The Disability Library
I love books, I love literature, and I love this blog, but it's only been recently that I've really been given the option to explore disabled literature, and I hate that. When I was a kid, all I wanted was to be able to read about characters like me, and now as an adult, all I want is to be able to read a book that takes us seriously.
And so, friends, Romans, countrymen, I present, a special disability and chronic illness booklist, compiled by myself and through the contributions of wonderful members from this site!
As always, if there are any at all that you want me to add, please just say. I'm always looking for more!
Edit 20/10/2023: You can now suggest books using the google form at the bottom!
Updated: 31/08/2023
Articles and Chapters
The Drifting Language of Architectural Accessibility in Victor Hugo's Notre-Dame de Paris, Essaka Joshua, 2012
Early Modern Literature and Disability Studies, Allison P. Hobgood, David Houston Wood, 2017
How Do You Develop Whole Object Relations as an Adult?, Elinor Greenburg, 2019
Making Do with What You Don't Have: Disabled Black Motherhood in Octavia E. Butler's Parable of the Sower and Parable of the Talents, Anna Hinton, 2018
Necropolitics, Achille Mbeme, 2003 OR Necropolitics, Achille Mbeme, 2019
Wasted Lives: Modernity and Its Outcasts, Zygmunt Bauman, 2004
Witchcraft and deformity in early modern English Literature, Scott Eaton, 2020
Books
Fiction:
Misc:
10 Things I Can See From Here, Carrie Mac
A-F:
A Curse So Dark and Lonely, (Series), Brigid Kemmerer
Akata Witch, (Series), Nnedi Okorafor
A Mango-Shaped Space, Wendy Mass
Ancillary Justice, (Series), Ann Leckie
An Unkindness of Ghosts, Rivers Solomon
An Unseen Attraction, (Series), K. J. Charles
A Shot in the Dark, Victoria Lee
A Snicker of Magic, Natalie Lloyd
A Song of Ice and Fire, (series), George R. R. Martin
A Spindle Splintered, (Series), Alix E. Harrow
A Time to Dance, Padma Venkatraman
Bath Haus, P. J. Vernon
Beasts of Prey, (Series), Ayana Gray
The Bedlam Stacks, (Series), Natasha Pulley
Black Bird, Blue Road, Sofiya Pasternack
Black Sun, (Series), Rebecca Roanhorse
Blood Price, (Series), Tanya Huff
Borderline, (Series), Mishell Baker
Breath, Donna Jo Napoli
The Broken Kingdoms, (Series), N.K. Jemisin
Brute, Kim Fielding
Cafe con Lychee, Emery Lee
Carry the Ocean, (Series), Heidi Cullinan
Challenger Deep, Neal Shusterman
Cinder, (Series), Marissa Meyer
Clean, Amy Reed
Connection Error, (Series), Annabeth Albert
Cosima Unfortunate Steals A Star, Laura Noakes
Crazy, Benjamin Lebert
Crooked Kingdom, (Series), Leigh Bardugo
Daniel Cabot Puts Down Roots, (Series), Cat Sebastian
Daniel, Deconstructed, James Ramos
Dead in the Garden, (Series), Dahlia Donovan
Dear Fang, With Love, Rufi Thorpe
Deathless Divide, (Series), Justina Ireland
The Degenerates, J. Albert Mann
The Doctor's Discretion, E.E. Ottoman
Earth Girl, (Series), Janet Edwards
Everyone in This Room Will Someday Be Dead, Emily R. Austin
The Extraordinaries, (Series), T. J. Klune
The Extraordinary Education of Nicholas Benedict, (Series), Trenton Lee Stewart
Fight + Flight, Jules Machias
The Final Girl Support Group, Grady Hendrix
Finding My Voice, (Series), Aoife Dooley
The First Thing About You, Chaz Hayden
Follow My Leader, James B. Garfield
Forever Is Now, Mariama J. Lockington
Fortune Favours the Dead, (Series), Stephen Spotswood
Fresh, Margot Wood
H-0:
Harmony, London Price
Harrow the Ninth, (series), Tamsyn Muir
Hench, (Series), Natalia Zina Walschots
Highly Illogical Behaviour, John Corey Whaley
Honey Girl, Morgan Rogers
How to Become a Planet, Nicole Melleby
How to Bite Your Neighbor and Win a Wager, (Series), D. N. Bryn
