#it’s not her fault i didn’t feel like myself

[gently-decaying-flowers]

something really sad happened to me

over the summer i ghosted everyone- i was going through a bit of a crisis and it did actually help me out a ton but it wasn’t great for my friends

i was really good friends with this girl last year…. and when i ghosted everyone it was a lot more extreme with her. i explained how i felt like i didn’t really fit in with her anymore, because i didn’t. i felt weird and outcast, probably because i was the only queer one in our trio too- but that’s not the point.

i’m involved in a production at my school right now, last night was opening night- and there’s this thing where audience members can write little post it’s to the cast.

it’s important to note here that i have some weird photographic memory when it comes to faces, posture, and handwriting. i can easily identify people.

anyways- i thought i saw her in the audience but i wasn’t sure until she wrote me a letter. she didn’t sign her name but i knew her handwriting. it actually brought me to tears because i realize how badly i miss talking to her.

so today i messaged her, explaining that what i did was shitty and i’m sorry. i don’t deserve forgiveness, or expect it… but she hasn’t even opened the message. if anything i just want her to see it.

i know she probably won’t forgive me, and that bond will be hard to build again. but i miss her a lot. and i’m really happy she wrote me something, it means she doesn’t despise me at the least.

#eden rambles #it made me so sad #i feel awful really #she was such a good friend- it’s not her fault i didn’t know who i was #it’s not her fault i didn’t feel like myself #i would really love to be her friend again #but maybe we both changed too much

[isfjmel-phleg]

This is a personal post.

#random personal stuff #personal whining ahead feel free to ignore #I made the mistake of dipping into the folder of emails from That Man (which I've kept just in case) #just to see if I could take it I guess? which was a mistake #they're full of pretentious rambling and posturing and jargon to establish himself as The Authority #then they drip with flattery: he says I'm brilliant and have so much potential to live up to etc. etc. #but then the little jabs - and the big jabs - the condescending 'I know you can do this' #he would rip me apart in class until I quit speaking up because I was afraid #and then send me emails informing me that my participation grade was lowish and I needed to work on 'playing the game' #and tell me that I was free to disagree! but it had to be based on more than silence #as if he didn't know that he was the reason I shut down #you're not really free to disagree if disagreeing means you get mocked and belittled? #so I couldn't even protect myself from the verbal attacks because I had to provide him fodder for mockery or else get marked down #he made me apologize to a classmate for my 'reticence and impatience' during her presentation on a loaded topic #that I didn’t want to discuss my views on in front of him #and he was so so careful in those emails not to say the worst things but in class...! #and my replies were so subservient #I wouldn't bend on my views but I wanted approval so badly as if what scum like him thought actually mattered #it's over now he's not my problem I know it was not my fault #do I still want to scream at him? yes #do I still want to tell the VP of academic affairs (my old adviser/mentor) the whole story? yes (can't - pointless now) #anyway I am going to go do chores and move on with my day thank you for listening

[aroaessidhe]

2024 reads / storygraph

A Botanical Daughter

historical fantasy

a taxidermist and botanist who live in a greenhouse in a botanical garden, far away from the disapproval of Victorian London

when they receive a shipment of a strange sentient fungi, they cultivate it inside a corpse of a recently murdered girl - who was the best friend/lover of their new housekeeper

as she grows and expands her desires they have to deal with their feelings about the potential monster they’ve created

