#into thinking a soul is something that concretely exists and can be easily defined

[troonwolf]

I always forget I was legit there when endogenic and alterhuman were coined and that alterhuman was intentionally coined as “a catch-all for all inhuman identities, including alters”. and when DID systems tried to say we’re not comfortable with being lumped in with kin and “natural multiplicity” identities, and that this could actively be dangerous to equate a mental health issue with a spiritual issue, everyone just ignored us.

now I even occasionally see anti-endo DID systems unwittingly use the word alterhuman or get involved in that community. when the label was coined by an endogenic system who also coined endo (or was in the vicinity of the person who did, bad memory. it all happened in the same timeframe/social cliques tho)

so just to be clear. endogenic and alterhuman were branch-offs from kin and soulbonding, and the entire point of the definition was to force an inherently mismatched community together, even with dozens of mentally ill people telling them this is a terrible and dangerous idea.

that was also the time in my life I was constantly told things like “alters aren’t even real, they’re just symptoms. natural headmates and soulbonds are real living people though. idk why there’s even a debate about it when my soulbonds are just real people and DID alters aren’t.”

which led to several alters denying their trauma for years and to this day they can’t remove the concept of personhood from damaging concepts of toxic spirituality but that’s a story for another day <3

#syscourse #anti endo #endo cult #IF I DUN HAVE SOUL AM I EVEN REAL??? #buddy your mistake there was allowing weirdos on the internet brainwash you #into thinking a soul is something that concretely exists and can be easily defined #I've been having the same argument with this mans for over half a decade now #because we went from a irl situation where we were actually cult-programmed #to another situation where anti-psychiatry idiots reinforced that programming #now I got a broken alter who asks me stupid questions about free will all day #which I am not fucking equipped to answer #I'm always just like #man how about we simply not worry about it T___T #idek if regular humans have free will dawg pls

[flickeringart]

Neptune aspecting Mercury and Venus

(Continuation of my post “Neptune aspecting the Sun and Moon”)

Mercury aspecting Neptune

Mercury is representative of deductive reasoning, of communication and learning, of exchange of information and social interaction. Mercury is essentially representative of the mental faculties, the ability to draw conclusions based on the gathering of information. Mercury represents the intellect, the most commonly applied tool for understanding and navigating the world around the self. It’s the tool that makes connections, that defines and discriminates. The intellect is a divisive mechanism that breaks things down and distinguishes every little part to discover its function and purpose within the whole.

Mercury aspecting Neptune often lends itself to a very creative mind and an ability to articulate and communicate nuances. It also seems to lend itself to a vivid imagination – an ability to paint a picture with words or portray an archetypal energy through mimicry and acting. The conjunction is the most intense of the aspects and the benefits as well as the debilitations are felt more acutely. While Mercury-Neptune has the ability to “enchant” with words and easily navigate the world of imagery and fairytales, the real world void of magic can be less easy to navigate. Taylor Swift has the conjunction and she’s a great example of someone who is a storyteller through songwriting. She essentially takes the interactions of her everyday life and turns it into magic – something that is universal and appeals to people world wide. Music has the ability to glamorize the most dull and ordinary and elevate it to new heights. There’s a might to music and it speaks to people on the feeling level. Music, movies and theater for that matter have the goal to affect people, to mirror their inner life and strike a note on some level of the psyche. Mercury-Neptune comes with the risk of being easily affected by words and a tendency to read into things more than necessary. Sometimes the meaning of another person’s words can be distorted and made to fit the person’s own preferred narrative. This is a huge problem, especially for the conjunction - sometimes words that actually carry weight can be made out to mean anything. Furthermore, in overlooking the concrete – that which is spelled out loud and clear, there door is wide open to make mistakes and blunders when tending to details, and in real life this can have dire consequences. Reading too much into things or not reading enough into things seems to be the problem. Neptune refines whatever planet it touches and this can make for a real ability to work with subtleties, but the more subtle something is, the less dense and concrete it is. The more sensitive the instrument, the more susceptible it is to suggestion and manipulation. Fantasy and imagination is inextricably merged with the intellect with this aspect.

The trine and the sextile aspects from Neptune to Mercury similarly lends themselves to a feeling for subtlety when communicating and thinking. The trine is more of a natural modus operandi while the sextile is more of a skill that can be used and activated through conscious cooperation. Mercury-Neptune can potentially cause a propensity for lying, not because of a need for a control but because of a natural tendency to distort information. This is as true for the conjunction as the trine, while the sextile might take some deliberation. The tendency to convey information in the most romanticized and creative fashion might border on lying because it leaves people with no grasp of the cold and hard facts. Mercury-Neptune is not good with the plain, cut and dry message transferring – these people thinks in images and imbue everything they convey with a touch of story-telling.

The square from Neptune to Mercury, seems to make the native very serious in creative pursuits. There’s effort and strain that is required because of conflict felt between the intellect and the vault of dreams and fantasy. Usually, the native displays criticism of their work and is skeptically inclined toward their own influence or the value of their own artistic pursuits. Amy Winehouse had the square in her chart and she was quite hard on herself although the public loved her. Even in people who aren’t pursuing an artistic path, the Mercury –Neptune square will cause the person to undervalue any talents and dreams that they have, yet be pressed to develop and fulfill them. David Bowie is also a great example of this type of person – on the one hand there’s nebulousness and chaotic creativity, on the one hand there’s analyzing and mental discernment that is unforgiving. Donald Trump also has the square, quite the business man, yet he’s not someone who is able to stick to the purely factual– he manufactures his own story, his own narrative that people, to a large extent, wants to buy. He speaks to the masses and moves them emotionally, some say he’s profoundly stupid, some says his wits are underestimated. This is typical of the square, there’s tension between the two planets and one cannot take credit for both ends. Either one sacrifices Mercury and looks mad and deranged, or one sacrifices Neptune and appears overly critical and rational – even cold and unfeeling.

The opposition aspect is in turn linked to extremism – the native must try to balance intellectual discernment with emotional receptivity. Too much of one thing will be to the detriment of the other. While the square produces conflict and tension, the opposition can give the ability to abandon one planet in favor of the other. Yoko Ono has this aspect and she has obviously been a big advocate of peace and love (Neptune), sometimes to the detriment of rhyme and reason. She has suggested that “direct communication” is the only way to true communication, but of course, this is only possible in the womb, if even then. The great gift of the opposition is the ability to abandon reason, to experience everything and hold onto nothing, to not label and impose judgment. However, it’s not difficult to see the consequences for this sacrifice.

(Buy products with my art)

Venus aspecting Neptune

Venus is representative of love and beauty, of femininity and sociability. The planet is linked to that which is of value, worthy of display and admiration. It also has something to do with preferences, style and talent. Venus is the one attracting Mars, that instigates desire, that draws him in. That which instigates our desire is powerful because it dictates action. Venus has a lot to do with money because it’s a marker and a measure of value – and people want to have as much as possible of it in order to be comfortable and socially desirable. Venus also has to do with partnership and marriage, and in order to catch someone’s eye, one has to be beautiful and appealing.

Neptune conjunct Venus is truly the height of love. While Venus is more personal and more social in nature, Neptune is the collective urge for redemption, the pull to touch something sacred. Neptune in us wants it all, the magic of enchantment that belongs to fairytales. Ordinary human love, which is more about feeling esteemed within a social context and desired for specific qualities, is not cutting it. With these planets conjunct, the person craves the total submerging with the one and only beloved in one’s heart and in other people’s hearts. Neptunian love is based on the mutual longing for something eternally blissful, the garden of Eden, the ultimate escape. This longing exist in all human beings to a larger or lesser extent, but it certainly unifies us and in some ways confirm our basic vulnerability and need for redemption. When Neptune and Venus are conjunct it would seem as if the person is very compassionate and understanding of people’s hearts. No doubt one can be very soothing and able to see the beloved one in all people one meets, which can be wonderful but also overwhelming and exhausting. The person is certainly capable of being accepting of all people, even to the point of allowing things that shouldn’t be allowed. Disillusionment can dawn brutally on these types since they have strong investment in the pure and untainted love that can only be kept alive in fantasy. These planets aspecting each other is a setup for being in love with love. Love for these types might not be about a specific person, they might seek out someone for their ability to mirror them. In other words, it would be difficult to love a person for their individuality because one would seek out someone with enough receptivity and mutability in order to find something of oneself in the other. Of course, this seems to be the nature of love despite Venus aspecting Neptune or not. We only ever fall in love with ourselves, although we’re unconscious of the fact. The only reason we’re ever drawn to someone is because we see something of ourselves in them. For people with Venus-Neptune contacts this phenomenon is taken to new heights. Liking and being fond of something yet knowing that that person or thing is different from oneself is entirely different from feeling a sense of union and yearning that is the oceanic deity calling a person home. With Neptune, the love object is the answer to all prayers and the remedy for all one’s troubles and pains. This is of course never quite true and the disappointment that follows upon the clearing of the intoxicating mist can be very scary and deeply depressing. Personal love, marriage and commitment might be idealized to the point of absurdity.

The trine and the sextile aspects are less intense compared to the conjunction, but they similarly denote a refined taste and a appreciation of artistry and music – anything that touches people’s souls inexplicably and profoundly. Typically, all Venus-Neptune aspects indicate a need to be loved unconditionally and to love unconditionally. Both of these harmonious aspects denote a very compassionate nature and a tendency to idealize and glamourize love. One is naturally very generous with one’s outpouring of affection, even when one’s own heart is broken. The trine indicates that the person is innately and naturally mirroring other people’s beauty. Escapism and distortion of reality is one’s way of being, it is not an acquired skill but rather something that’s a given. It’s probably easy to over-indulge in pleasure in order to escape the dreary everyday existence. In fact, when things get too hard, this is exactly what this type is likely to do. The sextile is more of a skill that is available for use. In other words, one is able to stimulate a bit of Neptune’s magic and universality in one’s style of expressing love – adding a bit of glamour, unattainability and fantasy in the mix. Conscious cooperation is required though, it’s not as if the sextile is going to cause over-indulgence as soon as one lets go of inhibitions.

The square aspect typically brings doubt and friction, when Neptune and Venus are involved, the conflict is between one’s personal value(s) and the recognition of oneness. Usually, the ugly side of Neptune comes out more readily. One wants to attain something special and magical but since one is not attuned enough or certain of one’s own preferences and values neither planet gets fulfilled or satisfied. Kim Kardashian has this square and she is never quite satisfied with her appearance (Venus), which is why she spends to much time perfecting it. She wants so badly to embody the ideal (Neptune) yet can’t seem to close the gap between her own personal look and the otherworldly refinement that Neptune represents. What ends up happening is that she becomes too artificial, some would even call her grotesque – she simply can’t find peace with imperfection – everything has to be sweet and pretty to the point that the coin flips and everything turns ugly. Although Neptune is usually associated with spirituality and the beauty of the divine, it is also associated with dissolution and disintegration – which often manifests as madness. Kim Kardashian has many times been rude or downright aggressive because of her vanity and venusian pride. Madonna also has this square and she certainly falls in the category of people who care enormously about their appearance, being attractive and young even up until old age. Venus is the goddess of youth and beauty and Neptune holds the promise of redemption through the planet(s) that it aspects. It’s easy to see how this square relationship between the planets could run amok. If youth is the gate to heaven, one would be willing to go very far in order to not let the imperfections stop heaven from becoming a reality. When it comes to love and relationships there’s inevitability of disappointment and uncertainty – one tends to look for the perfect partner yet no one can be it all in terms of fulfilling the dream because the standards are set too high. On the flip side, the standards can also be too low, because of the Neptunian tendency is to either be unrealistically idealistic or stubbornly accepting and passive in destructive situations.

The opposition aspect doesn’t typically bring out the obsession with perfect love and beauty. It makes the individual aware that love, in it’s selfish guise of wanting another person or object tied to the self in some way because of good looks and style, is antithetical to universal love. In a sense, personal love must be sacrificed for communion with the source of life, that which many people call God – or, God must be sacrificed for ordinary human seduction, value and pleasure.  These are the people who are only looking to touch the source of life through love and union, nothing more. They’re not looking to simple hedonistic pleasures or superficial adornments. If they do, they’re doing it at the detriment of true compassion and communion with all of life. George Harrison had this opposition in his chart and so had Bob Marley. Both were musicians, both used drugs and both had a deep urge for spirituality. Both emphasized the importance of the connection with God and pointed out the triviality of worldly matters. Venus, is to an extent, quite earthy and materialistic. She cares about being nice, looking nice and behaving in a way that causes others to admire her. It seems like Harrison lost his first marriage because of incessant drug use and infidelities. Neptune is boundless and is everywhere and anywhere – there was no way Venus, ruling marriage and social contracts, could conquer the pull of the promise of ecstatic union. With the opposition, either special partnership/marriage or God is the pursuit, neither can exists in conjunction with the other.  

#neptune #neptune conjunct venus #neptune trine venus #neptune sextile venus #neptune square venus #neptune opposition venus #neptune square mercury #neptune trine mercury #neptune sextile mercury #neptune opposition mercury #neptune conjunct mercury #neptune aspects #astrology #aspects with neptune #neptune in the natal chart #venus #mercury #astrology post #aspects in astrology #love #communication

[liukangofficial]

First of all I love everything you’ve written for the boys so far, bless, doing amazing, LOVE IT thank you for this nourishment of my soul

But I really love how you write Kung Lao as like, a -little bit- of a fuckboy, and how Liu Kang is patiently adoring of him, so cute.

(Like in that interview, where they said that Kung Lao sort of became Liu Kang’s shield, I can so easily imagine that socially where Kung Lao uses his naturally outgoing personality to deflect attention away from Liu Kang, ugg god I just love the relationship dynamic so much)

WAH thank YOU for consuming my content and being here to share liulao thoughts while we are in this draught sobs

im hollering that my kung lao came across as a fuckboy JQKKSKWK but no yes thats exactly my thoughts on mk2021!kung lao..... i really vibe with the earlier versions of him who actually didn’t care about becoming champion and just wanted to mind his business, AND NOW WE HAVE A VERSION OF HIM WHO’S CHAMPION FROM THE START ?! oml the duty complex that i imagine that boy has.

i loved writing him leaning into his bravado + the weight of his title and really wanted to explore how a lot of that is just a front, courtesy of #just“i’ve had this duty for so long i can remember that my identity ended up growing around it and now i don’t know how to extract myself from it without falling apart”things, and how my liu kang understands very deeply what it’s like to have something define such a core part of you so young, hence him “suffering” kung lao’s projected cockiness with that fondly exasperated love. he Knows that it’s a defense mechanism for kung lao, but he doesn’t have it all figured out yet either and doesn’t know yet how to completely help kung lao past that (BC HE BELIEVES WITH HIS ENTIRE BEING THAT KUNG LAO HAS NOTHING TO PROVE TO ANYONE DAMMIT [slams head into concrete]). i think that awareness goes both ways for my versions of them, but neither of them really know how to cope with it yet bc they’re still young and have yet to fight in their first tournament, so they kind of “default” into this dynamic because it’s easy for them if that makes sense. would u believe me if i said thats originally what i started writing Coda to explore for, until my brain decided to switch gears to pwp 😭😭😭😭

ok and i also want to talk about this “kung lao is liu kang’s shield” business bc I LOVE IT SO MUCH U DON’T UNDERSTAND........ my kung lao def thinks of liu kang the same way max thinks of him as kind of “innocent,” except liu kang is ?? not ?? but it’s this whole thing in my head where kung lao wants to shield him out of this desire to protect liu kang from what he knows is an unkind world, but not realizing that liu kang already knows and has SEEN an even unkinder version of it already — and liu kang doing his own quiet kind of shielding by letting kung lao be protective because he knows it’s just a defense thing, but also by finding ways to remind kung lao that he can exist (and is worthy to exist) without the “destiny” thats been thrust on him. like a silent game of “who’s protecting who” but both of them believing they’re the one doing the protecting and not realizing they need the other’s protection too and YES those two things can coexist and . SOBS listen. Listen theres so much of them to write about i want to scream

but tldr, liulao being each other’s shields in this fucked up world, but also being the only ones who can see each other past their OWN shields — and maybe not knowing yet atp how to get past them, but by god will they stand by each other and until the other lets them in

#if the kung lao in my brain could speak in any of my fics yet.....hes so sad like widjqjfnwk i have so many feelings about him #sometimes i think i relate more to liu kang but i have one (1) thought about kung lao and its all downhill from there #hes so fascinating!!!!! AND HE DESERVES THE WORLD!!!!! #they both deserve a life of love and peace and preferably with each other 😔 #stopputtingtheburdenofsavingtheworldonkids2021 #im getting ahead of myself i dont want to spoil it ahead of my wip but kl believing for so long he can protect lk #and lk going out of his mind at the lengths kl will evidently go to protect him until one day it ignites an argument of #lk telling him HE DOESNT NEED HIS PROTECTION bc if kl ever gets hurt protecting an innocence THAT HE HASNT HAD FOR A LONG TIME..... #and kl finally finding out the truth about his past. #no i am losing my marbles #thoughts #LONG POST #*&2@;& IM SORRY #does this make any sense #its 730am i woke up and saw this ask and immediately started replying at 630 #IF THISISNT COHERENT IM SORRY ANON FOR BEING SO SCATTERED #wait also i want to reiterate this all just my own interpretation and headcanoning plz dont feel obligated to feel the same way #until max huang and ludi lin give us that spinoff we just have 2 survive on Thoughts . im miserable

[readingsbylibramc]

birth chart reading for @marramamba

hello! welcome to your reading. I’m gonna give you a quick overview of what I’m going to analyze about your natal chart. feel free to ask me anything if something isn’t clear, of course. you’ll find out your dominants’ influence on your persona, your physical appearance, impression on others and the way you approach the world; your ego, identity, the real you; your reactions, your desires, inner emotions; your way of expressing your feelings, your mind and ideas; your desires and approach to love; your energy tank, instincts and temperament; in-depth analysis of each house with their rulers and analysis of heavy aspects; love life + soulmates/karmic partners interpretation; your relationship with your friends; your family life; your approach to career and work in general + possible jobs suggestion; your style, fashion sense analysis; life purpose and past life description; basic transits’ analysis to describe your current mood and, last but not least, your secret skills, how to make the most out of your soul and manifest what you desire based on your birth chart.

🦋 chart shape, dominants

your chart is a locomotive shape. this means that you're a very ambitious person, with a lot of energy. mars has a big influence on you, and your life revolves around working hard to achieve success with confidence and motivation. the empty part of your life is what you have to develop, hence your career, mental health and also your relationship with your family or future family.

your dominant planets are mercury, uranus and the sun. you're very clever, you have great problem-solving skills and it's easy for you to come up with innovative ideas. you're also a captivating speaker, you're able to convince others with your words as you're particularly charismatic.

your dominant sign is aquarius. you're eccentric and rebel, you don't like being told what to do. you're very considerate of others, as you focus more on the development of a group rather than your persona. that's because you want the people you frequent to be as open-minded as you are. aquarius people are capable of elaborating different ideas in a short amount of time; hence, you either overwork yourself, or you're not able to keep up with all your ideas, leaving projects unfinished.

your dominant element is air. in your life, you adore seeking for knowledge of any kind. you may be interested in studying different subjects, from those you study at school like science, maths, literature etc. to more unconventional ones, such as astrology, psychology, criminology and so on. you enjoy interacting with people; even if you’re not that sociable, you’ll still be interested in their point of view and their ideals, as you see it as a way to expand your own mind. you’re also interested in vintage, and you may have a retro aesthetic or just like history in general.

