames to choose from, even though my current ones are alright still lol.......this is me just talking abt my past looks and how i’d like to potentially update my look lmao i did Not answer the question but, as usual, i also don’t have a great direct answer lol

38)a prediction you had for this decade that came true?

lol this was not a decade where i was ever looking ahead to 2020 and making any assumptions about this Block Of Time as a whole.......i mean like, i was Really starting to suspect byyyy 2012 for sure that like, i could not like, be able to exist And have my parents be in my life at all lol and by 2013 it was just like. increasing confirmation of that. and i last saw / spoke to them prior to me just effing out of there at the end of 2015. snaps for me

43)an important relationship (of any kind) you had?

well a couple i appreciated that might not be obvious were pretty brief and fairly impersonal lol. so in 2015 i had this Nightmare Job for five whole months which was obviously miserable in most ways, but there was this other guy who wasn’t even a Coworker, we just had the same job and had similar routes of Stores to go to, so we would run into each other a lot of mornings, and he would talk to me and i’d talk to him and he was totally good-humored about everything and that was helpful lmao b/c it’s great to have Someone you enjoy seeing. i also struck up a rapport with a baked-goods stocker at one particular store, and that could be an enjoyable 14 seconds. it was a godawful job lmao and like, Any pleasantness at all / decent treatment from other people was very helpful

also at this other job the next year which was a lot less hellish, there was this customer lady who like, i can’t remember at what point she started talking to me but yknow it got to be that if we’d run into each other she’d kind of update me on her life. and she would be like “sorry i’m talking to you, a stranger, about all this stuff all the time, but my life is a mess and i don’t really have anyone to talk to” and i would be like, lmfao mood, do not even worry about it, and yknow this was someone i only ran into usually once every few weeks at my job, and could only listen to for however long, but she was Going Tf Through It all the time and as much as i am a chatterbox who will go on for a century about myself b/c i can’t be concise abt anything ever, i’m also decent at being in Listening Mode lmao or yknow, i was like No Truly i don’t mind you venting, and also yknow, i’m like well i know how much it sucks to have Nobody to talk to about Big Problems. and i am this random restaurant worker and if i’m one of the only people this lady can talk to, you can bet i’m going to listen lol.......and she was really goin through it all One Thing After Another and yknow i’d catch her two weeks later and she’d be all like, well [this situation] has gotten worse, or This One Problem is over but now New Problem has replaced it, etc, and a whole issue that i got updated on was like lol. she had this boyfriend who she’d kinda mention early on when she was talking abt trying to find a job, or losing a new-but-terrible job and once again being back in that Job Hunt Stress, and idk like. i just sort of have decent Relationship Instincts lmfao of like “hmm this doesn’t sound great” but like, a month or two later she’s straightup Married to this dude, and i’m like oh congrats :) and then when a month or two after That she’s talking about how like, she’s maybe having Job Probs again and her now-husband is really giving her shit for like, not having found a new one yet, i’m like internally all [ :)))))) Not Surprised :))))))) ] but i’m like. yknow you Sympathize n Validate but if you just up and tell someone who’s being treated real bad like “you are being treated terribly, this person is acting terribly” then they might just want to defend them like oh it’s not That bad, or minimize it, and blame themselves for making their terrible partner “look bad”.......and by extension when she once was in our restaurant With said husband and introduced us i was like, just getting further confirmation abt this dude’s shittiness from his Immediate Vibe lmao like....whenever i feel uncomfortable enough in someone’s presence in a [not just universal level of Anxiety] way, it’s like, that instinct is pretty reliable & accurate lol.....but i had to pretend Not to hate him or act too standoffish towards him lmao cuz like!!! i figured i could “get away with it” but yknow, this lady had already said how isolated she was and the husband sure seemed Controlling and like, yknow, if you act like you don’t Like the shitty partner or said shitty partner catches wind of you maybe telling this person that “hey your partner is being shitty” then it’s all, them telling their partner “don’t go around that person who is so obviously Against me >:(” and like. yknow i figured as Random Restaurant Employee this dude wasn’t about to be super on guard about me but i still was not wanting to risk it but luckily i only met him the one time and only had to casually pretend i didn’t think he was shit that one time. and anyhow! soon enough the lady is talking to me about how she thinks getting married to him was a mistake but like, again, she was real isolated and didnt have family or friends or ppl in the area to talk to, and like, yknow she would be pretty sure her husband was cheating on her but of course He was the one all like, wanting to be controlling and invade her privacy and accuse Her of cheating on him, and i’m like, internally screaming but again yknow, i’m just letting her vent to Anyone (me) and sympathizing. and iirc her talking about her “uh oh my husband sucks” was like, i had come back from this delivery so we were in the parking lot lol and she was so upset about all of it and like, “sorry i’m just this random person talking to you for twenty minutes in a parking lot and crying lol” and i’m like. i mean yknow if the only person you can vent to about this terrible situation is me, this random person in a parking lot, absolutely i am glad to do it, even though i would’ve done it anyways lol...........and i was so mad at our General Manager this one time lmao b/c. yknow it’s a couple weeks later and wouldn’t you know it, The Lady is really stressed b/c her husband was yelling at her and broke a window in their apartment, and the Cost Of Repairs added to their monthly rent meant they might not be able to make that rent, and she was in that crappy situation that gets pulled on Tenants Who Probably Don’t Have Much Money, where you’re supposed to get 5 Days Notice or whatever when they’re like “get out b/c your rent is overdue” but you get that Notice on like, friday afternoon when your Last Day is supposed to be the following monday, and nobody is at the office all weekend, so obviously that’s not five days and it’s really only One Day and that Last Day that you’d even have a chance to talk to anyone, which is also a monday when you’d probably have work, and yknow, good luck finding help over the weekend, when probably ppl will just want to spend that time rushing to just pack their shit up and leave anyways.....ANYHOW it’s just some particular heinous bullshit and it was like, the saturday after it had happened to her, and i sympathized entirely b/c that had happened to me and i now lived in my car but i figured i wouldn’t bring that up lmfao.......and anyways i was sitting down with her to listen to her b/c it’s an Insanely Stressful Situation and again like, whenever she’d show up i’d let her talk to me abt her Problems for however long she felt like. and anyways of course eventually the one By-The-Books manager gives me shit all like “what are you doing daring to Sit Down and Not be doing restaurantly actions, ugh” and i’m like. i mean, unsurprising lecture to get lol, of course, but i was just so impatient like. well this person was having a crisis so i prioritized that above keeping the coffee stirrers fully stocked at all times, bite me. ENNYHOW and i didn’t see her for a minute after that and i Was a bit worried b/c like. of course i had every reason to be and she was just always looking so completely exhausted but then like, actually the last time i saw her she was actually more upbeat than ever b/c like! turns out that during an argument her husband had assaulted her and had been arrested. which is of course like. i was like oh i am completely sorry about that trauma but congratulations at this person being separated from you!!! and like, i wish i could have kept up with her beyond that, but i couldn’t, but like, that was the first Improvement in her life that i’d heard since i met her, and it was a way better last-thing-to-hear-from-her than her stressing out abt eviction thanks to her abusive husband breaking shit. and like, weird relationship lmao but!! idk i did feel lucky that i could be The One Person This Lady Gets To Talk With b/c like, god forbid she have absolutely nobody to talk to about this shit or treat her with any sympathy, even if it was just me, the rando she only got to see on occasion. and i hope she’s doing okay still! wish i knew for sure of course, but i’m glad i at least got to be there for her in a tiny way for a period of time and did eventually like, Know that she both knew that this was a bad person to be with, and got that Reason to be separated from him.

