#im like oh these people say it Might respond to treatment so maybe im just not trying hard enough

[riftcollapse]

im scared of Not Working again but also TBH i think im realizing now due to this shoulder issue that ive been struggling with similar levels of disabling pain but just as a result of POTS from working this job no matter how much i wear compression or take salt tablets or beta blockers or ANYTHING. so um. i think being that much of a physical detriment to my health is worse for me lol

#original posts #i need a tag specific for me wailing about Mysterious Illnesses #sick thoughts #<- yeah sure #i always undermine that POTS is like actually bad #im like oh these people say it Might respond to treatment so maybe im just not trying hard enough #<- he has tried every damn trick in the book and it's still disabling to the extent he wants a wheelchair

[docholligay]

Divided by Four: Twenty-Seven

It was sunny and clear, but not overly hot, and Tracer sat, her legs crossed, as she sat atop a box by the hangar, watching the plane pull to a slow stop. She closed her eyes and turned her face up to the brightness of the sun, grinning brightly with the joy of it as she practically felt another freckle spring across her nose. It was going to be a wonderful day, and she rocked forward impatiently as the joy of it overtook her. 

She heard the large, heavy door swing open, and jumped off the metal box, hands in her pockets as she rocked back and forth impatiently. An overly large and intensely human gorilla, wearing a light blue t-shirt with sunglasses tucked int he pocket, stepped cautiously down the steps of it. 

“Win!” Tracer bounced across the tarmac and leapt into his arms without a moment’s thought, “So glad you come, oh, I can’t believe you’ve never been to London, love, greatest city in the world it is, greatest city in the world. And its beautiful today, innit? Not a cloud in the sky, and that’s not every day, love, London must ‘ave showed its best side for you.” 

Winston said nothing, only chuckled and hugged her tight. 

Tracer jumped down from his arms, breathless with excitement. There was so much, a person couldn’t possibly see all of London in one visit, but she had prepared a tour of what she felt were the highlights of it, which would surely be tempting enough that he would come again. It was hard to resist London, warts and all. There was something about it that got into your bones. 

“‘Ave the whole ‘oliday planned! Things I thought you might enjoy, Science Museum, right, maybe a picnic in the park, seeing as it’s so lovely, but of course we ‘ave me family--” 

“Lena,” Winston shook his head, “It’s your birthday. Why would you plan it around...I mean,” he adjusted his glasses, “It must feel...important. After.” 

She shouldn’t have had another birthday, that’s what they all said, should have been lost to time, should have died, should have been an inescapably shattered husk of a human being, should have been all those things, but she wasn’t. Tracer was born under a lucky star, and had made it back, and she had lived, and she smiled happily in the sunshine on a London summer afternoon. 

It had done its work, she supposed. It had ripped her away from the stream of time, and left her with a chronal disability, which wasn’t even an ability people had known you could dis until Tracer had done it. It was true that it had been incredibly painful, that the stress of her loss had very likely killed her father, and that she’d been left with PTSD and stripped of her pilot’s license on top of it all. But she had met Winston, and he was a wonderful friend. She was a field agent, uniquely useful and helpful. London was healing, because of her mission in it.

Nothing was all bad, really. 

Besides, the PTSD had responded beautifully to treatment, so really she should stop counting that against it. 

“And what could be more thrilling and important than introducing someone to London?” She tugged at the edge of her brightly colored shirt, printed with tropical fish, “I know you said you didn’t want any fuss, but I think you always say that, and seeing as it’s me birthday I decided we need to for oysters, though, won’t spoil me birthday tea with the family.”

“Your family will want to see you without me--”

“Oh no, it’s very important you come to that!” Tracer was bouncing about, nearly vibrating as she continued, “Family’s only met you an ‘andful of times,right, and mostly about the bug jar, love, that’s no fun at all, now is it? They’ll just love you Win, ‘aven’t met all of them--course you know Parvati, and me uncles, well some of them, love, oh you’ve never met me Uncle Clive! Parvati’s dad, right? Just lovely. Met Aunt Lily, but not ‘im, gets ‘er coloring from Clive, Parvati does, though,” she laughed, “suppose you might have figured that, ‘aving looked at Lily, and at Parvati--oh you’ve never met me other cousins! Ollie’s--guess ‘e prefers to be called Oliver now, what’s that for--suppose Ollie Oxton is a bit of a--”

“Lena.” Winston put a hand on her shoulder, smiling, “It’s okay, I’ll go.” 

“Terribly excited to ‘ave you. It’ll be a bit different from last year, course…” 

Very suddenly, in the way her mind sometimes worked, Tracer felt a great well of sadness rush within her. In a way she hardly had for the rest of the day, excited as she was for Winston to come, she felt the absence of her father. He’d always made breakfast for her, on her birthday, but she’d lit out of the house so quickly that it had slipped her mind. She still couldn’t bear to move into the master bedroom, and so nothing had seemed too different, as long as she never stopped moving. 

Tears sprung to her eyes. It was always an annoyance to her, the immediacy and depth with which she felt things. She supposed it had its lovely parts--joy lit her from within quick as a firework, excitement showed in every molecule of her body, and those who loved her most found it very charming--but for an instant, it was as if she’d lost her father all over again, knowing there would be no sloppily-wrapped, but deeply considered present, no kiss on the head and a smile. 

She cleared her throat, and wiped away a tear. “Sorry.” she gave a weak laugh, “Forgot I was an orphan for a moment, turned me into a bit of a big girl’s blouse.” 

“I--I’m sorry, Lena.” 

She took a deep breath and huffed it out, closing her eyes and tipping her head to the sunshine again. “Well. ‘appens to all of us--most of us, at least, don’t it? Way of the world. ‘E would ‘ave ‘ated me ruining me birthday over it, besides.” 

Winston took the moment. “He sounds like a, a good father.” 

“Oh, absolutely!” Tracer’s eyes sparkled brightly again, the sunshine peeking about the cloud, “You’d ‘ave liked him, Win, everyone did--well--I suppose that can’t possibly be entirely true, but most of them, at the very least. ‘E’s the one taught me to fly, and I told ‘im, I did, that one day I was to be the best pilot in the world, and it turned out to be true, didn’t it, at least for a time---suppose Gunnar’s the best pilot in the world, now? Being only as I don’t ‘ave me license, or I’d win it back from him.” She stopped herself and nodded, trying to slow the stream of thought. “Dad was so proud.” 

She paused a moment. God, but the sun was beautiful that day, but not too hot. Maybe it was only coincidence, but it could be possible, somehow, that the beauty of the day was a last gift her father gave her. If it was possible, he certainly would have tried.

“It’s true, don’t you think, that so long as people remember you, there’s still a part of you that’s not really gone?” She was asking Winston, but also herself, but also the air. 

Winston nodded. “I think that’s nice.” 

Tracer returned the nod, grinning now. Death could take a smile from her, but only for a moment. “I’ll show you the East End. I think all Oxtons just become a part of it, when we go. I won’t go to ‘eaven or ‘ell, assuming either place exists.” She led him by the hand. “I’ll just stay ‘ere among the pigeons! I like that idea, I think. Nothing too fancy for me, thanks, give me the smell of a fish shop over a choir of angels. I wouldn’t ‘ardly fit in, really.” 

She giggled and jumped along, Winston hardly knowing what was happening but delighted by it all the same. 

“Let me show you where you’ll always find me.” 

[tigerdrop]

Cringe is dead, talk to me about the funny half-life men and their relationship

okay here is my essay. it is titled These Guys Actually Like Each Other, and Gordon Freeman Is Just Kind Of A Dick*

(disclaimer: these are just my 2 cents. dont take me too seriously! im just some guy online who has watched this shit too many times.)

first things first. these guys actually like each other. this is a key aspect of their relationship. benrey, obviously and textually, digs gordon freeman - you dont flirt that heavily with guys you arent into, and so much of what he says and does is geared around making gordon crack up. thats pretty gay.

but the counterpart to this is that gordon freemans pretty fucking gay for benrey, too. you may say, “oh, but word of god says its not requited!” and to you i will say: bull shit. gordon is uniquely obsessed with benrey compared to all the other characters. if gordon didnt like the fucking guy, he wouldnt giggle with him and share in-jokes with him and bring him up every 5 seconds when benreys not around. thats concern, bro. thats worry. thats real shit

but i cant blame people for thinking that gordon freeman genuinely doesnt like benrey. benreys partially responsible for some of the worst things that have happened to him, the Arm Thing among them. and gordons very insistent afterward that he doesnt like benrey. he even goes so far as to try to kill benrey a couple times. to this, i must argue that gordon freeman is just kind of a dick.

lets talk facts here. canon. Lore. from the moment we hop into gordons shoes, we can see that he is a jerk to every npc on his way into black mesa. this is his default: a dude who just runs his mouth and says rude shit. he calls tommy a freak within 5 minutes of meeting him. he infantilizes the guy and barely considers him a real scientist. he doubts that bubby is a real name for like no fuckin reason. in “real life”, this is because its funny, and wayne is trying to make a funny half-life stream. in a textual sense, this is because gordon “hlvrai” freeman is a dick. this is the way he acts, consistently, throughout the series.

(brief aside: this is why the whole “gordon is a nice guy and a great dad” characterization baffles me. the way he actually acts in canon is, in short, bitchy and lacking in self-awareness. and i love that for him, i really do. it makes the moments where he just tries to be a nice guy stand out. but thats the thing: his intermittent moments of decency and kindness are not the whole of his personality! this dude kind of sucks most of the time!)

the way that gordons general asshole attitude extends to benrey is complicated. in fairness, benrey makes it his job to annoy the shit out of gordon as much as possible, and that warrants a negative attitude, but gordons pretty paranoid and ends up blaming benrey for nearly everything that happens to him, regardless of if its warranted. this is a pattern he exhibits both before and after the Arm Thing. its a little bit of a dick move! especially considering that, prior to the whole “betrayal” subplot (which was not exactly planned very far in advance), benrey is no more malicious or annoying than anybody else gordons having to travel with.

(okay, this is kind of a subjective evaluation, but still. my point stands that benrey is not any more of a hindrance to his progress than anybody else in the science crew, and neither is he particularly more violent or murderous. hell, gordon freeman has probably killed more guys than benrey. benrey just tends to get.......special treatment.)

all that said, i am still convinced that gordon really fucking likes benrey. please consider with me the following: it would be remarkably easy for gordon to just ignore him and do what he has to do, but he doesnt. he could stop engaging. he could stop thinking about benrey. he could stop bringing benrey up to the rest of the crew every time benrey leaves to do his own thing for awhile. but he doesnt. and, again, yeah, the extra-textual reason for this is “two guys are doing an improv comedy thing and bouncing off of scorpy is kind of the point”, but within the text it reads to me as gordon not being about to get the dude off his mind.

and this is in addition to all the times we see gordon being genuinely nice and receptive toward benrey! its in the little things: laughing the hardest and longest at benreys jokes. only ever reciprocating that stupid underwater “BBBBB” thing with benrey. trying to catch benrey when he falls, despite his insistence moments earlier that benrey should hop in the wack ass crystal generator and get hypermurdered. fondly remarking that benreys sweet voice sounds beautiful. his sort of flustered responses to most of benreys overt flirting. none of this is the way normal people react to a guy they hate. this is all fuckin gay to me, man.

its this combination of the outward insistence that gordon hates benrey with his inner eagerness to be around him and think about him and engage with him that gives off strong “repression” vibes, to me. for whatever reason - pride, embarrassment, resentment - gordon maintains a front of hating the guy and wanting to kill him for a lot of the series, but it doesnt gel with the way he fucking giggles and plays along half the time that benrey starts fucking with him. its a game, and that game is one of the only ways gordon knows to manifest affection for him.

(remember “oh my god, hes got a knife!”? that was the gayest shit i ever seen in my life. tittering like a schoolgirl while benrey chases him around like “im gonna get you haha”. insanity.)

the cool thing about repression is that you can have it manifest in a lot of ways! and this is where things like “headcanons” and “my own personal affection for repressed bisexual men” come in. a lot of how i characterize their relationship is an extrapolation of a lot of things like gordons canonical insecurity issues/anxiety, gordons whole anti-bootboy thing screaming “internet wokeboy who means well but probably has a lot of repressed baggage” to me, etc.

how do you get massive amounts of sexual repression out of what you see in canon, you might ask? well. if wayne would stop having gordon talking about being jerked off by the suit, or talking about chugging a 40-gal drum of potion and having to hold his piss, or worrying about being eaten by benrey the moment he sees benrey at setscale 10, maybe i would have a higher opinion of gordon “hlvrai” freeman and whatever latent psychosexual issues hes got going on. but here we are

i havent even touched yet upon how benrey feels about gordon. this one is helpfully made a little more plain by the fact that benrey very much wants to suck his dick in canon. (i dont even have to go into details. we all know.) but IMO the best part about this ship isnt just that they dig each other, but how. benrey gets overtly flirtatious in the second half of the series, but IMO his preferred method of flirting is just fucking with gordon: chasing him with knives, shoving him around in a bathroom, trying to get scans of his feet. but all in like a slapstick, giggly, fun-and-games sense, you know? at least when it works.

a lot of the time, though, it doesnt work out that way. he clearly just likes doing it whether or not gordon responds positively. which is, you know, Weird. not very nice. but also in line with the way everybody else treats gordon freeman. gordons kind of the universes chew toy in any given universe, and the same holds true here. hes kind of helpless......subjected to 4 demons attempting to make his life as difficult as possible. in a way its cathartic.

sorry. i got sidetracked. anyway, benrey very much likes to mess with him and unnerve him and demean him and i will be perfectly frank with you: that is hot. i have problems and illnesses and one of them is that i am a masochist who goes crazy for that kind of thing. calling gordon a “dirty lil boy” and telling him to “look at the mess [he] made” is some straight up kink scene shit.

i like to imagine that a lot of this behavior isnt caused just by the guy who played him wanting to be funny and antagonistic, but by benrey as a character not really understanding what constitutes “pushing a joke too far”. hes not human, and whatever he is doesnt have a very normative way of understanding the world around him, full of people who actually get hurt for real and die for real. benrey expresses what seems to be genuine surprise and distress after the Arm Thing, as if he didnt know that his actions would have serious consequences. and it doesnt seem to fully sink in afterward, either.

it reads a lot to me like hes used to video game rules and treating people around him like NPCs. if they get hurt, its no big deal, because its not real. he likes jamming random buttons on gordons interface and seeing what comes out. its probably a lot of fun for him, the same way that seeing a streamer or a youtuber suffer for our amusement is fun. its like, you know, in my opinion, gordons very cute when hes frazzled. hes also cute when hes laughing. pushing gordons buttons has a 50/50 chance of either of these things. and this is how he ultimately flirts with gordon: by pulling his pigtails.

but at the same time, benrey does legit care about gordon and knows some boundaries. benreys the one most often shooting at enemies to protect gordon, and he spent most of the last act trying to convince gordon to turn around and not fight him because they were friends (best friends, to be specific). he just lacks a lot of the emotional intelligence it would take to express the feeling of “he digs gordon and likes seeing his face get all red and sweaty regardless of the cause”. and gordon lacks the emotional intelligence it would take to express the fact that he doesnt know if he likes or hates benrey and hes scared as hell that its the former

because, lets be real. unironic benrey-liking is a sign of problems disorder. just look at all these words ive written about it.

can you imagine? this bizarrely powerful, non-human entity that can shrug off gunfire and grow to the size of a building has decided that youre his new plaything. benreys the bored guy booting up skyrim and fucking around in the console, and gordons the hapless favorite follower that hes taken a liking to. its a really fun dynamic IMO

after all this, its safe to say my title is a little misleading. the asterisk stands for * and So Is Benrey, Actually. they are both kind of awful dudes who thrive off of teasing each other and they deserve each other. and i am crazy about it. thank u for coming to my TED talk

#asky #careposting

[bedtimebrain]

EXO Baekhyun: Cry for Love Part 2

Just here to give a warning on the ending before you get started!! (ref to a/n in part 1!)

Part 1

Let’s go!!!

Characters: Baek x you

Baekhyun finds himself falling for you, but feels he cannot be so selfish to put the burdens of dating an idol upon you. In an attempt to control his feelings, he tries to stay away from you

That night they got to go home early. Reaching home close to 11, Baekhyun decided there was time for some computer games before sleeping.

After taking a shower, he quickly turned on his desktop, setting all his gaming gears ready. Realising his phone wasn’t with him, he went out to the living room to search for it.

‘Ah, found you!’

As he was about to head to his room after picking his phone up from the sofa, he caught sight of your gift that was sitting on the coffee table. 

He can’t help but feel really conflicted, taking a long look at it.

After a good while, he forcefully shook off those feelings and went back in to get started on his game instead.

‘ARGH! what a bad form today’ he took off his headphones and threw it on the table. Ruffling through his hair, he was so frustrated at himself. No matter how he tried, he just couldn’t keep you out of his mind.

Not having the mood to play anymore, he switched off his computer and crashed into bed.

--

In an attempt to push you out of his mind, he busied himself with work every single day for the next few weeks. Every free time he had, he decided to fill it up with more practice, more work instead.

But he had worked so hard (just to forget you) that his immune system gave up on him. He was eventually excused from work so he doesn’t spread the virus to the members.

And the worst thing of it all? It gave him ample time to think about you.

He thought about the way you smile, the way you listened to him when he shared about anything, the way you looked, so attractively, when you made your coffees. Did you think about him? Did another oppa come by?

Sighing, he got up from bed and decided finally to open the gift you gave him from a month back.

The following day, he woke up feeling much better.  But for the whole morning, he felt this annoying nudging inside of him to go see you. No matter what he did, that feeling just wouldn’t budge.

Did y/n put a spell in the tea she gave me or something. 

He was almost going mad from thinking about you. 

Giving up , he told himself 

Just once, I’m going to drive by and look at how she’s doing. That’s all. Then when I see her being all the same, I’ll finally forget all about this, and convince myself I’m just another customer in her daily life.

The journey to your cafe seemed faster than usual today. His heart was beating so rapidly but he kept telling himself over and over 

just once, doesn’t mean anything

and my heart’s just beating fast because im not completely recovered. Yep, sick people get exhausted easily. 

When he had reached , he park his car where he could get a good view of you. 

He was tempted to get out of his car but his mind was in chaos.

they say coffee helps with headache. Maybe I should get one in case I get a headache at home later right?

Then again, his logical self told him

Ya, Byun Baekhyun stop making up lame reasons. Just stay here.

As he was being wishy washy with himself in the car, a customer had arrived at the cafe. Dashing his hopes of having a private time with you.

Perhaps it was fate that he should admire you from his car today instead.

After getting a satisfactory treatment for his love sick heart, he drove away feeling like a small boy being fed with ice cream.

—

After that visit, it only got harder and harder to stay away. He returned again and again.

But he wasn’t the only one. 

There too was another man who kept returning to your cafe, and today was the fifth time he had seen the man, which really annoyed him.

But what position was he to do anything?

I’m telling myself that I cannot have her as my girlfriend but on the other hand im getting irritated she might become someone else’s girlfriend?

He thought of a crude but relatable phrase he heard from somewhere:

I’m really just wanting to ‘hog the toilet bowl without pooping’

His train of thoughts came to an end as he arrived at the company. After getting his car parked , he went to the meeting room where they were supposed to gather.

When all the members had arrived, the staff who was in charge of the album preparation started running through the day’s agenda.

‘Okay guys, we will be doing an additional MV for one of the side tracks. It would be an autumn special MV.

Since it’s an autumn concept, we will be mainly be doing outdoor shoots. There’s only 1 indoor shoot which will be at a cafe. Anyone has any questions ? If not we will start briefing on the storyboard’

Baekhyun wasn’t able to focus on the meeting. What was he supposed to you when he’s so drawn to you but yet wasn’t sacrificial enough either to be okay with seeing you happy with another guy. In fact, it made him scared to lose you when he never had you in the first place.

Baekhyun ah, let her go. It’s good for you and her. Stop visiting her, it only breaks your heart and at the same time make you desire her more. It’s impossible between the both of you..

By the time he was a little more settled with himself, the meeting had already ended.

‘Okay, that’s all we have today. It’s Thursday today... Alright, We will start shooting on Monday since this is quite a spontaneous idea, we might be a bit back on time. We will start with the cafe shoot on Monday at 10am, only Baekhyun and kyungsoo is involved for this as the cafe is too small. We will update the rest on the schedule later.’ --

4 days passed and now he is standing in front of the cafe for his shoot. Reading the signboard ‘Wendy Cafe’.

For the dramatic effect, he even blinked his eyes again to make sure his eyes weren’t playing tricks on him. What in the world was this sorcery called fate... It felt abit weird for him to be here for work when he was normally here for his romantic pursuit. It got him into a little of a panic and shock when they alighted from the van.  He wasn’t expecting to see you, since they normally made sure the set was cleared completely for set up before the members even arrive. Though his heart felt it would really be nice to see you, he also heaved a sigh of relief that he doesn’t have to think about what to say to you since you wouldn’t be here.

Entering the cafe, kyungsoo and baekhyun greeted everyone politely and got ready for the set with the help of their make up artists. 

‘Annyeonghasayo Baekhyun ssi, Kyungsoo ssi. I am the director for the MV, Lee Taemin’

Quickly getting up, they bowed politely and returned the greetings.

‘Could I just explain the set to the both you right now?

So basically in today’s set one of you would be a barista, and one would just be a customer….’

The director trailed on with the briefing,

But there was something bugging Baekhyun. Baekhyun could swear there was something really familiar about this man; like he had seen him somewhere before. But he just couldn’t recall exactly right now.

‘Ok, We will have kyungsoo ssi as the barista and Baekhyun ssi the latter. A real barista will be coming in later to help you out kyungsoo ssi, don’t worry’

Finishing his brief, the director turned to leave. Then it finally clicked in Baekhyun’s mind.

Oh gawd, he’s the guy that keeps visiting y/n

Thinking it through, it now absolutely make sense.

