#im very drained Ahh

[johnwicklover1999]

i have no energy for anything

#i started having a meltdown last night and ended up sleeping through it which for me basically just doesnt resolve the emotions at all #even though it isnt fun i really need to let the emotions run their course #so now i just feel so augh #my waning social battery triggered the emotional buildup but what actually triggered it was dwelling on upsetting personal racial matters #im very drained Ahh #autism is crazy #bruh the disability is disabling me

[astolfofo]

deja vu, Jamis vu

BSD beast au x reader. Based on the end of the beast movie.  AUTHORS NOTE: SO. ITS FINALLY DONE. ITS 4AM I AM ON IPAD TUMBLR AND UHHHH… I tried to edit this. but. TUMBLR WAS BEING AN ASS. and the two hours I spent editing this went down the drain. Mere words could not describe the grief I felt at 3:37 in the morning. I would have screamed if I weren’t so zombieified. Then, I tried to be paitent and edit it another time, but tumblr was like: haha no. so it didn’t save. I swear it’s not my fault if you have a stroke while reading this. I sacrificed my sleep for an entire week to do write this. Please give me some credit for my suffering. /lh

Also keep in mind. I have watched the DA movie and the beast movie a whopping total of 1 time. It’s probably very off from what I was trying to communicate, cause I legit have no clue what goes on in the light novels... spare me the slander. 

Last thing, I tried something new with this one, so there’s weird ahh switches between first person and 2nd person in this. Idk how good it is, lmk if i should never do it again.

Tw: head injury, murder, blood, suicide, yeah I think that’s about it.

word count: 6.8k  

To all the Chuuya enjoyers out there, I’m sorry for being a disappointment.

Tags: @redeemingmygloryintopurgatory

I’m wet.

Im standing outside his door, knocking as it rains outside, without an umbrella, cold, and of course, drenched.

Helplessly, I knock on his door, hoping for a response from him. I know it’s pointless, by now. I should cut him out of my life by now, I should… leave him. He’s not a good person, he’s part of the Port Mafia, for the love of god… I’m scared of him. He could crush me at any moment. Hell, he breaks into my house so frequently, and even though he’s done no harm… he could kill me at any moment. So why am I here? Shouldn’t I be relieved that he hasn’t shown up at my apartment for over a month now? I… just can’t…

Lightening splits the sky in half and the sound of thunder cracks in the air.

Your fist slides down the window pane of the door. It makes a terrible sound, and you wince in pain from the sting of the friction. You should just go home. It was obvious Chuuya wasn’t even home, he never was. And if he wasn’t even home, how would he even answer the door? You regret coming here in the first place, you didn’t even know why you chose to. Was it out of worry? Was it because you had to say something to him? You couldn’t remember by now, it was all on impulse. 

Chuuya had broken into your apartment countless times. Still, no matter how many times you’d snap at him, how many times you’d emptily threaten him, or try to push him off the balcony, he still came back the next day, unphased. You couldn’t get rid of him, no matter how hard you tried. And after many days, you had learned to accept that someone could break into your home at any given moment.

And you had no knowledge of how he knew you, let alone knowledge of how he even got your house key. Or maybe he picked your lock. You couldn’t be sure and you really did not want to know. 

Every day, you’d come back home from work, and Chuuya would be sitting on your couch, drinking your wine (much to your own distaste). You’d usually give him a dirty look, and he’d glare in return but you’d say nothing. You preferred not to talk to him, and Chuuya wouldn’t raise conversations by himself. He always sat in the corner of the room, observing… scrutinizing every move you made. On the rare occasions when you had managed to start a conversation with him, it was always painfully awkward.

You once remember asking him why he was here, what he wanted from you, and his true intentions. Chuuya looked at you in an amused manner and stared out the window. 

“Why I’m doing this? You’ll find out yourself when the time is right.”

By the time you had woken up, he was always gone. As if he was never there in the first place. The only thing he’d leave was the wine glass he’d drink out of, and your clothes you had hauled back from the laundromat messily folded, in your drawer. Occasionally, when it warm out, he’d leave the window open. They were small actions. Meant to be noticed, but not returned.

The splashing of rain intensifies, as you stand on Chuuya’s porch. He’s not home. You can’t stand here forever. You have to get back home before it’s too late.

What a great way to spend my time off work.

But you wanted to try one last thing before you left. Maybe his door was unlocked the entire time. Although you would doubt it, it was worth a try. It was so stupid to do this, all of it was. But your curiosity is getting the best of you, and you desperately wanted answers. Answers only Chuuya could give.

So, you grip the door handle and twist the doorknob. Much to your shock, the mechanics of the door click, and the door opens.

Chuuya had left the door unlocked. He forgot to lock his own door. You take a step up, and stand in the doorway. The rain is still hitting your back, and you groan realizing that you’re dripping water onto the floor. Quickly, you step in and shut the door. You twist the lock, ensuring that no one else would come in.

You sure hope Chuuya wasn’t going to come home tonight. The thought of it made the hair on your neck stand slightly. 

You take off your shoes which are drenched in water and stare in the mirror. You’re soaked to the bone. Your clothes are completely see-through. You’d need to change them. That could wait, though. If the rain stopped, you’d go home as soon as possible.

Okay. Quick in and out it is. I need to find my spare key, and I need to find what happened to him after the explosion in the sky that day. The one that happened on the top of the… port mafia building. You shudder. I wonder what happened. It was so bright that it looked as if the sky exploded for a second. The next thing you know, everything is back to normal… except it isn’t. A dead body is found at the bottom of the building.

Followed by that, I never saw Chuuya again, but many people that were close to me have been avoiding me. When asked why, they avoided my question. There isn’t a strong connection there, but I think��� that all of these events are connected somehow. Chuuya never appears again, and the fact he works for the Port Mafia, definetly does not help. 

Additionally, the Armed Dective Agency sent me a letter to be wary of Chuuya. With no additional information. There’s something going on here. Something is wrong. Something terribily wrong.

And I’m scared.

Apprehensively, you take several steps inside the house. You keep getting the feeling that you may get caught. But you don’t hear anything at the door. It’s a painful paranoia.

You inhale and exhale.

I’ll start looking for hints first. I don’t need an answer right away. One hint will be able to give me lots. I’ll start from his room, that’s where people are most likely to hide things.

You walk as quickly as possible across the empty corridor in the house. His house is eerily empty. There isn’t much in it, just a lot of furniture, a shelf of wine, messy papers and a few books placed sparsely across the rooms.

You walk up the stairs, which slightly creaks under your weight. You try your best to ignore any noises and try to stay focused. As you reach the top of the stairs, you see his bedroom, which is the first room at the end of the staircase.

You walk towards the room, you open the door and look around. Chuuya’s room is surprisingly fuller than the rest of the house. There is a dresser, with several items stacked on top of it. It has drawers, which you assume were full. His closet was also filled with clothes, with various hats on the shelf above in his closet.

Chuuya’s bed was neatly made, giving the impression that he had not been home in weeks. Unoccupied, cold, and abandoned. Yet you felt a temptation to lie in it either way. Your eyes dart to the dresser again, and you look at the various items spread out on it. None of these are of much use to you. Besides the gun that seemed unused.

Your hands move to the drawers and you begin to search them. In the first one, there was nothing. Just a bunch of stationery, and papers, some of which had blood on them. You shudder in disgust and move on.

You struggled to pull the second drawer. After a moment, it slides open and you look at the inside contents. You stare at it, wondering if you open it. There is no address on it, and it isn’t sealed. 

You have a bad feeling about this, but your hands move faster than your brain. You pull out the piece of paper and read its contents.

The letter is addressed to you. It doesn’t include much. Just A single sentence that holds an address. 

And then it hits you.

Chuuya had been planning this for a long time. He had purposely left the door unlocked, left his house empty, and left you because he knew you would try to find him one day.

It infuriates you more than you expect. But you can’t stop here. You’ll go to a specific location. 

Just to be sure, you look in the third drawer, you see your spare key, as well as a lock cutter. 

Its dark now. It’s still pouring. You have no choice to stay here for tonight. Begrudgingly, you curse yourself for dragging yourself into this. Still, you were in too deep to back out now. Whatever happens, will happen.

-

You wake up. 

You're lying on Chuuya's bed, in his clothes, begrudgingly. Your own clothes are discarded onto the floor, dried during the time you had been asleep. Still, you don't exactly feel like changing into them. It felt too gross to wear them. 

You shake your head. Now's not the time to be thinking about that. You sit up, and stretch your arms. Then, you walk towards the desk again, and look at the address. You take note of the address, and take your spare key. Before you go, you flip over the paper, ensuring that you didn't miss anything. There's another sentence scribbled on the top of the paper.

I know you're reading this. You want to know why I'm gone, and why I did this. The address that is provided will help you, but it will not give you the answer, nor will I be there. 

…What? 

You read the sentence over and over again. The words sink in, making you feel conflicted. You knew you were getting yourself into a certain kind of danger by doing this, but you didn't expect it to be this risky. Hell, you didn't even know where the man was now, and not to mention… the location…

You look at the location again.

It's on the street where the explosion happened. And you're no fool. If it was on that street, it meant it was that building. There were no other possibilities. You doubt it would be any other one of those tall skyscrapers, anyways. The one where the explosion happened was the only building Chuuya had any affiliations with.

Which was going to be incredibly difficult to get into. Let alone, to the top floor. You'd be dead even trying to set foot into the door. It wasn't worth your life for this. You should forget about it and go back home.

You look through the paper again, hoping there might be something more to help you. Sighing, you came back with nothing. I suppose I really have to go through with this, don't I? There's no turning back. 

-

The walk to the Port Mafia's building was rather short, if you were being completely honest. It was located in the heart of Yokohama, and was one of the tallest buildings there, if that told you anything. 

You stand outside the building, as the apprehension and fear build up inside you. You had never felt as much of a need to run from anything, as much as you did now. The doors, despite their grandeur size, and large glass design, looked uninviting. Almost like doors to a bank vault; the kind of doors that told you, you wouldn't be able to get out, as soon as you stepped in. And from various things people has told you throughout the years, the Port Mafia keeps people it's had come into contact with. It's more powerful beyond belief. 

It doesn't need to control you. You'll be forced into being pliant for them, simply by fear. No one can betray them. Death is almost a guarantee if you do.

And recently, they had also become violent as well. You might as well be walking yourself into a death wish.

But your feet remained rooted into the ground, and part of you remains determined to see this through. So you take a deep breath and walk into the building. 

You try to remain calm as you push through the doors, into the lobby. You pray Hou won't be swatted with bullets as soon as you enter, but much to your own surprise, there's no one in the lobby. It's completely empty.

