A whopping, like, 2.6 people have expressed interest in my recent adventures in watching Bean films, which is all the encouragement I need to present to you:
An Incomplete Guide to Sean Bean Roles (Investigation Ongoing)
Our guy has a vast filmography, and I'm not even close to being halfway through it, but I've watched a lot of his significant ones in the past few weeks thanks to a perfect storm of illness, injury, and lapses in client work. Crucially, I have created superlatives for a variety of them and present them here for your benefit. Disclaimer: many of these films are violent! Or have butts and/or tits! Some have dick! Some have dated bits that didn't age well! So, if you have triggers or are watching with young viewers, do your research first! Also, these are just the opinions of one solitary millennial! Nothing is objective! Nothing is real! I care not!
Okay, CYA done, let's begin. I'll get the two most obvious ones out of the way up front, otherwise they'll dominate half the categories:
ACT I
Greatest Bean:
Fellowship of the Ring. I've said it before and I'll say it again, he achieved more pathos with Boromir than a lot of his other roles have allowed for, and every note he hits just sings. No debate.
Best Bean for Your Buck:
Sharpe. For the best confluence of quantity, quality, physicality, emotion, humor, and action, you can't beat Richard Sharpe.
Favorite Dramatic Bean:
Time; he earned that BAFTA fr
Softest Bean:
The first date scene in Stormy Monday, where Brendan shyly gets to know Kate, slow dances with her, lends her a shirt and strokes her back after she asks if they can just go to sleep instead of have sex.
Most Dashing Bean:
Vronsky in Anna Karenina, that uniform cuts, damn
Swooniest Bean:
I know I'm supposed to say Chatterley, and he is undeniably sexy as Mellors, but there are parts where his character is actually kind of off-putting. I'll lay a good chunk of the blame on the weirdly ominous score, the very of-the-time depiction of dubious consent, and Joely Richardson's tendency to look like she's having the worst time of her life while shagging the hot gamekeeper. No, I'm giving this category to Stormy Monday again. He's just so gentle and genuine in this one, without some of the obligatory "heartthrob" overtones of his nineties stuff. He never raises his voice at Kate or manhandles her. He really does feel like some kid who just wants to be sweet to his girlfriend.
Laddiest Bean:
When Saturday Comes, specifically the strip club and bathtub scenes.
Favorite Sad Bean:
As a collective, he has some great grief scenes in World on Fire, but! The railroad track scene in When Saturday Comes?! That was RAW.
Favorite Mad Bean:
Black Death; there are plenty of movies where he doesn't smile at all, but unlike some others, his grimness and anger felt proportionate to the story, rather than just rage because he's good at rage.
Favorite Bad Bean:
There are so many great Bean villains (Goldeneye, obvs), but I think my favorite is Patriot Games. Bonus points for all the different hairstyles he has in this film (long locks-shag-shag ponytail!-buzz-wet spiky buzz). Also HUGH FRASER AAAA
Favorite Dad Bean:
Wolfwalkers, where Bill Goodfellowe literally turns his own convictions and beliefs upside-down in order to protect and support his daughter.
INTERMISSION
A note on GoT: I haven't watched it. When season one was first coming out, it was during a time where I really couldn't handle watching any kind of sexual assault onscreen, and while I have a higher tolerance now, I just... don't want to. I like seeing gifs of Ned Stark and appreciate that it's one of his great roles, but I just can't make myself take the plunge.
ilysm you grizzled dead wolf man
ACT II
Favorite Costumed Bean:
Odysseus in Troy: curls, leather, thighs.
Favorite Un-Costumed Bean:
He strips in quite a lot of his films, so let's give it to Lady Chatterley for sheer screentime, exertion, and the bonus of being naked and wearing a flower crown. Honorable mention to When Saturday Comes for the totally not homoerotic amount of butts and also dick in the locker room bathtub scene.
