#if you told me i'd be doing this in 2020 three weeks ago i'd have laughed in your face :

[novelcain]

OKAY! So when I was about 10/13 years old my mom took me to get a check up.. perfectly normal right? What could possibly go wrong.. oh yeah I was also there to get my shots.. I hate getting shots, always have always will.. it’s the syringe needles!! the fact that I know they have to be hollow enough for stuff to go in and out of the inside of those things is just wrong to me.. 😟 Anyway me and my Mom get there and everything SEEMS to be alright.. until the doctor comes back and says I have to get EVERY! SINGLE! SHOT! SINCE BIRTH!! OVER AGAIN!!!

Ya wanna know why??? BECAUSE THEY LOST ALL MY MEDICAL RECORDS!! ALL OF THEM!! 😡

Like okay yeah, shit happens I guess..

But.. my colorful, sugary sour Overlord.. They didn’t lose literally ALL my medical records once.. NOT twice!! NO no no no… BUT THREE FUCKING TIMES!!! In.. a.. row.. 😑 And all in the same Year.. I shit you not. 😤

Sssoooo yeah, I’m a bit traumatized and HATE going to the Doctor.. 😰

SO! 2020!! Covid shows up and I have to get a vaccine shot.. my Mom bless her heart comes with me, and I have to fill out the form… I spent an embarrassingly long time trying to write down my date of birth..

I was shaking so bad and ended up handing the paper & pen over to my Mom… Because I couldn’t remember which way the number 3 faced.. I was having a freaking mini panic attack.. at 21 🥲

I also had a panic attack & nearly fainted when I had to get my molars removed and the nurse showed up with the iv bag.. and I finally realized I was getting the syringe not the gas.. hadn’t panicked the whole time till that poor lady strolled in.. I think I scared her a lil when I started hyperventilating and asking my mom, wh-what what? What??? But it turned out okay!! That incident happened when I was about 18 I think..

🎃~

BRUH i know what you mean with the hating needles thing! I have had nothing but bad experiences with them. Like when I was younger I'd have to get allergy shots every week so I already HATED shots bc of that but then one day this super old bitch gave me my shot and literally stuck me so hard that the needle scraped my fucking bone! My bicep hurt for a whole month I couldn't do anything!

And then this one time I was in middle school and I had to get my blood drawn for testing, and some info about me I have always had very thick skin, and the nurse tried to use a butterfly needle but when she tried putting it in the damn thing broke against my skin! Anyways, everyone panicked for a hot sec and now it's in my file somewhere that they have to use big needles on me now! LIKE THE FUCK!?!?🤬🤬🤬

Ugh! If I sat here and told you all my needle stories we'd be here all day.

But my gods, how they gonna lose your damn records THREE FUCKIN TIMES!!!??? It's called a fuckin computer system you numb skulls! If it's really that hard to input the data yourselves then ffs just scan a pic of the records and save that!

Me: On behalf of my fruity heh subject, Skittle's gonna sue! *sprinkes dark matter on them bitches*

But fr tho same with the covid thing. In order to get my second vaccine I had to be drugged before going, and I STILL had a panic attack the whole time, not cause of my fear of needles tho. I mean it was a little bit because of the needles but mainly because of the agoraphobia. I think that was really the first instance of me being unable to function alone in public. I had to have Ritz and her mom there to talk for me and fill out the paper work cause I couldn't. I was shaking, I couldn't communicate outside of nodding to Ritz, and I couldn't even look at anyone other than Ritz. There were a few times I almost passed out inside of the clinic waiting room. I'm pretty sure now that I think about it that that was the last time I was out in public at all and that was almost 2 years ago. Definitely was NOT a good motivator to make me do it again lol. Sorry this is low key embarrassing for me to talk about and I honestly spent 30 minutes just deleting this and rewriting it over and over again before deciding to keep it

#🎃 anon #skittle answers #skittle rambles

[starseneyes]

"I wish I could write 'weird sh*t' as a diagnosis"

I love my General Practitioner. My last one retired, and it took me over a year on a wait list to get into this one a girlfriend recommended, but it was so worth it.

Today I received my formal Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome diagnosis. Not vascular, in my case, but does cause me quite a bit of daily pain and I'll be off to PT shortly.

But what is often my least favorite part of visiting the doctor became a revelation today—the weigh-in.

TW: miscarriage, bleeding, pregnancy

The year was 2020. It was late February and I was getting ready for what would become my last Tae Kwon Do belt testing before the Pandemic shut the world down. I didn't love my weight, but I felt strong.

See, after I had my twins, I went back to pre-pregnancy weight in 17 days. Yup. 17 days. And for a 30-year-old, I was shocked and pleasantly surprised!

But after my daughter, three years later, I had 20 extra pounds that I couldn't shake. This was partly due to a rough pregnancy (almost lost her at 12 weeks, placenta previa, couldn't work out) and then complications after her birth (trapped placenta, bled for 5 months, hemorrhaged, etc).

I started Tae Kwon Do in 2019 mostly because I'd been told my whole life that I couldn't do it. I wanted to prove that person wrong, but also show myself that I was capable. I had to work hard, but I wasn't bad. That last belt test, I earned my blue-stripe (mid-level belt).

And I was strong. I didn't lose a single pound doing Tae Kwon Do, but I turned it into strength. Into muscle.

It was when I stopped weighing myself. I realized that the number on the scale didn't reflect the body I had.

But, when the world shut down, everything shifted for all of us. I was sick for 10 months of 2020. I lost 40% of my income. I had to balance working from home with homeschooling three children, and I barely ate.

Now, I am not one of those people who loses weight when they don't eat. My body goes into preservation mode, and it all goes to my stomach, arms, butt, and hips.

I gained 20 pounds, and since 2020, I haven't been able to get them off.

Six months ago, I went for a weigh-in as part of my physical. I tried to ignore the number, but I knew it well. No changes. Today, I went in for a follow-up—and 18 of those 20 pounds are gone.

I knew I felt different. I felt stronger. I felt healthier. My clothes felt different. But I don't get on scales anymore, so I didn't realize the difference of having the stress gone.

You see, 5 months ago, our lives changed. After a year of trying to keep up with medical debt by taking every extra job I could, working all hours and not sleeping, I finally put up a GoFundMe in shame and desperation.

In 48 hours it raised $8,000 and we erased all but two medical payment plans—one that is now down to $300, and the other has a few thousand to go for my braces.

I went back to working normal hours. I started being able to afford groceries again for me and not just for the kids. Everything shifted in a beautiful way.

I haven't gotten into a workout routine, yet, but I started walking several times a week for Mental Health Walks.

Life changed for us radically because a bunch of people (some of whom I've only met online) rallied around us in our darkest hour.

And for the first time in years, I am getting back to a healthier me. I cannot express my gratitude. There aren't enough words.

It's a reminder that sometimes we can't do it alone. We need our community. We need people who love us. And I am humbled and honored by the love showered on me.

And you. Yes, you! If you don't feel loved today, I hope you know that I love you. I value you. I am proud of you. You are beautiful. And you are loved.

#tw miscarriage #cw miscarriage #cw blood #tw blood #cw pregnancy #tw pregnancy

[transmogrified-in-the-void]

I've been going through a very interesting, and important gender and gender presentation journey over the past four months, which culminated into a comment that has been bothering me for a while.

Since about mid-September, I've been slowly gaining a lot of self-confidence for various reasons, and I've also been looking at the parts of myself that I've hidden underground inside my mind for a long while. Including my own feelings about my own femininity.

For those who have known me for a while, you'll know I've always been more masculine leaning in presentation and gender. As it turns out, I sort of pendulum swing across the entire spectrum.

Me and the friend who's been by my side this entire journey (who, funnily enough, is the only allocishet friend I have), had this inside joke with each other that if I showed up to a meeting with the gang in a skirt they wouldn't know what to do. And so we eventually got me a skirt.

I can't begin to describe the amount of pure bliss I felt when I saw myself in it. I'd only felt that feeling once before, when my dad put one of his old ties on me for a fun little game we were playing in 2020. The only difference was that when that happened, I was still in denial about who I was. When I looked in the mirror, it was something I couldn't even begin to grasp onto. When I looked into the mirror just barely two weeks ago, I finally saw me.

And so we ended up making a whole "scene girl" outfit for me. This was revealed in almost its entirety a few days later, and we were right. They really didn't know what to do with me. With the exception of my mom and one of my oldest friends (who both said I looked cute, and I did! I felt cute!), the actual group I hang around with didn't know how to react to it. One of my friends just ignored the whole thing like it was normal (hurtful, but it's whatever), another kept asking when it happened and trying to wrap his head around the change (funny), and one eventually ended up saying something that's been bothering me.

Initially, they were really surprised I had legs because he forgot that I did. But later, when we were talking about a character that me and the aforementioned friend had made for a sitcom (a transman who dresses femininely for the most part), he turned to me and said "so like you, a transmasc drag queen".

While yes, that fits that character fairly well, it didn't sit right when about me. Because no, as it turns out, I'm not a transmasc drag queen. I'm not really . . . anything. When I dress more masculine, it's queer because it borders on tomboy/butch and transmasc (which, I know those terms can coexist, but I'm using it as a scale of masculinity because I can't explain it any other way), and when I dress femininely it's also queer because I'm someone who inherently goes towards androgyny/masculinity as my comfort expression.

Here's the funny part, though. Of the four people I hang around, three are queer in some way. The only one, the only one, who saw that I'm fine with fluidity in pronouns, jokes about my gender, and just sort of knew from the beginning that I was suppressing my femininity (which he told me after the Skirt Moment, so that was a fun night), was allocishet. I could get into all the weird shit that has gone on with me and the group, but the least queer person in the group understood, almost immediately, that I, the most verbally and visually queer of the group, enjoy funny little gender jokes. Hell, a few days after meeting I was doing something in my friend's kitchen and he said "oh sorry I was raised in a republican household, if there's someone in the kitchen I assume it's a woman".

So I guess what I'm saying, right now, is that I'm not any particular gender identity, I'm not trans anything, I don't really enjoy the fit of genderqueer even, I just. Am. And I wish that people irl would be willing to have fun with that more, rather than being so fucking afraid that I'm going to have a breakdown and kill someone for misgendering me.

#also this is like. really small. #but that allocishet friend didn't know my pronouns for the first week knowing me and when i wasnt there was she/her-ing me #and everyone would just. death glare him??? and not correct him??? #like he was supposed to know??? #one whole week of it happening!!! and he had to go and ask because they wouldnt tell him!!! like what!!! #its just. so weird that my friends are so protective of my identity in places that i dont give a fuck??? #meanwhile one of their moms is protective of me because. and i quote. 'payton will give up things for others that they care about at their #own detriment' like that is the second most accurate reading of me anyone has given #idk i could get into the small shit that this group does #like how i used to talk about being in a constant state of disassociation and it was just 'eyyyy cool! me too sometimes!!' #or how i make a joke that im constantly touch starved and they still dont even really want me to hug them or anything???? #idk small shit like that #or paytonisms #but i love them #so yeah. heres this ig ;-; #p bangs the keys

[nightsidewrestling]

D.U.D.E: Part 1 - The Man Behind The Crown (Set in 2020)

Note: This is set in a universe where Men VS Women / Intergender matches can happen.

