#it is possible that ‘i am feeling this way bc i have ADHD’ would work for some

[krypticcafe]

Hi! I love your writing sm!!! Could I request how the boys + könig would react to a reader with curly hair? (We’re talking tight, kinky coily curls)

COD:MWII Boys w/a curly-haired partner

rating: PG-13

character(s): GN!Reader, Kyle "Gaz" Garrick, John Price, John "Soap" McTavish, Simon "Ghost" Riley, Gary "Roach" Sanderson, König, Hound

warning(s): none

a/n: aw thank you! And I love this request!! I'm not someone with curly, kinky hair, but I hear a lot about how they're super underrepresented. Even I'm tired of the "brushed his hand through your hair" or the "y/n with a messy bun/straight hair" bc PLEASSEE, my hair is a rat's nest, this would not work 💀 Anyways, I hope I did you justice and lmk if I got anything wrong!!

Gaz

Let's be honest, it's nothing new to him. He's experienced with coily, kinky hair, whether it be himself or his family or a friend.

I actually like to think he experimented with longer hairstyles before cutting it for military.

He gets you the most out of all of them, honestly. Knows exactly what you mean when you need a certain product or talk about maintenance, doesn't belittle you when you get upset over your hair, and helps a lot, too.

He doesn't have to do as much maintenance, so he doesn't use too much product, but sometimes he'll eye yours and make a note to try some for himself.

Since you and Gaz can trust each other, you sometimes have nights where you help style each other, just to spend some quality time.

Also yes, you guys have matching bonnets, it was actually his idea. You guys take so many pics together, too.

Gaz will notice if your hair looks healthier or fresher, and while he always thinks your curls are beautiful, he'll make extra compliments so that you know that he pays attention.

Oh, and if you do something special with it? He's all over you, all like, "What's the special occasion? Or am I just lucky today?"

Price

Your hair was one of the many reasons Price had noticed you so much, particularly because the military didn't really allow room for soldiers to do much with their hair and most have to gel it down if necessary.

When you tell him about the amount of care that goes into it, he starts thinking that his facial hair routine isn't so bad after all.

Once you get together, he starts looking into the product you need to get.

Unfortunately, he will have a bit of a hard time, so it's probably best if you show him the ropes for stuff like oils for protective styles, specific tools you use, etc. Otherwise, he'll be wandering around the aisle for a while. Please.

Sometimes, there'll be days where both of you guys take up the bathroom and go through your routines together, it's a pretty good way for him to learn your process and for you to learn his. There's a mutual respect.

Realistically, I don't think you would let either party take over for each other. At least, not for a long time.

If you put on a real nice outfit and let your natural hair out, oh this man will be on his knees, so use that information wisely.

Soap

Ooo, he's obsessed, I'm telling ya!!

Definitely gets stunned at how much it takes for you to take care of those curls, but not surprised that it's so difficult.

He does kinda wonder how you deal with it if you're someone that's on the battlefield.

You definitely had to tell him off for toying with it once, and he has stopped, but it's taking every inch of him to keep his ADHD ass from mindlessly twirling one between his fingers whenever you guys cuddle. But he isn't gonna do it! Unless you let him, then he loves how the texture feels.

You won't admit it, but sometimes you only let him touch it because of how happy it makes him, and you know he's being as respectful as possible.

He'll always be your #1 hype man too! Loves it when you experiment!!

You've definitely caught him wearing your bonnet multiple times, too.

One time, you decided to tease him by guiding him to help you detangle your hair, and frustration was absolutely worth it.

He got so pouty afterward when he had to give up, but you let him know he did a good job trying.

Ghost

He doesn't mean to be rude but he's definitely like "Can't be that bad."

And then you show him your grocery list.

It is that bad.

He gets frustrated and just buys one of everything, walking out of the store with like a dozen bags. He memorizes the ones you pick so there's that at least.

Don't mind him, he's just a bit blunt because he'll then ask, "Why don't you just cut/gel it?". Just explain it, and he'll respect your choice, though it intimidates him a little.

At one point, you're actually the one that lets him feel your hair, so he knows what it's like. He would never touch it unless invited, he's got too much self-control. People also become too intimidated by him to try to touch your hair too, so that's a plus.

It oddly soothes him, he likes how the texture feels on his fingers and especially when it's softer than usual.

One time, you used your own hand to help guide his through your hair, and oh man, was he flustered. Mans was glitching out for a few seconds.

Roach

He thinks your curls are so cute,

Like he literally can't stop watching you because of how they move when you walk.

On occasions where you let him touch it, you'll find that whenever you both are close to each other and really deep in an activity or conversation, he'll absent-mindedly roll a curl between his fingers.

His hands are good for many things, signing, fighting, and other fun stuff. Styling your hair is included!

One of his favorite things to do is help you find and try new styles with your hair. Roach loves looking up and researching about your hair type and what you can do with it, he finds it all super interesting!

Often buys you clips, beads, or whatever he thinks is pretty so you can try it on!

Loves to kiss your head because of how your hair tickles his face a little. He's been tempted to just bury his face in the back of your neck just to plant a bunch of kisses on more than one occasion.

On days where you put extra care into your curls, he's absolutely showing you off to everyone! He wants others to know how hard you worked to look so damn good!! (Gary says it's a full-time job, really)

König

Expect to find him staring all starstruck a lot.

Like a lot.

When you tell him it's your natural hair, he's surprised, he thought you just did a lot of work to make your curls so coily.

He once asked (very) politely if he could touch your hair, and because he was (extremely) nice about it, you let him.

Only for him to panic when the velcro from his glove got caught and he apologized a dozen times over. Afterwards, he treated you like porcelain, keeping his hands straight at his sides around you and acting like a spooked animal.

It got to a point where you had to confront him and tell him it was an honest mistake, and he didn't have to apologize which made him apologize more.

On the other hand, König enjoys watching you do your hair, just sitting there quietly with the occasional question. Sometimes, he helps comb your hair, but that's the most he'll let himself do since he doesn't want to mess things up.

Really loves how your products smell.

While he thinks you look amazing no matter what, he likes it best when you go natural.

Hound

Knows a lot more than you expected. They aren't well-versed, but they know more than the average person when it comes to the deal with kinky hair.

They'll go out with you on shopping trips and often help you pick out scents, one that you like but one that isn't too sensitive for their nose, it's something you didn't expect them to enjoy so much.

You can trust her to always have stuff on hand for you if you live separately or in different quarters. Oils, creams, custards, moisturizers, a hair pick (all from your fave brands, of course), she's got you.

He surprises you again when you come home one day, way too tired to do your routine, so he offers to do it for you.

If this was a test, they passed!! They even knew how to brush your hair the right way not to damage it and had already refilled some of your stock.

After that, you often find him helping on wash days when you're far too exhausted, as his way of pampering you. His favorite thing is doing your edges.

Her scary dog privileges also help ward off weirdos trying to touch your hair, and much like Soap, she hypes you up regardless if it's a frizzy day or a special occasion.

Expect them to be mildly addicted to the way your hair smells, it's literally one of their comforts because of how much it reminds them of you.