#A Botanical Daughter #aroaessidhe 2024 reads #man I really wanted to like this but I kinda had to force myself to finish it. #really not a fan of the writing style which is very emotionally distant and full of a lot of telling not showing #it could have gotten weird and atmospheric with the writing style! we could have gotten sentient fungi POV! but no. #The characters were flat. the conceptually weird/creepy/horror aspects were executed in the most boring way #the relationship between the men is something we’re told exists but…. I don’t feel it. I don’t like them as characters. #They’re not even interesting enough to hate - or like it could have gone in the direction of embracing the unhinged murder couple vibes #they flip flop between angry arguments and making up and I’m like what is the point of that?? Honestly I didn’t feel any emotional connecti #it kinda feels like it doesn’t know whether it’s whimsical quirky-cozy vibes or like properly gothic horror #it’s somewhere in between & fails at both. it maybe suffers from trying to play into the popularity of coziness #the closest to weird we get is plant lesbian sex scene but also I laughed out loud when I read the line ‘hungry for her loam’ #like…..these men essentially create this person then cut her off from the world and her biological desires; control her autonomy/ability #to speak and the conclusion is <3 what a weird little family <3 and not she should #escape and kill them and/or make them grapple with the fact they are at fault for this potential ecological disaster let loose on the world #there’s also weird colonialist lines scattered throughout that don’t feel super interrogated…

[makkie-is-screaming]

I should fucking kill myself

#I have this anger and dislike towards my little brother that’s totally unwarranted like he’s 10 it’s just my issues #n whenever I feel his hatred towards him I want to gut myself like #it’s not his fault that my moms a better mom for him n that he’s not scared of her #It’s not his fault that my dads sober and present for him #it’s not his fault that my older brother is a good brother to him n has never hurt him #it’s not his fault he’s not scared of telling someone he’s hurt or of getting food #it’s not his fault he parrots all of my parents insane conservative views #but I still hold so much anger and resentment #When I look at him I see him getting all the things I never got and being free of the traumas I went through #and I know it’s good and I’m happy he’s grown up in a safer environment but I’m so angry that I didn’t have those parents #and I know he’s also missing so many things I got #But it fucking hurts seeing how loved and safe he is and wishing I had been that innocent at that age #like when he’s fighting with my mom it’s over school work n video games n then he thinks he can talk shit ??? #when I was fighting with my mom it was bc she came home from work in a rage #when I was mad at my dad it was because he got drunk n came home n yelled at my mom until she was crying in a corner then left #When I was screaming at my older brother it’s because I was tired of him hurting me not because he called me a name #I’m a horrible sister to him and I hate it because when he was a baby I was so fiercely protective of him and so happy to be his sister #I watched his shows with him and kept him entertained when my parents got bad n I promised myself I’d take care of him the way I never was #but I failed n now I can barely stand being around him #like I’m such a good sister to my sister but that’s it #n it makes me feel worse about my relationship w my brother bc I know I can be better but I’m just a horrible jealous bitch who should die #screaming

[astral-catastrophe]

I hate how this girl said I was her best friend.

Her best fucking friend in the whole fucking world.

Then the next I know. My simple question about her coming to a thing after class turned into an hours long argument over Snapchat because she was too much of a coward to say it in person. Or over text. A phone call. Snapchat. A place where her messages would be gone the second I saw them.

Then the way she switched between “you did nothing wrong” and. The “you did everything wrong”.

Then the. “Okay maybe I should have done a b and c.” But the phrasing and her perfectly posed self was a grab for me to immediately assure her she’s fine and did nothing wrong. I’ve seen her do it to others and explain it to me.

So I answered with a simple. “Yea. You should have.”

And so I stopped reaching out. It was always me who would reach out in the first place. So seeing that she won’t do the same and is clearly fine with her entire damned “friend group” angry with her over how she treated me? Everyone I showed her messages too said that no, I wasn’t crazy for seeing manipulation in her words. Because I was being actively manipulated through her sympathy pulls.

So. I was her best friend. But now that I told her how I felt about the crap she’s pulled, that’s five years down the drain.

Five years. Five whole years??

I meant so little to her that she would rather hang out with exclusively her boyfriend and not her actual friends, just because I’m me.

Just because I am who I am. Just because I decided I wouldn’t stand for any shit from anyone.

All because I asked if she was coming to something after school.

