#im fucking sobbing ive never wanted to work more badly in my life

[absurdumsid]

guys the classical music isnt doing it i need to punch someone in the face

#im. im. i i i i #i cant stay still #i want to do something #i donfornfjnfnendnskskd #im going insane #im going absolutely insane #WHY ARENT THEY GIVING ME WORK #I CAME HERE TO WORK ?? #THERES ONLY THREEISH HOURS LEFT #im fucking sobbing ive never wanted to work more badly in my life #i cant stay put like a fucking DOG when im not WAITING FOR ANYTHING #THERES NOHING #NOTHING #HWTA THE FUCK !!!! #HWAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO #SIT HERE AND STARE ?? #WHAT THE FUCK #sid rambles #not even a vent this is too LIGHT for a vent im just going insane #idk man #cw violence

[fabulouslygaybean]

man. on one hand, it's kinda nice that my mom is so chill about a lot of shit that most parents probably would Not be chill with, but also like. i almost kind of wish she cared enough to not be so chill about it

#this makes no sense but idk how else to word it #like. i can go out and do stupid shit late at night with friends without her hounding me for updates on what im doing #i can ask if i can snag an edible from her and she usually says yes #she told me im allowed to drink whatever alcohol is in the fridge as long as i dont be an idiot about it #she plays along with the lies and stories i tell to teachers so i don't get in trouble for stupid shit #its. kind of nice i guess. but its also not #she lets me do all of this shit but she doesn't like. actually care about me in a way i thought moms were kind of supposed to. #i can't talk to her about anything heavier than petty annoying shit that happens at school #i listen to her issues without a single complaint and i offer her advice when she wants it but she freaks out and cries if i try and talk - #- about my own issues #she doesn't believe me when i talk abt how im basically positive ive got adhd and instead just gives me questionable shit to self medicate #don't get me wrong. it's kinda nice that she's so chill about a lot of shit. it certainly makes my life more fun #but it feels like that's the only way she shows she cares about me. she'll give me weed so i can self medicate for my issues but freaks - #- at the mention of therapy. #she lets me lie to teachers but never asks WHY i need to do it in the first place. i do it bc of grades. i need help and a lot of the - #- time i can only get help if i make up some sob story to justify why i didn't work on something over the weekend bc they don't know what - #- executive dysfunction is and how fucking badly it makes me struggle #its just. blegh. #idk. this is very rambly but i needed to get my thoughts out somehow. #anyways. im gonna go take a bath and hope my brain shuts up soon.

[iceeckos12]

tma fic recs

I’ve seen a couple of fic rec posts floating around. since ive been reading so many excellent fic recently, i thought that id make one as well! please note this list is going to be 99% jonmartin. also buckle up, because this is going to get long.

Completed

the umbrella by Wildehack (tyleet)

"And to think—all of Jonah Magnus’ carefully laid plans, the centuries of scheming, the murders, the sacrifices, all of that work could have been completely undone if Martin Blackwood had gone back for an umbrella" - holdthosebees

Notes: This is probably my go-to fic if i want an apocalypse never happened scenario. The jonmartin is wonderful, as is the h/c.

Diary and Prenon-nous la main by luftballoons99

Diary summary:

Not for the first time since they ran away together, a camera reel of all the things they don't know about one another whirs behind Martin's eyes, and he can't help but look at all the sprawling magnetic tape and wonder if they’re going to wind up a romance or a tragedy.

or: Office parties, garage bands, and the joy of being known.

Prenon-nous la main summary:

They still haven't talked about it, any of it, not even to pass the time on the long train ride to Scotland. Instead, Martin fell asleep in the seat next to him, pressed into his side from shoulder to knee, and Jon thought about love confessions and verb tense and how the two fit together when you think you're dying.

or: Good cows, mediocre poetry, and other crucial topics of discussion.

Notes: Do you love impeccable safehouse jonmartin characterization? do you love characters grappling with the mortifying ordeal of being known? do you love softness so tender that it makes you want to weep? please read these fic. im begging you.

i’ll tell you about all the times i’ve smiled because of you by cryptidkidprem

Summary:

Martin thinks about their shoes, sitting beside each other on the floor by the bed. Thinks of the way Jon wears Martin’s cardigans more often than he wears his own, the way Martin’s started keeping elastics around his wrist because Jon always forgets his own when they go out.

He thinks about all the gentle touches and fussing over each other they’ve done, and how much is still to come over the next… however long Jon will have him.

They have a long way to go, an entire life to build out of the wreckage Jonah Magnus and Peter Lukas left them, but laying together in a comfortable, sleepy quiet, Martin thinks they’ve got a good start going.

Or, Jon quits the Institute, saves the world, and it turns out to be exactly what he needs in order to heal and start moving forward towards building a life with Martin.

Notes: how many times have i reread this fic? more than i can count. jon quits the institute and it’s just full of soft jonmartins. they get married! god i love them.

go softly by doomcountry

Summary:

And there is nothing else besides this.

Notes: every time i remember this fic i reread it. please heed the tags because martin is blinding jon, but he’s like. blinding jon in the most heartbreaking way possible. idk how the author made this so tender but i know i was certainly crying so!

The Reverb in These Holy Halls by  Wolftraps (AlwaysBoth)

Summary:

Undoing the apocalypse would have been enough for Jon, if all his people survived. Without them, Jon's only recourse is making it so it never happened in the first place. He's going to do better this time.

Notes: Do you like time travel fixits? i sure like time travel fixits. reverb is an excellent one. heavy on the h/c, I wanted to hug jon so so badly. 

Yesterday is Here by  CirrusGrey

Summary:

"Who the hell are you?" Jon could feel his hands shaking. The man laughed, taking a step forward and raising a hand to point at him. "I'm you, from the future!" he said, then swayed, eyes going unfocused, and collapsed to the floor in a dead faint. -------- Post-season-four Jon and Martin time travel back to the season one Archives.

Notes: Yet another time travel fixit! also excellent. the teasing was HYSTERICAL. also Im just going to say this now - CirrusGrey in general writes incredible tma fic. You can’t really go wrong.

unassigned supplementals by  bibliocratic 

Notes: I won’t put in a summary just because it’s a long series of oneshots, but bibliocratic’s writing is amazing. Again, you can’t really go wrong with one of their fic!

let the soft animal of your body by autoclaves

Summary:

Standing in the warm kitchen, slats of sepia light filtering through onto the counter in front of him, Martin doesn’t know what to do with his hands. He half expects them to go through the countertop entirely, glossy and solid as it is. He isn’t used to any of it, yet. The safehouse. Jon. Beams of sun pouring into his hands. After being deprived of everything of significance for so long, the longing that crashes over him is almost painful in its tangibility. He wants to laugh, to sob, to scream and hear it echoed back against the neat, square walls of the safehouse.

In the end, he doesn’t do any of these things. He makes eggs instead. He can do that, can’t he? Use his hands for something simple and plain and good.

(Or: In the safehouse after it all, Martin starts cooking.)

Notes: this fic really speaks to me a) because i project on martin like crazy and b) because food is also my love language. this fic is incredibly soft and it’s all about cooking!

“Have you tried turning it on and off again?” by shinyopals

Summary:

I hope you find your new role as Head of the Institute as rewarding as captaining the Tundra, wrote Elias Bouchard, to Peter Lukas. There are so many people working there: all with their own interesting lives, and all desiring your attention and support. I'm sure you will relish the challenge it will bring and enjoy every moment spent with the fine men and women of the Institute. In time I'm confident they'll become like a family to you.

