#it’s been weighing on me for days now

[malikson]

.

#last thing i’ll say on this discourse because i’m ready to block and move on #but as someone who’s masculine and soft #it hurts to see you think louis is perpetuating toxic masculinity for liking beer and football and trash food #because i enjoy those things too. i love football. i hate wine. i wear tracksuits and black clothes. and i’m very queer #these things don’t make me less queer #one thing is criticizing him for not supporting enough women and poc. that’s something worth criticizing him for #it’s another thing to straight up say he’s toxic for being masculine #it also makes me feel bad when people say louis can’t be pretty because he’s a man. and pretty is only reserved for women #and feminine people #because i call myself pretty and beautiful and gorgeous #and i am not a woman #and it’s incredibly uncomfortable knowing some of you who think this way may be my mutuals #and you’ve called me pretty #knowing you think it’s only reserved for women #louis and harry will never see this #but WE do #I DO #we see your homophobic misogynistic outdated comments #it fucking hurts #it’s been weighing on me for days now #but i realized it’s not worth feeling miserable over it #if you think this way you’re a piece of shit #and i can’t let these things get to me #i just needed to let it out #jackie.txt

[solradguy]

It sucks there aren't more JP>EN translators in the GG community because it feels like I'm just pulling shit out of my ass half the time but no one's ever written me a strongly worded letter about how one of my translations is entirely wrong so it must be at least slightly convincing shit haha...

#textpost #I've been studying Japanese off and on for something like 6 years now and I still feel like an utter beginner at it ngl #The more popular my translations get the more this kinda weighs on me to be honest #There's a certain level of quality I feel obligated to maintain and if I make a mistake a LOT of people will see it now #It's not like when I first started doing these where maybe ~30 people max would see them #Some of these have had tens of thousands of views. My Twitter page's gotten 100k views in one day after posting a translation before 😬 #I think I might take a short break from translating after I post GGCA 06+07 and focus on studying more before starting 08 #Chapter 08 is a really long one. It'll be easy to clean but there's a bunch of text in it #I still enjoy doing these and don't plan on stopping 100% btw. Can't stop when I haven't even gotten to the Denki Akiba chapter yet lol #But it wigs me out a little when I think too hard about all this haha #Need to become more reclusive.... Make it so you can only get my attention by hanging up bounty posters.... (JK JK JK JK)

[dylanconrique]

i don't wanna see my precious baby girl lucy ever get hurt, but i live for parallels and would love another chenford ambulance ride to parallel the opening scene of s2.

#*carly catalogs #the rookie #tim bradford #lucy chen #chenford #otp: you know me so well #'i can't lose you the way i lost her' has been weighing heavy on my mind on this particular day #which led me to thinking about all those in between moments in dod that we missed after they rescued lucy #and then i remembered we got a very short snippet of a chenford ambulance ride in the s2 opener #DO THAT AGAIN BUT UNO REVERSE THE ROLES #AND MAKE IT LONGER #IT'D BE SO GOOD NOW THAT THEY'RE OFFICIALLY CANON #EVEN IF THEY BREAKUP COULD YOU IMAGINE??????? #ONE OF THEM SEEING THE OTHER GET HURT?????????? #TO QUOTE STILES THEY WOULD 'GO OUT OF THEIR FREAKING MINDS' #s6 wishlist

[raplinesmoon]

a brief note:

i’m not usually very eloquent with my words, so if this is rough and i say something wrong or offensive, please forgive me, it’s been hard to piece together the right words. if there’s spelling errors, this is not proofread, and I’m sorry.

I’ve always maintained that writing and this blog is a safe space for me, a place to escape from the real world when I need it. but right now, what’s going on in the world isn’t something I can escape from. it’s robbed me of my sleep and my sanity. and honestly, writing and kpop just don’t even seem like valid enough escapes anymore, even though I feel immensely privileged to have these escapes in the first place. I feel numb. but it’s not even about me or this blog or any wips I have.

if you have five minutes to scroll through my blog, or any other kpop blog on Tumblr, I urge you to take another five minutes out of your day and learn about what’s going on in Gaza right now. do your own research, and uplift voices that aren’t being heard.

