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restlesswritingss · 5 months

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In which Astarion's confession doesn't go as planned

WARNINGS: Angst, normal warnings for talk of Astarion's backstory ie sexual abuse and talk.

Astarion wanted to be honest with you. You deserved honesty. You were wonderful and you deserved something real. He wanted things between you two to be real. But when he went to tell you all this, he'd cut himself off before he could get to that part. The hurt on your face had made the words die in his throat. Tears welled in your eyes and he could only watch in horrified silence as the realization that he had used you set in.

"I am so sorry," was all he could get out.

You let out a shaky sigh and turned your gaze to your feet, "I'm sorry as well that I made you feel like you had to put yourself through that for my protection. I shouldn't have been so bold in my desires for you. You've always been more than that to me and you owe me nothing."

Astarion wanted to vomit at hearing you blame yourself for his betrayal. Sure, your eyes had practically been hearts upon first glance at him and that had made it easy for him to choose you as his target, but that wasn't your fault. You'd had a crush and he'd used it against you.

"Tav, I," he reached out for you but you flinched away from him.

His hand hung in the air.

"It's ok Astarion. I'll be ok. I just need to be alone right now, if you want to feed from me once I fall asleep feel free. I still just want you to be safe and happy," you still wouldn't meet his eyes and that hurt the most. The fact that you didn't trust him to see your tears anymore.

He tried to speak again but you finally met his gaze and the pain he saw in it knocked the wind out of him.

"Thank you for being honest with me, please don't think this means I want you out of the camp. Please stay with us, I promise to get over myself and not bother you anymore with my feelings," you said.

Your voice was steady and you thanked whatever god you could think of for it. You couldn't let Astarion leave just because you were an idiot who couldn't control their romantic desires for him.

Astarion was in awe of your selflessness. He'd just broken your heart and all you said was that you hoped he stayed with the group. You should have screamed at him, slapped him even, gods knew he deserved it. But this, this kindness, was something he didn't deserve. He didn't deserve you. So he held the words he'd rehearsed over and over back. I want us to be real. You deserved real with someone better. Someone who wouldn't hurt you like this.

You'd turned away then and gone off somewhere in the forest. When Karlach had asked him he'd just said you needed some time alone. You didn't come back all night. Astarion took watch and spent the entire night staring into the fire wanting to burn himself alive. The shame was killing him. This wasn't something he'd done because Cazador had ordered it, he'd manipulated you over and over of his own free will. He'd listened as you opened up to him about your own issues with intimacy and past traumas from awful partners. He'd made you feel safe and loved with him, all just so you'd protect him. You hadn't deserved that. No one truly did.

The next morning you were back at camp cooking breakfast as it was your turn. Ever the dutiful leader. You were much quieter than usual and everyone glared at him for it. You two hadn't been exactly subtle about your budding romance and now you could barely look at him.

After giving everyone their food, you'd excused yourself back to your tent with a mumble about not sleeping well. It was an obvious fact due to the major bags under your eyes.

"What did you do?" Lae'zel spat with her fork pointed menacingly at him.

He tried to avoid everyone's gaze, especially the hope and glee that filled Gale's. It was also no secret the wizard had a crush on you and the idea of him finding pleasure in the demise of your relationship made all the goodwill the two had built up dissipate immediately. The girls were just glaring at him with friendly protectiveness but he still knew any of them would take the opportunity to jump your bones.

He seethed under it all, "We aren't together anymore and that's all the rest of you need to know." Nosy bastards.

"So you broke up with her," Halsin chimed in without taking his eyes off his breakfast like the calm annoying asshole he was, "her eyes were filled with too much passion for you for it have been her to break things off."

That instantly cooled Astarion's anger and want to lash out. Did you really look at him with love so obvious? All your other companions just nodded along to the druid's statement.

I hadn't wanted to break up with her, I'm just not ready for . . . whatever this all is.

Karlach gasped dramatically and he jumped up at the realization that they had all heard his thought.