Tags: @piratewithvigor @tantamount-treason @thedollmaker16

Around 2000 Words. 18+ in places (those chapters will be marked as 'Mature / sexual content' just to be safe). Please inform me if you wish to be tagged or untagged from posts. If the text is in italics and orange it's Kirby's inner monologue. If the text is coloured but not in italics, it's either dialogue or a P.O.V change (P.O.V changes will be in bold and translated dialogue will appear in square [ ] brackets), Key below. Quick note on Geia's text colour: Yes I do know that as Greed she should be in yellow but I decided to colour the men's dialogue yellow so Geia was changed to be pink like the other women in the story outside of the main 8.

The Main 8: Damo - Bio. Vi - Bio. Billie - Bio. Geia - Bio. Kirby - Bio. Honey - Bio. Eli - Bio. Sara - Bio.

Gluttony's P.O.V:

As she looked up, she saw Damien's face, and that scowl... that damned scowl. The one of an angry tyrant looking at an insubordinate servant moments before carving their skull in half with a sword.

Kirby wakes up in a cold sweat, shivering with her mouth drier than the Sahara. She knows it was a nightmare but it was the same nightmare she had been having since moving into the building two years ago. Damian Lum, her boss, had bought an old disused motel, just enough room for the girls and their families if needed. The girls, each with their own problems in life, were representing the other six sins, and they had chosen Kirby to be Gluttony. Kirby, the only giant, was now known as a gluttonous beast and Damian... no, Damien, was to blame.

Damian was rich, not from wrestling as 'Damien Lucifarian', but because he was Damian Lum, son of wealthy businessman Adam Lum and thus his family had more dollars than sense. Stupid mental jokes aside, Kirby had to get up, her mind was the type that stayed awake after being awoken. Plus, it had just gone '06:00', or so her alarm clock told her.

"If I were luckier, I'd have been saved by the bell." She mutters to herself as she gets out of bed, a long day ahead of things already on her to-do list from last night's unfinished work and the days before. It was Monday. 20th July. 2020. Around three weeks earlier she had called her parents to wish her father a happy birthday. Three weeks; 3; Three weeks of working for AEW. Three weeks of editing Eli's Vlog, too. Kirby hated; no; Kirby hates the vlog. She went to college, and university, only for those skills to be used on the vlog. That stupid vlog.

Admittedly, she only hates it because she isn't getting paid for her work, despite the amount of hours put into it. Hours she could spend doing projects she has more love for. Her art. Making her own rig gear. Alas, she was awake and therefore she had to get dressed and do her morning routine. Shower, dry off, brush teeth & hair, get dressed, done. She would head to the gym next door and wait until someone got in contact. Kirby's not a social person; nor is she a recluse: she has anxiety and can find new people intimidating at first.

At '06:30' Saraid arrives out front in the car. They had already planned out the morning; café, breakfast, grab gear, airport, check in, flight, get to Jacksonville, reach the hotel, have lunch. Saraid's relationship with Kirby is like a younger sister, Saraid gets on Kirby's nerves, Kirby watches over the eighteen-year-old and waits for orders. Both of Semi-Irish descent and with an annoying habit of blurring the lines between gimmick and reality, they had grown protective over each other during the two years they were together.

Thanks to the fact the 'compound' as Damian called it was in Asheville, North Carolina, it took just under two hours to get to Jacksonville, Florida. From there the girls went to meet with their boss and the rest of the sinful team at their hotel, taking in the sights that they can before they reach their destination and unpack their belongings.

Eli's Vlog P.O.V:

Eli flipped the camera screen around before turning it on and filming.

"Bonjour [Hello], my darlings, tis me." She started her intro, same as the three weeks prior, making sure to get the other girls with her in the hotel lobby on camera.

She always began the same, a small intro to herself and her life before going on with her day and filming most of what she did within a day. Kirby would edit it later, taking out the unnecessary and double checking whenever she had to censor a word.

"Today, is the first day of our trip to Jacksonville. We're going to wrestle in Daily's Place and then hang out with some of the guys in a nearby bar. But first, I'll show you around Jacksonville with Geia and Billie."

As Eli continues to film, Kirby and Sara chat in the background with Renee, Jon Moxley's wife, Renee. Sure it was in the background, but viewers paying less attention to Eli and more to the goings-on in the camera view could glimpse Moxley and one of his friends going past the girls, Mox's friend pushing past Kirby quite aggressively.

"Woah, Kirby, ça va mon ami [are you alright my friend]?"

"I'm okay Eli, just another jackass who thinks his tiny **** gives him reason to barge past a woman taller than him." Kirby scoffs, staring daggers at the man who just barged past her.

"**** you!" The man yells, his Bronx accent thicker than Sara's.

"**** me yourself, you coward." Kirby snaps back.

"Kirby." Eli gasps, surprised at her friend's sudden snap at a stranger.

"What? Oh yeah right, I have to censor myself now. Well in that case, **** you, **** head."

The man only laughs in return, it's the laugh of a smoker. He stops for a second, doubling over slightly which makes his black t-shirt hug his beer gut more than when he's standing, the rosaries around his neck swinging down the moment he puts his hands on his knees.

"Eddie. Come on, man." Mox murmurs, looking over his shoulder at the other man.

"A'ight, a'ight. I'll stop ******* with them." 'Eddie' chuckles as he follows Mox.

Renee excuses herself and follows her husband and 'Eddie' out of the room, heading to their car.

Gluttony's P.O.V:

Kirby grunts as she heads to her and Sara's shared hire car, picking up her bag and heading to the locker room. Quickly changing into her workout gear (orange leggings and an orange sports bra that looks two sizes too small despite being the right size) before heading out to the gym, accompanied by the other girls as they each start their workout. The interaction from earlier still stuck in her mind as she replays it mentally for the millionth time.

Who was that guy? Mox said his name was 'Eddie'. What was his deal? Probably just another jerkwad trying her patience. When did Tony hire him? Judging off of every website she checked he wasn't signed to AEW. Where did he get such an attitude? Probably from growing up in New York, like Sara, only worse. Why would he even dare to piss off Kirby? He hopefully didn't realise she was standing in his way when he pushed past her. How did he have the balls to do such a thing? He's friends with Moxley, of course he would have the balls to do something like that.

She barely notices the hours pass as she continues her workout, that was until Damian and Tony came to check on her and ask about the incident. She put little thought into the words, giving her 'boss' and her actual boss a general spiel of answers that would calm them and get them to leave her to her workout.

It reached '13:00' before Kirby's stomach made her aware of how hungry the hours of working up both a sweat and an appetite made her, she took five minutes to shower and change into casual clothes (the outfit from earlier) ahead of quickly heading to her hotel room to grab her laptop and wallet and then finding a small café that would allow her to write several emails to her family back home, replying to her kin's worries.

"I... Mox said I should apologise for pissing you off earlier." The Bronx accent from earlier mutters.

"Apology is not required. I'm busy." Kirby grumbles, not looking up from her screen.

"Then..." 'Eddie' stalls for a moment, "... lemme buy you lunch to say sorry and to avoid me gaining an enemy."

"Sure, you can sit with me too, just don't annoy me further, Mister...?"

"Eddie. Kingston. You don't have to bother with any formalities or fancy words."

"Alright then, Eddie, no gimmicks as we're in public, right?"

"I'm Eddie Moore. Friends call me Eddie, Ma calls me Edward and enemies call me Asshole." He smiles softly.

Kirby smiles gently in return as she finally takes in Eddie's features, not too perfect, but not too rough either. A Yankees cap, which Eddie swiftly turns backwards, revealing his buzzed black hair beneath it. Two seemingly perfect eyebrows and green eyes... bright green eyes, rare on anyone, but a noticeable difference from people she's met before. A slightly crooked, but rather cute nose for a wrestler. Then the scruffy beard and thin lips. If looks could kill, he'd be far worse than any Voorhees, Sawyer or Krueger. She shakes the thoughts from her mind as she checks back into the conversation.

"So, what's ya name? I heard ya friend call ya 'Kirby'."

"I'm Kirby Rhydderch, or to the audience, Kirby Lucifarian."

"Rid..." Eddie struggles in an attempt to pronounce her surname before giving up, "where ya from?"

"Llanfaethlu, Anglesey... Wales."

"Oh, you're that Welsh girl that Mox was talking about, the female Andre."

"He calls me that?" She asks, partially inclined to end the conversation there and go talk to Moxley about his words.

"Better female Andre than female Doink, right?" He jokes as he sits opposite her.

Kirby chuckles softly, shaking her head slightly before looking up at Eddie, "Can I get you a coffee or something?"

"Nah, I'm buying, whatever you want."

"Whatever I want, huh, okay then... a cappuccino and a hot chocolate, both large and in to-go cups and a blueberry muffin if there's any left, please."

Eddie leaves for a few minutes, giving Kirby a perfect chance to give him a mental dressing down. He's rugged, no he's rough. He's a tough guy, no shit Sherlock he's a wrestler. He smokes he would fit in back home, as if a guy like him would want to visit Wales let alone the Rhydderch clan. He must be at least in his 30s, no his beard's greying either he's so stressed his beard's gone grey or he's like 50. A guy like him has to be married, according to what Mox has said in the past he doesn't even have a girlfriend or kids. He's kinda hot to be honest, WOW Kirby first we think that actors like Luis Guzmán, John Goodman and Dan Aykroyd are cute and now this dude, plus he's got a Bronx accent, as if our childhood crush on Raphael needed further help coming to light. He then returns with both drinks but no food.

"No luck on the food, sorry."

"Well, beggars can't be choosers or so they say." Kirby shrugs, her mind still mid-argument with itself.

Eddie passes her both drinks before looking at her laptop, almost studying it, "That's a lot of stickers."

"I collect them, I travel a lot because as you know wrestling takes you to a lot of places and I need this for work and private stuff so it comes with me and thus it's gained... personality, for lack of a better explanation."

"Gotcha, it's got a life of it's own, so you add stickers to make it look like it." Eddie nods and smiles softly.

Eli's Vlog P.O.V:

Over at the hotel, Eli, Sara and Honey are playing video games and answering questions on a livestream while recording the livestream to keep as an archive.

"Excellent question, mon ami [my friend], 'Where are the other girls?' from someone who I didn't catch the name of."

"Vi is in her hotel room, talking with her husband. Billie is probably trying to pick up a potential date somewhere. Geia is meeting with two of her step-kids for lunch, I can't remember which ones... and Kirby. Well, Kirby's a ghost in giant form, nobody knows where she is ever, except for Kirby." Honey explains.

"This will probably be in this week's vlog, but Kirby and one of Moxley's friends had quite the first meeting."

"Yeah, the jerk barged past her and Kirby's gonna have to censor herself and the dude for the vlog." Sara scoffs.

Eli nods in agreement before going back to reading the comments as Sara and Honey continue to play Mortal Kombat together.

#eddie kingston fanfiction #eddie kingston x oc #aew fanfiction #aew oc #aew fic #wrestling fic #wrestling oc #D.U.D.E #Daughters Under Darkness Elite #Kirby Gluttony Lucifarian #Kirby Rhydderch #The King Of Hell Damien Lucifarian #Damian Lum #Vi Pride Lucifarian #Viola Nye #Billie Lust Lucifarian #Bienvenida Marino #Geia Greed Lucifarian #Pelageya Winter #Honey Sloth Lucifarian #Honey Di Napoli #Eli Envy Lucifarian #Elinor Herbert #Sara Wrath Lucifarian #Saraid Grady-Sullivan #Eddie Kingston x Kirby Lucifarian #Eddie Moore x Kirby Rhydderch #wrestling fanfiction

[nocompromise-noregrets]

I saw your tag on the post about *not* apologizing for not updating. And I just want to say, please don't ever ever ever apologize for writing - or not - at your own pace. ❤️

Writing fic should only ever be done when it fulfills something for *you*.

