#im still experimenting with stuff but i really dont want to get into rendering. like. rendering everything and making a background. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

wasyago · 10 months

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how did u get so good at composition:3 did u like to draw background all the time or it came to be after practice how long does one piece usually take:333

hehe well, thank you first of all. second of all... um both? practice yes, no one gets it on the first time. and just. i dont know? doing it over and over again and trying new things and experimenting, seeing what works, what doesn't, where the background is needed and not.

i remember i heard a lot of artists around me saying that they didn't like or couldn't draw backgrounds, and for some reason i decided that im not gonna be like other girls and learn to do it. and i uhhh.... just started? drawing backgrounds? i was trying, and watching tutorials on youtube, and seeing how other people did it and eventually it got easier? i can say that i definitely enjoyed figuring out how to do it, struggling to get the perspective and composition right. like, it was hard but i had a lot of fun doing it, so it felt natural and just like, normal art progression? it didn't feel like i was going out of my way to draw backgrounds, i just did it when i felt like it?

at some point i joined a character ask, you know, when people ask questions and you draw the character answering. and i decided that im gonna draw a background for each answer instead of it being a character on a blank background. and doing this, like, specifically trying to draw backgrounds and tell a story with them, and doing it regularly and coherently, it helped me progress a lot. like, i started with a character sitting on a couch in a room, and then it got better and better, multiple rooms, multiple angles of the same room, different locations and images. it helped me a ton. just, figuring out when you need a background, when its rather i did something simple for one frame and focused on the other instead, where the character needs to be positioned, etc.

i can say i didn't do a lot of proper studies, and if i did maybe it would've been helpful... i only drew things that were in my head, with characters that i liked, with imaginary locations and stuff. never really drew from photos... we did go on plein-airs, or whatever they're called, when i was in art school, so drawing backgrounds from real life probably also helped a little, but i can't remember anything about it so it didn't do as much.

i looked at a lot of art from cool artists and expanded my visual library, i analyzed their art trying to figure out why i like it and how to make my art have the same kind of feeling. and i still do! sometimes something just takes over me and i scroll pinterest for 3 hours looking at pretty art and going to artists' profiles and saving art and using it as inspiration later. and it helps! a lot!

i dont know where this post is going ummm. i guess if you want to learn to draw something, just like, start. scrap it if you don't like it and try again, have fun, don't get attached. and uhh, i felt a little nostalgic so here are some of my pieces that i did throughout the years. definitely feels like i got better at it recently, but there's still a lot of room for improvement

oh and for your second question. one piece takes about ummmm... more than a thousand episodes, thats 20 minutes times 1000 devided by 60 devided by 24... we're looking at about 14+ days of non stop watching?

no but for real. i dont really keep track of time when im drawing, uhh. plus depending on the complexity... my recent jrwi drawings are sketches, so they took maybe one or two hours max. something rendered uhhh, maybe 5 hours? if i don't finish it in one day the chances of this drawing ever getting done are super low, soo yeah

#yagotalk

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oflgtfol · 2 years

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this post is LONG it is a wall of words and it is very disjointed because im just typing as i think. and i would rewrite it to be more comprehensible but, again, it's a wall of words, i certainly don't want to put more effort into rewriting it, lol

now that i've been reminded of ringing bell, honestly, i feel like that's my ideal sith master&apprentice dynamic.

like, at least anything involving palpatine really, annoys me so badly because it's like. the whole teacher and student dynamic is on the backburner when focusing entirely on the sheer abuse of it all and it's just like. there's nothing but hatred and violence like why even bother with the teacher student stuff then. like what is going on. if you just want to take this person and squeeze the life and light out of them to make them a hatred-fueled monster, then like, why even bother teaching them literally anything along the way? i mean, i guess the point for palpatine, is to teach them enough to become a tool and extension of your own power, without teachign them enough to eventually overthrow you, but like. the whole point of the rule of two is that the apprentice WILL eventually overthrow the master and it's just like. what is the point, then, of ever teaching them at all, if you understand that in taking this person as your fucking up student, they're going to eventually kill you over it. like it's just so weird and pointless. like the unhealthy violence of it all is just SO extreme to where it renders the teacher aspect of it irrelevant

but, say, take a dynamic like in ringing bell. forgive me i havent seen this movie in at least 5 years. but like, the wolf kills the sheep's mom, and thus sends the kid into a revenge-bent spiral, where he then goes to the wolf to learn how to fight in order to one day kill the wolf, and the wolf for some reason agrees. and it's like, a horrific experience for the sheep kid, and he grows into this thing that barely even resembles a sheep anymore, and he eventually kills the wolf. like it's a fucked up cycle of violence but underlying that is some sort of twisted version of affection that had the wolf proud of the sheep for becoming someone capable of killing, and had the sheep still hesitant to kill the wolf in the end until it was inevitable, despite the killing of his mom and the years of violence under his tutelage. like it was a fucked up dynamic with a cycle of violence but with some version of affection to it anyway.

now like, take that type of dynamic, apply it to the sith? the sith, doing evil deeds in order to get their hands on their new apprentice? the new apprentice falls and joins them but only in order to enact their revenge on their master one day? both of them knowing that one day the apprentice will usurp the master, but still having their own fucked up version of affection despite that. like idk. i just think that's way more compelling than palpatine's 'YIPPIE I CARE ABOUT LITERALLY NO ONE OTHER THAN MYSELF DESPITE EVERYTHING I HAVE POURED INTO RAISING THIS SINGLE APPRENTICE." like whats so fucked up about anakin and palpatine in particular is how paternal palpatine had been to anakin in order to get him to fall in the first place and then just turns on a dime? like there's zero paternal stuff going on later? imagine if they had the fucked up dynamic of vader & palpatine but still with that barest element of a paternal relationship. imagine seeing this twisted version of what they had prior to the fall - like obviously even in the beginning it was twisted bc it was palpatine grooming + manipulating anakin since he was 9 years old - but at least at the beginning it was a hidden motive, and anakin believed it to be genuine. i just find it hard to believe that you spend over a decade grooming this young kid into becoming your fascist heir and you dont feel even the SLIGHTEST OUNCE of genuine affection for him? even if the affection is entirely born of malice and evilness, like, you cannot tell me that all he feels is coldhearted detached "i'm using you as a tool for my future use, you are an investment" energy ???? not even some grim, twisted satisfaction over taking over obi-wan's place in anakin's life / winning anakin over to his side and turning him against obi-wan? like, nothing at all? nothing but using anakin as an investment?? despite the fact anakin had been his longest term investment with the highest stakes, he feels NOTHING? like im just so. AGH

so like idk i just think it'd be more compelling if they did have some elements of sincere emotion to it, with those emotions being very fucked up but still better than the absolute coldhearted "you're my tool to power" and "im gonna kill you one day." isnt it more compelling to have a fucked up evil shadow of the grandfatherly mentor + lonely kid dynamic they had originally, where they're now Sith Master & Apprentice but like with an emphasis on the fucked up evil version of being teacher and student. like just turning it into torture porn with nothing but malice and detached violence is so boring. screams

tl;dr palpatine is boring as all fucking hell. god damn i wish he experienced a single human emotion beyond greed or whatever his motivation is because it gets so boring so fast. you cannot tell me this man hasnt felt a single sincere ounce of affection for literally ANYTHING ???? like is there anything or anyone he genuinely sincerely likes, enjoys? without an ulterior motive of using it to manipulate someone else or gain more power? apparently not, so!!! just imagine how much more compelling he could be as a villain if he did, in fact, feel an ounce of sincere affection for his fucked up little apprentice, especially because that sincere affection, while sincere, would still be utterly evil in motive and origin, and would only be used to further tighten his hold on anakin/vader

#brot posts #sw posting #this post could probably be half the length or even shorter if i was just more concise and not word vomiting everywehre #but alas. whatever.#its my blog i get to post whatever nonsense i want to #i am also like. insanely tired so theres maybe that as well

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traumadotwav · 1 year

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yesterday i got up early enough that breakfast for my brother was still on going (the biggest cast iron's worth of scrambled eggs and the entire packet of bacon) and i was like good morning and my mom was like [flat affect] hi and i did some waking up stuff and left the outer house back into my room, i went back out like a bit later like on a break to water/coffee/eat sort of thing and my mom was like HELLO all shiny and rehearsed and like often times ill be like we already did this and some other times ill be like ignoring it, today i was just like hi back and continued about my business and she launched into a what shes going to make for dinner, its never a discussion its always a bait for an argument and only trotted out when im up for like brunch hours and never when i just wake up later in the evening cause that gets like disgruntled confusion that im interrupting her dinner with my existence and its often really unpleasant to hear her rattling off food i cant or dont eat while im making other food like i should stop and concern and make that my only meal of the day or something, and then she gives me a verbal list of chores to do, she was like i just Cant bring myself to bring the trash can in from the curb its too cold, and now im in like catagory 8-10 level of physical pain that day, i barely have the energy to walk and talk and do the things i was doing and i legit was like in a bit, like really planning to go get it, but the whole sum of the interaction dawned on me how she like lies and waits for me to exist at the time she wants me to be there to experience that, and its like if its too cold for you why should *i* go out and do it? like obvi i can deal with the cold but how derange is it to be like its unpleasant for me, here my actual child i gave birth to you go be experiencing something unpleasant like it has to be done but my brother has neither the amount of pain like this that i do and isnt bothered like that by the cold, he was home all day and got all his meals made for him, he could have easily walked across the yard and brought the cans up, something that would have rendered me immobile for a bit afterwards, so i just didnt do it and someone likely my mom on her way out to do my brothers laundry fr, i woke up briefly to my mom complaining how i didnt do the dishes but everything in the kitchen is from meals she and my brother ate like, why should i?? no one but me washes my dishes and if thats how its going to be im not going to push my body when its in that much pain, and when i need extra sleep to do a chore when we could be using the dishwasher to make all of our lives easier when we could all take turns doing the dishes instead of me, me , me, me again until she yells at me for trying to steal her house or her role as mom or whatever then she does them for like two days then its me again

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junkyarddook · 2 years

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How has this news not ruined your enjoyment with CEC? (/gq)

Animatronics are a big SI for me and I regularly go to CEC, but after hearing this it makes me feel sick. It's completely ruined my enjoyment immediately and I've taken all the CEC stuff off my blog because I can't even bear to look at it.

