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dirtytransmasc · 1 year

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Mama and papa Neytrir jake au:

Do they bury Spiders old human body? Man how would they all feel about that, especially Neytrir and Spider, dear Eywa…

this prompt actually made me think of jake more then neytiri, so it is gonna lean more toward him, but both are gonna have their moment don't worry. hope you don't mind. this turned out to be so insanely long oml. jake was angsty. also, bending the few burial customs (being completely nude and without any items) we know of just a little for more angst, cause I can. also, I'm letting this whole family finally process the pain they let fester for 5+ years (cause they were hurting long before spider was put into a coma) by having a proper funeral for spider. cause I can.

jake insisted on moving spider's funeral to a few days after his transfer, no matter how many times Ronal and Tonowari assured they and their people could handle both ceremonies in one night, no matter how many times neytiri said they must get it over with so they could move on as a family, no matter how many times spider said he was ready to let go.

cause the thing was, jake couldn't; he couldn't bond his sons soul to a new body and say goodbye all in the same night, he couldn't move on just yet, he couldn't let go. the village wasn't losing part of their child, neytiri got the chance to say goodbye, she allowed herself that when he couldn't, spider had been waiting for this day for years, had plenty of time stuck in his own head to find solace in letting go. jake didn't have the mercy of any of those things, he was losing his baby boy's body that night, a body he never let himself say goodbye to, never let himself once believe he would lose.

he had carried him back from the cove that night, his broken, lifeless, little body tucked close to his chest. spider had always been so tiny, but being in coma didn't help, he lost all his muscle, had withered down to sickly skin and twig-like bones. he kissed the top of his head, held his hands, brushing fingers over his cheeks. he knew he could look over his shoulder and find spider riding with his mom on her own tsurak, but the body in his arms was his baby, the baby he raised. he kissed this forehead each night, he ran his fingers through this hair, rocked this boy to sleep. he would love his son no matter what body he was in or why he was in it, that didn't mean it wasn't tearing a piece out of him to lose this, his boy with golden hair and chocolate brown eyes.

he took him home and laid him in the infirmary, they would wash him tomorrow, prepare him to be returned to eywa. jake planned to go back to their marui, but couldn't bring himself to leave spider's body, couldn't stop fixing his hair, kissing cold hands, brushing fingers over soft cheeks.

spider eventually comes looking for him, having barely shaken his mother off to do so alone. he wanted his dad, just his dad.

he finds him holding his old bodies hand, trying to muffle his own tears, his whole body looked exhausted, like all of the strength spider remembered him having had finally been drained of him.

"hey dad." he spoke gently, not wanting to startle him.

jake turned to look at him, his face plastered with pain, his cheeks wet with tears and his eyes dark. "hey baby boy... c'mere," he held an open arm out to him.

spider immediately snuggled up to his dad, resting his head in the crook of his neck, longing to be held after such a long day. what he wanted more though, was to ease his dad's pain, hated to see him like this, wanted to do something. but what does he say, what does he do.

"how you feeling bud," jake asks, kissing his forehead.

"I'm good, feels good to be um... whole again, I guess. I feel different, but not bad different. I feel right, I felt... wrong when I was locked in my head and wrong when I was locked into my avatar, but now that its my body, I feel right again." he looked up to his dad, trying to make sure he understood what he was saying, hoping that if he understood, he would find the same solace.

jake understood, but he didn't find any solace in it, not that he hadn't already found. jake was happy for spider, he really was, but it was like his brain couldn't accept that fact that there was nothing to mourn, that spider was right here, alive and well, and not cold and lifeless. that the body in front of him wasn't his son, just the shell of him.

he wasn't just grieving someone who wasn't dead, he was saying goodbye to one of the things he had loved most in his life. he didn't even know where the line was.

"dad?" spider's voice broke through his hazy thoughts, "you alright?"

"yeah... I'm um, I'm," he knew he shouldn't lie, spider was sharper than a tack, always saw right through him, "its complicated kiddo,"

"don't 'its complicated' me, talk it out, that's what you and mama have told me over and over again the last few days. spill... I wanna help,"

"spi..." jake really didn't want to explain this to the kid.

"daaaaaaddddd," he wasn't going down without a fight.

jake laughed a little, kid never lost his humor.

"you know I love you right, no matter what, human or avatar or na'vi, I love you?"

"of course I know that? why would you think I wouldn't?"

"cause I couldn't take you home, I couldn't even go back to the marui, I came here to sit with... you or him or... you know what I mean..."

spider nods, looking to the body under the sheet, his body.

