#it's not even like an ''I could fix him'' thing if he wasn’t so fundamentally awful i might actually be normal about him

[mansplainmanipulatemalewife]

Why is no one paying attention to me I'm being insane about julian and need validation

#WHY ARE ALL MY GROUP CHATS DEAD YALL ARE AMERICANS I KNOW IT’S DAYTIME #julian fawcett #bbc ghosts #I'm so normal about him (|<- guy who got psychosexually obsessed with the worst character ever despite having zero actual attraction to him) #... I have the WORST taste in men #it's not even like an ''I could fix him'' thing if he wasn’t so fundamentally awful i might actually be normal about him

[kybelles]

so after a recent conversation with my friends we’ve come to a realization: fandom loves Slave Rights Advocate laurent trope. whether it be an arranged marriage au, a time travel au, an auguste lives au or any kind of setting where slavery is still in motion; it’s always laurent who opens damen’s eyes to the horrors of slavery and insists they can’t be with each other until slavery is abolished, that slavery is a deal breaker on whether they can be together or not. now i certainly don’t want to sound like i’m policing anybody’s creative choices but it’s become such a common trope in the fandom that it is baffling at this point because. here’s the thing. slavery isn’t one of laurent’s battles. at all.

allow me to explain further before i make people angry. it’s clear laurent is against the fundamental premise of slavery and finds it inhumane. but through the series (counting out taofc where he and damen are trying to build an empire together), he doesn’t actively fight or challenge the system or slavery. i don’t even think this is a hot take when you remember that he;

i. didn’t protect the akielon slaves in arles until damen begged him to and sold them to torveld for personal gain (which was the best course of action he could take under the circumstances but as i said, he wasn’t above using them)

ii. referred to damen as his slave constantly in both a technical and romantic sense

iii. got turned on by playing master and slave and master and pet

iv. used isander as a way to get back at damen: was fed by isander in the feast, stroked him, allowed him to kiss his feet and boots etc.

in fact here are plenty of instances where it’s clear laurent enjoyed the type of power he had over damen:

and here’s the only part where i can remember damen and laurent discussing slavery after damen’s identity is revealed and they have the possibility of a future together. as you can see, laurent’s attitude towards it is pretty neutral. he doesn’t approve, but it’s clear he’s not a passionate champion of the anti slavery movement.

let me make it clear that none of this is a criticism towards laurent. it’s important to remember that capri started as a slavekink fic (in pacat’s own words) and though it evolved, by the final draft she still kept some of those elements: like making the first night between lamen a romantic, sacred, precious thing between them; laurent telling damen he’s his slave by feeding him as a slave would, damen calling himself laurent’s slave as a sign of submission/love/romance before their first kiss, laurent saying damen is still his slave before sleeping with him… the narrative still eroticizes slavery to some extent and uses it as a vehicle of romance.

the thing is, laurent finding enjoyment in these practices is not the problem. when the fandom loves to pretend like laurent would be so disgusted by the idea of slavery (even though the text repeatedly shows he’s not) , that he; a perfect civilized blonde veretian angel would come to akielos and educate those barbarians about how horrible slavery is and damen would only open his eyes to the truth through laurent’s guidance, that’s when my issues start. because, like i said, this was never laurent’s battle and it pretty much reads like laurent is some sort of white savior, someone who comes to damen’s country to “fix” the problems of akielos without understanding their history, needs, or the region’s current state of affairs.

another very important thing to underline is that the whole slavery ordeal in the series was damen’s character arc, not laurent’s. he’s the actual slave in the scenario, and as much as laurent doesn’t like slavery, damen didn’t come to the conclusion that it was bad because of laurent’s preachings. it leaves a bad taste in the mouth that damen was the one who actually experienced slavery and faced countless humiliations in vere and yet people still insist on making laurent educate damen about why it’s wrong, even though he himself has never experienced slavery in his life. (one might argue in aus where damen was never sent to vere as a slave he wouldn’t come to the same realizations but that still doesn’t mean laurent would have a passionate agenda regarding slaves. at best i believe he would demand damen to stop sleeping with his slaves as they are monogamous.)

choosing laurent as The One who firmly stands against slavery is bad from a narrative pov too. making this specifically about laurent makes no sense because it's got nothing to do with him. it's not his country! he doesn't care about akielos the way damen does. everything about it thematically relates back to damen; who exists as a metaphor for akielos - any insult or injury done to him is an insult to akielos. he embodies it’s values and it’s people, and by becoming a slave he’s reflecting the current slave state of akielos, and through finding liberation for himself he’s also finding liberation for akielos. it’s a powerful symbolism for how akielos is changed and freed directly BECAUSE of his own personal liberation. laurent has nothing more than an intellectual interest in anti-slavery and he only ever begins to care about akielos because he cares for damen. but damen was raised with it and experienced it and cares very deeply about it. it’s his country! it's his story!

tldr; through the series, it was damen’s journey to experience what it was like to be a slave, to see the true horrors of this practice and decide he doesn’t want to rule his country that way anymore. so taking his agency and giving it laurent, someone who was neutral at best about slavery, feels incredibly insensitive and wrong.

#💬 #meta #? #captive prince #like what is with this obsession on making laurent the perfect activist who’s always on top of current events #and damen the dumb ignorant jock who’s clueless about life #why is this such a common theme :) #also a reminder that i’m not targeting anyone specificaly!! this is a common trope and i just wanted to rant #shout out to my amazing girlies for helping me write this post ily angels

[isan0rt]

I don’t really feel like the text of FE3H actually supports a reading of Edelgard having Slither-experiment-induced amnesia as a reason why she doesn’t 'remember’ Dimitri, rather it seems to me that it’s because Dimitri is just not recognizable as ‘Dee’ to Edelgard in the way Edelgard is as ‘El’ to Dimitri, for one very pivotal reason.

Dimitri lives his life looking backwards. Edelgard only ever looks forwards.

And of course they do! For Dimitri, his life is very neatly divided into two sections; Before and After Duscur. He had a happy life up until that point, with what felt to him like a complete family that was involved with him; even if he didn’t remember his birth mother, he had always had Patricia. He had close friends and was very sheltered; ‘El’ was someone new and interesting in a life that was pretty stable up until that point. She stood out for that reason, and also because it wasn’t long after she left that the Tragedy occurred. Dimitri seems to have fixated on the time when she was present in his life as ‘The good times, before everything changed.’ He thinks about that time often, idealizing it as a time he wishes desperately that he could return to. He’s also clearly aware of Arundel’s relationship to him, so he already knows that Edelgard is El, and has known that for a long time before they meet again.

But Edelgard’s life before she met Dimitri as a child was already not that great! Even as a child, she wasn’t insulated from the tense social climate in Adrestia like Dimitri was in Faerghus. It’s unclear if she even remembers having a mother (beyond just knowing facts about her), given how young Dimitri was when Anselma became Patricia, and her father doesn’t seem to have been very involved in her life. She has something like a dozen siblings, but they all start disappearing when she’s very young. For her, Faerghus is just a brief bright point in an unhappy life, and Edelgard as a person doesn’t take comfort from thinking about the past. For her, in her cell in the dark with the rats, thinking of better times that are gone is only salt in the wound. She can’t go back to that time, so she intentionally doesn’t think about it. She doesn’t bother looking into who the boy she knew in Faerghus was. She has more important things to do.

It’s not that she’s forgotten altogether, or that she doesn’t value that time; if you meet Edelgard at the tower on the night of the ball she mentions Dee (not by name, but it’s clear who she means). She also hangs on to the dagger that he gave her for the whole story regardless of route. But what she took away from that was not a memory of an idyllic time when she was happy, like Dimitri did. She took away the advice to use the dagger to carve a future. Edelgard almost pathologically refuses to look backwards. Her eyes are fixed on the future she will cut out for herself. She can’t recognize Dee, the gentle boy she doesn’t think about that much, in Dimitri, who’s been broken by tragedy and changed such that even Felix thinks he’s unrecognizable. 

And I think what reinforces this is that in Azure Moon, when Dimitri acknowledges her as El, Edelgard’s reaction isn’t that of recovering a memory, but of making the connection that Dimitri is the same person as Dee. She just had not noticed it until then.

Because to her, it doesn’t matter.

She says that to him! It doesn’t matter. ‘Dee’ is part of her past. She is moving towards the future. She fundamentally disagrees with the idea of idealizing the past the way Dimitri does, and cuts it away from herself with intent. I think there’s something to the reading that, when she’s beaten at the end of Azure Moon, she throws the dagger at Dimitri to incite him to kill her. The dagger means ‘cut a path forward,’ and Dimitri knows that. Her values of looking forward and not back are clear even in her dying moments, when she has no choice but to entrust Dimitri with improving the world from there forward.

I think it undermines Edelgard’s character to say she ‘has amnesia’ from that time. She remembers. She just chooses not to prioritize that time. Her eyes don’t stray to what is to her the darkness of her past. They are fixed on the edge of dawn.

#fe3h #Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd #Edelgard von Hresvelg #They are such foils for each other honestly #It's why they can't come to an agreement even when they want to! #Their values are just incompatible and that's just how it is #Fire Emblem Three Houses #fe3h spoilers

[lyriumlullaby-ao3]

hello i’m back from the dead (sleeping) and it’s time to talk about

why Cullen won’t let anyone fix the hole in his ceiling 💖

someone has probably said this before but it wasn’t me, so here we go!

so remember that Ser Cullen Stanton Rutherford of Honnleath grew up with three siblings, who he describes as being “very loud.” i see him as always being a very disciplined child, kind and warm and willing to let Mia take charge (because fighting her for it would have been useless), but a steadfast follower with a keen sense of justice and fairness, willing to voice his objections when he had any, and very fastidious about not breaking rules when Mia or Branson tried to stir up trouble. you know, that whole second child archetype. he was prone to a bit of escapism, running off to that pier on some lake which is definitely not in Crestwood, which tells us he likes having somewhere to escape to, somewhere to run if he gets overwhelmed.

skipping forward a bit, when he lived in Kirkwall, he had quite a bit of freedom to come and go physically, but to me at least it seems like he felt trapped by his duties under Meredith. he explicitly describes her keeping things from him, things she thought he’d disagree with as her second in command. he felt lied to, deceived, manipulated by her (bc he was), i think, even before the events at the end of DA2 that expose her for what she is. can you imagine that feeling? like he actually wants to do good, to treat the mages fairly and help keep them and everyone else safe (that’s why he signed up, after all), but he’s got this nasty, evil commanding officer who’s whispering in his ear, twisting all that good intention to do her malicious bidding. it must have felt like beating his head against a brick wall, like no matter what he did, his sincere desire to believe that other people are fundamentally good disappointed him. i always say that Meredith gave Cullen just enough rope to hang himself with.

jumping forward again, let’s talk about the Winter Palace. Cullen is very obviously uncomfortable there, and it makes sense why: he can’t leave, not without being extraordinarily rude, can’t get away from the people bothering and sexually harassing him, can’t get out of that jacket that is too damn tight. if you bring Cole with you, at one point in his ‘Investigate’ tree he comments that, “Cullen is afraid. They’re hurting him, following fear. He shouldn’t be here.”

all of this is just to illustrate: man’s got a Thing about feeling trapped, stuck, unable to fight back or defend himself or just flat out leave. and why does he have such a hard time with this?

because of that one time that Uldred blew up the Circle at Kinloch Hold in Ferelden. for reasons we don’t fully grasp, rather than being claimed by the demons or simply killed in the fighting, Cullen held out. he resisted demonic possession completely, somehow, and was instead trapped within that magical prison with no possibility of escape, probably for weeks. no escape from his hunger, thirst, or lyrium withdrawal, and no escape from the (probably Desire) demon(s) that tortured him with freedom if he’d only give in to those things he won’t quite allow himself to want.

so the fact that there’s a hole in his ceiling, even months into the repairs at Skyhold, when almost everything else has been fixed but a few, hard-to-access bits of masonry, is not lost on me. and sure, you could always blame it on lighting for the romance scene that takes place up there. but i like to think that it’s there because Cullen refuses to let them fix it. here’s why:

Cullen doesn’t like to stray far from his post. he likes that there’s a loft with a bed where he can pretend to sleep that’s not far from his desk, where he commands the lives of thousands of people. (i think at one point in Absolution, it’s revealed that at its height, the Inquisition was composed of ~10,000 troops, plus all the necessary support personnel.) the fate of the world is quite literally depending on his ability to do his job, and when the lyrium withdrawals make him feel like he must be losing his mind, he likes that he’s got an easy choice between resting (like he knows he probably should) or working (like he knows he really needs to), separated only by a little wooden ladder and a few planks that make up the floor.

he needs that little hole in the ceiling. if ever something happened at Skyhold, and it wasn’t safe or possible to leave through the three fucking doors on the lower level, he needs a back up plan, a way to get out from the top of that tower, or he’s every bit as trapped as he was at the Winter Palace, or by Meredith, or by Uldred and his demons, and he can’t be, not here, not with so many lives in his hands. not after Haven.

he needs it when he wakes up shouting, drenched in sweat, from another nightmare where he’s back there, trapped with demons who’ve murdered or enslaved your brothers and sisters and are trying to break you next, or pinned under Meredith’s thumb, doing things that he knows are wrong, he knows, but she’s his commanding officer and he trusts her, so how wrong can they really be? he needs it, first thing when he opens his eyes, to know he’s got an escape route, a backup plan. he’s safe.

and when he finally gives in to temptation, that thing he wants more than anything that he really shouldn’t let himself want, when the Inquisitor confesses that she wants to be with him when this is all over and he very dramatically sweeps aside everything on his desk, his whole life, shattering it all over the floor, he needs that little patch of sky to remind him it’s real. he’s free to leave whenever he needs to.

and that’s what allows him to stay.