It doesn't feel right. You wonder if what happened. Well, it's not your business anyways. You couldn't care less. You just needed to find whoever Chuuya's office is and-

"Who are you?"

shit. you curse under your breath. "I-I'm," you turn around to face the person talking g to you. As soon as you do this, the man's eyes widen, and you acknowledge away slightly. "Sorry… um… do you know where Chuuya is?"

You had never felt so idiotic and out of place in your life. You can physically feel your heart pounding inside your chest, as you pray you don't look too suspicious. You can't mess up here. Though the man you are currently talking to isn't holding any firearm. That may just as well mean he has even worse methods to kill you off.

"He's not here."

of course, he isn't. You think to yourself. He wrote that in his own letter, or whatever you call it. 

"He's been arrested." The man looks you directly into your eyes, and as on instinct, you look down, too scared to actually look at him. A few moments pass in silence.

"Can you… perhaps tell me why?"

"After the previous Port Mafia executive committed suicide, Chuuya was forced to lead the Port Mafia. He hated the job greatly, and he eventually…" He stops himself.

"Go on." You mutter.

The man tilts his head and looks at you again. "Are you sure? If you want to see him… it's better just to see for yourself." He stops for a second. 

"No… please tell me. Tell me everything that you possibly can."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Fine then. If you insist."

"Chuuya lost his control over himself. He slowly became more, deranged, if you will, as time went on. After the old executive killed himself, Chuuya had no one left. Or at least, that's what we saw. His orders became more and more irrational, often just resorting to killing everything, and slowly, he eventually broke. He went on a rampage, as you've probably seen, Yokohama is not safe with him around. He almost destroyed Yokohama in its entirety, and it took serveral organizations to stop him. I don't know the exact details after that. He remains locked up underground."

You feel as if you had been doused under cold water. You didn't only have your question answered, but that also explained several other things as well. You try to recollect your thoughts while figuring out what to do next.

"By the way, you look familiar."

"How so?"

"I don't know, to he honest. You look like someone who used to work here. Maybe my mind js tricking me, though. You look too weak to be here."

"Yeah," you force out an awkward laugh, "I could never work here for the life of me."

"Figures."

another awkward pause, as you stare at the man.

"I assume you need Chuuya's location, don't you?"

You nod.

"Here." He hands you a piece of paper, with an address messily scrawled onto it. "Although, I don't recommend going to see him, tell the guards you are a relative of his. Hopefully, it will convince them enough to let you in. Though, if you want, I'm sure you can attempt to knock the guards out. Chuuya's well… very restrained so he won't hurt you."

"Ah… thank you."

"Don't mention it."

You bow and leave.

"Hey wait-" the man calls out, his voice echoing through the empty lobby. He seems hesitant to ask something. You stop and turn around. "Yeah?"

He looks down, and awkwardly avoids eye contact for a second. It's at this moment you realize he's a man with short, white, hair, as well thick bangs that were cut into a slant. He’s rather short, and he’s wearing a long jacket.

He looks… familiar. I wonder why.

“What’s your name?” 

You stare at him for another moment before answering. “It’s Y/N.”

You could have sworn you had seen a face of surprise from him for a second, but it could have been your imagination because the next instant you blink, it’s gone. “I see,” he says slowly. “Be careful then. He’s not the same as what you may remember.”

As… I remember? What….

“Nevermind. Forget I said anything. Just go to the address, and everything will make sense.”

“Hey wait-”

He’s already turned his back and left on you. You’re left with so many more questions than you started off with, and dread creeps up you again. There was a warning tone in his voice, almost as if telling you to do this was a terrible idea. That you were going to be landing yourself in scalding hot water, and you wouldn’t be able to get out. You knew the risks from the start, but…

You quickly unfold the paper, and look for the address. Once again, the address is written in the center of the paper. You carefully look around for any other writing on the paper.

It’s completely white. Blank. Except for one sentence on the bottom: It’s never too late to back out. 

And you stare at it, and think about the several cryptic warnings you received from this man. So… you’re telling me, that after that explosion happened in the sky… a dead body, the previous executive was found. Then shortly after that, Chuuya became the executive of the Mafia. He hated it. But he had no choice and was left alone to do it. Eventually, he lost his sanity and mind and the Mafia… I guess? Because very corrupt, violent, and unsafe. It took many people to stop him, and how he was arrested in an underground cell. At this address.

It’s clear he’s cutting something out. He said to be careful. Of course, if Chuuya has lost his mind, I need to do that. But he empathized that I should be wary of him. Also, he said I looked familiar, and he also looks familiar to me. He mentioned something about… me remembering? Have I known Chuuya for longer? 

But he also said that only Chuuya has the answers to all my questions. So that means in other words, he knows what happened during the explosion, he knows that Chuuya has been breaking into my apartment and he knows more about my entire predicament now, than I do.

Just… who exactly is he? How and why?

You cut yourself off from those thoughts. 

Ugh. this is ending up being so much more complicated than it was supposed to be. You thought in bitterness. So basically, I’ll go to the address, and get the answers to my questions. Sounds simple enough. There’s no need to overthink this. Maybe i’m just being paranoid. What’s the worst that could happen?

Well, a lot. But I’ll just ignore that for now.

You turn around and walk towards the door again. To be honest, you don’t want to know what might happen once you see him. You were already nervous from the implications the man had told you moments ago, and you were coming to realize there were some things that you noticed when you were in Chuuya’s house. Things that you maybe weren’t supposed to know about or see.

In the bottom of the drawer… there were documents. Documentation of everything that happened on the day of the explosion. A bright light illumined the sky, followed by the dead body found; the previous port mafia’s executive; Dazai Osamu. The two closest people to the explosion were a member of the port mafia, Atsushi Nakajima, and a member in the training of the Armed Detective Agency, Ryounouske Akuwatagawa. They are believed to be the cause of the explosion.

No one knows the exact events inside the Port Mafia on that day, except for the individuals involved in the actions that happened. According to the Armed Detective Agency, Akuwtagawa had barged into the Port Mafia to challenge the Port Mafia Executive. He accordingly, fought many individuals in the Port Mafia, a body count is yet to be determined. Data from thereon forth is unknown until the individuals reach the top of the building, where the most notorious event stated above occurred.

Additionally, after thorough examination of the body of the previous Port Mafia Excuetive, it can be concluded that he had committed suicide by jumping off the building. 

The document ends there, and the paper is ripped in half.

-

It felt like every meter you travelled towards that location was walking towards a terrible, yet inevitable fate. The drive there, dragged on and on as if mocking you for your choices. You find yourself counting down the seconds until you can arrive at the location given.

Oh, how you wished you had stayed at home instead of seeking him out. If only your morbid curiosity hadn’t gotten the best of you.

You’ve lost track of the time you’ve spent on the train, only waiting for the loudspeaker to announce your stop. The location you figure you were given led you to a rather remote area, likely in the outskirts of Yokohama. If not further. The man had told you he was locked underground, completely isolated from everything.

You found that part the most unsettling. If they needed that many security measures to keep him in place, it was likely he was completely gone. Gone beyond saving. If he had succumbed that much to his own grief and madness, it would be a question of whether he would still remember you or not. 

You look out the window again, enjoying your last moments of peace.

This is the eerie calm before the storm, isn’t it?

Moments after you think that, the train halts to a stop at the last station in Yokohama, and you get off. Your heart is pounding wildly in your chest, and you’re not sure if you can stop it.

You try your best to remain calm. Force yourself to keep going. He’s special to you. You can’t lose him, even if you hate him. You need him. He’s the only one who still cares. 

And above all, he’s the only one who remembers you at all.

And so, you go. You take all the correct turns. You try to walk as quickly as you could, to arrive at the destination. You keep going, and going and going until…

You’re here.

It’s one of the better buildings on the outskirts of the city, yet… it looks incredibly unsettling. It’s a mundane building, one made from standard concrete, and glass. Yet. As you stand so close, you see cracks in the building. The door is partially cracked as well. 

Well, I’m here already. Whatever happens, happens. I may die in there, still, before I die, I have to know the answer. The answer… why can’t I remember? Chuuya. I want him to tell me, what he did to me. Why he came to my apartment every day. Why he’s… he’s…..

Oh. My hands are shaking. Surely I cannot be this terrified can I? I will do this even if it kills me.

You pull the door open and enter the building. The piece of paper told you that it was on the lowest floor. Your footsteps echo in the empty building, and it feels creepy no one is here.

Huh. Gives some Deja Vu, doesn’t it?

You proceed towards the elevator at the end of the hall, and press the down button. Almost instantly, the elevator makes a “ding” noise, and the doors open. You quickly step in and look for the lowest button. With a deep breath, you push the button, and the door closes.

You stare at your face in the mirror. You look terrible. Pale and your hair is completely dishevelled and a mess. If you didn’t know any better, you’d look like you were sick. You had been extremely anxious about this for an entire day, after all.

The elevator doors once again slide open. 

Here goes nothing. You sigh. I’d better hear you talking today, Chuuya. You have a lot to tell me. And you’d better tell me it all.

You step outside the elevator. There’s nothing. Absolutely nothing, and no one here. The halls are empty, and the strong scent of stale air, combined with dust fills your nostrils. You feel like coughing for a second, but you hold yourself back. You didn’t want to make any noise to give away your presence. You take another step.

Despite what the man said, it was clear that there was no one else there. No prison guards, no other cells inside. It was clearly a floor made, simply to detain one individual in particular. Isolated, and secure enough that they’d never be able to escape. Deep enough underground that they’d never even know where they were.

Your footsteps tap loudly against the concrete and echo everywhere around. As you walk down the hall, the lightbulbs behind you light up. The man had told you it was in the deepest part of the prison. However, what he didn’t account for, was that you had no idea how this floor was organized. 

Not to mention it was starting to get creepy really quickly. Although there should be nothing else in here, you were starting to get the sense that there was something dangerous that might lurk in the air. You tell yourself it’s probably just the dark and your own fatigue and you were imagining things.

The emptiness of the entire building creeps you out. It’s eerie. It feels like you were lead into the wrong location, and you were walking into a dead end. It almost felt almost like a trap that you had been lured into. And every second, the floor grew significantly more eerie. The lack of any presence and the darkness despite the very few lightbulbs attached to the ceiling enhanced that. 

I should be getting close now… right?

You were. You could see a light at the end of this hallway, which was illuminated with an orange light. It must have been where Chuuya’s cell was. There was no other place as illuminated as this, and there was no reason for it to be.

You had gotten this far. There was no reason you should be stopping now. Should you? The answer… you had always looked for, you could get it now.

Chuuya always hid something from me. He has never answered once, one of my questions. He’s never told me why he comes to my house every day, he never told me once why he was gone. For as long as I remember, I’ve been coming back from my job, and seeing him there. But one day, he disappeared. No reason why, no reason of how. He just did.