"Get out of my head you bastards. Who I have in and out of my bed is no one's business but mine. Tav and I had our fun but now its run its course," Astarion spat at them all before stalking off into his tent.

The rest of your companions gave each other a knowing look.

"I just want them both to be happy!" Karlach cried.

Gale shook his head, "Well maybe they will be happier apart."

They all glared at him knowing the ulterior motives he had behind the statement.

You were trying your hardest to just be normal. Everyone had given you sidelong glances as you attempted to just pack up camp and move on with your adventure, but no one pushed you to talk. Astarion hadn't left his tent the whole time which had made it slightly easier to ignore the change in your relationship. But now, he was still inside it while everyone else was basically ready to go.

You stood outside his tent flap regretting becoming the de-facto leader of this group because it meant that it was left to you to get his ass out. Before his prissiness had been annoying but amusing. Now you were just annoyed since it meant you had to face your ex not even a full 24 hours after he'd told you in no uncertain terms that your whole relationship was just a lie.

It wasn't the first time you'd been used and discarded but it'd hurt more. It'd hurt because it wasn't his fault. All Astarion had known for 200 years was torture and manipulation, of course he'd perpetuate that cycle. You should have seen it. Why would Astarion ever want you anyway?

You took a deep breath in an attempt hold back the tears and tried to muster up the courage to knock on his tent post. But he scrambled to the entrance before you got the chance.

Astarion opened up his flap the second he realized you were standing outside his tent with a pathetic urgency and hope. He'd been meditating and had been too distracted to be fully aware of his surroundings. His chest squeezed at the knowledge you'd been reluctant to enter his tent. You were still welcome and wanted in his space anytime.

You raised your brows at him clumsily tripping over himself.

"H-hello Tav, what brings you over?" Astarion tried to save his dignity by standing up straight but the stuttering didn't help.

You frowned, face filled with concern at him being so off-kilter, "I just came over to let you know we are ready to head out whenever you are. Let me know if you need anything."

You internally kicked yourself for seeming like such a partner. You should have said any of you would help. No wonder he felt so obligated to play into your affections, you couldn't even turn it off when he'd explicitly told you he didn't want it.

Astarion could see you getting in your head about everything you said. He wanted to reach out and wipe away the crease in your brow and kiss the tip of your nose like he would've done just yesterday. But today it wasn't his place. He'd thrown that away.

Instead he just cleared his throat and said, "Thank you my dear. I'll get my ass in line quickly."

He tried to smile but it didn't reach his eyes. You flinched at the term of endearment, nodding and quickly turning away before you could truly react to it in front of him.

Astarion watched you walk away, only turning to pack up his things once you'd gone out into the forest yet again.

The continuous trek to Baldur's Gate was even worse now that you didn't have a cute rogue in your ear entertaining you. Instead now you had a know-it-all wizard practically breathing down your neck.

You'd known Gale had a crush on you but it'd never felt real. You hadn't even considered him before Astarion joined your group because it felt like you were just a stand in for Mystra. Gale didn't really want you, he wanted a partner and was trying to force you to fit his ideal version of that.

But then again, maybe you weren't the best judge of these things. Everything had felt real with Astarion. Even when he dissociated during intimacy, you'd felt able to pull him out of it and remind him that he could refuse you. He'd made you feel loved and wanted, but now you knew all of it had been a farce.

Gods he was a good actor and you were a fool.

Astarion seethed behind you as Gale pathetically vied for your attention. Gale barely even knew you yet he'd convinced himself he loved you. It made Astarion sick. Astarion had actually taken the time to speak with you, making him feel more justified in his own pining. Guilt stabbed him again as he remembered that he'd taken all the knowledge he'd learned of you to twist the knife further into your back. Even though his intentions had been nefarious, the end result of all his time spent with you left him in the same place as the wizard. Hopelessly in love with you.

At lease his love was based in reality though. That still made him better than Gale.