the beauty of being here is being able to connect with so many people far away, across the country or even across the world. if we can use our energy to celebrate our groups and our faves, we can also do the reverse.

life as we know it is being uprooted for so many people, the least we can do is be cognizant of that, to give some of our energy to mourn their losses and grieve alongside them. even better yet, we can hope alongside them that this reality doesn’t have to endure, that more innocent lives will not be lost.

if you get nothing else from this, I’ll leave you with this — if you’ve also been like me, feeling completely scared and horrified by what’s been unfolding, i see you. i feel your pain, and if you’re grieving, i feel your loss. i ask you to remember those on the other side of this who have a right to be even more scared and even more horrified, and who deserve your attention. the world is a complex and hard to understand place, but at the same time, it’s not. it’s brutal and violent. Please remember, that far beyond and political or religious debates, foreign economic and social policy, etc, when oppressors and bullies square off, and when people are power hungry, innocent lives are always in the middle of it. and that should be something that none of us are willing to be okay with.

if you want to stop reading here, that’s totally okay, otherwise check the tags to listen to me ramble on

#as a healthcare worker I can tell you the public health crisis that is unfolding right now as a result of greed and the desire for power #should be appalling to you #also this is not to meant to be a call out to anyone on my dash - just an explanation as to where my head is and why I can’t think straight #about writing or anything #the queue will continue to run #the fics will be written one day #but right now is not the moment for that #also like I said before I’m not engaging in any discourse on this blog - this isn’t something that benefits from people who are far removed #from the situation sitting thousands of miles away and debating about what ifs #when atrocities are unfolding in real time #like I said before it’s been hard for me and so many others to speak up or find the words to voice what’s been weighing so heavily on us #so in return all anyone asks if your kindness and ability to listen and to care #and it doesn’t even have to be on Tumblr - but I just hope that for energy anyone is giving bts/svt/atz/skz and others you’re also willing #to give that energy to humans irl #which shouldn’t even have to be said #but I said it anyway #personal #isi rambles #free Palestine 🇵🇸🇵🇸🇵🇸

[ereborne]

Song of the Day: December 9

"Allies or Enemies" by the Crane Wives

#song of the day #today class we will be discussing a tale of human suffering #so I mentioned yesterday how 'Slow Ride' by Foghat was the song of the day because of how the first ninety seconds were continuous-looping #alright yeah so now imagine me sitting shotgun as we drive half an hour to the movie theater #(to see Godzilla Minus One. it was bitchin I do very very recommend) #and the boys are discussing the latest construction along our highway #which has been a topic of great consideration for me actually #--I had a thought about erosion patterns and groundworks the other day and I went on a whole research spiral #downloaded some guy's doctoral research and all. we know how the research spirals go-- #anyway this is a topic I would have loved to weigh in on! #but instead every mental width of band I had was dedicated to my subconscious' dogged insistence #that the assonance and emphasis and rhythm of 'are we allies or enemies' and 'slow ride / take it easy' were similar enough #that I should be able to find a way to match them up to one another's backings #so the boys were like 'Alexis what do you think of those pylons' and I was trying so so so hard to answer #(I think they're moving the I-95 interchange ramps entirely and adding a new lane over--y'all can't see me point. it's over there though) #I was trying so hard to answer but it was like a little cartoon man trying to climb up a rockslide #except the man is my answer about the bridges for the interstate ramps #and all the comically round rocks ponking off his forehead were different ways a person might be able to scrunch and/or stretch syllables #to fit the choruses of these two songs over one another. 'are we slow ride guitar sounds death of mee' #anyway yeah! I've got all these little focusing tricks painstakingly cultivated over three decades of ADD and living with little siblings #and now we know they can all every single one be absolutely obliterated by the lightest application of a single classic Foghat song

[francesderwent]

it’s not that I think I’m never going to get married. it’s that I am never going to get married the way I thought I would. I am not going to fall in love with a nice young man, get married in a whirlwind of youth and optimism, and have ten kids. I am not going to learn who I am as an adult as part of a team, with my partner by my side. that story is currently going on with my college friends who are celebrating fifth anniversaries and having second kids, but I missed the start of that timeline and it went on without me. I am not going to have that story, I cannot. I am not young and naive enough. I have already grown into who I’m going to be by myself, figured out adulthood and built my own habits without a partner. I cannot have ten kids, I literally don’t have enough years of fertility left. and there’s no conveniently single male friend waiting, Gilbert Blythe-like, in the wings of my life who could turn things around quickly so that I could even begin to catch up. my story will be something else - might be meeting someone in my thirties or forties, probably falling in love slowly because of the trust issues, and maybe having two or three kids, maybe adopting more. it’s a fine story. it could probably make me very happy. but it’s not at all the story I thought I’d have. I always wanted my mom’s life, and I am not going to have it.

