#life is just moving so quickly

[greenerteacups]

thoughts on Ginny and Harry as a couple?

There are a lot of people who find their romance in HBP forced. I don't think it's forced so much as underwritten, and the books don't get the chemistry quite right (though the movies certainly don't, either). There's potential, but they just don't get enough actual scenes of substance (besides Harry thinking she's pretty or feeling jealous of Dean) for a lot of readers to buy that they're not only in love, but deeply enough in love to break up, get back together, and wind up married.

That's not to say I don't see the appeal. There's a very cool scene in Book 5 where Harry's doing a woe-is-me-Chosen-One act, and Ginny effortlessly puts him in his place about it by reminding him that she was possessed by Voldemort at eleven, which is a rare glimpse into her character and also a great synecdoche for their relationship — Ginny is a grounding presence who, like Ron and Hermione, isn't going to be awed by his past adventures because she knew him before they happened. In that respect, Ginny's probably one of the few women Harry could feasibly wind up with, because he only ever seems comfortable around people (let alone girls) who can see past the Chosen-One schtick and treat him like a normo (see: Ron, Hermione, the Weasleys, Luna, Hagrid). True to type, he doesn't get interested in Ginny at all until she's ditched her celebrity crush and ceased to view him as an idol, because in his heart of hearts, Harry wants to be a normal boy, and it's stressed over and over that part of what he likes about his relationship with Ginny is how normal it feels. He kind of has a horribly supercharged version the celebrity dating problem: after the Battle of Hogwarts, anyone he meets is going to know him first as Harry Potter, Chosen One, Boy Who Lived, and Actually Fucking Resurrected Messiah of the Wizarding World, which is... I mean, it's possible that there are witches out there who could get over that, but Harry's not an extroverted guy, and I'm not sure how he'd go about finding them. Ginny's the one who's been there since the beginning, doesn't need anything about him or his past explained to her, and actually likes him for who he is.

When you look at it that way, it's not surprising he married his high school girlfriend. She's one of the few people still alive who doesn't see him as a demigod.

#in general I was never one to ship harry with anybody #what I wanted for him was a long quiet life and plenty of therapy #maybe some dogs. i think harry needs dogs and deserves them #The other obvious solution ftr — though not one I think Harry would take — is for him to marry a muggle #though again. you'd run into the problem of how you explain All That #which harry doesn't like to talk about and probably would want to talk about even less as an adult #plus also: harry loves magic. like he loves it loves it #the muggle world for harry is permanently connected with the dursleys and it would take years to break that association #which I just don't think he's going to invest #Harry post-BOH is moving to Hogsmeade or wizarding London or some other magical neighborhood and staying there forever #by the way this post is not anti Harry and Ginny! no hate on the ship I've seen versions of it that are very cute #but I just think their love story needed Sauce #there are also some really interesting posts I've found in Deep Fandom crackship blogs about h/g as Harry's sublimated desire for Ron #now I don't necessarily buy that reading. I don't think Harry is in love with Ron in the original text #I do think he LOVES ron and projects that love onto the Weasleys very quickly ginny included #and I think Ron is his soulmate platonic or otherwise in every universe #so marrying Ginny has like. Implications. vis-a-vis Harry's status as a Weasley and adoptive brother[in law] of Ron #like it's a full-circle moment where he becomes officially legally a member of Ron's family #which I do believe JKR had in mind. even though that basically means ginny's wedding becomes kinda... actually... about her brother... #it's weird basically. my final verdict is I wish H/G had been written by an author who was more interested in Ginny for Ginny's sake. #greenteacup asks

[antianakin]

I recognize that this mostly happens because Obi-Wan is and always has been a direct foil for Anakin, but I am SO tired of all of Obi-Wan's more canon love interests ending up being more about making commentary on Anakin and Anidala than they are on exploring OBI-WAN. It's just sad and I'm so tired of it and I think that until people are willing to write a romance for Obi-Wan that isn't actually about Anakin at all, Obi-Wan should just be made off-limits for romance plot lines entirely. Leave the man alone, please, I am begging you.