How to Sell Your Blood & Fall in Love, (Series), D. N. Bryn
Hunger Pangs: True Love Bites, Joy Demorra
I Am Not Alone, Francisco X. Stork
The Immeasurable Depth of You, Maria Ingrande Mora
In the Ring, Sierra Isley
Into The Drowning Deep, (Series), Mira Grant
Iron Widow, (Series), Xiran Jay Zhao
Izzy at the End of the World, K. A. Reynolds
Jodie's Journey, Colin Thiele
Just by Looking at Him, Ryan O'Connell
Kissing Doorknobs, Terry Spencer Hesser
Lakelore, Anna-Marie McLemore
Learning Curves, (Series), Ceillie Simkiss
Let's Call It a Doomsday, Katie Henry
The Library of the Dead, (Series), TL Huchu
The Lion Hunter, (Series), Elizabeth Wein
Lirael, (Series), Garth Nix
Long Macchiatos and Monsters, Alison Evans
Love from A to Z, (Series), S.K. Ali
Lycanthropy and Other Chronic Illnesses, Kristen O'Neal
Never Let Me Go, Kazuo Ishiguro
The Never Tilting World, (Series), Rin Chupeco
The No-Girlfriend Rule, Christen Randall
Nona the Ninth, (series), Tamsyn Muir
Noor, Nnedi Okorafor
Odder Still, (Series), D. N. Bryn
Once Stolen, (Series), D. N. Bryn
One For All, Lillie Lainoff
On the Edge of Gone, Corinne Duyvis
Origami Striptease, Peggy Munson
Our Bloody Pearl, (Series), D. N. Bryn
Out of My Mind, Sharon M. Draper
P-T:
Parable of the Sower, (Series), Octavia E. Butler
Parable of the Talents, (Series), Octavia E. Butler
Percy Jackson & the Olympians, (series), Rick Riordan
Pomegranate, Helen Elaine Lee
The Prey of Gods, Nicky Drayden
The Pursuit Of..., (Series), Courtney Milan
The Queen's Thief, (Series), Megan Whalen Turner
The Quiet and the Loud, Helena Fox
The Raging Quiet, Sheryl Jordan
The Reanimator's Heart, (Series), Kara Jorgensen
The Remaking of Corbin Wale, Joan Parrish
Roll with It, (Series), Jamie Sumner
Russian Doll, (Series), Cristelle Comby
The Second Mango, (Series), Shira Glassman
Scar of the Bamboo Leaf, Sieni A.M
Shaman, (Series), Noah Gordon
Sick Kids in Love, Hannah Moskowitz
The Silent Boy, Lois Lowry
Six of Crows, (Series) Leigh Bardugo
Sizzle Reel, Carlyn Greenwald
The Spare Man, Mary Robinette Kowal
The Stagsblood Prince, (Series), Gideon E. Wood
Stake Sauce, Arc 1: The Secret Ingredient is Love. No, Really, (Series), RoAnna Sylver
Stars in Your Eyes, Kacen Callender [Expected release: Oct 2023]
The Storm Runner, (Series), J. C. Cervantes
Stronger Still, (Series), D. N. Bryn
Sweetblood, Pete Hautman
Tarnished Are the Stars, Rosiee Thor
The Theft of Sunlight, (Series), Intisar Khanani
Throwaway Girls, Andrea Contos
Top Ten, Katie Cotugno
Torch, Lyn Miller-Lachmann
Treasure, Rebekah Weatherspoon
Turtles All the Way Down, John Green
U-Z:
Unlicensed Delivery, Will Soulsby-McCreath
Expected release October 2023
Verona Comics, Jennifer Dugan
Vorkosigan Saga, (Series), Lois McMaster Bujold
We Are the Ants, (Series), Shaun David Hutchinson
The Weight of Our Sky, Hanna Alkaf
Whip, Stir and Serve, Caitlyn Frost and Henry Drake
The Whispering Dark, Kelly Andrew
Wicked Sweet, Chelsea M. Cameron
Wonder, (Series), R. J. Palacio
Wrong to Need You, (Series), Alisha Rai
Ziggy, Stardust and Me, James Brandon
Graphic Novels:
A Quick & Easy Guide to Sex & Disability, (Non-Fiction), A. Andrews
Constellations, Kate Glasheen
Dancing After TEN: a graphic memoir, (memoir) (Non-Fiction), Vivian Chong, Georgia Webber
Everything Is an Emergency: An OCD Story in Words Pictures, (memoir) (Non-Fiction), Jason Adam Katzenstein
Frankie's World: A Graphic Novel, (Series), Aoife Dooley
The Golden Hour, Niki Smith
Nimona, N. D. Stevenson
The Third Person, (memoir) (Non-Fiction), Emma Grove
Magazines and Anthologies:
Artificial Divide, (Anthology), Robert Kingett, Randy Lacey