When he arrived, he was thinking how were they even able to find this cafe for use?

He thought to himself, surely you and Director Taemin must be really close if you were willing to let your shop to him for use. 

ah, but im sure y/n would let me use it too if i had asked.

He can’t help but feel a little salty instinctively. 

Suddenly across the room, the director exclaimed

‘Y/N you’re here!’

At the sound of Director Taemin calling your name, his heart skipped a beat and he immediately turned his head around to find you walking through the door. And was absolutely taken away

You were not in your pony tail or your white button down shirt with a black apron. You were not in the plain make up you normally put on either.

You came through the door wearing a mid length denim skirt and a white v neck with a green khaki coat that ended at the bottom of your skirt. Your long hair sat nicely at the front of your coat.

Though he had seen a fair share of cute, pretty and sexy girls in the entertainment industry, you somehow still took his breath away. 

As you moved across the room with Taemin, his eyes unconsciously followed where you went. Till when Kyungsoo shook him, was he finally able to tear his eyes away from you.

‘Baekhyun ah, I was talking to you , were you listening?’

‘Ye Ye, what did you say?’

They went on discussing about some of the other schedules they were to be having, until a familiar voice caused him to freeze.

‘Hello, I’m y/n, I’m the owner of this shop. I heard Kyungsoo ssi would be the barista actor? I’ll be the one teaching you later’

Kyungsoo looked up and greeted you politely while Baekhyun was still in a daze.

Seeing how he didn’t respond, you greeted him with a bright smile

‘Hello Baekhyun ssi’

Without waiting for Baekhyun to respond, you asked Kyungsoo to follow you to behind the kitchen now as there wasn’t much time to learn.

Watching you and kyungsoo walked away together, he mentally hit himself in the head. 

oh shucks she must think im a real jerk now. Making friends with her, then not coming here for months and the next time we meet i didn’t even greet her. 

Argh kyungsoo, give me my time with Y/N.

Though he was feeling a little lousy about the situation, he knew there was nothing he could do about it. He sat at corner table inside the shop while waiting for his scene set up to be completed.

Looking at you and kyungsoo, he had a monologue with himself 

though i really like her, i should probably let her go. the smile on her face, though i am confident i will be able to give it to her, but what if i bring more sadness than happiness?

The both of you having fun made him so jealous. He started imagining you with another guy, you with Taemin? He hated that feeling so much, but he had to accept this. He told himself, he must.

About 2 hours later , he was done with his shoot and all could break for lunch. Over lunch time, you and kyungsoo stuck together as time was tight. Kyungsoo couldnt practice using the coffee machine earlier when baekhyun was filming. 

Not once did you look over at him or even seem to think about talking with him. It was as if you guys were strangers.

Ah, great, this is how it should be like. She’s better than me at this. While i’m over here suffering about how to forget about her, she seem to be getting along just fine. She’s completely acting like she doesn’t know me.

Not being able to stand being around you anymore, he annoyed his manager hyung to drive him back to the SM building first. Coming up with some crap excuses that were questionable. But his manager hyung still sent him back since there was still time to spare before kyungsoo was done.

On his ride back, he set his resolve to let you go but he told himself 

no matter what, we were once friends that could count on each other. i don’t want to end up hurting her, and making her lose more hope in friendships. 

I’ll go back tonight to find her.

--

At about 5.30 pm, kyungsoo sent a text message in their group chat that the filming has ended. Receiving that intel, he got ready to head off to your café. The production crew would need at least another half an hour to pack up anyway. He had ample time to get there.

As perfect as he had planned, when he arrived, the café was already cleared of the production team, but the lights were still on. He knew you would still be cleaning up after everyone left.

Out of courtesy, he knocked on the glass door, causing you to jump in surprise instead. Smiling at him, you beckoned him in.

‘Why are you back here?’ You asked while sweeping the floor.

‘It’s been a long time, isn’t it nice to see each other again?’ He asked casually, but he could feel his palms sweating already

You looked up at him and smiled without replying as you continued cleaning up.

‘So how are you? I’m sorry I haven’t been here for really long, EXO’s comeback is coming soon we are really busy ….’

Before he could even complete his sentence, you cut him off

‘Yes I know. It’s all on twitter and I watch your group’s vlive too. I know you guys have a lot to prepare and are really busy. Don’t have to apologise’

Though he knew you truly meant what you say, it broke his heart a little. He wasn’t really sure what to say anymore. But he wanted to ask this since the start

‘Why did you rent your place to be an MV set? Did you know it was for EXO?’

‘It’s just a favour I’m returning to Taemin ssi. He only told me it was for EXO when he asked for my help last week. But anyway, it’s really nice to see you being serious at work. Now I know why you have so many fangirls~’

‘Are you my fangirl now then?’ Baekhyun asked and waited expectantly.

‘Why? Are you going to give me your autograph if I said yes?’ You put aside the cleaning cloth and washed your hands while replying him jokingly.

‘Anyway, I’m done, shall we go?’

You grabbed your bag as you asked. As you walked right passed him, he reached out to grab your arm without even thinking.

Hesitantly, he started

‘Hey actually, I came today because I have something to tell you’

Staring right into his eyes, you replied

‘I kinda knew it already. Why would you suddenly come back here after not being here for so long. And the fact that you’re here at this hour… You’re definitely not coming here as a customer right?’

Looking at him with a hard expression, Baekhyun was surprised to see something other than ‘manners’ or indifference on your face after all this while.

‘I’m really sorry. I don’t even know how or where to start. I really liked your company, the friendship we had meant a lot to me. But as we got more comfortable, I don’t even know when... but....to be honest..

I started falling for you. I didn’t know what to do, can you understand this?’

He loosened his grip, letting your arm slowly slip out of his hands.

‘Remember the day you gave me the gift? I went home feeling so conflicted. I want us to be together so bad, but I know I can’t even promise you a regular and peaceful life, much less a stable relationship now. The weight of dating an idol, how could I put that upon you? ‘

‘You’re right, I could never carry that weight’ you reply came through like a stab to his heart.

He broke his eyes away from you momentarily. But you continued,

‘All this while, I thought I had done something wrong when I gave you the gift. I wondered why you didn’t come back, I thought we were friends, that’s why I even mustered up courage to get a present for you. But you never came back after that. I thought could it be that Baekhyun ssi started finding me weird like all my bullies last time? Was I over doing it? I asked myself that every now and then, worried that my desire to want to be friends with you may turn you off instead.

Sometimes when you tell funny stories, inside I thought how cute this guy is. When you were serious, I thought even though you’re so cheeky on the outside, you’re a man inside having to carry so many burdens. I wanted to say more, do something for you all this time, but I was worried about so many things.

Eventually when you stopped coming back for a while, I felt heart broken. 

But I used the time to think it all through. What did I want with you? A friendship? Something more? And I decided it’s best to not desire anything at all. I could never handle it if one day I want something more that neither of us could give each other’ 

Though you tried so hard to control, tears rolled down your cheeks. It hurts him to know he was the reason for your tears. 

He reached out to wipe your tears away, and you let him. 

‘Baekhyun ssi, I… I’m sorry too’ 

Overwhelmed with emotions at all the confession and looking at your beautiful face that leaned against his hand, he couldn’t hold back anymore, He closed the gap between both of you and gave you a kiss on the lips. A kiss so light it barely lasted a few seconds.

Heart beating fast, he pulled away slightly, his face still so close to yours. ‘I’m sorry for being selfish right now. But I want you to know this is how I feel.’

Before he knew it, your lips pressed against him once again. Briefly, then pulling away, you pushed him away, putting some distance between the both of you.

‘Me too. But Baekhyun-ssi...

Sometimes love isn’t about possessing, but giving

So I’ve told myself it’s okay for me as long as I can see you and support you in my own way. Be it your albums, shows, or whatever it may be.

My café doors will always be open for you as long as you need a listening ear or even just coffee....

Don’t be sorry. I understand, I just want to be the safe space you can still go to, rather than your burden.. If we were together.’

He could tell you were trying hard to manage a smile just so he could feel better. He moved closer and pulled you into a hug. 

‘I know you said not to be sorry, but I’m sorry ... And thank you’, his voice akin to a whisper

After a long pause, you returned his hug, and at your touch, he was at the brink of tears. You were possibly his once in a lifetime, but here you both were, giving up on each other, for each other.  He tried so hard to hold back his tears, but they streamed down eventually 

He rarely ever cried, but for you… If he couldn’t have you, at least he should be allowed to cry for you. 

He tightened the hug and could only wish for the night to never end. 

——-

Was hella hard to write this, sorry for this really tragic ending.

But partly writing it this way because I guess as fangirls one of the best things we can give our favs is a safe space to be real with us. Love isn’t about possession. So let’s love them right ok☺️

On a side note, was shook at his fan sign convos. Especially the one he said though he said it’s ok if we leave him for a while because it’s difficult to wait, he didn’t actually mean it.

What a sweetheart!! All the more makes me feel like he might really respond this way if he is faced with this kind of situation (as in this fanfic)?!

Anw hope you guys enjoyed this !

Tag(s): @wooya1224

#byun baekhyun #exo fanfic #exo #exo scenario #exo scenarios #exo baekhyun #baekhyun scenarios #Baekhyun #baekhyun scenario #baekhyun #exo comeback #bambi #baekhyunfanfic

[child-of-of-the-sunshine]

CHAPTER 2

"We do all realize that I can take any of you," I said

"That sounds like challenge," Clay said

"Okay," I said

"Oh this will be good," Sonny said

Me and Clay started to work out together and kept challenging eachother to our limits for at least 2 hours until we're both done

"Fuck," I said grabbing my water

"Same time tomorrow," Clay said

"So on," I said

"This is the most interesting thing ever," Trent said

"Clay race you to the cages," I said

I started running to the cages with Clay on my tail we got back to the cages and changed

"I won," I said

"Uh uh," Clay said

"Shut up," I said

"Yeah," Clay said

3 mouths later

"You exited for your first deployment," Clay said

"Yes," I said

"This is going to be fun," Sonny said

Clay's girl.walked over and gave me a look that I was not having

"May I help you," I said

"No just back off," She said

"Its kinda hard to that when I am supposed to have six 24/7 so no I will not," I said

"Can't you go to different team," she said

"Nope can't they won't let me they love me too much and I'm one of that can handle Clay by myself so," I said

She throw a punch and punched back

"Never hit a texen unless you want some broken bones," I said

She tried to punch me back I grabbed her hand and twisted it

"I will brake it and you will have to have surgery for it," I said

"Addison Ember Quinn," Jason yelled

"Aw looks like your in trouble," she said

"I won't hesitate to throw you against a wall," I said

I walked over to Ray and Jason

"Addi," Jason said

"What," I said

"Your starting to get bruise," Ray said

"Addison," Clay said

"Yes princess," I said

"What the hell happened," he asked

Noticing the bruise on my jaw

"I'll see you all tomorrow," I said before leaving and walking to my truck and crying the whole back to mine and Sonny apartment, once I got back I realized I left my phone and to head back, so I went back Clay was sitting in his car, I walked outback and grabbed my phone

"And she's back," Lisa said

"I forgot my phone," I zaid

"Addi hangout with us before the last of deployment," Jason said

"Fine," I said

I grabbed a beer from the cooler and opened it

"Is now a good time to say this is my first beer," I said

"Addison," Ray zaid

"In a while," I said

"Good," Jason said

"Addi do want me to at that," Trent asked

"Maybe," I said

Trent came over and looked at it

"Needs ice," Trent said

Niman went and got me some ice

"Thanks," I said

"Addison," Clay said

I didn't respond to him

"Slient treatment," Sonny said

"Addison," Clay said

"What," I said

"What happened to your face," he asked

"Your Girlfriend punched me after she said to stay away from or I should leave the team and I said no because I'm not ruining my career over what she wants so Clay if she's going to be a bitch then I'm sorry Clay we can't be friends off base," I said

"Addison what," Sonny said

"Im sorry bit if she's going to do and not want to get hurt or for me to get distracted because I don't want to over step people could get killed and I'm not going to be the reason so this might be my last deployment I talked to Blackburn," I said

"Addison," Clay zaid

"Sorry," I said

Clay hugged me

"Addison please don't leave the team," he whispered

"Clay," his girlfriend yelled

"Amber I'm sorry but we're done I'm not losing my best friend and team mate because of you because I trust and everyone else to have my six if she leaves I don't think would trust the next brovo seven," Clay said

"Fine," she said throwing his key at him

"And this is yours," Clay said giving me his spare apartment key she just throw at him

"Thanks," I said putting it on my keys

"Yep anything for you," Clay said

We finished the night with me driving Sonny and me back to the apartment Sonny finshing the jack in the kitchen and headed to bed, the next morning I woke up and grabbed my bag after changing to head to base with Sonny once we got there we parked and got of my truck

"Wish this was a Gucci deployment," Sonny said

"Why so you can be a princess," I said

"Yes," Sonny said

"God," I said

"Addison keep the boys in line," Emma yelled

"Got it Emma," I yelled

"Keep a close eye on them," Niman said

"Always do," I said

"When did she stuck babysitting," Lisa said

"I don't know," I said

"Is mini Quinn ready for her first deployment," Lisa asked

'Yeah," I said

"Three months with my best friend," I said

"Wait were best friends," Clay zaid

"Yes," I said

Clay picked me up.and ran on to the plane with me

"Clay," I yelled

#clay spenser #seal team #jason hayes #sonny quinn #brock reynolds #trent sawyer

[nightmaresorpromises]

🍄✨💐

OKAY THIS GOT REALLY LONG BC I FEEL THE NEED TO EXPLAIN MYSELF SO LIKE IM SORRY LMFAO. Also pls no one yell at me I’m just saying how I feel and what I think, I recognize that everyone will have different views/opinions/experiences and that I can only speak based on my own. I am not a doctor

🍄: do you support self diagnosis?

This is kind of a difficult question, I know most people hate the self diagnosis stuff, but personally I think their are certain mental health issues that you can become aware of without a medical diagnosis.

That being said, many mental health issues and disorders are incredibly complex and I think those DO need a medical diagnosis, especially since from what I understand a lot of disorders can mimic and or cause symptoms of other ones.

So for me personally, my eating disorder, anxiety, and depression (which I honestly don’t call that I just say I’m depressed bc I’m not medically diagnosed?) are all self diagnosed, but I’ve seen myself develop my eating disorder and was willing to die for it, I frequently have anxiety attacks to the point I feel like I’m going to faint and I can’t breathe, I’m terrified to order my own food sometimes because of the social interaction, and I’m borderline suicidal and struggle with self harm as a result. So like? I feel, I don’t want to say justified because that sounds kind of wrong, but I feel okay in going “I have these issues, and this is what I struggle with”

but I don’t think I’d ever self diagnose with something complex like bi polar disorder, borderline personality disorder etc, because those are much harder in my eyes to determine, or understand without a medical diagnosis. (Obviously that’s just my opinion and example as someone who A.) doesn’t have the option to get medically diagnosed regarding my mental health issues and B.) who has never struggled with any of those disorders or known anyone who does.)

So like? I’m definitely not pro “identify with whatever mental health issue you have a symptom of!” But I also think to an extent individuals who struggle with their mental health can have enough sense to go okay, this is my life, this isn’t healthy or normal, I’m struggle with these things so maybe I’m dealing with anxiety, or whatever else.

But I understand the frustration around self diagnosis because you obviously have ignorant people going “omg lol I can’t focus on this thing I totally have adhd or add” or “lol I got so angry out of nowhere! Clearly I’m bi-polar” and like... I won’t even get into that. *facepalms*

💐: do you believe in recovery?

This is hard for me. I guess yes and no.

Yes because sure there are things you can overcome, and recover from like addiction, and eating disorders, and there are things you can treat like depression and other mental illnesses,

But no because (pessimistic bitch over here sorry) at the end of the day you’ll still struggle with those things. So you can get better at coping, you can get treatment, but even for me personally now that I’m no longer restricting my food unhealthy, and I’m not terrified of food, I still get ED thoughts, I still get triggered. Like the mental health issue is always going to be in the background of your mind and you’re still going to have to deal with it, even if the strain isn’t as harsh because you’ve gotten better and developed a healthier way to handle it.

So I guess that depends on your definition of recovery. Of course I believe in getting better, and not having your issues hit you as harshly even if they still lurk in your mind.

But, part of me despises the fact that a lot of those issues are still gonna lurk. (I guess I don’t believe in being “totally cured!” Or whatever ? Idk)

But that’s just my take on it, everyone’s different and everyone’s issues are different. And obviously getting better through treatment and developing better coping mechanisms and whatever else can greatly help you and ease your struggles. So it gets easier, and I guess that’s what recovery is supposed to be about. Getting better even if you aren’t “cured”

✨: do you have any advice to others (especially young people) about how to recover?

Oh god. Okay so like, as someone who hit rock bottom at like 15 emotionally I think one of the biggest things is you have to want to recover.

And to a lot of people that sounds obvious but it got to a point where I, and a lot of my friends who struggled with their mental health stopped wanting to get better.

If you’re going to recover, you need to want it. Not necessarily be ready, because you might never feel “ready” it’s a huge jump, but you have to WANT it. Or else no help or advice will ever reach you, and you won’t give an honest try to do whatever it is you need personally to recover.

2.) you have to be willing to change in whatever ways are possible and necessary, because obviously there are things such as living situations that you might not be able to change giving your situation. But the things you can change like how you respond to situations, who and what you surround yourself with (social media, toxic friends, toxic online communities etc) you have to be willing to cut those out.

And obviously, that’s easier said then done, especially when you may already feel alone and like cutting them off will only add to that lonliness, but guys, you have to do it. And I know it’ll be hard at first but getting rid of those toxic relationships will lift a weight off of your shoulders and I promise you will make new friends. Shit like that happens when you least expect it and it’s annoying and weird and dumb. But cut out that toxic shit in your life.

Overall change though, if you don’t like the way you treat people take a step back and go “okay why do I react this way? Why do I treat people this way?” And don’t beat yourself up about it, don’t attack yourself seek to understand it, and that will enable you to then go, “okay how I respond isn’t fair, how can I change that?” And that goes for how you treat yourself too. If you can change those negative thoughts, behaviors and treatment to both yourself and others it will help your mental state a lot.

3.) patience and understanding I guess? I’m sure there’s a lot of feeling like you might be a horrible person out there, a lot of anger and pent up frustration with yourself and the world because of all the shit you’ve had to deal with and like, those feelings are justified, but you should also be patient with yourself and understand that people do stupid, cruel, fucked up shit. We make mistakes, we treat people kinda poorly, but don’t destroy yourself over it.

Understand or seek to understand why x y z is happening and use that to do what you can to change the situation, even if it’s scary or hard. You can regret actions, but regretting them forever won’t help you grow or get better it’ll only make you sink ya know? So like, accept how you’re feeling, but don’t succumb to it, and work to change the negative behaviors or energies that surround you.

Oh my god okay 4, and like SUPER FUCKING IMPORTANT. DO NOT COMPARE YOURSELF TO ANYONE. Stop IT. NO ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Where you are is based on your own path, and you’re on your clock not anyone else’s. Everyone has so many different experiences it’s impossible and not fair to sit and judge yourself based on someone else’s capabilities.

Because we all have different experiences while you may be struggling to learn how to respond or handle social situations, which might be something others know how to do, those same people might be struggle to process grief and loss, which maybe you experienced already and learned how to handle.

(Idk if that makes sense,) but basically like, you’re where you need to be in life and you’re learning what you need to learn when you need to learn it. We aren’t all on the same track. Some of us are learning things our friends learned at sixteen, some of us are working towards things 35 year olds haven’t gotten to yet. Everyone is different and because of that we are going to have different experiences. Different bodies, different personalities, different struggles

And that’s OKAY that’s how we’re supposed to be

(Thanks for coming to my I just woke up and chugged coffee ted talk. Obviously take everything I say with some salt, those are just my opinions and views and I understand that they won’t be helpful or apply to everyone and their situation. I’m just trying to explain how I see or feel about things given my life. Obv I’m not a doctor or anything I’m just a college student no one come for me thank you I’m sorry have a nice day)

#I’m so sorry #asked and answered #ted talk extreme #ted talk #I wrote an essay #I wrote a theisis #I’m the bitch who likes when the papers are 5 pages #because I’ll accidentally go over to 6-7 #because I talk too much #mental health #random thoughts #opinions #anon

[cole-grey-writes]

Kiss Me Better

Universe: Marvel Cinematic Universe

Timeline: Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Character(s): Sam Wilson

Pairing(s): Sam Wilson x Male Reader

Warning(s): swearing, completely inaccurate medical procedures because im not a doctor and 16 y/o

Summary: You were injured on a mission and in order to stave off infection, you have to get a shot...

OLD A/n from over a month ago: I got shots at the doctors probably a week ago (and I'm just now finishing this because frickin executive dysfunction kicked my ass). I don't have a bf/gf in real life to kiss me better, but I can always pretend with fanfiction. Enjoy

NEW A/n from right now: shit it’s been a long time huh? yeah, this was supposed to be uploaded over a month ago but for some reason I just... didn’t put it up. Idk, I think I was going through some shit so I wasn’t interested in anything at all and I was super unmotivated. Anyway, I finally got it up. Hope you all enjoy :)

“Sam!” you say his name with joy. The pain coursing through out your body isn’t enough to keep you from throwing your arms around your boyfriend as soon as he’s close enough to where you sit on the plain white bed in the SHIELD medbay.

You wrap your arms around him and squeeze as hard as you can without causing pain to shoot up your arms from your injuries. Sam returns the favor and hugs you close to his chest. You can’t help but wince when he unknowingly presses into a large bruise stretching across your stomach, but you don’t want the hug to end so you try to hide it. Sam obviously sees right through you and let’s go, although he doesn’t stop touching you. Sam’s hands rest on your arms gently, trying not to press on the bruises and cuts that are covered in bandages.

“Don’t ‘Sam’ me. You are an absolute moron,” Sam tells you, pointing a finger. Your mouth falls open in offense and try to say something but he interrupts you. “Did you think jumping in the line of fire was really your only option?”