#star wars #obi-wan kenobi #i just finished reading the first half of secrets of the jedi with the siriwan relationship #and holy mother of god was it anidala coded all to hell and back #obi-wan is turned into a mighty prude and siri into this sweet motherly character just to make it work #everything from the reaction obi-wan has on seeing her at the beginning to how quickly the relationship moves to the secrecy #it's all anidala #it's all ABOUT anidala #obi-wan is so ooc in this that it's not even funny #he's not even in character to previous works written about him BY THE SAME AUTHOR #and yet somehow it is STILL miles better than whatever the fuck obitine was supposed to be #where obi-wan is given a love interest specifically designed to be killed off so that they could compare that to anidala #and honestly the scene where she dies is probably their ONLY good scene together #it's certainly the only scene where they seem to genuinely understand or even LIKE each other #like siriwan has obi-wan acting ooc but at least he's not literally misogynistic towards his love interest #unlike the way tcw chose to write him #like yeah sure i really feel the romance in obi-wan calling satine 'hysterical' over her perfectly reasonable political views #and at least siri respects and understands the jedi life and LOVES the jedi order unlike satine #so despite how frustrating siriwan is - obitine is 10x worse still #it makes me SO so glad that tala ended up losing the romantic aspect of her relationship with obi-wan #because you KNOW that that would've just ended up another anidala parallel #again #as obi-wan loses yet another female love interest to death at the hands of the sith. again. #honestly tala's relationship with obi-wan is IMPROVED by the lack of a romantic love interest #there's a lot of interesting meaning in that relationship that i honestly believe would be lost if it had been romantic #obi-wan and love interests just don't seem to mix well in canon or anything canon-adjacent #free my man from terrible romantic storylines that aren't even about him #obitine critical #siriwan critical #anti obitine

[nerosdayinanime]

giyuu doesnt realize hes doing it

(edit: reblogged w more stuff check it vv)

#tomioka giyuu #sabito #giyuu tomioka #kny sabito #giyuu #loserboy giyuu posting #fratboy sabito posting #kny x sdv au #neros art tag #giyuu moves in a little over a year after sab did #giyuu practically went his entire life without dating anyone bc he was fine with just his sister & best friend sabito by his side #he always greatly disliked whoever sabito was dating but that was easy to miss bc sabito has shit taste in partners and always got with ppl #who hurt him. his last devastating relationship was the final straw in his life & he packed his shit and left #giyuu was super supportive of it and him & tsutako even got him some stuff to get started but after he left giyuu realized he felt Extremel #Fucking Hollow all the sudden- pretty quickly realized he missed seeing sabito almost every day like he had most their lives #texting & calling him became the highlight of his day. he staked it out w/o him because he was scared of not having a stable life but after #a year sabito was pretty well off & he finally said bye to zuzu city and moved in w him #halfway through the year giyuu subconsciously starts acting really possessive while sabito's hopeless romantic bullshit is starting up agai #the older adults gossip abt it and sabito's friends kinda try to avoid ticking giyuu off too much. giyuu notices that they avoid sabito whe #hes with him so he tries to stop shadowing him like he always did as a kid. wanders around on his own. shinobu thinks hes a bit pathetic #and takes to playfully bullying him. they become friends after giyuu realizes shes not being malicious & now he has someone else to #awkwardly hover around. she loves having someone to always poke fun at and giyuu finds her insults creative & amusing #sabito however notices giyuu kinda avoiding hanging out with him around town & he thinks he fucked up again #anyways im not as active bc im playing stardew valley and thinking of Themb #edit: actually scrap all that sabitos a massive hopeless romantic & hes being protective over him bc he doesnt wanna see him get hurt again #he doesnt realize he looks like hes trying to kill them with his stare tho lmao #he thinks hes being subtle #he does notice how hes making ppl avoid sabito entirely and thats the Opposite of what he wants so he backs off #& then sabito starts to think he fucked up again

[babacontainsmultitudes]

80 or so years of life really ain't enough can I have an elf lifespan instead please? Or at least a dwarf's... I need at least a couple hundred years... Oh and a new spine every 5 or so years, if that's not too much to ask. 3. 3 years actually. Yeah, a new spine every 2 years, and a lifespan of 350-750 years, that's all I want really.

