#idk what to do. it's all just piling up

[flufflecat]

Really not feelin it this week. Tag rant incoming

#it's just been a slew of horrible things this week and idk how to handle any of it #we had to take my childhood cat to the vet on Monday bc she's very sick and very skinny #and we thought we'd have to put her down #I'm so thankful bc she still has a bit of time and really all I want is for her to be comfortable again before she dies #but shes in such bad shape #and I hate seeing her like that. I found her when she was just a few weeks old #and now she's 15 and she just got old out of nowhere #and I'm not gonna be able to see her anymore soon #I'm going to a funeral Saturday for one of my aunts #I wasn't close to her since I was a kid but my family more or less abandoned her #and now she's dead and I never went to see her when she was alone #and today my other aunt died. and I was close to her. #I haven't seen her in years either though bc of more family drama. #and I never visited her either. idek if she was alone or if she had people. #I should have visited her when we found out she was sick but I just didn't #idk what to do. it's all just piling up #I feel worse rn than I have in years #and more bad things just keep happening #I was excited this week bc I got some work done on my college application #but now my motivation is just gone #I just wanna sleep and wake up and find out that my aunt is actually alive and someone just got it wrong somehow #but I can't fall asleep and that won't happen so waking up won't even be worth that #I would call off work tomorrow but I don't wanna be alone and my coworkers are the only people I know in town #at least they're all nice people #this all sucks so fucking bad #personal #negative

[fooltofancy]

i want out of this apartment so, so badly, but we got the email saying we're gonna be receiving renewal documentation this week and having to decide NOW whether i need to figure all of that shit out is. bad.

#i was gonna call them in march lmao #lease ends june 1 like 'we're already getting inquiries' that's great #im already so overwhelmed even thinking about the logistics of finding a place sorting moving options moving utilities moving internet #not to mention the insane financial hurdle of deposit+rent plus moving #weeps #im like. really struggling living here lmao but also at this point i'm really struggling just existing and piling all of that extra bullshi #is not gonna help #i might just. fucking suck it up and stay for the duration that i have to be in this stupid town #idk what im doing after that and idk how long that actually has to be because my work can Not decide how longevity works #weh. #mentally and emotionally compromised #AND i have to see my endo this month #it's all stupid and it's still killing me

[thenwethrowitonthefire]

Shout-out to everyone who survived a "fun" easter with the family

#fucking hell #it started with finding out my dad smoked in my car when I picked up my sister #who was equally dreading the day #my mum turns into the world's tensest and judgemental presence. worsened by my aunt #then hell for autistic people (of which there are multiple present) #multiple deaf people means one uninspired conversation that isn't interesting in any way. #combinations of passive aggressiveness and people not saying a thing because they can't participate. voice volumes too damn high #weirdass food situations. Very full table. so many smells. #this goes on for over an hour. wishing for literally anything but being there. soul crushing. #then you still have to sit in that room for 2.5 hours. it just goes on and on. #my autistic deaf dad physically looks like how I feel. my mum and aunt keep piling on top of him to demand his mental presence #i leave the room once (to get my phone to show pictures to my uncle) and am immediately followed upstairs by my mum #who demands I don't leave the room (What's next. following me when I need the toilet?) #me and my sister are so bored we start throwing paper planes and fake fighting. #Which amuses the bored and the deaf #but of course my mum and aunt have opinions and this is not allowed. only soul crushing boredom allowed #they complain to each other over it while aggressively doing dishes #finally it ends because my mum and aunt start insisting my dad should go to bed if he's 'that tired'. *sprinkle on some additional ableism* #still sitting through a conversation about allergies one of my sister's friends has. my mum preaching that people should take that seriously #(meanwhile i had to cook for myself for 9 years because when my allergies were really bad no one bothered to check if i could eat something) #me and my sister go sit upstairs to discover our mum has made things we care about vanish in her room #and made things appear that should not be there #I've washed the interior of my car and hope the smell will go #you think it's over after that. but woke up with the realisation that even more things have disappeared from my sister's room. #i can't remember a time when things left outside of my room didn't disappear #I don't know why we do these family gatherings at all. no one has fun on days like that. #the housing crisis isn't making these things easy. my sister is losing her place to live again as well #she'll go hiking for a month and then work on a campsite over the summer #maybe I'll go house sitting again. idk. #can't make commitments a few months in advance like that because I'll cancel everything the second Sparks announces anything important

[bunnihearted]