“...Well, it seemed like the only option at the time.”

“Jesus,” Sam swears. “You are just as bad as Steve.”

“I am not nearly–”

“Don’t you dare try to deny it,” he tells you. He reaches up with his hand and shuts your mouth for you. “You know it's true,” Sam says it without judgement, like he knows how much people’s lives mean to you.

“Agent L/n,” SHIELD Doctor Vivienne Becker is suddenly standing next to you. She addresses you with a comfort as if talking with an old friend. Or maybe with exasperation of talking to an annoying younger sibling.

“Vivienne,” you greet back with a much lighter tone than her. “It’s nice to see you again.”

“I wish I could say the same,” Dr. Becker says, “but you're covered in contusions, lacerations, and just had two bullets removed from your femur and scapula.”

You tense when you feel Sam shift next to you, feeling his gaze on the side of your face. You aren’t even looking at him and you just know that his eyebrows are raised in scorn. “Oh, so you were shot, too?”

“Uh.”

“Fortunately, there was no damage done to any vital organs or major arteries.”

“Well, at least that,” Sam mumbles.

“However,” Dr. Becker interrupts pointedly, “there was foreign residues found on the bullets that were designed to attract special bacteria.”

You sigh. “And now it’s in my blood.”

“Correct and we’ve figured out how to neutralize the effects, but…”

“‘But’?” you wonder, whining. “‘But’? No, why ‘but’, Vivienne?”

“But,” Dr. Becker continues, “the treatment is in the form of a syringe.”

You suddenly sit up straight. “A shot?!” you scream, eyes going wide.

“A shot?” Sam wonders completely cluelessly. “What’s wrong with a shot?”

“It is one shot and it will be injected into your right shoulder,” Dr. Becker informs you before walking away to let you wallow in self pity.

You groan and throw your head back because fucking goddamn it, this would be your luck. A shot right when you get back off the field.

“What’s wrong with a shot?” Sam wonders again. You sigh heavily and took at Sam with your eyebrows raised. He looks at you blankly for a few seconds before he breaks out into a smile. Sam aws at you, causing you to purse your lips. “Are you afraid of shots, baby?”

You click your tongue and say, “Sam,” while growing more annoyed with his sugar sweet smile.

You ignore him (whether it’s because you love him or because you have no idea how to respond to his question, you don’t know), deciding instead to work out some stress by looking at anything other than the needles that seemed to be everywhere you look now.

Sam actually has to reach over and stop you from wringing your hands dry. “Come one now, baby,” he untangles your hands and intertwines one of yours with his. You aren’t able to help just melting under his smooth and caring voice. “It’s just one shot, it won’t be that bad.”

You hum doubtfully, squinting your eyes at him but squeeze his hand harder. “I hate shots,” Sam nods understandingly. “Shots suck. Shots can go fuck–”

You don’t get a chance to finish your rant because Dr. Becker walks back over to you and wonders, “Are you ready?”

Taking a deep breath and releasing it, you squeeze Sam’s hand to reassure yourself. “I suppose,” Dr. Becker doesn’t say anything, turning to grab the syringe. You bite your lip to steal yourself.

“Hey,” Sam says softly. You look at him and he shows you your interlocked hands. “Here, you can squeeze my hand to help you through it.”

“You sure?” You crack a smile, feigning hesitation. “I might break your hand.”

Sam hums dismissively. “I’m sure I can bear it.”

Dr. Becker turns back to you with a syringe in her hand. You tense at the sight of it but Sam moves closer, the warmth of Sam’s body on your leg enough for you to let go of your lip.

Dr. Becker pinches your arm and starts to inject you. Your face contorts and you wince in pain. While you’ve been punched, kicked, stabbed, and shot many times, it doesn’t make this any easier. You have to squeeze Sam’s hand as hard as your weakened state allows you. And it may be a bit of an ego boost but Sam winces from your grip.

In reality, it only takes about ten seconds but to you, it feels like a lifetime before Dr. Becker pulls the needle out. “Alright, all done,” she tells you, putting a bandaid where the dot of blood is. “The medicine should take effect immediately, so you need to rest up as much as possible. You can get your crutches from Nurse van Wieren when you’re ready,” she tells you and then leaves.

You look up at Sam to see him with a small smile on his face, looking back at you. “What?”

“Now, was that so bad?” he asks you.

“Yes,” you conclude firmly. You watch Sam try to hold back his smile, but failing miserably. You click your tongue at him, half heartedly hitting him in the chest. “I’m serious. Feels like a rod going through my arm.”

Sam chuckles but says, “Sorry, it’s just…” Sam shrugs. “I didn’t know that about you.”

He says it warmly. It reminds you of the first time you two had met almost a year ago when Sam had tested your name on his tongue right in the middle of HYDRA 2.0. You and Sam exchanged phone numbers right after the whole mess had been cleaned up.

“You know now,” you tell him. “So what?”

Sam shakes his head. “So nothing. I like learning new things about you, even almost a year into our relationship,” and isn’t that the sweetest goddamn thing? You are the luckiest guy in the world. Sam’s tone goes comically serious. “No, seriously… you want me to kiss it better?”

“Shut up,” You blush. “And help me down,” Sam smiles, holding out his arms for you to grab. You put a hand on his shoulder, balancing yourself. Wincing as you shimmy your way off the bed, you favor the leg that didn’t have a bullet in it.

“You okay?”

“I’m fine,” you tell him, “thank you.”

“It’s no problem, baby,” Sam coos while gripping onto you. “And be prepared because I’ve got a special dinner waiting for you when we get home.”

You snort and scrunch your nose. “Dinner? It’s 10 o’clock.”

“Then, it’s a midnight snack,” Sam tells you sassily.

“It’s not midnight, either.”

“Humor me.”

You sigh. “Fine, it’s a late dinner snack.”

“Alright, then,” Sam concedes. “Let’s go.”

Nurse van Wieren hands you your crutches as you and Sam leave the medbay. You smile and thank him before he walks away.

Sam’s words finally hit you as you get into the hallway. “Wait, waiting for me? How did you know I was coming home today?” you question, grabbing your boyfriend’s attention. You watch as Sam’s face begins to flush. You squeal. “Oh my god! Did you make SHIELD tell you where I was?”

Sam doesn’t respond for a few seconds before, “...Maybe.”

“Aw,” you coo, causing Sam to scoff.

“Yeah, don’t let it go to your ego, L/n.”

“No, but you have to tell me,” you tell him, stepping into the elevator before Sam does. You stand side by side, staring at each other with matching grins on your faces. “Is this special treatment reserved for me alone… or do you keep tabs on Steve and Nat, too?” as you expected, Sam doesn’t answer and you can’t hide your laugh. “That’s sweet,” you praise. “I might just have to tell Steve and Nat about it.”

“Don’t you dare!” Sam warns, though the smile on his face doesn’t disappear.

“I won’t, I won’t,” you agree without a second thought. “I know Steve would be indignant for about a week and who knows what the hell Nat would do to you,” you and Sam share a laugh, Sam’s gaze falling to the floor while you continue to stare at him because god, you love that deep, breathy laugh he does. You feel like you’re a goddamn king everytime you manage to get even a single giggle out of your boyfriend.

“Hey,” you say, grabbing Sam’s attention. He turns to you, looking extra adorable with his hands in his pockets and that tooth rotting smile on his face. “I think I might take you up on that offer to kiss me better.”

This causes Sam to hum smugly, his grin growing bigger and even more sugary. “Really?” Sam says slowly while he places his hands on your arms, rubbing up and down tenderly. He’s obviously being careful of your wounds. Noticing this single detail about Sam and how he is around you, you’re struck with how much you love this man standing in front of you.

Sam places a chaste kiss right over your bandaid before he rests his chin on your shoulder. “I love you,” he whispers against your skin. You feel your heart grow warm at his words.

“I love you, too,” you breath. “Now, let’s go home so you can kiss me better. And before dinner gets cold.”

(NOT MY GIF)

Main Blog // Other Side Blog

((NO ONE HAS MY PERMISSION TO REPOST MY WORK ANYWHERE EVEN WITH CREDIT))

#sam wilson x male reader #sam wilson x reader #reader insert #marvel cinematic universe

[bxstiae]

❤ + bxstiae !! yes, YOU !! Talk about the things you are most proud of, maybe things you like or things you want to talk about !!

[  @bxstiae​ ( ME ) / —–  POSITIVITY  ]              A C C E P T I N G

send me MORE urls you heathens.

vam, if you didn’t think i wasn’t above giving myself self love ON THIS BLOG???? you are.... dead wrong. 

things i’m most proud of: the fact that i can bring smiles to other people when i can’t to myself sometimes. ( i tend to redirect things a lot which isn’t always a bad things ) really though, when i am at my lowest, there are sometimes that i actively seek out other people are are also hurting and try to make them feel better because, in turn, it helps me feel better -- it gives me a purpose & it helps keep my mind off things.

other things i am proud of: the fact that I WRITE. i write a lot. i write so many different things. and honestly, i am so very PASSIONATE about it. i’m so proud of my meta for link -- the most proud that i have been in such a long time!!! I have never felt so proud of a muse before until i remade link and GODS, nobody can take that away from me. ( i just pray i am not intimidating in that aspect ) i know i can write MOUNTAINS of words, but god, i will write a book about all the lore i have for TP, SS, & BOTW and nothing can stop me........ nothing. also, i am so, so, SO happy for the fact that i can write such a VARIETY of muses too???? like gods.... i won’t list all of them here, ( for there are some i wish to not bring up ) but i can play a wide variety of muses who all have similar motifs and im just??? dladshf 

i must admit that while sometimes i have doubt on my other blogs, there has never been a time where i have doubted link, and that in itself makes me so proud and happy. that yes, i finally have a muse that makes me so happy & comfortable!!! 

like you don’t understand vam, for somebody who had been igNORED and so unhappy for so long in another rpc because i felt like i was screaming at walls & nobody ever REALLY talked to me, i don’t at all care about that here. ( or maybe i do idk, i just don’t have the same treatment ) rather... i think.... i am so proud of myself for making the decision to finally, FINALLY cut the strings with one of the most toxic rpcs known on tumblr. like really, i have never felt so alive!!! and im just over her VIBING in my smol little purgatory, it’s so... great. i could cry for how happy i am. 

anyway, moving on.

i am proud that people don’t find me scary??? at least i don’t think so? i could be absolutely wrong by that.... but you know what? i feel like anybody who knows me would know that.... i am nothing but somebody who cares. honestly i once told a friend, i think it it might have been @wingclipped​ but i could be WRONG. But i always say that im like a dragon. i hoard something. or rather, i cherish something. and that something is that i cherish life & love. i will absolutely hoard all my friends and keep them safe. i will defend them with my life. no really, i would lay down my LIFE for them. I’ve always been so protective while also still keep somewhat of a front. to keep myself safe. 

speaking of which, i am SO PROUD of myself for learning how to say ‘no, this bothers me.’ while sometimes i still have problems with giving too much, i have come SUCH a long way to what i used to be..... but you know what, there was something else that somebody told me.

actually it was @vescrsol​ who told me! ( hella yea you know what i’ll name drop you cause honestly it was one of the NICEST things that somebody has ever told me and you know what.... it made me so happy and it made me realise that YOU’RE right.... )

him: Wearing your heart on your sleeve.... alot of other people cant do that me: hoW         NO         I am a fool him: No         You're stronger then you think         An act of kindness, is stronger then an act of defiance

honestly, i think since then, i’ve learned to like.... love myself a BIT more. at least if gave me just that boost of confidence that... yes, i am doing the right thing. at least, i feel, in my heart, that i am.

but ahhh..... i digress. anyway. what i want to try to get at is that, you know what, everybody has self-doubt! even i do! it’s natural as we are all human. but for me, i know that the self-doubt will pass! i know that there are people that i can make happy and that is what keeps me going! and you know what? i have had some pretty nasty things told to my face. both on tumblr, and irl, from just about anybody. and while that sometimes puts me down, i am PROUD that i can rebound!!

even when i was little, i had this mantra. if everybody else can’t be nice, then you be the better man. you be that ONE nice person. I struggled a lot in high school. and honestly, i cannot tell you how BAD it was, cause it was really bad. but i told myself, ‘no, i don’t want to be like everybody.’ as much as i sought out somebody to help me feel better, i realised some things...

1: there are people out there who feel the same as you. 2: there are people out there who’ve taken to try to make others happy while they, themselves, are also hurting, just like you. 3: only you can make yourself happy. 

this is why i take the time out of my day to check on people. maybe some people may not like it. maybe some people don’t want to talk. but that shouldn’t mean that you DON’T talk to them. i get everybody has their own ways of dealing with stress and talking to others. and honestly, i can understand that!! its absolutely okay! 

just like you vam. you, and kirby, and anybody else who takes sometimes days or weeks to respond. its okay!!! really. i just want you to know though that i care about you so much. there isn’t a day were im like ‘oh why did vam not message me wtf? i hate this’ no im never EVER like that. i am probably one of the most UNDERSTANDING, patient, & loving people you’ll ever meet. and i hope you KNOW that. i think the only thing i wish for people to realise is that... all you guys have to do is reach out to me. i know its hard. i know its scary. but know that at the end of the day, if you feel like you’re falling.... KNOW that i will be that head that turns. i will be that hand that reaches out for you. know that i would do anything in my power to pull out out, pick you up, and hold you. 

and KNOW, please please please PLEASE know, that i will never hate doing it. and that i am PROUD to do it. i am that one male cheerleader that holds his teammates up and does it with a SMILE on my face. even when i am hurting, i do it. because it makes me happy to know that i can cheer other people up! 

I knOW i am endearing!! i know, i know, i KNOW!!!! and yes, i know im a bit much. but you know what??? that’s the fucking latin blood in me!! i’ll never be ashamed of that. i make my own familie ( yes i actually spelt that right, its romanian, NOT SPANISH ). i’ll be the tati && the mami. i am both. you can’t stop me now >:)

anyway, i TOTALLY went off on like a tangent, but you know what. people need to know. this ended up from kinda being a self-love post to a psa post but you know what? i don’t care!!! everybody needs to know. 

and i think everybody needs to know that you all need to do some self-love. really though. if you can’t find it. then its okay, let me glomp on you then for the time being. i’ll do it!!! really i absolutely will. i will love & dote on you all. i think anybody who’s close to me KNOWS this. and anybody who’s known me only for a little while has come to realise this too.

but... you know what? what do y’all think? am i right, or am i right? ♥♥♥

anyway, i think i’ll stop for now haha i went off didn’t i. whoops. anyway. 

vam, know this: i love you. i always will. if you ever ever EVER feel like you need somebody, PLEASE don’t hesitate to scream at me. and by the gods, if i found that you made a bad decision™ of deleting a blog, i AM COMING FOR YOUR BOOTY. bruh, i am so about that life to metaphorically come at you like FUCKING HIROOMI.

#strztm #⚜ ; — [ ᵗʳᵃˢʰᵇᵒᵃᵗˑᵗˣᵗ ▲ ooc. ] #⚜ ; — [ ᶜᵒᵐᵖᵃˢˢ ᵃᵗᵗᵃᶤᶰᵉᵈ ▲ psa. ] #[ HONESTLY FDAHSFKJBA ] #[ GOD I FUCKING LOVE THIS THOUGH ] #[ also yea i guess im hiroomi now ] #[ can't stop me now ] #[ anyway i made this rather long ] #[ so have a read more ] #[ honestl if y'all need a pick me up ] #[ read this cause its so much more than about self-love ] #[ its also just as much as a psa #to tell everybody i'm here for you ] #[ i am my own community fuck that ] #[ join me in my purgatory ] #[ also the fact that i can @ myself im LAUGHING ] #long post

[constanzemachiavelli]

The Mercenary Band

Tanef was sitting calmly at the base of the tower keep, sharpening her swords with a whetstone she had found in the weapon's storage in the keep. Her breathing was sharp with signs of pain, due to her chest being hit by a war hammer. Somehow she and her other 4 companions had survived the siege and the assault, now resting and recovering from wounds, aside from Shirra, who was sent as a messenger to get reinforcements and save them from the siege. She, with Loth, their cleric, helped Thurn and especially Horn to heal, as they had taken most of the beating in the fight. There were 3 fresh graves outside the fort, for those 3 unfortunate companions that had fallen in the assault.

“You should rest too, Tanef,” Shirra had come down to see the elf.

Tanef kept sharpening her blade “I want to go to the town and shake those councilmen by their collars. How dare they condemn us to death!” She threw the stone away in anger, but then almost collapsed due to her injured chest.

“You are in no shape to take the 3 day journey south. Rest!” Shirra insisted and patted Tanef on her shoulder.

“Someone needs to repair the gate or stay on watch” Tanef resisted.

“Me and Loth can take care of it, don't you worry!”

“Fine” Tanef gave in and walked upstairs and layed down to rest.

After a few hours Tanef rose up again and went out in the courtyard once more, seeing Thurn woken  up from his rest and standing around, balancing himself on a walking stick.Tanef walked over to him.

“Your leg is hurt?” she asked

“And you can't breathe normally” he answered

“What do you suggest as our next course of action?” Tanef asked.

“I personally do not want to deal with the so called council anymore, the already double corssed us already during the siege, I do not wish to be betrayed once more by those corrupted asses!” he proclaimed.

Tanef shifted around and thought for a second: “You are right, we should avoid dealing with them, as they have already proved to be untrustworthy, but we are under a contract for the next 3 months, we cannot break it or else we might be declared triaitors. I suggest we go back to the town and get our reward for the task. If we want to survive in this dimension we must live by its rules.”

Thurn growled “Sure, do the bare minimum, I'm fine with that.”

They both stood by in silence for a while, until Thurn whispered “This isn't my home anymore.”

Tanef hugged Thurn over his back and reassuringly said “It's fine, don't worry about it. We can make a new home, that is if you want to.”

He growled again and stabbed the ground with the stick strongly and went inside once more. Tanef stood for a while, thinking about how to help Thurn with accepting that his home dimension is all but gone. After that she walked off to inspect the walls and defences, unable to do so before due to the siege.

After a few hours of slwoly surveying the surrondings, Tanef went back to the fortress, to its tower keep, and saw everyone already gathered together. Tanef joined them and started to talk.

“How is the gate doing?” she asked to Shirra

“One side is useless, but the other is still standing, we'll need a new gate if we want to keep the fort for ourselves. I'm also concerned about the food stocks, we only have enough for a few days left, we'll have to travel to a village or the town soon to get the supplies we require.” Shirra said.

“We need more drink!” Horhrug said.

“Alright, we'll sort that out soon, but first we have to get to the town and get our reward for holding the fort. We can gather the supplies along the way.” Tanef told everyone.

“Who will stay behind and guard the fort, though?” Shirra asked. “Do you plan to recruit from the villages?”

“That is an option, yes, but it might take a bit too long to make sure its properly defended, so I propose that only I will go, while the rest of you stay behind and protect the fort.” Tanef answered.

“Wouldn't that make us vulnerable without you? We'll be 2 people less in case of another siege!” Loth said worryingly. “You are also hurt, don't you need some help with you?”

“We need to take our chances regardless, we will starve to death before we can leave the fort, and who know what those spineless bastards might do if we dont come in timely fashion, the lives sacrificed here would have been spent for nothing!” Tanef said

“Whatever you say, captain...”” Shirra said.

“So it's been decided, tomorrow morning I depart for Amelgalia.” tanef said, stood up and headed out.

“Where are you going?” asked Thurn

“I need some fresh air, that's all.” Tanef answered.

Next morning she went out before the sun was up.

She loved the night's sky the most, as it had the most going on. It had stars, moons and other objects she just couldn't find a name for. And sometimes something shot past or appeared for a few moments. The day sky she also adored, the fluffy forms of the clouds and the sun itself. She still hadn't seen a sun setting or rising, and she forgot to do so again this morning, too enchanted by the shifting tones of the sky as the morning came. Living almost all of her life underground had stolen her the joys of what a sky is.

But she also had to keep to her goal, getting to Amelgalia. She made sure to pack everything she needed, that is, food and a few essential things like flint and steel for firemaking and bandages, in case she got hurt. As well as her contract with the city, which she brought in case of needing a proof of her employment.

The trip to Amelgalia lasts one and a half days and she passed a village on her way there, before the night set. She decided to not push herself and find a place to camp for the night. The season seemed to be summer, as far as the subterranian upbringing told her, so she didn't see a reason to bring a tent or anything.

She decided to sleep on the trees, a pretty good hiding place in case of some bandits, and a perfect place to observe the stars from. Unfortunately she missed the sunset, again, so she made herself content with another night of star gazing, as she had done every evening so far. Before she knew it, she was asleep.

She woke up coughing, her chest hurting unbearably. She had overexhausted herself yesterday and now will have to go slower, maybe only reaching the city in the evening.

The sun was well up when she woke up, so she sighed in regret that she couldn't see the sunrise again, but onwards regardless, clutching her chest and resting on the road side to rest for a few moments.

Suddenly, she heard a noise that resembled a horse stamping the ground. She lookd to her left and safe a cart being pulled by a horse. She stood up and waved her arm towards th cart and waited for it to come closer. Soon, it came and stopped, its driver speaking down towards Tanef.

“Where do you want to go, stranger?” he asked.

“Amelgalia” Tanef responded.

“What business you got there?”

“I'm an adventurer and im heading to receive my reward from the council.”

The man scanned her body. “You do look like the sort. Are you by chance one of those mercenaries that occupy that fort up in the north?”

Tanef cackled. “I'm too young to throw my life away in such endavours.”

“How old are you then?” the man asked.

“Just 170 years old, not that much.”

The man looked with wide open eyes. “Alright then. Uh... do you require a ride to the city?”

“Of course” Tanef answered

She climbed in the cart and sat down, and the man cracked his whip and they rode onwards.

“So on what kind of adventure were you then? You don't really look like from here.” the man asked.

