#it sucks doesnt help lol

[napping-sapphic]

Maybe i am just a little preoccupied by the idea of running my fingers through a girl’s hair or cradling her head when we hug or pressing our foreheads together or or or—

#wlw #wlw mood #sapphic #sapphism #lesbian #i go insane whenever i think about it which is all the time #also id like to dedicate this post to the predictive text feature on my phone #cannot tell you how many typos there would be if i didn’t use it on every word #not because im a bad speller or anything just my depth perception sucks so im always hitting wrong letters #and typing while im half asleep doesnt help lol #anyway short hair long hair idc put your head on my lap rn so i can run my hands through it #im gay and i like sleeping

[anistarrae]

I kinda want to get into digital painting, how do you make your paintings look so good? Do you have any tips?

its really all about practice id say, and understanding shadows and light sources.

my mom has studied art for years, she no longer does it, but she told one of the most important advices when it comes to shading. draw a small ball on where you want the light source to come from, and draw from there. imagine how it will effect every small thing in the drawing, how little or lots of light it will have.

this is something i made while explaining this to someone a few months ago, this is what my mom told me what to do, and i learned a lot about shading from this. studying from real life is also very important, seeing how light interacts with objects, how light is reflected off to other objects, how blurry or sharp the shadow can be. its endless amounts of knowledge when looking at real life subjects.

when rendering, light sources are one of the most important things, learning the fundamentals can help you in the long run. thinking of what you want your shadows to look like too, do you want them soft or sharp, or even a mix of both? finding something right for you is important, and that's why experimentation is key for finding what you're happy with. trying so many different techniques is possible when going into digital art, take things from artists you like, redraw your favorite piece to see how they've made it, try new brushes or programs, its all up to you!

color is important when it comes to rendering, that could be said for any piece. color dictates the feeling of the piece, using many different colors in your shading can make it pop out. going back to experimenting, trying new different colors and palettes is very helpful too! play with saturations, values, try using only one hue. i stick to warms usually, but seeing what else you could be using can be fun too! color is limitless, try all that you can :D

in art, i believe experimentation is one of the most important things, it leads to your growth as an artist. i would be nowhere without it, and i very much encourage anyone to try all they can. digital art is one of the most expansive artforms, you can get almost any look with it, you can do so much with it that makes creativity limitless.

#SORRY if this isnt articulated that well :') im better at explaining stuff through voice but im also not putting my voice online LOL #we could probably talk about this when we see each other again. it sucks our schedules dont really work out😭 #if youre free 5th or 7th anytime we should hang out more. youre fun to be around #i also have a post about a process of another piece i did.. that could help with how i do it exactly #also sorry if this doesnt go over what you want to know LOL like i said you can ask me about this again irl

[basofy]

ive never talked about their dynamic but this is one of the many thoughts i have about them

#ive been having power outages all day help me #my stuff #lisa rpg #bo wyatt #lisa garth #lisa the painful #i imagine hes saying do you liiiiike it :) with a deep yet nerdy voice #ok deranged thoughts time #yes i in fact like them becuz theyre both artists #but heres the thing #theyre both STRUGGLING artists who have a very deep bond with their art which reflects who they are as people #they both also suck at it lol #yet they continue cuz their art is their life pretty much #and i like to think that having another artist buddy would feel nice for them #especially in garths case it's like dude lives pretty much under a rock feels ignored by everyone cares too much about others reactions etc #either it becomes some sorta onesided artist rivalry or he becomes obssesed with the fact that there is another guy in the team #who knows what it's like #he would be all like YOU. YOU UNDERSTAND!!! and bo is just like lol #becuz while he struggles too he doesnt make a big deal out of it doesnt care about being underappreciated #like garth who is A BIG ATTENTION SEEKER #so imagining them hanging out and having this weird artist bond is cool to me #id also include jack cuz they all make an artist team but yknow SIGHHHHH #also i have different thoughts on what does art mean for jack since hes younger #these are definitely not all of my thoughts i am insane about artist characters #and yeah it could be said gart in this post is trying to get bo's attention #through a mix of what bo likes and what garth likes and it's a funny and cute thought to me #lisa ramblings #still love this post