"you didn't lose me, I'm still right here, I promise." spider replied.

"its not... that's sorta it but... your mama, she was hopeful when we started making your avatar, she had some worries, but she let herself say goodbye to you, to this body. I couldn't do that, I was... too scared to lose you, too scared to be hopeful, cause if something went wrong... I wouldn't survive it. I didn't let myself look at your new face until the night before," he paused, cupping spider's cheek, "not because I didn't want you, or this new body, but because I couldn't... I was scared, I don't know how to explain it. your my baby, you will always be my baby, my son, but..."

"you raised me in this body, you're gonna miss it, that's ok dad." spider could understand, it wasn't hard. he couldn't imagine if his dad or his mom or even his siblings got human bodies; sure he'd still love them, but he would miss their na'vi bodies.

"I'm mourning him though, instead of being happy that your home. I can't seem wrap my thick head around it," he joked.

"when can you ever wrap you thick head around anything," spider joked back, shoving against him, forgetting that he was much closer in size, sending jake down on his back. "shit, sorry dad..."

"it's ok, I'm fine... it's good to see you got your strength back."

"yeah, I know it had to be... hard, seeing me like that. I haven't even really, looked at myself. it feels, wrong, I guess, to see myself from another set of eyes, my eyes."

"you were always my handsome boy, still are, and always will. no matter how sick you got, you always had that pretty face of yours and that golden hair. I think your mom rebraided it every few days, couldn't keep her hands off of it."

"that's what you'll miss?"

"yeah, not only that, but yeah. I'm gonna miss what made you, you, physically. your golden hair, and that scar on your lip that made your smiles yours, and your eyes that saw the good in everything. it's just hard, saying goodbye to him when I raised him for so many years. he is all I have ever known. I remember when you fit in the palm of my hand, when you were running around in diapers, or when you were just learning to say mama and dada. that's what I'm gonna mess, the little pink face in all of my memories."

he looked at him again, his sunken face and frail body, his long hair curled around his shoulders like a golden shroud. he was so little, jake felt like he should be holding him, like he did when spider was just a baby, stuck in that cold lab day in and day out. spider was always cold, that's why he floated to the sun like a moth to a lamp, but now spider would remain cold until he felt the embrace of his Mother.

"but I have you back now, which means its all worth it, I will say goodbye to him and embrace you."

"I'll miss it too, I got big hands now, I think my braiding days are over," spider spoke with the lilt of a laugh, despite snuggling close to his dad once more, desperate for his comfort.

"nah, you'll figure it out punk. now, go back to your mother, before she has your head for overexerting yourself, I'm gonna... I'll be back home in a minute." he knew it was selfish, to turn the boy away in favour of his old shell, but he knew that spider would understand, that he needed one last moment with his baby before they prepared him for the funeral.

"be quick or she'll be skinning you and not me," he gave his dad one last squeeze before rubbing his head against his dads jaw like a cat, earning a kiss to his now dark locks, before he took off towards the family marui.

spider knew it would take a long time for jake to recover, never once a man who loved change, never one to gamble with his children, not anymore at least. this would not be something he learned to let go of over night, like spider had, in a few weeks like neytiri and his siblings would. jake wasn't like that, hadn't allowed himself a minute of peace, a moment of acceptance in the years he had been asleep. but he knew that his dad would never not love him, will never not see him as his son, it would simply take time to let go of the parts of him he lost. he may not understand what his dad feels, but he knows that he needs him to be strong, so he could heal.

jake kissed his baby's forehead once more, brushing fingers through his hair, urging his body to leave him. he wasn't successful the first, second, or third try, but the thought of going home to his son, not the shell of him, not the remains of him, but the real fucking deal, got him up on the fourth. that's how thing would be now, trying again and again until he could do what was best for his family, he wouldn't make the same mistakes ever again, that was a promise. but there was a promise much more important to put his mind to, getting home, asap, as he wanted to keep his skin.

tomorrow would probably be just as hard as today was, it would hurt all over again, but he did enough AA back on earth to know one damn thing; one day at a time. today might have ended easy, but tomorrow he might feel like he was tied down with a ton of bricks when he goes to get up. he still had his son, his family was back together, and they needed him. grief was always messy with him and this time he didn't have a poison or a new life or a vice to escape to, to forget it. so he just had to hope he had the strength to face it head on.

