#it is a GOOD trait i support but since it is so isolated it made her seem like a Disney princess a bit

[jazzmckay]

anders & merrill parallels

despite coming from contrasting walks of life, anders and merrill have a lot in common. tension rises between them due to fundamental differences in their belief systems; things that could help them understand each other incredibly well mostly just drive them apart, which is such a tragic loss for two people who are in desperate need of support.

ways anders and merrill parallel each other:

childhood displacement and resulting isolation

on a quest for the good of their people

their faith

association with spirits/demons

lack of support and eventual tragedy

childhood displacement and resulting isolation:

at the age of 12, anders was taken from his parents to the ferelden circle. when merrill's magic manifested as a child, she was sent to another dalish clan that needed a keeper's first, having to leave her parents behind. their magic meant they had to be uprooted from their homes and families. merrill's displacement was not done maliciously--mages are moved around so that no clan goes without a keeper to preserve their history and culture--but it does still mean she lost her family very young and only has vague, wistful memories of them.

marethari, as much as she thinks she's doing what she must / what's best for merrill, is not a good parental substitute. their relationship may have started decently, until the matter of the eluvian drives a wedge between them, but what happens at this point doesn't paint marethari as a good parental figure. marethari chooses to send merrill away rather than trying to reach a compromise with her, or even just comforting her and helping her process her grief in a healthy way. it's clear merrill thinks of marethari highly, but it seems like acceptance and emotional support may not have been a large part of their relationship. in addition to this, as a keeper's first, merrill's training and apprenticeship likely took most of her time, making it harder to nurture other friendships.

likewise, the circles aren't a good place for mages to form relationships. they're under constant scrutiny, they have to be careful about any connections they form, many mages may feel they're safer keeping to themselves. children born to mages in a circle are even taken away from them. circles are a hostile environment in many ways, and wouldn't inspire the mages to foster companionship. anders refuses to talk to anyone, even the other mages, at first. he escapes seven times. it isn't until karl that he has any reason to stay, and then karl is taken from him, too.

both anders and merrill have the people they care about taken from them repeatedly--and in merrill's case, the people she cares about even push her away. they grow up disconnected, isolated, and having to fend for themselves. i think this leads to some of the personality traits they have in common as well, namely their intense stubbornness. they have learned that they're largely on their own, so they make decisions on their own, and can rarely be swayed once their minds are made up.

on a quest for the good of their people:

anders is fighting for mage freedom--eventually at all costs. merrill is determined to restore her people's history--not necessarily at all costs, but she goes far further than anyone else would. both of them are driven by wanting better for their people. they are passionate about their goals. these goals are at the forefront of their lives, they are goals they strive for across years, relentlessly. they don't give up, no matter the difficulties along the way. they desperately want positive change for their people. their goals say a lot about them as people, and these qualities are things they share with each other in an incredibly synonymous way.

their faith:

anders is andrastian, and merrill believes in the creators. anders' faith doesn't come across so strongly, because he is of course opposing the chantry's rule on how mages should be treated, but the chantry's teachings have been ingrained in him since growing up in the circle. he believes that there are spirits, and there are demons, and the demons are wholly, inherently evil. his understanding of justice supports his understanding of this dichotomy. merrill, by contrast, was taught that all spirits/demons are just like people, as varied as any mortal. she says all of them can be dangerous, but they can be helpful, too, and she is confident in her ability to treat them carefully and safely.

they butt heads on this badly. anders asks if merrill started blood magic by accident. she says no, she did it very intentionally. anders asks if maybe she just doesn't understand the difference between spirits and demons. she says no, i have a belief of my own and don't need to borrow yours, thank you. it's inevitable that you'll become an abomination, anders claims. skill issue, merrill replies.

their faiths are different, but the two of them are similar in how strong their belief is. it's that stubbornness again: they will not be swayed. they can't agree on blood magic, or how to view demons, which is the main thing that keeps forcing them apart despite how similar they are.

association with spirits and demons:

on the topic of their different perspectives on spirits and demons, another main thing they have in common is anders' relationship with justice, and merrill's relationship with demons she communicates with through blood magic. anders doesn't appreciate them being compared in this manner, but from merrill's viewpoint, they are very much comparable, and in fact, anders is doing the same thing she does, but far riskier. she has no intention of ever joining with a demon. she says anders has no room to judge her, when he has let a spirit in.

both of them are willing to communicate with spirits, both of them have a more open-minded approach to spirits, and this is something they could find common ground on, if not for anders seeing a difference between spirits and demons while merrill does not, and anders' belief that he has corrupted justice into vengeance. it doesn't matter who is right, if either of them are. both of them are doing something risky but thought/think they have a handle on it, that they could/can control it.

whether or not they're right, it leads them to tragedy regardless.

lack of support and eventual tragedy:

merrill is right that she can fix the eluvian. she's also right that eluvians were important artefacts to the elvhen and they could teach the dalish more about their history. she's right! and it doesn't matter. no one believes her. everyone thinks she'll only bring them destruction. her clan turns her away when she refuses to back down. even hawke can not believe in her. many of the other party members don't believe in her. she's right, and it doesn't matter. her clan has a high chance to end up dead. she loses marethari regardless. many party members comment on the fallout in harsh ways. the guilt is already eating at her. she fixes the eluvian, and there may be no one left to share in her success, she may not even be able to feel victorious herself, after what it cost. she is alone. she has always been, in some way, alone.

how different could it have been, if someone had understood what she needed? if someone had as much faith in her as she had in herself?

anders lived the experience of a young mage ripped away from their home and family, forced into a circle, forced under templar and chantry rule. he knows what it feels like to be a lost, scared child, locked in an unfamiliar place, where armoured figures with hidden faces are always watching. he has experienced the abuses. he has been imprisoned and tortured. he has had people dear to him taken from him and made tranquil, even though they were harrowed, even though they never would have done something to warrant it. until joining the wardens, his life was an endless battle to just be free.

the fight for mage freedom, and his manifesto, are a matter of life and death for anders. everyone else, though--they can ignore it, because it doesn't impact them directly. they can believe the potential for mages to be dangerous justifies systematic abuse and even culling. anders is frequently ignored, belittled, or even hated for his mere desire for freedom, and for his passion for the freedom of all mages. he is screaming at the top of his lungs, and no one is listening.

in the end, no matter what, he blows up the chantry alone. he's out of options. it's been years, and nothing else works. no one cares. he has been pushed to his limit. he doesn't want it to be like this, but it's all there is left, and something has to give. he does this alone, and is willing to give his life in the aftermath, because he has nothing left to give.

this likely never could have gone differently. anders has been doomed since the moment he was born a mage.

conclusion:

anders and merrill are characters whose lives often mirror each other: mages who have never been able to form strong, healthy, and/or lasting relationships, finding themselves isolated and needing to rely on only themselves. they are deeply passionate people who strive to do good and make a difference. unfortunately, this works out tragically for both of them.

in a perfect world, maybe they could have been exactly what the other needed. their empathy and determination could have let them help each other. the base is there: when anders first starts asking about merrill's blood magic, he does it with a tone of concern. many times, merrill can express her wish for anders to be happy. in a conversation with sebastian, merrill reveals that anders has warned her to stay away from the chantry. they disagree with each other, but they do care. at anders' harshest, he is talking about himself more than he's talking about merrill; as he feels himself fraying, he projects his anger at himself onto her. he sees their similarities, and he's afraid. she could have reassured him, they could have supported each other, could have put their heads together and found new solutions. the potential was there for their similar experiences to give them a uniquely strong companionship, but they just never managed to grasp onto it.

#dragon age #da2 #anders #merrill #da meta #can you tell..... i adore them both so #slacking off on nanowrimo to write this goddamn essay of a post #my meta

[disgruntledcleric]

I keep thinking about laudna and pate's relationship, and what exactly pate's personality and, well, existence says about laudna. Frumpkin was essentially an emotional support animal/tool to caleb, important to him but not revealing much to an observer about caleb himself. But the dynamic between laudna and pate is so bananas: obviously he's her puppet to use and abuse as she sees fit--much like she feels herself to be delilah's puppet. That's only emphasized now that pate has sapience of his own, and can act independent of laudna; she's constantly telling him to shut up, shoving him around, etc. It seems like she works out a lot of her feelings of frustration/being out of control and powerless on him, since he's a safe target--after all, she's spent the last 30 years being a target of hostility, run out of towns, hunted and threatened, so she generally strives to be non-aggressive with people to avoid more of that. She's also expressed fear that giving into her negative emotions will get someone around her hurt. Pate represents the most safe target, since he's functionally unkillable, and also as his creator, she seems to feel a sense of entitlement to treat him as a punching bag sometimes. Marisha has talked about how delilah's control of laudna has shaped laudna's perception of, well, everything, so this makes perfect sense.

Interestingly, though, their oft-contentious relationship makes it easy to forget that laudna is the one who designed his personality! So what does that say about laudna, that she made him an outlet to play her negative emotions out through, yet relentlessly punishes him for having that personality? Laudna being not very self aware & spending a lot of time quashing her emotions and hating herself is an ongoing theme; you can see it in her people pleasing, in her placing imogen on a pedestal while believing herself unworthy, in her trying desperately to pretend she's fine when the team gets split. She almost never admits what's going on inside her head. Pate started out as a tool to alleviate her sense of isolation, but the more she put herself into him, the more he became a tool of distancing herself from the things she doesn't like about herself, by putting them into him.

Also, he's super horny, but laudna herself is not particularly horny. She's surprised and flattered when anyone suggests she's desirable, but never really puts herself out there or makes the first move (only exception seems to be ira, who is a big ol' spooky freak, so no wonder she figured she might as well shoot her shot with him). But being horny is like, pate's primary personality trait. which is superficially funny, but also deeply sad, because it suggests that laudna genuinely wanted that kind of connection, and shunted it off into pate as a desire she had to distance herself from but couldn't completely kill.

And yet, she obviously has some kind of morbid affection for him; putting the parts of herself she doesn't like into pate allows her to find something endearing in them, and also allows her to distance herself from those things, and also lets her exert a sense of control over someone else, a sense of control she desperately wants.

idk. It's easy to just laugh at how ridiculous pate is, but he's actually such a great, subtle extension of laudna herself, bringing to light parts of her psyche that would otherwise go untapped, moreso than any other magical familiar i've ever seen. Marisha is so good at adding things to her characters that pull unexpected traits to the surface, and matt is great at picking them up and running with them. It's so fun to watch.

#critical role #laudna #sorry for the wall of text i just love laudna okay

[nights-at-crystarium]

Okay, the recent surge of new followers thanks to the twitter exodus, and now your boy Vivien Fucksalot Rell on the tumblr radar, has me wanting to make some kinda welcome post.