“Oh I come from far away lands, you could say not from this world, even. I was sent on far, far away quest by the council after an artefact, fought many monsters, got lost a few times and had to find my way back, you know, the usual adventuring stuff.” she told.

“From another world, eh? You are either a big liar, story teller or both.” the man replied.

“What if I am? I've told many lies to my comrades back when I still had any. I've told them stories that never took place, lied that I am some sort of... plane hopper, that I have seen the sky for hundreds of years, forced to hide my fascination with it in case I am found out to be a liar. Some nights I dream about... I mean dreamt about how much easier it would to slice their throats and find my way in the world by myself, without them stalling me.” Tanef said, coughing at the end.

The man dropped silent but then chuckled. “I didn't understand a single word from you, girl. You must have lived no more than 25 sumers, full of dreams and ambitions. Wait till you reach my age, then you will find a value in setting down, with friends... and maybe a partner. Did you run away from your home? No, you are dressed like some bandit, so maybe you are one! Maybe I should throw you out my cart, you filth. Better keep your mouth shut or you will get worse treatment than this!” The man spat out his words in anger.

“I'm sorry, I must have had something deep inside me that I needed to get out. I hope I didn't scare you too much” the man apologized after a small while.

Tanef remained silent and just looked at the surroundings while sitting in the empty cart.

After a few hours, the two reached a large fortified city, Amelgalia. Its walls were around 10 metres high and had several towers on them, protecting the insides of the city. There were some buildings outside the walls, though, mostly merchant booths and warehouses that wouldn't fit inside the city. The horse stopped and the old man spoke to Tanef.

“Well, this is it. We need to part now as I have business outside the walls. I wish you well on whatever you need to do here.” the man said.

“Thanks” Tanef muttered.

“Wait!” The man said as soon as Tanef started walking away. “What's your name?”

“Tanef.”

“Glad to meet you, Tanef. I am Kristoff!”

Tanef waved her arm as a goodbye and walked inside the city.

#fantasy #writing

[bedlamgames]

Q&A #100

Yes, been a hundred of this things. Totally a meaningless milestone which is one of my oldest tags on here (assuming any are left after the purge...) still I thought I’d do something for it. 

Specifically I’ve gone back over the old Q&A’s and found some favourite questions and answers which I’ll be including in this after the usual round of outstanding ones. Possibly also with some extra commentary where appropriate. 

Anonymous said: Hey. Any pair of characters connected by an Owned relationship/reputation seems to crash the game if you use either one of them on an assignment. Any chance of this being fixed?

- That should be sorted in yesterday’s update. 

Anonymous said: Got a Forest Goblin with both Dancer and Clumsy. This seems like a very strange combination, but imagining it kind of makes me want to laugh my head off.

- Agreed I think that just works due to being amusing. Less poetry in motion and more of a limerick. 

Anonymous said: In No Haven 0.871 the trait " Elementalist: Air " does not appear when using the estimate value function.

- Cheers for pointing out that oversight. Will sort.

Anonymous said: Hi sory english isn't my native langage, In No Have 0.871 TF Edition I have aquired a slaver But with a bug first i don't know how i acquire her and two she had noting , no name no perk jus a little description i will copy the full examine optin on it : - - - - ExamineName: Race: - Sex: - Status: - Reputation: Traits: Condition: 0 Will: 0 Estimated Value: 0 has a flat chest, a regular pussy, and has an unremarkable ass. She is the same size as most goblins, and .She is . 

- That looks like an empty character in all respects. I believe there was an issue with Ritual Casting where that could happen and is now sorted. If you see it happen again please let me know what you were doing when they appeared. 

Anonymous said: Hey Bedlam, watched stream where you discussed not selling slaves debuff, thing is i always imagined slavers being in this business for fun and pleasure first, and gold second. I mean why else would they agree to live in some Skyrim style, long abandoned really, hard to get to fort in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by hills and marshes(at least that how i imagine it)? So maybe you could make something like,"no new slaves, or slave training for X days, getting bored" or something like that?

- It wouldn’t be too harsh at all. Just a bit of a poke to encourage that you’re business model is based around being a slaver over the leader disappearing to the coast for a week and returning with suspiciously large amounts of gold. In that case you’ve got to think that your slavers might feel that they’re surplus to requirements :D

Anonymous said: I hope you're happy for taking so many hours of my life away from me lol. But playing this again; got a question about NH. Any plans on making some rival groups that we can interact with? Diplomacy, getting tribute, ect. It would be kinda cool to have rivals that push you along 

Glad you’re enjoying it! 

Likely yes. There’s ways currently now to set up a few ways to get tribute every so often. More groups though who are more hostile than the not-witches in the marshlands or the mistress of the Ensnared Rose are sure to be a thing sooner or later. 

doof-ex-machina said: Have you read the Gorean saga by John Nornan? If yes, did it influence your vision of the No Haven world? Gor explores a legal female-oriented slave system, yheah, but there are pretty close similarities with NH in regards to the numbers of ‘fodder’ and the ways of training. Anyway, me personally thinks your world is even better because magic and draenei/succubi boobs, duh.

I haven’t but I am aware of them in general. 

NH is a lot more equal opportunities than Gor where males doing it to females, females doing it to males, and all possible variations of that including others like futanari and sissies are likely to happen. Still high praise indeed, thanks!

And now onto some old questions starting with one from before where I realised beginning to combine these might be a good idea. 

onedrift from 2015:  Trying this again...what's your coder fuel of choice? Red bull, Monster, coffee? None of the above? Soon to be bimbofied slavemakers want to know!

- Heh, totally giving my nationality away (if it wasn’t blatantly obvious already) but the fuel of choice is copious amounts of Earl Grey tea.

Anonymous from 2015: Hiya, been a fan of your work for a long time, captions and games thanks for making them, but a question regarding whorelocks revenge, is it possible to get the tangle infection and bonds of insanity? in all my time playing them I never had either I dont think.

- Not in the current version. Basically I wasn’t happy with the implementation in terms of how they were removed so I disabled them for a bit till I can sort it out… which unfortunately has lasted quite some time.

Soon as I got this No Haven update done they’re top of my list of things to sort in Whorelocks.

(Oh zogging hell. Still not done that yet... Extenuating circumstance for sure with NH taking off and WR was still in RAGS at that point, but even so)

Anonymous from 2015: This is probably a poor place to respond to your open-ended poll question, but have you looked into Twine?

- I’ve looked at Twine and when I one day get round to Rough Landing 3 it’s definitely going to be done using it, but to me it looks like an incredibly poor fit for working on No Haven.

(Oh past me why would say such a thing even if it did make a lot of sense at the time. Let’s hope that guy was wrong)

Anonymous from Q&A #1: Title image is hype, cant wait for next update. recall you mentioned that you had enchantments planed for the update after next (or something there abouts) how far ahead have you planned ahead and any spoilers for the update after this one? :D

- Why thank you! I have several pages bullet pointed of what I have planned along with what I have in my head. For stuff not in the next update I’d say not counting more slave training assignments and options and more assignments in the other areas the big bits of content outstanding are;

Way more potions. (Still do do)

Enchantment/cursing of items system.  (Also still do do)

Crafting Devices. (Also, also still do do)

Ways to manage encampments when they get to large by sending slavers/slaves to new areas to provide ongoing gold/supplies along with the occasional assignment. (Oh dear, also, also still do do)

More stuff for you like going on every assignment, bad ends for some of them, more interactions, being enslaved and so on. Basically lots more sub and also some dom content for when you’re not managing the encampment. (Woo progress made! Bad ends for some assignments going on are indeed a thing. Still work to do as I do want to give Crossbones and Into the Depths the QAYL treatment sometime)

Special events that will occur every so often that will affect things be it for good and bad. This will include a way to get a lost slaver back though perhaps forever altered by their experiences. (Woo again this is done. Definitely could do with more done with)

Encampment reputation to reflect a slaver’s standing with how the other slaver’s see them. This will includes slavers becoming slaves and visa versa. (On a roll now as a great deal of this implemented)

More biomancy options and improving thanks to a multi-part assignment. There will also be other multi-part story based assignments. (Partially done and the biomancy multi-part assignment has been started)

And a bunch more basically but those are the priorities after this next update. Probably not all in the same update though.

Anonymous from Q&A #6: I would play the hell out of Paranoia set in No Haven.  

- Temptation to give slavers and you conflicting secret societies and agendas rising.

Y’know like…

Dire Panthers: A mottley band of young savage orcs, amazons and trolls out to raise hell by breaking stuff, setting stuff on fire and generally being a nuisance to everyone.

The Cooperative: A dedicated group of Frozen Queen cultists out to oppose the Human Empire by working together to make things better for the common people… till you know the Queen awakens and buries all the land in eternal ice.

Mage Smashers: Magic iz like wrong an’ stuff! We smash dem in dere stupid face till dey not so smart.

Fellowship-Fel: The denizens that lurk beyond our reality and infect our dreams with tainted nightmares are our friends! We must expose ourselves to as much corruption as possible to make ourselves like them. We see no flaws in this plan whatsoever, you see the chorus of whispers in our minds entirely agrees with us.

Psion: No changes need to be made whatsoever from the original version.

Trekksters: …and I think that’s enough of that, or further evidence of why I shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near RAGS or indeed tumblr when I have my old sourcebooks nearby :D

(Also apologies to most of you who have no idea what that was about!) (This is still far too much of a good idea)

Anonymous from Q&A #17: 2/2 and another hilarious one: Your succubus slave Jaeil was not looking so hot right now so Virholen just held her close and told Jaeil that everything would be alright. Jaeil was oddly quiet everytime you looked in on them and you wonder if they have resigned themselves to their fate. Condition: 45 (Change: 20) - Will: 47 (Change: 15)

After their mistreatment Jaeil sees no reason not to only care for them self as clearly no one else will leaving them hardened and even outright cruel. usc++

- You win best bug report in ages, that is beautiful :D

Anonymous from Q&A #37: Will there be other spirit races in the game besides wisps, such as undynes, gnomes, and dryads? And finally Im new to patreon. I decided to pay for the your character teir but ask for a unique because I dont really understand it. Is the “play your character” a scenario or what? And where do I go to talk with you on what I would like for it?

- True story, I had to google undyines and for ages I couldn’t work out what you were referring too as so many of the results were of that character from Undertale :D

Undines themselves would be no, but I do have a water spirit of a kind planned. (Still do!) Gnomes no, as I’m happy with Hakh Dwarven and the various Goblins as my short races. Dryads absolutely yes, and will be one of the advanced races. See the last Q&A for more details of those.

Thank you for your support! Those options are for those that want to play a specific character that isn’t available in the standard options or design a specific slaver that you can have in your encampment. If you want to see some examples of ones others have asked for before on the playable character front then Orc Wright Raptor, Lago’Mae Scholar or Goblin Underground Potioneer would be a good ones to look at to start off with.

As for the unique slavers then pretty much any of the slavers available under Strong Right Arm/Recruiter.

How much detail you want to go into is up to you. If you want to say oh I just want a Kitsune lady who likes to pole-dance then I’d put something together for your approval, or you can go full on detailing everything about them from their art, description, traits etc. and I’ll work with you to the point I’m happy having it as an option in the game. (Note: If you want an entirely new race like the Golems you need to go for the lore tier given the significantly larger amount of work involved)

For discussing please send me a message on patreon and we can take it further from there.

One thing to bare in mind is that patreon only charges at the end of the month, and so while I’m more than willing to talk it out, if you want to me to do a lot of work on your request I’m going to need to see a pledge go through first. It sucks I know, but this is the unfortunate reality of the internet that alas trust can only go so for.

I’m always happy to discuss things though, I really am, and some people have asked to pay some of their pledge upfront via paypal to get round this which is not a problem if that’s what you want to do.

valhallaimmortan from Q&A #47: I managed to get a elven smith who makes fancy armor that is usually masterwork quality, and equipped my ‘Basher’ Squad with it, the Basher’s are all Ogre’s who I recruited and I have a alchemist who seriously creeps me out with how many petrification potions he has been pumping out. I also like the Lago'mae Scholar how now the Lizard man is using her as his new project… poor Scholar… and I got to ask is it actually possible to recruit a keldan from the keldan mission in the city?

- I love this question, absolutely adore it, and you made the patron who requested the lizardman unique really happy when I mentioned it to them. If people want to send in their favourite/amusing/interesting slavers/slaves that have resulted from generation and gameplay I might do a tumblr post series on them called ‘Tell me about your Character’.

As to the question yes she should be on the critical result.

Anonymous from Q&A #61: Silly question. For clothing and armor, what in your mind is the major difference between micro, and impractical? I can’t really visualize a difference between the two when reading armor/clothing descriptions. Scandalously short is divergent enough that it creates its own image for me. The other two seem as if they would be interchangeable, but they aren’t since there is a distinction so what is it?

- Yay silly questions are always the best questions. Okay micro is where you have outfits that are recognizable bits of clothing but it’s incredibly brief so a skirt that’s more a belt than actually trying to cover anything whatsoever and/or a bikini top so teeny-weeny that it doesn’t even cover all of the nipples. Completely impractical though is the kind of clothing beloved by a certain kind of fantasy art which just doesn’t make any kind of sense whatsoever where looking good trumps any pretension of realism, and the only way it could stay on is either with copious amounts of glue or magic being involved.

Anonymous from Q&A #66: Hello again! I’m the guy who asked about the post-slave [slaver] titles. I’m going to very respectfully push the idea that ex-slaves should get unique titles. First, I honestly think having the unique titles is cooler. It’s more interesting to send a Chosen, an Acolyte, and a Hedge-Witch on an assignment than it is to send three Slavers. It’s a rarity thing, sort of? If you get a character who qualifies for one of those things, it’s a BIG DEAL. Secondly, it already changes with jobs, so…

- Alright, alright, you’ve twisted my arm :)

That should now be included for the most recent update along with a couple of new titles so that all of the more rare traits (not counting crafting ones) should have one. Let me know if there’s any issues as while it was a fairly straightforward change I didn’t get a chance to test that particular bit.

Thanks for reading and here’s to another hundred of these. 

#Q&A #meaningless milestones

[poetic-beats]

Update: Good news

The lady I saw with the crisis team was absolutely amazing. Honestly I wanted to hug her at the end but i felt that would not be appropriate.

She sat and listened to us for over an hour. Like we were literally in there with her until gone 8pm...

I was like what now...its gone 8 wow...but she didnt like say anything about it she didnt like stop us or whatever...you know she let me and my mum talk away and she asked the questions she needed to ask.

She was just so lovely. So SO lovely. She completely empathised and understood my situation and my mums feelings and situation handling all this.

She is gonna refer me back to meadow lodge but hopefully i get the other psychiatrist not my old one.

But also it was more because i obviously need emergency care and to refer me to a brand new psychiatrist place outside of my area too would take longer. 

Also there is this whole thing because i was discharged less than 6 months ago when the crisis team put in a referral the process should happen very fast from her sending in the referral to the psychiatrist team at Meadow Lodge making an appointment for me. Because of the time span between the referral from her and me being discharged from Meadow Lodge.

Where as a new place I would just be getting an appointment as a new patient with no record of ever being under their care and I wouldn’t necessarily get seen as fast.

I am hesitant if i do end up with my old psychiatrist again but she told me I can always write in a complaint to my psychiatrists manager. I did not know this was even a thing as she is the head of the psychiatrists at Meadow Lodge but the lady explained to me they should usually and always do have someone in charge of that whole place as they have more than just psychiatrists working there so its like the top guy who runs the whole meaodw lodge and the psychiatrist i saw just was sort of the manager of the psychiatry department within the lodge but thats comforting to know there is someone above her at the lodge that i can file a complaint with if i get her again.

Also my GP and the crisis team lady were confused about why i’d never been offered CBT or even told that there is a free self referral place in my town that offers CBT the crisis team lady was very shocked that I was NEVER given this option or ever told about it.

Because I had mentioned I had asked my ex psychiatrist for CBT as an example of the other kinds of therapy I had wanted. Because one thing to point out.

BPD’s main treatment is DBT with mindfulness. Bipolar therapy is CBT. 

The mindfulness portion of the BPD therapy which i sat through before having to leave for my own good due to a Mania that was not helped by the teachings of the mindfulness course which told me to live in the moment and forget the future or past and consequences basically like trying to reduce anxiety i suppose but someone in a bipolar mania cannot handle that youre basically giving me a green light to spend all my money and be reckless. 

And the lady at the crisis team completely understood this! Which was refreshing. It is as if they didnt take into account BOTH my conditions when offering me this therapy. And when i brought up this issue to my ex psychiatrist she got defensive and rude and then discharged me. 

But yes...I am excited now that i can do CBT which is not gonna trigger the BPD and will be effective for the Bipolar oh and its not that CBT doesnt work on BPD patients its just they believe BPD patients might respond better too DBT.

But as you know every patient is different and its not a one shoe fits all. Also this information only goes on the basis of someone having JUST BPD not that AND bipolar. 

So you cant say oh BPD patients respond to DBT that is what you will do. Because I also have Bipolar and DBT is NOT recommended for obvious reasons for that. So they should have taken that into account. AND CBT on patients with BOTH conditions well it can work. 

Obviously in an ideal world I would receive a multi disciplinary approach a psychotherapist who draws the best bits from multiple therapeutic techniques to combat the issues within both my disorders. But I NEVER have and NEVER will expect that on the NHS given its current state. Sad thing is when looking for private therapists in my surrounding areas. They do not seem to be helping out BPD and Bipolar patients. Let alone someone with both.

Most just offer therapy for PTSD OCD ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION and GRIEVANCE THERAPY like literally the BASICS.

I found one woman who is trained extensively in BPD adults. and has done a therapy which ive read up on and sounds amazing and results sound amazing but its relatively new to the Therapy world as most therapies have been around for a LONG time so this schema therapy completely redefines how we treat a patient with BPD. But as i said its shown amazing results. 

But she IS around £80 a session possibly up to £100.

and I would more than likely be having bare minimum fortnightly meetings with her. So that could be anywhere between 200-400 pounds a month depending if its weekly or fortnightly.

That is a LOT of money. 

Money neither me or my parents have right now.

However if i DO get my DLA (PIP) which currently I cannot do given the horrible letter my Psychiatrist gave me. Then I might get enough money from that to pay for my therapy. 

But right now though I can self refer to this CBT therapy so that might be enough and might be all I need at this moment in time to help myself and unlock the tools i need to further my development and recovery. 

So yes. I also really need to be on some form of anti psychotic or mood stabiliser as i am currently on a high dose anti depressant and my psychiatrist discharged me on this dose without warning really oh this is probably very dangerous and your risk of Bipolar relapse is VERY high.

So..yeah and here I am now. Although every meeting I actually had with her this year before discharging me I was in a Bipolar relapse. My GP when i got discharged and went to see him did make a comment on my moods there and then.

Something my psychiatrist either did not pick up on or did but chose to discharge me anyways because as she said to us in our final meeting that other people are waiting for this service we cant help you forever and ive got to learn to manage my conditions on my own and handle it on my own.

Which we get but if youve not given me tools to manage on my own im going in blind which is why i need therapy. To increase the tools in my toolkit to help myself.

That is like taking a persons walking stick away and saying youve got this problem with your leg but more people are in the queue behind you so you need to learn to manage this on your own and find out your own ways of coping but we arent gonna give you any tips or tools to help you good bye...and then expecting someone to know how to help themselves aka get a walking stick although its an obvious answer to get a walking stick so the analogy maybe doesnt work at that level but you get my point.

But I feel a lot less worse than i was yesterday. So I am not too bad right now given how yesterday went.

[jeonginnied]

a lot to process

requested

tagged fluff, enemies to lovers!au, profanity

pairing seo changbin x reader

mini note hhhhh this turned out a LOT longer than i thought it was gonna be but sjsjsjs whatever, also im sorry that changbin doesn’t appear until about halfway through (and yes i know, he would never act like this, it’s a story, we all know changbin is a sweetheart irl.)

“hey, y/n, mr. seo told me to tell you that you’re gonna be working late again.”

in an instant, your head shoots up as your eyes widen and stare up at chan, who’s a co-worker of yours. “you’re kidding me.” you respond immediately, not even the slightest look of emotion on your face. chan shakes his head with a look of sadness. “i’m so sorry, really—y/n, you really shouldn’t even have to do this,” the curly haired co-worker of yours says, and you move to respond when another voice beats you to i. “i agree.” the person says, and as you listen to them you immediately realize that it’s woojin.

“i seriously have no idea why changbi—i mean, mr. seo, overworks you so much. it’s not like you’ve ever called in late before, or showed up late. i mean, hell, i get that your his assistant and technically he’s supposed to be allowed to boss you around and stuff, but this is getting bad. you’ve worked like 45 hours this week, and we’re only like three-fourths of the way in.”

you nod in agreement before letting a sigh fall from your mouth. “i know this is bullshit, but it’s not like i can do anything, y’know? as annoying as it may be working here, this job pays really well, so.” you explain sadly, staring to the ground as you lightly kick your feet at the air. “maybe you can.. maybe you can do something about it..” chan says slowly, and both you and woojin stare at him with confused eyes. “i mean, you’re like the only person allowed in mr. seo’s office without being called up there, and.. i don’t know, it might be a crazy idea, but you could go up there and try to talk to him, i guess?”

chan barely finishes speaking his words before you’re already immediately shaking your head in disagreement. “i can’t. trust me, i’ve tried that before, but all i got in response was an order to go get him a coffee and an, ‘i’ll think about it,’ so i doubt there’s a chance.” you explain, and both of the boys frown. “and i was even nice when i did it! that was the sweetest i’ve ever been towards anyone ever, and mr. seo still didn’t listen! god, i really don’t understand what that man wants from me, seriously.”

it goes quiet between the three of you, before woojin suddenly hums, confusing both you and chan. the both of you look over to the oldest of you three, seeing that he’s got his eyes focused onto the ground, as he (for some reason) does whenever he’s thinking about something. “what if.. what if that’s the problem?” woojin suggests after a moment of the two of you watching him in total silence, and you raise an eyebrow at his words. “what do you mean by that?” chan nods to what you said, showing that he’s wondering the same exact thing.

