#just. it feels like ill never be able to show all of my genuine self to anyone

[gothicflowers]

Call Of Duty x GN!Reader

How they would react to you telling them about your anxiety disorder.

Warnings: talks of Generalized Anxiety Disorder. This is inspired by my own struggles as a diagnosed individual with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Please do not self diagnose or glamorize mental disorders or illnesses.

Sitting down for lunch after this mornings long meeting felt like heaven. A much needed battery recharging time for you. Taking a moment to practice your positive affirmations and breathing like your therapist said you felt the anxiety simmer down. Only to be interrupted by a tray being placed on your small two person table.

“You’re kinda quiet and shy. It’s actually kinda nice being around someone that doesn’t feel the need to be the loudest voice in the room.” He nonchalantly hands you an electrolyte drink and takes a seat across from you before continuing his rambling. You look back down at your half eaten sandwich diverted your eyes from his. Eye contact is a struggle you’ve been working on. Still listening to his words you nod your head so he doesn’t think you’re ignoring him.

“I mean we all have to know how to be assertive in this line of work, but I can really appreciate your demeanor as a person. You have a calming energy about you.”

You laughed at his description of you and couldn’t help the words from spilling out. “Thanks, it’s actually just a disorder.” You let out a faint laugh. You always tried to find the humor in your situation.

He was too stunned to speak or finish putting his sandwich in his mouth. He put it back down on his plate before trying to find the right words. He was worried his words had came across as rude and disrespectful. All of which he was trying to avoid.

After realizing your blurted out confession you took a brief moment to compose yourself and your thoughts. Looking up at him you gave a faint smile trying to show you’re not upset. “I have what’s called Generalized Anxiety Disorder. People with the condition can struggle with different things.” Trying to describe your struggles isn’t something you’re great at but maybe he’ll understand? “Personally, I don’t do well in social situations, interactions or speaking up. It sometimes leads to anxiety, stress, overthinking and panic attacks if it’s real bad. I prefer to be hidden in the background away from everyone’s attention. I know my comfort zones and when to push myself. But it’s never affected by ability as a soldier.” You nod your head at your own explanation.

He smiles and nods. “I appreciate you telling me that so I understand you better. I do apologize if me saying your shy or quiet came across rude. I genuinely find you to be a great person to be around.”

“Actually you probably went about it in possibly the kindest way I’ve ever experienced. I’ve been told my quietness is rude or snobbish. Which is far from how I want to be perceived. So I actually appreciate someone taking a liking to it.”

It was nice being able to have a conversation about your disorder without feelings judging. Nor did he offer unsolicited advice. Instead he recognized that it was something you don’t openly share and appreciated your trust in him. And his opinion of you didn’t change. After feeling closed off from your team you felt a little more comfortable, with him at least.

Alex Keller, Rudy (Roldofo) Parra, Gaz (Kyle) Garrick, Roach, John Price, Nikolai, Logan Walker

#call of duty #cod #alex keller #flowerwrites #captain john price #john price #rudy parra #nikolai #call of duty imagine #call of duty x y/n #call of duty x reader #kyle gaz garrick #cod roach #cod rodolfo #roldofo parra #rodolfo rudy parra #captain johnathan price #captain price #roach call of duty #Garry roach #logan walker #logan cod #nikolai reboot call of duty #nikolai cod x reader #cod nikolai #alejandro vargas #alex keller x reader #s(creaming) #simon ghost riley #john price smut

[gojokinni]

DAZAI ANALYSIS

Ok, so I actually thought a lot about posting something like this, because it would mean revealing a lot of personal stuff about me... However I felt like sharing my vision on Dazai, my favorite character, someone I relate to so much it hurts...

To start this character analysis, I'm actually going to analyze myself. Today I know that I am a deeply disturbed person, since I was in primary school and maybe before I was obsessed with sexual relations, I have no idea why, and to this day I don't know where it came from. All I know is that it led me to possess sexual trauma due to some "experiences" ( no r*pe, or pedophilia). One thing is sure,if I had to take my phone back in a hospital, I'd definitely be able to have a s*xual relationship for it.

I also have a severe lack of empathy. Which is weird since I'm a true emotional sponge... I will not understand how you feel, will not know how to comfort you, will not relate or put myself in your shoes. All of that is tiring to me, weird, I simply don't get it.

I was also probably one of the worst bully to ever exist, not physically but verbally. I never treated my "friends" fairly , was always bossy and mean. And you know what's the worst ? It's that I never realized it, not in the sense that I was young and didn't know better, but more like someone took over and talked instead of me. As if I was protecting myself. It made many people hate me and no matter what I do it'll always be like that.

Today, I have only 2 or 3 people I seem to genuinely care about and even then I really doubt they'd stay. I never really showed them who I was, always hiding behind sarcasm and self depreciating jokes.

Basically, I'm a weird mix between pragmatic and emotional. I can't function in society and will probably never be able to. Isolation, and solitude are what I dream of, not because I love these but because I can't seem to deal with others... Many would say I'm a psycho. I think I am.

That's where I relate to Dazai. I'm not a killer, I never tortured anyone, and while I was probably abusive mentally, I was never physically. However I get how he acts. Not having any morals, to be like a virus, someone so different from others that you could never integrate. You still try, because of diverse reasons, but even then you feel like it's not where you should really be.

Nobody knows who you are, firstly because you've always hidden yourself behind a different persona, but most importantly because you don't know yourself who you are. Everyday that passes, you feel empty, devoid of any things that make people's life interesting and bright.

Every time I see a rant post about how Dazai is a monster, it really makes me wanna cry, hide myself in my bed and never get out. Because it's me. Things are not as easy as :" oh he's a psycho, bad bad person". It's not that easy to act accordingly as everyone wants when you don't get it. I know that I could never come up to my ex-friends, look at them and say I'm sorry, just like how Dazai will never look at Akutagawa and say I'm sorry. Not because I'm heartless but because it won't get out. Even though I'm strong at lying, manipulating, even though I do that every day.

It's frustrating to not know who you are. To be a monster in everybody's eyes and even yours. Guess what, I'm deeply, disturbed, probably mentally ill, many would call me broken, and I already do it. I love Dazai, would defend him till the end of my life. He's my favorite character. Why ?

Because he's me.

#osamu dazai #dazai #dazai osamu #bungou stray dogs #rant post #character analysis #port mafia #atsushi nakajima #chuuya nakahara #bsd akutagawa #akutagawa ryuunosuke #bsd #bsd dazai #dazai apologist #skk #skk bsd #soukouku

[edai-crplpnk]

2.- was sasuke right? || 3.- were naruto's intentions with sasuke selfish? || 8.- show a screenshot of your latest draft with no context ((always gonna pick the excuse to see sneak peeks lol)) || 14.-openings or endings?

For the Controversial Naruto Take Ask

2 - was sasuke right?

I'd like to preface this by saying I find it utterly insane how everyone (in canon and also a bit in the fandom tbh) says stuff about sasuke needing to atone for his crimes and whatnot when he literally has never killed anyone in the whole series. Even Naruto has, and he hasn't. And it's explicitly said that he has gone out of his way not to, and that he has asked Taka not to either while they were working for him. So, of course, the whole barging in at the gokage summit thing was not very cordial, but compared to what most of the characters have done, he's pretty fine. (Kakashi kills a child in the very first arc, may I remind everyone.)