But apart from my job, there’s another piece missing to this puzzle. There’s something else that I’ve always wanted to ask him besides why he’s gone missing, and the explosion which I already had the answer to. He knows me, better than I know myself.

What was I before all of this happened?

I know there’s something before all of this. It just doesn’t add up. The man I saw in the mafia looked familiar. The building itself was in a place that I had felt I had been in at some time before. There’s deja vu there.

But when I first walked into the apartment, the first day before I saw Chuuya, I had jamais vu. A familiar place, that I didn’t know. And consequently, I couldn’t remember much before that. So what-

“I know you’re there, (Y/N). You’ve been standing there for quite some time.”

Shit.

Your thoughts are cut off by that voice you instantly knew. Chuuya was indeed, there. But his voice didn’t sound the same as you remember. There wasn’t any of the snarkiness, or egotistical attitude in his voice anymore. Instead, his voice was laced with aggression, and a malice that made you hesitant to even come forward.

You open your jaw to speak, but almost if Chuuya knew, he spoke before you. “I know what you’re thinking. You want to know why I left you, don’t you? I assume that someone has already told you about what happened on the day I stopped seeing you, and I’m sure you know all about the aftermath of that.”

You feel like you are doused in cold water. How did he know? Did he plan all of this. You want to open your mouth and tell him to slow down, but he continues, anyways.

“And you’ve been having deja vu for several days, too. You feel like you know the Port Mafia building, you feel like you recognize everything you saw, including my home.” Silence, as he pauses for a second. “So why don’t you… come and face me, and I’ll tell you what actually happened?”

“Chuuya-”

You hear no response. You sigh and walk towards his cell. You’re not ready to hear this, and you’re not sure you can face him.

He’s different. He’s not the same anymore. He sounds more violent, his composture is much less controlled than it was before. What…what happened to him?

And then you approach his cell. He’s got cuts everywhere, specifically the gash on his face. You instantly feel the need to run away, to get this image out of your mind. He was thin, his face was significantly more gaunt than it had been the last time you had seen him. And the most unsettling thing was how he was kept. Both arms were harshly chained to the ceiling and the wall. The chains were wrapped around his arms several times (you would assume most likely to stop him from breaking free), and they cut deeply into his arm. Then his body was also tightly bound to a chair, and his legs were bound to the chair’s legs. His body you noticed, was bound so tightly to the chair, you wonder how he still managed to breathe. Still, nothing would be as unnerving as to look at as his eyes. They were not dull per say, but they were empty. Not in the hopeless kind of way, but in the tormented sense that he had been tortured so badly that it would be unlikely he ever saw the light of day again.

Truly, he was a lost cause. You could only describe him as tortured and traumatized, as you couldn’t glance at him a second time.

“Hey. You done oogling yet?” His voice came out as almost an aggressive snarl, and you instantly look away. “Look at me.” You do your best to look at him, while trying to avoid looking at any part of his face in particular. You didn’t want to see it. Truly, you don’t want to look at him in any way whatsoever. So you settle on looking at a corner of his hair. The only thing that was still familiar to you.

“I said look at me. In the eyes.”

You don’t want to.

Chuuya sighs. “I know I probably look terrible right now, but please. Just do it. For the sake of me. Just look me in the eyes. It’ll probably be the last time I see someone for a long time.” He draws that last sentence out for longer than you expect, and you start to feel uneasy again, but you try to ignore that and ask him the question. The question you had been dying to ask for an undefined amount of time.

It’s a second before you can really bring yourself to ask it. “Chuuya. Where are my memories?” your mouth tightens… “Who am I? Why did you… do this?” You take a deep breath, to stop yourself. “Just tell me. Please.”

There’s another stretched-out pause before Chuuya responds again. “I knocked you out.”

“You… you what? N-no… you’re kidding right?” Your voice wavers slightly, before seeing Chuuya’s face again. He’s dead serious. “Why would you do this?”

“You were in danger. I couldn’t help it, alright?” He yelled, and you flinch. He takes a deep breath in again, slightly more calm, and continues. “Let me explain.”

“You were part of the Port Mafia, (Y/N). In fact, you, me, and Dazai used to be assigned to the same team all the time. Of course, it was always despicable working with Dazai. He never told us about anything, instead only telling us what to do, while he schemed about whatever he damn chose.”

“You can’t be serious…”

He scoffs and rolls his eyes. “Do you think I’m joking right now? That I’m making a story and pulling it out of thin air for fun? You wanted answers. I’m giving them to you right now.”

“Right. Sorry.”

Chuuya ignores you and goes on. “Out of the three of us, you were always the weakest one, without a strong ability, nor any supportive abilities, however, we always had to drag you along anyways. To every mission gaven to us. Dazai would always make a plan, and we’d have to follow through. And if any of us ever messed up, we’d always get into trouble.”

“I bet you wanted to know how you got that bruise on your arm, that’s never healed, huh? Well, it’s cause you messed up one of the missions, and one of the higher-ups broke your arm. It never completely healed, and it was a warning that you should never mess up again.”

You look at your arm, where the ugly purple bruise marred your skin. It had never healed, and you couldn’t do anything heavy with it. Although it made a lot more sense than the reasoning you were told, you found this all too unreal. There was no way you were a mafia member. You were always weak. There would have been no reason for you to join. But even past the static buzzing in your brain, you could make out everything he said feeling familiar. As if your memories were just behind a wall you couldn’t break through.

“Still, I wasn’t able to do anything at the time, and Dazai didn’t care too much for you. The damned bastard treated everything and everyone like a chess piece, and played them as he wished. You were constantly treated as the runt of the three of us, and often used as the punching bag when missions weren’t successful. But, over time, you managed to become more ‘competent’ and not ‘drag us back’.”

“Of course, that all was, until the Dragon Head incident. All you need to know was that it was a bloody fight, and most of us were sent to deal with it.”

“As always, we were sent to deal with the mess. Dazai and I were obviously vanguards during the entire ordeal, and you were backup. When we had found the person behind it all, I used my own ability to kill him. We had won, but just barely.”

“You had managed to find the location of the man first, but you didn’t notify us. This person later told us that you actually refused to tell us. Ultimately, you botched Dazai’s plan, and almost destroyed an entire city, because you didn’t follow his instructions. Of course, Dazai was disappointed, even if he didn’t say anything. He essentially dismissed you, and planned to go back, and remove you from the Port Mafia. But, I didn’t want that.”

“So after a very long fight with Dazai, I managed to make a compromise with him. You would not be killed for betraying the Port Mafia, however, you wouldn’t be allowed to go back. But if I told you this, you would have rather accepted death, since the Port Mafia is the only thing you have ever known. You couldn’t go into the real world since you have no identity there.”

“So later that night, while you had looked like you were at least, partially asleep. I had no choice… but to give you severe head trauma, which would make you lose all your memories.”

There’s an unspoken silence between the two of you. You had always been told that your head was fragile. When you tried to think about your childhood or teenage years, your head would fill with static and it would hurt. Never had you ever expected it to be… this…

“You must be shocked. You probably think I’m not being serious, or that I’m joking. Well, I’m not done yet.”

“You were in a coma for years after that. For about two or three years, if I remember correctly. I had to make sure that you wouldn’t remember anything, so I bashed your head, pretty hard against the concrete. I brought you to the hospital after that, and told them that you had been injured badly, because you had attempted suicide. A balatant lie, but I couldn’t tell the doctors any more than that, otherwise I would have been detained.”

“For several years, you stayed in the hospital, completely unconscious. I’d visit you everyday, and see if you would wake up. At one point I had considered just giving up. But eventually, you did wake up. But, you didn’t have an identity in the real world, let alone education, or anything that would let you survive. When you were discharged, I paid a company to forge you a fake identity, which is what you live by now.”

“I’ve watched over you for so long, (Y/N). You once asked me what you needed to be protected from. I didn’t answer that question because I didn’t think it was the right time to let you know the truth. Alas, you’ve come searching for the truth yourself. The Port Mafia was after you for a long time. I had to constantly monitor you, you were constantly on my mind every day. And even when you were discharged from the hospital, I still had to watch over you while you slept. They wanted to kill you. I didn’t want you dead, in fact how could I?” Chuuya laughs in bitterness. “I loved you for a long time. I did all of this to make sure I’d be able to see you happy, for once. And you were. You moved into society rather nicely. You were simply not meant to be part of the Mafia, despite the potential in your ability.”

“You have the gun I left on my desk, didn’t you? You knew you had to take it because you might have been in danger.”

“Chuuya… stop.” You’re still in shock, but you know you’ll never properly remember any of your memories now. You can only trust him. Whatever he says, you have to believe. He’s not lying. He never was lying.

“That was Dazai’s gun. The gun he left before he killed himself.”

“No… please. Stop. Chuuya. Don’t do this please…”

He chuckles. “I have no merit in my future, I am simply left to rot and die here. You wouldn’t understand, (Y/N). I spent so much time in my life for you, that it would have been simpler to just kill you. But I can’t do that.”

“But in a life where you don’t return any of that to me isn’t worth living either…”

“CHUUYA,” you scream. “Stop this. Don’t…”

“So shoot me please. I know you’re dying to do it. You brought the gun with you, you wanted to kill me. I know you do. Why? You’ve reached into your pockets serveral times while I was telling your past. My life is hopeless, completely doomed. I’ve lost everything I once had, except for you. And I can’t even see you now.”

“So kill me. Put me out of my own misery.”

He smiles, in a twisted sort of way, expecting you to shoot.

“You won’t regret it.”

And it’s true. You were planning on killing him, but you don’t want to now. But if what he said was true, you were also ruthless as he was. You had to make a choice, quickly.

Your hands move faster than your mind, and you can’t stop yourself.

You shoot once. Once at his chest.

You can’t bear to see what you did.

But you also can’t see control what you were going to do next. You hear another gunshot being fired, and you weren’t if it was from yourself, or maybe someone else in the floor.

Your vision stops and you feel yourself falling to the ground.