#SORRY this is such a random thing to be posting about and I guess it's a vent post haha #I suppose I've just been feeling a lot of... dread and fear lately... especially in the late hours... #''Lately'' as in on and off for most of my life but *a lot* as of the past few months #Like #Oh it's weirdly embarrassing to talk about this here it's a tad personal uh **tw (discussions of) death #But do you ever just feel paralyzed by the knowledge that one day you'll be 40? Or 60? Or 80? If you're lucky! #I worry a lot about wasting my life #I worry a lot about dying an unpleasant death #Or a painful one #I suppose I've always been gerascophobic... #But finishing school and turning 23 and not having a job and having just a hard time with my physical health lately... #I haven't been great I guess #I just feel like time has been moving so quickly lately!!! #And I've been going nowhere. #:0 not to be too much of a bummer y'all I'm not like feeling horrible rn or anything but I do need to vent I think #Cause if not it just stays coiled up inside of me. #*gah* I should channel all of this energy into Glenn in my pirate fic lol #😌 he's insecure (in part) cause he feels old #🥲 ough and I don't feel amazing about that most recent chapter but I guess that's a whole new vent #working on some different stuff for a bit. #ANYWAYS #I hope whoever happens to be reading this is having a good night ✨️ #oh or day if it's day for you lol

[padfootastic]

No, tell us about the dorm parties and Lily finding out about them, pretty please

ooooh a tag question! love these too hehe

okay so. a lil bit of backstory: i had a semi-wild teen life, ykno? like. not as crazy as ~american high school movies but in the context of the country i grew up in? pretty unreal. there were parties and alcohol and weed and a lot of hooking up. so much petty drama. so much irreverence.

point is: i dont like it when teens are portrayed as some pure, untouched, prudish creatures who've never heard of fun or drugs or sex. it just doesnt fit with what i know.

and i fully believe that hogwarts--a boarding school where kids have MAGIC (which really just means unending possibilites)--was a place where the students went wilddd. one of the ways? dorm parties. u have these private spaces for just you and like. 5 others. u can do a shit ton with ur wand. why wouldnt u use it for parties ykno?

so yeah, i think the common room had larger parties after like. quidditch wins and end of exams, but bc its more people and more younger kids, u had to be more careful. dorm parties tho? smaller, more intimate, and ur with the people u know/trust so crazier shit will happen.

the marauders were invited to a lot of them in the girls dorms (and vice versa) and ykno. they went to a lot. bc teen boys and girls. it was all very scandalous--booze and short skirts and shirts unbuttoned off their shoulders and hazy smoke filling the room and lipstick marks smeared over chins and necks and the like--and incredibly fun. just kids being kids, yeah?

lily, though. i've long been playing w the idea that her friendship w snape (and chastisement of james--and sirius, to a lesser extent) came w a substantial social cost. her defending someone who was so shady didnt win her any points and i hc as her a person who hid her insecurity w self righteousness (on top of just. being a bit of an abrasive person) which didn't win her additional favors. so even her dormmates maintained a certain distance and the dorm parties didn't often include her. she only found out accidentally when she went up to the room it was happening in to get a book back and saw everyone buzzed out and dancing and more relaxed (intimate) than she'd ever seen.

it was genuinely a huge shock when she saw the boys sprawled across the room in varying stages of undress (james had a girl and a guy on a thigh each, arms wrapped around both waists; sirius was hanging upside down w a joint dangling from his lips and its a wonder he didnt choke himself to death) and she squeaked out of the room in a moment of severe cultural shock.

it was only later that she worked herself into moral outrage and just. hurt-filled anger type stuff, ykno? her roommates sort of had to give her a reality check in that moment. the marauders only blinked at her in bemusement, amused at her high-handed attempts to manage them.

