#No but really I do need help with the tags and TW

[loudlypanickinginvenezolano]

I am a Sucker [For you.]

I just need somebody to make sure he is all right, someone to know, to check subtly without getting anyone alarmed or making things worse. I don’t think just anyone can.”

“That`s a bold statement. Many would have your head for it.”

Shadow arched an eyebrow, giving a smile that wasn’t a smile. “I don’t care, Espio. I could care less if it is politically incorrect or if it hurts somebody`s sensibilities, It doesn’t make it any less true. I think you know it”

“Whoever thought that letting you be one of ours spokespersons would be a good idea really needs their head checked.”

“Maybe so. But I know I’m right, so what is there for me to be afraid of, uh? If a direct approach or a subtle one doesn’t make any progress then what other option there truly is? Because I can’t see other one. Do I have to let him self-destruct right in front of us? I pass. I can’t let that happen. And if I can’t be that person, I need to know there is someone in the known, looking out for him. i… want to…to not distrust you, to, to believe you can be that person I can’t be anymore.”

“Very well. Just. Stop. Im starting to get stomach sick. Ahh, I do admit you have a bit of sense. Just a bit, though, don’t rub it.”

“So you will help?”

“Will you let me drink my tea in peace if I say no? of course I will. ”He took a sip, and grimaced. It was long gone cold. “Sonic is also my friend, you know?”

“I do.” Shadow finally relaxed completely on his chair, tension bleeding out so obviously Espio couldn’t help but sigh.

“You are into something problematic, aren’t you?”

The sad stare he got answered everything.

Espio breathed in deeply and slowly, staring into his cup before draining it entirety, snorting to himself at the text at the bottom of the cup. He left it aside, reaching up to offer a hand to Shadow. “You know that you can count on me when you need it, Shadow. Anytime. I care for my friends.”

The ebony took it, softly pressing his forehead into it. He didn’t say or do anything else, and neither did Espio. They stood in silence, letting it speak for them.

``I don’t think your promise will held out when shit hits the fan`` Shadow thought, swallowing. ``But hell if I don’t wish to lie to myself, and believe you will be there.``

Espio took his hand back, and was about to say something when the unexpected appearance of a cat startled him into almost biting his tongue.

The feline jumped in from the window, sashaying its way inside calmly enough to envy.

“You also should be going to sleep, you know?” The dark hero squinted. “Its late, and, if a single cat is enough to get you in this state, maybe the better would be for you to go rest, Espio.”

“…Are you…Uh. You do remember you picked one of the highest, advantageous point’s available, right?”

“…and your point is?”

“…It shouldn’t be possible for a simple cat to just casually jump here. I would know, I checked that!”

“Well, but. Uh. Maybe you missed something?”

“Are you doubting me?”

“oh no, nothing like that. I just.” He shrugged, again, dragging a hand through his face. He was too tired to be eloquent. “She has come by many times already, look, she even has a spot and water and shit. I am used to seeing her here, so, If you say it is hard and high, then how comes she gets here so casually, as you say, every other night? Maybe…I don’t know. there`s a way. Maybe she just grew here, and knows this place a tad better?”  

“…It’s a cat.”

“Well yes, I noticed but.  Maybe she’s smart. Who knows.”

“Again. It’s a cat.”

“Weren’t you the one who said he wasn’t going to underestimate his enemies?”

“I am so not having this conversation with you.” He glared at the cat as if she had personally scratched his socks to tatters before leaving, and just once he was entirely sure Espio was gone, he pulled out his recently hidden folder.

Where he could swear his notes about the review of the watchtowers of the north once sat, now only one word repeated itself like some broken chant. ``Coming`` was wrote over and over, mockingly, almost, in nothing more than his own handwriting, something that he had no recollection of ever doing.

Where was his work?

He had spent hours and hours on that!

He glared at the paper for a while, until his eyes and head stung, until the entire world was tilting off its axis as black spots appeared on his vision, confusing him, rendering him almost blind.

The paper crinkled between his fingers, being roughly slammed down into the desk.

He stifled, forcefully, a pained grunt, huffed breaths being the only sound in the office for a while.

The cat looked on, curiously.

