#cw personal

[zorosdimples]

i have such deep-rooted disdain for how healthcare—particularly for women—is treated in the u.s.

#they can’t see my iud strings so i have to schedule another appointment a month later that i have to pay for to ensure my iud is still there #‘it’s not high priority.’ maybe for YOU. but this is MY BODY. i hate it i hate it i hate it. this thing has given me nothing but grief #and now we’re not even sure if i STILL HAVE IT. but yes please make me jump through hoops and schedule more appointments and pay money #to figure out what the fuck is going on. ugh. sometimes i wish—never mind. anyway. tag rant over. #tw personal #cw personal #tbd

[runawaymun]

Bruhhhh I just want to wake up and not be in pain for once 😭 need a break

#cw personal #cw negativity #I have woken up with a migraine every single day for the past two weeks and painkillers have only managed to just dull it to a vague #throbbing headache that makes it impossible to focus on anything #ughhhhhhhhhhhh #chronic illness is great huh #so incredibly frustrating to wake up in the same pain I went to bed with or worse #like I am very aware that getting mad/mopey about it will only increase my general suffering bc this is just how things are right now #but ohhhhh man it’s hard

[s0fti3w1tch]

Why do unexpected triggers keep happening at the worst times?

It's truly frustrating. I can literally be on a roll and then BOOM hey remember when this awful thing happened?

#vent art #tw vent #cw vent #cw personal #vague vent #vague imagery #vague tw

[meadow-dusk]

thinking a lot about how much time in the past I spent hating myself. judging and punishing and berating myself for not being smart enough, or pretty enough, thin enough, or fun enough, thinking all that meant I wasn't enough. that I didn't deserve to be included or loved. that I didn't even deserve to want to be loved.

thinking a lot about how that is time I can never get back. resentful that I can't teach my past self the lessons I'm trying to learn now. but what a fucking waste of life that was. don't let yourself subsist on self-hatred. sure, you may accomplish things (even great things). you may meet goals, you may keep "improving" yourself, but none of that will EVER satisfy. perfect isn't real. there will always be some deficit you find staring you plainly in the face.

trying now to cultivate love and kindness in every direction, including inwards.

#cw personal #cw self deprecation #cw self loathing #i am doing the strike but this is important too

[desultory-novice]

CW: Serious but vague talk about the complex feelings associated with the loss of a loved one and mourning - both in Kirby and in real life. Some personal stuff and once more for good measure mentions of death and mourning.

-

I know I don't owe anyone an excuse for my brief absence, but I was completely caught off guard this year when I realized the anniversary of Planet Robobot fell just days before the passing of my own father last year. No surprise I didn't make the connection last year, but it hit me this year and it hit hard.

I know that they're not the fandom's most popular characters ("most hated" may be more like it?) but I feel almost painfully close to the story of Susanna Patrya Haltmann and Max Profitt Haltmann. For I was also a child who was torn between being really mad at my father for his flaws and mistakes while also pining for this idealized parent-child relationship we didn't have, to the point of often spurning the bond we did have because it wasn't going the way I imagined it. I also had to watch close up as he wasted away, his senses going one by one, till he looked more and more like a fading shell of a person.

...You know, I didn't even finish playing PR until last year or maybe the year before? Of course I knew the story spoilers. But I couldn't make myself play it. I finally did because I felt I had to. And I'm glad, even if finishing it left me with a weird sense of sadness. A sense of sadness that finally came full circle a few months later...

I thought I would draw something for the anniversary this year. Something sad, bittersweet, poignant, meaningful. Something akin to a tribute. But my pen just wouldn't move. I don't think I have the words or the visuals to fully express what I felt about it right now. It's why, even though I really do like these two characters, I hardly ever draw them.

It's this closeness that renders them blurry in my vision.

...I suppose I might as well talk about this while I'm here, but I have this ask in my inbox about the Merry Magoland Branch AU. About Joronia and Max and what happens to them after their souls are freed.

'Do they come back to life?'

...God, I've written one thousand answers to that post in my head.

Part of my brain says the "right" answer to give - here on my Kirby blog where every story has a happy ending or at least a chance at salvation no matter how grim - is "of course they come back to life!" The Merry Magoland Branch AU is a sad but cutesy fractured fairy tale of a story where everyone ends up better than they started! Besides, they’re already souls. What else would happen to them? Just quietly go off to rest? That wouldn’t be satisfying!

...

But another part of me looks at "Kirby," a series that has characters who have "died" and come back to life and characters who have died and stayed dead and I feel like, as painful as it is to those such as the Sectaranza shippers and the other fans of of the implied dead cast members...

...they're not coming back. They can't come back. They shouldn't come back. Even in a completely fictional setting, even in a silly AU, it is hard for me, personally, to make myself change what has happened. What has been done. 