#imsocatastrophic

[deathloveshischicagopizza]

So I'm writing a VLD fic

@comfortably-chaotic-mind I'm tagging you bc you know this fic and I'm sure you'll want to hear this lol plus this is kind of a funny story...sorry for the long post though

Everybody else, I'm very very very sorry you have to put up with this but I'm really upset about this right now so I gotta get this out

Basically, Keith's dad was super close with the latest Admiral of the Galaxy Garrison. Like I'm not sure what happened with them (maybe graduated together?? or the admiral taught him some life lesson??? idk) but Kogane trusts Dos Santos with his LIFE okay

And he basically says that Dos Santos is Keith's godfather in his will

So when Kogane dies...Dos Santos shows up and is like bitch u ain't takin this boi to the home

So Keith becomes like the housecat-ghostboy-orphan of the Galaxy Garrison. He likes sitting with the old people, climbing in the rafters, and sneaking around to scare the shot out of the cadets.

He's also an avid reader. (A personal headcanon of mine but blown up to a massive proportion.)

Like I mean this boy eats books for breakfast lunch and dinner. If he's awake, he's reading. He listens to audio books to fall asleep half the time (the other half of the time he's blasting Disturbed or FOB or something edgy like that).

This boy has read every book that could even VAGUELY be considered interesting.

Okay, let me just tell you:

The average school library has a ratio of between 10 and 20 books per student.

Let's say the Garrison has 5000 students (just larger than West Points cadet count) and their ratio is small at 10. That's 50000 books in the library.

Probably 10000 are extra copies or second/third/twelfth editions of the same books (going by the ratio of 1/5 that my school had). That's still 40000.

I'm gonna be nice and say that 500 are reference books, another 500 are random (small, informational or entertaining, don't fit a special category), 25000 are nonfiction, and 14000 are nonfiction.

Keith is almost 13 at this point in the story.

As an avid reader myself, I started reading at four. Keith started at five in the story.

I was six when I read my first 200pager. So was Keith.

So let's say he started on the smallest books in the Garrison at age 5. That's 500 in a year. About a book and a half a day.

Boom. Down to 35500 books in the library.

(As we all know, I hope, the library will rotate books, causing the number to fluctuate a bit. But let's say for the sake of math that it stays this way)

His dad already gets supplies from the Garrison (because he lives on Garrison property shhh it makes sense) so he starts asking for more books because Keith is just eating them up.

So the countdown to 15000 starts.

This is where I should explain that I literally lived down the road from a small town library until I was ten years old. I know what it's like to have access to books. I went to the library with my uncle every saturday afternoon. The librarian knew my name and used to come to my soccer games when he could. He was my best friend.

I remember when I was about seven I started getting frustrated because I would go through all my books in the first few days of the week and then be out until Saturday. I started taking my bookbag with me. I made my uncle (in his teens) take one, too. We crammed anywhere from thirty to sixty books into those bags and carried more with us.

The only reason we got away with it (because there was a 20 book limit) was because we had six library cards between the three of us--i had mine and my mom's, my uncle had his, his best friends, and my grandma's, and the library dude was nice enough to lend us his if we needed it.

So yeah. On a good week, I got about seventy books. That's ten books a day.

(I should explain that I still went to school. I went to public school with plenty of kids who hated reading enough for all of us. I had teachers who either insisted I was some kind of genius--i wasnt--or banished me to the hallway for reading Jane Austen during reading time when they specifically said to pick something at the class reading level. I know this life. It's kinda sucky.)

So yeah. Ten books a day, seven days a week, for fifty-two weeks. I got through the entire small-town library (4000 books) in just over a year.

Yes, I even read the reference books. Yes, I had to ask for help with some of the more sophisticated books in the library. (Yes, I skipped a few of the research books. I was eight. Sue me.)

What I'm saying is that it is realistic for me to have Keith reading 5 or 6 thousand books a year for eight years, because in this story he has LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE TO DO.

His dad homeschools him without schooling him at all (unschooling, look it up on wikipedia--yes I know it probably doesn't work like that, but it's my AU and I do what I want). Then his dad dies when he's just over eight and he's alone in the house for a year. Just books to keep him company.

Then (after meeting Sam Holt) he starts trekking out to the Garrison, creeping around the halls and camping out in the library when he feels like it.

He makes friends with the campus librarian. Professors give him books for his birthday. At twelve, he got Sam and Dos Santos to help him build a room onto the old shack so his books weren't just lying wherever in the house. The room has twelve bookcases (three on each wall) each with five shelves (60 shelves total) and full of books (about 2000 books total, give or take).

He doesn't socialize a lot (he's still Keith) but it's not that he doesn't want to. It's just that he's awkward (he's still KEITH). If people would stick around for a while (more than ten minutes), he's actually really cool and funny, even if he's a little defensive/shorttempered/oblivious/clueless.

(Just because you're smart and read a lot doesn't mean you understand everything. Just because you know how to make jokes doesn't mean you always catch them or that you understand idioms or innuendos or anything that isn't straight talk.)

His jokes are literature based. He uses sarcasm a lot even though half the time it comes out wrong. He identifies with both Darcy and Elizabeth on a spiritual level.

He has a room at Dos Santos' that has a bookcase full of composition notebooks, themselves full of notes on all the books he's read, little doodles of scenes he really likes, and jokey little summaries of long reference passages.

He's a nerd who never had to learn how to socialize with real people. He LIKES people. He's not a robot, and he doesn't automatically hate you on sight.

He's just been through a lot in his life, and he's still just a lonely little kid.

Anyway. Keith reads about twenty fiction/short books some days, four longer reference/textbook books other days. It varies. It took him six hours to get through Under the Dome, and there was one time he read eleven aeronautics manuals in eight hours and then passed out for fourteen, but mostly he takes longer for reference books/textbooks than fiction books/memoirs.

Also he's read the dictionary/thesaurus like forty times by the time he's thirteen and he shows ZERO sign of stopping. It's basically a religion at this point.