[bueris]

okay maybe I should seriously reconsider my path in life and sell my soul to marketing or journalism instead

#okay venting in the tags you are very welcome to ignore or not respond to it i just need to yell somewhere #i always thought id be an art therapist because well i care about people and want to help them and love art #but everyday i wake up feeling like a fraud and an imposter so like. should i really be doing all that when im not entirely #certain i cpuld handle it??? like i know i haven't gotten the meaty bit of the education towards that yet but like #university costs a disgusting amount of money here and if i pick the wronf thing im likely doomed forever thanks to awful government #i know things could get better like they did after thatcher but honestly im not putting any bets on it considering how the current labour #party is so like if i fuck up here im basically dead #also can i actually do art uni. like could i cope with that. im deeply unethused with art at the moment and honestly will i evwr be #idk #it was jusr a thing i always did but education around it is fucking soul sucking #also the emotional weight of hearing and solving people's problems as a therapist. i would consider myself quite empathetic for the most #part i feel other people's pain quite strongly and obviously as a therapist id be feeling that quite a bit so could i actually cope with it? #ik therapists have therapists but still #i mean im doing work experience at an occupational therapy place so ill just be extra inquisitive about it all to make sure im going #the way i wanna #I'll be fine by the end of a levels ill probably understand what i want in life #if not then gap year to work it out #should probably look at unis for english language too then #sigh #ucas website i may as well marry you #ill be okay im getting in my head about stuff im actually pretty good at art even if there are things i can improve on (like patience lol) #yeah maybe the voice telling me i suck doesnt know shit and should shut up #yeah #shut it nasty voice you're wrong actually!!! im doing just fine and you're being overly critical #they should make a brain that's your friend and not mush that hides the amalgamation of every bad thing ever in its crevices #crevices shoyild be filled with kindness and love. #sex jokes about that #why the fuck is yahoo mail syncing i dont use you you washed up search engine #bue waffling #vent post

[itsafternoonpast5]

when was the original advertisement even made LOL jasper is still alive here

#i forgot he was in the trailer. i always assumed it was after his death LOL #definitely inbetween jasper dies at the end and dial m for jasper. but im more surprising hed be willing to help in the commercial #maybe after jasper dies at the end hed gradually start disliking the camp. little by little seeing the flaws and disliking it more #he does say “man this camp. this camp kinda sucks” its where he first sees that. but maybe doesnt fully believe it #hes rational but i do think hes a somewhat optimistic. maybe an off screen event caused him to really dislike the camp LOL #this couldnt have been before the staff ceremony because davey wouldve HATED doing it #if it were the case. during the recording hed try to look like he hated the camp as much as possible. thinking hes sabotaging them LOL #wonder why they would even record this in the middle of summer too. like sure campbell probably wanted more kids to enroll #more people = more money. but for people to see this. consider sending their kids there. getting all the paperwork done #thatd take a bit wouldnt it LOL idk what his thinking process would be. especially with kids enrolling in camps earlier in the summer

[crunchchute]

i know nobody wants to hear about my self insert bs but i had like 2 main storylines clashing so hard in my brain to the point i gave up on them cause one was in the 80s in game storyline and other in like 90s with tse dave and my mind just wanted both at once and merge them but it just did not work at all so those braincells died off. now the tse one picked up again after finishing the book but i miss the game one even if it was cheesy and unoriginal. a mans gotta do what hes gotta do (make up self insert stories in his head every day before bed) (dont read the tags its info that should only have been shared by me being waterboarded)