Anyway. If the question is "Was Sasuke right about wanting a revolution and to take down Konoha's government?" I mean. Yes, I think that genocide is bad and that states that have been built in a way that allows and, furthermore, have flourished on them, should be undermined. I don't know if he was going to have a plan for that that would have led to something more functional to be built, I'll give you that, but yes Homura and Koharu should have died in a jail cell decades ago.

The part where he went full "I am going to become an eternal god hated by all and ruling by fear" was probably ill-advised though.

3 - were naruto's intentions with sasuke selfish?

That's an interesting question because I've never thought about it like that? I think that one thing happening in their dynamic is that they have very similar problems and trauma, but very different ways to react to it. And so they can relate to the other's motivation, but tend to think "but you are being mistaken about the solution because I know how to solve this and it's not that". But the truth is they are both traumatised teenagers willing to literally die for attention and a feeling of accomplishment and purpose, so I don't think either of them really has it figured out 😭

I don't think that Naruto's intentions with Sasuke were selfish, in the sense that I think he genuinely was doing what he was doing with the belief that it was the right way and that it would help and save him (which, for a part at least, it did). But maybe it was selfish in that he wasn't able to consider that because just he is seeing one path out of his problems and pain, then that path has to be right for Sasuke as well. To consider that he was a different person who maybe needed to make different choices and that's okay.

Not to do my self-promo but actually yesdo this authors, it's good: this is part of what I wanted to explore in Take You Heart Above The Water. Sasuke cannot (and as a matter of fact, in canon, does not) come back to Konoha and integrate into it the way Naruto does. And it's not necessarily a good goal for him to have. They have different relationships with the village, the people, different needs, or maybe similar ones but different ways to meet them. Helping people grow and feel happy and loved doesn't always mean helping them have the same life as you do.

8 - show a screenshot of your latest draft with no context

The last thing I worked I just posted it, so I'm going to take sneak peek of the last WIP I've worked on. It's All Bones and a Beating Heart, my ShikaChou modern AU.

The breaks in his voice takes him by surprise like a tide rising while one’s looking away, only catching back their attention when the cold water reaches their feet. The admission he’s about to make has been building in the back of his mind for weeks, unspeakable but unshakable too, feeding on him like a parasite that will now gush out through his throat after having overgrown his guts, and there’s nothing he can do to stop it. His lashes stick with tears when he blinks and his lips are dry when they part. “I don’t want anything in me anymore.”

Fun times 👍

14 - openings or endings?

I'm gonna say endings just for Nakushita Kotoba.

Thank you for asking!!

#naruto #sasunaru #narusasu #sns #sasunarusasu #shikacho #naruto meta

[queenie-blackthorn]

in honor of world mental health day heres my story below the cut :)

kinda hard to talk abt this cause its somewhat triggering and ik theres gonna be ppl who think im just an emo 15 y/o, but i swear im not tryna be dramatic. im tryna make peace with my past, and also show others that despite everything, you can make it.

also, im tryna show that healing isnt all sunshine and daises. theres the good, the bad, and the ugly. you can and will survive it all

tw: sewerslide attempt, abusive parents, self harm, violence ig ?

ive died two times in my life so far.

the first time, it was my parents who killed me. december 31st, 2020, ~1.15am. i remember dragging across the hallway in my house, a throbbing sensation in my thigh, the mark already turning purple. i walked past my younger sisters' room, where my cousin was sleeping over with them, and i remember climbing into bed, hugging my pillow, crying against the pillow. that night, it was my innocence that died. my childhood happiness, per se. i remember swearing to myself in those final moments before darkness that id never forget that day. december 31st, 2020, ~1.15am.

the time between my two deaths was filled with barely anything other than self loathing. i remember trying to set goals for myself, reasons to live. i tried out new hobbies. i was never able to meet those goals, and all the hobbies bored me.

i met some of the best people ever during that time. i also met some of the worst. i might sound dramatic, cause im young and impressionable, but the people i met during that time genuinely shaped who i am. i dont wanna act like im an old soul or anything, cause im sure that in a few years imma look back and think, "shit, i was really immature." but i matured faster than others my age. i found myself faster, found things i liked, found love, found out i hated being in love.

and then i died again.

this was a recent death. june 22, 2023. my mental health had been deteriorating for months prior – i still have scars on my arms.

it was a slower death compared to the last one. i started dying at around 4.00pm. it went on for an hour before the pain became unbearable and i confessed to my parents. i didnt want to go to the hospital, i was scared of what theyd do. i threw up seven times before giving in at about 8.00pm. they took me to the hospital. i was told told me i was lucky to be alive, that my liver was still functional. i didnt feel lucky. i felt like death wouldve been less painful. my head was spinning

i died in that hospital bed, at ~9.40pm, with my eyes wide open, my mom sitting near me. my thoughts at the time were along the lines of this:

im quite literally a child in the eyes of the world. ive done nothing. i have a psychology exam tomorrow. i have a book im halfway done writing, and a new story thats been brewing in my head for months. but if i die now, ill never get to finish any of that. ill never succeed. ill never be able to spit in the faces of the girls who bullied me, of the teachers who doubted me. why would i do this to myself? why would i rob myself of that chance?

so i died. but not the same way as last time. this time, it was the poisonous me that died, the me that whispered in my ear that my life would amount to nothing, that everyone else had it better, that you either succeed or you dont.

and when i died the second time, something happened that didnt happen the first time.

i was reborn.

at the time of me writing this, its been less than four months since my rebirth. in those four months:

i decided to change the world somehow. not necessarily by finding the cure to cancer or anything, id be satisfied if it was just a cute lil video i made going viral. as long as theres someone out there who i changed

i finished about six chapters of my book

i began writing the story that had been brewing in my head

i started lifting weights to make myself feel better abt how i looked

i got closer to god. stopped missing prayer

i moved schools, leaving behind both bullies and friends

i started focusing on my studies

i tried to fix my relationships with my parents and my siblings

dont get me wrong. none of these are completed. im still an extreme case of nobody-ness. i havent finished writing either of my stories. i still skip out on working out a lot i still only do the bare minimum in terms of religion. im still struggling to catch up in school to make up for my three years of burnout. my relationship with my family is still kinda weird

and i still feel like im dying sometimes. its not like i changed overnight and all those suicidal thoughts and feelings of drowning just disappeared when the sunrays came up. theres still a lot of issues in my life.

but i have faith in myself. in my ability to change the things that can be changed. in creating happiness where theres room for it to be made.

and if finding happiness a losing battle?

well, ill fight like its the fucking boudican revolt.