Beneath Ceaseless Skies #175: Grandmother-nai-Leylit's Cloth of Winds, (Article), R. B. Lemburg
Defying Doomsday, (Anthology), edited by Tsana Dolichva and Holly Kench
Josee, the Tiger and the Fish, (short story) (anthology), Seiko Tanabe
Nothing Without Us, edited by Cait Gordon and Talia C. Johnson
Nothing Without Us Too, edited by Cait Gordon and Talia C. Johnson
Unbroken: 13 Stories Starring Disabled Teens, (Anthology), edited by Marieke Nijkamp
Uncanny #24: Disabled People Destroy Science Fiction, (Anthology), edited by: Elsa Sjunneson-Henry, Dominik Parisien et al.
Uncanny #30: Disabled People Destroy Fantasy, (Anthology), edited by: Nicolette Barischoff, Lisa M. Bradley, Katharine Duckett
We Shall Be Monsters, edited by Derek Newman-Stille
Manga:
Perfect World, (Series), Rie Aruga
The Sky is Blue with a Single Cloud, (Short Stories), Kuniko Tsurita
Non-Fiction:
Academic Ableism: Disability and Higher Education, Jay Timothy Dolmage
A Disability History of the United States, Kim E, Nielsen
The Architecture of Disability: Buildings, Cities, and Landscapes beyond Access, David Gissen
Being Seen: One Deafblind Woman's Fight to End Ableism, Elsa Sjunneson
Black Disability Politics, Sami Schalk
Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration, and Safety, Dr. Elinor Greenburg
Brilliant Imperfection: Grappling with Cure, Eli Clare
The Cambridge Companion to Literature and Disability, Barker, Clare and Stuart Murray, editors.
The Capacity Contract: Intellectual Disability and the Question of Citizenship, Stacy Clifford Simplican
Capitalism and Disability, Martha Russel
Care work: Dreaming Disability Justice, Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha
Catatonia, Shutdown and Breakdown in Autism: A Psycho-Ecological Approach, Dr Amitta Shah
The Collected Schizophrenias: Essays, Esme Weijun Wang
Crip Kinship, Shayda Kafai
Crip Up the Kitchen: Tools, Tips and Recipes for the Disabled Cook, Jules Sherred
Culture – Theory – Disability: Encounters between Disability Studies and Cultural Studies, Anne Waldschmidt, Hanjo Berressem, Moritz Ingwersen
Decarcerating Disability: Deinstitutionalization and Prison Abolition, Liat Ben-Moshe
Demystifying Disability: What to Know, What to Say, and How to Be an Ally, Emily Ladau
Dirty River: A Queer Femme of Color Dreaming Her Way Home, Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha
Disability Pride: Dispatches from a Post-ADA World, Ben Mattlin
Disability Visibility: First-Person Stories From the Twenty-First Century, Alice Wong
Disfigured: On Fairy Tales, Disability and Making Space, Amanda Leduc
Every Cripple a Superhero, Christoph Keller
Exile and Pride: Disability, Queerness and Liberation, Eli Clare
Feminist Queer Crip, Alison Kafer
The Future Is Disabled: Prophecies, Love Notes, and Mourning Songs, Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha
Growing Up Disabled in Australia, Carly Findlay
It's Just Nerves: Notes on a Disability, Kelly Davio
The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, Rebecca Skloot
Language Deprivation & Deaf Mental Health, Neil S. Glickman, Wyatte C. Hall
The Minority Body: A Theory of Disability, Elizabeth Barnes
My Body and Other Crumbling Empires: Lessons for Healing in a World That Is Sick, Lyndsey Medford
No Right to Be Idle: The Invention of Disability, 1840s-1930s, Sarah F. Rose
Nothing About Us Without Us: Disability Oppression and Empowerment, James I. Charlton
The Pedagogy of Pathologization Dis/abled Girls of Color in the School-prison Nexus, Subini Ancy Annamma
Physical Disability in British Romantic Literature, Essaka Joshua
QDA: A Queer Disability Anthology, Raymond Luczak, Editor.