#lily evans #friend i'd apologise for the word vomit but... #hc that u can fly a broom up the girls stairs #its a classic and surprisingly unthought of move #and the maraduers quickly discovered it during a nighttime experiment #in fact. id argue that them sharing this knowledge (bc its not meant to be hoarded and on promise of not leaking to authorities) that #made them half as popular as they were #people were in awe #and wouldnt stop thanking them #many couples formed on the spot for the express purpose of breaking this exciting rule #anyway #okay but like #why do i wanna write this conversation b/w lily and her roommates now #bruh why do i always do this to myself #make up some ridiculous AU/HC situation in my asks/tags #and then i wanna bring it to life #but i can picture it so vividly #lily just spluttering- but but BUT #and her roomates are like. no. u dont get to pull away from us and look down ur nose at us and then disciple us at the same time #yum yum yum #this lily evans is also. i can admit. my pushback against her deification which will never not rub me wrong #but once again. another rant for another day #i just realised what a novel length response this became lol #but i hope u like it anon! #pen’s asks #pen’s notes

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

k i thiiiiink i'm gonna close my inbox for a Bit bc there is... so much in there... and more gets buried with each new ask & i Want to get to them all! but there are ninety-five (95!) asks in that box rn. and i know from experience that if i don't take care of it that number will build to ungodly levels, and then it'll get so overwhelming i won't be able to get myself to answer Any <3

#its just that i want to respond to Most with scribbles #and since it takes me so long to do anything #especially lately with... everything that's happening... my Motivation and Energy has been more drained than normal #and 'normal' is already at Low Levels! #but yeah and i just Want To Get To Everyone #there are some real good asks in there! #but then each new one is like Oh I Wanna Do That #YALL ARE GIVING ME TOO MANY TASTY RECIPES!!! #i cant bake 95 cakes at once!!!! #all of this said affectionately ofc #i never imagined my lil art blog's inbox would ever reach double digits #let alone nearing triples! #i just need to take things a bit slower than usual. implement some personal moderation yk yk #absolutely unprompted #do i know when the box will reopen? nope! #in all honesty it might be a couple months... idk idk. idk! #my life is very uncertain and stressful and will be for At least until november #mid-november probably. late november. perhaps even early december... #depends on how quickly i get settled in my New living situation or how fast i empty the inbox #cause im moving late october... i just dont know! #everything is kinda falling apart! but its fine its fine . i will work on asks and art #*will graham voice* this is my escape #there are several that im excited to get around to! #mainly a couple'a Lights Out ones but there are Others as well... #if you were planning on sending an ask. uh. sorry! #im grabbing your tongue and shoving it back in your face. hush. #edit: AND i wanna respond to some replies cause those get sooo neglected #its like my brain says 'you can either respond to replies or asks. not both. die' #and i have to be all 'thanks cool thats totally reasonable! perish'

[welcometoteyvat]

society moved on too quickly from furina's demo

#i think about the fontaine brawl that she imagined in her head sometimes like i feel like society needs more characters like that #ramblings! #also when she changes into pneuma form............ i've never seen something so fucking crisp in my life #the lights???? the music syncing?? it's like biting into a juicy apple cannot be topped #also the symbolism................... i was like 'hm. i actually dont really agree with that bilibili analysis video' after thinking it thr #through. <- also known as dumb behavior they almost predicted the entire 4.2 quest #tbh i feel like people also moved on too quickly from neuvis demo because that yellow field of grass is peak #i love when rando characters are dropped in the middle of nowhere contemplating existence #we also moved on too fast from ly.ney's story quest why do i keep seeing him in love with traveler #like his subtle threats to that woman... guys he's killed people dont make him just a flirt #dont mind me im just. replaying fontaine but in my head and via youtube trailers #actually something else is that while i still think most of the sumeru chars look a bit too much like they used skin bleach #the sequence right before nah.ida's burst where she's traveling through her own dreamscape is like. soo good im soooo.... #references her character story... full of whimsy and elegance.. visiting children while asleep etc.. knowledge spreading something somethin #i also always liked how the 2 children floating in front of that window looked like they were guarding the gates of wisdom or smth #like sentries in front of a library. but theyre kids so its less somber and more like. idk joyful. house of learning open to all etc. #in a character trailer appreciation mood rn ig

[my-beloved-lakes]

I see a lot of people I knew from school posting pictures on their social medias with all their friends doing various fun things together. Meanwhile, I'm sitting at home wishing I could take a group photo with all my Tumblr mutuals to post so I can brag about having the best friends.

