#god i cant relapse fuck fuck fuck shit dude

[conanssummerchild]

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

#tw sh related #me when listening to so long london is giving me flashbacks the the worst most toxic friendship of my life #the relationship i attribute to most of my bad habits and fucked up shit i picked up from her #and she just moved on so quickly and i was left picking up the pieces for two years #and im still trying to mend them i havent even gotten there yet #and its fucking me up i cant think about it anymore #and i cant relapse right now i really really cant #im staying the weekend with my friend and we've been talking about this shit and god its supposed to be in the past #but its not and ive been lying so much #because she thinks its been two years when really its closer to maybe a month #god i cant relapse fuck fuck fuck shit dude #and my dumb stupid idiot ass keeps a fuck ton of pins with me because i like them on my bag #even tho thats how this shit started three years ago #i mean three fucking years how can i not be over it #this isnt the same girl i tried to kms over btw #i had a lot of toxic fucked up relationships in my suicidal era #ok i feel a bit better after having gotten that all out #im also wearing short sleeves rn to fully convince myself i cant relapse #ok im stable now i think at least i can breathe #alex says shit

[rottenfleshnbones]

uhhhh vent ahead so im putting a keep reading in case yall dont wanna see it

im so fkn sick of my mother. so fkn sick. she put this dude inside our house whos an alcoholic n turned her into one too lmfao its old shit yk they keep going back n forth for almost 6 years now and let me tell you i only relapsed sh n eventually got an ed bcuz of that. she kicked him out and it was nice while it lasted bcuz last month she put him back there w the excuse of "nooo he has covid n cant pass it to his aunt" cuz hes fucking BROKE n spends all his money on alcohol, got no house got no car got no NOTHING. hes the worst human being ive ever met. n she does NOTHING abt it. my mother owns the apartment n pays every single bill (water, electricity, cable, wifi, etc) so ???? he lives there RENT FREE so the least thing he should do is share w her the grocery ticket he got n bc of that he kept saying he was feeding me, that my father does nothing to me, always fighting w me, yk the drill. mind you im only alive cuz of my father otherwise i wouldve tried to kms again already. its so freaking tiring, yk? cuz hes there all the time and always looking up to see if im gonna eat anything (i literally refuse to, that's why i started starving) so he can shit on me. i hate this fucking life. i know i'm a sinner, god is disgusted at me, but do i really deserve all that? idk. i feel like i need something to escape this prison n sh is all i can think of, cuz its there immediately (unlike starving), and i'm afraid i'll end up an alcoholic like both of them. i like drugs but i dont wanna be just like them :(((

[imflyinoveryou]

my dad is wacko, he's like "youre so fundamentally flawed as a person it disgusts me, youre becoming your mom" and its because i forgot to dump something into the left sink instead of the right. and hes like "i love unconditionally yet you dont" but dude i forgive every single slight , i have forgiven you puking all over the kitchen floor due to your drug induced dehydration, and i have forgiven you relapsing several times since ive lived with you in spite of our agreement . i have forgiven you bringing some awful woman into my house and i have forgiven you treating me like shit when youre angry. yet i am painted as so selfish and judgemental and resistant to change. like for one, yes, i do have a lot of change that needs to happen. but at tthe same time that is going to be on my own terms, on my own time, and when i want it and am ready. not because you dont fucking like how i am.

and i have accepted that my dad is slowly healing and will fuck up and i havent held that shit over his head! im only bitching about it now because he fucking lost his mind over me making a mess (A SMALL MESS AT THAT) and told me i could move out. it is so beyond hypocritical, i feel insane. my mom tells me hes wrong and he tells me she's wrong and i know that both of them are and i just need to fucking escape, i cant do this anymore, i am so so so tired.

me being forgetful occasionally (i swear on my life it is not as frequent as he makes it out to be) is not nearly as fucking inappropriate or offensive as him relapsing god knows how many times, when he promised not to . but you see i understood and i worked on my judgements and my anger and i told him i would help him and change so he could feel safer to heal on his own terms, but no, its not enough.

whats crazy is i feel anger and i let that shit go, but this motherfucker uses it as an excuse to make me feel like shit. and granted, im the only person responsible for how i choose to respond to situations and i am the only person responsible for my emotions, but its just too triggering in all honesty, for me to begin processing healthily. i need safety and i need space and i cant have that in this house. its insane that i pay 1000 dollars a month just to be mistreated and disrespected. im just so over it. im begging god and the universe and man literally anything that is listening to just get me out.

[theworldsoul]

Uhh warning VENT!!! Talks about self harm and shit... also religious bullshit and gender bullshit??? Like I'm really trans and also Catholicism really fucked me up so if ur uncomfy with that just... skip this post. Also if ur Christian and can't handle seeing ur shit defaced then skip this post. Also if ur gonna clown on this post as "cringe atheism" then fuck you because I'm literally coping with pain lol

:readmore:

Anways now that the disclaimer is over... here comes the real shit.

I... have been going through a LOT lately, jesus christ. I was HAPPY today, yknow? I thought I was gonna be happy the whole day.

I was dancing today. That's how happy I was. For the first time in like... a whole year... I was really so happy. I thought I was gonna cry. But then I got home. And well,,,, I did cry. But not from happiness. I just got my math grade back. A fucking 49 percent. MY AVERAGE RIGHT NOW IS A 57 PERCENT. I MIGHT FAIL MATH 20. I MIGHT HAVE TO RETAKE IT. oh my god I'm such a failure I cant do anything ever i try SO fucking hard but honestly??? I cant fucking do this. I can't, I'm not mentally capable. "Just work harder"... BITCH I AM WORKING AS HARD AS I CAN. I AM SPENDING HOURS AND HOURS OF MY LIFE STUDYING AND PRACTICING. I'm starting to think that how hard i try doesn't even fucking matter because I'm STUPID and all i know how to do is PAINT SHIT!!!! NOBODY CARES ABOUT ART!!!! IF I FAIL THIS CLASS I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO HAVE A HOUSE IN THE FUTURE!!!! A HOUSE!!!!!

I dont even want to be a fucking orthodontist. Okay??? I wanna do what I love: painting. But NOOOO. I have to get a "respectable" job that will "pay me enough money to live". WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO MAKE MONEY TO LIVE??? WTF??? THATS LITERALLY SO FUCKED UP. everyone deserves to live (unless they like murdered someone? I guess? Idk) BUT LIKE I DIDNT KILL NO ONE SO WHATS ALL THIS BS ABOUT WORKING TO LIVE???? WTF??? I rly gotta do all this shit I hate, all this shit I'm mentally incapable of doing... so i can have a house. Fuck this. Yknow with my average at a 57... I might fail this class even if I get a really good grade on my next quiz. Can you fucking believe it??? I'm literally so fucking stupid I cant even pass a dumb fucking math class god i hate myself. I cant fail this class. I've NEVER failed a class. Almost failed... but never HAD TO RETAKE A CLASS. that's the ultimate failure. I think my parents would hate me if I failed this.

And on top of that... I'm really struggling with uhhh, dysphoria and body image... and it's so fucking horrible man I want to rip all my skin off I want to suffocate god I want to KILL him I want to MAKE HIM SUFFER. I want to gouge his eyes out and force him to eat them. WHY WOULD HE MAKE ME LIKE THIS????? WHY????? WHATS THE POINT IN MAKING A CHILD SUFFER SO MUCH???