🌎 ascendant in virgo, 21° / 3rd decan ruled by mercury and venus

you have a practical approach to the world. you’re kind of logical, it’s hard for you to improvize. you always want to keep everything neat and organized, at least in your mind. you could have a natural coldness to your face. you may seem younger than you are, but still very mature and responsible. with your attentive eyes, you pay attention to every single detail you see. you’re a perfectionist, and you always want and try to be at your best state. I would say you’re quite competitive when it comes to your goals, but you don’t really do it to be above others. you do it because your obsession for details kind of stresses you out. improving and proving yourself is a way to boost your self-esteem, you feel fulfilled when you can achieve your goals. you are extremely intelligent and logical, you’re always up for a deep talk or simply for an occasion to gain more knowledge. you like being smart, you always want to know about everything. even the latest, trendy meme counts for you. your nature is very cautious; you’re rarely impulsive, you always think deeply about your decisions, as you don’t want to commit any mistakes. because of that, you can be particularly picky. not only with material things such as movies, books, food etc. but even with people. it’s hard for you to open up to someone you don’t know at all. you take things slow, both in friendships and in relationships, just to preserve yourself. you may come off as kind of snobby, but you’re just misunderstood. you don’t like flaky bonds, you need security in your life. physically, as I’ve already mentioned before, you have this kind of strict look on your face. your eyes may be almond-shaped, and you could have a natural feline gaze. overall, you have something smaller about your features; you could have thin lips, a small nose, small eyes… you could have a smaller frame with thin bones, and you don’t gain weight easily. you may be of average height, and I’ve noticed that most virgos tend to have pretty long legs? no matter if they’re tall or not, their legs will still be longer than their bust.

virgo ascendant opposite pisces venus: this aspect makes you more sociable and prone to interact with people. you’re also most probably very attractive, people are naturally drawn to you. the downside of this placement is that you may suffer from self-esteem issues, as you really care about others’ impression of you. maybe you’re a little bit clumsy too. it’s easy for you to gain popularity, but be careful as it’s not always good. popularity brings scandals too, so people you see in your everyday life could possibly start gossips around you. the good thing about this aspect is that you emanate loyalty, so you usually choose loyal and trust-worthy partners. this placement may also bring issues and problems in marriage with your future partner.

virgo ascendant opposite pisces jupiter: you probably learn a lot from people around you. you're most likely surrounded by wise, spiritual and possibly foreign individuals in your life. they help you to grow up, both spiritually and mentally. this placement also softens your rough scorpio image, making you look more outgoing and approachable. you're also very open-minded, and you rarely have prejudices. the downside to this placement is that you may be depend too much on your friends or lovers, especially when it comes to your beliefs. you're easy to influence, and you may change your mind often if others disagree with you. you could possibly have high expectations from others, creating a false idea of those who surround you. at least, you're aware of your abilities and you have the potential to make the most out of them, but you're modest about it. you don't come off as bossy, as other jupiter - asc aspects would.

🌞 sun in aquarius, 18° / 2nd decan ruled by the sun and mercury

this is the most intelligent aquarius decan. even though you may face some insecurities, you’re typically a strong-minded person. you strive for independence, as you focus your existence on your witty intellect. you have the ability to achieve great things, as your mind is literally revolutionary, even though you may struggle to make those projects concrete. a downside to this placement is that you may not give enough importance to your words; you’re brutally honest, and you may often hurt someone with your thoughts. even though you may appreciate it, as you don’t like it when people aren’t straight-forward, you probably don’t realize the effect your words can have on others. you’re also quite stubborn, and you take particular pride about your ideals. you may feel offended when people disagree with you. or maybe, you don’t even say your opinions, because you could be aware of the weight of your words and you don’t want to hurt others, or you’re afraid of being judged. people may define you as cold, but you’re really not. you just struggle to look sweet like other signs, and your heavy scorpio energy doesn’t help either. you’re more detached, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t have emotions.

aquarius sun square scorpio moon: with this aspect, what you need and what you want tend to clash. in your case, your aquarius sun wants to be in the spotlight, you want to be sociable and have fun. you want to go out often and live life to the fullest, while your scorpio moon is more private, it prefers being alone. as a result, you may come off as unpredictable and / or indecisive. you could struggle with being optimistic, as you have this inner turmoil in you that makes you struggle to attract positive situations in your life. you may often feel conflicted, as if you didn't have control over your emotions. you may have unstable self-esteem, one day you could be feeling extra confident and happy with yourself and then the next day you feel very insecure, you want to change everything about your persona. you could feel unwanted, or perhaps you actually used to feel unwanted during your childhood, perhaps by your parents, relatives or even by other children at school. you're basically a walking paradox, you want both intimacy and independence, stability and flexibility.

aquarius sun conjunct aquarius mercury: you express your ego and identity through your words and ideas. you’re very opinionated and you protect strongly your beliefs. after all, you probably came up with your ideals after thinking deeply about them, you were too precise to be wrong. you’re also probably an avid reader, and you could do well in writing yourself, as you’re able to properly convey your ideals with your words. your mind is very active, and you feel comfortable letting all your thoughts out. it’s actually a way to relieve stress. you also have a wide vocabulary, and you’re capable of making a formal speech if you have to. you have a memorable way of speaking, as your words are very sharp. it’s hard for you to be ignored for your intellect. the downside to this placement is that you may be a bit too stubborn, you struggle to accept advice as you prefer doing your thing instead.

🌙 moon in scorpio, 15° / 2nd decan ruled by pluto and neptune

with your moon in scorpio, you’re way more secretive and cautious than most aquarius people. you tend to preserve yourself, even though it’s hard for you to repress your emotions, as they’re too to intense to bottle them up. you absorb people’s feelings like a sponge, there’s no way that you won’t instantly understand their real emotions. overall, you tend to overreact a lot. dealing with these emotional burnouts may be stressing to you, as you totally get caught up in them. even if it looks like you get to know other people often, you actually don’t let others know you. you’re the type of person to talk and socialize, but you never reveal your deepest fears and thoughts to strangers. you only open up to people you’re sure you can trust. when you’re angry, you can literally go as far as using violence; you need to let out your emotions by screaming, swearing… anything that can make you feel better. I’ve noticed that scorpio moons, when they don’t get rid of all their negative vibes when angry, they tend to get physically sick; you could get stomachaches, or maybe even headaches. there’s a secret, sensitive side in you that needs passionate and romantic partners in love. yet, you can’t help but feel more attracted to the ones that may hurt you badly. you’re possibly quite sensitive to higher entities too, like ghosts, spirits and stuff like that.

scorpio moon square aquarius mercury: your thoughts and feelings are constantly in contrast with each other. your aquarius mercury desires freedom and social interactions, your scorpio moon wants intimacy and privacy. this results in indecisiveness, you change your mind pretty often, and that can cause you conflicts due to communication problems. you're also pretty opinionated, you don't hide your feelings when you act by impulse, even though you may feel guilty about it: you are very sensitive, you want to treat people well, but you could be impulsive or sarcastic and hurt people. at least, the positive side of this placement is that you're probably very intellectual, capable of taking in consideration both the subjective and objective side of an argument.

🗣 mercury in aquarius, 21° / 3rd decan ruled by uranus and mercury

mercury is exalted in the sign of aquarius, so this is definitely a beneficial placement! you have a very distinctive way of thinking and speaking. you don't like being like others, you don't follow trends. you're probably the trendsetter, and you may find confidence and pride in your ideas and opinions. some may even define you weird, but you have very strong beliefs that could actually be helpful for the world. you're quite 'ahead' of others from this point of view, you're able to find beauty in things without being influenced by others. for example, you may follow a fashion trend before it gets viral. you are able to come up with very innovative ways of solving problems, you're extremely creative. you may even be the type to invent your own words, or perhaps you love learning and reading new words, you have a wide vocabulary. you're also probably interested in science and any darker or logical topic, you want to use your words and theories to change something in the world. you want to leave an impact, maybe even help others through your mind. you have a very witty sense of humor, you most likely speak fluent sarcasm and you're also very astute. I would say that the only problem with this placement is that you may come off as a know-it-all. you're proud of your intellect, you can't help but show it off, but obviously others may be jealous of you or feel attacked. for your voice, I assume you have a very particular tone, maybe even a nasal voice.

❤️ venus in pisces, 13° / 2nd decan ruled by neptune and the moon

you’re hopelessly romantic, to the point that you almost look naive. you’re not simply looking for a partner or spouse, you’re looking for a soulmate; someone you can literally communicate with just using your eyes, someone that knows how to make you feel even messier on the inside. you like to nurture and feel nurtured in a relationship. your ideal lover would be sensitive and empathetic, yet still with a sort of rebel vibe to them. this placement is indeed very lovely, but it has its downsides too, of course. the problem is, pisces makes you idealize your crushes/partners way too much, to the point that you create an image of someone in your head that turns out to be the opposite at the end. you ignore your partner’s flaws, as they seem perfect to you. pisces also attracts 'broken’ persons, so you may be prone to find yourself people with any kind of illness or addiction. you also have the tendency to fall for people who may hurt you because they’re unavailable, either physically or emotionally. you could possibly also crush on celebrities, movie characters etc. that’s because you’re more the type to fall in love with love, rather than with the actual person.

pisces venus square sagittarius pluto: you find yourself having crushes on random people often, love at first sight is common for you. but when you seriously fall for someone, they’re your only thought. you start searching for info about them online, and you wanna become part of their life too. you love intensely, but not everyone may enjoy that. there are people that could feel overwhelmed by your love, others that would vibe with you and offer you the same kind of affection. ironically, you tend to attract detached, manipulative people that most of the times don’t want anything serious. you’re prone to get jealous and possessive very easily, and this makes you suffer, as you may think there’s something wrong with you. maybe, it may even remind you of something that happened during your childhood, perhaps your parents were also very protective of you. love for you is a constant grow; your relationships will be hard, but there’ll always be something to learn to improve yourself and your confidence. little side-note, you may often date karmic partners, aka partners from your past lives, so you may often experience this 'I’ve already seen you before’-vibe in your new encounters and relationships, and you’ll always learn something from all your relationships.

☄️ mars in scorpio, 4° / 1st decan ruled by pluto

you’re an extremely goal-oriented person. you want to be the best at everything you do, not only to be better than others but also the best for yourself. you’re very astute, it’s impossible to trick you, and you always find a way to be in charge and get what you want. yet, you can get quite obsessed about your goals, that you could do extreme things to get what you want. in fact, people with this placement can even manipulate others, as they’re totally capable of doing that. in addition, your venus being in pisces makes you extremely charming. people are naturally attracted to you, you have a way with words, and hence you’re always able to convince others into giving you what you want. but luckily, this doesn’t turn into manipulation, you probably don’t even realize this skill of yours, and hence you don’t use it to damage others. you are very persuasive, but you don't do it on purpose, you could actually be a little naive. when you get angry, you could actually get scary, though. your emotions are very intense, it’s hard to calm you down. mixed with your aquarius mercury, you may be very sarcastic and aggressive with your words. you could hurt people, but you don’t do it on purpose. most of the time, you don’t even mean the things you say. you may also vent your anger with physical action, hence you could slam doors, punch or break things etc.

scorpio mars opposite aries saturn: this placement indicates that something or someone is trying to restrict you, they're trying to prevent you from following your dreams and taking your own choices for your life. that someone is most likely an individual that has a lot on impact on you, it's someone very authoritative. or perhaps, it may even be a bully or abuser of any sort or just your insecurity to hold you back. as a result, you either rebel and get extremely angry, or you hide all of your disappointment inside of you. but soon or after, all of your intense feelings are going to eat you alive if you keep going like this, it's a very unhealthy behaviour. you could find it extra hard to achieve your goals, as when you try you always come across some hardships. what matters the most, is that you try to be more positive, you could even try manifesting more patience or serenity. you can't hold onto anger so much, or it will just fill you with negativity that could damage you. let it all go, focus on your goals and try to understand how to be more patient. in fact, you may often feel like you need to do everything as soon as possible, when it's not like that. you can allow yourself to be more calm and live life as it comes, it will make you feel much better with yourself and you'll also get more mature, which is crucial to learn your saturnian lessons and increase your self-confidence.

🏡 houses

your 1st house is in virgo. you appear as someone intelligent, possibly judgmental and critical. in fact, you’re a perfectionist, and most of the time you appreciate it when someone takes care of themselves just as much as you do. you’re also particularly pessimistic, and this could be annoying for those around you. you’re very logical, even though you probably don't lack intuition thanks to all the water energy in your chart. you’re very pragmatic, and you may even be judgmental.

your 2nd house is in libra. you find beauty and aesthetic in material things; you most probably love clothes, art, music… anything that isn’t exactly a priority in life, but that allows you to express your personal taste, which is very refined. with this placement I’d suggest that you should pursue a career that allows you to express your creativity, as arts and beauty allow you not only to make money, but also to increase your security and confidence. you could also spend money in venusian things like clothes, make-up, decorations and anything that involves beauty and aesthetic. with mars placed in this house, I feel like you may be very fond of money. you could do something just to earn material things from it, like money or any other good that satisfies your wants. you may be quite materialistic, you enjoy the finer things in life, or at least you want to be financially stable. you like the idea of saving money, but ironically you may be too impulsive when it comes to finances and spend money in random things you may not need. the moon is also sitting here: you try to avoid conflicts when you can. this placement makes you crave stability, whether it's financial, in love etc. you must be very stubborn, as taurus (2nd house) is a fixed sign. this placement, paired with your imaginative water energy, makes you settle on making your ideas concrete, and it's very beneficial. it makes you capable of achieving any goals in your life. you're also very artsy, and you may fancy particular art styles. you have a good eye for aesthetics, and you care a lot about the looks of your house, body, clothes etc. you have excellent concentration, and that is another thing that helps you achieve your goals and make your ideas concrete.

your 3rd house in scorpio, with also pluto placed there. you probably love witty jokes and sarcasm. you’re extremely honest when you think and speak, and most of the times you have no problems expressing your opinions. you could possibly be very good with words and be good at convincing and manipulating others. usually this placement makes someone kind of mischievous when it comes to words, but I think that with all the aquarius influence in your chart, you’re able to control this in order not to hurt others. your mind is very deep, you’re probably not really into small talks. you may also love anything that is considered taboo, like astrology, horror, nudity, death… you’re also quite secretive, you’re seen as an enigma. you don’t want to share much about you. last but not least, you value honesty above all. you only speak the truth, and hence you also want it back. you may as well be into conspiracy theories, science and anything that can expose what’s behind the universe, the government etc.

your 4th house is in sagittarius. you could come from a foreign place, or perhaps you moved houses a lot during your childhood. perhaps, you have someone in your family that is from a different culture or religion from yours, or perhaps they’re able to speak more than one language. your parents could have been very successful at school, they could actually be professors. you might’ve always been a smart kid, you could’ve grown up learning more languages and you were most likely good at school too. you also got to make lots of experiences during your childhood, you might have travelled a lot. your relationship with your family is most likely very good. it could be that there might have been a few misunderstandings between you and your parents, but nothing too serious. maybe, they could have been a bit distant, it could be that they had to travel a lot for work and hence you felt lonely; or maybe, it's the opposite, they were a bit too affectionate and overwhelming, possibly possessive too, and you may have been babied or spoiled a bit too much. yet, this didn't really affect your growth and mentality, so it's probably nothing important.

your 5th house is in the sign of capricorn, with also your neptune, sun, mercury and uranus placed there. capricorn usually brings a feeling of seriousness to the house it’s in. I don’t think it’s your case, though. in fact, neptune, is also placed in this house. you could be a bit more introverted, probably you’re not the type to frequent clubs, parties, etc. you’re more serious from that point of view. your hobbies could actually drain your energy for you; let’s suppose you’re into videogames. you could literally spend the whole day playing videogames, as you take your hobbies very seriously. you’re not the type to start a project and then leave it, and it could be helpful considering that your gemini mercury gets bored very easily, you’re very resolute. also, you most likely have 'mature’ hobbies; you could be into politics, economy, history… you could be into slower types of music, for example, or perhaps you like reading about world issues. with your children you may be quite strict, as you see them as a responsibility. also, you may often be attracted or attract older or more mature partners. you’re most likely a very romantic and artistic person, you may be fond of music, dancing, singing, acting… anything creative that stimulates your senses. yet, you may be a bit picky when it comes to hobbies; you probably only like reading specific types of books, you only listen to a certain music style, and so on. you may also be into spirituality such as psychology, astrology, law of attraction, yoga, mediation, etc. you're confident, independent, brave and friendly. you're the only who can handle your life, no one can tell you who you are, what you want or what you need. sometimes you can get insecure, as you feel pressured to always be perfect. you try to be nice and kind to everyone, as you don't wanna be seen as someone unpleasant to be with. some may admire your confidence, assertiveness and determination, others may be jealous of you. you have celebrity-like presence, you don't go overlooked. you're most probably the life of the party, and you enjoy living a life full of fun and amusement. you're also amazingly creative.

your 6th house is in aquarius, with also your pisces venus placed there. people with aquarius in their 6th house need to change their routine throughout your life. probably, when you were you younger they taught you things that aren’t healthy for your body and health. you may have to change your diet, your medicines… also, you may sometimes procrastinate in your day-to-day life. I don’t think you do it too often, but it may still happen due to your virgo and scorpio dominance in your chart, but for example you wouldn’t mind skipping a day of school or work to play videogames. this placement also indicates that you may often come across unpredictable events in your daily life. you may often see strange, unordinary things, or perhaps it’s your routine that is like that. you may lack consistency when it comes to diets and health, for example; you may start a diet and keep it for a month, then you get tired and drop it all of a sudden. you could also develop unexpected diseases. you may pursue a career that looks unexpected for you at first, something that you never thought you'd do. it will most likely be a creative, artistic job. it will be a very pleasant job, it won’t even feel like a duty to you as you’ll choose a job that you like and that you’re passionate about. venus in this house also indicates that you may often befriend or even date people on your workplace, perhaps you could meet your future spouse at work. regarding your health, throughout your life you may often come across sudden health problems, illnesses may come out of nowhere, but you're pretty much stable.

your 7th house is in pisces. your jupiter is also sitting in this house. with this pisces descendant, you attract people that are pretty much very intuitive and soft; they could have pisces placements, or at least they’ll be extremely artistic and emotional. yet, you may as well surround yourself with 'broken’ people. that is, people that aren’t exactly in the best state of their health, whether physically or mentally. neptune, the ruler of this house, is in the 5th house. you could meet them in a fun situation, like a party, a vacation, a night out… any situation where you’re supposed to be chilling and having fun, you may meet your future spouse there. also, in a relationship you probably hate feeling suffocated. while your pisces descendant may make you enjoy skinship, you may sometimes also need your space, you still need your freedom, especially since jupiter is in this house. also, pisces makes you idealize your crushes/partners way too much, to the point that you create an image of someone in your head that turns out to be the opposite at the end. you ignore your partner’s flaws, as they seem perfect to you. you may also end up having lots of partners before settling down, as you may struggle to find the right person for you. yet, after that you'll feel completely satisfied with your relationship, it will bring you lots of love and success. possibly, you may meet your partner abroad, or they could be foreign.

your 8th house is in aries, with also saturn placed there. generally, people with aries in their 8th house are very confident when it comes to taboo topics; they have no problems showing their interest in them, especially with people they're intimate with. yet, due to saturn's presence in this house, you may be afraid of darker topics and of embracing them at first. for example, you could lack sex drive. you constantly try to improve yourself by coming up with new projects, you love challenges. they help you growing up into the person you want to become. you may come across some hardships regarding yourself, your identity. but, when you face those fears and start loving yourself, you’ll naturally become more mature and 'transform’. you have very high standards when it comes to love. you're a passionate, loyal lover, but at the same times you also want and need a lover that is willing to go as far as you go with your feelings. you may often test your partner to see if they're worthy of your love, for example. you have this sort of self-destructive behaviour that makes people stressed, just because you have extreme trust issues and you feel the need to control everyone, especially if 'everyone' is your lover. last but not least, this placement can also indicate that you're going to have a painful death, or in the best case you're going to die later in life.

your 9th house is in taurus. with this placement, I feel like you may use your intellect to gain financial security and material possessions. while this is a good thing, as it helps increasing your confidence, don’t forget that your intellect is more important than money or any other thing. don’t underestimate it. you’re totally capable of learning and understanding things by yourself, hence don’t wait for others for help. you should start dealing with your own experiences alone, without anybody else’s help. this placement can also be someone a little close-minded; in fact, you're probably very stubborn and firm about your beliefs. you hardly ever allow others to change your mind.

your 10th house is in gemini. you may actually pursue more than one career throughout your life! you’re very flexible and skilled at multi-tasking, so you probably wouldn’t feel stressed about it. perhaps, you could alternate a creative profession with a more logical career, like working in an office for example. also, your suitable jobs should include communication and creativity at the same time; you could be a writer, for example. or perhaps, you could keep these two things in two separate jobs. what matters is that you use words in both of them, and hence you could even be a judge, a singer, a translator, etc. you may also have to interact with other people in your job, I don't see you working from home for example. you could even work as a teacher, or even professor since your jupiter is strongly placed in your chart. you may also be very popular on your work place, and you may even be in the public eye for your job.

your 11th house is in cancer. this placement indicates that your friends, they’re your comfort-zone. you feel understood when you’re with them, they’re pretty much like a family to you. you can tell them anything, you put all of your trust in them. or at least, if you haven’t met anyone like this yet, you’ll surely meet a friend that is like a soulmate to you. they’ll also be very important for your growth. in addition, it could also be that you’re still friends with someone from your childhood or even high school days, and hence you could literally grow up together. you could also have some step-siblings. you could also have very big goals you want to achieve in your life, probably since your childhood. as a result, you may end up pursuing your dream career for instance.

lastly, your 12th house is in leo. this is kind of a tricky placement, as leo rules the self, the ego, and the 12th house rules fears. you could be afriad of being too confident, of feeling worth it, or even just by being in the spotlight. perhaps, you have stage fright. this fear of embracing your persona makes you very insecure, even though you probably don’t show it. also, since your 12th house is the house of dreams, you could often make dreams that involve yourself. you hardly ever dream of someone else, and if you they’re probably your lovers, possibly your friends. you may also make daydreams or sleeping dreams of creative, utopic scenarios.