Hurtin'est Bean:
Bravo Two Zero. Oof, don't watch this one if you have an aversion to seeing pain, although---you're a Sean Bean fan, and we all know one of his MOs is being GREAT at pain. This one was directed by Tom Clegg, who directed Sharpe. Also lol at the sickle-shaped wound on his shoulder, which is covering his 100% Blade tattoo (he gets a lot of sickle-shaped wounds on his left shoulder).
Best Inside References:
The Frankenstein Chronicles, where he plays a former Peninsular soldier, and every reference to his service is a reference to Sharpe, including shots of his greenjacket, pistol, sword, and flogging scars. Honorable mention to The Martian for the Council of Elrond line.
Most Unsettling Bean:
Cleanskin for moral grayness, The Frankenstein Chronicles for body horror
Most Inefficient Use of Bean:
Black Beauty. Despite getting high billing he's only onscreen for about two minutes and I'm convinced the long shots are a body double. Criminal.
Biggest Missed Opportunity:
We were robbed of a Sean Bean Odyssey. R o b b e d
Funniest Bean:
Deploying Bean for comedy is woefully underused, but he made full use of his ~15 seconds in The Vicar of Dibley ("Spring" episode). He's also hilarious in Wasted, though I haven't watched the show, only the clips he's in on YouTube, where he plays a mock version of himself serving as a spirit guide for a stoner. IMO, though, Sharpe gives him the most room for humor.
Favorite Character Quirk:
In World on Fire, when Douglas is having WWI flashbacks and really coming apart, he kept putting his hand to his mouth. My modern brain first read this as talking into a phantom radio, but of course that wasn't right, and then I realized--he was reaching for a phantom gas mask. CHILLS. AMAZING. (Honorable mentions to the Mouth Rub and the Tongue Thing [pictured above]).
Most Nostalgic Bean:
National Treasure. The concept may be utter silliness, but you have to admit, this is a fun movie to watch.
Best Dismount from a Horse:
Henry VIII, he goes pshwing out of the saddle
Best Swordplay:
You may think there's no possible answer to this, but there is---two moments, specifically: the preparatory sword-spin he does at Balin's tomb just before the goblin attack in Moria, and the four lunges he does at 1:26:22 of Sharpe's Battle. It's just facts.
Prettiest Bean Film:
Wolfwalkers, hands downnnn
Favorite Bean Death:
All right, you knew we had to eventually end here. It's Boromir, obviously--- nothing tops that. But if we're looking at other roles, I think Patriot Games is my favorite, followed by Goldeneye.
So! That concludes this installment of Bean films, though I'll be continuing the labor, and I hope you will, too. What are your favorites?
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My Sunshine
Count Alexei Vronsky x wife!reader
Summary: When Alexei brought you a kitten, he didn't think you would spend your entire time with her.
Genre: Fluff
Warnings: mild jealousy
i hope you like it <3 @vanessavampiaives
Count Alexei Vronsky doesn't usually have any reason to be jealous.
He's devilishly handsome and incredibly wealthy, and more importantly, he has you.
His lovely wife, whom he loves dearly and who he knows loves him just as much. Since you met him, he'd fallen for you hard and you remain the sun he revolves around.
So, when he comes back home one evening with a small basket and calls your name, he's expecting you to greet him like you usually would: with a hug.
Instead, just as you prepare to rush up and wrap your arms around his shoulders, you make a small squeal and cover your mouth as you see the basket. "Alexei, what is this?" you whisper as he chuckles and holds out the basket for you.
You peer inside and when you pull up the blankets and see a small soft bundle of white fur, your heart almost explodes. You look up at your husband, a wide smile curling your lips. "Oh! Is that for me?"
Alexei smiles. He kneels down to put the basket on the floor. You mimic him and watch happily as he gently picks up the kitten in his hands and lifts her out of the cushions in the basket. The kitten yawns, scrunching her little pink nose, and looks up, blinking with her blue eyes as she looks at you.
"He's adorable," you say, moving your dress so you can fully sit on the floor.