The Right to Maim: Debility, Capacity, Disability, Jasbir K. Puar
Sitting Pretty, (memoir), Rebecca Taussig
Sounds Like Home: Growing Up Black & Deaf in the South, Mary Herring Wright
Surviving and Thriving with an Invisible Chronic Illness: How to Stay Sane and Live One Step Ahead of Your Symptoms, Ilana Jacqueline
The Things We Don't Say: An Anthology of Chronic Illness Truths, Julie Morgenlender
Uncanny Bodies: Superhero Comics and Disability, Scott T. Smith, José Alaniz
Uncomfortable Labels: My Life as a Gay Autistic Trans Woman, (memoir), Laura Kate Dale
Unmasking Autism, Devon Price
The War on Disabled People: Capitalism, Welfare and the Making of a Human Catastrophe, Ellen Clifford
We've Got This: Essays by Disabled Parents, Eliza Hull
Year of the Tiger: An Activist's Life, (memoir) (essays) Alice Wong
Picture Books:
A Day With No Words, Tiffany Hammond, Kate Cosgrove-
A Friend for Henry, Jenn Bailey, Mika Song
Ali and the Sea Stars, Ali Stroker, Gillian Reid
All Are Welcome, Alexandra Penfold, Suzanne Kaufman
All the Way to the Top, Annette Bay Pimentel, Jennifer Keelan-Chaffins, Nabi Ali
Can Bears Ski?, Raymond Antrobus, Polly Dunbar
Different -- A Great Thing to Be!, Heather Alvis, Sarah Mensinga
Everyone Belongs, Heather Alvis, Sarah Mensinga
I Talk Like a River, Jordan Scott, Sydney Smith
Jubilee: The First Therapy Horse and an Olympic Dream, K. T. Johnson, Anabella Ortiz
Just Ask!, Sonia Sotomayor, Rafael López
Kami and the Yaks, Andrea Stenn Stryer, Bert Dodson
My Three Best Friends and Me, Zulay, Cari Best, Vanessa Brantley-Newton
Rescue & Jessica: A Life-Changing Friendship, Jessica Kensky, Patrick Downes, Scott Magoon
Sam's Super Seats, Keah Brown, Sharee Miller
Small Knight and the Anxiety Monster, Manka Kasha
We Move Together, Kelly Fritsch, Anne McGuire, Eduardo Trejos
We're Different, We're the Same, and We're All Wonderful!, Bobbi Jane Kates, Joe Mathieu
What Happened to You?, James Catchpole, Karen George
The World Needs More Purple People, Kristen Bell, Benjamin Hart, Daniel Wiseman
You Are Enough: A Book About Inclusion, Margaret O'Hair, Sofia Sanchez, Sofia Cardoso
You Are Loved: A Book About Families, Margaret O'Hair, Sofia Sanchez, Sofia Cardoso
The You Kind of Kind, Nina West, Hayden Evans
Zoom!, Robert Munsch, Michael Martchenko
Plays:
Peeling, Kate O'Reilly
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With an extra special thank you to @parafoxicalk @craftybookworms @lunod @galaxyaroace @shub-s @trans-axolotl @suspicious-whumping-egg @ya-world-challenge @fictionalgirlsworld @rubyjewelqueen @some-weird-queer-writer @jacensolodjo @cherry-sys @dralthon @thebibliosphere @brynwrites @aj-grimoire @shade-and-sun @ceanothusspinosus @edhelwen1 @waltzofthewifi @spiderleggedhorse @sleepneverheardofher @highladyluck @oftheides @thecouragetobekind @nopoodles @lupadracolis @elusivemellifluence @creativiteaa @moonflowero1 @the-bi-library @chronically-chaotic-cryptid for your absolutely fantastic contributions!