Don't get me wrong, I've even scribbled out a few "everyone lives!" scenarios but I've never been able to draw a single one... I tell myself that if a miracle happens and one day I'm scouted to make a Kirby comic or animated series or movie, something where I get to retell the world from the beginning, I would not have it so the "dead" characters die, if only because they are unique enough that I would want them around to use for future stories. Like Moretsu Pupupu Hour, with its funny Sectonia who is literally allergic to peace. Or that one manga I haven't read where Susie and her father run some kind of puzzle store??

But again, that would be a Kirby I had control of from the beginning.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm proud of Kirby the series for not being so grimdark “realism” that Marx, upon blowing up, turns into meat pasta and instead comes back with a smile and laugh to kick exploding jester balls at people all because you waved a magic heart-shaped wand. 

And I'm absolutely content with letting spunky wizard Magolor mercilessly fight his way back through some sort of purgatory dimension and start life over as a medieval salesperson, building up good karma one microtransaction at a time. I think that stuff is important. (Well, not so much the microstransactions.) But I'm also proud of it for letting some characters... not come back. 

Dark Matter Blade is both a badass and strangely attractive (...just me?) for an eyeball made of dark matter but despite the fact that maybe all he wanted was friends, despite the fact that it's implied he rescued Gooey from Dark Matter and hid him on Popstar to protect him from Zero, despite the fact that he should have become a good guy and was instead used heartlessly by Zero like ammunition, losing the few marks of individuality he'd been able to keep thus far (his hair and armor and cape) he's just gone. He'll never join the others on Popstar. Never enjoy the warmth of a spring day or get to be a sibling to Gooey. He'll never even get to explain things to poor Gooey that they ought to know, and he was probably the only one who could.

It's tragic. It's upsetting. It's unfair.

And it's...important, much as I hate to say it.

Dess secret... but I actually get a little mad when people want Taranza to "...hurry up and find a new girlfriend and stop being in mourning all the time" because... I think it's okay for Kirby to have "a character who is in mourning." I suppose there's no real reason he can't be "character who was in mourning who was able to find love again" but I also kind of like that he's THERE as a character for anyone who has lost a loved one and is still sad about it. For those who haven't begun rebuilding their life just yet.

Gooey is the one who lost someone without every really knowing what he had/could have had. Susie is the one who lost someone and also has to get back to work because that's a real thing too.

I didn't really mean to talk about death and mourning in Kirby (for a second time) but I think part of me had to as well. At least if I was ever going to go back to regular posting. I don't even really feel as if I even captured everything there was to say. Like I said, I don't really have the words. 

But, yeah, anyway, if you've ever seen me politely push back when someone brings up Susie or Max discourse of the negative variety on my blog, hopefully you have a slightly better understanding as to why I respond the way I do.

#Kirby #Susanna Patrya Haltmann #max profitt haltmann #sectaranza mention #Dess Text Post #Taranza #Gooey Kirby #Dark Matter Blade #cw death #cw personal #cw illness #I left Elfy and Fecty out of this because that was too much speculation #But you could see them as something similiar

[fluffyfairyzz]

no cus if someone is crying and hiding in the corner theres like a 90 percent chance they DONT wanna talk to you, ESPECIALLY if they hide more when you try to talk to them, no you arent some good doing the equivalent of rescuing a puppy of the streets, at best your mildly annoying and at worst your making the situation way worse

#this is heavily aimed btw #ok to reblog #vent #cw personal #cw vent #nerodivergent #nvld #actually neurodivergent #[​🌿];; the moth talks #nd #[🦷];; mossy’s reblobs #ALSO this is talking abt nerotypicals if u cant read social cues due to nerodivergncy you get a pass!!! ily gu #*guys #/p

[yrrtyrrtwhenihrrthrrt]

Been talking about gender recently and I'd like to explain something about agender identity that at the very least applies to me, and I'd be interested to think what nonbinary and other agender people feel about it.

A lot of times when I say I'm agender I am asked "you mean nonbinary?" So for those of you genuinely curious on the difference, this is what it means to me.

Nonbinary, to me, means you have an identity other than strictly man or woman, while Agender means you don't have any identity at all beyond the lack of an identity. Think about religion. There are the Abrahamic religions: Islam, Christianity, and Judaism. You can also practice non-Abrahamic religions like Hinduism, Norse Paganism, and countless others. Or, you can practice no religion at all.

Saying to me as an agender person that I'm just nonbinary is sort of like telling an atheist that they just practice a non-Abrahamic faith. Like. They don't. They don't observe religious ceremony, they don't worship any Gods, they have no religious faith whatsoever. That's the point. I don't have a non-binary gender identity, I don't have any gender identity at all. My gender is of absolutely no consequence, if you hit me with a retcon beam and I woke up in a universe where I was assigned male instead of female my whole life, it would cause absolutely no discomfort or dysphoria NOR joy or euphoria, beyond little societal things that I just wasn't used to yet.