#x reader #cod x reader #call of duty x reader #call of duty #cod #codmwii #codmw2 #call of duty modern warfare 2 #gaz x reader #kyle gaz garrick x reader #captain price x reader #john price x reader #soap x reader #john soap mctavish x reader #ghost x reader #simon ghost riley x reader #könig x reader #roach x reader #gary roach sanderson x reader #task force 141 x reader #hound x reader

[courtrecord]

On twitter sometime ago you described your writing habits as something similar to my own (slow, tedious, perfectionist, compulsive, agonizing over getting the words perfect instead of editing later, etc) And you also wrote a lot of dope things like Galactic 2E and Venture that are I hope you dont mind me saying, deeply inspirational. So coming from someone who hasnt Gotten There yet I have to ask, how do you get yourself to get up and just write the damn thing already?

omg thank u so much, that means more than i can possibly say. i wish i had a better set of advice but honestly so much of my creative work is vibes and hyperfixation based, and every time i finish something i look back on it like “how the fuck did i do that”, but here are the things that work for me. they are very much based on my own particular adhd and writing hangups so ur mileage will definitely vary.

start small: i didn’t start writing ttrpgs with big projects like venture & g2e. i started with a 200 word game, then some one-pagers, then kept growing from there. @jdragsky has talked a lot about the importance of building the skill of finishing things, and small projects are a really good way of doing that. hell, even g2e only exists bc i started with the smaller project of galactic, then went back to it a year later to build on it again.

share as u go: when i started working on bigger games, and this year as i’ve been working on longer fics, friends to share screenshots of my wip have been invaluable. that way i can get the immediate validation of someone reading my thing and giving feedback without feeling like i need to Publish it yet. biggest shoutout in the world to my friends who tolerate my writing nonsense.

write in chunks: this is kind of the combination of those first two points. bob games are big piles of little lists. i tend to write fic in short, impactful scenes. i have a wip that’s an sbr game, which is a big pile of little advances. that way, i am constantly getting that feeling of accomplishment when i write something. i can agonize over word choice and vibes and editing but then i actually get to a stopping point, where i like that little bit enough to move on to the next one. it seems crazy looking back that i wrote 36 places & 36 traits for g2e, but i didn’t just sit down and knock them all out. i wrote a few, sent them to some friends, then i wrote a few more. u know?

don’t force it: sometimes, the vibe just isn’t there. sometimes, u spend a year doing barely any writing or game design bc there’s a pandemic and ur brain doesn’t work anymore. etc. i’ve thought a lot the past few years about the difference btwn the feeling of wanting to write bc i want to write the thing, and the feeling of wanting to write bc i like the idea of being the person who wrote the thing. when i realize i’m in that second mindset, i go and think about something else. bc no good writing comes from that (at least ime)

find what u like: this is kinda related to the one above, but it’s another thing i’ve been thinking about lately. i spent a lot of time when i was younger assuming that bc i like writing, i had to write a novel, bc that’s what writers do. i would try to follow writing advice made for people who simply aren’t me. “writers must learn to use description sparingly” lol way ahead of u. that kinda thing. realizing that i love writing fanfiction for its transformativity, and i love writing dialogue bc it’s what i’m good at, was a huge revelation. i can just do that. i don’t have to follow the regular writer mold when i can just write really fucking good dialogue-heavy fanfiction. and in that realization, i’ve been able to grow as a writer by gaining the ability to write things down that i’m happy with, and grow from there.

prescription adderall: i told u this list was a mess. this one has kinda been crucial for me. i realized i had adhd in my first year of college in 2017 and started taking adderall for my second year of college in mid-2018. i started churning out creative projects in 2019. coincidence? absolutely not oh my god are u kidding

#<333 #i can’t figure out how to put a ‘read more’ thing in on mobile but this isn’t like.. That long right? it’s fine #writing #bumbleeaintme #look people talk to me

[aucatgirl]

I got diagnosed with bipolar 1 w/ psychotic features in October, but I’m talking about it more now bc it’s really starting to sink in how much it explains for me… like… woag. This is crazy. My behavior is actually explainable and relatively common. Not only am I not overreacting for continually saying I had an undiagnosed mental illness, but it is as severe as I believed. Sometimes your intuition is right

For years I felt crazy whenever I told people I had psychosis But Only Sometimes, and couldn’t figure out what could possibly cause that. Apparently around half of people with bipolar 1 have psychosis during episodes and then have memory loss/regret after the fact. That’s wild.

Getting misdiagnosed as ADHD despite not having symptoms as a child? So apparently bipolar and ADHD can present very similarly on the surface. Had no clue about that. What’s funny is that I would “switch” between hyperactive and inattentive types. Not how that works, lol

Getting way motivated to write and write and write forever but only sometimes? Very common and recorded thing, the reason why a lot of famous writers have bipolar. One of my psychiatrist’s other patients wrote a large poetry book in less than a week. I wrote a fantasy novel in a month

The thing I feel the most shame about, self isolating at the slightest stress and having a sort of “on and off” approach to relationships? Whoops. Not great, but common, typically a result of rejection sensitivity and/or psychosis. It’s the unfortunate reality that you may be difficult to be friends with. It’s not worth getting into a self-hate spiral for, though, there are plenty of patient people in the world and you just have to keep learning to manage

And the thing I always beat myself up for, I felt like I couldn’t get help because I cycled through “mental illness? What mental illness? I’m totally fine!” to “I need serious help but I feel too depressed and awful to do it”. Super common. It’s the reason a lot of people w bipolar stop taking their meds. That’s wild, too.

I really wish I’d known these things about bipolar outside of the basics before because I might’ve recognized it in myself. Or maybe not, because self-awareness in bipolar tends to be extremely low, and so was mine!!

#🐈 #not a PSA just a personal ramble lol #this is leaving out some of the worst stuff cus like. I don’t wanna get THAT personal

[marnz]

2023 review

an extremely long post re: thoughts on this year

2023 was an extremely weird and fun year of a lot of personal growth! Late last year I had to take leave from work due to some health issues originating from burn out, and going into this year I was extremely nervous about returning to work. I was also determined to do more events and activities this year, which was my ~covid resolution~. And this year turned out to be way different from anything I could have imagined! Not only was returning to work successful, I could quickly tell that the time I took off was instrumental to my health going forward. The skills and perspective shift I practiced and worked on quickly proved themselves to be really important and I felt much better in just about every situation with them on board. I don't want to pretend that this year wasn't difficult--it was, it was stressful and full of a lot of hard work and uncertainty because I did a lot of stuff I had never done before, and tried a lot of new things, and also tried to make some decisions regarding my future. But all of that growth led to some really good things, which I wanted to document.

Good things:

got my driver's license

started doing yoga, which has been great for stress relief. now at the point where I have started to do it independently instead of relying on a class

got back into knitting and knit my first sweater!

saw several shows this year! and I went to a lot of them with friends

befriended some people at work! I always find it challenging to make the leap from work-friend to friend, but turns out going to concerts with people makes that happen. This is also nice bc a lot of my local friends have moved away due to cost of living

made a lot of training progress with Piper. Walking her is so much easier & enjoyable now, and I think our relationship has gotten even better. This has been a multi year project.

read 63 books this year, 13 more than last year. Audiobooks have been a life saver, and reading didn't feel like a chore the way it did at the end of last year.

returned to work successfully, started working on cool projects at work, and have gotten some recognition for it!

went to europe! on a sort of delayed honeymoon

wrote a couple more short stories and worked on original long term fiction a bunch

spent more time kayaking! and more time outside in general, hiking, walking piper, running, etc

got elected VP of the union and became a shop steward, which has been both very rewarding and very challenging

set clear financial goals that I am making progress towards

started being able to eat eggs again! not sure how this happened but it's been a life saver. thank you, immune system.

survived getting covid 😩

started adderall and oh my god....a game changer.

