#it’s not his fault he parrots all of my parents insane conservative views

[makkie-is-screaming]

I should fucking kill myself

#I have this anger and dislike towards my little brother that’s totally unwarranted like he’s 10 it’s just my issues #n whenever I feel his hatred towards him I want to gut myself like #it’s not his fault that my moms a better mom for him n that he’s not scared of her #It’s not his fault that my dads sober and present for him #it’s not his fault that my older brother is a good brother to him n has never hurt him #it’s not his fault he’s not scared of telling someone he’s hurt or of getting food #it’s not his fault he parrots all of my parents insane conservative views #but I still hold so much anger and resentment #When I look at him I see him getting all the things I never got and being free of the traumas I went through #and I know it’s good and I’m happy he’s grown up in a safer environment but I’m so angry that I didn’t have those parents #and I know he’s also missing so many things I got #But it fucking hurts seeing how loved and safe he is and wishing I had been that innocent at that age #like when he’s fighting with my mom it’s over school work n video games n then he thinks he can talk shit ??? #when I was fighting with my mom it was bc she came home from work in a rage #when I was mad at my dad it was because he got drunk n came home n yelled at my mom until she was crying in a corner then left #When I was screaming at my older brother it’s because I was tired of him hurting me not because he called me a name #I’m a horrible sister to him and I hate it because when he was a baby I was so fiercely protective of him and so happy to be his sister #I watched his shows with him and kept him entertained when my parents got bad n I promised myself I’d take care of him the way I never was #but I failed n now I can barely stand being around him #like I’m such a good sister to my sister but that’s it #n it makes me feel worse about my relationship w my brother bc I know I can be better but I’m just a horrible jealous bitch who should die #screaming