that decision to get up and be strong when he just wanted to give up into the weakness was all worth it when he entered a pod of glowing but sleepy smiles, his children already tucked into the family pallet, his mate holding their son, and an open space waiting for him to fill. it was all worth it when he got to hold his family, all of them, once more with no fear they could lose spider in the night. this was worth it, even if part of him still ached to be back in the infirmary, back with the boy with golden curls.

~~~

jake and neytiri rose early that morning, before the end of eclipse, just as the first shreds of light began to creep out from behind the planet. they let their children sleep in, watching as they curled around each other; spider at the core.

they would say goodbye today, something that weighed on jake in a way he can't even explain to neytiri, to himself, barely managed to get the basic idea into his son's head the night before. it filled neytiri with a sense of eery peace, one she too felt conflicted by.

both went to the infirmary before any of the healers, even before ronal started her rounds, to see their sons body. jake was hesitant, telling her to go first that he needed to go see norm for something.

she thought he was scared because this was the next step in moving on, but jake was more worried about giving into his cravings; like he was an addict and his son's body was a drug. the only person he could even attempt to vent to was norm, that or he could go to the spirit tree and get yelled at by grace or tsu'tey or trudy. he'd prefer to get yelled at someone from his plane and not someone who's been cold in the ground for years or lost amongst the rubble.

neytiri sat with her son's body, trying to decide how she would present him to eywa. she had the time to braid his hair, but part of her wanted to leave it as it was, long and golden and curly, like rays of sunlight.

she brushed it out, again and again, holding his head in her lap as she did so. she sang her last songs to this body, burned the last of her sons features to her mind. she could understand jakes fear, he was not as much a man of faith as she was, he saw returning their boys former body as a final goodbye, unlike her, who saw this as the next stage in her sons life. returning his body was to give his pain and suffering to eywa, to relieve him of it, and to allow that part of him to rest, no longer weighing what remained of him down. she could still visit him and their memories, together now. while she would miss actually get to hold him, she knew this wasn't the end; she just hoped jake could see that.

~~~

jake was fuming, pacing around the lab, tail lashing. he was already having a fucking conniption before he got there, but to be greeted by norm and his science puke happy-go-lucky kumbaya bullshit really just got him going. he needed someone to see this from the fucked up perspective that was his brain, but no, norm had to a smart ass and go all therapist on him.

"you don't understand norm, it's not that I haven't accepted him, don't pull your psychology bullshit on me, and just fucking listen; I love my son, I love him no matter what he looks like or who he is. I just... I want to see his smiles again, feel his breath against my neck when he sleeps curled to my chest, I want to see the life flash in his eyes just one more time." jake is pissed, anger rumbling in his stomach. he didn't come to norm to be psychoanalyzed and told he needs to move on, smell the flowers, accept that he has his son back and everything is fine, when nothing is fine, not yet, and he doesn't know how to make it fine.

"jake you still have him, count yourself luck-" norm started to interject.

jake almost fucking bit him.

"no, no, don't pull that shit on me. I watched him fade away for years, I held his body in my arms, and I feel like I lost him even when he's standing right next to me. I need someone who will listen to me when I feel like losing my mind, when I'm too stuck in my own grief to protect my family. I came to you for help not for you to fuck with my head and tell me I'm lucky after I watched my son die slowly for 5 and a half years, took my children back into battle of all things, just so I could say goodbye to the body I raised from he was the size of my palm and until he was taken from me by those fucking demons. I love my son I'm just having a little bit of trouble letting go, fuck you for trying to put me down when I came to you for help."

"I'm sorry jake, I just... I don't understand, yelling at me isn't helping," norm was trying to stay cool and collected, not giving into jakes anger, not feeding the inferno blazing through his chest. "talk to me, I'll listen, just explain it to me. calmly."

norm was so lucky he didn't end up with a few broken teeth, cause that's what jake had come in doing, explaining, and now he had to do it all over again, for like, the 10th time in the last 2 days.

he took a long, deep breath, willing himself to stay calm.

"spider has only ever been human to me, and while I am so fucking happy to have him back, blue and all, I raised him in that body. that's the body I fed and held and sang to and took care of. I kissed each and every one of those scars as they healed to make them better. I sat in that cold ass lab and taught him to read and write with those grubby little hands. that was my baby, and sorry I'm having a hard time letting go. spider is still my son, I love him just the same if not more than I did in his human body, I just- I just wish I didn't have to lose him like this, without getting to say goodbye, to have all my 'last times' with that body. I don't get that anymore and it's driving me fuckign crazy... do you get it now?" he left out the 'If you say something stupid I will pound your face in' cause his heart rate was just starting to come down again.

norm nodded, "you feel robbed, you're mourning a loss of opportunity, not him, in a way, I guess."