#so the meat and potatoes (because one day i will forget about the details and will want to remind myself) #80s one is just me being a photographer/artist or whatever. curious about W and wanting to know more #i work with the police momentarily to interview W (post mci) (i pretend to be a journalist or something. doesnt have to make sense #its all just for my own gain anyway and i get closer to him to answer my own questions about freddys. end up watching w so closely #i fall for him (<- cheese) and i help him with work and stuff. he does get springlocked eventually and theres some remnant shenanigans #(note: i do feel weird about keeping him a killer but i dont like aus where he isnt one. gotta suck it up and be a monsterfucker in the #different sense lol) #the tse one is. pretty straighforward.. or smth.. i live in the city and see dave around i see him patroling around the mall #i get curious get closer offer him a cig from a pack that i only buy because of him #we chat get to know eo he tries to kill me but i have delved deeper into the history and the unsolved cases and this is proof to me #(same applies here. killers irl arent cool and im closing my eyes to that here cause its fiction and i just want to put an old fictional #man on a leash. -who said that) #anyway its proof to me hes W.A. and i play around with him #i cook him dinner and repair his fursuit <3 /j #i put a SPH on his fursuit /J unless #if you read this far send me your favorite animal in my ask box. no dont actually

[bittwitchy]

sometimes life w a v high pain tolerance means im still in pain but quiet abt it to not bother other ppl and sometimes it means im in such horrific pain for literally no reason (there is a reason oft just related to afab insides so ppl dont care) but i have to go to work anyways bc calling out is bad and somehow its ‘so brave’ to work while wanting to die as your insides torture you it feels like youre burning alive and your organs are breaking but hey we gotta go earn that dough right

#raiiot #it hurts so bad rn i wanna just cry and break down but i have work tonight #it hurts to breathe too which doesnt help me #i honestly dont even know if my pain tolerance is high or if i just got told my pain didnt matter #so much growing up and by docitrs and everyone that Im just not reacting to it #bc the reality is my wanting to die because of pain has been a constant since i first got my period at like 7-9 years old #and being told by doctors and my parents that im faking it for attention or i need to get over it or that idk what pain is jhst means i #started not saying anything bc being in pain and crying a lot was already bad since id get yeled at for crying #but being called a liar and being in trouble for it and the additional suffering just really sucked on top of it so it was ‘easier’ to say #nothing and try to ignore it and pretend i wasnt in pain for others benefit since they thought i was lying anyways #which is even funnier since now if i mention it theybsfill think im lying #so if im ignoring it or honest abt it i #still apparently a liar ig lol #the only pain other ppl in my fam have experienced is the oral pain funnily enough but they screamed abt cried abt how nobodys ever felt #pain like they have over a need for ONE root canal. i needed 9 and numbing didnt work #thats the first time they ever realized i maybe wasnt lying avout the pain. was when they got told thaf. but they still treat me like i am

[dyketubbo]

its such a pain trying to navigate being critical of the psychiatric field as it is today because ill nod along to a post talking about how psych wards are horrible and so many therapists and mental health professionals are actually just downright awful and make their patients mental health works and then ill look in the notes and see people go like yesssss and medication is terrible and we should just get help Instead like. um. in an ideal world youd get both buddy. im sorry but even in a better world where society doesnt make you want to kill yourself all the time and your therapist actually listens to you you will also likely still have to take that medication

#not that medication is a fix all #because 1. it is an excruciating process to find out which meds work for you #and 2. some peoples lives just suck so fucking bad theyll still want to die regardless of meds #but like.. that doesnt mean we need to Replace medication. medication should still exist you cant seriously be anti-medicine #yes i stopped wanting to kill myself when my life got better not just when i got on medication that actually helped #but also that medication actually helped me go to sleep at night and i had less urge to actually Act on any suicidal thoughts that i had #when i was on meds while still having a terrible life #and now i havent been on meds for a while and even though my life is better now and i have proper support #i still struggle. i cant go to sleep at a normal time. my memory is failing me. i struggle w hygiene #no medication didnt magically make me better. but it helped. and i dont like the trains of thought #that can come from 'medicine bad actually you Just need support from people' #like hey.... hey thats not a good way to think actually.. you need both #mask mews #also like. some people struggle with shit that they cannot fucking live with when they arent medicated #like. some people have vivid horrible hallucinations. lol. #do you really think that a life without medication is good or are you bitter and misdirecting your anger

[silentalltheseyearsnomore]

Somehow got through the worst of the crisis. Didn't tell S for the first time. Told her when we saw her and she asked why we didn't reach out and we said we know she's already overwhelmed and if we were to come out the other side we needed her to still be there, we needed to protect our relationship. She got it. It sucks the situation we are both in because of complete lack of support from everywhere else. She is being our care co, advocate, therapist, attachment figure, everything at once because *no one else is* but ofc it is too much. Hence ending therapy. Because the best way she can help is to fight the system for us and get us the right support, while also staying around so we don't have another broken attachment. I know it's her doing everything she can to help us the best she can. It's just hard to not view it through the lens of so many triggers and abandonment. When the reality is she is doing ALL this, soon for free, out of care. It is just not all focused on the care littles want (cuddles lol) and more of what we need. Which is what someone who truly cares for you does.