---
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[midnight thoughts: jungwon + the sublime]
synopsis: after an arduous battle, jungwon isn't sure if he's going to make it, but he has to say something before he goes.
pairing: yang jungwon x gn!reader
genre/warnings: spiderwon!au, angst with happy ending / mentions of blood, discussions of death, overall angsty themes but no one actually dies!, lots of confessions of love, and weird inclusion of "the sublime" bc we talked abt it in my eng class, also NOT proofread :,)
wc: ~2.4k (haha OOPS)
a/n: heyyyy how yall doin :))))) this has been sitting in my drafts forEVER ... and i finished it at 1am b4 my first day of school so be warned for inconsistencies / i liked the first half of this drabble but the second half is not my fave ,, so sorry that i couldn't do you justice spiderwon
yang jungwon never believed in the concept of the sublime. that uncanny mixture of overwhelming fear and unsettling fascination never managed to make an impression on him. especially in his line of work, jungwon is firm in his notion of death: when the time comes, a vast blackness will consume him; the void will leech away his life, and he will cease to exist. there will be no theatrics, no white light, no booming voice or angel song—only a comforting emptiness welcoming him into the dark.
now, however, jungwon lies alone in a familiar back alley; the tips of his fingers are numb from the amount of blood he's lost, and he can hardly lift his head up from the brick wall it's resting on. the palms of his hands are stained a deep crimson as he attempts to stop the river of red spilling from his thigh. jungwon admires the eerily beautiful way in which the body lets go; glinting in the dim street lights, his wounds glitter like rubies in a summer sunset. at this point, succumbing to his injuries seems inevitable, and jungwon thinks there may be some truth to be found in sublimity.
but, he's not ready to die. not yet—not with so many things left undone, so many things left unsaid.
with the little strength he has left, jungwon reaches for his backpack hidden in the nook behind the dumpster. he pulls out his phone and dials a number number he knows by heart; his cold fingers fumble over the screen, and he curses his current lack of dexterity. eventually, though, the machine begins to ring. the sound grates on his ears as he waits with bated breath for you to pick up.
"hello?" you croak, your question laden with sleep, "who is it?"
a breathy chuckle escapes jungwon's lips. he had forgotten how late it was, how you mentioned earlier that you had a calulus exam tomorrow, and just how gorgeous you sounded when you were tired. "sorry, [y/n] ... didn't mean to wake you," jungwon sighs, "just wanted to hear your voice."
"won, seriously?" you scoff, "this couldn't have waited 'til tomorrow? i mean, it's—it's two in the morning ... i was literally just dreaming about acing that calc test."
a dopey grin fastens itself to jungwon's lips as he wills his eyes to stay open. if he falls asleep, he knows there's a possibility that he won't get back up; so, he indulges for a bit, listening to your fatigued grumbling and smiling like an idiot. "honestly, m'not sure if tomorrow's in my cards, [y/n]," he admits, trying to hide how labored his breaths are becoming, "'nd i jus' wanted to hear you one last time."
"yang jungwon, what the hell are you—" jungwon knows exactly when you realize he's in trouble. he knows exactly when you realize he's not messing with you. the abrupt pause, the hitch in your breath, the way you inhale through your teeth—it's almost too obvious. "oh fuck," you continue, "oh shit ... won, where are you? are you hurt? what can i do to help?"
jungwon coughs out a laugh, "'m in the alley off jackson ave, 'nd i think i've bled on every piece of old furniture back here, if that says anything."
your breathing is frantic. jungwon listens to the sound of rustling clothes and the occasional thud of your foot as it hits your bed frame. you're cursing and mumbling and unravelling at the seams, searching for whatever you can that might help you help jungwon. out loud, you go through a list: gauze, neosporin, saline.
"am i missing anything?" you ask, not expecting a response.
"bandages?" jungwon replies.