"its more then that, so much fucking more... but yeah, sure." he wanted to spit the words at him like acid, but didn't. he was exhausted, today would only get fucking harder, so he opted to just leave. "we'll talk when I'm done visiting my boys body... it's like staying sober y'know, to not sit with him all-day, it's like a fucking drug and I came to you because I trusted you to help."

norm looked hurt, genuinely. jake knew he was being cruel, but he couldn't fucking help it, he was angry, so fucking angry. the world was cruel, god was cruel, eywa was cruel. his heart was tearing itself apart, he felt guilty for his own pain and now he was taking it out on norm who had only been trying to help.

"sorry, I'm so sorry... I need to go before I open my stupid trap again, I'm just fucking... I'll see you later." jake started to leave, but norm stopped him at the airlock.

"you're hurting jake, years of sitting and waiting for it all to go wrong, of ptsd from battle, the avatar, it's all crashing in on you and the one bit of normalcy you have that ties you back to spider is his body. I understand now, I understand," norm spoke softly, awkwardly patting his arm as he was still in his human form, "go be with your kid, neytiri. we need to figure something out for when you let go, you hear me? can't have you spiraling like that on just anyone." though the knew norm was serious, there was still a laugh in his tone and a smile on his face.

"shut up asshole... I'll see you at the funeral." he nodded goodbye and ducked out the airlock before norm could stop him. loved the guy, but, he couldn't deal with any more analyzing looks or verbal break downs of his psyche. most of all, he wanted to leave that conversation on good terms, so he could go back to his mate and help her prepare for the day ahead.

~~~

when he returned to neytiri he found spider's hair had been brushed and bound into four small braids, the rest of his hair down. they were fastened in place with dyed seagrass, threaded with pearls and small shells. she had secured pearls, flowers, iridescent beads. she made him beautiful for The Great Mother.

"we must wash him ma'jake, it is time. the children will be awake soon, they will want to make their last visit with him, it's best that he is prepared before they come, so they can leave when they wish with him." she spoke lightly, as if their child dead body was right in front of them. she almost sounded happy, it wasn't fair-

cause it isn't his body. he reasoned with himself, only a shell, nothing to mourn, he isn't gone.

"yeah... I know," he leaned into her, letting her cup his head in her arms, kissing his face half a dozen times before bring him to look in her eyes.

"It'll be ok, ma'jake... I see you, even if I don't understand what is going through your mind. show me, while we wash him." she offered up her queue, connecting it with jake.

they didn't speak, she allowed herself to feel what jake felt as he watched over their son's body. the washing was more a custom in this case, a last intimate moment between parent and child, as spider had been washed quite thoroughly the night before at the transfer.

jake washed spider's hands, painful memories flashing behind his eyes; the first time spider held onto jake's finger, barely able to fit his little hand around it. jake fixing his hold on his bow. clinging onto jakes hand as he coughed horribly from lung sickness. his little bloodied hands scrabbling to latch onto him as he slipped into unconsciousness. withered and boney hands no longer striving for touch. it was almost to much for jake, neytiri tried to lighten the burden, guiding him away from the darker memories, pulling him back towards the memories of the son they had now, the way he held onto jake when he woke up, the way he held both of their hands as they walked out into pandora for the first time, slept with his finger intertwined in their hair.

"it's ok, ma'jake its ok. stay here with me, with our son."

jake nodded, he could feel her understanding him, slowly but surely. the question left her voice. if she understood, then he wouldn't be alone, he could let go and trust he had someone to keep him from trying to follow.

it stayed the same as they continues washing, memories of his face, his smile, his eyes. washing over what had been lost, the places that should have been made of muscle, strong enough to pull back a bow the size of him with ease, to trapeze through the forest like it was nothing, it was all gone now. it almost made it easier, with neytiri's coercing, to accept that they had to say goodbye to this body, spider had no life waiting for him in it, jake should have said goodbye a long time ago, taking a risk at his own heart instead of expecting for his son to return in this form.

after they washed him they painted his body, they knew spider would want that even if he didn't ask for it, dressed him in a ceremonial loincloth, warrior's cummerbund, and placed his knife and sheath on his belt. they tied the string of his bow around his wrist, both whispering the warrior's prayer as they did so, no more arrows must be shot, nor knives be unsheathed, rest now mighty warrior, your task is now finished, The Great Mother beckons you to rest.

when they finished, neytiri praying over him for a short while longer, jake kissed his forehead, gently petting his hair before leaving what he wished with the boy. a few beads made from the trees and stone of their forest home, the leather bands he made from spider's first sturmbeest hunt, and a seagrass choker jake made from beginning to end waiting for his son to come home. 5 war feathers, one for each year spider lost for saving his family.

neytiri tied a final piece of her own around her child's neck, a simple leather band, the bead that marked spider's birth on her songchord hung on it. this was how she would move on.

"we can bring the children now, morning meal has passed, the healers will be in soon. they will come, say their goodbye's, spider will be given a moment to... find closure, we will go to afternoon meal, and then we will wrap him and prepare for the ceremony." she spoke calmly once more, pulling jake down to her level, "then we will go home to our children, our son who is still here with us, and we will finally be together. no more labs, no more masks or batteries, no more leaving him at night, no more. I see you, I see your pain, understand your pain, even if not for myself. I will be here with, he will be here with you, we will heal, but you must let go."

"pänu (promise)?" she had never heard jake sound so weak, so desperate.

"sin Eywa, pänutìng, ma'yawnetu (on eywa, my love)." she held his hands in her's, spider's still in jake's grasp.

jake nodded, gathering his strength. one day at a time.

"goodbye, my sweet boy." jake muttered, leaning to say those gentle words into his child's ear, "I will visit our memories, I will never forget you."

neytiri let it slide, for now, to jake, this body and their son were two different beings, it was how he was coping, she would not strip him of that. one must heal before a vice can be lost.

"come on, let us be with our children." she spoke as she stood, offering jake her hand, and he took it.

he took a long deep breath again. he could let go, he could, he just had to step away. one foot in front of the next, until he was out of the space they kept the bodies, until he was out of the infirmary, until he was back on their marui's side of the village, until he had his baby boy in his arms again.

"hey little man," he forced a wet laugh out of his throat, paying no mind to his teary eyes.

"no so little anymore dad," there was his son's voice, his breath on his chest, warmth in his hands as they held onto his neck. this was his son.

"yeah you are, your like, twelve, don't get ahead of yourself."

"fourteen actually, I'm not a baby." spider used his know-it-all voice, faking the face to keep up the whole act, crossing his arms and raising his eyebrows.

jake couldn't help but laugh a little, causing spider to break, falling back into jakes arms, hugging as tight as he could.

"your my baby until I say you aren't anymore, baby boy, same goes with your mother. your our baby and always will be."

"I know, I'm ok with that." spider held on tighter with one arm, reaching for his mom with the other.

the three held onto each other for a long while, long enough for neteyam to join in, dragging lo'ak with him. tuk was always in for a group hug, and kiri knew her fate was sealed when she heard spider calling her name. they ended up in a pile on the floor until ao'nung came to invite the kids to have lunch with them, as he had gotten real close with spider the couple days.

"go eat, then we'll talk." jake sent them off, talking one last long look at spider. it was starting to feel right.