This is just personal experience, if you don't want to I understand I just want to know how you can manage it because I really hate losing this part of me I've held since childhood...

tbh, working at chuck e, being severely mistreated by them, nd learning how horrible of a corporation they are rly has made me build up a lot of resentment toward them. but tht just makes me wanna speak up, cuz they r not gonna stop till they go bankrupt.

after i quit i had to take a long break. i quit with 0 notice bc they literally broke me. quitting with no notice is something i have never done before, i dont like 2 do that. i had to take 2 weeks off from work after tht because they put me in such a bad mental state

after they mistreated me, i also could barely look at cec stuff because it made me so upset remembering what they did 2 me.,.. and tht something that made me so insanely happy, was ruined by horrible management, ableism and corporate greed. i went from absolutely loving my job and having it b the best part of my day, to throwing up due 2 anxiety before/ during every shift cuz i waz so scared of my manager screaming in my face orr threatening my promotion again, (which i never got btw!! they held a promotion over me for months, had me doing all the responsibilities for it but refused to give me the pay raise they promised me for it.) as well as having multiple anxiety attacks/ having to step outside bc i was bawling cuz of the way they treated us. every. single. shift. the worst part about it was they just took advantage of us, the ones who actually cared about working there. they went easier on us if we didnt like the job, but if they see u will put in the effort, time, commitment, and they wwill use that passion u have to run u into the ground. thatz so wrong to me.

at the samee time, this iz smthn I was already kind of prepared for, i am aware of, having a large corporation as my special interest. all corporations are evil, they just try 2 hide it. this was sadly going on the whole time. small stuff, or big. the way they advertise things is purposely confusing to try and get more money out of u. stuff like tht is super fucked up 2 me. for example at my location they charge a $2 fee to activate playpasses, which i was encouraged to hide from the customer. i was literally only allowed to tell them if they asked why they are being charged $2 extra. chuck e has been supporting autism speaks for 2 years now. they just deleted our comments last year becausee they dont fucking care about us. all they care about is money.

what makez me happy about chuck e cheese is not going there, or supporting them,, for me itz the characters, music, videos, merch, animatronics and art. all of these things u can access without supprting CEC entertainment..,. theres so many ways to still engage in this interest without supporting chuck e cheese as a corporation. draw art of the characters. watch content through other YT channels, not the official cec one. theres so much fan-created content at this point, that we dont need corporate. the new stuff theyre putting out is mostly garbage in my opinion anyways. im not gonna miss seeing them use the same 2 renders of rockstar chuck over and over lol. i luvv rockstar, but evrrything coming out now just has this vibe of "we slapped this together to trick u and get ur money". theres no effort put into anything. its just whatever is quickest, cheapest and will make them the most money. barbara the barnyard barber? just a song they bought the rights 2 and slapped cec adlibs on top of.

i love chuck e cheese so much that i can never give it up, its my special interest, its one of the only things tht brings me true happiness. u dont have to give it up either. u can still love chuck e and not support the company. i even still go sometimes to film the bots, i just dont buy any games, merch or food. u can go to a chuck e cheese completely 4 free, which is definitely a huge "fuck u" to corporate imo, since all they want is ur money.

tl;dr : u can still lovr chuck e cheese without giving them money/ supporting them. imo its not morally wrong if u r speaking up about the bad they r doing, or at the least, not ignoring it and not pretending they did nothing wrong. u just gotta find alternative ways to engage with the content.

#asks #very long post #chuck e cheese #cec #chuck e. cheese #animatronics #chuck e. cheese’s #kidcore

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bigbadwolf-16 · 3 years

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i was gonna put this in the tags but it got a bit long so lrb

honestly its stuff like this thats part of what makes destiny so truly magical for me like. constant new content, a beautiful and stunningly rendered galaxy to explore, complex characters, running into goofballs in social areas and just having emote parties with total strangers for ten minutes, all the clowning with my friends?

weve done MMOs ad nauseum and some of them have a special place in my heart just for nostalgias sake but the thing that separates those dime a dozen mmorpgs is just the fact that destiny genuinely has so much heart and soul and love poured into it by the devs, like. idk how to explain it, but the fact that you can really feel how much they love this game makes all the difference. the fact that theyre working from home on something theyre truly passionate about comes through in everything from the narrative to the gameplay to the set design to the lore

the thing that gives destiny such a special place in my heart is everything that makes it so different. the insanely rich lore of the world, the style, the really cool people that you can meet through it and everything i already said

obviously the toxic side of the community is,, extremely toxic, but when you avoid those things and when you play with your fireteam or you get matched with a really good one, like. i dunno. it just feels really special in a lot of ways. destiny is defs not without its issues, but in the grand scheme of things, those issues are pretty small. like ive played DOZENS of mmos and pretty much all of them i just got bored with. its all the same back and forth, fetch this, kill that, back and forth, walk here, do this, with bland and lifeless dialogue, and i just get. bored. but with destiny, if youre bored, thats on you, bcs there are so many things you can do and so many game modes and things to chase and to learn

i stopped playing for a long time bc of things kinda out of my control but when i came back to it was immediately swept away by it all over again, even with all i missed. it kinda felt like hanging out with a friend you havent seen in a really long time, where you just fall into it seamlessly and all the in-jokes are still funny, and on top of that it brought me closer to one of the best friends i havent seen in a really long time (and we used to play together a lot back in d1 and the early days of d2), and ive become friends with his friends??? ive made friends through this stupid, complex, beautiful game, and thats so amazing, and its made me want to be a better person too, yk? in a weird sorta way. i wanna be the person my ghost knows i can be, and i wanna be a guardian that can help the kinderguardians find their feet in this big crazy world even tho im way stupid bad at destiny

i know its just a video game but damn dude this shit hits different and you really dont get such impactful experiences from any bargain bin anime character MMO, at least for me

#this is gay #im gay #idk man #shits magical

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mousehole5000 · 4 years

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tgcf lb the third chapter 14 - 21

okay hit me with the lore

Xie Lian hadn’t spoken his next words before the teenager said, “He dug it out himself.” Startled, Xie Lian asked, “Why?” The teen replied, “He went mad.” -digging out your own eye okay worm

If there were demons in this world who would scam or entice the hearts of people, then there would also be humans who would fool demons. There would exist much ongoing exploitation and betrayal. He said, “If it was handed over in infatuation, yet only results in broken bones and scattered ashes, it would indeed render one’s heart to feel aggrieved.” okay also kind of dope i love it when humans and demons get some back and forth. also this feels like it could be foreshadowing

awwww xie lian giving away his only steamed bun what a sweetheart

everyone keeps telling me this book is also a tragedy but now im just laughing at the visual of headless ghosts carrying their heads around and bickering

chronic bad luck and chronic good luck meet... what will happen to our heroes...

Xie Lian raised his head, softly saying, “You are tenacious, extremely dedicated, and despite many bitter encounters with frustrations and dashed hopes, you’ve stayed true to your heart. More often than not, your misfortunes will turn into blessings, calamity to prosperity. You will continue to have good fortune, my friend, your future is radiant and will blossom spectacularly.” All the things he said were made up on the spot, so they were complete nonsense. - fhklasjksldfdfh i know this is a ploy but still this was funny. also why didnt xie lian try to pick up palm reading from another source when he fell? are they just not as good? is he pretentious like that? either way i hope we find out more about what he got up to during those 800 years

Xie Lian felt rather skeptical on how he only ate half a bun for the duration of the entire day. If young people took advantage on their good health like this, sooner or later they would surely end up passed out on the streets. - xie lian is directly calling me out for my quarantine eating habits im sorry king ill do better

Previously, it had always been Xie Lian telling other people ‘it’s alright, it’s okay’. Today was the first time he heard those words spoken back to him, leaving him with an indescribable feeling. - awww okay this got me

oh my god there was only one bed

again comedy of the year. “oh you’re putting up a curtain that repels evil thats so interesting. on an entirely unrelated note im going to make you a door”

Brushing past him, San Lang pulled out the bamboo chopstick. He swayed it twice in front of him before saying, “It got dirty. I’ll throw it out later.” - edgy bastard moments begin

Xie Lian could hear the deliberation win Ling Wen’s tone. One thing he could be sure of was that she must be in a difficult situation. He said, “Okay, I understand. Since this is inconvenient for you, then there’s no need for you to say more. In addition, the two of us never had this conversation in private.” - awwwww considerate crown prince xie lian

“What, do you guys know him?” Xie Lian said. “……” Fu Yao coldly replied, “No we don’t.” - all men do is lie. also love the petty little broom dispute. i know its actually quite intentional and that only makes it funnier. also guys stop wrecking xie lian’s home he just got it fixed up!! if anyone breaks the new door ill be highly disappointed in them

Xie Lian nodded his head. “That’s right. I wrote it. If you guys continued fighting in there, I would be pleading for reconstruction instead of renovation. Then, I would really have no dignity left.” - see xie lian said if youre not going to contribute to it then please dont fight in my monastery its been through enough

Earlier, when Fu Yao had entered, he hadn’t gotten to examine the interior furnishings. Now, after standing in this crooked, shabby house for quite a while, he was able to see it all. As if his entire body, from head to toe, was uncomfortable, he asked, “You live in a place like this?” Xie Lian handed him a chair and said, “I’ve always lived in these kinds of places.” - ive seen this quote before and it really is just that “damn bitch you live this like?” meme. amazing

Fu Yao did not sit, his expression also turning rigid for a second. It was hard to tell what the look on his face was. It seemed nine parts blank shock and one part schadenfreude. - THIS IS MY NEW FAVORITE EXPRESSION I WOULD LOVE TO SEE IT

In the desert, the difference in temperature between night and day was drastic. During the night, the freezing temperature was cold enough to seep into one’s bones, yet it was still tolerable. But come daytime, it was a whole other experience. The sky here was incredibly clear and expansive with dashes of white clouds, but likewise, the blazing sun was just as fierce. The group continued to walk, but the more they walked, the more it felt as though they were going into an enormous steamer basket. The hot air emitted from deep within the earth felt as though a day’s worth of walking could steam a person alive. - YES DESERTS YES

okay xie lian is so kind and so generous? he keeps giving stuff away when he has almost nothing and making sure that others are taken care of first..... love him

Xie Lian watched them put on airs. But when such airs were discarded, they finally got physical. Separated by the space of the table, the three of them fought with the poor water bottle, pushing it back and forth. - if these three really are who i think they are this is even funnier. the very clear toying thats going on is truly delightful

Even before, Xie Lian had always thought that although this teenager was always smiling, his smile often made it hard for people to distinguish whether it was actually genuine, or whether it was mockery in the guise of compliments. However, this time, anyone would be able to tell that there wasn’t even half an ounce of goodwill in his smile. - yeah that about sums it up. not even half an ounce of goodwill damn that sure the hell is not a lot of goodwill

He had Ruoye go grab onto something sturdy and stable, but Ruoye ended up grabbing onto San Lang! - awwww thats kind of cute. also the mental image... im going to make this its own post too but

im waiting for xie lian to cough up all that sand hes eating and say something funny when we’re back on the ground. i hope we get more very literal decisions from ruoye

It should be noted that there was a common saying within the mortal realm—a powerful dragon cannot crush a snake in its old haunts. - oh i like this and the translators note This is an old Chinese adage that basically means, ‘even a powerful man cannot crush a local bully.’

