#so i only had to deal with them face to face for another weekish after that point and anytime they yelled at me

[youremyonlyhope]

why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up

#i'm overthinking something that i did and was told off for doing by my director #and on my way home i was thinking when was the last time i was even talked to like that during a production #and then i remembered the costume experience from hell of only a couple months ago that i've already began blocking out #but the thing is that that person was someone i knew i'd never have to work with again #i mean at first i thought i would have to work with them more. then they announced they were moving away immediately #so i only had to deal with them face to face for another weekish after that point and anytime they yelled at me #i was like 'cool. i'll do exactly what you say to do. and nothing more.' but then of course me being me #i did some extra stuff and they initially were like 'oh that's pretty' and then days later told me to cut everything i added #and like sure i get that the show was frozen but girl. that costume was unfinished. i was trying to finish it. it was frozen but looked bad #anyway. whenever they yelled at me and had actual malice in their heart i was like whatever. i was hurt. but i didn't care as much. #but this time it's someone i've worked with many many times before and it was about a habit i have that i know isn't great #but at the same time the thing that prompted it wasn't even me doing this habit it was something else #but she interpreted it as that habit and said that i can't do that on a production she's directing #and that if i couldn't stop then i could pull out from the production and there'd be no hard feelings between us #and honestly i think her reassuring that she knows i'm valuable and that she wants me there while also telling me not to do this thing #and the fact that she's someone i like working with and will continue to work with just made it all hurt so much more #especially since she referenced another past production we've done where i didn't even realize she had noticed that i do this. #and i found myself in near tears. and still am kind of in near tears. i can't decide if i need to cry or not. #and i had NO sleep last night so i was looking forward to sleeping tonight but now i'm just overthinking EVERYTHING #and like. i know everything will be fine. if i just stop inserting myself and stick to just my specific tasks. it'll be fine. #but this is one of the ways my ocd manifests. i feel like i have to personally fix something i notice going wrong. or it'll be bad. #because every single time i choose to sit back and not be nosy when i notice something it ends up bad in a way i could have prevented #if i just inserted myself in a situation i technically wasn't part of but knew i could help or fix. so i just need to not do that. #but then i feel guilt if it does go wrong in the ways i immediately assumed it would and in a way i could prevent. #and i've been trying to work on this for like 6 months and aaaahhhh it's hard and being called out on it from her just really really hurt #i still may or may not cry. i don't know. the irony of me telling my therapist THIS MORNING that it's been a while since i last cried. #and the universe being like 'i took that as a challenge' and handing me this situation for me to spiral over. #i need to leave things alone. i need to stare straight ahead. and ignore whatever isn't specifically for me to do. but ahhh i want to help #and then of course my mom has this same habit and it annoys me when she does it yet i do it to other people and ahhhhhhhh #brain please just shut up. i need to sleep. i have to work tomorrow.

[rin-recovery]

Topic: Perseverance

Where I was to where I am today. Where I was, was that I gave up to the thoughts that came into my head at any given time. If I wanted to drink and OD that is what I did. If I wanted to hurt myself that is what I did. I never fought for anything expect for my boys, however I am sure that I would give them up in the end if I kept down the road that I was walking. When I walked into the rooms it was because I was told to. I relapsed and my SUD counselor did not know what to do with me. So I humored her and went to the rooms of AA. I did not think that the rooms would help in any way. I sat there listening to the stories and thinking to myself they wont be able to help me. I have D.I.D. I have 44 other personalities walking into this room with me who a lot of them find this a joke and do not want to be there. Covid has limited my options as to what rooms were meeting in person and what meetings were only online. I knew I needed an in-person meeting so I found one (the only one) and went. I sat there quite as a mouse never really saying much but listening. At the meeting they would say “go to 5 meeting, get a sponsor and get to work”. 5 meetings later, no sponsor and me thinking I could do it without the help. I was a dry drunk and it was not a pretty sight to see. 