#anyway this got long lmfao #but yeah. the reason why cullen still has a hole in his ceiling :) #cullen rutherford #dragon age #meta #dragon age meta #i’d like to personally rip meredith standard’s throat out with my TEETH but. that’s a different post #ask me about it sometime it’s a good ted talk #antares speaks #there’s like a little bit of #cullenmance #in here so i’ll tag that too :) #antares' meta

[metannoyuhhh]

I just saw a TikTok about the fears and motivations of TMAGP and I don’t think I can sleep until I get this out.

So the main big bad(s) of The Magnus Archives was the fears and their entities and artifacts. All the main characters and statement givers, if not the rest of the world, were effected by them. Motivated by them even.

Even if someone wasn’t experiencing one of the fears firsthand, a connection to someone who has or even just a read through of a particular statement could motivate one to do so much.

Jon had The Web first. He experienced Mr. Spider at such a young age and his fear of spiders carries on for as long as he does. Then it was The Eye, the position he presumably worked so hard for turned out to be far more sinister. He was trapped and he was paranoid and he was surrounded solely by other paranoid victims. And yet, this fear did nothing but push Jon to do more research, to find what was going on, and to fix it. He was scared and he was tearing himself and his relationships apart but he saved the world, at least once.

Martin was Lonely for a long time, making him a perfect candidate to be taken under Peters Lukas’ wing. He was isolated from the beginning, watching his family and friends drop one by one like flies. Close to the end he felt he had no choice but to give in. He probably knew it was wrong to give himself up to The Lonely but if that meant saving what was left that he cared for, he’d do it every time.

Tim was such a doting big brother who lost his other half in such a devastating and horrific way. His brother was picked off by The Stranger when his curiosity got the better of him and his best friend was murdered and replaced and he didn’t even notice for months. His fear turned to aggression and his aggression turned to vigor to research and fight to do his damn best to stop The Unknowing, and he did.

In The Magnus Archives, fear and trauma is what motivates people. It’s the rush of adrenaline that gets people moving and fighting. And while sometimes it’s also to get something they want (a better world, to save someone, revenge) there is always trauma that comes first. You cannot have the motivation and obsession shown in TMA without having experienced the fears in one way or another.

I think The Magnus Protocol is going to flip this on it’s head. Instead of fear fueling motivation, it’s going to be motivation that leads to the fear and trauma.

Gwen is a perfect example of this. She’s so dedicated to her job and so obsessed with filing things accurately so that she can work her way up to the managers role. And I think her precision and dedication to the statements and the knowledge they hold will put her straight into The Eye’s influence, or maybe even The Web.

Sam is a similar case, his curiosity about the files is going to lead him to something unsavory that he won’t be able to get out of.

In The Magnus Protocol everyone wants something. Gwen wants power, Sam wants knowledge, Colin wants to get ahold of this strange computer system, and I think Chester and Norris most all want each other.

I think Jon and Martins love for each other, their wanting to be together and still sacrificing that in hopes of bringing the world back fundamentally changed the way this world operates. They wanted to be together so they came back in the form of our little text to speech bots, they will always be together now, even if that means being trapped in a desktop from the 90’s.

The Magnus protocol is going to be about wants, and I think that is going to be apparent very soon as Colin works on the app more and as Sam dives deeper into the files and as Gwen works her way up the corporate ladder.

It may even be that these characters become entities because of their wants. Like the woman in episode two who wanted to perfect her art and herself at the cost of her physical appearance and relationships. It really wouldn’t even shock me if my the end of this all of our main characters will have succumbed to a fear in some way, except for maybe Alyce.

#my brain is so big rn #so full of thoughts #and tumblr is my only place to put them #tmagp #the magnus protocol #chester tmagp #norris tmagp #alyce dyer #colin becher #samama khalid #gwendolyn bouchard #jon sims #martin blackwood

[neonsheepe]

After a tense moment where the gold lighted program's eyes widened marginally, Clu shook his head and waved Melli off, suddenly overcome with a flood of emotion that threatened to completely overturn his composure.

"Enough- I'm finished talking about this." He snapped, getting up from where he'd been seated at the edge of the cliff and kicked at a strangely polygonal rock, only to curse at its deceptive weight and limp over to a larger rocky surface to sit and sulk. "The Reset is ancient history. Or at least it might as well be.”

Melli frowned, but continued to push. “Flynn told me that the war that happened before the reset was from someone he and Tron considered a friend. That he staged a coup against them. Was… was that you?”

"I said enough!" Clu snarled this time, eyes wild as they fixed on the girl. "You don't understand what they did to me! What they...What he charged me with. And then what? Told me he changed his mind? Programs don't get that luxury. And to call my purpose a coup..." He spat, glaring, buzzing with energy and nowhere to let it out, his shoulders winding tightly. "I was serving the purpose he charged me with. Nothing more and nothing less..."

Though the peek into the madness inside the Flynn clone spoke more of the possibility that maybe Clu's very creation was flawed from the start.

After a moment of silence of watching the program pace, body tense and hands fidgeting at his side, Melli spoke, gently but earnestly.

“Clu, I believe you.” And in all honesty, her heart broke for him.

"Believe it all you want or don't want. It makes no difference..." He was burning himself out. Both Flynn and Clu had similar temperaments- they burned hot, and brief.

"The Grid as it was is gone. And everything I was created for...was worth nothing. I was worth nothing." Emotion was tightening his throat now and he hated this. Hated the feeling of his face getting hot and his suit feeling constrictive and *tight*. Hated the feeling of being unable to breathe.

"I'm fundamentally different, I was his...we were partners and he left me here alone, Melli. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do. You've given me the first feeling of purpose since the Reset."

There was nothing more in that moment that Melli wanted to do than to take that pain from Clu.

“To be created and told your existence is wrong.” She whispered. “I am so sorry he did that to you, Clu…”

There was nothing she could say that would change any of this, and the last thing she wanted to do was make him feel like his anger wasn’t justified. Flynn created him, told him his entire life purpose was wrong, abandoned him, and even after a system reset, a fresh start… Flynn wasn’t looking for him, let alone dare to even speak his name.

Clu looked at Melli, eyes red with anguish. So, programs could cry...

But to see Clu so...distressed- this was vulnerability and Clu actively held himself in disdain for it...but the way Melli was looking at him, was showing him care, was listening to him...

The program felt the ground rush up to him and he found himself on his knees, vision going fuzzy as he felt the emotions inside him come to a head and a sob finally broke through the administrator's throat.

#a little Drabble for y’all #clu 2.0 #Clu #Melli (Tron) #drabble #fanart #tron fanart #sheepe art #tron #tronblr #Tron Reset

[aemondtargaryensfire]

A Ravenous Desire- Aemond x fem!Reader

Chapter One, Part I

Series Masterlist

Rating: Explicit

Pairing: Aemond Targaryen x fem!Reader

Warnings: 18+ Minors DNI, AFAB reader, she/her pronouns, cannibalism, descriptions of cannibalism, violence, blood, gore, death, murder

Chapter Summary: A recounting of your childhood and how you ended up on your own.

Word Count: ~5.5k

Author's Note: The next part of Chapter One will be from Aemond's POV, and it will tell his story in a similar fashion to this one. That part will likely be gorier and have more warnings than this part, so as always please mind the warnings and tags before reading! Chapter Two will be when things start to pick up more...Hope you enjoy!

Chapter One, Part I

Despite the love you were often surrounded by as a child, you had still always known there was something off about you; something fundamentally different from everyone else. Adopted at the young age of two, your parents showered you endlessly with their adoration and care. As their only child, you never had to want for anything, for their strong parental love and affection was always present. And whereas some people looked at you with confusion or uncertainty, as if they could sense your difference, your parents had always fawned over your unique features and quirks, never missing a chance to remind you of how special you were to them.  

“As light as starlight...” your mother would often muse as she brushed your hair out in the mornings. She’d lovingly pin purple flower hairclips in your hair, to match your eyes, and then she would lean back and gasp dramatically at her work. “Oh, my beautiful girl! My blessing.” She’d give you a squeezing hug and then start asking you for your input about the plans for the day. “We could go to the library, I think they have a storyteller coming in! Or we could go to the park, go on a bike ride...” Those times with your mother are still some of the happiest memories you have.  

When she decided to go back to work, and your father moved to working only odd jobs so he could stay at home with you, the routine stayed much the same. Though he could never do your hair as expertly as your mother did. Even so, you would never tell him that, just happy to have him near you. But no matter how much love and comfort a child can be surrounded by in the delicate little cocoon of their parents’ love, the time always comes when they must be sent out into the world. Shortly after your fifth birthday, it came time for you to start school. Your mother and father had tried to prepare you for the transition, explaining the ins and outs of making friends, homework, and all the other associated parts of this new stage. You found out quickly that this preparation wasn’t enough.  

The traits that your parents had always viewed as endearing soon became annoying, a burden that schoolteachers muttered about or that your classmates used against you. No one found it interesting how differently you looked from them; how you stuck out like a sore thumb. It wasn’t cute when you could smell what your classmates had eaten for breakfast, or when you commented on it loudly. And it was downright troublesome when you would smell or sense that another kid had had an accident or stolen and eaten a snack before lunch time, announcing it to the class before anyone else had even noticed. Any chance to fix the mistakes you’d made inside would have come during recess, but the noises were too loud and the environment too overwhelming to home in on just one or two classmates. You came to spend that time alone. Your teachers were your partners more often than not, the other children much preferring to partner with their friends, or someone who didn’t freak them out or make strange comments.  

People would also stare, often, you noticed. When you were younger and still a small child attached to the side of your mother or father, this staring was always accompanied by interested murmurs, compliments directed towards your parents for their beautiful girl. But a child with their parents isn’t threatening or burdensome. A child can be viewed as an extension of another person, not an autonomous being. Not a potential problem or inexplicably alarming. And with your parents beside you it was easier to believe you were truly human, and not an alien that had wandered in off the street, attempting to blend in with the rest of the children. As you got older and the stark contrast between the appearances and social lives of your peers and your own became clearer, the creeping sense of alienation was harder to ignore. A small handful of your peers found your unique features beautiful and intriguing, but this never progressed from offhand compliments to friendship. The others appeared to be scared of you at times, and their reactions were often harsh, if not outwardly cruel.  

“You look like an alien.” 

“Her eyes freak me out!” 

“I bet your parents adopted you because they knew no one else would and they felt sorry for you!” 

The whispered comments that you couldn’t hear, and downward glances and avoidance were hurtful in their own way.  

You had always considered yourself a strong person, but you could only listen to these comments and bear the loneliness for so long before it became too much to handle. And so, you began to dye your hair when you were only eleven, in an attempt to blend in. Your parents had forbidden you from doing so, despite your frequent begging, but the comments and isolation from your peers had grown old and the loneliness ate at you. It took four months of saving money from your allowances and a fair amount of planning, but you had finally managed to buy a cheap box of black hair dye on your way home from school one day.  

It must have been a shocking sight, for your parents to walk into their child’s bedroom to find them looking like a completely different person, their bathroom stained with black hair dye. Your mother was clearly devastated, as much as she tried to hide it. “You look beautiful, my love. I’ll just miss my starlight.” Sunglasses became a staple of every outfit as well. When you weren’t able to wear them, your eyes reflexively found a spot on the floor and only a handful of people would be granted a view of your eyes, typically only out of necessity. Those physical traits were easy to cover up or ignore. Some aren’t so easy. Whereas many people avoided you, some flocked to you instead, seemingly pulled in. After your first victim, things began to make more sense.  

Several years had passed since your abrupt change in appearance, and you had been fortunate enough to make a couple of friends. It didn’t matter that you had to change yourself, you told yourself, because someone finally wanted you. Someone finally viewed you as something other than a loser and side show freak. The three of you bonded over the same things young girls that age usually bond over; stupid, unimportant things. Crushes, stress over testing and class work, shared annoyances of your classmates, or if you were going to start wearing makeup soon. Together, you made a close trio, and you were convinced that this could never change.  

Nonetheless, it’s unfortunate that in a group of three friends, there will almost always be one that’s left out, that isn’t as close to the other two. A third, pushed off of the sidewalk or given an uneven third of a sandwich. Sleepovers would be thrown, and the closer two would whisper to each other to keep it a secret from the other. You had bonded particularly well with a girl a little bit younger than you, Sara. She was quiet, like you, but she had a streak of feistiness that often left the two of you keeled over, laughing until tears formed in your eyes and your stomachs hurt. She had beautiful dark, curly hair, and freckles that covered the bridge of her nose and inched their way up on either side of her gray-blue eyes. The two of you bonded over your status of being adopted children, of feeling outside of the norm in a sea of children who weren’t lacking in this part of their identity. And you both had only each other, whereas sweet Cassie would often weave in and out of other friend groups. Additionally, she had dark blonde hair, and the two of you had darker hair. You would usually joke that, were it not for your eyes, you could easily be mistaken as sisters or even twins. The connection you two shared seemed perfect; meant to be. 

Being a third wheel is unfortunate, much of the time. Sometimes it’s a blessing. The weekend before the beginning of the next school year, you had invited Sara over for a sleepover to celebrate the final days of summer break. Cassie had been on vacation, and she never seemed to understand the games you and Sara played anyway, so it was just the two of you. It was late, and the two of you were polishing off a bag of candy and trying to find another movie to watch after finishing yet another rewatch of Splash, without much luck.  