❤️ love life, soulmates

in love, you attract pisces, sagittarius, gemini, virgo, leo, capricorn and aquarius placements. your future spouse will most likely have some of their planets in capricorn or sagittarius, maybe a sagittarius-capricorn cusp; they’ll be well-balanced, with a stable job and finances. yet, they won’t be too much of a workaholic, as they’re also most probably a chill individual who loves relax and vacation as well. they could also be foreign and very open-minded. yet, they could be quite impulsive and chilidish at times. your chart points out that this relationship will be kind of unordinary; you may meet them abroad, most likely at work, or even during a simple trip. they’ll also be very spiritual, perhaps religious, or even psychic. you could meet them at work, on a vacation or even at a marriage, any place filled with people you don't know perfectly. your children will have capricorn, leo, virgo, gemini and pisces placements: they’ll be extremely reliable and intelligent; they could be a bit rebellious during their early years, but they will become more mature as time goes by. they'll be very creative and quite sensitive too.

👶🏻 family life

your mother was probably very outgoing, sociable and open-minded. she was probably very intelligent too, and she could have been a successful student. she was basically the perfect, nurturing mother. yet, she probably was too emotional, she could have even been quite possessive or moody. she probably has sagittarius, gemini and / or aquarius placements in her chart, as well as 9th, 3rd, 5th house placements. your father, on the other hand, was probably less strict than your mother. he had a complex personality, he most likely used to act different based on the situation he was in. but you most likely used to play a lot with him, you had fun together. he could have been very sociable and intelligent too. he may have gemini, sagittarius, leo or virgo placements in his chart, as well as 3rd and 6th house placements, perhaps even 9th. if you have siblings, they have scorpio or aries placements in their chart, as well as 1st / 8th house placements. you might have fought a lot when you were young, there were many control issues and your bond is very intense. yet, you're still very affectionate, and your bond will probably get better as time goes by.

📊 career

as I've already mentioned above, your future career will most likely involve communication of any kind; you could have to interact with other people, and hence you may work in a place that allows you to communicate with others and that can get quite crowded, like a shop for example. you'll most likely start from these small jobs, like working in a cafe for example. yet, your gemini midheaven indicates that you can handle way stronger careers; above all, communication and creativity are the most indicated fields for you to be successful. you would do amazing as a journalist for example, or perhaps you could even become an amazing teacher / professor. yet, you may even choose to pursue a more complex career, like a career in the med field or in the tech field. you could become a nurse for example, as it allows you to both help and communicate with other people. you will start from simple things, but as time goes by, you'll be able to become more independent, maybe even a leader. you probably won't have to depend too much on other people.

👚 fashion sense, style analysis

you love wearing comfy, even over-sized fits, but that still look stylish and modern. for example, you may be fond of wide leg trousers, oversized t-shirts or sweatshirts... for the colors, you may fancy pastel colors, especially different shades of blue, or even just natural colors, such as white, beige, kaki etc. you may also like wearing baby/pastel colors, and you may experiment a lot with accessories. you may wear lots of bracelets.

👁 past life, life purpose

in your past life time, you didn’t have a specific priority. you just enjoyed wandering with your mind and creativity, allowing yourself to relax with your friends. you used to depend on someone else, not really on yourself. this lifetime, you need to establish your independence AND solid boundaries, not just those you used to daydream about. don’t be afraid to let your inner child out; go to amusement parks, binge-watch netflix, date your crushes, have an hobby, play videogames… you could also play with actual children. anything that brings fun out of you, and that puts a genuine smile on your face. yet, don’t forget that this lifetime of yours revolves around accomplishing your goals.

🤔 major transits analysis / august 10

a few unpredictable, possibly painful events may occur in this period of time, as transit saturn in aquarius is in your 5th house conjunct your natal neptune. there could be an unexpected loss of money for example, a sudden breakup or argument or even death. something will happen that will surely change your view of things and will help you have a major transformation, in order to leave toxicity behind. mars is currently opposite your natal venus, therefore you could be arguing a lot with others lately, especially with your co-workers, so be careful to your words in these days. last but not least,transit virgo venus is conjunct your virgo rising, therefore you may be feeling prettier than usual in these days, you're satisfied with your appearance and you will like being sociable and going out with others.

🧿 manifest what you want, secret skills

you’re very in contact with your spirituality, making you more sensitive to higher affirmations. you have the ability to visualize what you want. that’s the key to activate the loa: travel with your fantasy, and visualize what you desire. do you want a new car? imagine yourself doing road-trips on that car. a new phone? visualize yourself making calls with that phone. you can even literally create a story involving those topics and it will come true. you can also help yourself by writing and listening to your own affirmations, maybe covered up by some music. in this way, you'll develop a more optimistic mindset and you'll be able to attract more positivity in your life. you just have to believe in your power!

and this is it! thank you again for booking a reading, hope it resonated with you :)

- libramc xx

#astrology

[scionofchaos]

Basic Types of Spiritual Being

Today, I would like to talk to you about the three basic types of spiritual creature I have identified, specifically referring to those which are not human. At least, not presently. These are the Seekers, the Blinding Light, and the Hungry Shade.

Type 0 will refer to any spiritual entity that does not match these descriptions: they are not defined by a simple quest for assimilation, they are not ruthless dominators, and they are not hungering destroyers.

Seekers, as I here refer to them, are fundamentally simple creatures. However intelligent, however benevolent or kind they may appear, and whatever their other traits may be, Seekers have one drive above all else in this world. They must seek out and assimilate one thing, which differs from one to the next. Perhaps their hunger is psychic, driving them to seek the unknown and make it known. They may not be scholars for the sake of advances the sciences or philosophies, but they hunt knowledge all the same. They will find it in books, in the speeches of the wise, in the deep lore of the material world, wherever it should appear. Seekers are rarely powerful enough to rip it from a mind without consent, but do not assume they can't. Perhaps their hunger is a hedonistic one: they desire all the enjoyable emotions this world has to offer. Being non-sadistic, they prefer only the naturally pleasant things: joy, peace, satisfaction, comfort, and so forth. Again, they are not typically capable of stealing these things from a person who has them, but that is not saying no Seeker exists who can. Perhaps their hunger IS a sadistic one, and they crave negativity. Such a Seeker is drawn to places tainted by sorrow, by rage, by fear, by malice and discontent.

Wherever there is lack, wherever there is suffering, this particular kind of Seeker will feed. Perhaps a Seeker may feed on vital essence instead. As most are too weak to take it from you, they will simply feed on those breathing their last, or on those expelling this essence for some mystic purpose. There are many ways we vent our vitality back into the world, and doing so draws the attention of these beings. I have even met Seekers who crave conversation, not to absorb the knowledge or the inherent emotions, but for the talk itself. I speculate they feed on the waves of Causality, on what is referred to as Karma. Only a powerful Seeker would be able to take the Karma you have accumulated, for good or ill, so most would be stuck snatching it out of the air; feeding off of the ripples made by actions and reactions. Or in this case, being part of a conversation, and thus a direct target for your Causal action of speech.

I have met very few Seekers who are deliberately malicious, seeking to harm or wrong someone in pursuit of their higher power, knowing that is what they do. However, they rarely align with anything resembling human morality, so this becomes a problem. If you are willing to harbor a Seeker, that is on you. I, however, am by my nature territorial. I will welcome a direct and courteous visitor who takes nothing until it is offered, or neglected. I cite for example my encounter with the Bookworm. Literally, a being that appeared to my senses as some kind of larva or worm, and which was drawn to the large collection of dusty books owned by my host family at that time. These books were going unread, gathering mildew and probably silverfish. So it is natural that a Seeker would come seeking to draw psychic essence of some kind, poured in by the author to the original manuscript and rendered through mass production. But when this Bookworm found me, it saw that I was a much stronger source of psychic essence than the room full of books. It swam for me, like a barracuda, and I rewarded it with swift punishment. I encapsulated it in a tessellated adamant ward, the dimensions of which I controlled completely, and I introduced myself. I told it that it had intruded into my territory, and if it was not willing or able to communicate, it would be swiftly removed. The Bookworm responded by trying to attack me through the impermeable barrier, to no success. I replied in kind by shrinking the barrier to an infinitesimal speck, and wishing it off to a distant corner of reality. This is one of many skills I possess; do not think you have heard the extent of my secrets.

The Blinding Light are quazi-angelic in nature, less resembling winged humanoids nor Biblical creatures, but an abstract form of peerless white or gold light. To make contact with this light is no different than running face-first into a concrete wall, and I have gotten physical nose-bleeds from my few encounters with them. They are phenomenally powerful, but I do not know if they claim connection to Yahweh or any other god. All I have seen them say is that they are "Children of Light" and that they do not tolerate malignance or unrighteous possession of human beings. Do not think them saintly. The only way I witnessed this conversation is that I was in the middle of confronting an entity harming my friend, primarily communicating in chat online, and the Blinding Light appeared from nowhere, seared my soul from my body, and used my vessel to communicate while it reached across space and time to wipe out the offender completely. The harm it caused was extreme, the repairs extensive and costly, and I have not forgiven it since. Do not consort with these entities thinking you are appealing to some spiritual guide, or some beacon of love and light. There is no love in them.

The Hungry Shade are many in form, but their countenance is always the same. You will feel them well before you see them. They bring a creeping sense of depression or dread, a wearing on your environment as if by desert winds or corrupting mold. It encroaches on you slowly, inexorably, and as its power becomes more present, physical signs appear. Creaks in the walls, flickering lights, disruption of technology, sheer cold. Most things you might identify with a "haunting" or ghost sighting, I have seen when encountering these creatures. Most often, they are not visible to the material eye, not without certain gifts or extraordinary circumstances, but when I have tried to behold them with my trained abilities, all that has appeared is a shapeless, meaningless dark. The edges raw and rasping, like flame or fangs. Sometimes carrying resemblance to whatever ills are nearby, or in the heart of the observer, such as cockroaches, fungus, or fire. They are no more kind than the Blinding Light, and viciously seek out sources of useful essence, not unlike the Seekers. However, their hunger is extreme and endless, and their power to rip apart living sources is great. The one power I have not seen them possess is the sheer physical force to harm a human body, to open wounds or break bones. The Physical shell remains a resolute obstacle, but not a proper armor, since they can easily get at your consciousness, your mind, and your vital essence. I have examined the body of someone who was brutalized by such a person, and found knots and bruises under the surface, signs of strain that were definitely not there in the moments before the attack.

If you lack the power to combat a Hungry Shade, do not try to fight them. Physically leave that location, and focus your intentions on leaving with all your essences. Consciously hone in on ever more distant surroundings, to distract yourself from where you were. Find something pure and hopeful to focus your mind upon. With all the power you may have, try to draw your vital essence in close and hide it from the enemy. Do not send Causal waves their way, do not send Causal waves to the place you just vacated. Do not look behind you.

#spiritwork #energywork #mysticism #magick #morality

[rhythmic-idealist]

Something I think about a lot, and may have posted already, but there’s no harm in rewriting:

Beforus as the metaphorical Garden of Eden in the creation story of Homestuck.

On the one hand: Beforus is upheld by the Signless in his teachings - whether intentionally skewed, or (more likely) looking at it from the outside and only able to lament what’s lost, as a paradise. I’m not going to pull a Kankri here. Beforus was better. People weren’t regularly killed for being hatched the way they were, at least not to our knowledge under this empress. No matter what else is happening, the lack of genocide is a clear step up. But it’s romanticized, idealized, Paradise couched in the strong Biblical allusions of the Signless.

And on the other hand - Adam and Eve were exiled from the garden because they ate from the Tree of Knowledge.

Beforus was stifling. It doesn’t appear so, at first! It appears to be a pretty fantastic place with some troubling minor complaints that Kankri harps on too much, or Porrim cares about but aren’t urgent, or Rufioh was involved in but not, like, in a WEIRD way, that’s weird.

In the story of Eden, essentially, there was exactly one rule in Paradise: you can eat the fruit of any tree but that one.

But at the end of the story, when they’ve left and eaten the fruit: they have free will. That says a lot about what that one rule was doing.

(Humans existing with free will is one of the major things we, often, consider to make us human, especially in the contexts of (some) Christianity. I say that as a Catholic, with my whole Sunday School background in these ideas. Free will and causality, too, are major themes in Homestuck: timelines, character agency, Doom and Time, the ability to be Unstuck, how can you stop him when he’s already here, how can you prevent this when it’s already done.)

So free will, the tree of knowledge, and Beforus. Right.

I don’t know if the Beforan kids knew, when they started the game, that they were going to be leaving the planet, or if they even had the vaguest, most abstract notion that they would be given the opportunity to “leave here” or “create something better” (purposes, ultimately, of the game, at least as presented to the players once they know about universe creation).

But whether they knew or not, whether the way the game’s goal of creating a new universe coincides with their character motivations or not, there’s one theme in common, one reason these kids are the kids who - whether choosing to themselves or chosen by causality believing it would be poetic - ate our Apple from the Tree of Knowledge, opened our Pandora’s Box.

They’re all running away from something.

Meenah -  leadership. Meenah doesn’t want to be the Empress, she’s running away from Beforan ideas about her need to nurture and “mother” (/guide in that fashion) and rule in a way she’s never wanted to, from rules and responsibility, and she physically runs away all the way to the moon.

Porrim - the caverns. Porrim refuses to tend to the Mother Grub or to the grubs and eggs in the caverns, and makes it her loud, proud activism to announce that no one, by virtue of her caste or gender, should have to.

Rufioh - mainstream West Beforan society, and, though never referenced directly, culling. This, likely, is why he wound up with the Lost Weaboos to begin with - he ran away from mainstream society to lead a society of outcasts and (presumably) children, spending life pulling pranks and hijinks on highbloods. It’s very, very easily presumable that he would have been culled, or even that he at some point was, if he didn’t run away quickly enough after his wings showed themselves - which happened, if Mindfang was correct in the way she predicted his post-Scratch life, with his pupation.

Kankri - culling, and I would argue, silence/irrelevance. This is getting into personal headcanon now, but without the game, and without some kind of revolution, I find it very difficult to believe Kankri would have been allowed to become much of anything on Beforus, because the way he talks about culling, it sounds incredibly unlikely he ever would have been given much agency if he wasn’t supernaturally good at fighting for it, and even then, lucky. Personally, in all of my headcanoned no-game AUs and some of my pre-game timeline headcanons, he winds up running away. But to give you something more concretely provable: Kankri is running away from what he is supposed to be, and that is obedient, unintelligent, and quiet.

Latula - forgettably enough, culling. According to Aranea, Latula would have had to hide her lack of smell on Beforus, or else risk being culled, and the way she talked about it made it fairly apparent/implicit, if admittedly not outright stated, that the injury happened while they were on Beforus.

Horuss - the Void inside him. Horuss’s entire character motivation is that he is characterized by the feeling, as well as tangible and real presence, of a massive Void inside himself. Instead of doing any soul-searching or learning to be comfortable to himself, he takes this as a motivation to fill it in, cover it up, and find external things to define him. Becoming a player in this game gives him something, anything, that is outside himself and extra and extraordinary. I wish I could explain this in a way that did justice to the character.

And this is the point where we get less clear. I’m going to start filling in with headcanon, instead:

Mituna - Doom. The game is the way the timeline needed to go, and like the Helmsman racing to prevent the Vast Glub, he knows when to give for a force he doesn’t like for the sake of something grander.

Aranea - Aranea’s an outlier. She didn’t express the remote notion of wanting to run away or having anything to run away from during the entirety of her life. Instead, her status as a runaway comes post death, to complete her part in the theme: running away from death, sure, but mostly running away from the role of NPC and guide to that of the hero/protagonist. 

Damara - I think she was minimalized a lot, on Beforus. She was a sweet, innocent girl, and that’s…. all anyone, ever, has to say about her, before she snapped. I think even before she was angry, something in her needed to have something more than that. It’s more the universe and the story running away for her than her conscious effort to run away from the things confining her.

Cronus - we…. don’t know enough about him pre-game.

Meulin - we…. don’t know enough about her pre-game.

Kurloz - irrelevant. His motivations are separate, and he is aware, to some extent, that this game will eventually be crucial to bringing about the twin messiahs.

….So maybe I lied, and only about ¾ of them are provably running away from something. But that still marks a damn strong theme. Like the alpha kids’ theme is isolation, the alpha trolls’ theme is that they are running away from something.

In the story of Adam and Eve, Eve is often ridiculed for being tempted by the snake and eating the fruit because of the pain it caused. Humans must go out into a world with evil now, humans have free will and can hurt each other now, humans are painfully aware of social rules and boundary lines and things that make life so much more complicated.

But on the other hand…. Eve couldn’t possibly have stayed there. Even God wasn’t angry, in the story I’m told, when she ate the apple: they weren’t allowed to eat it because they couldn’t have this Paradise once they had touched Knowledge. He lamented for them.

Kankri, too, couldn’t have stayed there, that planet would have suffocated him. It would have tolerated Porrim until she wasn’t funny anymore, it would have let Meenah be a successful runaway and live out, what, millennia on the moon alone, it would have suffocated Latula, and Rufioh, and Damara. It would have made strict, rule-bound personalities or total nothings out of them, and it would have crushed them, and ultimately, they were runaways.

Homestuck is a story about people who need revolutions, and the game, deletion of Beforus… it was ill advised, it had all kinds of fallout, they could have stayed and maybe fixed something, but that was the revolution that the timeline would give them- and ultimately the one it mandated. And they made the choice to get into it, however much they knew, whether causality wanted it or not. Maybe they would have been allowed to stay on Beforus if it wasn’t suffocating. It would have been better than Alternia. They couldn’t.

Beforus required compromise, and if that compromise wasn't met- Beforus was impermanent.

The Signless can lament it, Karkat can resent his dancestor ever leaving, but really, the game designed it that way.

#disclaimer: genesis isn't solely a christian story I'm just a Christian discussing it #homestuck meta #homestuck theories #beforus #kankri #meenah #porrim #rufioh #kankri vantas #meenah peixes #rufioh nitram #porrim maryam #damara #mituna #meulin #ugh I'm in a rush I'll tag everyone later! #beforan worldbuilding #homestuck #christianity // #religion //

[youdecode]

Self Worth Affirmations | Self Esteem & Self love Affirmations For Women

You know what self worth is?

The building block on which your whole life stands.

Self worth is responsible for making you who are today.

The way you see yourself is vital why? Because:

It is the way others see you

It decides the actions which you take in your life

It manifests what you do/do not want in life (law of attraction)

Interestingly, we all are born with that self worth as after all we are the reflection of this universe.

But that self worth seems to fade away due to:

Childhood experiences (hurtful past)

Bullying

Negative self talk

Surprisingly, it is not that hard to rebuild the self-worth.

One such technique is the use of affirmations.

Through these affirmations, you can feed new positive beliefs in your subconscious mind while simultaneously replacing the negative limiting beliefs about yourself.

Before we dig straight into the self-worth affirmations.

Drill some key points in your mind so that affirmations could actually work for you.

Script or perform journaling for your favorite affirmations so you make the idea more concrete.

Repetition is vital. 5 minutes every morning, afternoon and night will suffice for repeating the list

Believe what you affirm by – counter the negative thoughts which make believing seem impossible.

Here Are Some Related Untapped Posts – The Last Resources Which You Will Ever Need.

87+ Life-Transforming Prompts For Body Image

111+ Insane Journal prompts for depression

1100+ Daily Journal Prompts for Self Discovery

  PS : Don’t forget to grab the freebie at the end of post, specially prepared for you  !

Self Worth Affirmations

I love myself unconditionally

I make time for myself

I give up bad habits for better body

I adopting new habit for better self image

I look after my physical health

I practise ideal self care routine

My body always supports me

I do not tie my self worth with the way i look

I am missing nothing

I am not my body

I do not overthink

I practice kindness to myself every day

I am not my dress size

I am capable of recovering on my own

I wear power and confidence like a coat

I am born leader

I capable of chasing whatever i want

I am successful.

I know all my “whys” in life.

I am beautiful.

I am attractive.

I love myself.

I am succeeding in every goal

I trust myself more than anything

If i will put my mind into anything then i am capable of achieving it.

I can do anything.

I speak my mind.