I enjoy the hell out of your fic. It's so great when you update! But I'm happy to wait as long as necessary for you to be ready to update. And if you never finish something? That's okay too. I will love what is there, regardless.

And there a LOT more people like me in the world than anyone who thinks they're owed anything from you. ❤️

Thank you so much, anon! This really means a lot. <333333 I'm a bit of a completist, so having stuff unfinished (or taking ages to update) bothers me, but after a huge burst of creativity when I got back into the fandom in 2020 (when I was furloughed so not working two days a week, and working at home the other three days on a very clunky database which took ages to do anything, so I had time to write), it's rather dropped off again thanks to personal circumstances - going back to work more or less full time, working on an updated database that does stuff in a flash when I was still at home (thus giving me much less time to pick up the personal laptop and write), and then back on site, plus doing two third-year-level university courses one after the other has rather done a number on my motivation and mental energy. The only way I've got so much done for Barduil Month is by having two weeks off work in March and spending most of them writing.

I try not to worry about it, but I do feel bad when I leave things un-updated for ages...but once I'm out of the habit of updating it's hard to put up one of the chapters I have in hand, because what if I run out? - but then, if I run out, I also won't be posting, so it doesn't make much difference, but try telling that to my idiot brain.

I dunno, I've just been feeling a bit out of sorts about it recently because someone (who's been a bit pestery for updates in the past) commented on one of my longfics a few months ago with 'are you dead? I'm worried you're dead' without anything else, no 'looking forward to finding out what happens next', no 'I'm really enjoying the story'...not even an 'are you all right?' - when it was pretty obvious if they checked my profile I'm still here and still posting, and I'd told them before I was struggling with this particular story and with having enough time and energy to write. It turned out they hadn't thought to check my profile, or here, and they're a guest user so they hadn't subscribed (can a guest on AO3 subscribe?) but...I don't know, asking someone if they're dead without actually checking if they're all right is pretty insensitive, I feel, especially after the couple of years we've all had. I haven't quite had that conversation with them yet, but I'm kind of working up to it, because it actually really upset me, much as I do try not to get upset about these sorts of things.

Anyway. I accidentally a bit of a rant. Thank you so much for your encouragement, anon! <333333 After Barduil Month is over I'm going to try and keep up the momentum on my WIPs, and maybe try and get at least one of them finished...famous last words...

#my writing #thank you! <3333333

[pebblysand]

[I WOULD LIKE ...]

As you may have seen on Discord, I recently had to go through the #corporatemillenial hell of writing down “goals” for my IRL boss to review and approve. I laboured over the bloody thing for an entire week, proof if needed that there are different types of writing and that I can clearly write 50k of fanfic in three months and still struggle to come up with three lines of actionable professional targets. 🤣Especially knowing that they will inevitably land me the same “meets expectations” at my yearly review that literally everyone else in the #corporate hell I live in gets. Hooray!

This being said, I’m on holidays from IRL work at the moment and I feel like in fanfic and blogging land, the year is coming to a close. It’s funny: ever since I was a child, I’ve always seen the year running through September to August, rather than January to December. Even now - I’ve been out of school for five years, and I still think of it that way. First, I reckon it's the fact that the end of August is usually when I take my only actual, long holiday of the year, and is thus also when I have time to sit down, reflect, breathe, recharge and, most importantly, as someone who is very future-oriented: decide what I want to do next.

I’m also an August baby, so coming up to my birthday on the 26th is actually when another year has officially gone by. Lastly, my friends often affectionately call me a sunflower, meaning I’m boosted by the sun, the heat, long summer days, etc. I’m much more likely to start something/decide on a new project in the summer than in January, where I just want to lay under the covers and sleep until it’s light again. There is a reason why the first chapter of Castles came out at the end of summer 2020, haha. 

So, I’ve decided to learn something from my corporate job and sit down to write… things I would like to see happen, this coming school year. These are not “goals” - I’m not tying myself to any of it and am happy for them to change, but it’s just stuff which I’d like to make happen, if I’m able :).

So, without further ado: here is below a list of five things I'd like to see happen between now and August 2023.

1. I WOULD LIKE... TO FINISH CASTLES

Out of all of these, this feels the scariest, but also the most likely to happen. I’ll edit and publish chapters 14 and 15 in the autumn, then probably take a few weeks off writing in October (I’m going to the US for work, then my mum will come to visit in Dublin for her birthday so time will be scarce).

I would then like to write a new ROAR fic in November/December (basically post by Christmas), though I can’t decide if it’ll be the Hermione one (which I really want to write because one of the plotlines is Very Relevant at the moment and matters to me) or one of the Peaky Blinders stories (Ada’s probably), because I get depressed in the autumn (see above) and PB is my comfort TV series. I'm leaving that open - we shall see, haha.

But then, in 2023, I feel like January to August might be the time during which I bury myself into castles again and write the five chapters I have left. Could this be? Honestly, I'm terrified to finish (what will I do next? 😱) but I'm also so fucking excited. If I could make this happen, I would be the happiest gal in the world!

2. I WOULD LIKE... FOR THE PODCAST (@thefanficwriterscraft) TO CONTINUE, GROW, AND POTENTIALLY BECOME FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT

If you’d told me a year ago that I’d have a podcast about fanfiction going (and going strong), I’d have laughed at you. But, now, seven episodes in, I am loving every minute of it. Every new episode seems to do better than the last in terms of downloads and feedback/engagement, and hearing from you guys about how you found it interesting/helpful is honestly the absolute best thing! It makes all the work that goes into it (planning the episodes, recording, editing, etc.) totally worth it. I would like for the podcast to continue to grow, build an audience, build on its themes and episodes, and generally bring something good and useful in the lives of the thousands of fanfiction readers and writers, out there. In my head, it’s my way to (a) help new and existing writers and readers, and (b) contribute to the legitimisation and de-stigmatisation of fanfiction as an art form, which I’ve always struggled with and am obviously very passionate about. I know we've received feedback to that effect already, and it's honestly made my year so far!

In terms of the future of the podcast, as we’ve said before, we’d like to start interviewing more writers about their work, or a particular theme of interest to them, like we did for episode 6. Some might say it’s a good way to extend our reach with more diverse audiences but honestly, most importantly, it’s just fucking fascinating to hear other people’s perspectives on writing. Personally, I find listening to what other people have to say much more fun than listening to the sound of my own voice, haha. That’s one of the things I’m really hoping to do in the next year but getting people to agree to record/do interviews is obviously rather hard. We’ll get there, though. Hopefully! In the meantime, as I've said before, if there's anyone you'd like us to have on, let me know!

Lastly, regarding the podcast, while I’m not hoping to get rich off of it (lol), I would like for it to support itself. I currently pay $12/month for hosting (but I might change platforms soonish, I'm not sure), and I’d like to find some sort of sponsor for that. Not that I can’t afford it, I 100% can and I’m happy to, but it would be great if this just found a way to balance itself. At the same time, I'm always very awkward about asking people for money, especially since I have a cushy corporate job that pays me a comfortable wage. So, I don't know.

I’ve not really looked into anything or even talked with Lani about it yet, and frankly, I’m not sure if it could even happen, but I’d still like it to be at least not a negative entry, financially. It is rather hard, though, because from what I’ve quickly researched online, you need at least a thousand downloads per episode to monetise through ads (and let me tell you, we are far from that lol). The other sustainable solution is patreon (one-time donations are nice, but monthly is better, you know?) but on top of the asking-people-for-money struggle, Patreon also requires you to provide extra benefits and advantages, in exchange for support. To be honest (see point 5 for more info on this), I am totally at capacity in terms of what I can offer the internet at the moment, and don’t know where on Earth I would find the time to offer something extra. 

So, I don’t know. It’s one of those things I’d like to see happen, but I don’t know how. Honestly, if you’ve any ideas, let me know. Also, if there’s anything else/new you’d like to see us do on the podcast, please tell me, too :). I'm doing this because I enjoy it, but also for you guys 🥰.

3. I WOULD LIKE … TO WRITE MORE FANDOM/WRITING POSTS

I was under the impression that no one read them but these days, I can’t seem to go anywhere without someone mentioning one of my long opinion posts on fandom/writing to me, which I linked here. So, I’ve been thinking: maybe I should write more of these? You guys clearly seem to enjoy them, and I'm pig-headed Gryffindor with Opinions, so it suits all of us 🤣. There’s certain writing advice/fandom stuff that wouldn’t necessarily fit within the podcast if they require visuals for example, and I’m like: why not write them out? Some people contribute to fandom via writing metas, but I’d love to write about: the monetisation of fanfiction and copyright law, the fandom move to discord, fanfiction stats, etc. That’s stuff that’s kind of outside the realm of the podcast, that I’d also be keen on exploring. 

I was already going to do this last year and began with the 15 things I learnt post in January, then the editing one in February, but then the podcast happened, and I also spent so much time writing castles… I think if I’m gonna do it, I’d have to write them during those months I’m taking “off” writing, then schedule them for later. I love writing these and I can see you guys like them as well so I really want to try and make it work, somehow. 

4. I WOULD LIKE... TO READ MORE FIC

I feel legitimately embarrassed by this but I think since January, I’ve probably read less fic than I can count on my fingers. And, it’s not that I don’t like reading fic, to the contrary, but I find it So Hard to find fic to read in the Potter fandom. I used to live in fandoms where you could reasonably refresh AO3 every day and be served with a reasonable number (20/30) new fics, so looking through those and finding a couple you wanted to read was nice and easy. I used to read at least a fic every night.

But in HP, it’s all about tags, genres, ships, etc. and there's thousands of fics published every day. I don’t fucking know how to search. I don't know what I want to read before I read it. I can be convinced of a lot of things, if the writing's good. For example: I’m not interested in the Marauders - should I always exclude all the Sirius/Remus fics? But then, I’m not opposed to the pairing, I just don’t want it to be all about them, and what if I exclude good fics that just happen to have this tag? I also don’t love fluff, but sometimes I like certain fluffy fics, and sometimes fics have that tag amongst others. And, I used to go through people’s bookmarks (either people who’d bookmarked fics I like or fics I wrote) but now everything that’s popping up I’ve already read, or people generally have less varied taste than I do. Like, if you look at my bookmarks, there’s: character pieces, a bit of Romione, a bit of Hinny, a bit of Harmony, a bit of gen, a couple of Dramiones even, etc. But most people are only focused on one thing, which I respect, but it’s not helping my own selfish search, you know? 🤣. I always end up giving up in the end and go back to my books. 

I want to hire someone to go through AO3 for me, find the good fics and send me a weekly digest lol. 

5. I WOULD LIKE... TO FIND A BETTER WORK/LIFE BALANCE

Last but not least, as they say. This is the toughest one because for the life of me, I don’t know what to do about it. What I do know is that I work at my day job 30-40 hours a week (depending on work from home, etc. let’s be honest, I’m not productive all the time), spend around 10 hours a week on this blog/the podcast, and when I’m writing (which, let’s be honest, is most of the time) easily 20 hours a week on that, plus generally any hour I’ve claimed back from my 9-5 to illegally (sue me) write fanfic during my work hours. My last relationship tanked for the sole reason that I didn’t have time to see him + see my friends, and I can’t justify abandoning my friendships, so something had to give. 