#mental health day #world mental health day #october 10 #tw sewerslide attempt #tw mentions of death #tw mentions of self harm #tw self destructive behavior #road to recovery

[prestonmonterey]

hey so im v curious about like reality shifting and stuff but idk much about it and i have some questions

hii ok

im like

a bit eepy

but ill try to make my thoughts make sense

so

(forgive me, i wanna learn more about shifting and the community, but all of my knowledge comes from inherently critical sources, so im sorry if i come off as rude or anything, im not trying to be i genuinely want to learn more about this)

reality shifting

to my understanding

is like...kinda a combination of fiction/fanfic and dreaming.

and it stems from the idea of the multiverse?

and the idea. that you can exchange your consciousness with someones from another timeline/parallel universe

and usually this happens when youre dreaming or begins when you sleep

so

(also plz correct me if im wrong on any of the stuff above)

now onto question stuff

i think its pretty important, that like. a lot of the stuff ive seen around shifting and like, response to any criticism is basically like 'youre the only person holding yourself back" like, anyone can shift, so if you cant its your fault

and on one hand i guess this could be motivational? like as long as you try hard enough its possible?

basically i want to make sure it isnt hurting peoples self esteem or mental health

but also. i. had a similar experience with lucid dreaming when i was a kid. my mom had a phase about lucid dreaming and was telling me all about it and was like 'you should try it' so i did. i tried. over and over. to somehow just 'realize' i was dreaming and take control. it never worked for me. and my mom was like 'well i guess youre just not trying hard enough'

and it was really disheartening bc ive always had trouble with sleep (might have like. insomnia or something. ive never been able to sleep well through a full night even before my life was consumed by screens.) and ive always had extremely strange dreams. and in my waking mind of course i know that if my teacher turned into an octopus with an apple for a head (yes this did happen in a dream) i would definitely notice and be like 'hey, thats not right' but it doesnt work like that in dreams. in my dreams it kinda feels like my impulses control me and i dont have any sense of self or logic.

and it felt awful to be told that it was my fault that i couldnt do it.

i also know that lucid dreaming somewhat ties into shifting so thats one of my other concerns, bc ive never been able to lucid dream and i dont know if i ever will

also idk where to put this but like. safety is important to me. i have friends who shift and i want to make sure they arent like, actually at risk of dying? and even seperate from that im wondering if people use this as a form of escapism too often that it becomes unhealthy and like negatively affects other aspects of their life

next question: is there proof

of course theres going to be anecdotal evidence from individuals in the community, and thats super alright. but sometimes people make things up. and sometimes people tell made up things to young, impressionable children who carry those falsehoods into life. and im worried about that

ok so ive read like 1 artice about this all. but immediately it brought up a major red flag for me. it gave an example of a study on shifting. but. it didnt cite its sources

and if anyones wondering that is a huge no-no. anyone can make up conclusions from made up studies. the point of studies is to show that people who are properly educated and know what theyre doing support these claims.

now im not saying shifting is made up in any way. it just seems sketchy to me that seemingly widespread sources talk about studies but theres no links or anything. theyre basically saying 'i saw a thing about it. just trust me.'

also uhh...idk much about the multiverse. but from what i understand. it comes from the idea of free will. and that every time anyone makes a descision, a parallel universe is created where they made a different descision. so i get that that could change a lot of things about the world like the rate of inventions and industrialization and wars and stuff. but really the shifting that ive seen most is into more fantasy leaning worlds. and im kinda wondering how thats possible in the multiverse? like sure theres infinite timelines...but most of those timelines will just be like. the same as this one but samantha chose to put on her right sock first instead of her left sock or something. and physics still applies, right? so how does hogwarts exist? does hogwarts exist? if magic is real in a parallel universe, is it real here?

so basically to sum it up my main questions are:

how do we know shifting is possible for everyone?

is it safe? (mentally, physically etc)

is lucid dreaming necessary?

is there any proof or credible source that i can look to for more info?

and how does this tie into the multiverse theory

also if anyone has any information about scripting and like evrything about reality shifting that would be great

i wanna learn more but im afraid of finding misinformation

ty :3

#marble musings #reality shifting #shifting #shifting questions

[sunriseflamesart]

Ya'll liked my other post about Levi liking overweight people so it got me thinking. Again.

(Sorry for any errors, I'm a bit sleepy lol)

Disclaimer: I actually never watched/read Aot but I somehow got attached to the characteristics so this is my interpretation of how I understand the characters ok?

Hange would be elated to have an overweight s/o. Why? Because they're always really excited about new things and working in the military they never really interacted with someone that wasn't as solid as a brick house.

I think they'd find the softness of your body fascinating and will totally faceplant on your stomach when you're laying down. Will sing praises about how comfy your tummy is. Will probably fall asleep on you.

If you're self conscious and tell them to tone it down, they'll be baffled.

"Self conscious? But…you're so squishy, I love it."

(If you are uncomfortable for other reasons they'll try to back down)

Loves the fact that they can just…. burrow against your side and doze.

Will sometimes appear by your side just to squish your cheeks or gently pinch your sides with a manic smile.

*

I think Erwin wouldn't mind an overweight s/o…simply put he doesn't seem like someone that cares about that kind of stuff. If you mesh well together then it's all he needs, no matter if you're 5 kgs or 50 kgs overweight.

Another one that will doze on you and say that you're the best pillow he ever had.

Just…let him rest on your lap. He needs it.

Since he's the Commander, people always gossip behind his back. He doesn't mind if they criticise him, but they better not be speaking ill of you.

Levi had to personally hold him back to prevent him from killing the last person that insulted you because of your weight.

Will caress your stretch marks and kiss them.

Loves to squish your softest spots but will resist the urge unless it's just you too cuddling (unlike Hange).

*

Reiner needs a hug and if you're big then there's more for him to hug.

Will 100% hug you like a teddy bear while sleeping.

If you ever get self conscious he'd be like "???? But you're a beauty????".

Genuinely confused.

Probably likes to lift you up in his arms like you weigh nothing. Getting to carry you around bridal style is low-key what fuels his training.

Will probably try to suffocate himself between your thighs.

*

Bertholdt feels like a sweetheart that will practice cooking your food until he's satisfied with the results.

I feel like he'd treat you like royalty.

Loves hugging you from behind and rest his head on your shoulder.

He's gangly and thin and I feel like he'd be self conscious about it, preferring your softness to his sharp edges.

*

Porco doesn't see a problem in you being overweight. He's fit enough for you both.

Will show off how strong he is by lifting you up while hugging you.

Also you better better make peace with the fact that he'll want you sitting on his lap most of the time. (not like that)

Will 100% scoff if you get worried you're too heavy for him.

"Please. You're as light as a feather"

If anyone insults you they'll find themselves with a broken nose and a few teeth less.

*

Bonus Levi again because I can and I said so:

Levi will low-key panic if he see you lost weight. To him, weight loss is a sign of stress, illness or lack of food. And he can't permit any of these things to be happening to you.

He's super observant so he'll probably be able to see your change in weight quite quickly.

He'll work himself into a frenzy until you gain the weight you lost or show him you're fine.

#levi x reader #hange x reader #erwin x reader #reiner x reader #berthold x reader #porco x reader #levi x y/n #levi x you #levi ackerman x reader #hange zoë x reader #erwin smith x reader #reiner braun x reader #bertholdt hoover x reader #porco galliard x reader #my shit #sunny writes

[herequeerexitentialfear]

How about 20 and 25 for Georgie, and 7, 30, and B for the twins!

Tyy!!! these are all so fun!! my awnsers got Looong so the rest are under teh read more<33

Georgie:

20, If they were asked to explain the difference between romantic and platonic or familial love, how would they do so?

Hmm. romantic as just a slightly different flavor of platonic, and familial as something stronger in some ways than both, familial is choosing to stay with someone through everything, where as most friends and lovers, however strong the feelings, are people who can fade in and out of your life. him being adopted causes this take on familial, and his calm approach to life & love shapes the others.

25, What are their thoughts on marriage?