Closing and rubbing his eyes proved of being of no help, as he could see the floor starting to sink in the farthest corner, right where it meet with the wall, giving under the pressure, under its burden, bending at impossible angles just like him, just like them, and leaving him almost weightless in that chair he knew he was sitting in, but couldn’t feel anymore.

He was floating.

At least, that was what it felt like.

He was floating in a room slowly consumed by the dark spots, once small and insignificant …now similar to the way a black hole worked, sucking in all light and everything that stood on their way, growing and growing in size, getting closer, making their slow way to him to consume him too.

To rip him apart piece by piece, stretching him until his joints and muscles snapped out of place, and his limbs and bones were teared from his torso as they pulled in different directions, fighting for his every bit, finishing him quicker than what he could attempt to heal.

He just knew that was what they wanted, that was their ultimate goal.

They were whispering to him, talking about their greed and insatiable hunger, eternal void.

Fuck.

He couldn’t move. 

Shadow groaned loudly, uncaring, numb to this particular if not familiar motion, hit by a sudden but all the same debilitating nausea that wouldn’t let him feel his legs.

It stung.

Everything.

Another groan, a loud crack and jostle, and then pin and needles were working up and down his arms and back, painfully incrusting themselves, sinking deep into his tissue and reaching his bone marrow, gloating at the first taste of blood, at getting to him first and being oh so useful Locking him in position, melting, sizzling and singeing his skin and fur, snaking to his shoulders, and neck, and finally head, biting him hungrily all the while no matter how much he growled, how much he fought to squirm, shake, or hiss. They had only one objective.

Something was wrong.

Maybe everything?

The tables were crumbling, his books were falling to the ground, the room was dimming and dimming as darkness took over. Hell.

Even the tapestry that hung behind him was starting to swirl over itself, the contents twisting into a spiral he could not make sense of.

Shadow curled over himself, or tried to, fighting to make his body obey him as he pressed his hands into his ears, mouth open in a pained scream he could not hear. It was too much.

The sizzling of the dark spots, the whispering voices behind him, the humming of his own complaining body, and the beats of his heart, the creaking of the room that was starting to crumble too, falling apart with dry hits or splintering wood.

With everything as it was, it can probably be forgiven it took him a while to realize the words twisting within the spiral.

Blood was steadily dripping into his shoulders, but it was okay.

Shadow could take pain.

He didn’t have to worry about sound anymore, so it was worth it.

Was it truly?

He didn’t know.

He just wanted it all to stop.

“Aren’t you tired?”

…He kind of was.

Is it of life?

Do you call this life?

Colored words, repeating themselves over and over like madness creeping in, vomiting out of the tapestry Shadow used to love, taking the darkened room under their control, filing everything that remained like macabre pointillism.

His breath stuttered, but he couldn’t move at all.

the binding held strong, holding him put and there was someone coming in.

``Aren’t you tired? `` was read on the wall.

``Don’t you want to rest? `` was crawling after him.

``Arent you in pain?`` made home in his desk.

On his screen, the videotape of the security reel turned off one by one without him doing something, and the presence behind his chair kept getting closer.

The remaining operative screen showed the Word Document he had been working on, the letters dancing away as they reorganized themselves but he could hardly pay attention.

“Isn’t it late?” Said a chipped, distorted voice, almost as if coming from underwater.

Maybe it was…

For you?

Or for him?

``Why don’t you close your eyes?``

``Why don’t you relax?``

`` I will keep guard for you…``

“Go the fuck to sleep.”

The being jerked his chair aside, roughly pressing against his throat.

Shadow tried to kick, but his legs had been withered long ago.

He chocked, blood tricking down his cheeks and ears, unfocused eyes bulging out.

His neck snapped.

His body slumped, unsupported. 

Shadow almost fell to the ground, blinking and standing startled in the middle of his office, Watchtower of the North`s reports In hand.

That’s… probably one of the reasons he doesn’t sleep.

His ears were ringing, his breath was unsteady.

It hurt.  

It was too much.

There was no one in the room with him.

He was alone. He…

Shadow growled.

“Too much caffeine is bad for your health, they say, uh… Either that, or you are truly a dewdropper at work.” He gave the lilac flowers at his side a narrowed stare.

Lilac flowers:… I am being wrongly accused, sir.

Shadow sighed, rubbing his aching eyes with a hand. He picked up the highlighter he needed before going back to his desk, convinced he probably stood up to search for it.