“what if you were too nice last time? i mean, sure, i guess i could be wrong, but i highly doubt it, i mean i’m the kim woojin, i’m never—“ chan quickly cuts him off, rolling his eyes. “just get to the point already, hyung,” he tells the older boy, who only sticks his tongue out childishly before continuing. “what i meant was, i think you should try talking to him again, but this time more.. firmly. i mean, i don’t know for sure that it’ll work, but have you ever noticed mr. seo during meetings? he never agrees with people until they actually stand up against him and their serious.”

you look over to chan, who shrugs slightly and tilts his head. “i mean... woojin does have a good point. it’s worth a shot to try, right?” the australian inquires, and you nod slowly after a moment. “i guess you guys are right. i’ll go try this, but i swear to god, kim woojin, if i lose my job because of this, you’re finding me another one.” woojin smiles and nods that he will. “and..” you continue, “you have to do my laundry for the next month, too,” as those words fall from your mouth, the eldest’s eyes widen in surprise. you can hear him start to disagree and beg not to have to do so, but you’re already walking away by that time.

of course, this is the one time that your elevator ride to the floor above seems to pass by quite fast. truth be told, you had hoped that maybe the entire lift would suddenly get stuck and you wouldn’t have to do this. sadly enough, though, that doesn’t happen, and now you’re on your way to your boss’ office now. once you reach mr. seo’s office door, you stare at the door worriedly. the thought of just going back downstairs and backing down from this crosses your mind as your phone suddenly buzzes in your pocket. it’s a text.

chan [4.28 PM] stop thinking about backing out!! you’ve got this, y/n

you [4.28 PM] pfft. i wasnt thinking about backing out

chan [4.29 PM] suuuuure...

you [4.29 PM] oh sHUT UP i’m going in now

chan [4.30 PM] THATS MY GIRL!!! go get ‘em, tiger!!

you turn off your phone with a slight smile. as oddly weird chan was at times, he sure was good about cheering you up and just helping you out in general. had it not been for him, you probably would’ve backed down and just made an excuse for why you didn’t go through with everything. (not that chan or woojin would’ve believed you anyway—you really weren’t the best liar, as you can oh so obviously tell from the texts above)

taking a deep breath, your hand reaches up in a fist position, knocking on the door softly. you hear a rough voice mumble something along the lines of ‘come in’ and ‘what do you want,’ so you take whatever he’s said as a reason to twist the doorknob and walk inside of the office. it’s all white, as usual, aside from your boss himself, who wears an all black outfit.

“mr. seo.. i, um, i wanted to talk to you about something.” you start quietly, and your boss barely even lifts his head to glance at you before he goes back to staring at his papers and working. “sure, whatever, but make it quick. i have to get these papers finished and to an office across town by five thirty—which, by the way, you’ll be doing the transportation partition i just mentioned—so really, you’ll be the judge of how long this takes, y/n.”

you start to nod obediently before remembering what woojin had said to you just minutes before. this was getting bad, and you were ready to put a stop to everything. “no.” you say quietly, looking at your boss seriously. he slowly looks up to you, raising an eyebrow. “what do you mean, ‘no’? you don’t say no to me, i’m your boss!” you scoff. “sure, maybe you are, mr. seo, but, no offense—actually, no, huge offense—you treat me like absolute shit.

“every single day i come here so early in the morning, yet i’m still leaving here last, and you know why that is? because every day, you’re always telling me i have to work overtime, and you know, i’m so sick of it. sure, maybe i don’t live with anyone, but i still have a life, mr. seo! i don’t wanna be here from eight am to nearly eleven at night, okay? i’ve even tried coming to you about this before, too, and you know what you said? you told me that you would ‘think about it’ and then you immediately ordered me to get you a coffee. i’m sorry if this offends you, mr. seo, but i’m so done, i can’t take this kind of treatment anymore.”

you realize that your eyes have been looking everywhere this entire time, and that’s why you don’t realize when your boss is in front of you until he’s suddenly kissing you—wait, what?! you’re right. he is kissing you, but why? didn’t he like, hate you?

after a moment he pulls away, face still being softly held in his grasp. “i’m sorry. god, i’m so fucking sorry, y/n, oh my god. i didn’t even realize that i had been treating you like shit until now, and just—i’m sorry.” he apologizes, and you look into his eyes to see whether or not he’s serious. “and as for why i always have you work overtime.. i really like you, y/n. i know it seems childish or whatever that i would keep you here for personally reasons, and trust me, it is, but i just. i never really get to talk to you, and i guess i just got so caught up in work that i didn’t realize i was hurting you until now. shit, i’m so fucking sorry, y/n. a-and, i completely understand if you hate me now.”

you sit there in shock. your boss... the same boss who’s treated you like shit for about a year now, the same boss who constantly gives you overtime for no reason whatsoever, the same boss who never seems to listen to you.. likes you?

“this.. this is a lot to process.” you speak up after a while, and mr. seo just nods slowly. “i get it, really. and i’m serious, i get it if you hate me now, i mean.. i sure would.” he says, and you shake your head immediately. “i don’t hate you. i mean, i don’t exactly reciprocate your feelings as of now, but i don’t hate you. you’re human, mr. seo, we all make mistakes.” you explain. “but, if you’d like, i’m willing to get to know you better.. over dinner sometime, perhaps?”

he agrees instantly with a happy smile on his face. “y-yes! i mean, um, sure, let’s do it!” your boss attempts to hide his excitement, brutally failing at doing so as his smile grows even larger. “also, y/n? you can call me, changbin, you know. i actually prefer it, really. but only with you, and if you’d like,” you nod, smiling a bit. “of course.. changbin,”

needless to say, woojin’s idea definitely worked better than any of you had thought it would. (then again, though, it is kind of a bummer that you now have to do all of your laundry still.)

#stray kids #skz #stray kids oneshot #skz oneshot #seo changbin #changbin #seo changbin oneshot #changbin oneshot #skz enemies to lovers #stray kids enemies to lovers #changbin enemies to lovers #enemies to lovers au

[hippityhoppityyourenowmyproperty]

Reset!Rant (part 4)

Blackout

Chapter: 1

Thad: "Even though Craydl was programmed to obey my dear grandfather over me, he still could hold a conversation and be useful. While you have some rudimentary communicative abilities, it's not the same. I could say the same of Bart."

This is a put down that comes out of the blue and it shows how normal it has become for Thad to resort to insulting Bart. This insult is especially tasteless when you remember that a lot of ND people have problems with verbal communication/talk too fast/talk too loud or too quiet/have trouble expressing their thought and can go nonverbal. So yeah, basically another slice at Bart for having ADHD, wouldn't you know it.

Thad's vision blacked out and he grabbed the washing machine for stability. If felt as if the bottom fell out of his world. He knew this feeling all too well now, but it had never been as bad as this. He staggered away from the laundry and into the kitchen to sit.

.................................... Helen's voice echoed from the kitchen. "Thad? I just got a call from the school. Bart passed out in class and I'm going to pick him up. I'll be home soon." When Helen returned home with Bart, Thaddeus was waiting in the kitchen with a smirk on his face. "You passed out?" Bart scowled and stomped off to dump his backpack and jacket off on his bedroom floor. Thaddeus snorted, still sneering.

Making fun of someone because they showed physical weakness, that's stereotypical school yard bullying right there. "Haha look at you you loser! You passed out. You're such a weakling!" Thad is so...pathetic in this. He is so desperate for power, so desperate to be superior to Bart. He waited all this time in the kitchen just so that he could throw Bart this line. He clinges to everythign that will make him appear better than Bart. He obssessively seeks out every little one of his flaws and mistakes in order to maintain his big ego. It's almost pittyful. Of course he snots at Bart, of course he is behaving as condescending as possible. Thad is the kind of person who kicks someone who's already on the ground. This is just...So ugly to read. Hey Thad, you nearly passed out earlier this day, I don't see you shaming yourself for being weak. What's the difference? What's making you so special that you don't deserve to be shamed for it?

Hey Helen, you're just going to ignore Thad very obviously and viciously bullying the closest person you have to a son? You're not gonna repriment him for it so that he won't continue to destroy Bart's self esteem and his mental health? No? Great, it would be very confusing if you suddenly started being a responsible parent.

Thaddeus leaned against the doorway with crossed arms. "You're pathetic." He sneered.

Funny that you mention it, have you looked in the mirror lately?

Chapter: 2

Mike gestured to Bart's injuries. "You could say that you got hit in the face with a basketball or something." Bart slung the bag over his shoulder and pushed the bathroom door open. Maybe he could just go home? No, Thad was there, and he didn't want to listen to his evil twin berate him about getting bloodied in a fight.

Through his frequent put downs, Thad now made Bart afraid to show weakness. He knows that Thad will make fun of his vulnerability and won't be of any help to him.

Thad: "No moron, I'm playing with a tesseract puzzle." His voice was dripping with condescending sarcasm. "What else would I be doing?"

Another put down out of the blue. And a very sordid one, I might add.

Chapter: 3

A commotion in the backyard grabbed her attention and she saw Bart and Thad duking it out again. "Oh, for the love of...Wally, I'll call you back. The boys are really at it this time. I swear, Thad needs to get out of the house and get a life, and Bart needs to stop antagonizing him."

Hmm, that's odd. I could've sworn that Thad was the one who constantly ripped on Bart, was a dick to him and provoked Bart with "You've got ADHD so you're dumb" insults, and Bart was the one who remained friendly despite having to endure insult after insult without retailiating. Are you referring to the times Bart called Thad a jerk and said "Like you're any better"? Are those the oh so bad words Bart calls Thad that justify you saying "He's antagonizing him"? Because, and maybe that's just me, but calling someone who is neurodivergent a r*tard, moron, idiot, shortbus, brainless, annoying, destructive, a nuisance, hyperactive, embarrassing, dense, pathetic, saying that they have "Rudimentary communicative abilities", that they "probably got distracted with by something shiny" and implying over and over again that they're stupid and useless, that you see it as a disgrace to be related to them, that you'd like to beat them up, (and actually beating them up) and that they're inferior to you because of aspects of their personality they can't control is a bit worse than saying "Jerk" to defend yourself in response to being called those insults. And somehow we should believe that Bart is the one who is antagonizing Thad? What the fuck is wrong with you people? Thad is so obviously abusing Bart in this, I don't know how anyone couldn't see this. Screw Helen, she has no sense of fairness and justice when it comes to Bart's treatment. Do I have to explain the word favoritism? How come she lets Thad get away with was worse stuff? Why doesn't she chew him out for all the stuff he put Bart through? He was very clearly shaming him for having ADHD im Helen's presence, and she didn't do shit.

I'm 100% sure Thad started this conflict with some "You're inferior to me" comment and was also the one who got physical first.

Helen: "You don't even know?! Get in here and go to your rooms!" The boys let go of each other and sulked past Helen. "I swear you two, if you were girls, I would be blaming hormones for these outbursts."

Yeah, let's just casually ignore the fact that testosterones are the hormones that increase aggressive behavior and that boys produce about 16× more testosterone than girls, and that men are known to be quicker to express their anger through violence than women. (Cite: Men vs. Women: Hormones; a transgender perspective, Why do women and men respond differently to anger? PsychCentral) I guess I can add "sexist" to the list of things that make Helen an unlikable person. Also, glad to know that she now cares about breaking up a fight between them. Play fighting for fun in the yard? Absolutely not! What were you thinking? Why do you act like that? You should know better! Shady sparring fight in the streets? Sure Thad go ahead! Nothing wrong with beating up your brother to release your anger!

Chapter: 4

Thad answered with a smirk, "That you're a hyperactive brat who would just get more destructive when introduced to sizable amounts of caffeine."

Bart glowered and crossed his arms. "Shut up! I am not!" Thad lifted his chin in victory. "See? Hit the matk. I'm right."

Both Helen and Konner sit next to Bart and they say nothing in response.

Kon chuckled as Bart settled down at the table. "Man, I kinda missed that."

"Missed what?" Bart asked.

"You driving people nuts. Inertia's not Rob or Wondy but he flips out pretty fast." Thad snarled at Kon, "They don't have to live with him!"

Bart has been nothing but nice to Thad. Bart is the one who has to live with Thad's constant belittling. Thad has deluded himself into believing that he is the victim here, but he's really not. Bart is. Bart has been trying to help Thad, even though he was a total douchebag who constantly humiliated him. Bart has to live with Thad.

Chapter: 5

Kon: "Seriously, don't you have any other modes than "up yours" or "sideways"? You're going to die a lonely virgin life if you keep this up. Yeah, I get that your childhood was stolen by an evil madman and all, but you're preaching to the choir here. Dude, get over it. We did." Thad's glare darkened and he clenched his fist. Lunging forward with a punch, he stopped just short striking Kon. Shaking with fury, Thad backed away and left the kitchen. Bart sighed and leaned against the kitchen counter. "He's gonna need to spar today and I'm all beat up already."

"You don't have to be his punching back."

"I'm not a punching back. I hit back."

I agree with Kon up until the "just get over it" part. It's nice to see someone finally calling Thad out on his demanding and shitty attitude, but telling an abuse victim to "just get over it" isn't good advice, either. What Kon should have told him was that Thad should work on his behavior and that him having been abused doesn't make it okay for him to abuse others.

The dialoge after that between Kon and Bart is another attempt on the author's part of justifying this situation. The "I hit back" isn't very encouraging when you consider that Thad is a way better fighter than Bart. The "He needs to spar today and I'm all beat up already" makes it very clear that Bart would rather not participate in a duel, but does it anyway because he feels pressured to keep Thad's emotions in check. Without Bart sacrificing his own well being, Thad would've gotten himself into a lot of trouble by beating up random people in blind rage. And Bart knows this. Despite what this sentence is trying to make you belive, their fights aren't balanced. Thad can easily overpower and outsmart him in a duel. At the end of the day, Bart is still his punching back.

Chapter: 5

Seeking Thad out, Bart found him in the library, talking with a couple of upperclassmen girls. Bart pulled him aside, much to Thad's annoyance. "I'm gonna need some help. Eddie's-" "Not my problem," Thad interrupted. "I don't care what's going on." "Look, getting beat up was just the start of it. He's-" "Not. My. Problem." Thad turned away from Bart. "If he got himself into it, he can get himself out of it. This is a waste of my time." "I just want you to back me up."

This kind of sums up what kind of person Thad is. He takes and take but doesn't repay the favors. He's cold and has no compassion. It doesn't matter to him what Bart did for him, and that he vouched for him. And going by Thad's logic, Max and Bart shouldn't have offered Thad to stay with them because; If he got himself into this situation, he can get himself out of it! Not our problem, we don't care what's going on!

Thad knows that Bart is going to do something really dangerous and could get seriously injured or even die, and he still doesn't give a fuck. He hasn't learned to care for Bart one bit.

Bart grinned at him. "You came."

"Max wanted us to take care of each other," Thad remined. "Letting you get pounded into a smear is a violation of those orders."

This is Thad admitting that the only thing that made him help is Max. I'm 100% certain that Thad would've gladly stood by and watched Bart die if it wasn't for Max. Thad still hates Bart's guts for whatever reason, and he actively shows him that every chance he gets.

Chapter: 7

"Obviously, I got my intelligence from both of our grandfathers. Pity that means there wasn't any left for you."

Hey Thad? How about you shut up and not smack talk Bart every chance you get? It would make you less of a person that deserves to get hit multiple times in the teeth with a brick. This is, very obviously, another put down directed at Bart's ADHD that is disguised as a joke.

Jerking his head up, Bart nodded. "You would do that?" "What kind of evil twin do you think I am?" Thad huffed in mock offense. "I only beat you up and ridicule your intelligence, not withhold precious words of wisdom that can be thrown in Wally's face whenever he gets his tights in a wad about you not being the perfect little sidekick. He treated Bart to a wicked grin. Legacies are more than a name and a costume."

Oh don't worry Thad, you're not the evil clone, you're just the abusive, selfish, cold hearted, self entitled, manipulative, egotistical brother. Yes, you 'only' did those things. They are still reprehensible and loathsome. They will still mess up a person and are unforgivable. Turning your actions into a joke doesn't make them funny or acceptable. The fact that he admits to his wrongdoings but doesn't see them as reprehensible speaks volume about his personality. He talks about his crude actions with such satisfaction and confidence as if he were proud of them. After everything I read about Thad in this, it's very likely that he is.

And the reason why he does Bart a favor here? Again, just doing it for himself. He tells Bart these things not becaus he likes Bart, but becaus he dislikes Wally for that whole legacy thing and wants him to suffer. Thad is self projecting about his issues with his legacy.

#tw abuse #tw manipulation #sibling abuse #bart allen #thad thawne #impulse #inertia #reset!rant #max crandal #helen claibrone

[clownmoontoon]

While I'm not the same anon you responded to earlier, I'd like to point you to Momo's hero internship as a reference to Horikoshi's poor treatment of her: the whole thing is a 'fuck you' to her character, and the fact that every female character's arcs are so short and that they're never talked about again is a big red flag, especially compared to the male bnha characters. And does Momo's hero costume really have to be like That?

AW MAN I TOTALLY DISAGREE ABOUT ALL THIS

ESPECIALLY THE INTERNSHIP!!!!((but i appreciate you not approaching the subject in the same manner as the other anon haha))

uraraka and tsuyu (both girls!!) got AMAZING internships that we see a lot of!! both learned a lot bc of them, and we see exactly what we need to see that will be applied later. if you complain about the girls being cut short you have to admit that the boys were too! i dont even remember what tokoyami or tail boy were doing bc theyre secondary and tertiary characters! its not sexist to put the main character of a story in the lime light!!

ofc the intern arc is gonna focus more on deku!

now specifically speaking of momo’s internship

I CANT EVEN CONTAIN HOW MUCH I DISAGREE ABOUT IT BEING A “RED FLAG”/ “CUT SHORT”/ OR A “FUCK YOU” ITS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER BUILDING ARCS FOR HER AND IF IT MADE YOU FEEL BAD TO SEE HER LIKE THAT THEN

GOOD

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO FEEL SORRY FOR HER

her internship SUCKED obviously but it sucked for a reason when she was in the tournament she never got to showcase her powers, so when this pro hero picked her it wasnt based on how well she could fight as a hero, but on how cute she looked

SHE EVEN SAYS IT TO MOMO’S FACE AND IT CRUSHES HER

she was so excited to even be picked at all but then it turns out its not for her brains or powers, its for her looks

this is what avalanches momo’s overthinking and over-analyzing personality to the breaking point. even when the red head (who’s name i cant remember atm) tells her smth to the effect of “wow this sucks but lets at least have fun” momo cant

she cant let loosethe whole time she feels like there is something she should be doing, and worrying that maybe this is all she is good for; being pretty

AND ITS ESPECIALLY CRUSHING BC SHE TOOK ON THIS INTERNSHIP IN HOPES OF LEARNING HOW TO BETTER HERSELF IN COMBAT

AND EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE HAPPENED

BC OF SHIT LUCK

WHICH IS LIFE SOME TIMES, REAL LIFE SUCKS SOME TIMES EVEN WHEN YOURE A PRETTY GIRL

so after failing in the tournament and suffering through a worthless internship, the girl who started at the top, entering the school under recommendation so she didnt even have to take the entrance exams, suddenly feels absolutely worthless 

its bc of this that aizawa is so determined to fight her and todoroki in their next test

with their quirks taken away what they need is strategy

not power

in this moment, after encouragement from her friend, she suddenly realizes

WAIT HOLD UP IM A BADASS BITCH AND I CAN DO THIS

she’s wobbly at first but in the end they win thanks to her cunning.

AND HERE’S THE FUCKING THING ABOUT HER OUTFIT AND HER BODY BC I KNOW EVERYONE LOVES TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS((under the cut bc this post is already long haha))

momo, as she is written, is completely unaware of how sexy her body looks.

when jiro brings up like HOLY SHIT HEY YOUR CLOTHES TORE OFF

does momo get flustered and cover up immediately like most girls would?

no.

there’s a fucking job to do so she cheerfully responds “no worries i can make more clothes”

as if the biggest issue here is that her clothes ripped, not that she isnt wearing any. thats how unaware she is of anything physical about her.

something that i think a lot of people, and girls especially, dont realize is that when girls are naturally athletic/born with “good” bodies they end up not thinking about their body very much, if at all

theyre insecure about other things haha

i think a big part of why i respect horikoshi for momo’s design is that he made it canon that the students design their own outfits

momo, a 15 year old girl, designed this outfit for herself

bc, in her overly analytical mind,  it was the best design to serve the function needed. IT NEVER EVEN OCCURRED TO HER THAT HER TIDDIES ARE JUST KINDA OUT THERE

bc a lot of young girls who get more “mature” bodies dont even realize its happening and dont think about it til much later

I WOULDNT BE SURPRISED IF BY THE TIME MOMO TURNS 18 SHE’S LIKE HOLY FUCK MY OUTFIT WAS REVEALING

and you can spin this to mean “oh no horikoshi wants a 15 year old girl to be half naked bc he’s a perv” but personally i think its super neat that he took this innocent girl who has a VERY COMMON BODY TYPE among teenage girls, ((that is rarely ever showcased in anything i might add)), and doesnt even think about anything beyond her mental and physical capabilities, and never ever even mentions her looks, and made her into this amazing character full of depth!!!!

HER CHARACTER MAKES SENSE FOR HER AGE AND BODY!!!!!