“General.” Nan Feng and Fu Yao both spoke at the same time, “What?” - CONFIRMED I CALLED IT tbh it was kind of obvious now ig now im just waiting. also again hysterical. if youre gonna hide your identities boys fucking lkafjfjlkdaf; try harder to remember that youre hiding

To be demoted again and again, to the point one couldn’t be demoted any further…… this kind of experience honestly felt too familiar. Xie Lian felt two gazes collectively fall on his body, but he pretended not to notice and continued reading the text on the stone slate. - this is a funny little set up for what seems to be a parallel between xie lian and this central plains general. he tripped on his own bootlace??? this HAS to be xie lian parallel what does it mean. oooh the common people on both sides of the conflict were the ones who commemorated him? interesting..

San Lang faintly smiled before he whispered, “No, I made that up. Since they had laughed at him before, making them kowtow to him now wouldn’t be asking too much, right?” Xie Lian looked and saw that it was really true. There was already no more text left to translate on the stone slate. He had originally wanted to sigh, but now he just found it funny. Thus, he also whispered, “Why are you so cheeky?” San Lang stuck out his tongue. The two of them were laughing when suddenly, someone screamed, “What is this!!!???” - okay they are funny and i respect the deception. also oooh scorpion tailed snake. oooh a horde of them. a classic cave blunder

“Yeah! The results are relatively the same as worshipping that rubbish immortal! The more you worship, the unluckier you become! “ “……” For an arrow to hit the bullseye despite being in a place so distant and unrelated, Xie Lian was left with no words. - oh my god xie lian are you wearing a spiritual “kick me” sign because it really feels like you are

HE GOT STUNG XIE LIAN NO

#i need to take a break from this i got fic to write #tgcf liveblog #mouse mumbles

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clownkiwi · 4 years

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hehe, so since im in a video game mood rn and thinking a lot about old video games/video games i love, if you were to ask me “hey ruby!!! what games/sequels/trilogies would you like to see remade???” well, here’s which ones i think should get remade: (this’ll be a pretty long post, so you can just click the link down below if ya want to read the whole thing)

out of any old final fantasy game that should get a remake like the final fantasy 7 remake, if i had to choose one, it would have to be final fantasy 6. that’s just one of my favorite final fantasy games (right up there with final fantasy 7, that is), and like. final fantasy 6 is kind of the perfect bridging gateway game between the fantasy/medieval/middle earth early final fantasy games (from 1-5) to the futuristic/modern/grounded to earth final fantasy games (7, 8, 10, 13 & 15), so like. realistically??? final fantasy 6 is probably one of the only few games i think should get a final fantasy 7 remake-esque remake, and it is one that i think can work in that realistic style compared to something like. final fantasy 9 or final fantasy 4, ngl

super mario rpg, obviously, id love to see that game get a remake. maybe with like, a lot more characters (luigi & wario would work perfectly in there), any content they had to cut out, maybe add more to the game that we didn’t even think of that could work (like, not just story padding, maybe stuff like the koopalings, daisy, wart from mario 2). idk, id just like a super mario rpg remake done in a similar style to the link’s awakening switch remake

despite how important these games are to mario’s history as they are the first original handheld mario platformers, as well as introducing wario, another important mario character, it’s kinda weird how nintendo hasn’t really paid much attention to the super mario land trilogy, or even the wario land series. and while i think a new wario land game will certainly get everybody (myself included) very excited, id also get excited if the original mario land series got an all stars-esque remake. heck, id get excited if all the wario land games got remade too in their own package (like, the mario land trilogy will just have mario land 1, 2 & 3, while the wario land remakes can either start out with mario land 3, or virtual boy wario land, or even wario land 2)

i think the original paper mario trilogy of the 2000s should get their own remake/upscaled ports to the switch as well. stuff like paper mario 64 should obviously get remade from the ground up, while stuff like the thousand year door & super paper mario should get like. upscaled graphics, or even new content (like in the thousand year door, there should be a whole sidequest or extra campaign dedicated to luigi’s own journeys that he goes on at the same time as mario’s, i think thatd b pretty neat & funny)

if any megaman game were to get a remake, i think they should be like. the original zero storyline megaman x games. like, ya know, megaman x1-5. and while ik games like megaman x1-3 already get a lot of love, and megaman x5 doesnt really get as much hatred (i think??? i never finished that game), i think megaman x4 should get a lot more love. not only is it my favorite megaman x game, but like. it has a pretty good storyline, each character gets their own unique story, and like. i just like a lot about megaman x4, i really do, and im sad it commonly gets referred to as the worst megaman x game just because of its voice acting. it gets a lot of flack for its voice acting, and honestly, if the voice acting was just mediocre or average, then i really think a lot more people will appreciate this game. like, in my eyes, if megaman x1-5 got remakes in the cel-shaded rendered style of megaman 11 or dragon ball fighterz, then thatd b cool. id also b down to a new megaman x game too aoisdjfiaos

ok, so, kirby games!!!! ik stuff like kirbys adventure & kirby’s super star got remakes, and while they’re great, id love to see more kirby games get remakes!!! and i got two seperate candidates that’d work. and that first one will be a remake of the “dark matter” trilogy of kirby games. games like kirby’s dream land 2, kirby’s dream land 3, & kirby 64. i think these games are pretty important in the kirby series as not only are these the first instance of the deep lore seen in later kirby games (stuff like return to dream land, planet robobot, and star allies), but like. dream land 2 was the first game to introduce kirbys animal allies, which have become staples for a lot of the kirby games (dream land 3, wow, thats all i could really think of oasidjfio). so like, yea!!! thatd b pretty epic

another kirby “trilogy” id love to see get remade or even get remasters of onto switch would have to be the “return to dream land” games. games like kirby’s return to dream land and even the 3ds games that were built off of that: kirby’s triple deluxe & kirby’s planet robobot. i mean, these games are fairly recent, and stuff like return to dream land isn’t even 10 years old yet. but like, i think if these games got upscaled graphics/models & resolution, as well as a bunch of new/cut content, it can also work

oooooooooooooooooo boy, there are a lot of sonic games id love to see get remade considering i think about sonic alot. stuff like sonic 3 & knuckles getting the sonic 1, 2 & cd treatment (get upgraded ports to ios & android, a bunch of new content from sonic mania, etc), as well as said sonic 1 & 2 mobile ports get released to steam or other consoles. itd be cool to see shadow the hedgehog get an upgraded port to the switch for a low price. maybe even see sonic x-treme get completed. but if theres any sonic game id love to see get a full on, worked from the ground up remake, it’d have to be the sonic dreamcast trilogy. and by that, i mean sonic games that were worked off of the same dreamcast technology/engine. games like sonic adventure 1, 2 & sonic heroes. and like, not just stuff like the gamecube or steam ports. i mean, full on remakes with updated models, updated animations & cutscenes, updated rendering, updated voice acting, updated everything!!! with that, id love to see the chao garden get a full blown overhaul, with more deeper chao breeding, more games to play with your chao, more special, unique chaos & even stuff like chao bonuses to the main campaigns. and even somethign that’d be cooler would be like. either free updates or DLC that would add more campaigns to these games with new characters (like the babylon rogues, the classic characters, silver & blaze, etc), and like. i KNOW thats a lot to work on, but like, i think a lot of people would appreciate that. plus, i consider the sonic adventure games would be a perfect introduction to the sonic series, i think these games could get a lot more people hooked onto the series!!! new & old fans alike!!! but, thats just my thots, and this would be impossible realistically. id still want it 2 happen tho 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

while ik everyone wants that gen iv remake, may i recommend a??? gen v remake??? pokemon black & white are still one of my favorite pokemon games, they were very close to me growing up, and i. just have so much goddamn appreciation and love for this game!!!! i think its one of game freaks more underappreciated games, and ik there a ton of people that can agree with me on that!!! it was just such a different and unique experience, with such a deep story, really good and underappreciated and underloved pokemon designs, and just. i’d love it if we really got a gen 5 remake, especially seeing how much game freak has been putting a lot more gen 5 nostalgia in all of their recent products (from a ton of gen 5 pokemon appearing in detective pikachu, to gen v pokemon getting galarian forms in pokemon sword & shield, and even gen v pokemon appearing in a lot more spin offs lately). like. trust me, pokemon black and white isn’t really as bad as people made it off to be in 2011. it really is a modern masterpiece in video games, i really recommend checking it out and begging game freak to give it a remake about as much as yinz have been begging game freak to remake diamond & pearl

obviously mario 64, sunshine, & galaxy 1 & 2 should get full on remakes. yinz know i wanted one this whole year, and im very disappointed we got these barely upgraded ports to switch instead. thats it on that, i dont need to go into further detail

ummmmmmmmmm, yea, thats kinda it. i cant think of any other games id love to see get remade. ummmmmmmm let me know what u think about this list, and tell me whatever type of other games you’d love to see get remade!!!

thats it ruby out

#ruby says sapphic shit #WOOOO BOY this was a big post to type out even tho it was just my thots #uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh idk how else to tag this so uh #mario #smb #megaman #sonic #ff #final fantasy #kirby #pokemon #i was gonna say sutte hakkun should get like a remake or even an english translated port to the switch #like the switch's online snes service thing. its p underrated & really unique n i think people might like it #ok thats it. thats abt as much as i talk abt video games for now. bc rn. i gotta watch a movie for school & do school work so uh #bye!!!! for now