So let me break this down again:

Garrison library has 50,000 books. Minus 10,000 because they're copies/lame editions. That's 40,000 books.

1000 are reference books or random (small, informational or entertaining, don't fit a special category) books, 25000 are nonfiction/memoir/diagram based/school or lesson based, and 14000 are nonfiction.

Keith starts reading at five. His first five hundred are done when he's six--he starts on the next five hundred and finishes within months. His dad starts asking for larger shipments.

By the time Keith is seven, he's read 2000 books.

We're down to 38,000 books in the Garrison library.

Between seven and eight, he reads another 3000. Down to 35,000 books in the Garrison library.

A couple months later (500 books down, 34,500 to go) his dad dies. He's alone in the house for 10 months, only books to keep him company.

He reads another 4,000 books in this time. By the time he turns nine, he's reading at a high school level. 30,500 to go.

Sam visit on his ninth birthday. He brings more books, invites him to visit the Garrison sometime. The librarian could use some company.

Keith does.

By the time he's ten, he's read another 6,500 books. It's a really good year. 24,000 to go.

Age 10-11: 6,000 books. 18,000 to go.

Age 11-12: 5,750 books.12,250 to go

He's turning 13 in a few weeks. This year he has so far read 5,375 books. He wants to hit 5500 again. For the five year anniversary.

It's not a good year. He's not feeling great. He starts talking to Matt more than he used to. Matt pushes him a little. He says he can do it. Keith believes him. He's never lied to him before.

(That Keith knows of. What goes to his benefit is unnecessary knowledge for him.)

He hits 5,500. 6,750 to go.

This is where I am now.

Now by all accounts, there are a few notes I should make.

There is a portion of books at Keith's home that he has not read. They are books the librarian gave him because she knew he hadn't read them before they were getting rotated out for a new shipment. This is probably 500 books.

That makes the total 7,250.

Less than ten thousand.

He has read 33,250 books in eight years (ages 5 to 13). Average: 4156.25 books per year, 11.3 books per day.

I'm almost twenty and I read 55,383 books between the ages of 4 and 18 (between the first book I read at home and the last book I read before my graduation ceremony). Average: 3955.93~ books per year, 10.8 books per day.

I didn't have a lot of friends. I was bffs with every librarian I met/had. In 10th grade world history we had to give one cool/weird fact in an introductory assignment and I told them I had read every book in the school library. No one believed me. I told them I could prove it. She said go ahead.

"I have read every book in the school library. The librarian can vouch for me. They have not rotated their books since I was in eighth grade. My grandmother works here, so I know. There are exactly 17,488 books in the library, not including extra copies or "editions" like all they did was change two sentences in the intro that's hardly new information. But whatever. I started reading that year. I made a list of every book i read that year. There were 3272. That's 14216 to go--all of which were in the fiction and nonfiction sections. My grandmother checked them out. If you go into her records from that year and take that list and add it to my list from last year in 9th grade, you'll see that I read every single book. I started with the reference section that year and then went to the manga, then the nonfiction, then the historical fiction, then the fantasy fiction. I had already read most of the books in the fiction section. 6,791 out of 7,918 to be exact. That's 7425 to go. I'd also read 3577 if the 6298 nonfiction books. That's 3848 to go. Over the course of the last school year, which lasted exactly 42 weeks, I checked out 30 books every Monday and 50 books every Thursday. That's eighty books every week. Times 42, that's 3360. 488 left. I hung out with my grandmother while she worked over the summer. I kept my reading up, only for the first half. By the end of July--the 29th--I had read the rest. That's nine books a day every day. Don't believe me? Ask the librarian."

So the teacher did.

She put the librarian on speakerphone.

The librarian went on a full ten minute rant about how ridiculously difficult it was checking out fifty books at a time.

My history teacher wouldn't come within 2ft of my desk until after holiday break, and she didn't go into the library at all that year.

Moral of the story: IT IS TOTALLY LOGICAL/ACCEPTABLE THAT I HAVE KEITH READING OVER 30,000 BOOKS IN EIGHT YEARS IN THIS FIC OKAY PLEASE DON'T COME AT ME OVER THIS

#me #omg #mine #my post #long post #sorry for the rant #sorry for the spam #sorry for the long post #rant #my rant #reading #keith reads a lot okay #my fic #voltron fic #my vld fic that i'm writing

[filipinosmakinghistory]

Meet Josh Abalos a Super Senior at UMass Boston! He is a Filipino/Filipino-American who grew up in a setting that emphasized the Filipino culture. Today is his birthday! What do you think is the most common misconception about being Filipino? That we're Mexican or that we speak Spanish? That the United States DIDN'T straight up colonize us after ownership of the archipelago was transferred from the Spanish to the US after the Spanish-American war? That we're dirtier or less civilized than northern/paler Asians? How did you become aware of your cultural identity? I grew up for my first 10 years around New York and New Jersey where there were huge Filipino communities. My parents raised me with the customs that they carried over when they moved to America. They just acted like themselves around me and I absorbed that. So I knew from an early age that I was Filipino but when I moved to Massachusetts at age 10 where there were markedly less Filipinos, and I became mostly surrounded by white people, I started noticing how the color of my skin, and the culture and behavior that I brought with me, stood out from everyone else.  The lack of diversity in the new town didn't help either. How much do you identify with the history of the Philippines? Lapu Lapu from the Visayas was pretty badass. He killed Magellan, that cocky Portuguese bastard, and defended the Philippines before the archipelago even had a name. There's also the legend of Urduja (pronounced: urd-oo-ya) from the region of Pangasinan, where my dad's side comes from, though scholars are divided on whether or not she was ever real (I'd bet she was real after some internet research). Anyway she was a fabled warrior princess in the pre-colonial archipelago, who led a band of female warriors and defended her kingdom from foreign invaders as well. Legend has it that she would not marry any man who could not best her in combat. Thus she died a virgin. Wowza. What a woman. Check out the veracity of her story for yourself. http://www.urduja.com/princess.html. Then there's Jose Rizal, who is widely regarded as a polymath, is very respectable in my books for that very trait (also v v v respectable for igniting the revolution just through his writings). He was also a nerd who got around with the ladies (20 different girlfriends), so while I don't necessarily promote promiscuity and especially not infidelity, let it be said you can totally be an over-the-top nerd and still get laid (and inspire a country). Wish I knew that in middle school lol. Otherwise, in regards to my family's history: my lolo (grandfather) on my dad's side fought in World War II. He was at Bataan. He hated the Japanese, and with good reason. They made him and the other 80,000 POWs march some 60 odd miles malnourished and abused. They would torture, physically, and mentally attack them while marching. He watched his buddies die right next to him from exhaustion, starvation, and bullets to the back of their heads. Whenever a POW couldn't keep up, they were either shot or just left in a ditch to wither. He almost didn't make it, and I might never have been born. Bittersweetly, he survived only to die of cancer right around the time I was born. I wish I had at least met him. My dad recalls these memories of his to me. He tells me that lolo always used to hate when dad did Japanese stuff. Lolo never wanted his son to drive Japanese cars, eat sushi, or to learn karate (all of which he did anyway; the damned rascal was a 2nd degree blackbelt in wado karate). Given all that, sometimes I wonder what my lolo would think of me if he were here today. I watch a lot of anime, I pretend to (ironically) act japanese sometimes, but you could say I look like a total weeb. It's weird to think about. I don't hate Japanese people, although I think some of the them are weird (have you heard of waifu body pillows? jeez). Would my grandfather disown me? Would he understand what it is to be a kid in this day and age? Is religion important in your household? Describe a situation illustrating why or why not. It's pretty important. My parents have poon amongst which is the Santo Niño. We have a prayer group which rotates amongst different families' houses where we pray the rosary together and praise Jesus and stuff but I'm not so much into it anymore considering I don't align myself with the Catholic Church anymore. Have you ever struggled with your racial/ethnic/cultural identity? Describe this struggle and how you overcame it.  Yea people called me a twinkie or a banana all the time because I acted so white. Yellow on the outside, white on the inside. I wanted to believe I was just like all the other kids in middle and high school but nothing could be farther from the truth. Oh sure, I learned how to fit in reaaal good but that doesn't mean I still wouldn't get sly remarks like "oh I didn't know you would be into punk rock" or the not so subtle "I thought you were Mexican!" and "Oh you're from there? You must eat dog then". Everywhere I go, I'm reminded that I don't exactly belong. You don't see a lot of Asians at punk shows, especially around here. Kids at concerts assume I don't know the scene, I don't know the bands, that I'm just a casual show goer, or worse a "poseur". At the kind of shows I go to, three is a crowd in terms of Asians being there. 

