nobody else but you
This is incredibly niche and self indulgent, but sometimes that's just what you have to write for yourself. This is a Steddie + Buckingham rewrite of the final scene from Some Like It Hot, because while this movie is very near and dear to me, the last line gives me the ick! So we're fixing that.
Much love to Read and Bee for looking this over and giving me some excellent feedback <3
Eddie and Robin scramble across the beach, both still wearing the performance dresses and Eddie doing his best to keep the wig on his head as they make their way to the pier.
Steve is waiting for them and he looks over as they approach, his bright smile upon seeing them creating a flurry of butterflies in Eddie’s stomach. He drags Robin over, down the steps and across the planking to where the other man is waiting.
“Steve!" he calls, his voice slipping into a higher tone to keep up his illusion of femininity. "This is my good friend, Robin! She’s going to be a bridesmaid.”
To his credit, Steve just smiles at Robin and barely gives her a “Pleased to meet you,” before Eddie is grabbing him and dragging him down to the speedboat. Steve just grins and throws a look over his shoulder at Robin. “She’s so eager!”
They’re just climbing into the boat when a noise pulls their attention. The trio turn to see Chrissy biking down the stairs, honking the attached horn as she gets closer. Eddie and Steve settle into the front seat as Chrissy hops off the bike, leaving it where it lay as she rushes over.
“Wait! Wait for Chrissy!”
Steve looks at Eddie as he starts the boat, says “Another bridesmaid?”
“Flower girl!” Eddie replies, and Robin stands as Chrissy gets closer, taking one of her hands to help her balance as she climbs into the back seat.
“Chrissy! What do you think you’re doing?”
“I told you: I'm not very bright.”
How sweet. Eddie reaches over and smacks Steve’s shoulder with a “Let’s go!” and starts to relax as they pull away from the pier.
“You don’t want me, Chrissy,” Robin says as she undoes the top of dress, revealing the masculine clothes she hadn’t had time to change out of, clothes that Chrissy surely recognizes from her supposedly male suitor. “I’m a liar and a phony, a trumpet player, one of those no-goodniks you’ve been running away from!”
“I know,” Chrissy replies, the smile never leaving her face. “Every time!”
“Chrissy, do yourself a favor: go back where the millionaires are, the sweet end of the lollipop. Not the cole slaw in the face and the old socks and the squeezed-out tube of toothpaste-”
The singer just giggles as she winds her arms around Robin’s neck, pulling her closer. “That's right, pour it on. Talk me out of it.”
Robin melts as Chrissy kisses her, can’t help but to wrap her arms around the smaller girl and pull her close. Eddie turns back to the front, knowing that isn’t something he should be seeing, that gentle intimacy between the two girls. He catches Steve’s eye and the man smiles at him.
“I called Mother. She was so happy she cried. She wants you to have her wedding gown, it's white lace.”
Oh this is- This is not going to be fun. Eddie takes a breath and steels himself for the conversation ahead. “Steve, I can’t get married in your mother’s dress. She and I- We’re not built the same way.”
Steve shrugs. “We can have it altered.”
Fuck.
“Oh, no you don't! Look, Steve, I'm going to level with you. We can't get married at all.”
The other man frowns at that, and pulls his eyes away from the water to look at Eddie. “Why not?”
“Well, to begin with, I'm not a natural blonde,” Eddie says as he brushes at the bangs of his wig.
Steve just huffs a laugh and shakes his head. “It doesn't matter.”
“I smoke! I smoke all the time.”
“I don't care.”
“I have a terrible past. For three years now, I've been living with a trumpet player.”
“I forgive you.”
What the fuck! Eddie feels desperate now, and he lets his eyes mist up as he looks into the middle distance. “I can never have children.”
Steve, who had clearly mentioned something about six children while they’d been dancing until sunrise, just smiles. “We can adopt some.”
Well shit. Eddie is out of cards to play, and knows the only thing he has left is the ace up his sleeve. “But you don't understand! Oh-” He reaches up and tears off the blonde wig, revealing his short, curly brown hair, and lowers his voice to its natural tone as he says “I’m a man.”
He certainly isn’t expecting Steve to smile, to give him a gentle, sincere "Okay."
What? He- Huh?
“Okay? That's it? Just okay?”
“Yeah? We spent hours dancing together the other night, you think I wouldn’t notice that something was different about you?”
Oh. “But- But what if I never said anything? You were just going to accept me as a girl with a guy’s body or something?”
Steve looks at him, all soft and gooey as he reaches over to take Eddie’s hand. “Babydoll, I fell in love with your personality. You’re a fucking firecracker, and anything else is just the cherry on the sundae. If you say you’re a girl, then you’re a girl, and I was a hundred percent ready to accept that. You being a man doesn’t change how I feel about you.”
Oh god, Steve really is the sweetest guy, isn't he? Eddie thinks about the night they spent together, the hours of dancing and talking and the way they seem to fit together like two perfect little puzzle pieces. He thinks about Steve, and makes a decision.
“I mean, I’m definitely a man. But I- I don’t mind wearing dresses, and I wouldn’t mind posing as your wife, in public. Especially if it would get me Mother’s approval.”