THAT IS HOW A GIRL THAT YOUNG, WHO MATURED PHYSICALLY BEFORE MENTALLY WOULD ACT

THAT IS MOMO’S WHOLE CHARACTER; SOMEONE WHO LOOKS AND ACTS MATURE BUT IS ACTUALLY STILL A CHILD TRYING THEIR BEST

WHICH IS WHAT AIZAWA WAS SAYING FROM THE START OF THEIR FIGHT, AND WHY HE WORKS SO HARD TO HELP HER GET HER CONFIDENCE BACK

AND IM GETTING ALL THIS FROM A FUCKING TERTIARY FEMALE CHARACTER!!!! THATS HOW MUCH HORIKOSHI CARES ABOUT ALL THE CHARACTERS IN HIS STORY

MALE AND FEMALE!!!!!!

i wouldnt be surprised if mineta was a joke character made out of spite just to make fun of everyone who tried to call his in depth characters pervy

i mean all might was designed out of spite so its possible haha 

#momo yaoyorozu #yaoyorozu momo #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #bnha #mha #clown honks #anon #HONESTLY THIS WAS A LOT OF FUN!!! #I ADORE MOMO AND LOVE TALKING ABOUT HER BC HER GROWTH AS A CHARACTER IS STUNNING QUQ #moonime

[bburningbridges]

in this life, the days are full of joy

Summary: Kaldur is a kid--despite his best efforts to deny himself that right--and therefore, should live as kids do: happily. (In which Kaldur makes some friends, learns some lessons, and falls in love, smiling.)

notes: my embarrassingly late YJ Mini Big Bang fic! it takes place in season 1 and the art was drawn by the wonderful @shadesninde​! i love the results and im so glad this came together so well!!!

+

 It starts with Batman. Or rather, the girl by Batman’s side, with eyes half-closed from what could be weariness or simply exhaustion and fishnets. It takes Kaldur all of ten seconds to recognize her as Zatara’s daughter, and his stomach does that horrible motion that feels like ocean waves crashing against rocks. He never lets it show in face, choosing instead to meet her and give the smallest, most reassuring smile he can manage without drawing Batman’s attention.

 Zatanna, on her part, responds with the barest quirk of her lips--Kaldur takes it as a step in the right direction.

 “Aqualad,” Batman says, “a word.”

 Other people might end a sentence like that with a question mark. Batman is not other people. Thankfully, he’s coming to a stopping point in his book anyway, and puts up no fight as he stows Steig Larsson away for later. The flooring in the cave feels cold even to him as he goes to meet Batman and Zatanna, and about two paces away from them he’s vaguely aware that Robin’s probably in a vent somewhere, watching.

“Hello, Batman, Zatanna,” Kaldur says, and then to Zatanna adds, “My condolences about your father. How have you been faring?”

 “Thank you, Kaldur,” she says soft, but sincere. She turns her gaze to the side and nods shakily, “I’ve been…..faring, I guess.”

 He nods, accepting it as a valid answer; he can see the oceanic storms in her eyes and for that reason, it is answer enough. “The team and I are available for you in any way. If there is anything we can do to help you, please, let me know.”

 Zatanna looks at him again, this time her eyes are shiny and he does his best to not react to that. “Thanks,” she says again, but she sounds less shaky this time.

 “This is actually what I wanted to talk to you about,” Batman says. “The League--and Zatanna, of course--have decided to place her on the team, permanently for now. She fits well into your dynamic and has already proved to us that she’s a powerful asset.”

 Batman has a curious way of cheering up others--perhaps he knows that his oddly professional compliments delivered in his deep monotone are as grounding as they are factual; there’s something about his delivery that can straighten shoulders, lift chins, brighten smiles. Kaldur’s seen it in just about every team member and Zatanna is no exception; she sniffs once and then tries to hide a fairly satisfied smile behind it.

 “And the company’s not so bad,” she adds, in a tone more like herself.

 “I am happy to hear it,” he says, and he means it, wholeheartedly, and hopes Zatanna grasps that. He extends a hand out to her, and when she reaches out to meet it, grabs her in a firm Atlantean shake. “Welcome to the team, Zatanna. We are happy to have you.”

 “Honestly speaking….I’m pretty happy to have you guys too, Kaldur.”

 He smiles automatically, one that she returns in full, and as they release each other Batman says, “Call in the rest of the team.”

 “Ah,” Kaldur hums, casting his eyes up to the vent just a bit to the left of them, “I am sure by now they now. Is that not correct, Robin?”

 It turns out he was wrong--Robin drops out of the vent to the right of them, clucking his tongue. “Getting soft in your old age, Kal? I practically told you where I was.”

 Zatanna, surprisingly, doesn’t have the face most acquire after they witness Robin drop from the unknown for the first time. She looks more amused than scared, which is a convincing sign that she’s in the right place. “Welcome to team, Zee,” Robin grins, somehow unfazed by the hard glare Batman’s aiming at him. “Don’t worry about making a formal call, Kal.”

 “I know,” he says, one eyebrow quirked. “Where you go, Kid Flash is not far behind.”

 As if on cue, Kid Flash appears in the room in--well, a flash--one arm propped on Robin’s shorter shoulder. And the rest of the team trickles in after that, trying to look surprised even though Kaldur knows full well they’re a bunch of snoops who’ve likely been listening to the conversation since the beginning. He sighs, equal parts exasperated and affectionate for the lot of them, when Batman is suddenly hovering next to him and speaking in a tone low enough that no one else can pick up.

 “Look out for her, Aqualad. You aren’t just leading a team of heroes--but a circle of friends. Zatanna needs support both on and off a battlefield.”

 “I understand,” Kaldur nods, and Batman makes a vaguely approving sound in the back of his throat. He takes his leave not too long after, Zatanna standing amidst a circle of new friends, and when her gaze floats to catch his eye, he meets her smile with one equally sincere.

 +

 It turns out that Zatanna fits into the team like a glove--especially, to Kaldur’s exasperation, with Robin’s schemey tendencies and Artemis’ blunt honesty. Which is to say she spends a great deal of time drifting about Kaldur and being nosy.

 “So….what do you do for fun around here?”

 Kaldur sips his tea, eyeing her over the rim. He knows this tactic. He’s too savvy to the rest of them; she’s building up to something.

 “Stop crime throughout the globe in the event that the League--”

 “Kal.”

 He smirks, to remind her that she’s not the only one with a sense of humor. “Read, mostly,” he admits. “I was rushed to learn English as quickly as possible and I prefer to practice often to keep myself sharp.”

 Zatanna looks humbly surprised. “What kind of books?”

 “Stieg Larsson, as of late.”

 “Good choice,” she says. “Have you seen the movie yet?”

 He pauses in his next sip. “Movie?”

 “Yeah! It’s so--actually, I won’t spoil it for you. But now we have Friday night plans.”

 “Do we now?”

 “Yes, you nerd, I will chain your ass to that couch if I have to but you’re watching that movie with me. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.”

 Laughing, Kaldur simply shakes his head. “If you insist.”

 “Insist I do,” Zatanna sniffs. “Oh, here’s a question for you--is there math under the sea? Like do you learn to do calculus with fish or…?”

 “Ha,” he says dryly. She simply grins at him; it matches Robin’s. He can hardly believe how alike they act already and it’s barely been two weeks. “Yes, we learn math in our school systems.”

 “Great!” And, ah, there it is--Zatanna whips out a notebook and a paperback workbook. “Please help me, I think algebra might actually kill me.”

 Either her tone of voice, or maybe the sheer despair in her expression, squeezes a laugh out of him, and he tries to compose himself in a reasonable amount of time without accidentally offending her. It sort of works, but she mostly seems pleased that she’s gotten him to break.

 “Of course,” he says, still staving off extra waves of giggles. “Though I make no promises that I know any of this any better than you do. I haven’t looked at this type of work in a long time.”

 Zatanna already has a pencil in his hand, somehow, so he guesses she’s largely unfazed by that fact. “Let me guess--you’re in like, advanced advanced honors math?”

 “Wha--oh, you misunderstand,” he explains, after a moment’s confusion, “I do not attend school on the surface at all.”

 “What?”

 (She doesn’t seem outraged, more like betrayed. Also, like she may be plotting to do whatever it is that he’s done to ensure herself the same treatment.)

 Kaldur wiggles his free hand, showing his obviously webbed fingers and tattoo. “I’m far too noticeable. There is not enough makeup in the world to hide my true self from civilians.”

 “You lucky duck.”

 “It’s not as great as you’re thinking,” he says honestly. “The cave has been lonesome as of late, now that M’gann and Connor are attending school. Black Canary enjoys...how do you put it...”

 “Kicking the crap out of you?”

 “Precisely.”

 She snorts, propping her chin in her hand as she leans on the tabletop. “Yeah, but I’d rather put my feet up all day than go through this,” and she gestures grandly at the homework laid out. “This is like torture by quadratic formula.”

 “It keeps you busy,” he points out.

 “Yeah, I guess, mom, but it’s still boring.”

 “Zatanna--”

 “What about Red Arrow?” she interrupts. “He’s sort of on the team, isn’t he? Robin and Wally barely shut up about him. I guess I figured he’d be around more, since you guys are so close.”

 Kaldur hates how quickly he clams up at the mere mention of Roy; in a handful of seconds he’s gone from perfectly fine to not, just because she brought him up. Hopefully, it does not show on his face. He clears his throat to give him an extra moment to kickstart his brain, and then says, “Roy visits occasionally.”

 “But?”

 “But….it is just that: occasional. He does not like it here.”

 Don’t tell her how often you go to his place, he thinks

 “Typically, I make the trip to visit him.”

 ….Damn it.

 “See! That’s fun! I’m stuck in a desk all day and you get to galavant around the city with Roy.” She makes a truly bizarre face at him as she says Roy’s name, and Kaldur’s mortification is hidden by the startled laugh it draws from him.

 “I am getting the feeling that you will not believe me no matter what I say.”

 “Correcto, Kal. Deny all you want, but lounging around the cave all day must be nice. We’ll be doing a lot of that together, won’t we, roomie?” She cracks her knuckles and points a problem on the open page. “Now, be a dear and explain to me what the hell conics are?”

 +

 Things get both better, and worse, in a truly bizarre fashion that Kaldur has come to associate with the life of a hero. On one hand, Zatanna fits to the team like a glove, easily getting along with the other members and Kaldur himself, but members of the League make frequent checkups on her. He isn’t sure where she stands, legally, as Dr. Fate seems less inclined to release his host than ever, but from what Kaldur has picked up--certainly not by eavesdropping, of course--there may be a chance at getting Batman involved. Kaldur’s just….not going to touch that proverbial can of worms until someone can give him a rundown of what is actually going on. And on the other hand, for every cheeky line Zatanna dishes out, she has dozens of moments of pained silence, and he isn’t sure how to help her anymore than he already has been. It feels like he could do more...he just isn’t sure what ‘more’ would be.

 Plus, Kaldur’s relationship with the surface world is fluctuated more than ever. He has more bad days than good days, and he’s not sure where the sudden change came from, or if his attempts to reassure King Orin are working.

 The good news out of all of this is that he spends more of his evenings with his feet up on Roy’s dingy coffee table, listening to Roy complain and/or theorize, and generally just...hanging out.

 It’s nice. They don’t get to do this as often anymore.

 They’re both in civvies, by Roy’s request, because even he grows sick of the constant rush of always being in uniform. Kaldur finds that he doesn’t actually like arguing with Roy, particularly on trivial matters, thus the borrowed sweatpants and UCLA shirt.

 “Listen,” says Roy, which is automatically impossible for Kaldur to do because Roy has been gallivanting about the apartment without a shirt on for the last ten minutes, and it’s far more distracting that Kaldur would like to admit. “I’m just saying--”

 “Batman was very clear about discussing a possible mole,” Kaldur interrupts. “Not that I do not trust your judgement, but you are leaning too heavily on speculation.”

 “You think I dreamed up Artemis’ past?”

 “No, but I hardly believe family ties are enough to negate the fact that Artemis has nearly died for the team multiple times.”

 “The same goes for whoever the mole might be!”

 Kaldur puts a hand on his face, “Okay, allow me to rephrase: discussing this endlessly gets us nowhere, and you are giving me a headache. I came to see you because I enjoy your company, not because I enjoy talking in circles for hours on end.”

 Roy only shuts up long enough to laugh, which Kaldur isn’t as mad about as he could’ve been. “Okay, fine,” he half-chuckles. “You could’ve started with that, you know?”

 Kaldur simply shrugs. “I did not want to be misunderstood. My team is in danger, and I am grateful that you have made it a concern of yours to keep us safe, but I need a break, occasionally.”

 “Which is why you came to me, I get it. Sorry, Kal. I’m even the one who begged you to put on sweatpants, but this isn’t as relaxing as it could’ve been.” Roy looks down at the floor and sighs, then jerks a thumb to the kitchen. “I’m gonna get a soda, then we can sit down and talk and paint our nails or whatever. Want anything?”

 It’s more or less a question Roy already knows the answer to--Kaldur doesn’t have a sweet tooth, but he does have a taste for dark sodas, which Wally is half-responsible for. It was the first drink he’d ever had on the surface world aside from water, and it was essentially love at first sip. “A Dr. Pepper,” he says, and Roy darts into the kitchen to grab it.

 He comes out with two cans, tosses one at Kaldur, and drops onto the other side of the couch. After a few huge sips, he sets it down and says, “So, I talked to Ollie yesterday.”

 Kaldur pauses as he pops open his can. “Really?”

 “Well, Ollie talked to me. He says he wants to make sure I’m not dead, but he also had takeout and Fifa in his hand, which, last I checked, isn’t necessary to make sure someone’s still kicking. But anyways, he told me that Aquaman’s been a little….what’s the word…”

 Suddenly, the soda is very interesting, and Kaldur can’t look at Roy anymore.

 “Ah,” Roy says dryly, “I got it, it’s bitchy.”

 Putting a little too much force into it, Kaldur pops the tab and the drink fizzles down his hand. “King Orin has not been--”

 He stops short, because Roy’s appraising him with a specific look. And then Kaldur realizes he’s been played.  

 Shaking the soda off his hand, he fights a small smile. “...perhaps the king has been in less than high spirits.”

 “And why’s that, Kal?” Roy’s eyebrows quirk upwards. “You don’t think it’s because his uptight protege looks like someone took the fish out of his fishsticks all the time, right?”

 Kaldur can’t stop himself; he frowns, “I do not look like that. I do not even know what that would look like.”

 “It means you look like you did last time Orin got this worried about you. Did something happen with Garth and Tula again?” Roy’s tone has changed entirely, turning more quiet and gruff. “Wanna talk about it?”

 Kaldur tries not to wince. The last time he’d spoken about Garth and Tula, he’d been in a less than stellar mood, and he hadn’t skimped on tossing the word ‘heartbroken’ around. And he had been, truly, broken up over getting rejected. He’d felt like an alien in his own home. But things have changed since then; for one, he has a better relationship with his oldest friends now than before, when he’d been so reliant on Tula to uphold an image of himself that didn’t quite...exist.

 It is beyond bad timing to be thinking about...this in such close proximity to Roy, for a myriad of reasons, and besides, it isn’t entirely relevant to this particular conversation.

 “Nothing has happened with Garth and Tula,” Kaldur starts. He hesitates, then admits, “I’m worried about Zatanna.”

 “Zatara’s kid?” Roy blinks. “Why’s that?”

 “I cannot gage how well she is adjusting,” he says. “The League checks on her, but Dr. Fate is more militant in his grip on Zatara than he ever was with Kent Nelson. I fear she is not taking it well.”

 “She seems fine to me, and the League, according to Ollie.”

 Kaldur takes a small sip of his soda. “That is what worries me. I am well aware of what hiding yourself looks like, and I fear that may be what she doing.”

 “Ah,” Roy says quietly. “Is that all?”

 Kaldur’s surprised enough to cast a glance at him, which Roy simply shrugs at. “Like you said, you’re good at hiding things. Sometimes I’ve gotta a dig a little.”

 Kaldur scoffs in reply. “I believe that is something I am familiar doing towards you as well.”

 Roy smacks him with a throw pillow, nearly knocking the soda out his hand, but he’s laughing. “I get it, Kal, we both suck at being open. Now quit being a smartass and tell me what’s on your mind.”

 As the last of his chuckles fade, Kaldur sets his can down on the table, definitely does not look at Roy, and says, “My days at the Cave have been...lonelier, as of late.”

 “So you do miss Atlantis?”

 “No, I mean, well, yes, always. But not like before. And that is not the cause of my loneliness.” Kaldur sighs. “I spend most of my days in the Cave alone, while the others are at school. Frankly, it is boring. I do not know what we expected when we started this team, but I’ve made incredible friends, and I do not get to fill my days with schoolwork or family dinners the way they do. And it is...lonesome.”

 “...jeez, Kal,” Roy says. After a moment he leans forward on his knees, biceps tightening as he puts his chin on his fist. “You could, maybe, tell Aquaman that? Before he brings down the fucking government to figure out what upset you?”

 “He wouldn’t,” Kaldur says tiredly.

 “He could. Wouldn’t put it past him. He’s responsible for you and all that, he takes it very seriously.”

 Kaldur gives him a look that’s just downright confused. “What do you mean?”

 Waving his hand, Roy says, “Ollie says he’s pretty damn proud of you. Like,  if he had a wallet, it would be filled with pictures of you kind of proud.”

 There’s no intelligent comment that comes to Kaldur’s brain, so he just blinks at Roy like he’s grown as a second head.

 “It’s a joke. I mean, not really, because I’m about ninety percent sure he actually has it, but it’s just making fun of something really involved dads do.”

 “King Orin isn’t my father,” he says after several moments of silence.

 “No kidding.”

 “Then why would he--”

 His phone chimes loudly, and Kaldur cuts himself short to check the caller ID.

 “Zatanna?”

 “Kal, where are you?”

 Kaldur looks at Roy, at his sweatpants, and the couch. “...nowhere important,” and Roy makes a small sound that could be either amusement or offense, Kaldur can’t tell but turns so his back is to him anyway. “Is something wrong?”

 “What? No. Nothing at all, Kal, except you totally bailed on me.”

 “What?”

 “It’s movie night, remember? Stieg Larsson!”

 Kaldur sits there, truly confused as he racks his brain for any recollection of what she might be talking about. “Wait,” he says, remembering the first night she’d approached him with her homework. It feels like so long ago, but it’s been at the most, two weeks. “You were serious?”

 “As a heartattack. We’ve been busy every weekend since, but we all bit the bullet and got our homework done early enough we would be able to have some free time. And it’s not a team event unless you’re with us.”

 Kaldur swallows hard. Though his voice doesn’t betray it, he’s moved by her words and the solemn sincerity in her voice. “Of course,” he says. “I’ll be there soon.”

 And then he hears a chorus of cheers, and he realizes he was so confused he hadn’t noticed that Zatanna had him on speakerphone the whole time.

 “You better be!” Zatanna’s voice picks up over the noise, but she sounds relieved.

 “Yeah, Kal, the one night we actually get a breather and you’re off doing who-knows-what--”

 “Okay, okay,” Kaldur says, starting to chuckle.

 “Get your but back to the base ASAP!” Robin’s voice chimes in, “Oh, and tell Roy he can come to!”

 “You’re with Roy?”

 “I am hanging up now,” Kaldur informs them all, and does just that.

 When he turns back around, Roy is red in the face from trying not to laugh. Kaldur rolls his eyes at him, but he quietly notes that Roy does seem to be more relaxed, even after speaking with Ollie, and that is a good sign, at least. He raises one eyebrow delicately. “Something funny?”

 “No, not at all,” Roy shakes his head. “Just don’t look so surprised whenever people actually give a shit about you, okay? I’m not sure if it makes me wanna hug you or deck everyone else.”

 Kaldur blinks at him a few times. Roy laughs again, then shoos him off the couch. “Get outta here, hang out with your team.”

 “You won’t be coming with me?”

 “Hell no,” he says flatly. “I’m not gonna volunteer to hang out at daycare.”

 “Roy--”

 “Yell at me next time,” he snorts. “Now go. Night, Kal.”

 Kaldur feels an odd smile turn at the corner of his mouth, and tries to keep it contained as he gathers his things. “Goodnight, Roy.”

 Sometimes it’s so hard to feel warmth in his chest when Roy smiles; it’s like suffocating, knowing he is drowning in a terrible secret.

 And other times….it’s not hard at all.

 +

 Upon returning to the Cave, Kaldur receives no less than three wolf-whistles, three open stares, and feels his heart climb into his throat when Zatanna comments, “Didn’t know you liked UCLA, Kal.”

 He holds up his hands, not really sure what he wants to do with them, and winds up making a ‘go away’ gesture at all of them, to their delight.

 Despite that, movie night is wonderful.

 +

 Kaldur can’t get Roy’s words out of his head, about Aquaman, and he decides to do the responsible thing and speak to his king face to face. However, knowing it is the right thing to do doesn’t make it any less awkward.

 “So you are not having trouble making connections on the surface?” Orin asks, voice carefully pitched but face full of concern.

 Kaldur shakes his head. “No, it is, if anything, the opposite, my King. I know there was reason for concern before, but the team has come out of our ordeals stronger than ever. I fear it is the bond we’ve made that leaves me feeling so...alone, when they are not around.”

 Orin strokes his beard, nodding. Kaldur tries to ignore the fact that this feels like trying to explain to Batman that he’d been maybe-in-love-or-something-else with Tula so many months ago.

 ….oh, Roy was right, he is terrible at being open.

 “I will discuss something with Batman. Thank you for being honest with me, Kaldur’ahm,” Orin says, places a hand on his shoulder and squeezing. “I simply wish you would tell me of these things sooner.”

 “I apologize, my king--”

 “Do not,” Orin cuts him off sternly. “That is something we both need to work on. I will do my best to be more aware of your needs on the surface world, in exchange for you being much more honest with me than you have been in the past.”

 Kaldur looks at him, unsure of what to say, of how to ask if Orin is alluding to what he thinks he’s alluding to. “My king…?”

 “I am aware of your past altercation with Garth.”

 Oh, Kaldur had been wrong about the comparison to Batman. This is much worse.

 “We resolved it,” he mumbles, and he can’t think of the last time he’d been so embarrassed he couldn’t look his king in the eye. “That is no longer an issue.”

 “In regards to Tula, I am sure it is not. But I am well aware of what habits you fall to when you experience feelings you are unfamiliar with, Kaldur’ahm.”