Your father had been remodeling the kitchen, his tools strewn haphazardly around the house and plastic sheeting on the kitchen floor and hanging from the walls. When you weren’t able to find a movie, the two of you decided to play a new game, taking turns standing behind the sheets of thick and dirty plastic with a flashlight illuminating your silhouettes as you mimed different animals or motions, a take on charades and a game made more enjoyable by the late hour. Sara had just finished pretending to be her older brother riding a skateboard, and she somehow managed to perfectly capture his hulking figure and attitude, leaving you sitting on the floor giggling behind your hands to avoid waking your parents. You were so overcome with love for her, that when she emerged from behind the plastic and she motioned for you to go next, you decided to play another game instead.  

A game of Truth or Dare wasn’t really necessary for the two of you, considering how close you were. But the night’s activities and your friend’s bright presence had given you a kind of high, and your curiosity and feelings of love couldn’t be ignored. Sara raised her eyebrows when you suggested it, but she agreed quickly and sat down across from you, her game face on.  

“You go first.” 

You scooted closer to her, a smile on your lips. “Truth or Dare?” 

“Ugh, Truth!” 

“Okay, have you ever kissed anyone before?” You knew the answer. 

Sara blushed and giggled, avoiding your eyes, “You know I haven’t! I would have told you the moment it happened! And I know you haven’t either so don’t look at me like I’m some kind of los--”  

You leaned forward, cutting her off, and kissed her gently on her lips, your own curiosity getting the better of you. Both of you had your eyes open as your lips touched, and it wasn’t long before you were both laughing again, cheeks red and warmth in your chests.  

“Now you have!”  

You found that the kiss had touched something deeper within you, and it left you feeling warm and satisfied. But you wanted more. Of what, you didn’t know.  

Sara paused for a moment, smiling at you with her crooked teeth and blushing cheeks, before she giggled again and stood up, lending you her hand and helping you to your feet. “Let’s see if we can find another movie or something!” 

You nodded, beginning to follow her to the next room, before you grabbed her hand again and pulled her into your arms, hugging her tight and wanting to hold onto this moment for as long as you could. The world had never felt so beautiful and so expansive as in that moment before, that moment where you two simply hugged and held onto one another, making promises to always stick beside one another. You loved Sara. As a friend, as a confidante. The bonding between you had been quick, and your relationship with her had begun to chip away at the gnawing sense of loneliness that had grown in you for years. And how you loved her, you loved her, you loved her... 

“I don’t care if we don’t have any classes together this year, nothing that stupid could tear us apart anyway,” Sara had declared, squeezing you tighter before finally letting go.

Then, in a cruel turn of fate, Sara turned to begin walking into the other room and she made the unfortunate mistake of catching the sleeve of her shirt on a loose nail on the wall, and in pulling away, she scratched the underside of her arm. It wasn’t a deep scratch. It barely even bled. But it bled enough that your eyes shot right to the inflamed line on her arm. Suddenly your ears felt like they were full of cotton, and your stomach made an uncomfortable churning sensation. And then a buzzing in your ears began, accompanied by an aching in your chest and your mouth watering.  

You had experienced this feeling on only one other occasion that you could recall, when your mother pricked her finger as she was tailoring a dress for you for an upcoming holiday. You’d watched as the bead of blood emerged, fully entranced and lost in the image. You had started reaching for her hand, and mistaking your gesture as one of concern, your mother moved and kissed you on the head before she walked out of the room to get a band-aid, “I’m fine, sweetie.” The sweet chime of her voice, blissfully unaware of what she had awakened in her daughter. She left you in the room, staring at the spot she had just left and with nothing to do but rub your stomach from the distinct feeling of discomfort. The incident left you feeling strange, and an unfounded resentment towards your mother bubbled within you in the following days. Your parents laughed and brushed off your sudden change in mood, attributing it to regular preteen angst and hormones. You knew, however, that hormones weren’t to blame for such a reaction. The hunger left behind lingered for days. Nothing made it go away aside from time.  

At that moment, all you could do was stare at Sara’s arm. The stark contrast of red on her pale skin fascinated you. But not nearly as much as the thought of what lay beneath that skin. The curiosity, the hunger to know was overwhelming. Muffled, concerned questions erupted from Sara as she watched you, grabbing onto your arms gently to try and shake you from your stupor. You didn’t really hear her, and you didn’t care. You weren’t fine. Nothing was ever going to be fine again.  

Your violet eyes finally moved up and met the calm gray of hers, full of mutual love and friendship, and she smiled at you in relief. And then you reached out and grabbed her arm, sinking your teeth into the soft flesh, meeting her eyes all the while. You remember being briefly surprised at how easily you were able to puncture and break the skin, before the taste of the blood landing on your tongue hit you, the buzzing growing louder and your stomach growling as if to say keep going.  

The bite on the arm was just a nibble, a brief taste, until your ears became attuned to the sound of her beating heart, the pumping of blood in her neck. More, more, more. Moving up, you grabbed onto her beautiful dark hair and pulled, baring her neck to your mouth.  

Her screams pierced your ears, so shrill and full of terror that tears began forming in your eyes. But you just kept going, wanting more than anything to satisfy the desire and hunger you felt. Her screams cut off abruptly as they mingled with the overflowing of blood in her mouth, quickly replaced by her quiet gagging and choking. You loved her, you loved her... 

No. 

Not enough. Not enough to stop. Not enough to ignore the quenched hunger and need you had been feeling for most of your life. The one that you had previously thought was from loneliness, from feeling alienated. Now, with your friend’s flesh and blood in your mouth, you felt whole for the first time in your life. No amount of love could overcome that, you thought.

The screams had awakened your parents. Imagining the worst case scenarios of the two of you facing an intruder, or starting a fire, or breaking something, they pulled on their robes as quickly as they could and ran through the hall and down the stairs. And then the screams stopped, and it was eerily quiet. As your father moved into the kitchen and closer to the neighboring room, he grabbed a hammer from his toolkit on the table and they both inched their way into the room, not sure what they were expecting but preparing for the worst. But even that wasn’t enough.  

What would be the appropriate response to finding your daughter, kneeled over the bloody and still body of her friend? To hearing the nauseating sounds of her chomping, sifting through a corpse? Is there such a thing?  

You were ravenous. Nothing more than a feral animal. A monster. Unable to comprehend that your parents were in the room, watching you. Unable to care. All that existed in the world was Sara, as she traveled into your mouth and into your stomach.  

The trance was broken only briefly when the screaming picked up again. You remember stopping only briefly as you wondered why Sara was screaming again, as you’d just finished eating her throat. You stopped eating momentarily to look back up at her face for the source of the screams. It didn’t take long for you to realize that it hadn’t been Sara screaming, it was your mother, her screams of fear morphing into yells,  

“What did you do! What did you—oh, God...oh God!” 

You turned to meet her eyes, moving to stand on shaky legs. Your mother was in hysterics, sobbing and grabbing at her hair but unable to meet your eyes as she looked down at Sara’s mangled body. When you looked at him, your father was still as a statue, his face frozen in shock but eyes moving in quick succession from you to Sara. Then, as if on instinct, he started to bend down, reaching for the hammer he had dropped in his shock.

“No!” Your mother screamed, lunging for your father and grabbing the hammer from his hand. He let her grab it without a fight, tears rolling down his cheeks as he finally stopped and looked at you.  

The spell was broken, and whatever had spurned you to act in such a primal manner was gone. Tears began rolling down your face, mingling with the blood of your dead friend, and you started to move towards your parents, aching for the feel of their comforting arms wrapped around you.  

“Mommy...Daddy...”  

Your father pushed your mother behind him, his shaking hand held out in front of him as a shield. A shield from you.  

“No! Stay back...j-just stay there honey!” 

Sobs tore through you, and all you could do was wrap your arms around yourself. You could feel the stickiness of Sara’s blood on your arms. Your shirt clung to your skin from the blood. Pieces of hair, both yours and Sara’s, were plastered on your face and neck.  

The sight of your own parents cowering in fear caused you to turn and look back at her body. It was unrecognizable. The tears in your eyes caused your vision to blur and her body looked like nothing more than a large blob of red.

What had you done? 

You fell to your knees, crawling over to her body and grabbing what remained of her face. You just wanted to see her eyes again, you needed to count her freckles again, braid her hair... 

“Sara...” 

Sobs wracked through you so much it was painful, and you felt as if you couldn’t breathe.  

“Sara!” 

Cradling her face, thumbs stroking beneath her eyes, you tried to will her back to you; you wished to go back in time and change something, anything, that would undo this. You were a monster. No, more than a monster. A scourge upon the Earth. A mistake. A wretched, cruel, evil little thing.  

Was it worth it? 

You felt yourself being torn away from her, hoisted up in your father’s arms. You wished he was going to kill you, letting yourself go limp as you continued to sob. He carried you into the bathroom, your mother following close behind, still sobbing quietly. He placed you gently in the tub and then turned on the faucet. He held out his hand, checking the temperature and then guided you closer to the stream of water. “Go ahead and get cleaned up, sweetie…”

And then they both left, closing the bathroom door behind them.  

The temperature of the water went unnoticed by you. Time went by unnoticed by you. You sat in the tub, frozen, shivering and still in your blood-soaked clothing. You could hear yelling muffled by the closed door, only catching bits and pieces of the conversation happening in the other room.  

“We always knew that something...didn’t we?” 

“That is still my child! That is our child!” 

“I don’t know what to do!”  

More sobbing could be heard before it became eerily quiet.  

You felt your chest tighten, your stomach churning as the reality of the situation began to set in. They were going to turn you in. Or kill you; a mercy killing, as if you were a rabid dog. You thought they should have. But they were going to make you tell Sara’s parents first, probably. They could help put you down. You should be clean for that. You stood and began to peel off your clothes, adjusting the stream of water and then standing beneath the shower head.  

Of everything that happened that night, one of the things you remember most vividly was the color of the water, in such a striking contrast to the white of the tub and illuminated underneath the bright bathroom lights. It was so red, with small clumps of coagulated blood and flesh mixing into it as it pooled around your feet before swirling down the drain.  

Once you were thoroughly clean, you finally moved to get out of the tub, wrapping a towel around your body and drying your hair in the same manner you always did, out of habit. If not for the lingering smell and taste of blood and your bloodshot and swollen eyes you could almost have fooled yourself into believing it was like every other night. You felt the urge to get some tea and a snack after getting into your comfortable pajamas, afterwards popping your head into your parents’ bedroom to say goodnight before you went to bed yourself. The longing you felt, in that moment, to return to the simpler times battled with the full feeling in your stomach and the knowledge that your life would never be the same. Perhaps that would be a good thing, you thought; perhaps this was who you were supposed to be. 

This is who you are. 

To this day, you don’t know precisely what your parents had been talking about as you washed yourself of sin. You assume they were discussing their next moves, about what to do with you, all while questioning if their love for you was worth it and enough to cover up such a brutal crime. However that conversation truly went, you figured out after leaving the bathroom that they had come to a mutual agreement. They sat on the couch in the darkened living room, several feet apart, and they both looked up as you entered the room. It may have been a trick of the light, but you could have sworn you saw a flash of fear in their eyes.  

Your mother had then ushered you over to the couch in between her and your father, and she held you, stroking your hair as she stared blankly at the wall in front of her.  

“Why, sweetheart?” Her voice was full of defeat, of disbelief. Despite the events of the night and what you had done, she didn’t sound angry, or disgusted. And neither of them had turned you away or called the police.  

It took you awhile to answer, but you eventually settled on a quiet “I don’t know.” 

You looked at your father and then up at her, your voice small as you spoke and barely loud enough to hear. “It won’t happen again. I promise.”  

You meant it at the time.  

They both sat quietly, your mother squeezing you slightly and your father continuing to stare at the blank TV screen.  

In that moment, they truly felt that their love was worth it, that it was enough. You were still theirs; they were still yours. They had been trying for children for years before they found you, and you were their miracle. There was no going back now, they could abandon their daughter or be dragged down alongside her.  

The issue of Sara’s body and last known whereabouts caused a lot of problems. You were surprised to find that your mother and father had already moved it, her, while you were showering, though you didn’t know where and you still have no clue. The trouble was largely due to the fact that her parents knew that she had been at your house for a sleepover, and they had met your parents on numerous occasions. When she didn’t return in the morning, they would know where to look first. An entire family disappearing at the same time as an unrelated child would be a dead giveaway and suggestive of who was at fault.  

It wasn’t difficult for your parents to muster up the emotion, the tears, as they called Sara’s parents in the morning and asked if they had seen the two of you, explaining that they couldn’t find either of you that morning and that you had both gone missing. Their devastation was real. Officially, you had both gone missing the night before as your parents slept, last seen at the corner store earlier in the evening to buy snacks. The search lasted for weeks until they officially called it off, the both of you assumed to be lost, kidnapped. Your parents, devastated by their loss, were to leave town shortly after in an attempt to “move on”. 

Before they made the call to Sara’s parents, they drove you up in the dead of night to the old vacation home to be safe in the meantime. It was quiet and private, and they made sure you had enough to last you while they tied up loose ends. This was a lonely time, but it gave you the room you needed to process your grief and this newfound side of yourself. Or, as close to processing as a fourteen-year-old who just ate her best friend is capable of. The guilt that consumed you was accompanied by something else more alarming. The feeling that followed Sara’s brutal death could best be described as something like an adrenaline rush, mixed with the pleased, comfortable feeling one might experience after eating a hearty meal. It reminded you of how you often felt after Christmas dinners, from eating more mashed potatoes and pie than you thought humanly possible. Satisfaction.  

