A whopping, like, 2.6 people have expressed interest in my recent adventures in watching Bean films, which is all the encouragement I need to present to you:
An Incomplete Guide to Sean Bean Roles (Investigation Ongoing)
Our guy has a vast filmography, and I'm not even close to being halfway through it, but I've watched a lot of his significant ones in the past few weeks thanks to a perfect storm of illness, injury, and lapses in client work. Crucially, I have created superlatives for a variety of them and present them here for your benefit. Disclaimer: many of these films are violent! Or have butts and/or tits! Some have dick! Some have dated bits that didn't age well! So, if you have triggers or are watching with young viewers, do your research first! Also, these are just the opinions of one solitary millennial! Nothing is objective! Nothing is real! I care not!
Okay, CYA done, let's begin. I'll get the two most obvious ones out of the way up front, otherwise they'll dominate half the categories:
ACT I
Greatest Bean:
Fellowship of the Ring. I've said it before and I'll say it again, he achieved more pathos with Boromir than a lot of his other roles have allowed for, and every note he hits just sings. No debate.
Best Bean for Your Buck:
Sharpe. For the best confluence of quantity, quality, physicality, emotion, humor, and action, you can't beat Richard Sharpe.
Favorite Dramatic Bean:
Time; he earned that BAFTA fr
Softest Bean:
The first date scene in Stormy Monday, where Brendan shyly gets to know Kate, slow dances with her, lends her a shirt and strokes her back after she asks if they can just go to sleep instead of have sex.
Most Dashing Bean:
Vronsky in Anna Karenina, that uniform cuts, damn
Swooniest Bean:
I know I'm supposed to say Chatterley, and he is undeniably sexy as Mellors, but there are parts where his character is actually kind of off-putting. I'll lay a good chunk of the blame on the weirdly ominous score, the very of-the-time depiction of dubious consent, and Joely Richardson's tendency to look like she's having the worst time of her life while shagging the hot gamekeeper. No, I'm giving this category to Stormy Monday again. He's just so gentle and genuine in this one, without some of the obligatory "heartthrob" overtones of his nineties stuff. He never raises his voice at Kate or manhandles her. He really does feel like some kid who just wants to be sweet to his girlfriend.
Laddiest Bean:
When Saturday Comes, specifically the strip club and bathtub scenes.
Favorite Sad Bean:
As a collective, he has some great grief scenes in World on Fire, but! The railroad track scene in When Saturday Comes?! That was RAW.
Favorite Mad Bean:
Black Death; there are plenty of movies where he doesn't smile at all, but unlike some others, his grimness and anger felt proportionate to the story, rather than just rage because he's good at rage.
Favorite Bad Bean:
There are so many great Bean villains (Goldeneye, obvs), but I think my favorite is Patriot Games. Bonus points for all the different hairstyles he has in this film (long locks-shag-shag ponytail!-buzz-wet spiky buzz). Also HUGH FRASER AAAA
Favorite Dad Bean:
Wolfwalkers, where Bill Goodfellowe literally turns his own convictions and beliefs upside-down in order to protect and support his daughter.
INTERMISSION
A note on GoT: I haven't watched it. When season one was first coming out, it was during a time where I really couldn't handle watching any kind of sexual assault onscreen, and while I have a higher tolerance now, I just... don't want to. I like seeing gifs of Ned Stark and appreciate that it's one of his great roles, but I just can't make myself take the plunge.
ilysm you grizzled dead wolf man
ACT II
Favorite Costumed Bean:
Odysseus in Troy: curls, leather, thighs.
Favorite Un-Costumed Bean:
He strips in quite a lot of his films, so let's give it to Lady Chatterley for sheer screentime, exertion, and the bonus of being naked and wearing a flower crown. Honorable mention to When Saturday Comes for the totally not homoerotic amount of butts and also dick in the locker room bathtub scene.
Hurtin'est Bean:
Bravo Two Zero. Oof, don't watch this one if you have an aversion to seeing pain, although---you're a Sean Bean fan, and we all know one of his MOs is being GREAT at pain. This one was directed by Tom Clegg, who directed Sharpe. Also lol at the sickle-shaped wound on his shoulder, which is covering his 100% Blade tattoo (he gets a lot of sickle-shaped wounds on his left shoulder).
Best Inside References:
The Frankenstein Chronicles, where he plays a former Peninsular soldier, and every reference to his service is a reference to Sharpe, including shots of his greenjacket, pistol, sword, and flogging scars. Honorable mention to The Martian for the Council of Elrond line.
Most Unsettling Bean:
Cleanskin for moral grayness, The Frankenstein Chronicles for body horror
Most Inefficient Use of Bean:
Black Beauty. Despite getting high billing he's only onscreen for about two minutes and I'm convinced the long shots are a body double. Criminal.