And, it’s hard because a lot of the time, when you say (even to people who love fanfic) that you spend so much time on it, they say: “Oh, don’t worry, chill, it’s just fanfic,” which I know comes from a place of love, but also it’s one of the things in my life that makes me happiest and keeps me sane. My 9-5 brings me money, but writing is what makes me happy. And, chatting with you all, and maintaining the podcast, and the blog - that also brings a smile to my face. It’s fun. I want to do it more. And, yes, it’s fanfic, but it’s writing, first and foremost. So, I don’t want to give that up. I can’t afford to give up my day job, and I don’t want to stop seeing those I love. I struggle to find time for everything.

There’s a whole rhetoric amongst millennials at the moment that’s like: your day job can just be about money, it doesn’t have to be your passion, etc. which I totally agree with, but also how realistic is it to have a full-time job, a time-consuming hobby, exercise, a family, a significant-other, friends, and a decent mental health? Like - how? I’m slowly starting to rest, being on hols at the moment, but when I finished my last writing sprint I was absolutely burnt out. And, it’s also hard to face how long it takes you to work on something and finish it, when you’re working on it part-time. I know I could have finished Castles in a year if I hadn’t been employed. Yet, here we still are, two years later (sigh). 

So, I don’t know. Honestly, what I’m hoping is that I can somehow sustain this rhythm on and off until I finish Castles and also have enough money saved (from my previsions, looking at January 2024) to quit and live off my savings for six months to a year. I also think I would feel better quitting once Castles is finished in the way that I wouldn’t just be quitting to write fanfiction which doesn't have any recognised value, both as an art form and as an economic thing, but quitting to write my own stuff. I know I could write original work, and ultimately I want to, it’s just the time that’s lacking, and I find it hard to sustain multiple long projects at once (i.e. castles + original writing). I would like to not be burnt out by the end of next year, but who the fuck knows? If anyone out there has any idea how to make work, please let me know haha.

.

Anyway, these are the “I would likes” for this coming school year. If you feel like doing your own, even in your own head, don’t hesitate to do so! If anything, this was quite exciting and cathartic. Fuck capitalism which prevents me from blogging and writing fanfic all day haha!

Lots of love,

-jo

#pebblysand rants #yearly goals #september is the true start of the year and you don't have me thinking otherwise

[teaveetamer]

Have you seen that one recent Twitter thread about the FE3H AO3 analysis? There are some obvious issues with the representative quality of some of the numbers, but I still thought it was interesting. I haven't seen any Tumblr posts about it (at least not in These Circles™) and I thought that you might be the most appropriate person for something like this, but apologies if this is an annoyance. twitter (.) com/castamyre/status/1552034998643048449

Very interesting, thank you! Not an annoyance at all, though if you told me a year ago that I'd be the one people send statistical analysis to I probably wouldn't have believed you lmao. I'll drop the clickable link here so people dont' have to copy+paste

Some of these numbers are just fluff, like new words/authors since last year, and I would have liked to see a little more in depth comparison (e.g. how many new authors were there from 2019-2020, 2020-2021, and then 2021-2022) because just saying "there's x number of new authors now" doesn't really mean anything for comparison sake... if you leave something like this long enough then yes it's absolutely going to see an increase in word count/number of authors/etc. 1000 new authors sounds impressive but if it's compared to, idk say 6,000 in the first year it's a lot less so. The more interesting info to me is "how many authors is that compared to last year?"

Same deal with kudos. I'd love to see a comparison like "here was the median kudos for fics posted in 2019 vs the median for fics posted in 2021". The average and median here is going to be heavily skewed by early fics which naturally would have gotten much more kudos because there was much more activity. A median kudos stat for each ship would have been cool to see as well, because the kudos environment for different ships is so completely different it's really not fair to compare them. You're never going to post, like, a Dimitri/Balthus fic and get 50 kudos without some outside factors (like having other more visible ships tagged as well or being posted to an event/kink meme/whatever). Or kudos broken down by rating??? A G or T rated fic is not going to pull the same numbers as an E rated fic, that's just fact. As is, median kudos is basically a neat number, but it doesn't really tell me anything.

Also funny how the charts start out with "THE FANDOM IS NOT DYING" but aside from a small spike in February and an uptick in July the graph literally shows only ~20 new fics per... what is that, month? Week? On average. I wish the graph was more finely grained, it's hard to see what's going on when it only marks every third month. Assuming I'm even reading the thing right, because honestly it makes my brain hurt a little to look at it

I probably would have used the date posted instead of the date updated too, or I would have done one chart for each. Date updated naturally favors the latter half of the graph because longfics, multichaptereds, etc. could have been posted early but not finished or updated until months or even years later. It might also catch fics with only minor updates (since I believe AO3 does mark them with a new update date, even if it doesn't move it to the top of the archive). Date posted would be much more descriptive of when new fics are actually being added to the archive.

I'd say the rest of this data isn't really that surprising. I do honestly doubt that Shez is going to be moving up into the upper eschelons of characters written about though, considering Three Hopes is a spinoff and at least from what I've seen the fan reception has not been all that great. Maybe it's better in the more transformative minded fandom, buuuuuut IDK.

Also yay, Dimidue isn't in the top 30 least horny ships! And LMAO at Catherine, Shamir, and Rhea being the top three gayest ladies. And Dedue sliding into second for gayest dudes.

Obviously it doesn't really mean much (I mean, of course Catherine is the gayest chick when her only two ships of note are with Shamir and Rhea, and of course Ferdie is the gayest dude when his biggest ship is with Hubert and that ship makes up like 90% of Ferdie ship content) but it is hilarious.

[terashards]

Wanted to show off some (non-switch game) Shinies i've gotten over the last couple of years. all of these are full odds in their respective games. If you told me five years ago I'd have all these Shinies at 1/8192 odds I would never have believed you

Hunts explained a bit under the cut:

Slugma (Emerald) - Completely random when doing a casual playthrough Shinx (Soulsilver) - Found during safari week. Failed Graveler (Gold VC) - Random again! Had to Master Ball it because it knew Self-Destruct Poipole (Ultra Sun) - Soft resets. Currently redoing this one since i traded it up to HOME. Also have a Kartana & Blacephalon but I've no idea where those image are (the latter I've since reclaimed) Cyndaquil (Gold VC) - Honestly I just wanted those purple flames because this is the only gen where this line has them Chimchar (Platinum) - Soft resets Chingling (Platinum) - Was Magnet Pulling for Bronzor Machop (Platinum) - Magnet Pulling for Bronzer... again Manectric (Soulsilver) - My Safari Week target. Also failed Beedrill (Heartgold) - Completely random during the Bug Catching Contest. This was also during my Monotype Bug Playthrough, so I could actually use this one on my team! This was an incredibly low 5% encounter made rarer due to being in a Park Ball Suicune (Soulsilver) - Soft resets. Caught in a Moon Ball, too!

The following are from my Black Badge Quest, which was begun in 2020 and completed this year, in 2023 (500+ hours babey!): Tepig - Soft resets Woobat - Was aiming for Roggenrola Cottonee - Was aiming for Venipede Yamask - Was aiming for Sandile Foongus - Was aiming for Deerling Boldore - Was aiming for Tynamo. Shoutout to me for getting the 5% Boldore in a cave filled with Magnet Pull-able Steel Types and Static-able Electric Types. Technically makes this a rather rare Boldore Vanillish - Was aiming for Sawsbuck (denied a second time, ha!) Pawniard - Behold! The one (1) non-soft reset hunt that I actually got my target for. Used a Repel Trick + Magnet Pull to make Pawniard about 97%

I've also got a Dwebble & Darumaka from an old savefile traded to my Badge Quest file. Alongside stuff in Sword & Legends Arceus (most of which are not Full Odds and/or were Masuda Method'ed when breeding for VGC ready Pokémon)

Not to forget that got PokéRus like three separate times during the same year, which is cool!

#shiny hunting #shiny pokemon #the Foongus did eventually get nicknamed btw (I just had nothing in mind when i caught it) #and yes I know I spelled neapolitan incorrectly. I did fix that later #in my defence I encountered that shiny as I was in bed exhausted lmao #ha! you can literally tell when I got a better phone because the photo quality shoots up from Boldore onward #long post #tera talk

[beomslonghair]

Mentions of POSSIBLE EATING DISORDER , SELF HARM , ATTEMPTED SUICIDE, SA, DRUG AND ALCOHOL ABUSE.

If any of these may trigger you, please continue to scroll.

I just want to take a moment to say my struggles and hardships do not define me.

Yes I do come from a borderline abusive household and yes both my parents are horrible rolemodels who spent my childhood neglecting me to get drunk and high every night.

Maybe it was they're neglect that made my self esteem so poor or maybe, I'm just fucked in the head.

I stopped eating in 2019, starved myself for months because my mum had called me a fat slut for liking a boy..

not even three weeks ago, I was reminded of this comment when told to step on the scales at the hospital and I cried and then proceeded to vomit from the sheer overwhelming feelings of knowing I've gained weight. This is not a healthy response.

In 2020, I was sexually assaulted at my uncle's funeral.

My friends and my family asked me why I let him. I, a 13 year old girl ALLOWED a man in his late 50s to permanently alter my life in the worst way possible.. as if it was something I wanted to happen.. I was told that my assault wasn't as bad as other people's.. stripping my trauma from me.

When I was 15, I tried to take my own life, my friends and family weren't able to notice the warning signs.. and thankfully, the attempt did not work but sometimes, I wonder what it would be like if it did? How would my friends and family react? Would they grieve? Would they even care? Or would I be a simple or pity?

Now, at 17.. I write about my experiences, about the things I promised I'd keep til the grave in a hope that allowing people to know may help me feel less trapped .

This is not another cry for help, it's a simple of support.. whatever you're going through, I am always going to be here for you, whether we're friends or not, whether we've never spoken to one another or have shared our deepest darkest feelings. I am here for you.

#sa awareness #ed awareness #sh awareness #beomslonghair #strength #depressing shit #idk man i just needed to let the world know about whats been on my mind lately #re: i hate myself

[oviids]

pls share some of your spn fic recs 🥺🥺

ok, a few things first:

followers and mutuals who do not have supernatural brainworms, kindly avert your eyes

i don’t normally rec or even read much fanfic any more but this is a CRISIS ok (cont.)

there is so. much. content for deancas out there and i have incredibly high standards, several ancient ao3 bookmarks, can speedread, and want to spare you guys the experience of wading through it all.

i also have a section for spn femslash since I was pretty into that back in the day (sadly a lot less fan content for this :/)

I don’t really like au’s or pure smut (I honestly usually just skim or skip those scenes) so if you’re mainly looking for that kind of thing this probably won’t be very helpful to you. jsyk.

i’m not great at describing stuff but i’ll do my best, i’ll also try and add tw’s when neccesary.

i wil try and keep updating this with any other decent fics i find, feel free to rec stuff too since i’m like 7 years behind.(edit 1/25/21) this is getting looooong so i’m going to start making another list on my spn blog rather than update this one

(edit 1/3/21) since this has gotten pretty long i’ve added rating/approximate word counts and marked my particular favorites with an asterisk.