You missed it. For the first couple of weeks, you vacillated between being stuck in bed with crying jags to pacing around the house, out of both restlessness and the desire to forget how you had felt, covered in blood but fully sated. When your parents met you at the secluded home, you moved to pacing around in the attic to avoid bothering them or laying on the ground gritting your teeth and fighting the beast you felt inside of you.  

This routine lasted almost a year, and you rarely left the house aside from the forced walks your parents took you on in the surrounding woods. Unbeknownst to you, your parents had been in contact with several people throughout this time, gathering false records and creating a plan for trying to move on with new identities, so that you could all return to some semblance of normalcy. They made you promise that nothing like this would ever happen again, confirming with you nearly every day that you were “fine”, and that your eating of Sara had simply been a lapse in judgement, a possession completely out of your control.  

They never sought to try and explain it, at least with you. There were no conversations about how this behavior had come about, your motivations, what caused this. It was a topic they chose to ignore, rarely mentioning Sara or your lives before. At times, you got the unsettling but distinct feeling that they knew something they weren’t telling you, and that this avoidance was an attempt to bury it.  

Once your new identities were formed and your parents were assured that you were fit to be seen in public again, safely, you moved and started at a new school. Something you never told your parents, in between your assurances, was that the urge hadn’t disappeared. Sara had awakened something in you, and it flared up every time you tuned yourself in to the people around you. You heard their hearts, smelled their flesh and blood, and felt the very essence of their being if you looked at them for too long. And you wanted them. You didn’t want them as friends, or lovers, or even just as acquaintances. You just...wanted. You yearned and hungered for them. Unexplainable at your young age, but understandable now.  

You stopped dying your hair and making attempts at hiding your appearance. A small part of you wanted people to see these things and know that you were dangerous so that they would keep away from you. A more dominant part recognized that these features often drew them in, and you wanted that.  

Sara wasn’t the only time you had such a fatal lapse in judgment. And she certainly wouldn’t be the last. The next one was a boy, who was nerdy in an endearing way and who showed interest in you despite your reticence and insistence that you didn’t want any friends. His first mistake was approaching you and inviting you to go to a football game with him later that week. His next one was taking the initiative to hold your hand on the bleachers. His last, and most fatal, was asking you to go on a walk with him before the game ended. The two of you ended up underneath the bleachers, and as you bit into his neck, his screams were drowned out by cheering.  

Steven. 

Then there was Cheryl, the friendly school librarian that took you under her wing. She told you she saw herself in you, because she was always shy and she had a hard time making friends, too. For vastly different reasons, you assume. That was one of the cases that required a speedy exit. You didn’t get to finish her. 

Molly. Veronica. Robert—but he liked to be called Robbie. Mona.  

You were a monster taking shape. You were sure that, if you had the capacity for such a thing, that you would grow horns, your spine would poke out from your skin and your teeth would grow into long fangs. Your appearance remained fairly unassuming, however. 

With every victim, the urge only grew, and the amount of guilt you carried, and the length of satiation decreased as well. After a while, you and your parents had formed a routine, one that they executed with practiced movements. They could read your face after something had happened, and they would nod, and tell you to pack your bags and be ready to leave by morning. In some severe cases, where you were more likely to be linked to the scene, they gave you only an hour before hitting the road to your next life. You would go and fold the few clothes you had, packing your bags as they sifted through boxes of documents. Always prepared. 

The fatigue wore them down. The disappointment. To your face, they rarely expressed how unhappy they were. They had a murderer for a child. A budding serial killer, more accurately. But love is blinding, and everything else fades into the background. They loved you, and nothing else mattered.  

Fortunately for them, the love was mutual. Covering up your crimes and helping you clean the blood off of your skin or from your hair was taking a dangerous toll on them. Being afraid of their own child was taking a toll on them. The looks in their eyes, even accompanied by wide smiles and comforting hugs or touches, were indicative of the exhausting nature of their obligation to you, their love for you. You realized that you could free them from this. On your eighteenth birthday, you spent one last night with them in the scantily decorated apartment you had recently moved into, and you blew out the candles on your store-bought cake and wished for their happiness. You wished for them to find it in themselves to move on, to live a life without you and without the burden you carried. Once they had gone to bed, you returned to the familiar box of documents and grabbed your original birth certificate and adoption papers, along with some backup false ones and other files, and a small handful of cash, just to get you by. And then you left your parents. To thank them; to protect them.  

You suppose a life of solitude wouldn’t be too bad. It was rare for you to stay in one place for very long anyway. It would be better this way.  

Thanks for reading!

Thoughts and comments are always appreciated :)

#aemond x reader #hotd au #tw: cannibalism #tw: death #tw: body horror #tw: blood #aemond targaryen #aemond fanfiction #aemond x fem!reader #aemond one eye #hotd aemond #house of the dragon aemond #house of the dragon #hotd fanfic #prince aemond targaryen #aemond x you #aemond Targaryen x reader

[matan4il]

Buddie 518 meta

I have to admit, we talked about Taylor breaking Buck’s trust, we considered the implications of her breaking the story on Chim and Hen (possibly putting them in harm’s way), I even took into account that Greenway might use her story to try and counter the actions taken against him from a legal position. But I have to admit, I did not think of the implications for Buck at work. TBH, it’s not fair that there would be any, but Taylor’s worked with off the record sources before, she must have been aware that the world is unfair in this manner, and that her actions could jeopardize Buck’s work. Now her words about hating for things to get messy for him at the fire station in 516 land even more of a punch. She knew, and she still went ahead. She knew, and she still didn’t think of giving him even just the benefit of a warning. This season’s B/T storyline started with Taylor ignoring Buck and his feelings for the sake of obsessing over the news in 501 and it ends in the same spot. It was always spelled out for us. ~

Eddie made me so proud in this episode. We already knew that he was progressing and healing, but it was damn fantastic to see him go from where he was in 511, at his lowest, snapping at Bobby, to getting to a place where Eddie could thank his captain for the help, which included exactly the thing for which Eddie had snapped back then.

The ending of these scenes was even similarly shot, with Bobby down below in the living room, looking up at Eddie (though in the finale, the distance between them is physically smaller). More than that, after the low point of 511, we go to Eddie starting to improve his r/s with his father in 517 and then on to him coming full circle and being able to (unknowingly) help save his father figure in this ep by thanking Bobby for being saved by him. This is the stuff that keeps us all watching, isn’t it? ~

I just have to say how happy I am that Buck finally realized he gets to walk away from a relationship if it doesn’t suit him. It was so clear he had such a fear of being left, that he ended up clinging to someone who he didn’t really love and didn’t make him happy. Realizing through his talk with Maddie in 513 that that’s what he’s doing, he was ready to confess to Taylor about kissing someone else, ready to take her wrath or a break up, but he still wasn’t in a place where he felt like it was okay for him to break up the relationship. That it was okay to walk away even if the other person was willing to stay. That sometimes, it’s the right thing to leave. He told Eddie it was in 502, but he still didn’t fully embrace it for himself, because all he’s ever known was being the one abandoned. He couldn’t bring himself to do that to someone else. He finally knows that he’s not going to be able to suppress how he feels about Taylor choosing her job over actual people. He can’t learn to live with it. She was willing to change, but he finally grasped that something was fundamentally broken between them, and chose to end their relationship. This is why things needed more time to unfold, so he could get to this point where he gets to choose himself.

Just like Eddie had to do the same with Ana at the beginning of s5, realize that he can’t stick it out for Christopher’s sake. We’ve seen these men’s romantic journeys, so often tied closely together, and in this season, we got to see both of them having reparative experiences for what they didn’t get to do in a romantic relationship before, getting to choose themselves and their own happiness over the need to be in one at any cost. ~

The Buddie scene fixing Eddie’s walls together was something else entirely! It obviously referenced the talk they had in the classic balcony scene earlier this season in 504, where Eddie told Buck he’s the guy who likes to fix things. Clearly, this shows how much what Eddie says resonates with Buck, and to make the connection even more blatant, Buck seems to even be wearing the same hoodie! I also adored how easily Eddie can read Buck and what’s up with him, that’s another ongoing theme with these two, figuring out exactly what’s going on with their best friend even before he spills the beans. And let’s not talk about the insanely domestic nature of Buck going to Eddie when he can’t be in his own home.

Remember Buck in 407 talking about the need for his loft to be his safe space? Remember him saying in 311 he’s not really a guest in Eddie’s house? This bit cements that Buck’s safe space and home away from home is wherever Eddie is, even when the place is physically still torn apart. But this scene was also a parallel to when Buck gave Eddie a wake up call about needing to break up with his girlfriend, and the next thing we knew, Eddie did. Buck’s break up with Taylor starts here, with Eddie’s words. For real, these break ups truly were the parallel bookends of this season in so many ways (I’m not talking only about the bigger things that I addressed in the previous paragraph, I’m also talking about stuff like the color of the couples’ clothes or the choice to do both in the kitchen), it’s truly unhinged. Except it continues the perfect tradition of Buck and Eddie’s love lives being intertwined, so really, it’s in perfect alignment with what 911 has always done. And if that domesticity wasn’t enough, they were literally finishing each other’s sentences in this scene, they are officially the most married people on TV ever. And they were also so content simply to be together here? They each had their own arc to wrap up in this scene, coming to a climax in the flashes we get during the wedding. Buck has to break things off with Taylor. Eddie has to talk to Bobby and reclaim his place with the 118. Those are good, satisfying moments for them. But we see them being the softest and most content to just be in the moment despite everything else they need to take care of, it’s this scene, when they’re together, literally helping and having each other’s back (precisely as Ravi mentioned in this very ep), Buck physically helping to repair Eddie’s home after also being there for him and their family unit, Eddie being there to stir Buck in the right direction.

And this scene is included in the same ep in which Buck spells out to Maddie what true love, true romantic partnership is like. To be there with that partner when each is hitting their worst and still choose this togetherness over and over again, just like we see the amnesia couple do in this ep. We already knew Buddie have been there for each other through the worst and lowest points in their lives, but this scene literally depicted that and their choice of their togetherness in the most perfect, wholesome way. If Buddie are not true love, it just doesn’t exist. ~

Speaking of the amnesia couple being at their lowest, but choosing each other, I just had to add in this one last, small detail about them. They begin and then they also start over by agreeing to go out and eat together. This specific line threw me back to how Buck and Eddie began as rivals in 201, but as soon as they got to vowing to always have each other’s back, meaning once they agreed to start over, Eddie asked Buck and Bobby to go and grab something to eat together. It may not seem that romantic, since he also invited Bobby along, but it stood out as being more romantically coded when Eddie repeated the gesture in 313, at roughly the same time he was thinking of maybe starting over, begin dating again, as is implied by his talk with Chim in that ep. ~

I don’t write Madney meta despite loving them, so I kinda got out some of my love for Chim, Maddie and Madney by posting this. However, I do have to point out that one of the ways in which we can tell they're destined to get back together is that neither one of them was very happy with the idea of dating others. Kind of like how we’ve never really seen either Buck or Eddie truly embrace each other’s girlfriends. Just think of how Karen is embraced by Bathena and Chim. Or David became a part of Michael’s gang together with Bobby. Partners on this show are also a part of this extended family, but Buddie’s external Love Interests never became that to their boyfriend’s best friend, they either remained far removed from them or showed active signs of unspoken dislike, the biggest case in point being Eddie with Taylor. These men aren’t fans of the idea that their partner is dating others, either. TBH, they don’t seem to be fans of dating others themselves, given how awkward the Eddie and Ana as well as the Buck and Taylor relationships have been. ~ Oh, but apparently I’m not totally done with Madney related comparisons, because hey, I pointed out Buck was their truth-teller back in 208. He takes that role upon himself again in the s5 finale, trying to imply to Chim that Maddie still has feelings for him. This is lovely in itself, but it also took me back to when Buck first did this, and how it was paralleled with Maddie being Buck and Eddie’s own truth-teller in 204, when she called out Buck’s crush on Eddie. ~

It was interesting to me that even though we saw Buck break up with Taylor before the ep moves on to Henren’s wedding, 911 still chose to add one more scene to truly wrap this arc up, when she returns the loft’s key to him. I just had to quietly squeal to myself, because this stands in such contrast with us all knowing Eddie has had Buck’s key since before 301, and 513 indicating clearly that Buck also has one for Eddie’s place. The show really made the key to someone’s home into the symbol of being their partner in the same season in which it reminded us that Buddie have each other’s keys. (also, my first time making one of these meta gifs myself. I hope it’s okay!) ~

I just adored that the happy ending of this season, that final moment when things slot into place and the world is a better place than it was, is when Eddie is finally back with the 118. Oh, but what made it better is that everyone on the team was so intense, everyone other than Buck. He glances over at Eddie, who’s finally there to determinedly stride along with them, and only then do we see this one singular dazzling smile on Buck’s face. Yes, everything is right with the world again at this moment, but this one smile lets us know it’s to a great degree because Buck has his partner back (as giffed here). I think 5b was great in terms of the team’s arcs, but many of the calls just weren’t quite the same without our iconic battlefield boyfriends. Can’t wait for them to ride together again in s6! ~ If you’ve enjoyed any of my meta posts, if you’d like to keep seeing them in the future as well, please let me know in the tags. Thank you so much for reading what I have put out and for any and all support! I’ll still be here during the hiatus and I wish us all a good time getting through it together! Also, I’m endlessly grateful to the wonderful @judsonryder​ and @whosoldherout​, who added so much life to my meta with their dazzling gifs! xoxox