Biggest Missed Opportunity:
We were robbed of a Sean Bean Odyssey. R o b b e d
Funniest Bean:
Deploying Bean for comedy is woefully underused, but he made full use of his ~15 seconds in The Vicar of Dibley ("Spring" episode). He's also hilarious in Wasted, though I haven't watched the show, only the clips he's in on YouTube, where he plays a mock version of himself serving as a spirit guide for a stoner. IMO, though, Sharpe gives him the most room for humor.
Favorite Character Quirk:
In World on Fire, when Douglas is having WWI flashbacks and really coming apart, he kept putting his hand to his mouth. My modern brain first read this as talking into a phantom radio, but of course that wasn't right, and then I realized--he was reaching for a phantom gas mask. CHILLS. AMAZING. (Honorable mentions to the Mouth Rub and the Tongue Thing [pictured above]).
Most Nostalgic Bean:
National Treasure. The concept may be utter silliness, but you have to admit, this is a fun movie to watch.
Best Dismount from a Horse:
Henry VIII, he goes pshwing out of the saddle
Best Swordplay:
You may think there's no possible answer to this, but there is---two moments, specifically: the preparatory sword-spin he does at Balin's tomb just before the goblin attack in Moria, and the four lunges he does at 1:26:22 of Sharpe's Battle. It's just facts.
Prettiest Bean Film:
Wolfwalkers, hands downnnn
Favorite Bean Death:
All right, you knew we had to eventually end here. It's Boromir, obviously--- nothing tops that. But if we're looking at other roles, I think Patriot Games is my favorite, followed by Goldeneye.
So! That concludes this installment of Bean films, though I'll be continuing the labor, and I hope you will, too. What are your favorites?
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even if i didnt love botw as much as i do, totk drives me nuts bc, similarly to pokemon, this series is so SO SO full of potential, they have so many games they can pull from, theres so many themes, characters and worldbuilding thats just left to rot, you dont need to connect anything with a chain to old titles, you dont need to bring back any things that already had their ending, but PLEASE harness at least a fraction of all this!!!! and they just refuse to do it beyond shallow references
totk jsut drives it all home to me, bc this isnt just the next game in the franchise, but a DIRECT SEQUEL no 10 years apart from botw, yet they cant even, they REFUSE to even keep the continuity with its OWN lore it established in botw together, and that, i think, is what truly makes me so insane (derogatory) about totk
it PROVES they do not care, they dont care to build on anything of the lore of old titles beyond references in form of amiibos or whatever, they dont even care to make a sequel to their most successful game in the franchise coherent with its own lore
botw established a captivating detailed world full of potential, while lacking in active storytelling, it had environmental storytelling, characters and ideas that were the perfect ground to build on-
and then they do away with it bc idk .. they want you to build mechs and make videos of it that go viral and thats all they care about or something
shiekah tech? forget that existed
character being the character you know? act as if you are seeing them for the first time just like they are
lame story? dont think about that just be distracted by the epic presentation of it
lore the previous title established? forget that, all that matters is what is here and now
beloved character from old games beign brought back? hes a new guy and has no background and no lore and just sits waiting for you at the end to have a flashy fight with
references from old titles and their lore? just here for nostalgie bait, dont you remember? you LOVE this series, now give me 70 bucks for a glorified DLC that ruins what you loved about the series and makes you realize that nothign matters and nothing is interesting anymore
you are supposed to take it all at face value, to not think about anything, to see a character say something and just go with it, and forget it the second its over, be distracted by good music and pretty visuals, but dont think about, dont think about anything but what is directly said to you like you have no critical thinking skills, forget there was a game before this one, only the one you play matters, empty your skull and dont let yourself feel anything but what the game tells you to feel
if they dont even care to make the sequel to their most successful game actually build on the previous title, dont even care to keep their continuity of two games supposedly directly happening one after the other in tact- maybe they never cared, and all the meaning we thought we saw them build into their games was all accidental and meaningless
and that is absolutely soul crushing for fans like me to discover
its a game.
its not a story, its not a world, its not themes, its not characters, its not lore.
its a product made to make you pay money, not to make you think about anything.