The face of a man who made it to the tumblr radar for the first time C:

Who’s this guy you just saw? Yeah, first and foremost, it’s a cis male, he’s just full of gay and Gender (tm) \o/

Vivi is my WoL who I ship with G’raha Tia and I like to make it everyone’s problem. He’s the main character of the fancomic Fragments that I started this summer. I love ShB so much that I’ve decided to dedicate the next few years of my life to drawing and writing about it. And I believe I’ve got what it takes to tell a story that, in equal amounts, will entertain and break you 🖤

Vivi was tailor-made to interact with G’raha. I’m an experienced oc maker and, how to put it, character chemist? Give me two characters with some fun traits, like the base ingredients for a cocktail, I’ll toss them in a blender, shake it real good, and make the magical chemistry happen. My wolgraha ship is almost 1 year old at this point, I’m still spending every day thinking about them and writing down A LOT of things, random art ideas, fics, and, of course, the comic script, so.. Yeah it’s a good cocktail.

I’m keeping most of the Vivi things close to my heart since you’re yet to learn about him in Fragments. That’s the whole point. But the non-spoilery material is already fun enough imo. You take a look at him and you see: edge, intensity, duality, gremlin, idiot.

He was made in December 2021, got decently developed as a character by April 2022, kept getting more polished since then. I wanna make another post talking about him in a month or so, on his first birthday. For now please perceive him being the fun lil guy he is C:

What about the person behind it all though? My artist username is NextLVL, my own name is Aho or Vel, nb, he/they, a 32 years old self-taught artist who has a bit too much to deal with irl, and I’m holding on to my wolgraha obsession as the only means to stay sane. These guys are my everything. Seriously. Fragments is my first big project that so far has been incredibly validating for me as an artist, and that has given me hope to work on it fulltime thanks to my Patreon. Yes, plugging it because I’ve gotta eat. I’m earning for my living with my art, recent events in the social media sphere have thrown my livelihood into an even greater risk territory. I literally don’t know if I still can earn for my living tomorrow. So, I’ve been pushing my Patreon which looks like the safest and most stable option atm.

Here’s a “nutshell” for how I feel as an artist. Look, I didn’t say it, others did.

I’m working hard to bring something beautiful to the world that’s just an unceasing dumpster fire nowadays. I’m under a METRIC TON of mental pressure, yet I still manage to isolate from it and keep arting, for you and for myself. So yeah.. Thanks for looking, hope you like what I create. If you like it so much that you wanna support me, it’d mean literally everything to me. Thank you 🖤

#ffxiv #vivien rell #g'raha tia #crystal exarch #wol x g'raha tia #wolgraha #own: next lvl

[madfantasy]

Been crying alot lately not knowing why, nd now I can verbalise it, I need to type it down for the sake of my sanity.. I think its lots of trauma dumping, I'm sorry

I've seen a post ask about if you're an ace would u be in romantic relationships, and I have just thought about how I'm always revolted by these concepts since I was 6 years old.

Having been always groomed to be wed to one of my cousins or a rich somebody to be my highest achievements as it solely focuses on my private parts as my worth and my ability to contribute to the family's "Good reputation" and reap back benefits to.

But I knew, all along, if I was forced to be with someone, that will end me being on this earth or them if they tried going near me. And growing up, I always tried to accept that fact, accept that u need to be pure and clean and be good for wedding and basically enslaved to it, cuz that's all our still impoverished family can aspire to. And on top of the dark thing that happened to me, making me truly believe I have no worth in this world and have prayed to be taken to heaven before I hit puberty, and have tried pitiful attempts to leave it, untill i got faint access to Internet and stole the keys to the locked books, they themselves should have been reading, around 17 years old, found an only opening and escape to reality.

I remember, my refusal was all the firmer the more anyone tries to tell me all about the glamor of being an intimate house maid and the domestic abuse they gloss over that I personally have witnessed time and time again with every couple that visited or we went to. I always respond that i am already one to my guardian's with the same abuse minus the gross intimate part.

I didn't even understand why I hated it so much while everyone is doing it, and as young as 16.

I avoided alot of marriage offers thanks to my guardians being, in one good way, over protective. And me losing my mind every time they brought it up. Literal uncharacteristic melt downs and now they fear the subject after they finally snapped me after saying no for years wasn't enough of a respond.

I'm 30 and the latest offer was from a rich cripple who was willing to pay all my guardians debts and give them a farm. My guardians dream. They turned it down without consulting me.

I've always hated the concept of pairs joined by s*x and the s*x itself. And marriage as a whole never made sense to me, considering the developing world and its problems. But I understand it as a bond if its first and foremost was not for love, it was for safety— mental, financial and otherwise.

And where I come from, independence is supported by the family, you can not survive, work, do anything if you do not have a family, and specially if you assigned a certain gender. So basically, I lived in isolation for the majority of my life, in poverty, marriage seen as the only -allowed- way out.

And it's all stims from a so called religious teachings.. Alot in common in this world, who take it as a personality trait and use it to justify injustice. Even though most of the time they know nothing about it beside what they are told by their authority figures and operat in this world as superior to all others because they were told they r the true religion. I saw on TT a so called mus-girl complaining about her children being exposed to 'rainbow ppl' in school education and having the nerve to complain about it living as a foreigner welcomed to practice her religion in a western country and claims not to be hateful. And yes, Arab ppl call the community 'rainbow' which reeks of the phobia and condescension. Like their religion teaches them to be at peace with all and treat ppl how they like to be treated, yet they fail to apply that when they don't like or lack the emotional intelligence to understand others who are merely different, just different and existing, exactly like them. And they do believe God made everything, so he did make those people, so what their excuse to that? And they exsisted since tbe dawn of humanity. And funny thing is their religion tells them that God made humans different, and urges them to read, to wonder the earth and consider facts and if they don't know to ask who are knowledgeable, and their intentions matters more and if they did unjustly by anyone, who ever they are, they r not a true mus--. It obviously translate to just ask a man who knows nothing about science, empathy or common sense or notice the accumulating facts and only repeat a select few he is told at a religious house. Thinking seems to be a burden these people happily relinquish to others. Which irkes me to no end

I was told all the shit I endured is because it from gods teachings, and it should make me happy. I never stopped questioning if this is a bless then why I was never happy? And why I can't do as I am told

They beat me up when I drew, when I was rowdy and when what now i know is stimming, shaming it as an act of another religion, and it was the running joke in the whole family. Mental health was an immense shame and hush hush, and anyone who seemed to need it was judged to be just a lesser mus-- so they deserve all the pain and suffering they get

I was glad that lady was getting chewed by ppl who was responding to her, but one person said something that just made me burst into tears and I couldn't stopp crying lately..

She said she was a teacher that goes from school to school and stuff so she experienced alot of communities and she noticed the vast differences between children who's family love and support is unconditional and those who don't, they obviously tend to later thrive.

And thats the word..

Thrive

Besides our financial situation never changing to the better, everything else was in decline, my guardians health themselves relying on me even more, and my mental anguish exasperated to a point i barely see a point in life, daily.. I can barely draw now, something I did 24/7

Everything that I am I had to do deep research for just to know that there's nothing wrong with me or im not deserving punishments for. I am ace, I am a gentle Them, I am on the spectrum, and I am Mani..

I did everything I do now in secret and complete agony. I learned English to gave privacy, continued to draw cuz it was my only alive part, and posted online when I was forbidden completely to protect my art from being lost, had to swear that I was nit interacting with others. I lied and one of the few times I was found, I was beaten while a school friend was on the other line in a voice chat. I was more humiliated that my friend witnessed it than being caught.

I still have the deep fear and distrust, I can't deal with social things, having to keep guessing which social cues they are using and not to become a living status, leaving the house the mere thought if it alone is panic inducing, I can never feel safe and cant risk something that might bring any harm to me and my sibs, every few days I struggle not to just delete my whole exsistance online. I can't look at faces even in pictures and if I did or need to I have to mentally prepare myself for so long. I literally had to convince my guardians that I can have a credit card so I can "learn" to do stock shi then used it to have PP and one day i got commissioned, and only when that happened I was able not to keep it a secret. And in its place now I feel the pressure when I can't provide or won't

The rest I still have no luck, I bearly managed to tell them recently that I suspect that I am on the spectrum, reading alot about it lately and it explains even things I couldn't. The nearest I managed to tell them that I am ace and what it is is that I started by saying I find who we are suppose to be wed to disgusting and I already living that glamorous stay at home shi nd co-raising 5 siblings they know very little about. They said fine but don't go saying that out loud cuz God says that marriage is the greatest bless but I won't force u ever.

I just feel my life force almost over, while I experienced nothing of life beyond isolation and constant need, so i cant thrive in anything.. Everything I wanted to do I begged to try was denied cuz either of my privates or cuz we were poor. I wanted to be athletic and do sports but there was no such thing as a second gender sports around. I wanted to be and still wish I could be, a wrestler. Unsurprisingly WWE was my inspiration and practiced as serious as a kid could, having what I believed a super pain tolerance cuz I never cried as I was beaten. I was cut from even watching it because it was "shameful " all of a sudden. Later I understood it was because everyone was shirtless and it was s*xulised by them. Everything became the same later, everything I drew or expressed feared to be s*xual and or homo nd I was punished over, I literally drew dying ppl and bromance alot at first. And they just projected their assumptions on me. I understood later and still can't bear the thought that ppl can project s*x into anything, and it never clicked in my mind because of what I am. And that was their biggest fear. I drew things cuz I saw them beautiful, and they only saw it as vulger, because they can't help but hyper s*xualize everything or assume it being so even with clear indications. Something that happened online too, tumblr nd tt, so it triggers me horribly

Something ace i also realised there's a word for (forgotten ittt ugh)— even though s*x and its mention is completely revolting to my person and I can have no relation to it. I can still enjoy it as a fictional concept, as entertainment, if u will, specially in a muse of two characters I enjoy. So drawing it is fun and exciting and enrichs my naughty side. Until I finish it and I never want to see it again cuz I'm not super good at it yet heh

In my mind, I can love and treasure who ever platonicly, and our bonds does not have to direct our paths in life. My romance is bromance, and meaning I will do everything to make my bestie happy, and my biggest wish is to live like tintin, in a mansion and everyone can be free to go on adventurous escapades, like getting coffee. ( i never done that, so

And this is something I wish to do with my siblings, if the stars were ever to align..

At least have Sherir with me.. puppets make me happy

#text #personal #vent

[realmermaid333]

Could you talk about Everlark? Katniss and Peeta as a couple. Why do you think they are compatible?