What did I ever do that was so wrong I deserved all this punishment???

Well FUCK YOU and fuck your stupid book and FUCK THESE STUPID FUCKING SAINTS. WASNT THERE SUPPOSED TO BE A WHOLEASS ANGEL WATCHING OVER ME?? PROTECTING ME??? WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT BITCH NOW?? WHERE WAS THAT BITCH WHEN... when I was being bullied? When I literally wanted to kill myself?

Where was that guardian angel when I kept making THE SAME MISTAKE over and over again and I KNEW it was wrong but I kept doing it anyways because it was the only way I could feel like soemone cared about me????

I bet that angel motherufcker KNEW they didnt care. DID THE ANGEL EVER ONCE HELP ME??? NOOOO. all those times I was bruised and broken... all those times...

Man, I was just a kid. I was SO fucking young. And I would come like a lamb to the slaughter and kneel. I would pray... ask for guidance. I would pray the rosary too, I would read the bible and try my very best to understand it, I would go to church and volunteer at church and do my best to be a Good Boy and never sin. I did EVERYTHING right. I literally fasted at some point, like a religious fast. I was devoted...

Honestly though? I think it was the same mistake I make over and over again, except not with a real person.

And you have me NOTHING. GO GIRL, GIVE US NOTHING!!!!!!! I literally used to self-punish for the sins I couldnt bring myself to confess. At my communion, there was one sin I didn't tell because I knew it was unforgivable. I still hate myself for that. But man, I used to try and do all sorts of things to somehow cleanse myself of it. I figured THAT whole ordeal was why I was constantly being tortured.

But I was stupid and I am stupid and that makes NO SENSE because if the thing I'm being punished for happened when I was a child, WHY DID THE PUNISHMENT BEGIN AT MY BIRTH????

They used to tell me that god handcrafted every part of me specifically for some sort of grand reason.

Why.

Really? This bitch really "handcrafted" me just so I could cry and cut myself nearly every night??? Fuck that. Like why would you make me this way. It hurts more than you can IMAGINE. The only reason I'm not dead yet is because of ME, MY strength, not any of the bullshit YOU gave me. I hate when people say "oh, god made u so hardworking" or "oh, god made you so passionate/hopeful/full of love/fiery/whatever" LIKE STFU BITCH THAT WAS NOT SKYDADDY THAT WAS ME!!!

you wanna know what he made me?

dysphoric, ugly af, yeah.... but the worst part?

He made me feel.

That doesn't sound bad, right? Well it's the worst thing on the list. It is my downfall, my Achilles heel or whatever. This emotions shit??? It RUINED my life. My whole life I was cursed with a fucking monster inside me. I kept trying to tell everyone that it wasnt me!!! I kept telling them that it felt like I was being possessed. But adults are SHIT. I hate adults. I want to kill them all. They failed me and their god failed me. None of them every listened to me. All they knew how to do was punish, punish, punish.

It's like giving an allergic kid some peanuts and then getting angry at them for going into anaphylactic shock or whatever. Nobody ever thought "hey, why don't we stop giving the kid peanuts?"

ALL THE ADULTS AROUND ME ACT LIKE CHILDREN AND THEY ALWAYS HAVE ACTED LIKE CHILDREN FUCK ADULTS

Anwyays that's how I ended up with all these unresolved issues,.... emotion is a tough one, like I literally dont have the ability to control my emotions at all, I can try and like, repress them but I cant make myself actually feel less.

My emotion hurts more than anyone else's and nobody ever understood that. I would tell them that it hurts, it PHYSICALLY HURTS, and they would say I just wanted attention. I would tell them I literally couldnt control what my body said and did, I would tell them I felt like A PUPPET ON STRINGS and no one believed me. Fuck them.

Healthy coping mechanisms? I literally self ship with Snape to cope. I literally self ship with characters my brain made up and put in my dreams to cope. I used to hurt myself so much trying to feel loved and cared about irl. Fiction is so much better. I sound like a loser but its TRUE. The sort of thing I need, the sort of love I need is like... a parent. You can't go looking for a parent in a romantic partner, it fucks everything up and you end up... well, let's just say it proabbly wasnt the most legal thing, but I wasnt thinking strisght at all I mean dude I was So fucked in my head when I did all that...whatever...anyways so thank u for fiction!!! I love fiction. Want to kill someone? Draw it. Then you'll feel much better!!! And you dont go to jail!!!

Well the pics here... idk, it was really calming to do this. It's new, painting over religious shit. I was gonna do the whole bible but I already burnt that shit so.... and I was going to cut but I'm trying really hard to stay clean... like really hard. It's so weird and like, addicting, once I hit styro I don't want to stop, but also it kinda transfers the emotional pain to physical pain, making it way easier to deal with. I just can't keep doing that because I KNOW it's bad and look I thoguht I was clean for a whole year but then I fucked up and WOW, GUESS WHAT MADE ME RELAPSE??? MATH CLASS!!!!

Whatever anyways here are my wonderful works of art I made while crying and cursing god (like I'm so pissed at all this catholic bs I believed in him again just to swear at him lol)

.... but imagine for a moment, a better world. One in whcih these saints whose images I've defaced are actually good people... a world in which they SEE ME AND THEY HEAR ME... and I go unpunished.... and I am embraced by someone who UNDERSTANDS.

I think I would cry.

Too bad that world doesnt exist and I just made it up to try and feel a bit better. Whatever, whatever. I painted the things, they're gonna dry. I work hard, I'm gonna do good on my quiz, I hope. I just have to be making it through, that's all it is, work work work without a break but I can proabbly do it. I'm really slipping I admit like the mental health is slipping it's getting worse like I havent had a "fuck I am afab" moment in such a long time so yeah...

Anwyays I feel so much better now that I did my little art project yknow???

#ughhh #parent your fucking kids #religious bullshit #adults dont fuck up the children you are in charge of challenge #religion don't fuck up trans kids challenge #good dick really breaks a motherfucker #vent

[kaytymfknelise-blog]