got better at setting boundaries

next year, I would like to work on:

becoming a morning person! I used to be a morning person and then when I got really depressed I lost that power. I know it's possible for me if I take the right steps. I've already started working on it because i'm a masochist

running. I hear it's so good for stress relief and it is so common in my field, plus it is a more attainable form of outside time than hiking (requires driving long distances, waiting for weekend, etc) or kayaking (seasonal, requires buying kayaks, waiting for weekend). my psych also told me that apparently exercise helps stabilize mood and adhd! two things i could def benefit from. i started running today and uhh we'll see how it goes lol. also, i don't drink, i don't smoke, i don't use substances of any kind, give me that fucking runner's high

driving more. driver's license or no, driving still scares me! i want to get to the point where I feel comfortable driving long distances alone, such as being able to take someone to the airport if the train isn't running

continuing big projects at work. honestly I am still considering law school and these projects will give me the chance to think deeply about whether complex litigation is for me.

writing. to be honest, while I still think about my writing projects almost daily, writing just isn't a priority right now. And that's fine. I want to give myself some space and time. i would not have been able to say this a year ago...

using my phone less! something I've noticed is that my phone sometimes makes me feel pretty agitated or i feel overwhelmed by notifications? and that I am happier and able to focus better if my phone is in the other room. for example, when i take a bath I typically put my phone in another room and then i am able to read for hours. I would like to work on this.

continuing creative hobbies. such as knitting, doing more wood working, learning how to sew, etc. brain feel good...

moving & creating a home. we are moving early in the new year, which I am stressed about, but I'm also really excited because it will be a great new space and the location is really, really good. i want to work on making sure this place is as cozy and happy as possible, and also set it up so we can host guests so loved ones can come visit more easily

continuing to build a wardrobe i am happy with! I think I have written before that a lot of my work clothes make me feel like I'm wearing drag, and I'd like to fix that and also continue to knit myself customized pieces I love. like, a sweater vest to wear with a white button down, etc. gender wise i am just vibing but I like menswear more and I would like to continue exploring that

this year I have spent more time talking with my dad and my partner about the future, and while I am still considering law school everyone, including me, is worried about my health w/r/t that, let alone financial shit. my thoughts on this are...I need to have a solid stress management infrastructure in place to be a happy person, regardless of what I do in the future. Knitting & yoga & taking Piper on very long walks daily, plus having stuff to look forward to (shows), has really helped me this year, so I would like to continue exploring that.

as far as work...well I would like it to dictate my life less. right now I'm working from home (office is being remodeled) and I feel like the most boring person alive because I am just. home all the time. I do find work novel because last year I was doing high stress complex litigation and absolutely falling apart over it and this year I'm so chill while doing the same sort of thing. mainly because I have spent so many hours building stress management processes, working on perfectionism, getting perspective, and i've recovered from burn out. game fucking changer! my workload is way too high really high right now, which I don't love, and I keep being put in extremely challenging situations! but that's okay.

anyway. I don't want to misrepresent my life and claim it was exclusively wins this year...there were some really difficult months. December in particular has been so hard. but I'm really happy that I tried so much new stuff this year and I'm excited for 2024.

sending love to y'all! <3

#currently #long post tag #also should i make a post about books i read in 2023 and the best and worst ones?? lmk

[phebess]

Hello, loyal reader of your work here, I've been quiet for too long probably, considering how I eat up your carlando fics, too many thoughts and I'm shy, oops.

You sometimes invite to vent, so here I am, because of the last two chapters mostly. My brain of an artist just couldn't shut up at Carlos. If you like his art and you know he struggles financially, just commission him, commission him, commiss- argh. Commission him like Michelangelo was commissioned to do Sistine Chapel or whatever. And then there's story of my friend, that I can't stop thinking of while reading this, who dated a sex worker, and despite of not that high income as the certain character here, was ready to provide for their partner, so they wouldn't have to sell their body (said partner did not want to give it up though, so they broke up). Like!!! Commission him for stupid high price and you have a good excuse to make his life easier and maybe being able to drop sex work for survival thing! Like I get it, after the whole 'I pay you for the OF stuff' part, paying might feel icky, Lando's pride could make him refuse (he did not have this problem selling his ass to the other guy in ch 1 though and here it's about his supposedly dream work...), but- you already wanted to buy finished painting, so... goddamit, I'm getting too invested and solution oriented, adhd things ig, sorry for yelling 😅

And then there's the racing part, that I'm probably thinking too much about as well. That is for the past chapters, you made Carlos be Ferrari driver anyway, but if it's fanfiction, why not let imagination wander a bit more? Before his team affilation was mentioned and only that he's reigning wdc, I hoped that maybe in this fantasy reality he remained with RB (Merc taking Max in 2015 or 2017, so he was never in RB, CS eventually becoming their main guy after beating DR when it mattered or whatever - there's also this rally driver!Carlos thing that I can't stop thinking about, but that's waaay off topic). Not that it matters, it's just that I can't imagine Ferrari doing things right even in fanfiction, lol. I'm trying not to get too much into how you imagined Carlos getting that concussion with all the HANS, roll hops and halos, because I guess it's my problem being overly attached to details in story that is basically porn with plot and feelings, so bit of drama is a must have, especially considering how amazing your writing for that part is. I hope you don't think I'm taking away anything from where you're going with the story, just some of my own thoughts and your works give me a lot of those, in a positive way.

Okay, I think I vented all I wanted? There are some older fics of yours that I probably should have written similiar wall of text about, but that's it for now 😅

Hi anon! First, thanks for writing out your thoughts - second, happy to touch on some of these:

I totally understand the want for Carlos to commission Lando's work, and I think Carlos actually shares your exact frustration - he has the means to provide for Lando, it would be so easy. But like you said, it's a transaction-based power dynamic that neither of them want in their romantic relationship. He offered by buying the painting, in a way, and Lando's hesitance told him all he needed to know about whether he wanted his financial help.

In regards to Carlos' team, I actually never said he was a Ferrari driver! I didn't name his team at all in this fic – I didn't think it was important to the story, and allows the fic to be kind of timeless in a way.

For the concussion, there are loads of ways to get concussed, from whiplash to flying debris - the Halo's just make it more likely to be just a concussion and not d*ath. As you said, though, i'ts fiction and we love a bit of drama ;)

I try and make things as realistic as possible in my fics, bc glaring plot holes drive me up the wall - so I feel ya. I should have the next chapter posted soon, I hope you're enjoying it!

#carlando fanfiction #Michelangelo's smile

[69consellationsinatrenchcoat]

I am so so sorry, I tried reading your dni and about the system page but it's a bit much for me.

However I did read your studying for psychology, how many years of studying do you have? Does did effect your studies ?

So, I typed up a super long answer to this, and it's gone, and I haven't had the spoons to write it up again… but here we go.

That's totally good honey, it's there partly for our reference and for anyone curious. Literally no pressure to read it! We haven't got to university yet; on the condition we get accepted into the bachelors of psychology program, we'll be starting our psych degree in Feb 2025. Our system has had a burning interest in psychology, well, since we were a kid. We've always been fascinated by the human brain and why people act the way they do. Plus, when our mental health started (heavily) declining when the body was 11-13, we started reading and finding things that we're fascinated by. It'll be three years for our bachelor's of psych plus 3-5 years post graduate (masters, phD or post grad certi.) to become a clinical psychologist.

And yes. DID impacts our education.