On Aug 17th I was 41 days clean and had gone to 28 meeting and was loosing my mind and loosing the fight to stay sober. I was talked into going to the hospital after the 7 pm meeting. On my way to the hospital I texted a few girls from the meeting and let them know where I was going and also let them know that I would try harder to get a sponsor when I got out. I got out of the hospital a weekish later and kept down the same path. I hit the 60 days clean and sober mark without a sponsor because of fear. I was afraid of what they would say to me when they found out what they were getting into. 

On Sept 8th I text a lady to see if she would be my sponsor. She texted me back and said we could talk the next day. Mind you all I had interacted with her before this text was sent but like everything in my life fear had stopped me from asking in person. In fact one of the meetings she had called me out on not having a sponsor yet and I knew that day that I was going to ask because she scared me (in a good way) and I knew she was tough which is what I needed and need in my life. With 45 of us making choices a lot of the time we can out think most people in front of us. I am not saying it is a good thing all I am saying is that it does happen. So on 9/9/20 I showed up early to the meeting and sat down with her and talked. She ultimately said yes and after 39 meeting I had finally gotten a sponsor. I had persevered over my fear for that moment to step up and do something for myself. 

Now I would love to say that the last 2-3 months have been bliss and I do as my sponsor says and I have the best support system and I have not seen a day of crisis since but that is not how my story goes. The work did begin and I did work really hard to do everything that has been asked of me to do however remember the lovely fact that there is 45 of us and the majority do not want to be in treatment. We hit a wall when going through step 3. We got covid and was not able to get our vivitrol shot for the month of Nov! With not being able to get the shot all the cravings that I only have to half deal with were fully in my face and I shut down from the world around me. I was not able to go to meetings and I was shut in my house for 2 weeks with my kids who are both special needs and no outside help at all. It was a recipe for disaster and I was on the loosing end of it. I worked on Step 3 but I stopped making calls and I stopped going to zoom meeting because my kids needed my attention and I could not do both. I went from feeling like on top of the world to lower then dirt praying each day that I would not give into the cravings. My sleep got so off that I was sleeping all day and up all night hoping that I would not drink. It got worse when David’s job said that he had to test negative to come back to work so 2 weeks after the first test he got tested again and it still came back positive. I emailed the county health and they said we were fine to leave the house but his work said that he could not come back. We ended up just going back to church and I stayed away from the meetings for another week or so to make sure. which lead me to the road of a level of depression that was hard to deal with on my own. After missing a month of meetings and not seeing a point in picking up the phone to call I was on the road to relapse and I almost did over and over again. I was able to hold onto hope because I knew at some point I would be getting the shot I just needed to hold onto that. 

I was able to persevere last month because I knew there was an end in sight. I went in for that shot so happy and God stepped in without me knowing it. I saw the nurse before I saw the doctor and got the shot then went in to see the doctor for a 3 month check-in. Now remember my trip to the hospital in Aug. well that trip was over suicidal problems. Mind you after getting out of the hospital I have not been suicidal since, I have been highly depressed but not so low to want to end my life. The doctor was upset that I had seen the nurse and had gotten the shot before seeing her (God thing) because the shot can make people suicidal. She wanted me off vivitrol. My heart dropped to a low she will never understand. I calmly explained to her that I was no longer suicidal and that since getting out of the hospital I was fine. I also said that I would be at more of a risk of harm to not be on vivitrol then to deal with the small side effects and SI when I was more heavily that way before ever starting the shot then after. I am holding hope that she will not pull me from the shot as long as I can maintain a level of calm and not do anything dumb in the near future. 

I still don’t view my life as having to many perseverance's but I am hoping that by working Step 4 and start making my phone calls again that I will be able to beat this without a relapse. I know and I have said to a few people that I don’t have a relapse in me. I will be dead if David does not intervene or I will be in the hospital again for a longer stay then oneish weeks if David is able to get to me in time. That puts a lot of pressure on David to keep me alive and that is not fair to him, so I have to do my part in this and make sure that I never take that first drink EVER! 

There is so much more I could say on this topic but my brain is half asleep and not wanting to work anymore so I will leave it at that. I plan to try to write something on the AA topics that I go to. When I speak at meetings right now I am not making a lot of sense and for the most part I am not sure anyone can understand what I do say. I don’t really remember what I am saying which is due to the others . 