I own a great intuition

I am extremely wise

I am intelligent

I am capable of defending myself.

I am a winner even if i lose

I am a warrior and fighter

I follow my gut.

I love to do things my way without regrets

I fight for what i believe

I am always hopeful.

My happiness depends on me

I am capable of rising above hardships.

I love to take care of myself.

I am proud of all my small and big accomplishments.

I am naturally polite.

I never hide who I am.

I let go of the expectations.

I do not force any relationship, instead let my relationship happen naturally.

I recover every dating hardship

I love and respect my partner.

I will continue to develop a healthy relations with people

I will communicate clearly and kindly with my partner.

I deserve a healthy relationship.

I own such big heart which is capable of forgiving others

I will compromise where i want

I will never afford anyone devaluing me

I feel proud to be independent

I deserve to be appreciated

I value the people whom i love

I am healy and attractive.

I am free of negativity.

I am beautiful on the inside and outside.

I am comfortable with myself.

I think positively

When I look in the mirror, I see beauty of my soul

I feel good about myself.

I love and own my skin.

Universe has made me naturally beautiful.

I acknowledge and recognize that I have true beauty.

I possess inner beauty.

I am an original. No other piece like me.

I love the way I look.

I love the way speak

I have a friendly, positive, & outgoing nature.

I am capable of attracting others with my charisma

I am transforming into a more confident, & beautiful person.

I am perfectly imperfect in few domains of my life and i accept it

I take pride in who I am.

I accept myself deeply & completely.

I am immune to all sorts negative thoughts

I am internally validated.

People trust my expertise.

I am a proven leader. I lead my life. I create my life

I am an excellent decision maker.

I maximize success in areas of my life.

I never shy away from pushing the limits to get the most out of life.

I reach higher and further every day.

I enjoy my work and look forward to my car.

I am that one unstoppable soul.

I have all that it takes to turn dreams into reality.

I will use my success to help others.

I own a heart that will build my coworkers up as I grow.

I belong in my position of power.

My actions speak louder than my words.

I work in silence and let my achievements make noise

I push rough criticism.

I validate every thought before making it sink to my subconscious mind

I am powerful and highly capable.

I am getting rich and successful everyday

I am capable of managing my money well.

I work for my own self and my own gain.

I know how to balance family and work

I treat my family with love and respect.

I am loving & understanding toward my family.

I treasure my loved ones

I enjoy small moments with my family.

I appreciate what my parents have done for me

My family wants me to be happy.

I practice selflessness with my loved ones.

My life is better because of my loved ones.

I am a positive role model.

I will do what it takes to change and feel better.

I am a good provider.

I learn from every setback

I use every criticism of my improvement & benefit.

I am not easily shaken by adversities

I am a fighter who makes a lemonade when life throws lemon!

I take every step in the right direction. It is meant to teach me something

I learn from any failures and push forward.

I am capable of scaring my greatest fears.

I have important things to say.

I am considerate of myself & others.

I will do what I love.

I walk & act with purpose

I am the only one who needs to understand my choices.

This is my life, & I will live it on my conditions.

I have the potential to make a positive impact.

I do not doubt my potential for I can do what has never been done before.

I fight for my rights.

I am capable of creating my own space.

I am an extraordinary individual.

I do not care what others think of me.

I love that i am never afraid of trying again

I am capable of turning all my complaints into solutions.

I am not defined by my situation

I choose to be happy right now. I love my life.

Today I choose me.

I am confident and strong.

I believe in my abilities.

I am in control of my life.

I deserve it all

I love all my flaw

I am limitless

My belief on myself is infinite

I do not need to be perfect

I am capable

I am persistent!

I am in control of my reality

I am the creator of my reality

I am enough

I can figure out everything

I deserve all happiness

I deserve all the attention and love

I deserve success and wealth.

I own unique abilities

I deserve worthy relationships.

I am growing everyday

Good things come naturally to me

I am a magnet. People love me.

All my loved ones respect me.

I respect the limitations set by me.

I deserve love and respect for being as I am

I am making a difference in the world

I matter to myself

I value my worth

I own great talents to share with the world

I own a great potential of making my dreams come true

I have a great potential within me.

I deserve to get whatever i want

I love the person I am turning into

I am getting better day by day

I own the power of changing anything

I am capable of making wise decisions.

I love my abilities and capabilities

I reflect self confidence.

Being confident comes easily to me.

I do not need validations from others

My skills are valued

I am self reliant

I am creative

I am a unique individual who does not to prove herself

I am capable of finding the solution of every problem

My past cannot make me a prisoner of my past mistakes

I own all the abilities to change if only i wish

My decisions only rely on me

I adapt to new experiences

I am living a rewarding and beautiful life

I rejoice every ounce of loved received

Success is written in my stars

I inspire others

I attract all the positivity in my life

My mistakes are not failures, they are the stepping stones to my success

I am continuously growing

I trust my abilities and skills

I own a healthy self esteem and self image

I have been refined by life like a diamond

Universe is always with me. I am never alone

Opportunities always know my door

I dont keep negative feelings in my heart and negative thoughts in my mind

I love my own opinions

I exhale fear and breathe confidence

I can not be half loved because i am full of life

My name is “worthy”

My value can not be measured

I am on a journey with myself

Comparison never distracts me as i am busy with falling in love with myself

I know several ways of honouring myself and i am learning many new

People’s opinions about me reflects who they are not me. (whether positive or negative)

I am compassionate with myself.

I can overcome any block

I am capable of more than my potential

My best source of motivation is myself

I am grateful for all my life lessons as they have refined me

I already have what i want

i easily let go what is needed to be gone

I own an abundance mindset and live from it

I let go everything that is not capable of serving me

Everything which i need is already present within me

I own an unshaken faith

I have more strength than i think

I am braver than what i seem

I am a magnet for miracles

 Self worth Quote# 1

Clothes and courage have much to do with each other. —Sara Jeannette Duncan 

Self worth Quote# 2

When you forgive, you heal your own anger and hurt and are able to let love lead again. It’s like spring cleaning for your heart. —Marci Shimoff 

Self worth Quote# 3

We are not interested in the possibilities of defeat. They do not exist. —Victoria, Queen of England

Self worth Quote# 4

If I ever did manage to find a law to live by, I would break it. —Exene Cervenka

Self worth Quote# 5

You have to be taught to be second class; you’re not born that way. —Lena Horne

Self worth Quote# 6

When I fight, there is usually a funeral and it isn’t mine. —Henrietta Green

Self worth Quote# 7

I came out of the womb a diva. All it means is you know your worth as a woman. —Cyndi Lauper

Self worth Quote# 8

it is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere. —Agnes Repplier

Self worth Quote# 9

You can cry, but don’t let it stop you. Don’t cry in one spot—cry as you continue to move. —Kina

Self worth Quote# 10

I’m comfortable with money and it’s comfortable with me. —Diana Ross,

Self worth Quote# 11

I can never remember being afraid of an audience. If the audience could do better, they’d be up here on stage and I’d be out there watching them. —Ethel Merman

Self worth Quote# 12

The more you do, the more you are. —Angie Papadakis 

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The Ever-Changing Stars

I wrote a fanfic featuring trans!artemis for a commission for @artemis-the-changeling! I tried to use my current moment of change and self acceptance to inspire it, and I apologize in advance if this is at any level not relatable to the transgender experience, for I don’t know what it is like first-hand. Also: if any of this is in any degree offensive, please tell me and I will take down the fic immediatly! I have a commitment to respecting everyone and I understand that speaking on behalf of other groups can backfire more often than not.

This was supposed to be a drabble but it got a little bigger than I expected it to, but I’m very happy with the outcome. I think I should add warnings for internalized gender-related conficts and maybe a small mention to dysphoria. But it’s a very upbeat story and I think you’ll like it!

Nº1 was floating in his room down in Haven, his eyes closed and his legs crossed as if he were sitting. The four soft knocks on his door made the demon crack a smile, and he said without opening his eyes:

“Come in, Artemis. I have been waiting for you.”

Artemis walked in, dressed in an elegant tailored Armani suit. His jacket was structured, cut close to the young man’s narrow waist, and the gold cufflinks are delicate and yet a remarkable detail of his attire. His slacks were grey matching his jacket and his shirt was black. He tugged absently on his collar that was - surprisingly enough - not buttoned all the way up to his neck, and he wore no tie. His hair, however, was combed back to perfection, and his features didn’t look so pale – in fact, one could even spot a couple of freckles on his sharp nose.

Nº1 chuckled softly as the automatic doors fell shut behind Artemis. He still hadn’t turned to look at his friend. He didn’t have to.

“I don’t think I have ever seen you without a tie. And your hair is not short as you used to keep it.”

The corners of Artemis’ lips curled up in a small smile.

“I’m trying new things. I think I might have gotten a sun burn helping the twins trim the roses over…”

“…Over your former grave?” Nº1 turned back to face Artemis at that, floating down until he landed softly on a big blue cushion, gesturing to the white one in front of him “I take you knocked on my door four times on purpose.”

“Yes” said Artemis unbuttoning his jacket to then sit down in front of Nº1 “I refuse to be controlled by my past. By the obsessions that once held me back.”

Nº1 raised an eyebrow.

“This is a good thing. So is it safe to say you are cured of every unwanted thought that had plagued your mind?”

Artemis gave Nº1 a small smile. He’d been doing this a lately far more than he ever had before.

“In this life?”

“Can you change anything about your previous one?”

Artemis tapped a finger to his chin.

“I know you are trying to sound wise and ominous, my friend, but in fact, I can. Time travel, remember?”

Nº1  shook his head in amusement, a smile still showing his pointy little teeth.

“Yes, Artemis, I remember. I don’t think you, Holly or myself will ever forget it. But please try to stick to the subject. You know how easily I get distracted.”

Artemis joined his hands, supporting his chin on his thumbs.

“I don’t know.” he chuckled softly “It’s so odd, saying these words. I don’t like it. Not knowing.”

“It’s okay not to…”

“…To have all the answers, yes. Holly and Butler did taught me so. I’m just trying to accept this.”

Artemis looked at the drawings of stars and galaxies on Nº1’s walls. His art was exquisite, and Artemis almost grimaced when he thought that it would most likely soon be erased to have something else painted over. Nº1 would change the art on his walls every 23 days or so; he’d say it represented the ever-changing nature of the universe and the need to learn to let go. Sometimes Artemis’ very old self would make him think of photographing the whole thing and selling the images, but his new, more serene self knew it wasn’t his to take. Like Holly would say, “one d’arvit of a learning for a rich snob brat raised by his thieving self-centered dad.” Yeah, Holly wasn’t exactly one to add honey to her words when she resented someone, and she was still learning to appreciate Artemis Senior.

Artemis drew in a breath, seeing one of the Milky Way’s many nebulae and recognizing each star. He could name almost all of them.

“I don’t know if you ever knew that, but I wasn’t assigned male at birth.”

Nº1 nodded kindly.

“I knew it, Artemis.”

Artemis swallowed dryly. He seemed tense, his eyes low under his knitted brows.

“Did my name give it away?”

Nº1 shook his head, absently running his clawed fingers over the small horns on his head.

“When we connected out minds in Hybras, I knew it.”

Artemis flinched almost unnoticeably, lowering down his hands. He still had his eyes down.

“So you felt it. Biology. DNA.”

Once again Nº1 shook his head.

“No. These things don’t dictate gender. I felt confusion in your heart. A sense of non-belonging. A fear of mismatching the sheath in which your energy has been placed.”

Sadness permeated the demon’s voice, and Artemis rose his eyes to Nº1, his brows still furrowed.

“You… said that ‘these things don’t dictate gender?’” he clicked his tongue to then snarl “It’s science, Nº1, it’s…”

“…the same science that says that magic doesn’t exist?” Nº1 interrupted in a serene tone “Or fairies? Demons? Centaurs? Artemis, you should know better by now.”

“But I know it.” Artemis insisted, although there was a hint of anger in his voice “It’s…It’s what we are taught, it’s how our world works, it’s… It’s how it is!”

Nº1 looks into Artemis’ eyes, and the young man doesn’t avert his own from his friend’s gaze. Instead he glares, almost as if he dared Nº1 to contest his words. That stare had won him more than a few discussions, and although he had no idea, a certain Jon Spiro would still remember that remarkably defying look every now and then in his prison cell in Los Angeles as he waited for his probation date and a chance to start over, but that was another story altogether. Right then, however, Nº1 held his gaze until Artemis’ anger turned to embarrassment and his cheeks turned to a delicate pink shade. Only then did the demon speak.

“Why do you trap yourself within those concepts that do you no good?”

Artemis squinted, scrunching up his nose.

“Because this is how it is. It just…”

“Fairies. Magic. Gold. Even if it had originally been for foul – and yes, I wanted to go for that pun and you won’t take that from me-” Nº1 smirked “You thought outside of what others originally had defined the world to be. You said, no, fairies are real and I will kidnap one, get a troll into my house, get punched in the face, had some lollipop related humor thrown at my defenseless self, get a dwarf in my wine cellar, get mad drunk with my bodyguard and his sister… I missed the point, wait.” He frowned for a moment “Ah. Yes. Okay. So, you thought outside your boundaries. Why do you restrain yourself after all of this?”

Artemis simply stared back at Nº1 for almost an entire minute as his eyes darted back and forward. Butler used to say that when Artemis looked like that one could almost see the grinding gears in his brain.

“I think it’s because… It’s all I’ve ever known. Boy or girl, you can’t get to pick it. You’re born with it and you have to… accept it.”

“Close your eyes.” Artemis obeyed. He hadn’t second-guessed Nº1 in a long time, and honestly, who would? Being a time-traveling sorcerer demon would get you this kind of status. “Connect your mind to mine. No fear. No restraints. Let’s rise to the metaphysical level for a while, shall we?”

Artemis drew a deep breath. Reaching a higher state of conscience was much easier than it should be thanks to Butler’s teachings of meditation. By the time he realized it, he already felt light weighted, no longer tethered to his physical body but a non-concrete existence of pure energy, or, as those with more simplistic mindsets would call it…

“Soul.” said Nº1 “Yes, this is your soul.”

It would be wrong to say that Artemis ‘looked around’ or ‘felt’ anything at all, because he wasn’t physical. He was… him. There. Existing. The miracle of life born twice yet to die for the second time.

“Are you blue?” asked Nº1 in their resonant realm of energy

“I’m not sad.” Artemis answered in a slightly annoyed vibration “It’s tough to say I am feeling anything at all. Or that I am not feeling absolutely everything one can experience.”

“No, No. Are you blue? This existence of yours, is it blue, the alleged ‘boy’ color? Or is it pink, the alleged ‘girl’ color? – oh, do I love pink. It has the right wavelength if I may say it with your words, or, as I like to say it, makes my eyes pleased – anyway, is it orange? Green? Purple?”

Artemis felt his existence attentively.

“I’m not… There’s not a…” he struggled with the words he tried to vibrate in “I’m all. A rainbow. And I’m none. A black hole, non-color. This is… Oh.” he paused “This is beautiful.”

Nº1 vibrated softly like a cat purring.

“There are so many different patterns, Artemis. We are rainbows and black holes, we are pink stained with orange and brown dipped in blue. There’s no linearity when it comes to gender, to sexuality, to everything that defines you as a human being. Think of your friend Juliet.”

“She’s green and black and blue.” Artemis vibrated in agreement “She likes to wear any kind of clothes and she loves makeup and she is attracted to men and women, and…oh there’s so much more, she’s so…”

“Rich and complex? Everyone is.” Nº1 sounded as pleased as he could be “Now, think of Butler.”

“He’s grey and pink and white. He doesn’t connect romantically to anyone he doesn’t feel strongly linked to. He is not interested in physical intimacy, not often anyway, and he can reach his feelings easily, despite him being raised a man and trained a soldier.” Before Nº1 can say anything, he goes on “Oh, and Minerva, she loves women. She’s… she’s still trying to find what kind of appearance she feels more comfortable with…”

Nº1 vibrated softly.

“Have you understand it now, my friend?”

“I…” artemis paused to then vibrate so hard the electricity above his physical body cracked “Oh. Oh, I see it now. I see it!”

Artemis was back into his physical body as if he had fallen sitting on a chair, except “he” was his energy and the chair was his concrete existence. There were sweat beads on his forehead as he looked at his hands. They were shaking.

“There is more than two paths. There’s… I thought people were making this up, but it’s real.”

Nº1 smiled lazily, reopening his eyes.

“Nonbinary.” He nodded “Not boy or girl. Agender. Intersex. None. Both. All. There are so many paths to choose, outside the little boxes you humans make up.”

Artemis looked intently at Nº1.

“Am I this? Nonbinary? Intersex? Agender? Am I any of those?”

Nº1’s smile turned to a happy grin.

“You may be, but I’m not to be the one to tell you so. It’s all up to how you feel, Artemis.” He raised a finger, pointing his claw at the young human in front of him “And remember, you can wrap yourself on these concepts and undress yourself off them whenever they don’t fit you anymore. You are yours and yours alone, to regard to as you wish to. And most importantly, you are yours to be loved.”

Artemis reached to wipe his eyes but the tears were already spilling and he gasped.

“Well this….” He tried to sound as business-like as possible and failed spectacularly “This might take a while to assimilate.”

“No matter.” Nº1 looked around at the paintings of stars and galaxies around them “You have so much time in this life. More than you did in your previous one.”

Artemis laughed openly, wiping his tears away and rising to his feet as Nº1 did so as well. Artemis bent down to the Demon’s height and hugged him tightly. Nº1 hugged him back, rubbing his rough face on his chest over his pounding heart.

“Thank you, my friend.” said Artemis in a whisper “Thank you.”

Artemis let go of him and straightened up his back, turning to leave with no further words. He looked at the stars painted over the walls one last time before he left the room. The stars wouldn’t be there a week from then. The thought gave Artemis a strange feeling of serenity. Everything was in constant change. Good.

#trans!arty #my fics #artemis fowl #af #nº1 #artemis #transgender #nonbinary #please if any of this is offensive tell me right away #artemis-the-changeling

[junker-town]

No sports, no fun

Getty Images

Good bye, maybe.

I’m afraid I won’t ever feel again the way I did on Nov. 4, 2000, when I was not yet 13 years old and the pain was new and all-consuming. I loved sports so much it hurt, and that love bore bitter fruit when Anthony Thomas fumbled a football for no good reason, and Michigan lost to Northwestern, 54-51, in the most stunning game I can remember.

I couldn’t question the feeling, nor did I think it could be questioned; my amygdala pulled its trigger and I buried my face as deeply as I could into our cold, wave-patterned couch in the next room. My shock even erased the memory of the steps I took. I remember the twin feelings of a cold couch on my face and injustice. Or maybe not quite injustice, but something unfair. It didn’t feel targeted. For the first time maybe, I felt impersonal, unmotivated and heavy cruelty.

Thomas was a football player of mythic proportions, a torso of concrete and legs made thick just from making sure his upper half didn’t topple over. He was marvelous, and at all times mildly disappointing, a perfect picture of inefficient smashmouth football just before the sport discovered better ideas. Thomas carried the ball 37 times for 199 yards, but he was outdone by Damien Anderson, who rushed for 268 yards on 31 carries in a Randy Walker offense that was one of the first examples of spread football on a big stage.

That game would come to be known as one of the most influential in college football history because of the way an underpowered team shocked another team of Thomas-ian proportions. But lost in the final score is the way Thomas fumbled. He broke through the line for what should have been a game-winning first down, then he simply dropped the ball.

There was and is nothing to be learned from that. The whole was instructive; the details were not. Michigan would have won but Thomas dropped the ball, and then I hurt and I couldn’t make it stop.

I obsessed over that play. At the time, I obsessed over every aspect of Michigan football. I remember falling asleep thinking about Michigan’s ongoing high school recruiting class, its deficiencies and how the current commitments might shape the team. I used to take a football out to our front lawn and play out the upcoming games drive by drive, hucking the ball up in the air and running under it to make a big catch. If I was feeling generous, I’d give the opposition a rare interception. On a related note, I was a pretty lonely kid.

Before I developed a better relationship with sports, I approached them almost exclusively as something my team either won or lost. I decided I ought to take them very seriously, to the extent that everyone should think of me as a person who knew sports. I wanted to have the best answer to every question; I wanted to be a vessel of knowledge that others would rather submit to than challenge.

At the time, it seemed like a hobby. Now I know I was compensating for being a pipsqueak in every other regard. The problem, either way, was how much I had staked my confidence in being right.

In college, I took an internship at a fantasy sports website and learned how dumb I was. I found out there are people who seem to know every bit about everything — things like baseball — who could not only hold a greater mass of information in their brains than me, but could also do so without being an uptight dick about it.