Sure Asians are supposedly the "model minority" but I'm brown. I'm a "dirty Asian". On top of which, I have a full bushy beard and moustache these days. I don't look so innocent anymore (I try to avoid cops and follow the law). Filipinos don't even recognize me as Filipino at first glance anymore. I was in a crowd of Filipinos from my parents' generation and they all spoke English around me, but as soon as I stepped away, they felt comfortable enough to speak Tagalog. I had to tell them I was fully Filipino and that my parents grew up in the home country. What's worse is I don't speak any Filipino language so even when they know I'm full-blooded Filipino, the older generation sees me as less because I can't speak Tagalog. I was at a Filipino birthday party over the summer, where this tita (auntie) overheard that the birthday girl's new boyfriend barely understands a single lick of Tagalog. Soon as she heard that flew off the handle shouting at no one in particular "ANONG PROBLEMA NG MGA KABATAAN NGAYON. THESE KIDS SHOULD UNDERSTAND TAGALOG. THEY SHOULD BE ASHAMED. THEIR PARENTS SHOULD BE ASHAMED. SUSMARYOSEP" and I'm just here like lmao chill out tita, sorry we grew up in America. 

But yea there is that slight pang of regret that I can't connect with my people on that level. Nowadays I'm President of my Filipino club, Hoy! Pinoy!, at UMass Boston. Second Term whoop whoop. I try to re-acculturate myself with the Philippines and try to provide the opportunity for members of my club to do the same. I helped found the club specifically to find my roots again, and be around people who were like-minded. 

And I recommend to anyone and everyone who is disconnected from their family's original home land, to join a cultural group, such as a college Filipino club in my case, so you can be surrounded by people who work together to find yourselves and your identity in something other than just the fads, memes, and trivialities of American life. So you can understand the struggle your ancestors, your family, have gone through to get you where you are now. So you can understand why you face the hardship you're facing now from society around you. If your family isn't perfect, it's probably in large part from the /STRESS/ of they and their ancestor's way of life being uprooted and changed so many times and so often, that life has been just chaos, whether if it's the Spanish colonizing us, the Japanese abusing us, the white Americans imperializing us, or just the immigrant experience as a whole. And if your group isn't asking the hard questions, like where y'all came from, how will you know where to go next? You cannot grow as a person or even take a step forward if you don't have a place from where you began. You can't build a house without a foundation. As humans, we build narratives, personal stories, which we use to identify ourselves, and figure out who we are and what we want. Take psych 101 and you'll hear this. Take Asian American Psychology and you might find a group of students who would help you understand who you are as both a Filipino and an American. Who cares if it's not a course that teaches you how to make money or where you learn a marketable skill? You'll be unhappy in life if you're rich and successful but don't know who you are and what you truly want. Ask me how many people I grew up with that are like that now. 

If you really, truly know who you are as a person, that can never be taken away from you, no matter how many times you're told who you are by dominant ethnic group who have never experienced what it's like to not be white, what to want by advertisements and product reviews that just want your money, or what to change so you can try to be just like them and not so foreign and scary. You're an individual which is both scary and exciting. But you're also human, and you need to be loved, regardless. 

As Uncle Iroh once said: "It's time for you to look *inward* and begin asking yourself the big questions. Who are you and what do *you* want?"

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aYkuuu9u3EI What are you most proud of as a Filipino/Filipino-American? FOOD. UGH BUT WHY DOES IT TAKE SO LONG TO COOK?? . . . . . . . . ANS: BC IT'S MADE WITH LOVE. What challenges did you face, growing up as a Filipino/Filipino-American?For those not from the Philippines, have you ever been to there? Tell a story or favorite memory from you visit! I was probably 7 years old when I visited my extended family in the province of Pangasinan, in Lingayen. Pros: Watched Darna on repeat Cons: Almost drowned in the monsoon. Great times. Told my parents "When are we getting off this wretched Island already!!! 😭"  Describe a significant event in your life that shaped who you are today Seeing other Filipinos (-Canadian) my age underage drink and "sin" (lol) when I was still a goody two-shoes in high school. Didn't help that I had a crush on this one girl who I looked up to. I started drinking in college. What do you feel most grateful for your life? Being born into a family that is economically advantaged. I mean, look, we live in Massachusetts, I go to one of the best public university systems in the nation, and I'm not going to be up to my neck in loans when I graduate. That's more than most can say. Tell us about someone who has had a big influence in your life? Ghandi. Civil Disobedience. Pacifism. Anti-colonialism. What a guy. What traditions have been passed down your family? Eat with your hands. Don't leave the bathroom door open. Describe your immediate/household family. Mom, Dad, and brother who is a sophomore in high school. Is having a knowledge of family history important? Why or why not? Yes. Maybe you should know if you have a family history of trauma or diabetes so you can get diagnosed earlier in life to see if you need to change your lifestyle to prevent life-threatening situations or lasting damage to your mind and body. Maybe. What does it mean to be successful in your family? Be a lawyer or a doctor. Be rich. Have kids. Whoopee

[popliar]

quick thoughts on the bts spotify mixtapes

aka i talk a lot of nonsense

Rap Monster: Careful to play by mixtape rules, but also the most eclectic and diverse mix in terms of genre and time. Bon Iver AND Aphex Twin AND Sade AND Chet Baker. Plus! Pre-OKC Radiohead! I love this nerd sob. I think it kinda reflects who he wants to be, it’s his aspirational self - broad-minded, genre-crossing, able to draw influences from the past as well as look ahead to current/future trends, a little edgy in a geeky way. OR as I think of it - Namjoon as college kid AU: the soundtrack.