I hate the whole victim mentality stuff. Like. I can see. Did I say things I should not have? Oh probably, but did I say it in defense? Did I say it because I’ve been trying to live by my brutal honesty? Did I say it because I was tired of being treated like that? Did I say it because I’ve had too many awful friends?

Did I say all that because I hadn’t talked to someone who claimed to be my best friend in over a month because she wouldn’t make efforts to meet me halfway?

I spoke from a position of someone who wanted their friend back and only tried to defend themself.

Should I have told her that it’s upsetting that she never makes the effort to be around any of us anymore? I’m not sure.

But she shouldn’t have blown up on me for a simple question. She created a problem, singled herself out, then took out all her issues on me. We were best friends, as you claimed. So fucking explain why I haven’t properly seen or talked to you since the beginning of November, which was three ish weeks before this all went to hell. If we were best friends, you wouldn’t have abandoned me for a boy you’ve known for nine months now.

Nine months, verses five years. She wanted me as her maid of honor to her wedding with this guy. She wanted me to help wedding plan.

We’re still kids. I refuse to take part in that.

Especially since the last time I saw her it was in the hallway between classes. She excitedly came up to me, acting like nothing was wrong. My fight or flight kicked in and I booked it because the anxiety was so so high from an out of character moment.

But I hate myself for wondering if I want her back. I hate myself because no matter what I said the outcome would have been the same. Because no matter what I’ll do or could have done it’s always gonna be her boyfriend over me. I’m the second choice. The fallback.

Do I really want her back over the nights I’ve spent near hysterics. It’s almost five am and I’ve been up for hours anxiety ridden and thinking through so much.

Do I want her back after her manipulating me? Would I be able to look her in the eye without seeing the “I have an issue with you acting like I'm the bad person” and the “I know you do care. But I haven't heard a single fucking word until today” and the “And then you blowing up on me for not communicating. I stopped trying to communicate because when I do I barely get a response” ?

I communicated more to her than I did to anyone else. Anyone else. I dropped things I wanted to do to see her. I didn’t blow up. I only asked a simple question.

Am I horrible for asking a question, then defending myself when being accused of stuff that’s not true? Because oh man. I shouldn’t have said a word. Next time I’ll keep my silence because my words are too sharp and too true for people to handle.

#Thanks to the dissociation every time I look back on it I see it as like. An outsider almost. #Like there’s no way on earth that I lost the girl who called me her best friend like that. What happened to the girl I used to know. #The one who messed with my hair and helped me through anxiety attacks. The one who would tell me anything because she trusted me #And because she wanted my opinions and input. #It’s like. I am not a victim here and don’t want to make myself out to be one. #I made poor choices in responding so defensively. #But I didn’t deserve that. #If it happened to a friend of mine instead of me. Id rule the same. #It’s her fault. Because no matter who I put in my place. In my shoes. No matter who it is. #I’m still feeling angry for what she said. Even when I’ve derealized the situation to a point that it doesn’t feel like it happened to me. #So I can see how my irls are angry with her. While I’m just. Indifferent. Numb. And hating myself for it.

[kavehater]