As he passed, he didn’t forgot to flicker Janik`s forehead, a scowled ``slacker-off`` passing his lips.

He sipped his lukewarm coffee, making sure everything was working the way it is supposed to, silently checking everybody around.

The cat meowed like a greeting, sitting obediently in the middle of his office, staring unblinkingly at him.

His hand, without much thought, added a loopy elegant cursive “Infinite” to the page in front of him.

It was entirely filled with that one name.  

He had a folder with pages of similar destiny.

The cat nuzzled his legs, sticky like always after a particular bad dream, like she knew something had happened and tried to comfort him.  

As he pet her, he almost could have swore he saw her grin by his peripheral vision.

He promised himself. Tomorrow he´ll sleep.

#Sucker #shadow the hedgehog #my writing #sonic the hedgehog #WIP #This bitch has me struggling.... #tw: violence #tw: body horror #I think? #I dont know #tw: horror #Once again I am lost about what to tag... #Platonic Sonadow #No but really I do need help with the tags and TW #I cant figure out what to put here to make this safe...

[dullweapons]

uhhh ray in a wheelchair cause i’m thinking about getting one for myself cause my cane is not enough

#⸻ ray : visage ✦ rusted cracked & broken : but still standing ˎˊ˗ #⸻ ooc : artwork ✦ madness takes the paintbrush & sings ˎˊ˗ #uh little vent in tags tw #( i haven’t left my house since my birthday - and before that was only for doctor appointments in months ) #( but i have used the scooter at walmart when i did go out and they made me so happy to be independent) #( as well as the wheelchair in the ER i could move without fear of falling ) #( i really want to go outside so imma see about getting one ?? ) #( probably just a cheap hospital one at a thrift store near me ) #( idk if i wanna bother with in insurance ? ) #( i am trying to get a walker through them and it’s taking forever to the point i need MORE ) #( i am doing physical therapy which helps but also my legs are so weak i can’t even go down my stairs on my own :/ ) #( imma ask my PT therapist and my doctor but who knows ? ) #( anyway vent over enjoy ray being a dumbass )

[torchickentacos]

anyways. having fun with the album project thing I mentioned. Using the flat small brush from here for krita. One brush only, no undo button, all done on 1/54th of a 1.5k x 1k canvas. it's actually pretty therapeutic, I listen to the album I'm drawing while I draw it. This does mean that for AM I got to like. track 2 though and most of that was bc of formatting issues lol.

#vent in tags though bc i need. somewhere that isn't yet another 4:30 am vent google doc. too many of those and they're not helping #i don't want to talk but i don't want to be fully alone right now but i can't just spring this on someone in dms either so . tags it is #tw death. like really not a fun time over on torchickentacos dot tumblr dot com right now. genuine warning here #but i'm not doing well and i need this right now. anyways told my therapist i feel like i should be more okay right now than I am #and he was like. you. think you should be MORE okay after someone you knew died? #like. ah. hm. i see. now. how that might not be rational thinking. #i mean in my brain it was like. okay we're approaching day three and i haven't reached back out to my other irls #and i'm awake at 4 am #and i feel like need to pull it together because other people need me for stuff #and like. this happened before but harder. i should KNOW that there's no way to expedite this #because unfortunately I've been through this before!!! people make that choice to leave and it sucks and that's that! #like i KNOW how hard this is especially since it's a very personal topic. #but i'm still trying to rush myself here #it stresses me out to think that I'm not there enough for myself to be there for other people right now #sigh. i wonder how much of it's because i feel like i should have been there for those friends more even though it's irrational. #because that's genuinely not how it fucking works and I KNOW THAT PERSONALLY yet I still put that on myself. #people can have all the support they need and still choose to not take it. and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. #well. tomorrow i return to socializing and being a human person again #little bit at a time.

[be-gay-do-crime-ahaha]

Holy fucking shit the dysphoria is dysphoria-ing right now. I feel physically nauseous oh my fucking god. I’m gonna fucking kill someone maybe myself rn I’m gonna lose my shit holy hell.

Doesn’t help that I’ve been incredibly overstimulated the past few days every sound is like a fucking cheese grater in my ears oh my god.

