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malarkgirlypop · 6 months

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MEDIC! Part 15 (Donald Malarkey x Fem!OC)

It's all I can see and I'm crying! A song for them.

Based on the HBO show and the actors who portray the characters, no hate to anyone involved.

Again I am so sorry.

Tag list: @next-autopsy

I am floating outside of my body. I help the men with their injuries like I am on autopilot. People talk to me but I don’t hear them, I don’t even try to pretend I am listening. I walk, I help, I sit.

I stare out into the town of Foy, the image of Skip and Penkala’s last moments replaying in my head like I am living in a nightmare. Like a sick magic trick, you see them and then you don’t. I stand and watch as the men scour their hole trying to find remnants of them. I physically hurt watching them. I watch Lip hand Malarkey, one of the boys' rosaries. We haven’t spoken, I think we have both shut down. I can’t be near him, it hurts too much all I can think about is them when I see him. I’m sure he feels the same way. Tears well in my eyes watching Lip and Malarkey by their foxhole, I turn away so no one sees them fall. I have adopted the stare that I have seen countless times before. I know why they do it now too, it feels good not to be present, to not have to come to terms with what you have seen. The weight of reality hasn’t yet crushed down on me. After losing Toye and Bill, then Buck and now Skip and Penkala. I loved those boys like my brothers. I walk away from the line. Away, I need to be away from here. I bump into someone as I hurry along, not looking to see who it is I carry on with my escape. Their grip holds me in place. I look up. Bull’s face appears in my vision. “You alright Darling?” Bull asks me in a kind voice.

“I’m fine.” I say firmly, pulling from his grip. He lets me go. I side step him, but he moves in front of me.

“What did you see?” He asks, not letting me pass. I look at him angry, I don’t want to have to say what I saw out loud, that would make it real.

“I didn’t see anything.” I snap.

“Don’t lie to me.” He says in a firm voice.

“I’m not lying!” I answer with frustration laced in my tone.

“I know you, Em! Don’t lie to me.” Bull says again.

“What?” I yell, “What do you want me to say that I saw it happen?” Throwing my arms out.

“I saw those men that I care for die right in front of me.” My voice is loud as it echoes through the trees.

“That I was so close to getting into their hole. You know they were calling for me.” My voice wobbles as I yell.

“I SAW THEM!” tears threatening to escape my eyes. “I saw them die!” Bull steps forward to hug me but I push him away. “NO! I don’t want this.”

“Why wasn’t it me? Why was it them?” I sob still yelling, other people have gathered around wondering why I am shouting.

“Why wasn’t I in that hole? I don’t belong here! They were good people and I had to watch them die!” I scream and sob at the same time.

“It won’t stop!” I cry harder, closing my eyes. I cover my face, willing the memory to escape my mind. I crack and it crushes me. My body shakes from my sobs as Bull pins me to his chest. He shushes me and he strokes my hair. I wrangle out of his grasp, he looks at me with pain etched onto his face. Then I run, no one stops me, no one yells my name. They watch me run.

After trampling through the woods for a while a stick catches on my foot tripping me sending me to the ground. I lie there and sob. Curling up into a ball and wishing to die. To not feel. My heart feels like it has been ripped from my body. My bones ache from missing them. They had families, lives, people to go back too, people waiting for them. I don't have anyone, I am nobody here. There is no Emily Lane that exists, the only place I am known is here. I can’t be sent home, I don’t have a home here. I sit up wiping my face. I can’t be sent home, so I won’t. I will act, I will do anything to get through this. My purpose, my family, is here. I will play myself well, I will not break. I can’t let this break me. The thought of being separated from these men scares me more than death. I would rather die than leave them. I stand my legs shaking from the cold. I slowly make my way back to camp, arriving by dusk. The men look shocked when I sit myself down beside them.

“Em? You’re ok?” Lieb asks me from across the foxhole we sit in. I slide my mask into place, giving my best smile.

“I’m fine, I just needed a minute.” I reply, my voice hoarse from crying.

“A minute? Emily you were gone for hours, we sent search parties out for you.” He says anxiously.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to worry you guys, I guess I lost track of time.” I apologise. The men are quiet not knowing what to say. Uncomfortable in the silence I stand, the men watch my every move. I go over to where they are serving dinner to grab some hot food. Bull sees me and comes over.

“Darlin’ you ok?” He asks as his cigar hangs from his lips.

“Yeah I’m fine. Hey I’m sorry for earlier, I was just a bit overwhelmed.” My lips tighten upward.

“A bit?” Bull doesn’t seem convinced.

“Ok, a lot. But I’m fine now. I had some time to think and I’m back, better than ever, even.” I lie.

“Emily you can go home, if this is all too much.” Bull says empathetically.

“No!” I say quickly, “No I don’t want to go home.”

“Em…”

“No Bull I’m fine, I can handle it. It was just a moment of weakness. I want to be here.” I protest.

“You have to take care of yourself.” Bull says as his brows furrow together.