"She is all yours, my love," Alexei passes the kitten to you, joining you on the floor as he crosses his legs. "Do you like her?" he asks expectantly, leaning in and smoothing his knuckle under the kitten's chin. The small kitten meows, and you don't know if it is a sound of disapproval or enjoyment.
You caress her carefully. She's so tiny in your arms. "I love her," you whisper, looking into your husband's eyes and sending him a sweet smile.
"What did I do to receive such a sweet present?"
Alexei chuckles and stands up. He dusts his uniform and leans down, resting his hand under your chin to pull your head up to him. He kisses your forehead gently. "Do I need a reason to spoil my darling?" he teases, smirking a little before he adds, "I listen to you, you know. I know you've been wanting a cat for a while and I couldn't resist when I saw this precious little thing."
You cradle the kitten in your arms, eyes lighting up as you feel the small animal start to purr against your hands. "She's lovely, thank you," you say sincerely and Alexei's heart swells seeing the pretty smile that gracious your lips. He tucks some hair behind your ear and hums warmly.
His happiness is short-lived considering all you talk about for the next week is Princess. He's convinced you've spent more of your time petting that cat than talking with him.
It's a Sunday morning and you're sitting on the couch with Princess curled up in your lap as you scratch behind her ears. You're humming softly, whispering praises as she purrs.
Alexei walks in, adjusting the cuffs of his suit and his eyes narrow when he sees you. He sighs and leans against the wall, crossing his arms. "You know you don't have to be with her all the time," he states, his voice a little strained.
Your expression twists into concern and you look up at your husband. "What do you mean?" you ask quietly, continuing to caress Princess's fur.
Alexei sighs again, this time walking over and sitting next to you. "I mean you're always with her. Always. She sleeps in between us in our bed goddamnit!" he runs a hand through his blond curls, seeming exhausted and his curse earns him a frown. "And it would all be okay, but it's been days. And I miss you."
You catch on to his tone and smirk. "Honey, please tell me you aren't jealous of a kitten, are you?"
Alexei's cheeks turn crimson and he coughs. "Of course, I'm not, that would be ridiculous."
"Seems like you are," you giggle, scratching Princess's ear one last time before picking her up and placing her down at your feet. Completely unbothered by the change, Princess starts to lick and clean her leg.
You turn to Alexei, gently ruffling his hair. "All you had to say was that you wanted some pets too and I would have happily given you some," you joke with a smile.
He pushes your hand away, still embarrassed. However, his chest feels full as he enjoys your attention. He's like a starved man and he'll take whatever he can have. "Don't laugh at me, love."
You look up at him, running your finger across his jaw. "You're cute when you're jealous."
Alexei rolls his eyes and leans down to capture your lips in his. He kisses you deeply and then mumbles against your lips, "I love you. I absolutely adore you. I worship you, my dear."
You feel your cheeks becoming warm at this and you kiss him back. "I love you too, you silly man," you say after a moment, pulling away. Your words are interrupted by Princess jumping onto Alexei's lap. He looks down at the small animal, unsure what to do as she curls up into a small ball. Your smile widens. "She likes you," the happiness in your voice fills Alexei with warmth.
He brings his large hand over Princess's head and starts to pet her. "I will admit, she's very cute," he whispers and then looks at you from the corner of his eye, smirking, "Although, not cute enough to warrant ignoring your husband."
You swat his arm, frowning, "Oh shush," you stare up at him fondly, "You must know I love you more than a cat, right?”
Alexei leans over, careful not to disturb Princess, and kisses your lips. "Mmm, if you say so, my lovely," he says, smiling against your lips.
You pull away, that adorable frown Alexei guiltily loves appearing in between your eyebrows. "I mean it," your voice is like velvet and Alexei's hand finds your cheek. His thumb caresses your skin and you subconsciously move into his touch.
"I know you do love," he murmurs, "I'm just teasing you."
You smile at him, your eyes shining. Just like the sun, he thinks, and for a moment he feels blinded by your beauty and then kisses you again.
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