#dysphoria #gender dysphoria #sensory processing disorder #tw emetophobia #for the nausea mention #idk if that’s needed or not #but yeah I’m about to tear off my fucking skin and jump off a building I am losing my fucking mind #it’s so over #lmao my brain is fucked i genuinely wanna off myself over this shit #and my mother keeps refusing to even entertain the idea of getting my name changed on the school role #even though all my teachers and friends call me Alex and that’s what I’ve been going by for a few years now #and it would make things significantly easier for everyone because it would fix my email name as well #so that’s not helping #and she was talking about my period and being all “it’s okay all WOMEN get these ❤️ you’re just becoming a beautiful woman #and now she keep being rude to my sister because she uses men’s deodorant (because it works better) and doesn’t really wear dresses #(because she finds them annoying and inconvenient) #and is being all “hurr durr you’re copying your SISTER stop being so masculine” #like fucking hell #shit talking me and harassing my sister all at once #man I want to fucking kill myself im so done with this shit #and I’m so overdue on school work and I feel so overwhelmed and stressed this fucking sucks #and I know the school work and stuff is fully my fault for forgetting and slacking off but I can’t bring myself to do them because the #stress of fucking up and just how much of it I have to do is pushing me to my damn limit #I can’t even bring myself to start on my film and media assignment that’s a week overdue because I’m so fucking stressed just thinking about #it and I’m so overwhelmed I can’t fucking do this. I just can’t. and I know I’m at fault for procrastinating and being too lazy and stressed #to bring myself to start working on it #and things are just gonna get more and more difficult #so yeah. rant over I guess. sorry guys #did not mean to rant in the tags this much dysphoria is just killing me and so is general stress #tw suicidal thoughts

[vesper-specter]

My daily life goes from “im relapsing so hard and going to never recover” one night, sleeping, and waking up with “new minecraft wolves go brrr” the next

#how do I tell my therapist that I really fucked myself back up again but it’s fine cuz I’m over it by now :) #not physical injuries it’s fine #I hate venting but I’ve eaten my tongue so much I have to do something #writing isn’t helping much and everyday I go back into this same cycle #vent tag #tw self destructive behavior #self destructive behavior #and I’m always so nauseous it just makes me feel worse #and and my bones ache all the time esp with my new bus seat #even worse when I try and bring up how much pain I’m in it’s always met by ‘ur fault for being lazy for 3 yrs. go outside more. do something #as if I’m not up at 4 every morning and going all fucking day #I need a women to snap my neck. that’d fix me I think #this got worse as I’ve kept typing. sorry

[whentherewerebicycles]

wedding was wonderful but I’m very happy to be curled up in bed with the dogs now listening to the rain and finishing a novel. I give myself full permission to be a hermit all afternoon and then I think I’ll hang out and cook with my sister tonight. tomorrow I get bloodwork done in the morning and then will probably have a busy social day with liz + sam which is good as it’ll prevent me from being glued to my phone waiting for the results. at this point I don’t even know how to feel. I’ve read enough journal articles and forum posts to know that the odds are against me but that there is a small chance I’ll be one of the lucky ones whose body just follows a different course than your average pregnancy. I’m expecting to learn that I’m going to miscarry but obviously hoping against hope that I don’t… and also hoping, in a more clear-eyed realist sort of way, that if it has to happen it’s via miscarriage rather than an ectopic pregnancy, and that the process itself doesn’t take too long (so I can start again this summer instead of having to wait weeks or months). but ah well—I need to settle back into waiting mode, as I probably won’t get the test results back until tuesday morning and can’t change anything or make anything happen by obsessively googling in the meantime.