I have no idea what I am doing

So, i had this bright idea to make a blog. I guess the idea behind this is to just let people know there is hope, even though life is hard, and fast, and confusing af.  So, I guess today I’m just gonna spew off who i am and how i got to this point.  So the first thing you should all know is that i am a lifestyle coach. My mission is to inspire people and help them get through the rough stuff, cause I’m like a pro at it.  Also, I am an addict in recovery.  I had a serious 5 year love affair with heroin.  They told me during my 4 months in rehab that 1. relapses happen and 2. Don’t expect anything to work out the way you think, don’t depend on ANYTHING but yourself.  Well, I was 25 then and i knew more then them, obviously! I wasn’t ready to grow.  I was ready to learn, but i was definitely in control of my life and knew all the right things.  (this is sarcasm, for those of you a bit confused) So I left rehab and killed the mother fucking game for 6 months.  Then I moved closer to my old stomping grounds, went to a bonfire and got mixed up with some old friends, and some new ones.  The night ended with me being to drunk to remember how I got home, or who my new boyfriend was.  That new boyfriend did coke, which I’d done when i was like in high school, but hadn’t touched it in years, I didn’t then either, but the seed was planted. After he dumped me and tried to hand me off to one of his friends, I felt like shit, so I asked for coke. Instead I found crack.  In 3 months I went from 100% sober to being the worst junkie i had ever been. My dealers hated me cause I was annoying as fuck, but they would benefit by the end, so fuck em’. My husband (now ex-husband) decided he would start selling crack! Brilliant idea when your wife is a crack fiend.  Then this dude left me in charge of his night sales, cause I obviously didn’t sleep. Well I smoked all the crack - can you believe it?  We were broke, I was a terrible human, I had lost myself for the billionth time, but this time I had 6 months sober, so I knew this was possible.  Recovery is different for everyone, for me my environment is a huge factor, I have to completely relocate to maintain my sobriety. So after 5 years of my mom begging for me to come to Maine, I finally go. (worst. decision. ever. but we will get there!). So now i am a very recent ex stripper, covered in tattoos, with purple hair-in the most judgemental place I have ever been. Well to say I stood out would be a massive understatement. I mean the way spanish and black dudes look at white chicks with nice butts; that's how these conservative bible humpers looked at me. I had never seen anything like it, and i was a white girl with a nice butt in the hood, so Ive gotten looks! It didn’t take me long to get a job and get myself out there, I colored my hair black (boring), took out my piercings (lame), and stopped wearing high heels (why?). But I was a waitress, I was sober,making bank, had a beautiful family I was pretty happy.  4 years go by, I get yet another boyfriend (I’m way divorced by this point), who decides to punch my kitchen window out. Well, apparently in the state of Maine when you call the police because you feel unsafe, they take away your kids.  So, here I am  soberish (wine is a thing) with no kids, and no clue wtf just happened.  So, when your manic bipolar and your life is falling apart you do some crazy shit, have sex with everyone (my personal fave), spend all your money (I like this one too), Pick up and move your entire life within like 7 hours (this one is fun as well). So I found the biggest, baddest, “sexiest” dude I could.  He spent 20 years in prison, was a felon, no job, no car - ya know, a real winner.  Well this man, I don’t know what it was about him, but my god he has a knack for ruining fucking lives, or getting you to ruin your own is probably more accurate. Well, this asshole brings a bag of heroin IN MY FUCKING HOUSE and offers it to me.  So I’m the type of junkie that if i cant IV that shit, ill pass - that’s wasting.  Well when you have fake balls you have to shoot testosterone, how convenient. Now I’m banging dope after 4 YEARS sober *face palm*.  Well this dude and my best friend of 3 years fucked in my bed and left together, their still together tho, so there’s a positive?  Well, losing my best friend was fucking HARD; I mean that girl was my WHOLE LIFE, like I cant even explain the closeness I *thought* we had. So guess what I did? Heroin, that’s what. Did that shit 2 more times, then was like dude, wtf are you doing!? I stopped for awhile, but when the state took my kids, one went to her dad - so I had to go to CT to see her.  So I pull into Hartford, CT (this is my biggest trigger, i know exactly where to get everything I need, quickly. I avoid Hartford at all costs).  So, I pull in and my original plans fell through, so I called my friend to chill, but upon arrival that also fell through. Bad bad news.  So I go shoot up, and overdose. this being the THIRD time I ODd, and the worst biggest fuck up because my kid wasn’t far. Hate me all ya want, It was horrible and disgusting, I agree - but it happened. About 4/5 days before my overdose I joined this amazing group of ladies, all rocking their businesses, getting fit, and being GENUINELY happy.  When I saw this, I knew I wanted it.  When I overdosed, I knew I needed it. Fast forward to today, its been a month or so since that horrific day, I have a med card so besides bud I haven’t put anything substance like in my body.  I have lost 16 pounds, my energy levels are higher then ever, my mental state is definitely improved, anxiety is down, depression altered a bit, def still bipolar but managing fabulously, considering the circumstances.  I still cry, I carry guilt, I feel weird being in a home with no children, things are by no means perfect, but EVERYDAY, I wake up, I show up, and i implement practices and habits to make my life better and be my best self.  I surround myself with ladies that respect themselves, and other women.  I relocated from that shitty little judgmental town. I live in a place that's more “city” and I can tell you for the first time ever I am looking at the POSITIVES, and only that.  I refuse to let anything negative around me; it still hits, people still try, but I have learned to pull my energy away from that.  After 4 years sober, the sobriety doesn't scare me at all, It is how quickly you can go right back is something you denied so strongly, and fought so hard to end up at what feels like the beginning, but life will always teach you. So, I think I am writing this blog because I need to hold myself accountable, I need somewhere to be honest, and my life since about 16 has been anything but easy; I’m here to reassure you, you can do this, you can come out on the other end, all you have to do is show up! Today I am alive, and free, and I have a good life! xo.

#soberissexy #recovery #perserverence #lifestylecoach #lifeonlifesterms #noonesperfect #wealljustwanttobehappy #goaldigger #strength #doit

[williamcheart]

- ̗̀ * ( bill skarsgard + cismale + he/him ) have you seen ( william ‘colt’ heart ii ) walking around campus ? they are a ( twenty-four ) year old, studying ( business + literature ). we hear they are in ( omicron tau xi ), and can be ( composed & detached ), maybe it’s because they are an ( aquarius ). they sort of remind us of ( chicken scratch handwriting, trembling hands, a coach’s whistle ), maybe we can find out more ! * ̖́- + literary magazine

u were all wondering whomstve the bill skarsgard fc reserve was . . . . it was I and i have no mcfuckin’ regrets. we love. and stan. william colton heart the second

tw. cancer, death, substance abuse, car accident, mental illness.

gen info!

full name: william colton heart ii

nickname(s): will to his family, colton/just colt to p much everybody else. his full name is reserved for family and when he’s in troubule tbh

b.o.d. - feb. 19th he an aquarius bby

label(s): the fallen, the phoenix, the crestfallen, etc. etc.

height: tall but taller than benjy tall like we’re talking a whopping 6′4″ jfc

hometown: beaufort, south carolina !!

sexuality: b...i...?

bio info!

born n raised in beaufort, south carolina--william is the eldest heart sibling

was a really quiet kid, tbh, like he minded his business and stuck close to the people he knew

always, always wanted to impress his parents, so he always studied hard for school and kind of put all his focus into it ??

it was a pressure for him, really, bc he’d always been told that he’s gonna inherit the family business like how his dad did, etc. etc.

and like...sweetie never wants to disappoint anyone, ever.

he was never considered a nerd tho?? like he’s always been freakishly tall, and his quietness sort of made him intimidating to be around b/c it always felt like he was judging u bc he’d always have to look down at u

has always been super protective over his younger siblings, feels as if it’s his duty to be the put-together brother

he’s never had to fight anybody tho, and like, thank god for that b/c he’s definitely not a fighter, considers himself to be a pacifist for the most part

bc like...he can just stare u down and ur like uuuh gtg bye !!1!111!!!

anyways, grew up riding horses, finds it v v peaceful but he stopped when they moved to california

but track has always been his kinda thing regardless of where he’s at, tried out for track his freshmen yr of high school n was the star of the team tbh

he met a gal going by the name dinah during a track meet the middle of his freshmen yr

she was taking photos for the yearbook and stuttered over her words more often than not, even when she teased william

and like...tbh? william adored her immediately

it really wasn’t soon at all until they started dating, like, they were the high school couple

they complimented each other v v well and were prolly always together lbr

i’m hc’ing that his family also adored dinah like it’s law

dinah is the one who like...really encouraged him to pursue writing as something more serious than just for fun, because will had always enjoyed writing--esp poetry--but he didn’t want it to get in the way of his future w the stables ??

and like...fuck, they were so cute, guys. they were so mf cute.