~~~

the kids coped the best, they were more then familiar with change, adjusted better then their parents, quicker too. so seeing their brother's body wasn't as hard.

still, each had their moment. they may not have raised spider, but they grew up with him in this body, and while the loss wasn't tearing them apart inside, there was the sharp realization that this was the last time they would hold him like this.

they took turns, wanting privacy to mourn.

neteyam was first, he held his big brother's hand one last time, saying goodbye to the one person he could fall into when his responsibilities got too much for him to bear. he left him with an akula tooth, one he earned from the many battles he partook in, used seagrass twine to bind it to the braids where they joined together. "guess this is bye, sorta. mom told me that grief is stranger, that we're allowed to miss you even if we have him. that's what dad says he's feeling... I don't know what I feel, or if I'm gonna miss you more then I do right now. but, I love you, and I thank you for the time I had for the time we had."

he slipped a cuff made of ilu teeth, snail shells, and sea glass from ao'nung and tsireya. they weren't allowed to see his body after the cleansing, as it was a family-only time, but they wanted to leave him with something.

lo'ak was second. he was much more rocked by the sight of his brother's dead body. he found tears in his eyes and an aching throat . "didn't think I'd start to miss your ugly mug... was getting sorta used to it not being around- that's not true, I should just shut up and say my sappy goodbyes... I'm gonna miss you bro, your gonna be bigger then me in a few years in that new body, it's gonna totally suck, screw you for that."