"bandages!" you exclaim, "i almost forgot the fucking bandages?" there's more noise on the other side of the phone, and jungwon doesn't let himself relax until he hears your window crack open. metal clangs as you rush down the fire escape; he wills the beating of his heart to match the tempo of your feet against the steps. jungwon wills himself to stay alive. and, it's almost as though you can read his mind through the phone. "don't you dare fall asleep, yang jungwon. talk to me about something—anything—just don't fall asleep."
he racks his brain for a topic of conversation; the nerves building in his stomach as he anticipates next week's orgo exam, the cat he rescued from a tree in queensbridge park earlier today, the new thai restaurant that opened up near his apartment building. options race through his mind, but all of jungwon's thoughts lead back to you.
"i love you," jungwon says, abrupt yet resolute.
"oh god." you suck in an incredulous gasp, "you're delirious. this is—"
"i'm not delirious," he interrupts, voice hauntingly clear. "i know what i'm saying. and, i'm saying that i love you, [y/n] [l/n]."
for a moment, the line crackles with a thick, viscous silence that seeps through the grainy static; it's heavy, almost too real, and jungwon listens to the sound of your shoes slamming against the pavement until you speak again. "okay," you sigh, something unreadable swimming behind your words, "keep talking to me, jungwon."
jungwon takes in a deep breath before speaking again. his whole body is cold now, and if it weren't for the weakness spreading throughout his veins, he's positive his teeth would be chattering. inhaling the concoction of gasoline fumes, freshly dumped trash, and frigid, autumn air, jungwon feels the chill of the reaper creeping up the length of his spine. its spindly fingers beckon him into that same darkness he was once so sure of, once so okay with. but, jungwon can't let himself give in to its temptation. after all, he has someone waiting for him.
"you give me this feeling," jungwon declares in an inexplicable moment of lucidity, "'nd i dunno how to explain it. it's—it's like ... i look at you, and you pull me in. an invisible string, maybe? fate? true love? i'm—i have no idea what to call it. you always make me want to know more, even though i've known you forever. since we were kids, [y/n]—i've felt like this for years. and, i'm sorry. i'm sorry for not telling you earlier, for not telling you when i told you about the whole spiderman thing.
"i'm such an idiot for making you worry. someone who loves you shouldn't do that to you, i shouldn't do that to you. and, god [y/n]—i love you so much. you're this force of nature, you know? drawing me in, even though it's dangerous. and, even though i'm terrified of what the consequences might be, i love you so much that i'm afraid to die without saying it at least once.
"i'm—i'm so sorry for being so stupid, because—" jungwon whispers with a shaky voice, teetering on the edge of consciousness, "i love you, [y/n]. i love you."
jungwon's hearing is fading in and out, and his vision is growing blurry; but, the sounds of your footsteps accompanied by the incessant drone of his phone keeps him from slipping into that overwhelming darkness. you take in a sharp breath, and his head lolls in your direction. jungwon's lips are molded into a mindless, faraway smile; his eyes are misted over, foggy with both pain and fatigue. he's not all there, but he still manages to be cheerful. it astounds you.
rushing over to begin applying all the first aid supplies you managed to stuff into your backpack. wound-wash, gauze, bandage, wound-wash, gauze, bandage, wound-wash gauze bandage, wound-washgauzebandage. the sheer amount of blood that has been leeched from his body makes you dizzy; your head is spinning as you try to calculate just how many pints would be equal to what you've just sopped up. glancing up at your best friend (crush? lover?) you see that his eyes have drooped shut. his skin is pallid, his lips are pale, his neck is craned at an awkward angle as it rests on his shoulder. and, your heart stops because you didn't get to say it back.
"no. no, no, no ... won—jungwon, wake up!" a storm brews in your stomach. it starts as a mellow rain pattering against the lining of your intestines, then becomes a raging tempest as it bubbles up and out of your throat. "please, please, please! i got here in time, i swear—i never cared about the stupid, fucking calc test! i cared about you, i care about you! and, i'm here now, so you can't leave. you can't leave me."
an inhuman shriek claws through your lips, ricocheting against the brick walls that seem to be caving in around you; the weight of the world crashes into your frail shoulders, threatening to crush you. as you inch even closer to jungwon's shrouded figure, your pants are soaked through with a crude mixture of blood and rainwater. you reach out for him and cup his cheek with a trembling hand, and part of you swears his skin is still warm to the touch.
but, hope has no place here.