Dean/Cas fic:

So Says The Sword*** - explicit/85k. FUCK its good...au/time travel where dean is not pulled out of hell by cas and says yes to becoming the michael sword. honestly could serve as an alternative to actually watching the show, if you want to get into dean/cas without actually doing that to yourself.

Fata morgana.*  - teen/6k, pst s9 finale. very bela centric and i love it, she finds cas looking for dean in hell.

Redemption Road -misc/600+k. an incredibly long fic from a collaborative writing group back in the day. canon divergent from the end of s6 on, has a cool take on godstiel and the leviathans, as well as the lovecratian mythos connection. ngl when i reread it i only made it about 28% in but imo the casual reader can actually stop around there, the rest concerns a lovecraftian apocalypse that is still good (i think i don’t remember it very well) but not required to enjoy the first half. if you prefer i have an ebook version i can send you on gdrive.

Someone Who's Feeling For Me* - mature/45k, s12. they run into lisa braeden and dean thinks cas is into her while cas thinks dean still likes her. treats lisa way better than the show ever did and the miscommunication is pretty funny rather than annoying.

a turn of the earth - mature/95k. time travel fic where cas from s10 keeps showing up in deans life from a few years before s1 to right before the hellhounds take his soul.  slow burn, good character study, and at one point cas punches the dad in the face and it rules.

On the Wings of War - teen/85k, canon divergent s5. dean accidentally becomes the Horseman of War. plays fun, fast and loose with biblical lore, michael has some rights.

Named - mature/95k, alternate s5. EXTREMELY blasphemous in a fun sexy way. manages to predict metatron almost to a T. there’s one major character death and its literally jesus christ, everyone is very sad about it and it sets the rest of the story rolling. an alternate interpretation of cas’ mission to raise dean from hell which had me on the floor. ngl its kind of misogynistic at points, but its from 2010 and tracks with late oughts-2010 spn (sorry anna the author did you dirty here:/).

The Girlfriend Experience - explicit/15k. uhhh i don’t normally rec or even read smutty stuff unless someone i know is specifically asking for it but this has stuff like sam trying to be a good ally and dean thinking holding hands with cas is ‘kinda gay :/’ minutes after having gay sex with him.

i crippled your heart a hundred times - explicit/19k, s8. cas confesses his feelings and dean spends a long time getting his head out of his ass about it. truly hits different after the actual confession, despite being written six years early it feels like its actually what could have gone down more or less if the writers weren’t talentless demons who hate us.

My Roots Take Flight** - mature/125k. reverse au where cas is a hunter and dean’s an angel...OR IS IT???? an alternate retelling of s4. tw for briefly being set in a psychiatric hospital/the hospital being mentioned somewhat frequently throughout the fic, plus more references to torture in hell and heaven than usual.

The One Thing You Can't Lose* - teen/4k.you know those posts about how cas is a super-strong super-tough ancient warrior but he just lets dean tug him around because he likes it? thats it thats the fic.

Hands, From Which All Things Are Built - teen/14k, post s8′s ‘goodbye stranger.’ cas is on the run with the angel tablet but keeps in touch with sam and dean by text, he and dean still manage to be terrible at Actual communication.

Autrement, Danger - or, The Account of an Exceedingly Long Day - mature/30k, post s11. a monster that takes the appearance of your soulmate leads to some wild miscommunications and dealing with years of repression, also dean gets to see cas’ true form which is always cool. tw for non-graphic mentions of underage sexual assault/sex work.

Down to Agincourt - mature/explicit/900++++k, endverse continuation. endverse!cas survives his encounter with lucifer and discovers another time-displaced dean from s7. i’ve only read the two of four parts but its really good, veeeeery slow burn, has a lot of fun oc’s and takes a rather surprising but (imo) entertaining and intriguing turn into Hellenic history and mythology. usual tw’s for endverse/endverse!cas but nothing graphic, it’s actually pretty light-hearted (relatively speaking of course).

Nothing Equals the Splendor** - explicit/8k, THEE finale fix it fic you’ve been waiting for! posits that the entire final episode was just a (very bad and lame) djinn’s vision.

like moses and batman and james dean - explicit/31k, post s8. explores dean’s trauma and internalized homophoba from his technically canon experience with sex work and its impact on his relationship with cas. the sex work itself isn’t really shown in any detail but it’s still a relatively heavy fic.

Crazy Diamonds - explicit/25k, s4/alternate s14. fresh-out-of-hell dean and dean from 10 years in the future are displaced from time and sent to each other’s present.

where the weeds take root - explicit/30k. au where the men of letters kick them out of the bunker and they accidentally move out into the country, get over their codependence and semi retire. featuring chicken coop building, sam volunteering at a dog shelter, gardening, and blissfully mundane domesticity.

No Resting Place - teen/6k. djinn dream fic, switches back and forth between cas’ dream of being married to dean and retired from hunting to the aftermath when he wakes up. tw for brief mention of suicide since, y’know, djinn dream.

any port in a storm - mature/52k. post s8 finale. cas and dean have to pose as a couple going through a rough patch for a case and actually deal with their emotional baggage, cas struggles with being human and metatron is up to stuff.

all this and heaven too* - explicit/7k. in the author’s own words ‘...a love letter to every trans person who ever projected onto Dean Winchester.’ absolutely unzipped me emotionally and theologically, its just. so good. tw for very brief mentions of internalized transphobia/dysphoria.

Because it is* - mature/6k, finale fix it. killing chuck does not bring back anyone back and the winchesters spend a very long time dealing with what they’ve lost, cas and dean SOMEHOW still manage to have signifigant communication issues even after the confession. tw for suicidal thoughts/brief attempt.

Vena Amoris and Other Old-Fashioned Bullshit* - teen/4k, s6. when cas fell for dean it automatically soulbonded/angel married them, shenanigans ensue when dean finds out during the angel’s civil war. funny and actually written back when s6 was airing so cas is still (or at least pretending to be) kind of an OP asshole which is fun.

Rinse, Repeat - teen/3k, s8. angsty character study of cas as he’s reprogrammed and trained to kill dean. not really dean/cas since its just cas’ pov of canon events but its beautifully written and ends with him snapping out of it through the power of love (also now a canon event!).

Emergence - explicit/59k, canon divergent after s11. dean meets a hunter he only recognizes as their friend claire novak’s missing father, but soon realizes he might be the answer behind the mysterious void in his memories and feelings (aka everyone’s memories of cas are completely wiped away for three years).

Cuckoo And Nest - explicit/10k, early established relationship/character study, cas tries to figure out how he fits into dean’s life and space in the bunker.

Build a Home* - teen/20k, canon divergent s12. sam and eileen are cute and turn the bunker into men of letters/hunters hq and everyone but cas moves in, mutual miscommunication issues and pining ensues.

Down in the River - teen/5k, early s8, cas prays to dean in purgatory while sam and dean try to figure out a way to get him out.

Teaching Poetry to Fish* - mature/52k, ?? BC through the entire series/canon divergent s14 and 15. retelling of crucial scenes throughout the shows timeline from cas’ pov, feat. actual fish and poetry.

the minor fall, the major lift - gen/4k, post confession/finale fixit. dean goes into the empty to save cas and runs into several old friends (and enemies).

With the Kisses of His Mouth* - teen/3k, gen later seasons. dean and cas keep kissing by accident.

Remaining Grace - explicit/109k, alternate s6. au where cas asks dean for help with raphael and dean, of course, does. tw for temporary major character death/semi-graphic depictions of alcohol withdrawal.

The face of heaven.* - teen/10k, au, dean is a regular guy and cas is a fallen star (think ‘stardust’, kinda).

Stories Are Made of Mistakes*  - teen/5k. newly human cas has trouble getting used to a human body and humanity in general, but still figures out that he and dean are A Thing before dean does.

Hurry Up And Wait - mature/21k, canon divergent s12. a fairyland and quite possibly LOTR related case comes up and dean goes full fanboy, mary is introduced to the wonders of the peter jackson adaptions, many references and comparisons (including between cas and dean’s ‘friendship’ and arwen/aragon). also charle is still alive and has just been doing fairy stuff this whole time.

There Are Many Things - explicit/28k, s9. cas is extremely lonely/touch-starved and trying to figure out this whole human thing, as well as where he and dean stand after being kicked out of the bunker.

It's A Long Life to Always Be Longing - teen/40k, post s11 finale. amara helps dean by putting him in a magical coma so he can finally get some much needed rest and show him possible futures for him, sam and cas. meanwhile sam and cas go on a roadtrip (or several) to find componets for a spell to wake dean up. really good sam and cas friendship, they actually talk about their shared lucifer trauma and stuff.

Non-Photo Blue - gen/2k, s4/5/alternate s5. fifty moments from cas’ memories of dean.

Tall Grass - explicit/57k, canon divergent post series. cas becomes the ultimate plant dad. feat the wayward sisters gang, cathartic character growth, fun oc’s, domesticity, and lots of actual botanical info-dumping.

on vessels - no rating/gen/2k. established dean/cas, cas tells dean about how he used to imagine what it would be like to have him as his vessel.

search for tomorrow on every shore* - teen/11k, post-finale (extremely derogatory). some angels in jack’s new heaven act out and dean gets temporarily resurrected in 2003 and runs into his younger self.

Architecture of the Minotaur’s Heart - explicit/45k, very canon divergent post s1. dean’s new house seems to have a life and mind of its own, while in his dreams he sees glimpses of a world and apocalypse that never came to be and an angel that looks strangely like his mysterious neighbor, cas. loosely inspired by the book house of leaves (which i highly recommend for fans of weird horror).

The Distance Of The Setting Sun - explicit/17k, post s5. established dean/cas relationship, team free will finally takes advantage of cas’ abilities to go on vacation around the world.

diamond star halo - teen/5k, s11. dean lets cas use him as a temporary vessel while he recovers from rowena’s spell, sam is a long-suffering third-wheel.

Make Known** - teen/16k, s6/7. dean struggles to understand how cas could have become his enemy and whether he ever truly knew him in the first place.

blunt little instrument* - mature/1.4k, post finale. dean finally confronts his father in heaven, very cathartic.

my heart a compass*** - teen/10k, post confession. the empty forces cas to re-experience his most regretted moments while dean tries to snap him out of it and bring him home.

A Crash Course in Someone Else's History - teen/11k, s6. cas from the very start of s4 is brought forward in time by s6!cas to distract the brothers from his and crowley’s plans.

The Cuckoo Father - mature/8k, s7 au. the woman who found cas in the river post-leviathans does not marry him bc he was sent to her by god or whatever, but actually identifies him as jimmy novak and sends him back to claire and amelia.

The Dead Dean Clause* - teen/5k, post alt s5 ending. team free will celebrates surviving taking down lucifer by getting blitzed, cas lies to a cop and gets an impromptu driving lesson. title/description sound dark i know but it’s actually very funny and light.

Suck It, Judy Garland - mature/20k, s12 (after the ‘i love you...i love all of you’ episode). cas and sam have to pretend to be a couple for a case and dean is NOT happy about it.

By Daylight and In Dream - teen/16k, s5. pre-dean/cas, dean invites cas to use his dreams to hide from the other angels. tw for very brief mention of a memory/dream of alastair sexually assaulting dean.

The Five People You Meet in Heaven - mature/22k, post-canon. an actually happy (if sometimes bittersweet) heaven endgame written several years ago, though some details are rather eerily similar to the show’s ending.

heaven is a place on earth* - teen/2k. dean’s pov of some of the times cas left him behind throughout the show, and one alternate ending where he finally gets to stay.