What I should have learned was that caring about things intrinsically, and not for egotistical reasons, opens up our capacity to both know and love more about the world. Instead, I felt like I was drowning, like every moment more evidence was piling on top of me about what a fraud I was, faster than I could claw from under it.

I wondered if I could say I loved sports like I used to, or if I ever loved them to begin with. That period showed me a couple things: 1) That I could bull shit anything in writing, and 2) maybe I should readjust my relationship with sports.

I never stopped wanting to be a sportswriter, which I’ve wanted to be my whole life. But I also picked up a knack for editing, the process of turning your first thought into your best thought, of shaping and shielding and censoring an unvarnished self. That unvarnished self was often a truer self, perhaps. But it didn’t sing, and it never won.

I consider SB Nation my first real job, though when I started it only paid $1 more per hour than the fantasy gig. The difference was at SB Nation I saw a path to who I newly wanted to be. Which is to say, I started chasing a sense of superiority on moral grounds.

Working at SB Nation has never not been exciting, but my first and maybe last thrill was getting to say I worked with Spencer Hall. He’d become my favorite writer by crafting guttingly funny and guttingly poignant things about college football. A universe unfolded out of EDSBS.com, one that was weird and empathetic and antagonistic towards the capital-S Sportswriter lens and voice. Reading him gave me a physical sensation like my belly was made of splintered wood and a family of feral critters was tearing through, and that I ought to be happy for them.

I’ve read Spencer’s 2011 essay GOD’S AWAY ON BUSINESS dozens of times now and it never fails to scare the shit out of me.

None of this matters now. The man or woman in the desk is gone. They will not be returning anytime soon. Outside there are men roaming the streets. No one’s wondering who’s in charge, and that’s why the doors are locked, and the children inside quivering. When the desk is empty, it means anarchy is at your door. There are no permissions or courtesies. Shit just happens, and it happens all the time, and there’s no stopping it until everything you have is gone and bouncing out the door on the shoulders of thieves.

God, or anyone like him, is away on business.

I started aping Spencer then, and I’m still aping him now, though I feel more like myself. Mimic something long enough and you might accidentally discover some of the substance that makes the aesthetic work.

SB Nation taught me a better way to love sports. That what is true and good wasn’t in the results — on the field, or off where discourse boiled down to soggy debate — but in the ephemera. It was in baseball players taking pitches right to the beans.

SB Nation was dedicated to silliness and inclusivity. It highlighted the good people that sports elevated on rare occasions. It never fought along the chauvinistic battle lines that can feel like a mandatory part of fandom; in fact, it emphatically ignored them. And yet even after a decade-plus of existence, people still get upset when we suggest sports don’t have to be experienced in rote, tribalistic ways. Typically all you have to do is check the replies.

We never stated this mission very clearly, which has always kinda been a problem. Probably the problem. But if you paid attention, you saw it reiterated in countless ways. (Just click a letter, and note that none of these people work here anymore.) GOD’S AWAY ON BUSINESS was my value set among the many options, however. It told me that what we love most sometimes isn’t scored; that everyone has a responsibility to define and find joy for themselves, even if it may be outside the rules; and that to invest oneself in wonder and silliness also means taking on the duty to defend them.

At SB Nation I learned I didn’t have to identify by sports. I could have a relationship with them, I could be objective towards them, and I could turn them off. I learned that I have a self outside of what I like.

Working here has forced me to look back and figure out what I truly loved about sports. So far I’ve found two things: Charles Woodson, and the way sports helped a shy kid introduce himself. For me, sports’ best utility has been the way they facilitate genuine connection. Which is almost funny, because we know now the extent that sports are artificial by how easily they’ve disappeared.

But to know that sports have had some importance in one’s life is proof they can’t be trivial. They are real in the fact that we choose to empower them. The score has never mattered. Sports live because we give them life.

I don’t always feel good about that fact. Although I’ve come to terms with being mildly stupid, and I’ve gotten better at appreciating things intrinsically, I still often hate that sports are integral to me and that I’ll leave this mortal coil defined by something that never gave me agency.

There’s an image I’ll never shake. My last visit with my grandfather as he lay on the bed he’d die on. He was person I’ve perhaps wanted to emulate most in this world. A French history professor. The funniest, most considerate person I knew. He made everyone feel heard. I said this at his funeral:

He always paused before he laughed, turning over what you said and taking even the bad jokes and finding their point of redemption. Funny enough, this was a sign that he took you seriously, that he thought what you said mattered, even if you were five years old and nothing you had ever said to that point had ever been important. And because he laughed with you, you couldn’t help but laugh along side.

Just a month or two before I saw him among his final days, prostrate, suffering terribly from dementia and barely able to speak. He no longer embodied the self he had curated over 85 years. I talked to him about Michigan football because that had been the thing we talked about the most. He responded only in smiles and hmphs. I didn’t know if he retained anything I said until I started to leave the room. He said the last words I’d ever hear him say: “Go Blue.”

The image that haunts me isn’t my grandfather: Every memory of him makes me love him more, and I’m more grateful than words can say that in our last interaction we felt connected and happy.

Rather it’s my imagination, seeing myself dissolved layer by layer, body and soul disappearing. What would be left in a reduction of my experiences, love, regrets and relationships that I cultivated or destroyed? It might be sports’ afterimage, an outline of Anthony Thomas.

I feel sports’ absence. Maybe I’ve become accustomed to a constant hum of play, or maybe this pandemic has, in a terrible roundabout way, helped us see what is intrinsic.

But I do miss sports, even if that feeling is a byproduct of muscle memory. I miss fun, and sports have been the best outlet I’ve even known to find it. I’ve had a hard time not seeing this period as an attack on fun, that, more and more, the world is becoming something I don’t want to go back to: stodgy and bitter, a self-perpetuating game to see who’s winning at any moment. It feels like there’s no room left to be quiet and gentle.

I don’t know when fun will come back, and it feels fair to ask if it can. There has never been a good answer whether dumb anger is simply the natural state of things, or something we’ve reinforced on one another. There’s only the imprint that anger has left, deep with slippery walls.

The only thing I know is we all want to belong; that at the root of every fight is ostensibly the same impetus — to be full of love and free of worry once again, to feel complete and want for nothing. We just can’t agree on terms.

But I believe there is a healthy definition of belonging. One that does not subsume you, but lets you position yourself amongst the world, and create your own space as opposed to being dictated its rules. A way of editing that doesn’t entrench self, but amplifies it.

The end of the world is demanding, but we have options. And when I close my eyes, I can still see the world I want.

[ainaindou]

1feb2018

gosh executive dysfunction is gonna kill everything i try to do whether out of love, passion, or necessity. even projects where i am invested 100% voluntarily slowly decay in my hands due to the lack of a drive, and it’s so disappointing.

spotify is probably the best thing ive ever subscribed to 10/10 would recommend

concerning pasts. i’m not sure if i’m healing at all or just just really good at slapping another bandage on. most days it’s all very numb and it feels as if i’m merely processing information as an observer from the outside, sifting through memories and “feelings” that are definitely mine, yet they don’t seem to really affect me anymore. rare moments come when i have more time and quiet and suddenly my mind spins into overdrive and suddenly i’m me again, which is great but also feels immensely awful bc those “feelings” turn from cold information back into actual active ongoing emotions- god knows how awfully i process those things. 

considering the amount of failed attempts at securing a traditional career path it’s probably time to explore other alternative options but i have no real idea where to start. i could idle where i am a bit with no real issue but boy my parents are fking annoying about their passively suggested disapprovals concerning many different aspects of my decisions despite all the support they claim to have.

concerning present. context is actually super important and there’s never really enough. a habit of mine, for comfort and ease of mind i love to set clear and concrete definitions as to what certain relationships between myself and other people, and lock it as such inside my head. but relationships are organic and they grow and change and even sometimes decay. so it happens a bit too often that suddenly something happens that’s completely out of my expectation and calculations one way or another and i have to redefine exactly what is my standing with another person. sometimes adaptation is very easy and of little consequence, but other times, the complete relationship becomes rotten due to this. part of it is on me, whether or not i want to invest further energy to try and salvage a disconnect. part of it is on the other side, whether they want to be patient with me or not. as a side, i’ve only met two people in my life so far that share my exact social dynamic, one in which we can comfortably hold our relationship in indefinite stasis for whatever length of silence just so happens to transpire between us, and then easily pick up momentum wherever we left off and develop things mutually at our convenience. that’s super precious to me, and very comforting to be fairly honest since i know i’m not the only one who functions in this way.

i’m not super sure what my next big purchase will be. i do want a full-powered workstation/gaming rig, and i also want a cintiq. but i’m functioning fine with the tools i have right now. i could finally invest in the doll collection i’ve been thinking of, but where the fuck to i even start lol. my living arrangements are very temporary anyways and to invest in a physical item collection right now might not be the best.

i’ve migrated partially from tea to coffee. not like a full migration, but more like i just guzzle both now 24/7. tea at work and coffee everywhere else.

concerning future. ambitions grows slightly dimmer every year bc reality becomes more concrete. there’s also a really weird thing where i “know” what is optimal to pursue, but the arbitrary scale of effort vs reward makes it so that i don’t bother to optimize. this is a statement that applies to so many aspects of my life, and the end result is my life is mediocre. not great, but not horrible. vaguely i thought about seeing if i wanna find a way to become a tattoo artist bc for one thing im super interested in meeting and working with (on) people that normally wouldn’t be in my field of sociability. in any other context ofc i wouldn’t even bother bc my social energy level is like below negative but anyways i should look into that. it’s something, at least.

about actual romantic relationships. it almost feels weird to me that i have any sort of experience at all. and it also feels super alien to me (for most part) that i even care about this aspect of my life still. predominantly, i can’t be bothered. i spend almost all of my available effort and energy just barely holding myself and my life together and afloat, how the fuck am i gonna even be able to spare some for another whole living breathing person? my emotional state is super stale too, and it’s not like i have a desire or desperate need for intimacy (quite the opposite sometimes). yet, i think my own situation is somewhat akin to having acquired the taste of a forbidden fruit. i know what i could have, and i crave it so. even full well knowing how poisonous it most likely could become. my past experiences all ended up kinda suck, and i always kinda hate the things i did/didn’t do that made it that way. (except the very first one. we were young and completely naive and stupid some of what she did was fucked up too lmfao so) i kinda crave a very simple sort of distant intimacy and i have n o fucking idea how to describe or define what i want or if anyone else in the world is compatible with what i’m looking for. language fails me for sure bc i’ve tried at least once with this definition with someone else and the end result was we both figured out we said and agreed on the same words but we had very different definitions. our original friendship has been strangled also as a result. which is one other thing that i am exasperated with myself for.. it’s pretty much impossible for me to consider an intimate relationship of any kind with someone unless there’s a pre-existing friendship as a foundation. yet in the pursuit of a deeper relationship it just puts the friendship at risk and i don’t know if this is ever worth it. should i just be happy with the friendship now and like not fuck up shit again? is this also parallel to my tendency to not pursue optimization in my life? but friendship isn’t a mediocre thing either. super confusing and will require further thoughts definitely

ashmute has godly music for whatever’s left of my soul i hope they make another album soon bc there’s not enough.

my nose bothers the fuuuck out of me. not appearance wise, but the fact that the cartilage inside just isn’t properly attached to my skull and so slips off-center all the fucking time but idk if i wanna get surgical procedure done either. same thing about lasik bc i’m actually tired of glasses but laser eye surgery is not perfect and my vision is invaluable to me and my livelihood. idk idk idk.

anyway.

#journal

[readingsbylibramc]

birth chart reading for @lumieredautomne

hello! welcome to your reading. I’m gonna give you a quick overview of what I’m going to analyze about your natal chart. feel free to ask me anything if something isn’t clear, of course. you’ll find out your dominants’ influence on your persona, your physical appearance, impression on others and the way you approach the world; your ego, identity, the real you; your reactions, your desires, inner emotions; your way of expressing your feelings, your mind and ideas; your desires and approach to love; your energy tank, instincts and temperament; in-depth analysis of each house with their rulers and analysis of heavy aspects; love life + soulmates/karmic partners interpretation; your relationship with your friends; your family life; your approach to career and work in general + possible jobs suggestion; your style, fashion sense analysis; life purpose and past life description; basic transits’ analysis to describe your current mood and, last but not least, your secret skills, how to make the most out of your soul and manifest what you desire based on your birth chart.

🦋 chart shape, dominants

your chart is a locomotive shape. this means that you're a very ambitious person, with a lot of energy. mars has a big influence on you, and your life revolves around achieving your goals and being assertive. the empty part of your life is what you have to develop, hence your family, love life and also your m self-esteem, communication and thinking style.

your dominant planets are jupiter, uranus and neptune. you are an extremely lucky person, if you keep a positive mindset you're able to manifest anything beneficial in your life. you're also particularly intelligent and open-minded, and you could be quite artistic and creative as well.

your dominant sign is sagittarius. you have an amazing sense of humor, your personality is so bubbly that it naturally draws people towards you. you're also extremely open-minded, you rarely have prejudices. you have a knack for spirituality, religion, philosophy... anything that can stimulate you mentally.

your dominant element is fire. you have a warm heart, even though it may be covered by your confidence and independence. in fact, you always strive for the first place. people may be intimidated by your presence, as you're a serious competitor. thanks to this competitive nature of yours you may be very positive and optimistic, making you a good and supportive friend/partner.

🌎 ascendant in pisces, 23° / 3rd decan ruled by neptune and pluto

you appear as a very genuine and honest person. you have a reassuring aura about you, which could attract people to you. in fact, you seem and sound like a healer, hence broken people may find comfort in you. you’re an hopeless romantic, and this may make you look sort of naive, almost childlike. you feel the need to revolution the world, there’s an hidden rebel in you that needs change and justice. yet, you struggle to take action. it’s like your assertiveness is stuck deep inside of you, and you can’t take it out. hence, you cope with this through escapism; you may oversleep, overwork, drink, daydream, do drugs… anything that allows your mind to travel away from your sense of justice. you always want to be seen likeable, hence you may act differently based on the situation you’re in. you’re kind of a chameleon. in fact, pisces usually adopts some characteristics from all the signs, that’s why it’s considered confusing, or even fake. identity issues are also common with this placement, as you may feel the need to be part of a group, yet you can’t. you’re too complex to be part of only one category, you can’t classify yourself. you may often be, or at least look, sleepy. your eyes have a very dreamy look on them, and they’re probably very big and round. possibly, they’re also hooded. your skin may be naturally pale, or at least there’s something light on your face, even like some tiny sparkles in your eyes. you may also have a naturally good skin, and I’ve noticed that pisces rising people tend to have distinctive hands? for example, you may have long fingers or beautiful, natural long nails. also, you could have a button nose and an overall long face, with a pointy chin and a wide forehead.

pisces ascendant square sagittarius venus: this aspect makes you more sociable and prone to interact with people. you’re also most probably very attractive, people are naturally drawn to you. the downside of this placement is that you may suffer from self-esteem issues, as you really care about others’ impression of you. maybe you’re a little bit clumsy too. it’s easy for you to gain popularity, but be careful as it’s not always good. popularity brings scandals too, so people you see in your everyday life could possibly start gossips around you. the good thing about this aspect is that you emanate loyalty, so you usually attract and choose loyal and trust-worthy partners. this placement may also bring issues and problems in marriage with your future partner, even though I don’t think it’s your case. your venus is well-aspected, so I don’t think there’ll be serious problems.

🌞 sun in aquarius, 12° / 2nd decan ruled by uranus and mercury

this is the most intelligent aquarius decan. even though you may face some insecurities, you’re typically a strong-minded person. you strive for independence, as you focus your existence on your witty intellect. you have the ability to achieve great things, as your mind is literally revolutionary, even though you may struggle to make those projects concrete. a downside to this placement is that you may not give enough importance to your words; you’re brutally honest, and you may often hurt someone with your thoughts. even though you may appreciate it, as you don’t like it when people aren’t straight-forward, you probably don’t realize the effect your words can have on others. you’re also quite stubborn, and you take particular pride about your ideals. you may feel offended when people disagree with you. or maybe, you don’t even say your opinions, because you could be aware of the weight of your words and you don’t want to hurt others, or you’re afraid of being judged. people may define you as cold, but you’re really not.

aquarius sun conjunct aquarius mercury: you express your ego and identity through your words and ideas. you’re very opinionated and you protect strongly your beliefs. after all, you probably came up with your ideals after thinking deeply about them, you were too precise to be wrong. you’re also probably an avid reader, and you could do well in writing yourself, as you’re able to properly convey your ideals with your words. also, with your pisces energy you are naturally good at writing poetry, songs or even fantasy stories. your mind is very active, and you feel comfortable letting all your thoughts out. it’s actually a way to relieve stress. you also have a wide vocabulary, and you’re capable of making a formal speech if you have to. you have a memorable way of speaking, as your words are very sharp. it’s hard for you to be ignored for your intellect.

🌙 moon in pisces, 11° / 2nd decan ruled by neptune and the moon

hands down my favourite moon sign! you're extremely empathetic and sensitive, you care a lot about others and you treat others' problems as if they were yours, you get totally immersed in them. you have quite a vivid imagination, you're able to idealize and picture anything you want. while this placement gives you an incredible amount of creativity, it can also make you uncomfortable. in fact, you may actually find yourself imagining every detail of every situation, even the worst ones. let's suppose you hear of a rape at the news; you literally start imagining the scene detail by detail, and it makes you extremely uncomfortable. actually, it literally ruins your mood, as it's as if you actually lived that scene. going back to the creativity matter, you have the soul of an artist; you have very enhanced emotions, and you're able to express them through artistic outlets. you could be amazing at writing poetry, books, art, music... also, your particular empathy of human's intellect can also make you an amazing psychologist or actress, as you're able to understand others' feelings and make them your own. you're extremely spiritual, and if you don't feel like that, you just have yet to have your spiritual awakening. you may be able to talk to spirits, for example, or perhaps you have very meaningful dreams. or maybe, you could literally predict the future through them. you're also most probably an avid daydreamer, you tend to get distracted easily because you're too busy thinking about random scenarios in your head. seriously, you could even make a movie out of them. you're also an hopeless romantic, and you dream of finding not just your spouse, but your literal soulmate. to make it simple, you want all of your daydreams to become reality.

pisces moon square sagittarius jupiter: you enjoy making different experiences and living your life to the fullest, making you also a risk-taker. you may lack self-control. with this trait you get bored easily, and you may have a reputation for being flaky. you tend to overindulge; you may spend too much money, or even develop eating disorders like binge-eating. at least, you're able to build your life again and have a fresh start, but you risk to get stuck in this cycle. you have the potential to master different talents, but you may struggle to develop them due to this placement. you're a procrastinator, and you find it hard to focus on more things at the same time. you may also attract people with different beliefs and ideas from you, causing you to fall out with them easily. there are also positive sides to this placement, though! you're probably naturally lucky, even though luck may not always be by your side. you have a nice sense of humor, making you more likeable.

pisces moon conjunct pisces saturn: you tend to hide your emotions under a severe, strict mask. the way you approach others is influenced by your sense of defensiveness, making you lack genuinity. this comes from a fear of intimacy and dealing with your inner, deeper self. it's like you're hiding from your own emotions, so of course you will never be able to express them properly if you're not aware of them. to learn saturn’s lessons, you need to overcome your trust issues. find someone you truly trust and open up to them; it’s only a small step, but once you become more comfortable with someone else, you’ll start feeling better in your own shoes too, trust me.

🗣 mercury in aquarius, 16° / 2nd decan ruled by uranus and mercury

mercury is exalted in the sign of aquarius, so this is definitely a beneficial placement! you have a very distinctive way of thinking and speaking. you don't like being like others, you don't follow trends. you're probably the trendsetter, and you may find confidence and pride in your ideas and opinions. some may even define you weird, but you have very strong beliefs that could actually be helpful for the world. you're quite 'ahead' of others from this point of view, you're able to find beauty in things without being influenced by others. for example, you may follow a fashion trend before it gets viral. you are able to come up with very innovative ways of solving problems, you're extremely creative. you may even be the type to invent your own words, or perhaps you love learning and reading new words, you have a wide vocabulary. you're also probably interested in science and any darker or logical topic, you want to use your words and theories to change something in the world. you want to leave an impact, maybe even help others through your mind. you have a very witty sense of humor, you most likely speak fluent sarcasm and you're also very astute. I would say that the only problem with this placement is that you may come off as a know-it-all. you're proud of your intellect, you can't help but show it off, but obviously others may be jealous of you or feel attacked. for your voice, I assume you have a very particular tone, maybe even a nasal voice.

aquarius mercury opposite leo mars: this placement makes you slightly more aggressive with your words. as a result, it makes you look more assertive and almost bossy. you could often attack people with words when you get angry, and you can get quite provocative too, even though it may happen in a more passive way. you still have your libra mercury’s elegance and diplomacy in you, after all. even though you’re quite controversial for the way you speak, you’re still very sensitive to others’ words. your self-esteem tends to find its base mostly on others’ opinion about you, and you always look for reassurance from your loved ones. to deal with this hard aspect, you need to think before you speak. if you have troubles understanding others’ feelings, just think about how you’d love to be treated. patience will just come naturally to you.