Thank you :)

@everlarkshipper

I think they are compatible because they are different, but in ways that compliment one another. They are good at comforting each other and they are their happiest and calmest when they are together. They also just simply have chemistry and attraction to each other!

If we look at Katniss, she is someone who had to grow up very fast. Her father died when she was eleven, then her mother fell into a deep depression and was not able to take care of Katniss or Prim. So all of life's burdens fell onto her when she was not even two years into the double digits! Katniss has never had someone who could truly comfort her or make her feel cared for, she has always been the carer and the comforter. She didn't have anyone who made her feel safe after her dad died.

Katniss did have Gale and he was good emotional support, but they lacked chemistry and compatibility in many ways. Gale just simply couldn't comfort Katniss the way Peeta could. Peeta is someone who is very optimistic, kind, gentle, and has a way with words. Those are traits that Katniss loves and values, those traits remind her of Prim! Katniss is someone who is very brutally realistic, at times she can be a little pessimistic, and she is very reserved and unemotional. She doesn't like being in this survival mode with no human connections or vulnerability, it is bad for her, it is isolating. She needs someone who can pull her out of that, someone like Peeta!

Peeta is hopeful and positive, and he always knows what to say. If Katniss needs comfort, Peeta would know exactly what to say to her to make her feel better. Katniss felt comfortable in his arms, she felt safe, which is a feeling that Katniss never truly felt before she met Peeta. These are traits that Gale doesn't have as much, Gale is too much like Katniss to the point that their traits just feed off of one another. Katniss didn't want to be with someone who was super similar to her.

Since the book is not from Peeta's perspective, so we don't hear his inner dialogue, a lot of this is going to be speculation about what I think Peeta would like about Katniss based on his character traits and the interactions we see between them. We sadly don't get to see much of their relationship after the war when they truly got to know each other, we just know that they loved each other dearly and grew together with time :)

If we look at Peeta, he is a positive, kind boy who grew up with an abusive mother who did not want him because she would have preferred a daughter. Peeta would have spent much of his life feeling hated, unwanted, and like he wasn't enough. I think Peeta likes the feeling of being protected, since he experienced abuse as a child I think he likes the fact that Katniss is tough and would kick ass for him. I feel like he would be very attracted to her ability to use a bow and how she defended him. Katniss also seems to show her love for people by protecting them even if it means sacrificing herself. She entered the Quarter Quell with every intention of dying for Peeta. Not that Peeta wanted her to die for him obviously, but it just shows how she is a nurturer and a protector, which is something Peeta lacked his whole life and something Katniss is great at.

I also think he fell in love with Katniss's tenderness when they were in the cave and he was dying. Peeta would like to feel cared for, so I think that situation made his feelings for her much stronger. I think Peeta likes to feel wanted too, he loves that Katniss wants him to stay with her when she has nightmares because she wants him. It seems that a way he shows affection is by taking care of people in the same way he wants to be cared for, because it makes him feel like he has a purpose to fulfil. When he comforts Katniss, makes her cheesy bread even when they were barely talking, carries her upstairs when she is hurt, helps her with her families plant book, gives her the pearl in the arena, plants primroses for her, etc. it is because he cares for her and because he likes helping, he is a helper!

And besides the ways they give each other what they both crave and lack, they just simply like each other and are attracted to each other. Katniss seems to really like Peeta's strength, she likes his creativity, how he can decorate such beautiful cakes, his steady and strong hands, how he can make such realistic and beautiful paintings. Peeta loves Katniss's voice, the first thing that drew him to her was her singing, he seems to like the fact that she is a hunter and is good with a bow too, I'd say he is also attracted to her strength. I am someone who would also love to have THG from Peeta's perspective because I wonder what his internal thoughts about Katniss were :)

also I see y'alls dialogue asks and stuff! I will get to them, I have just not been very active with writing and stuff the past few days

#everlark #katniss everdeen #peeta mellark #peeta x katniss #katniss and peeta #the hunger games #thg #mockingjay #catching fire #love language #thg katniss #thg finnick #send asks #fanfiction writer #fanfic writer #district 12

[saltedcoffeee]

Oh I have the same dead relative headcanon: an older sister who shared a lot of the same neurodivergent traits as him. Both siblings were struggling under the pressure to “uphold the family image”, and while trying to take on most of that weight she buckled and had a mental break. Her exile to an unknown institution, the erasure of her existence from the household, and later death in isolation was used by the parents as an example to Alador of the consequences of failure. Inserting your idea, when she dies the palisman is sent back home and Alador keeps it as the last thing he has left of his sister. Now cry.

YOU 🤝 ME

HCİNG AN OLDER SİSTER BLİGHT

you r SO REAL FOR THİS ANON. the fact i had the exact same idea is sending me to the stratosphere did u telepathically connect w me via that post i wonder,,,,

so,,,yea. tbh i hc that she was in the emperor's coven n initially he wanted to join her too but when she left/died he sort of gave up on it bc he just. couldnt find a reason to do it anymore and got him even worse backlash from his parents (if they were alive at the time LMFAO). building up on that i actually hc he never graduated from hexside n left a year early or something bc 1. he couldnt focus on classes anymore 2. his parents/odalia's family pushed him into work early bc that was 'the only thing he was good at'. so 👍

ANOTHER HC (idc we r DOİNG THİS) is that said sister was a recurring winner of the brawl we see in reaching out n when one day she suddenly decided to not join (either bc of stress/her parents' negative view on it) alador was like we gotta keep the blight name 🔛🔝. n went on to uphold her legacy. she thought it was the funniest thing ever n shes the one who took the pic !!!!

n finally since this did start w the palisman yea as we know the emperor's coven keeps its members pretty secluded so she carved a palisman before joining it saying she needed her brother w her for emotional support ! their parents probably dont know abt it bc theyd find it stupid n it made alador embarrassed to incredible heights he couldnt even bear to look at the thing.

then one day the stupid rat randomly came to him n stayed, n he doesnt talk abt it all that much. ppl dont question it bc it looks just like him n they assume its a funny palisman thing n who he is he to disprove them?

#physically restraining myself anon u opened a door i was struggling to keep closed here #i also hc she was buddies w the golden guard at the time n also acted as a mentor to darius 👍👍👍 #the latter who probably knows more abt what happened to her than alador himself HAHAHA !! #more potential for him to have kept things from alador n horrible reveals!!!!i need their relationship to b so complicated #ANYWAYS TYSM ANON KİSSİNG YOU KİSSİNG YOU KİSSİNG YOU /p #askies #long post #toh #the owl house #alador blight #i might write a fic abt her at this point i gave her too much thought lol

[waheelawhisperer]

Since I have OCs of my own, I'm curious, how do you go about making yours?

Oh God there are so many ways

Sometimes a stupid idea pops into my head and won't go away until I turn it into a story or character (FUCKING @norondor put Rhine Labs Arthurian Yuri into my brain and now I want to write about hot babe knights and beautiful courtly ladies kissing in secluded castle gardens, for example). This is how I got Greedy, a powerful and ancient dragon who is obsessed with VTubers.

Sometimes I just want to have adventures in the media I consume and come up with a character that lets me do that. In these instances, I typically start by making them someone I'd want to be (skills, personality, physical features, etc) and then decide to give them flaws so that they feel like people instead of strict wish fulfillment. Blatant self-indulgence is nice, but I would typically rather my characters have enough complexity to feel real. Feilan came about when I decided to just make an OC to project on instead of using poor Jaune for the purpose.

Sometimes I have an idea for a story, whether that be in terms of plot, setting, themes, and need characters to bring that to life. For Agara's story, which I still need a title for beyond "Hot Demon Lady Causes Problems On Purpose", I needed Calvin's life to be shitty enough that he'd be socially ostracized and more open to her manipulations, so I created a classist bully to make him miserable. In a lot of ways, this story is about how vulnerable, isolated young men can be groomed and radicalized and how dangerous that pipeline can be, wrapped up in a fantasy setting, so when I created Calvin, I made him the type of person who would be very susceptible to that kind of manipulation - low social status, unpopular with his peers, not particularly conventionally attractive or charismatic, lacking a useful support system, and desperate to change all that. I am not ashamed to admit that I drew on my own experiences here.

Other times I just have a cool idea for a character design that needs a story to go with it, which is how one of the characters of my high fantasy WIP came into being - I thought he was interesting and crafted a world around him.

Sometimes (a lot of the time), I am inspired by other media (fucking Arknights God damn it it keeps giving me brainworms) and create characters based on that. I saw a lovely art piece depicting Texas Arknights permanently removing Mostima from Exusiai's life in a fashion very in sync with her mafia roots and built a setting, plot, and group of characters from it (including a woman who is The Worst Bisexual Representation Ever but I'm pretty sure would also make tumblr sapphics feral on main).

Sometimes I am just horny and create Women I Think Are Hot.

In terms of the actual character creation process, I first identify what caused me to create the character (and thus what's already in place) and then go from there. Sometimes the design/role is already there and the template is already partially filled, but if I'm making a character from scratch, I start by figuring out what their purpose in the narrative is. With Feilan, I knew that the goal was at least in part to let me live out self-indulgent fantasies and have adventures in a world I found interesting (later on, he became my chew toy. This bad boy can fit so much trauma and comedic suffering in him), so I designed a character with physical features I had or wanted to have at the time: tall, built like a linebacker, attractive (but not too attractive. I wanted him to be good-looking, but not so hot women swoon when he walks in a room), deep voice, smart, compassionate, good at adapting on the fly, etc - and I will leave it up to you guys to figure out which traits I have and which ones I want. Then I figured out how I wanted him to dress. I was big into Jojo's Bizarre Adventure at the time and Jotaro's hat/coat combo has infected my brain ever since I first saw it, so I gave Feilan a cool hat and a long black coat. Since he was built on the Jaune self-insert template, I armed him with a sword and shield so I didn't have to modify too much.

Then it was time to figure out, more or less, what I wanted the plot to look like and what traits Feilan needed to have to make that happen. I kind of folded this together with the "give him flaws" stage because I needed those flaws to prevent a quick (and distinctly unsatisfying) resolution in either direction, so I made him good at thinking on his feet and outmaneuvering people (often half by accident or because they overestimate him) and able to plan effectively, but I also made him a bit of a hypocrite, prone to lashing out, self-centered, and afraid of facing the consequences of his own mistakes and then packed him full of some wonderful self-loathing.