dinah got diagnosed w/ lung cancer in the beginning of their junior year; she began online school halfway thru b/c she didn’t have the energy physically to go to class, went thru a looot of chemo

william was with her the entire time, y’know, if he wasn’t in school or at track he’d probably be with her the most, trying to cheer her up in the ways he could, helped her study for their SATs bc he knew it was rly important to her

by the summer she was in remission and they thought that was it--still super fucking careful, but they really genuinely thought that that was the end of it y’know ?? that she’d just be better ??

they got into a few months of senior year with her being healthy enough to go to school again, but the further time passed...dinah relapsed, rapidly, and the cancer had spread to other parts of her body

they spent their last valentine’s day in the hospital, and the next day she was gone

it...crushed william, just kind of changed his life, y’know? dinah was all he knew and he really didn’t know how to live w/o her

spent a lot of his time locked away in his room or never even home to begin with, just wandering about hopelessly or sleeping, or trying to sleep that is

poured his heart into his poetry, though--in dinah’s honor, he tried so mf hard to keep doing what he loved even though he was so hurt

it was because of his constant hard work, and dinah’s past encouragements, that william entered and won a poetry contest during his senior year. got a hella scholarship that made everybody proud of him, just b/c he was ~defying odds~

kinda put on this mask so that others wouldn’t see how bad he was doing ?? b/c he’s the level-headed brother, y’kno, the one who always had his shit together and knew what he was doing

dinah and william won cutest couple and even prom king n queen as a sort of tribute to dinah but will didn’t even go to prom tbh he got drunk and threw cans of beer off of a cliff

anyways, he graduated high school n attended ucla bc that was his dad’s school and gdi he’s tryn his best to follow in his footsteps

even got into his dad’s frat b/c he was that determined

he didn’t rly partake much in parties but he did indulge every once in a while, y’know, just to do it, was finally getting his shit back together and doing well for once y’know?? he joined track n took it p seriously

when angela heart died, all of that fell apart again

he took an entire year off of school b/c at that point his mental health had taken a really bad turn, depression was sort of controlling his life and he was spiraling so mf far down that he sometimes couldn’t recognize himself

during that time he published his first and second poetry book under w.c. heart; it’s super morbid, depressing, you can pretty much feel his depression as it manifests in the pages. it begins with poetry from his earlier years, of when he was with dinah and then afterwards, when she dies

the second poetry book is about healing, and then how sometimes you can fall back even when you’re doing good (i.e. around the time lil baby angel died)

when he finally did go back to school he had a much better mindset, seemed to be doing well--was one of the best on the track team--partied a little harder, did drugs more often than usual but nothing too extreme y’know ??

his junior year he got into a p bad car accident n derailed into a body of water after crashing his side of the car into another and losing control of his vehicle

like honestly thank god for the stranger who immediately stopped their car and went totally-hero on the situation, they got william out of the car before he could drown and essentially saved his life, before calling 911 and just. disappearing as soon as the sirens were audible

somehow his left leg got mc’fucked in the incident and it just so happened to ruin his track career

also gave william a fear of swimming/deep water + driving. like. he never wants to be in control of a car again. it really added onto his anxiety and was probably the root of his panic disorder tbh

he took another year off of school to recover from his injuries and to just fucking...put himself in some therapy, because he knows. when it’s time to take care of himself. is really still determined to b the best, he’s just trying to take his time now.

got addicted to painkillers b/c of the injury, sought them out after his prescription ran out; it varies between oxy, vicodin, n percocets and like...they mix really badly w/ his antidepressants tbh ??

that’s v v hush-hush bc he doesn’t want people to worry about him moreso than they already do after like...all these tragic mf events y’know.

he had moved out of his greek house to live on his own but after his second time coming back to ucla he moved back in b/c that way somebody could kick his ass if he fell down the rabbit hole again y’know

his antidepressant, lexapro, causes hallucinations and now he’s been seeing dinah everywhere, hearing her voice, etc. etc. he thinks he’s finally going insane and also keeps it v hush hush b/c he doesn’t want people to think he is

he looks worse for wear but he just. keeps on pretendin’.

personality!

he’s just ... really calm tbh?

he’s always been the (or one of the) least fussy child, hated starting conflicts

if anything he’s always been a mediator ?? the peacemaker, tries to resolve things before they get outta hand

he hates fighting, physical n verbal, refuses to partake in it

even when dinah n him would get into arguments he’d be really quiet during them

that being said he wasn’t like antisocial or anything just bc he was quiet y’know ??

he was the quiet cool dude who was always popular for some fucking reason (its the height im telling u) and offered rly good advice

he’s a big fucking softie lemme tell u . . . he cries at most movies tbh

v intelligent, still carries small dumbass energy b/c he doesn’t make the best choices as u can tell

v v good at his craft, has been working on his third poetry book but has a lil bit of writer’s block atm and it’s ? torturing him tbh ?

he’s got a sense of humor but it’s like . . . kind of morbid tbh like he deals w shit via locking up his emotions and using humor as a coping mechanism

he’s a sentimental piece of shit tho we love him. he has a bottle of dinah’s favorite perfume and sprays his bed w it before he goes to sleep

that being said he really...isn’t over her, still, y’know ??

he’s 100% sure that she was his soulmate and he doesn’t think she could ever be replaced

(silly boy u cant replace people ! u just. meet people who fit u in other ways.)

hates being babied b/c he’s the oldest goddammit, that’s his job

he has a lil bit of a limp but like . . . that’s just bc his leg hurty

did i mention he’s protective bc he 100% is like listen.

he can bully his siblings. u cannot. that’s the rule sorry

even when his siblings r bullying each other he like body-flops on top of them and is p much like fucking Stop

he’s in his last yr of college but he’s doing grad school right after b/c he rly. doesn’t wanna b a partner w his dad. he doesn’t wanna own the stables or breed horses. he’s troy bolton and writing is his singing, horsebreeding is his basketball.

okay he really wants to know who tf pulled him outta the water b/c he never got to say thank u and he’s just like ?? LET ME SAY THANK U GODDAMMIT

he’s lowkey in the party scene but he’s also a bit of a wallflower when it comes to them, he prefers to drink his alcohol n watch ppl b idiots or sit on a roof high off his ass with a pal

he’ll fuck u but he wont date u but like so will most of the guys so he’s not unique he’s just a hashtag tortured artist

like it’s so hard for him to connect w others in a potentially romantic way ?? bc he just doesn’t feel anything and u cant really blame him for it tbh

has panic attacks n insomnia but u aint hear it from me

ironically........has taken up smoking cigarettes, as well.......even tho his gf died from lung cancer.......will why?

oh right bc i commanded thee

wanted connections !!

WHO PULLED HIM OUTTA THAT MF CAR CRASH ?? - i wanna know mf !!

his siblings uwu - GIVE US THE LAST HEART. PLEASE.

roommate - !! they can b chill or hate each other tbh who knows

frat bros - please.

uuuh general friends i guess ??

will they wont they - they’re rly close but will is really dumb and straight refuses to acknowledge the fact that they’d b like . . . perfect together

general unrequited things - william is emotionally unavailable, lmao, let’s see how that works w others

current hookups - he’s a bit of a slut, let’s b real. we ain’t shaming him b/c we don’t do that in 2k19 but we also speaking truths

good influences - please...help him get better

confidantes - somebody he just can fuckin complain to w/o feeling shitty or guilty for it

bad influences - make him. worse. he’s doing bad but he’s not at his worst yet.

anything. else. u want. i will do. i can do. i am god. i have ultimate power. william is my pAWN.