I value her seeing the situation and knowing our therapy and relationship will be damaged if we continued the same and therefore ending therapy before the damage was too big. Like others should have done. But it still sucks that it means we have to start again with someone else AND get used to seeing her less. It sucks because she doesn't even want to see her less but her life is just so that if we don't see her at work it will be less. I know how much she is doing for us behind the scenes to fight the system and yet child parts just want the time with her. Even if logically her doing that work is what will help most. I value her so much doing this for us. It's just the fear of seeing her less is so fucking huge. From outside it may seem ridiculous because we're so lucky to have an attachment figure who wants to see us anytime she can, and the least it'll be is maybe a couple weeks.. that's kind of a lot, it's more than anyone in her personal life gets besides those she lives with, even family! We'd be fine seeing anyone else every couple weeks!! Yet going from 2 or 3 times a week to knowing she'll struggle for even once a week feels like actual death. Like, we laugh when we see the facts. But for child parts it is like literal death it feels. And I just hope it actually feels okay. We'll get used to it. We'll speak inbetween. We will be adding more support and it won't feel long at all- the isolation does add to the attachment pain, its not ALL about her. Its also about what it triggers, and about being lonely in general. We have to trust that will change. And trust we will feel connected. (Mostly I secretly hope her work thing settles so she has more time lol). Remember there is the possibility for a lot more in the future when we are better, she wants us to be involved in an amazing work thing if we get well enough. WHEN we get well enough. She WANTS us in her life. We are wanted. That is beautiful. That is everything. The rest is just noise and life in the way.

It sucks how when we are connected we feel okay but then we loss it and drown in dread. When we are together we think we can handle ending therapy, these changes, the unknown, all of it. We can feel how much she cares, we know it, we see it. She gave us the most beautiful birthday gift and held us and we talked about the fears and we both are just having to face the unknown as both our lives change. And we just have to trust. Trust that even though her life is changing, even though we have to end therapy, even though xyz, she will find time to see us. She'll still be there even if its different. Trust that this is very different to previous ex therapists (who her supervisors now want us to report and are basically blacklisting already..), because yes we are close but we are doing it healthily and slowly and boundaried. She is not being our mum, she is not promising things she cant deliver like they did. She says the hard things when needed, she knows limits. Trust that that doesn't mean she cares less. Trust she'll still fight to get us the right support. And we have to trust that the right support will actually happen, despite the huge obstacles. And we have to trust we can hold on until it comes. We have to trust so many things we can't see yet.

And when we are with her, we do trust. But when we are apart, it's just overwhelming. We can't take another broken attachment. And I do trust her not to do what others did but I also know the whole situation is so stressful and she is one human trying to do her best. And so are we. I do kind of think it may be okay with her.. she won't go. I feel less sure about getting specialised therapy funded. And I know all our stuff and needs can't fall on our relationship or it will suffer. So we need the other support to work out. And I am scared what happens in the meantime. I've never experienced either thing- enough support or an attachment figure staying in a safe and healthy way. So even if factually it looks like she's staying and it'll be okay, we still need to experience it.

