#it makes me not feel good when im happy but i dont look it

[cuddlebugzz]

#mm #not having a great time #i love my job but it makes me so tired #like physically and emotionally #i have very little energy to do things that i like doing #act the way i like acting #i know masking is generally seen as a bad thing #but.i like being expressive #even if its exagerated bc its not totally natural #i like looking happy and acting happy bc i am happy #it makes me not feel good when im happy but i dont look it #and everyone gets worried #idk #maybe ive just been doing it so long i don't like change #but anyway. i don't have energy for it and it makes me upset

[birdricks]

i love the stars (j'adore les etoiles)

#rick and morty #birdrick #birdperson #rick sanchez #artsbotz #I DID IT I DREW THEM YAYYYYYYYY <- normal #idk if im totallyyyy happy w the colours etc but watever im not spending any longer on it. lol #LOL sorry if this kinda doesnt make any sense. its a result of my enorrmmouss brain #i usually think abt rick more when it comes to birdrick simply bc. hes more fleshed out #butttt ive been rhinking abt bp a bit recently. #i rlly strongly associate bps feelings towards rick w stars. bcccc of a bunch of stuff #that one quote -> #how often do you suppose you might look up at the stars. and wonder what might have been had you just put your faith in rick. #anddd a couple songs. this one which is i love the stars by the orion experience #and more loosely starstruck by ummm #by sorry. #ANDDDDD the beacon. on ao3 #i beleive by abed with a knife. really super good makes me pass out #umm ok i actually dont have more to say. my brain is fried #guys. dont forget to set like hourly timers when u draw. to like remind u to drink and stretch. and blink #dont be like me.

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

i only just found your au and i need everyone to have a happy ending so badly im gonna cry ;-; sally is gonna be so freakin upset when she wakes up for real and sees she decimated barnaby.

oh, Barnaby already has his arm stitched back on when she wakes up! and really, even if he didn't, that'd be the Least of her worries. she wakes up into a Real nightmare - partially of her (unintentional) making

#happy endings... well... yes and no. depends on what act you look at #act one? no! actually things get So Much Worse in an entirely festive new way! #act two? eh! sorta! its more bittersweet than anything #act three and four blend into each other so much that three doesn't have an 'ending' #but the final act - act four... well. who's to say! im still workshopping what i want to happen #but i do know it's still gonna have at Least a bittersweet tinge to it #wh lights out au #rambles from the bog #there are consequences and not everyone Makes It. i dont like stories where everything wraps up perfectly fine #even if it hurts! i like it when things hurt in a good way. those stories where the ending is overall positive #but Enough Happened that its just... its an ache. looking at where someone used to be. you know? #my favorite shows and books and fics have ended with me smiling while sobbing bc it yes it Hurts but it was So Fucking Good #and while i wouldnt be able to handle rewatching/rereading due to Emotional Damage... #i think of them fondly and often and theyre Important to me #perfectly happy endings just rub me wrong. it always feels like there's something Missing despite it all being idyllic #i cant let my own stories - original or aus or whatever - have that kind of end #so if thats what people are hoping for! you've come to the wrong person and the wrong au! #i like to be kind but that rarely extends to my creative works! #i like it messy and painful and bittersweet and i like to be Ruthless with my creations with no compromise #sometimes characters need to fight. or leave. or die. or make serious mistakes. etc. #but anyway! anyway.... #i will say that there isn't a happy ending for Everyone. and for others it's... complicated. again - bittersweet

[perilegs]

i’m making huge generalizations here but idk i feel so much more comfortable just existing around trans (and some gnc) people than i do with people who are cis (and gender conforming) bc of the way we view our - and other peoples bodies. i hear trans people talk about bodies with so much love and adoration. like sure hating your body is a big thing for most trans people but most of us also learn to accept what we look like. and the acceptance often turns to genuinely liking yourself. especially if you make changes you want to to your body. it’s just. idk i feel like only a trans person could see my body for what it is