#too much of my social life is based on Tumblr but i really don't get out much since I don't have a job and i made like 1 friend in school #so i don't really know anyone to hangout with other than my siblings and my one friend #and i don't go out much exept for occasionally to the library or the store so i don't get the chance to meet new people #i used to have all 5 of my sisters at home and that was all the company i needed #but now they've all moved out except for my younger sister and im realizing that im very deeply lonely #i need to get a social life! but how! #Also i think this is part of the reason I jumped into things too quickly with my ex gf now my best friend #like I was so excited that i had found someone who was just as interested in being friends with me as i was with her #that i misstook my feelings for her as romantic ones cuz i was so lonely and she was such a good friend #and i was so scared to tell her cuz I didn't want to ruin our relationship. it didn't. we're still besties. #but i think im so lonely idk if I'll be able to know the difference between platonic and romantic feelings #and part of that definitely comes from being ace as well #anyways there's my tangent for the night about why I need a better social life and maybe a bit of therapy too #haha that got super personal oops 😬 #might delete these tags later

[itspileofgoodthings]

💕💚

#so. Rambling on this my 28th birthday #I think I might have some kind of hormonal/mood imbalance #maybe. I think that could be likely #and I also think I have very fast emotional cycles #so I work through things quickly #and so I’m in kind of a pattern right now where I post in utter anguish #and the anguish is REAL and I am by no means faking it #but then it resolves. Not even the thing that causes the anguish but the feeling itself #and I just feel better and then I move on #and I am trying to get somewhat of a handle on what exactly it is #and I know I don’t owe anyone an explanation of what I post #but I guess also I would like to #and I think—as I type this out—that what’s happening to me right now #is TWO things #and one of those things is the very real very new pains of adulthood and life #that are hitting me like a shock to the system #but then ALSO some old emotional echoes that need to be purged from my psyche #that are not in fact how I want to deal with things or react to things #but which flare up in response to triggers #and cause anguish so bad it is literally physical #and I would love to be able to distinguish between the two #because there IS much that is hard and scary and painful and confusing in my personal life right now #and also there are simply old wounds and fears at play that I would like very much to set down #and allow myself to change. In response to which I would like to choose a new way of thinking!!!! #a truer and different attitude! #and yeah. it’s so hard. It’s SO HARD. It’s SO HARD TO ACCEPT THAT IT’s BOTH and it just AHHHGHHHHHHHHHHHJJ #!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! anyway thank you for listening and for seeing and for taking the cries of anguish posts #I guess I just wanted a follow-up of some kind #because sometimes I feel insane and I feel like I LOOK insane #and it’s awful

[conanssummerchild]

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

#tw sh related #me when listening to so long london is giving me flashbacks the the worst most toxic friendship of my life #the relationship i attribute to most of my bad habits and fucked up shit i picked up from her #and she just moved on so quickly and i was left picking up the pieces for two years #and im still trying to mend them i havent even gotten there yet #and its fucking me up i cant think about it anymore #and i cant relapse right now i really really cant #im staying the weekend with my friend and we've been talking about this shit and god its supposed to be in the past #but its not and ive been lying so much #because she thinks its been two years when really its closer to maybe a month #god i cant relapse fuck fuck fuck shit dude #and my dumb stupid idiot ass keeps a fuck ton of pins with me because i like them on my bag #even tho thats how this shit started three years ago #i mean three fucking years how can i not be over it #this isnt the same girl i tried to kms over btw #i had a lot of toxic fucked up relationships in my suicidal era #ok i feel a bit better after having gotten that all out #im also wearing short sleeves rn to fully convince myself i cant relapse #ok im stable now i think at least i can breathe #alex says shit

[strawbabysweet]

If I keep getting ill I’m going to fucking lose it I swear

#🐰ྀི yapping #NO BC I JUST GOT MY PERIOD #AND CANT MOVE TOO QUICKLY WITHOUT VOMITING #NOW I HAVE A REALLY SORE THROAT #AND A BLOCKED NOSE #OUT OF NOWHERE #NOT TO MENTION THE CONSTANT COUGHING #sorry I’m like genuinely gonna go insane #this can’t keep happening I get so ill so fucking often #vicks vapo rub saving my life rn #anyways guys trust I’ll catch up on all ur fics soon you just gotta give me a moment

[mettywiththenotes]