Happily married to the love of his life Sosiel!! longer answer, he sees it as an extra step to show the bond you and a partner have, but doesn't see it as nessasery or an end goal, just one of the ways of pledging your love for someone [and throwing a big party!]

7, What triggers nostalgia for them, most often? Do they enjoy that feeling?

Celia: Most often? her close friends, but in general shes a very nostalgic person, constantly following threads of recognition back to the past, distracting herself from the constant threat of her situation in the warmth of the past, in the reassurance that shes made it through past struggles, she can make it through these, as well as reminding her what and who shes fighting for. she enjoys the feeling most of the time, and even recalling the horrors of the past can be reassuring to her.

Cecio: hmm. Wotr: everything? there is very little he cannot link back to Celia in his mind, to how she was when he was younger and how he thinks of her now. its less self soothing than Celia's nostalgia, and could be seen as self harm in a way, by constantly think of her and his complicated relationship with her. its not very healthy, but he morbidly enjoys the feeling sometimes.

30, Who do they most regret meeting?

Celia: Hmm. there is no one person that ruined or changed the course of Celia's life like Cecio, it was more of a butterfly effect over time. on one hand she regrets meeting her freind's and her part in dragging them further into the cycle of violence, but on the other she knows they had slim chances of surviving without her. I will say Polpo, even though she technically never met him as it was the lighter test & his stand puncturing her with the arrow that pushed her and her friends into a higher level of crime and violence, and her powerful stand meaning she would not be allowed to escape Passiones grasp.

Cecio: OOH. this is so good ill have to answer this both ways<3

wotr: his father, or the servant that took him to meet his father. if he had not met them, he would have stayed with Celia, stayed home. if he ever lest himself think about it, he would like to join the hellknights after her and eventually be able to fight side by side with her on the battlefield as an equal

jjba: the man who persuaded him to go undercover as a plant in the police force. while his urge to help his sister was preyed upon, and he is the only person other than Elena to have a genuine chance to escape the cycle, and he threw it away. then Passione didn't care about Celia's little brother, but by the time Rametto was 16, he had no other path than to take the test, which made Cecio feel guilt and regret over throwing his chance away. he would have been a defense lawyer, working to defend the people of his community, he had the grades and charm.

B, What inspired you to create them?

Celia i've already answered here but ill put myself on blast with Cecio.

Haurchefant Greystone. its so weird saying to now bc they are so completely different, but one fic i read made the very interesting choice to make his relationship with his father strained [in an au where he survived] and it was so fascinating to me!

i then pulled my dragoon oc and made her his half sister, someone left behind when Haurchefant was taken in by his father, and then combined it with him getting mistreated by his stepmother, leaving Celia to work to fund his knight training, as well as use the only method of social mobility she had, becoming a dragoon and attempting to become the azure dragoon. she fucking hates estinian and tries to kill him several times in her attempt to become the azure dragoon. yes im still anooyed by him from the drg job quests. i love him but i show it by throwing him on a cliff

silver hair and being a bastard son is what little remains, but i do imagine Cecio's friendly act, especially in pre-game in wotr is very similar to how Haurchefant acts.

#thebirdwrites #georgie #gold & silver #celia #cecio #TYY again<33 #and i bit the bullet and came clean about Cecio's inspiration. its wild to see how much some characters change #Cecios regrets were my fav to awnser #one small thing and it all would have been diffrent #but they were all v thought provoking! #georgies view on types of love is fairly atypical #and similar to his thoughts on marrige #its just another way to say i love you #nice but not strictly nessasery to a relationship

[yourlocalcryptidfriend]

My Nephew

CW: Mentions of mental illness/effects of trauma, nothing descriptive. Tooth-rotting fluff

My nephew. He isn’t a genuine nephew, not in a biological sense, but he is my sibling’s son, so therefore he is.

His bright, colorful, ever-changing hair constantly matching his personality. He is without a doubt one of the most gentle, caring, and loving people I have ever met. He’s willing to give up so much in order to make those around him feel safe and comfortable.

But that came as a price he never should have had to pay.

Growing up was…difficult for him to say the least. It isn’t my place to give any details, but it was, no matter how many times he may deny it to me and his moms.

He has scars mentally and emotional, and those scars open, rehashing memories and feelings from long ago that his brain hid from him. He thinks because of his troubles that we will leave him, or hate him, or be mad at him.

But that couldn’t be further from the truth.

He is so unbelievably loved and cherished that it would make others sick. Just the other day, we were together and he showed me a mug that said something along the lines of, “Best father ever.”

I almost cried.

I thought that with everything he has gone through, that he’d never want to utter the words of someone being his father figure ever again…yet here he was, calling me that. He solidified it the day after when I told him, saying how I’m the closest he’ll get to a dad.

I know that if he ever genuinely called me dad…I wouldn’t be able to stop crying.

With how I’m describing it, many would think that the relationships he has with us cause us pain and strain. There is. But not how you may be thinking.

The strain comes from a place of worry, concern, and love. We hate seeing him how he is now, delicate, fragile, hurting. Every tear that runs across his face, every choking sob, every word of denial and self-hatred. It hurts us all to see it…

But it’s worth it every time we see his smile or hear his laugh, our hearts burst at the sight, because we know it’s one people rarely get to see. It’s worth it every time we hear him say he’s happy, or he feels safe, because we know he’s telling the truth. It’s worth it every time he hugs us because we get to hold him in our arms and push every ounce of love we have to him. It’s worth it to see him get happy and excited when he gets what he wants because he’s a child and he’s finally able to be one with us.

Relationships, especially amongst those who have been hurt, are complicated and difficult. They take effort. To think that any relationship, with any person, will be perfect…is to be arrogant and foolish.

We could have found another person to be our friend, but they would never fit the spot like he does. Everyone fits a general color in the rainbow, but he himself is a specific shade, hue, tint, everything. He brings his own personality and light to our family.

He hides because he thinks he needs to protect us and keep us safe, but we’re ready. We want to go into the dark with him. We want to be there holding the flashlight for him. We want to be his light.

My nephew.

My lil Dino.

Your mama’s baby boy.

We love you, so much.

@firebird-theloser @plusfuckingultra @un-ava-ilable-to-you

#found family #nephew #i love him #family #fluff #fluffy #soft fluff #love #you are here #you are awesome #you are loved #you are not alone #you are home #you are a gift #it’s ok to not be okay #it’s ok to cry #it’s ok to ask for help #i love you

[indicapup]

Could I have a reality check? If that isn't okay, please disregard this message.

I worry I am starting to have the delusion that we are a lil spiritually/psychically connected, that we may be the same "souls" experiencing similar but different lives. A lot of the things you post I feel like I "get it", and maybe I project my own identity onto you.

This all sounds very narcissistic and egotistical 🤢 But it is comforting. I don't wish to be close, and I wouldn't want to cause you harm. I've followed you for like 6 years, and these thoughts have only been recent.

This doesn't seem right, does it? /Genuine

Im probably not the best person to ask for a "reality cheek" from since i belive reality is individual. But ill try answer this ask regardless.

I think im a very "spiritual" person, i do belive in connections between people that are deeper than "normal connections", and connections that are meant to be. But theres no way for me to know if we have any sort of connection because you are anonymous, i know nothing about you or who you are, or if we have talked before. I have discovered to have deeply spiritual connections to people before though. But thats alwaya been discovered in physical reality, not online. As its also a physical feeling.