Honestly I have no idea how we'll feel with this transition. I have a feeling either we'll feel like we are drowning, while S is abroad and when back will see her less even if she's doing more for us behind the scenes, and no therapy..... OR, we may feel better. Maybe we dont need our attachment wounds constantly poked at. Maybe space to breathe will help. We've done SO much work internally attachment wise. We've gone from wanting child parts dead to calling them (pet names) lovingly like B did and S now does. And we've had some experiences of them being loved and wanted outside too, even if chaotic and abusive at times. I don't even really know the next step even if I was being offered it. I don't think I ever want such a deep attachment in therapy again. Some kind of attachment sure but our main one? It just feels never endingly painful. I think we do better when it's outside of therapy. And inside of it to an extent too. Just not the main and only. So maybe getting used to S outside of therapy will somehow help us see what is needed moving forward. I so wish K was safe for us..... then we'd have two attachment figures outside of therapy, and the attachment in therapy would feel less brutal and poking with its stupid hour or so a week. But she just isn't. Maybe she never will be. There's no way to know. Right now she isn't. There's S. But she can't be *everything*. And I want more outside of therapy. It's just... we don't really ever attach that way outside. Child parts never do. So I guess we just try and build the attachments and connections outside of therapy. Settle in to what S can be. And maybe we'll see therapy differently going forward.

I honestly have no fucking idea. But I do know what we've been doing isn't sustainable. I do know I don't want my main attachment figure to be my therapist. And I don't know what that means. And it's not like you have a fucking choice in who you attach to anyway lollll who am I kidding. We don't even know what we will be offered yet. Or when. In a few weeks. Years. Its so hard to keep walking forward not knowing how anything looks. And just trusting. And trusting that S won't give up fighting for us or let go of our hand. Trust ourselves that we choose to trust her for good reason and not purely attachment. Trust ourselves to feel her hand is still there even when physically apart. Trust we can keep ourselves safe when we need to. Trust that having to do so doesn't mean we don't deserve others. Child parts deserve to be rescued and protected and kept safe. And we have to trust we can do that, and that others want to, even if they can't always. Trust ourselves that we can grieve the gap between what others can do and what we deserve/d.

#a lot of trust #sometime it feels like itll be okay #sometimes it feels like the doom cloud of the end of our life is chasing us #and theres no hope #i really dont know what is on the other side of this #i really hope its the start of some freedom AND better support #i really do #and really hope our body can heal more because being so disabled really makes it all so much harder to cope with #i could be at pride rn instead of laying in bed and that would help lol #and it really sucks that we have so many friends who would want to be there but it doesnt help as they only know a few parts #its child parts and tbose holding trauma who need the connection #otherwise jt feels empty snd mskes them feel worse not better #but we cant just magic up an ability for them to attach to people #its incredible they try trust anyone at all after everything #i wish it was easier to form close attachments #s

[melto]

i think that it is totally unfair that for the like past 2 years i was able to make it through the day before and day of my birthday without like just totally spiraling but for some fucking reason this year literally 2 weeks before i am already feeling the horrible guilt and grief and devastation.

#i am going to kms it should not be like this lol!!!!! #it probably doesnt help that thearpy has been focusing on something that they really fucked me up on so theyre just. in my head i guess. #i feel like ive been gutted alive and i feel so alone bc theres no one i can go to for comfort bc #the only people who've seen me liek that arent close and i need someone to just idk. hold my hand or hug me. Or even just listen to me. #hell on planet earth. maybe it will only suck now and then next week i will be fine. #news with isaac

[savage-rhi]

I'm very much a, "fuck yeah and fuck you, I don't need validation! I'm me, cunts!" kinda fella, but sometimes I could use support.