I think one of the things I love the most about Haikyuu is that even though the whole manga comes from a place of love from Furudate who created the story specifically to get people into volleyball, there is nothing to make you feel bad about not wanting to play anymore

There are characters who are completely obsessed with volleyball. There are characters who aren't obsessed but are interested enough to keep going. There are characters who weren't into it but did it anyway and then just couldn't stop. There are characters who started doing volleyball and then realized they didn't like it anymore, then left and were better for it. There are characters who are like "this was cool and it was nice but I don't want to do this forever". There are characters who never play but still support the teams anyway

And the story validates every single one of these experiences. There's no "this experience is better than that experience", there are just characters who like it, don't like it, are obsessed with it or can appreciate everything that happens in a game regardless of their feelings towards it

It's just really nice to go through the story and feel the whole acceptance through the writing itself, to see that Furudate is encouraging you to try volleyball, to experience how fun it can be, and if it's not fun for you or you fell out of love with it or just don't want to do it anymore, then that's fine! At least you experienced it! At least you tried! At least you learned something about yourself! And hopefully you made friends along the way!

Haikyuu inspires people to try something new but never does it show a characters negative feelings or lack of feelings towards it as invalid and wrong. It just encourages you to do what makes you happy. I really appreciate that

#there's obviously more characters who have other experiences too that i missed #but still i think i made my point #i need to rewatch and reread this series #spoilers in the tags from this point on -----> #i think this ESPECIALLY hits home after the timeskip #learning what every character was doing in the future #how there definitely were those who went into volleyball as a career #but there were others who did something else like being a veterinarian or a singer or a fashion designer #the way there were characters who were so good at playing volleyball but it just wasn't what they wanted to do all their life #like nishinoya and tendou #ALSO #when udai was revealed #and he was literally just. some guy #hinata and others idolized him and he was just a guy who didn't wanna play volleyball #and the most important thing is it wasn't a big deal that he wasn't a little giant anymore #hinata moved on quickly and that was a good thing for him and his development into finding who he wanted to be #it really does show that udai's decision was valid. he inspired people with how great he was but he just didn't wanna do it anymore #AND AND he probably STILL ends up inspiring kids anyway because he became a mangaka who created a manga about volleyball!! #the cycle is complete!! #the emphasis on doing what you want because its fun and makes you happy is just!! very important i think!! #haikyuu!! #haikyuu!! manga spoilers #haikyuu!! spoilers #mettys posts #metty posts

[stormyoceans]

i so deeply envy people who can watch this scene and be normal. i see puen using the cotton pad on talay’s chest and suddenly the orderlies are forcibly escorting me into a padded room where an entire mental health crisis intervention team is waiting with the elephant tranquilizers to keep me sedated IM SORRY BUT THIS IS PEAK ROMANCE TO ME

#CHANGED ME MY OUTLOOK ON LIFE THE FOUNDATION OF MY PERSONHOOD THE CHEMICAL MAKE UP OF MY BRAIN AND MY ENTIRE BEING ON A MOLECULAR LEVEL #i will never have the words to make people understand just how deeply this scene affects me #or to explain just how much puentalay mean to me #im sorry for being so annoying and never moving on but i literally will never love another pairing like i love them #also i think we as a society moved past puen getting naked in a bathtub with talay ON EPISODE 3 way too quickly but let's not go there #vice versa #vvrewatch2024 #vvrewatch24 #m: txt

[lessthanimpressedlesbian]

Ludinus said that things were happening sooner than he'd like. I wonder if he planned to wait until the next apogee solstice, and was forced to move faster once VM started collecting vestiges. With more champions of incredible power, maybe he felt threatened. Opening a gateway to the Feywild could have also sped up his plans, though I'm less sure about that. Either way, something happened that sped up his plans, but what does that mean to someone who seems to have survived the Calamity?