I do not belive in souls at all. In my mind there is no way two people can be the same person. There is only me, in my current life. I wish it was different honestly, and i could hope for more. I cant allow myself the comfort of thinking i have or am more than what i currently have. (Unless we are talking about different dimensions , but we share one, and i can only exsist in one dimension at the same time. But all dimensions i exsist in are a part of me and my current reality, not separate and i could not interact with myself from another dimension, just gain consciousness of it and experience them Simultaneously)

Its very normal if you "get" my posts, and relate to me. But before you get delusional about me , maybe talk to me on a personal level first. Because im very complex in ways that cant be precived from just following me and seeing my online content... even if you feel yourself seen or reflected in 100% of what i post online, that would not mean you are me or even similar to me as a person, or that you even understand me in any degree as your preception of me could be horribly off/wrong.

And again, i dont show all of myself online. Im very carefull to keep my most personal information or even traits to myself or close ones to learn about. I also have DID, so this is just a small part me as an antire person in itself. Our life experiences that shape us are completely diffrent too.

If we do have similarities, if youre able to relate to me deeply, or feel we might have a connection, i think thats at most a great opportunity for friendship. Feel free to dm me, id love to talk. If not, thats fine too. If you are concerned youre getting attached to me in an unhealthy way, maybe just block me and walk away. Whatever you think is best.

I don't understand "dont wish to harm you". The only thing that would upset me is trying to claim you are me online or impersonate me. Id also be uncomfortable to me if you tried to copy my behavior, art or style in order to feel closer to me or being me. There is lovely wonder in accepting yourself as your own being and exploring your own self. Being you is the one thing you will always have that can never be lost or taken away. (Well.. only by de*th...) id say you are the most important being in your own life/reality. Just like i am to myself. And you should focus on that and enjoy it while you can.

Youre free to find comfort in me and my content though. I know a lot of people do relate to my posts and find it comforting and it makes me glad to hear. I want to bring comfort to people. Never pain, hurt, fear.

Wish u the best<3

#ask #mine

[mrdarcysdadbod]

It is pretty fucked up how Amy is mostly reduced to the baby of the family when she's around them(coming in the next day to find Mrs. Laurence sitting in her mother's lap, as if being made `the baby' again,) would've loved it if she and Laurie had settled down somewhere else. Also childless, because I really don't see either of them being parents, they're not like Meg and John or Fritz and Jo, them being caged in a white picked fence never felt right, and I'm so glad you pointed it out because I'd never been able to put it into words myself.

Same anon here this is CONT. It also would've showed, as you said, that not everyone needs to seetle back home with children to be completely realized. Completely missed opportunity, putting Amy and Laurie in the same box as Meg and John and Jo and Fritz didn't fit them as charactes and I fully believe LMA didn't care enough about that

Good pull on the quote there! Appreciate you

I wouldn't go so far as "fucked up" myself just bc sibling/birth order dynamics are pretty normal (and as a baby of the family myself it's a pretty sweet gig lol). I think it fits in with the general dynamic that LMA is setting up and exploring throughout the novel, and at the same time I think it stifles Amy's growth as a person and restricts her to a certain role and persona within the context of the March household. I talked about the bias LMA has towards Jo (for obvious reasons, as the author insert) and I think that the character of Amy (as well as Beth, for a completely different reason) is one of the places where the use of the Alcott family as a template and source is a weakness rather than a strength. For all LMA is a skilled writer, poor Amy just doesn't get her character dug into and explored with the same depth. And that's a hard thing to do, balancing four characters like that! It's a testament to LMA's skill that they're all as well developed and vivid as they are, and I'm not going to ding the book for being biased.

We do diverge on our opinion of Amy's ending just because I would've preferred she didn't end up with Laurie at all. I don't think I would've liked both of them settling away from home, just because I like Mr. Laurence too much to have his boy far away from him, but I also just... Don't like Laurie. I liked him early on, but he got less charming as the book went on, and I'm very much still not over the fact that he said on the page, twice, that he was settling for Amy cause he couldn't have Jo. I know he didn't continue to hold this position, necessarily, but it still sours the whole relationship for me that that was something he said/felt at all. It didn't have to be in there, and it was, and that's telling of him as a character. Ultimately I think Laurie ends up doing many right things for completely the wrong reasons and I just. Don't like it.

That said, in terms of the ending they DID get, I think it was basically the best possible option. I can't see either of them having the same joy in parenthood that Meg or Jo do, no, and the text kind of acknowledges that when it talks about their daughter in the last chapter, but it also says that her being sickly brought them together like nothing else could, which I can absolutely see. In a weird way, I think that the anxiety of having an ill child would have them both be more present and involved as parents than they may otherwise have been, just because being good parents would feel more urgent for a child who might not live long. And there's the fact that they experienced Beth's passing separately from the rest of the family, but together with each other.

I think my preferred ending for Amy would've been, like... She realizes at some point that maybe Laurie isn't a dream she wants to pursue, and either decides to stay in Europe and study art (which I know is not in keeping with the idea of "genius" at the time) or has a genuine romance with some completely new guy who's only ever known her as the self-possessed and fully-realized Amy, rather than the fourth March sister, and she gets to come to the realization that her ambition was less about being fancy or famous and more just about distinguishing herself and finding an identity that's hers alone.

Ultimately I think the sticking point that I come to with the novel, thematically, is that it has kind of a one-note image of the family relationship as, like, if you love your family you want to be around them all the time and get pretty much everything you need within that dynamic, and there's not really space for loving your family but needing to have your own life and identity outside and away from the family. Which kind of draws in other questions about contemporary and historical attitudes towards the family, but I don't think "I love my family but I need to exist outside of them" is necessarily a revolutionary take for 1868 since it's present in more than one Austen novel, at the very least.

Boy that got long! Thank you for the ask.

#little women #anonymous #mr darcys charming long letters #i need to use that tag more lmao

[donu-ko]

Character Analysis: Hanako

    Okay, okay so Just a disclaimer: This blog is most probably going to turn into a blog for TBHK Character analysis, plot analysis, dynamics, and occasional headcanons. All depending on what i feel like writing. If you’ve read this now, continue on for my character analysis of Hanako/Amane Yugi! 

Please be aware this will contain manga spoilers, and it is not yet complete as I’m not completely caught up in the manga!! If I have messed something up please feel free to correct me so I can make it accurate!!

Trigger Warning:

Mentions of:

-death

-Su*cide

-S*xual Ass@ult

Backstory

   While not everything is known about Hanako or his twin brother Tsukasa, we do have some outlines for their backstory. These being that long ago Hanako, who was once known as Amane, fell very ill when he was a mere toddler. His mother was distraught at these news that he was not meant to last more than a month. However later it is shown that the boy lived to his birthday on November 25. This is also where we find out that his brother made a wish to an entity that he later tells Amane lives under their home. We don’t know the type or name of said entity (As far as I know), only that it has apparently taken the place of Tsukasa in return for fulfilling his wish for Amane to get better. Later on in flashbacks, Amane is shown to be bruised in a certain manga panel. These bruises on his neck and arms hint that these could possibly be hickey’s from a S*xual assault. His shirt being unbuttoned in this flashback also hints to this. Tsuchigomori’s yorishiro being destroyed reveals that his yorishiro was given to him BY Amane Yugi. A moonrock that Amane said was quite precious to him and his love of space and the stars. In this flashback it is shown that Amane is still consistently being harmed by something, however he won’t fess up as to who or what it is, and says he doesn’t mind it. He then proceeds to tell his teacher he wants to go to the moon, but then decides he is never going anywhere, never leaving the school. Tsuchigomori proceeds to tell Nene that he peaked into Amane’s records of the future, finding that the boys love of the stars would manifest into him becoming a science teacher. It is later shared that he died, changing his fate and being the first person to do so. Amane now resides as the seventh of the seven wonders, Hanako the wish granting bathroom ghost. But how did Amane become Hanako? What were his regrets that led him to becoming a supernatural? And why a school mystery instead of something like the original Mitsuba’s ghost?