❤️ venus in sagittarius, 26° / 3rd decan ruled by jupiter and the sun

people may consider you flaky, as you value freedom above all. you may be the type that likes making new experiences regarding love, and you often date your crushes. yet, you feel too limited in a relationship. you don't enjoy committing to someone if that someone isn't perfect for you, you're only completely loyal to the one you consider your true love. you can't give up your freedom, your thirst for adventure and experiences for someone else. basically, your ideal partner would be a risk-taker, someone loyal but not too clingy, that is down to go on a road trip in every moment. someone impulsive, that could help you stepping out of your comfort-zone. you're probably into those youthful love stereotypes, e.g. high school dates. you want your relationships to be filled with excitement, you despise boring, traditional and cheesy things. you may also find yourself being attracted to unavailable people; that is, you could fall for people that are already taken, or maybe they're physically unavailable, e.g they live abroad or in another city in general. you're also attracted to foreigners, and people that have a wise, yet bubbly aura around them.

☄️ mars in leo, 26° / 3rd decan ruled by the sun and mars

praise and success are what motivate you the most. your main goal in life is being praised for achieving your goals, you wouldn't feel motivated without compliments. therefore, you put energy in things that make you feel confident and noticed, as you enjoy being seen. for example, if you feel confident being well-dressed, you could spend hours in the closet to look how you want. you are very creative, you get an energy boost through creative outlets, and hence your hobbies (reading, writing, dancing, singing, drawing, etc.) recharge your battery. this placement also makes you very extra, especially with people you're close to. you may gesticulate a lot, you could as well enjoy mimicking others' voices. you're basically very dramatic, you seem like an actor when you react, but at least you're very fun and entertaining to watch and listen. this placement, it gives you a strong charisma that, and combined with your pisces rising, it makes it impossible not to notice you. you could overreact from time to time, and you may also be particularly pessimistic, but above all you appear as someone very bold and strong-minded.

leo mars square sagittarius pluto: with this placement, I assume that when you were younger you were some sort of victim. you could have been bullied, for example, you used to be insecure about the way you looked and were. you could have felt different from others, and they took advantage of that to make you feel even more insecure. or maybe, it was a parent, or every authoritative figure in your life, that restricted you from following your own ideals. because of that, now you constantly feel the need to prove yourself. you probably tend to accumulate a lot of anger all together, which you need to let all out or you could explode. you could find comfort in physical ways to relieve stress, like punching bags, slamming doors, etc. or perhaps, when you're angry you just get overwhelmed by all of your emotions. you may cry, scream, even throw up in certain cases. on the other hand, you are extremely magnetic and attractive to others, you naturally draw people towards you. you're also extremely passionate in whatever you do, you put your whole heart in doing things you love. you're very hard-working and determined to achieve your goals, making you extremely dedicated.

🏡 houses

your 1st house is in pisces. you are like a chameleon, you're able to detect others' vibe and act in a pleasant way for them, you probably get along with strangers easily. you're very sensitive, but also slightly insecure. in your first years, I assume you had troubles embracing your appearance. you may have felt ashamed of it, and you self-esteem was low. you may have amazing artistic talents and a large imagination. yet, you may often live too much in your imagination. the ruler of the 1st house is in the 11th house: people may see you as very friendly and original, maybe also mysterious. this placement enhances your aquarius energy even more, and hence you may also seem very distracted, perhaps even a bit moody. you have a poweful vibe around you, and you may also have a sixth sense or acute intuition.

your 2nd house is in aries. aries is ruled by mars, the planet of action. placed in the house of money and self-esteem, you could make money easily and fast. you could find yourself receiving money from others quite often, or perhaps you're able to get jobs that allow you to earn a decent income. you may also react easily to diets, workouts, but also when you overeat. you may both gain and lose weight easily. possibly, you could speak very fast and / or loud and you may even suffer from hyperthyroidism. the ruler of the 2nd house is in the 6th house: your future career will allow you to earn a great amount of money. you could be quite wealthy already, or perhaps you'll get so wealthy that you'll gain a reputation for it. you may work with money, so for example as a notary, or even with food or aesthetics / arts. you may also make money from helping people, therefore you could work in the health field for example, or even with animals.

your 3rd house is in taurus. this placement makes you extremely good at making your ideas concrete. for example, if you have in your head the melody of a song, you don’t just hum to it, nor you daydream about how it may turn out. you actually write it down and play it, and it’s good for you to have such a placement with your heavy pisces energy. you can also gain money from these hobbies. the ruler of the 3rd house is in the 10th house: your job may involve communication, you'll most probably interact with other people in your future career. or maybe, you might write stuff, hence you could be a writer, a journalist, etc. possibly, you would do well as a therapist too. also, you could often have to do short trips to reach your college / work place, perhaps in a bus for example.

your 4th house is in gemini. you’ve always been a smart kid, that’s probably what your childhood revolved around. you most likely were a diligent student, and your parents took a lot of pride in your marks. you might have been really chatty with your friends, and maybe you used to get scolded because of that. your parents could have been a little strict or moody with you, therefore you probably used to argue often, but nothing too serious. I don't see you having any kind of trauma from your home environment. the ruler of the 4th house is in the 11th house: you could find yourself having many childhood friends, or friends younger than you. also, they're most likely from your same country / city too, and you may be quite similiar and see eye to eye on a lot of matters. they may be very affectionate and sensitive, and they'll help you dealing with your insecurities.

your 5th house is in cancer. when it comes to light romance, you mainly look for someone caring and affectionate who can help you to grow up and make new experiences. you’re attracted to hobbies that let you express your feelings and emotions. e.g, you may create very personal art or poetry. you may also prefer spending your spare time by yourself at home rather than going out with your friends. it's your way of relaxing and expressing your feelings, you may have hobbies that meet your emotional needs. the ruler of the 5th house, the moon is in the 12th house: you may have spiritual hobbies, that is meditation, yoga, tarots, astrology, religion, etc. you're also most likely an homebody, you don't like clubbing and going out, you prefer staying by yourself or with your loved ones.

your 6th house is in leo. you approach routine and work in a joyful manner. you are productive, but your routine is never boring. you also need to include your hobbies and creativity in your day-to-day life, or you wouldn't be at your best state. mars is also sitting here: your life revolves around being productive. you don't like to waste your time, you always try to learn and gain something useful from everything you do. that's caused by the fact that you're motivated to be perfect in what you like; this, combined with your competitive nature, may often cause you to burn out. in fact, the downside to this placement is that you may overwork yourself too much. this is bad, especially considering your heavy pisces dominance: pisces are all about imagination, creativity, vacation, relax... if you work too much, you don't have time to travel with your mind, you can't relax and have fun. in fact, it may be hard for you to endure too much hard work. you're capable of achieving your goals, but in order to do that you also need a break from time to time.

your 7th house is in virgo. when it comes to love you’re quite picky, and you want your future spouse to match your definition of perfection. hence, you may start losing interest in them as soon as they commit a mistake, even if it’s not serious. because of that, you may often experience break-ups, or even separation/divorce, even though I don't think it's your case; mercury is both well-aspected and well-placed, so I wouldn't worry if I were in you. you're definitely more romantic than the typical aquarius sun. as your pisces moon confirms, you need to feel tied to someone to function at your best. you want everybody to like you, you fear rejection and being humiliated. your reputation is very important for you, and that could lead you to be extremely insecure when others judge you negatively, you're easy to influence. lastly, you could find yourself often thinking about your relationships with others, and also you try to be extremely kind with your words.

your 8th house is in libra. you have a very balanced approach to matters like secrets and sex. for you it’s all about giving and receiving; for example, you may only open up to a friend when they also reveal their deepest secrets to you. you don’t want to feel below them, it’s a sort of mechanism to feel as if you have control of the situation. possibly, you may also experience a lot karma around your relationships. you could date people from your past lives for example, hence your soulmates. or perhaps, when you commit something wrong in a relationship, it'll most likely come back to you. yet, these moments help you becoming more mature and transforming into the best version of yourself. the ruler of the 8th house is in the 10th house: in your job, you'll probably end up dealing with other people's affairs. that means that you could become a notary, work in a bank...

your 9th house in scorpio. you literally give all of yourself in school, even though you might have had some troubles. maybe there were a few bullies/mean girls that caused you troubles, or perhaps your parents influenced your studies too much and you ended up choosing something that you didn't like. yet, jupiter and pluto here indicate that school helps you transforming and growing up. you probably learnt or will learn a big lesson in school that will help you appreciate yourself more for who you are. overall, you went through major transformations during your school life, which helped you to find who you are today. maybe, you’ve changed class/school often, as you frequently changed your mind about the subjects you wanted to study. the ruler of the 9th house is in the 9th: you’re an open-minded person who’s probably into history, literature/poetry, philosophy etc. you may also have a knack for studying different languages and travelling a lot, as they help you increase your creativity and hence your inner child.

your 10th house is in sagittarius. you may gain a reputation for being very joyful and open-minded. you could possibly work abroad, speaking a different language. you may also have the chance to work in a school environment, and deal with people from any country or culture. venus is also sitting here. it indicates that you find pleasure and energy in work, it's your way to feel free and independent, even it you may work under a boss. it's also where you put most of all your energy, you're very goal-oriented and you strive to be the best at whatever you do. your future career will most likely feel very light to you; you could use your creativity to work, hence you could be a singer, a stylist, an artist, a writer... perhaps, you could even work with children in some way, maybe as a teacher since your mc is in sagittarius, or maybe you could work as a stylist as well. anything creative would be suitable for you. last but not least, you may often date your co-workers, or you may meet your lovers or future spouse at your workplace.

your 11th house is in capricorn, with a stellium involving neptune, uranus, the sun and mercury. you’re very picky with your friends, and you tend to be quite serious in friendships and social interactions. you may crack some jokes, but you take loyalty very seriously. at first, you may also find yourself not having many friends. you only started to get to know new people while growing up. the 11th house is also the house of goals, and you work hard to achieve them. you're very assertive from this point of view, you'd do anything to make your dreams come true. you love working in groups, especially if you're the leader. once someone becomes special to you, you'll do anything to protect them. you're an hardworking person who dreams big, you may be fond of manifesting and you hope to achieve all of your many goals.

your 12th house is in aquarius, with also your moon and saturn. there's an hidden rebel inside of you who has the desire to change the world. yet, you can't seem to free this part of yourself. you're a very spiritual person. you may have the natural talent to read tarots, birth charts... you may also have strange, prophetic dreams. in addition, you may feel uncomfortable diving into your feelings at first, you may tend to be a bit too rational and cold during your first years. you may keep your feelings for yourself, but growing up you'll learn that it's fine to show your true self to others as well, and you'll value your mental health more. you may often find the answers to fight your fears into spiritual outlets, such as astrology for example.

❤️ love life, soulmates

in love, you attract virgo, gemini, sagittarius, pisces and cancer. your future spouse will most probably have pisces and sagit placements. they could be quite self-centered at first, they'll have an exceptional charisma and they will care a lot about their appearance. yet, there's an hidden side to them that is very attached to family and affection, just like you. basically, you'll see eye to eye on a lot of matters. you could meet in a fun situation; it could be at a party, for example, or any kind of social gathering. maybe, you may even meet them online. they are most likely from your same country, and they could even be one of your childhood friends. your children will have cancer; they’ll be very fond of you, and will need lots of care and affection. they could be crybabies, but they’ll be very attached to their family. also, they will be very mature yet playful, they'll be very interesting individuals with strong morals.

👶🏻 family life

your mother is a very intelligent person, she's probably very talkative and witty, and she also has a nice sense of humor, even though she could be a bit immature or self-centered at times. she most likely has leo or aquarius placements in her chart, together with libra and / or taurus. your father is also very funny and sociable, he's probably quite extroverted even though he might be more strict than your mother. he’s probably interested in foreign languages/culture. he may be an aquarius, a pisces, a libra or any other earth sign. if you have siblings, they probably have taurus, libra, or earth placements. perhaps, you have an amazing relationship with them, you hardly argue and you're all very mature.

📊 career

you have probably a creative talent to you that could make you quite successful. you would also make a great singer, actress, writer, model, photographer... you'll basically get to communicate something in an artistic, creative way. overall, you want a job where you don't really have to depend on others. actually, you probably strive to be your own boss. you may also have to work abroad, or at least you'll get to travel for your job. you may have to interact with foreign people or even speak foreign languages, and you may also make a good teacher/professor, in general anything that has to do with history and literature.

👚 fashion sense, style analysis

your sagittarius energy screams grunge! you probably love 90s/00s aesthetic, with fishnets, black, burgundy, belts, leather jackets... all of this stuff. also, oversized clothes are a must for you. you may especially be fond of wearing tight tops with baggy jeans or viceversa: tight pants, possibly leggins, with big, long sweatshirts and t-shirts. it's very comfortable, but you still make it look trendy and particular with your charisma. you may also love printed things, especially graphic t-shirts. for shoes, I'd say trendy sneakers and boots are a must in your wardrobe.

👁 past life, life purpose

during your past life, you probably didn’t have as many challenges as in this life. you most likely used to be very independent and stable; perhaps, you were rich, hence you didn’t really need to rely on others to survive. in this lifetime, you need to put your independency aside, you need to trust people and develop strong bonds with them. your path to luck and abundance may be long and steep, but you may achieve great personal success in this lifetime thanks to your relationships with others. you just need to work on your self-esteem and have stable finances without being too materialistic, you shouldn’t over-indulge. money is important, but you probably won't struggle with that in this lifetime, so focus on feeling comfortable with others. you may be meant to marry someone rich, or perhaps you're going to get an inheritance.

🤔 major transits analysis / july 10th

transit saturn is currently conjunct your natal sun in the 11th house; in these days, you could be feeling a little down. perhaps you feel unlucky and unmotivated, you may feel as if your efforts are never repaid. you could also be feeling insecure about your personality and / or physical appearance, and hence you prefer staying by yourself alone. on the other hand, transit jupiter being conjunct your natal moon makes you feel more at peace with yourself, you probably prefer being alone in these last days. you could be feeling quite needy of affectionate, but also quite moody, therefore be careful to avoid arguments.

🧿 manifest what you want, secret skills

with your water placements, you probably have a 6th sense. you’re able to manifest what you want if you subconsciously predict it, even though it may be hard. you’d have to get in touch with your higher self to do so, and hence I would suggest you to light up some candles and meditate for a bit before manifesting, in this way it will be way more effective. you may manifest something while daydreaming, for example. or perhaps, you can also try listening to your own affirmations while you sleep, as you won’t be consciously aware of that. it’s probably the most effective way.

and this is it! thank you for booking a reading, I hope it resonated with you :)

-libramc xx

#astrology

[spamzineglasgow]

(REVIEW) A Context in Flux: Azad Ashim Sharma’s ‘Against the Frame’

In this review, Maria Sledmere explores the representation of global conflicts and everyday politics of hybridity, identity, xenophobia and experimental poetics within Azad Ashim Sharma’s debut publication, Against the Frame (Barque Press, 2017).

That brings us back to what the ambition of theory may be -- what theory desires. That's difficult to answer, but I think a theory should go beyond illuminating the deep structure of an event, object, or text, should do more than establish or embellish the framing discourse within which this object of analysis is placed. What the theory does first of all is respond to a problem. You look at what you can't use -- you look at the explanations you have for something and you feel that they aren't translatable, that they don't adequately illuminate something about another form of thought, or the event of a thought. So you are moved to begin to rethink.

— Homi Bhabha

> Azad Ashim Sharma’s collection Against the Frame (Barque Press, 2017) is dedicated in memory of his grandparents, A. B. Kazi and Zainab Ebrahim Asvat. This is a book that speaks to the lineages of the personal as much as the political; to imply some sort of separation between each would be to deny the woven threads of oppression, racism and prejudice as they play out in lived experience. Against the Frame is a book of contemporary Britain in the context of racialised phobias, charged disasters on a global scale, intergenerational traumas and media distortions. Comprising 42 pages of untitled lyric poems, it’s a restrained, brooding navigation of love, solidarity, terror and belonging in all its loaded forms. It lashes when it must, devastates with softer images then cuts to the chase like a certain look exchanged across the platform of a tube station. It works by sequence, contrast, accumulation. Its tone is monochrome, London fog with splashes of scarlet.

> When Homi Bhabha talks of a move towards beginning ‘to rethink’, he means with theory, but that’s not to exclude poetry. For Sharma’s poetry does nothing if not engage with theory, within the fraught realm of a present defined by problematic frameworks of racialised identity, hierarchy and myth. A South London poet of mixed Islamic-Hindu heritage, Sharma is well-poised to unpack these conflicts, as they play out not just in the news, but also in the embodied discourse of the street. Against the Frame engages with ongoing conflicts in Syria, Iraq and Afghanistan, portraying the feedback loops of media representation and everyday interaction. The deceptively ‘simple’ form of the short lyric becomes the ideal stage for intervening within our culture of soundbites and throwaway social media posts. Sharma will show up the terrible collage of our hyper-mediated present with an Imagist’s precision:

More white foreskins must preen like satire with human rights to vote offence and make Arab grave for occidental cenotaph spectaculars.

The often deadpan tone serves to heighten the intensity of the subjects presented. It wouldn’t be quite right to simply say Against the Frame is a ‘polemic’; its lyrics are subtler than the term implies; Sharma uses dramatic or explicit images with simultaneous conviction and restraint. Images of body parts detached from bodies highlights an absurdism around questions of definition, the arbitrary ornamentation of all that identifies our heritage, our skins, our moralised standing. Sharma constantly shows up Western hypocrisies through the lens of specific events as they ricochet between the scene of occurrence and their media and political reception back in Britain and/or Europe.

> In a way, what Sharma offers us is shortcuts to these fraught and complicated issues. I mean shortcuts not to sound reductive, but in fact an expansion, a kind of portal to accessing almost unthinkable knowledges, narratives and trauma. I mean shortcuts in relation to the elliptical tension of two lines that offer so much, that speak so much to what we can or cannot know, that gesture towards the deceptively neat tragedies that our sociopolitical systems propagate: ‘Everything has slipped away / into the algebra of the ballot box’. I mean also shortcuts that hold complexity within the torque of discursive ironies:

Precarity has become the buzzword for whiteness. A whiteness so world interior that it mistakes itself for the critique of itself & forces that critique upon us.

There’s the understatement of the ampersand, the sense that Sharma so adeptly shows up the hypocrisies of white logic, the workings of white universalism, via the cutting restraint of what resembles a philosophical argument. Sharma reveals how one accepted, mainstream proposition or assumption can be so easily undermined by its own logic, the way it plays out. Hearing Sharma read, however, these lyrics acquire by their very reasoning, their surprising warmth, a force that touches the compasses of both emotion and ‘common sense’. Live, Sharma reads in a way that is powerful and ‘held’, as well as conversational (his frankly incredible two-and-a-half hour SOAS Radio interview attests to this). There is a voice in these poems: for all their sweep and politics, their ability to comment on a general occurrence, their restrained ‘I’, the voice is there like a current, a charge, a bringing together of specificities. A threading, rather than congealing of experience. The voice responds to a problem, the poems stage the coming towards the event of a thought. Sharma’s ‘We’ is a statement of solidarity, a drawing together of histories of oppression. His ‘us’ is generous, empathetic, vulnerable, potential with united strength. Writing in Threads (2018), Nisha Ramayya argues:

I think of the weaving frame as a context in flux, that may be moved and expanded across spaces and times, that may transgress national borders and rational systems, a potentially unlimited context. I think of threads as parts that frame, as repetitions that enable memory, destruction and recreation, as continuities that loop and accrue meaning.

Being Against the Frame is to be against the frame: the representation that holds in singular, that imposes one narrative upon a plural experience of difference and identity in space and time. Ramayya’s revised sense of the frame is one that catches hybridity in its many woven strands. The way Sharma draws in the dialogue tags of familiar platitudes and wrenches them astray with control and poise feels a bit like weaving, or at least reworking in the sense of a craft, a generative movement towards production, expression, improvisation or inhabited pattern. I can’t help but think also of the work of pace and echo, the soulfulness of honesty, the pass between the ‘I’ and the ‘you’, the double consciousness of the seeing and seen, the collective and singular held within a hybrid identity:

When we look in the mirror we are made to fear ourselves. When you look in the mirror you see the victim, the innocent. And you say these images are easy, simple, don’t experiment with your language enough!