#a version of this has been in my drafts for something like three years #I’m posting it because it’s why the movie made me so sad #and because maybe other people are weighed down under this today too #idk my sister and her husband and daughter have been staying with us for a couple weeks #and I love seeing them #but I worry that I’m just way too set in my ways to ever have that now #I worry that I am so used to being by myself and doing what I want to do #that there’s too much selfishness in me now #that the same self-assured independent qualities which make it hard to fall in love #would actually make me a bad wife and mother #and that’s what I’ve been thinking about for the last two weeks! #happy birthday to me #in which cate tells stories #discount chocolate day

[monsterbisexual]

feeling like im being driven to my execution (its a drs appointment)

#p #also thats a little dramatic but i do hate them so much #i was feelin like well ill be uncomfortable n miserable but its not the end of the world #buuuut then i remembered (TMI AHEAD U HAVE BEEN WARNED) #that last month ish when i was here for an actual concern (n agreed to this physical bleh) #i was told im overdue for another pap smear n like they cant force me into it ofc but i know its smart to do it #cuz i already have lots of anxieties abt what if i secretly have some disease or condition n im gonna die blah blah blahh #but last time it was so awful n i was like crying thru it cuz of the pain which. isnt normal #googling it afterwards i found ppl saying stuff like 'it might be weird n uncomfortable but not too bad' #so i was like well ok thats just me then i guess :/ #n anyway i def think i have that condition called w/e cuz ive never been able to do any kind of like. anything in there #not like day to day its a huge deal but for this its not too fortunate :/ #so long story short i remembered ill have to decide if ill let them do it again at this appt #n i was reading abt the process again n then uh oh crying -_- #omw now n idk what ill do tbh. def wanna say no but also idk i shld be responsible or smth #dies instead. #n anyway even if its just the super basic physical theyre gonna do ill still wanna become an incorporeal entity thing #hate it hereeeee (body) #its a PA im seeing who i remember being nice some other time i saw her so theres that at least #theyre gonna wanna weigh me tho i forgot that too jeez #i said no last time but idk. kms

[spearxwind]

oh btw to my commissioners: currently i have a bunch of you in the queue, I havent been able to send out invoices the past couple days bc I've been rly busy, I should be able to send them out AFTER tomorrow most likely but the next week (?) is gonna be a lil rough for me, and given the uncertainty of it I don't want to charge you yet in case my life gets thrown off rails briefly again

you can rest easy knowing that the second I charge you I will likely be able to draw your commission within a couple days like I've done for the past ones -w- and I will for sure do the ones currently in queue, I hope a few days/a week of delay isnt too big of a deal TwT

#got car issues again 👎👎👎. i supposedly have a job interview tomorrow too #if they hire me then god damn thatll be a huge weigh off my shoulders. miguel is coming back in three days too #which will tank my free time for a lil bit (wont be too long anyways cause he also has a job i cant monopolize his time) #and like... again. my fucking car!! im getting rid of that thing now its actually legit dangerous at this point i think #im hoping i can get it a lil patched and sell it off hopefully. its just been a huge money sink #thunderclap

[heartbreakfeelsogood]