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ddonggeun · 6 years

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Hey! So I’m suspecting if I got adhd/add but is there any symptom idk. It’s really exp here to get it diagnosed

sorry it took me a while to get back to you because honestly i dont know whats a good alternative for you can be so i guess i can share my own experience?

first of all i think googling symptoms and types of adhd and reading peoples account on how adhd/add manifest is a good start? my doctor and the reddit /r/adhd REALLY help me to accept myself (which is the first step i think) but the way i get diagnosis (i am adhd with predominately inattentiveness - but at the same time i have depressions and dyslexia which is like a killer combo 10/10 would never rec) is that i came across with an article a couple months about how girls with adhd are more likely to be (mis)diagnosed with depression and it basically fucks up multiple generations because they cant get the help they need and i was like wait whats describe in it sounds kind of like me but at the same time i have always been very lethargic and rather well behaved in class growing up i am nothing like what you would typically associate with adhd (you know the hyper-activeness) so during my next visit to the doctor (im getting treatment for my depression) i mention to the article to her and she said wait you know what describe how you feel in a classroom setting growing up and is there anything you do that teachers complain about repeatedly and tell me how studying and doing homework is like to you and so i did (i can go further into details of my life since a lot contributes to why i only get diagnosis when im 21… let me know if you would like to know i guess?)

my doctor (who just so happens to be an adhd specialist and is quite active in the research area i didnt know before then we stan forever i love her really she is so encouraging and so good at her job) took some notes as i was talking and after im done she said you know what i think you might be onto something but i cant be sure yet (since i have depression and dyslexia which both overlaps quite a lot with adhd/add) why dont i first explain to you what adhd is and i’ll give you the set of official diagnosis questions you dont have to do it just take a look at it first do some research organize your thought talk to your parents about it and if you think getting a test on it is something you want we can set up another appointment and we can go from there - which is really really nice because adhd has always been a taboo at least with my upbringing it makes you a loser socially academically and you know just in general its not something you will want to have….

in hind sight there are SO MANY SIGNS even in early childhood how come no one notice i dont know prolly because i grew up in the 00s if you are different you need to kys lmao rip:

trouble paying attention in school or work,

the appearance of not listening - although im an audio learner funny enough

avoidance of activities that require sustained focus,

being easily distracted

restlessness

fidgeting and cant sit properly - i shake my legs or click my pen so much especially when im thinking or anxious lmao, i got into trouble a lot when i was younger because i only sit in my seat facnig the teacher 5 mins max at at ime then i move around or i move the chair around i think better when i cross my legs but i went to a uniform school and i always make my skirt too short so you know

interrupting - if i dont say what comes to mind when it comes to mind, the thought is gone forever

frequent talking and talking way too fast - i get the exact same comment every single report day class from when i was 4 till i graduated high school im not even kidding “she has excellent comprehension skill and reading speed. it would be great if parents can help her out a bit in maths or chemistry. she has a lot of potential if she applies herself, she seems distracted although when we ask her questions she can answer. very helpful and bubbly and yet she talks too much in class. she is not disruptive and her seatmate never complains but she just doesnt stop talking. we have been pairing her up with quiet students in class in the hopes that she will talk less in class but she just turn the quiet student talkative”

trying to do multiple things at once - i cant do one thing at a time, even when im say writing a paper i need to be listening to music or talking to someone if not switching between tabs or word files

mood swings

hyperfocus - oh boy oh boy oh boy

impulsiveness - i dont know if i get better as i age or is it getting worse i just know how to clean up my mess lmaooooo

poor time management - although i would say ever since i start listening to stuff 24/7 it really helps build a sense of the passage of time or whatever? its like now i know ok by the time i get to the third song in the shower i need to be washing out my conditioner; or say i need to go somewhere in 40 mins which is really abstract to me i set timers and put on a show thats 35ish mins even tho im not watching it just so im aware of time is actually happening if it makes sense

fail to follow through - i start things and once i have it figure out in my head i struggle to put it down in words or explain it to others i work well with other adhd peps tho

doesnt follow instruction and only do stuff their way

burnout - this is the worst especially if you are a perfectionist or a control freak and guess who is both

trouble coping with stress -

i luck out because im canadian and my doctor (in my schools clinic) just so happens to be a specialist who is very passionate about helping undergrads and grad school students to achieve as much as they can - so doctor and diagnosis for me is free. i do have to pay for my medications out of my pocket for a bit since im on vyvanse (to treat both my adhd and depression-lead anxiety its complicated but it makes sense when my doctor explained it to me lol) and this drug isnt covered by Pharmacare (CAD $130ish for 3 weeks worth of 30mg, im mostly on 30mg but on days when i dont have work on stuff or go to school i take 20mg just so my anxiety dont cause me to explode lmao) and very expensive but recently my doctor and i have agreed that vyvanse really work for me and it is something that i should be on daily for the foreseeable future we applied for special authorization which means i only gotta pay the tax… of course medicating isnt a must but it is what works for me and we figure out a way to make it affordable so i cant be more happy about that

at the same time i work with my psychiatrist to you know configure the whole adhd thing cause you know 21 years of repressing and forcing your feet into a shoes that not even your size frick you up thats something people dont tell you 🤷🏻‍♀️

what my doctor said to me then stuck with me - she told me adhd or add really is no monster or flaw in fact it is a very valuable set of traits we inherit from our ancestor - we hate it now because modern society render these skills useless well you see adhd isnt all about the hyperactiveness you see in the media people with adhd are extra sensitive to their surrounding and prefer hands on experiences (today we call them distracted) they are always aware of the change around them and is capable to attend to a couple things at a time and act fast because their brains are always making sense of things even when they arent consciously doing it. in todays society we dont want these kind of people why? because they ask questions they are curious people who notice trivial stuff that dont contribute to productivity they cant sit still which makes them not the ideal factor workers or pupils BUT! you have to remember that industrialization started like a century ish ago before that our ancestors live in predominately tribal society - adhd people then are the perfect caretakers and protectors, why? because they are always noticing things they adapt and react fast… so yeah it kinda suck for us growing up in a system thats designed to be everything we are and it is something that need to be changed but for those of us who “made it out alive” especially people who only get diagnosed in adulthood more often than not they look back and realize they have developed so many incredible ways to cope to make things work - are they always the perfect way? are they always health? no definitely no but at the same time it shows you how incredible these people are they make things work yes things are really hard sometimes but you got to give yourself a pet in the shoulder for not giving up… with the help of science and research we now know a little more about how adhd affect people we now have medication and programs developed to help people with adhd - they arent to dumb you down or numb you but instead it helps you to focus better so you can actually hear your entire thought and not just phrases or sentence fragments

#i rambled but i hope my personal experience give u a slight idea of how adhd/add manifest in others? but like i said medicating is not the #only way i think talking to people with similar experiences is helpful too even tho they might not be able to offer you professional medical #advices not feeling alone or that you are a weirdo is so important people talk a lot of about how poor self image among adhd ppls are common #and i think the social pressure is def one of the things that make it worse #i dont know where you are but if you are still in school #i guess talking to a trusted teacher or like social worker would be a good start they might be able to point you to more local and accessibl #resources.... and i mean you can always talk to me im very new to the whole actively combating adhd and not just cope with it but you know #sometimes you just need someone to hear you rant about stuff and im always here... i might not be able to reply fast since im in my last #semester 😳 and school is killing me lmao but ill try to response as soon as i see it :)))#ask #anon

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kosmicdream · 6 years

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Hi I’m Kosmic. I draw webcomics and my webcomics are really long sprawling huge cast ones that will go on for years and they’re non linear and all this stuff that makes ppls heads spin when they try to explain wtf they’re about. I ask myself this question a lot: How the fuck do I maintain this motivation for continuing projects that are honestly, probably bigger than i can possibly feasibly create??? How do i avoid swallowed up by anxiety of my own creations???? is that energy going to run out at any time? should i be worried?? Well! For some reason I... don’t? like i get winded sometimes but in the end, I actually quite like what i do and I don’t care that it takes literally years to make my stories. but when I step back and look at it objectively it does make me scratch my head and wonder how i came to be in this situation. So, sometimes i try and write a few things that help me with understanding my own process, for whatever reason. Or at least I’ll TRY to articulate some of the things i seem to tell myself again and again that help me feel very comfortable with my writing/creating process. So if you want an insight into tips that i give myself.. this is that!

TIP #1 - Everything you Plan will take longer than you planned, but you can make it easier by unexpectedly including information you might have otherwise withheld.

Secrets are cool in your stories. I have so many of them, but I also understand that they’re much more fun to share than to always keep locked up and out of knowledge. I often overshare to the point where ‘info dumping’ happens which is often considered an unattractive quality in comics. But IDM it so much because my comics just need to be drawn and you can’t glorify and hold every flaw over your shoulders when in the end its not going to be that big of a deal. I think its better to give out more information than finding reasons to bend around a story to avoid revealing things. I feel it might even be more obvious if you attempt to do that.

Also, I feel that everything planned in a story can happen quite quickly, and feel much shorter than actually drawing it. Even with the experience ive gained, i still am surprised just by how much i must throw out to make my long scenes shorter and snappier. even then, they are still really long scenes. I don’t mind doing this, I like to make my stories this way- but ive also designed my comic to serve this pace by making my pages less intensive physically to make. I’m not going to go in depth about this as ive already discussed this many times before, but I do think its important to understand that generally, a commitment to a comic is going to be bigger and longer than it appears in your mind or even on paper as a script or thumbnails.

(my comic eggshells, for example, was originally going to be 340ish pages long. but back then, my pacing was much different-- and my pages were generally twice as wide with around 15 panels per page..sometimes more. but i would over-render and make them hard to read, and now i draw very few panels per page and my comics are much ‘longer’ in page count.)

TIP #2

-Accept that your ideas are bigger than what you can draw and enjoy the private context and history of your work without feeling like its less accomplished for not being all out there. Validate yourself but also understand that your readers are not going to understand the depth from your perspective and they will be engaging with the view they’ve been exposed to.

This is kind of a complicated one but I think that its both humbling to accept your work as this multi layered experiences of contradicting perspectives.. theres the planning and your engagement with the goals, the work of translating your creation to others and the vulnerable exposure of these ideas to the audience. As the creator, you get to see things in a very unique way that no one else can but... the one feeling you will never get to see is the audience who has no idea what will happen next. You can anticipate it, but in the end its so vast and unpredictable that it will be impossible to judge what they ALL will FEEL and sometimes? their perceptions can alter your own enjoyment of your work. I guarantee it will change it in SOME way.. that’s part of the sacrifice.