[The above message was written by Amber (🔥), I'll take over from here - Kyle 💜]

As Amber said, it impacts our education, and heavily. Since discovering we are a system, we have realised there was a lot of knowledge that went unheard, and passed through the system without any recollection. It finally explained how I (we) would get wonderful marks in subjects I (we) don't remember participating in, particularly statistics/maths. Kaden, my brother, would front, complete the class and get amazing scores, while the rest of us were left scrambling in the dark wondering what happened. I was aware of our system far before our host was for about six years before I had the terminology to explain what I was experiencing. I remember how our host would get confused when they received high marks in statistics while remembering absolutely nothing.

We're at a Christian school, which, I have a love/hate relationship with. As some of you may have seen by my past posts, I'm Christian and proudly queer, however our school doesn't see that that's possible (it seems in their eyes you're either queer, or Christian and never both bc 'queerness is unbiblical'). And it's worsened by our system having an array of religions.

From a straight learning perspective, our notes vary drastically and often information goes missed or unnoticed if we switch out.

We're hoping that once we're healthier and achieving functional multiplicity, that we can use our system as a superpower, especially working with clients. Where our littles can help younger clients feel heard and safe, and where we can match our clients with an alter that matches and/or compliments their communication style, and way of relating to the world. And if we ever end up working with a system (or for that matter, PTSD, depression, anxiety, OCD, autism or ADHD) in therapy, we'll have first-hand experience with it.

#future psychologist #posted by 💜 #posted by 🔥 #did osdd #did #osddid #osdd did #functional multiplicity #multiplicity #anti endo #traumagenic did

[journeytomonkiekid]

Honey hell you are a badass. Ok, I need your secrets. Any advice for sitting down and doing things? I can barely sit down long enough to do a single drawing I desperately want to do.

Aaaaa I don’t know your circumstances so idk what advice would apply.

Not being able to do something even though you want to is a very common sentiment in ADHD.

If you haven’t yet, consider seeing your doctor about if you would benefit from ADHD meds.

Something I’ve learned is I REALLY can’t force things to happen. I only learned about my ADHD in my mid 20s so I’ve learned a lot about myself and how I function, in addition to the 20-some years I spent undiagnosed coming up with coping methods.

What I learned about myself is that there’s a critical set of time in the evening, between 8 pm and 12 am, where where my brain decides “OKAY. TIME TO DRAW”

I’m also kind of… weird about my art bc I have this weird need to make everything into comics instead of like…drawing one picture and explaining everything in text. Which is mainly a fancy way to say, find out where your brain places weight and lean on it. You may not be able to control it fully but you can at least push yourself in the right direction by at least starting there.

When it comes to sitting down and drawing something; it’s different for everyone. For me I start my computer and put my drawing tablet in front of myself open the drawing app, and see what happens. If my body rejects drawing, I don’t force it. If my body doesn’t want to do something, sometimes I just need to wait for it to calm down or get situated. Maybe play some games or watch some videos to relax and maybe eventually my body will be willing to co-operate.

Generally I’ve gotten into a habit of doing all my preparatory work during the phases of hyperattention, so that when I’m not in that mode anymore, all I have to do really is turn my brain off and just draw. It probably helps that comics are kind of a very particular interest that I do no matter what so really it’s hard to say.

When it comes to stand alone illustrations, for instance, I’m not very disciplined at all. I’ve only done two of the drink art stuff bc it’s hard for me to find interest in drawing something that isn’t part of something bigger I guess.

Either way, the best advice I can offer is; listen to your body. If it doesn’t want to draw, maybe you need a break. Get some food, drink something, turn on some music and let your brain wander. Sometimes it just needs to run free for a bit before it’s willing to come back home to work.

Some people say that they find using certain apps or soundscapes to zone in help. You can probably find a bunch of browser or steam apps specifically for the sake of cultivating focus. Find the thing that keeps you in your workspace, even if that means changing where your workspace IS if possible. Maybe sitting down at your desk is too much pressure, maybe you need to grab a pen and some paper and go draw in the living room instead. Lie down on your bed with a sketchbook, or tablet, or maybe just draw as soon as you feel it come on.

Again it’s hard to say, everyone is so different in approach and interest but that’s what I can offer! Sometimes working with new materials or messing with new tools/brushes/programs is what you need to break out of a rut.

Hope that helps

[bandofchimeras]

one nice bpd thing is when you've been thru the idealization and devaluation swing with a new FP and held awareness w yourself and....cooled off? without doing anything nutso like declaring undying Love or trying to banish them from your life.

then you get to hang out with them. and see how they actually are as a person outside your Brain Games. and they're just, cute or nice, or kinda dorky and flawed in some charming way. and it's like OOOOOHHH the idea I had of you in my head is no match, good or bad, for the reality of your humanness in the room with me.

(long post under the read more)

in earlier stages of recovery this settling into equilibrium always gave me the ick. bc my shame was so intense for my own humanness. being human is so stinky and sticky and crusty and mundane and broken sometimes. no wonder our minds make people into gods or demons when sitting with our very vulnerable human selves is so difficult. especially if you have never fully experienced unconditionally accepting love. ideas taste better than reality.

I begin to think that my BPD is rooted in a real fear and real experiences of being abandoned for being imperfect, or not fitting someone's preconceived expectations, or disappointing them in some way. it was hard to accept this bc I have done it to people too. and it is so painful.

but now the next step is finding a new framework for how to say "no" and have boundaries and prioritize people. BESIDES "oh you aren't what I thought you were."

which is a challenge specifically along the ADHD axis of low impulse control, memory issues and generally not understanding how much work is involved in tasks or relationships.... leading to either avoidance of them, or taking on too many.

this is a genuine disability that leads to poor energy management that impacts people I my life. and if people can love me, and they do, then what's between love and us is real barriers of communication and follow through, that can hopefully be addressed.

I really can't keep going through the swing of impulsive relationships that end with abandonment or never end in a tortured half alive state of limbo. it feels impossible to fully let go of anybody or be fully with anybody and that's where the pain comes from.

I think the image instability is related to ADHD object impermanence. I have to practice manually making my brain remember people exist when we aren't in same room, or I am not hyperfixated on them. if someone isn't in the Focus Zone I can still love them but they don't get attention. which....hmm maybe I conflate with love. because of that being such a big need for me.

i wonder if anyone without this disorder overthinks their relationships to this extent, and if they don't how they manage their energy to avoid so many painful patterns???

i do wish relationships took up less space in my life too and I had more ability to lean into hobby time. The unresolved emotions & cycles around interpersonal relationships feel like big heavy magnets that take my energy away from efforts in areas that would be more meaningful. They keep me looping around in specific thought patterns and stories unable to stay in physical reality long enough to complete anything.

I wonder what genuinely falling in love would be like with a person. instead of intense attachment feelings, developing a fondness and sense of compatibility with someone over time as you also become able to trust them. They would have to really love me and have a lot of patience to stick out these mood swings and thought distortions.

But hey that has to be possible because I am a person, and I am developing the patience to love myself!

What still hurts is the question: is there someone out there who will see me and go, he's worth it!. He's worth the trouble! Someone who I also felt love for, that would chose me not based on an idea of who I am but my actual reality. So I don't have to play a role or an image for them.

it's a painful question. but I have to believe maybe it's possible, and even if not, along the way there is plenty of love from animals and trees and community, and friends that will recognize my inherent worth as I learn to.

the borderline asks to be chosen, to be special. Without qualification. But the beauty of love is that everyone always has a choice to love. It's never permanent or guaranteed.

now, how to make peace with that!!!?

this has been a post on the intersection of ADHD, OCD and BPD from my experience.