#i do not want to work tomorrow i want to lay in bed and be sad #i’m really realizing how miserable of a person i am i am always fucking Sad and when i do feel happy i cry when it’s over #and i can’t even resemble a human being without medication and i know that’s fine but i’m still always sad. it doesn’t go away #i feel like nobody deserves to have me weighing them down like i’ve cried in front of people three times this week and i know it’s fine #but i feel so fucking guilty about it and i feel guilty about everything i feel like i’m doing nothing right and i’m not dealing with thing #right and i’m not living right and i feel like it must be so fucking difficult to love me and i don’t know how people do it #i don’t even feel capable of asking for. any sort of love ever #i feel like i don’t deserve like anything. i feel like nobody actually wants to do things for me lol #every single dsy i’m like wow i want to be held and every single dsy i feel bad even asking for a hug from someone #when i need reassurance i’m afraid to ask because what if i’m just being annoying and overbearing and too much Bad #i never feel like too much good. only bad. #i know a lot of these shitty thoughts are just because i’ve been unmedicated (meds will be ready tomorrow lol) but it just like #it sucks to know medication just kinda hides these thoughts better and that deep down i feel like this because i don’t want to #i feel like everyone in my life doesn’t deserve someone who doubts everything all the time #i think my mother deserved a stronger daughter and i think my friends deserve someone that’s not always breaking and i just don’t feel Good #i don’t know why anyone keeps me around #sometimes i feel selfish for sticking around and that sounds so awful and i’m not gonna act on it but i just feel like a waste of a person #the last week has been so good and now i’m just a fucking mess and i feel so fucking guilty about that :) #i feel like no matter what i always just default to miserable #i don’t feel like i’m doing enough at all #i’m struggling in school i don’t work enough i can barely take care of myself #like i wouldn’t even properly take care of myself if taylor wasn’t helping me i feel so guilty about that all the time #i feel so guilty for even thinking any of this right now and i’m trying to remind myself that i’m unmedicated and i’ve had a long day #and my best fucking friend just went back home and i’m allowed to be sad about that but i just. feel like i’m making excuses i guess #it’s not immoral to be sad but maybe when i’m wanting to die all the time i’m the problem. idk #anyway i’m gonna go to sleep and i’m gonna try to convince myself tomorrow will be better #sndnsksjkakejdkalwosjhdkwosjdjsk. i will be fine

[milo-is-rambling]

I wish I had friends near meeeeeee to distract me from my brainnnnnnnnnn

#need to talk to anyone irl who isn’t related to me or dating my mom or my therapist #anyone else near me please I’m losing my mind #nature isn’t healing me sleeping in a fully dark room all day isn’t healing me how do I magically fix this without having to put any work #into it oh I can’t oh u have to do the work okay how do I do that. therapy once a week. oh. okay. yup. #can I speedrun it? oh no? I can’t. oh damn. okay fine whatever. therapy once a week. AND I HAVE TO ACTUALLY LISTEN AND DO WHAT SHE SAYS. bro #what the hell okay fine #well here I am !!!!! where is the fixing where is the feeling better I feel like all I do is stir up all these touch emotions from every #part of my life at once and then she sends me off to rot for week before I come back and talk again #I just feel like I’m losing it!!!!! and ik it’s extra bad bc birthday countdown is on in my brain and im stressed and i feel like a huge #fuck up that can never be fixed and like I will die having done nothing with my life except weigh other people down and so exhausting and my #brain won’t ever shut up like yes I get it years and years and years of built up shit that I never properly dealt with and still hold blame #for constantly and I feel like I will never be fixed like I CANT be fixed like this is a losing battle and I just am struggling today man #idk what I was saying I just took my morning weed hit to try and relax my back a little and now my brain is like scrambled eggs #which is good that means it’s working #I’m gonna try to take a nap maybe cause I only slept four hours and it was like choppy thru the night and then maybe I’ll go to the lake #later I’ve been feeling the need to be in a body of water recently

[h0]

finished cowboy bebop, hated the ending and straight up just didnt really like the entire show at all :/

#worst thing? best friend who recommended it to me loves it and i kinda mocked it in his face #its been a few days now but wughhgh this still weighs on me #afterall... YOURE GONNA CARRY THAT WEIGHT #whatever! #lms