TIP #3

-Allowing change, flexibility and growth into your series- and letting go of control over all facets of it.

As time goes on things just change. Its hard to accommodate or prepare for that kind of investment in your work when you feel like you havent even gotten through the starting gates of your story. Comics are particularly difficult for that because once you draw a thing, it takes time to edit and you cant really undo and go back. Each panel informs and builds on the next. You have to use what’s there and figure out how it can be a structure for the future.

Accepting the past that has helped create the situation and platform of your comic in the present, which will lead into the future. Personally, i’m not a fan of retconing* certain decisions that have been already made into the canon-- however, i think if a new conclusion or idea is discovered in the process of writing and it works to include because it creates a new and alive energy in the work that will help push it to the next stage.. i think that’s very helpful and useful for sustaining the growth and motivation in a story. Making choices like this can be tricky, however, but even small ones can give a lot of natural growth and flexibility in the comic. The problem can often come with letting go of that unseen, unrealized version we had intended. I know for myself, i can get very nostalgically attached to old ideas but-- if i think of something better that works or makes more sense, I’m always thankful to let go and let my stories grow into a better thing. I try to remember where it came from, however. Because that helps inform me where to go.

(*generally my definition for this is altering events of the past, certain core plans of the comic, character motivations, or facts that are connected to the worldbuilding. im kind of a hoarder so once its in the story aka on a specific page-- its not going anywhere. until then things can be up in the air. for example, the characters knife and spoon were not originally intended to be mutually in love and it was more of a one sided idol worship, but as i fleshed their characters out i realized that it was mutual and it changed and altered the story because of that. now it cannot/will not be “undone” for whatever reason bc this is.. an established fact in the story. but at one point, it was not! i hope that makes sense.)

SO TO SUMMARIZE... plans will always be “”bigger”” in the ever expansive space of your mind so also dont be afraid to get to the point sometimes even if it feels a little, like. less exciting than you thought? accept your story is going to be different for YOU vrs your audience and make peace with that disconnect even tho its disorienting + upsetting sometimes & accommodate the ~natural personal and artistic growth~ you will experience and let go of things that might be holding you or your work back from improving with you. but also dont try to cut out too much of the past because.. it is what helped you get to where you are right now? focus on the present & allow growth for the future, dont try to alter the past and pretend it didnt happen. bc that will be confusing as fuck for everyone involved and also probably hurt the story more than help it. esp if its a long one. ur building a tower dont pull out too many foundational blocks and try to make it too much of something else unless its growing there on its own.. u kno?

When I try to write these tips these are just things I find myself doing in a cycle as i create that seem to keep re igniting my passion for my story again and again. It makes me curious because it also is a very instinctual thing so I thought I might try and write it out!!!!!!!!!! ENJOY.

ALSO some bonus thoughts!!!!!!!!!! I will say that I’ve never completed a long format comic series, so take it w/ a grain of salt imo. HOWEVER...I probably will, eventually. Even if I don’t, I do enjoy writing really big ones and I feel very happy with the work i do on them! and still feel no inclination to move onto other things. Or even when I work on other things, I don’t have a feeling of dropping a story entirely. (for example, i still intend to work on my older series eggshells and don’t really feel a desire to ‘quit’ that story even when i have matured as an author/artist since starting it.)

When I read really long comic series I wonder a lot of internal decisions that happen out of sight, since the timeline of a comic that you read is so much different than the timeline it takes actually creating the thing. its so easy to write/plan/form ideas for lifetimes of work that will never be realized, so what is it that we actually get in the pages? What aspects of this author are we actually seeing? how much have they grown since beginning and what about the story we will never know? I know I’ll never know, because, I am only the reader! And as the creator, I will never know what the feeling of my work as the reader. or the cool and interesting things they predict will happen based on their perseptions, which are so different from mine. Yet!! we are all engaged in the same story unfolding, never fully discovering what its like on the other side but only getting little glimpses and thats fascinating how a story is almost this vast illusion of experiences maintained by so many different minds.

Long format comics captivate me because they are just, really time consuming to make and the pacing of them are so different and less consumable than other stories. They like become.. this place you live in! Why are they my favorite to enjoy even when its natural that, when a story becomes longer, its going to end up attracting more & more issues? Why do i Not care about resolutions to long stories sometimes bc my expectations for them are different?? (also lets face it, experience writing long stories is going to be different than writing short ones because it takes time to write longer things & we are not going to have as much experienc having more than one completed super long multi-act-multi-characterplot story vrs a bunch of smaller ones. it doesnt mean its EASIER to write shorter ones, if anything id argue its probably much harder to write good short things + isolate a story down to that focused vision than making tons of long ones that avoid endings) but..yet!! here i am...

why am i constantly drawn to trying to understand long format stories when I probably could improve faster by writing shorter things??! i dont really know! but i follow my heart and my heart likes to do things this way......

anyway, this entire post is mostly inspired by the fact that many of my favorite stories started before i was even born or have been going on for decades and i wonder if we’ll ever read the endings to many of them.... would it.. matter? they’ve already inspired me so much even without a resolution because i can imagine my own endings to things.. but in the end that is not what happened in the actual story. it was only in my mind.. and yet it never happened, and was an illusion unknown to anyone but myself.....and sometimes my favorite stories are my favorites because of the things i imagined them to be, rather than what they actually were or how they actually turned out.. i dont know how this happens..... but i wonder about what this means with my OWN comics, and how my perceptions of what they could be vrs what they are is like, this weird illusion that also exists only in my mind and no one else can see it. yet we are both looking at the same thing. and i want to know what others see and i never will get to??? ....stories are......... so fucking spooky!!!!!!!!!! AHHH!! ok thats all. thx for reading

#personal #comic writing #ffak faq

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videostak · 3 years

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also i deleted that post yesterday i rb’d abt dick rot because even tho all our dicks are gonna rot eventually i didnt wanna spread stuff like taht that made ppl seem like dicks were useless n stuff and i noticed alot of the comments in the notes were ppl saying stuff like “i saw this coming” and trying to make physical media seem useless and we obv need preservation of all these things for when their physical counterparts eventually stop working but that post along w/ the notes made it seem like it is only a matter of years before all our CDs jusst die or smthn lol which isnt tru i think. like aside from a select few pressing mistakes that are well documented your not in huge risk of dick rot when buy CDs and from my experience purchasing its onyl really laserdick that u should expect to experience affects of rot from but thats only mainly w/ used ones that werent taken care of at all or v early laserdicks like from late 70s/early 80s so its not smthn super common and i havent really experience any first dick rot aside from w/ some laserdiscs i bought that were already in bad condition lol. the closest i got to experiencing dick rot on CDs was when i got that german b2 unit CD but ive listened to that a ton cause thats one of my fav albums and the lil rot inside doesnt seem to be getting any bigger and its never skipped even on my dickman which plays the dicks at a slower speed. inevitably it will rot but idk if anytime soon. so mainly i deleted the post cause i didnt want ppl to think all our CDs our gonna die by 2030 or smthn stupid like that lol. i mean i purposefully go out of my way to by older CDs and early pressings and ive never come across dick rot ever on CDs so ya. its obv gonna happen one day but in the far far far off future and i dont think its not smthn im gonna experience first hand but i manly rb’d the post to support digital preservation especially in regards to video games n stuff a la pro-emulation but i didnt like the ppl in the notes acting like physical media sucks lol cause im love physical media and how personal it feels to use ^_^ also one last thing abt laserdick dick rot is that laserdick is weird cause it gets affected in this way where u can still watch the movie n everything and it wears down like analog mediums do where there’s just distortion like vhs so it doesnt even render the dicks unwatchable lol

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prosecutorkoryos · 7 years

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so uh I haven’t touched this blog for a while but I wanted to describe the most terrifying experience of my fucking life that happened while playing Subnautica

few clarifications: I last played this game like, September 2016. IT HAS UPDATED SIGNIFICANTLY SINCE THEN. I also decided to play it on “creative mode” aka “invincible fun time mode” because I just wanted to ~have fun and explore the new stuff~, you know?

So, I haven’t kept up with the updates. The story bit of the game has bulked up significantly since I last played, and there’s much more direction now if you want it, which is nice; the icons are all cleaned up and such, a lot more stuff is textured, the cyclops can apparently be lit on fire, yada yada. I went ‘sploring and found a couple new faces, an electric eel type boy and a warp warp man. (Ultimate goal is to go up and scan a reaper but I am still???? too scared??? i literally cannot take any damage in this mode but the deep and ancient part of me that remembers being prey on the serengeti says DONT)

(subnautica is very good at VAGUE ANXIOUS ENVIRONMENTAL FEAR while also being very lovely to look at, and really grinds deep into the gray matter of Terror of the Deep, it’s very very good and I hatelove it)

anyway I started taking screenshots of the koosh zone while exploring/picking up samples for my soon-to-be-ultimate-creature-zoo, because this game can be very pretty

anyway after digging around a bit i discovered a TRENCH. i did not screenshot the trench because i did not realize i was about to have to fight for my very existence on this good earth.

did i enter the trench? of course I entered the fucking trench. there’s no crush damage in this mode and the game told me there was some sort of Big Energy Signature nearby. Down I went.

....and went. For 6000 meters. NOTHING. Except a kind of shelf at one point that I went and got under. (this minor detail is going to be crucial)

anyway at 6km i decided fuck it, i’ve held down on the s key for like 5 minutes, if i’m gonna plumb these depths i need to come back with my big boy sub. so i went back up. got to 3000 meters.

hey remember that little shelf i went under well turns out it was a ROCK CEILING 3000 METERS DEEP and i had gotten so turned around in the plumbing process that I couldnt fucking find the way out, it was all barren rock ceiling, no way back up even when i searched around and around and probably criscrossed my own path trying to map out featureless rock, i was boned as heck

OR.... WAS I....

said my own thoughts, because i happened to have in my possession a TERRAFORMER and as all good subnautica boys and girls know that thing can dig big ol holes in rock.

so... trapped 3000 meters below solid rock... i did what any sensible extrastellar refugee would do and decided to TUNNEL MY WAY BACK UP

leaving my trusty seamoth behind, i began to tunnel.... about 2000 meters through solid rock, in complete blackness, clicking frantically in the darkness, probably crying

(listen, i had some good eggs and scans in my inventory and i didn’t want to LOSE them by resetting, you gotta understand)

about 1km from the surface, i finally encounter open water!! i’ve done it!! i thought, foolishly, to myself. i brought out my seaglide and began to zoom up only to find

1. this was not open water

2. this was a cave

3. this was a giant cave filled with lava

4. subnautica has LAVA CAVES NOW???