Personality

  So..to put it simply, Hanako is a very manipulative, somewhat self centered, and reckless person. He’s not only manipulative, but cunning as well. And a huge liar at almost any moment. This is first shown in the very beginning, first being when Kou discovered Nene’s limited ammount of time left to live. Hanako admitted to pretending to care about them in his own special way, but in the end it makes no difference to him who lives and who dies. Now this could have been just him trying to hide his feelings for Nene, but i genuinely believe that maybe apart from her, he really doesn’t care. He may pretend to and put on a show to look good and heroic, but in the end, as Teru said, he is still an apparition with evil personality traits. This particular ghost is also destroying yorishiro’s for the apparent reason of making sure they cannot be manipulated by Tsukasa’s rumour change. Tsuchigomori adds to this idea by stating that if it were lesser supernaturals then it wouldn’t matter, but they were affecting the wonders. Now why Tsukasa would target the wonders will be left for his own analysis. But why did Hanako think destroying their yorishiro’s and then reappointing them was the best option? And if he destroys all of them until only he is left, he is the only one left to target. But he wouldn’t be able to reinstate the other wonders if he were to destroy his own yorishiro, Tsukasa. However in recent chapters it is shown that Hanako, Tsukasa, and Nene are on a mission to destroy all of the yorishiro’s so that Hanako can wish for Nene’s life span to extend. Perhaps this shows that maybe he *Does* care for only her as he is risking his forgiveness of his sin for her life. Or perhaps he will not succeed because he cannot stand the thought of destroying Tsukasa again. Or even more, before it was for the reason to extend Nene’s life span, it was to grant his own wish of forgiveness. And it may still be that, he could be lying again! We won’t know for a while. As for his reckless personality, in the Sacrifice of the Grim Reaper arc Hanako is shown to not care whatsoever about supernatural’s flooding into the school even though HE is supposed to be responsible for them. Does he want students injured?? Does he want supernaturals to be the superior race? We may never know. And even further than that, he takes things to the extreme length to get what he wants. Sacrificing Nene’s best friend in order to save her, which he knows she wouldn’t want, he even admits that he knows she wouldn’t agree to that which is why he did it without permission. And up until the very moment he disappeared during the severance, he was giving off psychopathic vibes. His eyes were black like Tsukasa’s often are, hinting that maybe something within him wasn’t right. And he was so happy for a hot second there?? It could have been an act, but he was hiding things from Nene which lead to her falling into bad mental health after he disappeared. Which leads me to my final statement...He is ALWAYS hiding things and doing things on only his opinion!!! Nene’s life span, Aoi’s sacrifice, The picture perfect arc, he is a pathological liar!! The picture perfect Arc is one of the best ways to show that he takes things to the extreme to get what he wants, even attempting to trap Nene in a fake world forever, but also saying it was for Kou as well....overall I think he’s quite interesting in terms of personality, but very complex as well.

I will be adding more things later!! Two sections will be added, to give you hints, one will be titled “Amane” and the other “Tsuchigomori”

Thank you for listening and reading!!

[shaaaaaaar]

god i don’t think loneliness has ever felt as bad as it has this summer.

ive had more intense feelings of loneliness in my life than i feel now, but this sensation of loneliness feels worse. it’s the pain of being given all you could ever want but having it be taken away before you can truly relish in it.

across the past year i’ve built and developed such meaningful connections with people. for the first time irl i had a group of people i was close to that actually shared hobbies with me. people that made me realize just how touch-starved i am and to understand my needs better, people that taught me how to say “i love you” because they showed me how strong platonic love can be. people that loved me for all of me.

i had never been told before that someone loves all of me including my best and my worst. i had never been told thank you after rambling for like an hour about something. ive had genuinely amazing people in my life before, kind and funny and that are cool as hell. but i never had the type of friend group i formed in the past year.

but then i had to graduate. before i was ready to be gone from everyone. and they’re all right on my phone, but it’s not the same because a lot of what made it special was having people that are right there with me. and we still haven’t found our footing online, our little discord server we use still hasn’t found its footing (which if i said i wasn’t part of the problem i’d be a liar), i’m not as connected with people and i’m not doing things with people and i was supposed to be doing more than i am, that’s what i told myself and what i told other people and what other people expect from me.

i’ve stopped trying to plan things online because trying to do so was making me so stressed i was physically ill constsntly, to the point i was literally told to stop for my own sake. so i haven’t done things with people.

i’ve barely seen people outside of school over the summer because i’m already so exhausted from things online, making plans irl makes me so sick i freeze up at the thought of trying. so i’ve seen people twice and one of those two times i was having a breakdown for half of it because i was so scared.

i can’t manage it. nothing has happened.

and i’m pretty sure i’m taking this worse than anyone else is, i feel like i’m living in a nightmare. and i know about self fulfilling prophecies, that’s been something i’m scared of and conscious of too, but i don’t think anyone truly gets just how much i’m losing here because i’ve never had this in my life before. sometimes my inaction is because the fact that i have to take action to begin with makes me feel horrific.

i’ve fought my ass off this summer, fought against this beautiful disaster of the culmination of my mental illness and neurodivergency and my interests and my queerness and everything that makes me atypical making it hard to find my tribe. i’ve kicked and screamed to be able to hold on, hold onto something, one thing with this one fucking group that can stay normal and undamaged and not at total risk.

i don’t want to call out for help anymore because i feel like if i let myself cry i’m only putting things more in jeopardy. i still have but either with the safety and stability of my online friend group, vague because i’m scared to actually say anything, or if i do actually talk about things transparently it’s very sporadic.

today was a breaking point for all of this. where i’m so stressed and so exhausted and so scared that i was this close to removing everyone and running and praying that somehow that’d make things better (despite knowing it’s stupid and counterproductive) purely because i can’t handle this anymore and i don’t know what to do because i feel like i’ve tried everything.

i just want this shit to be fucking over.

i don’t want to be alone anymore.

#vent #9 pm rule #shar rambles for way too long

[aizenat]

@giftinguava What’s funny is I’ve been thinking a lot about kpop and why I don’t think it will ever be a staple of western/international music. Despite how big it’s blowing up rn, kpop companies are going to try to market more aggressively in the west and it’s not going to work for a host of reasons. I mean, just the other day, one of the stylists for Twice dressed one of the girls in a QAnon shirt. Their complete inability to understand westerners is going to be their biggest downfall.

But even more than that, the FANS are the biggest thing in the way of kpop being able to blow up genuinely and organically. It’s great to love this music and have fun with it; I was a huge jrocker in the 2000s and it also helped me connect to my hs crush when I was young. And being able to play songs from anime and belt it out with my friends is some of my favorite memories.