The Magnus Institute has a new boss. The Magnus Institute also has a new tech support technician. These two facts are unrelated, except they both happen at the same time.

Meanwhile Jon's woken up from being dead for six months and for once he's trying his best. He just wishes Martin would stop avoiding him and answer his messages...

Notes: if you’re looking for a good laugh, this fic is SO SO SO FUNNY. i was dying. basically the magnus institute being an absolute bureaucratic nightmare.

hello my old heart  by  firebirdsuite

Summary:

Peter’s wrong, of course. When it’s all over, Martin does still want to tell Jon everything. It’s just—well, there’s a few things they need to work through first before they can get there.

Martin and Jon find each other again in Scotland.

Notes: it’s all about the yearning. and trust me, the yearning in this fic? im just. i sure do love jonmartin, and this is such soft, loving jonmartin it just makes you want to cry

two ships passing by pyrites

Summary:

Gerard Keay is 10 years old the very first time he tries to run away from home, right around the time that Jonathan Sims has just come into possession of his first Leitner.

Or: One dropped stone can change the way the whole ocean moves.

Notes: again, JONGERRY. MY GOODNESS. this fic is beautiful, the writing is absolutely breathtaking and it owns my heart. im so in love with it. the author said you’re going to have emotions about jon and gerry and jongerry and i said OKAY

Terminal Sight by viv_is_spooky

Summary:

Spider silk weaves through the visions of two Seers. Monstrosity is dawning on them both.

Notes: I’d never read a gerryoliver fic before this, but the execution is EXCELLENT and now im sold on the ship forever. This fic has wonderful prose and great characterization and i love it a whole lot.

Incomplete

assistant archivist au by  PitViperOfDoom

Notes: I won’t put a summary since I’m reccing an entire series, but. it is absolutely no secret that i adore jongerry. pit’s assistant archivist au slapped me over the head with some gorgeous jongerry oneshots and then gave me the gift of the main fic (which is still in progress) about head archivist martin. i love this au so so much

dustsceawung by  callmearcturus

Summary:

Martin had always been favored by the summer courts, and moving up north to the little village of Lacuna is a difficult adjustment. It's rainy and lonely and everyone seems to have a strange, distant relationship with the local faerie court.

However: there is a strange man in a cloak who walks past Martin's remote little cottage every few days.

However: there is a moth that keeps getting stuck in Martin's house during the rain.

These events are not as disconnected as they first appear.

Notes: you ever just read a fic that you didn’t know that you needed until after you read it? yeah. featuring the fae and moth jon and excellent characterization.

Illicio by ThatOneGirlBehindYou

As the new Archivist debates between life and death, the Eye ponders on what to offer him in order to avoid an encore of the unfortunate situation with his predecessor.

-----

Gerard Keay opens his eyes at what feels like fuck-ass in the morning, inside a room with far too little space and far too much dust.

Notes: This is also the moment where I reveal that im a sucker for jongerrymartin. please read this fic. gerry is brought back from the dead in s4 and everyone is far better off for it.

where there’s a will, we make a way by bubonickitten

Summary:

"So, what does happen if an Eye learns to See within itself?

What happens is this: the Archive Beholds the Watcher – and the Watcher blinks first."

________________________

Jon goes back to before the world ended and tries to forge a different path.

Notes: this time travel fixit is shaping up to be an absolutely incredible read. i love the way this author writes jon so so much, and the characterization is spot on. this whole fic just satisfies some little part of me. god. also!! bubonickitten’s writing in general? beautiful. please check out their other works.

The Timeline of Theseus by Applea

Jon tries to force the Spiral to send him back, but the Sprial's corridors never twist things quite the way you want them to. Back in 1996, Elias has no idea why or how the Eye made such a powerful Avatar out of an 8 year old, especially when said 8 year old doesn't actually know he has any powers at all. Clearly such a child cannot be left outside the Institute's care. 

Notes: This fic is legitimately brilliant. The author manages to capture the big ADHD mood and the precociousness of baby Jon while managing to write a wonderful storyline. Time travel! Elderly lesbians! A Jonah who is wildly in over his head but was walloped over the head with paternal instinct! Baby Gerry! What more could you possibly ask for?

rooms full of people who do not love each other yet by seaer

Summary:

“Wanted to ask about a book.” The boy has his hand on the counter, and he leans into it, nonchalant. The library is air-conditioned, but by no means frigid, and Jon can’t help but feel sweaty just looking at the layers he’s wearing; what looks like old leather over an olive-green Magnus pullover over his school shirt. “Do you have A Journal of the Plague Year?”

Jon says, tetchily, “We’re about to close.”

“I know. Do you have A Journal of the Plague Year?”

Notes: I am so in love with this author’s writing style and the way they write the characters!! The jon and gerry friendship is PERFECT and the character interactions are all darling.

if you read these fics please send the authors some love, they definitely deserve it!! 

#tma #fic recs #ill update this as i read #seriously some very very good stuff on here #long post

[whatbutandreil]

i had an ask sitting in my inbox for a couple of months bc i didn't really know what i wanted to say, but i lost the ask:/

unfortunately, when i tried to save my response to my drafts, tumblr just,, fuckin deleted it, so im sorry to whoever asked it:/ but i have my response now. the ask said "what(or who) got you into tfc?" to the person who asked this question, thank you. this has been a really great reflection. so uh,, here's my answer:

·

i kinda hate the way i came into tfc bc it was in a way that didn't respect the wishes of my, now friend on twitter, ziegenkind.

·

basically, i was scrolling on pinterest, as you do, and i fell into a hole of like,, gay fanart? (not a question, just a little self-reflection on how fucking queer i am. how did i not fucking know?)

·

anyway, so, i was scrolling, as you do, and i found @ziegenkind 's stunning painting of andrew and neil on the bottom bunk of the dorm bed (y'all know the one) and i was like "whooooo,, the fUCk are these two cuties (ʘ‿ʘ)??"

·

PSA : DONT REPOST PEOPLE'S ART WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION, ESPECIALLY IF SOMEONE EXPLICITLY SAYS NOT TO. THIS COUNTS AS REPOSTING IF YOU POST SOMEONE ELSE'S ART TO PINTEREST, INSTAGRAM, TUMBLR, TWITTER, FACEBOOK, ANY SOCIAL MEDIA. DO NOT QRT PEOPLE'S ART ON TWITTER IF PEOPLE SAY NO. YOU ARE NO EXCEPTION. AND DONT FUCKING ERASE PEOPLE'S WATERMARKS AND DEFINITELY DONT REPLACE THEM WITH YOUR OWN. DONT FUCKING DO IT. to the lovely ziegenkind, (it's julian from twitter (^o^)丿) it's so fuckin unfortunate that i found your art through reposts and it's fucking horrible that people don't listen, but thank you for being my bridge into this fandom and im very grateful to have found you and been able to talk with such an angel. you quite literally changed my life forever and i can't thank you enough:') im eternally grateful for that. BUT DONT FUCKING REPOST DIPSHITS

·

anyway, so, naturally, i sat in my bed for 3 hours at 1am on a school night, as you do, scrolling through andreil fan art and trying to figure out who the fUCK they were and what they were from. i found tfc and immediately downloaded it on my phone

·

i didn't get to reading it for a bit tho:/ abt a week later, i was brought to the emergency room bc i was planning to kill myself. id been diagnosed with depression for around a year, who knows how long i was suffering before that, and i was hitting my lowest. it was abt 2 weeks after new years and on new years eve, i was planning on ending it bc i couldn't fathom dealing with it for another year. another year of feeling nothing or everything all at once. but my mom had called me downstairs to go to a new years party, so i didn't go through with it. abt 2 weeks later, i had seen my therapist again, and i was deflecting hard core, and she saw it, and she sent me to the ER. i was evaluated all night, but i wasn't kept for observation since i told the nurse that the thoughts had passed. i was taken out of school and put in an outpatient program where id have group for 4 hours and school for 2. every morning for abt a month, i would get picked up at my house in a minivan and id have a good 20-25+ min drive to program.