#buddie #911meta #buddie meta #911 meta #9-1-1 #evan buckley #eddie diaz #buddie gif #buddie gifs #buddieedit #911edit #911 gif #911gif #911gifs #911 gifs #wm #911onabc #911 on abc #911abc #911 abc

[sylvies-chen]

okay obviously roy’s question to keeley in this week’s episode was all kinds of inappropriate and invasive. personally it did feel very out of character, and the storytelling on the roy and keeley front has been very off through this season so far. but I’ve been thinking about the audience response to it as the reactions and tweets have been rolling in and it’s worth noting the difference in how roy and jamie are treated as characters right now

what is so appealing to many about jamie is that he began the show as the obvious antagonist. he wasn’t the villain exactly, but ted lasso is a show that doesn’t exactly have a main villain besides maybe rupert— and even then, he’s mainly just the team’s opposition and rebecca’s enemy. the true “villains” in this show, to me, are the cultures and mindsets that we all fall into. the trap of vengeance and retributive justice, locker room culture, bullying, toxic masculinity and its expectations, insecurity, etc. and I could go into all that another day. but I digress.

jamie had the potential to be the show’s antagonist. they could have very well stuck him in the role of bully and kept him there, but they didn’t. they allowed him nuance, they gave him the grace and leeway to grow and evolve into the lovable himbo that he is today. and now that he’s put in that work that was so hard to get him to do inthe first place, he’s sitting comfortably in that evolved state.

roy is not like that. he’s a character who made some sizeable strides of growth very early on in the show, and who then made a few missteps along the way. he’s a character who retreats back into an older version of himself for self-preservation, and though it isn’t right and results in him making significant mistakes, he’s ultimately the kind of man who can recognize when he does fuck up and will make things right. we haven’t forgotten that, have we?

my point is, roy is a character whose growth is not linear or simple. jamie is. and that’s not me saying jamie is a basic character or without nuance because he has his complexity. I know that and enjoy it thoroughly. but his arc was a very straightforward narrative and I think that’s part of why so many people like him. it’s a very easy tale to love, with a before and an after.

roy, as of right now, just isn’t like that. he is at his most insecure, his most closed off, and his most wounded. he’s reverted slightly, in the midst of a character regression due to the pain he’s felt and the anxieties he has. and it’s making him do stupid things (or ask stupid questions) especially because no one has been seen to really help him snap tf out of it. now of course he has to be the one to hold himself accountable and be the man keeley deserves and let go of his insecurities controlling his life and his actions, and many of those steps he has to take on his own. but damn, it’s sad to see so many people straight up quit on roy as a character after having done a bad thing. progress is not always linear! just cause he screwed the pooch on this one doesn’t mean he can’t get back to who he really is and earn back keeley through redemption. this whole show is about radical empathy and reconciliation, for crying out loud! falling into this trap of “who’s the better person” and “who deserves keeley” denies these characters the very fundamental idea that people don’t come with a predetermined set of what they do or don’t deserve, because we are all capable of change. if it were true, jamie would deserve to be stuck on love island for harassing sam in season 1 or ruining nate’s suggestion box.

anyway, TLDR: we can acknowledge that roy was entirely wrong and inappropriate to ask that question while also not entirely surrendering hope for him to fix his mistake. instead, we can acknowledge it for what it really is, which is a shit writing choice by people who are fumbling the bag on the roy/keeley/jamie/jack aspect of the season tremendously

#im so sorry this was very long but i had Big Feelings about this #ted lasso #roy kent #keeley jones

[wayward-panda]

The writing in Good Omens season 2 is superb: A slightly unhinged long take on a fantastically written season.

(SPOILERS, OBVIOUSLY) 

I could write about a lot of things, (Frankly, this season was everything and more)  But I want to start with the ending. 

I started seeing everyone's opinion on this season, particularly the ending and the thing that surprised me the most, are the people saying that what Aziraphale did wasn't in character. I have to disagree completely. (And I will say it, I’m not a fan of the coffee theory at all) 

Of course, everyone is entitled to their opinions but, I have to ask. Were we watching the same Aziraphale? Of course, he was always going to choose heaven. He would have always chosen heaven. And most importantly the only way the character was going to grow was if he chose heaven. He needed to choose it.

It makes so much sense, (Metatron or not) that when given the chance to return to heaven in a position where he believes he could make change in, he would take it. Because Aziraphale’s main driving forces are faith and morality. He feels a duty and a responsibility to heaven because he is an angel, and frankly, when they didn’t need him anymore he felt aimless. (He took it a lot harder than Crowley being on his own side) He sees the toxicity of heaven, but unlike Crowley, he can't bear to just look away if he believes he has a chance to fix it. And because he is Aziraphale, even then after all the torture and the things heaven has done to him, he still believes they are fundamentally the good guys, because he believes, in an ineffable god. He believes in compassion, kindness, and forgiveness and believes everyone needs and wants salvation. 

So of course the best possible scenario for him was offering that very thing to Crowley. In his mind he is offering them a safe eternity together, and he doesn't understand why Crowley would hate to go back. Because Aziraphale desperately wants the chance, he desperately wants to make a difference, and he can't fathom that Crowley wouldn't want that. 

Nevertheless, I think Crowley is also in the wrong with what they ask of Aziraphale. 

They don't understand that Aziraphale wouldn’t be content just running off with them. Unlike Gabriel, Aziraphale’s purpose is tied to humanity, he cares. He would never be at peace just leaving everything behind when there are still things to fix and he has the opportunity to fix them. 

For Crowley, doing good and making a change doesn't really matter much, because they don't believe there is any fixing, good or bad. They have been burned (Both figuratively and literally) by heaven and hell so many times, and they would have hated to go back. They are content on their own side. All they want is freedom, so of course their ideal scenario is to run away. 

They would have been perfectly content running off and leaving everything behind, (and frankly seeing that Gabriel and Beelzebub could get that very thing so easily must have hurt like hell) (or like heaven) 

Even if there are things still unfinished, Crowley wouldn't care. Because they lost faith a long time ago. Their purpose is not tied to earth, hell or to heaven, it is tied to Aziraphale. They would be perfectly content wherever Aziraphale is but Aziraphale would not be happy anywhere away from earth. And morally he would be destroyed with guilt. 

They were both in the wrong because what they ask of each other neither would ever be able to give. 

And it is brilliant. Heartbreaking and absolutely genius. They need to learn to see things from the other's point of view before coming together. They weren't ready. IT IS HEARTBREAKING BUT IT IS PERFECT WRITING. 

THANK YOU FOR BREAKING MY HEART NEIL, CAN’T WAIT FOR SEASON 3. 

(Stream the show bastards) 

#good omens #good omens spoilers #good omens season 2 #neil gaiman #aziraphale #crowley #i will defend him with my life #ineffable husbands

[foundmywei]

Banana Fish Fanfic Recs

Here are my favorite banana fish fics, mostly asheiji. Please always check the tags for trigger warnings. Enjoy!

Masterpost

Asheiji: Post-canon

Growing Pains by Exiledfromazerath1316

(23,426 words | Mature | Completed)

"If I've got no one to fight than how do I know who I am?!"

Moving to Japan with Eiji is a start, but there is no cure all for something like this.

Growing pains will never be easy.

Odour of Chrysanthemums by nyanja14

(20,915 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Completed)

Two years Eiji was gone with barely a word sent back home to his mother. Two years of her son’s life that Hiroko will never know.

Hiroko is angry at Ibe for failing so spectacularly at keeping her son safe. She’s angry at Eiji for not coming home at the first opportunity. But her true fury has nowhere to go.

Ash Lynx is already dead.

(except he's not really because this is my fic, and I say Ash lived; welcome to my post-series "Eiji's Mom Meets Ash" fic)

Measure In Love by goldendraeconis, Snow_Falls

(33,509 words | Explicit | Completed)

"If he really never did see Ash again, at least Eiji had the comfort of knowing he was free. Finally, finally, Ash was somewhere no one could touch him, even as that was what Eiji longed to do. He felt like he could die from how badly he wanted to hold Ash again, just one more time. But, it wasn’t fair to want something so selfish. Ash was his own person, and he deserved to live for himself, wherever and however that may be."

After the showdown in New York, Ash goes missing. Eiji returns to Japan alone, heartbroken and unsure what to do now. After one year of radio silence from Ash, the two meet again, getting closer over the course of a year, and fulfill the promise of forever.

Find My Way Back (To You) by mara_cas

(23,263 words | Not Rated | Completed)

What if Eiji hadn’t been hurt that badly by the two Chinese men sent by Yut-Lung? What if he was out of the hospital the next day, with nothing but a scratch, well decided to retrieve Ash? Banana Fish is history, Dino Golzine is dead, but it seems like Ash Lynx still can’t rest. Lee Yut-Lung has a favor to ask him, one Ash and Eiji can’t refuse. As they join forces to unravel a new menace, Eiji has to put his life in danger and Ash must learn to step back. This new adventure could be the opportunity for them to learn more about each other, and to have some very needed talk.

Fool For Lesser Things by Snow_Falls

(29,736 words | Explicit | Completed)

"He knew irrefutably that if Eiji left he would take something fundamental to Ash with him, and without that, what would be the point in living? He might as well have let Foxx finish him, if he was going to cop out now. No, Sing was right, the little brat, what the fuck would be the point if he didn’t go with Eiji? God, he was an idiot."

Or the fix it fic we all need. The alternate ending I cherish in my heart of hearts.

The Way It Should Be by Snow_Falls

(8275 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Completed)

“You know we can’t technically be married here, but a lot of same – sex couples do this instead. They add the younger partner to the older one’s family registry, they become next of kin, and it gives them a lot of the same rights as a spouse,” Eiji hadn’t been able to hold Ash’s gaze the whole time he spoke, he was looking down at the bedspread now, tracing lines on it with his finger.

Ash looked up at him. “Are you asking me to marry you?”

The question hit Eiji with a stronger force than he would have expected. He felt it in his stomach, in a hot shiver up his spine, and blood rushing to his cheeks. He was suddenly incredibly nervous, because – “Yes, I am.” Eiji took a breath and tried not to feel the sudden way his hands shook with adrenaline, sheer anticipation. “Will you marry me?”

Breaking The Habit by EmirAttemptsToWrite

(17,582 words | General Audiences | Completed)

Ash had no idea where he was.

He felt a dull pain in his side. His entire body was aching, but his mind couldn't register what was going on. It was dark everywhere he looked - was he asleep? Or about to wake? Or was the place he was in just pitch black on its own?

He thought he could hear a faint beeping noise - but it was echoing somewhere in the distance.

Or, my take on the Banana Fish ending that follows Ash on the journey of accepting love.

you keep me without chains by ADreamingSongbird

(10,060 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Completed)

They say time heals all wounds. If that's what it takes, Ash is just about ready to throw himself into a fucking hourglass.

This Quiet Life by elena_stidham

(15,820 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Completed)

Ash's life can be divided by the sounds each location makes. Cape Cod was a world that only sounded like the wind and sea. New York is a world full of noise.

Japan only sounds like Eiji.

dull swords, sluggish arrows by ADreamingSongbird

(10,605 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Completed)

An unexpected visitor shows up on Eiji's doorstep, seeking answers about Ash's death.

Except that Ash isn't dead, and there is very little Eiji wouldn't do to keep him safe. Even if that does mean yelling at a very tall Russian man in public.

harbor by ADreamingSongbird

(27,567 words | Series - 5 works |  Teen And Up Audiences)

shatterpoint by ADreamingSongbird

(8,611 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Completed)

"I was wondering.” Eiji even smiles. “Would you like it if I kissed you?"

And everything goes wrong.

A long-overdue conversation, one rainy day in Japan.

we are the people that rule the world by kybelles

(9,068 words | Series - 2 works | Teen And Up Audiences)

AU where Ash and Eiji have their happy ending.

when honey spills and apple swells by ADreamingSongbird

(8345 words | General Audiences | Completed)

Ash turns twenty-two. No, not like the Taylor Swift song. No! Not like—will you stop singing, Eiji!

(Ash and Eiji move back to New York. Eiji decides Ash deserves to have the best birthday he's had in a long time. Mild shenanigans ensue.)

won't even wish for snow by ADreamingSongbird

(2,121 words | General Audiences | Completed)

It's the stupidest hat Ash has ever seen. Who would even buy something that tacky? It's ugly and ridiculous and so, so dumb. What a waste of money.

...but Eiji would love it.

God dammit.

gone away is the blue bird, here to stay is a new bird by ADreamingSongbird

(60,824 words | Series - 4 works | General Audiences + Mature)

Three Christmases, and then some.

like ribbons, worn bright on my sleeve by ADreamingSongbird

(3,030 words | General Audiences | Completed)

Eiji is fine.

What happened in America happened, and he's accepted it. It was terrible, but it's over. He's in Japan now, living with Ash, and they're happy. He's fine.

(Until he isn't.)

Wash away the pain by liuniverse

(3,000 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Completed)

“Hey, love,” Eiji almost whispers, his voice slightly trembling. “Look at me, please.” He wants to make sure that Ash really wants this.

The blond man turns slowly, making eye contact. He is blinking a bit faster than normal.

“If that is what you really want, then I would love to.”