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

writing poetry sometimes feels like you gotta cut yourself open to express it idk smear all your organs all over the page and hope somebody else reads something beautiful. is that like divination the way it's expressed in various places and things? I dunno. poetry never slides off your skin like water off a duck's back. it's from within I think. sometimes you have to tear yourself apart to get at the words and sometimes it just wells up from within and gushes out. always from somewhere deep inside. sometimes it's difficult and horrible and painful but the alternative would be worse. sometimes it's from sheer joy that must overflow into words. I think that's beautiful personally. skin splitting from joy. it happens, I think, to us all at some point. or maybe I'm just a creature of extremes. maybe that online test I did because a friend recommended it is true. it said my symptoms were high. I don't know. maybe it is true, maybe it's not. I read a book once where there was a character named Nathan Hill-and-Dale, and while I'm not nearly as extreme as he was portrayed, in my extremes, I know I'm a fairly volatile person. funny, for most people who see me IRL seem to think that I'm fairly calm. nope, I'm a volcano. watch out, even when I'm apparently calm I might blow up one way or the other. one of my residents' family members said today that I was young and bubbly and she was glad to see it because happiness is the prerogative of the young. a part of me wished I told her. I have actively tried to kill myself once; I have come extremely close to the same actions countless times including yesterday; I would sooner hurt myself than others; if I had my own choice I would simply starve. of course I didn't tell her. sometimes I think I'll never get better. at this point I would consider it a very high chance that I will either die by suicide or end up in hospital following an attempt. not now, of course. but despite my fierce love for my course it has stress associated with it and I think that it's very likely that no psych help on earth would fix my mental health enough for that not to be an option mentally in this short time. I think it's possible to recover from all of the things I struggle with. God help me, I hope it is. the real question is whether I will survive long enough to recover from them. and the answer? I know not. I was reminded of a past interaction with the boy today, where he called my name - I turned - his grandfather, a photographer, was waiting to see if he could get a decent photo, for we were at a church conference and he was trying to get photos everywhere. they were laughing. I could not help but laugh. that memory is tainted now, for he would not look at me now, let alone try to pull such a stunt again. I don't blame him. I don't blame anyone for it. I wonder what would happen if I blocked all my friends on discord; who would seek me out? part of me hopes people would, another part hopes they would not. sometimes I just want to be left alone to curl up and die. it would be easier. so much easier than living, and living, and living. I tried writing poetry just now. it felt like trying to cut myself open, I couldn't get the words out. it only made me feel rather wild. I'm desperate for change, for something. something. what is that something? I don't know. did you know I'm a sadist? I would not in a public place express the thoughts that led me to that conclusion. but I am. I wish I wasn't. there's an obvious solution to that. quick, and easy. so easy. too easy. I tried writing poetry, and then instead of writing anything coherent, I wrote this.

#tw suicide #tw suicidal ideation #tw sh #personal #puddleglum hours #tried writing poetry and the very act of trying made me desperately want to harm. i think i'll break my streak today. all the things have #been so bad today. not so much the individual things as they all stack up together. almost the worst most constant dysphoria ive ever #experienced. coincided with eating new stuff which was scary. weighed myself yesterday on dad's recommendation and found out i *believed* #id gained like more than double what i *did*. feel so disgustingly fat and heavy tho why can't i just stop eating. why is everyone #prolonging my existence. serious question. this includes myself. whats the good. im tired but not. and oh so disgusted with myself. #weak. stupid. failing. only a fool talks like this. oh but don't worry im safe. safe enough anyhow. oh look nothing's real that explains #something. but i am safe. aint me as gonna commit suicide today. don't worry about me. im ignorin my friend who's worried about me bc she #has her own struggles. im not gonna ad to them at this point. selfish enough i am already. ive been choking on disgust all day even through #my jubilation over reaching a fourteen day streak. funny i literally don't care now. gonna break it. unless i'm too coward to do otherwise. #i ought. i ought to do other things too. i don't know how long i can keep on going like this. pray for me.