Rap Monster’s Heavy Rotations Film - Aphex Twin - Come To Daddy PRBLMS - 6LACK - FREE 6LACK 143 - Musiq Soulchild - Aijuswanaseing I Love You - Lido - I Love You High and Dry - Radiohead - The Bends My Funny Valentine - Chet Baker - Chet Baker Sings Karaoke - Drake - Thank Me Later One Mic - Nas - Greatest Hits Swim Good - Frank Ocean - Swim Good CPU - Raury, RZA - All We Need Really Love - D’Angelo - Black Messiah U-RITE - THEY. - U-RITE Baby Blue - King Krule - 6 Feet Beneath The Moon About You - xxyyxx - Xxyyxx By Your Side - Remastered - Sade - The Ultimate Collection Rain - Razah - Rain Cleanin’ Out My Closet - Eminem - The Eminem Show Déjà Vu - TWENTY88 - TWENTY88 Perth - Bon Iver - Bon Iver

Suga: Look at this focus and discipline! Just the adherence to form and theme and its brevity make it stand out. There's nothing like super underground or surprising here and I'm wary of saying this expresses something personal the way Namjoon's does - but this is a good solid 'snapshot of the genre'. Also I'm just so unreasonably pleased both he and Namjoon included Nas.

SUGA’S Hip-Hop Replay N.Y. State of Mind - Nas - Illmatic XX POWER - Album Version (Edited) - Kanye West - My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy New God Flow.1 - Album Version (Edited) - Kanye West, Pusha T - Kanye West Presents Good Music Cruel Summer The Way I Am - Eminem - The Marshall Mathers LP Losing Out (feat. Royce Da 5’9) - Black Milk, Royce Da 5’9 - Tronic My Moment (feat. 2 Chainz, Meek Mill, Jeremih) - DJ Drama, 2 Chainz, Meek Mill, Jeremih - My Moment (feat. 2 Chainz, Meek Mill, Jeremih) HYFR (Hell Ya F***ing Right) - Album Version - Drake, Lil Wayne - Take Care (Deluxe) This or That - Prod. by Statik Selektah - Reks, Styles P, Termanology, DJ Corbet, Freeway, - Rhythmatic Eternal King Supreme Ali Bomaye - The Game, 2 Chainz, Rick Ross - Jesus Piece Bugatti - Ace Hood, Future, Wiz Khalifa, T.I., Meek Mill, French Montana - Trials & Tribulations (Deluxe) Notorious Thugs - Amended, 2014 Remastered Version - The Notorious B.I.G. - Life After Death (Remastered Edition) [Amended] Work Out - J. Cole - Work Out (Clean Version)

J-Hope: Looser adherence to theme and form, maybe a freer expression of personality? Seems like a good mix of stuff he genuinely likes without having overthought it. This is a fun one and I forgive The Chainsmokers because I for real gasped when I saw he included Blue (!), ASAP Rocky's Fashion Killa (!!) and Diddy & Faith's I'll Be Missing You (!!!!). HE’S MY FAVE FOR A REASON YOU KNOW.

J-Hope’s JAM Sunday Candy - Donnie Trumpet & The Social Experiment - Surf Beware - Big Sean, Jhene Aiko, Lil Wayne - Beware One Love - Blue - One Love i - Kendrick Lamar - i YOUTH - Troye Sivan - Blue Neighborhood (Deluxe) Dance On Me - GoldLink - And After That, We Didn’t Talk Fashion Killa - A$AP Rocky - LONG.LIVE.A$AP (Deluxe Version) Talk - DJ Snake, George Maple - Encore Knock Knock - Mac Miller - Knock Knock - Single Cinderella (feat. Ty Dolla $ign) - Mac Miller, Ty Dolla $ign - The Divine Feminine Fakin It (feat. Ofelia K) - Kaskade, Felix Cartal - Fakin It (feat. Ofelia K) Sidewalks - The Weeknd, Kendrick Lamar - Starboy さくらんぼ - LOVE IS BORN ~13th Anniversary 2016~ - Ai Otsuka - LOVE IS BORN ~13th Anniversary 2016~ I’ll Be Missing You (feat. 112) - Diddy, Faith Evans, 112, Bad Boy’s 10th Anniversary- The Hits Paris - The Chainsmokers - Paris Closer - The Chainsmokers - Closer No. 99 - Joey Bada$$ - B4.DA.$$

Jin: I like how this is split into two halves, like a cassette with a side A and a side B, divided down the middle with some beautifully subtle and understated self-promo - never change Jin!!! At the same time Idk how personal this one is either. The mix of pretty mainstream hiphop with pretty mainstream  top 40 and rnb is solid but very safe. Like he figured out who we expect him & BTS to be, and goodnaturedly played along. (That said there is a lot to be said for playing safe, as we get to the maknae line playlists...)

Jin’s GA CHI DEUL EUL LAE? Lost - BTS - WINGS (LOL I HATE JIN) Weight in Gold - Gallant - Ology Black and Yellow - Wiz Khalifa - Rolling Papers 6 Foot 7 Foot - Lil Wayne, Cory Gunz - Tha Carter IV (Deluxe) Rap God - Eminem - The Marshall Mathers LP2 Black Skinhead - Kanye West - Yeezus Hold On, We’re Going Home - Drake, Majid Jordan - Nothing Was The Same (Deluxe) It’s Definitely You - V, Jin - HWARANG, Pt. 2 (Music from the Original TV Series) (JIN IS THE #1 PROMOTER) Viva La Vida - Coldplay - Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends Fix You - Coldplay - X & Y Kiss the Sky - Jason Derulo - Kiss the Sky Ain’t Giving Up - Craig David, Sigala - Following My Intuition (Deluxe) Party - Chris Brown, Usher, Gucci Mane - Party Love Right Next To You - Karina - Love Right Next To You

Jungkook: He is an adorable baby who loves soft things AWWWW! This is just... the softest mix ever. And I wanna know who got into the Eels first, him or Jimin? Who introduced them to the Eels, of ALL THE BANDS IN THE WORLD? This is way too long and sleepy for me to enjoy for more than a couple of songs at a time, it’s just not my style tbh. But I find it really endearing and genuine. No posturing.