Here, Sharma challenges common Anglo-American critical receptions of BAME poetry, which tend to read work solely by way of the poet’s racial identity, ignoring vital innovations in form within their work. To write of that familiar trope, the glance in the mirror, is apparently to lack ‘experiment’, to write with ‘easy, simple’ images. I can’t think what it is, but those last two lines compellingly echo for me. Almost like a Basho haiku, a spellbinding line from Ariana Reines or a familiar Imagist lyric I can’t quite place. The direct ‘you say’, which speaks beyond the event of the reader encountering this particular poem, and gazes hard at entire histories. In the way that H.D.’s rich and mythical lyrics challenged perceptions and receptions of gender and sexuality in women’s poetry, Against the Frame unravels the myths of racialised experience by forging a space for concrete realities of daily struggle. Sharma defies you to shut down or dismiss that powerful image of the mirror, the duality of terrorist and innocent, inside and outside, held in the self contained by mainstream representation.

> His work is experimental in its suffusion of image, the clarity of sentiment delivered in complex affects which cut across genres, discourses and times. To say this is ‘contemporary’ is to acknowledge the historical context of its occurrence, but also to emphasise the ongoingness of its tensions in the public and private spheres of the mind and the street, the self and the city, the comment section and the television. Some of Sharma’s lines are beautiful and striking in their simplicity, lines that demand to be read again and again like crashing waves, whose interruptions are the fissures we cleave by policy and political gesture:

My drowning nourishes your eyes and in your passivity overflowing all passivity before the stimulation you ban my existence without an apology.

Of course the word ‘ban’ would link me to Bhanu Kapil’s stunning Ban en Banlieue (2015), a strange kind of lyric, prayerful novel which follows its young brown (black) female protagonist home from school in the insurgent moments of a riot. A novel which quotes from Giorgio Agamben, ‘To ban someone is to say that no-one may harm him’. Ban herself ‘is a dessicated form on the sidewalk’. To dessicate is to remove the juices, the moisture of something, often for preservation. The banning of someone’s existence is, Sharma’s poem suggests, an act of self-preservation. What dessicated bodies must we keep on the streets to hold our nation? Sharma asks such questions in the braided turns of an intimate poetics of the body, of the polis, of the everyday. What is staged goes beyond the term ‘micro-aggression’ and accumulates throughout these short lyrics as a scarlet thread of pain, a woven history that binds its heritage to the unfolding contemporary. As with Claudia Rankine’s Citizen (2014), subjectivity in all its tensions is essayed through scenes of daily encounter, through weighted shifts between the ‘I’ and the ‘you’ and the ‘we’. Whose clothes do we wear, whose skin do we share, how does this matter, what language becomes us now?

> ‘This montage is a garb for unfreedom’, Sharma writes. I think of poetic form, and something Lisa Robertson says about how garments are ‘lyric structures’. These poems envelop you, they are a distinctive ‘garb’; they make fraught visibility of their subject in the world. Sharma’s montage of detail is a clustering, held quick in the space of short lyric. You can read all these poems at once, as I did walking through the park on an incongruously bright May day; their sequence demands a sort of anxious thirst from the reader. Yet this imperative is also held on a single page, that space of clearing and tension and dwelling. The way the poet might juxtapose within a line two fraught images: ‘like bullets in a kidney | like mud on an eyelid’, the staged virgule highlighting what can be done in the 'special now’ of lyric poetry (Jonathan Culler), what comparisons made. One simple trace of mud to weigh up against a bullet shot through an organ. We think about violence, the marks we leave. We think about writing.

> With fresh and commanding expression, Sharma recalls myriad acts of violence, social exclusion, economic oppression and cognitive dislocation within the racialised, xenophobic space we call this nation. He probes ‘ways of knowing’ in the pointed, short-circuited era of ‘gunpoint’ and ‘discount’, the ‘known chaos’ of mass media and its vortex of paranoia and accusation. If the frame is that which stages one event, often anachronistically, in the context of another, then to be ‘against’ the frame is to offer alternative shortcuts to diversity within representation. The work of lyric as the work of the chorus or commons, but also as the work of empathy, a coming towards understanding, a making space for thought. What Bhabha says of theory rings true for Sharma’s poetics: this is a rejection of existing frames for thinking racialised experience, a woven, experimental movement that finds space in its formal poise for translating racialised conflicts, contradictions and the ‘climate of fear’ kept aflame by the hostile temperatures of mass media discourse.

~

Endnotes

I recently heard Sharma read for the first time at an 87 Press event held at Typewronger Books in Edinburgh, alongside Dom Hale, Callie Gardner and Gloria Dawson. The way he delivered poems from this collection, as well as several new ones, interlacing personal anecdotes, shout outs and apologies for (I’m possibly glossing here) being ‘a South London poet in Scotland, complaining about South London’, marked a warmth and openness that went beyond the space of that bookshop, that Saturday eve. A maturity and sobriety that challenged my own sense of what poetry can do, the conversations and intimacies it might spark, the space and care and attention it holds. Sharma’s SOAS Radio interview is such a trove of musings on personal histories, higher education, politics, philosophies of hybridity and the contemporary poetry scene, not to mention an excellent playlist of UK dubstep, jazz, blues, rap and more. It’s rare that poets get so much radio time, let’s face it, so do have a listen :)

Against the Frame is out now via Barque Press and can be purchased here. 

Text: Maria Sledmere

#REVIEWS #review #poetry review #The 87 Press #Typewronger Books #poetry #poems #lyric poetry #xenophobia #media #Homi Bhabha #Threads #Azad Ashim Sharma

[neostriatum]

In a city where reality has long been forgotten

[AO3] [Dreamwidth]

She was charged with tracking a wayward spilling of god's blood. So, it was only reasonable to have her long-time friends come along and help out.

The ichor was old, minerality creeping in as it meshed into the mortal realm. She wrinkled her nose at the putrid smell, huffing as the scent faded.

It was a difficult trail to track - hundreds of years could come and go, in this age of mortal travel among the stars, and the eons stretched as the stars did warp under these new means of transport. For those immortal, a sigh could now cover eras rather than generations.

Nevertheless, Tikhuduška was a reputable tracker. Such a challenge would not go under her watchful gaze; even if it did, the spirits Veles loaned her would cover that which she could not see. They lingered even now in her peripheral, not quite in either mortal or immortal realm.

“Ajda,” She commanded, moving away from the trail, “Tell me what you see.”

The faded smudge of a woman came forward, the motion of walking still instilled in her spirit despite the millennia of a long-lost body. She knelt, peering at the god’s blood that glittered to them despite the nighttime lighting on the concrete. “I see life,” The spirit eventually said, a wistful tone to her pronouncement, “Their heart beat strongly, here, so vigour is still left in them.”

“Hmm.” She gestured for the spirit to follow behind her again, trotting off in the direction another of the spirits was confirming her own senses, “Wid, where did they go?”

Wid, for their part, was transfixed on the ephemeral trail before them. Older than Ajda, and some days Tikhuduška felt only present by the affixition of a name, their spirit was tattered by time. They were still gifted at following the lines a soul left, and with a glance at the streets nearing them that led toward this level of the city, she followed after them.

The others would follow, bound to her as Veles had commanded and unbound by the constraints of a corporeal form that would slow them down at the pace Wid drifted. She worried not, more concerned with the puzzling path that their prey had taken.

The high-pitched sound of traffic rattling by pricked her ears, making her grumble as she trod the narrow fire escape that creaked precariously despite her ethereal weight. It’s not like the rest of my form carries over in this shape, she thought, trying to keep sight of Wid through the echoing strobes of light serving as a safety feature.

You are lovely, anyway, rippled across her mind, its teasing edge belying Zdravko’s honeyed compliment. Had this form eyes easily rolled, she would have done so to the man’s cheerfulness - as it were, the sigh seemed enough conveyance, and his laugh echoed across all of them, inciting a burble of laughter in a passing apartment, Tikhuduška, it is nice to stretch my legs.

“You don’t even have any,” She muttered, slipping through the window cracked open just enough to slink through as a snake. It was far too cold to stay thusly, and reverted to something with more fur to keep herself warm. Immortal or not, a chill was unbecoming to tolerate.

Zdravko merely raised an eyebrow, barely seen through the guise of dimension that kept them to their own realms. And yours varies on your mood.

Ajda stifled a laugh at her sour look, choosing instead to stand beside Wid as they pondered either the colour of the rug on the floor or the greying pallor of blood it was soaking up - none of them were very sure, but Wid amiably ran a hand through her fur as she neared them. The chill was tempered with absent fondness, unmoored by mortal concerns.

It tasted of the same light that so attracted Wid, and tempered the disgust she felt at the imprints left by the ichor. “Branka,” she called, circling the liquid that spilled between dusty tile and aged rug, “Could you catalog this?”

The scientist bobbed her head, flickering in and out of view as she produced a small, leather-bound book. It radiated the faint scent of Veles’ magic, still carrying the glow of radioactivity that marked its previous life. Tikhuduška curled her tail around her feet, waiting patiently as the other carefully detailed notes about the remnants left by whomever’s blood this was - her only guess was that it was unmixed, and lacking the mortal touch of death.

While Branka was sketching out her observations, the other spirits gathered around her - it made Tikhuduška melancholic, to see the friends she had gathered over the millennia that humanity had gathered in these lands all in one place. Certainly, it could not exist without their passage from life to Veles’ realm, for altogether their lives had spanned centuries of disparate time.

Were it not for the erstwhile minor deity she was commanded to track down, those conferring over the precise details to commit to memory in Branka’s impeccable book would have lingered in perpetuity. Very quietly, so as not not rouse Zdravko’s innate hearing, Tikhuduška thought to herself that sometimes it was wearying to see the marks of time being carved into their spirits that would never touch her own.

“I believe,” Branka announced, turning her book over for Tikhuduška’s inspection, “That this individual has left here.”

Here being this realm, was the implicit meaning. She nodded, appreciating as always the keen eye for detail and ability to condense everyone’s thoughts into a cohesive whole, “Thank you, Branka.”

The conclusion left some difficult ramifications. For one, there were few places the spirits bequeathed to her for this hunt could follow past the mortal realm, for that was where they had come from. For a god, with veins coursing full of ichor, there were many realms they could traverse without such concerns - it opened up the field to Tikhuduška, but it would leave her bereft of her companions.

But that didn’t leave them void of all options, of course. “Zdravko,” She said aloud, for the benefit of Branka and Ajda, who preferred to still use their voices where possible, “Could you work with Wid to see about the realms we can access?”

The man nodded, turning toward Wid with a gentle touch on their arm. They stood silently for a while, naught but the eddying fluctuation of light reflecting their communication. It reminded her of the waves of the sea, back when humans were first figuring out how to build things to cross them.

She found herself missing the creaking of wood and smell of pitch between the seams, and Zdravko’s mind butted against her own in fondness, recognizing when she played ship’s cat on his vessel. Always a good luck charm, you were.

Flatterer. Still, it was cheering, in the way the merchant always was. The smile that stole over her face was echoed by the others, settling the mood over them.

A splintered eon later, Wid roused, leaning into Zdravko. Ajda raised a brow in expectation, curious as to the answer and waiting out the silence.

We can… maybe come along. Was the reluctant answer. Wid looked at all of them while Zdravko shrugged, an arm still steadying their friend. It seems like they wandered around, and then the path fades away shortly after where we can’t reach it.

“How many realms?” Ajda asked, leaning over Branka’s shoulder to peer at the notes again, “This was quite a lot of ichor to lose.”

Three? Maybe four. We’re not sure.

Tikhuduška hummed, thinking, “That’s quite a lot of energy to expend.”

And for a pattern that didn’t add up to a quick jaunt. Branka frowned, “Who were they avoiding?”

“That’s what Veles wanted us to find out,” Tikhuduška shrugged, knowing that their leads were few but dwindling, “Whomever could chase them across so many realms likely had the same access.”

“Maybe,” Ajda pointed out, twisting the edge of her apron, “It’s just like the rabbit going to the burrow-”

It must make it there, first. Zdravko finished, nodding, We do not know if the path is completely followed.

She thought about this, wondering about the likelihood as she circled the pool of ichor once more. Wid remained where they were, transfixed again by the sight, and she was careful not to trip them as she paced. “Would we know?” She pondered aloud, “I do not feel like travelling so far just to answer a possibility.”

“We could… ask.” Branka broached, closing her book quietly and pressing it against her chest.

Tikhuduška’s ear flattened back at the idea. They all knew who they would need to go to, and it would take quite a lot of crafty bargaining for it. “I would need to return all of you home, first,” She reminded them, bustling herself against Wid’s leg as they shifted agitatedly at the idea, “And I don’t precisely have anything to bargain with.”

“Let’s see how far we can go first,” Ajda said instead, and that rather nixed the dilemma in the bud.

The portal to the following realm that Wid indicated was close enough by that it settled all of them, not least for how it prolonged Tikhuduška needing to return them to Veles’ realm, and they breathed a collective sigh of relief at how the change in frequency changed their equilibrium to something brighter and more defined.

It was an easier thing, now, to trot alongside each other and track the peculiar notes of ichor they were slated to learn the sound of. Tikhuduška had changed into a mare for the occasion, Wid taking prime spot as the others switched around as they pleased.

True to his words, Zdravko kept pace with her as they followed the newest lead on their path, one hand on her mane in companionable quiet. It wasn’t quite like ambling along the man’s ship, but the spirit of the gesture was there.

Unusually, it became brighter the longer they followed their trail. Wid patted her shoulder in askance to dismount, and curiosity getting the better of her, she knelt to allow them easier passage to the ground. Like a bloodhound, Wid paced for a moment, then set off briskly into the fog of light that refracted in brilliant colours.

Zdravko took their place with swiftness, and Tikhuduška set off at a canter to catch up. While they were a few degrees away from the mundane realm her friends were used to, it was close enough for an energetic worry at what awaited them - it was brighter than their previously-visited realm, but this was unusually so, despite how Ajda shaded her eyes.

Music filtered over to them, acoustic and yet following along to some rhythm that only just registered to them. It sounded whimsical, making Branka tap a foot against her side to the beat despite her unerring stare at a brightness that would have been blinding to mortal eyes.

“And for a moment, we were able to be still…”

Tikhuduška found herself singing along to the dittied notes that interspersed the instruments and words, and a smile worked its way in their direction. Some shifting later, as if a skirt were fluffed and moved out of the way, and she recognized the zvijezda in front of them.

The music faded from their awareness - possibly to the realm where the star was originally from - and Wid led the bow their group made in greeting. “Lady zvijezda,” Tikhuduška said, “Your singing is a lovely use of time.”

“Thank you,” The zvijezda replied, beaming. It was a warm light, and they all basked in it, “But, I must ask - you look too dour to be here for spontaneity. What sours your presence so?”

“We are tracking the source of some ichor,” Tikhuduška admitted, “And we were led to you. Do you happen to know about our source?”

The lady hummed, a swinging rhythm that sounded all too mischievous. Her skirts flushed aside, revealing a godling that lounged in the light. Wid drifted forward, and the way they lingered seemed confirmation enough that this was indeed who they were looking for.

“Boško,” She said gently, letting her friends slip from her back as she crouched to the deity’s level, “It is time to leave, your father is looking for you.”

Like a kit grumbling against leaving the nest, they swatted her nose, and instead she shifted to curl around them, hustling them out of the nest the lady zvijezda was kind enough to make.

“What I don’t understand,” Branka said, peeved, “Was why we were shown so many trails for the ichor.”

The zvijezda smiled indulgently, a pleased glimmer edging it, “Our little god-friend was too shy to admit they had stumbled into a woodsman’s briar. So I offered to help, while they convalesce.”

Branka flipped through her notes, a quick rattle of pages that gusted affront over them as she pondered the new data. “Hah! That explains why it was so faint.”

“Quite so!” The lady star sparkled approvingly, ignoring or ignorant of the way the scientist deflated at the solved mystery. As if in consolation, Branka was granted a touch on the shoulder, “You have found us much quicker than I had bet Boško!”

Tikhuduška shook her head at the poorly-held giggles at the exuberant pronouncement, giving a comforting nudge to the godling with her whiskered nose. “Thank you again, good lady.”

Ajda took care to wave cheerfully at the star good-bye, a healthy flush to her cheeks that reminded Tikhuduška fondly of the way she used to mill flour for the village, “And cheers, that we may meet again!”

--

Author's Notes

Character names

Ajda: from buckwheat in Slovene (x)

Boško: diminuitive form, from Bodgan, which means "given by God" from the Slavic elements bogu "god" and dan "given"." (x)

Branka: "Derived from the Slavic element borna "protection" combined with miru meaning "peace, world"." (x)

Tikhuduška: from tikhu, which means "quiet" (x) and duša, which means spirit or soul (x).

Wid: from wood or wide (x)

Zdravko: from "healthy" (x)

Zvijezda: Croatian for star (x)

#original story #my story

[z-tertle-blog]

Video Games: A Word From a Shy Enthusiast

“No good woman will want to be with a man like that.”

These words hurt me more than I could have ever expected. I will not disclose who said them to me, but it suffice me to say that I highly respected this person’s opinion. To the point that I was modeling myself after them.

“Step five of having a productive life… Don’t play video games, throw them away.”

 a religious leader said to a group of missionaries that I was a part of. I stopped taking notes on what this man said at that very moment.

My name is Zachary Tervort. My whole life has been full of people that have encouraged me and wanted me to “just be myself.” But the moment that I make it apparent that I am an enthusiast of video games they turn tail on this statement. Saying that I need to move on and that it is not a wholesome activity, that it will bring you no good. Claiming that my life would be far better off if I never came into contact with a video game in the first place. This has created a desire in me. To prove those people wrong. Not only will I be a good person that people can look to for an example but also prove that video games are more than capable of creating good in the world but that the experiences they create are better suited to teaching lessons than other media can. Few have taken up the mantle to champion this cause but I am willing to do so. 

To start off. I think that it’s important to state exactly what art is. We need to have a base understanding of what art is. To do so I follow the teachings of two different masters of the subject, Van Doesburg and F. Wellington Ruckstuhl. Doesburg takes the time to define Art in the paper “Concrete Art”. 

“The painting should be constructed entirely from purely plastic elements, that is to say planes and colours. A pictorial element has no other significance than itself and consequently the painting possesses no other significance than itself.” This definition is a bit of an oxymoron. As it gives a definition that explains away any other definition of art. As art only needs to have significance to itself to be valid. So attempting to waive something away as “not art” because it needs to fit some sort of neat and tidy set of requirements.

Ruckstuhl Wrote a paper in 1916 called “What is Art? A Definition” Where he takes the time to define the practice of creating art “Art is the power of doing things which is not taught by nature.” I believe that both of these definitions work in unison to create a new definition that I will use for this entire discussion. 

Art is a combination of techniques, not learned naturally, applied to create a piece for others to enjoy, having no need to defend its own existence as it possesses no other significance other than itself.

Knowing this I would like to ask you, the reader, a question. When was the last time a piece of media taught you something new? I am not talking about an academic subject or a skill. I am talking about something unique to you, or about you? While a rare occasion, I’m willing to bet that many of you can think of, at least, one media item that had a large impact on you or that you remember fondly. 

To keep in the realm of video games, I have an example that is very close to me. The game Persona 5, developed by Atlus in 2016, The main mechanic of what you are doing is mastering “Personas”. Personas are a kind of power that you can interchange to best fit what situation your characters find themselves in. The term Persona is actually a psychology term. Coined by a man named Carl Jung (young). Persona, as defined by Jung, is a mask that people wear in order to cover up the true self and better fit into whatever part of society that we are participating in. This is a very easily understandable phenomenon but there is a dark side to it. With the constant changing of Personas, or “masks” it’s easy to get lost in them. Losing touch with what makes you unique and suppressing your raw self. A loss in personal identity.

After learning what a Persona was I realized that I had done just that. Lost all sense of self and become a pawn in society that just goes along with whatever is happening, adjusting my personality to better fit in. This realization, combined with the events that take place in the game, exploring this concept of multiple Personas but also being in touch with the true self. And by doing so, brings about an attitude of rebellion to an established system galvanized me to be more honest with myself and others around me as I voice different opinions. I don’t want to be afraid of myself anymore. And I have a video game to thank for that change of heart.