#yandere chuuya #yandere Chuuya x reader #yandere Chuuya nakahara x reader #chuuya x reader angst #chuuya angst #chuuya nakahara #bsd angst #Chuuya x reader #chuuya nakahara x reader #yandere bsd #yandere bsd x reader #bungo stray dogs x reader #bungk stray dogs #chuuya Bungo stray dogs #chuuya bsd #yanderecore #BRUH I ACTUALLY HATE THIS THO WTF #chaoticmiraclezombie the skills are being handed back to you now. #I wrote way. Way too much buildup. #it was better with the edits at least it was easier to read but Tumblr couldn’t handle it #i swear to god. #anyways. Yeah. Basically beast Chuuya core ig

[6mmad]

no sure if this is something you do, but if so... could you do the obey brothers with a selectively mute so // an so that only speaks with them out of anxiety? thank you, and love your writing sm!

obey me brothers with a selectively mute mc

a/n: you guys give me such good prompts to write, bless. also am learning a lot from them too

lucifer

lucifer has made it his job to make you comfortable. his brothers go on about how spoiled you are and honestly? they're right (just don't say that to his face)

lucifer is a busy man, but you'd be impressed at how quickly he'll set aside time for you if you want to talk. he says it's so you two can practice the skills your therapist told you to try but in truth, he just wants to hear his love's voice.

as long as lucifer is around, you won't be under pressure from royals wanting to meet the "new human." imagine diavolo's surprise when lucifer rejected a tea party invitation in your steed. your boyfriend doesn't mind of course, seeing you sigh in relief is all the message he needs to know that he's done the right thing. he'd hate to see you nervous

you have full and unlimited access to lucifer's office and room. he wants to you to be able to use them so you're safe, it's why the chaise couch in the corner has adopted more than several pillows and blankets. he'll turn the other cheek when you bring in a funny blanket that clashes horribly with his decor, although you can see him eyeing it.

the first time you verbally told lucifer that you loved him you barely got the words out before being pulled into a breathless kiss, lucifer's hands holding your own

"i've waited so long to hear you say that, mc. now i look like a fool who can't contain his feelings. i love you too mc, so very much"

mammon

to say mammon is smug would be an understatement. it's more like, he has a shit eating grin every-time his mc comes to him for conversation

of course, you get his full attention. he drops everything he's doing to fully listen, earning him one or several books to the head from school teachers who can see him ignoring a full lesson. but that doesn't change his habits, because i mean, what if he were to miss something you said????

be prepared to be pulled into his room on busy days. mammon knows that social settings can be draining so he makes sure to pull you aside for an impromptu movie date on his couch

and no! this isn't for you, he obviously just felt like watching a movie today...or something like that

the first time you verbally tell mammon that you love him he was left speechless soon before he pulled you close. you swore you could feel his heart beat all the way through his jacket

"ahh! don't...don't say things like that so suddenly!! of course i love you back.. i don't even have to tell ya, im sure you know that you're the only person i'll ever need.. i love you more than anything in all three worlds, mc"

levi

levi sympathized with your anxiety, he knew it wasn't to the same degree as his own but he felt a sense of comradeship with you nonetheless

levi allowed his room to be your sanctuary too. in fact, many of his brothers compare it to a married couples room, looking like it's lived in by two (much to his embarrassment)

your items are intertwined, you have your own blankets and pillows in his room and half of your wardrobe is now in his closet, just seeing it makes levi red in the face but he'd never change a thing about it

levi is your anchor, he knows just how to distract you when things get too overwhelming. pushing aside his own anxieties, he'll make sure to hold you close and talk you through any potential panic attacks, rubbing your back until your loss of breath ceases.

as your boyfriend, levi does his best to make the first move, taking your own anxieties into account. although you can both get awkward, levi finds you two's kissing mishaps funny. he snorts when you both clash teeth or bump noses, making your intimate moments a lot less nerve-wracking

the first time you verbally told levi that you love him, he dropped his controller from his hands in shock. before you had the chance to panic he buried his face in your shoulder

"I love you too!! I mean..uh.. no, I really do love you, mc. You really mean it? I can't believe I get to hear you say it to me too.."

satan

satan has never had an issue with your lack of verbal communication, he's only glad that you trust him enough to converse with him

the irony isn't lost on him, of course, you've placed your love and trust on the literal demon of wrath. but if you only knew that you have his own love and trust equally.

satan has absolute patience with you. he knows that speaking in social settings takes practice and if ordering an ice cream takes you twenty tries then so be it. you felt embarrassed and you wanna drive to different place? that's ok too, love, don't worry at all

unlike others, satan doesn't mind snapping at anyone in public. if they can't respect you and your efforts to speak then he won't respect their right to own a healthy face, it's that simple

satan is amazing at picking up your non-verbal cues. if you're too anxious to speak in public then he has no problem reading your body language. he knows you like the back of his hand and he can't help but laugh at your embarrassed face when he knows that you want a kiss

the first time you verbally told him that you loved him he laughed happily, pressing a chaste kiss to your lips and hugging you so tight that you could feel his heart beat against your head

"You have no idea how much that means to me, mc. I love you too, so much more than you could ever even imagine."

asmo

asmo swears your voice has some sort of magic in it, cause how is it that he looks forward to it so eagerly every time?

asmo is your personal hype man, he'll support you through any and all social situations. even when you can't push yourself to talk he strives to soothe you through it. after all, the fact that you tried is enough for celebration

after being socially burnt out, asmo is the best to turn to. even with tears of frustration and anxiety involved, asmo gives you the best treatment ever, never loosing patience and respect for you while he wipes your tear streaked face.

asmo doesn't mind picking fights with his brothers for you. lucifer told you to order your own meal when you were having a bad day? don't worry, darling, he's on his way to that jerks office this instant! levi ignored you this morning? he knows just how to get back at him!

the first time you verbally told asmo that you loved him, he burst into tears but not before giving you a deep heartfelt kiss. It wasn't by any means his rehearsed kisses since you could feel his lips tremble, but it made it all the more meaningful for you.

"I love you too, mc. I love you so so so much, you have no idea. Even if this is the first and last time that you say this I don't care. I wouldn't trade this moment for the world"

beel

beel himself doesn't talk too much and truthfully, he loves you enough to be able to enjoy your presence even if you have nothing to say.

if you allow it, beel will take you anywhere that he goes, just the two of you against social situations. he doesn't think that your anxieties should prohibit you from enjoying life and having fun, in any case he'll keep you safe from the outside world.

beel's favorite moments are when you sit on his back while he does pushups and you just talk about your day. he thinks it's the cutest thing ever and he imagines what facial expressions you might be making as you tell him about what crazy things happened in your Spells class.

You never have to worry about being judged with beel by your side. Sometimes anxiety can make you say or do something you usually wouldn't do and Beel understands. Whether you yell or run away, he knows who his mc truly is. He just wants to you be safe.

the first time you verbally told beelzebub that you loved him he was at a loss for words but not soon before he caged you under him, his ears red

"mc...i love you too. im so glad...ah, you can hear my heart beat.. that's embarrassing"

beel tried to hold back, he really does, but from the gaze on your lips and your confession.. he fears that his self-control has reached its limit. you understand, dont you mc?

belphie

belphie would stay awake if it meant that you wanted to talk to him, even if he's fighting off his drowsiness

he loves knowing that you find comfort in him, it makes him a bit more giddy then he'd like to admit. although naturally, he has to tease you about it.

expect to have a clingy demon on your hands. you want him near don't you, mc? yes? then it's settled, your his new body pillow. and yes he kisses and leaves lingering touches on his body pillow, mc, he's the avatar of sloth he knows proper pillow techniques.

belphie is a natural jerk-repellent. nobody in RAD will pick on your anxious demeanor as long as he's glaring from behind you, at least until you turn around, otherwise he's sleeping like a baby (you saw nothing, mc)

the first time you verbally told belphie that you loved him he went red in the face, an expression that you rarely saw him wear

"You... Are you trying to make me loose my cool? Of course I love you too, mc... Say it again, please."

You'd never seen him so desperate to have you near before, but it was clear from his shaky hands that your confession meant more than he could ever describe in words.

selective mutism is a very real and unfortunately very misunderstood condition, if you guys wanna learn more, here is a credible text and video source written by medical professionals and/or people with personal experience. :-))

#obey me #obey me shall we date #omswd #obey me swd #obey me devildom #shall we date #otome game #om! shall we date #obey me x gn!reader #obey me x gender neutral reader #obey me x mc #om x reader #om x you #obey me x you #obey me headcanon #obey me headcanons #obey me hc #om hcs #om headcanons

[bfdifan26]

please do list of every burner depression i love this show so so much you should do that

okay! thank you for enabling me. disclaimer im not a Depression Expert i pretty much only know what i go through myself. have fun

ok so roomy isnt a contestant but i do wanna talk about her. i feel like the whole thing with her literally being the room can be compared to something like a kid with depression not leaving their room and just living within a tight window of reality, only ever speaking to their parents and stuff. i feel like roomy can be related to that as she literally can’t leave. like executive dysfunction the character. also her personality, only caring about being nice and not hurting others, and by doing that not letting anyone know who she really is or how she really feels

okay onto the contestants now. rosey is a very interesting character, what draws me in about her the most is her almost refusal to appear vulnerable or overwhelmed by anything, always needing a guaranteed way to do something so she knows it’ll work. this can be seen as somebody with depression relying on things in their life that they know off by heart, things like routines and rituals they perform daily, having something to fall back on and feel some normalcy through. again she’s very similar to roomy with the whole social butterfly thing

spraypaint is tricky because we’ve basically only ever seen her be like Ahh im gonna kill you be scared. but i do think she has a reason to constantly be like that towards people. nobody is ever aggressive because they like it i dont think anyone likes being on guard 24/7. i feel like she relies on her knife alot, for example in the scene where she argues with playdoh after they run into eachother, she tries to just kill him right there instead of bothering to interact with him once she gets bored of him and decides he has nothing to say that she wants to hear (based but only because it’s playdoh)

kit seems to be very self confident unlike the majority of the other characters, but for the entire time, others have kind of decided what kit is like in their heads and settled on it, based off how she appears. that being limey seeing how relaxed and inexpressive she is and that making him think that she doesn’t care about things around her. with depression it can be easy to get tired of some things, but people then assume you don’t care about anything, and that you’re just apathetic, and/or constantly thinking you’re sad when like. thats just how you look Lol. that’s what kit and how she’s treated reminds me of

speaking of limey. he’s pretty similar to spraypaint, except he’s much more sensitive, or at least outwardly. it doesn’t take much for him to feel overwhelmed and like everybody is out to get him, and he’s always trying to counter this feeling by insisting to both others and himself that he has something up his sleeve that’ll make everyone regret thinking badly of him. he’s just a very defensive character and who can blame him. oh also hes very clearly hyperfixated on the idea of being a cartoony super villain or something. it’s a part of his identity he relies ALOT on, always falling into it especially when he feels threatened

pilly is very organised and on top of everyone else, and his only fault ive noticed is his detachment. he says to record outright that he doesn’t need or want friends, and purposely blends in to make sure he isn’t noticed and nobody tries to connect with him. i think this can be 2 different things; either he just straight up doesn’t like other people and finds them draining and just another hassle, or he really would like a friend but would rather not reach out from fear of being rejected. i think it’s the first one but you can never know