"Gale, leave our leader be. Her mind is already too clouded with her unrequited feelings for the vampire spawn," Laezel spat at the oaf. It made Astarion like her both more and less at the same time.

Gale turned around to glare at her while you kept your eyes forward to avoid seeing said vampire spawn's reaction.

Your shoulders slumped and you sighed exasperated, "Thank you Laezel for your tact and care when it comes to personal matters."

Everyone was now looking at Astarion, everyone but the one person he desperately wanted to as your head never even turned.

He scoffed and kept moving forward. That was all he could do. Speaking would have betrayed too much.

The rest of your day went by without a hitch or another awkward comment. You came upon an abandoned town with not much left to loot, but with intact houses that would provide protection for a night.

You all agreed to camp out there for the night to recharge before the next inevitable fight you'd encounter. It was your turn to gather firewood, a fact that made Astarion nervous as none of you had fully scoped out the surrounding forests. Everyone else had tasks or their own selfish reason for not volunteering to go with you, so it was left to him. He wanted to feel burdened or annoyed but there was excitement at being alone with you again flowing through him where blood would be.

It'd only been a day since your disastrous conversation and yet he felt the hole your absence left as if it'd been centuries. He was pathetic.

He came up behind you loudly so as not to sneak up on you just as you were about to head out.

"I suppose it goes without saying that you need a companion to explore the woods," He began trying to seem put out but the moment your gaze fixed on him his voice dropped and he finished quietly, "please let me accompany you."

Your brow furrowed again and it drove Astarion crazy. He wanted to comfort you when that look crossed your face, not be the cause of it.

"I appreciate the offer, but please don't feel like you have to," your voice was strained as you tried to give him an out.

"I want to."

You sighed obviously not believing him but not having an argument in you, "Ok."

With that, you turned and headed out without glancing back him. He kept close, closer than necessary but not as close as he wanted to be. It only took him a couple minutes of silence to break. As soon as you were out of ear shot of the group, he grabbed your elbow to get your attention.

You stopped abruptly and spun directly into his chest. His arms came up to catch you as you stumbled, and for a moment you relaxed into his embrace. But then your mind caught up and you pulled away.

"Sorry," You blushed and went to turn back to your task.

"Tav we need to talk," His voice was shakier than he wanted, but he couldn't hold himself back. He was going to be selfish despite his best efforts.

Your gaze snapped to him, panic coloring your features.

"Please don't leave the group, I'm sorry if I've made you uncomfortable," You spat out quickly, desperately.

Astarion hated hearing you beg for him in this way, as if you did anything wrong and didn't deserve his companionship. It was something he could never wrap his head around.

"Tav, no I wanted to talk about our conversation yesterday. I didn't leave it exactly where I wanted. There was more I had to say but I couldn't get it out after hurting you the way I did."

There was that damn crinkle in between your brows again. He was resigning to spend the rest of his life ensuring you never worried again. Granted you would want him around for the rest of his life.

"I also didn't say everything I wanted to," you began with a voice soaked in guilt, "I know I already apologized but I cannot express enough through words or actions how sorry I am I made you force yourself to sleep with me. I'm not an idiot and I knew you wouldn't have looked twice at me unless there was something in it for you. I'm sorry I let my personal feelings cloud my better judgement. It was obvious you were playing me and seducing me not out of want or desire, but I just wanted to believe you returned my feelings."

You took a deep breath after your word vomit, then opened your mouth to continue but he cut you off with a yell.

"I took advantage of your affections, and you beg me for forgiveness? I have to contradict you my love because you are in fact an idiot. You did nothing wrong," he was exasperated with your self-flagellation, "I'm not made of glass! I wanted to fuck you and I enjoyed it too! Which is the entire problem! As I said, I had a nice simple plan but you had to go and fuck it up by not only being a good lay but also the first person I've ever truly cared about! And how could you assume I would never want you! It's absurd! Especially when you are all I have wanted since our first meeting in that damned bush! You don't get to put words in my mouth and assign feelings to me that aren't mine. I didn't manipulate or sleep with you because you eyed me up everyday, I did it because I wanted your protection and I saw an easy way to get it."