The message of Persona 5 in pretty obvious on paper but the true power of these messages comes from the fact that this is a video game. Video games are an interactive medium and give the player the opportunity to experience these events firsthand because your actions move the plot forward. Rather then the characters in a book or film that will play out the same way every time. This experience and emotions that can be felt through another medium was given a name by the great Aristotle: Catharsis

Catharsis is a way to purge negative emotions, safely, by witnessing a tragedy or an act of horror played out in a dramatized way. Catharsis is what video games are the greatest at capitalizing on. Not only are you witnessing these events in that dramatized way but you are also giving input to events and changing them as you go making the catharsis you feel unique to you because of what you did or did not do. It’s not just me that thinks this way. I mentioned early on that there are others that have taken up the mantle to show the worth of video games. One of those kindred souls goes by the name Maximilian Dood. He has made a career out of showing people the kinds of experiences that can be had in a very specific genre or video games. That being fighting games. He has a very popular youtube channel and a Twitch live streaming schedule that thousands of people watch nearly daily. His bread and butter is fighting games but his love of games goes far beyond that. His favorite game ever is a title for the Playstation 1 called Final Fantasy VII (7). In 2015. IT was announced that this game would be getting a remake using modern technology. At Electronics Entertainment Expo (E3) 2019. Max was invited to a media only showing of the game and he recorded a video journal about the experience. That can be watched here. (Foul Language warning)

“Max’s Insane FFVII Remake Story (E3 2019)” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OalvWEJCZBA

When I watch this video. I see a man with a deep love for what he does. And received validation for what he loves. Bringing a grown man to tears. I crave what he has. And I know that I am not alone. I urge you to watch the full video to see the whole range of emotions on display.

It’s at this point that I would like to move on to the practice of making games. In our definition we talked about skills that are not found naturally. The scale and potential for artistry in video games scales with the technology available. However, it will never be able to take advantage of the same techniques that are used in 3D animated movies. A single frame (1/24th of a second) in a film can take days or weeks to render out to a finished product that is ready for public viewing. A game has to condense this time down to anywhere between 0.033 and 0.016 seconds per frame. So Developers have to figure out much more efficient ways to make a game appear visually pleasing and run at a speed that can keep up with the players inputs. 

As a result of the speed requirements for rendering. Full simulations of certain phenomenon are impossible so creative work arounds are needed in order to get a similar look. Water is one thing that has always been a challenge for people to mimic in a virtual space in real time. This is where an artists hand is the most important. Depending on what kind of hardware the game will be running on different methods will be used. There is a wonderful two part documentary on exactly this that will show you how water was recreated from the early days of games all the way to more modern times. “DF Retro H2O! Water in Video Games Part #1” https://www.digitalfoundry.net/2018-07-22-df-retro-h2o-water-in-video-games-part-1

If you watch that documentary, you will better understand what needs to happen to make a game look the way that it does, a little better. But then you can probably think of more simulations that are way to complicated for real time rendering. I believe that the best example of digital artistry in video games is probably Luigi’s Mansion 3. The masterful use of light, animation, and texturing comes to product greater than the sum of its parts. This skill cannot be learned without a lot of practice and experience as animating something that is meant to look like water, but is not actually water is very similar to a painter that needs to make a river stretch into the distance on a flat surface.

A full technical breakdown can be found here.“Luigi’s Mansion 3: Switch Tech Breakdown - A Playable CG Movie on Switch?” https://www.digitalfoundry.net/2019-11-05-luigis-mansion-3-switch-tech-breakdown-a-playable-cg-movie-on-switch

At this point I can do no more than give examples of what to look for in artistry but that is a very subjective thing and I can’t tell you what to like. But hopefully I gave you a good Idea of where to look in order to be able to back yourself up when the next person asks you what good can come from video games. I hope that you are able to feel better about your hobby and are more confident in speaking your mind. Please don’t hide yourself anymore, there are people in the world that want to hear you and learn more about who you are. Don’t be ashamed.

#video games #realtalk

[youdecode]

Self Worth Affirmations | Self Esteem & Self love Affirmations For Women

You know what self worth is?

The building block on which your whole life stands.

Self worth is responsible for making you who are today.

The way you see yourself is vital why? Because:

It is the way others see you

It decides the actions which you take in your life

It manifests what you do/do not want in life (law of attraction)

Interestingly, we all are born with that self worth as after all we are the reflection of this universe.

But that self worth seems to fade away due to:

Childhood experiences (hurtful past)

Bullying

Negative self talk

Surprisingly, it is not that hard to rebuild the self-worth.

One such technique is the use of affirmations.

Through these affirmations, you can feed new positive beliefs in your subconscious mind while simultaneously replacing the negative limiting beliefs about yourself.

Before we dig straight into the self-worth affirmations.

Drill some key points in your mind so that affirmations could actually work for you.

Script or perform journaling for your favorite affirmations so you make the idea more concrete.

Repetition is vital. 5 minutes every morning, afternoon and night will suffice for repeating the list

Believe what you affirm by – counter the negative thoughts which make believing seem impossible.

Here Are Some Related Untapped Posts – The Last Resources Which You Will Ever Need.

87+ Life-Transforming Prompts For Body Image

111+ Insane Journal prompts for depression

1100+ Daily Journal Prompts for Self Discovery

  PS : Don’t forget to grab the freebie at the end of post, specially prepared for you  !

Self Worth Affirmations

I love myself unconditionally

I make time for myself

I give up bad habits for better body

I adopting new habit for better self image

I look after my physical health

I practise ideal self care routine

My body always supports me

I do not tie my self worth with the way i look

I am missing nothing

I am not my body

I do not overthink

I practice kindness to myself every day

I am not my dress size

I am capable of recovering on my own

I wear power and confidence like a coat

I am born leader

I capable of chasing whatever i want

I am successful.

I know all my “whys” in life.

I am beautiful.

I am attractive.

I love myself.

I am succeeding in every goal

I trust myself more than anything

If i will put my mind into anything then i am capable of achieving it.

I can do anything.

I speak my mind.

I own a great intuition

I am extremely wise

I am intelligent

I am capable of defending myself.

I am a winner even if i lose

I am a warrior and fighter

I follow my gut.

I love to do things my way without regrets

I fight for what i believe

I am always hopeful.

My happiness depends on me

I am capable of rising above hardships.

I love to take care of myself.

I am proud of all my small and big accomplishments.

I am naturally polite.

I never hide who I am.

I let go of the expectations.

I do not force any relationship, instead let my relationship happen naturally.

I recover every dating hardship

I love and respect my partner.

I will continue to develop a healthy relations with people

I will communicate clearly and kindly with my partner.

I deserve a healthy relationship.

I own such big heart which is capable of forgiving others

I will compromise where i want

I will never afford anyone devaluing me

I feel proud to be independent

I deserve to be appreciated

I value the people whom i love

I am healy and attractive.

I am free of negativity.

I am beautiful on the inside and outside.

I am comfortable with myself.

I think positively

When I look in the mirror, I see beauty of my soul

I feel good about myself.

I love and own my skin.

Universe has made me naturally beautiful.

I acknowledge and recognize that I have true beauty.

I possess inner beauty.

I am an original. No other piece like me.

I love the way I look.

I love the way speak

I have a friendly, positive, & outgoing nature.

I am capable of attracting others with my charisma

I am transforming into a more confident, & beautiful person.

I am perfectly imperfect in few domains of my life and i accept it

I take pride in who I am.

I accept myself deeply & completely.

I am immune to all sorts negative thoughts

I am internally validated.

People trust my expertise.

I am a proven leader. I lead my life. I create my life

I am an excellent decision maker.

I maximize success in areas of my life.

I never shy away from pushing the limits to get the most out of life.

I reach higher and further every day.

I enjoy my work and look forward to my car.

I am that one unstoppable soul.

I have all that it takes to turn dreams into reality.

I will use my success to help others.

I own a heart that will build my coworkers up as I grow.

I belong in my position of power.

My actions speak louder than my words.

I work in silence and let my achievements make noise

I push rough criticism.

I validate every thought before making it sink to my subconscious mind

I am powerful and highly capable.

I am getting rich and successful everyday

I am capable of managing my money well.

I work for my own self and my own gain.

I know how to balance family and work

I treat my family with love and respect.

I am loving & understanding toward my family.

I treasure my loved ones

I enjoy small moments with my family.

I appreciate what my parents have done for me

My family wants me to be happy.

I practice selflessness with my loved ones.

My life is better because of my loved ones.

I am a positive role model.

I will do what it takes to change and feel better.

I am a good provider.

I learn from every setback

I use every criticism of my improvement & benefit.

I am not easily shaken by adversities

I am a fighter who makes a lemonade when life throws lemon!

I take every step in the right direction. It is meant to teach me something

I learn from any failures and push forward.

I am capable of scaring my greatest fears.

I have important things to say.

I am considerate of myself & others.

I will do what I love.

I walk & act with purpose

I am the only one who needs to understand my choices.

This is my life, & I will live it on my conditions.

I have the potential to make a positive impact.

I do not doubt my potential for I can do what has never been done before.

I fight for my rights.

I am capable of creating my own space.

I am an extraordinary individual.

I do not care what others think of me.

I love that i am never afraid of trying again

I am capable of turning all my complaints into solutions.

I am not defined by my situation

I choose to be happy right now. I love my life.

Today I choose me.

I am confident and strong.

I believe in my abilities.

I am in control of my life.

I deserve it all

I love all my flaw

I am limitless

My belief on myself is infinite

I do not need to be perfect

I am capable

I am persistent!

I am in control of my reality

I am the creator of my reality

I am enough

I can figure out everything

I deserve all happiness

I deserve all the attention and love

I deserve success and wealth.

I own unique abilities

I deserve worthy relationships.

I am growing everyday

Good things come naturally to me

I am a magnet. People love me.

All my loved ones respect me.

I respect the limitations set by me.

I deserve love and respect for being as I am

I am making a difference in the world

I matter to myself

I value my worth

I own great talents to share with the world

I own a great potential of making my dreams come true

I have a great potential within me.

I deserve to get whatever i want

I love the person I am turning into

I am getting better day by day

I own the power of changing anything

I am capable of making wise decisions.

I love my abilities and capabilities

I reflect self confidence.

Being confident comes easily to me.

I do not need validations from others

My skills are valued

I am self reliant

I am creative

I am a unique individual who does not to prove herself

I am capable of finding the solution of every problem

My past cannot make me a prisoner of my past mistakes

I own all the abilities to change if only i wish

My decisions only rely on me

I adapt to new experiences

I am living a rewarding and beautiful life

I rejoice every ounce of loved received

Success is written in my stars

I inspire others

I attract all the positivity in my life

My mistakes are not failures, they are the stepping stones to my success

I am continuously growing

I trust my abilities and skills

I own a healthy self esteem and self image

I have been refined by life like a diamond

Universe is always with me. I am never alone

Opportunities always know my door

I dont keep negative feelings in my heart and negative thoughts in my mind

I love my own opinions

I exhale fear and breathe confidence

I can not be half loved because i am full of life

My name is “worthy”

My value can not be measured

I am on a journey with myself

Comparison never distracts me as i am busy with falling in love with myself

I know several ways of honouring myself and i am learning many new

People’s opinions about me reflects who they are not me. (whether positive or negative)

I am compassionate with myself.

I can overcome any block

I am capable of more than my potential

My best source of motivation is myself

I am grateful for all my life lessons as they have refined me

I already have what i want

i easily let go what is needed to be gone

I own an abundance mindset and live from it

I let go everything that is not capable of serving me

Everything which i need is already present within me

I own an unshaken faith

I have more strength than i think

I am braver than what i seem

I am a magnet for miracles

 Self worth Quote# 1

Clothes and courage have much to do with each other. —Sara Jeannette Duncan 

Self worth Quote# 2

When you forgive, you heal your own anger and hurt and are able to let love lead again. It’s like spring cleaning for your heart. —Marci Shimoff 

Self worth Quote# 3

We are not interested in the possibilities of defeat. They do not exist. —Victoria, Queen of England

Self worth Quote# 4

If I ever did manage to find a law to live by, I would break it. —Exene Cervenka

Self worth Quote# 5

You have to be taught to be second class; you’re not born that way. —Lena Horne

Self worth Quote# 6

When I fight, there is usually a funeral and it isn’t mine. —Henrietta Green

Self worth Quote# 7

I came out of the womb a diva. All it means is you know your worth as a woman. —Cyndi Lauper

Self worth Quote# 8

it is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere. —Agnes Repplier

Self worth Quote# 9

You can cry, but don’t let it stop you. Don’t cry in one spot—cry as you continue to move. —Kina

Self worth Quote# 10

I’m comfortable with money and it’s comfortable with me. —Diana Ross,

Self worth Quote# 11

I can never remember being afraid of an audience. If the audience could do better, they’d be up here on stage and I’d be out there watching them. —Ethel Merman

Self worth Quote# 12

The more you do, the more you are. —Angie Papadakis 

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How to Start Keeping Donkeys on the Homestead

By Anita B. Stone – When you think of keeping donkeys, the first thing that comes to mind is big ears, a comical, rusty, door-hinge bray, and a short whiskbroom tail. When the donkey was designed, these adaptations allowed it to succeed and survive in a harsh desert environment. His mighty bray permitted widely spaced donkeys to keep in contact or define their territories. Those big funnel ears could catch distant calls and help dissipate hot desert heat.

“These days donkeys have become pets,” says Mike Luddy of South Hill, Virginia. “They still bray, grunt, and moan and create a ruckus, but they are such affectionate pets, I couldn’t ask for a more loving animal.” Luddy’s hobby farm is situated on six acres of pasture, “an acre for each donkey,” he says. According to Luddy, keeping donkeys requires very little maintenance. “They are durable, affordable and they don’t tend to overeat.”

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Luddy communicates with the donkeys by reading their body language. “If their floppy ears move forward, they are curious about something.” He says. “But if their ears go flat towards the back of their heads, they are angry.”

Many of those who are homesteading today are keeping donkeys, and there are definite objectives to follow when if you’re interesting in keeping donkeys.

Keeping Donkeys: Feeding and Weight

Donkeys will get very heavy if you feed them too much, so you really have to be careful. Due to their historic origin as desert animals, donkeys are accustomed to sparse food supplies and should not be overfed. Donkeys have no hump on their backs, only a lean body mass that is fuel efficient, easily cooled, yet strong. If you spot a roll of fat across the back of the animal, you know he is overeating. It is just as unhealthy for a donkey to be overweight as it is for one to be malnourished. To ensure the proper weight of your donkey, you can purchase a “weigh band” at any grain feed store.

Donkeys eat pasture grass as a primary food all summer. If you’re keeping donkeys, they need to be provided with enough pasture to be able to run and play and get exercise. Pastures should always be inspected for poisonous plants, especially ragwort. And when grass is unavailable, a good quality hay is preferred as it provides the most nutrition. Luddy’s six donkeys can survive on one bale per week in the winter. They also eat grain and sweet feed-one scoop per donkey is considered a treat.

“They love to eat treats of peppermints, biscuits and bread,” Luddy states. “Sometimes we hand-feed them in the middle of winter. They ‘browse’ by eating shrubs which in turn helps maintain the woods. Grazing donkeys are lucky because they never have to watch their salt intake. Their systems require salt and if they don’t get enough, they will eat wood or bark from trees.” Luddy provides a trace mineral for the herd to insure ample salt intake.

An average donkey drinks up to eight gallons of water every day. It’s best to supply running water from a hose or pump or a stream running through the property. Donkeys hate water under their feet and they will always walk around puddles. Their desert coat seems to soak up moisture rather than repel it.

Keeping Donkeys: Socialization

As pets, donkeys offer the best therapy after a day’s hard work because they maintain a calm and patient disposition and are extremely manageable. They have a relaxing way about them, and all donkeys really want in life is love and attention. Although donkeys are the most gentle, loving, and people-friendly equine in existence, they can also be aggressive when necessary.

“Donkeys will stay and protect people, sheep, goats and cows,” Luddy says. “They will move slowly, then turn around and see what is challenging them. Their natural enemies are dogs and wolves. A donkey loves to roll in the dirt like a dog and can dribble a dog like a soccer ball.”

Donkeys are very sociable creatures that need the company of at least one other donkey. They buddy up in pairs, or even in groups of three and will go to the end of the earth to stay with their best friends. They get very upset if separated, so it’s best to keep them with their buddies at all times. A single, lone donkey is a lonely donkey, and should be avoided if at all possible.

Because a donkey’s average life expectancy is 30-40 years, many of those who are keeping donkeys have provided trust funds for their animals so that the pet will be financially sound if an owner dies.

Keeping Donkeys: Types of Donkeys

There are different kinds of donkeys. A “gelding” is a male donkey that has been castrated so that he cannot, will not, and does not want to reproduce. Geldings are easy to handle and make good companions. Two little geldings will give you a lifetime of happiness with their amusing behavior. And jennies (female donkeys) and geldings make excellent companions.

The most common color for a donkey is the mouse gray called gray dun. Other colors include various shades of brown, black, spotted, sorrel and frosted spotted white. Most have white muzzles, eye rings and light bellies. The average height of a mature donkey ranges from 48″ to 54″ high, depending on the type of donkey.

“My first donkey was a ‘standard,'” says Luddy. I purchased him for $500.” Standards grow up to 48″ tall. “The only female on the farm is a mammoth,” says Luddy. “We call her Madison. She is dark brown and 25 years old.” Some mammoths run $800 all the way up to $3,000 for a trained rider, “but a donkey cannot take on a rider until it is four years old and their bones are fully formed as well as their knees.”

Mammoths can get up to 54″ or higher and weigh up to 600 pounds. “But under all the sizes and hair colors is the same gentle, calm, slightly mischievous soul,” Luddy says.

Keeping Donkeys: General Health

Being swift and sure-footed, donkeys can travel as fast as 30 miles per hour, making it necessary to have their hooves trimmed properly. Unlike a horse, a donkey’s hooves have no shoes. If the hooves are allowed to grow without proper attention, their legs will experience extreme pain and may result in deformed and painful joints and tendons. It is a good idea to engage a farrier to trim the hooves on an 8-12 week trimming schedule.

Be prepared for a dust crater somewhere. “Donkeys love to take dust baths and will pick a spot in the pasture to dig out and ‘bathe’ themselves daily. They use dirt like we use daily showers, as a dry shampoo that soaks up hair oils and probably helps suffocate or repel insects and as an overall rolling back scratch and body wash.”

To protect his herd, Luddy administers an oral de-worming medication every two to three months. He also has them inoculated for West Nile virus. “Each one of my pets has blood drawn once a year to make sure every animal is in good health,” says Luddy, “and it will be given a health certificate if everything is in proper order.”

Weanlings are vaccinated yearly with a five-way vaccination and a separate selenium and vitamin E booster to ensure their good health and muscular development.

Donkeys should have their teeth examined by an equine dentist every two years, especially the back teeth which are used to grind food. Without them, the donkey will either starve to death or get colic, which could also lead to death.

Other than infestation of parasites, which can be taken care of every month, flies are a major problem for donkeys and seem to especially like biting them around the legs. The best fly repellent for donkeys is a roll-on equine fly repellent that can be used around this area.

Keeping Donkeys: Providing Safe and Secure Shelter for Donkeys

Shelter is an absolute must for donkeys. A three-sided run-in shed is ideal. Because of their desert beginnings, donkeys don’t handle extreme cold as well as most horses can. Donkeys need to be able to escape from harsh elements-cold as well as hot. They will buddy up and generally allow everyone a chance to get out of the weather.

Donkeys on the Homestead

The worst culprit is wind chill, so it is a good idea to face the shelter away from the prevailing wind, and also make sure the shelter is not in a low spot that would become impassable with mud during certain times of the year.

Wood shavings or a dirt floor is best for the comfort of the donkey and for easy management. Make sure the shavings do not contain toxic substances such as black walnut bark, which could be fatal. Brick or concrete floors are not suitable because they are so hard, and as most donkeys lie down when they are sick, a dirt floor is kinder and more comfortable for them. Urine will soak into a dirt floor without causing an odor and only the donkey’s droppings need to be removed. You can also use prepared stall “sweeteners” on urine spots to control the ammonia smell. Picking up manure means less odor, flies, and parasite contamination.

An average dimension of a shelter for two donkeys is 10′ wide, 10′ long and 10′ high. Donkeys sometimes lay down, but one is always standing up during the night.

Secure fencing is necessary to avoid escape. Either post and rail or pig netting are good forms of fencing with wooden gates. Post and rail fencing should have four bars; with the bottom rail less than 45 centimeters from the ground.

As pets, donkeys are strong, calm, intelligent workers that don’t tend to run away and have a natural inclination to like people. All this adds up to animals that are easy to take care of, easy to work with, very inexpensive and very easy to give your heart to.

Originally published in 2013 and regularly vetted for accuracy

How to Start Keeping Donkeys on the Homestead was originally posted by All About Chickens