 Not that Kaldur has ever died before, but he’s sure this very moment is worse. He hadn’t been lying when he said the king wasn’t his father--Cal Durham was, he knew that--but it still feels like being scolded and getting interrogated about the nuances of a crush by a parent nonetheless.

 “Forgive me, I am not sure how to say this delicately,” Kaldur says hesitantly.

 “Perhaps start by simply saying it.”

 Not that he ever envisioned having this conversation, but Kaldur definitely didn’t think he’d ever...come out to Orin like this. Or at any time. In his defense, it has been a tumultuous time, lately.

 “I….feel similarly towards a team member as I did toward Tula,” he starts, slowly, and not all confidently.

 And then he remembers what Roy had said, about Orin and pride and toting said pride with wherever he went.

 “This team member is male, my king, and I hope that you do not perceive me differently for this or--”

 “Kaldur’ahm, be calm, my son,” says Orin, and that alone is enough to make Kaldur’s shoulders sag with relief.

 Orin grips him by both shoulders, staring him head on. “There is no thing I can think of that could make me perceive you as anything but a prize of Atlantis, and the best choice for my protege. Have no fear, Kaldur’ahm, I care for you all the same. I have failed you in many ways, but I will not fail you in this regard.”

 He hugs Kaldur after that, and Kaldur breathes, at last.

 +

 A week after that conversation, Batman calls Kaldur for private conversation. Except their private conversation also includes Aquaman and Zatanna.

 He isn’t sure how to process the information at first. Aquaman’s presence helps, but he remains wary even after the king places a hand on his shoulder to calm him.

 “Kaldur’ahm, be calm,” he assures, and that does help.

 “Is something wrong, my king?” He casts a glance at Zatanna, who beams at him, which is just more confusing.

 “I spoke to Batman about my concerns for your wellbeing. However, Zatanna was the one who reached out to us about a possible solution.”

 She shrugs sheepishly. “Ever since you mentioned being alone in the Cave all the time I started working out charms that could disguise you. And I think I finally got one.”

 She holds up a necklace with a golden ball as a pendant. At his blank stare, she hides a laugh, “You wear it and it makes you look more like a surface-dweller. No gills, no tattoos, no webbing.”

 “In other words, as long as it works, you could go about the surface world outside of missions,” Batman explains. “Like the rest of the team. Even attend school.”

 Oh. Oh.

 Though his jaw doesn’t quite hit the floor, Kaldur feels himself go slackjawed and simply stares at Zatanna like she’s grown a second head. “You...developed this for me?”

 “Of course, Kal.” She looks half sad by his surprise, and motions for him to lean down enough so she can put it around his neck. “You’re my friend. I noticed how you’ve been slipping lately, and then movie night was the final kick in the pants I needed to get this done. Sorry it took so long.”

 He can’t think of anything else to say besides, “Thank you, Zatanna. You did not have to do this.”

 Zatanna sniffles, then pushes him back into an upright position. “I know, that’s sort of why I did it,” she says, then catches him in a quick hug. She steps back to hold him at arm’s length, appraising her work. “Not that you weren’t hot before, because you really were, but, uh….this is a good look on you.”

 Kaldur snorts, thankful for once that it's Zatanna who's the most awkward person in the room, rather than him. He turns to Aquaman and Batman, expression hopeful. “Is this acceptable?”

 Aquaman’s smiling, really smiling, and claps a hand on Kaldur’s shoulder, laughing. “It is wonderful! Truly, this is Zatara’s daughter. You have a way with magic, my dear.”

 “Thank you,” she says, obviously pleased.

 Batman doesn’t smile, per se--at least, not like Orin, but he’s at least vaguely happy. Or so Kaldur supposes. It’s hard to tell. “Good work, Zatanna.”

 She beams, and Kaldur can’t help but feel just as excited.

 +

The charm changes more than just his gills.

 It makes his hair appear jet black and curly, and rounds his jaw, but his eyes keep their shade. He spends an ample amount of time looking at himself in the mirror and struggling to recognize the person staring back.

 “Hold still, Kal--holy shit, you’re gonna break so many hearts,” Artemis says giddily. She swings an arm around him and Zatanna snaps a photo of both of them. “Seriously. This almost makes me wish you were coming to Gotham just to see the girls there lose their minds.”

 M’gann giggles behind her hand. “This really is pretty amazing, Zatanna. And Kaldur, I mean, you’ve always been almost ridiculously handsome...” she trails off, looking flustered.

 Kaldur smiles, surprised and flattered all at once, and when Wally gives Conner a slackjawed look he simply shrugs and says, “She’s not wrong.”

 “Okay,” Wally says flatly, “anyone else wanna say they’ve been in love with Kaldur, speak now or forever hold your peace.”

 “Aye,” his team says together, and that makes Kaldur’s face warm and he laughs again, unsure of what else to do under the weight of their stares.

 “As fun as it would be to attend to school with you, Artemis,” Kaldur says, honestly, because he can only imagine how Artemis’ alter ego might act, “I’ve already discussed with Aquaman and Batman. I’ll be attending Happy Harbor with M’gann and Conner.”

 “And me!” Zatanna adds, beaming. “I’ll be transferring in December. Uh, surprise?”

 M’gann immediately hugs her and squeals, in a way that’s so endearing, Zatanna can’t help but squeeze her in return. “This is going to be so exciting!”

 “Our fearless leader’s growing up,” Robin says, smirking, and Kaldur immediately thinks of all the times Roy called him less-than-flattering names for giving him the same treatment.

 “If you ever need any chem help, you know where to turn to, bro,” Wally promises.

 “We finally get to help you the same way you’ve been helping us this whole time!”

 Conner makes a face. “No promises from me. I mean, I’ve always got your back just...don’t ask me about English. I actually might make things worse for you.”

 Kaldur laughs, which Conner looks pleased by, and he’s almost overwhelmed by how excited his team is for him.

 “What name are you gonna use?” M’gann says thoughtfully. “I’m sure you could get away with Kal still, but you’ll need a last name.”

 “Actually, I was thinking of using Curry.”

 M’gann looks like she actually might cry, but keeps it together when she says, “I love it.”

 “Alright, Kal Curry, hold still.” He’s caught by surprise when Artemis slips behind him and pulls the necklace off.

 “Sorry, I just didn’t want to forget you. You you.” She bumps their shoulders together, and pushes his hand closed around the necklace. “I get having to hide, but here? With us? You’re still purely you.”

 Kaldur nods appreciatively, thankful she’s taken to the extra step to make him comfortable. She, M’gann, and Conner are at least vaguely aware of the disputes with Atlantean purists; frankly, Kaldur, despite his discomfort, displeasure, and anger with the creatures who try so hard to shame the diversity of his home, hasn’t thought of it in a while. He’s been….distracted, to say the least.

 “Thank you, Artemis,” he says quietly.

 She smiles at him, and behind her his team wears similar looks of genuine affection, and it’s a lot to take in. He’s not used to the attention, but he supposes, he should start to try getting more comfortable with it.

 And not a minute later, he gets a text from Roy saying: nice look and the bewildered expression on his face prompts a round of hearty laughter from the team. Robin winks, and says, “What? He wanted to see!”

 Kaldur just groans.

 +

 By the time M’gann makes the cheerleading team, Kaldur’s up to his ears in catch up work, both in school and out. It had been a while since he’d been in school, and he had to adjust, slowly but surely, to the constant pressure on his brain reminding him of a looming test. He admits, he missed it, in a weird way. Not that he particularly loves chemistry--though, his magic has made him very familiar with it--but he find it relaxing to solve problems in a topic he knows so well.

 Also, M’gann is in his chemistry class, and she has more of a tendency to mix chemicals wrong than he does. (To her credit, he’s pretty sure she does it just to make him laugh, and so far as a pretty high success rate.)

 English is surprisingly tough; Kaldur is fluent, but writing timed essays still gets him frustrated. His teacher laments that he’s too wordy, and being a bit more concise would help him. Trigonometry is just as terrible as it when he helps Zatanna with her work, but World History is, by far, his favorite. (It is entirely possible French wants him dead.) The only class he doesn’t have with Conner or M’gann is Art History.

 Due to entering later in the year, the only seat open the class in the back next to a kid with a clean-cut fade and a letterman jacket. He smiles easy at Kaldur, and Kaldur smiles easy right back.

 “Call me Vic, man,” the kid says, hand out to shake.

 “Calvin,” Kaldur replies, equally as friendly.

 “Alright, Cal, I’m gonna be your savior in the class. Mr. Wiseman’s a tough dude but he mostly just looks scary--that doesn’t mean this stuff isn’t hard as shit though.”

 Kaldur laughs, but soon learns Vic hadn’t been exaggerating.

 +

 Roy, being Roy, checks up on his him in the least subtle way ever: via text, on a Thursday night, as Kaldur’s hunched over a table full of homework, with Conner, Zatanna, and Wally.

 From Roy Harper: So how’s school going, kid?

 He groans immediately, ignoring the curious looks he gets from the others.

 To Roy Harper: I do not know how, or why, but I fully believe you knew Aquaman was going to do this and did nothing to stop it.

 From Roy Harper: Lol paranoid, much?

From Roy Harper: and yeah, i had a hunch, but i thought it would be good for you

 To Roy Harper: I suppose you were not entirely wrong.

 From Roy Harper: mhmm

 To Roy Harper: My apologies. What I meant to say was thank you. Since when are you wise enough to give me good advice?

 From Roy Harper: I’ve always been good at iti, I’m just shit at taking my own advice

From Roy Harper: also i should mention that i offered to let you live with me in star city but the jl didnt go for it

 Wally has just about forgotten his homework by now, seconds away from bouncing out of his seat. “Kal, what is it? Are you okay?”

 “I am fine,” Kaldur says in his best leader voice, and does his best to hammer his face into a neutral expression

 To Roy Harper: You what?

 From Roy Harper: i mean, it would've helped, right? with the loneliness?

 To Roy Harper: Yes, of course. I don’t understand why you didn’t say anything before I already made plans with Batman and Aquaman.

 From Roy Harper: didnt wanna pressure you

 “Oh,” Zatanna stage-whispers, “I know that smile. That means he's talking to Roy.”

 “Oh. Oh, wait, what,” Wally squeaks. “Really, dude?”

 Conner, very impatiently, comments, “If you’re going to be this loud, you can do the rest of my math homework.”

 “In your very best of dreams, Supey.”

 “Then keep it down, Kid Can’t Shut Up.”

 From Roy Harper: gtg, come over soon, we can talk about this later. plus i gotta hear your high school horror stories

From Roy Harper: and see Zatanna’s magic work in person, pics don’t do it justice

From Roy Harper: also, a little birdy told me you go by Curry now?

 To Roy Harper: Goodbye, Roy.

 From Roy Harper: hahahaha

From Roy Harper: see you, kal

 Wally asks again why he’s smiling, and Kaldur, none to gentle, tells him to can it.

 +

 As the weeks go by, he spends most of days at Happy Harbor with M’gann and Conner, and sometimes with Vic, who turns out to be football captain, and takes to Kaldur like a house on fire. His favorite thing, apparently, is to scare the living daylights out of Kaldur by greeting him with a friendly slap on the back of the head by his locker. Kaldur will get used to it, eventually, but he admits his crime fighting instincts kick in every time.

 Just before Thanksgiving break, Vic catches him first thing, while he’s still at his locker with M’gann and Conner before homeroom.

 “Cal! Glad I caught you man,” Vic says, trading his typical head-slap with a fist bump instead. “Listen, the team’s throwing a get-together Friday night. You should come.” He glances to Conner and M’gann, and adds, “All of you. The hell, man, I didn’t know you knew Kent and Megan?”

 “We go way back,” M’gann says cheerily. “And we’d be happy to go to your, um, get-together. Right, guys?”

 Conner shrugs, which everyone at Happy Harbor seems to understand is his way of showing excitement. Kaldur, on the other hand, hesitates for a second too long.

 “Nooo way, you can’t back out on me again. Last time you bailed because of the lamest reason ever, and I only take so many rainchecks before I get personally offended.”

 What Kal doesn’t say is that last time, Sportsmaster had spent a good part of Friday night trying to take his head off via hand-axe. It was a mission that ended with Cheshire kicking him in the face--again--and tossing Robin over the side of a building. It had been spectacularly long night for the team, and he’d just barely remembered to text Vic that he wouldn’t be able to make it after all.

 Instead, he shrugs noncommittally. “I’ll try my best,” he says honestly.

 Vic sighs. “I guess I can take that. But if you bail again you owe me.”

 He catches up to more of the football players after that, leaving Kaldur with M’gann and Conner.

 “You are gonna go, right?” Conner says first.

 “I am not sure,” Kaldur admits. “Victor is friendly, but I do not know the rest of the team, and--”

 “Oh,” M’gann says suddenly, sounding concerned, “Kaldur, are you...nervous?”

 The bell rings before he has to admit to anything.

 +

 Somehow, Zatanna finds out about the party, which means the whole team finds out about the party, via mental communications link, mid-mission.

 “Wait, you were thinking about not going? What the heck, man! If the captain of the football teams says go to his party, you go to his party!”

 “Is now really the time?” Kaldur grunts, trying to deflect a kick to the chest. Wally flashes by, carrying the merc off with him, and adds his two cents on his way out.

 “I say go, man! Live a little, let your hair down. Chillaaaax.”

 “Hey Wally? 2007 called, it wants its slang back.”

 “Don’t hate, Arty, appreciate.”

 “I’d appreciate it if your mouth didn’t move as fast as the rest of you did. On that note, I vote you go, Kal. Remember what I said about being a ladykiller?”

 Kaldur does his best to express a bland expression via thought, which gets a few snickers.

 “I don’t get it, why don’t you want to go?”

 “He’s allowed to have his reasons,” Conner says. And then half-screams and he rips the metal doors of the facility open with his bare hands.

 “Yeah, but what are they?”

 “Enough,” Kaldur thinks in his most threatening command voice. “There is a time and place for civilian discussion, and right now is neither the time nor place. This discussion is indefinitely put aside.”

 According to the team, “indefinite” means “as soon as we get back to base.” Kaldur’s barely out of the shower by the time someone’s knocking on his door, and he’s rushed to throw on a shirt and pants before he opens.

 Somehow unsurprisingly, it’s Zatanna in the hallway, hip cocked and wearing an expression that makes his brow furrow. “Can we talk?” she says, already slipping inside his room.

 She goes straight to his bed and tucks her feet up underneath her, the same way she’s done several times before. Her expression hasn’t changed.

 Sighing, Kaldur closes the door and leans against it. “Zatanna--”

 “No, you don’t get to do that anymore. Make excuses, I mean. Let me know what’s going on, or tell me to get out, just quit trying to hide.”

 After a pause, she too sighs, allowing her shoulders to sag. “I’m not trying to harsh, it’s just that--you’ve been there for me since...I just want to return to the favor. That’s what friends do, Kal. Tell me what’s up.”

 He must have a special talent for getting people to reach their final limits of patience. The air in the room turns uncomfortable, and Kaldur does his best to keep looking at the floor.

 Roy was right. He really isn’t good at this.

 “I am...I have my reservations about attending...for various reasons,” he says stiffly.

 “Are you worried about the charm wearing off? I can give you a backup if that’s the problem.”

 “No, no, Zatanna it is not your magic,” he says firmly. “You have done exemplary work. I have had no problems so far.”

 “Then what’s the problem?”

 Kaldur drums his fingers against the door. “I do not want to put you in an uncomfortable position,” he says. “To ask you to harbor my secrets from the team is….”

 “Dude, just say it already. I pinky swear no one’s gonna hear a word from me.” He hesitates, still, and she groans. “What will it take for you to talk to me? I’ve literally cried myself to sleep on your shoulder, secrets shmecrets. No matter how ugly you think it is, you can tell me. I promise, Kaldur.”

 Kaldur stares at her for a long while. He crosses his arms, visibly hesitant, then says, “I do not know much about how teenagers relate to one another without supervision on the surface world.”

 “Kal--” She stops, her nose scrunching in thought. “Oh, man, are you nervous?”

 Again with that word--Kaldur makes a similar face as he had when M’gann said it, but this time there’s no bell to rescue him from explaining himself. Instead he’s forced to meet Zatanna’s concerned eyes and nod.

 “It is much easier to be with M’gann and Conner than it is to be with other students. They know this,” he gestures to his hands and gills, “and they are comfortable with me as I am. I know the necessity of my ruse, but it makes it...difficult to be as honest as I would like to be. It makes connecting with the other students…”

 He trails off as she slaps a hand to her forehead. “Of course, I hadn’t even thought about it…. M’gann does it so easily, but I should’ve known hiding yourself wouldn’t come as easily to anyone else. And you’re not really used to how regular kids interact and...aw, jeez, Kal. I’m sorry.”

 “It is not your fault.”

 “I know, I know, but….I mean, I suggested this and now I want to help you.” She bites her lip. “It’s part of the problem of balancing two identities. Part of you is always gonna feel like you’re being dishonest. But you’re not. The reality of Calvin Curry is that he’s a transfer kid with an uncle from the area--but he’s also you, he’s kind, and he’s funny, and he’s genuine.”

 Kaldur doesn’t know what to say. He hadn’t been expecting that. He nods, unsurely, and Zatanna invites him to sit next to her.

 “Listen,” she says, “as long as you can show those kids why we all love you, you’ll be fine. The only thing that’s any different is the name you write on your essays. And you can tell people you really trust who you are.” She grins, “That goes for the party, and for us on the team too.”

 “Zatanna…”

 “It won’t be easy, but you’ll get used to it. Plus, you always have M’gann and Conner, and soon you’ll have me too.”

 He runs a hand over his head, trying to let her words sink in and let his guard down at the same time. It’s a similar feeling to going to the Academy in Atlantis; butterflies in the stomach at the thought of meeting so many new people and never knowing how well the interactions would go. But even then, he’d always had Tula and Garth by his side to ease his nerves.

 What Zatanna is saying is the same concept, just different faces, but the trust and familiarity is all the same.

 “Okay,” he says. “In that case, I will attend.”

 “Really? Kal, I wasn’t trying to make you feel like you had to--”

 “I know, I know,” he says. “I merely want to try what you have told me. Call this my leap of faith.”

 He smiles, and she smiles just as brightly in return. Without warning, she throws her arms around in a short but tight squeeze. Perhaps in the past, Kaldur would’ve flinched at the unprompted contact, but he finds himself working an arm around her to warmly return the embrace.

 “And, by the way, nice shirt.”

 He looks down and to his embarrassment, realizes he’d thrown on Roy’s UCLA shirt in his haste to get dressed. Groaning to drown out her snickers, he says, “This did not happen.”

 “I didn’t see anything,” she agrees, still giggling.

 +

 Kaldur, for all his apprehension, needn’t have worried; when he shows up, Vic smiles like it’s Christmas and immediately thanks M’gann for bringing him. “I knew I could count on you, Megan,” he says sincerely. He opens his arms for a hug, which Megan blesses him with, short and quick, and falls to her default by Conner’s side again.

 “Kent, I owe you.”

 “Consider it an early Christmas gift,” Conner replies.

 Vic laughs. “I’ll take it! Y’all come in, it’s cold as shit out there. Drinks in the kitchen, dance floor downstairs, upstairs is off limits.” He throws an arm around Kaldur and squeezes, “Now you’ve gotta meet the team! And Mal, the big guy’s been dying to get me to shut up about you. But first, you need a drink.”

 Vic’s about Kaldur’s size, even though Kal’s Atlantean strength gives him the upper hand, he lets Vic drag him away into the kitchen, where more kids are crowded into a variety of alcoholic drinks lay strewn about the counter.

 “We’re saving our cash for Christmas, that’s when we splurge on the good stuff,” Vic explains. But grabs a beer can and presses it into Kaldur’s hands. “Bottoms up?”

 Kaldur has had alcohol before--America’s drinking age is absurd, by Atlantean standards--but he’s never been big on it. Nonetheless, he cracks the can open and takes a long swig, causing Vic to cheer. “Okay, tough guy, wanna chug? We’ll chug.”

 The beer tastes terrible, unbelievably bad, but Kaldur clinks cans wtih Vic and chugs it anyway. He’s not worried about getting intoxicated--not only is the beer gross, it’s practically water.

 Which is why Vic gets him to chug another without much fight, and then they go off to find the rest of the team. As soon as Victor shows up, at least ten different voices all scream, “STONE!” at various levels of drunkenness.

 Victor laughs smoothly and loudly and points to each team member as he says a name. “Joe Jackson, Nicky Free, the twins Lewis and Thomas Jones--” and he goes on, until Kaldur has more names in his head than he thinks he can list, but he smiles big and friendly at the other boys and they do the same. Another shoves up again him, and Kaldur finds himself dwarfed by a kid with nearly half a foot on him.

 “And this fucking giant is Mal Duncan,” Vic says. “Mallie, quit thundering all over my parent’s place, you’ll bring it down!”

 “Laugh it up, Stone, I’ll bring you down with it,” Mal jokes, as the two pull each other into a quick hug. “Who’s the new guy?”

 “Calvin! Call him Cal. He’s the guy from my Art History class who should’ve joined the team this year, seriously. Don’t look at my like that, Cal, I’ve seen you run outta Wiseman’s class. You float like a butterfly and then some.”

 Kaldur shrugs sheepishly, which gets a laugh out of Mal. “Don’t let him embarrass you too much. Give Stone an inch and he’ll make it a mile.”

 “God, Mal, you sound so much like your old man right now.”

 “And proud of it,” Mal shoots back.

 “Mal’s old man works at STAAR Labs. He’s gonna get me a job there one day, right man?”

 “In your fucking dreams.”

 Kaldur can’t help it--he laughs out loud, both at Mal’s dry tone and Vic’s resulting pout. “Sorry--”

 “Nah, don’t worry about it, Vic knows he’s a joke,” Mal laughs. “And if I catch his ass anywhere near STAAR I’m slapping him into last week.”

 “Vic, you were right,” Kaldur says, “you really do bring out the best in people.”