#aa #recovery #relapse #step 3 #step 4 #perserverance #vivitrol #mental health #mental disorder #did #dissociative alters #dissociative identity disorder #suicidal #tw depressing stuff

[c7thetumbler]

Life Update Notes: January 21, 2017

SO UH, BIG WEEKISH. I’ll actually be talking about real life important things. And then immediately backtracking on basically my only new years resolution still in tact.

Whelp.

I’m going to Dallas.

Wait, like, Texas?

Yeah so, I took a personality/basic thinking skills test week before last online for a company, and a few days later they were all like “30 min phone interview please?” and I was like Okay. I thought it was going to be an HR interview, because for those who don’t interview in programming, it typically goes:

Submit resume

Take Test

Hr interview

Phone interview with team

Technical interview via skype or with team

In person, very long tech interview

Get job

It’s fairly long. Here’s what happened

Submit Resume

Take really easy test

HR intervi- oshit there are technical questions uh, UH FUCK I missed half of them

Oh, I’m taking the second half of the test again

Job offer

So yeah, I’m suspicious. Doesn’t really matter though: they pay alright (for a software engie job, they pay *great* for an entry-level job compared to most millenials) and I’m just looking to get some experience on my resume. Some *real* experience. After over a year and a half on the market and over 300 job apps... I gotta take what I can get. 

So I’m going to be spending most of the next few weeks packing and moving to Dallas! .... So I wobn’t be able to work on projects much at all (though to be fair, I’m falling super far behind already). More on that tomorrow I guess.

Let’s Rant About “Fake News”

Imma keep this short. This “Fake News” label is bullshit. Don’t fucking use it. If a site is using clickbait articles and just lying, call them untrustworthy, and cite it.

Trump and his supporters have recently taken up the policy of calling things “Fake News,” but you may have noticed it’s only things they disagree with. Is InfoWars, a site where an angry idiotic dumbass looks at bullshit he found online and then screams into the microphone fake news? Nah, but an actual shot comparing his inauguration crowd to Obama’s 2009 one are.

These were taken both around the both time in both Presidents’ speeches. However, The_Donald and other similar such supporters are calling it fake news. How? Well, they found this shot instead:

So this must be “Fake News” Right? Surely there are way more in the second picture than the first.

However, this is the perfect example of what I’m talking about. They’ve picked the thing that best fits their narrative, and in this case perspective, to skew the facts into fiction, again in this case literally, to suit their purposes. This is a low-to-the-ground perspective shot. In the aerial shot, You could count individual people in the audience if you really tried. But on this shot? You would be hard pressed to even count individually after the fountain. It is impossible to see how many people are there from the second one. The white ground that highlights the emptiness in the first shot are completely covered up by the bodies in front of them. This could easily be the same crowd.

So why pick this apart? What’s the big deal?

Allowing Trump, and by extension his reporters, to call things “Fake News” simply because he doesn’t like them sets a dangerous precedent. 

It gives him complete control of the narrative, and his rabid fans the capability to discredit any actual facts that Trump has to ignore to support his goals. This is dangerous, this is bad, and it all ties into my first rant this year:

Facts are facts. Do your research on everything someone says is bullshit, and everything someone says is true when the consequences of either are this important. Just remember: find out the source.

This applies to both sides as well: the narrative that upper picture sets up is pretty damning, but it’s misleading for another reason: DC is mostly Democratic, not Republican. Even if he had won the popular vote, this is what it would’ve looked like anyway.

And violence is uncalled for. You want to peacefully protest? Al for it: freedom of speech and all that. But that applies to the other guys too, especially for people who don’t agree with you. Yes, that Nazi deserved to be punched in the face. I’d be lying if I said I’m not happy he did. But that���s not my call, that wasn’t the guy who did it’s call, and his right to come out and say whatever the fuck he wants extends to you. Don’t be doing that shit: violence doesn’t prove to anyone who is right or wrong.

What did I play last week?

.... Nothing new. Sorry  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

... So yeah, that’s about it!

#Life Update #Rant #Fake News #Holy Fuck I'm moving