he tied his own anklet around his brother's leg, wanting a piece of him to go with his brother. his brother would also take lo'ak's tears with him, as he cried everything, every ounce of pain he had felt in the last 6 years out. he trusted spider to take that pain to the great mother, so they could both be relieved of it.

kiri and tuk went together, both had clung close; kiri was losing the body of her person, tuk was losing her big brother again, neither were taking it well.

kiri was grieving in an odd way; she accepted it, knew she still had her brother, felt no personal attachment to spider physical form outside of the memories she already had. it was more the fear that this was all a bad dream. she dreamed after her seizure, that everything was perfect, that nothing bad had happened. part of that fear linger deep within her, deeper than logic could ever hope to touch. then their the fact she can never visit her memories with him, not without risking killing herself or sending the entire village into a frizzy.

tuk just wanted this to be over. war was over, loss was over, all she need was for spider to be ok. he had his avatar, but now his body was leaving. his pretty hair, the way she was almost bigger than him so he couldn't baby her. she was tired, she had grown up confused and scared, plagued by war and death; spider had only brought that on ten-fold, no fault of his own. she just wanted him back and for him to be happy, that's all that she wanted now, peace.

they planned to be the one's preparing his float, gathering the flowers they would send him away with. but tuk braided him some rings out of flowers and kiri wrapped him in the shall she came to her new home in, though it was know decorated with flowers and shell chips. both of his sisters took their time making sure everything was perfect, they needed it to, because for kiri this was the last time she would see this body, for tuk this was the marked the end of her suffering, of her family's suffering, of her brother's suffering.

"miss you monkey boy," kiri whispered at the end of her prayers, kissing his temple, hand over his now still heart, "take our pain to the great mother, our gifts, let this part of spider's soul rest so he may grow to be a great warrior, guide, healer, whatever she needs of him. rest now brother, so he may move into this new phase of life."

she rose, pushing tuk torwards him, "its your turn now, you need to say goodbye now, I will be outside, be strong, little sister." and with that she was gone. she knew tuk would not speak her full true mind in the company of the living, and that's what tuk needed to do, so kiri left her.

tuk twiddled with spider's too-cold fingers, finding her anger, the fire that burned low in her gut. lo'ak sad he gave spider his pain so he could take her's too.

"it's no fair... you're my brother, he's my brother, why do I have to say goodbye to anything. all I know is war, I'm not even close to finishing my Iknimaya yet, and I have seen war, and death, and fear, and... a-and. I don't want to say goodbye to you because you were my rock; when they all got too old for me, you were there, when the war came, you were there to keep me company when neteyam and lo'ak went out there. then you were gone, and we got you back only for you to stay asleep for years. now your leaving again."

she wanted to scream, and it wasn't fair to spider. he did nothing, he was the only one who never hurt her, not once, not even on accident. but what happened to him hurt her more than she knew how to put into words, even in her own mind.

"ask The Great Mother, will it ever stop? the pain. answer me when I come to see you. I love you, skxawng koak tsmukan (idiot big brother)" she hugged him, one last time, and went to follow her sister.

~~~

spider went to see himself right before his parents, the chief, and the tsahik come to prepare it. to be completely honest he doesn't want to see it. that was the old him and he's not so sure why everyone is so fucking attached to it.

ok, ok... he gets it, but he doesn't get why they need him to be attached. its just a body he lived in for 16 years, and fuck that logic makes it make sense too.

he looks down at himself, what he was withered down to, it looked like this shell fo him could be crushed in the palm of his hand with how small and sickly he looked. didn't help that his body had been dead for almost a day at this point. not only that, but he see's what his family has done for him, adorned him in; the clothes, the jewelry, the shawl, the effort put into his hair, the perfection in the paint.

"this is the one thing I get to be glad about, saying goodbye to you old friend. thank you, Great Mother, for blessing me with this body, both of them, for allowing me to live this long, for allowing my family to be whole once more. but I will mourn this loss, I am ready to rid myself of this body." he spoke surely about himself and his thoughts, he had already found his closure when he thought he would die in that coma, locked away from his family, locked away from it all. he would be ok now.