#uclas:intro #lmao here he is #please love him he's fragile #he's a good boy he's just a lil damaged #very damaged #but ykno...he's fine #smoking tw #uwuwuwuwu

[sluuuug]

mmmm idk if the read more thing works on mobile but if it doesnt and u dont want to see some depressing bullshit skip this bc i.. rly need to rant

i really haven’t been so fucking sad since i left nyc for the summer, this fucking depressive episode has lasted like 3 weeks and honestly i am so fucking tired of it. i cant talk about it to anyone because 1. who wants to hear about that unless theyre getting paid 2. i’ve isolated myself from like pretty much all my friends because of work/depression/being a piece of shit, and who wants someone texting them out of the blue like “oh im so sad can i talk to you” i don’t want to put that on people i love and it might just push them away more than i have already by just being fucking absent. and like going off of that????? i hate myself an INCREDIBLE amount, like i hate how i look and how i act towards people and i didn't feel like this as much while ago. i hate how i always feel like I'm forcefully pushing into people’s lives and not giving them anything of real value, like I'm not anything more than a temporary blip to anyone. I'm like,, way too much and simultaneously not enough for anyone it’s horrible i wish i wasn’t like this. i hate how this girl looked up to me and she’s gone now and she didn’t fucking deserve to die, i feel so guilty that i wasn't a better friend to her, i don’t even remember the last thing i said to her but i looked at the pictures of her prom dress she sent me last year and I'm just fucking destroyed. apart from that i thought id feel better when i came home from school and i did for a while but i’m really fucking struggling right now and i’m so tired of wanting to die all the time because i know how happy i can be when my brain doesn't make everything seem so fucking bleak. i want to fucking relapse so bad!!!!!!!!!!! i don’t even know how to help myself with any of this!!!!!!!!! its too late to talk to a therapist or anyone before i go back to school and i just want to not want to kill myself all the fucking time god damn. i know if i fuck up my legs at all ill probably go too hard and have to go to the hospital again and i have work and i just can't but god dude it feels like there’s a fucking black pit in my stomach almost all the time and i really don’t know what to do about this anymore because especially after today i recognize that life is so valuable but i still want to fucking die.

#delete later #sorry for this

[anxiously-articulated-art]

My Letter To You That You’ll Never Get:

I’m gonna fucking miss you. Not only because I love you with everything in me but because you were also my best fucking friend. The one person I wanted to call at the end of the day. The one I wanted to share everything with. This is what I feared most. Losing you all together. We travelled the world together. We raised a beautiful fur baby together. We were figuring life out and doing really good. Or so I thought. And one day it all just stopped. The love. The laughs. The romancing. Instead it was replaced with anger, resentment and ridicule. One day I no longer saw love in your eyes. I saw resentment. Annoyance. And my heart shattered. I know you said you never cared about me. But I don’t believe that. The moments we shared. The passion. The tears. The hugs. And it fucking feels like fire that you deny all of it. That you killed off your feelings for me. 

I know I go against everything that you’ve always known. Financial security, vanity... I’m a goofy looking dude. And I don’t have the security you want. But you knew this from the beginning when you were my best friend. You knew I was transitioning to be a man and the hardships I suffered prior. The history with my exs and family. My deep rooted trauma. How do you get into a relationship with me knowing all of that? And at the end of the day its the very same reason you left me. You talked about marrying me. You were sending ring ideas to my sister, connecting with my grandma and my nieces and nephews. Telling my grandma that you want me to put a ring on it. AND your family. Taking me costa rica with your family for the holidays, look into moving out of state with me, talking about getting your eggs frozen for surrogacy and DECIDING ON A LITTLE GIRLS NAME WITH ME (ROWAN- Ill never fucking forget), just to fucking leave me when I catch you stepping out line on our relationship. 

Like do you resent me because I was more of a hoe than you during my time being single? are you mad at me that I didn’t stop us from dating or moving in together? Because you wanted time to hoe around? Or are you really that shallow and transphobic that you cant date a transgender that you practically planned an entire life with and raised a fur baby with and DECIDED ON A FUTURE CHILDS NAME WITH. O FUCKING K. Doesn’t make fucking sense to me.

But I also realize that with the stress of trying to fit in the life you wanted me living, I was self destructing and it was contributing to the end of our relationship. I was so unhappy being that sales man you wanted me to be so I could provide financial security. I was upset that I no longer had lacrosse. I wanted to find a different path in life. And every time I tried to travel that road we would just butt heads all the time. I became angry that all you cared about was our image, I  had no idea what I was walking into in terms of financial upkeep regarding our relationship. And little did you know I sold most of my prized possessions and committed horrible crimes to attempt to finance our lifestyle. I was drowning. And I became angry and stopped loving you in your love language. I stopped listening to your soul because mine was ravaged and chaotic. I stopped loving you tenderly. I stopped making you feel like my world. And I was wrong in that. And you know I will always own up to my shit. In fact I expect you to call me out on it, it was foundation to our friendship. It’s why I fell in love with you. Calling me out for treating a homeless man poorly. And the time I talked to rudely to the natural grocers employee. It’s the reason I loved you. You always pushed me to be a better man. Then one day it stopped. And you starting just making different choices. You were fighting people when the girl I met would have handled it like an adult with a conversation. I don’t know what happened. 

I know you suffer from crippling mental health issues. But those were never the problem in our relationship. I would have never loved you any less. And I would have done what ever was necessary to make sure you were okay. You made me promise after therapy together that if you got worse that I would take care of you. AND IM SO MAD I CANT RIGHT NOW BECAUSE YOU DECIDED THAT I WAS DISPOSABLE.

I’m angry because you disregarded everything about our relationship. and that shit felt REAL to me. Even to this day I still love you with the same passion and intensity as the day I first met you. I’m angry that I was so easy for you to drop. That my family was so easy for you to disregard. That our little family was so easy for you to throw away. I’m angry because all I wanted was a conversation. Honesty. Transparency. Everything we always promised to each other since DAY 1 of our friendship. I’m angry because I gave you so many outs. I offered you so many other options and solutions. But you chose to stay committed to me and make me believe we were really doing this life thing together. Only for it to literally fall apart within hours. 

Like I watched you almost die. You almost died on me trying to lose weight because of the pressure you feel from your family and the society you grew up in. My heart was broken. You will never know how many times I cried in the shower after that day. You will never know how many times on my drives to work early in the morning I prayed to god he would help me keep you safe. And I still pray to him that he keeps you and lincoln safe. I pray every single damn day.

And I think of you both. Every day. Every morning. Every night. Almost every fucking moment of the fucking day. And its nauseating. Doctors basically gave me horse tranqs so I could function without losing my shit. And I’m doing all of this to prevent myself from relapsing. I told you if we ended that I’d probably never move on and dive back into drugs and die in a ditch somewhere ODed or something. Well I’m doing the exact opposite. I’m getting in shape. Getting rid of my debt. Finding a good paying gig that I am actually happy with. Getting involved in the community and staying sober. I’m taking care of myself because you once told me “ I can’t bury another love ya know?”, you wanted me to take care of my body to prolong my inevitable demise. And you even promised me you’d be there in the end pushing my wheelchair. 