#I think I’m going to switch doctors too if this one doesn’t stick #IUI tag #tw miscarriage #I feel like I’m just having to constantly bug her to make changes to our approach #and I don’t really have a ton of confidence in her to adjust her approach or even notice when it needs to be adjusted #like my thyroid levels jumped a ton since we last tested which ups the risk of early MC #and she didn’t even notice? I had to show her the jump on my lab results #and then had to follow up three times to get her to prescribe the medication #and when I pushed for an IUI at 36-48 hours instead of 24 #which seems to be what multiple studies suggest is most effective #she was kinda resistant and then was like well it doesn’t matter bc the sperm will be there waiting for 4-5 days #and I was like no that’s with fresh sperm. the research indicates frozen donor sperm only lives 12-24 hours max maybe less #and then the first time we did a 36 hour cycle I got pregnant 🙄 #and then this week I asked for a progesterone test or supplements #and she was like we would never do that for an IUI that’s for IVF only #and I was like that’s just not true! like the research seems to be slightly mixed on how much it helps but most clinics I’ve looked at #list it as a fairly standard part of their IUI cycle protocol #idk!!! just not feeling super confident in her and also I feel like she gets annoyed with me when I’m just trying to like #understand the medical reasoning behind stuff instead of just doing what I’m told #bleh #whatever #I just want someone to blame but I think even setting that aside #there have been enough frustrations that I might just switch anyway

[sadieshavingsex]

me after a fight with my so: yeah sorry for fucking up your life I deserve to die. Sorry sorry sorry sorry I’m such a bad person and I hate myself I never should have said that sorry I fucking need to die sorry sorry sorry

#mine #bpd #I feel like I just have this never ending stream of like I should die I deserve to die I’ll never be good again I should never have argued #I should never have fought etc etc #I say really mean shit I need to get help and I do suck #I will tag this #tw suicide #I guess!!! because it kinda is #I never tag tws but this one feels obvious #it’s bad to end an argument with I wish I were dead but I feel like I just start to have no filter out of anger and exhaustion #and I do just wish I would die and leave this world!!! sometimes #I feel like SHIT! #ruin everything #etc

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

...

#tw suicide #tw suicidal ideation #tw sh #you have been warned by those tw btw. really you need to be warned. #puddleglum hours #are we under the cut yet? #let me add just one more tag to make sure absolutely sure that the next one is under the cut bc those tw are needed for sure #that was definitely the closest ive ever got to actual suicide. #literally holding a knife #only then i threw it onto the kitchen bench instead of using it for that and fled the room and turned out hte lights #and a part of me still wishes i had #God help me #i know it would have been wrong. #but then! is not starving? is not self-harming? #is not self-loathing itself? #yet how do i stop them? #the easiest and most obvious way is final and a coward's way out #am i not the coward of all cowards though #even considering such an option #already fool enough to take a knife to my own skin #would it not serve me right if somebody notices on sunday and figures it out #because if they all remain visible by then (as they may or may not) it will be all too obvious if anyone notices them at all. that they are #deliberate #and what triggered me? for why did i? #i know not. i know some things but put together they are paltry and meaningless #and yet i remeber comparatively little from this afternoon #in detail i mean. i have a general vaguepicture of the afternoon but very few specifics

[sage-is-in-fact-very-tired]

apologies for the rant vent whatever this is, I'm just a little guy with worbs and thoughts and feelings who needs to say them

(I would write this on my own, but I need to put it into the world, so. apologies.)

okay no its. I don't get it. why the fuck can't I just. complain about when my leg hurts. if I get asked to do something that. is going to hurt to do why the fuck can't I say it? why the fuck are you angry at me for saying it?? I get i cant fuckin do it, believe me id love to if it means you don't constantly tell me that i dont fuckin do anything anymore (beleive me. I know.) Would you fuckin prefer I didn't say a fuckin word and just sat in silence and when it eventually came crashing down oh I'd be the one to blame cause I didn't fuckin say anything. Would that be preferred? Cause I'd actually not like to be in pain right now. (And I get you're trying to help figure it out and i get were trying to get it fixed or not hurting as much but me telling you it hurts is your sign it *hurts* and sometimes it hurt just to stand and you just need to take that as it is. My legs hurt all the time now. I can't do everything I could even a few months ago when it was in bursts every so often.)

And I get you're in pain to, and that your knees buckle too and that you can still do things despite that, but I'm not fuckin you. I'm not. Used to this. You've been going through this for years longer than I have. It's not right to compare us. Just because I'm younger and should be 'able to handle the pain' better doesn't fuckin mean I *can* (and that's fukcin stupid anyway, you know? what the fuck do you mean handle it better? I've been suffering in silence for fuckin years at this point when it hurt really bad, and I couldn't handle it fuckin then. I was younger then to? your logic of that doesn't fuckin. make sense.)