He huffed, tired from his emotional outburst but added one last thing, "I'm the villain here. Not you. It was never you."

You were stunned, every word he said floating around in your brain but latching onto one vital thing, "Wait you enjoyed the sex we had?"

Astarion huffed again and threw his arms up, ever the dramatic one, "Of course I enjoyed the sex we had! You're a vision, and you're so much more than that. It was the first time I'd ever truly felt connected with someone."

"I, I just felt so awful thinking that it hadn't been what you wanted but what you'd forced yourself to do," tears were falling at the realization that you hadn't hurt him in that way.

Astarion realized what had really been eating away at you, he hadn't wanted you to ever feel guilty on his behalf. The fact that you did warmed him in an unnamable way.

"Our time together meant everything to me and I just couldn't bear that it had been at the expense of your suffering," you sighed.

Astarion scoffed, "Being with you never caused me suffering. Except, well, the guilt that ate away at me for manipulating your feelings."

You tried to interrupt him but he held up his finger.

"Ah ah ah, love. You don't get to say that I wasn't. I was. I saw your attraction to me and it made you an easy target. I chose to seduce you and manipulate you for my own game. My plan was simple. It was easy, instinctual. 200 years of habit kicked in. So imagine how stupid I felt when I genuinely started to feel something for you."

That seemed to knock some sense into you. Relief overwhelmed you at the knowledge that he returned your feelings.

Seeing the relief and pure love in your eyes for him made Astarion's brain go haywire. He immediately cupped your face in his hands and pulled your mouth to his in a way that was more aggressive than he ever wanted to be with you. He devoured your mouth. He always tried to be delicate with you even when he was still telling himself you were just a means to an end, but in this moment he couldn't hold back his own passion for you. The feeling terrified him but the feel of your body kept him grounded.

Finally you pulled away for air and he cursed your human dependencies. But it gave him a moment to remember what else he had wanted to say.

"You deserve something real, I want us to be real. I just, don't know what that looks like. I've never been with someone who I wasn't going to bring back to my master for their gruesome death and I know things are different with us. I will never let him touch you, but it still all feels tainted," He breathed the words onto you face, not being able to bear another moment without your touch. One day was long enough.

You rubbed soothing circles onto his lower back where your arms had wrapped around him during your embrace.

There was nothing but devotion and pure love in your eyes as you gazed up at him, understanding the part he couldn't voice out loud and never pushing him beyond his limits.

"That's ok, we can take this as slow as you need if you even want to change it all. I meant it when I said that you are so much more to me than sex. I'm content to just be in your company," you breathed back at him still recovering from the kissing.

He loved leaving you breathless.

He then groaned dramatically and buried his face in the crook of your neck as he mumbled, "But I do so want to make Gale listen to me ravish you all night."

You laughed loud and boisterous, Astarion's favorite laugh of yours that was only his to hear unencumbered by your normal reservations to be quieter around others. He kissed under your jaw but wretched himself away.

"I want to work up to us being intimate together again. I want you so desperately it quite literally hurts, but I am just not there yet. Please don't give up on me," His voice faltered at the end as he met your eyes and saw tears once again filling them.

This time though you let him see them and he let you see him in all his damaged glory.

You just kissed him hoping to convey into it all that you felt. You were never giving up on him again.

Author's Note: Alright ladies let's fucking go, new hyper fixation on a white haired man unlocked! I may write more for Astarion (or Gale hehe) if people want. I haven't played the game myself bc my pc sucks and is only built for rune factory and stardew valley so I'm sorry if this isn't fully game accurate I've only seen playthroughs. As for DND lore wise, I am going to be taking liberties bc it's MY maladaptive daydream and I'll do what I want!

#astarion x reader #astarion x tav

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