·

every. single. morning. on the van, i would read tfc. every morning. i was going through, what i thought to be the worst time of my life (i now know that it in fact DID get worse and now we're going on a new level of bad, but then it was the worst id experienced) every morning i was reading about neil and him running from his father, something ive wanted to do for years. reading about andrew struggling with depression and self harm like i am and despising most touches bc of people in his life that ruined it, similar to how someone ruined it for me and doesn't understand that "no" means "no". reading about nicky learning to love and accept himself for being gay, for being who he is like ive been trying to accept myself being a queer ace trans boy. reading about kevin trying to cope with his anxiety, even if it's in an unhealthy way, the same way i do. reading about renee growing up one way and wanting to become a better person, something that i want to do every day. reading abt matt overcoming his addiction and loving his friends with his whole heart. reading about dan standing up for herself and being proud of who she is. reading abt allison cutting away the people in her life who wanted to hold her back. reading about aaron and andrew work through their differences to try and salvage their relationship. reading about neil taking his life back and living it the way he wants, on his terms, like i so badly crave to do. reading about neil and andrew finding a respectful and loving relationship, one where all boundaries are respected, not crossed, where there is comfort in being together and a certain understanding on a level that others could never wrap their mind around. the kind of relationship that i have always, always, yearned for, where i feel safe and loved and respected.

·

these books taught me not only to die for the ones i love or kill for them, but to live for them, and to me, that is a much more daunting and difficult task.

·

All For the Game gave me hope, something i never thought id have again. it gave me hope for tomorrow. and the day after that. and a month after that. and it gives me hope that one day, i will get away from my father, i will be comfortable with who i am and love myself for it, i will find ways to cope with my anxiety properly, i will be proud of the person i have become, i will have friends who i love and who love me, i will stand up for myself and be proud to be the person ive become, i will surround myself with good people and cut away those who treat me wrong and hold me back, i will work to repair and maintain good relationships.

·

it gives me hope that i will finally break away from the pain and start to live my life the way i want, as the person i was meant to be, the way i was meant to live my life.

·

it gives me hope that i will overcome my depression, that i will find the strength to stop harming myself to cope, that i will find the strength to push through, even after ive been given every reason to just give up.

·

it gives me hope that one day, i will find a person who will love me for who i am, love me despite my past and the scars i carry, love me in a way that i'll never be able to explain or understand. that i will find someone who respects my boundaries, who asks "yes or no?" before touching me, who respects if i say "no" and still fucking loves me regardless. someone who can feel like they can be completely themself around me, and that i can feel the same around them. someone who will fall in love with me a little more every day. someone who i'll fall in love with a little more every day.

·

it gives me hope that one day, hopefully someday soon—but i think im willing to wait—i will be happy.

·

All For the Game quite literally changed to course of my life, and i can say with confidence that without it, i would not be here right now.

·

people say that books and shows and movies change there life all the time, but i know that i wouldn't be here without it. these books saved my fucking life. i wouldn't have experienced those mornings, walking into program with a goofy smile on my face, practically vibrating with what i now know was joy, blabbing to every person i ran into that morning abt a boy with scars and a sharp tongue on the run and the small, depressed and angry blond who told him to stay. or nights when i sobbed and sobbed for those boys who deserved better. and i wouldn't have gotten black armbands to cover my scars and match with my two biggest inspirations. or when i have a bad impulsive thought, i wouldnt have a voice in the back of my head going "what would andrew say? what would neil say?" and the vivid image of the small blond giving me a stare, face carefully blank, yet eyes swimming with a mix between disapproval and hope, and the boy covered in scars tentatively giving me a hug, a bit awkward at first, but he's a lovely hugger and eventually, awkwardness turns into comfort. without it, i don't think id know what pure, honest love is supposed to look like.

·

sorry, i suppose this got quite a bit off track from what got me into aftg, but once i started writing, i couldn't stop.

·

TLDR; i saw fanart on pinterest, DONT REPOST ART WITHOUT PERMISSION, and my life was saved and changed for the better by a book that i stumbled upon, purely by chance.

·

i don't believe in fate, but i do think that i found these books for a reason, and that my life changed because of it. i suppose you could call it the butterfly effect.

#julian's replies #my story #these books saves my life #thank you #im forever grateful #about julian #tfc #aftg #all for the game #the foxhole court #thefoxholecourt #neil josten #all for the gay #andrew minyard #andreil #andrew joseph minyard #neil abram josten #depression #depression tw #suicide #suicide tw #selfharm #self harm #self harm tw #self harm mention #depression mention #suicide mention #ask julian

[lovebunnie]

all of them :))) ✨🌟

oh dear lord mads

Crimson - What was an event that’s shaped you to be who you are today? - i would probably say when i took my speech classes, as it really grew my love of public speaking and speech writing :>

Light Pink - Do you have stuffed animals? - yeah! i have a plush elephant, a green dinosaur, a small lamb, and a plush tweek doll from south park. they all chill with me and i love them

Blush - Are you single? - indeed i am!

Amaranth - What’s your favourite emotion? - im fond of :3 and :p

Cherry Blossom - How are you feeling right now? - kind of nervous for camp but overall really excited! and sleepy but thats unrelated

Hollywood Cerise - What are your ambitions? - i want to become a speech teacher or an english teacher and teach people how to find their voice in public speaking

Razzmatazz - Favourite TV Show? - …hannibal…

Rose - Where do you feel most comfortable? - in my room, with a laptop on my bed and my cat next to me, just fuckin Chillin

French Rose - What is your favourite flavour? - lemon!!

Cameo Pink - Favourite movie? - dead poets society, all day every day

Buff Orange - Would you consider yourself athletic? - not at fucking all. i used to be but not anymore :[

Burnt Sienna - Favourite smell? - roses and peaches. hell fucking yeah.

Melon - Do you like to dance? - sure! when i get ready in the morning and at night i dance to random music in my pajamas 

Carrot - Do you bake? - i make shit from boxed things, but from scratch no

Copper - What is your favourite kind of day? - a rainy day but not a thunderstorm and its saturday and i just got out of work and i have lots of money from it :3

 Orangeade - When do you feel alive? - gonna keep it real with u, i cant really remember the last time i felt really alive. im just kinda here exisiting 

Gamboge - Where do you want to travel? - id love to go to europe or back to san francisco or new york city!!

Peach - Favourite texture/s? - lace…

Vermillion - How brave are you? - not brave at all! im such a coward!