The next step was deciding what themes I wanted to delve into. I knew the plot (roughly) of the first Feilan story and what it offered in terms of thematic exploration, so I decided to investigate masculinity, specifically through the lense of male isolation, male insecurity, male physical and emotional vulnerability, and male physical/emotional/sexual abuse. I realized this gave me a great vehicle to discuss masculinity in general, particularly toxic masculinity and what it means to be a man, so I gave Feilan daddy issues by creating Sten-Bjorn Varg (how do I do the symbol on top of the o on my phone someone help me), a Tough Manly Viking Man who has no idea what to do with a son that is very much not a Tough Manly Viking Man and picks a terrible strategy for dealing with that conundrum. I gave Feilan a set of beliefs about how a man Should Be (strong, stoic, doesn't need to ask for help) and started challenging those beliefs and breaking them down over the course of the story.

Then I considered the relationships I wanted him to have with others. I knew I wanted him to be close with Team RWBY, so I needed reasons they'd want to be around him. Being good-looking and not a dickbag is a good start, but if I wanted a real bond, I had to give him a little extra. I made him very laid-back and friendly and a good listener (and willing to cover for/go along with their shenanigans) so they'd be comfortable opening up to him and made him good at book learning so he could help Ruby with her schoolwork and otherwise serve as a mentor figure (and all this gave me the opportunity for delicious angst that fed into his self-esteem/self-loathing issues because every relationship he has is built on the lie that he deserves to be at Beacon).

Then it was time to just come up with the little things that made him feel like a person but weren't specifically plot-relevant. He has a sweet tooth and likes hot chocolate, he enjoys reading and playing video games but isn't a huge fan of watching TV, he's not particularly artistic, he enjoys exercise but not really fighting (outside of a spar. He doesn't get a thrill from it like Yang does) or the brutal training most of his mentors put him through, he doesn't really understand how to dress formally (or dress himself to best advantage in general), he's not very good at flirting or handling being flirted with, etc.

Meanwhile Bluebonnet came about because I thought the world needed more tall blonde big titty bisexual cowgirls with thick Texas accents and I was so right for that. I've been haphazardly slapping bits of characterization onto her like a clay figurine ever since. I started with her appearance, then moved to her personality and fighting style, and built a backstory from there.

Tl;dr there are a ton of ways I make an OC.

#feilan varg #bluebonnet mckiernan #agara

[chaostheatre]

You made a post a while back about mental illness headcanons for Gideon and I’d like to hear more. 👉👈 Idk it’s nice to see people talk about more stigmatized mental illnesses/symptoms without it being like “and he’s like that because he’s fucked up and evil™️”.

unfortunately gideon is a character I have a lot of sympathy for simply because he's treated like such garbage by the fanbase and I believe there is more to him than just being a "bad" person. this is for the book version btw movie guy is just hanging out

also I've literally talked about this so many times that I don't even know which post you're referring to lol

so he's considered an evil boyfriend because he's neglectful and cold. not much is really delved into besides the notion that he pushes people away and doesn't seem... entirely aware of it?

he's outright confused when ramona says that he didn't want her until she left, because he DID want her, he literally just does not know how to show it, or he refrains from doing so out of a fear of vulnerability. I think it's more of a subconscious thing, though.

there's a likely chance he did not have a good relationship with his parents, and they did not have a good relationship with each other. kids who grow up with parents who are separated, legally or emotionally, and who are not emotionally supportive towards them, tend to age with some weird attachment issues (gideon is avoidant, maybe disorganized if we wanna talk about him being clingy).

he has the isolated attitude of someone who grew up wealthy and had a lot of expectations placed on him that he could never live up to. he associates acts of service with love. he cannot imagine being loved simply just for existing, he sees relationships as a transactional partnership in which both parties have to exchange certain things to keep the other happy.

his sense of grandiose is very much tied into this. if he's rich, powerful, charming, then he has a lot more to offer, a lot more people to 'love' him. he uses his hallmarks of success like money, gifts, and influence to win people over but has no emotional intelligence to back that up. his entire sense of worth is wrapped up in his job, which gives him this falsified persona of confidence.

but in a way he's... aware? that this is not right. he knows something is wrong with him, he knows he can't love people the way most do. part of that is aromanticism (which I as an alloaro stand by til death), but a part of it is also all the things he's hiding from.

he builds up this persona to protect himself. he stows away his perceivable flaws- his weakness, his fear, his insecurity, his dependence on others- and puts on this mask of pure cocky confidence to deal with the world.

he is so afraid that if he were to take that mask off, if people saw his issues- the ones he ignores to function- they'd leave him.

I think a lot of the things he does correlate to traits of OCD, his main intrusive thoughts are about being weak, worthless, pathetic, and lots of mind-numbing fear about being abandoned. he is so scared of being left and he deals with it in some very creative ways (as evident in all versions of the franchise). he's very stuck in his own head, but he doesn't want to be alone. and he feels that every time someone leaves him, it confirms all those nasty thoughts he has about himself when the real problem is the things he does to cope with those.

he does tiny micromanage-y things and big control things alike to deal with those fears. it also factors a LOT into kink. he's literally obsessed with control and bdsm gives him a healthy outlet for that (he gets reeeeeeeal grumpy when he's not had kinky sex in a while).

there's a basic rundown of some thoughts. I could go on about how closely this mirrors ramona, just in a different direction, but that'd turn into mush about them.

I also like delusional gideon hcs since I used to have delusions too, I think his delusions would focus more around the idea that he can't die and that he's god (not so much in the literal sense). and being reality checked, such as being abandoned, fucking DESTROYSSS him. he does have a very loose grip on reality no matter what specifics you believe in, though, and it's apparent that he's not really... all there? he lives in his own little world, one that his brain created for him to help cope with his intrusive thoughts and trauma and stuff.

I actually probably could say more but this is enough for now already.

#analysis #JUST SPITBALLING HERE

[grimeysociety]

When my depression works the graveyard shift, all of the people I've ghosted stand there in the room

I feel like I owe an explanation.

I spent most of this year in and out of fandom because I no longer get the joy from it I once did. I used to say "burnout", not knowing it was different for me.

I suspected since late last year that I was autistic. I worked with a girl whose ADHD echoed a lot of my own behaviours. There's a lot of overlap there, but she didn't see herself in some of my traits. I put that aside, thinking, "Nah, I'm not neurodivergent. How could I be?". This was before I learned enough about the female phenotype. It wasn't until my birthday that I had a meltdown after a positive social gathering that I was afraid of my "true" diagnosis.

Turns out it doesn't matter if I have a good time or a bad time. Everything and everyone can become too much. After turning 30, I stewed and sulked about being autistic. The world wasn't made for me, this isn't something I will ever grow out of. I went into to hospital but only got a couple Valium out of it. It was on me to seek out an evaluation, because I'm an adult and those types of services are so few and far between.

I spent months not wanting to name it but knew it wasn't going away. I kept having meltdowns. I kept isolating myself at work because of my off-putting behaviours and attempts to fit in. I was bullied, and when I got pregnant, my differences were even more obvious. I just don't behave normally, period.

I got assessed after waiting three months, after telling my parents and sister my intent to seek a diagnosis. I was about 80% certain it was autism. Either that or I really was just this bad at being a human and I wasn't trying hard enough to get by. This cost $1300 by the way, since I went to private route. My parents said they'd cover this, though my mother still hasn't sent me the money she promised. I was relieved they were supporting me through this at all, since their emotional immaturity made it difficult to share my concerns in the first place.

The report came back that I have ASD. I told my parents, and they've made it about them. Despite me telling them why it shouldn't be a surprise. My dad had said nice things to me about it, only to harass my sister about what she thought on the phone days later. In the same breath, he blamed my mother (Yes! The refrigerator mom theory!) and said he couldn't understand why I didn't just "move on" from things.

So where am I now? Not writing. I can't believe I used to do that so regularly. I only manage a couple things a day. I haven't been enjoying my pregnancy as a result of all this bullshit. I've stopped interacting with anyone online out of chronic shame or shyness. Christmas has come so quickly that I swear it was April last week and I'm not feeling any type of way about it. I think people will be lucky if I manage not to have a meltdown on the 25th.

Executive dysfunction is real. I'll blame that for not writing a word in two months. That and the fact that I've had to learn that I'm disabled the hard way and my entire life has been a fucking lie.

If you've waited for me to reach out, I'm sorry. If you've worried, I'm sorry. I don't know how to be a friend anymore. I hope I can slowly piece myself back together in the New Year.

It's not you, it's me.

#real life

[mystxmomo]

Hello! I've been around since your Danganronpa fic, and pleasantly surprised to see you back and doing fanfic for Homestuck. I'm excited to see the direction you're planning on going with the most recent fic. Also, don't worry, you did a great job with their character voices.

Oh. Well you know.

LMAO.

All joking aside though, thank you so much. I do think I fumbled a bit with John's voice. I need to go back and reread some of his end game dialog and really master him.

But. Hm... Okay. Here's what I'll say.

So the thing about the Homestuck fandom is that. I think it's very good at exploring romantic relationships, as most fandoms are. It's actually fucking excellent at exploring familial relationships, be it support found in a family structure or the effects of an abusive parent on someone (though, I do sometimes think it's obvious when someone is writing from experience, and when someone is writing the idea of what they think a familial abusive relationship functions like. That's not pejorative by any stretch of the mean, though it is interesting to see pop up)

But god damn. Is the fandom kinda bad at exploring deeply intimate platonic relationships sometimes. It's one of the things I found really interesting and.. a little frustrating upon reentering the fandom, especially with how much of a focus found family generally seems to have in fandom spaces. Of course, no one is obligated to write for relationships or characters they have no interest in, but I think it's a bit odd to see people handwave how close like... Example this because it's what I plan on exploring, Jade and Dave are in fics that explore Dave Striders Trauma (though, while I'm using jade as an example I think a central factor of Dave's character is how important his friends are to him. Like more so then the other characters.) Goddamn that boy was up her ass throughout the entirety of acts 1-5. I think it's due to the same thing it always is with fandom, in that the prioritization just isn't there for most people. Though might also be a general discomfort and wariness about writing for platonic intimacy

And again! That's fine. I will write the things I want to see in the world. But that's the angle I'm coming from, in this fic.

I also mentioned it to a friend in their DM's, but I do plan on having a good end. I think a general theme of sburb is that it gives you the building blocks for a happy ending, and forces you to grow and change and work for it. And I want to explore that in my post game fic. You have everything ripped away, now chase it down and get it back. You have all the time in the world to do it, afterall.

On top of that, I made jade the pov character because I think there's a lot to explore when it comes to themes of isolation and loneliness, and the trauma that comes from being alone. And I think there are a few characters you can explore this line of thought from, but jade in particular is absolutely fascinating because of her personality, and a few traits I find charming about her.

So those are my thoughts, going into this fic. Hopefully I do not disappoint.