#recovery #bpd #ocd #musings #adhd #whew #long post

[gloomzi]

RULES ☆

key:

italicized if it's a preference

asteriks if there is a note at the bottom with further context

what i will write :3

canon x canon, canon x reader (if you send a request and want your reader to have specific attributes, tell me, or i'll make it as neutral as possible), canon x oc for friends

readers of any gender (request specific pronouns please! neos, any pronouns, he/they, she/they, whatever floats your boat! if you give no pronouns and no indication of a gender for your reader such as f!/m!/gn!, i will default to they/them or dm you if you're off anon)

queer relationships, het relationships*, polyamory, monogamy, open relationships

dom, sub or verse readers/dom, sub or verse canon characters

most kinks are okay (including stuff like blood, impact play and weapon play) so feel free to get specific in my inbox

neurodivergent or disabled readers (if it's something i'm unfamiliar with i will do research and try my best, but please feel free to leave me pointers in your request to help me!)

oneshots, short series (think 2 or 3 parts), drabbles, headcanons

what i wont write :3

no rape (dubcon is on thin ice), drugging, abuse*, yandere, pregnancy, pedophilia, student/teacher (even if its a college student) or large age gap pairings

nsfw for underage characters

no scat/piss/emeto, no cnc

no comfort works for csa/sa, self harm or eating disorders (writing this would probably trigger me, sorry)

long x reader series

further info :3

you must be +18 to request nsfw or interact with nsfw content (you will be blocked if i catch you breaking this rule)

i wont write verbal/physical abuse between the main pairing but i wouldn't mind doing it as something the reader or the canon character have dealt with in the past (whether that be from a parent/ex partner/friend doesnt matter, you can specify in the request). if the canon character has been abused in their source material i will also include this ofc.

i wouldnt mind writing stuff like codependency or like kill for each other type shit, but there's a fine line between like. guy who kills somebody in defense of their partner bc it makes sense for the story/their character (think characters like adrian chase for example) vs making a character who doesn't rly kill people do that bc then it comes across more ooc and sometimes even yandereish...if that makes sense.

please give me an idea of what you want in a request, don't just send "character x reader" (give me a scenario or at least say like "fluff with [insert character]").

im not the fastest writer unless im really excited about a prompt, please be patient. thanks to adhd i can be a bit of a procrastinator, but if you sent a request please feel free to ask for progress updates (just give me the specifics of what you asked for so i know it's yours). depending on how busy i am irl, if i have writers block and how many requests i have, writing might go faster or slower.

i'll try to do things first come, first serve, but if somebody sends in a new idea that really excites me i might write theirs first even if yours came before theirs bc i have adhd brain and i can write things faster when i'm rly hyped about em

erm idk if anyone cares but im a self shipper so yeah perhaps fics with my f/o's will deranged (in a loving way), if you want a list of my f/o's for those concerned with stuff like sharing, here is a list of mine, i don't mind sharing tho <3 my content is aimed towards selfshippers and i wouldn't wanna exclude anyone who shares so much love for the same lil guys as me

some characters i wont write x f!reader/m!reader for, please check this list before requesting (this is not an issue with any straight/bi/other interpretations of these characters, it just has to do with my comfort level and how i interpret that character)

like i mentioned before, i have adhd and i am specifically unmedicated at the moment, which means sometimes i'll write a lot more of one fandom than the others i'm into. this does not mean you can't request a different fandom! i will always be multifandom, i will always love my past fandoms, it just might take me a bit longer to write your request.

at the end of the day i just wanna keep things fun, writing has been a hobby of mine for over a decade now, so pls try to be kind to me and i'll be kind back! if any of these rules are unclear just send me an ask and i'll try to clarify!

#icky.info #icky.txt #icky.fics

[thegeminisage]

rushed tng update bc i am in a HUGE HURRY. monday we watched "q who" and yesterday i caught "samaritan snare" and "up the long ladder."

q who: had been looking forward to this one for WEEKS. and we were SO SO SO CLOSE. i loved every single thing about the borg. i loved their look. i loved the buildup. i loved their creepy little borg babies. i love their creepy cube ship because getting menaced by cubes is the natural state of the enterprise.

BUT NO ONE. GOT. BORGED

they had the perfect opportunity, too...that ensign, gomez? she could have been beamed out of the ship instead of those 18 people dying and they could have seen her when they beamed onto the borg ship. it would have been a wonderful way to impress how different people are once they get borged. that said i did love gomez and i was glad to see her pop back up in another episode. ms motormouth she's so funny she literally just has adhd thank you star trek for the Woman

like, the climax of that was so...anticlimactic. q just warps them back? that's so boring. i was getting ready to give q another chance despite him being SO FUCKING ANNOYING in all his other appearances because he was kind of funny here. like, i see why you guys kept telling me he had something going on with picard. i find it completely horrible just to be clear but i cannot deny that it is going on

AND i loved whatever he had going on with guinan...she was literally ready to get his ass. i loooved her expanded role in this episode and getting to find out more about her

but to have the episode end by q just being like ok i win i;ll take you back now :) come on. we were doing SO well. i was THRILLED. what a case of blueballs. and i checked and apparently only SIX tng episodes deal with the borg? that is so much less than i thought. huge letdown. oh well.

samaritan snare: i really dont understand what they are trying to do with pulaski and picard...is this supposed to be a romantic thing...idgi and i do not like it. like, what's the point of having him almost not survive this operation and then needing HER HELP SPECIFICALLY when he already stated he was uncomfortable with her doing it? the entire thing just rubs me the wrong way.

largely this episode was annoying and i nearly had to stop and close the tab when wesley tried to daddy issues his way into getting picard to parent him

however 2 good things did happen. firstly was the story picard told about getting his ass stabbed when he was an ensign. "a certain giddy warmth actually i laughed out loud" that was something actually.

and the other good thing as when worf was like "you will die without honor. you will never attain the 24th level of awareness" to geordi like i fucking cracked up for real. i wish tng had less unfunny bad humor and more of that because it was hilarious

up the long ladder: this episode was so bad it's UNREAL.

first of all, did worf and pulaski fuck? did that actually happen? they keep trying to make her romantic will picard and then will's dad and now WORF? what is GOING ON on this fucking ship??

i was actually kind of into whatever she and worf had going on when it was just a "let's be reckless idiots and drink the tea" thing because it was just that fucking stupid that it worked its way around to being endearing but every time i make emotional progress with her i am set back. i'm sorry women.

the rest of this episode was also unspeakable bad way to do clones in the most boring way possible and LMAO at them all hating sex or whatever. because it's a way to make them appear more unnatural <3 ok.

even riker slutting it up with that one irish chick couldn't save it because. and i feel insane saying this. every time those guys were onscreen they played like the funny music. you know. when irish characters get the little jig music and it's funny because they're irish? 90s tv did this a lot. shore leave in tos did it too. i'm so exhausted

ALSO LMAOOO TURNING THIS POOR WOMAN INTO BREEDING STOCK...not even asking her...misogyny wins again. i'm sure we can find another woman somewhere dot meme. good fucking god

i don't remember what episodes come next and i don't care because i'm going in release order and guess what was released next. final frontier. spock movie. it's finally time to see him again.....................