“No, I want to see this through. I need to be here. Please Bull! I will take care of myself, I swear but I can do that here!” I plead with Bull, he shakes his head thinking.

“I don’t know Em?” I need to persuade him.

“What do I have to do, to show you I’m fine?” I hold eye contact with him. He sighs.

“Darlin’ I want you here, I do. I guess if you're set on not leaving, I can’t make you.” I smile, patting him on the arm. I move past to get myself some food.

I sit in a foxhole by myself. I stare off at nothing. I dissociate from my surroundings. The only thing I can feel is the chill in my bones. It helps stop the aching everywhere else. I can barely eat. My stomach churns constantly. The insides of my cheeks are torn to shreds. I find myself crying without even noticing. The tears grow cold on my cheeks from the biting wind. I just want to curl up into a little ball and disappear. I want to scream and shout but I can’t, that would send me back. I have to keep up the facade. Sure I am allowed to be sad but I can’t let it consume me, which it desperately wants to do. I’m sure it will be fine, pushing it all to the back, pretending it’s not there. Never hurt me before. I get out of my hole, wandering around finding people to talk to. To show I’m fine. The conversations are superficial, pleasantries. My tolerance is shorter than normal, the conversation gets overwhelming after a while. I make excuses to leave. I am more blunt, less playful. The men notice, but don’t say anything. I try my best to be myself, but it’s tiring.

The Battle of Foy happened not long after. I watched in dread as Dike fucked the whole operation. I watched through my hands as he stopped the men in the middle of the operation calling for them to fall back. When he got direct orders from Winters that the only thing they had to do was move forward. Winters almost ran out into action himself before Colonel Sink had ordered him back. The situation was finally controlled when Winters commanded Speir to take over the attack. He had done just that, it was actually impressive watching the man. He sprinted through the middle of town right past the German soldiers, who were so baffled by his brassiness, they didn’t even shoot him. He got the job done. Unfortunately there were still casualties, among those was CO Norman Dike, who had died. It was good to have a distraction, I busied myself in the help. Cleaning up wounds, suturing, and dressing. That’s all that I was thinking about, nothing else. We had finally taken Foy, I was relieved.

The grief still hung heavy over me, but by now I wasn’t sad, I had moved on from that stage. I was angry. Every time I thought of Skip and Alex my blood boiled. My mind swirled. Those men did not deserve to die. How dare their lives be taken so soon. The men noticed quickly. I would snap, my temper short. I didn’t have time for jokes or banter. I would sit and fester in hatred. I was tense and on edge. The men of easy company pulled back from me. Too scared I would lash out with nasty words, “Better to leave her alone with her thoughts than go talk to her.” I heard Bull tell Frank. They avoided me more than they avoided the replacements. I didn’t blame them, hell I was happy to be left alone, consumed in my own thoughts. I couldn’t sleep half the time either, my dreams now nightmares haunted me. I would be stuck in a loop of lying in the snow in front of their foxhole. I would scream at them to run, to get out, but they didn’t listen, staying put in their shelter. I would have to watch them die, over and over. It made me sick. I would wake up in a cold sweat, panting. After a while I stopped sleeping. It was more tiring to try and sleep than it was to stay awake. But being alone with my thoughts 24/7 was slowly driving me to the point of madness. The bags under my eyes were black, it looked like I had broken my nose. I was being clumsy, dropping things, making stupid mistakes which just made me angrier. It was getting out of hand, but I didn’t know what to do. I was not going to ask for help, that would be cause enough to send me packing. But at this stage I couldn’t help myself, it was a vicious cycle.

I trudge behind the platoon as we move from Foy to the town of Noville. I was told to hang back in case we came across the enemy. I walk silently by myself, once again in my head thinking far too much to do me any good. The distance is obvious now between the men and I. None of them come to talk to me, scared I will growl at them. A resting bitch face is now my permanent feature. My rage quietly boiling in my blood. I have a hold on her now but I’m scared that she will come free from my grasp and rear her ugly head. My bottom lip is raw from my teeth finding satisfaction in feeling the sting and the metal taste in my mouth. The sound of gunfire pierces the air sending men scattering to find cover, some don’t make it falling to ground unmoving. I move quickly hurrying behind one of the small houses to the side of the road. I crouch behind the wall listening to the screams of the men and the constant cracking of the guns. I place my hand on the pistol on my hip, my eyes scanning the area. They fall upon a dead German soldier, his semi-automatic lying across his body. I flick my eyes back to where the assault takes place listening for any sounds of movement. I hear running footsteps coming towards me from the side of the house, my hand gripping my weapon. One of our own soldiers rounds the corner, my hand relaxes, as an ease returns to my chest. The man smiles at me knowing we are on the same side, he opens his mouth to talk. Before he can speak a crack sounds as the bullet travels through the man's helmet into his head and out the other side. His blood splattering over my face and chest as he drops to the ground. I close my eyes drawing in a shaky breath, opening them to find his staring back at me unblinking. My eyes dart back over to the German soldier lying on the ground. She’s got herself loose.