I wish I could inject pasilyo into my brain so I can have permanent happiness

#There’s this specific part of the song #It srsly alters my brain chemistry #Anyways #i hate tumblr sm #Idk like I Gen hate being on here sm #No matter what account I make no matter if I tell ppl about it whether I don’t tell ppl I just hate this place soooo much #Like if I have a following it sucks because it’s rlly lonely if I don’t it’s still lonely and then if there’s nobody at all it’s lonely #Loneliness is what got me to discord boy so like :D #The fact I am genuinely missing him sm I’m gonna krill myself 😻🙏 #Also I think I hate talking to minors cause these kids be letting themselves get groomed all the time I’m so tired of seeing it #The creep in my course is being so weird to Raisa who is a minor … I can’t help but think it’s all my fault … I invited her to the pharm gc #To show her how messy it was …. #I didn’t expect her to follow and accept requests of everyone … #Anyways I just am so annoyed. Like I wish I could have one person just one where I can be confident in being their no.1 but every time I th #Think I’m maybe somewhere high up on someone’s list of important ppl I realise I overestimated my position even tho I’m rlly self conscious #And being myself down over that. Also I still hate Eid. I hate Eid sm. How do ppl genuinely enjoy Eid. Idk if I’ve ever been excited for Ei #It’s like I’m just suddenly getting more sick of ppl by the day. I Gen don’t like talking to ppl at all even tho I used to rely on talking #To others like its sustenance now it’s just such a hassle to me because I’m so sick of being unimportant to literally every single person I #Have ever known. Literally everyone except maybe dahlia idk. the only person who has never gotten mad/snapped at me o is dahlia #And knowing my luck that will soon be taken from me too. Anyways good riddance to tumblr i loathe this site and im sick of the mind games #All the time from just existing on here. Gen makes me feel ill. I’m so sick of that girl I like and sick of everyone. The only time ppl car #Is when I cause a scene. And ykw atp I loathe being showed sympathy and pity for these sorts of posts because it just feels like a big joke #Cause why couldn’t you just care when I was fine. Why do you ONLY care when I’ve had enough of your bad behaviour. How does one make someon #Like me go mad with all these things #Istg if I come back to this dumb site whether to this acc to the tora one or my other account everyone has permission to beat me up. #dora daily #Tldr;I HATE ppl and everyone ever + I’m just sick of pretending like everyone doesn’t suck cause how can ppl be so insufferable intolerable #Insane horrible in every way and ppl like them. How do they live with themselves when they’re this aggravating. Every day I hate ppl more #Because their mannerisms their everything is just so embarrassing. #Essay tags 😻😻😻

[subtlesolitude-tailoredtaste]

I wish I could go back in time and abort me in my moms belly. If I was really wishing I’d wish for Italy in 1930s to occupy just a little longer May have been able to colonize the fucking country been a nice better future for my mom and her family. Buuuut noooooo Mussolini got punked by thee incel and nazis and war and genocide and the carving and raping of ppls and countries by European terrorists ruined everything. Let the commies in and destroy everything and ppl had to flee home nations flee continents marry and have babies with the weakest links of humanity just to move to western nations and repeat the fuckery the familial obligations the societal structure the it doesn’t matter it’s done.

#it shouldn’t be this hard #I think it’s all me sometimes #I know it’s not always #but that’s when you need siblings or friends fam you grew up with that know you #to tell you it’s you or nah it’s not you #but I don’t #but I didn’t #and now I think I need to leave to succeed #but every time I start to she hits me with passive aggressive then very aggressive mom guilt and projection and gas lighting & manipulation #it’s not her fault #I used to think it was mine #but I didn’t ask to be born #I wish she had the discernment and wisdom before giving birth to me #I wish she had did what she had to do to me when I was a fetus #I feel like my almost bros and sis were shown a mercy I was not #I have failed #and there is nothing anyone can do about it #I feel full of numbness #it is stunting me and has me stuck locked in hopelessness #i am so tried of myself #so tired so tired so tired so tired vm g #constant miscommunication #overly sensitive and very aggressive and scary all around me #I’ve been walking on broken glass egg shells since 5 #what is sacrifice #can you do it wrong #how long will I last #what a waste #that is my biggest sin

[deityofhearts]

i think also I’m just so quick to like genuinely love and care about people and I cling to the people I care about but like obvs people won’t have the same amount of affection for me as I do them and that’s also something i need to learn to be okay with

#deity dialogue #it’s a problem I’ve had like as long as I can remember #I love people so much and I hate it so much #because I just give as much of my love as I can to people and i end up getting myself hurt as a result and it’s rarely the other persons #fault #I only place blame on them if they’re knowingly and actively being hurtful ya know? #cough my mom cough #I also just have this in combination with rsd and relationship based trauma (also my moms fault lol) and it’s like #I wish I could care less I wish I didn’t like her attached to people so easily and I wish I could be fine with normal relationships #I either am really hard to befriend (I am scared of people at first and only tentatively let people into my life and then I gain affection #for them so fast once I start letting down my walls) #it’s just ugh. ugh ugh ugh #almost every relationship I’m in is also terrifying I’m so scared of losing people love and friendship #I constantly feel like one day people will wake up and be tired of me and it makes me want to cry

[raeathnos]

.