But this attacking behavior where you literally can’t say anything other than staunch praise is psychotic. It’s literal mental illness. It’s funny because when I was young, being an anime fan was cringe culture but now anime is mainstream and most anime fans do NOT act like…that. Like don’t get me wrong, there are still issues and they’re not perfect. But I feel like kpoppies have replaced weebs as the cringe youth culture, and yet they have none of the self awareness of everyone seeing them as cringe.

Like, when I was an anime fan as a kid, because there was so much dunking on weebs, I always kept myself in check so as not to be “like that.” It’s why I’m not into shipping and fanfiction and don’t make anime my entire identity; it was self policing so that I never crossed the line. It’s why when I learned about cultural appropriation, I didn’t have to make major adjustments because I wasn’t doing that shit from jump. I was always respectful towards Japanese culture. I sometimes say Japanese words, but I speak more French when I’m saying random shit in another language lol.

But kpoppies don’t do any of that. They do whatever they want, say what they want, harass whoever they want, and think they’re valid. There is no “am I being cringe” question through their minds. Like it reminds me of big mouth and the season the shame wizard comes to town. Obviously you shouldn’t live your entire life in shame, but a little bit if it IS good. It’s what stops you from harassing people all in the name of stanning. It stops you from walking your partner outside in public in a leash. If stops you from making these things so un-fun for casual fans that they just turn away from it instead of indulging more.

And that last point is the biggest thing. This rapid behavior turns people AWAY from kpop. Some people might listen to a blackpink song and like it. Some people might see Twice perform on the Kelly Clarkson show or where ever and want to check them out. Some people may see someone share a dance cover if a llesserafim song and want to check out the original music video. But you make people disinterested when they can’t even add comments without fear of getting harassed and attack. Fans like this don’t make kpop fans look good; they make them look cringe and most people won’t engage with something that feels and looks cringe. They just wont. They’ll write it off as kid shit the 12 year olds will get over and then they’ll ignore it and move on. This current hallyu wave won’t matter in the long run for kpop (and other Asian) artists being able to make it in the west if we cant even criticize them without insane amounts of harassment afterwards.

[kustas]

now its YOUR TURN to do top 5 characters! >:)

I'll do the same way I asked you: regardless of source material, including a small summary of the character and why I like them so much :}

1 - From the Inkheart book series, Dustfinger! I read those books as a kid and he's the first fictional character I remember liking in a significant way. He represents a blueprint of sorts for most of my favorite characters since then, or at the least my personal originator of a bunch of tropes I love. His character is a wandering minstrel type with a borderline supernatural ability at juggling with fire. He's "cool" but rather unfriendly and sometimes straight up unpleasant, very focused on self preservation to the point of selfishness and cowardice, partially due to a rough and penniless upbringing but partially due to his personality. While he does have a family and other loved ones he's not very openly affectionate. I can't tell exactly what I like about him, he's a complex character who feels very human and who has a lot of character traits I adore. Having reread the series as an adult, I especially appreciated him being (at least in the first book) in a grey area of neither anta- or protagonist. He's just out there with his own agenda and a lot of personality, some of which isn't pleasant, but who sure is interesting

2 - The Mike himself... putting him as number two even if he's number one (badum tss). He's very hard to talk about because so much of his appeal is presented in the series as show don't tell actions of slightly cryptic nature. His character is an artificially created man meant to be a soldier and ideal peacekeeper. He's kind, clever, beautiful and supernaturally charismatic, and because of how he was engineered, earnestly dedicates his life to peace and love on planet earth. Part of his charisma comes from empathy so unnaturally deep he's able to feel what others are thinking and influence them by being around. This all makes him an uncanny and absolutely terrifying antagonist, one with ambitions for the whole planet as well as what you could describe as the best intentions. Why I like him so much is because he's so strange and compelling. Tragic and horrifying figure and a character concept I've never seen anywhere else yet executed so well

3 - After completing HxH more than once I realized that Ging Freeccs embodied every trope I like at once while also sharing a weird amount of similarities with my own self and it was over. His character is an extremely talented man who lives by his passions alone and who pulls off extreme individualism by just being that good at what he needs to live like that. Fascinating and infuriating at once. He loves a lot of different things in life and will throw away anything in the way of him not pursuing his passion of the moment, while also being weirdly selfless when it comes to doing what he wants to do. Also both a very strong personality and charismatic figure & with crippling social anxiety which is a hilarious combination. I like him because he has a lot of character traits I like, is very intriguing, and a total mad cunt

4&5 - I am not separating Black and White ever so I'll be describing them in alphabetical order and not rating one above the other... Both: two-people gang of orphaned street kids with no known background who reign over their little turf by the laws of the jungle, brothers by choice and not by blood, surfing like never before the line between soulmates and codependency. Black: more reserved and selfish, critically low emotional intelligence; he's stuck between the unaware pain of repressing his feelings and refusing to show any vulnerability & hyperviolent tendencies due to genuine prepubescent bloodlust. Very mentally ill miserable little man gaslighting himself into thinking he's the best because they're all afraid of him. White: curious and full of empathy, he's rather clever and much more friendly than his brother. Struggles with learning and focus among other things due to undisclosed mental disability. Pathological daydreamer with unpredictable and usually scary moments of clairvoyance. Why I like them so much: they're such flawed yet touching characters, their struggles are realistic and so is the way they act about, while still embodying the surreal whimsy of childhood. Real bittersweet to see their story unfold where they're going through it due to unchangeable circumstances. White's little monologue about how both of them were born broken but have the screws the other one lacks was the first thing that glued me heart and soul to their source material

#ask

[thatnarcissisticfeel]

hi! so i don’t rlly know how to even phrase this but lately i’ve had a lot of stuff getting worse, none of the “basic” diagnoses i have (like depression and anxiety and stuff) describes it at all. so i’ve started questioning if i maybe have a personality disorder bc it’d all make sense, both the behaviors and how i see the world and why its only getting worse and more noticeable now etc.