 Mal belly laughs and Vic punches the both of them halfheartedly, and after that, it’s so much easier than Kaldur thought it would be.

 Too easy, actually.

 One of the cheerleaders shows up with a bottle of some liquor Kaldur can’t name, and before he knows it he’s had more than just a couple of shots, and it’s not until he bumps in Conner that he realizes he has gotten carried away.

 “Kal, are you okay?” Conner’s squinting through the dark to try and see his face.

 “I am fine,” Kaldur lies, with the confidence of someone who has just realized they are drunk. Or at least, buzzed. Which means it’s time to wrap this up; even inebriated, Kaldur’s still aware of his duties as a team leader. And that training tomorrow will be hell, should he wake up sick. “Actually, I think it would be best if we leave soon.”

 “Did something happen?”

 “No, I said I am fine,” Kaldur repeats. “But we have training tomorrow and I still run a team, and if Canary finds out that we missed morning training because of a party, I fear she may actually throw us through a  wall.”

 Conner snorts, but nods in agreement. “I’ll grab Megan. Don’t go too far, okay?”

 “Okay,” says Kaldur. It’s just past 11:00 when he looks at his phone--and then he gets the brightest idea to text Roy. He’d typically be at Roy’s place around this time anyway, if movie night wasn’t an option.

 To Roy Harper: remember that time you told me to let loose?

 From Roy Harper: Kaldur you bastard

From Roy Harper: you did not got drunk without me

From Roy Harper: oh my god you got drunk??

 To Roy Harper: i am not drunk

 From Roy Harper: no proper punctuation? Looks drunk to me

 Kaldur is extra careful to tap out his next message,

To Roy Harper: I am not drunk do not be ridiculous

 From Roy Harper: yeah, bc im the ridiculous one in this situation

From Roy Harper: where are you?

 To Roy Harper: Happy Harbor, with Conner and M’gann.

To Roy Harper: I am safe, mom, thank you for the concern

 From Roy Harper: dear god are you sassing me?

 To Roy Harper: I always sass you.

 From Roy Harper: yeah but you have never in your life admitted to sassing me. This is insane. For my next birthday youre getting wasted and were gonna play 20 questions and then my life will be complete

 To Roy Harper: I will tell you what we will not be doing.

 From Roy Harper: booze makes you a sass monster idk how i feel about this

 To Roy Harper: can you make it to the cave tonigght?

To Roy Harper: tonite

To Roy Harper: *tonight?

 From Roy Harper: i would go to fucking mars rn if i meant i got to see you like this

 To Roy Harper: I changed my mind, you are annoying, stay in Star City

 From Roy Harper: too late, im omw

 “Cal?”

 He looks up to see Vic, smiling sloppily. “Okay, Calvin, I see you. Who’s the girl?”

 “Huh?”

 “The way you’re smiling at your phone? You’ve got a girl, right? Do I know her? Are y’all--”

 Kaldur interrupts with a laugh, pulling Vic into a short hug. “Not a girl, my friend. Maybe I will tell you about it after break.”

 “You’re leaving already?”

 “Unfortunately, yes. Thanks for this, Victor, really.”

 “Hey, man, anytime. You’re fun as fuck, you get along with Mal--you gotta be a saint or something for that. I know moving around sucks, I just want you to know that Happy Harbor’s gonna be the best place you ever lived. I want you to love this place as much as I do.”

 “I think I might be getting there,” Kaldur promises, and Victor’s face lights up.

 “Booyah! That’s what I’m talking about, hornets for life!”

 “Okaaay,” Conner interrupts, getting Kaldur by the upper arm. “Thanks for the party, Victor.”

 “Anytime, Kent! Drag you and your girl to our Christmas shit, yeah? And you too, Curry, I swear to God--”

 “Goodnight, Vic,” Conner says, trying not to laugh, and then maneuvers him and Kaldur out of the house, M’gann not far behind.

 She’s looking at Kal with a funny smile, and loops her arm through his without hesitation. “So, that was fun!”

 She makes a face at Conner, who laughs, and then obediently loops his arm through Kaldur’s other one as well. “Oh, yeah,” he says. “Fun’s the word I would use.”

 “I can walk,” Kaldur says, frowning.

 “Oh, we know.”

 “This is just the only time you’ll ever let us get away with this.”

 Kaldur opens his mouth to argue, but winds up keeping it shut. They’re not wrong.

 +

 M’gann and Conner get him through the zeta-tube in one piece--though it feels much worse with alcohol in your system, Kaldur learns. The Cave’s mostly dark, thank goodness, which means Zatanna’s already in bed and whoever else is staying the night is asleep as well, presumably.

 They finally release his arms and exchange their goodbyes--M’gann kisses him on the cheek and says, “I’m proud of you, Kaldur. And of Calvin Curry. It’s nice seeing you like this.”

 He squints at her. “Under the influence?”

 “Relaxed,” she half-snorts. “I know that wasn’t easy for you but you look like you actually enjoyed it.”

 “I did,” Kaldur says, blinking, surprised by himself.

 “I can tell,” she smirks.

 He’s still functioning a bit slow, but Kaldur connects the dots after a pause. “Wait, is that a joke because I am drunk--”

 “Not to interrupt, but I think you’ve got visitor, Kal,” Conner says, pointing to the couch.

 Where Roy is perched, arms crossed, and trying to hide a smile.

 Kaldur had nearly forgotten about texting him, which had seemed so brilliant at the time, but now that Roy’s sitting here he can’t really make any correct sounding words.

 “Goodnight,” Conner says, voice dangerously close to teasing, and then the two disappear before Kaldur can read it into it.

 Back to Roy. Right. Kaldur just prays he won’t embarrass himself.

 “I did not think you would actually come.”

 Roy has his arms folded over his chest, and he untangles them to wave a hand in the air, as if brushing Kaldur’s words away. “No, it’s actually good timing. I’ve decided to join your team. Like, actually join. I was gonna surprise you guys tomorrow, but no harm done in spending the night.”

 Kaldur, remembering morning training, groans. “I have made a grave mistake.”

 “It’s okay, I’m sure even Batman’s shown up to work with a hangover. It’s happened to the best of us,” Roy smirks.

 Kaldur makes his way towards the couch, maybe a hair too fast and feels his balance suffer for it, and before he knows what’s truly happened, Roy has an arm around his lower back, steadying him, and the other around his shoulders. He is close, Kaldur’s brain supplies unhelpfully. Just...close.

 “I am okay,” Kaldur insists.

 “Course you are.”

 Several moments pass, and Roy doesn’t let him go. And, well, if they’re going to stand around like this--Kaldur shifts, his weight leans into Roy, and he allows his head to drop, ever so slightly, onto Roy’s shoulder. It’s barely anything, and so much all at the same time.

 Roy’s shoulder starts to shake. He’s trying not to laugh.

 “Shut up,” Kaldur snaps.

 “Oh my god, this is amazing. If you wanted to cuddle, you could’ve asked, man.”

 Kaldur scoffs and turns his head, letting Roy’s shoulder cover most of his face.

 “Wait, wait,” Roy wheezes, “don’t hide, lemme look at you. I gotta see Zatanna’s charm...thing at work.”

 He allows Roy to pull him away, take a once over.

 “The team said I was, as M’gann put it, ‘ridiculously handsome.’”

 “Yeah, no kidding,” Roy mumbles. The tips of his ears are flushed pink. “Is it the necklace?”

 “Yes.”

 And suddenly Kaldur feels warm fingers on the back of his neck; Roy lifts the string up and over, and though Kaldur feels no change, he knows he now looks like himself. He’s not sure if that makes the situation better or worse.

 “Personally, I’ve always been a fan of the gills, fishsticks,” Roy smirks as he slips the charm into Kaldur’s pocket.

 “I will not stand for the revival of that terrible nickname.”

 “Would you sit for it?”

 Kaldur makes to object again, but Roy adds, “It’ll be more comfortable for you that way, cuddle monster.”

 So Kaldur sits.

 Roy cracks a smile again, but doesn’t laugh, this time simply gets an arm around Kaldur and squeezes. “As fun as this is, you really have to sleep soon. And drink some water. And brush your teeth, damn, did they give you fucking moonshine?”

 He immediately goes to check his breath, but Roy knocks his hands back down. “Kidding, Kal.”

 “Oh.”

 “Oh my god,” Roy says again, and then Kaldur is pressed closer against him and the two lean back on the couch. It is, as Roy had said, very much a cuddling position. Kaldur belatedly realizes he doesn’t have any idea what to do with his hands.

“So….we need to talk, Kaldur.”

 “I do not like those words when you say them.”

 “No, shut up, I’m allowed to be dramatic too. Now’s obviously not a good time, but once you’re sober we really need to...I just need to tell you something. And we need to figure some stuff out.”

 “Okay,” Kaldur concedes. “Stay here a second longer, though. This is...nice.”

 Roy, for once, does not object.

 +

 The alcohol had made him drowsy, but it also burns through his system very quickly. Kaldur wakes up sluggish, but no headache, thank goodness. But he can tell it’s still early--much earlier than he would’ve liked to wake up--and he’s still pressed into Roy’s side.

 For a moment, he waits, struggling to determine the best course of action to take in the situation. Roy’s arm is around his shoulders loosely, comfortably, as if he could hold Kaldur to him forever. And if Kaldur weren’t so positively panicked, he may have let it happen.

 Instead, he attempts to lift himself up as gingerly as possible. Maybe he can escape this unscathed. Maybe he can retreat to his room, attend training and pretend this had never happened, even though his heart hurts at the very thought. This isn’t anything like his situation with Tula--he would never deny that he loved her, or even that he’d been in love with her, and the heartbreak he’d felt at being rejected was entirely real. But the way his heart breaks right now is from his own self-imposed distance, and the further he pulls himself away from Roy, the worse it gets.

 Kaldur has spent a long while denying himself of the things he wants most, and perhaps that is what causes him to freeze completely against Roy’s chest.

 He huffs, and to his chagrin, feels Roy’s chest rumble with a resounding chuckle. He can’t help that he digs his fingers into the fabric of Roy’s shirt as he pulls himself up enough to see the redhead’s face.

 Roy is smiling, albeit sleepily. It is the softest Kaldur has ever seen his face. He rests his hand on Kaldur’s head, rubbing his short curls, and for second the look between them is pure warmth, uninterrupted and much, much deeper than anything Kaldur ever expected. There’s a certain tenderness Roy allows himself, having just woken up, and he focuses it completely on Kaldur. .

 Just like that, the moment ends; realizing where is, Roy jerks into alertness, pulling his hand away from Kaldur’s hair and instead using it to rub at his own neck, eyes downcast in a rare moment of genuine embarrassment.

 Kaldur is not proud of the small gasp that escapes him when Roy takes his hand away. He lifts a hand as if to reach out to him and pull him back, quietly calling his name at the same time.

 “Roy--”

 “We need to talk--”

 They laugh, a bit awkwardly, and then Roy gestures at him. “You first.”

 Not to say he will ever be truly ready for this, but this as good a moment as any to confess and for once in his damned life, stop torturing himself. “I...There is--”

 Now that he is here, and it has been so long of picturing a similar moment, Kaldur doesn’t actually know what to say. This is not like speaking to his king, or his team. It’s like talking to Roy, and his typical candidness is why it feels so hard to be open right now. He’s never needed to right words to speak to Roy before, but this feels different and he doesn’t want to ruin it.

 “Quit thinking so much,” Roy says, gaze gone softer than usual, but not to the extent it had been when he’d first woken up.

 “I have been told overthinking is one of my worst qualities,” Kaldur says, mouth cotton-dry. Part of him thinks this would be easier if he weren’t still resting on Roy’s chest and looking into his eyes in a moony manner, so he pulls himself into a proper sitting position and steadily ignores how much is instantly misses the embrace.

 “So try not overthinking. Just talk to me.”

 Nodding, Kaldur grimaces. His resolve is already built, but his body has a hard time catching up to his brain. Nonetheless, he pretends like the very breath hasn’t been sucked out of his lungs and steels himself.  “The thing is, Roy, that I have feelings for you...and have felt this way for a while, now. Even when I harbored feelings for Tula. I do not think how I felt towards her was ingenuine, but it was...blown out of proportion,” he admits sheepishly. “I did not know how to tell you, or if I even wanted to tell you.”

 “Wait, why?”

 “Because, Roy, people do not typically react well when their best friend suddenly expresses romantic interest.”

 He winces, because he shouldn’t have been so curt, but Roy laughs, for some reason. “Yeah, you’re right. That’s why I didn’t say anything either.”

 That takes a moment to process. “What?”

 It’s Roy’s turn to look like a wrung piece of cloth. He’s pink around the ears and he explains, “You were heartbroken, for one. And then the mole thing happened--and the school thing happened, and you had your team, and your work cut out for you, and I guess I forgot how to open my mouth.”

 “I--I do not--” Kaldur shakes his head. “Is this why you wanted me to move in with you?”

 “What, so I could pine up close?” he scoffs. “I offered because you are my best friend, and you were clearly hurting, and believe it or not, sometimes people want to do things for you because they want you to be happy. I wanted you to move in with me so you wouldn’t be so damn lonely all the time. Aquaman’s the one who said he had a better idea.”

 Kaldur will decide later how he feels about the king’s meddling--for now, he feels a bit dizzy from how the emotions are running through his head at mock speed. “I would’ve said yes.”

 “I know! Which is why I gotta tell you that I’m-- the whole being into your best friend thing is...hard. Not in a bad way, just in a, I don’t know.” He runs a hand over his hair, not quite making eye contact. “It makes everything so complicated.”

 “Yes, complicated,” Kaldur echoes faintly. “I am all too aware of what you mean.”

 “I never wanted us to be an ‘it’s complicated’ situation, Kal. Half the reason I wanted to talk to you is so I could finally be fucking honest with you.”

 Kaldur’s heart is racing as he swallows hard. “I am sorry I did not say anything sooner.”

 “Shut the whole hell up. Why are you apologizing? When the hell did I complain about your timing? If anything, I’m mad at myself, not you.”

 “But I still--”

 “Still nothing, Kal,” Roy says plaintively, and then, in one seamless, fluid motion, leans forward to kiss him.

 Kaldur wastes no time; he brings his hands up to pull Roy closer, sighing through his nose, and the relief that settles in bones nearly brings tears to his eyes. He has everything he wants, right here on this couch, lips pressed against his. This is absolutely it, as far as he’s concerned. Roy’s returned feelings could keep him going for the next two weeks, sleep be damned.

 Realizing that he’s finally attained the happiness he’s spent so long denying himself of, Kaldur smiles, and does not, for one second, regret a single thing.

#yjbigbang #yj big bang #young justice #kaldur #roy harper #kalroy #fic

[anothergirlrecovering]

Lynn 53

I walked in and sat down. Lynn asked if it would bother me to have the eucalyptus essential oil going. I laughed and reminded her that I grew up with all kinds of natural things, so none of that bothers me. She laughed and said she had forgotten, and said that ragweed has been getting to her. She asked how I’m doing, and I said I was okay. I said that I haven’t been sleeping well, and I explained my recent issue with my mom and the broadway show.  I explained that maybe it was progress but there was a part of me that doesn’t even want to hang out with her, but who knows, it could just be the mood im in. She said she considers that progress for sure. I told her about how I had met with my pastor and have sort of come up empty handed but am going to read a book he gave me. I told her about my neighbor attempting suicide and how I had a really bad panic attack following. She empathized and said she thinks it made sense that I responded that way. I told her ive been struggling with humanity being so negative and hot helpful and told her about the guy in yoga. And then she went with the mindfulness speech again lol. I feel like she must know im over it because she started explaining how its helped her so much and that philosophically it may also help with some of the existential crisis around faith issues. She explained how things like dbt or cbt may also help me feel better when I get upset, but that so far research shows mindfulness really helps change the brain. She pointed out that when she was my age she didn’t get it either and she laughed and said one day she knows im going to email her and say I got it lol even if its 10 years later. I was like idk maybe lynn, maybe. She said it takes time and a lot of practice and encouraged me to read more on it. SHe said things will always bother me because im a sensitive person and thatas not bad, but that mindfulness can really help me to be with it and move on from it without being so affected. Everything she said made sense, but I get so uninterested and bored with it. She said there are retreats and went on a long tangent about some lady she really likes who is an emdr consultant and is doing a retreat in Hawaii which incorporates emdr and mindfulness. I said I thought a whole retreat would make me want to kill myself. She laughed and said shes not there yet either with retreats but that they aren’t just sitting in a room silently for weeks. I told her about how the yoga instructor who did our mindfulness groups in treatment went to one where she went for a month and spent it in mindfulness and silence.

She asked where we wanted to work with emdr, and I said I don’t know, I just want to like myself. Lynn laughed and I commented that I knew it was a lofty goal. Lynn reminded me that liking myself will be impossible until we address the perfectionism issue because she doesn’t foresee me liking myself until im perfect or my beliefs change about needing to be perfect. I explained that I agreed it made sense. She asked about the religious stuff and where we need to start. I told her ive been thinking a lot about things but idk. We ended up talking a lot about religion in general and didn’t get to any emdr. She asked me about the church and if I would have been surprised to know they had manipulated donna into the tooth story. She tried hard to get me to take myself out of the story and ask myself what I might say to myself if I were anyone else with this story but it was hard. She pointed out how deeply these religious roots had been developed. I said I wished I could be my brother because hes not affected by it. Lynn disagreed and said I don’t know what he thinks about at night lol. SHe said the longer I do therapy the more I will realize that you never know what is really going on for people. SHe said surely there are a few who really don’t have skeletons in the closet but just because my brother doesn’t talk about it doesn’t mean he wasn’t affected. I explained that I wouldn’t have thought the pastor was trying to manipulate people but idk. I explained that it was a small church and she pointed out that religious cult type leaders seek power and followings, even if its small. SHe asked me if I would ever do to my kids what they did to me and I teared up and said I wouldn’t. She asked if that kind of emotional and religious abuse was something a therapist would report to dcs and I said maybe its just hard because everyone has religious freedoms and you could argue both sides so its a grey area. I explained how I really don’t remember the pastor but that I remember his wife carrie and she used to babysit me when I was four and five because they rented the apt above us. I said I just remembered her driving me and her daughter and telling us to hold onto our hats when we went over the train as a pretend game. I said I didn’t think their daughter was a Christian anymore, or at least not as rigid because she never posts about any of that stuff and lived with her bf prior to marriage.  I explained that there was some weird situation that happened and a disagreement and they had left the church and went with a ministry out in California instead. I explained the vineyard denomination to lynn as best as I could, but I know she has a hard time grasping it lol. I explained the ministry they went to and how they had come to our church to do dream interpretation and hearing a word from god for us. I remember sitting there confused and terrified at what they might say. I remember the speaking in tongues and the banner running and flags and tamburines and prophetic words from god and the healings and dreams and art drawings. I realized saying it all outloud it did sound a lot crazier than I wanted to admit. Lynn pointed out that it seemed atheists and agnostics almost had a better moral compass sometimes because they don't hold themselves to impossible standards and have ridiculous expectations that go against human nature.  

“Everything that you’ve described sounds… I don’t mean to be harsh, but like a cult. I mean, that was religious spiritual abuse”. I had described a few memories with the church. I had described the ways I had to repeat over and over the bile verse about god not giving me a spirit of fear, and how I couldn’t stop my panic attacks no matter how many times I said it. I told her that I know its not what she wants to hear but that it feels like some of these crazy religious things work out for some people so it feels like it was user error and the problem was me. I told her about how it felt like there was always a formula for things, but it never worked for me. I told her about how they had prophesied that my brother would be a worship leader while my mom was pregnant but never prophesied anything about me and always encouraged my brother to play music while intentionally leaving me out because I didn’t have “the gift”. I told her that there was no prophecy during my time in utero because my parents weren’t Christians at that point. I explained how they became Christians when they met my aunts boyfriend who invited them all to a bible study. I explained that the more I talked about it the more I realized how bizarre it was because my uncle is soooo far out there with his dream interpretations and the way he says he hears god and the way he isolates its all just odd but that hes the uncle who had gotten drunk on Christmas eve and told me all his problems and about how the pastors we grew up with had always really liked me and said what a good and caring kid I was.

Lynn encouraged me to talk to my pastor more about all of this. I told her he would probably say everything she had said regarding that it wasn’t healthy and logically I know all of this but it still feels true. She pointed out that we need to dig into some of the spiritual abuse with emdr because if this is the fundamental experiences shaping my beliefs, untangling that may untangle the perfectionism issue. She said she still wants me to talk to my pastor lol because she hasn’t studied any of this and if we untangle my current religious beliefs, ill need to replace them with something. She also said she wanted me to talk to him because she wants me to really recognize that it wasn’t just a terrible situation, it was abuse. I listened and she pointed out that she knows im on the fence with all of this because she could tell by my body language. What she meant was I had a hard time keeping eye contact, had teared up several times, and looked at the floor a lot as we talked about all of this stuff. She talked about how the church is supposed to be there to care about people and that  unfortunately they often do a lot of harm. I explained that my current church really takes care of their people and I liked that about them.

We went to schedule for two weeks out and she said she wasn’t sure what her schedule will be yet because she may be helping out at the school with the play because tis the last one. I asked if that was because her son was a senior and she said yes. I asked if her son has red hair too and said how I cant imagine lynn having a red head. She laughed and said she wanted to show me a picture of him and that hes such a cutie pie and they just did headshots for the show. She showed me the picture and I was like oh my gosh he really is so adorable he looks like a cross between Justin bieber and zac efron in high school musical. She laughed and said he got to play troy Bolton in the high school musical play at their  school. She then showed me a picture of her daughter and then her other daughter. I said they are so pretty and I was like lynn your kids are really good looking and I don’t mean that in a weird way. She laughed and said she agreed and thinks theyre pretty and shes really proud of them and theyre all really smart. I laughed and jokingly said and you validated their feelings and you love them for who they are and not how they look and she jokingly rolled her eyes and said yes shes mom of the year and she would see me next week.