#oh I am straight up not having a good time rn #long story short I got in a big ducking fight with my mom yesterday over something dumb #it’s complicated and I don’t want to talk about it #but it was my fault and I did apologize #there’s some shit she did in the past that’s related that I know I’m never getting a fucking apology for but whatever #but I can tell she’s pissed and my apology wasn’t enough #and I know her well enough to know that she’s going to let it sit and stew #and in sometime in the near future when we’re both alone she’s gonna explode at me #very much not in a good mental place for that and not looking forward to it #in the mean time I feel like I gotta walk on eggshells and my anxiety is fucked cause I’m just waiting to be exploded at #I’m disappointed in myself because I feel like I acted like she does which is something I try very hard not to do #but also like I did apologize which is something she never does #which also has me upset #this was over something small and stupid and she’ll turn it into the biggest shit and how I’m a terrible daughter and all that #meanwhile I went through so much shit from her as a kid included getting disowned multiple times #for really stupid reasons (didn’t like that I was a tomboy - was personally insulted that I was depressed) #and Ive never gotten an apology for any of those and know I never will #and additionally know not to talk about them because she’ll just twist things and play the victim #so I guess the gist of it is I’m mad at her and I’m mad at myself for how I acted but also that this is #bringing back a lot of bad memories I’d rather not remember right now #also it was inventory today so I had to be up at 2am and I only got like an hour and a half of sleep #so I’m dying physically mentally and emotionally atm #I am straight up having a bad time #it’s the not knowing when I’m going to get screamed at that’s getting to me rn #my anxiety is so bad #I need to get out of here

[bo0zey]

being the oldest daughter raised by a narcissistic emotionally abusive father is just…👩‍🍳👌💋

#i don’t know why i always end up crying when i know exactly what to expect from him #the constant belittling then turning around and crying victim on how i ‘hurt’ him bc he can’t accept the fact that he did something wrong #i know i shouldn’t expect anything from him but it’s like this stupid fucking useless part of me during these moments is just #so heartbroken and frustrated because it’s not fair the child in me just wants to have a dad that cares and sees her as a human #nobody fuckjng cares if they hurt me and i don’t care if they hurt me either that’s why i hurt me too #he’s supposed to be my dad he’s my only parent left and he never should’ve been a parent to begin #i can’t believe how easily he turns things on me saying it’s my fault i never come talk to him and it’s like how the fuck #you were barely basically nonexistent the first 5 years of my life then barely there from then on out #how could i ever come to you how could i trust you just because i’m your daughter by blood doesn’t mean you’re not a stranger to me #you’re supposed to be the adult you’re my father you’re supposed to come to me and guide me why are you such a helpless fucking child #i do everything on my own i have nothing to say to you just like you have nothing to say to me #small talk only does so much i don’t want to talk to him i don’t care about our relationship #i’m just literally flabbergasted at the audacity he has to gaslight and manipulate me and ply victim when i’m the one he keeps hurting #it just reinforces the idea that my feelings are invalid my feelings have been invalid to him for the past 23years #i wish i was emotionless and unfeeling i wish he didn’t have the power to affect my emotions so strongly #i’m such a little kid i wish my mom was here i wish someone wanted to protect me and talk to me and at least try to understand me #i can’t wait to be dead i just want this to be over i’m just wasting time taking up someone else’s space #i think the only time i’ll be genuinely happy is when i’m dead #i don’t remember the last time i was actually happy unless i’m distracting myself #i’m constantly maladaptive daydreaming and when i’m not i’m at work trying to be a functioning an adult #but as soon as i’m home i’m back in my dream world where i don’t have to think about me at all #when gerard said When i grow up i want to be nothing at All that man read my my mind #ramblings #vent