I do understand that some people identify as nonbinary despite not having any gender identity at all, and that's totally okay! It's not like it's incorrect-- no gender identity would technically not fall on a binary spectrum, so to call it nonbinary isn't incorrect. I think agender can be considered to fall under the nonbinary umbrella, that's just not how I, in my personal identity, see it, and I tend to feel invalidated or like people are pushing a gender onto me when people say I'm just nonbinary.

I'm interested to know how other queer people (especially people who identify as enby or agender) feel about it and I hope this helps others to sort of understand the difference 🖤🩶🤍💚🤍🩶🖤

#also Its kinda wild to me how fucking. Sims 4 has the agender flag as an option for the pride flag decoration #but tumblr doesn't highlight the agender tag with the flag #and most queer-owned etsy shops and pride shops do not have it. like wtf #its not a super niche identity #can we get on the inclusion train please??? #gender #gender identity #agender #nonbinary #pride #queer #cw personal

[daydreamdoodles]

Shock and horror, I am my mother's daughter

#day musings #cw personal #Girlhood is realizing all your insecurities are just your mom's #How did we even get here #When did I become my mom #Can I most respectfully. No longer be her

[zorosdimples]

i miss my dog so fucking much. you think grief will get easier, but it doesn’t. it’s fine as long as i don’t think about him, but when my phone shows me pictures, or someone brings him up, i lose my shit. he kept me afloat—he was my reason for living. i’m lost without him.

#tw death #cw death #i’m an emotional bitch today #his gotcha day is almost here #which we also used as his birthday since we didn’t know when he was born #i saw some pictures and…fuck i still hear him and feel him sometimes. #i wanna share pics but also i don’t want to break down at work #for reference he passed away in june #cw personal #tbd

[runawaymun]

.

#sorry let me rant real quick in the tags #cw personal #once again hitting an insurance pothole bc the psych says she accepts my OHP plan HOWEVER the therapy group she is contacted with says #THEY don't #they only accept the insurance if it's through my employer but NOT through the government?????????????? #so there's still some kind of payment??? #anyway I want to scream why is this so complicated #like will she take my insurance or not who's right here #anyway called her back directly and went to voicemail so now I've done all I can for now #why the hell is this so hard man #the person on the phone didn't know really how to explain #once again no one knows what they're talking about #like can y'all not communicate and figure this out? #AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #i need to get an ADHD eval before my next PCP appointment in june so that they will continue giving me my meds #and the psychiatry through the hospital has a limited number of visits that insurance will cover #*contracted #not retyping all of that #and once again the only reason this is so stressful is because the psychiatry group at the hospital fumbled the communication ball last tim #and the psychiatrist I was with never put the ADHD on the chart #and now somehow it's MY responsibility to fix that> #UGH #like I am grateful to have some kind of coverage but holy shit is the US healthcare system in shambles #the bureaucracy is INSANE #i had to just sit down and put my head in my hands for a second #and then go 'right okay nothing i can do about that rn moving on' #uGH #literally said 'what the FUCK' out loud a couple times #like not on the phone after I hung up obvs

[s0fti3w1tch]

I'm so glad I managed to finish the TD minisode right now because right after that, my Clip Studio began freaking out

And I'm really proud of myself for managing to get it out around this time at all. Summer is always difficult for me, so when I wasn't able to update back in April, I was already in a bit of a slump. But I pulled through eventually.

Anyways. I'm gonna go to bed. I'm so happy for all the support for the update even if it's not the main story♡♡♡ really♡♡

Anons asks are back on. I love reading all the tags and feedback and how y'all feel, even if I don't always reply.

goodnight. thank you.

#tentative devotee misc post #status update of sorts #cw personal

[captainnameless]

Hi! i really hope your doing okay because you haven’t been posting as often and no i totally get it you have a life outside of tumblr but i panic super easily and i would like to know if your doing okay physically and mentally because no one deserves to have sad thoughts and of course i may be jumping to conclusions here and you might just be busy but just consider this as a little check in ask :D

asks like this always surprise me lolol (in a good way) cause i’m like ??? people think about me/my content? complete strangers? that’s insane.

anyway! i’m okay, october through january are usually my hardest months because my depression kicks in x100, i’m not a cold weather girlie and there being like 3 hours of daylight makes me want to cry and curl up into a ball, but i’ll be alright. i go to therapy every other week, and have physical therapy three times a week for long covid.

aside from that is it true i have a big girl life with big girl responsibilities and big girl problems etc. so while i would love to consume my days with lf1a content that is unfortunately impossible. thanks for checking in though, i hope you’re good as well. 🫶🏻

#cw personal

[seventh-district]

i just wish i could tell all of my friends, past and present, that i’m sorry for being the way that i am and that it was never, ever personal. it’s always been me and it always will be. it’s not your fault if you’ve never heard from me again. it’s on me. it’s all on me. i’m so sorry.

