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faesjy · 10 months

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part 1 of the brooklyn99 x marauders crossover

PILOT

[We start off with James Potter walking out of a car. We hear his voice-over while he ducks over some tape, heading inside a store.]

JAMES: [Dramatically] This job is eating me alive. I can't breathe anymore. I spent all these years trying to be the good guy, the man in the white hat. I'm not becoming like them. I am them.

REGULUS: Hey! What are you doing, idiot?

[The camera pans onto a frustrated Regulus Black. We then see James projecting his face onto multiple TV screens inside the store, using what seems to be a video camera that's attached to the ten monitors.]

JAMES: I'm doing the best speech from Donnie Brasco. Or actually, ten of me are doing the best speech from Donnie Brasco. [He stares at the screens of himself.] 'Sup?

REG: Get it together, man. Okay?

[Regulus is now talking with the store owner. He has a notebook open, and a pen in hand.]

REG: So the store was hit about two hours ago. They took mostly tablets, laptops, and cameras.

[We hear a keyboard playing an 80s hip-hop beat. James is seen fiddling with it.]

JAMES: Sorry.

[He stops the music. Regulus returns back to the store owner.]

REG: I'd like a list of all your employees, whoever had access to the store. I'd also like to apologize for my partner. His parents gave him too much attention and now he believes he is the centre of the world.

JAMES: Uh, Detective... [regulus looks to james slowly.] I already solved the case. We're looking for three white males, one of whom has sleeve tats on both arms.

REG: [Walking over to James.] And how do you know that?

JAKE: I had an informant on the inside. He's been here for years. Watching, learning. Waiting. His code name? [He holds up a stuffed bear.] Fuzzy Cuddle bear. He's a nanny cam. [He flips the bear over to show the electronic device inside, which appears to be the end of a camera.]

REG: [Scoffs] You got lucky.

JAMES: No, I got here five minutes before you and figured that in this gigantic electronics store, there had to be at least one working camera. [He plugs the camera into the TV screens, broadcasting the recorded video of two guys stealing. We see their face clearly.] Oh! Hi, bad guys! [He looks to the bear] You did it, fuzzy. You busted 'em. It's time to come home.

JAMES: [Imitating the Fuzzy while holding him up.] I'm not sure if I can. I've been undercover so long, I've forgotten who I am. I have seen terrible things. I haven't known the touch of a woman in many moons.

REGULIS: [Turning away.] All right.

JAMES: [Still imitating Fuzzy, however there is desperation in his voice.] Detective Black! Don't walk away from me!

[At the precinct.]

[James is bringing in the thieves from the store, heading over to the hold-up cells. While putting them in, he ends up bumping into Regulus while trying to get out. Regulus holds his hands up in defense, James pretends as if nothing happens, grinning stupidly.]

[We are then guided into the briefing room. It is 8:31 AM.]

[James is sitting down, in a room full of detectives when he looks to everyone.]

JAMES: Yes, I did crack the case. So, Black, would you do the honors?

[Regulus, frustrated, sighs and gets up from heisspot, heading over to a board. There is a small table in the corner of the board, which has a row called 'Potter', and another called 'Black'. Under Potter, it has 23, and under Black, it has 22.]

[Regulus sighs]

JAMES: Ah, yeah. And you're just gonna add one.

[Regulus changes the 23 to a 24. However, he wrote it really small.]

JAMES: I'm winning.

[The whole room applauds, cheering the situation on.]

[Regulus sighs, again.]

JAMES: It's a good feeling. It's a good feeling. Yeah.

REGULUS: [Returning to his seat.] Enjoy it while it lasts.

JAMES: I will!

[Remus Lupin is now standing up front. He is going to start up the briefing. There is a TV behind him.]

REMUS: Potter, update on the Morgenthau murder?

[James standing up from his spot, heading to the front of the room. There is now a slideshow on the TV which James is controlling.] Yeah! Good news for all you murder fans. Earlier this morning someone decided to shoot and kill luxury food importer Henry Morgenthau. [He flipped through the slides of the murder scene from the TV.] Body was found by the cleaning lady, during her interview, I deduced, using expert Detective work, that she had something super gross on her chin. [He changed the slide to the woman, and zoomed in on the white blemish on her chin. We see Peter Pettigrew perk up on his seat.]

PETER: I think it was flan.

JAMES: Peter thinks it was flan. I think it was butterscotch pudding.

[We now see Dorcas Meadowes with her legs on the table and crossed arms.]

DORCAS:Maybe it was just old person gunk. You know how old people always have that gunk on them.