Or, Asheiji exploring their intimacy by taking a bath together.

Hold me close by liuniverse

(1,191 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Completed)

And then Eiji pulls his hand away.

Ash feels like his heart was just ripped out of his chest. He lets out an ugly sob, struggling to see in front of him, his eyesight is too blurry.

“Ash, are you—”

“Please touch me!” he cries out.

Or, touch-starved Ash and his thoughts.

Asheiji: Canon timeline 

Ain't it like thunder under earth by Snow_Falls

(11,172 words | Explicit | Completed)

'Alex clarified, when again it seemed like Ash wouldn’t reply. “Whoever goes with the boss has to spend some time fooling around with him.”

“Who is going with Ash?” Eiji had to ask.

There was a significant pause. The boys looked at Eiji and away.'

Fake dating, then real dating, with the mildest of heists thrown in for flavour.

Snapshots by Snow_Falls

(16,277 words | Mature | incomplete as of october '22 but can be read with no problem)

A collection of missing moments between Ash and Eiji.

Let's Pretend by Kamikama

(4,754 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Completed)

Set during episode 21 of Banana Fish. They need to pay Frog a visit and get the pictures, only Max is not available to go with Ash inside the gay club.

Eiji comes to rescue.

this dream, realized by luftballons99

(4,805 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Completed)

“It’s just dancing,” Ash whispers, knowing that nothing he does with Eiji could ever be ‘just’ anything. “You’ll be a pro in no time.”

or

Ash teaches Eiji how to dance. Eiji teaches Ash how to hope.

talk so lightly by ADreamingSongbird

(4,200 words | General Audiences | Completed)

Ash comes home after a long day only to find Eiji missing. The apartment was supposed to be safe! How did they find him, and how did they take him without Ash knowing they were coming? If they've hurt him, there will be hell to pay...

Eiji, meanwhile, has been thoroughly enjoying Mrs. Coleman's macaroni and cheese casserole.

fishbowl by luftballons99

(4,588 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Completed)

In which Mrs. Coleman means well, Alex sees God, Sing loses, and the age-old question “What’s with Ash and Eiji?” is answered.

"It’s like watching a goddamn soap opera."

Enough by ginkohs

(1,106 words | General Audiences | Completed)

Ash only allows himself the smallest scraps of comfort from Eiji. Eiji surprises him by giving him just a little more than he expected.

Skipping Stones by TurnUps

(54,304 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Completed)

A collection of oneshots filling in some scenes that probably didn't happen in between episodes/scenes, but that I like to think did because these boys need to talk to each other.

“Didn’t think you had it in you.” Eiji had been expecting to drive in silence. Or maybe he had just hoped they would drive in silence. Ash’s voice made it all too real. A large part of him had wanted to concentrate on what gear to shift to and when the lights would change. That would distract him from the feel of his heart trying to escape from his ribcage and his hands shaking on the steering wheel. “I didn’t think I had it in me either,” Eiji said. His voice shook and he tried to give a shaky laugh to cover it up. Ash was looking at him. He could tell. Those eyes pierced into the side of his head. He swallowed, trying to think of something – anything – to say. The whole city seemed like a big grey blur. He drove where Ash said, but he couldn’t separate roads.

Hangin' Tough by TurnUps

(48,533 words | Mature | Completed)

A series of oneshots set in the 80s during that one Summer where Eiji is telling Ash he's going to go home soon and yet not leaving. (Episode 11-12) Also mostly set at 3 a.m, so late nights and early mornings. (Slow dancing in the kitchen in socks at 3 a.m) *** A loud noise woke Ash. He immediately thought ‘gunshot’. Eiji. Someone had shot Eiji. Then his mind recognised the sound as a crash. Intruder. Someone had broken in. He swung out of bed, pulling his gun out from under his pillow, pulling the door to the rest of the apartment open - To find Eiji standing in the kitchen, staring back at him wide-eyed. He had turned on the light over the hob and it bathed him in yellow light. Ash's Walkman was skewed over messy hair and an 'I love New York T-shirt' covered him like a tent. Ash's stomach flipped, despite the fact that he was aiming a gun at this boy. Adorable, really, he looked adorable. But that was something wouldn't appreciate hearing.

the half life of what we become by amaiyo

(14,055 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Completed)

Ash just wanted Eiji Okumura’s attention.

He couldn’t justify it, couldn’t unravel the logic of why he always craved the older boy’s dark eyes on him. Ash had spent most of his life being the centre of the show; the disgusting old men in Golzine’s club, the patchwork of gang members who followed his every move like he was a messiah. Even simple passerby seemed to watch him like they were cataloging something glamorous, something other worldly.

He always hated the attention he drew, and yet—he would do anything for Eiji to look at him, to focus on him, to stay with him just a little bit longer.

[Ash's need and Eiji's unconditional love, in four snapshots.]

knight in shining armor by aalphard

(2,293 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Completed)

“Come on, Eiji,” he whispers. “Let go of me now.”

“Dangerous,” is what he says back.

For a few seconds, Ash tenses up. Every fiber in his being is screaming at him, urging him to run, run away, hide, take Eiji with you and hide, hide, hide, as his eyes desperately scan the room searching for something that could be used as a weapon against whoever it is that’s hiding here. But when Eiji sighs, nuzzling him again, his muscles start to relax on their own, although Ash is still very much concerned about potential danger now. When Eiji starts to babble about the princess dragon in the tower and something about the sword of swords, Ash almost screams.

So that is why he was mumbling about danger. He’s dreaming.

Angry, Drunk And Sad by Anonymous_Cupcake

(2,144 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Completed)

Eiji gets drunk and reveals feelings he's kept bottled up. ---- "Well, you know what?!" He screams, the others flinching at the sudden change in voice and tone. He continues his drunken ramble, because like it or not, people are listening . "Eiji CAN be in a bad mood. And right now... Eiji in a bad mood."

The tears return as the truth finally makes it out. His mind finally recognizes the danger of being this vulnerable. They're gonna tell Ash, they're gonna make him go home, he doesn't want to go home—

"What the hell is going on here?"

Ah, speak of the devil and he will appear.

you make the winter feel warmer by ADreamingSongbird

(7,120 words | General Audiences | Completed)

"Let's take a walk," Eiji said, already pulling on his coat. He didn't need to use those big soft eyes to convince Ash, but he did anyway, turning to look at him with hope shining in his face. "I want to see the lights for Christmas! Please, Ash?"

And who is Ash to tell him no, some kind of monster?

Pain Management by Wings_and_Feet

(8,007 words | Mature | Completed)

The only thing worse than a stab wound, is an infected stab wound.

And the only thing worse than an injured wildcat is an injured wildcat that is still grieving his best friend's death.

Add in the sure knowledge that Eiji saw him at his most feral and now knows yet another of his shameful weaknesses...

Well, so far no one has gotten shot. Yet.

But Eiji is stubborn, and Ash's guys really deserve more credit.

Or

Golzine uses drugs to control the kids in his club. The aftermath.

five more minutes by fioletovazirka

(8,185 words | General Audiences | Completed)

It’s hard to believe that people call Ash an angel when he has one of his own waiting for him back home.

Little Pieces by Wings_and_Feet

(12,597 words | Mature | Completed)

Not everything that happens makes it to the retelling. And some secrets are best kept for everyone's safety.

Which is why after everything that happened, Ash and Eiji never mentioned running into Shorter's old girlfriend in LA. Not when Shorter died. Certainly not when she shows up back in New York carrying a little piece of their lost friend.

What started as a need to save the child of the friend he couldn't save becomes a story of endings and new beginnings and maybe, finally, the family that Ash deserves.

Ready or Not by Wings_and_Feet

(5,102 words | Mature | Completed)

Ash loves the way he feels in Eiji's arms, safe and protected. Loved.

He would die for this feeling, even if he doesn't quite know what to do with it yet.

But what if Eiji wants more than a cuddle? Most people do. He can do this. He can do anything for the man he loves.

He can't do this. Oh God.

I'm Ready by Wings_and_Feet

(9,196 words | Mature | Completed)

Eiji told Ash "When you're ready or not at all." And he meant it.

That doesn't mean waiting is easy.

How do you know if you're really ready? How do you know if your partner is? How do you quell your worries when the first time was such an unmitigated disaster?

Told from Eiji's point of view, this takes place six or so months later. When Ash is finally ready to try again. Sex on his own terms.

if i could fly by ADreamingSongbird

(5,320 words | General Audiences | Completed)

The night after cornering Blanca and Yut-Lung's men in the Natural History Museum, Ash can't sleep.

Secret Things by Shapeshifter99

(1,706 words | General Audiences | Completed)

Eiji Okumura knew many things about Ash that no one else did.

In His Eyes by peachcitt

(2,684 words | Not Rated | Completed)

“This is how you see me?”

“Yes.” Pause. And then: “This is how you deserve to be seen.”

or: eiji uses up expensive photo paper while ash gets a little more comfortable with touch

all creatures wild and tame by Quintessence

(5,775 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Completed)

"But even amid the haze of relaxation and warmth, one thought comes through with uncomfortable clarity.  How much longer is Eiji going to keep this up?  How much longer will he treat Ash with affection and kindness before his patience finally runs out and his touch turns cruel and demanding?  Ash knows violence, so intimately that he can rarely be bothered to mourn for his own suffering anymore.  But when it’s Eiji, when he imagines Eiji’s hands as the ones bruising him, something deep within him cries out in protest.  It’s only a matter of time before the inevitable--Ash knows this--but he wishes it weren’t.  He wishes he could live in this bliss, this gentleness, forever.  He wishes that, just this once, there could be a different ending to this story.

But there never is.  Ash would stake his life on it."

Ash knows touch well. Too well. But then he meets Eiji, and suddenly something about it is different than before.

golden hour by ADreamingSongbird

(5,502 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Completed)

Ash turns eighteen on a warm late-summer's day. Amid all the plotting and running and guns and death, Eiji decides the birthday boy just needs a day in the sun to unwind.

Asheiji: AU

like a light i'm luring you by kybelles

(33,109 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Completed)

One night, world famous musician Ash Lynx drunk tweets about a cute boy he saw in a magazine and all hell breaks loose.

“Oh my God, just show me!” Eiji yells nervously.

Yut-Lung presses his lips tightly, turning his phone screen for Eiji to see. Eiji tenses when he sees the photos from his photoshoot on Twitter, but it’s nothing compared to the way his body freezes when he notices the person who tweeted them.

Ash Lynx ✓ @ash-lynx

who are you where do you live how old are you why are you so fine how do you like your eggs in the morning

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Eiji stares, and stares, and stares while his brain processes the fact that Ash Lynx, the Ash Lynx –famous musician whose entire discography is on Eiji’s Spotify list— has tweeted about him and called him fine.

A long moment later, Eiji’s mouth falls open and a scream rips from his throat.

Color my Skin by SuperChorifly

(68,553 words | General Audiences | Completed)

Okumura Eiji, his mother decided, would be greatly loved throughout his life. Time seemed to prove her right, since as he grew up; Eiji would grow colorful rings on his wrists as if he was collecting them.

Aslan’s father had once told him -a cheap beer bottle in hand and eyes trained on the TV- that he didn't come into this world to be loved.

Or: Soulmate AU where the first time you and your soulmate touch, a colored line shows up in your skin

satin birds by kybelles

(48,619 | Mature | Completed)

PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT

Mr. James R. Callenreese and Ms. Hideko Aoki are very delighted to announce the engagement between Mr. Callenreese's son and sole heir to Callenreese Corporotions Mr. Aslan J. Callenreese and Ms. Aoki's beloved nephew Mr. Eiji Okumura. The happy couple haven't decided on a wedding date yet.

(Except, Ash and Eiji are not happy at all because they don't want this marriage.)

the branches we bind by ADreamingSongbird

(7,145 words | Teen And Up Audiences | Completed)

The woods are lovely, dark and deep, but I have miles to go before I sleep.

Or: The Darkness returns, and Ash Lynx would do anything to protect his love.

Yut Lung redemption

Half a Letter by Hamliet

(28,594 words | Mature | Completed)

The letter Ash got in the library was not Eiji's letter, but rather a letter about Eiji. With Eiji and Sing in danger, Ash tries to team up with Yut-Lung and a reluctant but guilt-ridden Blanca to save them.

Stray Phoenix by Hamliet

(64,924 words | Mature | Completed)

Yut Lung grew up as a pawn in the Lee family. Determined to topple his brothers and grasp a new role for himself, he is accustomed to playing every person he knows. When he is warned about Golzine's intentions to inject Shorter with Banana Fish, he chooses to free Shorter instead, and then finds himself in a new game, one he may not know the rules to.

it's my fault (i know i'm selfish) by Livesinbooks

(18,251 words | Mature | Completed)

“It seems that our guest of honour is late.”

For a moment, Yut-Lung is incredibly disoriented, and he has to blink a few times, head still ringing with Ash’s screams. He’s at the dinner table for Golzine’s little dinner party. There’s the table, Ibe across from him, Lobo across from Arthur. The ugly green curtains and the red carpet. The door opens and Ash enters the room, looking cleaned up, calm and collected, nothing like his appearance just moments ago. What’s going on?

#banana fish #asheiji #ash lynx #eiji okumura #yut lung lee #asheiji fanfic #asheiji fanfiction #asheiji fanfic rec #I haven't read any since 2021 sorry for the lack of new ones

[lurkinglurkerwholurks]

Choco Bombs

First posted: August 3, 2018

Focuses on: Tim Drake and Dick Grayson

My favorite bookmark: "author is a master at advertising and also this is sad"

Tier: Subjectively, quiet. Objectively, middle of the road.