#ive seen a lot of trans art recently and its all been so lovingly made and with clear adoration towards bodies that look like yours #idk im not very eloquent and theres a lot more nuance to this entire thing #but like. i personally love my body like yea i have parts im insecure about we all do but also i have been able to choose to do things to m #body that make me happy! and i dont just mean surgery and hrt bc thats not for anyone but also choosing to do whatever the hell i want to #with my hair and getting piercings and dressing in a way that feels good #i know being able to dress etc the way you want to is a privilege #and im so grateful for it #i can't believe there was a time when i wasnt allowed to cut my hair or wear boy clothes and i had to dress up as a girl #and got constantly reminded of being a failure of femininity etc. and now that i dont talk to my mom anymore im so free #i can exist in my body and i actually feel like my body is mine and not there just for show if that makes sense #like i look in the mirror and go that me! #and also like seeing myself like that has obviously made me appreciate others bodies as well #bc when you have for a long time always payed attention to the positives of a certain thing you start noticing positives more! #just like how idk going for a walk and finding 5 nice things you appreciate or looking #in the mirror and listing things you like about yourself #out loud. even if you feel uncomfortable #it helps #can you believe you're happier when you fall a bit in love with everything around you #there are so many wonderful things on this earth and you have to condition yourself to notice them and its hard work that never stops #but it is so worth it #i have lost the plot of my post #leevi talks #anyways i love how trans people love bodies

[niishi]

Sensory issues that make me not want my hair to touch my neck/ears

vs.

chronic migraine disorder that can be triggered by wearing my hair up for too long or wearing anything on my head at all

vs.

ppl telling me they like me more with long hair&making me feel insecure about having short hair

#im gonna kms #its an every day issue #i dont have this problem when i have short hair #but i HATE feeling judged i get so hyperfocused on it and it makes me so sad and i cant cope w it tbh #its something i work tirelessly to change by trying to be mindful and not give a fuck but #its HARD #so many ppl express how much they like my long hair better and I just wish they'd keep it to themselves #bc now im like rlly insecure about having short hair again #idk.... i remember back in the day when i was working at the smoke shop and had short hair #there were a bunch of girls who would express how good it looked and how theyve always wanted short hair but #their face was too fat or it wouldnt look good on them #and i would encourage them and tell them if its what you want and it would make you happy then it will always suit you and look good #no one in this world has a “face” for short hair #all of our faces suit whatever hair we want for ourselves #but pol have this opinion based off of society constructed beauty standards #and will just outright way or imply #that you look better following those standards #i think ppl should find happiness and self confidence more attractive than adherence to beauty standards #i successfully convinced one of my coworkers and an old and younger customer to cut their hair short #and they were so bright and excited to show me after they did it #and i hyped them up to hell and back like it made me emotional bc it takes courage to embrace your happiness #despite others judgements #im just #not as brave anymore #im rlly tired tbh #anyways srry im just emotional bc my head hurts and im overstimulated from my hair touching my neck jshfjekduriwj

[piplupod]

head in my hands. i promise i am not a scary unhinged person fdsgjkl, and none of my silly happy posting is fake, i am just very good at repressing and partitioning things. i can be having the worst day of my life and still enjoy jokes and be genuinely having a good time with my silly little characters and stories i come up with. this brain LOVES to section off shit that is genuinely unbearable (because how else do you live with that? if not putting it in a place where you cannot feel it?) so that i can cope and find joy in life still fsdjkl i simply love having a good time too much to ever make it up

#pippen needs 2nd breakfast #i want to make friends and be a pleasant person to be around so badly but fhdsjkl then . this household hurts me as it is wont to do #and i have a small breakdown here bc it all feels so awful and i feel like if i keep it locked inside and hidden i will actually CrackTM #and then i feel like that is . well. understandably! a lot! for other ppl to see #and it is very upsetting and scary and awful to read. i know. im so well aware fjdskl #but also augh. augh augh augh. i try very hard to not post abt things as much as i humanly can avoid doing so #but i am very silly and fuck up my own rules for myself when i have a particularly bad experience w mother o' mine #i am worried that if i say anything to the effect of ''life is terrible and i am straight up not having a good time'' #then it makes all my other posting look disingenuous or smth. i am literally just posting what is on my brain currently when i post stuff #and oftentimes my brain is like... a silly little swirl-patterned rubber bouncy ball with a happy face on it HDSGJKL #that is like... a lot of my whole deal as a part of the brain fsdfjkl #even with all the grief and upset i can still have a good time bc we stay silly !!!! by god we stay silly through it all !!! #i will shrug my shoulders and say ''ah well what can ya do!'' after getting screamed at or told i'm a disappointment to the family lmfao #because honestly... what can you do dsfkl it is what it is and theres rly nothing i can do about this all #anyways i am talking toooooo much sorry fdsjgkl once again i will delete all this later so i dont upset ppl too much dsjkl augh augh sorry