I Cleanse The Mirror - teen/20k, alternate s6. dean’s body is stolen by an ancient elemental and his soul has to hitch a ride in cas’ vessel.

an exploration of gender; angelic*** - mature/4k. *oscar isaac voice* lets get into angel gender politics!! aka cas is trans.

Zenith - explicit/33k, s9. after 9x06 an angry witch curses cas with the ability to see supernatural beings and human souls.

La cucina. - gen/3k, alt s9. dean goes wild helping a newly-human cas find out what kinds of food he likes, or the early s9 domesticity we deserved!

Dean Winchester, Cocksucker at Rest***** - teen/7k, post-finale. john and mary finally come over for dinner and john reacts to dean/cas in a rather predictable fashion. SOOOOOOOOO good omg, its so funny and a little sad and very very cathartic. part of a series that has a few other really good short fics.

The Way You Didn't Go - teen/5k, s15. coda to 15.09, dean has nightmares about the moc!cas timeline.

On Drowning - teen/28k. dean saves cas after he nearly drowns, they both try and deal with the physical/mental fallout (aka the fic where thee iconic “you only touch me when you think I’m dead or dying” originates). tw for realistic depictions of drowning/triage/misc medical information.

The Thirty-Six Questions That Lead to Love* - mature/13k. claire has dean and cas pretend to be her gay dads for a case and they play the titular 36 question game, get mistaken for swingers, and birdwatch, among other things.

Assorted F/F stuff:

Deep Breaths* - mary/ellen, au where mary said no to azazel’s deal and let john stay dead, still becomes a milf.

Like Rebel Diamonds - krissy/claire, they become hunter gf’s on the hunt for cas to kick his ass for taking jimmy. not-so-stealth dean/cas as well.

To Ash and Bone - anna/ruby, same author as the previous fic (p much all of her stuff is good from what i recall). au where ruby is a witch and helps anna when she’s cursed.

Holy Clockwork Angels - jo/ruby, STEAMPUNK au with very cool worldbuiilding.

At Day's End - jo/anna (my fucking KINGDOM for more jo/anna content, the dean/cas parallels are allllll there), au where they are both at the camp in the endverse and gfs.

these posts - ok so not actually a fic but i’m now obsessed with this hannah/meg dynamic.

Tagelied - mary/ellen, the true story of how ellen got into hunting before angels interfered.

Hell's Bells** - meg/abaddon, alternate s8/9 where meg survives crowley’s attack with sam’s help and teams up with abaddon (who she has a sk year old crush on) to take back hell.

The Ecstasy of the Rose - anna/ruby, anna travels back in time to escape heaven and becomes a signifigant part of ruby’s old human life.

Angel Underground - anna/jo, kind of an urban fantasy au with a very intriguing premise (sadly its very short, i’d love to see more if this ‘verse).

Clover, Flame - billie/mary, billie was always the reaper that showed up to take mary after her death(s) over the years.

Drag Me To Heaven - anna/ruby, a variant on the ‘last night on earth’ thing with dean.

Come Home* - jo/anna, canon-divergent au where anna is the new waitress at the roadhouse and helps jo set up a (probably not really) haunted house for halloween.

#if you told me i'd be doing this in 2020 three weeks ago i'd have laughed in your face :/ #deancas #supernatural #fic recs #spn femslash #destiel #fic #the alie tag #spn posting

[theoriginalladya]

Is 2022 over yet?

Almost three weeks ago, my father entered the hospital with what they thought was pneumonia. Turns out, that isn't what it was. We're still not sure WHAT it is, exactly, but he's been slowly deteriorating. He's been in ICU and on a ventilator for two and a half weeks. Today, we all had a conversation with his attending physician. They haven't given up hope yet, and they are actually checking into something for us, but as it stands right now, next week we will likely have to make a very tough decision.

My dad used to teach law. He retired a few years ago. Told me he was going to live to 100 with his girlfriend and they were going to do some travelling. He was gathering together all the photos he's taken over the last 50+ years and making digital copies for me and my two brothers. When I was younger, he was my softball coach (god how I hated that, but without him we wouldn't have had a team). When I finally had enough of my boss at the end of last year, he was the one I called to talk over whether or not I should leave and what steps I should take. We are very much alike - in looks, to some point in personalities - and we are both stubborn as hell. We clashed. We laughed. We cried.

Next week, I am likely going to lose my dad. Five years ago, give or take a week or two, I lost my mom. My brothers and I aren't close - we never have been, and we live thousands of miles apart in two different countries.

My dad was going to live to 100. He isn't even going to make 80. Losing mom was difficult because we were finally getting close when she got sick. Losing dad is going to be worse in some ways, I think. I'm going to be alone - my worst nightmare come true. I have my son, and I do have my Ex (he's been very supportive through this, thank goodness).

In September 2020 when I got COVID, I remember being annoyed by him texting me everyday. Can you breathe okay? How are you feeling? Do you need to go to the doctor or the hospital? Do you have a fever?

I'm just rambling at this point, I guess. Trying to find a way through this. Thank GOD for internet friends! Or, as @shadoedseptmbr has taught me to call them, 'pocket friends'. I don't know what I'd do without you all right now! Knowing you're out there, even if it's just in passing - liking posts, reading stories, ooohing and ahhhing over arts - whatever the reason, you guys make me smile and I need that right now. At the moment, I'm as okay as I can be. I'm trying to lose myself in characters and story ideas and fantasy worlds so that I can cope with everything. Not a perfect solution, but a solution that works at the moment.

Dad isn't gone yet - I know that - and until he is, I'm going to hope, no matter how little chance there might be, that something turns it around, that he gets his miracle. And if not? Well, I can be content that he and mom will be together again. They were married for 53 years, together for 56 before cancer took her. He was devastated by her loss. So, there is some happiness to be found in all of this, I suppose. If you look at things a certain way.

#ladya rambles #personal ramblings #tw: talk of death #tw: talk of illness #tw: medical talk #personal loss

[asiancatboy]

get to know me meme

tagged by @retla & @zaatanna. u are angels thank u <333

tagging @pendraegon @metrosexually @pando @xiaoguiwang @badbaguette @voiucris @cithaerons @the-descolada @mourningtide @6iirls but no pressure!!

what colour are your eyes? brown

what little thing instantly tells you that a person is good? when people go out of their way to put the hook over the 'a' in my name bc it's not in any standard keyboard so i know they've installed it or copied it specifically to use. it's so sweet wtf

do you have a recurring dream? i don't really dream besides the occasional nightmare. those usually involve old classmates or teeth

what is the most interesting class you have taken? classical civilisation was the most interesting in terms of what we were learning, but i had the most boring & uninteresting teacher. religion, philosophy & ethics was the opposite - the most boring syllabus imaginable, but the teacher & class were genuinely engaging

how often do you find yourself daydreaming? often. always

name/nickname: pet names aside, i don't really go by nicknames. al calls me driftie

zodiac: tiger, taurus

height: 5'2''

languages: english is the only language i can comfortably say i'm fluent in. i've lost a lot of ability with vietnamese, hakka (hong kong dialect) & cantonese. i'm on/off learning mandarin

nationality: bri'ish

favourite season: winter

favourite colour: it cycles between deep reds, deep purples & mustard yellows

favourite animals: shiba inus! tigers! i also love bats, snakes & any kind of cat (especially big cats)

favourite fictional character: i don’t have one. (it's k/da seraphine or kai'sa)

tea, coffee or hot chocolate: coffee

average hours of sleep: no <3

cat or dog person: cat person

number of blankets slept with: 3 - duvet, throw & weighted blanket, depending on how hot it is

places ancestors are from: south vietnam & china (we're hakka)

dream trip: wherever my friends are. i also want to explore the unmapped parts of the catacombs but i've been told no. multiple times. aggressively :////

blog established: i remade this blog a couple of weeks ago but i've been on tumblr for 10 years or so now. help

random fact about yourself: my fastest rubiks cube time is sub 25. it's been so long since i've practiced i don't think i can get back there :(

three ships: i've forgotten every single ship ngl

last song: the garden by ramsey

last movie: your name engraved herein (2020, dir. kuang-hui liu) for the millionth time

currently reading: i can't read <3

currently watching: i'm rewatching alice in borderland & getting to ep3 i am SICK

currently craving: i want that 5p bubblegum they used to sell in corner shops not for the bubblegum but for the temporary tattoos they put in it. i'd cover my whole body in those ugh

#tag game #7

[whosaskingwrites]

The Sound Of Love (Tsukishima x Reader)

A/N: Um I don't like this one as much as the others but I did my best. It honestly took forever cause I didn't want to write it and I had no idea what song to use but I eventually decided so here we are.

WARNINGS: angst

Date: Saturday November 7th, 2020

Details: 5.3 pages 2,000 words

Theme: Musicalia- The victim will hear a song constantly playing in their head until it drives them insane. The person of affection will only hear the music when they are around the victim.

Angst Masterlist

Clair De Lune

A simple, beautiful piano melody that had been repeating in my head for weeks. There was never a reprieve from the beautifully haunting melody. My mind followed the sound like a moth to a flame and deteriorated the closer it got to the music.

No amount of holding my hands over my ears stopped it. It had become a part of me like the backround music in a video game or movie. However this wasn't a video game or a movie this was real. Every day was the same never a rest I couldn't even sleep some nights.

This was my last week at Karasuno before I was put in the hospital. My mind was too far gone to stay out I couldn't really hear anything anymore to distracted by the music and of course I hummed it on occasion. Everyone in my classes knew I had it...Musicalia but they didn't know who caused it.

Monday

I walked to class with a sigh Yamaguchi was following and as we walked I heard a gentle piano melody that got louder. I spotted a familiar H/c haired girl fast walking past me like she'd done since I pushed her away. Yamaguchi followed my eyesight and the music faded the further away she got "you should apologize you know. This week is her last at Karasuno," I blinked 'her last week?' I thought "Shut up Yamaguchi," I said keeping my emotions off my face "Sorry Tsukki," I continued watching the S/c skinned female rush off down the hall.

Tuesday

I was walking up to the roof ready to reject another girl. Why they felt the need to confess to me of all people id never understand. As I rounded the corner someone ran into me and with a short shriek they fell. I was about to say something when I noticed who it was...Y/n she looked paler than I remembered and eye bags were prevalent on her face. I heard the piano again it was louder than ever.

"Do you need to listen to music that loud?" I asked though it was harsher than intended. Her eyes widened and I held back a frown as I saw she was afraid. "S-sorry," she stood up quickly and ran off down the hall the music fading the further she got and I watched 'why was she afraid of me?' My eyes caught something on the floor which I turned to. Picking it up I realized it was a simple gold bracelet with a dinosaur charm on it.

"This is...," It was the bracelet id given her three years ago on her birthday. It was still in perfect condition looking like it did on the day I'd given it to her and it caused a small smile to pull at my lips as I pocketed the familiar bracelet.

Wednesday

Everytime I spotted the e/c eyed female in the hallway and approached her she would turn and run the music following her. Nobody ever seemed bothered by the piano it was almost like they didn't hear it and Y/n was never wearing headphones when it was playing. "Does she ever stop listening to that song?" I mumbled to myself as she ran away yet again.

"What song?" Yamaguchi asked next to me I furrowed my eyebrows as I looked at him. "What do you mean what song? That damn piano music she's always listening to it's annoying," I said and Yamaguchi’s eyes widened "Tsukki...She's not listening to any music...," He stated.