This is my "behind the scenes" series where I indulge myself horribly by annotating my fics. Link to the fic itself above. Thoughts below the cut.

We're finally to the end of my BatFam Week 2018 fics. This one was made for the "Hurt/Comfort" prompt and ended up being... Well, you'll see.

There was a person in his kitchen. There wasn’t supposed to be.

I don't remember what the inciting incident was for this fic, creatively speaking. There might not have been one. I do know these were always the opening lines. In fact, it may have been that these lines came first and I had to scramble to figure out what in the world was going on and what came next. Five years later, who's to say.

The person in the kitchen turned. For a moment, Tim’s breath caught as the dim recessed light illuminated black hair, muscular shoulders clad in a subtly expensive button-up, and a small, warm smile. Bruce. But then Tim caught sight of the face. Just Dick.

Whatever happened, I'm 98% sure this part came pretty quickly too because whuff. Mean mean mean. Poor Tim misses his dad so much, only he hasn't even gotten to grieve like the rest of them.

“There’s this new fad going around,” Tim said before Dick could speak. “It’s called knocking. Big hit with your fellow millennials. You should try it sometime.”

I try really hard to avoid pinning down pesky things like dates because we keep aging and these kids... don't. But you have to admit, Dick is a millennial. Although now I'm having a crisis that technically Bruce probably is, too, maybe.

He didn’t know how to navigate this new terrain with Dick. He didn’t like tension, but he didn’t know how to fix it without rolling over, and he wouldn’t give in. He was the injured party here, not Dick.

A fundamental issue for poor Tim here is he has functioned for a long time as a peacemaker, coming in when Dick and Bruce were at odds and the Manor was fundamentally broken. But he's also stubborn as heck.

Bowl located, Tim turned around and noticed with a spiteful zing of satisfaction the way Dick pinched the bridge of his nose. But then Dick noticed him noticing and straightened, smile plastered back on his face.

I wrote this long before The Return was even a glimmer on the horizon of life, but reading back with that in mind... Poor Dick. He's trying.

Tim had learned to cook as a kid. Even though his parents made sure they left enough money for delivery food, he’d liked the idea of filling his big, empty house with warmth and the smell of a good meal. He just... hadn’t had the energy over the last few weeks, that was all.

Nowadays I'm not convinced at all that Tim can cook, but I was still trying to figure out which canon I ascribed to back then.

“What’re you having?” Dick asked. “Choco Bombs?”

Tim held up the bright orange box in answer.

Reese's Puffs FTW

“Hmm?” Dick jerked to attention, elbow buckling before he snapped upright. “Oh. Sorry, Timbo, just... zoning out there, I guess.”

Behold the one and only nickname I will allow for Tim. (It's a family nickname so I'm fond of it.)

Tim fidgeted his spoon between his thumb and forefinger. “The, uh, gig more intense than you thought?” Demon brat giving you a harder time than you anticipated, Dickie dear?

Timothy, your Jason is showing.

The corners of Dick’s mouth tipped upward slightly, like doing more required more effort than he could afford. Leaning forward, he bent and rested his forehead against Tim’s. “I’m not injured, little brother. I’m alright.” Tim’s fingers flexed uselessly as he forced himself to take a breath. “But you’re not,” he murmured.

brotherssssss 😭 Truly, I should do more forehead presses.

“I’m sorry, I know I screwed up with how I handled you and Damian. I don’t know what else I could have done, but I know—And now you’re not talking to me, and Jason is AWOL, and it’s like I’ve lost my brother again, but it’s both of you this time. Damian hates me. Alfred... I’ve never seen him look so old. And my dad is dead. Again.”

...

But Dick. Dick had adored his parents, and into the jagged hole their deaths had left, Bruce had appeared and filled the gap to keep Dick from falling after them. Regardless of their weird, part-paternal, part-fraternal relationship, Bruce really had been Dick’s dad for the majority of Dick’s life. And now he was gone too. Tim knew. But he couldn’t imagine. My dad is dead.

Oh, I was wrong before. These bits. Dick talking about his losing his dad again, that's what incited this fic. I will bet dollars to donuts I had a text meltdown on @starknjarvis27, jotted a couple notes to myself, and then had those first two lines smack me like a bolt from the blue.

Does this fic in the end toooootally mesh with what I unpack in The Return? Not really. Is what it is.

#fanfic bts brain dump

[rollercoasterwords]

hi! i just finished reading atyd from Sirius’s point of view and I was just wondering one thing—did you write in Tonks becoming closer to Remus towards the end to stick to canon of them getting married and having Teddy? if so, do you think Remus really married her because he moved on and loved Tonks, even if it wasn’t the same as the love he had for Sirius? Hope that makes sense, sorry!

oooh ok hello very interesting question but i feel like i have a lot to say so i'm gonna put my answer under a cut! also still planning to write a tonks oneshot for "another perspective" at some point wherein these questions would be answered, but since that probably will not be happening for a very long time the following will essentially be what i was envisioning for the canon-compliant remadora i wanted to write:

ok so first off gonna start out with the disclaimer that like...in terms of personal preference, i normally hc remus as a gay man and tonks as a lesbian and just ignore everything going on in canon w remadora + teddy. BUT since i was writing a canon-compliant story it was an interesting challenge to think about what their relationship might look like, and i essentially created like...the most angsty version possible in my head lol. so, to answer ur questions, this is my vision/interpretation of a canon-compliant remadora:

starting with tonks -- i imagine tonks as a character that has sort of struggled with identity her whole life. like, as a metamorphmagus (or whatever the term is i don't feel like googling rn) i think her perception of herself would be very shaped by the fluidity of her appearance and this ability to sort of shift into whatever people want. and i also imagine her as a character who's like, a little clumsy, a little abrasive, always sort of been told she's too much. so i imagine her sort of shifting her appearance as she grows up to try to make people like her and struggling with this deep insecurity that who she actually is is someone that is fundamentally unlikeable, someone that is too much. throw in some mommy issues and an additional anxiety surrounding gender--again, because like...she can literally change her appearance at will! what ties her to one gender??--and we get this character who is very young, trying to find her place in the world, deeply insecure about whether she could ever be someone truly loveable, whose first line of defense against that insecurity is to alter her appearance and sort of...put on this performance of being someone else, someone confident and loud and secure.

and i imagine tonks meeting remus and him being sort of like....one of the first people to make her feel comfortable, to a certain extent, about who she is. like--everyone else thinks she's too much, but remus finds it kind of sweet and charming. and i imagine tonks very much latching onto him, in a way that is not necessarily healthy, and thinking this is someone who could love her. but i also imagine that she wasn't oblivious, and that she saw what was going on between remus and sirius, and she like...wanted that. she wanted, so, so badly, for someone to love her in the all-consuming way that remus loved sirius.

and then sirius dies. and suddenly remus is like....a shell of a person, with nothing tethering him to the earth. and i think tonks would have this desire to like...fix him, just to prove to herself that she could. like, it's part of the canon that tonks is very much pursuing remus, even as he's trying to tell her it wouldn't work.

so i imagine tonks pursuing remus and sort of being the only person who's actually trying to deal with him in the aftermath of his grief, the only person who still wants to be around him.

and remus....i think he'd be in this horrible position where like. he knows what tonks wants and he knows he can't give it to her because he truly and genuinely can never love anyone the way he loved sirius. but at the same time, she is all he has left, the only person who is still consistently caring for him, who's there, and he does care for her too. but the more he tries to tell her to just leave him, that she deserves better, the more she digs her heels in and insists that he can love her if he just gives her a chance.

and u guys know me, i love coming up with the angstiest scenarios possible, so i imagine this like. really unhealthy situation where one night tonks transforms to make herself look more like sirius--maybe just the hair, or the eyes, or both--and remus is like please don't do this, please don't do this, but tonks is like you like me like this don't you? don't you?? and remus !!! it's like. what does he have?? except ghosts, and memories, and imitations? and he knows tonks isn't sirius, he knows that, and he knows she never will be, but she's so much like him--so much like him before the war, the same mischief and laughter and brightness, and he can't hold sirius, but he can hold this person who looks so much like sirius, who reminds him in so many ways of sirius, and just....i think he'd fall apart. and he'd let her pick up the pieces, even knowing that there's no way it won't just end up hurting them both.

so. that is my vision for canon-compliant remadora, and honestly i think it fits well with the like. very rapid elopement + pregnancy and then remus freaking out about the pregnancy and trying to leave with harry, because suddenly it's all too real, and he never wanted to be a father, and he doesn't know what do with a kid and a wife and this life that he's sort of fallen into with his grief. which...yeah not a great situation for anyone involved! and obviously this is just one interpretation and it's me specifically interpreting canon in a way that is like. very angsty and unhealthy and fucked up, because that's just the kind of thing i like to write :)

#feel like remadora is a very contentious topic in the fandom so #trusting u guys to understand that this is just ONE interpretation of canon #i like to think abt the most painful possible scenarios and this is one of those

[fated-normal-767]

Basil ghost story 👉👈??

Also, you mentioned that Yuki’s last name was fake, what does that entail/how did she get it?

:] this requires a good bit of context

Yuki just made up the last name, however she’s technically related to one of the main families in the story who have the surname Usotsuki. This is because the worlds most deranged time traveler, Aion, fucked up the space time continuum by saving her partner Hannah Usotsuki from a car crash that happened 18 years before the present time. Yuki appears as a combination of those two people and Theoretically, their child. So while that could be her last name, she doesn’t use it. The Usotsukis are like… potentially the most important family in that plot, and Shimmer Usotsuki is the starting character of the story because their “skill”/power makes them the most convenient starting point. But those guys are a whole damn novel of family drama and a good bit of legal and governmental corruption.

On that point, Ares Usotsuki, who I think of as the dictionary definition of a pathetic wet cat of a man, hallucinated a ghost so severely that it Just Started Existing. This is due to him having severe issues. There is one other hallucination he sees and that is his dead father Oulixes (BAD GUY.) and that’s important later.

The ghost’s name is Wrath. And he is some kind of “embodiment” of Ares’ worst traits and the way they think everyone thinks of them. He can slightly interact with the world but very barely, and, so Ares doesn’t have to deal with this thing haunting him, he is sent to ‘spy on’ Zephyrus.

Zephyrus is the most irritating guy in the world, imagine if a ceo was so powerful he could literally just beat anyone up if he wanted to and no one could sue him or Anything. Everyone hates him. He’s Basil’s father. You know I mentioned Basil trying to kill their entire family?

IMPORTANT NOTE! Zephyrus doesn’t fit properly into this yet. He’s a replacement for a character I couldn’t use anymore so there’s still plot holes I’ve not fixed.

Basically. There’s a ghost with no explanation of why he’s there. He hasn’t got a clue what’s supposed to happen. He just knows fundamentally that it’s meant to be his ‘role’ to be a bad person and hurt Ares. But he’s stuck interacting with this cunt of a ceo who only hasn’t killed him because he physically isn’t there. But to Wrath it’s “This guy hasn’t killed me. Ergo he likes me. Ergo he is my only friend. I need to make sure this guy likes me and get him coffees and make sure no one kills him.”

And Zephyrus is an absolute twat. He’s not a redeemable guy. But everyone always avoids him and there’s this thing he physically can’t hurt even if he’s pissed off. So he tolerates Wrath.

And after a bit, they’re friends. Not by a usual definition, but they’re the only people who tolerate each other and also Wrath would do anything for anyone who is even slightly nice to him.

Basil couldn’t kill Zephyrus yet, as if he wasn’t quite hard to kill, someone else would have done it already. Basil’s “skill” as I’ll call it, is that they can mimic the effects of any plant. For example, poisonous to the touch, or in self preservation, not needing oxygen for a bit. They need to be in the sun for this to work properly. So Basil can’t kill Zephyrus. But if they kill his friend, he’ll be significantly less careful about his own safety. Also it would hurt him and they find that funny.

So Wrath is a ghost formed from a hallucination, can’t interact with objects but can talk to people. Oulixes is a hallucination that can interact with the ghost as neither are completely real, but also can’t talk to anyone other than Ares. And Ares is a poor guy caught up in this whole thing.

So Basil poisons Ares in a way that would make the hallucinations significantly more violent, meaning Oulixes js up to some typically Horrific things and saying things to try and ruin Ares’ life etc etc.

But Wrath is there too, as he’s still fundamentally tied to Ares. And Wrath has, ironically, learnt some form of humanity from The Worst Guy Ever. So he tries to defend Ares, starting with ‘I mean we’d all die if he did’ and ending up at ‘I don’t care what happens to me but I won’t let [Oulixes] hurt him when he’s done nothing wrong’

So Basil had it all planned out so that Oulixes (hallucination) would end up killing Wrath. And it worked. Ares lives through this he’s just soooo fucked up and unwell. About everything really.

👍 I love putting characters through extreme horrors.

#wrath technically continues to play a part in the game but he’s #Different #imagine died and came back wrong except they were dead to start with #and now they’re alive #vaguely #wrath comes back as lucifer #who’s convinced he spent 3 years in America even though it was only 1 month for all the other characters #Lucifer is a bunch of electric chargers who possessed a pile of sand to get a physical for #*form #*charges #my posts dont forget this tag bro. #theproject. #supporting women’s wrongs 👍 #Basil goes by both Basil and Persephone #Basil is just faster to type

[homemade-ghosts]

Do you think the triangle storyline this season is a detriment to EJ and Gina's growth as individuals? I honestly don't this so but I keep seeing this argument and I'd like to know your opinion on it.