JAMES: Oldie gunk. Could be, yeah. Anyone else?

REMUS: How about we focus on the murder and not the old person gunk?

REG: Crime techs are at the scene now. We're heading back when they're done.

REMUS: Okay, I want you on this. It's gonna be priority one for the new C.O.

DORCAS: Wait, tell us about the new Captain.

REMUS: Captain McGonnagal will be here soon. She'll wanna introduce herself. Dismissed.

[Everyone gets up from their seats and heads out the room.]

[We see Sirius Black at his desk. There is a template that says 'Sirius Black Civilian Administrator'. He is filing his nails, leaned back on his chair, unbothered. Peter comes up to him, smiling wide and sitting in the seat in front of his desk.]

PETER: Hey, Sirius. You know any scalpers? I wanna ask Dorcas to go to the Rihanna concert with me, but it's sold out. [The camera zones on Dorcas at the end of the room, getting a paper out of the file box.]

SIRIUS: Okay, two points to make here. First, Rihanna... You... [he looks disappointing.] And then Rihanna. [he flares his hands in the air to emphasize on the point.]

PETER: Yeah. What's your second point?

SIRIUS: She's got a type. Which is really anyone but you.

PETER: Yeah, that was my ex-wife's type too.

SIRIUS: Look, a Rihanna concert's a pretty big swing, man. I don't know. She's into watching old movies.

PETER: Cool. Where would I find a place that shows old movies?

SIRIUS: Oh, yeah, just go on the Internet and search for the phrase "I want to buy two movie tickets for a girl who doesn't like me."

PETER: Great. [Genuinely thinking he has given him good advice. He stands up to leave.] Thank you.

SIRIUS: [as he is leaving] Good...

[Reg is leaning against James' desk.]

REG: Hey, you heard anything about the new Captain?

JAMES: Uh, no, and I don't care. I just wish Captain McGintley never left, he was the best.

REG: He was terrible. You just liked him 'cause he let you do anything you wanted.

[We see a flashback of James and Dorcas on their chairs in an open space inside the precinct. They have fire extinguishers in hand and it's pretty clear on what they want to accomplish. Everyone is around them, anticipated for the outcomes while clapping and cheering along.]

JAMES: On your marks, get set...

[The Captain's officer doors open and in comes who we presume is Captain McGintley. Everyone stops.]

MCGINTLEY: What the hell's going on around here?

JAMES: Fire extinguisher roller chair derby?

MCGINTLEY: Okay.

[He goes back into his office, closing the door behind him.]

JAMES: And go!

[They shoot the extinguishers which projects them through the precinct, however it isn't as fast and powerful as a rocket launcher, however they do get pretty far.]

JAMES: Yeah!!

[We now get back from the flashback, where Regulus is looking at James with disappointment.]

JAMES: What's your point?

[he sighs.]

REGULUS: If I'm ever gonna make Captain, I need a good mentor. I need my rabbi.

JAMES: Sorry, dude. But this new guy's gonna be another washed-up pencil pusher who's only concerned with [He imitates a robot.] Following every rule in the patrol guide. Meep morp zeep. Robot Captain Engage.

WOMAN: Is that what you think?

[We now see a woman behind James, who is staring him down. She has the new Captain uniform on, and seems to be the new Captain, Minerva McGonnagal.]

JAMES: He-hey! New Captain alert. [He stands up.] You must be the new C.O. I'm Detective James Potter. Great to meet you.

MCGONNAGAL: Now don't let me interrupt. You were describing what kind of person I'm gonna be. I'd like you to finish.

JAMES: That's not necessary. [McGonnagal stares at him, and James is sort of intimidated.] Or I could recap very quickly, sure. Um, let's see. I think I said some joke about being a washed-up pencil pusher.

MCGONNAGAL: Now do the robot voice.

JAMES: Which-

MCGONAGALL : The robot voice you were doing when you implied I'm a rule-following robot. I wanna hear it again.

[James looks around the room where everyone is watching the scene happen. Regulus seems rather proud in the moment, clearly enjoying the scene.]

JAMES: [Softy, slowly and without any enthusiasm.] Meep morp zarp. Robot.

MCGONAGALL: That's a terrible robot voice.

JAMES: Yep.

MCGONAGALL: The next time I see you, I'd like you to be wearing a necktie.

[McGonagall starts to leave.]

JAMES: Oh, actually, the last Captain didn't care if we wore ties.