The beaming smile Steve gives him is enough to calm any anxiety he has about the future, and he laces their fingers together. “You don't have to do that. I’m sure she would love you regardless, honey.”
“Eddie. My name is Eddie.”
Steve’s smile doesn’t fade as he looks over again with a soft “Eddie,” and Eddie really doesn’t know how it’s possible to fall for someone this hard this fast, but he wouldn’t trade it for a single fucking thing.
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after careful consideration, here is my official npmd song ranking + commentary
(VERY subject to change bc i actually love them all and i am so indecisive)
1. Nerdy Prudes Must Die
title song at first woah !! will branner and jon mattesons vocals are literally insane is this song. "IIIIIIM NOT A LOSER" forever engraved into my brain.
2. Hatchet Town
SUCH A BANGER. everything about this song is the perfect group number. it just flows soooo well and the harmony is so crisp. the bridge bit is not my fav but all the vocals and everything is just so good. also im a sucker for "all the characters are blaming eachother" songs 😵😵
3. Cool as I Think I Am (Reprise)
they are so sad and in love i love them sm. the harmony is so scrumptious and their voices blend so well. also i just love reprises. "You're not as cool as you think you are" "But you're as smart as I know you are" SHUT UP THEY ARE SO SPECIAL TO ME
4. Literal Monster
Apex Predator but better.
(no but fr didn't expect my ranking for this to be so high but it's just so good. highlights all the nerd characters and such a good chorus. the end section with max's "You wont defeat my kiiiiiind, A predator of my siiiiiize" + "You can watch as I riiiiiiise, I WILL CLAIM WHAT IS MINE" i think is what pushed this up so far those lines are just SO good)
5. The Summoning
mmmm everything about this song just sounds so yummy. the actual summoning bit in the beginning is actually so good with the singing over the chanting and whispering. all the lords in black literally ATE with this song and the like background ensemble vocals add so much. i think the only reason this wasn't higher than literal monster is that for some reason i literally CANT when a song has large chunks of dialogue in the middle of it. pokey being called a nasty boy stops me in my tracks every time i listen 💀. but the overall song absolutely makes up for the dialogue for me !!
6. Dirty Dudes Must Die
all the pervs literally running: 🏃🏃🏃
i mean i said i loved a reprise (kinda) ! angela girratana is just so good guys i love her sm. her voice is just so specific and it works SO well for this song. not only that but the last 30 secs of this song is just SO good. the ensemble bit with the "if i can finally be cool i will know that i'm not a loser" under grace’s "who will pray for you-" AND THEN RIGHT AFTER THAT COMING IN WITH THE "Darkness will spare my soulllll." i actually audibly gasped when watching this for the first time.
7. Cool as I Think I Am
everything about this song is just so endearing. joey richter just embodied this role so well. the little "Oh-woah-oh-woah-oh oh" love it sm. again another one of the bangers with the last little bit of soloist singing over the ensemble line, so good.
8. Bully the Bully
HEAR ME THE FUCK OUT OKAY. I LOVE THIS SONG. LIKE I LOVE IT. ITS SO CATCHY. ITS SILLY. THE HARMONIES ARE SO GOOD. I LOVE THE FIVE OF THEM SO MUCH. BUT. i physically cringe any time the "cool beans" bit happens. "bean school? excellent!" i cant. please. 😭😭
no but overall it's so catchy and without that little bit i think it would've been up at like 5 or 6. everyone has their little part and it's such a good song. also kinda a jumpscare when they talk about cutting off his nips and him shitting his pants but yk whatever
9. High School Is Killing Me
THIS IS HOW YOU DO A OPENING NUMBER. hopping right in with the "IM DEEEEEAD" its just so good. everyones voices just blend so well in this song and the chorus is SO PERFECT. again, the whole dialogue thing is not it for me. plus the whole problematic puppy twitter feed bit was not my fav. i think if it was just the first minute and a half of this song it would've been higher than cool as i think i am.
10. Dirty Girl
ok. where tf do i start. the vocals for this song are INCREDIBLE and angela and will's voices both have this like powerful belt with a little grit that complement each other SO well. and omg the "I'm-a, I'm-a, I'm a good girl" its just so perfect. BUT. listening this song is just like so uncomfortable 💀💀. after i hear "daddy needs a little of that dirty soup" i cannot move throughout my day normally please stop.
11. Just for Once
i actually feel so bad for putting this song so low because lauren lopez's vocals are SO incredible. its just not as catchy as the top ten and ruth's voice is a little too nasaly for me. this song would actually be a really good audition song methinks
12. Bury the Bully
ik some people really love this song and ik i just said i love the reprises (and upon first listen this song was like top 6.) but ! idk after obsessively relistening its just not up there for me. theres nothing bad about the song but in the words of pete "This is a lot." also when grace says "GIVE THOSE TO ME" at the very end of the song WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE REFERRING TO???
13. If I Loved You
I love this song it's so good it just doesn't compare to the reprise. mariah rose faith casillas actually ate up these vocals though.
14. The Best of You
giving disney channel original movies less popular-popular song (please tell me you understand what this means.) the band was really popping off with this one though.
15. Go Go Nighthawks!
chorus is good but overall not my fav, curt’s solo is sooooo good.
anyways i love npmd so much and please perceive my opinions tumblr !
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