Jungkook: I am Listening to It Right Now DNA - Lia Marie Johnson - DNA ILYSB - STRIPPED - LANY - Make Out I Need Some Sleep - Eels - Meet the EELS: Essential EELS 1996-2006 Vol.1 Beautiful Lies - Birdy - Beautiful Lies Dear No One - Tori Kelly - Foreword Like a Star - Corinne Bailey Rae - Corinne Bailey Rae Ghost in the Wind - Birdy - Ghost in the Wind What Do You Mean? - Justin Bieber - Purpose (Deluxe) Clouds - Before You Exit - Clouds - Single Lullaby - Arco - Coming to Terms Dream Lantern - RADWIMPS - Your Name. Nandemonaiya - Movie Version - RADWIMPS - Your Name. Heavy Weather - Bilie Marten - Heavy Weather Oasis - Jasmine Thompson - Oasis Boyfriend - Acoustic Version - Justin Bieber - Believe Acoustic Colors Of The Wind - From “Pocahontas” - Tori Kelly - We Love Disney Theme of Mitsuha -RADWIMPS - Your Name. 7 Years - Jasmine Thompson - 7 Years Lost Boy - Ruth B. - Lost Boy Mannequin - Yuna - Chapters (Deluxe)

V: I - I don't know what's happening here and I refuse to acknowledge it. (I LOVE YOU TAE but oh. my. god. 0_0)

V's Join Me Advice - Kehlani - SweetSexySavage (Deluxe) Undercover - Kehlani - Undercover Distraction - Kehlani - SweetSexySavage (Deluxe) CRZY - Kehlani - SweetSexySavage (Deluxe) I Wanna Be - Kehlani - SweetSexySavage (Deluxe) I Think of You - Jeremih, Big Sean, Chris Brown - I Think of You Castle on the Hill - Ed Sheeran - Castle on the Hill Shape of You - - Ed Sheeran - Castle on the Hill Piece of Mind - Kehlani - SweetSexySavage (Deluxe) Do U Dirty - Kehlani - Do U Dirty Crash (feat. Pell) - Skizzy Mars, Pell - Alone Together Alcoholics - Skizzy Mars - Alone Together Comb - Skizzy Mars - Alone Together Recognize (feat. JoJo) - Skizzy Mars, JoJo - Alone Together Fantasy (TEEMID Remix) - Alina Baraz, Galimatias, Teemid - Urban Flora (Remixes) I Will Be There - Agapornis, Come & C, ChocQuibTown - I Will Be There Falling Into You (studio version) - Hillsong Young & Free - Youth Revival Acoustic Heart Attack (Snakehips Remix) - Flight Facilities, Owl Eyes, Snakehips - Heart Attack (Remixes) Fields of Gold - Eva Cassidy - Songbird Creep - Karen Souza - Karen Souza Essentials

Jimin: Idky but this seems like exactly the sort of playlist a guy his age would be into? It's a fun mix again. AND EELS AGAIN WHY AND HOW. This lacks the period diversity of Hobi's but otherwise seems like a good counterpart. Like. It’s fine. 

Jimin's Joah? JOAH! Pillowtalk - Zayn - Men's Health: Beach Body Workout Motel Pool - Travis Garland - Travis Garland Stayin Out All Night - Wiz Khalifa - Stayin Out All Night Private Show - T.I., Chris Brown - Paperwork (Deluxe Clean) Lot To Learn - Luke Christopher - TMRW I Need Some Sleep - Eels - Meet the EELS: Essential EELS 1996-2006 Vol. 1 Alive (feat. Coucheron) - Kehlani, Coucheron - You Should Be Here You Should Be Here - Kehlani - You Should Be Here The Way (feat. Chance the Rapper) - Kehlani, Chance the Rapper - You Should Be Here Let Me Love You - DJ Snake, Justin Bieber - Encore Mark My Words - Justin Bieber - Purpose (Deluxe) Fa La La (a cappella) - Justin Bieber, Boyz II Men - Under the Mistletoe (Deluxe Version) Coffee - Miguel, Wale - Coffee face the sun - Miguel, Lenny Kravitz - Wildheart (Deluxe Version) Shape of You - Ed Sheeran - Shape of You i hate u, i love u (feat. olivia o'brien) - gnash, Olivia O'Brien - us Lost - Frank Ocean - channel ORANGE (explicit) Never Be the Same (feat. Jay Rock) - Ty Dolla $ign, Jay Rock - Beach House EP So Cold - Chris Brown - Graffiti

Overall winner: hyung line by a M I L E.

#bts #kpop #mixtape thoughts #actually using tumblr as a blog how strange

[daemonmatthias]

"Get to know me" meme! 1, 65, 69, 91

1. What images do you have set for your desktop/cell phone wallpapers?

Well, my desktop is set to rotate between several images that represent my nerdy interests. I’ve got 2-3 Beauty and the Beast ones, 2-3 Kingdom hearts ones (and there is one overlap between those two), some Harry Potter/Hufflepuff ones, and 1-2 Studio Ghibli ones.

My cell phone lock screen is My Neighbor Totoro, and my wallpaper is Belle and The Beast dancing (from the new movie).

65. Which do you use more often, the dictionary or the thesaurus?

Definitely the dictionary. I can do the thesaurus stuff in my head, but sometimes I have to check the connotation of the word to make sure the synonym I’m thinking of works in the same way. Also, I have to google words to see what phrasing my students are going to find when they look up a word so that I can make sure my answer choices are not too far off from or too close to what google tells them.

69.  What’s the most memorable class you’ve ever taken?

You know what? That’s actually a really hard question…. I knew by my junior year of high school that I wanted to be a teacher, so that perspective has always caused me to focus more on the teacher than the class itself when it comes to memories…. and I’ve had a LOT of memorable teachers over the years. Here are just a few…

There was the professor I took two classes with in college. He was a Doctor Who nerd since like the 60′s/70′s and would slip in references (like “wibbly wobbly timey wimey” while talking about a book not in chronological order) even though I was the only one in the class who knew what he was talking about. His Literary Theory class changed my whole perspective on life/literature in the best way possible, and he fucking tore every paper we wrote to shreds to make us better writers. (He made it up grade-wise with stupidly easy reading quizzes with tons of bonus point opportunities- like fill-in-the-blanks for his favorite joke, which was “a skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop”, btw- and we could keep turning in the essays for better grades as many times as we wanted.) I worked my ASS off on his last paper and got a B on the first try. I have never been prouder. I also took his American Novel class where I read some of the best and absolute worst books I have ever read. Rabbit Run was the WOOORST, but I never ever would have read Winter’s Tale or The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao without that class. And, I certainly never would have read Stories of Your Life and Others by Ted Chaing without him. It’s something I never would have found/noticed on my own, and I loved every single word of those stories. I still haven’t found another writer that can mix science/math, literature, and psychology in the same ways. I’m currently re-reading the entire collection, as I’ve been wanting to since I heard Arrival was coming out.Side note: You should have seen me when I first heard of Arrival. I hadn’t heard anything about it until the trailer came on while we were watching TV. Poor Robert. I cocked my head to the side like a dog and started to say, “Why does this seem so much like that story I read?”, but only got as far as “Why does-” before BASED ON THE STORY BY TED CHAING flashed across the screen and I just fucking lost it. “IT IS, ROBERT, IT IS!!!” “Is what?” “THAT WAS MY FAVORITE ONE IN THE WHOLE BOOK!!” He was so confused and I had to backtrack and explain because that class was like the first or second semester we knew each other and this was the first time I had been remotely excited by anything in months.