5. the game was perhaps not totally sure about my method of getting INTO said lava cave, and didn’t seem prepared with some of the textures

by the way, IN ADDITION TO IT BEING A GIANT LAVA CAVE, there were like... structures down there?? which again I was not prepared for because I have not played this game in like 6 months?? but the textures wouldn’t load?? so I just got these really scary ominous unknown pieces of architecture that i was in no way prepared for and had no idea how they were supposed to look?? and everything was red?????

also because the textures weren’t loaded it was extremely difficult to tell what you could pass through and what you couldn’t, so i was basically ping ponging through invisible walls and wanting to cry because i tunneled 2000 meters thru solid rock and i was gonna die in badly rendered hell anyway

did i mention also, the noises

did i mention that there were a lot of VERY DISTRESSING SOUND EFFECTS IN THIS CAVE

and then, through the invisible walls, i saw the friend who was making them!!!

it’s hard to tell from this screenshot but that is a VERY. LARGE. BOY. TOO LARGE.

at this point ya boy koryos was basically like ready 2 ascend from this mortal plane. what is going on. WHAT AM I LOOKING AT. VERY DISTRESSED. ALSO WHATS THT THING IN THE CORNER

ok so i stopped trying to penetrate the invisible walls eventually and tried to burrow my way out again except APPARENTLY you cant burrow through LAVA which was STUPID anyway i was still very trapped

but i explored a bit and found....... this??

insert fuel crystal???

this mystery device bore all the hallmark of a Lazy Concept Sci Fi Warp Gate which was exciting to me because by god i was ready to be anywhere but there, in hell. but i didnt have a “fuel crystal” and it definitely wasn’t part of the game back in the center. But no problem!! This is creative mode!! I can just build a base down in hell!! A hell base!! Where I can craft anything I want!!!

so i made a base and a fabricator but uhhhhhhhhhhh there was no “fuel crystal” on the item list. so at this point it had been like an hour of desperate sweaty anxiety and i was like fuck it, i’ll console command it in, i just need...... freedom...... (without losing any of those good good scans)

anyway i looked it up and got the ~oddly pixelated crystal~, which powered up the warp

please... just take me somewhere that’s not red... that’s all i ask......

what

SO NOW IM HERE

“HERE”

THIS WASNT PART OF THE GAME IN SEPTEMBER, I HAVE NO IDEA WHATS HAPPENING AND IM STILL SCARED

anyway i believe i accidentally stumbled on some plot because i found a “control room” set to deactivate the “weapon” but a tentacle boy didn’t want to “deactivate” it because i was “““infected”““

mind you im still fucking... 69 m under the water.... 69 huh? i just noticed that in the screenshot nice

ANYWAY I WAS STILL TRAPPED LOST AND SCARED IN ALIEN HELL

anyway to make a long story short after getting lost about ten more times i FINALLY found an exit to the neon labyrinth and nearly cried when i saw my bud warp warp man outside

now that i was outside i could finally appreciate the fact that this shit was dope as hell, look at how cool that is, I LOVE MYSTICAL RUINS AND SHIT LIKE THIS

also it was connected to an island???? i thought subnautica was all about not having land???? anyway let’s just drop a beacon for later i need to get back to my fucking base and lie down to contemplate the ether for 6 hours

READY TO GO

100% SURE IM READY TO ESCAPE THIS NIGHTMARE

and so i survived the incident in which i was never in any actual peril, both in a real and virtual sense, but was still very distraught and very sweaty about, 10/10 would recommend subnautica to a friend

anyway i went on tumblr to soothe myself afterwards which was a MISTAKE because the monteray bay aquarium reminded me that there is no escape from the eldritch horrors of the ocean

THE END.

#subnautica #subnautica spoilers #i guess #help me #long post #im sorry #i have slept 2 hours in the last 24 i don't know who i am anymore but the ocean is scary

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starwarslegacies · 6 years

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Survey Says, Part IV, Finale

For the past couple of weeks I’ve been trying to get people to fill out a survey which I do 1-3 times a year, these often do have impact in choosing how the sim moves forward. Bit behind on these results like many other things!

Believe we’re on question #10

10 asked, Events: What do you prefer? (Can choose more than one)

78% PVE, blend of combat and story

63.4% PVP

63.4% PVE, primarily story

58.8% Social, Pazaak, Racing,etc

31.7% PVE, combat focused.

Can see above we have a fairly diverse player base in what they like to do. We’re a bit short on storytellers right now so if you or someone you know may fit that role, do let me know.

Then #11 asked “ What social event would you like to see more of?”

By far the favorites here were Swoop Racing and Fights. The downside to swoop racing is that everytime someone loads into sim it causes a few second delay for everyone, but if people are willing to deal with that we can definitely hold more races. As for the fights we have a “Pit Fighting League” under construction in which people will be able to earn credits by having sanctioned matches which they can do at any time and submit logs (though limited in how many they can do). It will also have tournaments and champions. Every fight done can potentially increase someones placing within the league to lead to bigger prizes at the end of the season. Still seeking some help managing this. Pazaak didn’t get as much love but we do like doing those as they are an easy social thing to throw together. Some of the other answers included a desire to see more tech rolls in the events, then someone mentioned more like Sume’s Valentine day event, then someone even mentioned music. We’re open to ideas and do support players who want to run something.

Last thing we asked was #12: Any other general thoughts you'd like to share? Please keep brief/to the point.

Lot of responses so I’ll select a few without getting redundant.

“Ensure that the system you have in place does not need certain players online. I.E, Ive been trying to get my Imperial I.D, and cannot. “ - Anon#1

I think this was fixed so that there is an automated version?

“ I’d love to see the trash piles spawn more often and/or give out more resources. This is invaluable to new players, as gaining credits was quite tough for me and many others at first. The trash is a good way to start up from nothing, but I feel it should spawn slightly more than 1-10 Credits or 1 crafting resource; especially with how rare they are right now. “ - Anon#2

I agree, been asking Renward about this type of thing but he’s been very busy.

“ when chars are arrested very little if any rp is done after the initial arrest. No interrogation. No release. This needs to change. “ - Anon#3

I find captures are often very hit or miss.

“ I have never RP'd anywhere else before and this is the most fun I have had on Secondlife so far in 11 years. The main draw of this sim to me is the amount of people who actively use it. I could not see myself RPing in a sim with a low amount of active players. Getting new players and retaining old players is the most important thing to me. I have no real ideas on how to do this though. Good luck!” - Anon#4

Thank you, we do our best with that, sometimes more difficult than others but we’ve been able to maintain for around half a decade, let’s go for a whole one :d

“ I loveloveLOVE the build but I noticed it's very graphics laggy. I also noticed that while you use teleporters to essentially skyboxes with the building interiors, those interiors are still directly behind the building facades. If you moved them out of draw distance and spaced them out, the sim would be a lot easier to render for everyone. Less lag, higher framerates, more fun! “ - Anon#5

The reason I do tend to do this is I find if something is out of cam range, people are less likely to enter, you do give a valid argument though and will consider further.

“ Having mentors/mediators would be really helpful to take a lot of the load off the staff on sim. So then they can focus on the cool stuff, like building the lore, and actual problems. “ - #Anon#6

Yeah, would like to find a few more.

“ I'm concerned about the system being an element that pulls players from the immersion of their RP. As medical personnel i'm also still concerned with the 'reset' feature on health causing individuals to not be prompted to seek medical attention for their injuries. It is a handy system for varying stats, offering abilities and providing a more structured combat basis but it would be helpful if there was an easier application for it than typing in commands. If there were an attachable HUD for the Chimera available upon entry to the sim which offered either buttons for Chimera options or a drop-down menu to choose from it might help expedite system use in combat, speed up combat, and make the experience more enjoyable overall. Spending hours in combat can sometimes be exhausting and take away from time desired for other aspects of RP. “ - #Anon7

Post this, we did take action about the reset button and have taken a few other steps as well to increase realistic recovery from injury and people using medical services. May still see more in this area.

“ With regards to conscent, reasonable right to life and consequence. Dont do something that would get you arrested, and deny consent. “ - #Anon8

Yeah, would agree on that, you may see changes in that area very soon. We’re behind on many things we’d like to do.

“ I feel like I’d personally be more invested if there was more for the Jedi to do. So far all we have to do is be captured or whatnot. It was fun for a bit but I think a lack of leadership for a while has made it hard. I hope this changes soon. “ - #Anon9

It is a difficult era for Jedi players, we knew that going in but we wanted to try something different. We are always shaking things up though so you could see things evolve in the future.

“ Lot of trolls get into the sim/rp. Gets a bit annoying. Might just be an issue all over SL, though. “ #Anon10

It is, but I find “trolls” are fairly easy to tune out/ignore/etc. The only time trolls have power is when people take the bait and react. They usually knock it off once they know it doesn’t get to you. To use my own example a few used to give me a hard time for engaging in sexual roleplay, they would take pictures and IM me these pictures. I laughed, and just got more lewd, like who cares? and they stopped making a thing of it.. so I just find trolls pretty easy to ward off or ignore. Always more concerned with those who create and stir drama than I am with trolls. Drama kills sim dead, trolling is just irritating.

“ Well , if you ask to me , there should be much more various social events .. Also before the events such as pazaak there should be courses before he game night so people could have an idea about what they are doing . About the groups , you shouldnt bring some strangers as directors , you should pick them from the group according to their activeness. Also you should appreciate or make a system to appreciate employees such as [redacted] employees .. I have been in group for two months i think and i am still security guard. No rank-ups .. And i have been coming online and standing as a guard almost everyday . Thanks for your patience and reading this. Good luck about the sim.. “ - #Anon11

If there are those who have been active and also have leadership ability then they will be. Having the skills needed for leadership is not something every active player has. This could be because their temper is too short, or maybe they do not work well with other group leads to be able to create interactive roleplay, or maybe they just are lazy or a variety of other reasons. If we have someone who handles lead roles well, yes, at times they will leap frog if there isn’t a suitable candidate within X group.