#today i fucked up by reactivating my fb account which i haven't done in 2 yrs just to check on some folks id been sending good thought to #place is depressing everyone is miserable and everything feels fake and my mind is like #LOL this is why we left bitch byeeee #so i deactivated again went to work and idc what anyone says there are folks like me that can and do feel the energy and emotions coming of #people and it can fucking suck especially when so many are disregulated so i got a sensory overload and boss was nice enough to let me take #a bunch of breaks today and even scream in her office cause She Gets It (TM) #the weather is rainy and cold i'm getting so many fibro flares idk how i'm moving anymore #ive missed so many days of work already and it's not even fully winter yet i still have my job and im thankful i have an understanding team #but that doesnt pay the bills im still trying to find a way to pay for that doctor appointment coming up #graduate courses began for college and i think i'm gonna be okay but damn did they throw too much info all at once at me and that made #my adhd brain go WELL SHIT #ive been feeling incredibly lonely and not wanted in so many spaces that im struggling to even communicate with the few that i know do #love me for me and nothing else im trying so so so hard to keep being there for people and to keep loving #people that need it cause i don't ever want another human being to ever feel as miserable and unwanted as i have felt #but im also tired because i feel like thats all anyone ever sees me as just this being that can take their woes away and make them feel #amazing and i love that i can do that and listen to so many traumatic stories and help folks process that trauma my boss and many throughou #life have told me i have a gift for healing people and a vibe to me thats different than most and it feels good being around me but today i #just felt like people keep taking and taking and taking and i dont expect anything back thats not who i am id rather give than receive #but damn it i just wish someone could just give me the biggest hug in the world dont even have to say a thing just hold me and be present #and hold space for me to just feel weightless id cherish that more than anything in the world right now #on a positive note... #my dinosaur vo stuff got traction im getting a new cosplay put together i havent done that in 4 years i got to pet a wild deer i made #a coworker laugh so hard his juice went out his nose and my boss peed a little #im slowly taming another wild flock of turkeys and i got a bag of my favorite takis the guacamole flavor #i got a lot to be thankful for and i acknowledge it #but damn it im tired #thank you for coming to my Ted Talk rant and rave #if you made it this far: you're an incredible human being and i love you #please go treat yo self to something nice and know i love you for you

[mechahero]

@pzfr asked- [ Culture ] [ Specialization ] [[ what's da culture like in motor city!!! ambassador questions (accepting!)

[ Culture ]

"Well, uh, it's kinda hard to explain?" A lock of hair twirls absentmindedly around a metal finger. His eyes locked to the side and away from whoever asked him the question. "It's very... condensed? Everyone brings a little bit of somethin' when they choose to live here and I guess over time it kinda turned into its own thing?"

"We've got like a lot parties and stuff? Mostly for morale, a lot of the time its for people that were dead and stuff." Lambda taps at his head, racking his brain for any more information that seems to have suddenly slipped his mind. Right when he needs it too. Man. "Oh right! We kinda just exist? But, like, we try and be good people obviously. That's kinda at the forefront of this whole thing. Uh... we kinda scrapped the idea of using cash for food and stuff? And people don't have to work to survive! I mean, people can work if they wanna?" He chews at his lip. It's hard to get the words out the way he was thinking about. "It's um, kinda hard to explain. You'd just hafta see it for yourself."

[ Specialization ]

"Like, as a cyborg? Or?" Realization dawns on him. Or something akin to that, anyway. "Ohhh. Did you mean the city?" He taps at his fingers. Or taps them together, rather. "Honestly? I don't really know? I guess it's sort of part of my goal to have a peaceful world? I mean, ya gotta start somewhere I guess." It sounds odd coming out of his mouth. Maybe even bad. Well, it sounds bad to him.

"We don't really specialize in anything? Except for being, I guess? Existing? I don't know how to explain it. I just don't know."

#//does a funny little dance #//he's bad at explaining things but motor city leans really heavily into a utopia where EVERYONE chips in to make it nice #//it's also heavily built upon just looking out for your fellow human. or monster #//and capitalism just isnt a thing there because it sucks #//it's a giant melting pot of cultures and i really need to sit down and write it all down some time #//its really just a society without the suffering #//the parties he mentioned are usually concerts to boost morale bc you know. frequent attacks and stuff #//there's also the part where he basically taught everyone to defend themselves and fight back #//and the part where he also has them hunt down terrible people to kick the shit out of them and or murder them #//but he doesnt like to talk about it #//but aside from that it's mostly a society built around helping everyone else and being decent people #//i have to dig up some old details i have written down. unless theyre on an old ipad in which case im screwed lol #he's a killer queen... {ic} #why are you botherin' me? {answered memes} #pzfr

[universestreasures]

Me @ trying to make a new blog header format for this blog.