#critical role #critical role spoilers #cr spoilers #ludinus da'leth #i just think it's interesting #he's been planning this for centuries #so what does it mean to have his plans moving quickly? #what caused that? #do Delilah or Trent factor into this? did Delilah helping vecna also contribute? #I'm so fascinated #i just wanna know what's going on #it's his life's work

[elenadoeslife]

your first love hits different

#another day another vent-in-the-tags post #i came across a picture of me and my fiest boyfriend of five years today. picture must've been 10 years old at this point #found many more pictures of him and us on my dad's old pc #i can just feel my body pull and heart ache when i look at him in the pictures #wondering what my life would've looked like if i hadn't broken things off between us #we tried to stay friends and a couple of months later we went for a drink. when daying goodbye he moved in to kiss me #i was hesitant and stepped away. he couldn't bare having me in his life while not being together so he cut off all contact #don't get me wrong in any of my thoughts- i love babe whole heartedly and he's the only man for me now and in my future #it's just that nagging feeling burried deep. the 'what if's. what if i felt more confident about my body back then? #what if i hadn't moved on so quickly? what if i had let him kiss me? #i tried texting him telling him i was approved for gbp surgery (i broke things off because i was very insecure about my body) #he congratulated me and sincerely wished me all the happiness in the world but also asked me not to contact him again after this #it's been 7-ish years but every now and then i wonder how he's doing and what he's up to #he doesn't really have social media apart from facebook (and that page is private) and i only stayed in touch with his former best friend #but i'm not gonna ask him because i know they haven't spoken in years either #i've had plenty more relationships after him but i rarely ever think about those guys #am i okay? is this normal? lol #i should get my head out of this rabbit hole asap #add: the picture is almost 15 years old lol. my math ain't mathing. we met in 2009. not that it's important #i think i just moved on too quickly and didn't allow myself time & space to grieve. that's why he keeps popping up in my thoughts now & then

[sovonight]

,

#ohhhhhhh i really do dislike the tonal shift in bg2/tob so much........ and by that i mean mostly in xan's mod 😭 #i mean maybe the sense of betrayal and disappointment is immersive but it really leaves me with No idea what to do with him #in my version of radri's story. like. do i do my best even with all the parts i find ooc? do i cherry pick what i want and forget the rest? #and even after all my complaints i keep thinking back to his author. the fact that somehow this is the *intended* experience #currently feeling like the necromancer who resurrected their wife and is convinced she came back wrong but who just never truly knew her #i keep going back to 'estel'amin'. the fact that xan named charname his hope--and then quickly stopped using that name for her #once her bhaalspawn nature continued to affect her life after the conclusion of bg1 #so--basically--i'm to assume that he changed his mind? she's no longer his hope; his light; and if she is it's rare #he just calls her beautiful now; something far more shallow #and the fact that in tob he vacillates between subtly criticizing her for her nature which she has no control over #(and which in radri's case she has never even willingly given in to)-- #and attempting to comfort her after her nature makes bad things happen to her & around her #--but then his comfort is once again undermined by the aforementioned shallow compliments #it's coming across as 'i love your body despite what you are in spirit' and really isn't a great look at all #look maybe i'm crazy but in bg1 i got the impression that he was able to accept and move past it fairly quickly #like 'ok you're a bhaalspawn so now let's move into problem solving. obviously i have to quit my job and travel with you full time' #but in bg2 he spends most of his time lamenting about how hard it must be for her to live like this #while also pointing it out as a personal flaw of hers. as if she'd had any say in who her father was #like there are npcs literally shouting 'i hate all bhaalspawn!' and here he is--supposedly her closest supporter-- #also subtly saying 'i hate bhaalspawn' right to her face #when literally as a neutral alignment and as a companion of 1-2 years-- he should actually have THE most nuanced take on her??? #in bg1 he says murder is unavoidable in the life of an adventurer. then in tob he comments that charname kills everyone haphazardly-- #--as though in another jab to her nature. meanwhile as a constant companion he should know better than anyone that it wasn't so simple #idk. i'm almost feeling gaslighted by the narrative in a sense #because when everyone else talks about xan in bg2/tob--including charname via the dialogue options/written internal dialogue-- #they say that he's ~gray~ and calm and collected and emotionless etc #meanwhile he's literally the most emotional guy in the game. like. he's freaked out SO many times #so?? how am i supposed to take anything here genuinely?? how am i supposed to engage??? SIGH #anyway today's my first day at my new job and i have to wake up in 2 hours & im certain that i'll be too nervous to eat today #my goal for today is just to not be fired 👍 12 hours from now it will be over...