peanut is another character who’s very isolated except for him it’s nobody’s fault or deliberate choice really. we’ve seen that he lives in the middle of the country out on a farm, either living on his own or with his close family. my personal idea of him involves the second one and that also fits in with this. one of peanut’s very first lines is that he doesn’t care about what happens to him and is mostly focused on doing things for others’ sake. hes seen to be used to doing the dirty work for people and to be happy with it being like this. i think peanut relies on being a helping hand since well. that’s all he really knows how to do, and how to be wanted by others

to say polaroid is overshadowed by the other characters is an understatement both in the show and outside. like i think he’s the character with the least fanart, even including the one-time cameo dudes. its a shame because he’s SO good. his most noticeable trait first up is that he can’t speak verbally, and for others to acknowledge his words they have to put effort in which. unfortunately alot of people dont. like this hes ignored easily and often, being talked over, people dragging him around and ordering him to do things without listening to what he thinks first. but despite this hes so caring, seen with him encouraging pilly even after he threatened him with elimination (have i ever mentioned i love those two’s relationship so much) and comforting roomy and going with her to help with her fears

record is like. id say one of the most depression coded objects ever. she’s shy but not the stereotypical shy archetype, questioning people’s orders and sometimes even getting frustrated with others. she’s shown to have trouble explaining herself to others, feeling like she needs to in order to be forgiven for well. Literally just standing there. not much i can say about her that hasn’t been said /agreed on already

onto hanger my favourite… hanger is again, talked over by basically everyone. she rarely has the opportunity to ‘prove herself’ to others and when she does, the credit is taken away from her and it doesn’t matter how much she yells and argues, she can never be listened to. when this happens to someone it can easily feel like nothing you do will ever work and it’s just hopeless to even think of doing anything right or impressing anybody. i wouldn’t say hanger feels like that since we’ve seen that she’s very strong willed, but that’s just the thing. she HAS to stop herself from feeling that way because nobody else will, she has nobody else to rely on.

except erasey

erasey is similar to kit with the whole under expressive thing, as well as it being seen that they kind of struggle with motivation. they seem to have a kind of omnipotence that makes it so that they know what to do and how to do it, and if it’s even worth it to try. but apart from that they don’t do much else, that’s all that’s important to them. they only try to do what they absolutely need to

i hope playdoh cries again in burner 4

#long post #i encourage you to write your own thing about playdoh bc im not doing it #burner #burner osc #burner object show #roomy #rosey #spraypaint #kit #limey #pilly #peanut #Polaroid #record #hanger #erasey #playdoh #tbh i struggle to do anything for tissues. he’s like erasey except he has fun with it lol

[kartywarty]

is everyone revealing ocs now??? hi welcome to my top ten facts about my ocs

no.1 Halbert K. Robinson

1. he has viltigo and hides it by wearing his mask a lot

2 .works as a janitor to clean the base

3. was forced to resort to working in a crime due to skin condition, he was framed for a crime he didn’t commit and because people thought he looked weird COUGHS. i wonder who said that ?? huh

4. ex-fire fighter, all his training went down the drain

5. hes 37 and is 5’4” ft tall

6. is actually matt engarde from aa!/j

7. seen as a lower class because of his mask, but in reality he once lifted a whole ass couch just to clean under it

8. the “K” in his name stands for “Karl”

9. he has keys to every room/area in the base so he can clean

10. was hired because he had a “criminal history”, he had to beg to live and only had an option to join mary (he was hired before he knew larry was in control)

btw guys im still figuring out his lore idk guys

no.2 Riktor V. Markov

1. speaks russian and BARELY understands english

2. has a translator to help him understand (will be mentioned next)

3. looks very intimidating, but hes rarely soft to people sometimes

4. his dad was a godfather for a mafia back in russia, he eventually got arrested and riktor had to migrate to robloxia with his soon to be his translator

5. 5’8” ft tall and is 42 years old

6. uses his bonesaw as defense

7. his hair isnt gray, his hair is ashy blonde

8. the “V” in his name is “Victor”

9. his mom got executed by another mafia that was against his father and he was forced to witness it with his bare eyes

10. his favorite medical tool is the bonesaw

no.3 Feliks Novikov

1. he is half russian and half american

2. is riktors translator, hes actually helped riktor migrate away and have been childhood friends. they were bullies before

3. has actually been hired by larry in the past, once retired when larry was defeated, later has been recruited by mary

4. convinced mary to hire riktor for medic

5. 5’4” ft tall, 40

6. has a family of 2 and is married, he has a son and a baby daughter.

7. loves jazz he even plays the saxophone

8. plays in a band with the other henchmen in the evil base, hes the lead

9. hes a gentleman and respects his higherups

10. was actually favored a lot by larry

no.4 Scary Autry (Autry P. Harrington)

1. his face in the past had scarring and acne (his face is greasy, one of the reasons why he hides his face)

2. bffs with barry, cabbage (another break in oc), and danry (also another break in oc). they are known as the “alphabet fourlets”

3. his mom left him few months after he was born, he was raised by his dad and grew up with toxic masculinity OH NO WHO SAID THAT AHH!!

4. hates mary and larry A LOT. he hates larry for defending mary and he hates mary for trying to reveal his own face COUGHC OUGH (rreference to my fanfic about his backstory)

5. 6’4” ft tall, he is 68 years old

6. he knows karate, kung fu, and bare knuckle boxing

7. seems to be really harsh but just blocks out feelings

8. loves wearing boots.

9. the weapon he uses are golden brass knuckles

10. hes TERRIBLE at playing instruments, he was failing music class during his origin phase

no.5 oswald the hacker/guest

1. his real name/username is Guest0091288

2. he listens to ivycomb and babymetal

3. he was once a guest, he had a lot of good progress while playing other games throughout roblox, until they banned guests. oswald did not accept losing his progress and took things the hard way by somehow reviving his guest account, he fleed to break in to blend in by the guest role, he was caught few weeks ago but managed to still escape by becoming a different role in which he didnt even pay for (hacker role)

4. he has an illumina instead of the classic sword, he uses his phone to spawn holograms tthat act like a shield

5. he is 5’1” and is ageless

6. he hates wearing the caps guests wore, he didnt like how it felt

7. he does not speak, he uses tts (text to speech). the tts program he uses is the alpha moonbase tts

8. loooves making fun of people, even when hes successful to get away with it

9. can impersonate/shapeshift into other characters and users, however his tts voice still remains the same

10. very unpredictable.

no.6 Carter J. Dickgum (self insert)

1. married to bradley beans

2. almost had a divorce arc Thanks for hanging out with me!

3. named “Carter” instead of “Karter” because of his curved smile (get it)

5. 5’5” ft tall and 45 years old

6. shaves and HATES HAVING A Stubblle

7. doesnt like working out most of the time

8. his emotions appear to be VERY obvious, he is very expressive

9. works as a cashier at tacobell

10. wears mismatched socks everyday.

Okay guys thansk for tunkng in chatn! ‘My sunshine students

#break in 2 #roblox break in #break in #break in roblox #roblox break in 2 #break in oc #break in 2 oc

[seoafin]

Ahh it’s understandable that 2 cons would be enough!! It definitely is very draining and being hit on old man is totally not fun so I get it 😭😭 (also the B.O was real 🤢). It’s cool that u got to meet with online friend!!

I cosplayed as Power and there was so many of other power cosplayers qwq. I didn’t see any male Gojo cosplayers either but I did buy Gojo art teehee ✨

But my favorite part was seeing a Yuzuriha cosplayer!! The cosplayer was sooooo pretty and I hope to cosplay Yuzuriha next year!!

POWER!!!! she is such a good cosplay i bet you looked amazing!!!! im glad you had fun <333 cons can be so fun i just get tired easily (introvert at heart)

#omg yes the BO OH MY GOD my friend actually brought febreeze with her and by the end of the day it was empty #yuzuriha is a look I LOVE HER MY WIFE #you're going to look GREAT #wheredidmycrowngo

[loudlypanickinginvenezolano]

I am a Sucker [For you.]

I just need somebody to make sure he is all right, someone to know, to check subtly without getting anyone alarmed or making things worse. I don’t think just anyone can.”

“That`s a bold statement. Many would have your head for it.”

Shadow arched an eyebrow, giving a smile that wasn’t a smile. “I don’t care, Espio. I could care less if it is politically incorrect or if it hurts somebody`s sensibilities, It doesn’t make it any less true. I think you know it”

“Whoever thought that letting you be one of ours spokespersons would be a good idea really needs their head checked.”

“Maybe so. But I know I’m right, so what is there for me to be afraid of, uh? If a direct approach or a subtle one doesn’t make any progress then what other option there truly is? Because I can’t see other one. Do I have to let him self-destruct right in front of us? I pass. I can’t let that happen. And if I can’t be that person, I need to know there is someone in the known, looking out for him. i… want to…to not distrust you, to, to believe you can be that person I can’t be anymore.”

“Very well. Just. Stop. Im starting to get stomach sick. Ahh, I do admit you have a bit of sense. Just a bit, though, don’t rub it.”

“So you will help?”

“Will you let me drink my tea in peace if I say no? of course I will. ”He took a sip, and grimaced. It was long gone cold. “Sonic is also my friend, you know?”

“I do.” Shadow finally relaxed completely on his chair, tension bleeding out so obviously Espio couldn’t help but sigh.

“You are into something problematic, aren’t you?”

The sad stare he got answered everything.

Espio breathed in deeply and slowly, staring into his cup before draining it entirety, snorting to himself at the text at the bottom of the cup. He left it aside, reaching up to offer a hand to Shadow. “You know that you can count on me when you need it, Shadow. Anytime. I care for my friends.”

The ebony took it, softly pressing his forehead into it. He didn’t say or do anything else, and neither did Espio. They stood in silence, letting it speak for them.

``I don’t think your promise will held out when shit hits the fan`` Shadow thought, swallowing. ``But hell if I don’t wish to lie to myself, and believe you will be there.``

Espio took his hand back, and was about to say something when the unexpected appearance of a cat startled him into almost biting his tongue.

The feline jumped in from the window, sashaying its way inside calmly enough to envy.

“You also should be going to sleep, you know?” The dark hero squinted. “Its late, and, if a single cat is enough to get you in this state, maybe the better would be for you to go rest, Espio.”

“…Are you…Uh. You do remember you picked one of the highest, advantageous point’s available, right?”

“…and your point is?”

“…It shouldn’t be possible for a simple cat to just casually jump here. I would know, I checked that!”

“Well, but. Uh. Maybe you missed something?”

“Are you doubting me?”

“oh no, nothing like that. I just.” He shrugged, again, dragging a hand through his face. He was too tired to be eloquent. “She has come by many times already, look, she even has a spot and water and shit. I am used to seeing her here, so, If you say it is hard and high, then how comes she gets here so casually, as you say, every other night? Maybe…I don’t know. there`s a way. Maybe she just grew here, and knows this place a tad better?”  

“…It’s a cat.”