“ If there is a time jump done, people need a way to get the most out of the 5+ year missing time. Something to encourage them to write up story for their characters for that time. After they've done so and handed it in, could lead towards special rewards for their character or the player. Something to think over. “ - #Anon12

I very much like this idea if we ever have one of those. There currently is not one planned but like I’ve said, we’re always willing to change and adapt to do what’s best for activity.

----

DONE. Thank you to everyone who filled it out, really enjoy the feedback as it helps us figure how we can improve things for you all.

#SWL #SecondLife #StarWars #SWRP #Roleplay #Coruscant

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julucid · 6 years

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update on a previous log a little way back---not a dream but it kinda unsettles me a bit

the drawings you showed me in the dream looked EXTREMELY similar to the stuff you've been working on now. i didnt record what i thought about them when you asked (and now i regretted that my curiousity's been killing me) but i remember feeling proud of you growing yet sad that you're moving forward at a pace that i cant keep up with

sometimes get dreams that are short with no logical explanations or dreams i deem too personal too add even if no one really ever reads in the end them besides myself. even if they're rightfully mine, i still feel like im violating an unspoken thing i need to hold on to but it just ends up holding me back from referencing dreams that creep me out when they later on manifests irl in some form.

instead im more comfortable with it being the opposite, real life being rendered into dreams, or the past talking to me. i dont like accepting the fact that dreams could be showing me something that ill eventually experience again irl, where its even harder for me to see the purpose and intent behind them. or that maybe SOMETHING somehow is sending them to me for a reason. at those times i feel that the dreams are controlling me rather than having the upper hand since im the one who CREATED them in the first place. i feel that in the end theres no point because they will just keep coming and i will gladly swallow all that i could get because i cant cherry-pick and choose the dreams i decide to pay attention to---i wouldnt know the difference until i just realize, ive already seen "this"

even though this makes me wanna amp up the effort and double time on logging, half of me is still skeptical because it could just be another version of dreaming.... mere illusions ive created for my waking self.

but hey, the good part of this is: i can finally physicslly see something ive seen in a dream as many times as i want LOL its not the realdeal technology im forever hoping for, but ill take it.

#null

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kosmicdream · 7 years

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Flight or Fight Drawing mode

for me, i think there’s always this restless feeling that comes when working on comics. That feeling that time is running out or not being utilized to its fullest degree. You are aware of how much more there is to go in your story and can calculate the progression of your journey, but only the present. As you keep going on your story, the circumstances change, and it is always this fluid process you cannot fully accommodate and plan for.

I know in the few years since I started drawing FFAK my expectation for myself and my work has changed tremendously. Its something i reflect on a lot, since i forget how not too long ago, I felt like i was somewhat incapable of producing a comic because of the way i enjoy to write and explore stories. I still think fundamentally, FFAK reflects that raw unedited version of my writing and creative skills in a unique way that I doubt will be replicated again (in the same manner) even as i explore and work on other stories. FFAK just carries this certain kind of momentum of forwards and backwards both at once. You stretch all over the place and peek through small doors to go in strange places. Growth is difficult to gauge because of the way time is handled in the story. Goal points seem endless and bleed together from my perspective. There’s always so much more to go and so much planned that when you make accomplishments they feel sort of like a bunch of tiny small steps in many different directions. And honestly, No one is more impatient than i when it comes to waiting to share this story than me. I am always biting my nails and wanting to get it out faster SOMEHOW even though I work on it constantly as it is. FFAK is no longer just.. a random comic idea i started on a whim that I felt i would only dip my toes in and never actually attempt making. and now it really has consumed my mind like a wildfire. it is also my fireplace and my home in my heart and my peace. I don’t even think I could ever fully be prepared for and handle such a thing but I am glad to have it in my life. But as the haze.. shock? of starting this project starts to fade i find myself fully committed and trying to evaluate the steps and process i take for this comic as a whole. I think its interesting how 2ish years of planning basically gives me enough time to know what sort of story I’m doing. But I am in no eager rush to finish it because my excitement for it only grows and feels more satisfying the more i write and plan. Part of me gets upset I don’t blast pages out the “same” way anymore, even though i appreciate the exploration of ‘putting more effort’ into my drawings. Instead of drawing thru 20 pages a night I’m polishing like, 2.. or 4 a work night. Its kind of annoying!! because I’m not really one for polish and editing (or maybe I just never believed myself capable of doing it in a way i liked? lol) but.. it just feels like the right thing to do right now. it feels almost impossible to ‘rewind’ myself or go back to like, thinking things in a different way than what i try to do now. by attempting more things visually it kind of makes some things easier too. im often pretty surprised like “hey alright that came out ok. i guess i can push myself a little bit more next time to make it look better!!” I think about my early eggshells pages a lot and how i labored over like.. 15 pages over an entire year and felt miserable and in the end, often over rendered + lost clarity and energy and now i just get what i was doing ‘wrong’ to make it not fun for myself. Like, even when i was offered advice at the time I wasnt so welcome to it nor did i understand it, its like I had to suffer a bit before I was able to understand what I needed to do with myself lol. The lesson feels much more impactful after discovering it for myself too on my own pace imo. SO i am thankful for how that turned out! Then i broke down my art to its most base level (earliest ffak pages) and i’ve just been rebuilding myself back up since then and now I’m attempting things I didn’t even think I’d be able to do -- or be interested in. (like color, for example, has never been something I was too interested including with my comics but like.. blammo here i am doing it anyway now.) anyway. its really cool, this art journey thing. i kinda wonder how long ill coast on this certain part of it before i like, end up doing an unexpected detour again. Maybe I won’t..? i dont know!! FFAK is so raw and alive it makes me happy i get to make it and do whatever i want in it. I always wanted to make a comic that I could contribute to on a day to day basis rather than something you just make so you can get it done asap and move onto the next thing. When ffak does eventually finish I wonder if it will be really hard on me. I look forward to its ending because its really neat but it is not a world I want to let go of so quickly. Even tho i have several other stories I’d like to do.. (and have started a couple already LMAO) I think about that expectation with ending stories a lot and completing projects. Most of my very favorite comics have yet to end despite going on for decades.. and when i think about that too, it almost feels very strange. Readers generally want closure to reflect on their experiences reading something so endings are that important ‘release’ from that fake world and time you participated in it. But when i ask myself what I want to do for endings to my story, i try to contemplate my favorite endings to stories ive read/watched/experienced to figure out what i want to do with my own. Since.. its my story and my satisfaction with it is really going to be reflective of what I like. Everyone interpretes ‘good’ endings differently and like, clings into diff parts of what makes a satisfying story so its important to isolate what elements you find are important to try to replicate that in your own work. But like.. its hard to see what kind of ending you’re going to make before you make it???? And making the story is a difficult thing to let go of vrs just being funneled all the stuff. Maybe my ‘ffak reader’ half of me will be satisfied but will my ‘ffak creator’ side be happy? Will i feel fufilled on both parts? I mean an experience is going to just be an experience.. i cannot manufacture or control it to be anything than what it will be so to think about it too much is probably only going to go in circles. It certainly has changed me a lot as a person and an artist. WHich is disorienting b/c im also introducing my work to everyone while not also knowing myself completely. (not that is ever fully achievable but, its been something i get forced to confront a lot.) When I work on this project I fight so many demons of my own life, chase ghosts of my heros that i feel are so beyond my ability, and stare down the illusion of my own reflection of what kind of artist i want to be every time i draw a new page.. I’m never going to really be that reflection, and my heros will always be my heros and they’ll always do things I cannot, but I wonder what kind of creator I look like from the outside?? from a person who isnt me. I cannot experience myself as a ‘reader’ but I try to pretend I am seeing myself as one. And the most exciting thing about myself, from that outside perspective, is that I am not sure what I will attempt next or what strange journey i will write about. I am happy that despite every difficult thing I have been through, I am still excited and having fun with my art like I have only just first attempted to draw. Soon FFAK will be three years old and (likely) 4000 pages by then.. I still havent gotten to write and draw out things I planned the very first day, but now I know roughly how the story will end (without actually getting to draw it yet, of course.) And i’m just anticipating the future while knowing that...i have no idea what it will bring!!! O_O (one thing is for certain i hope to fuck my house doesnt burn down again because, istg, that fucking SUCKED!!!!!!!!) Wooh.. well. i just felt like sharing some thoughts since i just got done re-reading some of ffak and feel a bit overwhelmed with emotion.. Thank you all for sticking around and experiencing this comic with me..! :’3 -kosmic

#personal #just some ART THOUGHTS #of ART THINGS #ffak misc #art stuff

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gooeyguy · 7 years

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email to my teacher (warning alot of personal stuff)

Hey so, sorry to email you out of nowhere like this? But i feel like maybe im finally at a point where i can explain more thoroughly why im having trouble with school or just succeeding in general. I think its really important that i tell you some of this junk because theres a chance it might make the rest of the year easier for you and me.

I wanted to start off with apologizing for all the trouble ive caused you throughout the year with the annoying comments, disruptions and backtalk. And most of all the terrible ability i have with doing and turning in work.

This email is mostly to explain my situation and reasoning for acting/struggling the way i have been (not to annoy you or be sarcastic).

Alright so, if you havent noticed i struggle with some things and one of them i never really bring up is ptsd. I have been diagnosed and im hoping to enlighten you on my specific issues with it, (everything i mention will apply to me as to make it less confusing from here on)

I have a specific type of ptsd called Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD; also known as complex trauma) This type of ptsd is different in that it results from repetitive, prolonged trauma. My causes for being diagnosed are specifically natural-detachment from my mother and physical/sexual abuse growing up and some other things im not going to mention.

My side effects from this are,

Attachment – "problems with relationship boundaries, lack of trust, social isolation, difficulty perceiving and responding to other's emotional states, and lack of empathy"

This is strongly linked to my reactive attachment disorder and explains alot to why i am the way i am. Heres a link to a website http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/mental-health-reactive-attachment-disorder#1 that explains a bit of what it is so that i do not have to make this already long email that much longer, i would also really appreciate it if you read even just a little.

I have an extreme lack of trust in others and am constantly doubting myself, there is not a second of the day where i dont think im a horrible person, i could be doing better, im disgusting to look at ect. The social isolation is a big problem for me, because im “this way” i feel that bothering others with my presence/problems/medical difficulties ect. is not necessary and for the better. Hence why i refrain from asking when i really need help, im scared to bother you. I dont want to make you angry and i know you and mrs mumford are already so stressed by the time my bell starts.