Bittersweet Shimmer - What is your favourite memory? - when my best friend visited from maryland and we hung out all day. thats the first that comes to mind.

Flax - Do you like going to the beach? - i fucking hate the beach

Wheat - Who can you trust the most? - i have a lot of trust issues but i really honestly can trust my best friend irl, @sarkisianns, and @g0bbleb0ners. i luv dem.

Laser Lemon - What kind of phone do you have? - an iphone 6

Gold - Are you high maintenance? - i cant really say for sure but like, probably yeah im a mess

Mellow Yellow - How calm are you? - im never calm literally ever i have an anxiety disorder

Unmellow Yellow - How high energy are you? - i used to be super high energy but recently ive been tired all the time :[

Papaya Whip - How honest are you? - i try to be as honest as humanly possible. i see honesty as the best way to go always, no matter what.

Transparent Yellow - Would you consider yourself to be special? - id like to imagine i am but honestly probably not

Canary - Favourite song? - atm its souk eye by gorillaz, but in the past its been ‘american pie’ and ‘viva la vida’

Reed Yellow - Do you play an instrument? - used to play drums, but not anymore! so no

Pear - Where do you feel rested? - in bed

Olive - What is your favourite food? - sushi is mmy fav its yummy

Fern - Favourite plant? - roses!!!!!!!

Moss - Are you quiet or loud? - depends on who you are. if i know u, i never shut up. if we dont know each other, im really silent. 

Tea green - How do you relax? - i try to sleep or i watch drew gooden on youtube

Celadon - Dream job? - in a perfect world? speech writer or professional public speaker 

Harlequin - Can you act? - im not really a theatre kid, but i am taking theatre next year so like who knows maybe ill find my calling

Malachite - Do you speak more than one language? - god i WISH but no

Mantis - Favourite animal? - kitties or sloths :3

Seafoam Green - Do you like water? - i fucking love it so much if i didnt have it, id LITERALLY die

Sky Blue - Would you ever want to fly? - sure! then id never have to drive which is ideal

Periwinkle - Would you want to breathe underwater? - yeah why not

Powder Blue - Or control the weather? - prob not i wouldnt know what is best for all the plants so i might kill them. but maybe to move all the hurricanes so no one dies……… yeah lets do that

Liberty - Become the president/prime minister? - id rather be shot in the chest

Space Cadet - Become an astronaut? - even tho i was known as ‘space kid’, space is terrifying so no thank u

Celeste (lol it me) - Have perfect pitch? - nah i like singing badly

Eton Blue - Become invisible? - YES PLEASE!!!!

Indigo - Become immortal? - no thanks, i dont want to see my mom die ever

Iris - Grow plants at will? - ROSES EVERYWHERE!!!!! THATS THE DREAM!!!!!!

Whispering Blue - Or teleport? - HELL YES!!!

Lilac - Would you want kids? - no way no how

Lavender - What is your favourite time of day? - early morning with the soft sunrise!!

Mulberry - Could you betray someone? - this is ominous as fuck but probably…. not… i mean, id like to think i couldnt

Eminence - Favourite sounds? - music and my kitty purring and making my friends laugh :3

Palatinate - Do you think you’ll make it to 100 years old? - probably not lbr

Prune - Do you ever think about dying? - everytime i enter a car or a movie theatre or walk alone i think about dying

Fandango - Do you spontaneously start singing sometimes? - YES. ITS MAGICAL

Thistle - If you could become wise, rich, or intelligent, which would you rather? - rich so i could give money to people who need it since rich people refuse to fucking do it

Mauve - What would you name your kids/pets? - id name a cat neil and a ferret either milo or bilbo

Royal Purple - What’s your favourite emotion? - …happiness…?

Cream - If you had 1 day left to live, what would you do? - probably sit in my bed and sob uncontrollably

 Silver - Are you a good person? - i dont think so, no

Ecru - How do you feel about the world today? - i think its in a very scary place rn and sometimes its hard to see good but if u look or it, it will always be there

Auburn - Favourite colour? - pink or red :p

White - Do you own lots of makeup? - i wish i owned more but im terrible at makeup so not really no 

Black - What is the greatest success of your life so far? - probably getting my blackbelt

Bronze - Would you follow my blog? - u silly goose….. i already AM!!! :DPink Nectar - What’s your aesthetic? - roses and peaches and softness and angels and sunshine and heart shaped objects and kitties and everything girly and delicate 

Sepia - Do you like photography? - sure! but im bad at it but i like looking at it

#sarkisianns #maddy #this took so much out of me #but it was fun! get to kno me :>

[taxidermy-bat]

this is thus far thte worst fucking december. i got laid off my job, the job ive been pouring my heart and soul into to keep improving and getting better at. retail is fucking hard but i never imagined working in my dream store being this soul wrenching lmao? i would die for the store i work for and the staff bc its an amazing place but they laid me off for two weeks during christmas bc i make too many mistakes. im not mad at them, but i am. it was embarrassing. they let me walk into my shift with my branded hat and my fucking coffee like everything was normal and then they sent me out in a cab while i sobbed. laid off during christmas. i thought i was doing so well there, turns out im an inconvenience and nothing i do is enough. im  sure they had logical reasons to get rid of me for a bit but it furcking hurt. i keep replaying that afternoon in my head, its fucking haunting me. i cant sleep at all. my insomnia came back because of this. i keep replaying what happened in my head and i cant stand to be alone riht now but of course everyone is busy or has to workl. so im home alone with my thoughts. 

not to mention my brain picked this week and the past week of all times to have the worst art block ive had in a while. that probablt doesnt sound like it should be that agonizing btu i truly dont know who or what i am without my art to do. and thats the proble,m , ive been having such a big fucking identity crisis for the past two months that im paralyzed mentally. i cant do anything anymore without feeling like im lying to myself and everyone around me. cant think about my hair, my clothes, what i say or how i act, my art, i cant do anything. everything i do feels like a lie. a stupid, vicious lie that i keep changing every day just to get by. i cant just have no name and not exist to anyone. im sick of this body, of myself, im sick of my room. im sick of my art. im done being me, i dont even know who it is thats in the mirror when i look. i want so desperately to just fucking make sense to myself. i want so badly to feel like i know myself. i dont know a fucking thing about myself now more than ever. it doesnt matter how drastically i change my hair, nothing i can do makes me happy anymore. no change makes me feel anything. im incapable of doing anything else, all i can think about doing is self destructive acts to just make me feel SOMETHING for once. even if its pain or hate i just want to feel somethgin strongly so i know im not completely desensitized to everything the world has. im fuckign tired of feeling empty and dead because nothing i do moves me or makes me feel like they should. i buzzed my fucking hair all off this month.  i would have been happy if  it had made me horribly upset. it would have been somethign. but no, i just shrug at anything i do to myself. none of it is enough. theres nothing drastic enough  i could do to make my brain react. nothing is solid. im fucking nothing. i have nothing to my identity, im nothing. im replaceable. im tired of this existence. im sick of me. nothing is in my grasp. i cant stand it. i cant even make art about it. everything i make nowadays is mediocre to me, it makes me want to vomit. im disgusted by myself. i cant stand me. this is the only place i have to fuckin yyell about it. if anyone who read this far could just fucking shoot me or somethgin and let my life be replaced by someone else who will be better that would probably be best. 