MCGONAGALL: [Stopping just before he enters his new office.] Well, your new Captain does. And more importantly, she cares that you follow her direct orders. [She then turns to the rest of the detectives and officers in the precinct.] Everyone, I'm your new commanding officer, Captain Minnie McGonagall.

REG: Speech!

MCGONAGALL : That was my speech.

REG: Short and sweet.

[in minnie's office]

MCGONAGALL : [Standing up and heading to her office window, looking over the precinct.] Tell me about your Detective squad.

REMUS: Um... Well, Barty and Evan [we see two men talking by the vending machines, giggling among themselves, most likely plotting something] They're pretty much worthless, but they make good coffee.

MCGONAGALL : Copy that.

REMUS: Now the good ones. Dorcas Meadowes.

[We see a woman at her desk, browsing online. The internet seems to be slow since she tapped the TV with her hand once. Then again. Then multiple times in a row.] Tough, smart, hard to read, and really scary.

[Flashback time. It is Christmas, and we see Evan at the printer when Dorcas comes in.]

DORCAS: Tell me who has me for Secret Santa.

EVAN: No! That takes all the fun out of it.

[EVAN is smiling, but Dorcas is far from happy. She glares at him while Barty pales slightly.]

EVAN: It's Barty. He got you a scarf. I'll make him return it.

DORCAS: Yes, you will.

[Back to the present.]

REMUS: Peter Pettigrew

REMUS: He's a grinder. Not the most brilliant Detective, but he works harder than anyone else, he really does.

[Flashback to Peter in the staff kitchen, ready to eat a muffin only to drop it on the floor.

PETER: Oh, man! My muffin. [He goes to pick it up, but his head hits the counter instead.] Ahh! Oh, my head! [He looks to the muffin which he accidentally stepped on.] My muffin, my head! And I stepped on the- On my muffin! And my head and my muffin.

[Back to the present.]

REMUS: Regulus Black.

[We cut to Regulus at his desk. A ball of elastics in hand, and his face scrunched up, concentrated.]

REMUS: He’s got mommy issues and a weird love-hate relationship with his brother Sirius, so he’s always trying to prove he's tough.

[Flashback to Reg pouring hot sauce over his hotdog in the staff room.]

BARTY: Careful. That stuff's pretty hot.

[he puts down his sandwich, staring at Barty.]

REG: Oh, is it? Hmm? [he puts more sauce on his sandwich, until the top is filled with sauce. He goes to eat it, some sauce dripping onto his hand. His face starts to scrunch up, and he's gagging, spitting the food right out. Barty doesn't even bat an eye.]

[Back to the present. We see the camera zoom in on James at his desk. He and Regulus have close desks, and we can see that in the frame.]

REMUS: He and Potter have some big bet over who gets more arrests this year. Ever since the bet, their numbers have gone way up.

MCGONAGALL : Tell me about Potter.

[James now has an action figure in hand of a police man, and is examining it. In the light, out of the light, everywhere.]

REMUS: James Potter is my best Detective. He likes putting away bad guys and he loves solving puzzles. The only puzzle he hasn't solved is how to grow up.

MCGONAGALL : That was very well put.

REMUS: I've talked a lot about James in my departmentally mandated therapy sessions.

MCGONAGALL : Look, you know my history. You know how important this is to me. This precinct is doing fine, but I wanna make it the best one in Brooklyn. And I need your help.

[later]

[McGonagall is in her office with Sirius sitting in front of her desk, seeming that McGonagall has asked him to chat.]

MCGONAGALL: So, Sirius. Civilian administrators like yourself often have their ear to the ground. What do Black and Potter have riding on this bet of theirs?

SIRIUS: I will tell you under six conditions. Number one, you let me use your office to practice electric guitar. Second-

MCGONAGALL : How about this? If you tell me-

SIRIUS: Mm-hmm.

MCGONAGALL : I won't have you suspended without pay.

SIRIUS: Oh, that sounds great. [McGonagall sits down.] Okay, the deal is if Regulus gets more arrests, James has to give him his car. It's an old Mustang, and it's pretty sweet. If he gets more arrests, he has to go on a date with him. He guarantees it will end in sex, -which makes me uncomfortable because Reg is my brother but oh well-, I bet on at least some over-the-clothes action. At the very least, some touching-

MCGONAGALL : No, that's enough, Sirius.

SIRIUS: Caresses. I could see James showing up in a silk robe.

MCGONAGALL : That's enough, Sirius.

SIRIUS: All right.

MCGONAGALL : Thank you.

—————

that was the first part, any feedback is appreciated :)

- jules

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