[rashfordian]

daily shuffle ting 📸

#im having a mid crisis when im not even middle aged n i dont wanna go back to school #good day and good night. i wanna sink into the floor #bc a football club i decided to support with my heart n soul has betrayed me n i dont even like to watch games anymore #also im reading a drarry fanfiction like im 13 again. #and my skin is awful. and and and im having a crisis n so many emotions that i dont even know where they stem from #i cant even smile properly anymore ive been facial training again bc ive slacked during covid n now — #i dont know how to my eyes have expresseds n i dont know how to smile or look like i care and i TOOK A HARDER HISTORY CLASS FOR NO REASONNN #I DONT EVEN LIKE HISTORYYYYYYYY #and i hate everything n ive been avoiding all my friends n texting ppl less n im just in a Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #i feel worthless n disgusting n my first thought when i wake up is 'i gotta take my acnetame and maybe if i deserve it i can shave my legs' #i naired one of them— my right. she is smooth in ways she hasnt been in a while. my left? chewbacca #n my school changed my passwords for my canvas so now tmr at 1:30 !! I GOTTA WALK UP THERE N GET MY NEW PERSONAL INFORMATION #the clothes i bought i didnt rlly like. but i just wanted to leave the store n make my grandmother happy. now im going into the school year #with clothes i hate n they dont feel gpod and theyre Not the right texture theyre too tight. But not in ways i love theyre too Tight. #n i .s.msneenen all my shoes r blk !!!! theyre all blk !!!! #sjsndjddjd and my hair !!!! my hair!!!!@ sjdjdjdu #God i just wanna lay in my room take showers n rot #roll around and hit myself on my headboard so hard i go into coma n i miss my entire year #n then i fuck off to hershey for chocolate bars and chocolate bags #cant even scrapbook right itsall paint its all paint n aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh im in agony bc im not even saying whats rlly wrong with me #im focusing on the little problems and not the one it stims from. Like a web but if the spider only hang off the edge n never the middle #n everyone keeps talking at me n when i respond they yell at me for everything n i get pushed to the side #bc they hate whatever i have to say for whatever reason n wtv ig i hate them back. always pushing me down fuck them fuck them get out. #n now my friend is texting me her stuff after never speaking to me unless she has a problem #Anyways. sorry sorry. im whining im complaining im really depressed rn n def not in the right headspace to post any of this #or talk to anyone who is reading this. this probably doesnt make sense i left holes in my sentences #so sorry super sorry #that is a photo of me as a baby btw. it is the only one. please love her and maybe tell her she has nice eyebrows. she'd love that #we always take rlly good care of our eyebrows. thats a rule. we just plucked them today #anyways. see you. ill post hp gifs later n forger i ever felt bad to beginning. all of the best.

[mieczyhale]

one of the guys that runs a reaction channel i've been watching for ages just announced that they're ending the channel next year bc he got a job offer and he's getting married and he's thinking about his family and his future and like...

my son in christ you are 21

i literally want to fucking die

#dont get me wrong! good for him! i'm happy for him #but he really said he started the channel when he was younger (turns out that was 18) and it felt like time to move on #i am 31 and only got the job i love a year and a half ago #i have been dating and living with the same person for... 10 years in 11 days and all i've ever wanted is to get married #(and be a mom but i dont think im ever getting that one but im gonna go ahead and focus on that one zero percent or i'll cry) #i say. like all of this doesnt make me want to cry lmao #i am so incredibly blessed to have what i have. like truly i ended up with the perfect sort of life for my awkward mentally ill ass #but i cannot NOT spiral just a little when people younger than me have the things i want so so bad and then also talk as if their young age #is older than it is. i know you feel mature and older but you are still so fucking young. and okay honestly - now that im rambling - thats #just part of it huh?? i mean a lot of the spiral is actually Wow. I really lost so much of my life (so much time. so many opportunities) to #mental illness and other shit i couldn't control and there are people who didn't fucking have that. there are people who didn't have to #deal with any of that!!! honestly!!! and you just.. dont do anything to prepare for the future when you do not expect there to be one for #so long and then you can't stop fucking everything up and then oh look! you're in your 30s and- #god i cannot fucking do this #it is 1:35 in the morning and im tired but now i feel really stubborn about going to bed. i should. i want to. but also i dont. #actually going to bed is where The Horrors are so #this really was the dumbest fucking shit i think im gonna go to bed & play p.m on my phone and try to be a little less pathetic #maison speaks

[weird-life-of-a-closet-fangirl]