#big ol fucking bitch fest

[hannahvsana]

Some thoughts

It's like 11pm and I'm hella tired but I've been trying to think of reasons why this is happening and just observing my thoughts towards everything. -I'm really stressed with school, I'm failing biology badly, and when I'm stressed it opens the door for a multitude of bad thoughts. -I feel pathetic and frustrated that my victories are becoming smaller and smaller. Which is discouraging and makes me wonder what's the point in trying. It also becomes a cycle because the feelings of weakness get worse with each meal and each anxiety-inducing situation, which spirals until a snap every week or so. -I think I starting going downhill around November time; I restricted for the first time in a long time (I can't remember the trigger), which carried on till my sugars dropped really low and my mum was thinking about calling an ambulance. -The habits crept in slowly, and I thought it could handle it (in a fighting way at some points, but looking back I think it was in a quasi way, maintaining habits thinking that I'm in control). By the time I realised what was happening, it was too much to handle, exacerbating the situation. -The more the habits creep in, the harder it is to try and keep it all under control, which mixed with school, is very stressful. Then the more drained I am, the weaker my fighting gets. And the weaker it gets, the stronger the voice and the urges. The actual 'me' knows that the voice isn't real, but it's so convincing and tempting to let the habits carry on; I hate to say it but I feel so much more secure with it. Then even typing this, I realise how fucked up that is, again increasing the frustration. -Which leads me to think, am I even trying at all anymore? I'm eating when I really want to stop so I must be, and even typing this I'm being yelled at to stop, to keep quiet and let it be. But I feel like I subconsciously let myself slip because I feel safer like this. -I've lost a lot over the last month, I don't post numbers, but now I'm scared to gain again. I hate my body now so what will it be like when I'm WR again. -Last year I was weight restored, I've done it once, so again it's frustrating that I can't handle doing what i used to be able to. Im also frustrated that 2years into recovery im now being threatened with IP, i feel like I've let my therapist down, and my family and friends. -If i was to go IP, which hopefully won't be the case, they'll all be smaller than me. It's not that I'm too thin, it's the fact I've nosedived in recovery so fast that is worrying my therapist (and me). So I don't think I'd be able to handle that very well. -My therapist is trusting me this week to stick to my meal plan before my weigh in in the 10th. But I feel like I can't trust myself; my willpower is so low now that I don't think I can stick to my plan without breaking down or cheating on it. I know it's technically my choice to cheat or not, which makes me hate myself for it even more, but I'm feeling so drained at the moment that I'm not thinking clearly. -I feel like my ed habits and perfectionism are manifesting themselves in my everyday life. Yesterday in my art lesson my tutor sat down and told me that my work production is decreasing because I'm become fixated on making my pages look perfect. I never noticed it before she told me to stop obsessing (she was kind about it) but it makes me panic that my personality is changing again. Thinking about it this has been happening quite a lot. If my room is messing, it instantly drops my mood, and I plan my weekends in lists so that it's structured otherwise I feel useless by the end of the day. Ive always been a perfectionist, but taking a step back and looking at the situation, I get so stressed about small things I didn't use to. -I'm feeling really out of it, like I'm sort of floating through the day. I half-napped through 2 lessons today and I didn't talk to many people. I was meant to meet my mum's new boyfriend earlier, which I kinda did, but I couldn't stay downstairs and I'm scared that he thinks I'm really rude. Likewise, I'm scared that my mum has told his everything. I love her, but she almost uses my personal life as a conversation starter or a sob story. She got in touch with an old friend recently and said friend keeps telling me she's always there to talk. Meaning that my mum has told her. -I basically feel rather useless. Although I was so much worse physically at the start of my recovery, I felt like I could fight and get better. Now, I feel like I can't and I'm genuinely scared of losing control. I feel like I'm (and I hate to use the phrase because it's really hypocritical) not sick enough for all this worry. Many of my healthy friends are smaller than me anyway, and it's my fault for letting my recovery slack to a point where I'm struggling to regain control over it. At the same time i know it's mentally bad and i low-key need help. Idk anymore, it's almost midnight now so my mind is rambling. I think it's good though sometimes to allow my thoughts to jump around and write them down as they come. Sorry that was long, incoherent and probably contradicting. I wrote literally what I thought of next, like I was rambling but non verbally. I feel a bit better sectioning my thoughts and not have them floating around incoherently

#ignore me #ed recovery #eating disorder recovery #ed tw just in case #ed thoughts #ed relapse

[skulljoon-blog]

diary 2

lmao hey. its me again. missed me ??? woohoo. Im feeling a little better since my last entry. but obviously because alot has changed. i still dont have a therapist, my life is still shit, but hey- i have a boyfreind now right? that makes evreything go away. really? well in my mind it does. because im so fucked in the head that ive been taught through many many years of trauma that when im around people i have to put on my happy face!! so as long as im around people i guess im happy, weather i really am or not. i mean i have been happier lately, my boyfreinds pretty great. just kinda fucking sucks that evrey love song makes me fucking sob thanks to my ex. god that was stalkholm syndrome written all over it. i felt like he was my knight in fucking shining armor. that the one person in my life that fucking loved me was the person that was going to save me from this shitshow i call my life so i let him over run it depression and suicide, making evrey day a struggle and shoved all his problems on me to solve and once i beg for some kind of relif he tells me that its too much for him. god last time i talked to him i sobbed and he told me to pray to fucking god. but hes behind me now. hey- i got someone better right? ive learned from my mistakes and i understand how relationships work now. god i hope i dont break him. hes a great dude, really. i just really fucking hope that i dont break this boy. i know im bad for him but god i love him so much. but enough about my stupid love life. hey! im fucking moving. away from evreyone. i might not even get into a school that has 20 fucking kids from my old school going to it. what luck huh? its driving my family into a shit hole financially and emotionally. my moms in this by herself, since my dad finds it more important to harrass her and I drunk as shit from the comforts of his discusting bed that he never leaves whilst watching D&D. he lives such a sad life but god does he deserve it. last time i really talked to him was on my way up to camp. he had called my mom 6 diffrent times in a row and i had to call him to let him know that she was fucking driving. turned out he wanted a blowjob and had forgotten that i was leaving for a week. even better that he was drunk off his mind. even thought I was my mom for a moment haha, that wasent fun. anyways, my ED is back yahoo. at least i think it is. what do you call eating 3 peices of candy for each meal and then suddenly when evreyone in your house is asleep you have 4 servings of whatever the fuck is in the fridge with a side of chips and some soda? god i hate myself so much. i hate my body and i hate evreything about me. i dont know how anyone could ever love me but ig im okay because the only person that does love me at the moment seems to be pretty fucking sane minded. hes the only thing good about my life right now. but im not gonna tell him that. because i remember from my past that telling your partner that theyre the only thing keeping you from cutting up your thighs and arms and downing a bottle of pills after a rough night isnt really the best way to keep a relationship going. now im sure i wouldent kill myself without him, but hes a damn good reason on why to keep this shitty life up. and finally- im off drugs. at least for now. i dont wanna tell my boyfreind how badly i wanted a fix of some weed because im telling him im off it for good. but if i ever do smoke again im not telling him. itd hurt him. all he wants for me is to be okay so sometimes i fib a bit to keep him happy. well, thats about all for this shitty life update. toodles.   