Biology – "sensory-motor developmental dysfunction, sensory-integration difficulties, somatization, and increased medical problems"

This ties into my Fibromyalgia and eds which ill explain more about after i go through ptsd. Its all kind of one big mixed bag of disorders that tie together and make me the way i am.

Affect or emotional regulation – "poor affect regulation, difficulty identifying and expressing emotions and internal states, and difficulties communicating needs, wants, and wishes"

Like i talked about before i feel extremely useless and annoying when asking for help or even talking about the things i enjoy. And when trying to explain my difficulties i stop midsentence or forget words/forget what my problem is and it becomes frustrating.

Dissociation – "amnesia, depersonalization, discrete states of consciousness with discrete memories, affect, and functioning, and impaired memory for state-based events"

THIS is what i blame for never being able to remember anything. With fibromyalgia i have whats called “brain fog” and with the constant dream like state im in because of dissociation it makes my memory absolutely terrible. Remembering your names in class took me until almost 3rd quarter and it was utterly embarrassing(i still forget sometimes), its even more embarrassing when i forget basic buttons on the calculator and have to ask in front of everyone looking like an idiot.Or when i try to shout out an answer in class and it comes out gibberish because my mind is everywhere all at once, Or when we have a test on the formula we learned a week ago, and of course my mind draws a blank. I cant remember, and it makes me so frustrated with myself that i want to break down right there in class. It renders me doing weird things too, like the other day i put the icecream in the bread drawer, and on sunday i woke up and got ready for school. Theres alot of other things i could say but its as if fibro is laughing in my face.

Dissociation in my own words is feeling like nothing is real, things dont feel like they happened. What does feel real is the pain/feeling in my body, i am a very anxious and jumpy person so im very sensitive to loud sounds/touch/weather and certain (triggering) talk among students. And yet i still feel in a daze,My vision will sometimes blur and i am very prone to falling/accidents, staying focused can be extremely frustrating because my brain feels like a cloud, its almost uncontrollable like a dream. I dont think anyone can control those very much so i think its a good example.

Behavioural control – "problems with impulse control, aggression, pathological self-soothing, and sleep problems"

Im pretty okay with impulses, i of course have alot of very impulsive thoughts but i am good at controlling them id say, same with aggression but i very much so struggle with sleep problems because of nightmares from ptsd and chronic pain from fibro, i have not been diagnosed with insomnia but im sure i fit the criteria im just really bad at opening up with doctors/people ect.

These are just a couple more symptoms to help explain,

Cognition – "difficulty regulating attention, problems with a variety of "executive functions" such as planning, judgement, initiation, use of materials, and self-monitoring, difficulty processing new information, difficulty focusing and completing tasks, poor object constancy, problems with "cause-effect" thinking, and language developmental problems such as a gap between receptive and expressive communication abilities."

Self-concept – "fragmented and disconnected autobiographical narrative, disturbed body image, low self-esteem, excessive shame, and negative internal working models of self".

Alterations in relations with others, including isolation and withdrawal, persistent distrust, a repeated search for a rescuer, disruption in intimate relationships and repeated failures of self-protection.

Loss of, or changes in, one's system of meanings, which may include a loss of sustaining faith or a sense of hopelessness and despair.

Variations in consciousness, including forgetting traumatic events (i.e., psychogenic amnesia), reliving experiences (either in the form of intrusive PTSD symptoms or in ruminative preoccupation), or having episodes of dissociation.

Changes in self-perception, such as a chronic and pervasive sense of helplessness, paralysis of initiative, shame, guilt, self-blame, a sense of defilement or stigma, and a sense of being completely different from other human beings

Now that im done explaining the ptsd, Fibromyalgia

Fibromyalgia is a chronic pain disorder that my doctor believes to be linked to my other disorders, Fibromyalgia has to do with the senses we as humans all have, feeling, hearing, taste, and sight. The difference between someone with fibro and an average healthy person is lets say theres a knob for how strong each of these senses are, so imagine someone taking all those knobs and turning them all the way up to max sensitivity. Youd think oh cool youre like a super hero (like my sister likes to say) but no its the exact opposite, it does not benefit me whatsoever. Feeling, paired with ehlers danlos syndrome both my joints and my muscles are constantly in pain and some days ill have what you call a “flare up” which is where getting out of bed usually isnt an option for my body, i cannot remember the last time i didnt feel at least a dull ache in my head, i get migraines at least once everyday and unfortunately i get nauseous so i dont eat very much . Almost everything is irritating to my skin, a simple light rub of my finger on the top of my forearm is irritating and raw feeling (like ive been sitting there rubbing the same spot for hours) /Writing is over all painful, including typing as well/

If youve ever woken up in the morning with sore muscles from pushing yourself too hard the day before,that is how the muscles in my body feel, if you press on them they ache, and sting/burn when i use them. painful touch for most of my body paired with constant anxiety of getting bumped into/touched is stressful and tiring. On a good day my pain scale is a 5 from 1-10 but thats if im really lucky.

Then theres the weather, if im too hot and i start to sweat, the sweat stings my skin and i end up going into a frenzy of scratching and agony. If its too cold my joints will start to lock up and become painful, its like they freeze and when i move them it feels like im shattering ice in my hand mixed with dull muscle ache. If its a good temperature theres still the feeling and i swear, the sound i can hear of my joints grinding together like two pieces of rubber being rubbed against eachother slowly.

Hearing is also bad, loud sounds are very irritating to my ears and will cause my migraine to get worse.(Talking too loud)Other irritating sounds, paper rubbing against paper roughly making that blblblb sound, high pitched noises of any loudness, squeaks, repetitive beeps ect.

Sight wise turning on lights abruptly is painful and makes my migraine worse, any bright light in general.

Taste doesnt really matter so i wont mention, but because these knobs are turned full blast it means the nerves and pain receptors in my body are being over worked constantly by my brain

And my brain thinks its doing its job by constantly acting like ive been running triathalons.

The recollection of pain comes in avalanches of distress for me. I usually experience the intense turmoil of fibromyalgia in the winter, or whenever cold fronts shatter the air and its frail victims. My limbs cannot contain the strength possible to function during those cold spells. Fibromyalgia’s lengthy sentence comes and goes for some, but, as a teenager, it’s disheartening. For the rest of my life, I will never be able to remember living without every waking moment marked by pain.

The abnormality of fibro weighs on my shoulders when I’m asleep, awake, or anywhere inbetween. I wake up at 4:30 each morning in order to be shuffling around by 6:20 a.m. The heaviness of my body pulls me down and pains me as I take a shower, put on my clothes, and put my small backpack on my shoulder to head out to school. Any sense of touch creates extreme levels of pain for me. Touching my arm, poking my leg, and brushing against my back hurt as much as twisting my ankle. My distraught reaction is a lot like a dog crying in pain and distrust after you accidentally step on its paw. Because im always in pain im always right next to the emotional breaking point, im always on the verge of tears. The smallest things can make me break down.

The pain prohibits me from being a teenager. Thanks to fibro, I cannot dress up in my favorite clothes and be what you call “Extra” everyday as i so much wish to be during the winter. My hands are crooked and shake too much usually to apply makeup. I struggle with applying eyeliner, because my hands hurt too much wrapped around a brush. The uncomfortable school chairs make me weep when I return home, because they destroy my concentration, forcing me to focus on the overwhelming pain I feel. I used to excel in school, but now, I can barely think fast enough, and come off as ditzy. I feel like I’m constantly struggling to maintain the fragments of my intelligence I lost due to fibro medication and fibromyalgia itself.

My GPA, became my ball and chain in school, rather than an accomplishment worth sharing. During the year, my schedule is dictated by the weather. Cold weather causes agonizing, excruciating pain that races down my spine and branches through my limbs. If a cold front passes, rain falls, snow falls, or temperatures drop, I freeze like the Tin Man, except there isn’t any oil to move my joints. The way I get sleep should be considered a torture method. Many people feel refreshed or renewed when they wake up after 8 hours, but I feel completely restless and exhausted. And thats if the nightmares from the PTSD dont interrupt. I toss and turn for hours in pain, because the pain signals interrupt the sleep cycle. I cry intensely whenever I think of sleep; school usually means a lack of sleep, but I am further deprived without choice. My biological system cannot allow me to rest, and continues to tense my muscles in a constant state of flight or fight.

With most schools starting at 8 a.m., my body struggles to run on 8 hours of sleep (which really feels like two). The exhaustion prevents me from hanging out with some of my closest friends. In the early stages of having fibromyalgia, I used to be able to do school clubs, hang out with my best friend, and go to cons with my friends often. Now, I spend my time huddled down, trying to make up for the nights of lost sleep. The lack of sleep and the endless pain contribute to extreme depression. And to keep my mood relatively happy i act like a goose in school with friends which doesnt do me good with teachers, I do it to not break down and let myself get too low around others because i know id regret embarrassing myself like that more than anything. The pain yearns for my thoughts to leap toward suicidal thoughts, and I was obsessed with death for years and still am. There was a time when I searched for ways to end my life, because nobody could help me and I couldn’t face living the rest of my life knowing that I’ll always be in pain. I still have these thoughts, and I believe I always will as long as I emit pain. Hence why i was in the hospital for a week recently, the hopelessness and embarrassment is dragging me down. The whole idea of having fibromyalgia embarrasses me. I’m embarrassed that I am constantly being called crippled, disabled, or chronically ill.Or worse not being noticed at all while struggling. I’m embarrassed that fibromyalgia makes me feel like I’m 67 instead of 16. I’m embarrassed that I will never be able to be an artsy beat poet like Patti Smith, or a rock ‘n’ roll guitarist like Keith Richards.

So i think thats as much as i can cover for you right now with my two of my biggest problems , im extremely exhausted and im not joking when i say my fingers feel like they are gonna fall off haha.

Im terribly sorry for how long this email is but i think i got most everything with these two topics in there, also dont feel obliged to reply to this, im already embarrassed i even wrote all this down (terribly).

Quick thing i would like to say before i end the email, with all respect i am not looking for sympathy in any way. I am simply stating the way i am in hopes that if you understand itll make things less stressful for me and you. So dont feel like you have to do anything for me.

Thankyou for reading if you got this far, really. (btw forwarding this to Mrs. m******d is totally okay with me)

#i was up at 2 am writing this #its kinda gross #but it explains so much

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