[nexus-nebulae]

brrrrr (/pos)

#weight talk #<- just in case even though this is pos #but like. okay ive been. SEVERELY underweight all my life #like i looked like a skeleton you could see all my bones it was AWFUL #i just. I've literally always hated looking like that i hated looking like a walking corpse i mean i looked ILL #but recently i started taking remeron for anxiety #partially bc my anxiety keeps causing me to not eat properly bc i feel sick constantly #so i kept ending up in the ER for malnutrition and dehydration and my liver getting messed up #well i started the remeron for the panic attacks bc daily panic attacks suck but the psych mentioned it could increase appetite #and it???? did????? I'm eating on a slightly more regular schedule???? I'm eating more than once a day???? #and like. ok I've always weighed like 100lbs #highest i ever got was 111 when i was 16 #and then it dropped 10 #and then dropped 10 more in the span of 3 months while i was in and out of ER #and i was genuinely starting to panic over it bc i could PHYSICALLY FEEL my muscles getting eaten bc i had no fat left #like i was getting drastically weaker by the day my knees still won't stop buckling #but in the about three months I've been taking those meds I've. gained 10 back #I'm actually gaining weight like me and my mother are genuinely SHOCKED this genuinely hasn't happened since i was fucking TWELVE #and just now i took off my shirt and noticed. holy shit. my stomach doesn't go CONCAVE when I'm hungry anymore #like whenever i couldn't tell if i was hungry before i would just look at my stomach and be able to tell if it was too curved inwards #but now!!!!!!! it doesn't do that!!!!!!! and I'm genuinely fucking ecstatic like oh my god i don't look dead anymore #I've always wanted to gain weight i feel like i would be 100% more comfortable in my body as a fat trans man #and i can't talk about that to anyone bc they always say it's either self harm or fetishistic #when no i just genuinely feel more comfortable in my skin thinking of myself that way #and now i have confirmation that i would genuinely be happier that way with this bc the sheer joy i have at not being underweight anymore #i mean I'm still a bit under but at least im gaining SOMETHING like at least i dont look like a drowned street cat #seeing the very slight rolls and folds in my stomach when i move the right way makes me happy

[zippers]

wish i could gain weight without eating 😭😭😭 like a sims slider i just wanna gain like 15 pounds in 15 seconds is that too much to ask of my body?!?! apparently

#put on shorts i wore when i was 12 and they are TOO BIG #i dont know how much i weigh because i dont have a scale but i was just underweight a few weeks ago #and i have gotten BETTER at forcing myself to eat but i basically only had bread fruit and a monster energy drink yesterday #and by basically i mean... i know thats all i ate #but i mean i ate a lot of bread... like a bagel #half a loaf of french bread and several slices of rosemary sourdough #my mom bought me groceries which i so appreciate but she did not really... buy me healthy foods #like... 3 different bread products... nothing to put on the bread?! when i am in food funks 80% of my nutrition comes from hummus and guac #oh she did buy me soups but my microwave is broken but i literally havent been getting enough calories to HEAT THINGS ON THE STOVE!!!! #they said i might gain weight on zoloft which i was excited before but instead i lost the same amount of weight i lost this summer in half #the time #bc at least this summer i WANTED to eat i just wasnt given long enough breaks at work to eat ENOUGH food #and i was super active. now i am an art hermit not exercisng & going days where 90% of my calories are energy drinks and the occasional carb #i think its a side effect of the meds and not #disordered eating #but im tagging it as that anyway

[jonathanbiers]

can't decide which thing to write again do y'all want roommates pt2 or argyle goes to scoops first

#haven't been able to write anything more than a couple sentences in an actual fic in days tbh i've felt so discouraged lately‚ so this is #me trying to create the illusion of accountability again so i can write #also this has been the shittiest past two weeks i've had in years irl and i desperately need the escapism i just keep flipping between the #two and not achieving anything that way gfhfjdk #y'all are my spin the wheel <3 decide for me boy #they both involve short shorts if it helps #[kevin malone weighing options voice] argyle flustered about the scoops shorts or argyle getting his dick su- #[spoilers bus runs me over] #honestly i probably shouldn't even say what i'm writing considering i've noticed my ideas getting copied again at least a couple times #anyway i'm shutting my mouth now #:)

[mxwhore]

You’re giving us a harpy!mart lore drop? I owe you my life.

hopefully! lets see how longer I have to be in the lab for

#today has been a slow day #in the morning me and my lab mates were losing it over some gallic acid calibration curves #aparently the fucker has its own unit of measurement #and then i just weighed some dry samples. chill stuff #now im waiting for da boss to process some more samples so i can weigh them. but i will never just do nothing sooo #using the dead time to work on commissions :) #tessas txt