I just. I know we're trying to figure it out. But I need you to understand that I'm in pain. And that it hurts to do a lot of things that require my legs right now. And yes I can do them, but maybe you need to consider I sit in one chair for over an hour right beofre I leave school. And that makes it worse. and taht after school I just wnat to fuckin sit and not do anything (because that makes it feel moderately better) and I understand that one day we'll figure it out and that until then you're not going to get that it hurts. bad. and that I honestly feel like I'm gonna fall over sometimes. I get that. I just hope you'd listen when I tell you how I feel. and maybe that's hard because I'm still a kid and shouldn't feel like this, or that you just see this as an excuse to get out of things, or yada yada yada. but I hope eventually you *will* and I dont have to feel like shit everytime I tell you "hey my legs hurt" but right nows not then.

I just. I wnat you to hear me and listen to me when I say it. Okay? I don't want the excuse of how you're in pain to and you still do things and you're older and shouldn't have as high as a pain tolerance as me. I don't fucking care, actually. I'm in fuckin pain, you're more used to it, and I'm fucking allowed to complain when it hurts and I feel like I can't do something, for fucks sake.

(I still love you, and I know you're trying your best and I'm sure I just seem like a kid you wants to get out of doing things. but I'm not. and I hope you see that soon.)

#tw rant #tw vent #i just. #apologies for this but im just having to many thoughts about it. #very nuetral not really but kinda angry thoughts #and i needed to say them now and not in and hour or else ill explode #i apologize again but fuck #if you do read this im very sorry if its incoherent #i was just wroting things and seeing where it got me and if i got me to feel better by the end of it #i do. just. yeah. #better now that i said my peice and came to an almost understanding (internally) with who i was talking about #theyre good people and if i shined them in a bad light thats my fault. its happened only a handful of times on the past 2½ months #im just an emotional little guy right now <3 #but im feeling good now!! #so if youre worried. this isnt anything like. really bad. #just bout my leg 'n shit- #but its working itself out #so #a tag to help find my own posts

[canon-fcdder]

(( Just talking - I’d consider it positive-ish, but I’ll hide it so people don’t have to See It )) 

(( Depression and IRL: *has hands* )) 

(( My Energy Levels: *do not* )) 

(( BUT I really want to Not not do all the things I’ve been putting off for A Long Time— one of which is going through my Discord and Tunglr messages because holy FUCK they’ve been there for a while and they’ve piled up and the anxiety is Not Vibing with that; Side Note: I’m really sorry and I understand if it’s been Too Long but tomorrow I’m going to start combing through them because I have 180+ and it’s... yeah, i Need to fix that —so to try and break past this wall of ‘too many things and unable to Do the things’, I decided to start with something smol and Fun to relax and get my mind prepared for Tomorrow )) 

(( Anyway TLDR: I started rewatching LMK because I want to work my way up to the New Stuff... Red Son said the word ‘ Robit ’ and I felt my heart explode but in a good way lmao )) 

#negative tw #vent tw #(( tagging just in case )) #canon-fcdder #⭒ ˙ ˖ ✧ — ˗ˏˋ ❝ ᴇᴠᴇʀʏ ᴅᴀʏ ʏᴏᴜ ꜰɪɢʜᴛ; ʟɪᴋᴇ ʏᴏᴜ'ʀᴇ ʀᴜɴɴɪɴɢ ᴏᴜᴛ ᴏꜰ ᴛɪᴍᴇ ❞ ¦ 「 OOC 」 #(( just putting this down so i have it to Remind me and be a bit of a Kick to DO the things )) #(( there are so many things i need/want to do and i feel Really bad for not doing it )) #(( especially the social interaction ones because like- the longer i take the Harder it is and i cant keep putting it off because it's not- #-helping Anyone. and it's like- its not fun to feel anxious about talking to FRIENDS like wtf )) #(( there shouldnt be any reason to be but try telling that to my Nerves *flips over a table* fuk anxiety and fuk this i Miss people and- #-i will get that number down to 0 damnit ))

[tinybwaby]

#sorry i haven't been on lately #I'm too depressed #trying to keep it together but it's really hard #not having income is so scary #i really need help and i don't know what to do #adult stuff tw #money tw #depression tw #risu speaks #risu tags

[onlythebravest]