~~~

jake held his sons body as neytiri and ronal wrapped him in the kelp fibre, both singing songs of remembrance. the infirmary was thick with fragrant smoke, tonowari's hand keeping jake there as the final preparations came together.

there were songs and prayers, final additions, final touches to assure this part of spider passed on like anyone one of The People.

the kids gathered flowers into the leaf basin that would carry spider's body to the cove. ao'nung, tsireya, and roxto helped, they may not have known spider in this body, but they sat by his bed, by their friends as they mourned him, as they went to battle for him. they befriended him in this new body and had learned the stories from their friends, and now were going to help give them all the peace they so desperately deserved.

and just as the sun began to hide behind the large planet, the people of the village gathered in the cove, the float was loaded with spider's body, covered in flowers, and attached to an ilu.

spider held onto tuk and kiri as they followed their parents on their own ilu, easing him baby sister's tears, holding onto kiri's hand as they had to listen to tuk's cries. he watched neteyam and lo'ak ride next to them, neteyam holding onto both of his lo'aks hands where they were wrapped around his middle, his brother laying his head on his back. their parents clearly tear-striken as they held onto one another the entire ride.

spider had known this was more than just a body the whole time, but it was only more clear when his entire family was gathered together while still focused on his body. this was so much more, and not something he alone could ease, this was years of pain bottled up and away, that they were finally getting rid of. it hurt to watch, but he couldn't be more grateful for his 'demon' body in that moment.

as he watched his siblings soak up their last moments with him, fingers grazing through his golden hair, or brushing over his cheek, grasping at his fingers. watched his dad sob over him and his mom's face be filled with this odd discomfort, tears dragging down her cheeks. jake reached for him, lo'ak and neteyam held each other at the surface, tuk clung close to her ilu while kiri held his hand. they watched as spider's hair floated peacefully in the water, golden curleds blending in with the sea grass, the shawl floating aimlessly with the current, spider's face peaceful as if he was asleep. he felt a weight be lifted off his family as they swam him down over the anemone, his body being wrapped in eywa's grasp once more. something in him shifted, a heavy block in his chest finally passed, and he felt free. free from pain and fear, like all he had gone through at the demon's hands, on that ship, in the coma, was no more, just as his body was. no more.

when they wen't home that night, spider held his songchrod close, he had yet to decided how he would continue it, had yet to find a placeholder for this, but he does know, he sleeps peacefully in his family's arms as his mother sings it to them.

today, they moved on, some more then others, and they felt like they could finally breathe.

jake kept spider close all night, close enough to hear his breathing, to feel the air on his chest. he rested his head on top of his kids and assured himself that this was real, that spider was still with him, and everything was ok. neytiri held her child and her mate, feeling as though everything had been set right, the body she loved but let go of was with Eywa, the boy she loved with all her heart in her arms, and for the first time in years, her mate's heart was calm. the children latched to them as well, all desperate for touch and attention after the last few days, tuk between her mother and spider, neteyam and lo'ak stuck to each other once more as they squeezed between their dad and their brother, kiri sprawled out on top of all three of the boys. they slept peacefully that nigth and slept in the next day.

many tears had been shed, more would be as they made their first communions with eywa, seeing their blonde-haired boy once more. their eyes were puffy and red, their cheeks stung, and their hearts ached, but they were ok, and that's all that mattered now.

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be-the-glenn-to-my-maggie · 10 months

Text

Longass Crop Circles Notes (I Don't Think I've Changed Chapter Two):

I don't want to talk about how many weeks these notes have been sitting in my notes app because I couldn't bring myself to go through them yet. My sincere apologies @spicymiilk

-Ah that incredibly relatable feeling when you want to get to one part of your story and you have to force yourself to slog through to get to it. It happens to us all.

-KIRI AND LO’AK GOING TO SPECIAL SCHOOL WHILE NETEYAM IS REGULAR IS SO FUNNY TO ME. Poor Lo’ak I’m being so mean to him. But you really want their asses GONE gone.

-Calling Jake a white man and saying he can’t understand their hair is so funny. Dude NEVER helped with ANY of his kids hair ever??? He’s never done Neytiri’s for her because he’s her bitch? Come on Jake, I expected more. Even I’ve done my cousins hair a few times. Maybe Spider will fare better?

-Obsessed with the way Neteyam is about his morning routine and solitude, it jives so well with my opinion of him. He’s got to have things his way, and under his control. Taken care of well. He’s going to have a field day with Spider. I see we are already leaning heavily into Neteyam’s "I can fix him" complex. Even when he wants to help Jake, which I know is something wheelchair users don’t often want if it’s something they do all the time themselves. It’s the innate feeling of standing by and doing nothing while watching someone struggle, when it’s their day to day life. And if that isn’t Neteyam’s whole thing? I’m obsessed with how he just cannot handle anyone else’s bad vibes without trying to fix it right away. Speaking of;

-If there is not a moment where Jake allows Neteyam to help him when he needs it, I will throw myself off a bridge, Andrei. ~growth~ the opportunity is there and it’s ripe.