#💎 Fool's Gold (Shitposting) #💎 Dottr Speaks (OOC) #(LIKE...IM SO HAPPY WITH WHAT I MADE FOR MY VANGUARD MUSES HUB BLOG AND NOW ME TRYING TO DO A NEW STYLE FOR THIS BLOG AND IM STRUGGLE BUSSI #(DOESNT HELP IM DOING IT THEMEED FOR MY PH CHRS AND ASIDE FROM OZ THERE ISNT AS MUCH MANGA ART I COULD EASILY INCOPERATE FOR SHARON OR ALYS #(OR MAYBE I JUST SUCK AT FINDING THINGS DIK #(BUT YEAHH THATS WHAT IM WORKING ON RN LOL

[713-4th-ward-g]

.

#what sucks is the moment someone is super nice to me 😭 i start to liking them a lot #why am i like this 😭 #i get shown any kind of decency or any genuine kindness I start to really like like them #then end up ruining the whole mood by telling them I like them 😂 #i suppose finding some more attractive cause they're super nice to me stems from my childhood trauma LMAO #gotta love being a neglected kid 😭😂 it doesnt help when they're extremely pretty too 😭😭 #lmao #what's wrong with me have some sense 😂 I know that just cause a person is nice to me doesnt mean they like like me or they even like me 😭 #but i still can't help but start liking them 😂 its also probably cause i finally feel like someone cares about me 😭 then it goes back to #childhood trauma 😂 dude i cant lie being neglected while still having both parents is some thing else #cause its like I had both but they were always at work and when they got home would be so mean to each other mainly my dad to my mother; #the only did they'd ask if i was hungry but by the time grandma came to live with us that stopped and so they would not really talk to me #like i was talking to my cousin Richard on the night of the party; he asked why i dont talk to my dads side of the family #and he's super drunk and starts belittle and make light of the situation before i even start the main reason. so i told him to stop talking #over me and let me finish and stop belittling and making light of the reasons why i stopped talking to them entirely #then he got butt hurt and ended up waking his wife who was sleeping in the living room to go home. #i swear i have issues that i have yet to address lol and going to therapy doesnt work cause it makes me super uncomfortable so i stop going #after the first visits #😮‍💨 i can be so overwhelming why am i like this just cause they're nice to me doesnt mean they actually like me or even like like me 😭 #i need to be better at accepting people's kindness without falling attached or like liking them a lot LMAO. #personal

[bobzora]

its rlly funny to me that like. compared to 5 and especially 3 which have much more like. theoretically upsetting subject matter. 4 is the most upsetting to actually play because of how much the narrative just hates people like you. lol :/

#bobtalk #like. i like naoto but every time hes on screen i feel dread like 'what are they gonna say this time' #and fandom behavior doesnt help like. even if he wasnt trans. even if kanji wasnt gay. #that doesnt matter because the game is still transphobic! its still homophobic! #it just. sucks. so bad #me playing arena like oh yeah. this is what we're dealing with here. :( #in my heart and soul i know teddie is a trans ally he wouldnt say that guys. #im literally more ready to do a complete playthrough of 1 than 4. i like my friends from 4 but i just dont wanna do it. lol #hey atlus remember 2. remember jun. can we do that again.please

[scoreplings]

thinking abt this means i have most definitely stayed up too late & i will be sleeping after this post but sometimes i think about how my parents tried sooo hard for me and my siblings and do love us but they still fucked us up to an insane degree and it makes me so so sooo sad

#rrrr #i mean— my mom especially when we all grew up and had Mental Problems she went #hey maybe i fucked up. and started looking for advice and putting us in therapy to try and fix the damage #but my dad just doubled down on the shitty stuff lol #he did like. work hard for us tho yknow. he tried to do well. idk it doesnt excuse everything but sometimes i think about how much #it probably sucks to be 50 years old and one of your kids hates you two avoid you and the other is meh about you #i am one of the avoiding kids to be clear. hes not healthy to be around he has some Major Issues he refuses to address #but still. he loves his kids and that has to hurt. and i feel bad for him. #and we’re all on better terms with my mom than my dad but we still have Problems with her. #especially my youngest sister. #idk its a mix of ‘treat your kids better and they’ll like you more lol get fucked’ and ‘oh you were raised in a much worse environment and #compared to that have made vast improvements and i cant help but be a little proud of & sympathetic to you’ #idk #im just having thinky thoughts