-

#tw sick parent figure + tw sick parent when i was younger (sick-sick) #seriously don't read this it's just me rambling #i just write it here bc i don't want to bother people by saying the same thing over and over and over #bc it's nothing new to be said. i just need to get it out yet another time #i hope this drowns in all the louis posts so i can just send this into the void 😂 #i've been home for less than 24 hours and i already don't want to be here. it already sucks #i guess in a way it's good bc now i can help but it really sucks and idk how to handle everything #and on top of that my therapist continues to be sick so i don't even have someone to talk to about all of this and it just sits in my head #he is already back at the hospital which makes me just remember all the times my mom went in and out of the hospital when i was younger #well good thing here is that they have something that they now can treat even if they don't know it that's actual cause of not #but doesn't help with all my thoughts about how bad shit is and how it reminds me of my mom and how i can't handle any of this #and am instead rambling in some tags in a tumblr post #i wish i could just shut down all the emotions until he's all better and we don't have to worry anymore and everything is fine again #bc this sucks #i don't want to do this anymore #and i'm sure it's barely begun #bc why would it be easily treatable? that would be a miracle and i don't believe in miracles #life sucks and i really wish it didn't #if you’re down here then that’s impressive bc I wouldn’t be able to read this since it’s just a block of text without any real sentences 😂 #and yeah this is just me screaming into the void #don't worry about it i'll be fine

[road2manjuumaster]

im gonna yell in the tags just to be safe but i am THINKING

#tw ed mention in the tags > #so fun cater fact #im not formally diagnosed but i mean. do i rlly need to be? #ive had eating problems for basically my whole life?? bc as a dancer and ESPECIALLY as a young afab dancer there were body standards #we know this it sucks #and if youve read like. anything ive ever written you can probably tell i project that into arashi REALLY hard #and now im sitting here ( instead of eating lmao ) feeling soft about #arashi being there. like trying to support me and help me get better. bc shes been there and she doesn't want me to suffer #qnd it hurts her to see me like this #like shell always invite me to eat lunch with her and shell make me something and wven if its not much its better than what id usually have #( nothing ) #bc at the very least knowing its from her for me specifically would make it just a little easier #and thinking about how if i asked her to give the cal count for each thing in what she made me she would #bc if i dont know then ill straight up refuse to eat it or ill try to overcompensate cuz i dont know how much it was #and she doesnt want ne to harm myself any more than i already have #f/oposting #its so funny how i didnt think twice about the midoteto suicide pact post but THIS #THIS needs to be out of immediate view #idek if this counts as gush #⚜️

[pepprs]

how did you know you were a lesbian ? not to Dump but i've always been attracted to girls but have no idea if i'm attracted to men. how do you not overthink it ?

HI!!! omg thank u for reaching out abt this and sorry ive kept u waiting for like half a yr 😩 (but also this is good timing bc i can say HAPPY PRIDE MONTH! i hope ur doing well and celebrating!) i uhmmmm don’t know how much help i can be in answering this bc i thought i was a lesbian a couple yrs ago but then i realized i actually am not (im bi) so you might want to ask a lesbian and they can help u figure things out from a more relevant standpoint than i can. BUT i will say that like.. sigh. my journey to figuring out my sexuality has been painful and confusing and honestly… the way i approach it now is i just don’t think about it / talk about it anymore or at least as much as i used to lol. i think when i was younger and first realizing that i like (and had always liked) girls i was desperate to give it a definition so i would feel less alone in it and hate myself less for being “weird” and “different” for liking girls if it was in a way that other ppl had in common / gave a name to. and part of that was me first thinking i was bi, then questioning if i was a lesbian, then thinking i was a lesbian. but then… like not to say this bc it’s so horrible but it’s literally true and the reason why all of this happened. i got into some super fucked up arguments with my mom abt my sexuality that gave me irreversible brain damage and i just like stopped questionining mysef / thinking abt my sexuality for like a yr and a half bc it was too painful / existential / etc. and then when i was ready to come back to thinking abt it i was like yeah im not going to read too much into the atteaction i had / have anymore bc after what happened it’s exhausting and painful to analyze what it is and determine if it’s actually comphet and like it felt / feels like attraction to me in some way shape or form so im just gonna go with it bc that’s how i identified when i first came to terms w not being straight and it feels right right now. so that’s kinda how im doing it.. just feeling my way. and if it changes again it changes again (bc i think sexuality is fluid and it’s ok to like change ur mind try different things etc) but atp im too like wounded from how everything went down w my mom in 2019 (and also like… before and after that but esp 2019) to think abt it again. but obviously that’s just me and a lot of ppl figure themselves out differently so if anyone sees this and wants to add thoughts please go ahead!! i wish u the best of luck anon 💓