#Wow I am so sorry guys #its gonna be tough #oh no the next chapter is oh dear god #it's bad #and sad #and it hurts #I will pay for all of your therapy I swear #band of brothers #band of brothers fanfic #donald malarkey #hbo war #fanfic #joe toye #bill guarnere #dick winters

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camels-pen · 3 months

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the difference between zosopp and sanuso (romantic OR platonic) is that Usopp is Zoro's specialest little guy and Zoro is someone Usopp hangs out with and looks up to and hides behind when things get scary, but Sanji and Usopp are best friends. They horse around, they beat each other up, they confide their worst fears trying to one up each other. Usopp hides behind Sanji sometimes, sure, but idk, Sanji's weaknesses are more obvious (bugs, fighting women, etc) so there are times when Usopp has to stand in front of Sanji too, yknow?

Like, how do I say this, all the crewmates are equal- Usopp and Zoro are equals- but with Sanji it feels like more... comradery? Zoro's a rock in a terrible storm- even rocks tend to get weathered and chipped and worn down, but they overall stay strong and steady. He has trouble being vulnerable and there are times when the burden he's placed on himself to keep the crew safe is crushing his chest. Usopp would help with that and be very understanding, but the point I'm trying to get with that is that those moments are few and far between. So I feel like Usopp, especially after Water 7, would take Zoro's lead on something like that, and keep most of his worries to himself or only talk about them sparingly unless they're really bad and/or he can't hide them.

Sanji is like a tree in a storm; he can be strong, yes, but it feels like he bends and sways with the storm, and has more obvious breaking points. He can relate more to Usopp's struggles rather than resorting to blunt honesty that might border on callous like Zoro. And while, with Zosopp, I tend to think of scenarios with Zoro being blunt like that as a good thing- because sometimes when you're spiraling, it's nice to have someone say exactly what's great about you and shoot down all your worries with straight facts that you can't argue with- I can also see this as being a bad thing. Anxiety can really twist up your brain sometimes, you know? And despite the words, the tone could still mess someone up if they're already feeling like a burden on others in some way.

With Sanuso it's a lot more understanding and thoughtful words. It's distractions and comfort food and patience- the kind reserved for Usopp- until Usopp talks about whatever's troubling him. Compared to Zosopp, it doesn't take as long for Usopp to open up, since he's done the same thing to Sanji at times and it's more familiar to him to talk and commiserate with Sanji about his worries and doubts and such. However, there are times stuff like this has absolutely no effect and Sanji will end up at a loss, no idea what to do or how to help over the course of several days with Usopp being quiet and keeping his distance, and he'll end up working himself up about it which will only serve to make Usopp feel worse and. yeah. bit of a vicious cycle with them.

So it's like. Usopp can be weak with both of them, but since I see Sanji as the type of guy who'd be more open with his worries (at least compared to Zoro), there's less of a need to 'perform' and be his best self around him. He's comfortable around Zoro, yes, but he is constantly wanting to show that he won't be a problem to him. On the other hand, while he's more open with Sanji, and Sanji with him, they tend to relate a bit too much with each other and they both have issues with causing trouble for others and being 'deserving of love' so failed attempts at consoling one hurts the other and creates an unpleasant cycle of misery and avoidance before some other crewmate (Zoro) tells them to quit being stupid and just fucking talk to each other.

#one piece #sanuso #zosopp #long post #nemotime #does this make sense or is this the ramblings of a person who's only got 3 hrs sleep #bc thats me. 3 hrs sleep. ugh #listen okay its like. zosopp has their own growing pains to get through yknow? zoro will eventually get the whole #'oh usopp isnt as open with me bc he wants to seem tough and is also kind of doing the same thing i do. thats bad for him'#and it'll be a whole thing about making a promise between the two of them to try and be more honest with their fears and seeking help #when they need it #the sanuso thing is like. i hope i didnt mean to make it seem like sanuso is 'better' or w/e bc its just a different thing #sanuso got their own problems to sort out. 1. Sanji's everything 2. boundaries on special treatment-#i'm not gonna go seriously into this but both relationships start out not the best and get better over time yknow #also i know usopp's afraid and freaking out a lot but for this post i meant his deeper fears and insecurities #not 'i've got can't-go-on-this-island disease' lmao #the tl;dr of this post is: Usopp is more closed off with Zosopp. Usopp and Sanji have similar issues that cause problems with Sanuso.#also the way i see these ships will probably change at some point. who knows #there was a post i saw recently that was like 'hey sanuso bc romance trio were already chill with each other so sanuso became chill with #each other in an 'alone together' type of way and also they have the same issues' and i thought 'wow so true bestie' and here we are #also. man. usopp taking on / copying the behaviours of his loved ones regardless of his age is just. my jam. in a positive or negative way #maybe i'll make a post about that explaining it more. maybe

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