I blinked as I processed what that meant "No ive heard it-," Yamaguchi cut me off before I could continue he had a sad look in his eyes and as he spoke I realized why. "She's got Musicalia Tsukki...," He whispered as he looked at me. "She...She what?" I asked. "She's got Musicalia and if you can hear it that means...," my own eyes widened as I realized what he was implying. "Oh...,"

Thursday

Cornering someone who was avoiding you was much more difficult than you'd think. Everytime I ended up even in the same room as her she ran before I could even get near her. "Yamaguchi," I stated causing him to jump. "Yeah?" He nervously asked. "Can you convince Y/n to meet you on the roof?" I asked. He didn't ask any questions he just nodded mumbling a quiet yeah as the teacher walked in the room.

I stood on the roof looking out towards the gym. I heard footsteps come around the corner and stop before they slowly started backing away. "Can you stop running? I need to talk to you," I said. The footsteps stopped and I turned around. Y/n stood a few feet away nervously shuffling on her feet.

"When were you gonna tell me?" I asked and she sighed "Preferably never," She answered and I furrowed my eyebrows. "Never? This could kill you!" I took a step toward her while she took one back "So what?" She spit bitterly rasing her head up to glare. "So what? So everything!" I shouted.

"So everything? You dont even fucking like me! You made that pretty clear last year!" She yelled back. She was referencing an argument that I barely remembered and that she hadn't forgotten. "Do you even know what its like to have your heart crushed in seconds!?" She screamed. "You still should have told me you have Musicalia!" I glared back. 

She just gave me a bitter smile "I suppose my dear this was how it was meant to be," she stretched her arms out as she spoke and tears dripped down her face at a slow pace. "You dying isn't how it's supposed to be!" She only shook her head in response. I stuck my hand in my pocket and pulled out the bracelet. "Here...just take this back," I said holding it out. She walked forward and I heard that gentle and haunting music get louder.

She stopped closing my hand around the bracelet and leaning up to press a kiss against my cheek. "Keep it I won't have a use for it much longer," she mumbled before turning and walking off. "Y/n!" She stopped but didn't turn around and I continued speaking. "I love you," she sighed and turned her head. The sunset cast her in an ethereal glow and sparkled off the remaining tears on her face.

She gave a sad, watery smile in response. "No you don't Tsukki. If you did...You would have come back to me a lot sooner," she turned and left I knew she was right but god it hurt to hear her say that. My hand was still tightly closed around the bracelet the metal uncomfortably warm against my skin as she walked away from me.

Friday

She avoided me even more. I never saw her but I heard the music following around on occasion. After yesterday I had looked for the melody finally hearing it long enough to search for it. The results had told me the song was Clair De Lune I should have known. It was Y/n's favorite song though I doubted she liked it now.

I had tried to find her when I heard the music but even if I followed it I never found her. I was walking toward my locker keeping an ear out for that melody. As I opened the locker a f/c envelope fell out as I picked it up I noticed it was sealed with a gold wax stamp. Flipping it over my name was written on the front in flowing cursive. I put it away in my bag before heading to practice.

I flipped the envelope around in my hand staring at it before sighing. I pulled open the envelope and slipped the contents out. The first was a photo of me, Y/n, and Yamaguchi we were standing in the park in the photo. Y/n and Yamaguchi had their arms over eachothers shoulders while I stood in the background glaring towards the camera.

The other thing was a letter that I was hesitant to flip open. I knew the letter was from Y/n but I for the first time felt afraid on what she had to say. Sighing I opened the letter ready to read it.

Dear Kei,

It's been awhile hasn't it? Though That's what happens after fights. You give each other time to calm down and then you come back. Only this time...There is no coming back. You already know I have Musicalia and I'm sure you know I love you. It's weird to write that to someone you know doesn't love you.

Don't lie either. You don't love me the way I love you. You may think you do but if you had we would have been friends again by now. But you were perfectly content with not having me in your life so I know you'll be fine when I'm actually gone.

That's the issue isn't it? I'll be gone soon really, truly...gone. I'm not afraid knowing my death is approaching im...content and at peace with it. My death won't be glorious. I'm not going out with a bang. Or any final inspirational words. I'll go quietly in my sleep hopefully. Sleep however is hard when there's music constantly playing on loop in your head.

When I'm gone Kei...Will you visit me? Tell me about your day or the volleyball team! Yamaguchi told me about the team you should go easier on them. You should also learn from them you know? Anyways if you ever can't make it to me...Play Clair De Lune and I'll go to you! I'll listen to you talk at your place instead of you coming to mine!

I'm sure you know by now that this is my goodbye letter. Don't act so suprised of course I want to say goodbye to you. You're important to me you should know that. I've written this for awhile but I wanted it to be a good final goodbye since its immortalized forever in a letter. If you share this with anyone I'll kill you by the way. Even in death I still have a reputation. Anyway...

Goodbye Kei

I love you

—Y/n L/n

A month had passed since she said goodbye I moved forward even though it hurt to not see her around school. It almost felt like she moved but that imagine was ruined whenever I visited her grave. "Hey Tsukki I didn't know you liked dinosaurs!" I sighed in irritation my eyes flicking towards Kuroo who was pointing at my wrist.

"Wow that's cool!" Bokuto joined in and my eyes drifted to the golden bracelet around my wrist. "It's not mine," I stated drinking my water. "Whos is it?" Akaashi asked and I sighed again. "My friend Y/n’s...She's gone now and I'd rather not talk about it," I said standing up and heading back to the net. None of them said anything more about it and I was grateful for that.

Later that night I closed my eyes and played the song that I had grown very familiar with. It was quiet except for the soft melody playing through my headphones. While my eyes were closed I felt the familiar pressure on my body like someone was laying on my chest. If I listened through my headphones close enough I could almost hear her soft voice humming the song. 

I knew in my brain it was impossible but for now I let my heart believe that it was her. I talked quietly about anything and everything that came to mind. The team was sleeping so I knew I could talk freely most of them slept like they were in a coma. I sighed as I reached the end of my story before I spoke once more.

"I miss you Y/n,"

————————————————————————

TAGLIST: @wonhomarshmallow

#haikyu #haikyu x reader #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu!! #whosaskingangst #tsukishima x reader #tsukishima kei #haikyuu tsukishima #tsukishima angst

[whats-the-story-tc]

13th-15th of May, 2020

"The One Where the Mask Drops"

[INCREDIBLY LONG SORRY]

Hey, I'm not dead! And to show you how incredibly not dead I am, let me tell you a story.

It's around 2 AM that Wednesday, I'm going to sleep. God knows I'm incredibly exhausted, but there's one last thing I needed to write into my diary. One last thing I couldn't go to sleep without.

"please be good to me today"

I went to sleep hoping that finally, after two weeks of feeling like shit when I thought about us, the tide would turn.

That morning, it rained. I immediately remembered a rainy Wednesday morning just like this two months ago, when the rain brought V back to me. I got very excited. Things were going to change for the better again, I felt it. Suddenly, I couldn't wait for class.

8:30 AM that morning, I'm getting ready for my 9 AM class. Google Classroom–notif. V. Private message. Uh-oh, I thought. The make-or-break moment, and not a minute too soon.

V: Thank you very much for your work!

I almost laughed out loud. "Wow, [Name], don't strain yourself!" I remember saying as I read it.

One infuriatingly boring English (as a foreign language) class later, it was time for V's class. I was ready five minutes in advance, but as I went on The Platform That Shall Not Be Named... no one was there. I found it odd. Usually, there are a couple of us by now. Anyway, I didn't enter the voice channel. I waited five minutes in solitude outside for someone to show up.

Well, V did. And I wasn't very well going to leave her alone, now, was I?

She greeted me 0.1 second after I joined. I tried not to be awkward about it just being the two of us, I immediately stroke up a conversation. I told her how I was already waiting, all the stuff you guys already know, and she asked if we had any lessons prior. I told her about one third of us having had English just now. We spent about two minutes alone together, as I rambled about the awkward and unfortunate situation and she listened, mostly in silence.

She was very audibly tired, and said very little, that much was to be expected from a 10 AM class. But... I might just be overthinking it, but I heard something there that concerned me. Something crushed and disappointed, something that told me she wasn't expecting only one person to show. There was something painfully lonely in that voice.

Bookworm Friend joined, about 3-ish minutes into class, and Debate Friend a minute or two later, but they were both muted, so I carried on. I asked V to tell us what happened in school in the past two days, what we missed out on, enthusiastically replying to everything I could, so she wouldn't feel like she was speaking into the abyss, so she'd know I was trying my hardest to be there for her. Then she brought up the tests she was correcting at the moment, even naming a really stupid mistake she encountered with a little laugh. But what really smacked me in the gut was when I brought up the small attendance, and she said: "There's nothing we can do." in this very melancholy voice, like she was giving up. She even texted the class group chat that she's waiting.

How do I know that she wasn't just simply tired, and that's why she sounded like that, so worn and discouraged, especially at first? Because as soon as the others, who don't belong in my friends' circle, started showing up, her voice and entire behaviour did a 180°, as if she suddenly woke up. But she didn't. I know for a fact she didn't. Nobody just wakes up that suddenly.

It took me until that afternoon to realise that I'd just spent 5 minutes with the real V, the same V I spoke to in early December, who didn't try to hide her emotions. Not from me.

If you only heard the next thirty minutes of class, you could never tell she was feeling sad to begin with. And there was a LOT to be heard. Starting with how she mispronounced "cheat somebody out of sth" as "EAT somebody out", which is... well... all I'm saying is, I fell on my knees and tried to laugh as silently as I could. Prime moment.

She said something along the lines of "We're all very sober here", after which I just texted my friends:

S: "Darling, you tell us drinking stories every two weeks, would you mind if I didn't believe you?"

and sometime after, this text was also sent, for which I will not be offering context:

S: "[Name], that was enough sex for 10 AM, I'm gonna pass out"

And, of course, after all that went down, V saying "you can't satisfy everyone" sounded VERY different.

At some point, I attempted to joke around, but as she was reading a message in the chat that was sent at the same time, I got quite the half-assed response. But what happened in the last five minutes? Oh, that changed everything.

Art Friend knew how upset I was that V didn't reply at all to my assignment, and I told her I wanted to talk to V about it. During class, she texted me if I still wanted it, and I told her no, because I'm no longer upset with her. And what does this madwoman do? SHE ASKS ABOUT THE ASSIGNMENTS.

V is absolutely enthusiastic, she goes on about how much she liked what she saw and how creative we were. Art Friend asks about hers. Then comes my leap of faith. It's now, or never.

"I hope I didn't go too far..." I said, a bit nervous, not knowing how she'd react. She never did like me trying to undermine myself. And you guys... she chuckled. Incredibly soft and warm and just what I needed to feel at ease. That already threw me off, but then, she followed it up with: "No, I really-really liked it." I could tell she was smiling on the other side of the screen and that she was completely honest. I had to sit down after that, because I just couldn't believe what I heard. That I really just witnessed all that, that I got a reaction I couldn't overthink and/or misinterpret, because I heard it with my own two ears, in real time. I felt like I could do anything in the world.

And yet, the next day, I didn't do my usual notes for her test. Because what did Specs do all evening instead? I was fucking singing. I couldn't deny being a goddamn theatre kid if I tried.