#purrs #the mortifying ordeal of having impostor syndrome abt my sexuality lol. and also like cringing at myself bc rn it’s all abt just absorbing t #the damage (which arguably wasn’t even that bad) and coping with it. but yeah no i think i just.. like for me i was trying too hard to #analyze it and then my mom (and her gay friend that she brought into the conversation unprompted) basically guilt tripped me out of thinking #i knew anything abt my sexuality bc ive never been in a relationship before and crushes don’t count and that was may 2019 and there were oth #other episodes in there too over the years and in that year specifically that just.. really did a number on me. so right now the way i am #defining my sexuality is by like.. trying to cope with the core wound and tiptoe around it. but even after i heal from it fully (if i ever d #do) i think im bi and not a lesbian and im not going to think about it more than i feel like i need to . so yeah that’s me but i do kinda #feel like a fake and also cringe abt answering this LOL… like anon i promise you you are not dumping bc look at me ! but i appreciate u #asking and also like a lot of ppl on here helped me thru all of that stuff a couple yrs ago so this is kinda a follow up if ur interested in #knowing how im thinking abt it these days. i’ll stop rambling now but ty again anon im rooting for u and i hope u have a happy pride month 💗 #delete later #asks #long post tw #ask to tag

[aphroditestummyrolls]

Pre-thanksgiving anxiety making me think about cleansing before I go home 😬😬😬

#tw eating disorder #tw anorexia #the real recovery tag #tw food mention #foodpics #I shouldn’t #I really shouldn’t do that thing #cleanses DONT even really help anything #I need to get my period so I can stop feeling so awful AH

[angel-dust-addict]

//Hey y'all. So I'm having a really bad time right now with anxiety and financial instability and all the stress that brings and trying to fix some shit so I can continue to have a roof over my head. But I'm gonna post some memes - probably going to just mostly reblog them from my other million and twelve RP blogs, as it'll be easiest to find ones I like there. Reblogging them to here for Angel, @pentagramcityradio for Alastor, and @stolasowlofgoetia for Stolas. If y'all want to send those in, that would be awesome. Even if we've never interacted before, even if we're not mutuals, or if you want to send stuff in on anon, that's all fine. I could just really use a distraction. I'm trying to get a lot of things done, but between my anxiety and ADHD it's incredibly hard to focus and I kind of just feel sick if I think on everything too much. Which doesn't help the focus. So having a distraction to kinda breathe between tasks would be amazing.

My one hard and fast rule is that I don't interact with any blog whose mun does not have their age (or at least that they're 18+, I'm not looking for specifics, just "are you an adult") somewhere on their blog. Outside of that, have at it. I would ask that you send something in if you're going to reblog the memes - just so all my notifications aren't just people reblogging stuff, as that's very discouraging - but I won't get upset if you don't, so long as it's not like all of them. All of the blogs I'm reblogging these from are either meme source blogs or my own blogs. (And do feel free to to go poke me on any of those, although only Danny - @were-up-against-them-all - is active right now. But I'll get notifications for any of his sideblogs, which are all linked in his little blurb at the top/side of his page. Danny's sort of my catch-all main, so that's Aziraphale and Crowley from Good Omens, Lila, Kell, Rhy, and Holland from Shades of Magic, Spencer from Criminal Minds, and very fanon/AU versions of James, Alec, and Q from the Bond franchise. I'm just not logged into any of my other main blogs right now.)

#backstage || ooc #murder ballads || mun #tw: negativity #[[I guess? #Not really -being- negative just talking about stress. #But I know sometimes that can be a lot for people. #I'm one of those ADHD people who does best if I can do things in small chunks so tasks aren't so overwhelming. #And it's super helpful to have something else to do between bits of things. #I hate to ask this but it would honestly help right now.]] #[[If I need to stick any other filtering tags on this sort of thing for anybody please let me know.]]