“Well yes, I noticed but.  Maybe she’s smart. Who knows.”

“Again. It’s a cat.”

“Weren’t you the one who said he wasn’t going to underestimate his enemies?”

“I am so not having this conversation with you.” He glared at the cat as if she had personally scratched his socks to tatters before leaving, and just once he was entirely sure Espio was gone, he pulled out his recently hidden folder.

Where he could swear his notes about the review of the watchtowers of the north once sat, now only one word repeated itself like some broken chant. ``Coming`` was wrote over and over, mockingly, almost, in nothing more than his own handwriting, something that he had no recollection of ever doing.

Where was his work?

He had spent hours and hours on that!

He glared at the paper for a while, until his eyes and head stung, until the entire world was tilting off its axis as black spots appeared on his vision, confusing him, rendering him almost blind.

The paper crinkled between his fingers, being roughly slammed down into the desk.

He stifled, forcefully, a pained grunt, huffed breaths being the only sound in the office for a while.

The cat looked on, curiously.

Closing and rubbing his eyes proved of being of no help, as he could see the floor starting to sink in the farthest corner, right where it meet with the wall, giving under the pressure, under its burden, bending at impossible angles just like him, just like them, and leaving him almost weightless in that chair he knew he was sitting in, but couldn’t feel anymore.

He was floating.

At least, that was what it felt like.

He was floating in a room slowly consumed by the dark spots, once small and insignificant …now similar to the way a black hole worked, sucking in all light and everything that stood on their way, growing and growing in size, getting closer, making their slow way to him to consume him too.

To rip him apart piece by piece, stretching him until his joints and muscles snapped out of place, and his limbs and bones were teared from his torso as they pulled in different directions, fighting for his every bit, finishing him quicker than what he could attempt to heal.

He just knew that was what they wanted, that was their ultimate goal.

They were whispering to him, talking about their greed and insatiable hunger, eternal void.

Fuck.

He couldn’t move. 

Shadow groaned loudly, uncaring, numb to this particular if not familiar motion, hit by a sudden but all the same debilitating nausea that wouldn’t let him feel his legs.

It stung.

Everything.

Another groan, a loud crack and jostle, and then pin and needles were working up and down his arms and back, painfully incrusting themselves, sinking deep into his tissue and reaching his bone marrow, gloating at the first taste of blood, at getting to him first and being oh so useful Locking him in position, melting, sizzling and singeing his skin and fur, snaking to his shoulders, and neck, and finally head, biting him hungrily all the while no matter how much he growled, how much he fought to squirm, shake, or hiss. They had only one objective.

Something was wrong.

Maybe everything?

The tables were crumbling, his books were falling to the ground, the room was dimming and dimming as darkness took over. Hell.

Even the tapestry that hung behind him was starting to swirl over itself, the contents twisting into a spiral he could not make sense of.

Shadow curled over himself, or tried to, fighting to make his body obey him as he pressed his hands into his ears, mouth open in a pained scream he could not hear. It was too much.

The sizzling of the dark spots, the whispering voices behind him, the humming of his own complaining body, and the beats of his heart, the creaking of the room that was starting to crumble too, falling apart with dry hits or splintering wood.

With everything as it was, it can probably be forgiven it took him a while to realize the words twisting within the spiral.

Blood was steadily dripping into his shoulders, but it was okay.

Shadow could take pain.

He didn’t have to worry about sound anymore, so it was worth it.

Was it truly?

He didn’t know.

He just wanted it all to stop.

“Aren’t you tired?”

…He kind of was.

Is it of life?

Do you call this life?

Colored words, repeating themselves over and over like madness creeping in, vomiting out of the tapestry Shadow used to love, taking the darkened room under their control, filing everything that remained like macabre pointillism.

His breath stuttered, but he couldn’t move at all.

the binding held strong, holding him put and there was someone coming in.

``Aren’t you tired? `` was read on the wall.

``Don’t you want to rest? `` was crawling after him.

``Arent you in pain?`` made home in his desk.

On his screen, the videotape of the security reel turned off one by one without him doing something, and the presence behind his chair kept getting closer.

The remaining operative screen showed the Word Document he had been working on, the letters dancing away as they reorganized themselves but he could hardly pay attention.

“Isn’t it late?” Said a chipped, distorted voice, almost as if coming from underwater.

Maybe it was…

For you?

Or for him?

``Why don’t you close your eyes?``

``Why don’t you relax?``

`` I will keep guard for you…``

“Go the fuck to sleep.”

The being jerked his chair aside, roughly pressing against his throat.

Shadow tried to kick, but his legs had been withered long ago.

He chocked, blood tricking down his cheeks and ears, unfocused eyes bulging out.

His neck snapped.

His body slumped, unsupported. 

Shadow almost fell to the ground, blinking and standing startled in the middle of his office, Watchtower of the North`s reports In hand.

That’s… probably one of the reasons he doesn’t sleep.

His ears were ringing, his breath was unsteady.

It hurt.  

It was too much.

There was no one in the room with him.

He was alone. He…

Shadow growled.

“Too much caffeine is bad for your health, they say, uh… Either that, or you are truly a dewdropper at work.” He gave the lilac flowers at his side a narrowed stare.

Lilac flowers:… I am being wrongly accused, sir.

Shadow sighed, rubbing his aching eyes with a hand. He picked up the highlighter he needed before going back to his desk, convinced he probably stood up to search for it.

As he passed, he didn’t forgot to flicker Janik`s forehead, a scowled ``slacker-off`` passing his lips.

He sipped his lukewarm coffee, making sure everything was working the way it is supposed to, silently checking everybody around.

The cat meowed like a greeting, sitting obediently in the middle of his office, staring unblinkingly at him.

His hand, without much thought, added a loopy elegant cursive “Infinite” to the page in front of him.

It was entirely filled with that one name.  

He had a folder with pages of similar destiny.

The cat nuzzled his legs, sticky like always after a particular bad dream, like she knew something had happened and tried to comfort him.  

As he pet her, he almost could have swore he saw her grin by his peripheral vision.

He promised himself. Tomorrow he´ll sleep.

#Sucker #shadow the hedgehog #my writing #sonic the hedgehog #WIP #This bitch has me struggling.... #tw: violence #tw: body horror #I think? #I dont know #tw: horror #Once again I am lost about what to tag... #Platonic Sonadow #No but really I do need help with the tags and TW #I cant figure out what to put here to make this safe...

[steelycunt]

ridi hi ! yr like one of my biggest writing inspirations and im going to try writing r/s so i wanted to ask for a bit of advice (if you don't mind!!) how did you first sort of insert yourself into the fandom? ive never really written hp before and kinda don't know where to start (without feeling like some sort of imposter lol) thought id get yr opinion hope you don't feel pressured to answer tho <3

hi hi !! ahh fhdsfjds thats so lovely thank you so much!! thank u for this q, ill put my thoughts under the cut hope thats okay mwah <33

i was writing on ao3 for a fair bit of time b4 i was made this blog on here to post about my writing (i dont know if most people went in that order?? maybe??) but once i was on here i just found authors whose stuff i enjoyed on ao3 and who had mentioned they had a tumblr. i found honestly just interacting with people + their work n stuff was the easiest way to make friends!! n just messaging those people even though it was a bit terrifying. at the same time, though, when talking about hp specifically i think u've gotta keep in mind that its a massive space and also largely a cesspit lol...for that reason ive had no desire to get too involved in most of it aside from circles of people i know n trust and i would say, especially on the topic of interacting with people: be extra careful when you're following people, and also screen ur followers as best you can for terf shit and projkr shit and all of that.

as for the writing side! its way, way less daunting if you're just writing what you want honestly. i wrote things because there was stuff i wanted to read, and now i do it because i enjoy writing! and i think having any other motivation for doing it except that will result in it becoming a bit of a draining and joyless activity pretty quickly. don't worry about canon (esp when the source material is as shite and lazy as hp canon is anyway), don't worry about adhering to popular headcanons if they don't interest you...the imposter thing is tricky but also very very common and probably nearly everyone doing something creative + sharing it will feel like that to some extent? and if everyone feels like an imposter sometimes then i'd argue that nobody can really, genuinely be one, so don't worry abt it too much (again, writing for yourself rather than any other motivation will probably help with that a bit). and have fun writing babe that is really at the end of the day all there is to it like if ur enjoying urself then whatever u write will b brilliant n worth ur time <33 good luck !!

#i think the first person i EVER messaged on here was liv <3 i was so scared i was psyching myself up for ages to compose that message <3 #i was like what if this is the weirdest creepiest thing anyones ever done. what if i DIE #what if ive accidentally typed fuck you without realising. what if??? #hiii liv if u see this hi babs <333 #again i dont know ive really inserted myself into the fandom that much or if i even want to do that but i really think just in terms of #posting on HERE? just having some mutuals u love n trust literally that is all u need. and posting on ao3? just write what u want and share #however much of it you want!! ao3 is not a social media n its scary to think of it as posting stuff into the void but its a lot LESS scary #if you just think of it as a place where you're putting your works. like a portfolio like a document folder. #it is just a place for them to be kept <3 like a bookshelf! #telegram #anon

[mccnstruck]

CONGRATS ON PASSING YOUR FINALS I AM SO SO PROUD OF YOU <333

and omg dw about that ask they were long and draining to answer so i promise it’s alr

ahh nothing interesting here !! i also passed my finals but almost failed my math one (immense sobbing) so that’s that. but i am in a relationship now !! with my best friend actually. but that’s all. wbu? how’s it going? anything cool :D?

AWHHAHAHAH THANK YOU QUILL 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻

HEY YKW at least you passed your math final so IM GLAD YOU PASSED AS WELL !! vv proud of you <3

ok im gonna be so fr when i read the second part to that paragraph my jaw like disconnected from my mouth

HELLOOO??/?? THATS SO AMAZING I WISH YOU GUYS A VERY HAPPY RELATIONSHIP AHHHHH (although you did break the genshin guys’s heart /j /lh)

not much over here, a snowstorm hit us so now our heat in the house is gone 😞 but not much otherwise !! im glad you’re doing alright though <3 take care and dress warm if you live in a cold place !!