[reveriesmp3]

five years worth of anger

#tw sa #found out that the guy I dated twice and did fwb with after the second time dating #sexually assaulted one of my best friends this past summer #she’s asexual and made that clear when they started dating and several months into the relationship she woke up to him touching her #I’m so disgusted that I had such a close relationship and friendship with him for years and never knew he would do something like that #and I feel partially responsible for what he did to her #because he did a similar thing to a lesser degree when we were together #i was blackout drunk and he was sober. and I slept in his car at a party #he claimed that I tried to initiate sex but he didn’t touch me #and I believed him at the time #but after hearing what he did to her I’ll never be able to trust his word #i keep thinking that if I had pressed him about that #or had a backbone at any point during our relationships #he wouldn’t have had the nerve to do what he did to her #I’m the only one of our friends she’s told #everyone else is still close friends with him because they don’t know #and she doesn’t want anyone to cut him off because of it #but I’m positive that anyone in her life would never speak to him again if they knew he was a rapist #i spent years convincing myself that he was a good guy #that I deserved the way he treated me and that it was my fault #but now I know #he’s the worst hypocrite I’ve ever met #i feel physically sick that I spent so much time caring about him and supporting him #and telling him that he’d never be like his father #just for him to do that #to one of the people I love most in the world #I’ve never been this angry before in my life #and I’ll wait until she’s ready to talk about it #because he deserves for everyone he loves to find out what an irredeemably awful person he is

[lukesbenward]

anyway gonna order food and probably get yelled at for that too!!

#she also threw something at me when we got home #because she went to the grocery store and one of the packages of something opened while in the car apparently #but because i was so late it was my fault so she threw the package at me in anger #and it’s just so funny because she says all the time in fake sincerity #that she feels so bad that i don’t ask her to take me more places besides school #and it’s like!! this is why!! if i’m running behind at all she gets furious at me and makes me feel silly and stupid for taking so long #no matter what it is #and it’s equally silly that i put on the calendar the time but it was still too long for her #and i cant even bring it up because she’d be like ‘well it’s ridiculous it took taht long’ to YOU it’s ridiculous but #if i was able to drive myself it wouldn’t effect you at all #you had the opportunity to go home you didn’t and it’s now my fault #just silly #eris: text #[redacted]

[ikkan]

oh, to go back in time and undo the pain i caused. it hurts to know i can’t fix what i’ve done. it wasn’t on purpose. but the damage is done.

#.txt #i had a nice little group of friends in 2019 #lost most of them except one but it’s not the same #i’ve talked many times about confessed feelings #wish i could go back in time to stop myself #but it’s too late #it wasn’t the confession’s fault exactly #but i messed with it without thinking #and lost my great friend #somedays im fine others like today…not so much #it’s been two years but still #i wanna say im over it completely #but im not there yet #it was my first real crush that didn’t feel faked or forced #guess why it hurts so much #i deleted her number long ago but still know her socials #but was unfollowed on everything #that’s a sign to me to back off #i wanna apologize so badly #but i don’t wanna cause more trouble than there needs to be #i wish i could give a sign or something #this hurts worse than a breakup #and like i said…it was two years ago #i feel like i was forgotten by all of them anyways #they used to talk to me and included me in things #i finally felt wanted…but i lost it #this totally sucks….