#cw personal #not rlly a vent post more of a very depressing PSA #i’m so bad at being a person. let alone a friend. #something’s wrong with me. don’t know if i can fix it. makes me a bad person. bad friend. selfish selfish selfish. #i don’t blame anyone but myself. i have the worst case of Never Socialized As A Child known to mankind #plus about 100 other things that make me insufferable #*** was right. should’ve listened to her. no one will ever be able to handle me. i should live this life alone. better for everyone. #maybe another decade of isolation will fix me :)

[caramelfuzz]

My mom is in town for an appointment and took my car to the city and my car has now broken down… I am stressed.

#cw personal #not to be negative but I cannot afford car payments lollll #I am stressed

[yrrtyrrtwhenihrrthrrt]

Fun fact about my agender ass I fully believed that gender identity did not exist until I was like fourteen

Like I had not experienced it so I assumed nobody else had. Now I know that gender, the gender binary, gender roles, are all social constructs, but from my understanding, gender identity isn't. Many many people are born with a gender identity in their brain, and sometimes it is the one they are expected to have, and sometimes it isn't, and sometimes it changes over time, and sometimes it develops over time, but most people have some gender identity in some way.

I, as well as some other people, just, don't.

And I had no way of knowing that anyone else experienced this. I really thought it was just a game everyone agreed to play. You get assigned a blue pinny or a yellow pinny in gym class and that's that. It kinda sucks but that's the game. It's not like "blue pinny" is a part of your identity, it's just an arbitrary assignment. You might wish you were on the yellow pinny team, because they get a head start in the dodgeball game, but you don't identify as a yellow pinny team member. And that is exactly how I saw, and still see my own gender.

And I have to apologize for this but this resulted in, when I was young, transphobia. It wasn't the violent kind you often see today, but it was dismissive and distasteful. Obviously I'm not proud of it. But I thought "how the fuck can you identify as a gender aside from your AGAB? Nobody "identifies" as anything you just take the assignment and go so ObViOuSlY it's made up." And I was talking to my sister about this and was like "I mean if you woke up in an alternate universe where you were a man, it would be no issue at all, right? I mean aside from having to get used to different body parts and being treated differently, it would be fine" and she was like "no???? Tf??? I'd be really upset!"

And that right there rocked my fucking shit and turned my world upside down. Anyway I learned a lot since then and I support everyone and their gender identities now, obviously, as it was over a decade ago. I realized that "I guess I'm a girl because I was born that way and I don't care enough to change it, even though I literally hate being perceived as a girl I'd hate being perceived as any other gender just as much" doesn't actually make me cis (shock!!) This is also why I much prefer the term agender to nonbinary. I've been asked if I'm nonbinary when I say I'm agender, and I know some agender people identify as nonbinary (power to you!) But to me, "non-binary" feels like a gender identity that is. Well. Nonbinary lol. It's like asking an atheist "so you have a non-Abrahamic faith?" Like no they don't have any faith at all. I don't have any gender identity at all. That's how I see it anyway.

But all this to say being agender is weird. And while I'm about as allo as they come, I can relate to asexual people in a lot of ways.

It's like there are these boxes and everyone else can see them, and everyone else can exist in them comfortably, and sometimes people have to change the shape of their box but at the end of the day, it'll fit them. But I can't see the boxes, yet I've been put inside one, and everyone else can see it. I don't want to change the shape of my box, it wouldn't make a difference. I just don't want to be in this box at all. I can't see it, I keep bumping into the walls. I'm glad when the boxes make other people happy, but all I want is to get rid of it. And while it's freeing to identify as agender within myself, to start using any pronouns instead of exclusively she/her, I know that everyone else can still see the box. If they didn't see me as a woman, they'd just see me as something else, some other box, and that's not any better.

And I'm so tired.

#gender #vent #agender #transgender #asexual #lgbtq+ #gender vent #gender identity #cw transphobia #cw personal #nonbinary

[dolores-slay]

Getting older for me is realizing that while I share my mom's practical mindset, me and my dad are extremely similar with our fears and anxieties and insecurities, and I think part of why he wants to butt heads with me regarding some worldview matters is he feels like my different choices cast his in a bad light? Like, if we are so similar, why do I still hold some beliefs he had cast off already at my age after deeming them unrealistic and naive, does that make him a bad person then? And while I wish he were more mature and receptive about some things, I think he also needs to know that his existence also formed my views, and it's not a competition but a building effort. With each new generation, what we want to see will hopefully take closer shape, and we rest on the backs of those before us just as the people of tomorrow must rest on ours.

#cw personal #parents #just musing here #live laugh love etc