And because you told me that you were mad at me once for not giving you your “chance” with k****. And you asked me “well what if I was happy with her”... because your lesbian label means everything to you. And I knew this time I just had to let go. And cut my losses. Lincoln. My collection of books. My art. My family. You. Like there was no reasoning with you. You just hated me and wanted to spit hate at me any chance you could and I truly didn’t understand why you hated me so much. I was the one who got cheated on. More than once. And forgave you. Were you mad just because you got caught? How long would have kept that up if I hadn’t know? How long were you going to toy with me? Did you actually mean your final words you said to me? Is this how you wanted it to end? 

And like, I’m not even mad at you. I just want to understand. Because I meant what I said, I love you so much I’ll do anything to make you happy. And I truly want you to be the happiest ever in life. And I understand why you do the certain things that you do. I saw first hand the trauma you experienced your whole life. And I am so sorry. I didn’t know how to help. I didn’t know how to handle things. Maybe I was too emotionally inept to truly understand your world and I can’t apologize enough for that. I’m sorry my transition affected us as much as it did. Not a single day goes by that I wish it hadn’t. I’m sorry I didn’t treat you the best towards the end. I recognize that. And I wish I could have corrected my behavior sooner. I wish I handled things differently. I wish at the end I would have reminded you more about how much I love you and I want the best for you rather than radio silence. Because then maybe we could have closure.

But I’ll never know. Because I will never be the one to reach out to you. And I doubt you’ll ever try to contact me. 

Just know I will fucking miss you. And lincoln. Give her my love. And I wish you the best. 

I will always love you. I’m sorry.

Your root. 

Logan

[gh0stpkmn]

ok sorry for droppin rambly shit in the yooran tag again but! ok. headcanon:

while happy supportive yooran where they’re instantly bffs is so Good and Pure, i feel like another possible way they could start out is.... they Dont like each other at all. they’re almost enemies. they have beef. 

putting this under a readmore because its Long sorry. also a link to the beginnings of a fic for this.

(i feel i should mention that i wanted to include the inevitable Rika Conversation™ where saeran is having a relapse/regression moment and slipping into ‘Unknown’ territory bbbbut that seems a bit too heavy and doesn’t really fit in anywhere here. that could be a separate post or ficlet idk)

OK SO. How does this dumb thing start?? let’s set this scene

so... while it’s unlikely that saeyoung would let saeran interact all that much with the rfa until he feels he’s ready (maybe around time of the little rfa get-together in secret ending 2) i’m imagining a scenario where... yoosung is briefly at the bunker.

i wrote this interaction in a lil’ drabble bbbut idk if i’ll write everything as an actual fanfic.

  it’s HERE if you want to read it tho!!!!

ok. after this exchange yoosung is just suuuuuper taken aback. he tells himself to brush this off because, again, saeran has been through some shit. he’s probably just not used to people yet. deep down though, he feels kind of hurt and offended.

saeyoung probably just. interrupts to diffuse the situation or smth and tell yoosung that maybe he should leave. apologizes for his brother’s behavior blah blah blah “he just needs time to adjust to everything.”

but. it keeps happening. and the weird tension from their first meeting kind of just.. carries over into their next interaction. and the next. and the one after that

it’s at a point where saeran is less aggressive, less abrasive... he’s just very shy and withdrawn like we see in secret ending 2. he talks in the messenger sometimes, but not often... but when he comes to the chatroom and yoosung is online, he logs out. at rfa meetings / get-togethers, he avoids yoosung

because yoosung is exhausting to be around and he Cant deal with it...(saeyoung is too but he has to deal with that 24/7 anyways)

gradually, saeran opens up to the rfa a little more. he talks a bit more in the chat. sometimes tries making a few jokes. he comes to most if not all the rfa events with his brother. and obviously he’s way more comfortable around his brother and mc, but also he’s on decent terms with the other members.

except. for. yoosung!

now he’s not actively avoiding yoosung, but not making any attempt to talk to him either. if they have to talk at all, interactions are very brief and stiff and uncomfortable. they tolerate each other, but barely. 

eventually saeran starts making little comments now and then? like. they’re probably stuck together working on an rfa thing, or yoosung is over hanging out with saeyoung and saeran passes by to the kitchen or to say smth to saeyoung IDK. they have moments where they’re forced to spend time together, and it’s just very very tense.

and at this point Yoosung is Annoyed!!! because saeran is so rude and won’t even try to be friends with him. what an asshole. god.

he gets even angrier when saeran starts making little quips at him. little tiny comments every now and then and they’re not always outright rude or mean but.... his tone is very Deadpan and kind of sarcastic... sometimes he will be rude and mumble a complaint abt yoosung to himself or mock him under his breath, which yoosung hears and gets mad and huffy about

the Last Fucking Straw is at an rfa event of some kind. maybe a party?? yeah. yoosung walks in, ready to have a fun time with his rfa family. he is So prepared for the party and in a great mood. he’s greeting them, everyone is showing up and greeting each other. and then he turns his head 

and sees saeran standing there, blank faced. and before yoosung can force himself to be polite and say hello, saeran just says, deadpan

“your roots are showing”

YOOSUNG IS DONE!! He’s so pissed off!!!!! he fucking knows his roots are showing! he’s been so busy with school that he hasn’t had a chance to touch up his hair in a while. he can’t even bring himself to ignore the comment and try to be nice, he is d-o-n-e. 

his face gets so red, and his fists ball up, and his shoulders tense and he explodes 

“Saeran, what the HELL did I ever do to you??? Why are you like this? I’ve been nothing but nice since we met, but you’re always so damn rude!! What’s with you? Why can’t we just get along and be friends?”

he’s embarrassed at himself but more pissed off that saeran isn’t saying anything. his expressed has barely changed, but he’s blinking at him and looking maybe just a little confused, tilting his head a bit

nd he’s like.

“we are friends”

yoosung is. So confused. SO FUCKING Confused. 

“what? but you hate me!”

“um. no.”

“but you’re always mumbling under your breath that i’m annoying! you say rude things and mock me!”

saeran just. shrugs. avoids eye contact and shove his hands in his pockets.  he says “you are annoying” like it’s a fact and kinda. walks away to go do other things

yoosung is left there confused and frustrated but not as mad as he thinks he should be

OK and like? insight into saeran’s side..... saeran’s annoyance w/ yoosung just gradually fades away as he gets better and opens up to people, but he feels weird at first doing a complete 180 and treating yoosung super friendly. part of him also isn’t ready for yoosung’s dramatically cheerful “gosh i KNEW we could be friends” and big hugs and all that

also because.......... he likes seeing yoosung huffy and frustrated. it’s really funny to him. he likes it? a lot more than he probably should to be honest. and at this point he just automatically considers them friends. at least in his mind? idk. his thought process is like “i don’t totally hate them and i think they’re okay to be around so... friend.” 

as for the roots comment he made?? it goes a bit deeper than all this fluffy silly stuff. like... for saeran, it’s really easy to trigger flashbacks or panic attacks for him? so many little things remind him of his mom or mint eye, rika, etc. it’s hard... i feel like there’s some vague discomfort he feels around yoosung when he’s reminded about how strongly yoosung cares/cared for rika. 

and it’s easy enough to keep it under control because yoosung doesn’t talk about her that much anymore, bbbbbut like. sometimes... saeran remembers someone mentioning that yoosung dyed his hair to be closer to rika. they don’t really look alike (bc she was adopted if i remember correctly?) but the blond hair and the significance behind it can get to him sometimes. 

so when yoosungs natural roots start showing he is... really relieved? really happy too tbh. bc he kind of maybe sort of genuinely likes hangin around w yoosung! and now he can see that little sign that he really is his own person, not just some kid who idolizes (idolized?) the person who abused him. ye.

anyways from here on saeyoung probably teases yoosung when yoosung asks him what the Fuck is going on w his brother. he’s like 

“lol how did you not notice that he likes being around you? it’s so obvious. he wouldn’t do things like stay in the room while we’re playing games to stare at the back of your head for 3 more seconds if he didn’t like you!! come on, dude.”