No one talk to me I am currently thinking about the "smothered to death by mark" ending and wondering how long it took for the resentment to break him. Did it start out small, with him just hiding bits and pieces of himself in order to avoid demerits? Did he slowly begin hiding things from the captain, the person he once said he trusted more than himself, because he thought he would be punished for being himself? How long did it take him to realize that him being hurt over and over again was not worth whatever fleeting praise he got from the captain? That he was limiting himself from living a life for himself, that this version of the captain could never adore him the way he had once adored them? How many years of constant punishment did he take before he finally gave up? I am in shambles I feel so BAD for engie my poor boy :((

#iswm #head engineer mark #y/n captain #for the record i hated sending him in to do all the things #he always came out looking all ragged #but the only other option was to k word ourselves by fixing it from the outside #AND HE REMEMBERED US THROWING OURSELVES OUT OF THE SHIP TOO :(((( #that route is just 'hurt mark or die and start over' and i shouldnt have played it when i was in the middle of an episode lol im sad now #i know it doesnt stay like that and their dynamic shifts #which is good #but it still makes me sad that there is a universe where the captain just uses mark #like i dont think they do it maliciously either they just seem to forget that he's a human with feelings and thoughts #bc he's always so willing to do things for them #anyway #one day i'm gonna come up with a happy headcanon for them I SWEAR

[imthatwannabeauthor]

.

#ok. nobody fucking look at me about this post but #my biggest fucking guilty pleasure thought fantasy is fucked up #its like. its usually like me interacting with someone that has either power or i like look up to #and they interact with me and they interact with me and were happy and alls well until i flinch when they raise their hand or something sim #and they notice. and they make me pause and talk about it and i dont have to feel bad about i dont hae to feel about talking about it #i can say all of it everything and i dont have to feel bad because theyre ok with me talking about all of it everything #and and and i can leave. the find a wy for me to leave #and i dont even have to hurt my parents feelings or have her threaten to commit suicide or have to quit college #i can leave #and im safe #and and i can just not be here #but its ok because i still have a good relationship with them and i can come back when i want and visit but i dont have to be here #i can leave when i want because i dont have to be in this house with them #its my biggest fantasy #itll never happen #i think sometimes i will never be able to move out of this house #i will never get the future ive been reaching for #trapped. here. forever

[femme-malewife]

Not to be mean but can people not send me asks, asking if they can "liph//yo beam" me?

#im sorry but i do not ship it. at all. #the ship makes me viscerally uncomfortable. #also imo??? hiyori deserves So Much Better than lxl #like. they treat her so awfully when it comes to romance that its just sad to read abt #like if you ship it!! good for you!! im glad that the ship makes you so happy!! /gen #but that ship is NOT for me!!! i just. also. #do not like the whole ''i have trauma with women but you're different cuz you're not like other girls'' trope that they would have #hiyori deserves someone who wont literally call her ugly and say that she'll be rejected bc she doesnt look pretty #and that she NEEDS to throw all of her ''ugly clothes'' away. like im actually mad that they made lxl tell her that in canon #lxl are shallow assholes. i love them but theyre genuinely so horrible to her and they literally told her that #she wont be a heroine bc she doesnt look pretty anymore. i cannot like a ship that puts one down so much like that. #im sorry. normlly i wouldnt rant abt a ship i dont really like in the tags but im trying to keep this post out of the main tags #to avoid upsetting people who had nothing to do with this ^^ #but this isnt the first time ive gotten asked that or been sent unsolicited liph//yo #even though my blog makes it VERY CLEAR how i feel abt the ship :/ #sooo ^^^