#half an hour to go #personal #star trek blogging #tng lb

[silverislander]

what are your favorite arcane hcs?

oh anon you WANT me to go nuts. i feel like a lot of these are p basic but who am i to refuse that opportunity hfjdkfJFGKD

vi doesn't really have any hobbies rn bc she doesn't let herself do things that don't serve others but i think she'd like to draw a bit!

the hc that vi's a good singer also kills me bc she def sang to powder when they were little even if she WASN'T, but like... imagining her singing to herself on a good day... maybe it's part of smth vander used to play at the bar... :')

on the topic of music i think caitlyn's mom plays an instrument idk why? i just really see her as a pianist somehow?

she probably tried to teach caitlyn so she can play a Bit as well but it's nothing incredible, it was never really her passion

adhd x autistic gfs vi and caitlyn! this is true to me and it's important To Me

jinx tries to climb as high as she possibly can and just. sits there doing whatever and hanging out sometimes. just to prove she can do it now

jinx also leaves vi a present for every holiday. nobody knows how she's getting the addresses but she does send her a genuine gift every time, and there's very rarely a catch or twist to it

caitlyn is physically incapable of watching a movie normally. she's either getting extremely invested to the point of tears and/or Solving The Mystery and she's been like this since childhood. she's also like it with scary movies and the gore will not stop her

vi tries to play along but she's either exactly right or 100% out to lunch and it's 50/50 on which it'll be today

they're terrible to watch movies with because then it's a competition somehow? they both talk over it half the time

the one who can cook is DEFINITELY vi ok. its good and theres always leftovers! a big soup/stew enjoyer i think

neither of them can bake tho which is very funny. for cait its not knowing how and for vi it's "holy shit we can use as much sugar as we WANT?? why would you stop at this much-"

they have an agreement that for every piltover gala/fancy event vi has to go to for work/Dating A Kiramman reasons, she's allowed to drag caitlyn to one (1) party/bar/etc down in zaun! that way, neither of them feel permanently out of place and they both get to learn abt the other's city. also because it's fun for her to get to tease caitlyn about it

vi has never actually like... normally dated someone before. there was a girl she liked before the explosion, but obviously that didn't work out, and then things worked very differently in prison so. just never happened

#anon this is SO many and i realize now it said favourite. hope you like your food in bulk i guess fhjdkGHFDJKS #arcane #vi #caitlyn kiramman #jinx #its mostly abt those 3 bc theyre my favourites yes im biased <3 #levi.doc

[bi-demon-ium]

ok umm i've really not seen any kate stuff? anywhere? so i'd like to hear your thoughts on kate (preferably angst) please!! you are awesome btw <3

ok i don't actually know if you are intending to talk about book!kate or show!kate but i will be mostly if not completely discussing show!kate rip if that was not what you meant but i've seen the show a lot more recently

OKAY. so. i'll start small with some headcanons:

kate is soooo autistic. and adhd. audhd my beloved. yes i say this about pretty much every character i like but with kate it's PARTICULARLY true. (i believe i said in the mbs server the book!kate feels like she has adhd with a side of autism while show!kate feels like she had autism with a side of adhd and i stand by that. but it's vibes based not like, literal.)

but like she can have trouble expressing her feelings, even to herself. she'll either be unable to hide her reactions/expressions, or she'll barely have one at all, and seem unbothered. she's also very blunt and unafraid to state her opinion to anyone, even if it seems "rude". but she isn't rude, really, as it's not that kind of "blunt truth" some assholes like to parade about when they're really just being dicks to everyone. she's still kind, she only says something negative if someone has done something negative (ie, "you are very unpleasant" to someone actively antagonizing everyone in the room is on the table, but just randomly insulting someone for the sake of "blunt honesty" is not. she's never like, mean.)

also shes GAYYYY. or possibly bi, i don't have an opinion on that. on one hand lesbian energy on the other i could definitely see bi bi bi. but if you don't think her and martina got something on i don't know what to tell you. that being said i could also see her as a-spec, but not necessarily in a way that conflicts with Whatever's Going On With Martina. (to be fair, hpwever, one could argue martina was more into kate than vice versa, i could see an argument for aro kate for sure)

green beanie is comfort beanie. she very rarely takes it off. where do you think she got it? angsty answer is somehow it's from her dad, but realistically she probably got it later in life. (doesn't mean she didn't choose it for similar reasons, though... not knowing why she was drawn to the green hat, not remembering it's the same shade as one her father wore....)

also the bucket. i do wonder when she got the bucket. this one, while again a milligan-related reason would be super fucked up (in the fun sad way), i feel like. i feel like it's more that as a kid she felt like she needed to be Prepared. maybe something happened where she wasn't, or maybe she just felt like she wanted to be ready, just in case, all the time. but like. her getting a bucket, modifying it herself, experimenting with different ways to put it on her belt, the inventory changing over the years as some things were discarded or added over time... idk i just think. kate developing her bucket

kate & constance was so good and i want to see more of their friendship. so bad. each realizing the other isn't so bad bc they're forced to work together... chefs kiss. also, the only person other than mr benedict we really see constance actually seem to openly like in some capacity.

kate & sticky underrated. their talk before the cheating was such a good scene. i also want more of this dynamic

i should also mention kate & reynie, which i do genuinely like--the hug is sweet--but i admit is my maybe least favorite of the society dynamics with kate. although i do enjoy the contrast between kate "IM GONNA GO CLIMB THAT TOWER" wetherall and reynie "please why am i the only voice of reason holding this group together" muldoon

i've only explored it in that one fic but i actually think kate & mr benedict would be such a good dynamic, especially because in the show it's inexplicably established he's into engineering. LET THEM BOND OVER BUILDING WEIRD SHIT PLEASE

okay to get a little more into specifics methinks,

i just think a lot about kate like. immediately after season one, and--we'll just. we'll ignore season 2 for now, let's set this in my current anomalous idea of them all in season one (which, rip wetherall farm, but is currently number two & rhonda off at the airshows with mr benedict, constance, milligan, and kate in the house) so like just.

you've been alone your entire life. you've been independent, and you've grown up thinking that the only person you ever had just left you one day for no reason, and in doing so broke a direct promise. and then now, you not only have friends who've you learned to rely on and not just try and do everything yourself, but suddenly you have reliable adults. and more importantly, more specifically, your dad, who never left you but had been taken. had been erased, and even brainswept had never truly stopped looking.

and kate isn't stupid. she heard his story. she knows he must have been through Some Shit. and that he'd have come back if he could. but there's still that pain, that ache, of how long he was missing, for like, more than three quarters of her life! he vanished when she was 3! but now it's like. oh. he did want me. he was taken. he was taken.

so that's an almost identity altering shift in her worldview. and on top of that, her current world is now so completely different: rather than independence and circus life, she's got friends her age who genuinely like her, who she's bonded with through major adversity, and she has adults who actually listen to her and like her. and she has her dad.

and it grates sometimes--she's independent, she doesn't need to be treated like a baby! but also it's like. it's bizarre, because they care, but they don't condescend to her, they do understand she's intelligent and capable even if they want to protect her. and she's never really had adults like that before. not since she was three

so it's a weird mix of like being sort of happy/pleased, because they care, she can rely on them, and being kind of annoyed/frustrated because while she's learned she doesn't need to be entirely independent she still struggles with it. because she's kate wetherall, and she's always prepared, and she feels like she has to be prepared for what will happen if they leave if they're taken from her. she can't rely on them completely, can she? what happens when she loses them again?

and then the mix feelings of old long-buried resentment/anger under buried sadness/loneliness under a crisp crust of i'm perfectly fine, mixed with the new feelings of anger on his behalf, at curtain, sadness at the missing time, at how close he'd been for all these years without either of them knowing it, sadness for him, for herself. but like all of it is still like. under her trying to pretend like she's fine. (and her difficulty expressing emotions, even to herself, does Not Help.)