(yoosung didnt notice that tho whoops)

and “the teasing or whatever? pissing you off? holy shit dude that makes it even MORE obvious that he’s chill with you”

yoosung stays confused until he decides to talk to saeran about it and they start like. actually having proper conversations. and hanging out. and they both feel pretty awkward at first but their relationship gradually develops until they’re really good friends.

and then eventually, really good boyfriends. whooops.

that’s it’s own post altogether tho so i’ll leave it at that

if ur reading this, thank u for bearing with me thru my rambling. god.

#under a cut but SO FUCKING LOOONG #im? so sorry. holy shit. #yooran #. gh0st blabs #mysme spoilers ?? thats a given

[lifeofaweed]

Wowee dude just loves being mean to me. I ordered pizza and he said he wanted pizza and i was like lol id invite u but. And he goes i have work tomorrow so no. So i was llie yeh i wasnt actually inviting u cause we've been hanging for two days and maybe need a break lol. And he was like yeah i need a break from you. And im just like shit why does that make me feel bad even tho i just said that too. and he just goes cause ur stupidly attached even tho im not and i repeatedly say so. And i tried to be like haha lol thats rude. And he just goes "not rude, true." and i was like listen dude i dont wanna get into this. And he goes well im tired. And i go yeah me too but sleep is gonna be hard. And he just goes "well have fun with that night". Like each message was like half an hour inbetween and god hes made me feel so bad today. Like first his friends made me feel bad and then he starts doing his thing. Like God today started off so good. Its shit like this that makes me feel bad for going home with him. Like he cant figure out why id be embarrassed or ashamed of myself for sleeping with him and he sits there and says like ooh what makes me bad. Like cause you do bad things to me and you make me feel bad. I fucking relapsed and my life is in god damn shambles and he asks me to tell him how hes bad

[rochellemkeiser-blog]

No answer

Well, i did it again. I left one more time. And i came back just to leave. I called Robert again and he didn't answer. The same thing i did when i needed closure from Alli. I remember calling her and said that if she didn't answer that it was my time to move on and thats exactly what i did. I called him 3 times... 3 times to many and none of them did he answer. But this was the final end to the end. The book of Robert and Rochelle has been closed and i will most likely never read it again. I thought he was going to be a chapter in my life but it turned out to be much more than that. We quickly were too much to just be a small meaningless chapter. He wasn't small to me and he sure as hell wasn't meaningless, thats why he was a book. 

I have been talking about it so much with my roommate.Everything i have said doesn't make any sense to her. Robert is just a complex man. I coudlnt even tell you what he ever thought of me. Probably so thick girl in math class with low self esteem that would be easy to get into bed if he said all the right things too. I remember when we first talked, when he first asked me out, our fist kiss, our everything. he was my first. I knew i loved him when i cared more about him then i did myself. I listnted to a song a few days ago, Like i loved you by Brett Young and i sware that this song was written in my point of view. Basically says that why would you want me to stick around when you just want to be friends and you'll get over me don't worry. Thats exactly what i said to him when i broke up. He likes this girl at work... obviously i am not enough for him. I never will be. I can give my everything, just like i did for a whole year and it will never be enough. I can be there by his hospital bed everyday and overnight, i can call him everynight to see how his day went, i can leave my friends and spend 5 hrs with him watching him play video games, i can get along with his family, i can do everything he needs but i can be everything he wants and i never will give him the one thing he absolutely cant live without. Arm candy. Im not that. My face is not good enough for him, my face is not worthy of being seen with him, not worthy of meeting his friends. God only knows if my heart made the cut but my face surely didn't. I can say that i didn't believe it but i do. He told me that he was going to fuck me up, i knew he was going to do it too but i guess i didn't want to believe it. But who am i kidding, he played me like a fool, he used me, lied to me, he never cared. He pushed me away when he could have just said, ok well we really need to stay friends because i would rather never touch you again then loose you forever. When i was i hawaii w agreed to be friends because he said that he never had good luck dating his friends, well drunk asshsole, i wonder why the fuck you never had god luck. You treat women and people in your life like shit. I was 18 going thru all that when i didn't need too but i did it because i loved you and if the world was in reverse and i was going thru this i would want someone who cared about me by my side. i knew he wouldn't have stayed tho. The minute he found out, he would have xed me out of his life so quick.

 Everything between us didn't make sense. i wanted a realtionship with him and he wanted to fuck me when he was horny. I never knew what we were, never! It was always up n the air. I thought we were dating, i slept over, we would involved sexually, emotionally, talked eveyday, he told me he never felt this way. Go out to the movies, hold hands. But who the fuck knows with him. 

Honestly i wish i was strong enough to stay with him and be friends. Some days i think i am, and all the other 359 days i know i am not. That strength is just manipulation. I gave him so many chances and yes, he did  say he cared about me but not once did he ask how my day was or ecknowledge me and my health, or care to know when my fucking birthday is. And he just wanted to keep me around to stroke his ego and his dick. Thats all i was good for. Well i needed someone to tell me i I'm pretty( i couldn't even pay him to tell me that big of a lie) and to ask me how my day is. I was so consumed in his problems. He told me that he wishes i figure my shit out, well dude now that you're out of my life i think i have.

I pray that he doesn't relapse and wind up hurting himself again. Because if he does then idk what i would do. What i want for him is to be happy but i can say with all my heart that i never want to talk to him or see him ever again. He was not a mistake but he was a big lesson in my life. This next book is going to be all about me. 

[blackrupee]

What the fuck!!! The GM who acts like a pussy is hiring his step kids?!?! Is that even allowed?? And wow, I didn't know you got suspended. I was suspended in 2015 for showing up 10 mins late bc my car died:/ feel the struggle. I feel like they are gonna take advantage of the fact that their stepdad is the boss basically. Will they get paid more you think? I hope you two don't get fired or suspended... just be careful!!

im sorry i had an entire reply to this typed out on my phone this morning before the tumblr app crashed and lost everything and i was so pissed i didnt try again

but yeah. looked it up and apparently nepotism laws only apply to like government positions. its still hella unethical tho

and im not concerned about them getting PAID more its just that theyre taking my hours/possibly my job if they decide to fire me. plus theyre going to tell the gm everything we do “wrong” and holy shit thats going to aggravate my paranoia. like. the gm hadnt left yet but his shithead stepson finished his shift and was waiting in the lobby and i could feel his eyes on me as i was standing waiting on potato cakes to hand out. “alec was just standing around” no i WASNT but alan doesnt care. no one cares. this whole situation is turning into a fucking mess. im so god damn exhausted and tired and pissed and miserable but i know i dont deserve to be. idk

when i got suspended for BULLSHIT reasons that NO ONE HAD INFORMED ME WERE PROBLEMS which seems to be a RECURRING THEME HERE i literally fucking relapsed lmao. and again when i got sent home early bc i was stressed and snapped at the manager for aggravating me and i swear to god if i get fire i WILL kill myself. like. holy shit. i cant fucking deal.

people here are always late tho. like 10-15 minutes late p regularly so we’re not that bad but thats bullshit dude im sorry

[theworldsoul]

Okay so basically... lets talk.