i keep finding myself in cluster B PD traits and lately ive been reading more on NPD and i genuinely completely see myself in the description of the covert subtype. i always blame others for everything and am completely unable of accepting or feeling guilt. nothing is ever my fault, its always someone else doing something or provoking me or it’s the way i was raised or it’s because of the system etc. i’m deeply insecure but hate showing any kind of vulnerability. when i’m in a vulnerable position i get ashamed and angry bc i cant stand feeling weak. i often get so angry i do shit that could easily destroy all the relationships i have. i never apologize (unless it’s a situation where i have to in order to save the relationship but still never actually feel sorry) bc that’s showing vulnerability and admitting i’m wrong. i always compare myself with others, i used to think this doesnt apply to me bc i generally don’t care about typical things such as popularity and status as i’ve always been an outcast - and it’s kind of a major part of my identity that i feel different than everyone else (even though its most likely just how i was forced to learn to cope with being excluded), but i’ve come to realize i absolutely do always see myself as “the worst one” in terms of mental health. i can’t stand others talking about their issues bc no you don’t even have it that bad at all, i’m worse. i feel like no one will ever be able to truly understand me bc the majority of people are npcs anyway. no one thinks for themselves, they dont have any self awareness and just do what they’re told. i treat others like shit but still expect them to be nice to me because i deserve it because i’m sick. i deserve more attention from doctors because of how unwell i feel. i should be the one that gets treated first. i obviously never voice these feelings but it makes me so pissed off when i have to wait like i’m never important enough for anyone. like there was this one case when i had to wait longer for my appointment bc some girl came in due to an emergency and all i felt was angry and annoyed and like when is it my turn to get taken seriously?? i completely lack affective empathy and very rarely genuinely care about others. others being sad annoys me and others being happy makes me angry, sometimes even to the point of having homicidal thoughts. i’m envious of pretty much everyone who i consider better off than me. and again i dont mean shit like money or clothes but more like just the ability to be normal, having close friends, being in a relationship, all that stuff i know i’ll never be able to have bc of my mental illnesses. i’ve never been able to form genuine relationships, i do have a few friends but they all mean nothing to me and are just there so i’m not lonely. i’ve never been able to feel love or affection for anyone. and when i think abt it i dont even really want to be like them, i just want to make them suffer. i lie to everyone and only reveal my “true” self when im having a breakdown and basically cant control myself anymore as i have so much suppressed anger inside i sometimes feel like i have to genuinely put effort into stopping myself from physically attacking others; who cares abt words when im that far gone. and even then i later turn it around and make it seem like im just depressed and stuff (which is true, but theres also so much more no one knows about). everyone around me considers me a shy meek polite nice caring person and it just feels so ironic.

idk what to do at this point, genuinely. writing it all down like this makes me sound so fucked up even though i act relatively normal when i’m stable enough. but in reality i feel like on the inside i’m just breaking, i’ve had to turn to drug abuse as its literally the only thing that helps me cope with everything & prevent me from being even more destructive (towards both others and myself) and its making me even more short tempered when im sober and even more paranoid someone’s going to find out and get me in trouble. my therapist knows about it but doesnt do shit. ive been on so many psych meds before but its as if literally nothing ever works on me. like i would never normally seek advice on tumblr out of all places but i thought just maybe i would get understood here as i keep getting just either ignored or insulted on places like reddit (sure jan calling me a psycho is definitely going to help my issues when all i did was fucking ask how to cope with my issues).

sorry abt the wall of text. do you have any advice? ive been going to therapy for years but its all useless. i cant be honest with anyone for pretty obvious reasons. i just really dont feel like living for much longer. but even just acknowledging this ask and not judging me would mean a lot.

I obviously can’t diagnose you, but I will say a LOT of what you said is behaviors that and I other NPDs do, which makes me think that even if you don’t have it, advice and such that is geared towards pwNPD could help you. Unfortunately there isn’t much self-help geared towards pwNPD (I say self-help bc clearly your therapist is not a good therapist for you and I know it would probably be difficult to get a new one), but DBT workbooks are a good place to start. I think they’re technically geared more towards BPD, but they can definitely still help narcissists. Stuff like this is why I hate how much NPD is stigmatized, because we all DO deserve help and we all DON’T deserve to feel like this.

It sounds pretty basic, but are you a part of anything like online NPD/cluster B support groups, ie discord servers? Obviously they’re not a cure-all, but even just being around people who have the same thing and who you don’t have to mask around can help. If you don’t have any I could happily provide some if I can find a public one. Of course, communities like that can be a hit or miss, but it’s definitely at least worth a shot to try to find a group of people who are struggling with the same thing.

Another piece of advice, which might sound completely neurotypical on the surface, is to start journaling or writing down feelings. It might seem like just a small thing but having a place that only you can access where you can talk about things like vulnerability could be a good starting point, because at least you’re admitting it to yourself and getting it out there in some way. Lying to everyone and not being able to show your true self is really exhausting, so having one space that’s yours and yours only where you can learn to be comfortable with being vulnerable — even if it’s just to yourself — is a tiny thing that can work wonders. It doesn’t have to be some super dramatic “dear diary, woe is me” type thing, it can be something as simple as “Today I fucked up, and I know I fucked up, but I still blame xyz, I hate xyz.” That way you’re getting the vulnerable thoughts AND the angry thoughts out there without 1.) hurting others with the angry thoughts or 2.) having to show vulnerabity which would hurt you.

Of course the end goal might be to “unlearn” the behaviors, so to speak, but that can’t be done overnight, and until it is done, it’s better to have a few places to be open, even if it’s just amongst yourself or other pwNPD.

I hope this helped, lmk if you need more advice — and definitely know that you’re not alone, as cheesy as it sounds.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

unsanitary

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i think i have hit a point where my mental state is bad enough that i don't even have the energy to wash off menstruation blood that drenches my underwear lmao. it's been almost 24 hours and all i did was lie down, not caring about the mess down there. this is a new low for me. i thought not bathing for a week was bad enough, so i didn't expect my exhaustion to reach an even lower point.

damn. i have no official diagnoses (because the one time i tried to seek help, i chickened out from admitting my struggles, since a lot of them manifested in hygiene issues. mainstream mental illness acceptance only acknowledges crying in the dark (which isn't exactly accepted either, i'm well aware. i have that as a symptoms myself. i know the acceptance is mostly performative). but people don't even want to those with hygiene issues even performatively, so yeah.), so i honestly doubt myself a lot and think that what i'm experiencing is just normal human experience. but i don't think the average human would stand having menstruation blood for almost a day and would do their best to overcome their disgust, so yeah. then again, i have never been the most sanitary person (i really struggle a lot with hygiene since i was a kid, so maybe i just developed extreme tolerance towards stuff like this), so i'm not surprised that even this isn't enough to kickstart my motivation and energy to shower.

honestly, it's funny. one blessing in this situation is that i feel zero internalized shame. it is what it is, grossness doesn't diminish my worth as a human being. it just is. but i do fear judgment from others, so i always keep this part of my self secret, even to mental health professionals. and sometimes i also think, if hygiene issue was such a normal part of my life, does it even count as a proof that i'm struggling? as in, if a math genius suddenly struggles with it, there's probably something wrong with them. however, if they've always been bad at math, then them not being able to answer a math question probably doesn't indicate anything serious... maybe? something like this, but with me and hygiene issues.

i don't know what i even want about this ask. i just wanted to let it out, i guess? i have a lot of stuff that i desperately want to let out and vent about, but this one is one of the things i genuinely can't see anyone receiving well without judging me, so i might as well let it out anonymously

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been going through.

It can definitely be hard to admit your struggles, especially when there's a worry someone may find it shameful or gross, even though you have nothing to feel ashamed about. What you're experiencing is real and valid.

Please know you're not alone. Hygiene has also been a big issue for me due to depression, and I agree that this subject should be alongside societal discussions about depression.

I think it's good that you don't feel any internalized shame about this, because you don't have to, nor would it be productive. You're right that this doesn't diminish your worth as a human being. That being said, your fears of judgment are valid and common. When I took Intro to Counseling last semester, the professor asked by a show of hands how many people were afraid of being judged, and everyone raised their hands. What might be helpful to ask yourself is, what is it about being judged that you might be afraid of? Because someone judging you for this doesn't mean they're necessarily right to do so, or that you should feel ashamed about what you're going through. You may find helpful this article on REBT's concept of irrational ideas, particularly the bullet points for the first one.

I hope things have gotten better since you wrote in. Feel free to let us know how things have been going.

If anyone else has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks