#it hurts. i don't want to hurt myself but i can't be productive like this n

[youremyonlyhope]

why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up

#i'm overthinking something that i did and was told off for doing by my director #and on my way home i was thinking when was the last time i was even talked to like that during a production #and then i remembered the costume experience from hell of only a couple months ago that i've already began blocking out #but the thing is that that person was someone i knew i'd never have to work with again #i mean at first i thought i would have to work with them more. then they announced they were moving away immediately #so i only had to deal with them face to face for another weekish after that point and anytime they yelled at me #i was like 'cool. i'll do exactly what you say to do. and nothing more.' but then of course me being me #i did some extra stuff and they initially were like 'oh that's pretty' and then days later told me to cut everything i added #and like sure i get that the show was frozen but girl. that costume was unfinished. i was trying to finish it. it was frozen but looked bad #anyway. whenever they yelled at me and had actual malice in their heart i was like whatever. i was hurt. but i didn't care as much. #but this time it's someone i've worked with many many times before and it was about a habit i have that i know isn't great #but at the same time the thing that prompted it wasn't even me doing this habit it was something else #but she interpreted it as that habit and said that i can't do that on a production she's directing #and that if i couldn't stop then i could pull out from the production and there'd be no hard feelings between us #and honestly i think her reassuring that she knows i'm valuable and that she wants me there while also telling me not to do this thing #and the fact that she's someone i like working with and will continue to work with just made it all hurt so much more #especially since she referenced another past production we've done where i didn't even realize she had noticed that i do this. #and i found myself in near tears. and still am kind of in near tears. i can't decide if i need to cry or not. #and i had NO sleep last night so i was looking forward to sleeping tonight but now i'm just overthinking EVERYTHING #and like. i know everything will be fine. if i just stop inserting myself and stick to just my specific tasks. it'll be fine. #but this is one of the ways my ocd manifests. i feel like i have to personally fix something i notice going wrong. or it'll be bad. #because every single time i choose to sit back and not be nosy when i notice something it ends up bad in a way i could have prevented #if i just inserted myself in a situation i technically wasn't part of but knew i could help or fix. so i just need to not do that. #but then i feel guilt if it does go wrong in the ways i immediately assumed it would and in a way i could prevent. #and i've been trying to work on this for like 6 months and aaaahhhh it's hard and being called out on it from her just really really hurt #i still may or may not cry. i don't know. the irony of me telling my therapist THIS MORNING that it's been a while since i last cried. #and the universe being like 'i took that as a challenge' and handing me this situation for me to spiral over. #i need to leave things alone. i need to stare straight ahead. and ignore whatever isn't specifically for me to do. but ahhh i want to help #and then of course my mom has this same habit and it annoys me when she does it yet i do it to other people and ahhhhhhhh #brain please just shut up. i need to sleep. i have to work tomorrow.

[knowlesian]

my last post and the shameless mountain goats reference i threw in there got me thinking about one of my favorite story beats, because it combines a lot of character work and thematic oomph in one: ed being a victim of his own legend and ability to protect himself by hiding in plain sight + codeswitch into the version of himself that best suits the company/situation he’s in, in many ways but often most visibly through his interactions with izzy.

my take on “is blackbeard real or fake” has always been “yes”; blackbeard is pieces of ed filtered and strained and assembled and pruned down in ways that scarred him even as they kept him safe, in ways that are very sad and often stretching the definition of safe as far as ed’s personal definition of murder. nonetheless: it got him to the place he's at, still alive. could he have done it another way? who knows! that was the way he did it, it's the way he knows will work because it did work.

or: he thinks he knows that. but the legend was never all of ed and in fact demanded he spotlight pieces of himself he doesn't like so much a lot and repress a lot of the things that make him feel good, it’s not helping/hurting anymore. it’s just dragging him down.

so ed is sick of the blackbeard schtick; and here’s the rub. if he’d been worse at the art of personal fuckery alongside the pirate type, maybe none of this is happening. the world never knows his name; or worse, once he gets spotted as a man who won't kill they mock it. 

that version of ed does not attract izzy ‘ask me about my boner for the sunk cost fallacy’ hands, or does not keep him. because izzy has built his identity around ed’s legend; who is blackbeard’s first mate, if there is no blackbeard? who the fuck even is izzy hands, if he’s not seated at the right hand of edward teach?

now. you would hope, in a better world, that izzy would be like you know, edward, the thing here is: you wanting something different involves emotional consequences for me. i would have to figure out my whole life over again and i am simultaneously con o’neill’s age and emotionally sixteen like the real world me was, so you can see that would be super complicated. i have so fucking much baggage and you are just adding to it, and i do not like that. also: this fucks up my work situation and my home life at once, it makes me feel sad and abandoned and itchy in ways i do not wish to label with words because they would be gay ones like ‘please don’t leave me, i love you and i thought it was mutual’ so like... world rocked, thoroughly and in ways that make me want to rant until past last call, in conclusion this sucks and i think it's twenty mistakes in a trenchcoat, some of them maybe life threatening! i wish you would not.

and then he would step back and let ed make his own fucking choices anyway and either do the work to figure himself out in the same space or finally grab those cds from the car and find his own place to do the same, because a shitty fact of adult life is sometimes people cannot be what we want or need. sometimes that is because they suck: sometimes, it’s just because they can’t or don't want to, and that isn't them being mean or withholding. they don't owe us more than the basic kindness and dignity we all owe to each other just because we put in our hours longing for them to do so. that’s some toxic, entitled shit. understandable! an impulse i share at times! but we should never be That Guy (gender neutral) because the friendzone doesn’t actually exist and nobody deserves to win someone else as a prize for hanging around long enough and driving them to the airport. that’s just called being friends, etc.

izzy is sadly currently stuck on being That Guy. so instead of realizing ed is an adult man and can make his own choices, even if izzy thinks they're bad ones, he fucking panics and starts swinging around and finally runs to big daddy england to make stede bonnet stooooooooop (messing with ed’s brain).

and of course he does something like that! he thinks a relationship is when you metaphorically own each other and when you can only be tender after putting your right foot in and then putting it out before once again putting it in and then proceeding to shake it all about, violent rituals unlock love style. he’s a desperate man in a hell entirely of his own making.

and so is ed, in this entirely different way but stuck in his own fucking orbit as firmly as izzy, only ed is trying to claw his way up and out to see what else he can be, while izzy would do juuuust about anything (including lick the king’s boots) to stay the same forever.

that’s some tragic shit. i love this writing team, the end.

#what if i staple no children to their heads when they're together what then #truly this is some good writing #like: i find izzy fascinating because he was written by the same team who wrote everybody else #he sucks in ways that i want to think about because they sometimes allow me to examine myself #and then sometimes let me laugh at his dumb ass or talk about serious thematic shit #he bears a lot of weight in the narrative because that's in part what a good antagonist should do #anyway yeah the sort of classic tragedy of these two is super interesting since like...clearly the show knows what's up #i maintain izzy is gonna figure his shit out and become a productive member of this pirate society tho #because okay like: in real life i know the best i can often hope for is somebody knocking a specific behavior off #and often they won't ever do that #but if they did the world would be better and they would be better and i would have another comrade #i will always settle for one less enemy if that is my only choice #but i'd rather make a new ally i can trust #and my fantasy is often that the izzys of the world in all their forms don't just knock it off #it's that they start fighting alongside me or become someone i don't mind being around because i CAN trust them now #(hey: i did say it was a fantasy) #so i kind of ask myself: what makes life better in this fictional world #an izzy who can't hurt people because he is no longer around or an izzy who has started to figure his shit out #anyway yes: this shit is sad and well-crafted

[leatherbookmark]

hopping around different blogs is fun.

a post on blog 1: i find it a little weird that -- don't get me wrong, the barbie movie looks great with all the doll-like details, i bet the actors had great fun and i'd like to see it myself, but -- people are getting excited about marketing of this movie. they're acting as though mattel's 3985* deals with 837* different companies are something new, exciting and creative instead of... 3985 deals with 837 companies spanning many different areas! this movie is a commercial for a doll! isn't this kinda weird?

*numbers made up

a post on blog 2: i don't think any sane adult doesn't realize that this is a toy commercial! it's rather obvious.

a post on blog 3: boo hoo 'the barbie movie is capitalist propaganda' i don't give a SHIT marx won't fuck you. did you do this for transformers too? do you think only stupid girls who like pink need the reminder?

like, oooooh! things are happening!

#shrimp thoughts #earlier today i got into a bit of an essay reading spree (as much as my brain allowed me lol) #and it got me thinking about like... associating oneself with products/aesthetics/companies as a way of self-creation #this is me. i love [fashion brand] you won't catch me without my k*nken and here is my room in which you can see posters of [movies] #it's very... human to get excited about things and feel it more the more others get excited because. community building #at the same time i've noticed it myself that it's so much easier to label yourself a [thing] girl than to like... Look Into Yourself #who am i? what defines me? these questions are difficult because how do i know that? with what means do i obtain this knowledge? #should i create myself as i want or should i observe myself with the eyes of others instead? ...let me just say i like plants and overalls #and i feel like when someone says something you perceive as a critique of the identity slash community you associate yourself with #it's... hurtful? but at the same time. hm. i don't know actually #like chances are these posts are talking about completely different things and not vaguing each other or even similar posts #maybe posts that blog 3 vagues really were obnoxiously condescending! who knows! that being said DESPITE being a small-brained #shrimp who would honestly love to win soooo many moneys and just do whatever i want all day instead of being an Independant and Competent #Expert In My Field (this sounds scary and stressing). i still would like to avoid falling into the 'just let me ENJOY things and don't try #to make me hate femininity because it's not working! pink and shopping can be empowering' hole. #idk!! i listen to k/pop and am part magpie. i can't quite pose myself as like anti-capitalist intellectual #but i do want to achieve at least a small brain! someday!! and boy do i hope my brain energy days don't end before the books arrive;; #2am thoughts. wonder if my mother goes to sleep earlier than at 4am today because its getting annoying

[castellla]

i like the phrase 'manic features' specifically, because features really gives a 'sick-ass touchless trashcan by simplehuman at bed bath and beyond that costs $499.99 and also cooks, cleans, and fucks your wife if you're both into that' kinda vibe.

#*bats eyes* but my features. #i'm covered in an oleophobic coating that resists fingerprints... *saucy wink* that's also a Lie you will see Every fingerprint #the feature i'm seeing so far is: i guess you can write a lot in a short amount of time huh me-chan #(side note i DON'T know if this describes me; im not a doctor and i havent been diagnosed with anything specific to my knowledge) #(but also yknow. my doctor didn't NOT mention it so.... (o v o); #this is just the joke about taylor tomlinson being flattered to find out selena gomez also had bipolar but with more words #in fact why did i specifically and unironically choose: a trash can? #*BECAUSE IM PASSIONATE ABOUT CLEANLINESS AND HUMANIST PRODUCT DESIGN BITCH WE OWE SANITATION WORKERS OUR FUCKING LIVES* #i'm comparing myself to the fucking rolls royce of trashcans (in my experience) because i love them and can't help being a leo #'this price makes me wanna gag but also wanna roll around in how smart i feel for having bought this particular model because it's so nice' #konmari please help. konmari outside of what seems to be a fucked up-ly contractory level of marketing #og konmari circa 2015 - yea use whatever kind of boxes you have on hand you don't to buy a bunch of stuff to organize #konmari circa now - (yeah yeah she did kind of 'sold out' with the container store Specifically because if you haven't been? #it is paradise for me (an organizing Dweeb) #but it's also mouth-droppingly expensive at times #they do make good products. i'm sure her line of products with them are popular #but it kinda does hurt to have HER name of all people on an $80 magazine tray? #and i'm not saying one is more correct than the other - truly i feel like she pushed for an ethos of 'do what works for you' #'and don't let other people shame you for getting what you want and need out of your home' #like. she has kids and a husband. aside from in home organizing - not sure how much of her time is split between actual client visits #time with family and time doing big BIG projects for netflix her publishers i presume etc. #and the container store deal... like i truly hope she got to be part of the creative process and was consulted about it #including the design elements and things like that #but also the price? #its def nice to have the option to buy something really pretty and im sure some people have bought it and enjoyed it #but it's really hard to swallow #because i think her method has appeal that can extend to people outside of an income bracket that lets them go 'oh fuck yeah!' #'konmari walnut hand stained wood tray?! you got it! *CLICKS BUY*' #but even though i'm painfully in her corner #i can't commonly justify things that are that expensive simply for branding's sake

[neil-gaiman]

Hey Neil,

Know you probably won't see this but really wanted to share this with someone

I'm a film student and want to go into the industry but there's one lecturer who just constantly puts me down and makes me question if I'm good enough, passionate enough or even active enough to the point it makes me question why I'm on the course and reminds me why I didn't sign up to her specific part of the course

I love the film industry, I love the production process and interested in roles like production manager, production assistant and even assistant director but this one lecturer seems to know exactly how to put me down and make me feel I'm no good and will never get into the industry at all... there was an opportunity to do a training scheme and I had booked a meeting with her about about it and she cancelled the meeting which made me miss the deadline and now can't apply for it until 2025

I want to go into the film industry because I do have a passion and drive for it but in a single 30 minute session she's managed to make me feel like I have no value to the industry and I just don't know what to do with myself because of it and it hurts because I don't want people like her to have this effect on me..

I just feel so lost at the moment..

Hope you're having a good day and remember to stay hydrated 💪

There are poisonous people out there. If you can, avoid them. If you can't, minimise their involvement in your life. Treat them like vampires and don't let them in. Go around them if you possibly can.

You'll have a great career in film.

[russellsppttemplates]

hey! this is my first time requesting something so i’m not too sure what to ask for !

would love to see some oscar fluff tho 🥹🥹

Note: I'm happy you sent in a request, feel free to always share your ideas! 🫶 also, this was totally not written from personal experience 🙄

Tw: reader accidentally gets hurt

Dating an athlete meant that your holidays would often include adventurous plans like hikes and trails. For this afternoon, Oscar wanted to check out a hike near the beach where you could walk along the coastline.

"You don't have to go if you don't want, love", Oscar assured you as you put on your sports bra, "I want to, it's supposed to be very beautiful and it's a nice change of scenery from the pool", you smiled, getting your trainers, "these should be okay, right? I only have sandals and flip-flops and those are definitely not appropriate footwear", you reasoned, "yes, I don't think it will be slippery, more dusty I think", your boyfriend offered, grabbing his own trainers so he too could lace them and you could get going.

It started quite easily, the steps carved into the rocks from erosion clear and well limited, making you follow Oscar quite easy, "wow, look how blue the sea is!", he gasped as you reached a balcony like area looking out the coast line, waves hitting the rocks and turning into white foam.

"It says here the water line can go up and cover all of those rocks completely", you read on the wooden and metal informative plaque, pointing with your fingers, "Osc!", you squealed when you noticed he was taking a photo of you, "at least warn me first so I can sort myself out!".

"You look beautiful, love", he smiled, shoving his phone back in his pocket and circling his arms around your waist.

"I am sweaty and shiny from the suncream and my hair is all tangled from the wind", you pouted as you tamed down the little hairs that never seemed to lay flat unless they had a lot of product on them.

"You look lovely, believe me", he stole a quick kiss, "let's continue?", he urged, pulling you with him.

The trail started to shrink as the flat ground approached the line where the rock stopped and a couple of feet wrong and you'd be down in the rocky wall in no time, "can you hold my hand, please?", you murmured to Oscar, stretching your hand out while the other one was already grasping the safety steel railing chord, "here, I won't let go, I promise", your boyfriend assured as he laced your hand in his.

"We climbed all of this, so now we have to go down, be careful, okay?", he warned after you had taken a rest break to admire the view.

"It's fine, I'll be careful", you added, getting up and following him down. You didn't see one of the steps, so you went right over it, not measuring the distance properly and falling on your butt.

At the yelp you let out, Oscar was quick to turn around and help you, "are you okay, Y/N?", he asked, checking over any injuries, noticing a little cut on your thigh and a graze on your elbow.

"Just bumps and scratches - and a sore butt", you pouted, accepting his hand to be pulled up to a standing position, "can you walk all the way back or fo you want me to carry you?", he wondered, "I'm fine to walk", you smiled, kissing his cheek and carrying on.

As soon as you arrived back at the hotel, Oscar stopped by the reception to ask for a first aid kit, taking it with you to the room so he could help.

"I'm sorry it stings, love", he pouted, kissing your thigh to distract you as he made sure the wound was clean and disinfected, "but it's looking good", he kissed your thigh one last time before moving up to your arm, seeing you had already cleaned it, "I can't put the protective band-aid", you explained, having him help you with it too.

"We can stay here for a bit before you go to lunch, how does that sound?", he suggested as he pulled you to cuddle him, "that sounds good", you kissed his lips before making yourself comfy, "my clumsy girl", he kissed the top of your head.

(Thank you for sending this in ✨️)

#oscar piastri blurb #inês writes blurbs #f1 blurb #f1 x reader

[queen-mihai]

We only need a few rich people

And we need zero billionaires

The "need" in society to have rich people running around is mostly for entertainment value.

Let's say someone who earns $20 million a year due to some really popular product she invented and maybe some smart investments.

This person will never be a billionaire

BUT she will be a fun person to have around on some dumb TV show

"Oh yeah I bought myself a second yacht this year 😅. They're kind of a guilty pleasure of mine so I thought I'd splurge"

She's not rich enough to get around paying her taxes, which means she's probably giving 10-15 million a year or more straight to the government as taxes.

Now, she's paying the people who build the yacht, keeping them in business. They hire tradespeople and artists to make her ship nice, and those people go on to further stimulate the economy by spending the paychecks they earned building her yacht

She buys houses, clothes, cars, puts her kids through expensive classes, and sets aside a little nest egg so she can retire in comfort and her kids can go to school

That's not so bad. She's probably on TV shows talking about how fun it is being rich and everything. Maybe she gives some money to charity and people kinda wanna be like her.

You know what we don't need?

Someone rich enough to, instead of buying a car, buys the entire car manufacturer

We don't need someone who has enough money to stop paying their taxes and then pretend they still do.

We don't need someone who can spend a million dollars in a day and have it replaced that same day.

Spending money SHOULD hurt. Or make you feel SOMETHING.

If you're collecting money so goddamn fast that you literally can't spend it fast enough to ever see your bank account go down, we don't fucking need you.

If you're collecting that much money, your bank account should just be a wide open door where people can rob you all they want because you won't even notice anyway.

Are you a billionaire reading this? Give me ten million dollars and I'll think about shutting up. I won't, but I'll think about it.

You're gonna have to give ten million to every other person reading this though cuz they're probably not gonna shut up either.

You know what? Actually it'd probably just be easier to PAY YOUR DAMN TAXES. That would get a lot of us to shut up.

Try it. You might like it

#no more billionaires #zero billionaires

[i984]

Mattress Laid, No Questions Asked

|Pairing|: Wednesday Addams x gender neutral reader

|Warnings|: Ooc! Wednesday Addams, Hurt/Comfort, Wednesday also has shower thoughts, Wednesday panics romantically throughout the fic, two idiots so deeply into each other they just can't tell, there's only one bed trope but not really.

|Summary|: Wednesday needs a little caring after the final battle with Joseph Crackstone.

|A/n|: My hunched back says the 12 hours is not worth the end product.

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

"Sit down."

"I don't want to."

You look over her messy braids and the monochrome school uniform, now stained red. Her fingers are slightly jittering, though you're not sure if the Addams girl realizes it. The night has finally taken a toll on her.

"Please?" You give her your best assuring smile, sitting on the stool next to your bed, patting the comfy duvet.

Wednesday clenches her jaw.

She took a step forward.

You nod at her before reaching under your bedside table. It's a good thing Enid urged you to keep a medicine kit in the room. You make a mental note to thank the werewolf next time.

Standing up from your seat, you walk to the dorm's bathroom to get some warm water. "I'll be back in a minute," you half-shouted, hoping the girl hasn't already left your room.

Wednesday is already rigidly seated when you come back. Walking across the room, you carefully put the water-filled bucket beside your stool, clean cloth in your other hand. You inspect her face. It seems that the blood has stopped dripping. The dried-up red would need a little cleaning, though.

"I'm gonna tend the wound on your face first. Is that okay?"

"I can do it myself."

"I know," you swiftly put on your gloves, grabbing a gauze pad and dipping it in saline solution, "but let me do this for you."

"The wound has closed," Wednesday notices the slight raise of your eyebrow. "Don't ask me how."

"Fine. I won't," you put back the gauze pad and the bottle of saline solution on a tray. Grabbing the abandoned cloth, you dip it into the bucket beside you, wringing the excess water. "But at least let me clean it."

Wednesday gives you a dissatisfied look. Her hand reluctantly comes up to lift her bangs off her face. You offer her a small smile as a thank you.

Standing in front of the ravenette, you bend slightly, hands gently dabbing the skin with care. There wasn't a wound, just like what Wednesday said. Only crusts of blood indicate where the injury was previously nestled.

You breathe shallowly, as little as possible. With Wednesday's face so close to yours, her stare that flickers to your lips doesn't go unnoticed. You train your gaze to her cheeks, forehead, and chin, anywhere but her sunken eyes. The dirty spot on her skin has transferred to the almost-dry cloth, and you pull away carefully.

The clean water now has the slightest tinge of crimson as you dip the towel into the bucket once again. Wednesday furrows her brow as you give her a once-over. Suddenly, she becomes hyper-aware of the uniform that sticks obnoxiously to her skin and the tie that chokes her neck snugly.

"I got it," your hands come up to loosen the fabric delicately, pulling the neckwear off the raven. "You should probably change. I'll help you."

Wednesday's face remains stoic, and when you see no sign of opposition, you remove the blazer off her shoulder, pulling the sleeves slowly to avoid injuring her. Inspecting the torn shirt covered in blood, you run your fingers along the fabric, touching the smooth stained skin.

Wednesday gulps in your wake, but when she feels your breath fanning what little bit of flesh she has exposed, her breathing hitched; an almost gasp escapes her lips.

You stop your movement.

"Shit— Did I hurt you?" you scan over Wednesday's face, expecting a wince of some sort. Instead, you found a frown that had deepened, and her eyes focused on the ground. She looks almost embarrassed.

"I'm sorry, I'll grab you some clean clothes," you quickly get your hand off her shoulder and walk to your wardrobe. Wednesday's eyes feel heavy on your back, examining your move. You ignore the pounding on your chest and rummage the space until you find your old black t-shirt and sweatpants.

"Will these do?" You stride over to her, raising the clothes over your body.

"They would have to."

You hand her the garments before lifting the bucket, leading her towards the bathroom. "You can change inside. There are some clean towels if you wanna take a shower. There should still be warm water, so take your time."

Wednesday steps inside the bathroom, and her hand hovers above the doorknob. She's hesitating.

"I'll be here," you assure softly.

There's a slight nod, and the sight of her is soon replaced with the wooden door.

You let out a breath you didn't know you were holding.

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

Warm water hits her back, and Wednesday feels the tension in her muscle loosen. Scarlet drips to the floor, and the water turns a few shades darker. The sight of blood wasn't unfamiliar, even if it was hers. But tonight, Wednesday scrubbed the dried liquid off her skin hurriedly, touching the spot where her gut had been stabbed, then magically healed. The ravenette lets her mind wanders over the events that have led her to this moment.

Enid had retired to bed before her; loud snores were evidence of her fatigue. Taking on a Hyde with her wolf form, especially when it's only her first time, must've exhausted the blonde.

Wednesday was exhausted herself. But she couldn't fall asleep.

Her bed creaked as she tossed and turned, huffing loudly as the image of Joseph Crackstone flashed through her brain. His wicked voice and disgusting breath, as well as his crooked descendant—the poor excuse of a teacher—boiled Wednesday's blood.

Then there was Tyler. The boy she had trusted and felt enough for. Yet he dared betray her trust, lied to her, turned against her, and attacked her best friend. Wednesday wonders if she can trust anybody close to her anymore.

At least the whole school was saved. And you.

Wednesday runs her fingers through her hair, smoothing the waves her braids had created. The water is colder now, and she lets it wash over her face and freeze her scalp. The sensation calms her, and she lets her hand trail to her shoulder. The wound wasn't there. It seemed that all her injuries from the night had disappeared.

Her hand stays there, eyes closing to remember your touch. Wednesday feels her heart slowly picking up pace, and it dawns on her with a realization. She's alive. You're alive. And she can't deny her heart swells disgustingly with gladness and relief.

Because you're alive, you caught her restless feet wandering through empty corridors. It was an activity the two of you shared. She had found you walking around the school grounds aimlessly on her way to the nightshade library. Wednesday would stalk you every night after that—only to find you repeatedly standing in the middle of the quad—before resuming her investigation.

She never thought you had realized her presence; until tonight.

Wednesday heard you call out her name softly, and she stepped aside from the pillar that hid her figure. Your eyes were tender as you walked over to her with an unreadable look before locking your arms around her and squeezing her body tightly.

Wednesday didn't pull back or bury her head in the crook of your neck. Instead, she stood there, frozen, almost scared of breaking the moment. She thanked the stars that there was nobody around. There was only silence, and it was comforting and engulfing.

When you stepped back and led her to your room, she followed.

Wednesday wonders why it was so easy for her to trust someone, to trust you, especially after such a night.

The answer stares back at her, a distorted image reflected on the clear water flooding your bathroom floor.

Her hand reaches the tap and turns the water off.

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

You had settled into your pajama. It's much more comfortable than the uniform, after all. Inspecting the mattress on the floor beside your bed, you hum in satisfaction. That should do for the night.

Sitting down, you stare at your bathroom door. The sound of running water had ceased minutes ago, yet Wednesday hadn't come out yet. She's making you worry, and it takes everything in you not to burst through the door and make sure she's okay.

That's until you hear her call your name.

You rush to the door, stopping in front of it before clearing your throat. "Everything good? Do you need anything?"

Wednesday doesn't answer.

Instead, you hear a thud, as if someone has just dropped their entire weight on the floor. Your hands come to turn and push the doorknob frantically, panic setting in as the wood refuses to move. "Wednesday, what happened—"

"Stop."

You halt your movement.

The ravenette must be sitting against the door. That's why you can't get it opened. You mentally cursed at yourself for not figuring that out sooner. You exhaled in relief before sitting against your side of the door.

"You good there?"

There's silence again, and you willed yourself to calm down. The faint smell of your soap tickles your nose, and you wonder if the scent is not to Wednesday's liking. Maybe that's why she called.

"Sorry for the strawberry soap," you let your head fall back, "Yoko gifted me that for my birthday last year, and I'm only using it now."

"That isn't a problem," Wednesday croaks.

"Then what is?"

Moments of quietness are exchanged. You feel your body tensing with each passing second, your heart hammering mercilessly against your ribs. There's no reason as to why your head seems to cloud at the absence of her words; it almost feels entirely stupid. But you stay silent, patiently waiting for her answer.

"Will you—" Wednesday's voice cracks, words faltering in a way you've never heard her before. "Will you stay for me?"

You can practically picture the impossible sight of her quivering lips and her furrowed brows, a single tear rolling down her cheek. She sounds afraid—as if she fears you telling her no.

"I'll stay with you, Wednesday," you rise to your feet urgently, hands coming to brush the wood. "For you, always."

The girl finally comes into your sight, the door opening fully. Wednesday chews her lower lips, eyes welling with tears. She rips her gaze from yours to the floor, nose sniffling as she chokes the sob threatening to escape her throat.

You pull her into a tight embrace, snaking your hands around her petite body; your breath is taken not from the squeeze but from the realization that Wednesday's arms are finally around yours, holding you so desperately, not giving you a chance to pull away.

You rub circles to her lower back, your other hand stroking her hair softly. You hope your body can take her stress and pain away; to make her feel safe and taken care of. You hope she understands how your throbbing heart is telling her you love her.

Wednesday's presence is all-encompassing, and you let her melt into you for as long as the moment allows it. When her dark brown eyes finally meet yours, there's an unspoken gratitude, a softness to her stare you wish to capture forever.

Her red, puffy eyelids seem to tug at your heartstrings, and you feel like saying something stupid only to clear the heavy air. "What do you think of my pajamas?"

Wednesday momentarily looks at you up and down, a grim look growing on her face.

"It's pink."

"Yes, your favorite color, right?"

"I'd die before letting myself transform into that state of mind."

You snort. "That didn't answer my question, genius."

"It's horrendous," Wednesday crosses her arms.

"You don't look so bad yourself," you grin at the sight of the Addams girl in your clothing before walking towards the mattress, the ravenette following you closely behind. "You can sleep on the bed. I want you to be as comfortable as possible."

Wednesday eyes you closely as you lay down, your hands fumbling with the blanket before settling in your position. She looks over to your bed. It does look comfy, though quite wide; she can't believe it's for one person. Suddenly the white bedding seems quite lonely.

"Do you feel like sleeping at all?"

Wednesday huffs as she grabs a pillow on your bed and steps to the edge of your mattress before carefully laying herself on the empty spot beside you. She can practically feel your teasing grin even with her back turned against you, her mind urging her to get up and walk out of your room to save herself from more embarrassment.

Instead, she feels the fabric of your duvet covering her, and Wednesday stills in place.

"Don't hog the blanket, okay? It'll get colder, and I'd prefer we both make it out tonight without freezing to death."

Wednesday turns to you before grabbing your hand and pulling it with her as she crosses her arm over her body—her signature corpse-like sleeping position.

"Now we both will freeze slower."

"Yeah, but I'm gonna get whiplash before it gets to that."

You turn your body to Wednesday, and you can see her face adopting a tranquil look; eyes closed with her hair splayed across the pillow like an angel. She smells like strawberries, and you can't fight the dopey smile tugging the edge of your lips.

It dawns on you that you had assumed she'd spend the night with you. And fortunately, she is doing just that.

Your heart clenches deliciously.

"Goodnight, Wens," you lace your fingers with hers, eyes closing as sleep overcomes you.

"May you have terrible dreams," Wednesday squeezes your hand, "because you forgot to turn off the lights."

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

A/n2: I love how I can just blame reader for all the plot holes I overlooked. To the anon that requested this weeks ago, I hope you enjoy!

Check pinned post for tag list.

#wednesday addams x reader #wednesday addams x you #wednesday addams imagine #wednesday addams #wednesday x reader #jenna ortega x reader

[getyourdirtyhandsoffme]

Hi :) If you don't mind, could you do a SKZ Han fic about Han finding out male reader is transgender (ftm). Ofc I understand if you can't, but I really appreciate it!

‎ AUTHOR: I'm so happy, this is my first request and of course I don't mind making transgender stories, as I am a TransMan myself, I would love to do this! Thank you for requesting and I hope this story is in your expectations along with joy!

"MISUNDERSTANDING."

GENDER: FTM READER

SCENARIO: Idol Han + College Student Reader

GENRE(S): Comedy, fluff, A bit angst, Hurt/Comfort, Happy Ending

DYSPHORIA WARNING(S): Dead name mentioned a few times, dysphoria, feminine words/terms, and Mention the word "Pretty girl"

OTHER WARNING(S): Misunderstanding, mentions of 'Cheating' (in a more misunderstanding), Reader going throughout a breakdown and anxiety along with Jisung, mentions of crying, argument. Mentions of the words like "Cut" but not in $ucidal way. Scissors. Shouting and swearing.

Please like, comment or/and reblog! Thank you!

(I didn't really proof read or ask grammarly to fix my grammar so we just have to hope for the best!)

You hate it.

You hate the way you look.

You stared at yourself in the mirror, grabbing a fist of your long hair, you hated how it made you look too feminine.

You wanted to cut it but you fear how he would react to it.

You let go of your hair as you just tied into a bun, making it at least look like you have short hair.

You didn't want to keep it a secret to him, you loved him. He always made you laugh and always supported your careers. You even know he supported the community however, you knew he was straight.

So, you stay hidden as a 'woman' for 9 months just for him.

You were scared to lose him.

You were so lost in thought you almost didn't hear the name calling and knocking from the bathroom door.

"(Dead name)! Are you alright? You are taking so long, the popcorn is about to get cold."

(Dead name). You don't go by that name anymore, you never wanted to have that name in the first place.

Your eyes stared at the bathroom door, sighing as you walked to the door, unlocking it. You were face to face with your boyfriend, Jisung.

"Hey, baby." You responded kinda dry, trying your best to smile at him.

He looked at you, up and down, worried.

"Are you alright?"

All you can do is nod as you walk to the living room, sitting yourself down on the couch—ignoring the stares from your boyfriend.

Lost in thought, ignoring the feeling of your boyfriend next to you.

Ignoring the movie playing, it's all static to you.

Ignoring the popcorn that was placed next to you.

You ignored everything but your own thoughts.

You hated it.

These days, you have been secretly buying more men's products, hiding them underneath the clothes in your cabinet.

You brought cologne, men's clothing, boxers, shoes, everything that could help you to become what you always wanted to be.

It felt horrible keeping this a secret, hiding it from him but you were scared.

So scared.

You even secretly brought a binder as well but only wear it when you are going out by yourself or your friends who knew about you are a TransMan.

All of this fear is going on, you didn't notice how your relationship with Jisung was slacking off.

Almost like you became quite distant with him.

Lack of trust, more of fear and dysphoria.

Of course, you two still hang out from time to time, well, when he is free. Even trying to text and call more since he is a kpop idol but it felt less and dry.

Jisung was scared as well, but in the fear of losing you.

He didn't know what he did wrong as he tries his best to think of what mistakes he has made.

He kept on overthinking to the point it triggered his anxiety a few times, he had fears of you cheating on him.

He didn't want to think that but those thoughts kept on filling his brain that you were with someone else this whole time. Maybe someone better than him.

He couldn't shake this feeling off as he quickly left the studio and walked to the apartment.

Every step he takes, he fears he might see you lay next to a different man or anybody. Fears of you kissing that person along with talking bad about him behind his back.

He almost felt himself starting to cry as he walked to the apartment.

When he makes it, he walks upstairs to the second floor, going to the room number of his lover while grabbing the keys that you gave him when you both thought about sharing apartments together in their 4 months dating together.

He stands in front of the door, debating if he should barge in or knock to let them know that he is here.

His hands were shaking yet he chose to just barge in.

He quickly unlocks the front door of their shared apartment, quickly shutting behind him as he looks around.

Nothing seems suspicious besides a few photos of you and him together gone from the walls.

He frowned from that as he thinks more of the relationship between the two of you. It was either breaking up or cheating.

He shakes his head as he walks to your, or their bedroom.

He opens it to find a messy room.

A few frames that used to be framed in the living room walls, empty along with the photos of both of you together piled on top of each other on the floor.

He even noticed a few pieces of clothing that almost looked like it came out of the men's section along with shoes.

He walks around some more, looking around for any more suspicion until he finally faces the cabinets that he didn't open yet.

He opens the cabinets and looks carefully, grabbing out clothes like boxers, cologne that wasn't clearly his and a few more men's clothing. Maybe even more.

He grips the boxers.

He wanted to cry so hard but all he could think was you.

You are cheating...(?)

You walked inside the apartment, locking the door behind you.

You just got home from the library, studying for an upcoming exam happening next week.

You sighed, all you wanted to do was take a quick shower and sleep, which is exactly what you were about to do.

You change your shoes into your slippers as you speed walk to your bedroom until you stop.

You noticed your bedroom door slightly open.

You stood there, contemplating if you should run out and grab a weapon or gaslight yourself by thinking that you somehow forgot to close your door fully.

You thought the best idea was to grab a weapon, so as you turned around to do so, you heard crying.

Jisung?

You quickly opened the door, face to face with Jisung gripping your boxers, shaking.

You were shocked, feeling yourself shaken with fear.

"Wh-what are you doing here, Jiji?"

You questioned him as you slowly walked up to him, about to give him a hug until he pushed you away softly.

"Don't touch me. I knew it all along..."

What? He knew?

"What? What do you mean?" You eyes wide as you step away from him, almost like you wanted to run away from this situation.

"The photo frames, how distant you were, and now these." Jisung throws the boxers to the ground and then points at your cabinet. "I should've known! Fuck you! Why?" He shouted at you, glaring at you.

"You went through my stuff!?" You shouted back, feeling more taken back.

"Of course I did! I was worried! You felt so distant that I had a feeling you were hiding something from me and I was correct, you were hiding that something!"

You started to cry, you didn't want him to find out. Not like this.

"Please, Jisung, let's talk about this. I didn't know you were going to react like that..."

"What? You didn't know I was going to react like this? Everyone would react like this in this situation! What happened to us? What did I do wrong?" He shouts as he paces back and forward while continuing on with his words.

"I treated you kindly, I gave you love and this is what you do? You were supposed to be my girlfriend, (Dead name)! What the fuck is wrong with you!"

You shook your head as you continued on crying, even Jisung tears kept falling but his anger was rising higher from you weeping.

"Jisung, please! I can still be your girlfriend, I'm sorry! It will be over soon I promise, just give me time..."

"Soon? Soon. Are you serious? How the hell are you supposed to be my fuckin girlfriend when you can't get over that person, you damn cheater!"

Just by that, you stopped crying as you quickly looked at him, confused.

"Huh?" That's all you can say as you wipe your tears from your face.

"Don't 'Huh' me, you're literally cheating on me with someone else!"

So, this is all a misunderstanding.

You thought he knew he was trans but he actually thought you were cheating. Now you have to come out to him either way to make him stop thinking that you are cheating on him when you are actually not.

"No, I'm not. You got it all wrong..."

"Huh? But what about this!" He points to the boxers.

"Those are..." You bite your lip as you try to calm your anxiety down. You didn't want to lose him over a misunderstanding. You didn't really think you were going to be in this situation in the first place.

"Those..are mine."

Jisung stops placing around as he stares at you, his eyes bloodshot red from crying hard.

"Huh?"

"Jisung, this is not how I wanted you to find out but I didn't think you thought it THAT way. I would never cheat on you. You are literally the best boyfriend I ever have..."

You step closer to him, your eyes getting filled with more tears.

"But, you are correct about me hiding something from you and being distant. I was being a bit selfish and selfless as well. I was scared so I wanted to protect myself by distancing myself from you but even protecting our relationship from pretending to be something I'm not..."

Jisung stays quiet as he continues listening.

"I'm not...I'm not your girlfriend anymore."

"So, you are breaking up with me?"

You shook your head quickly.

"NO! Maybe I shouldn't worded it like that. I mean as in..." You sighed as you grip your arms.

"I'm not a girl, Jisung. I'm transman. I've actually been for a while until I met you. You thought I was a pretty girl and wanted to date me so I pretended to be a girl just for you. You treated me with so much care that I ignored my dysphoria, I ignored everything for you but I can't. It hurts so much to be something that I'm not..."

Jisung stood there now in shock, as he started to feel bad along with the times he called you feminine terms.

"How come you never told me this earlier...?"

You shrugged, looking down while chuckling a bit.

"I mean, how am I supposed to react to a cute guy going up to me and all of sudden calling me pretty and asking me out on a date?" You joked a bit but Jisung didn't really find it funny as he continues on feeling bad.

"You were afraid I wouldn't accept you for who you are?"

You nodded.

"Do you not trust me when I say that I love you no matter what every time I see you?"

Those words broke you. Of course you trusted him but at the same time you weren't sure.

"But, aren't you straight?"

"Not anymore..." Jisung grabs your hands. "Do I have to say it again so my own boyfriend can trust me more? I love you no matter what. I love you so much. I really do wish you told me this way earlier, all these times I hurt you and triggered your dysphoria..."

You smiled as you looked up at him who was smiling back at you.

"Boyfriend...?" You slowly said, feeling yourself smiling even wider.

"Yes, my cute boyfriend! I'm so sorry! I can't believe we almost broke up—well I almost broke up with you! Please don't do that again, my anxiety was rising too high!"

You nodded as he gave you a bunch of kisses onto your face.

"Please trust me, I love you too much to leave you."

"Of course, I'm sorry for not telling you this way earlier. I'll become more and more trustful with you and not keep anymore secrets, I'm so sorry! I love you so much!"

You both smile, holding into each other's embrace.

"Oh yeah, Jiji, since you are here. Help me clean."

Jisung groans jokingly but nods anyways as you both clean your mess.

A few months later...

"So, are you sure you want a hair cut?"

You nodded several times.

"Yes, I promise you I won't regret it like the last time." You laughed as you looked at yourself in the mirror.

"Yeah, because last time when you asked for short hair, the hair stylist accidentally, somehow, gave you a pixie cut. There isn't anything wrong with any pixie cuts but really?" Jisung commented as he wraps the towel in front of your upper body.

"Well, that's why we are doing it in our bathroom. Free and you can do my hair correctly."

"I'm an idol not a hair salonist—you might just go bald at this point."

You rolled your eyes, laughing.

"If you do make me bald, I won't hesitate to sue you."

"Yeah yeah, let me give you a nice short hair cut. You want a fade too?" He questions, grabbing a pair of scissors and a ruler (?).

"Do you even know how to do a fade...?"

"You want to find out?"

"Hell no, just give me this hair cut, good sir." You showed a picture to him.

"Of course, my prince! Anything for you! I'll make you look fabulous with this hairstyle~"

"I hope..." You side eyes him.

"Just trust me."

You rolled your eyes but nodded anyways.

You felt happy.

You didn't ignore anything around you.

You felt loved for the way you are.

"Fuck, I think I messed up, (Preferred Name)!"

"WHAT?!"

I hope this was perfect enough for you, I tried to make it more uhh whatever I was thinking about! Hope you enjoy!

Ngl, it felt like I didn't know wtf I was typing even though I planned it out a bit.

#ftm reader #male reader #x ftm reader #x male reader #stray kids scenarios #skz scenarios #skz imagines #straykids x reader #straykids x male reader #stray kids x reader #stray kids x male reader #han jisung skz #han jisung x male reader #han jisung fanfic #han jisung x reader #gay #straykids reactions #straykids fanfic #kpop x male reader #kpop x reader #MR.OFFSTORY

[hillbillyoracle]

How to Create Downtime Menus

As a lot of my posts are, this one was inspired by a conversation with my partner. She seemed to think some of my ideas were helpful so I thought I'd write them up and share them here.

I use a combination of these ideas to do two things - redirect myself when I get stuck doomscrolling/freezing/obsessing and redirect myself when I'm stuck on the "must be good, must be productive" hamster wheel and can't seem to stop doing chores until I'm fucking exhausted or have pushed/hurt myself. Knowing you need to stop is one thing - knowing what to do instead is another.

Not all of these will work for every person at every time. Pick one or two that seem interesting and give them a whirl.

Habit of the Month

This is a small habit I can do in about 5-10 minutes a day. These are sometimes habits that I want to audition for my lineup or just want to focus on as a way of rebooting a given area of my life. Physical habits have been things like stretching, a walk, putting on moisturizer, drinking water, making tea, etc. Emotional habits have been things like stream of consciousness journaling, bullet journaling, recording myself venting, etc. Spiritual habits have been things like meditating, altar work, reading sutras, tarot readings, etc.

If I'm stuck in a loop and I haven't done that task yet, it serves as an easy win that feels moderately meaningful to accomplish. This is easier to do than longer or less interesting tasks.

Side Quests

These are little challenges I'd like to accomplish that are 100% fun and completely optional. They are specific and can me completed within a given time frame - usually a month. They usually aren't the most meaningful to keep them more fun and so I'm not letting myself down if I don't opt to complete it.

They've been things like:

The Minor Expert Challenge - read three books in one subject

The Kanopy Critic Challenge - use up all of my Kanopy credits that month

The Regal Freegal Challenge - download all the albums/songs I can on Freegal that month

The Monthly Playlist Challenge - create a playlist of the month where each song represents something about each day of that month; like a playlist diary

The Reverse Tarot Draw Challenge - pick/list a tarot card you best think represents each day of a given month or other time period; like a tarot card diary

The 100 Words Challenge - learn 100 words in a foreign language

As you can see, I prefer things that are pretty low energy friendly so I can work on them on days I'm super tired. Just little chronic illness things.

Alphabet Lists

I use these for my cleaning routines actually but I also have been trying them with my downtime. The way it works is you list out the alphabet and choose one self care or hobby task you'd like to do for each. They don't have to start with the same letter, it just serves as an easy way to limit how many you pick and keep track of what you've done. It's satisfying to cross off the whole list.

Tasks I put on these are things like

A - paint my nails

B - crochet a charity hat

C - write 5 letters for Letters Against Isolation

D - send a letter to a friend

E - play a solo rpg

F - play a solo board game

G - complete a puzzle

etc

They're fun tasks I'm not currently doing as often as I'd like but chill enough that it doesn't matter when precisely I do them more often. I try to pick tasks that are roughly 30 minutes to an hour long though some definitely take longer. I like to complete these roughly monthly but I try to complete a whole list before I start it again. Anything I just did not feel like doing and kept skipping gets scratched out and I rewrite a new list with new item to replace those. And I start again.

Whenever I'm like ugh I don't know what to do with myself, I try to pick at least one thing on the list and give it a try for 5 minutes. If I don't like it after that I can just put it away and pick something else.

10x10

10x10 lists are a different take on a similar idea. It's a list of 10 things you'd like to do at least 10 times in a given time period. Mine tend to be on the seasonal or annual timescale but maybe you're intense and prefer a monthly one. If I don't complete them in a given time period, I just continue with it until I'm done. Better to complete it on an altered timeline than not at all.

For me these tend to be slightly bigger tasks that take a little more planning or energy. I'm not totally sure why I use them this way since you could definitely use them for smaller tasks but that's just the space they occupy for me.

So examples of what would be on my list would be things like:

Grab a hot chocolate from the coffee shop (x10)

Complete a PokemonGo event (x10)

Have a spa night and watch a movie (x10)

Do something extra nice for my partner (x10)

Try a new game (x10)

Find a geocache (x10)

etc

Filing up a little 10x10 grid is pretty satisfying. Much more so than anxietying myself into my bed for the equivalent amount of time.

Seasonal Bucket Lists

I really enjoy making these though I really struggle with the current season (Spring) given my allergies. There's this idea my partner has told me about in DBT where you try to recall positive moments to help "build a life worth living". I think seasonal bucket lists are really good at helping with this for me. I look back on the seasons I made these lists way more fondly than the ones I didn't.

They generally center on seasonal activities I don't want to miss out on. So for summer that's stuff like going for a night swim/skinny dip, getting 5-10 good cloud photos, playing a yard game (like cornhole), seeing a street concert, etc. I also try to take pictures of those (if they don't already involve them) so I can reflect on them later and enjoy the residual happiness.

Conclusion

The point of these isn't to overwhelm you with options. It's just to have enough ideas prepped that you can find something no matter your energy level or time you're working with.

Remember - rest and enjoying yourself is necessary for human health. Folks how get good rest and experience flow states more regularly tend to heal better. People who spend time on what they enjoy are often more enjoyable to be around.

It's never a waste of time to make yourself happy.

#life advice #adhd #love a good list

[rayshippouuchiha]

Hey just wanted to say i love your bitch and stich au, it's been a huge comfort to me as I've found myself physically disabled and falling into grandmacore out of both convince and mischief. So here's some head cannons based off of shit I do now

- the infinite granny bag™ is hand made and decorated, it's got so many pockets and delicate embroidery covering it. There's a all might charm he made hanging next to hand sanitizer on one side and an umbrella on the other. The secret to having anything you need in there is pockets and mini versions of everything, there's at minimum a sewing kit, a first aid kit (complete with emergency meds and instant ice packs/heat packs), a mini stationary set and craft kit in there.

-the glasses chain for his present mic glasses are hand made and he switches them out depending on the day

- compression gloves. And even that doesn't do everything, if he pushes himself to hard he has to stop crafting for a day cuz his hands hurt and are shaking uncontrollably

- knitting and crochet are great fidgets and if your making something simple you don't really have to pay a lot of attention to it, a great way to feel less shitty about letting yourself fidget by doing something productive. I'd imagine he crochets and/or knits under the desk in class and it helps him pay attention, he only has to glance at it every couple minutes to make sure it's turning out alright

- anything is a weapon if your creative enough, he never needed a quirk to be a hero but that doesn't mean he doesn't appreciate having it, the less people know what to expect from him the better

- has a vast knowledge of a lot of academics but brain fog is a bitch so he can't ever quite entirely put it into words in a way that makes sense, tries to help encourage people towards finding the right answer on their own instead of straight up telling people the answer for that reason

- has health tips and tricks from the granny gang and recovery girl, by the end of their first year everyone can handle the drawbacks from their quirks better than they ever could before

- loves to sing old love songs when he thinks no one is listening (shoto overhears once and by the next day he's prepared to join in on whichever song he hears izuku sing next) but will quietly sing them to eri when she asks

That's it for now, hope you have a wonderful day :)

First off I'm so glad you like the AU so much!!

Second yESSSSSSSss all of this is now basically canon because it's the exact right vibe I'm going for here

#RayRambles #Bitch & Stitch AU #BnHA #MHA

[bteezxyewriter12]

The One that Got Away

Pairing- Wooyoung x Named Reader

Word count- 7.7k

Includes- Angst, fluff, fingering, oral, pussy eating, cum eating, missionary, sex from behind, squirting, multiple orgasms, fluff

Tag List- @mingtina @jaxminnie @yeosayang @delightfulmoonbanana @tannie13 @y00nzin0 @marsstarxhwa

@yeosxxx @seokwoosmole @jjongsbebe @wisejudgedragonhairdo @meowmeowminnie @woo-stars @borntowalkaway @usagionthered @san-realblkwife @seonghwasstar @jejeyeppeo @soulseobi05 @kpop-bambi @prayerofthehaim @realisticnotes @pinkies-things @insomniacatiny @stephy-nicole13

Masterlists- check out for more fics

📝Masterlists 📝ATEEZ Masterlist 📝Wooyoung Masterlist

J POV

Parking my car, I get out, my heart pounding in my chest

I decided I'm going to tell him today

After the photo shoot

Tell my best friend that I love him and want to be with him

Oh my god, I feel like I'm gonna puke

I breathe in trying to relax

My coworker and close friend Binna, one of ATEEZ's makeup artists, knows about my feelings for him

How I've loved him since we were teenagers and have always been too terrified to say anything

She talked with me about it a few times over the last few months, gave me advice

She told me to just suck it up and tell him or I'll regret it

I thought about it last night and I decided today is the day

The worst he can say is he doesn't feel the same

Which is world ending but she's right, I'll regret not telling him

I texted her last night, telling her I'm gonna tell him today and she encouraged me and wished me good luck

I'm gonna need it

Entering the building where the set is, I make my way to the dressing room, my legs wobbly, my stomach in knots and my hands shaking

Taking a breath, I enter the dressing room and look for him

My heart crashes to the floor when I find him

Wooyoung, my best friend, the guy I've loved for years, the one I was going to confess to today is kissing another girl

And not just any girl

Binna

He's kissing Binna

Hurt and betrayal hit me at once and it takes everything to control the tears that want to burst out

Breathe, just breathe, breathe

How did this fucking happen?

Why did this happen?

I had no idea that Binna felt that way for Wooyoung

Why didn't she say something?

Why did she encourage me to tell him my feelings?

Why did she wait until I was going to tell him to make a move on him?

Just why?

And I clearly got my answer from him

He never saw me that way, ever

I'm calm on the outside but inside I'm hyperventilating

Walk, I scream at myself

Don't just stand here like an idiot

I move my feet towards the table where the hair products are as I'm one of ATEEZ's hair stylists

I have to pass by them

I can't handle this

Fuck

As I get closer, Wooyoung and Binna break apart, a small smile on his face that utterly breaks my heart

His eyes move from her to me, "Hey Jo"

Binna turns around, smiling smugly at me and I just want to fucking murder her, "Hi Jo"

"Hi", I managed to say without my voice shaking, "What's uh...what's going on?"

"Uh well, Binna-"

"Wooyoungie is my boyfriend", Binna smirks

"Oh?", I say, rage filling me, "I uh didn't know you liked him like that. Or uh that you liked her like that"

"Oh well, I told Woo that I had liked him for awhile and he likes me too, now we're together. Isn't that great?", Binna gushes

Yeah fucking great

God, I want to claw her eyes out

"Yeah. Great", I repeat, trying to sound happy, "Congratulations"

"Thanks", she says, turning back to him

I can't look at him so I avert my eyes and just keep walking

I feel like I'm gonna break down but I can't

I won't

Not in front of her

I won't let her see me cry

And for him, I'll put on a happy front

As long as he's happy, I can pretend I'm ok

I can do this

I can

--------------------------------

18 months later

"So what are we doing with your hair?", I ask Wooyoung

He asked me to cut and dye his hair today, so he came over to my apartment

"Undercut", he says

"Again?", I tease

He scowls, "Is that a problem?"

"No Woo. I just think it's funny that there's only two hairstyles you go for. Long that can fit in a ponytail or a short undercut

"What else is there?", he grumps

"Buzz cut?"

"Are you insane?"

I giggle, continuing, "Mullet?"

"Hongjoong's territory"

"Short bob?"

"That's a girl style!"

"Layers?"

"Now you're fucking with me"

I nod

I so am

"Cut it out", he rolls his eyes

"Ok ok. But seriously how about this- viking style"

"What the hell is that?"

"It's where your hair on the top is long with an undercut"

"That's what I'm asking for!"

I shake my head, "No the point is that the hair on top is long enough to put into a ponytail or braids. Kinda like Hongjoong's hair in the "fireworks" photoshoot. This way you can still do a ponytail and have an undercut"

He looks thoughtful for a minute, then he nods

"Yeah ok, we can try it", he agrees, "And if it looks stupid or Binna hates it you can just cut it normally"

I bristle at the mention of Binna but I just nod

"And color?", I ask, shoving my hate for that cunt down

He's got a black blonde combo going on right now

"Black"

"Boring", I sing

"Just do it", he grits out, "Please"

"Fine. We'll dye it first"

I get out everything I need and mix all the liquids to get a black dye

Then I start

Squeeze a line of dye, then rub it into the strands down to the ends

I work in sections, saturating his hair in the black dye

I've dyed his and the other ATEEZ members hair a million times so it's like second nature for me

I can do it quickly

"Now you need to marinate", I joke, finishing

"Like chicken?"

I giggle, "Yeah"

I go around him, facing him and use a wet paper towel with some soap on it and wipe the tiny black spots on his forehead and temple away, getting them just before it sets

Leaning over, I scrub a little harder on a darker spot on his right temple

He has a photo shoot tomorrow and he can't have black dye staining his face

When I finish I move my gaze to him, startled to see his brown eyes already on me

They stare deep into mine and I'm mesmerized by them

I don't realize I've moved closer until I can feel his breath on my lips

All I have to do is move forward slightly and I'll be kissing him

'Too close!', my brain screams

He hasn't moved away and what the fuck is that about but I need to if he's not

I pull my head back, straightening up

It's like that breaks the spell because he blinks, moving his head back too although I'm nowhere near him now

"So how's the recording going?", I ask to make conversation, knowing that ATEEZ is recording for their new album and comeback

"It's going good", he answers, "I'm getting a few more lines. Letting me hit a few of my higher ranges"

"That's good Woo! Congrats", I smile, "You need to sing more, you have such a beautiful voice"

"Yeah?", he asks, shyly

I blush myself as I nod

"Thanks"

"Of course", I tell him

"And is my dancing sexy?", he says wiggling his eyebrows

I breathe out in relief

He's fucking around now to break the seriousness of the conversation

I snort, "Sure"

"Oh c'mon! All girls find the way I dance hot. And the outfits I'm put in...with my muscles all out. Plus all the tongue action. You know I can't keep my tongue in my mouth during a performance"

He needs to stop right now

I'm getting turned on and wet and it's so not appropriate

"You know that doesn't affect me Jung"

He seriously doesn't need to know how much it does affect me and I've done an excellent job of making him believe he doesn't affect me in that way

"Yeah, I know", he says in a teasing tone, "That's just because you're so in love with Hyun"

I snort, "Yeah ok"

His eyebrow raises, "Trouble in paradise?"

"Paradise? You're kidding right?"

His eyes light up with interest as he leans forward in his chair

"So am I right? Trouble?"

God, he is such a gossip

"No, not trouble", I shrug, "Just....not feeling it"

"Again?", he asks, "That's like what? The third guy this year that you dated for a few months and aren't feeling?"

Yeah it's the third

But what am I supposed to do?

I want Wooyoung but I can't have him

So I try to date to get over him

But it never works

"I dunno what you want me to say Woo. Not everyone can find the love of their life right away like you did"

Although that's not exactly true

I did find the love of my life, I just can't be with him

"I wouldn't say the love of my life", he says, "I.....have feelings...for Binna but I don't know if she's the love of my life"

Huh, that's new, what with all the gushing he does about her

Which hurts but whatever

"Are you still with Hyun?", he asks

"For now yeah. I'm thinking about breaking it off though. Like maybe tonight or tomorrow"

"You wouldn't want to keep trying with him?", he asks

For what?

It's a lost cause

I don't miss Hyun when he's gone, I don't really call or text him when he's not here, when he is here it's boring and the only plus is that I get sex

Really good sex but I can't stay with him for that

"No", I shake my head, "He's not the one...um there's really nothing we have in common and I'm just not into him"

Please don't ask, I pray, please don't ask

"He's not the what?", Wooyoung asks

Fuck

I didn't think about what I was saying and I was going to tell him that Hyun was not who I wanted but I realized mid sentence what a can of worms that would open

I knew he'd notice and I hoped he wouldn't ask about it

But I should know Wooyoung by now

Sometimes he acts like a buffoon but he's incredibly perceptive and smart

"Nothing", I answer, hoping he'd drop it, knowing he won't

"C'mon Jo, he's not the what?", he prods, "You know you can't start saying something like that, suddenly stop and I won't ask about it"

I sigh, looking at the ceiling, giving up

He will harass me until I tell him so I might as well do it now and save myself the aggravation

"He's not the one I want"

Silence

Then, "There's someone you want?", he screeches

I wince, moving my gaze back to him

"Yeah"

"Who? Where is this guy? Why doesn't he want you? Who is it?"

"Please Woo", I answer, pinching my nose bridge, "It's just a guy ok? I guess he's what you'd call the one that got away. Everyone has one of those"

He scoffs, "Him rejecting you is not the one who got away. It's the one who rejected you"

He has no idea how untrue that is

I shake my head, "He didn't reject me Woo. It's my fault he got away"

He raises an eyebrow, "How?"

This is not how I expected today to go

With me explaining to him how I lost him

"Woo, just drop it"

"Joanne!", he barks, "Tell me!"

I groan, "Fine. I was chicken shit ok? I like him..... love him but I took too long to say anything to him. And when I was ready to tell him, he was with someone else"

"What a jerk!"

No he's not

He just didn't know and someone else got to him first

Someone I never expected to betray me like that

"How is he a jerk Woo? He didn't know how I felt for him. I didn't expect him to wait around especially if someone else showed interest and he was interested"

He scowls, "Fine he's not a jerk. Is he still with the girl?"

I nod, "It's my fault Woo. I let him slip away"

Well it's partly my fault

It's also Binna's

That bitch

"I'm sorry Jo", he says sincerely, "That sucks"

Yes it very much does

I shrug, "It's fine. I'm ok"

Big crock of shit but what else can I say

He just nods, an awkward silence falling between us

"So I think your hair is ready", I say, changing the subject, "Let's go wash it"

"Kitchen sink?", he asks

My sink is stainless steel

I nod, "Hell yes. I'm not getting black dye all over my shower tiles"

He rolls his eyes, "Yeah yeah, I know"

He stands up and bends over the kitchen sink, waiting for me to wash his hair out

"Water ok?", I ask, moving my fingers in his hair to wash out the dye

"Yup", he answers

The dye comes out as I wash his hair, making a sea of black against the silver steel

Once most of the dye is out, I lather his hair with shampoo, scrubbing to make sure I get all the dye out

After that is conditioner and he's done

"Keep your head in the sink", I tell him as I go to my table to get a towel for him

"The blood is rushing to my head", he whines, "And my neck hurts"

"Aww poor baby", I mock, throwing the towel over his head, "You can stand up now"

He does, running the towel in his hair

"My neck hurts"

I snort, "Then go get a massage or something. This is what you get for wanting to do your hair here instead of at KQ"

"You're so mean", he whines, plopping back down in the chair

"And you're so whiny", I tease, taking the towel and drying the excess water from his hair

He hurrumphs and it's so cute but I can't let it get to me

I can't think of him as anything other than my best friend

Yeah when he's on stage, I can fangirl but not any other time

I have to maintain the image that he doesn't affect me

Tossing the towel on the table, I grab a comb and start running it through his hair

"Mm feels good", he murmurs

I know it does

He's always liked when someone plays with his hair, but I'm not playing, I'm working

"Don't be weird", I answer, ignoring the feelings that surfaces whenever I'm near him

"I'm not. It feels good ok?", he huffs, "You're always so gentle and I can't help it"

"So you're saying I should pull your hair or something?", I joke as I gather the hair I'm gonna keep long and tie it in a ponytail

"I suggest you not", he says seriously, "I uh...really like that too"

"Oh god, gross!", I snap, pretending I'm grossed out when my body is doing the opposite and getting turned on

He likes hair pulling

I like pulling hair

Hyun doesn't like it so much so I've back off on it, but it's normally one of the things I like

I need to stop thinking about this

And I will not let my mind wander to thoughts of pulling Wooyoung's hair and how he'd sound

Goddamnit

"What?"

"I don't need to know those things about you Woo. Cut it out", I force myself to say

"Sorry", he mutters

I get my buzzer, put it on the setting I need and turn it on

Thankfully the buzzing noise is loud which means no conversation

I start shaving his hair, cutting it short but still leaving some

Once I go all around his head, I undo the ponytail and comb through that hair again, slicking it back

Going in front of him, I inspect the cut to make sure it's good and even

It is

Now time to blow dry it and we're done

Holding the dryer to his head, I run my fingers in his hair, moving the strands around in the heated air to get it to dry faster

As I do this, I look down at him, startled to see his eyes closed, biting his lower lip

He's so beautiful it's stupid

And those beauty marks on his face

I want to press kiss after kiss to the one under his eye, the kiss the one on his lip

Binna probably does that to him

And that thought snaps me out of whatever trance I was in

I move behind him again to finish his hair so I don't have to see his face

"Done", I say after a few minutes, turning the dryer off

I busy myself with cleaning up the mess as he stands up

"I'm gonna look in the mirror", he says, leaving the kitchen and going to the bathroom

I breath in and out as I throw away the bowl I used for the dye, then get the broom to sweep up his hair

"I like it", he announces when he comes back

"Good. At least it's something new and not boring"

He pouts, crossing his arms, "Not nice"

I snort, rolling my eyes

"So uh...do you wanna hang out?", he asks

I do but I can't

This is enough interaction for today

I can only be around him in small doses before it starts to hurt again, before all I can think about is him again

I'm reaching that point and I don't want to go over it

"Oh I can't. Hyun might be coming over", I say, "He asked me to call him after you left to see if we would do something"

"I thought you were gonna break it off with him", he asks his eyebrow raised

"Well yeah but he doesn't know that yet. I'll probably do it tonight if we decide to do something"

He just nods, "Yeah ok. Sure"

"Next time though"

"Yeah next time", he says

There's an awkward silence between us and I don't know how to break it

"So I guess I'm gonna go"

"Yeah ok", I say stupidly

"Thanks for doing my hair"

"Of course Woo. Anytime"

He smiles tightly, "I'll see you later"

I nod

He leaves the kitchen and I hear the front door close a minute later

I breathe out, closing my eyes as tears fall down

I'm ok, it's ok, everything is fine

He's happy, I remind myself

It's ok

I can do this

🦊🦊🦊🦊🦊🦊🦊🦊🦊🦊

A few days later

Wooyoung POV

Walking into Binna's apartment with her, I head to the couch while she closes the door

We just finished the first of three photoshoots for the new album

It was an exhausting day

And I had to force myself to keep my eyes off her

To rein in my jealousy when she laughed with San while she did his hair

Then I had to actually do the photo shoot and I'm just tired

"You ok baby?", Binna asked as she sits next to me

"Yeah. Just tired"

She nods, her fingers moving to my hair again

And I know what's coming

She touches my hair for one reason only

To complain

"Do you really like your hair this way?"

I sigh

Didn't we have this conversation?

I know she doesn't like it but I do and it's my freaking hair

"Don't you think it's too long?"

"No Binna, I like it like this"

"Why, because Jo talked you into it?"

I shake my head, "No. Like I told you before she suggested it and I decided to try it. When I looked at it in the mirror I liked it and still do. She would have cut my hair shorter if that's what I wanted. I didn't"

We went over all this

"Hmmm ok", she says, moving her hand out of my hair, "Is everything with Jo and Hyun ok?"

"Fine", I say

It's really none of Binna's business and I don't feel comfortable telling her about Joanne and her relationship Joanne confided in me about it and I'm not telling anyone anything

If she wants people to know her and Hyun are broken up, it's her choice to tell them

"I just noticed her flirting with San and Mingi"

She wasn't

I would of known as I couldn't stop staring at her

But I just shrug

"She says they're ok"

"Oh well that's good. At least she's over me getting to you first"

I'm about to just nod when her words penetrate my brain

When she what?

"What did you say?", I ask before I can stop myself

"I said that it's good she's with Hyun and over that I got to you first"

Ok, she did say that

"What does that mean?"

She shrugs, "It means what it means. She loved you and was gonna tell you but I got you first"

Joanne loves....me?

Since when?

And if Binna knows that and she said she got to me first....

"You knew she loved me when you came onto me?", I whisper in shock

"Well yeah"

Oh my fucking god!

"If you knew why would you hit on me?", I shriek, standing up

Oh my god

She was different when she walked in the day Binna and I got together

She didn't look happy although she played it like she was

I thought something had happened with like family or something and she didn't want to tell me

And since then she's been distant

Not much at first but over the time I've been with Binna she has

And I just realized that her friendship with Binna is non-existent

They used to be friends but now they're not

Because Binna betrayed her

"Because she took too long", Binna says, standing up too, "And I wanted you. She told me she was gonna tell you the day we got together but I didn't believe her"

She wanted me

At her friend's expense

"You knew she was going to tell me that day? You waited until that day to come on to me?"

"It's not like that. I wasn't sure she would actually tell you. I told her to tell you so many times before and she never did. And she still didn't tell you"

"Because she's not mean like that!", I shout, "She wouldn't tell me how she feels knowing I had a girlfriend!"

This is fucking unbelievable

"Why does it matter Woo? She's happy with Hyun"

"No she's not!", I yell, "I lied! She's not happy! She broke up with him!"

Oh fuck, the guy she was talking about...the one that slipped away...it has to be me

"I like him..... love him but I took too long to say anything to him. And when I was ready to tell him, he was with someone else"

It fits...it has to be me

Oh my god, she loves me

"Ok but that still doesn't matter Wooyoung. It's over, in the past. You love me"

"No I don't", I tell her

I've never said I love you to her before so I don't know where she's getting that from

"What do you mean you don't?", she gapes

"I don't", I repeat, "I love her"

I finally said it out loud and it's like a huge weight off my shoulders

I'm in love with my best friend

"Her?", Binna screeches, "Since when?"

"Since always", I answer, "I always loved her since I could remember. She was the one I always wanted"

"The fuck Wooyoung? Then why did you say yes to me?"

"Because I thought I had no shot with her", I exclaim, "I thought she knew you were going to come on to me. I thought she didn't feel like that for me"

God, I was so wrong

And fuck, I'm glad I was wrong and she loves me

And I'm enraged that Binna did this to her

"We're over", I tell Binna

She looks at me enraged, "Why, because of her? You don't even know if she still loves you!"

I don't know for sure but I think she does

I have to talk to her

Now

"I'm sorry", I tell her, not sorry at all, "We're done"

I turn away from her, practically running to her door

"You're leaving me for the off chance that she still loves you? Are you fucking kidding, you asshole?"

I stop at her door and turn around

"That's one reason", I growl, "The other is that you hurt my best friend. You knew how she felt and you betrayed her. You hurt her and you didn't and still don't care that you did. Even if I didn't love her, I'd never be with someone like you"

She stares at me in disbelief but I don't have time for her

I leave her apartment, calling a car on my phone, anxious to get to her

-------------------------------

Pounding on her door, I wait for her to open it

I have to talk to her

Right now

The door opens, a look of annoyance on her face

"Wooyoung what the fuck? Are you trying to break-"

I cut her off, stepping inside her apartment, pulling her to me and crashing my lips to hers in a kiss

My entire world changes in an instant, fire flooding my veins, my head spinning, chills running up and down my spine

The kiss, it feels so right

I knew she was my one

I knew it

At first she kisses me back but then after a few seconds she pushes on my chest, breaking the kiss and backing away

"What the hell Woo?"

And I just go off

"Why didn't you tell me?", I demand

She rolls her eyes, moving around me and closing her front door, "Tell you what?"

I spin around to face her, "That I'm the one you want? That you love me? That I'm your one who got away"

Her eyes widen in shock, "How the fuck-"

"Binna told me!", I exclaim, "She made a stupid comment on how she was glad she got to me first and I asked her what the hell that meant"

She looks at me with slight fear and nausea on her face

"She told me everything! How she knew you loved me, how she knew you were going to tell me how you felt on the same day she made a move on me. How she stole me from you"

She shakes her head, "You weren't mine to steal away Woo"

Yes I was

I was always hers

Always

"Why didn't you say anything? Why didn't you call her out on her shit? Why didn't you tell me what happened?"

"And what would that have accomplished Woo? Nothing", she snaps, "You were already with her. Unlike her, I don't go behind people's backs. I don't steal boyfriends, I don't break people up. I didn't even know how you felt about me, if what I said would even matter"

I gape at her

Of course it would matter

She's my best friend

And even if I didn't feel anything for her I wouldn't have been with Binna because she hurt my best friend

I wasn't lying when I told Binna that

"You should have told me", I tell her, "I would never have stayed with Binna. Not when she hurt you like that"

"Doesn't matter anymore"

"Of course it matters!", I explode, "You're more important than her! Than anyone! How could you think I wouldn't care that she hurt you? Of course I'd care!"

She looks away from me nodding, "I'm sorry Woo. I didn't mean to imply you wouldn't care. I know you would have. But I just...I had just gotten the courage to tell you how I feel....I couldn't tell you what she did. If the situation was now then yeah I'd tell you but back when it happened....I still let people walk all over me then. I was still the quiet shy girl who wanted no confrontation. So I let it go"

I can understand that

She has changed so much in the year and a half I've been with Binna

She's more outgoing, tougher

Doesn't let anyone walk all over her, tells you how it is, doesn't sugarcoat things, stands up for herself

I guess that's a direct result of Binna fucking her over

"As long as you're happy, I could deal with it", she says

She shouldn't have to

My happiness shouldn't be at her expense

And she has no idea that she is what would have made me happiest of all

"Look, Woo, I'm sorry you found out this way ok? But really, it doesn't matter", she says, "You still love Binna and I get it ok"

No she doesn't get it

"Two days ago...when you did my hair. When you said Hyun wasn't the guy you wanted....that guy is still me?"

I need to know before I tell her how I feel

I need to know if she still feels that way for me

I need her to say it

I was so angry and so jealous when she was talking about the guy who got away

Wishing it was me she was talking about me

I have to know if she was

She looks at me wearily, "What are you doing Woo? Why are you asking me this?"

"Just answer Jo", I ask

"No, I'm not answering Wooyoung. This conversation is over. There's no reason for me to answer this when you still have a girlfriend. I told you, I don't break up relationships", she snaps, turning away from me, "Just...just go home ok? I'll see you for the shoot tomorrow"

She starts walking towards her bedroom and I just stare at her in shock

For a second

"Joanne Hayes, don't you fucking walk away from me!", I shout

She turns around, her eyes wide, looking at me like I'm insane

"I fucking love you, you dummy!", I yell, "I don't want Binna, I never wanted her! I left her! I wanted you! I always wanted you! You think you were the only one who was chicken shit? I was too! You're my one that got away!"

Her mouth drops, "What?"

"I always loved you", I confess, "And the only reason I went out with Binna was because I thought there was no shot with you! I know girls have like a girl code like guys do. I didn't think I'd ever get to be with you because one of your friends asked me out. I thought you knew and because she went ahead and asked me, I thought you didn't feel that way for me and you were ok with me being with her. I also knew if her and I ever broke up, you wouldn't go behind her back and be with her ex. I thought I'd never be with you, so I said yes to her"

God, I was so stupid back then too

Too scared to tell my best friend I was in love with her for years

That's she was who I wanted

And Binna asking me out really put me in a hard place for the reasons I just told her

Joanne is a very loyal person and she wouldn't hurt people she cares about

But now that all of this has come to light....I don't care about Binna

If it's between her and Binna, I'm choosing her, always

My girl who got away

She stands there gaping at me, not moving from her spot

"I'll always choose you Jo. Always", I tell her, "So if it's me you were talking about the other day and you love me like I love you and you want to be with me, put your money where your mouth is and get the fuck over here and kiss me. Now"

In a fraction of a second she moves, running right to me

My heart fills with pure happiness when I catch her in my arms, her mouth against mine in a mind altering kiss

I pick her up, her arms around my neck, fingers in my hair, legs wrapped around my waist, tongue against mine as she kisses me deeply

"I love you Woo", she says between kisses, joy, relief, love pouring over me hearing her words

She loves me

The girl I love, the girl I pined for loves me too

"I love you Jo", I tell her, my lips right back on hers when I finish speaking

"Fuck, baby all I wanted was you", she whispers

"All I wanted was you too princess", I answer, pressing pecks to her soft lips, "Always, from when we were kids baby. It was always you"

"It was always you Woo. Always. I thought I lost you"

"Never baby. I'll always be yours. I'll always love you"

"I'll always love you baby", she answers, her gorgeous brown eyes looking at me with so much love

I smile, so unbelievably happy I finally got my girl

She closes the space between us, her lips on mine, kissing me deeply

I fall into her kiss, so fucking ecstatic I can finally have them all the time

My feet move on their own, going right to her bedroom

I know the way with my eyes closed

We fall on the bed, her lips glued to mine as she keeps me against her

Her fingers move in my hair, playing with the strands at the back of my head, sending shivers up my spine

I can't stop my hands from touching her, moving under her shirt and finally feeling her warm soft skin

"Woo", she murmurs, her hands moving down my body and pulling my shirt up, her fingers grazing my skin and making me tremble against her touch

We break the kiss momentarily as she pulls my shirt off me and I take hers off

Then our lips are against each other's again as my hands move around her boobs, softly squeezing

"Mmm baby", she whispers, her body arching against mine as my fingers brush against her nipples

Dragging kisses down her neck, I continue the path to her boob

"Woo", she cries, her hand buried in my hair and pulling, getting even more riled up than I already am

Lavishing licks on her nipple, I feel it get hard against my tongue, her moans music to my ears

Wrapping my mouth around her nipple, I suck on it, loving the way it feels in my mouth as she screams louder

I stay on her boob, sucking hard as I push down her pants and panties, her legs kicking them off for me

Switching to her other nipple, I continue my sucking while touching her cunt

I moan in her skin as I feel how utterly wet she is

Soaked

And it's all for me

Slowly, I slide two fingers in her tiny hole, her cunt squeezing as soon as I'm in

Fuck, she's going to feel so fucking amazing on my dick

Pulling my fingers out, I thrust them back inside over and over, her moans louder than before

I move my fingers inside her, searching for that spot that will have her fall apart for me

God, I want to see that so badly

Pressing down inside her, she cries out and I smirk around her nipple

Found it

I concentrate on driving my fingers right into her spot, moving my palm against her clit at the same time

She flood my hand, leaking out around us and I bet she's drenching the sheets

I keep working her over with my fingers, letting go of her nipple and sliding down to her pretty pussy

Latching onto her clit, I keep my tongue against it as I suck

"Wooyoung! Oh god!", she screams, her hips moving, fucking my fingers as she meets my thrusts

Her little clit throbs hard against my lips sending pleasure down to my already painfully hard cock

Switching, I give her clit long licks using all of my tongue, starting with the flat of it and ending with flicking her bump with the tip

"Yes, Wooyoung, yes baby!", she cries, "Oh my god"

"Mmm", I moan into her, feeling her cunt pulse impossibly fast around my fingers

She's right there

Shoving my fingers inside just as I suck her clit back in my mouth has her screaming loudly as she orgasms

I raise my eyes, watching the beautiful sight of her coming in front of me

God, she's fucking ethereal, her face and body in so much pleasure

I finger and suck her through it, her pussy so fucking wet, it's all over my hand

When she finishes, I pull my fingers out and slip my tongue down, into her waiting hole

"Oh god", she whimpers, her fingers tightening in my hair

I get a first taste of her cum and my god it's so good

So sweet, like candy

Pulling my tongue out, I lick along her pussy, spreading her slit with my tongue and ending on her clit

Then I do it again and again, thoroughly enjoying eating her cunt

She squirms a bit so I move my arms around her legs, holding her down and open for me

"I'm not done yet princess", I tell her, slurping around her clit, "I want more. You came on my fingers now you have to cum on my tongue"

"Woo...I...don't...think....I don't know..."

"You can", I assure her, "No matter how long it takes, you're gonna cum on my tongue, then on my cock"

"Fuck", she whimpers

"I could eat you, fuck you all night princess. Make you cum again and again", I tell her

"Jesus, Woo"

"You want that baby?", I ask

"Yes", she cries, "Yes Woo, fuck, I want you"

"Good baby. I want you too. So fucking much", I assure her between licks, "And now that you're finally mine, I'm gonna fuck you and make you cum over and over. Sound good?"

"So good", she agrees

I go back to eating her cunt, sliding my tongue in her pulsing hole again, feeling the clenching on my tongue down in my dick

I can't wait to be inside her

As I tongue fuck her perfect pussy, her cream runs everywhere, all over my face, my chin, sliding down my neck, soaking me just how I like it

I swallow as much as I can, the taste of her my new favorite flavor

Her hand pulls and tugs my hair hard, sending pleasure down my spine and I moan in her pussy

"Fuck princess, harder", I demand, "Pull harder"

"Hmmm", she whimpers

"Remember what I told you about my hair baby?", I ask in between thrusting my tongue in her cunt, my eyes on her

She looks down at me, biting her lip as she says, "You like when your hair is pulled"

"That's right princess", I confirm, "So do it for me, yeah?"

"Yeah baby", she whispers, tugging hard, making me smile

I don't know what it is or why I like it but pulling my hair gets me so fucking horny

It should hurt and on some level it does but it just turns me on more

And right now, it's making me eat her cunt faster

"Wooyoung", she cries, "I'm coming. Oh fuck!"

I shove as much as my tongue inside her cunt as I can as she orgasms, her cream flooding my tongue and mouth

I swallow eagerly, the pulses of her cunt feeling so fucking good as she screams my name

Her fingers pull my hair this way and that, her hips pushing her cunt into my face as her body arches

And I love every fucking minute of it

Every minute

As soon as she finishes, I pull my tongue out, licking and cleaning her pussy as I get out of my pants and boxers

I move over her, her arms wrapping around my neck, pulling me down on top of her, her soft smooth skin against mine, her lips kissing me

Her legs wrap around me as I kiss her deeply, slowly pushing my aching cock into her

"Mmmm", she moans in my mouth as her pussy takes me so fucking pleasurably, latching on my cock and sucking me in as I move

God, she feels so fucking good, like I've never felt before

Her body pressed against mine, her hips moving up as I get more and more inside her tight drenched cunt

She feels incredible sliding open for me as I bottom out

"Oh god Woo", she moans, her hands back in my hair as she kisses me

I stay inside her, just feeling her wrapped around me, the soft spasms of her cunt keeping a hum of pleasure running through me

"Fuck princess", I murmur, moving my kisses to her pretty neck, "You feel so good"

"Mmm you too Woo"

"Yeah baby. Fuck, do you feel how perfect we are together? How I fit perfectly inside you, how you fit perfectly wrapped around me?"

"Yes Wooyoung, I feel it", she whimpers, her cunt clenching my cock hard, sending pleasure up my spine

"You're mine", I whisper, kissing a spot that has her moaning loudly, "All mine. Always mine"

She nods, "Yes Woo. And you're mine baby"

"Always princess. I was always yours and I'll always be yours"

"I love you Wooyoung"

I groan in her neck, absolutely loving hearing those words from her

"I love you Joanne. Always princess"

"Always Woo"

With that, I start moving, pulling out of her then slowly sliding back in, making sure I'm all inside her again, so deep in her

Her hand tugs my hair, pulling my head back as I increase my speed, thrusting into her, the sound of our skin against each other's loud in her room

One of her hands moves around me, her fingers digging in my back as she moans for me, her pussy taking me over and over, utter bliss falling over me

She groans loudly when my head hits her spot, calling my name, begging me fuck her there

And I oblige, driving my cock right into her spot, watching the pleasure in her face, feeling her shake under me, feeling her gorgeous legs tighten around my waist

Moving to my knees, I lean my hand next to her head, wrap my other arm around her waist and hold her up against me, fucking into her harder, smashing her spot

"Yes Wooyoung! Yes! Baby!", she screams, clinging onto me

I'm in so much bliss, her cunt stretching so wonderfully around me, spasming quickly, creaming my cock like I can't fucking believe

I've never had a pussy cream this much before, it's all over my cock, my lap, my legs, the bed

So fucking pretty

"Please Woo", she whimpers, tears falling down her face as I slam into her, "Sss....so good. Ggg..gonna cum"

"Yes baby", I grunt, "Cum around my cock. Want it now princess"

Burying inside her, she screams, shaking uncontrollably under me as she cums, her cunt strangling my cock, squirt pouring from her, the sight of it streaming around my cock so fucking pornographic

"Wooyoung! Wooyoung! Wooyoung!"

Her cries of my name turn me on like nothing else and I go faster than I thought possible, fucking her through her orgasm

Her squirt is flying everywhere, hitting my chest, my stomach, the bed

"Yes baby", I urge, intense pleasure from her orgasm assaulting my body, "So pretty. Fuck, so beautiful coming for me. Such a pretty princess"

When she's done, I pull out, turning her over, moving her to her hands and knees, sinking right back into her

"Fuck", we both yell, her ass moving back until she crashes into me, burying my cock inside her, squeezing hard

Stars blast in my vision as I moan

Leaning over her, I wrap my arm around her middle and start moving, plunging into her waiting cunt over and over, pressing kisses all over her shoulder

"Woo, baby, you feel so good", she whimpers, rocking back on my dick as I move into her, taking me deeper than before

"No you feel good baby", I whisper, fucking harder into her, "So tight around me, so wet for me"

"Mmm you're so fucking big Woo, so hard", she moans, "Gonna make me cum again"

I know, I can feel it

Feel her pussy get tighter, feel the incredible pleasure of pushing through that tightness, her cream soaking me, her pussy so fucking wet, the squelching sounds of my cock entering her sounding in the room

"Please make me cum", she sobs, her body trembling in bliss

"I will baby", I assure her, stroke after stroke hitting her spot, "Make you cum all over my cock again"

Sheathing my length inside her, she screams my name the loudest she has all night, her body visibly shuddering as she orgasms

I choke on a moan as incredible ecstasy tramples over me

"Cum Wooyoung!", she yells, her cunt throbbing in my cock in a vice grip, "Please Woo, want your cum inside me"

"Fff...fuck! Joanne!", I yell, my vision turning white as I cum deep in her pussy, my body shaking from the pure utter pleasure, "Yes baby, fuck, fuck, yes"

Her pussy clenches my cock over and over as I pump cum into her, both of us moaning loudly

As the pleasure slowly fades we both collapse on the bed

I pull out of her, her whimpers so soft

Wrapping my arm around her, I pull her against me, her back against my chest

She turns back, her arm reaching around my neck and pulling me down into a kiss

"I love you Woo", she whispers, then kisses me again

I fall into her kiss, so fucking happy she's mine

When the kiss ends, I look down in her eyes, moving her hair out of her face

"I love you Jo. So much baby"

She smiles, taking my hand and kissing the back of it, "So much Woo"

She turns back around, moving back into me and snuggling, pulling my arm over her again

I secure my arm around her, kissing the back of her neck as I settle next to her

"Nap time princess?", I ask against her skin

"Nap time baby", she confirms, "Is that ok?"

"More than ok", I agree, "As long as you stay right here in my arms"

"Deal", she giggles

I smile, kissing her shoulder, holding her tightly, closing my eyes, completely relaxed and happy I got my one that got away

#wooyoung smut #ateez wooyoung smut #jung wooyoung smut #ateez wooyoung fanfic #jung wooyoung fanfic #wooyoung fanfic #ateez fanfic #ateez smut

[fatuismooches]

Hi, uhm, i'm someone who has been lurking around for a while.. Mostly because i'm far too awkward to ever interact directly, but i've decided to gather the courage to ask.. Or, rather share my thoughts

I just had ACL reconstruction surgery with my meniscus as well, and i am in absolute horrible discomfort/pain, i've been entertaining myself with what my favorite characters would do to support their s/o after a similar situation, yk.. For comfort,

Dottore finding different medicine to block the pain, or recording the progress made every day.. Actually he probably did the surgery himself..

Pantalone using his wealth to buy products that would ease the pain, medicine.. Moving his desk into his s/o's room just to monitor them himself.. Or something like it

Capitano helping his s/o with mobilisation, getting around or just being a pillar his s/o could depend on, all fluff.. Anyway, thank you for taking the time to read that, i'd like your thoughts on it..

-unlabeled anon (for now)

Dottore would never trust anyone else to handle something so important, as both your doctor and your lover he is more than capable of taking care of you. You're thankful for this, knowing you're in skilled hands, but of course, you still can't help but be scared of undergoing surgery. Dottore, not being the best with these matters, would just hold you and reassure you that it would be over before you know it. Unfortunately, for all of his skill, he still can't exactly stop the pain afterward, but he still tries to find a solution. He is not a scholar for no reason. He would experiment with different mixtures and formulas, not resting until he managed to make something that's better than the last. Which you know of but can't exactly stop him from overworking, but with enough begging you can convince him to take a break and cuddle with you. During these breaks, he would always question you regarding your current state, which you love him for, but you would still like to have a normal conversation with him! The segments as well, they always pop in regularly to check in on you. They make sure you're comfortable and have your needs met in as many ways as they can. Zandy too, he would be more than willing to be your little helper and at your beck and call. Not wanting you to strain yourself.

Pantalone would spare no expense if it meant you could feel even the slightest bit more comfortable. Of course, he consults with only the best of the best to get the best possible recommendations. He certainly doesn't see a problem with spending his money this way, even if you feel a bit guilty he's spent this much on you again (not just the medical stuff, but also numerous gifts and services he has provided for you) but Pantalone would always shush you by kissing you. You're his lover, it's only natural that he makes sure only the best. And he will see to that. Pantalone usually likes keeping his work life away from his personal one, so as to focus all of his attention on you, but this is different. Good thing the bedroom is big enough to fit his office stuff. He also doesn't let Fatui agents come in so as to not bother or disturb you (though they are panicking over how to relay messages to the Harbinger, he gets a lot of papers slipped under the door for a while.) He keeps an eye on you more than you think, you don't really know how he multitasks like that but you're thankful regardless.

Capitano would initially be scared to hold you - you're weak right now and he's scared of accidentally hurting you. But even he can see how much you need him right now so he manages to get over his fear. He's super gentle with you, it seems uncharacteristic of a man like him but he can't help it. He wants to help you as much as someone like him can, even though he's wholly inexperienced and awkward with such things. Capitano would kind of be a large guard dog with the touch of a little puppy, he's a silent man in general so many times you find him staring at you silently as if to ask what he can do to ease your pain. Another one who's at your beck and call except he's not the best but he's learning. He's the one who has made a whole checklist and reads it off in the same voice every day, it honestly gets comedic eventually and then he's confused why you're giggling. All in all, he's not used to being so gentle, but he's always willing to do so for you.

#smooches talks #unlabeled anon #fragile reader <3 #dottore love notes <3 #pantalone love notes <3 #capitano love notes <3 #i hope you're able to find some relief soon anon... me and the harbingers are sending you all the love

[natalyarose]

𝑅𝑒𝒻𝓁𝑒𝒸𝓉𝒾𝑜𝓃𝓈 𝒶𝒷𝑜𝓊𝓉 𝓂𝓎 𝒶𝓇𝓉… (𝒽𝑒𝓁𝓁𝑜, 𝒮𝓊𝓃 𝒾𝓃 𝐵𝒽𝒶𝓇𝒶𝓃𝒾!)

~ This is a bit of a personal one lol, maybe I'm getting a little too comfy on tumblr- but hey, I like it here and I'm very grateful for everyone who's taken an interest in whatever I have to say :)

~ tagging this on Nakshatra tumblr because I feel like this reflection perfectly encapsulates Venus Nakshatras and is very aligned with the Sun moving into Bharani, the birth of Venus among the Nakshatras

// warning, cringe and angsty lmao

I have such an odd relationship with my artistic process. Unconventional? Stubborn. Sometimes just straight up bad lol.

I want to create beautiful, meaningful things, yet I have this sort of extreme resistance to being perfect or professionalism (however, somehow perfectionism and such a ruthless self-antagonism for not being 'enough' at the same time..).

It's almost like I purposely sabotage my art by intentionally leaving in mistakes, or leaving it somewhat dishevelled in protest of perfection. In hopes that the beauty and artistry still manages to shine through to the right people.

I guess it's also this thing where I feel like the imperfection makes art more unique, more exclusive- more personal & dearly held to the people who do find the beauty in it that I initially wanted to communicate. But, there is a difference between artsy, grungy, rawness and... just being crap, lazy, unrefined, undisciplined. (I'd never refer to someone else's work in this way but myself... mann).

Knowing full well that my artistic creation likely 'needs work', is not a finished product and will very likely be criticised for its' imperfection, I still have the overwhelming urge to go ahead and share it with the world/post it. In all of its' messy (again, maybe just straight up bad lol) glory. Then I wonder why I'm not gaining the traction I want haha. When I inevitably receive criticism, I get so hurt by it, I beat myself up and it eats at me to the point that I can't sleep at night, I'm up reciting the criticisms in my head and weaving them into my very own nightmare!

I don't understand why I do this to myself lmao. Later on after posting & putting myself out there, I hear that imperfection in the song, I hear those vocal parts I stubbornly left in and didn't want to redo, I see the dodgy brush strokes I refused to fix up in the name of authenticity, and I cringe. In fact, I feel such a deep shame for it all that I take everything down out of embarrassment. Even though it was fully my decision to put up something amateur sounding and imperfect.

Maybe it's something like the weight of desire for perfection is too much, so I just go 'to hell with it!'.

It's like an endless cycle for me, and I realise that over the years, if I'd just left things up online and was more patient with myself, I'd probably have cultivated a following of some sort by now, or maybe used peoples' criticisms to improve the art to a greater extent. I mean, there are people who have mentioned to me when they notice the art is imperfect and needs work, but there are just as many lovely people who have gone totally out of their way to express deep appreciation for the music/art I've put out and enjoyed it.

Here's my 'theory' as to why I do this to myself: when I create art, I don't just want to make pretty things, though I want that too. I want to be loved, and FELT. I want to bring people to this raw, vulnerable place in my heart where my ideas emerge from. I want to be loved not in spite of the imperfections, but alongside them, all encompassing.

I don't want to have to be perfect, have $1000 worth of equipment, hours and hours of recording time trying to 'get it right' in order to be understood and deemed beautiful. I don't want to show off how perfect or skilled I am either, I want to make people feel something. I want it natural.

r a w.

I kinda enjoy for art to be unfinished and slightly unpalatable on purpose.

Maybe it's a bit of entitlement on my part, expecting that even if I do a mediocre job, people will still enjoy it and see my 'talents'/message.

Truth be told though, that's how I love other people, how I enjoy others' art as well, it's not just something with me.

When I listen to artists I love, I adore seeing something beautiful, yet somehow messy and jarring. A sort of underground-esque, 'wild feminine' creation. It evokes that much more feeling and passion that something designed to be perfect just lacks to me.

I can't get into a lot of bands that are considered 'objectively good' by many people because they just sound too perfect to me- There's a lot of times I come across artists that sound technically good, very clean but my heart just can't get into it. I find myself listening and thinking 'I wish this was recorded on a toaster', or 'I wish there was a more rough sound to the vocals' lol, I crave the rawness & intimacy that imperfection and roughness lends.

Ugh, it all creates such an internal conflict- like I want my art to be seen, to be loved yet I somewhat reject things it takes for the art to be considered objectively good & well rounded.

The harsh reality might just be that just because I see the beauty in imperfection, just because I know I've got this personal, very niche vision of what 'good' sounds like/looks like in my mind, that doesn't mean other people are going to find value in the same things.

Of course, maybe all of this is just pretentious excuses & my own self-hatred manifested (I don't actively hate myself, I try to be much kinder to myself these days but yknow)

Anyway, I realised that it's the start of Bharani season in galactic centre mid-mula Ayanamsa today & I think this write up really aligns with that.

Thankyou for reading lol.. again, a bit of an angsty personal thing but maybe it could be relevant to someone, if y'all wanna know what Venusian artistic angst looks like in real time lmao 🖤🥀

#nakshatras #astrology #music #artist #aesthetic #vedic astro observations #venus

[spiralwriting]

Promises

(look at me being productive, woo hoo)

Promises should never be broken.

Despite the knots that tightened sickeningly in my stomach and the salty river that threatened to spill from my eyes with each passing second, that sentiment circled my brain, flashing like a neon sign.

No matter how much it hurt.

No matter how much I wish I could be anywhere but here.

A promise is a promise, no matter the pain it causes.

So in spite of the dread settling in my heart, I face the man I've come to visit- the man I promised to visit.

This is far from the first time I've sat on this decrepit old chair across from the equally uncared for table, but the white hot glare it reflects never ceases to scolded my eyes; exposing them to the ugly truth of the situation. A Truth I'd trade for anything: a miracle perhaps. A miracle I'd use to travel back in time, one I'd use to prevent this all from happening. How? I don't know, but I'm sure I'd find a way.

If only I had the chance.

Today is particularly grim, so grim in fact that I wish I hadn't even bothered rolling out of bed this morning. Although, I wouldn't miss today for the world, even if it causes me unparalleled amounts of agony.

I can't miss today, it might be my last opportunity to say goodbye, because I don't think I can bring myself to come back and face him if things don't end up going well.

"You didn't have to come today..." His voice, soft, yet tense. "I know this must be hard for you..." he feels it too, the pressure in the room.

Sighing, I shake my head, "No matter how I feel, today is important. I want to be here for you before shit goes down."

This afternoon, the final trial, the verdict. It's terrifying, but it's unavoidable. The gang has been together through thick and thin, today is no different. Currently, there have been no hints towards what might happen, so it's completely up in the air, which makes it that much more unnerving. Ashley is supposed to be giving a statement to the court, which is interesting, seeing as nobody had asked any of us to do so.

"Well I'm glad you're here," a small, feble smile spreads across his scarred face "I will admit, I was really happy when the guard told me you did end up coming."

I can't help the smile that creeps onto my face, knowing that I made his day a little brighter during this bleak time. "Good news for you then, I'm not going anywhere, love."

A yawn suddenly overtakes that smile, drowsiness swallowing my body. "You look exhausted," concern shadows his face "you haven't been sleeping right again, have you?"

I run a hand through my hair, averting my gaze to look at the dull concrete walls of the room instead of his rather unimpressed expression.

"Don't worry about it, just a couple of late nights." My eyes return to meet his, but he doesn't seem convinced.

"Mmhmm."

I can't help but laugh bitterly at his disbelief. I'm aware that he knows me far too well to fall for that blatant lie, and he knows it to.

"Let's be real here, the words 'sleep schedule' haven't been in my vocabulary since I was 12 and they released clumpy."

From the serious look on his face, he didn't appear to like my joke too much. "Has this whole thing been stressing you out? It's okay if it has, i understand that but it shouldn't stop you from functioning. You still need to take care of yourself-"

"Relax! It's nothing to do with this, it's just work n' shit." Lier.

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

He sighs in defeat, wether he believes me or not, he doesn't push further. "How have you been anyways? Up to anything interesting?"

I think for a moment, resting my head lazily in my hand, whilst the other traces imaginary shapes across the fridgid table. "No, not really. Life's been pretty boring since we lost most of the group." My eyes narrow "I spend most of my time working now, trying to get enough money to get myself a place." Head shifting to look at him once again, my hand stops and relaxes. "When I'm not working my ass off, I'm usually here." Or drinking my life away in the dark abis my room.

He sits back in his chair, tilting his head slightly, something I've always loved about him, even now, it's so... Cute. "When's the last time you spoke to ash?"

Mirroring his actions, my face falls in distain. "Not recently, that's for sure. I've talked to her about all this, but she's certain none of it is real, that were just deluded by childhood fantasies." A scoff falls from my mouth "So I haven't bothered with her."

"I know it's frustrating, she's expressed the same feelings towards me when she's been here, but you can't isolate yourself like this." He moves forward, holding his chained hand out for mine. I oblige. "You're gonna end up alone, and that's not what you deserve."

My grip on his hands tighten as I attempt to conceal my frustration, "I know, I don't want to end up alone, it's just so... Ugh!" Ripping my hands from his own, I rub my face, aggravated "I just don't understand how after everything she still doesn't believe us. After Larry, after Todd, after..." My gaze falters and falls to the table "... You."

"Her friends are getting hurt, and I don't understand how she just doesn't care." I burry my face in my hands.

After everything we've been through together, her complete disregard for anything I, or anyone else has to say, is pushing me to the edge. I know I'm not insane, despite what she might think.

"Don't say that," guilt consumes me at the somber tone of his voice "she does care, in her own way, she just... doesn't understand. She's still out friend, remember that."

I peek at him through my fingers, he's leaned forward again, brows knitted together and sad look in his eyes. He's hurt by her disbelief, I can see it, but like always, he sees the best in her, like he does with everyone. Like he did with me. He's so sweet, so kind, and I'm once again brought back to how. How could this happen? I believe him when he says he had no choice, but why. Why sal? Why the most genuine, most loving man on this earth? It's not fair.

But when has life ever been fair to him?

My head falls forward, hands dropping and hair covering my shameful face, "Yeah, sorry, you're right. I'm just frustrated, you know? It's hard to understand where she's coming from but... She probably feels the same way, huh?"

"Yeah, she does. Can't blame her, she was never as involved as we were in the cult."

The guilt falls away with the force of a waterfall, replaced with uncontrollable rage at the mention of the cult. They caused all of this. I haven't thought about, nor touched anything to do with it since the incident. Why would I when all it does it cause harm and heartache to those who get involved? As soon as this whole thing is over, I don't plan on sticking around long.

"Alright Mr. Fisher, times up." A guard saunters lazily into the room, looking at a sheet of paper. "you've got an appointment with Dr. Enon before your trial."

Blankly, I stare at the man that interrupted our conversation. The world around me begins to dissolve as I realise the time that approaches.

I rise to my feet, legs feeling numb, and as if I could collapse at any moment. My steps feel staggered as I make my way out of the melancholy room. In contrast to the dull, lifeless room I previously sat in, the seemingly endless halls are pristine, bright and somewhat less depressing. Though, it still feels devoid of life.

My body turns and takes a step forward towards sal.

"I'll see you in the court room, okay?" My hands caress his mask, fingers running smoothly across his scruffy hair. Guiding his face up, I lay the ghost of a kiss on his forehead, keeping it there for a moment. "I love you, Sal." A whisper, a secret, a promise, only for us to hear.

A relaxed exhale releases loudly through the holes of his prosthetic, head leaning against my chin slightly. "I love you too..."

"Come on, let's go!"

I glare at the guard overtop of the mop of messy blue hair, releasing his face and taking a miniscule step backwards. A smile sits painfully along my face as we say our farewells and I watch him turn and make his way down the hall.

I stand there for what feels like hours before he finally rounds a corner.

My face falls.

#sal fisher #sally face #sally face x reader #sal fisher x reader #fanfic #part 1 #sal x reader #angst #tw death and shit #fanfiction #sally face fanfiction

[flanaganfilm]

Good morning/ evening! My name’s Sam and I’m currently a film student hoping to get into freelance writing. I’ve got a couple questions if you don’t mind (hoping you haven’t already answered them and I just missed them).

When you first starting making your own films, did you have already have thick skin for any critics/ bad reviews? Or is that something you grew over time?

Also, for your production company, do you hire interns and PAs or do you prefer filmmakers with more experience?

Thank you!

To your first question, I do not have a thick skin in that area AT ALL and never have. I don't know many people who do.

I'm often approached by fans who will talk about what a project of mine means to them, or I find a review or think piece online where the author really connected with my work. I want to let that feedback in, because it's validating. But letting it in means letting ALL of it in, even the negative. I don't really get to pick and choose. Once I decided to let myself react emotionally to other people's feedback, those gates are open I've got to accept whatever comes through.

I take my work very seriously, and tend to pour my heart and soul into it. We make these things because we love them. It can literally take years of daily work to do. When people love it, it feels great. When people don't, it hurts. There's really no way around that.

Film criticism has, like a lot of things, devolved over time. I was a massive fan of Robert Ebert, who was thoughtful and sophisticated in his critiques (most of the time), and tried to approach each movie he watched on the film's own terms - from the perspective of "how successful was this at achieving what it set out to do?" I see a lot of criticisms today that don't do this, and instead are lamenting what a movie is or isn't, saying things like "I wish this was more..." or "This isn't good because I wanted it to be something else."

"I wanted a ________ and what I got instead was ______ so it sucks."

The other issue is that loud, sensationalized vitriol gets more clicks. Negative reviews, especially brutal and callous ones, get more attention than positive ones. I've gotten to know and befriend some professional critics over the years, who have all told me that the positive reviews don't generate the audience reaction quite like the negative ones. People enjoy watching things get beat up. We reward the wrong kind of discourse, and that isn't unique to film criticism - it's everywhere. That's just a symptom of our culture.

One of my great frustrations is how we assert our opinion as objective truth. There's nothing more dangerous than tweeting "I liked ______ movie!" The comments flood in about how you're wrong, how it sucks, blah blah blah. People think their own taste is somehow factual. If someone says "I had a fantastic steak dinner last night and I loved it," we don't say "you're wrong, steak sucks". We understand the concept of taste when it comes to other things we consume, but when it comes to entertainment each one of us thinks we're the ultimate authority.

For myself, my producer and my wife have long discouraged me from reading reviews. I still can't help it. It's not healthy though. I can scroll past a dozen positive ones, and they evaporate in my mind, but I read one scathing thing and it sticks with me for days. There is one particular review of MIDNIGHT MASS that is one of the most baffling and frustrating things I've ever read, as the author appears to have misunderstood just about every aspect of the series, and drawn the angriest, most misguided, most erroneous conclusions. I read it with my jaw on the ground... "but they're objectively wrong. That isn't what happens, and that isn't what the show is even about." But what can I do? Who am I to say their experience of the show is invalid? They feel how they feel, and that's fine. That's okay. It has to be.

So your skin doesn't get thicker, it is a bizarre emotional experience to put something personal out there into the world and see the gamut of reactions. But at a certain point you have to remind yourself that it's impossible to please everyone, and that these projects don't belong to the filmmaker - they belong to the audience, and each and every one of those experiences is unique and valid. Perhaps there are lessons to be learned, and perhaps the critique can help you grow as a filmmaker.

I have similar feelings when I see someone trashing someone else's work I happen to love - for example, I remain baffled by people who didn't like EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE ALL AT ONCE, but that doesn't mean anything. It didn't work for them, that's all. Nothing works for everyone.

I have found over the years that I respect and appreciate analyses and criticisms that take this more personal point of view, and talk about their own interaction with the work as opposed to just dismissing it outright. When someone says "this movie didn't work for me," or "I didn't connect with it," or "It just wasn't my cup of tea," I have a much easier time taking it seriously. It's changed how I talk about my own reactions to movies or shows that I didn't respond to. And I found that it's made it much easier for me to enjoy things even if they aren't quite for me. Instead of being reactive and saying "it sucks" or "I hate this," I've gotten better at realizing it's not a binary experience - I can look at what DOES work for me, and I can appreciate it, even while other elements might not.

It makes for a much more nuanced discussion, and helps me grow. Sometimes, though, it's just the wrong thing to watch on the wrong day, and that's fine too. Maybe that makes it a little easier. If I step out of something and just really don't enjoy it, it helps remind me that it's not personal. Clearly, other people DO enjoy these things, sometimes I'm very much in the minority. And when that happens, I can say "oh, it's not so bad if someone hates a movie I made, or a show, or whatever. Life's too short."

But I long ago decided I'd never say anything negative about someone else's work in public. I know too much about what it takes to make a movie, and I'm not a critic. I'm a filmmaker. This town is too small, and there is zero upside in dragging another filmmaker's efforts. On the rare occasions when I do see another filmmaker indulge in that behavior, it is always a terrible look. And it can have real-world consequences - there are a few filmmakers who I've seen publicly slag off other people's work, and I quietly decided never to hire them. Like I said, it's a small town... and most of us read what people say about our work.

We should get back to that work, remember how lucky we all are to do this for a living, and leave that kind of thing to the critics.

#filmmaking #criticism #boy do I miss Roger Ebert