[annabellsr]

Just skip this. Im stoned and in A Mood™

Its 3 am and i cant sleep and im overthinking so im going to write it out to ride it out.

Here we go.

Ive introduced caffeine back into my diet and that was a horrible awful mistake. My bad @ myself. My sleep has been FUCKED since. And the worst part? I crave it. Lmaoo dumb.

I like this writing but its way too fucking big damn it.

Welp.

I fucking almost texted my ex today to tell her what a piece of shit she was and is and that i am mad that her last letter to me she LITERALLY said she learned how to love thanks to all the abuse she put me through. I try not to think about it. But fun fact about caffeine is it can make you agitated. And it can effect you negatively if you have certain mental illnesses. And for someone who is so outspoken about it sometimes i am just so. In. Denial. About. My. Own. Illnesses.

Im still learning better coping skills and how to love and accept myself while simultaneously trying to unlearn a LOT of unhealthy thought patterns and coping habits.

Like accepting the fact i have a caffeine sensitivity. Like I know i will trigger a panic attack if i get more than 80mg of it in me. But i always tell myself i can push through it. Or it wont happen this time. Or i need to just buck up and deal with it. Like when will i learn? Who fucking knows but it sure as hell wasnt this week.

I was also thinking about kevin today. I hate him so so so much. However. I also feel so so so bad for him because i kinda understand him a little bit and we have some of the same bad coping habits. Except where my emotions lean towards sad his lean toward anger. Like yeah theres a ton of sad underneath there, but it shows itself as anger. Which is super rude, dangerous, and annoying. Buuut anyway. I was thinking about the day i legit almost killed myself. Like i was fucking ready.

I was so ready infact, that it scared me. And i reached out for help that day. I called a (at the time) friend. I didnt tell her why i called. Or what i was feeling. See the funny thing about me is im an Overshare-er™ and tend to do so especially when im stressed or feeling anxious(thats actually a pretty common symptom of anxiety). However there have been some distinct moments in my life where i wanted something so so badly i was able to keep my mouth shut until after i did whatever it was. These also happen to be key turning points in my life (some more obvious than others). So when i was on the phone with her and realized i had no desire to talk about wanting to end it all, and lied when she asked what was up, REALLY scared me. I felt, for a moment, like my body had made the decision for me. Like it was a once in a lifetime (lmaooo no pun intended) chance to change the direction my life was going. I was so sure i was ready. I didnt care what happened after, i wasnt even going to write a note because i felt whatever sob story excuse i had would just be scoffed at or seen as dramatic. I always felt too dramatic, too much, too alone, too intensely, too too too too too.

I always thought the problem

Was me.

UNTIL

This year. This year I finally realized (and mostly accepted ((i still have bad days, still rewiring the ol brain)) ) that /I/ was never the problem. I was just a fucking kid. Doing fucking kid shit. That NORMAL KIDS NORMALLY DO.

KEVIN was AND IS just a bully asswipe WHO ABUSED A CHILD because he was stuck in some shitty cycle cause his daddy was mean to him too. I mean hes still a shit person, hes impulsive, rude, racist, surprisingly not so homophobic? (Prob was when younger i could totally see it. He would be the "lesbians are fine but a gay dude betyer not evem glance at me" douche. ) and honestly a deadbeat who wont take care of himself, mind body or soul.

So to know that my childhood was legit wrecked by this dillweed fucking ENRAGES me. Which is SO ironIC CONSIDERING I SPENTMY 12-21 YEARS OF LIFE REPRESSING ANY FORM OF ANGER BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID OF TURNING OUT LIKE MY ABUSER WHO ONLY EVER SHOWED ME ANGER. And disgust. Like legit im sure he is disgusted by me.

But as soon as it clicked in my tumbleweed of a head that the only reason my childhood sucked wasnt because there was something wrong with me, but because i was someones scapegoat?! All that anger fucking ripped a new one in me.

Its like going on a T break and then smoking again. Its intense, and you feel it in every inch of you and its new but familiar at the same time but sometimes it is just SO INTENSE. Sometimes its too intense.

Just to think. He fucking broke me down to the point i was convinced it was me. I was the problem. I was always wrong or not enough or gross or too-SOMETHING. He broke me down to the point

I

Was

Going

To

Kill

My

Self

All because he never got help for himself, but instead took it out on me.

Fucking disgusting.

And i fucking HATE that sometimes i really want to help him. Because im fucking soft and when i step back i can see he is just a human suffering and i dont think people deserve to suffer.

Even though i know he never thinks twice about the way he treated me. (Mainly because he gets the fucking blessing of not remembering any of it. Fucker.) and even if i told him he prob wouldnt even care.

Sometimes i do think about telling him.

Laying it all out there.

And then blocking his number so i never have to know what his reply would be.

Its 330am.

I have work in 12 hours.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

#tw suicice

[d3athm3tal]

Here I am of course. God knows how often this happens. I think it may be the fourth time. I’m taunting myself with certain songs but all they seem to do is distract me. I feel, hollow. I can’t seem to stop crying, either. To be reminded every couple of months off of the person you love so deeply, intensely and fully, dosent feel the same is one thing. But to know people were in on it, to know it was my own doing too. Every night I would desperately beg her not to go anywhere and tell her that I couldn’t live with her. She would console me and tell me she won’t move an inch, and that I’ll always have her. I was terrified to go to her,to go near her because of this. Because of what is happening right now. She’s moved away from me because she has to. Like I told her it would. But no one ever listens to me, I know how this works. My sadness clashed with hers along with some mixed up feelings and a fucked up history- it wasn’t inevitable it would end in disaster. I suffered at night alone as much as I could so she would stay, so I wouldn’t push her away. I probably spared myself sometime even though near the end was cold and unfamiliar. Nothing like us. She terrifies me, and rightly so. She pulls me in and whenever I tried to move back she asked me not to, and I only wanted to move back beaches I didn’t wanna be 6 months in, hopeless. Like right now. I stayed because she thought we could work it out and I did too. We worked it out, we were Skye and Sophie. But you know, fuck her. I bit my tongue and held my breathe at times but I love her, she knows I do. Any normal person would get jealous and confused and possessive. Because she did confuse me, with her late night conversations and beautiful words and reassuring hold. Did she expect me to stay and totally pretend I didn’t feel how I did? I did well seperating it but there’s only so much a human can take. And it wasn’t jealous in the aspect in what most would think. I only got jealous because I knew she would want someone, and she could want someone. She would want any single person on this entire world that isn’t me. And she would get them, because look at her. I got jealous because they had the opportunity to have what I do badly craved, about what consumed my mind and taunted me, they would permanently get something I got a brief taste of which wasn’t even meant for me. I was just on the wrong end of a drunken mistake. I think that’s one of the hardest parts, knowing what I am missing. The laughing and the closeness and just all things her. I don’t think she realises how difficult it’s been all of these months. Swallowing that possessive side of me, tensing my fists because it’s a huge part of me. I envy anyone that is at the disposal of what I need, of what I so desperately fucking need and want. More so when the value and worth is not recognised to the extent it should be. I’ll probably never be okay with it even if I’ve moved on in years to come. I truly dread the day where I find out she feels the same way about someone that I feel about her, my eyes actually stinged writing that. And there’s a stabbing pain in my chest. I don’t even know if she’ll come close to feeling this strongly about anyone, I don’t know if anyone will and if they do good luck to them. I don’t think anyone in this world has ever loved anyone as much as I love her. I can confidently say that. And it’s so much more than romantic feelings, it’s every part and aspect. The friendship, our connection.