There was also that Short Story class where the prof told us she wanted it to be a discussion class even though she’s terrible at discussion classes (her own words). That whole class was a hot mess. We discussed things so thoroughly that she couldn’t figure out how to write tests because she wanted them to be over what we hadn’t discussed about the story. We once had an essay test that asked us about “male enlightenment in Kate Chopin’s “The Storm”.” She started passing them out and everyone was like, “typo?? female??” “No. Male. Like the boy characters.” And we were just like…. uhhhhh ok then….” and when we left three of us got barely out of earshot before one asked us, “so what shit did you make up???” (I had bs-ed something about becoming enlightened to the fact that if mamma ain’t happy ain’t nobody happy.) The entire class pretty much bonded with mutual sarcasm over how awful the class was. It was a very unique environment because we all did actually enjoy discussing the stories with each other and we really got to know each other because the bond made us share more than we usually would with strangers. 

In high school I had the same teacher for AP Psych and APUSH. He was exactly my kind of sarcasm. I kept a “quote book” in high school, which was about 10% inside jokes and stupid shit we said, and about 90% Mr. A quotes. It was stuff like, “So we had the Triple Alliance and the Triple Entente. What does “entente” mean? Alliance. So we had the Triple Alliance and the Triple Alliance- BUT IN FRENCH.” I had both classes with him the same year, and he always connected the two by drawing on historical people for examples in Psych and mentioning (or using!) the Psych to teach us history. It helped me a lot in both classes. We also had to watch Phillip Zimbardo videos in Psych and we complained every single time because “He looks like SATAN and he scares us!!!!!” 

The was also the AP English teacher my junior year who most people hated because she was mean. (My friend who knew a bunch of upperclassmen said, “Oooh, you got The Wass. I’m sorry.” when he saw my schedule.) Only I got in the class period with the like 10 most sarcastic people in the entire grade and it seems like we were the only class to figure out that she wasn’t really mean- she was just one of the most deadpan sarcastic people I’ve ever met. We had a lot of fun because we realized she was really just sarcastic and would be sarcastic back. She asked us one day, a test day, after absolutely refusing to tell us how she was going to test us since we all read different books, “Do y’all wanna… draw a picture or do an interpretive dance for your test?” One kid immediately jumped up saying, “I wanna do an interpretive dance!!” and doing some kind of weird wiggle-dance. Her response was simply, “Too bad; you’re drawing a picture.” (And we really were.)

My senior English teacher was also pretty awesome. He completely scratched the normal AP Lit reading list and made a new one. It was full of awesome literature that I probably never would have read on my own and I loved most of it (especially The Tempest). He was also sarcastic and I’ll never forget how he would let us explore the literature as a class. I’ll also never ever forget his first poetry lesson. It was early in the year. He passed out copies of John Donne’s “The Flea” and read it to us. Then he goes, “what does this mean?” *Silence* “What is it about?” about half us are like ?????? while the other half are like uhhhhhhhh. He goes, “It’s ok, you can say it…” so one kid finally goes “….Sex?” “YES! Now how did you know that?” and the half that hadn’t been confused started pointing to certain lines, which he used to make us backtrack until he could give us a name of a device or explain about rhyme scheme or whatever. John Donne became my favorite poet because of his class. (We also read several of his holy sonnets later in the year and watched clips of Wit in class.) There was also the day he gave instructions for a timed write and then said, “OK? And while you do that, I’m gonna keep looking for a care bear costume that isn’t sexy.” We all laughed except one kid who goes, “How do you have a sexy care bear costume????” We all just looked at him until my teacher finally said, “…you know, it’s like lingerie with bear ears?” He also taught me the limited value of page minimums in writing. I didn’t quite make the page minimum once and got like and 85 on the paper or something. When we conferenced he walked me though all his comments about my organization and whatnot. I asked, “Ok, and just for my own reference, how many of these points were taken off for not meeting the page requirement?” He said, “Huh? Oh, none. None! You covered everything effectively and I don’t want to read the extra half-page of fluff.” Absolutely changed my perspective on writing papers and I aspire to make my teaching style much like his (when I’m teaching somewhere that can handle class discussions anyway…).

(Sorry, not sorry. You had to know that one was gonna be long! lol.)

91. What is your favorite word?

I think my favorite word is “persnickety”. It’s fun to say and applies to soooo many situations in the education world. I learned it from A Series of Unfortunate Events and have loved it ever since. :)

#personal #ask meme

[gymnasticcrazy-blog]

M/Age 25--26/BW 58--68 kg/1.70 m. 1 Year of powerlifting and calisthenics. http://bit.ly/2SuuOZF

TLDR: Circa 1 year Progress Summary

M 25--26. All units, graphs and tables are SI (m, kg). For the graphs W_i = weight at the start of the programme, so \Delta W / W_i is relative weight increase from the start of the programme.

Progress pics. Before any lifting (50 kg), started CAP3 (58 kg) when those trousers used to fit, last day of gym before holiday closure (68 kg), not sure i have a pump since i hung out talking to a friend for a while before taking these wheels 1, wheels 2, back 1, back 2, front.

January 2018 December 2018 Height 1.70 1.70 Weight 58 68 DL 112.5 150 LBS 62.5 100 Bench 52.5 82.5 OHP 35 50 Cheat Pendlay Row 80 107.5

I've also unlocked a 30 degree V-sit for 15 seconds, one leg tuck back lever (good form) for 15 seconds, one leg tuck front lever (ok form) for 5 seconds. I'm working on muscle up progressions.

Backstory

I've been really pretty skinny all my life, did martial arts for 12 years but was always really lean. Things weren't the greatest financially and personally during my undergrad which led me to getting extremely skinny. Seeing pictures of me from that time is like seeing a completely different person. I never got diagnosed but I'm pretty sure I was depressed, life was shit.