not to mention as much as genuinely loved the mission in some ways--her new friends (including martina), the adventure, helping people, her bucket coming crazy in handy, etc.--it wasn't exactly a cake walk.

she has nightmares, sometimes: about martina's face when she walked into the waiting room. about sticky's face when he walked out of it. about falling and falling and falling except there aren't warm, safe arms to catch her. about the nodes attached to her face and the long, metallic spires pointed at her, ready to wipe her like her father had been wiped. about her father leaving and never coming home, never being found. about being caught. about losing her friends. about curtain. about all of it.

but she doesn't want to share it because one, she doesn't want them to feel guilty: she did what she had to, and she doesn't regret it. two, and more importantly, she doesn't want them to not let her come on the next mission. (kate had already kind of had the idea that they would have another--they were a team! teams didn't just split up!--but now she's sure of it. curtain's still out there, after all, and he didn't seem the type to just give up.)

i think maybe constance might bully her into talking about it--we already know she can feel dreams (with her comment about sticky dreaming about steak and sticky asking her how she knew that) and as they're on a more even ground she'd be more likely to actually say something. but constance would poke at her about it and probably get her irritated in the process.

(also possible, she talks to mr benedict about this, bc again im a sucker for their dynamic + part of the problem is not wanting to hurt milligan's feelings, and one thing i like about this is i think mr benedict would be extremely kind and understanding about it, and really help like, gently guide her through it, and she'd be like wow adults have never actually helped me before, wild, and then the second she leaves he's like [collapsing into a mess] oh god. oh god. because on one hand he just desperately hopes that helped, and on the other hand, he's having a million crises. oh god. he put actual kids in danger. she's so small number two. number two she's so fucking small and she's having nightmares and it's my brother that took her dad and ohmygodohmygodohmygod. like literally it's like he goes from "kalm" to "PANIK" the second shes out of range. like the dissonance between mr benedict (around the kids, a calm and kindly mentor who seems to know what he's doing for the most part) and nicholas (0.0003 seconds from a panic attack rn, full to the brim with anxiety and guilt) is. hilarious, in a sad way. but i digress, mr benedict tangent over, sorry)

ANYWAY also kate and milligan. like. getting to know him again, and vice versa. this is personally painful for me. like so many years, this disconnect between them hurts, but like. it starts with that hug, with her letting herself lean into his side, letting him put an arm around her shoulders, and he's like. in tears a bit. and like. then over time just. trying to tell each other about their lives--particularly kate recounting her adventures--and marveling a bit at how similar they are in many ways. milligan slowly getting memories back and remembering her as a little girl and seeing her now, all grown up but so small and hurt still, and like. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

i also have so many thoughts head full on them & mr benedict, and also throwing in constance and everyone really, but that's too many and this is already long and i dont even know how to put it to words so i'll refrain for now. anyway my point is: kate wetherall. hug her please

#kate wetherall #mbs disney #the mysterious benedict society #askbox #i feel like there actually is a fair amount of kate content its just the older stuff? #cos newer wise yeah dglkjd its mostly like . a few select people #and we're all mostly focused on mr b and sq im afraid #but like older content wise i think kate and reynie were the most popular characters #although it's also. well. older fanfiction #which isn't to everyone's tastes

[echo-echo31]

Speaking of werecheetah!Yancy, since I mentioned before that cheetahs are chronically anxious lil’ bbs, I can’t stop thinking about werecheetah!Yancy being perpetually full of anxiety. This could totally work into his backstory as all his crimes/fights/murders could’ve been due to anger caused by anxiety (might sound a little strange, I know, but I am definitely the type of person who gets mad, loud, and even violent when I’m scared, especially if it’s a situation I have little to no control over. It’s likely an adhd thing, since my dad was like that too and I’m fairly certain he had adhd that went undiagnosed his whole life since he grew up in a family that didn’t exactly consider mental wellness to be… relevant. Anyway, siderant, but also potentially an argument for adhd!Yancy 👀). This could also be why he’s so attached to stuffed animals (@itsjustkyss 😏 hi) or Chica, for those who like either of those headcanons

But ALSO, I love the idea of Illy and Markus becoming almost like Yancy’s adoptive dads in a way, especially after they have Rosa. Markus meets Yancy in prison on one of the very few (not) occasions when he gets caught in the middle of a heist, and ofc Illy has to (reluctantly) bail him out (I think it’d be funny if Illy keeps saying “one of these times I’m not gonna bail your ass out and you won’t get out so easily”, which is the emptiest threat in the history of empty threats, especially after Rosa comes along, although I feel like Markus slows down with the heists after their daughter is born and this would all take place quite early on in their relationship).

Yancy gives Markus his whole “I don’t wanna be free” speech/song (it’d be hilarious if he did the whole musical number every time someone asked if he wanted to break out lmao), but Markus isn’t convinced. He recognizes the anxious part of himself in Yancy and knows that behind his cool and collected exterior, the real reason he doesn’t want to leave prison is because he’s afraid of the outside world.

When Markus gets back out, he talks to Illy about it, and soon the couple ends up visiting Yancy every third Sunday for visitation hours. They sometimes have long talks about how Markus is worried about Yancy, especially during the other times when Markus ends up in prison and tries to convince Yancy to apply for parole - he gets a strong NO in response every time. Although, as the months and years go by, and Markus and Illy visiting as often as possible, Yancy slowly, slowly starts to change his mind.

I like the thought of Markus and Illy being the reason Yancy applies for parole, even if he doesn’t tell the Captain that when they see him again - bc how strange would it be to explain that to his old friend? A rich Indiana Jones-esqe world traveller and adventurer/university history professor and a former crook who is clearly really bad at his job based on the amount of times he ends up behind bars who are also dating convinced him to apply? And he’s not even sure why it was them of all people who changed his mind, maybe because they were the first people - besides you - who were nice to him?

Yancy gets out and moves in with Markus and Illy around the same time as Rosa comes along, and suddenly the four of them are like a little family. Yancy was afraid at first that him being there would cramp Markus and Illy’s style or that he’d just be in the way while they were trying to be good parents (and, deep down, even though he knows it’s selfish, he was afraid that Rosa being around would make Markus and Illy not want him around as much or make them care for him less), but shockingly, the opposite is true. Markus and Illy are both thrilled to have Yancy around, and Rosa absolutely adores him, as he ends up spending time with her when her dads need a break from parenting.

I kinda hc that Yancy is younger than Markus and Illy by at least seven years or so, so while he’s not exactly young enough to be their son, they kinda do end up having that kind of dynamic, with Yancy becoming like Rosa’s big brother.