You see, every single part of me loves every single part of her. Even the bad parts. My fucked up hear still manages to create something so beautiful, perhaps the only beautiful thing it ever has or will. I would do anything to go back to may. Before your party, before my gaff and Meghans. Take me back to the night we stayed up on FaceTime laughing, when you would annoy me about a secret and we would text soppily until we fell asleep. Until my heart felt content with having YOU in my life. Regardless of feelings. Without knowing the feeling of having you close to me and having your hands against my face, without knowing that you doubted everything for a split second. Just knowing that the split second happened where you didn’t know how you felt happened made a world of different. I wish I didn’t know. Even though it genuinely is nothing and was nothing.

No I’ve changed my mind, take me back to March. Where I was so unsure of where you stood in my mind. When I got a little bit nervous the month previously because the bottle landed on us and you looked beyond perfect and I was nothing. Then when my stare would linger a little longer, when my back hurt from the shaky foldable chairs in the blue lit room as I nervously waited your presence on the stage. I shook my legs as my eyes scanned the many people until they shifted on to you. My heart beating so fast I could barley breathe and my smile stretching over my full face until my head hurt. I was in awe of you clasping that book with your curled blonde hair and that little blue bow sitting perfectly on top. I was happy. I loved you being happy and doing what you love and I just wanted to be near you. I was so excited for your FaceTime that night.

Ive noticed I’m talking directly to you now rather than about you. I guess I always get scared when we’re directly talking about it. I just can’t hear your rejection yet again. Im stuck now you see sophie. Because my soul is clinging to yours with every bit of strength I can muster. My heart knows to be near you, for the good of my heart let me be near you. But for the saving of any pain coming my way to let you go. I know it’s what you want. I am heart broken. I am broke. To have all of those late night FaceTimes ripped from me, to have the one person that phoned me until I answered,that held me til the sobbing stopped, that reassured me until I believed you. You’re palming me off with the rest of the group hug I’ve tried to let them in before and they just go on their way after it. They don’t check up on me, they don’t notice me not eating or sitting with my earphones in, they care when I tell them of course but theyre not you. And that isn’t anything to do with my feelings for you. It’s just about our friendship. Loosing this friendship is the other worst part. You were the closest thing I had to a best friend. God you were. What am I going to do? I feel so lost. I can’t believe this has happened sophie. I thought you were different. And you can justify this all you like but it’s the brutal truth. You let me fall for you but promised me it wouldn’t get in the way, and it did. You told me my sadness wouldn’t come between us and it has. You said we would never move away from one another and we have. You said you wouldn’t hurt me again and you have. You broke every one of your promises. Cover it up however you like. This isn’t fixable anymore. I don’t know what to do because I know this is it. Even if we were to come back into one another’s lives it wouldn’t be the same. Because I won’t be able to trust you with me anymore. You said you would protect me from the pain and the numbness and the voices. That you would destroy them and keep it out but in reality they couldn’t touch me if you were there, they didn’t stand a fucking as long as my fruit bat was there. The only thing you needed to protect me from was yourself and you couldn’t. You couldn’t. So

I am gone sophie. I’m swallowed by this depression that catches me every so often, by this feeling of lost, I don’t know where I’m supposed to be, and I have been consumed by you.

My soul will forever love yours. Romantically, platonically, in any way.

I am so so so sorry it ruined us. You were my anchor but you just sunk with me. You’re really

Gone and I have gone with you. I love you so much. God I do. And I’d fall in love with you all over again. I’d love you in every other life I was in, I’d hurt again all over for you.

I’m so sorry

I’m so sorry

I’m so sorry

Please don’t go I csnt live with out you

[somedaypast-thesunset]

this was a really confusing shitty moment for me in my life, to be honest. 

i feel kind of vindicated but i dont? it’s really hard to seperate some of what he’s saying and maybe its just really hard to accept “it is what it is”. 

i dont feel like he loves me but i have the freedom to “feel like” he loves me while finding someone who does actually. like - no. i mean. i dont know. i dont know. i guess none of it matters. but it does because i now have this person in my life but like do i have this person in my life? to what capacity? am i allowed to have friends i see everyday? what are they to me? 

should i just go to work and come home and ignore all of it. 

i guess the whole thing is to stop questioning it and just let it be what it is but i dont know i dont get it. 

i guess also right now especially for the past 6 months ive been doing nothing. and my friend tried to kind of praise me for all these little accomplishments and it’s so trivial and what shoul i believe you know is my brain chemistry this way did trauma scar how i’d function an i have to work to train it differently? 

i’ve literally not cared at all and kind of depended on him to give me a purpose which is unhealthy but when you put really high stakes like a persons will to live then you kind of feel the need to stick around. 

not that that summarizes why he would have me in his life but it’s an added stresser to being in someones life. 

he’s leaving though. he’s just leaving. i wont be going with him. he said, “well you said you’d follow me and i want you in my life. you can do what you want.” i asked, “how can i possibly follow you? like i’m a seperate entity just following you around. we’ve never explained the logistics of when i’d have any opportunity to be apart of your future” 

to which he replied, “we’ll always be seperate entities. but i don’t want to feel like i’m dragging you with me or being weighed down in a responibility for you.”

i “get it”. i couldn’t explain like - would i travel in the same fucking vehicle as you? or am i just responsible for getting myself place to place? like this is something i would be willing to commit myself to because not a lot of people would want to do someting like this or dedicate themselves to it and i’ve lived an unconventional life by the means of other people and i think it’s fair to be able to choose to live one by the means of myself. 

no matter what, i have to improve myself though. but i guess if i thought i was “leaving” i would take different steps in my self improvement to prepare for a different journey in the long term. 

i spent two years kind of on that precipice. self improvement can happen at all stages in life in many ways and when you can see the journey you’re going to take, you can prepare. 

i know that if i continued to be in his life in any way while trying to better my life, it would be detrimental to the process because once he leaves on his “i dont know what i’m doing with my life journey” i’m probably never going to talk to him again simply out of spite and complete disinterest. like i know i will be so internally hurt that i will choose to just never talk to him again. i would never talk to my oshawa ex again. like if he tried to talk to me and tell me about his life which we already tried to do - i dont care. i literally just dont care. why the fuck do i care getting random ass phone calls or texts from you about your life? you are not like some long term friend. okay to ME i would choose not to be long term friends. 

why? because i never got what i wanted or needed from that person for whatever reason we stopped our initial closeness for so why should i maintain an interest in their life?

if he leaves with no care of how i’d logistically be in his life if i chose to follow him i would not have gotten what i wanted and needed from this relationship.

can i get that or should i just let it go? i guess i’m really at a “should i stay or go now” situation. will staying result in the same thing as the going now result but just taking a longer time to get there? or will i eventually communicate something to him that shows that i want to make an effort. 

i feel stubborn. i feel like i know exactly what to do and how to do it and if i “wanted to” i could probably stop a majority of these really lazy and fruitless wasted efforts of “life” things. like just laying around. i can’t prove that to him without making an effort to actually do that in a significant way but if i move the mountains of my depression to make an effort that still leads to the same outcome because i was never logistically accounted for even as a guest so any effort i made would never lead me to be prepared. 