Thankfully my luck started to change during the summer of 2014, which eventually led to a PhD offer from my dream university in early 2016. Once I got here, it just so happened had a free subscription to the university gym. I also got rejected by a girl, which pushed me to bite the bullet and start lifting. At that point I weighed 50 kg and had shit posture (nerd neck and rolled shoulders).

I started going in february 2017 but felt so out of place and my left shoulder really hurt from years of forward rolled shoulders. I was so self conscious I spent my time by the rowing machine hating life and messing around with shitty machines. I was so uncomfortable that I only lasted a week and stopped going for a month. During that month, I reevaluated and decided to do it properly.

metallicadpa's PPL

The first programme I tried was metallicadpa's PPL. Overall I think it's probably the best beginner programme in the sidebar for someone without a knowledgeable gym buddy. I really appreciate the fact it's a full programme with great accessories included (I still use them). I don't have any numbers because I was so embrarrased that I kept track only in my head. I was scared of barbells so all I used were dumbells for the first six months. Around October 2017 I was confident enough I started using them. I remember struggling squatting 40 kg and deadlifting 70 kg.

I recommend this programme to anyone who wants to start lifting. However, I would only do it for 3--6 months, I should've changed sooner but needed to build my confidnce. I gained 8 kg doing this.

nSuns CAP3

By mid December 2017 I was invested enough that I decided I needed an actual powerlifting programme. Before the gym closed for the holiday break I tested my 5 RMs from which the initial numbers were estimated. I decided on nSuns CAP3 for its conservative progression and the fact that I could keep accessories and be done relatively quickly (1 hr 15 -- 1 hr 45 min).

Started January 3rd 2018 when the gym reopened. Here's how my T1 and T2 lifts progressed (periods without progress are due to travelling). It's interesting to see the relative vs raw increases in my lifts. The TMs ran away from me so they're not realistic 1 RMs.

I loved the programme and will definitely go back at some point. Having changed to the 6-day LP squat version, I have to say progressing my squat was really hard with CAP3. I really struggled with the first day of the first week of T1 squats. Also, progression may have been too slow for a newbie like me, considering how fast my lifts have been progressing since swapping to the LP.

Here are the accessories I did during my time on nSuns' CAP3:

Day Excercise Sets Reps or Hold time Bench Dragon flag 3 8+ Back Lever 3+ 12+ s Front Lever 3+ 12+ s Hanging Leg Raise/Around the World/Toes to bar/Foot to opposite hand 3 6+/8+/10+ Face Pull 3 10+/12+/15+ Deadlift Incline DB bench 3 6+/8+/10+ Dips 3 4+/6+/8+/10+ Bicep curl 1 3 6+/8+/10+ Bicep curl 2 3 6+/8+/10+ L/V-sit 3+ 12+ s Squat Calf Raise 3 8+/12+/15+ Pullups 3+ 4+/6+/8+/10+ Lateral Raise 3 10+/12+ Ab wheel rollout/Parallette Crunch 3 6+/8+/10+ Lunges/Bulgarian split squat 3 8+/10+/12+

I periodised them with the same idea as the main lifts but made sure the overall volume for each muscle group remained around the same for each of the three weeks. I also didn't stress out if i missed reps as long as the main lifts kept progressing.

nSuns LP 6-day squat version

Here's my progress so far, started 5th November 2018. It's been disrupted by travel but i've been hitting PRs every week. It's interesting to see that the linear component is larger on the LP than CAP3 on most lifts, however it's still too early to tell which will yield greater long term progress (my money is on the LP for the time being).

Since the LP is much longer, the accessories have taken a hit. I try to do them all, but sometimes I'm too gassed or have spent way too long so I cut my accessories short. However, I always do my rows and pullups with all the pressing in nSuns, I do extra band pullaparts over the day if I skip facepulls.

The exercises correspond to the day but the rep schemes are for them all (except for isometrics, where i go for time rather than reps). I periodise them similarly to how I did on CAP3:

Day Excercise Sets Reps or Hold time Bench 1 / OHP / Bench 2 Dragon flag/Landmine Anti rotation/L or V-Sit 3 8+ Back Lever 3+ 12+ s Front Lever 3+ 12+ s Pullups (Weighted)/Pullups (Variations)/Muscle up 3+ 4+/6+/8+/10+ Cheat Pendlay Rows/Kroc Row Same as CAP3 - Face Pull 3 10+/12+/15+ Squat 1 / Deadlift / Squat 2 Incline DB bench/Dips 3 8+ Dips / Incline DB bench / Reverse grip barbell bicep curl 3 4+/6+/8+/10+ Hip Thrust / Hip thrust / Barbell bicep curl 3 6+/8+/10+ Lunges / Bulgarian Split Squat / Lateral raise 3 6+/8+/10+ L or V-sit / Hanging leg raise or Toes to bar / Ab-wheel rollouts 3+ 12+ s / 8+/10+/12+

Nutrition

I don't keep track of all my nutrition, but have made sure to eat 2.5+ g of protein per kilo of lean body mass daily. I've also been stuffing my face with as much food as possible but it's really hard for me. Presumably because I eat really healthily, I cook for myself and I'm a big fan of fruit. I'm not a big fan of carbs but I make an effort with potatoes. I'm comfortable with my strength and weight gain, probably sitting around 12--14% bodyfat.

Social gainz

Holy ass-gropin' batman! It's been great! Some of the travelling I did over the summer was visiting home, people commented on the gains a lot. I even inducted some of my friends to the gym life. The first thing two friends said to me after not seeing me in over a year was that i had gotten huge (lol). I've had my ass grabbed and my shirt taken off by drunk girls at clubs (#metoo), i've even gotten free drinks from drunk bar maids. Apparently i'm attractive now (having an ok short beard doesn't hurt), it's awesome.

I also joined the powerlifting club at the university. So many memes. It's awesome.

Future

I'll carry on with the 6-day nSuns LP because my OHP and Deadlift have exploded. Squat is much easier to progress now and bench seems faster but it's hard to tell at this point. I'll eventually switch back to CAP3 once linear gains fully run out or when this programme squeezes the life out of me. I imagine I'll switch back and forth between programmes as they bave both worked really well and I enjoy them both. I think CAP3 is more manageable in the long term however, especially when my squat improves past 120 kg. I think I might modify the OHP progression to be more like the LP though, I like these OHP gains. I also want to keep mixing in calisthenics, once I unlock levers I'll move them to maintenance and start on planches and human flags.

I'm not chasing any particular numbers but it would be pretty sweet to get 130/110/170/65 for S/B/D/OHP by the end of the year, also straddle levers, a 60 deg v-sit and a kipping muscle up would be sick. Ambitious but we'll see.

submitted by /u/KrunoS [link] [comments] December 30, 2018 at 09:11PM