-JAKE AND NETEYAM BANTER, I did not realize I was in a drought until I got a little bit of rain and I realized I was DYING OF THIRST. PARCHED FOR THEM.

-Jake “Detective” Sully: You are gay, son, try not to be too gay to the new foster kid you stalk at the local Micky Ds.

-I am literally obsessed with My Father Jake Sully who was neglected and hurt as a child being the most desperate man alive to connect with and heal kids in the same situation he was in. It fits so so well in his character for me. I feel like he spends most of his life trying to heal old wounds and make up for the past, in a way.

-Neteyam “I thought this kid was named Miles for years but I guess legally on his birth certificate it def must say Spider because it couldn’t be a nickname, that’s for sure” Sully

-I am CACKLING at them both lying to each other about McDonalds as though they both don’t know exactly how often the other one is there because they both find the other hot I’m dead.

-Spider mad at Norm for enforcing child labour laws has me wanting to make memes about it. The children truly do yearn for the mines.

-All the tiny little details of how Spider focuses on the people around him, on their moods and their movements and the way his brain works is so well done. That survival mindset takes years and years to unlearn, if you ever can fully. It’s well done as always.

-OH MY GOD EVEN NEYTIRI ALSO THINKS NETEYAM IS BEING TOO GAY THIS IS AMAZING.

-Justice for Jake, I will get him one of the cars paralyzed people can drive. Also his joke about driving Neytiri up the wall? HE’S A COMEDIAN. GET HIM A NETFLIX SPECIAL.

-Spider can’t look at Tuk because he was close with a little abused foster girl, where is the nearest bridge. NO REST FOR US, ANDREI?? ALL THE PAIN AND TRAUMA POSSIBLE CRAMMED INTO ONE EPIC.

-God the line about Spider’s therapist saying that his habit will lead him down a dangerous path, but he doesn’t understand why because he only ever hurts himself because he doesn’t see damage to himself as damage because he doesn’t see himself as worthy? Not worthy of the phone, of food, of attention or love? Truly my fav paragraph of the chapter. You are a master at establishing a character in a few subtle lines. It's a tactic that I only get after a few rewrites; instead of saying "Neteyam wants to fix everyone" you show us him in a situations where he wants to and can't help. Instead of telling me Spider doesn't care for his own safety, you tell me he's confused by his therapist saying his coping is dangerous. Instead of saying emotion, tell me something that would make me feel that emotion. Writing 101, and yet so hard to pull off properly.

-I laughed out loud at Neteyam trying not to look at Spider’s muscles I am dying. Neteyam should ask him out loud.

-EVEN TUK HAS IT ON LOCK, SHE SAYS NETEYAM HAS A THING FOR PEOPLE WHO SOUND A LITTLE SAD. This is so not funny but so funny because it’s all specifically for me.

-Neteyam later in life is like that dumbass gum commercial where the guy reveals he’s been keeping the gum wrappers every time the girl gives him one and drawing on them when and where she gave it to him? That’s Neteyam when the piles and piles of smiley face receipts fall out of his trench coat pockets.

-“I didn’t realize that was you” filthy liar. Spider’s smiley face drawing rizz is crazy. You bet your ass he wasn't doing that to every fuckers receipts.

-WHAT ON EARTH IS LO’AK DOING AT SMART PERSON SCHOOL, EVEN YOU DON’T KNOW ANDREI.

-THE CUTE BOY AT THE WINDOW ASKED FOR HIS NUMBER? AS IN, SPIDER, PHONELESS SPIDER, OR ANOTHER SNEAKY BASTARD BUTTING IN.

-Also these people have real memory problems, I’ve never forgotten any awkward interaction I’ve ever had in my entire life, especially not with a crush. I couldn't hear my crush at a party last year and I just laughed and said yeah and she was like "no I asked what you think" and not a single day goes by it doesn't play behind my eyelids like the DVD in The Ring. So, unless Spider has asked every single man at McDonalds out, he remembers when he asked a guy out and the guy sped off like he had a warrant out from Dominic Toretto.

-Oh my god, it was Spider. And this man sURVIVED that encounter? This man who can’t survive a strong breeze rn? What was he going to do with number, call him from phone booths? Send smoke signals to the write telephone wire? I am cackling at the idea that he had rehearsed this so many times and yet never actually thought through not having a phone.

-The smiley face on the paper. That revived Spider from his death post awkward encounter. There will be smiley faces on the invitations to their wedding and only Tuk will understand.

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