#homestuck #jade harley #dave strider #its just that simple #booyea first tag for the fic

[eldragon-x]

Ok actually you get Alexander and Belos lore I need to share my OC brainrot

You already know the basics of how Belos at first pretty much just despised her and just kinda waited to see what happens with her.

I think Alexander would mostly isolate herself for most of her childhood because she doesn't really have any stable relationships in her life. And the first time Belos actually gives her any positive attention is when she snaps at another kid and gets into a fight with them after they say they don't believe what Belos says about wild witches. Not really because she wants to defend Belos or anything, but it messed with her that she had to deal with the abuse which she thought Belos inflicted on her because of his own trauma related to their family and that child basically just invalidated that. She wasn't aware of that to this degree tho, she just knew she was bothered by it and lashed out. When Belos found out about that he basically thought "oh she beat up a witch for doubting me :)" and praised her for it.

This turned into Alexander developing her violent tendencies because her father figure approved of it and became less prone to beat her up himself ect. which in her eyes meant their relationship was actually taking a good turn. She extended her behavior to a lot of different situations that involved conflict or disagreement especially since after Belos gave her her GG mask and everything, she always used it to hide her identity when she had to present herself as a supporter of Belos and his proposal of the Coven System and also made sure never to wear her cloak or anything relating to the GG whenever any identifying traits on her were visible, essentially separating her person from the Golden Guard so Belos doesn't have to bail her out of facing consequences because the Golden Guard assaulted someone. When she does end up in a fight with her GG attire tho, Belos does try to keep her out of facing consequences and bend their reputation straight, as mentioned in my first concept.

Belos also pretty much gaslights her when their relationship gets "better" over her teenage years, making her believe that her trauma comes from the incident with their family rather than his abuse, having her understand that he also just lashes out sometimes because of it as an excuse whenever he still chooses to punish her.

As for her friendship with a demon, I'd say Belos saw it as a test of sorts. He thought Alexander proved herself by showing her potential as someone who would harm those around her for speaking bad about him, but he also still believed that she still might've been too corrupted and could possibly end up choosing a demonic being over him.

#me literally writing this: wow belos sucks #owl house #abuse #toh #the owl house #original characters

[timeladyjamie]

1.This chapter made me wish that Lily had a baby girl instead of Harry… if she had a girl (from this chapter i understand that she knew the baby's gender before it was born) she would have still felt trapped but she would have likely associated the baby more with herself rather than with James and their union if it was a girl… kind of like what happened with J.K Rowling and Jessica her oldest daughter from her first and abusive marriage… and the fact that Harry looks so much like James and is also so much like him in personality only makes things worst… you might say that but "Harry got his kindness from Lily" but i think it is wrong: the idea that Lily is full of compassion, or even particularly kind, comes from the films and from fanfiction, not from the books. In the books she is described as being vivacious, charming, very bright, funny, brave, cheeky and good at Potions and Charms, she was never said to be kind in the books not once rather we are shown that she is also quite harsh and over-critical and inclined to blame others for her own faults (e.g. she and Sev both snooped around Petunia’s room, but when Lily is silly enough to let Petunia know, and she’s angry about it, suddenly Lily makes out it’s all Sev’s fault and treats him horribly) so Harry is way more similar to James than to Lily and kindness is not one of Harry's defining traits not in the books or in movies… The only characters who you can described as fundamentally kind are Luna and Neville that is why i wish Neville was Lily's son instead of Harry or that she just had a girl instead… even before i knew about Snily's backstory i never liked Harry's character and that is why i never fully read the books since you can't read a whole franchise if you dislike the main character and reading this chapter just made me think that Harry is just a burrden and a painful reminder in Lily's life it is not his fault of course (he didn't ask to be born) but he is still a burrden and somthing that will always stands between her and Severus and represent James…. i think with someone like Neville as Lily's son or if she had a girl everything would have been easier for Snape and for Lily since Neville Potter or a "girl who lived" is so much more lovable and much less related to James…

2.one thing i personally disagree with is James regretting Harry and blaming him for everything. yes, James was immature (doing secret escapades with the Cloak of Invisibility) and frustrated to be locked up but i always saw James as loving Harry deeply and wanting him to be like him and being the permissive and spoiling parent to me he was like Lucius Malfoy a good, spoiling and proud father but a shitty person overall lol.

3.it is said it this chapter that Lily tried to get a job but this goes against what J.K has said that they immediately joined the order after graduating and were supported financially by James. so i always saw Lily as someone who was a bit spoiled since she was her parents favorite so she blindly trusted James and was happy to be supported by him financially that is another mistake i headcanon that she made since she was so blindly in love with the person that she thought he was that she became too depandent on him financially and emotionally letting him isolate her…

4.another thing we apparently have different opinions of is Harry's conception, you wrote it as something that was planned due to Lily's inlaws pressure but i always saw it as an unplanned pregnancy resulting from a drunken hallowen party since it doesn't make sense to me that James and Lily would want to have a child while they were so young, in a middle of a big war and while they are prominent fighters in the frontlines so we agree to diagree (: unlike Harry, i think Neville was planned since Frank and Alice were older and being aurors was their profession they weren't fighters just because of the war.

5.do you have a Snily fic like this just without Harry or with a girl who live instead that i could read?

6.the way you described James as seeing Lily as an award to be won is so spot on since he was a spoilt child who always got what he wanted and never received no for an answer so he doesn't know how to lose and views everything as a game… The way their relationship is described in the book has so many red flags… if James had lived and Lily wanted a divorce i am sure he would have threatened to take Harry away from her if she will leave him just like he had threatened her to date him if she wanted him to stop hexing snape he is not above playing dirty and hit below the belt as long as he gets what he wants so the fact that he died saved Lily for an ugly custody battle….

7.what does the Lily flower and the phoenix have in common? Does lily symbolize rebirth?

8.another thing is i always saw Lily's flaws and darkness manifesting in her treatment of Snape and Petunia and not in her motherhood but her bad reaction to the unborn Harry in this made sense since she was feeling trapped and knew that she was pregnant with a boy so it was like having James all around her. again, i think her initial reaction would have been a lot different and much better if the baby was a girl just like it happened to J.K

9.In terms of the chronology/timeline of the story, back in Chapter 4: Snapdragon in the August 16th, 1994 paragraph there is a flashback scene where Lily is already heavily pregnant at the end of her pregnancy and she is confronting James at Harry's nursery on his lies and deceit but in this latest chapter (chapter 12) it appears that Lily only learned about James's lies just as she found out about the pregnancy so i am confused as to where and when this flashback scene from chapter 4 is placed in the grand scheme of things? Can you write me the rest of the timeline strarting from their wedding on 7 July 1978 and on?

10.why did Lily disappeared from the memories at some point and left Severus to watch them alone?

11.why did James and Sirius didn't trust Remus while Lily did?

12.where did James and Lily live after their wedding? At Godric's Hollow? Or did they only move there once they went into hiding?

13.did they found out about the prophecy and went into hiding in February, 1980? I always thought that they choose the secret keeper a week before Halloween… again, i need you to write me the timeline from their wedding on 7 July 1978 to Halloween.

Sorry for so many questions as i said before this chapter gave me a lot to think about… also,i hope you are not angry that i previously pointed out some mistakes/inconsistencies in the timeline since some authors hate it when it is being pointed out to them but i just wanted everything to be perfect since i wanted to be able to understand the story better😁 P.S wishing you a happy and healthy 2024🥳

NOTE FOR MYSELF: Just for reference when looking back at this post, it's in regard to Chapter 12 of The Language of Flowers.

I've read the books and while there are things pointing out Lily's flaws, she does have her kind moments in the books too. It's not just a thing from the films or fandom. I mean, it was her kindness that made Severus fall for her (at least it's implied throughout the text.) And with regards to Lily having a boy or a girl (or someone like Neville), It might have made a slight difference, but it still isn't the point of it. It's about the fact that everyone keeps noting how Harry looks and acts like James, but yet, Lily just wants Harry to be his own person and not continue to keep being compared to his dad (especially because of seeing how much a jerk James is.) It's also about Lily learning this herself. It isn't Harry's fault that his father is James, but with self-awareness to it, he can do the work to make sure he doesn't follow down his footsteps (something he actually does talk about in the book of the Order of the Phoenix when he finds out how much of a bully James was.) We haven't gotten there yet in the fanfic, but we are close!

I didn't take it as James regretting having Harry or blaming him for everything. I know I said this story would be pretty big on James-Bashing, and it is, but to me him saying “It’s because of our son that we’re in this predicament" and "I didn't want this", it was just one of those stupid moments (even for James) where you're frustrated or going through a mix of emotions and you say stupid things or the wrong things without thinking it through. And once it's said, you kind of can't take it back. It was like that. James is a flawed being. He was immature and a jerk, but the only thing I will give him credit for in this story is that he did care for Harry, which is why at the very end, he still tried to protect him and Lily.

The story acknowledges the fact that they were financially supported by James' fortune and joined the Order after graduation. However, I think Lily still would have liked to get a job herself (because everyone has goals and dreams of what they want to be after all), but because of everything going on with the first war and the dangers it presented, especially for her, she decided it was best to live off James' fortune and just join the Order. Can't argue with those facts, but you also can't change the fact she would have wanted her own career too.

To me, it was pressure from the in-laws, pressure from marriage expectations, pressure from the war and also an unplanned pregnancy. Obviously they were only 18 when they got married directly after graduating (pressure from the war, check.) Then the fact James parents were considered "elderly", even for wizarding standards and had a noted history with problems concieving, hence James was the result of a late-in-life pregnancy and entirely dotted on (pressure from the in-laws, check.) Then like with most marriages, at least from a typical society view since the dawn of time, you are expected to carry on the family legacy and have children (pressure from marriage expectations, check.) After that, depending on if you want a child or not at that current time or at all, it could feel like an unplanned pregnancy, especially if you're in a toxic relationship and have no other choice but to do it or feel pressured to do so. (unplanned pregnancy because of pressure's from marriage expectations, in-laws, and war, check.) That's how I saw it.

I have other Snily fics without Harry, which are also AU's: A Lily Among the Snakes and Obscurial Flower (Rewritten). However, my main focus has been working on The Language of Flowers right now, so those two stories only have 2 chapters up.