#[ in the heart of the forest ] #[ friend: tearsasmascara ]

[hyunjinspark]

ahh i’m in shambles.. felix is making me :(

he’s become so unrecognizable compared to who he was before this whole jealousy thing settled in. it’s honestly so heartbreaking to see unfold. he needs to get his emotions under control and think before he speaks. felix is causing so much damage without even realizing it and so is hana.

i get that they care about yn but the way they go about it is so uncalled for. the amount of criticism and assumptions they’re making are not it. i feel so drained for yn.. they need to give this poor bb a break.

thankfully hyunjin swoops in to save the day like the angel he is. he’s so cute and understanding, i can’t function. i have so much heart eyes for slwy hyunjin ♡ also extremely ecstatic that there was plenty of physical contact included in this chapter.. butterflies. butterflies. BUTTERFLIES. definitely a huge leap for hyun and yn’s relationship ;) can’t wait to see their relationship in full swing!

thank you for this chapter, it was such a serotonin boost! ❀

im sorry for hurting you :(( felix is definitely very different, or acting out and letting his emotions really get the best of him. he already did cause a lot of damage with the things he said to yn.

happy you liked the physical intimacy and the way their relationship is developing 🥺 slwy hyun is an angel indeed :(

#star lost with you

[moonsquaremars]

Saturn in 9th House

Since my last post got me on the topic of Saturn, I figured it deserved its own post. Personally, I don’t like Saturn all that much in astrology. The symbol is alright ♄ (I was honestly thinking of Jupiter’s at first which is much cooler (･_･;

:readmore:

(ﾟoﾟ;; but I digress. However, the themes of Saturn just do not appeal to me. Responsibility, rigidity… it just makes me think of a stern judge who passes judgment on others without compassionately understanding what they’re going through. I see it as faulty. Rigid, stiff, error prone but powerful enough to reap no consequence. Saturn gives us form, especially our entire earthly life. We get our Saturn return in our late 20s, which I am approaching. So far, I don’t quite understand what people complain about when it comes to Saturn returns, however I’m confident I’ve caught glimpses of it.

There is something to aging that is just uncomfortable and sad. And scary. However, Saturn being in the same sign as when I was born excites me rather than causes dread, cuz then wouldn’t that mean the world and I will be on the same page again?? I mean come on.

Aries. That is the sign with which one of the ring giants resided when I was born one morning in the summer of ninety-six. 9th house is its house. Don’t ask me degrees, cuz im not all into that. I suck at math. But my sun and moon are both at 0° which I find odd… Pluto too…. Anyways.

So my previous post talked about how Saturn in 9th folks like more orthodox and traditional religions, and that rings very true for me. I’ve always felt drawn towards Judaism, was a devout Mormon for a couple years, etc. Another issue of this placement is supposedly existential nihilism, which I’ve also suffered from greatly. I believe it was even enhanced, because my Sun (life, energy) tensely squares my Saturn, which I read can cause a depressive person. Which is also extremely true…

Maybe if I look at what transits were happening when I was 12, because that’s when I first began feeling depressed and suicidal. It was entirely because I was gay, and ashamed and afraid of the point of even living if I was damned to a life of mockery and eternal suffering afterwards. I was deeply depressed all throughout my teenage years because I honestly just grew comfortable with it. Once your brain is so serotonin and dopamine depleted, and you’ve been laying down for hours with absolutely no joy or stimulation whatsoever… you get kinda used to it. I was too scared to admit being depressed to friends and family, so I just dealt with it my own way. I fantasized about suicide often, wrote emo blog posts and journal entries. You know, the works. But I eventually got over it. But I attribute this to sun square Saturn, like Saturn was just draining and zapping the will to live out of me. I finally got over all of this during a church sermon one day, where the preacher of this architecturally lovely church said that perhaps misery is not something we need to run from or avoid, but a ship that must be set sail. And that really spoke to me. Like it gave my depression, my square, meaning and significance, rather than a fluke that needed to be avoided and corrected.

In my post high school life, I struggled to find meaning. I was constantly wondering what the point of everything was, in a way that was more frequent and emotionally taxing than the average guy or gal. Maybe, maybe not. Who knows. But I was unhappy. It’s interesting that Saturn in 9th could be what caused that.

For the Aries part of my Saturn, I have less to say. However, I am quite impulsive. I feel like I act more like my draconic sun and moon, sag and aquarius, than I do my natal cancer/virg at times. I’ve always been pretty rebellious as well, which I kind of interpret Saturn in Aries to represent. I’m not sure.

Aries was actually my least favorite sign for quite some time. I don’t exactly have a least favorite sign anymore, but if I had to choose, maybe Libra :P ahh got eem. No but seriously. It wasn’t until I grew close to my friend / former roommate who is an Aries, and had a romantic fling with an Aries or two, that I got over my Aries complex. It’s just like impulsive and childish and insensitive. But since I am a cancer, cancer and Aries naturally square each other apparently. So my feelings are in fact, understandable. Natural, perhaps….

Anyways. Those are my thoughts for now. Perhaps it’s the Aries in me, but the idea of growing up and becoming responsible just seems so sucky to me lol. But as I’m typing this I’m realizing that’s not necessarily the case. I’m turning 26 next month, so I’m not sure when my exact Saturn return will be. But I’ve felt the pang of Saturn a few times in my life. The existential realization that our actions have consequences. It doesn’t always matter what our intentions were, or that we didn’t know, or that somewhere someone loves us. None of that can save us from the hard fist of the law, or from the temperamental and violent nature of other humans. But I am 26, and I am officially no longer a kid or a teenager. I’m an adult. And I feel like I’ve gotten settled, and I’m just getting a peak of what is to come. And I’m less afraid than I was before :)

#saturn #saturn astrology #Saturn in Aries #Saturn return #9th house #saturn in 9th #Aries #astrology notes #astrology observations

[lostacelonnie]

Sorry this took a bit to get to time slipped right by & life happened a bit. Plus i got my first tattoo & thus couldn't use my right arm as well for a bit. Weather here has been like. Back & forth between rain/snow & mostly sunny so i can only blame the horrors. Oh good! Im glad its mostly easy stuff for you this month. Wait what? Thats all wild & im glad those teachers got fired for that. If only we were that regulatory of teachers in the states. A win win situation indeed. A carnival? That does sound like a lot of fun i gotta add that on my list of stuff to hopefully see one day. Yeah honestly! Like something about schools just. Is way different & can only be explained by school air. Thank you! I got sparkle decently quick which i needed her for her buffs so im glad. Those 30 free pulls from the anniversary will help my archeron gain i hope. Shame jingliu is in the same patch so ill have to wait for her again. One day clara will come to me. I hoped it would be on sparkle's banner but i got e1 gepard instead. I cant even reach gold & gears because the final boss of swarm disaster is still beating my ass i need better imaginary units. Or to work on ratio maybe he can deal with that damn boss duplicating itself. Oh talents are another thing i should focus on maxing for characters i just. Keep forgetting. Next patch we have triple drop coc & su planar ornaments which is gonna be nuts i cant wait to farm then. Ive played wendy's arc a bit more & like. Wow cocolia is awful what the hell. Worst mom of the year. Im excited for you to continue them both are so good. Oh thats what all that was about okay. Seele best girl always. Oh no worries take all the time you need to jot it down. Yeah some people get. Real intense about their us patriotism & its. Embarrassing. My condolences on losing such an impressive noita run. One day ill get into honkai part 2. But for now its a slow movement through part 1

ah very fair and apologies on my part as well!!! yknow how it is. same old same old. i was personally also Quite busy with our dear beloved school festival which drained me for like a solid week 😭😭 but it was SO worth it. im def helping with it next year as well. AND YOO TATTOO??? THATS AWESOME....... man i wanna get tattoos when im older (and piercings. i dont have a Single one i feel inferior to like all of my friends) but ive never really known what Of. and yeah same with the weather..... it was like. 9 celsius like two days ago and its 25 celsius today. Wild. and thankies!!! i Got Through it (with varying results tbh) but not anything to get me really down so we chillen. AND YEAH RIGHT???? our school is just generally a hotspot for strange individuals (both students and teachers) but its usually in the positive way. but ah what can you do. and yeahhhhh i heard it kinda sucks in the us. and same!!! ive heard a Lot of things about the carnivals in spain since theyre a pretty Big Thing and our teachers love to tell us about them so i actually ended up looking quite a bit forward to seeing one someday. if money allows for it, that is. AND GOD FOR REAL. school air my beloathed school air. OH CONGRATS ON THE SPARKLE!!! to be fully honest i do Not know what her kit is because i wasnt playing That much when her banner was up. or rather focused more on just going through penacony, both story- and exploration-wise. AND GOOD LUCK ON ACHERON!! i managed to get her, her lightcone, AND claras eidolon in like. a 100 pulls which is probs a new record for me. currently saving but i dont know who for yet SHJD. ill see if any future penacony chars interest me (ive been Thinking about boothill, or aventurine for clara) but if not then its gonna be either jingliu or topaz. and ahh good luck with getting them as well in the future!! GOD I HATE THE SWARM. I HATE THE SWARM SO MUCH. GAHHH. the most annoying enemies in the game by a MILE. but ah what can you do. oh yeah very real i always forget in genshin but luckily dont really have that problem in hsr. and yeah im Waiting for that triple drops for my acheron since rn she just has. Very scuffed temporary gear. but not gonna lie her damage is pretty good regardless. i think the mechanic with not needing energy to use her ult but stacks of That One Thing instead is very fun and interesting. brings a bit of spice into the gameplay. AND AHHH I HAVE VERY COMPLEX FEELINGS ABOUT COCOLIA shes a really interesting character imo. but thats revealed a bit more in the later arcs so i wont share too much hehehehe. tho yeah i agree she is Not a great mother. SEELE BEST GIRL ALWAYS!!!! and thankies!!! also yeah... but at least theres a lot of ways one can make fun of them. i literally cant stop saying "MY PRONOUNS ARE U/S/A" whenever i get a good mark on my english tests its just embedded in my vocab now. and have fun with honkai!!!!

#also had quite a bit of motivation for writing lately so. thats nice #asks #pen pals

[dianneslim]

Tribute to new CPAs speech,

July 03, 2023.

(Blog bc im proud of this and it was a full circle moment 🙆🏽‍♀️)

I do not know what is so special about me that Miss Uy asked me to deliver this speech. I'm not the most brilliant in our batch, I never topped the pre-boards during my review with PRTC, let alone top the board exam. But she said "We want someone, a representative from USJR and kana nasad dili topnotcher" ahh to represent us, kanang confidence lang ang puhonan (hahaha) And also I think she knows na baga lang jud kog nawng. And true enough, confidence, I must say, is one big contributing factor that got me here. Because I have always felt that when you believe in yourself you'll be able to be so much more that what you aspired to be. However, in my case, my confidence “powers” doesn't only come from within. I owe it to the people around me who believed in me.

Allow me to take this moment to thank the people who has been with me to reach this remarkable point of my life.

First and foremost, to my family for they are the one who has always been there for me since day 1, thank you for the unwavering love and support, as always.

I'd also like to thank my batchmates, classmates and dear friends who have given me memories to hold until I grow old. Without you, my BSA journey wouldnt be as splendid as it was.

As someone who has been with the university for 16 wonderful years, you have given me some of my loudest cheers. I owe it to my USJR grade school, high school, and college josenian teachers and educators, faculty, and staff, who have molded me to be who I am today.