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Iterator ship naming
I saw pansear's one with slugcats and didn't see any other with iterators soooooo
I stayed up to 5m for this hehehheheheh
Now have these that may be edited as more are found
Five pebbles ships
Five pebbles x seven red suns - sunstone / seven pebbles / fpxsrs
Five pebbles x no significant harrasment - ragequit / noclip / fpxnsh
Five pebbles x unparalleled innocence - milkshake / trinkets / fpxui
Five pebbles x sliver of straw - gravel / faulty affirmative / fpxsos
Five pebbles x chasing/grey wind - hailstorm / fpxgw / fpxcw
Looks to the moon ships
Looks to the moon x no significant harrasment - lilypad / lttmxnsh
Looks to the moon x sliver of straw - waning crescent / slivermoon / faded memories / lttmxsos
Looks to the moon x seven red suns - eclipse / lttmxsrs
Looks to the moon x unparalleled innocence - unparalleled moon / innocent meteor / Moonflower / lttmxui
Looks to the moon x chasing/grey wind - cyclone / atmosphere / lttmxcw / lttmxgw
No significant harrasment ships
No significant harrasment x looks to the moon - lilypad / nshxlttm
No significant harrasment x five pebbles - ragequit / noclip / nshxfp
No significant harrasment x unparalleled innocence - team rocket / nshxui
No significant harrasment x seven red suns - traffic lights / nshxsrs
No significant harrasment x sliver of straw - taboo dissonance / nshxsos
No significant harrasment x chasing/grey wind - olive / nshxgw / nshxcw
Seven red suns ships
Seven red suns x five pebbles - sunstone / seven pebbles / srsxfp
Seven red suns x no signficant harrasment - traffic lights / srsxnsh
Seven red suns x looks to the moon - eclipse / srsxlttm
Seven red suns x unparalleled innocence - golden survey / unfortunate news / srsxui
Seven red suns x sliver of straw - unfortunate alternative / srsxsos
Seven red suns x chasing/grey wind - warm weather / solar flare / firebird / red wind / terapy / srsxgw / srsxcw
Sliver of straw ships
Sliver of straw x looks to the moon - waning crescent / slivermoon / faded memories / sosxlttm
Sliver of straw x five pebbles - gravel / faulty affirmative / sosxfp
Sliver of straw x no significant harrasment - taboo dissonance / sosxnsh
Sliver of straw x seven red suns - unfortunate alternative / sosxsrs
Sliver of straw x unparalleled innocence - peaceful contemplation / strawman / sosxui
Sliver of straw x chasing/grey wind - death zephyr / windy fields / sosxgw / sosxcw
Unparalleled innocence ships
Unparalleled innocence x five pebbles - milkshake / trinkets / uixfp
Unparalleled innocence x looks to the moon - unparalleled moon / innocent meteor / Moonflower / uixlttm
Unparalleled innocence x no significant harrasment - team rocket / uixnsh
Unparalleled innocence x seven red suns - golden survey / unfortunate news / uixsrs
Unparalleled innocence x sliver of straw - peaceful contemplation / strawman / uixsos
Unparalleled innocence x chasing/grey wind - grimace shake / content warning user interface / grinnocence / winnocence / uixgw / uixcw
Chasing/grey wind ships
Chasing/grey wind x five pebbles - hailstorm / gwxfp / cwxfp
Chasing/grey wind x looks to the moon - cyclone / atmosphere / gwxlttm / cwxlttm
Chasing/grey wind x no significant harrasment - olive / gwxnsh / cwxnsh
Chasing/grey wind x seven red suns - warm weather / solar flare / firebird / terapy / red wind / gwxsrs / cwxsrs
Chasing/grey wind x sliver of straw - death zephyr / windy fields / gwxsos / cwxsos
Chasing/grey wind x unparalleled innocence - grimace shake / content warning user interface / fleeting innocence / grinnocence / winnocence / gwxui / cwxui
Polyamorous ships
Five pebbles x no significant harrasment x seven red suns - triple divorce / roadrage / cold ones / fpxnshxsrs
no significant harrasment x looks to the moon x sliver of straw - green tea / nshxlttmxsos
Five pebbles x unparalleled innocence x no significant harrasment - double bullying / fpxuixnsh
Looks to the moon x no significant harrasment x seven red suns - solar system / lttmxnshxsrs
Extra ships (these are more fandom related + some are jokes)
Five pebbles x seven red suns x unparalleled innocence - ice cream sundae / fpxsrsxui
Absolent of sins x distant frontier - exempt bounds / distant sins / aosxdf (@distant-frontier-simp)
Giz x sliver of straw - gaming straws / ggxsos (@Gizgamer123 on twitter)
Chasing/grey wind x upright carnage - hurricane / gwxuc / cwxuc (@rw-repurposed but uc is from vic)
Unbroken promise x sliver of straw - ascended rhapsody / upxsos (iterator logs)
Three cold nights x seven red suns - plum / tcnxsrs (@airxpunged)
Five pebbles x sans (undertale) - rw charcoal / fpxsans
THIS TOOK TOO LONG AGHHHH
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