instead, you cradle his head and heave his body to rest against yours. he is astonishingly heavy; you can feel his muscles ripple beneath the tips of your fingers, but you're already convinced. your best friend is dead. slowly, the cement will absorb his heat, and he will grow cold. as the morning draws nigh, you will be forced to put his mask back on and leave him for someone else to find. then, the news articles will pour in, and the city will have stolen not only his life, but his death as well. tears are wetting his scalp as you bury your nose into his sweat-caked hair. you're gripping at his suit so hard you think the threads might snap, and the throbbing in your head is nothing compared to the agony in your heart.
the wailing doesn't stop until, in your peripherals, you see his finger twitch. sucking a staggering breath through his nose, jungwon cracks open a tired eye to gaze up at you. "i would—" he coughs out with a wince, "i would never leave you."
in your stupor, his voice doesn't register first. his mouth moves, but no sound escapes him; then, the words play over again in your mind while his lips remain closed. seconds melt into minutes, and you float away from your body. a numbness overtakes you as you stare at the scene before you from about five feet away; your fingers are still clutching at the suit fibers, the pajamas you chose earlier tonight are now saturated with blood, and jungwon is breathing. jungwon is breathing. jungwon is breathing.
snapping back into yourself, you place a weak hand on his chest. steadily, certainly—it rises and falls; the beating of his heart, though shallow and slow, thrums beneath your palm. shifting your stare to his face, you are greeted once again by a familiar, wry smile. jungwon is alive. despite all odds, the boy you love is alive; and, try as you might, you can't really help yourself.
"[y/n]?" he croaks, quirking the eyebrow above his less swollen eye, "can you hear—"
"i love you, too."
the utterance dangles precariously in the frigid midnight air. jungwon's lack of response causes your stomach to churn until he relexes further into your frame, huffing out a pained laugh. he lets himself rest for a moment, relishing in the warmth he manages to leech from your skin. "it wasn't ... wasn't supp—supposed to happen like this, you know?" jungwon protests, voice catching on his fatigue and discomfort. "i ... had everything planned—planned out."
"won, you don't—"
baring his teeth, he lifts a hand to hold the one you kept on his chest and barrels through your objection. "i was gonna take you to the met ... gonna take you for a pic—a picnic in central park." jungwon sputters, pressing his forehead against your upper arm, "then, we would swing ... back to your apartment. 'nd, i was gonna tell—tell you. tell you about how i feel."
still supporting his neck with your arm, you move to take his face in your palm once more. jungwon's gaze is sharper than it was just minutes ago—more focused, more alert. the emotions swirling in those deep pools of raw umber are more multitudinous than the stars they reflect. gratitude, torment, joy, defeat, love. bridging the gap that had separated the two of you for so long, you stop just shy of his lips. a dynamic heat emanates from them; jungwon is practically vibrating under your touch, living and breathing.
"are you okay?" you ask, "is this okay?"
jungwon answers by pushing himself up—closing the distance, sharing your breath, connecting your souls. salt and iron dance on his tongue as your tears mingle with his blood. it's a hypnotizing concoction—one that threatens to send him reeling, one that threatens to have him spinning out with no hope of return. fireworks explode behind his eyelids, a myriad of bright reds and vibrant oranges blinds him, and jungwon uses what is left of his strength to grip your wrist; he grounds himself and allows his lungs to burn as he breathes you in.
after a while, however, your parting is instinctual as the lack of oxygen forces you apart—two bodies trying to preserve themselves long enough to meet again. with a labored sigh, jungwon slumps backwards and tucks his chin to catch your gaze. in that moment, he finds himself frozen; his essence is suspended motionless, positively bewitched by you. in the silence, where all he can sense is you, jungwon embraces the ever-present warmth that has flourished within him. it floods his being with a terrifyingly powerful adoration for you. it is nothing like he has ever felt before, and though he is brave enough to confess, this extent of his love for you—it scares him.
however, as your skin glows in the light of the moon and your eyes pool with the desire for a future with him, jungwon digs his feet in and roots your love deep within his heart. he refuses to let this fear grow in its place; instead, he vows to nurture it, to care for it, to protect it. as he lies in your arms, jungwon rejects the sublime once more and chooses for himself.
"i love you, [y/n]," he whispers into your palm.
the world seems to go quiet as it listens for your response.
"i love you, too, jungwon."
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