And of course, I'd also like to give a 100-star review to the USJR CPA Review center, that has always been amazing as ever. Headed by Miss Kristine June Uy, and his number 2, Sir Jekris, and to the dynamic staff Joyce, Fred, Pau, Ava, Sandra, and Mae, with special participation of Sir Amps and Kuya Nelson. In behalf of the Team PRTC Batch May 2023 & USJR Integrated Batch Adamas, we would like to sincerely thank you for everything that you do for the integrated students and for the reviewees. For staying with us in our 7am-9pm integrated and review classes, for sacrificing your holidays and weekends just to cater us. For providing us a review center that we can call our home. Because basically we're at the CPA library or at the rooms 12 or more hours a day and you have always made sure that we were provided with the facilities that we need. Can we all give them a round of applause???

And lastly, to my one and only God who have always been blessing me from above. From undergrad, to integrated class, up to my review, everytime i'd fear that I may fail, I would always remind myself that there is a God who will save me. He has saved us once, and he will save us once more, time and time again. His saving may come in a different form, even in forms that we least expect and in forms that we may not understand for now, but I trust that his saving grace will push me back up again and make me go on.

Without all of these people, I literally wouldn't have done it. Because they believed in me, that made me believed in myself.

Oftentimes during my review, inevitebly, I doubted that I may even pass the CPALE and I said to one of my most favorite teachers "Sir, kung magkinaunsa, i congrats gyapon ko ha for taking the exam" and he said one of the most memorable things that anyone has ever said to me, he told me (verbatim ha) "Dianne, just so you know, I believe in you. And at the very least I'd say, congrats for passing the exam." People who know me must know that I'm not used to people saying those kind of cheesy stuff to me but at that moment, I believed him and that helped me in so many ways to carry on with my review and even in the most draining days that I dont feel like studying, I'd remember those words.

Today my friends, I'd just like to put it out there that I do believe in you, I really do. I believe that you're gonna reach the cut-off grades, that you're gonna pass every qualifying exam, to Batch Edeosa — that you're gonna get through the integrated class, and ultimately, I believe that you will be a CPA. And to my co-CPAs, I do believe that you're gonna make it life. (And when you do, ay kog kalimti ha, Dianne Lim) Im not even gonna sugarcoat it, but brace yourselves because from now on it's gonna be tougher. Even to us CPAs, it's gonna be tougher than ever. But my prayers always always have been that may we have the courage to face whatever is to come, and i pray that we may have the strength to endure it all. I'd like to leave you with this thought "have a little faith because If you have come this far, then there must be something special in you."

Thank you everyone and Adelante!

[bunnyhoney111]

also!!! pretty sure im in love with my best friend? very confusing, very sapphic, very draining!! but oh well

- 🫶🏼

ahh, well clearly i love a good best friends to lovers around here. does she know? or like is she into women?

#bunny tells! #bunny loves 🫶 anon

[harryhandstan]

HELLOOOOOO LINDSEY!!!!!!!

its been such a long long long time i doubt you even remember me. i missed youuuu!! sosososo much!!! i forgot what its like being on tumblr

how have you been?? im sorry that i was gone for a while :((

- 🧸

hi angel!! OF COURSE I remember you and I was actually just thinking of you the other day and wondering how you were 😊 there’s never ANY pressure to be here if you don’t want to be but you’ve definitely been missed!!

ahh bestie I truly feel like a lifetime has passed since we’ve talked. I’m doing okay though! I had a very traumatic physical injury in December where I was kicked by a horse and basically broke my back. Recovery has been a bit insane and mentally draining most times but I’ve made so much progress and I’m doing much better now! the injury did cause me to develop arthritis too, but I’m on medication for that and also increased my vitamin d and calcium intake, which is supposed to help.

other than that I’ve just been working on helping my mom find a place that she, my sister, our dogs and I can move into together!

how are you bub? what did I miss with you? if you want to tell me, of course!! and also please don’t feel like you have to apologize at all, my blog isn’t going anywhere and you know you’re always welcome to visit. I just hope you’ve been taking care of yourself!!

I love you btw and always feel so honored to receive a message from you 🩷 thank you for thinking enough of me to check in whenever you can!

#ask me stuff #anon #answered #🧸

[rrxnjun]

HIIII i’m back <3 kinda, just have one more exam and i’m done hh i can’t wait to take a break from living the exam season’s special ultra hermit life 

AHHH i love looking for alaska sm ?? one of the best books i’ve ever read gosh and turtles all the way down was so raw and personal it took me sooo manyyy business days to recover from that one. AND YESS dystopian is one of the lomls  

OML YOU’RE GETTING INTO EXO yes they are just good, hard to skip, literally run on -34853 braincells etc etc. love them sm. ahjfg i literally check out baekhyun screaming compilations on youtube i’m SO not normal ab them. check this one out it hhh and this playboy is like one of those songs for me so that video made me go *SCREAMMMMMMMS INTO PILLOWW* 

your bias is baekhyun and chanyeol AHHH 2/3 of the beagle line alr they’re not even the maknaes or anything but they’re so chaotic. literally every reality show they’ve been in so far is just them doing their thing and suho trying to get shit under control. OML AND SEHUN ?? is that a thing for aries men pattern i see lmao man is so sassy, has like the most iconic lines to rap andd is so memeable (NOT EVEN KIDDING HIS MEMES ARE USED SM IN KPOP FANDOMS)  

also check out exo next door !! i saw it back when i was trying to get to know them better and it kinda helped bc IT’S LEGIT A KDRAMA WITH THEM BEING EXO. there’s like no plot and it’s just brainless romance w chanyeol as ml,  kyungsoo as second ml and moon ga young as fl (typical love triangle no surprises kk) but it’s funny and i think you need to know ab this hehe (baekhyun on top sehun in the bottom and ykw that’s the got to be the weirdest thing i’ve typed out BYE)

YKJDF kyungsoo is funny when he’s not being a violent little dude 😭😭 so attractive tho. he’s the loml. period. 

NAURR you missed prom ahh pandemic era was so bad. literally the worst. fun fact: my batch missed a v important set of final exams bc of covid jj but i’ll be writing it this year (2023) so it’s not like i’m missing anything 🤧 oh new uni?? IN A NEW PLACE AHHH i’m so proud of you bar <3 moving to a new place for uni sounds so hard i hope you settle down soon. AGHHHHHH i’m of 0 help when it comes to social interactions 😭😭 but !! i can listen.     

no bc one of the first few thoughts that entered my brain after watching the yangynag cover was hjhk idt he knows how to play it tho lmao it’s like how ncit and that nct coding crew thing happened but they idt they actually code kfjg 

also thoughts on 2 baddies NGL I FIND THE NAME 2 BADDIES HILARIOUS FOR SM REASON LIKE 2?? BADDIES?? REALLY ?? catchy song tho i haven’t checked the album yet hh 

DONT GET ME STARTED ON THE DREAM CONCERT LIKE ID NEED AN AMBULANCE IF THEY DID SHIT LIKE THAT WATCHING ON A DUCKING SCREEN MADE ME GO KJFDGHDJKDFGH IMAGINE WATCHING IT LIVE OKAY THIS JUST FUELLED THE URGE TO SEE THEM LIVE I WANNA SEE THEM LIVE SO BAD AND DEAR DREAM :(((

andjenonyfwjusthappenedkfj “our jeno baby went to new york totally naked” so true jaemin (not complaining tho)

ily too stay safe <33 gosh i hope the move wasn’t too hard <3 just so you know i'm here if you need to vent

hello!!! im so sorry for replying late but i was at uni very very drained of all time and energy :( and when i finally opened this and went to answer, tumblr decided to crash when i was ending my answer so i lost all of it and it was very late in the evening and i had driving class the next morning so i just went to sleep DKFJAL hope you dont mind! also im hoping exam season is officially over for you and that you get to rest!!!!!

HELL YEAH IM GETTING INTO EXO (well, as much as i can w my schedule rn hahaha) I WATCHED BOTH OF THESE VIDEOS AND WHY DO I KNOW PLAYBOY? I KNOW MORE EXO SONGS THAN I THOUGHT I DID LMAO also baek screaming is a big fat mood i am like that too. him and chanyeol are so chaotic i lowkey think thats why i love them so much they just own my heart with their chaos <33 A THING FOR ARIES MEN IM SCREECHING to be honest i actually have a thing for fire and air signs in general (mainly leos, sagittariuses, aquariuses and geminis lmaoo) and none of my biases are earth/water signs if i dont count baek, ningning and beomgyu LOL but SEHUN IS SO MEMORABLE and i love his raps. i listened to the exo-sc album when it came out and its stuck in my head 24/7 and for some reason every time im driving, 1 billion views always gets stuck in my head LMAO

ill make sure to check out exo next door when i have the time and energy!! also the screenshot is so random WHY DID YOU THINK OF SENDING ME THIS DFJKDAL NOT SAYING I HATE IT BC I DONT BUT WHAT EVEN IS THAT AND WHY ARE THEY LIKE THAT DKFA

yes i missed prom but it was actually a good thing bc i hated my class lmaoooo. also yea! i moved last sunday,,, cried for three days straight and then when i came home yesterday i cried again. uni is so hard and im so lost and lonely and homesick and i hate everything about it. i wish i could come back home but,, i just gotta battle through it for the next approx. 3-5 years :DD

YANGYANG FOR SURE DOESNT KNOW HOW TO PLAY THE GUITAR HE LEGIT WASNT EVEN PRESSING DOWN THE STRINGS. INAAWSIA YY CANT RELATE...... /j also the ncit coding thing was so wild for me for some reason bc you could SEE that they dk what theyre doing. the only person that could have some clue was jungwoo but....i doubt it LMAO but also hyuck in those concept photos...............still thinking abt him tied up in those cords on the floor w that bloody lollipop in his mouth im-

2 baddies is the catchiest song there exists the title makes me crack the fuck up its so funny DJFKLA i love it tho!!!!! havent checked out the whole album yet but designer's been on repeat its so good!!!! if you listened already, tell me your faves and ill make sure to get to it soon so we can talk abt it :pp

THE DREAM CONCERT AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA RENJUN IN THAT GLASS BOX? HYUCK? DEATH. I WANNA SEE THEM LIVE SO BAD AS WELL BUT >:( *cries in broke european*

also jaemin sending that message on bubble im crying TT he really clowned him for looking so good !!

the move indeed was harder than i expected. going back tomorrow (i come home every weekend:p) and i hate the thought already. its been...a wild ride but im going to a party on tuesday so i hope to make some friends or just to generally have some fun haha

i love you, hope life is gentle to you! be safe, stay healthy, have fun!! thanks for sending this and make sure to tell me how you are and whats new when you have time! xx

#💌ask #ni 🌱