Friday. The day of the test. I'm restlessly taking notes in the morning, but I don't have the time to get into the analytics of poems, only the basics of the dude's life and works. It makes me incredibly frightened, because V's tests are only easy if you come prepared — if you have no clue what she's talking about, abandon all hope. I had absolutely everything open for cheating that I could open, and you guys? I lucked out. Most of the test was just "Explain what [insert quote] means in 2-3 sentences", and if there's something I excel at, as you've probably noticed, it's talking. It was easy as could be.

The only thing making me anxious were my classmates. They were all trying to ask for help, constant questions and begging, everyone is hopeless, because they couldn't give two shits about preparing beforehand. They were all assured some loser was gonna give them the answers. And the some loser was me. I gave it to them, everything except for the final, longer essay. That was private, only meant for V to read. After all, how was I supposed to show them my essay, that ends like this?:

"Even if our existence is finite, it's always worth fighting for happiness."

And yes, yes it is. Always. Look at me. I powered through weeks of a shitstorm, where every single day felt like years, where I no longer knew or cared what was going to happen. And let me tell you, the sun always shines beyond the clouds. You just can't see it yet. But GOD, you will. You will.

I needed time to write this. There's loads going on at the moment, not necessarily V-related, and I'm trying to work my way through it gently enough that I can make it the end sane and healthy. Currently, it's three weeks since all this happened. One and a half weeks left until school ends. I might get to see V in person again, but we'll see how it goes. All I know is that whatever happens, I can do it. Because even if my existence is finite, it's always worth fighting for happiness.

~ S ♡

[Every story I share here, no matter how specific I get with my wording, depicts actual events from my own life.]

#tc #tcc #teacher crush community #female tc #female teacher crush

[villainsblog97]

Stray Kids Reaction: Kissing a Stranger on New Years

Summary: What's so bad about kissing someone on New Years? Well... it helps if you know who they are...

Warnings: some language and use of alcohol

Scenario: Pure Fluffy Balls of Fluff!!!

Bang Chan

"What's your name?" The aussie asked you.

"Where's the fun in that, if I leave you to keep guessing... you'll stick around a little longer" you smirked.

To say that he was enchanted by you would be a total understatement, you were definitely driving him insane, and the more you two hung out the more he wanted to know you.

"Countdown in 15 guys!!!" A guy called out.

You two met at a new years eve party, you had to help Chan get lose, he told you he didn't really do a lot of partying, but you helped change his mind, when he saw you it was like time froze, you were the only thing on his mind, and thanks to Jisung and Changbin, he finally got up the courage to talk to you (okay more like Jisung and Changbin pushed him towards you).

3 hours lead you to here, you found out he was producing music with his friends and hoping one day to make it big, you told him that you came from a small town and were a city girl stuck in a country world, so you packed it up and followed your dream.

Now you stood beside him, with 2 minutes left on the clock.

"You ever kissed anyone on New Years?" He asked.

"Its so overrated..." you yelled over the music.

The song ended and the Hyped up DJ began to start the countdown.

"Ten...Nine...Eight....Seven" your eyes drifted off to Chan's lips who were counting down with the crowd, they looked so soft and plump, made you really curious of the taste of them.

"Five...Four..." Chan looked down at you and caught you in the act, his mind went blank, maybe it was the rum and coke in his hand or maybe just the way you looked, but his eyes met your lips, and he couldn't take them off.

"Three....Two....One! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!"

"What the hell" he smiled as he pulled you in for a long 2020 kiss, you stomach flipped as you kissed him, he knew what he was doing, and it was driving you wild.

"Now will you tell me your name?"

"(Y/N)", "I'm Chris... but everyone around here calls me Chan"

Lee Know

This boy was already a tease, constantly hinting how badly he wanted to kiss you, but he also had a couple shots, so he was feeling pretty good.

"You know... you're suppose to kiss someone on new years...." he hinted.

"You don't have to..." you rolled your eyes.

"Its tradition!" He protested.

"Its lame..."

However as the alcohol set in, he was looking more and more delicious.

"I will admit, you are freaking hot" you smiled.

"Oh really?" He smirked.

"Little bit"

The guy called out the countdown was about to begin.

"Three.....Two....ONE! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!" you looked over and put your hands on his face and leaned up on your tip toes and planted a big kiss on him.

His eyes widen as you pulled away, but he'd be damned if he was just gonna let you go.

Changbin

After the fourth short joke, he was getting tired of being near you, but somehow everytime he tried to leave, he'd always run right back into you.

"Following me now pip squeak?" You smirked.

"Quit with the short jokes you're not that much taller!"

"Yes but I'm still... taller"

"Whatever!" He threw his hands up and walked away again.

Forty minutes later, he saw you again, he tried to avoid you but it was no use.

"Hey! Quit following me Amazon!" He glared.

"Amazon!?"

"Yeah! AM-A-ZON!!!!"

"You're starting to piss me off!" You yelled out

"That makes two of us!" He agreed.

"Five...Four...Three...Two...ONE! HAPPY NEW YEAR!"

"HAPPY NEW YEAR!" you yelled at him.

"Yeah! Same to you!" He said before pulling you into his lips for a harsh, yet satisfying, kiss.

You both froze in your tracks... (talk about sexual tension)

"Instead of Pip Squeak....why don't you call me Changbin"

Hyunjin

He was a flirt, no doubt... he could get any girl he wanted, except you, you were a challenge, and he liked the challenge.

"What is it about you that is so different?" He asked.

"Maybe I just don't fall so easily..."

"That you don't... but still..."

You gave him one last smile before walking away, because truth was, he was getting to you... and you couldn't have that, but at the same time you wanted to.

He was unlike anyone you've ever met, totally gorgeous, funny, and that smile.

Girls kept coming over, hanging all over him, he would politely deny their request, he knew what he wanted.

"Let's start the countdown!!!" A girl started cheering.

Everyone started the countdown, you looked around for the mystery guy, kind of hoping you could start your new year with him, but he was out of sight.

"HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!" the crowd cheered as people started to share a kiss with their significant other, you felt a hand on your shoulder and spun you on your heel, you met his eyes for only a second before he pulled you into his sweet, perfect lips.

"Call me Hyunjin"

Han

Jisung was a shy little bean, he didn't usually talk to girls because it would come out more incoherent gibberish than anything.

But he saw you and wanted so bad to know you, absolutely beautiful was what he saw and he really wanted to know more of you.

"Just go talk to her!" Felix said

"Yeah right... unless she understands jawa..."

"You don't sound like a star wars creature when you talk!"

"No it just comes out h-yo-ah-go-na- bye!"

"Okay so maybe that is a little Jawa..." he shrugs, "look mate... 2019 is almost over! Go now or forever hold your peace!"

A few minutes later, He was up talking to you, not doing too bad when talking to you.

Drinking has helped.

You couldn't help how adorable he was, and how he just melted your heart everytime he smiled, you two spent pretty much the rest of 2019 together, laughing, talking and occasionally staring into each others eyes.

You were falling.

And so was he.

"Ten...Nine...Eight...Seven...Six....Five...Four....THREE...TWO....ONE!!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!" Jisung looked down at you with nervous hands and a shaky voice.

"Can I kiss you??" He yelled over the loud music and equally loud cheers.

"Yes!" You yelled back, with that His shaking hands reached your face as he leaned down and kissed you ever so softly.

"I'm Jisung" he smiled

"(Y/N)"

Felix

Felix was having fun, spending new years with Chan at a local little club in Australia.

"2020 resolution!" Chan said as he sat the shot glass down.

Felix downed the shot and sat it beside him.

"Awe why mate... those never happen!"

"Come on come on, just play along!"

"Okay I..... holy..." his eyes widened

"More....religious?" Chan asked

"If my religion is her..." he sighed out as you approached him.

"Nice hair" you smiled.

"Hair.... " he was in a trance by you.

"What my good mate here was trying to say was, thank you! And I'll leave you two to it then!" Chan slipped away leaving you and Felix to talk, you told him you just moved here a few weeks ago and saw him around a couple days ago, you blushed as you told him he had an enchanting presence that made you want to get to know him more, he blushed a bit too.

Few hours later, you two were hitting it off well... Chan stood back and watched his friend like a proud mom.

"So any new year resolutions?" You asked as you took a drink.

"Nothing I can think of... I'm not really a new years resolution kind of guy"

"Oh come on.... everyone has a new years resolution" you laughed.

"Well let me get back to you"

"Countdown in Ten.....Nine...Eight!!!" The DJ called out.

"We better get over there!" You called as you grabbed your drink in one hand and took Felix's hand in the other, dragging him to the crowd.

He grabbed a hold of his drink as he followed you.

"Five...Four..." you both chimed in.

"Three...Two...One... HAPPY NEW YEAR!" without even thinking Felix leaned over and placed a sweet kiss on your lips, you weren't complaining, he was gorgeous, and his lips were the perfect taste.

"You know how I said I'd get back to you on that resolution?"

"Yeah?"

"I think I just found it..."

Seungmin

From the get go Seungmin was hypnotized by you, he pretty much ditched all his friends to go talk to you, but it was worth it, he found you exceptionally beautiful, and couldn't take his eyes off you.

You two were talking and enjoying each others company, when you unzipped your jacket to reveal a Day6 T-Shirt.

Seungmin then knew he found his soulmate.

"You like Day6!??!?" His eyes lit up.

"Of course! Die hard My Day since day 1!" You smiled.

"I love them! Their music is so..."

"Amazing!" You both said in unison

"Whos your bias!?" He smiled.

"Oh hands down Jae! He cracks me up!"

As if you two weren't already getting to know each other, now it was getting serious, Seungmin was falling for a total stranger, he didn't even know your name.

"Hey... I'm Seungmin" he smiled as he held out his hand.

"I'm-"

"Start the countdown!!!!" Everyone cheered as they counted down to the new year.

You and Seungmin joined in counting down with the crowd.

"Three....Two....ONE! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!" Seungmin leaned down and kissed you, then froze.

"I'm sorry... I was....lost in the moment"

You leaned up on your toes and returned the kiss to him.

"Its okay... also... (Y/N)" you smiled.

I.N

When it came to Jeongin, girls were the last thing on his mind, he wasn't exactly scared of them... he would just... run away from them.

However you were different, he was talking with you all night at the party his friends dragged him to.

It wasn't so bad when you started talking to him.

You found out he was the same age as you and only a couple months older than you, but he was adorable, and his smile killed you.

You told him that some of your friends dragged you along too, you were the youngest of your little group too, you both had a lot in common and the countdown got closer and closer.

"Anything you wanna remember from 2019?" You asked.

"Well... definitely you!" He grinned, your heart shook, no one ever said that to you.

"I wanna remember you too" you smiled.

"Let's start the countdown!" Everyone cheered.

"Jeongin! Let's go!!!" Some of his friends came by and pulled him along, he made sure you followed him.

You two stood close and slowly laced your fingers together.

"Three....Two....One! HAPPY NEW YEAR"

Jeongin looked at you with those soft, heart melting eyes, you nodded a little, knowing what he was asking for, he held both your hands and leaned in to give you a new year kiss.

"THATS MY BOY!!!" you heard one of the members call out.

"So... I'm Jeongin" he smiled, light pink dusted on his cheeks.

"(Y/N)"

"Happy New Year (Y/N)"

#straykids #happy new year #happy new decade #reaction #scenario #bang chan #lee know #changbin #hyunjin #han #felix #seungmin #i.n