Sometimes Yancy has panic attacks or night terrors when he thinks about his life before prison, or about some of the things that were done to him while he was in prison (solitary was the absolute worst for him 😢), and on those nights he often ends up snuggled up between Markus and Illinois in their bed. Some nights Rosa gets fussy as well and refuses to sleep in her own room, so every once and a while all four of them wind up all sleeping together in a messy heap of blankets and limbs. (I also like the idea of Rosa being scared one night and not wanting to wake up her dads so she goes to sleep in Yancy’s bed, and Yancy is also feeling panicky that night and her presence helps calm him down 🥹)

On those mornings, Illy and Markus wake up, and upon seeing Rosa curled up against Yancy’s chest with his arms wrapped around her, they just smile at each other and bask in the beauty of their little misfit family

… this was a-fucking-lot and I absolutely need to write a fic about this NOW

~ @sammys-magical-au

WRITE. THE. FIC

#echo answers #hellinois thursday #dad!hellinois #hellinois + yancy

[apopcornkernel]

i wish i could get diagnosed. i wish i could. sometimes i feel insane bc i feel like im just fooling myself about the possibility of being on the nd spectrum. that i just feel similarly to those #relatable adhd memes and that's it. but at the same time i remember all the times ive felt like there was smth wrong w me. smth wrong w the way my brain works compared to everyone else. all the times ive been scolded for somethinf i didnt mean to do, didnt Want to do but somehow ended up doing and i remember searching up adhd symptoms & trying not to cry as i read and i remember that i was crying bc i was sure no one would even take it srsly bc that's just how i am right? im just lazy and wasted potential and ho mia and no responsibility and forgetful and thats just how i am and it's stupid to go to the doctor on a hunch and anyways i still have pretty good grades even though i haven't studied ever in my life and im too comfortable in extroverted situations and im just trying to find excuses to be lazy and it's not like the doctor would diagnose me anyways.

#delete later

[scover-va]

Anyways back on my post abt Rust earlier bc I have adhd and am incapable of *not* elaborating.

Based on Jeremiah questioning Rust on what the fuck happened since they last spoke, I feel like there's a good chance he didn't know Sado was there. Or at least didn't know Sado was gonna kill Rocky and drive Rust to the brink of insanity. And we know Jeremiah and Reggie have a narrative going. Reggie (outside of Lazarus due to Irving showing up) is the one to say who goes when, and again, outside of Lazarus, none of it was random (Granted, based on how the story's framed, Lazarus would've likely gone fifth either way. And that's all ignoring the two possible reasons Jeremiah would've given Lazarus' location away to Irving). And then not to mention Reggie literally mentions said narrative when Jeremiah almost mentions Reggie by name. "Stick to the script" or whatever he said. So what's the narrative got to do with anything?

Well. Having Rocky at the inn wouldn't make sense. When two patrons appear together in a flashback (aka Chandrelle's flashback), there's no contribution to the inn event from Lazarus at this point in the game. Which makes sense, Lazarus has his own game and flashback to show the player. But Rocky wouldn't have that. Rocky and Rust's stories go hand in hand, the only time they're properly apart is when Rocky is dead. They existed in one singular game together, and by the sounds of things, have never existed without the other. There is no compelling narrative to tell with Rocky that Rust wouldn't already have. And considering the fact that, for all we know, Jeremiah planned for Junior and Jay to die during The Artifact mission, there's no room at the inn for someone to just...exist. Even then, how would they lure Rust up to the roof to start his flashback without the holograms of Rocky?

Personally, given the fact that Sado's interruption was likely not planned, and that they would've had nowhere for Rocky to go (and we all know damn well Rust wouldn't, under any circumstances, abandon Rocky if he had the choice), both place wise and narrative wise.

My view on it is that the mind control serum (which was clearly used by Jeremiah, given the broken mind control vessels in the inn's basement, the easter egg room in Lazarus' section, and the non-root beer books in Reggie's personal cabin are literally about manipulating people (memories, trust, coercion, etc) was supposed to be the solution to this. Rust is already a playable character, so the mind control can't be so the player can control Rust. Jeremiah and Reggie never have to properly force Rust to do anything, he helps open up The Hex both out of idiocy/naivety and thinking it'll bring Rocky back, and overall, all the serum does is just...start the boss rush mod (which, yes, was created by Carla, but I wouldn't doubt it that Jeremiah planned to interfere at some point not knowing Sado's goals). So, I'd like to imagine the mind control serum was originally going to be the solution to their problem with Rocky.

In other words, if Sado hadn't come in and killed Rocky herself, it's entirely possible Jeremiah, controlling Rust, would've forced him to kill Rocky himself. Which, mechanics wise, it would've worked. You already play as Rocky in the battles, whos to say the player couldn't have reasonably lost control of Rust for some time, and could only play as Rocky?

So, when I said in the original post that Sado killing Rocky was a mercy - what's worse? Being unable to stop someone else from killing your son, or unable to stop yourself from killing your son?

#yall are lucky i dont know shit about modding bc HOOO BOY #however. on the other hand. i DO know shit about fic writing. So. #Hehe #scov.txt #the hex #the hex game #the hex spoilers #rust mcclain #the hex rust #rocky mcclain #the hex rocky #the hex jeremiah #the hex reggie #rootbeer reggie

[latveriastrong]

cw // personal stuff, child neglect and emotional honesty and all that kind of thing

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My mother left when I was 6. I didn't mind it terribly, she'd made it clear I was an unwanted burden from about age 2 and, idk. The term "wire mother" comes to mind. I still don't really feel anything about it, she was simply an absence to my life. Children adapt.

I understand now that she had a lot going on. Still sucked, but I understand it. I was born with a heart defect and a sickly child is... can be a struggle, even for the most stable of parents, who desperately want them.

I used to practice staying quiet and pretending to be one of my stuffed animals. Don't recall if it was her idea or mine, but I got real good at it. I could just disconnect from myself for hours, playing in my head.

I wouldn't say I was poorly socialized by school age, so much as like, semi-feral? My older brother took it upon himself to teach me how to interact like a normal human. He had dyslexia, like me, and ADHD, and a comic book collection.

Cloth mother.

He was of mixed descent, Black and Latino. His father, like my father, had a "year-round tan," just of a different shade.

My mother was white. Irish, she insisted. I believe the family may actually have Romanichal roots in the UK, but they weren't Irish. We don't know her real surname, so nothing can be researched.

Anyway. My first word was my brother's name. We were close. And I wish there were a happier ending there, but yeah. He died trying to break up a fight, I don't like to get into the details. I don't fully understand them.

I think, though, that if you have enough things taken away from you often enough, you lose the ability to share your toys and play nicely.

I wasn't taught better. Without meaning to, I was taught that life is a giant schoolyard where you either learn to fight dirty and hold your precious things close to your chest always, or have nothing.

This whole stupid baring of my soul on here thing is like. Mostly hormonal, maybe (I have been listening to Neko Case for 48 hours, please send help) but also part of something that struck me like a tire iron on my way to work this morning: I internalized that who I am as a person is essentially unlovable at an early age. That I had to give something to be seen as worth anything. Ideally while doing a song and dance number so no one got a peek at the Actual Me under all the noise.

I don't think that can be true, though, if I also feel that all humans have an innate and immutable worth. If your compassion doesn't include yourself, it's incomplete, right?

I deserved to have a childhood. Buying things as an adult doesn't fix the absence of that. It doesn't replace what's missing. In some ways it just makes me angrier? But mostly it feels like a grim fuck-you to a wire mother who couldn't possibly care less. As empty a gesture as they make 'em.

So I'm gonna try playing with my toys instead, as an adult person, because I like that and it's fun.

This might be the first fully genuine post I've ever made here. I don't know how I feel about that. It's not meant to "fix" anything, address anything, it's just. Me, I guess? Wanting to exist and be seen. Hello, world! Something like that.

ETA: I know I've generally used "Hex" and I still prefer it, but I've always quite liked the name "Michael," if I had to choose a real person name, a legal one, it would probably be that. I'm just scared to say so irl ever bc it has baggage for others in my life. So, yeah. Just "Hex."

#cw personal #cw child neglect #cw bad childhoods #cw wire mother