I think being in any relationship is a detriment to EJ's growth. Not only has he canonically never spent Valentines Day (except the last one) without a girlfriend, more importantly, he’s learned absolutely nothing from any of the relationships he’s been in. pws always want to claim that he’s had so much character development, but that’s just simply not true. It only appeared that way because EJ wasn’t in a relationship during s2, which allowed much of the audience to forget about the kind of guy he becomes when he’s dating someone. Out of sight, out of mind...but that doesn’t mean EJ ever actually changed.

Nini sang “All I Want” two full seasons ago and the verse she wrote about EJ still applies to him (”found a guy told me I was star, he held the door, held my hand in the dark. He’s perfect on paper, but he’s lying to my face, does he think that I’m the kind of girl who needs to be saved?”) He’d still rather lie to his girlfriend and act like he did it for her benefit (in s1, that was poisoning Emily so Nini could get the lead in the camp musical. Nini was, rightfully, upset because not only was that a truly awful thing to do to someone, but it also made her feel like EJ didn’t believe in her enough to think she could get the lead on her own, playing into her insecurities. & in s3, it was hiding that letter from Gina, even after she went out of her way to tell him about her big news first, playing into her insecurities). 

I believe EJ, ultimately, has the best of intentions at heart, but that’s not the point. The point is that he keeps doing all the wrong things and this time he’s not even making an effort to fix it or apologize for it. At least s1 EJ wrote Nini a whole song about sorry he was and FaceTime’d Emily Pratt to apologized for giving her food poisoning. s3 EJ knew Gina wanted to spend the day with him, to win Color War together and what did he do? Instead of being there for her, he completely disregards what she wants and goes off to get directorial tips from Miss Jenn, missing her big basketball moment. He knew what she wanted and he didn’t listen because he thought he knew better.

He’s also just as uncommunicative and jealous as ever. Despite the fact that Ricky & Gina both asked him to come ghost searching in the woods with them, he preceded to call Gina out in front of everyone for going off with her “secret late night hiking buddy Ricky” the night before (hypocrite). This is pretty similar to that time in s1 where he went through Nini’s phone and, because he didn’t trust that there wasn’t something going on between her and Ricky, deletes Ricky’s voicemail to her.

& then, even though he’s consistently jealous of Ricky for being there for Gina in a way he can’t/won’t, EJ keeps going to Ricky to ask what’s up with Gina (”why is Gina mad at me?” “Gina hasn’t laughed at one of my jokes since, like, Wednesday.”) instead of just talking to Gina herself. 

So, EJ is fundamentally incapable of being in a good relationship and always has been, for the reasons listed above, but my hope is that this triangle storyline will actually help propel his character development...once he & Gina break up. He needs to recognize his own faults, take responsibility for them and commit to improving himself and I’d like to think that Gina breaking up with him will be the kick in the ass EJ needs to realize that.

Now, onto Gina. Do I think the triangle inhibits her growth in any way? Absolutely not. Gina’s relationship with EJ is teaching her not to see someone through rose-colored glasses. It’s teaching her that she deserves someone who’s going to go out of his way to be there for her, who can celebrate her success wholeheartedly and selflessly. Someone who doesn’t hide things from her. It’s teaching her that she can’t put all of herself into a relationship and accept the bare minimum in return. She deserves better, more. She shouldn’t settle for less, shouldn’t have to compromise herself in order to feel loved and seen in a relationship. Much like how Nini, among other things, taught Ricky what an unhealthy relationship looks like, EJ is teaching Gina the same thing. Sometimes you have to know what you don’t want before you can say what you do.

This triangle allows Gina to realize that she only ever loved the idea of EJ, that he was never going to be what she needed or wanted, and that’s okay. It allows the audience to see how much Ricky has changed/grown and lets Gina see just how much Ricky loves her. & it will, hopefully, give EJ an opening to realize that he needs to own up to his own mistakes and work to change them. 

So, ideally, this triangle ends with everyone better off because of it.

#also i don't understand how anyone could suggest this triangle inhibits gina's growth #when she is (eventually) going to end up with ricky partly as a result of it & their relationship is the epitome of growth #hsmtmts #hsmtmts s3 #asks #anon

[thompsborn]

hello @ the anon whose birthday was yesterday: i’m very sorry i didn’t get hb chapter 16 done, i tried but things came up that made it so i wasn’t able to make a lot of progress on it, BUT i hope you had an incredible birthday and i will probably wish you a happy birthday in the authors note on the chapter when i do eventually post it! however, i promised that if i didn’t get the chapter done then i would post some snippets from it for you!! it’s a day late now, but here they are!!

firstly, i’m gonna tell you the chapter song!!

medicine by havelin

the chapter title:

when i first saw you i was pitiful

and the chapter lyrics:

“i hope you know

you pulled me up when i was down

you showed me love when i knew hopelessness

breathing slowly, softer sounds”

and now, a few snippets! (these are unedited as of now, so any typos and grammar errors should be fixed when the chapter is actually posted lol)

-

The song changes—BomBom transitions into Talking to Myself by Watsky.

Peter lets out a slow, shaky breath as the music washes over him, the introductory instrumental quickly giving way to the lyric heavy majority. On the next swing, he flings himself to the side, off of the street and above a nearby apartment building. Letting himself drop to the roof, he rolls onto his feet and gives himself a moment to look around for security cameras. Once he’s sure that it’s clear, he pulls his mask up—not all the way off, but just enough to hook it over the bridge of his nose, allowing the crisp late-winter air to ease the sudden ache in his lungs.

These songs mean a lot to him, even if he still struggles to understand them. Harley is pretty straightforward in a lot of ways, tends to wear his heart on his sleeve and make his cards known, but Peter’s started to realize the fact that maybe that isn’t entirely true. Harley definitely seems like an open book, but Peter had absolutely zero indication of the fact that he knew Tony, too. Thinking back on it, Tony had mentioned another kid every once in a while. Not very often, always making it clear that it was someone he knew but someone who didn’t want to be talked about, but even then, not once had Peter considered the fact that the kid Tony mentioned could have been Harley. His friend. His crush. A very fundamental part of who he is now.

Basically, Peter thought he could guess with Harley, thought he knew more than enough to be able to decipher Harley’s brain and understand the way he thinks—but then Harley gave him the burned CD. Despite it being over a month since Peter received it, he still doesn’t fully understand. Each song has a meaning, right? Harley made that clear in his note. Either the song made him think of Peter in some way, or he thought Peter would like the song, or both.

Peter is a puzzle solver. He’s a quick thinker with the brain of a chemist, a scientist, an engineer. He likes to look at inconclusive data and figure out a conclusion for it. But this? These songs?

…but as time advanced, the lovely days were covered up from view by an advancing melancholy haze that hovered near the dew…

Peter has yet to decipher them.

-

His fingers twitch at his sides and he spins around, pulling his mask back over his nose and mouth before promptly launching himself off the roof. He feels antsy. Restless. Thoughtless swinging is a good way to distract that feeling and give his brain the ability to stay on track. “What’s up?”

“Nothing, really,” Harley replies, the concern from before falling away. “I got bored. Harry and Gwen are at some study group for one of their classes and I was trying to do this essay, but it’s… I mean, it’s boring. Really easy, you know? Kinda hard to focus on ‘cause the topic is super simple and not at all interesting. I know I wasn’t gonna stop by today, but I was—I mean. I…” Here, Harley trails off, sounding uncertain of his words.

Peter launches himself over an intersection. Below him, a few cars honk as he flies over them. He waves but remains focused on the call, listening as Harley sucks in a sharp breath, lets it out slowly, almost… nervous? Anxious? Afraid? Peter frowns, parts his lips to ask—

“I was just wondering if you’d maybe wanna hang out,” Harley blurts, a bit rushed and breathy. Peter’s frown deepens, confused. “Just, like—like, a normal hang out.”

“As opposed to…?”

Harley huffs, something that’s kind of a laugh but also not his normal laugh. “No investigation stuff,” he supplies. “No Spidey stuff. No school stuff. Just… us. Hanging out. Together.” Then, almost as an afterthought, he adds, “Maybe a movie and some snacks…?”

-

(“It’s stupid,” Peter said when it was his turn, hands clasped around his cup of coffee and eyes flittering around their booth to avoid direct eye contact. “It’s kind of embarrassing, actually.”

Gwen quirked her brows. “Well, now you have to tell us. Is it Boss Baby?”

“50 First Dates?” Harry ventured. “Bring It On?”

An offended gasp ripped its way out of Gwen’s throat as she whipped around to face Harry sitting across from her. “Hey! Bring It On is a classic, okay? Don’t you dare—“

“Okay, lesbian,” Harry interrupted, rolling his eyes. Gwen parted her lips again, but slowly closed them with a glare after a moment. Peter snorted and shook his head.

“No, it’s, like—it’s not the movie that’s embarrassing, I guess? It’s more… the reason why.”

Harley was sitting across from him, head cocked slightly to the side as he peered at Peter curiously. “Mine’s The Pursuit Of Happyness,” he offered. It wasn’t his turn—he wasn’t supposed to go until after Peter—but still he spoke up, explaining, “It’s kind of fucked up, I think, but it’s, like… I mean, my dad left before I was ten, right? And I don’t really give a shit anymore—it’s basically been a decade, I’m over it for the most part, but…” He trailed off, averting his eyes away from Peter despite Peter looking back at him with surprise.

Harley has mentioned his dad a few times since they met, but only vaguely, here and there. Every time has been apathetic and deadpan, done as soon as it began, but this…

“I just—I guess I like stories where there’s a good dad, you know?” Harley shrugged, lopsided as he shrunk back in his seat a little bit. “Maybe it doesn’t make sense, but I like to see proof that there are good ones out there. Just because mine sucked doesn’t mean all of them do.”

Silence hung over their booth for a long moment. Harry looked understanding as he knocked his shoulder against Harley’s, sharing a small smile that Harley looks hesitant to return, while Gwen looked on with something a bit sad but a bit warm on her face, like she was upset about Harley having this struggle but she was glad that Harley was sharing. Peter kept his gaze on Harley, refused to move it away, waiting until Harley eventually looked back up and their eyes met across the table. Only then did Peter speak.

“Homeward Bound,” he said, gaze steady on Harley. He saw the way Harley’s brows twitched together, the way he seemed to think for a moment, before his eyes went a little bit wide, apparently realizing exactly what movie Peter was talking about. “The one with the animals.”

The booth was silent again. Harley stared back at him.

Peter found that it wasn’t as hard as he thought it would be to explain, “It was one of May’s favorites. She was a nurse for a long time, you know? Wasn’t until after we came back from those five years that she decided to change it up. Before that, she worked in an emergency room. Sometimes in the ICU, when she was needed. She saw… a lot of things.”

He heard Harry shift in his seat. Felt Gwen’s eyes on him. He didn’t look away from Harley, didn’t even want to blink, and Harley continued to look right back. Gave a small nod, barely there, hard to see—but Peter saw it and felt the encouragement coming from that small action.

“She didn’t tell me about it,” Peter continued. “Some stuff, here and there, when I got older, but for the most part she kept it to herself, but I could tell when it had been a rough day. She’d come home looking like she aged ten years. And after a really rough day, she—I mean, she wouldn’t say it, but I could tell that she just needed a chance to get the emotions out, and she’d pick a movie or a show that has a happy ending but gets pretty sad along the way. Homeward Bound was one of her go-to picks. It’s a good movie, you know? Always made her cry but had her smiling at the end. I’d always watch it with her. It became one of my favorites.”

There’s more to it than that. Peter faltered, unsure if he wanted to keep going, but something in Harley’s eyes was shining and he felt some unexpected courage bubble up in his chest.

He still hesitated, but ultimately added, “It also… I think about May when I watch it, you know? Because I always watched it with her, but it also…” He trailed off, pondered his wording for a minute, before stating, “There were reasons it got to me, too. It’s emotional in a lot of ways and May always had a soft spot for animal movies, which I think is why she always picked it, but for me, it… it was kind of nice to see a family come together like that. I didn’t have that, you know? I don’t really remember my parents. I barely remember Ben. Looking back on it, I only really remember having May, and I love her, and I’m so grateful that I had her, but it was—”

Just lay it out. It’s just me and you.

I’m right here. We’re okay. It’s just me and you.

It’s just me and you, okay?

Pulling in a shaky breath, Peter said, “It was just me and her. I wouldn’t trade that for the world, but there were times growing up where I would think about what it could have been like if I had been raised by my parents, if Ben never died. Kind of like what you said, Harley, about wanting to see proof that there are good dads out there, right? That kind of logic. I want…”

Harley looked sad. He looked heavy. He looked like he wanted to go back in time and save Peter’s parents himself. Like he wanted to use Tony’s tech to prevent Ben from dying.

“I want to have that reassurance that not everyone ends up like me,” Peter finally said.

With that, he looked away—down at the table, at his cup of coffee. He went quiet and waited until the others picked up conversation, apparently realizing that he was done talking for the time being. Even then, he didn’t look up. Not until he felt something hit his foot, and then he glanced at Harley, who was still looking at him with something horribly sad and overwhelmingly fond in his eyes. Harley hooked their ankles together under the table. Smiled.

Peter slowly, slowly, slowly smiled back.)

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happy birthday anon!!!

#homeward bound fic #homeward bound fic spoilers #parkner #my writing