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#srry for the continued pause in scribbles ive been feeling not very good at all #idk something just broke in my brain after our last sampling trip idk y bc it wasnt that bad but when i got back #it was just a couple days of my brain being real crazy in terms of thought patterns. it still kinda continues to b like that #but idk i haven't had a session of hysterical crying today so maybe im on the mend. its weird i haven't felt this bad in a really long time #i dont even have the energy to complain about it its just no joy. burned streight thru that. bruned streight thru my desire to draw #i mean i still draw every day but its like shitty i dont have time scribbes bc idk it all feels so fucking pointless. and im terrible at #hiding how i feel abt things so my boss is like: maybe u should take a break this weekend i dont want u to burnout. like. lady we crossed #that bridge way back in March. u r speaking to a ghost. i just. i dont kno if i can stay here until like next july at least if not longer #and it sucks bc i kno someday ill look back and this time in my life will make me real sad bc im laying here choosing to make myself #miserable and i somwhere halfway across the country my mum has tumors growing in her abdomen. and i cant go home for Thanksgiving and idk #how long ill get at Christmas. not bc anyone is telling me i have to stay. my brain just wont let me do things. i just lay here in my #increasingly chaotic apartment not taking the steps to get refunded for travel expenses worrying over deadlines and agonizing over social #interactions. worrying about all the things my brain wont let me do that need to be done and not taking the steps to get better #its stupid and annoying and i know its only going to get worse when i have to start taking measurements in the lab #ive at least been practicing a lot of german tho lmao. someday ill look back like: lol remember when u got super depressed and filled the #void with learning german? literally today my dyslexic read the word albeit as aber and it was v disorienting #idk its just fun and i feel like im at least being productive. so yea idk when ill b able to post scribbles again #but i thought id at least post something while i had the energy i accumulated by taking with a happy Canadian lab group #maybe ill join them in a year idk idk decisions decisions and so many applications the cost of which is trying to dissuade me from #getting a tatt0o :-P ay ay ay live a little! pls i beg u. but no prob not. against the rules #unrelated

[nomaishuttle]

i am just a small dog girlie and they are my best friends. i love them sm

#I LOVE LARGE DOGS AN EQUAL AMOUNT TO BE QUITE HONEST.. but i feel thats not super unpopular so i talk abt small dogs more #bc i need them 2 know I am with them when other ppl call them ugly or yappy or annoying #or aggressive i hate it when ppl label small dogs as aggressive when its like. Thats bc ppl dont train their dogs #and the dogs are very territorial andanxious and untrained #bc its 'funny'when a small dog is stressed out. eff etc my lecrure i do everytime i start thinkin bout dogs #but yss.. i fr just love dogs #ABD CATS I LOVE CATS TOO!!! i dont believe in the dichotomy i think theyre both good animals. and good for different ppl #abd its finr to have preferences but i hatee the whole like EWWWW CAT OWNER CAT MEAN SND EVIL!! and EWEW DOG OWNER DOG LOUD SND SNNOYING #like ok. whatever dude. what if we just loved our animals. and took care of them. yk. what if the world was made of pudding #and we all were like I personally wouldnt want to have a cat but i think its nice that you have one and that that makes you happy :] yk... #isnt there enough HATE and VIOLENCE in this world!!! #sry guys im waiting for my headphones to charge for my beddybye time so im just talkin. yk how it is #but yas. i love small dogs i love large dogs i get certain critiques for each.. and im glad that ppl are able to say I wouldnt be able to #live with or properly take care of this type of dog. i think thats a good thing #i just wish ppl wouldnt like. blame the dog. for being a dog #yk . idk.. they r our friends guys.. #ik irs like. Overly sensitive but seeing ppl call dogs stupid or ugly makes me so sad sometimes #bc like they fr cannot help it whatsoever. we literally bred them to look these ways #i think its fine to be like This dog is sort of silly looking bc i do that. some dogs just are very silly looking #but idk.. no need 2 be hateful. they r all gods creatures Grins.. #but anywaysbyas sry j rambled. i talk more abt small dogs even tho i love all dogs mainly bc ot THE HATERS! and also bc well famously my #favourite dog breed is the quintessential small dog. EL WAWA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[devotedlystrangewizard]

the corpse of king minos is very fucking big and Scary but you can parry his punches pretty easily and thats the easiest way i can explain how good ultrakill feels

#but even when the game is actually hard and kills me several times i dont feel like quitting? #i turn it off after 2 - 3 missions because thats the amount of time it takes for my body so get so Over Excited it stops aiming right #but i havent actually felt like ragequitti g #because the game just feels so good #i can ramble about how good ultrakill feels for HOURS bro #ramblings #switching between guns. the variants. coin tossing never gets old. accidentally exploding yourself with your own shotgun #fucking. SOUND EFFECTS #that too like when you parry. that sound?? makes my autism happy #THE SLIDING SOUND AOUGH #the fact that it does sound like ur made of metal but not in a bad screechy way that makes me want to cry #in a world where realistic movement physics are the norm having this much control. god #the witcher 3 is one of my favorite games ever. just as an example. but i DREAD playing that again knowing how walking around feels #yes sometimes in ultrakill you overshoot something because youre Fast but thats also just me needing to stand perfectly right for terminals #'look we have realistic physics' ok COOL BUT ARE THEY ACTUALLY FUN TO PLAY WITH #hyperrealism is impressive in videogaming YES but its also led to this monolith. in triple a #i do want to give credit where its due once i got used to the destiny warlock jumps (blink especially) that game felt really good too #but ultrakill doesnt force me to socialize and has a much more pleasant community so im fine where i am rn. actually #ive done all totk dungeons (I THINK) except for the final chasm and let me tell you. i dont want to fight any of those bosses ever again #why js that relevant? ive already beaten 1-4 twice and will probably go for my second 3-2 run tomorrow. THIS GAME. BOSSES. AAAAAAA #i love totk but those bosses were a fucking nightmare #thats gonna be a separate post