I've always seen James and Lily's relationship this way too, so of course I had to explore the potential of it, especially with Lily being alive. I just feel like the canon text gave us so many nods to the Red Flags of James Potter and the kind of spouse he would be towards Lily; between being a bully to those he felt deserved it, arrogant and so sure he was never wrong. He was also willing to hex Lily when she tried to stand up for her friend, and he was seen writing her initials on a Golden Snitch (the implication being a trophy and prize of sorts since that is what a Seeker goes after in Quidditch to win the game, which just symbolizes perfectly how the relationship was viewed by James.) It was literally SCREAMING to me from that scene in the book: GET YOUR RED FLAGS, especially with the fact he was still bullying Snape behind her back in Seventh Year while acting like he had changed his ways! This reminds me, I need to finish that meta I was writing up on this topic.

Lilies Symbolize: Unconditional Love, Devotion, Purity, Innocence, Fertility, Femininity, Grief/Mourning, & New Life/Rebirth. The Phoenix Symbolize: Immortatlity, resurrection, new beginnings, healing, hope and self-regeneration. (( I just took the fact they both meant overcoming death, bringing hope and healing and put it together. It was also a call to her being part of the Order of the Phoenix ;D.

Everyone has light and dark in them. That's the thing. And while Lily does have her...dark moments elsewhere, it was during motherhood and being in a toxic, loveless marriage when she started to awaken to it and that was what led her to wanting to make the change and try to be better. That was the implication of it anyway.

The one taking place in Chapter 4 is hinted to be a trick of the mind because nightmares can do that, especially when they try to use our fears against us. The true and real thing that happened was in Chapter 12. I'll get around to writing out the Timeline for Lily's Past when I can. I'll probably post it here to make it easier. I'll inform when it happens.

It was implied and even pointed out by Severus that the reason she suddenly disappeared like that was because at that point in the memories she had started to lose herself in the darkness in her life after finding out the truth about her relationship with James. She also didn't want to witness everything with Voldy again. But as for if she heard everything while not being there...hmm...possibly ;) It is still her mind.

It is said that Sirius was wary of Remus at the time (and much of everyone, thinking some people were secret spies for Voldy.) He obviously wasn't wrong since that's exactly what Peter was, but it's sad it was directed towards Remus. I figured Sirius would influence James to feel the same way, but obviously Lily didn't.

They lived at the Potter estate before and after James parents passed, but moved to Godric's Hollow when they were told to go into hiding. This was my version of expliaing it since it was never really mentioned to us.

Again, same as I said above. We aren't really sure exactly when it all happened. All we know is Trelawney's Prophecy was made early in 1980 to Dumbledore, but Snape ended up overhearing it and passing it onto Voldy, which then started everything. Exact dates not known, but what happened here in my story is my creative guess on it.

#answered messages #my fanfiction #the language of flowers

[beazt]

made a big long venty post about how this website affects my moral scrupulosity and how that presents itself. I spent over 90 minutes on writing and revising various versions of the post before I started this one, and none of them passed my moral scrupulosity + anxiety about attracting hate

so instead I will ask this:

does anyone have any alternative social medias where users are a bit less “constantly under public scrutiny” while not being contingent on providing personal information (like facebook)

it also needs to have solid marginalized communities because I want to be open about things like disability, being intersex, queer, etc

a vague gesture towards discord isn’t a good option bc I really really struggle to find servers that are openly for/allied to people like me and it’s still a crapshoot on whether they require personal information (namely birthdate and face on a government ID????) to be let into the server at all, or they’re huge servers which overwhelm me, or they say they’re allied to intersex people for example then immediately upon joining and saying I’m intersex in a private conversation with a mod, being pinged in the server by that mod with “since you’re intersex can you answer these questions we have about being intersex? we have a few members who have these questions and you’re the first intersex person to join” or they’re allied to intersex folks supposedly but they’re ableist as hell, etc.

and I doooo want to be able to find people who share interests with me beyond innate traits about me too…

:(

im mainly asking because genuinely right now tumblr is my main form of social interaction and view into the outside world most days. im incredibly isolated physically and have no power to change that, and my social life has been in tatters for a long time for various reasons, im not saying that is entirely not my fault but there are a lot of complicated factors going into it and I’m in a catch-22 where I need to get better to maintain friendships apparently, but im in such a shit situation rn* with almost no support system and while I’m working on myself as much as I can, I can only do so much of that while going through extended trauma and extremely little support, and, get this, I still deserve to have friends and support!

*(I have never not been in a horrible situation overall)

I don’t foresee abandoning tumblr, but I need more than just tumblr and YouTube, yknow?

#there’s a lot more that I wanted to say in this post #but it’s already too long and really pushing my anxiety to post this #lous clues

[linkspooky]

Yuji, Alone. 

I have been saying in my past few meta that Yuji has a really unhealthy way of viewing both himself, and his relationships with others. Yuji is excellent at reading the feelings of others and empathizing with them, and at the same time terrible at processing his own emotions, a trait he shares with Geto who he is once again paralleling this chapter by choosing to stew in isolation rather than reach out for support. 

Chapter 138 does an excellent job of showing how deep these issues run, which I will explain under the cut. 

1. Yuji and Geto

If I were to explain the unhealthy mindset Yuji has by simplifying it down to one sentenence, simply stated it would be “I want to help others, but I don’t want to accept help from other people.” 

Both Yuji and Geto are so motivated by empathy they feel like they are responsible for solving other people’s problems, and they often use other people rather than themselves as a reason to move. They’re actually selfless to a fault. In that, it’s a problem in their behavior. They do everything they do for other peope, so they have no idea what they themselves want. If Gojo is someone who has a strong self image, a strong set of beliefs, an idea of what he wants to do to the world, Geto and Yuji are people who try not to think about themselves at all. 

Not only does Yuji almost never critically exam his own motivations, but he also doesn’t think of his relationships with other people. 

This is something Yaga pointed out as a danger with Yuji’s way of going about things, all the way at the beginning of his arc. If you’re doing it because your grandpa told you so, then is it really something you want to do? When you die, is it going to be your grandpa’s fault too?

Yuji is someone who seems selfless on the surface, and to an extent he is, but just like Geto that’s not all there is to him. It’s something Gojo called out early on, Geto presented himself as someone selfless, motivated entirely by using his powers to protect others, but he was also doing so self righteously. 

To clarify what I mean by self righteous, Geto believed that he was doing something because it was the objective right thing to do, but actually it was just his own personal feelings. That’s why after Riko’s death forced him to critically examine himself, he realized he didn’t want to follow the rules of Jujutsu Society. 

Both Yuji and Geto pay attention to others, but also have the blinders on in regards to themselves, and that’s the parallel right there. Yuji says he is doing these things for other people, that his number one priority is to save them but that motivation is even deconstructed in the third chapter.

Yuji’s not actually doing this for purely altruistic reasons, but for selfish ones. He wanted to do something that nobody else could do. Yuji’s life was like a vaccuum before this point. He didn’t have any real friends, or anything he wanted to do. Suddenly he had a purpose basically gift wrapped and handed to him on his lap. 

Basically, Yuji and Geto both have this schewed way of seeing other people. They thing other people exist to validate their own existences. 

To put it simply. If Hidden Inventory Geto helps weak people than he’s valid. If Yuji helps people, then he’s valid. 

Not only is the way they view themselves built around how they help other people, but at the same time all of their relationships are built up on this as well. Relationships that are built upon shaky foundations will crumble apart easily when tested. 

Geto’s most important relationship was with Gojo, they had an intense chemistry and interaction with one another like they were made for each other. They were both good at naturally balancing each other out, Geto was the one who stood up to Gojo and acted like a tether, and Gojo ackonwledged Geto as his one and only. 

However, the relationship was also built on the idea that Gojo needed Geto. Geto was only able to view his relationships with other people in that way. Geto, wants to take care of people, wants to help people. However, eventually, he was left behind by Gojo who no longer needed him as a partner in combat. On top of that, Geto awoke to a higher purpose in ridding the world of cursed energy. Geto wants to be needed by somebody in the same sense that Yuji does, so for Geto at least being needed to save the whole world in his eyes, was just more important than maintaining his relationship with Gojo. 

Which is why both Geto and Yuji’s relationships fall apart. They are great at making relationshisps, but not at maintaining them. Attention is drawn to the fact that the trio has great chemistry with each other and get along well, but they’re also terrible at communicating with each other. 

"The seats... in my life... How should I put this? I don't want my heart to be affected by people who don't have a place there. Does that sound cold? Well, I guess there are also guys like you who brings their own chair and takes a seat." Translation by Miho.

Almost literally, I don’t want anyone who’s not a part of my life to try to talk to me or tell me what to do. Also the reference that Yuji is kind of different because Yuji just kind of walked into her life unannounced and invited himself there (this is how Yuji forms relationships with everyone.)

All three of them go behind each other’s backs and keep secrets from one another. All three of them avoid direct confrontation, Nobara even says she doesn’t really want anyone else even trying to tell her how to live her life. The Origin of Obedience arc shows that Nobara, Yuji and Megumi are all good at fighting together as a team, but also questioning if they have a healthy friendship outside of that?

Any relationship takes work, confrontation, arguments and even just plain old talking about things. However, someone who is primarily insecure in their relationships will not be able to do things.  Couples shouldn’t only argue, but couples who never argue is just as unhealthy. If you are so afraid that one argument is going to end a relationship, then your relationship was fragile to begin with. 

Yuji and Geto experience conditional relatinoships. In the sense that, they are only allowed to have friends, if they are helpful to those friends. They themselves are never allowed to ask for help. It’s true that Gojo was kind of blind to Geto’s faults, but also Geto would have never asked for help. Gojo could not see, and Geto deliberately hid things from them. 

Geto always makes his relationships on the condition that he is needed. When Gojo grew more independent, Geto took that as a sign that Gojo didn’t need him anymore and deliberately started to pull away.

Because, Geto isn’t ever allowed to be the one who needs someone else. 

2. Avoidant Attachment

This is just a personal theory of mine, but I think Yuji’s issues might even center around the psychological idea of attachment theory. Especially it’s since deliberately mentioned to Junpei, that Yuji never met his mother. 

Attachment theory is a complex idea, but basically it states that attachment to other people, that is the idea to form healthy relationships with family members, friends, romantic partners is learned instead of naturally present in us. It’s a skill people develop in their formative years. 

Those who show patterns of problematic attachment in childhood will continue the behavior into adulthood unless it’s corrected, because attachment is a skill that’s developed the same as anything else. Of the four categories, Yuji and Geto most resemble this one. 

Avoidant attachment: Children with an avoidant attachment tend to avoid parents or caregivers, showing no preference between a caregiver and a complete stranger. This attachment style might be a result of abusive or neglectful caregivers. Children who are punished for relying on a caregiver will learn to avoid seeking help in the future.

Which goes further to explain how they can be so empathic towards other people, and yet the same time completely unable to maintain close relationships with them. It’s because, they avoid people at the same time. They don’t seek out help when they need it, because, deep down they view themselves as unworthy of the help. 