[totopopopo]

Wahgh now that I am home I am. Thinking about that movie and thinking about my mother and crying into my dog’s stupid forehead

#I love my mother. things have been tense with her and I have no idea why. I feel like she’s judging me for everything I do #I feel like I can’t say anything now adays without her judging me judging my choices judging my life judging something #I feel like I’m doing something wrong and I’m not enough for her and she’s always disappointed and always sad and I don’t know why #and I know I’m not innocent I know I’m partially to blame #I get defensive because I know she’s unhappy with me or judging me so I snap or I am. I’m defensive and snap even when the situation doesn’t #call for it or even when I shouldn’t be defensive bc. it feels like she thinks I’m doing something wrong and that’s the baseline assumption #and so I have to defend myself from that. but then I end up just snapping or being a bitch at the mundane things and that’s my fault #and then she gets upset with me about that and that’s not wrong of her. she has every right to be upset about that I wish I didn’t respond #that way. but then her. idk her unhappiness with that just adds on to her unhappiness with me which makes tensions rise and of course makes #me more defensive and so on #but the thing is most of the time I don’t even know what it is I’ve done what it is I’m doing wrong. what it is she’s unhappy with me for. #I feel like it’s everything. literally everything all the time. it’s this way she looks at me with her mouth drawn. it’s the energy #and I don’t know why #and I hate it and I hate feeling like that when all I want is her approval #literally all I want in the world is her approval and her love #and I know she loves me #I love her. I love her so much. #I wish. I don’t know what I wish. #it’s like joy in that movie. she doesn’t know what she wants but she wants her mother #I don’t know. #it was a rly good movie #even when we got home my mom was. kind of dismissive of it #like she said she likes it #but she seemed. dismissive of it too. like she didn’t. I dunno. #she did the same thing she always does. I don’t know. I guess I do it too maybe I don’t know. #but she didn’t seem to. idk. #and that hurt too #that hurt too #I don’t know #I’m just. gonna go cry about it for the entire night and then try to wake up early enough that I am not yelled at for not waking up

[mostlykind]

I can’t figure out if my feelings are wrong/my own problem or are being created/exacerbated by my friend

#am I just insecure?????? #i don’t hate my body I am rly neutral about it #but ever since my friend started going gym she’s been talking about body image and shit I never think about #like fuckin fat in your tummy or your arms #or gaining weight in your bum #and it’s making me feel shitty about my own body bc it feels as tho she’s trying not to look like me #but that’s my own fault ???? like??? she’s doing her own thing not bothered by MY body #it’s me making it a thing by attaching it to myself #but idk hearing her talk about this stuff is so annoying sometimes cos I’m like oh. i look the way ur trying to avoid ? #man I don’t know #i sound insecure and maybe I am but it was brought on by this ? #when she didn’t go gym I did not care at all???? but suddenly I’m hearing shit and it’s making my insecure??? #maybe I just feel guilty about not being ‘healthy’ and exercising #fuck if I know #i just needed to get this OUTTTTT #rahma’s rambles

[insanechayne]

~ ~ ~

#times like this I wish I had someone I could confess everything to and finally unburden myself #I can’t tell my girlfriend because it would hurt her #I can’t talk to you about it because you’ve made it clear you won’t listen to this or help me with it anymore #I don’t want to tell my therapist but I also don’t see him often enough to handle all these emotions #I don’t want to tell my other close friends because I don’t want them to see me any differently or tarnish my reputation #so who else do I have? #I’m not catholic and I don’t believe in confessing to a priest but I’d almost consider it just to get this off my chest for good #times like this it feels like the weight of these emotions are just going to crush me until I’m nothing #and I have to put my book down for a while because who knew it would cause this response in me #I’ll try to distract myself from this bullshit but I know the anxiety attack will linger in my chest for hours now #it’s my own fault for allowing you into my life that way and getting involved with you when I knew better #but I still wonder why it had to be me that you stumbled upon #just another lesson for me to learn but I didn’t until it was too late and now look at what’s happened to me #I just want my life back to normal #I just want to stop thinking about you or having you flash into my head or feel such pain at our memories #I just want this all to be over with already #personal