[jvzebel-x]

🦋

#hmmmm. #so as a rule i say thank you when i go out. a lot. bc i was told once that saying thank you instead of im sorry #would make ppl feel less uncomfortable so i swapped the phrases out. #similarly i was told once that compliments make ppl happy&also if im specifically looking for Good Things #i will find them-- as opposed to letting my head do whatever it wants bc given the extremely violent intrusive+obsessive thoughts #directing it towards Good Things works out for everyone if ppl enjoy compliments. #im also like. extremely aware that these facts-- along w my fervent occasionally manic insistence on being Nice when interacting w ppl #(bc i thought we all were told as kids to treat others the way we wanted to be treated??? lmao.) #-- all add up to make me seem insincere at times or to some ppl. i. dont care. LMAO. #its too exhausting to care. like ppl find whatever they want to find&if ppl are so set on my being a certain way #so much so that my being a nice person can only be explained by nefarious intent (to acheive. what. kindness from others? lmao.) #how in the fuck can any of that be my fault or-- MUCH more importantly-- my problem??? #however lately its like ppl have been getting like. Offended. by the impulses. which is becoming... boring. for me. lmao. #bc it isnt like i dont mean it when im extensively polite&complimentary-- i mean everything i say bc even when anxiously filling silence #i dont like wasting my time on like. lying for no reason lmao. #its more so that if it becomes a hinderance to be myself ill go the route that benefits me which is the one of least resistance #&i will ALSO mean it when i make someone cry w exactly the same amount of effort lmao #bc proving a point-- even if its proving someone elses point-- correct is extremely easy either way lmao. #its weird to me that ppl would think seeing good in something means that seeing bad in it isnt possible lmao #the same way its extremely confusing to me that ppl would think kindness&abject cruelty cant like. coexist lmao. #i feel accepting that on a micro level would help ppl accept it on a macro level. #either way i know it would save me some time in having to deal w ppl biting off more than they can chew #before realizing that i will rip chunks out of them&lick the tears up like a dog if they insist on tempting me like one LMAO. #at the very least it might help more ppl appreciate the fact that regardless of how vivid the fantasies #i have yet to hit anyone repeatedly w a baseball bat to relieve some stress. #... lmao.

[velocitic]

sorry to be vulnerable on main. but i am thinking about how i used to buy clothes that were 2-4 sizes too small for me (bc of the Problems) and then when i got older i would always buy clothes that were 2-4 sizes too big on me (bc of the Problems in a different direction) and anyway. i have recently made the effort to buy clothes that are my size and fit me as i am and as they are intended to fit a person. and i'm hot now thank you and good night

#because for a long time (bc of the problems) i saw clothes as #a milestone marker or a challenge or a goal or a reward. you must lose X amount of weight to ride this ride #(the ride being. self acceptance etc.) so i would buy clothes too small w the caveat that i would simply change to fit them. #and Then when i was older and went through treatment. i started buying clothes way too big on me #bc of the problems but mostly bc i wanted to hide from the problems #& myself & other people & i felt i had somehow failed my years task of fitting smaller sizes #im almost 3x as heavy as i was when i thought i took up too much space to be loved #i still struggle with taking up space #but i buy clothes that are my size and i dont cringe away from it #or dwell on clothes i buy that i find out are too small #bc i still cannot deal w changing rooms. at all. and i simply do not buy things that make me feel bad anymore. and its as if suddenly #and without any warning. im actually very happy w my look. the issue was never with me #eating is still. hard a lot of the time. for a lot of reasons. but my clothes fit. and thats good. thats ok. they should do that #anyway i got a body harness with batwings on it and i got a lot of compliments on them and i had fun going out and i didnt #think not even once about how i looked the whole time i was around other people #i just existed! how lovely! #[you have mail!] #tbd #ed//