I should've seen this coming. I should've known that after such a long period of happiness, something would give.

I went to pick up my glasses from the dinner table today, because that's where I left them. When I put them on... they wouldnt stay on. I checked and they were missing the two plastic parts that hold the glasses up and still on my nose.

I check the table for them, and I dont find them. Then I ask, like hey, did any of yall touch my glasses? Both the plastic things are missing. My dad IMMEDIATELY assumes that I took them off ON PURPOSE. For some reason. And I tell him no, i didnt touch them, all I remember is picking them up from the table and seeing the plastic bits missing.

Then I spend like an hour telling them no, I didnt break my own glasses, I FOUND them that way. And my dad is like mocking me, going "u always say 'I didnt do it!!!' Like you never do anything huh? I guess you're just perfect." And I'm like... BUT I ACTUALY DIDNT DO IT!!!!???!? and hes like "you never take responsibility for anything, blah blah, you're so fucking stupid, you act like a four year old, stop fucking crying, how dare you ask us if we know what happened, why are you trying to blame us, you obviously did it on purpose and now you're acting all surprised.." and I'm just sitting there. Taking it. Thinking to myself... wow. They automatically assumed the worst in me. And THIS SORT OF THING HAPPENS OFTEN!!! I get blamed for shit I didnt do all the fuckign time.

So I'm just. Crying. Because theres a certain amount of verbal abuse i can take and it's not very much. I'm being interrogated. And its distressing, because I cant PROVE that I didnt do it on.purpose, because i GENUINELY DONT REMEBER WHAT HAPPENED!!! so they just get to assume that i broke my own glasses.

Why would my dad jump to that conclusion so quickly? Simple answer: he literally hates me. He holds back, I know, but hes done this before and he'll do it again, hes shown and said what he REALLY THINKS and he'll say it again and do it again and again and again because his mask is slipping. I dont know what I did to make him hate me but he does. That's just how it is. I can't change that. Man, my parents behave like children.

Anwyays so I'm just very upset, in distress, crying really hard, trying not to say too much so I dont make them angrier but also always telling the truth, which is that I DIDN'T DO IT AND I DONT REMEBER ANYTHING HAPPENEING TO THE GLASSES!!

He asks me, who did it then? I say I dont know but it wasnt me. He said who then, if not you. I said I dont know. He didnt believe me!!!

I hate when I tell the truth and people dont believe it. Like... this is the truth. I have nothing more to offer you. Take what little I give, cos it's my fucking blood.

Anyways in the meantime my mom is checking, looking for the plastic bits. She finds them in my coat pocket.

I am proven innocent. At what cost? Well, now I'm shaking, curled up into a ball, crying, and in actual pain. My brain cant handle so much pain so it transfers it to physical pain. So there I am. A fucking kid. Who's been punished for somehting he didn't do. And theres the proof.

My dad fixed the glasses. Left me there on the couch, still trembling. Gave them to me in a case. Said I gotta be careful. I said thank you. Because, even if I'm upset, I gotta make sure other people dont get upset. He said sorry, but he said it in this huffy way that made it sound reluctant. Then he was like, I said sorry so stop crying.

He wanted a kiss on the cheek and I was gonna give him one because I dont want to seem like a dickhead, he DID apologize... and if you dont accept my dads apologies and move on and pretend that the word "sorry" fixes everything, he gets even more angry and i REALLY dont want to deal with him guilt ripping me over it. So I lean in for a little kiss and... I cant. I cant do it. My face crinkles up all ugly and I start crying hysterically every time I get close. I try a few times but I'm overwhelmed with a feeling of like... oh god. I felt so hurt. Like a scared little rabbit. Oh shit, I was fucking scared. I couldnt do it. It made me feel disgusted.

I said, later I'll do it.

I dont know why he thinks he can hurt me so bad and make me cry, then give some shitty apology and expect me to change my mood entirely and go back to being all happy. That's not how it works. If you hurt someone, they stay hurt. Your shitty little word, "sorry", doesnt make me feel any better and doesnt fix any of the damage.... but I have to pretend like it does because if I dont you get mad, and you say I'm mean for not accepting the apology,,,

Later on, he did come for a kiss again. I was in my room, pretending to be busy so he would ignore me but he didnt. This time, I didnt kiss him but I allowed him to kiss me. I just... I couldnt kiss him. I was holding back tears, and i knew if i tried to kiss him i would start crying all over again and make him upset or angry. So I just sorta... let him kiss me on my forehead. Then I went to the bathroom fast as I could, acting like I had to brush my teeth.

I locked the door, sank to my knees, and cried. Hard.

I just wish that I had a dad who loved me, or who knew how to love me... or who I knew loved me, a dad who knew what he was doing, so I didnt have to debate if he loved me or not in my head.

God. I feel so small. Like I literally feel like a little kid right now. Fucking hell. Looks like tonight I'll be indulging in my delusions, playing pretend.

It's sad that my parents fuck me up, but its sadder that afterwards I dont have anyone to comfort me and help heal me.... only myself and whoever I bring to life in my imagination.

Sometimes when I get overly upset, when I'm pushed to the edge like this, I begin to feel... a lot younger? Like shockingly younger. I'm not even the same dude anymore, I'm a fucking five year old all of a sudden. Which makes the situation even more scary and painful.

Just imagine like, a hurt scared little kid with no one to help him. He's tryna pick himself off the ground and hes telling himself "shhhhh... it'll be okay" that's me. That's literally me and it makes me feel so fucking BAD but its true.

I've been breaking down. Earlier in the day I had trouble on a quiz because I didn't know the definition of a word in a poem and I couldnt answer the question (does character A like character B?) And when I asked they said they couldnt tell me which was bullshit but whatever. Uhm so I got upset. Like, scarily upset. I gave up, wrote that i didnt want to do the question on the paper, guessed at half the answers, crumpled it up and threw it to the ground. Then I just... spaced out for the rest of class because I was STILL upset and fuck them.

At one point I left to go cry in the bathroom, but when i went in there, all the stalls were taken and there was a huge group of guys in there, like maybe ten people in there total, so I ran back out and was like fuck now what. Now I wait. I waited and nobody came out. I double checked and they were sitll there and I ran out again. I dashed to another bathroom down the hall hoping it was empty. I was blasting metal in my ears to try and drown out the FEELINGS, I hate feeling things. Got into a stall, slammed the door, started CRYING, sobbing, talking to myself, all of this with metal music blaring out of my headphones. I composed myself. When I went out of the stall I checked my eyeliner and it was... well, you could TELL I cried. I didnt bother with it tho, i just ran out of there.

Ugh and when I got back I kept doing the stim that usually evolves into literally hitting myself, so that was. Bad. At least this time I refrained from beating the shit outta my own left arm.

God.. I hope everyone who hurts me, everyone who ever fucking hurt me, feels GUILTY as all hell. I hope whatever being made me FEEL all these emotions so hard so strong so fast, ROTS. because nobody deserves to feel so intensely upset that they resort to the worst ways of coping. No one.

I'm just glad I didnt relapse. That's a positive.