like what if i just got rid of all my things? gave up the cats? worked my ass off and saved every penny for two months? but i’m just ... left here. then i’d had mde these “life improvements” to no greater gain but like.. momentary satisfaction which leads to just replacing my shit with money i saved and regretting the fate of my cats because i’m super lonely. 

what if i keep the cats, slowly work on getting a little part time job, “go to yoga” - what do i get from his support of me doing this in that moment when it eventually leads to the same result whre i’m left behind and i get phone calls and pictures and messages about what he’s doing and i have to pretend like i care when i was just left behind without any real care but i have a job and i “go to yoga” so my life is “improved” and i guess makes it all the more easier to not give a damn about something thats so obviously unhealthy to begin with. how can i be in his life? 

i guess it’s kind of funny. maybe i was projecting my own feelings on to him and i guess it’s not something we regularly consider to be in my thought capacity but like, does he think i would care about him in this scenario? i don’t give a fuck what my distant ass relatives are doing with their time. that’s like a brief phone call every two years for me. 

i think i was really mentally unprepared to enter this situation tonight. i also think i was thrown for a curveball because i had negative expectations which didn’t play out like i thought it would and in some ways it was kind of positive. but because i was mentally unprepared i reacted in the way i would react in any overwhelming scenario - it’s panic and sobbing. i guess since i have more questions that this could conceivably extend to a second part of hanging out. but like i cant ask can i come along ill do this and this without presenting the proof of even the ability to produce anything on that level. i’m literally just saying believe in me, i can do this. like”give me a shot on the field coach, i’m ready”. i suppose i can ask outright can i come with you because i think the phrasing “ill follow you” is too vague. 

all of this says i still want to be with him and right now in these really overwhelmingly stressful times i have literally no idea why i woul an can’t even recall anything of merit he did that dictates that i should “follow” this man anywhere. 

you know, regardless, i need to “get a job”. there is “nothing wrong with” getting a job. im literally just putting air quotes because i’m upset it “leads to nothing” but really it is a postiive to just get a job even if i dint give a shit about the money. but the i’d also have money. and my life would improve. 

is it unhealthy to talk to him to help make myself more comfortable for a second in person meeting where i can pose such questions? i mean i cant ATLEAST be a sobbing mess. the question is difficult enough to pose. 

is this even a thing i want to do to make myself happy? just essentially follow this person’s whims as they try to rediscover themselves? it’s romantic and adventerous and stupid an crazy and i guess it makes me feel like if i cant conjure this up in myself because i just dont have the passion towards the multitue of experiences in life and wouldn’t seek them out myself then maybe i can follow someone else? 

i do love him, a lot. it’s really hard to cut off communication with him; i want to talk to him. i want to explore my newfound freedom of communication with him. like i feel more comfortable now that i’ve sai what i wanted to say. like i think it was the worst of all i could say. and i am now an embarassing sobbing gross mess so like where can i go from here. 

it’s really hard to just focus on myself. i know how to be alone but i dont know how to love myself. i think im a heavily flawed person both inside and out and i think alot of my behavior does badly effect the people i’m aroun and it can become like a chain reaction where it effects one person and then everyone close to them. but im stuck in a loop - i hate myself too much to “help myself”. to put in the effort i need to do to make my life better. i was not just programmed to hate myself but i began to loathe the behviors i coul see that were programmed by them so the hatred grew stronger. 

that hatred is now the core definition of my character and when i interact with anyone or anything or try to do anything, this character takes over and with blatant disregard fucks my own attempts at doing better. but it’s still me. i still have to reprogram these behaviors that come from such deep hatred of myself. an theyre so large and so deep - i dont care about how i live or how i’m going to eat or feed myself or what quality of food i eat, i dont care about keeping up my own personal hygiene, i dont care about the fact i put up with completely out of the norm situations by living here, i dont care about any prior interests nor do i care about building new ones. i watch endless amount of “informative” programs as if that’s somehow better. like it justifies me spending like.. most of my waking hours doing this. its “educational”. 

i essentally live like a crackhead and i dont even do hard drugs. there is a reason i am here and i could very well have him apart of my life to better fulfill the level of self hatred i have to put myself through something i wouldnt have to experience with someone else. i want to feel like shit. i put salt in the wounds. i poke the bear. i make the wrong moves to get the wrong reactions so i can continue the cycle. 

how can i improve? do i live in the now or do i plan for a “better tomorrow”? i mean - i guess as a human i just have that choice and it’s whatever works for me. maybe i can choose what kind of person i want to be. do i want to be a live in the now person or a better tomorrow one? is living in the now compulsive behavior? is planning making me better prepared or rigid/comfortable in routine? maybe it puts restrictions on the expecations of myself? like i feel especially shit so i plan for low energy things when i had the ability to achieve more? it’s like why do the work when i’ve already planned the “easy way out”. it could take a bit of both but whats the right balance? 

i want to say like i’ll do this and this tomorrow but maybe it’ll lock me in and i wont want to do that but i couldve done something else but instead i’m bummed i dont feel like tackling those tasks today.maybe it’s just a general knowlege of things that could be done in any moments. 

when i was a kid i dropped 50lbs because i was tired of being fat and put myself on a strict but okay diet. like i still got decent nutrition but i was just tired of being fat from overeating and i just ecided to stop and i did. this is one of the crowning moments in my battle against self hatred. now its used once again in my self hatred but on the opposite spectrum.i have a lot of battles to face and some of them ill hve to face multiple times before i beat them. 

it’s really an odd feeling to have to forcefully make myself accept that i’m going to do better than this while kind of begrudging the idea. like i have no false hope that people tend to have when theyre like ‘oh im starting this diet im really excited about it’.i’m not excited about the prospect of facing these battles because my self hatred’s uphill battle (instead of the disgusting collapse of everything you are) of “self love” is filled wit humiliation. could be another battle i have to overcome but i’ve already faced enough humilation for the year. ill still do it but im sad it will become a lingering cloud. 

i guess the one thing i can do in planning for a better tomorrow is to only allow myself so much time to think about the relationship stuff. or lack there of. or maybe its there. i dont know. whatever it was/is we parted ways with a hug and i love you so no matter how much time i take to think about anything, it’s open for me to have a positive experience with him. it’s going to be beneficial in all ways to break the habit of thinking about him or anything “we” could do together. we loved eachother and the overwhelming feeling is that no matter how mch time i spend thinking about it or asking questions its probably not going to work out. sometimes that happens. the sooner i put it ou of my mind, the sooner i can just get over it and move on to the next era of my life with new/different people. i was already doing that in some ways before i stepped into all this. 

i guess i feel weird as well because he offered to pay for a month of yoga classes. i dont think that gives me the drive to go to it. i ca definitely see myself not going just because its cold. i can also see myself hating the people who attend a yoga class and choos to be involved in the community surrounding yoga. it’s not really my type of vibe. but if i turn down that; which coulve been as simple as going to a yoga class, then i should probably produce something on level. but maybe it was a way to get me involved in his positive activity so we could manage positive experiences together. to prove i could come through. 

i am ready to interact with people i’m just not ready to have that sort of interaction. the weirdness of group stretching. i think it’s okay if yoga is a private practice i dont pay for. 

lets not forget i taught myself how to draw and entered a community i knew no one in a few years ago. i had the initiative once before.