Geto did not immediately break after the trauma of losing Riko, it was the year of isolation after that where he slowly was consumed by his regrets. Geto got worse and worse over a period of time because he couldn’t handle his trauma in any healthy way, until he just completely snapped. 

During that time he asked himself the same questions over and over again, but Geto wasn’t able to find any kind of healthy answer to his questions because, he didn’t reach out for anybody. It wasn’t just the trauma, it was the behavior after the trauma, the decision to isolate himself for over a year. No one does well in isolation. You need other people to grow or develop. If anything Geto stagnated. Geto’s central flaw was his self-righteousness. Rather than realizing he was wrong and trying to change this flaw of his, he just doubles down and becomes even more self righteous. He goes from believing he’s responsible for protecting all the weak people, to believing he’s a superior being tasked with eliminating all the weak people in the world. So, it’s not really that Geto changed, moreso that he stagnated because he cut off all his relationships with other people. 

And isn’t Yuji doing the exact same thing right now? Yaga even points out this similaritiy between Geto and Yuji, that they try to carry every regret and burden they have on their own. 

It’s not out of selflessness that they do this though, but rather insecurity. Geto didn’t come to Gojo with his problems, because he wanted to be the strongest alongside Gojo he didn’t want to be weak. He was deliberately avoiding Gojo. 

I think it’s important to establish that Yuji wasn’t abandoned by his friends this chapter. Yuji is alone, because he chose to be alone. He’s alone because he’s avoiding both of his friends, because he’s so, so afraid the friendship will end because it’s based entirely on the condition that he be a helpful, good person.

It’s true that Yuji is genuinely worried about his friends getting hurt because of him, but look at his choices. He’s not really tackling the problem in a healthy way. He’s doing everything he can to avoid the problem, isolating himself, and just trying not to think about things. He could try to talk with Megumi and find a solution, but he’s not doing that because he’s insecure in his attachment to others. 

I think his reaction to Choso pretty clearly illustrates this too. Yuji isn’t around his friends because he doesn’t want to be around them. Which is tragic, because Yuji is holding himself responsible for the mass murder which isn’t really his fault. However, Yuji saw his relationship with both Nobara and Megumi as conditional to begin with. He can only be friends with people he can help, and he can never receive help from them. It’s unhealthy to start with because relationships go both ways. Yuji is also, completely unresponsive to Choso.

Yes. Choso suddenly walking to him and delcaring them brothers is really weird.  I don’t expect Yuji to just suddenly start getting along with him right away.

At the same time, Choso explains what the unconditional love between family is between Yuji, and Yuji just doesn’t get it, because he either hasn’t experienced enough of it, or his grandpa the only person that ever unconditionally loved him is gone. Yuji can’t understand Megumi’s love for him is unconditional,. because from the beginning he sees all relationships as conditional. 

Yuji and Choso are facing opposite direcitons because they’re opposites. Choso is willing to hurt complete strangers too, but his love for his family is unconditional and he will do anything for them. Yuji will help complete strangers, but, he doesn’t really understand unconditional love, and even his love with his closest friends has a few conditions. 

Which is why someone who appears on the surface as such a friendly guy who makes friends everywhere he goes, can call himself “a loner” because in Yuji’s mind he is. He doesn’t have friends, he has people who need him. 

Which is just incredibly sad because Yuji doesn’t understand this. Yuji isolates himself thinking he’s doing it for the sake of his friends, but neither Megumi nor Nobara would want him to be alone. 

#yuji itadori #megumi fushigoro #kugisaki nobara #suguru geto #choso #jjk meta #jujutsu kaisen meta #jjk 138 #jujutsu kaisen 138 #jujutsu kaisen

[komatsunana]

Unpopular opinion, but I think Nana K and Takumi are really good for each other. I'm just really drawn to the both of them. I think that in his own way, Takumi does really love Hachi. Hachi is warm, motherly, and gentle, things that Takumi had always been deprived of ever since he was young. Even though Hachi is spoiled and childish she is a pillar of strength and loyal to a fault to her friends. Takumi can better ground Hachi to reality, and can accept her for what she is, and Hachi can soften Takumi.

I remember that scene in the bathtub when Hachi said that Takumi can rely on her, he was so surprised, like the concept of relying on someone else is so foreign to him, which is not surprising given his background. That's why that time when Takumi received the call about Ren's death, and he held Nana's hands, is all the more significant, because Takumi does not do that, he takes care of everything by himself.

I won't excuse his problematic behaviors, but who amongst the characters in Nana are not problematic? (Nana O with her possessiveness, Ren with his addiction, Reira and Shin's self esteem issues and struggle with their self worth)

Sooooo there is LOTS to unpack here, particularly with another ask I assume is from you.

What I'll focus on here is that,, I think the relationship is FAR tilted in Hachi making Takumi a better person than the other way around. Sure Takumi can give Hachi a reality check, but this isn't something that other character's couldn't provide Hachi if given the opportunity. Additionally, Hachi is 20, later turning 21. At that age, not many 20 year olds have a firm grasp of themselves and reality. Hachi's flightiness is part of her age. We see her growing up through the series and with or without Takumi, she'd be getting a reality check just by growing up. On the other hand, the things Hachi offers Takumi are things that no one else in the series is able to offer.

Take your example of Takumi taking Hachi's hand after getting the call about Ren's death. That is a very powerful example of how Takumi depends on Hachi, yes. But later, when Hachi is still processing her grief over Ren Takumi tells her without discussion that he won't be staying at their place. When Hachi, pregnant and grieving, cries and basically expresses that she's upset and needs his support... He just tells her to go stay with Nana, like it's obvious, like he hadn't just made plans all on his own and not discussed them at all with her. It's great that it worked out to both Hachi's and Nana's benefit to be together to grieve but as we find out... Takumi leaves Hachi at Nana's without any contact whatsoever. Prioritizing Reira's well-being over Hachi's. And while, true, Reira is in need of more direct comfort and care in her state... they have phones. A phone call, A TEXT would be sufficient just to check in. But he doesn't.

Additionally, at the end of the day... Takumi has raped Hachi twice that we've seen (chapter 29 and chapter 47), because rape isn't just physically beating someone into the act. She even says it's rape in chapter 48, though narratively it is treated as a joke. He also emotionally abuses her constantly, isolating her from others and belittling her when she implies he's jealous about Nobu when he is at least a little.

The way abuse works, the abuser has many more good and charming moments with their victim. That's why abuse victims stay which is why yes, Takumi and Hachi have lots of cute moments together. Those moments are why Hachi stays, why many abused people stay with their abusive partner at least in the beginning.

I do believe completely that in those future chapters we see ahead in NANA, Takumi is a much better person because all we've seen is that he does change and feel regret over his past behaviors. A better husband and partner to Hachi, and most importantly a loving father. But none of that means Hachi would ultimately be better off with their relationship. I do enjoy Takumi's character - he is among the most interesting characters of the series - but he definitely got the better end of the deal here.

Which brings me to the word problematic. I hate that word honestly, because it brings us to situations like this where we can distill people into being ~problematic~ without naming what qualities making them so. Takumi is a rapist and abuser and this is not equal with any of the characters problematic traits you've listed. That said, I'll say that Ren's problematic flaw is NOT being an addict. Being a drug user is not a moral failing, even if how someone treats people while using drugs can be. Ren's big failing is the same as Nana's - possessiveness even if it manifests itself differently. Also... one, struggling with self-esteem and self-worth are not problematic. Reira's issue is being an adult who is in a romantic and sexual relationship with a kid who is being sex trafficked.

One of the great things about NANA is the characters and their wide range of character flaws. I think the story is better off for having all of them, with all their flaws (even if narrative handling of some of those flaws could be better imo). That doesn't mean all flaws are equal. I respect that you have that opinion and I don't think it's as unpopular as you think. I just think you're on tumblr, where most users see rape and abuse as deal breakers. Go seek out the Instagram NANA fans or if you're interested in having a nuanced discussion about Takumi join my NANA Discord here.

Thanks for the ask and I'll answer the other asks in my ask box ASAP :)

#nana #ai yazawa #komatsu nana #komatsu hachi #ichinose takumi #takumi ichinose #my nana feels #i scream #ask #Anonymous

[tommysparker]

Never Forget You [Chapter 1]

Obi-Wan Kenobi x Jedi!Reader

A/N: here’s the first official chapter! thank you so much for the support this series as already gotten. chapters will be posted every Saturday! enjoy :)

Warnings: angst. fluffy flashbacks. this isn’t even the worst of it mwhaha. paragraphed italics = flashback

                                            [10 YEARS LATER] 

The sky was as blue as his eyes. Not as dark and cloudy, but gave the same feeling of hope, peacefulness, and comfort. You could picture them vividly in your mind, even the small crinkle at the edges and the kindness they held, a warmness that matched your current aurora.  

The two of you sat in the gardens for what felt like hours, deep in meditation. Your force signatures quickly became entangled with one another, your bond radiating around you, creating almost a shield bubble between the rest of the world and the two who sat inside. 

Obi-Wan was the first to open his eyes, having never been one to sit still for long periods of time. He’s improved since he was a youngling, but still had a long way to go. 

You, on the other hand, looked completely invested in your meditation. Your face was relaxed, although every now and then your eyebrows would furrow as you tried to maintain concentration. It was hard when a certain other was very distracting, even if he wasn’t aware of it. 

“I can feel you staring,” you said, eyes still closed. Obi-Wan was thankful for that fact because it means you wouldn’t see him blush in embarrassment from getting caught. 

“I can feel you blushing, too.” This time, you opened your eyes and smiled. “I knew you wouldn’t last long.” Anytime the two of you tried to meditate together, it would always end with Obi-Wan getting bored and asking to duel instead. 

He quickly hid his face, pulling the hood of his robe over his head. “I’m not blushing, that’s childish.” 

You giggled, leaning forward to lift the front of his hood. “Obi-Wan, you are the most childish person I know.” 

The young man was about to protest before you hushed, eyes already closed once more as you returned to your deep state of awareness. 

You opened your eyes and sighed, long and deep. 

Standing up from the cold floor of your room, you looked out the window and gazed at the cloudy sky of Gyfill. The air felt chilly from the lack of life-forms in the area. After your first week on the planet, you decided it was a safer idea to seek shelter away from town. Considering your mission was to spy on the local Separatist groups, keeping a low profile was essential. 

Today was different, however. The same cold and dull atmosphere were present, but the future is what held the divergent. For today, was the day you were finally to return home. 

Home. The word itself felt familiar but distant. As a Jedi, you trained to hold little sentimental value. Attachments were forbidden, a path to the dark side. They provoked fear. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering. 

Once your bag of belongings was packed, you made your way to the marked location someone from the Jedi council sent earlier that morning. Mentally, you were not prepared to see everyone again. After being isolated for years and having limited contact with any life form outside of business, the many faces from your time at the Temple became slightly blurry. Except for his. 

Obi-Wan Kenobi was on his way to the Archives when he bumped into Ahsoka Tano. 

“Oh, Master Kenobi! Perfect, I was about to go look for you.” 

“Ahsoka,” he smiled. “What can I do for you?” 

“Who’s Y/n Y/l/n?” 

Obi-Wan froze. The sound of that name echoed in his mind, paired with memories that he had locked away in the back of his mind. “Well...that’s a name I haven’t heard in a long time,” was all he could manage to say, still trying to process all the past recollections that suddenly surfaced. 

“So, you know them?” 

“Uh, yes I suppose so. We were...close as younglings and trained together as Padawans. They were...the most skilled Jedi I ever had the pleasure of knowing, almost as good as Master Yoda.” 

“If they’re so great, how come I never heard of them before?” Ahsoka tilted her head and raised an eyebrow, resting a hand on her hip in classic ‘Ashoka manner’, 

“They were sent away on an important mission years ago as far as I know. Er, why do you ask? And how did you come to know of that name?” 

“Oh right. Anakin said the Chancellor told him that Master Y/l/n was returning today. He told me to ask you about it.” 

Once again, Obi-Wan’s world paused. 

He stood across from you, trying to maintain a neutral expression as he watched you load your bags onto the ship. However, you knew him better than that. 

You walked up to the young boy and he took in your appearance. Gone was the braid that draped over your shoulder. Gone were the long robes you liked to hide in, in their place was a heavy jacket that looked like it was built to keep out the cold. Perhaps you were going to Hoth? 

“Obi, you know I can’t tell you where I’m going. Master Windu was strict about his instructions,” You sighed, sensing your friend trying to deduce as much as he could. Your Master was very clear when he told you how classified the mission was. No one can know, especially Obi-Wan. 

“Can you at least say how long you’ll be gone?” He practically begged, wanting something, anything he could get to keep his hope alive. Hope that you'll return soon. Hope that you weren’t truly leaving him. 

You looked away, staring at the towers and passing hover-vehicles that littered the planet you’ve grown up on. “I don’t know.” 

Everything had happened so suddenly. You were called into the council room that day to hear the news every Padawan dreams of. When Master Windu said you were ready for the trials, the first thing you went to do was tell Obi-Wan. The two of you celebrated that night in the gardens, a moment you would treasure for the rest of your life. Soon after you gained the title of Jedi Knight, you were once again called into the Jedi Council room to be debriefed on your first mission as a proper Jedi. You didn’t want to mess this up. You couldn’t. 

Obi-Wan resists the urge to pull you into a hug and never let you go, instead opting to hold your shoulders and give you his signature charming smile. “Be safe, darling.” 

You smiled, but it didn’t reach your eyes. You held his wrist, bringing his knuckles to your lips and pressed a hesitant kiss to them before pushing them to his side. “May the force be with you.” 

There was no pet name at the end, no ‘my friend’ or even his own name. It was a sentence that was meant to bring comfort, but the way you phrased it, the edge in your voice, made Obi-Wan feel everything but comforted. 

He didn’t get the luxury of responding, for all he did was blink and suddenly you were on the ship, taking off into the clear blue sky. 

You gazed at the clouds passing by as the ship flew into Coruscant’s atmosphere. The bright light and sunny day was a harsh change from the grey sky that fell over Gyfill. The energy emitting off of all the life-forms gave you a headache. You felt the Force all around you, swirling in the air and penetrating your soul. It was like a breath of fresh air after drowning for over a decade. 

You flinched at the light as the door opened, suddenly feeling like a hermit crawling out of its shell. Slowly walking out of the ship, you pulled the cloak hood over your head, inhaling the strange but familiar scent of the Jedi Temple. You were still wearing your Gyfill civilian attire, the wool fabric made the Coruscant heat much more intense causing a few beads of sweat to form on your forehead. Or was it just the nerves of seeing all the people you left behind? 

Master Windu stood at the end of the drop door, a smile on his face at the sight of his former Padawan. It was an occasion that called for a little joy, a moment to celebrate outside the war that raged through the galaxy. 

You descended down the ramp, taking in a sharp breath at the feeling of another force sensitive. “Master Windu”. You bowed your head and he did the same to you. 

“Master Y/l/n, it’s great to see you in person rather than as a hologram.” 

You both chuckled lightly. “The feeling is mutual, Master. It’s...it’s good to be back.” Your eyes wandered over the people that roamed about. Jedi Masters walked with their Padawans at their side. Distant memories resonated within you. Some time ago that was once you and your Master, the man who stands before you know who has grown significantly older. Then again, so have I, you thought to yourself. 

Unbeknownst to you, you weren’t the only one registering your growth. Obi-Wan stood behind a pillar, glancing over the hanger in search of a familiar face. He was aware it would not be the same face he knew as a young boy, but he certainly was not prepared for what he saw. 

You look older, which was the obvious and expected observation. He noted how you wrapped yourself in your cloak, similar to how you would in your youth. You stood tall in front of Master Windu, another trait you had kept since your days as a Padawan. He remembered how you would always act mature in the presence of Masters, something he never really understood until becoming a Jedi Knight. The need for approval by the superiors was a constant.

It wasn’t just your appearance that had changed either. He could feel it in the Force. There was a shift in it when you had landed that made an excited yet nervous chill run down his spine. You were stronger and held more control in your signature. 

Before, he remembers being able to feel it from across the Temple. Now, it was barely there. He remembers feeling your bond drift farther as he watched you leave, and how it had dimmed over the years you were gone. He remembers the pain that tortured him every night as he laid awake in bed, trying to reach out across the stars but only being met with the vast emptiness of space. There was something in him that broke the first time he slept without having a tendril of your force signature connected with his. He felt cold, resorting to sleeping in his Master’s quarters in an attempt to ease the loneliness. 

Overall, it would appear that nothing about you had changed, and yet it seemed everything was different. Almost everything. 

His eyes were just as blue as the last time you saw them. They looked tired, haunted by the ongoing war but still filled with determination. Classic Obi-Wan. 

You quickly broke eye contact the moment it was made, but that one second was more than enough for Obi-Wan to get lost in the familiar colour. His favourite colour in fact, not that he would ever admit you had any part in the decision. 

“Master Obi-Wan?” 

He jumped at the sound of a voice and suddenly became aware of the presence right next to him, that presence belonging to none other than Master Yoda. 

“Master Yoda! I er I was just...uh...looking...for Anakin! Yes, uh have you seen him around by any chance?” Obi-Wan quickly tried to cover his stutter, feeling embarrassed about getting caught gazing from afar. Not that Master Yoda would know he was looking at you...right?

“I see,” the little green creature smirked in amusement. “Whatever it is, wait it can. Council meeting about to begin there is.” 

Obi-Wan furrowed his eyes. Typically he was able to keep a good track of the meetings, but this was news to him. “What’s it about?” 

“Master Y/l/n.”  

“Hmm?” You hummed absentmindedly.  

“Are you listening?” Master Windu raised an eyebrow.

“Oh uh, my apologies Master. I’m just...readjusting.” You tried to focus your attention on what Master Windu was saying, but the recognition of his presence made it difficult. For years, you tried to forget about him. You ignored the empty feeling in your stomach at night, the thoughts and memories that plagued your dreams. After some time, they eventually began to fade but never forgotten. It was for the best. 

Master Windu crossed his arms. “There will be plenty of time for that after your debrief of the mission. Master Yoda and the rest of the council await.”

Oh, Force, not the council. 

You would never dare to admit or even show it, but the council and being in the council room had always intimidated you. How could it not? You had to stand in the center of all the best Jedi of that era while they stare at you, judging you, sitting high and mighty in those stupid chairs.  

“This way, my old Padawan.” 

You followed Master Windu through the large halls of the Jedi Temple. You masked the nervousness that was no doubt radiating from your force signature. A multitude of thoughts ran through your mind, good and bad. Worst case scenario, you had done something so wrong that you were about to be kicked out of the Jedi Order. Nothing came to mind when you tried to think of any offence you had committed in the recent weeks since you earned the title of Jedi Knight. 

You were pulled out of your thoughts by the sound of the large council room doors opening, the creaking of the hinges made you cringe slightly.  

The room was ominously lit, the only light source being the setting sun shining through the glass windowed walls. Master Yoda sat in his seat. All the other chairs were empty. 

Master Windu took his seat as you stood before the two of them. He could see the questions rise from your confused facial expression. “Everything we discuss in this room stays between us, young Jedi.” 

You nodded, inhaling and exhaling slowly in an attempt to calm yourself. “Master Windu, Master Yoda. What is this about? Have I done something wrong?” 

The two men looked at each other and shared an unreadable expression before turning back to you. Master Yoda was the first to speak. “Sending you on a mission we are. To Gyfill you will go.” 

Whatever anxieties that you held before were washed away with this information. You contain your excitement, but the sudden mood shift was still noticeable. “Who am I going with? When do we leave? What’s the mission for?” It was rare that a Jedi would be sent on a mission alone, typically you were partnered up for safety measures. Obi-Wan’s face flashed in your mind, and although it was unlikely, a small part of you hoped he would be going with you. 

“This mission only requires one Jedi. There’s a Separaist organization on the planet and we’re sending you to gain intel and report back to us. No one outside of this room can be aware of this information. You leave within the week. Understood?” 

You frowned, “Forgive me Master, but why can’t anyone know?” The idea of having to leave your home seemingly without a trace made you iffy. Obi-Wan once again appeared in your mind. 

Master Windu and Yoda exchanged a look before Windu responded almost hesitantly. “We have reason to believe someone in the Order is a traitor, and the number of people who are trustworthy is very limited.” 

“You mean someone has betrayed us?” You asked in shock. How could anyone do such a thing? And a Jedi nonetheless. 

“Time to answer your questions, there will be, young one. Prepare for your first mission now, you must.” Master Yoda said. “Prepare to say goodbye you should.” 

It was as IF he could read your mind, which he probably could. You dreaded the idea of saying goodbye, especially when it was clear that there was no guarantee of your return date. How would you explain to your friends that you won’t be around anymore? What will Obi-Wan think? 

“That is another subject that needs to be discussed.” 

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what else needs to be discussed? who’s the traitor? how will obi-wan and y/n get on after all this time? lemme know what you think!!

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