🏫🍃🌥️

#oooof... sleep was rough bc my face was super itchy. all of a sudden i got rashes in my face yesterday ?!?!? i have NEVER gotten that wtffff #hopefully it's just temporary nd will go away. it's still a tiny bit itchy but not as bad as yesterday :o #istg my life is a JOKE!!!! a joke!!!! rashes?!? what? maybe stress nd anxiety?? idk it's wild tho i cant deal w this #so i couldnt really fall asleep but i rested for a few hours #then i got up. took my dog out. had oatmeal. called the surgeron clinic. #and like... i told them abt my weight and they said im underweight?! and that my bmi is 18.9 and u need to have 19.... #i told her that i cant gain weight bc i cant eat anything. that i cant have more fat than i already do bc then it hurts too much #she said she'll talk to the anesthesia doctors and call me later. she hasnt called yet #i rlly hope they understand the situation?? and that i can still have my surgery bc what else am i supposed to do??? #ughhhh why cant anything ever just be easy and smooth for me?? #i am sooooo tired of all these hardships piling on top of eo #then i walked to school.. took me an hour and im spent now bc im so weak nd malnutrioned skskskks #and im in class... it's a long one. still more than an hour left :'( my head hurts #ugh i just wanna be fine for once in my life #but yeah im like 75% thru all the hard things i need to do today #just need to finish class nd then walk home nd then hopefully get a call back and then i can relax (as much as i can lol) #i hope the itching goes down (still wtf is my body doing? i have no patience for it anymore) nd i hope im not too underweight for surgery om

[blagueofchaos]

trick or treaaatt<3

You get this mysterious and slightly unsettling Facebook marketplace listing I screenshotted the other day labeled cryptically as "pets", which shows only a variety of seemingly empty boxes!

Are they invisible pets? Are they small insects? Did the pets they intended to sell in them escape, leaving them to sell only empty boxes? Are they boxes that one leaves out to attract a pet? Are they portals to a secret realm of pets? The world may never know because I am not spending $5 on that! But I guess metaphorically I am stealing one and handing it to you, so you get to find out!

#realistically I think they probably meant to put it in the “pets” category and it's like boxes for pets to live in #which do not come with pets included #but my immediate question was “what kind of pets and where are they?” #and it's much funnier to speculate on it that way #I mean it's the least clear title possible and there's no description #I'm just picturing the seller setting up a pile of tarantulas and ladybugs and all manner of creepy crawlies for a picture #but by the time they get their camera all the boxes are empty #and they're just like. well crap. guess I'll roll with it #idk why this is so amusing to me #I hope it amuses you also #happy Halloween! #inbox trick-or-treating 2023

[smokeys-house]

.

#i feel like a lot of the people who i thought i was cool with have been. keeping me at arms length lately #like one person suddenly showed up and then decided i wasnt cool and then i was like ok. bye! #which was the right call imo #but since then it feels like ive been. idk sorta cut off from a lot of folks #like im just being uhh whats the word. tolerated #idk. im not cut out for social stuff. i dont even know my own feelings let alone the feelings of others. but i wish it would be a little #more clear cut. like either hate me and go away or stop ignoring me #u cant have me as a pretty little stuffed animal on a shelf. im either with u or ugotta put me in the garage sale pile #idk i dont think anyones actuallly doing that. i just feel distant lately is all #i think im just kinda stressed out. things have been hard since last year or. maybe before that now #i have trouble keeping time around grief. #it feels like im trying 2 talk 2 ppl and they just cant hear me #its like when i was a kid all over again #anyway #dw about me. i just needed 2 get that out ig

[frecklystars]

Me cooking dinner for everyone (all my Ryan F/Os) Ken has to come by with another plate and I’m like “didn’t I just give you an entire burger” and Ken says yeah but he needs another because K took his food and then Luke says “yeah he ate my food too” and K is at the table in tears shoving spoonfuls of fresh veggies and meat in his mouth openly weeping “I’ve been eating nothing but instant protein-grub noodles and rice for my entire life Please just Let me Have This I Beg of You”

#i burn the eggs by accident he says no problem and still eats them saying they’re amazing #meanwhile ken is having trouble trying to eat the food that isn’t plastic #he’s like what do you mean I can’t just imagine taking a bite. oh god. this burger is huge. how do I fit my mouth around it #Six is absolutely housing an entire stack of pancakes all by himself in the corner of the room he’s not letting anyone have it #Colt is butting heads with him #no I don’t know Colt yet but he’s included. what food does he like? don’t know yet... MY COOKING #I can’t cook for shit but I’ll learn for my hungry boys <3 #that was painful to type I’ll never say that again Lmfao #i make apple pie just for driver bc I know he likes it #driver nuzzles me the entire time I’m baking he’s snuggly asf. he’s exhausted too #stayed up all night on a getaway job. knows I stayed up all night having nightmares and being unable to sleep again #he gets it. he doesn't force me to try to sleep he knows i can't. but he encourages me to lay down after cooking #and to rest my eyes for a bit. and then it turns into a huge snuggle pile #we've got [counting on fingers] one two three... ten... a dozen Gosling F/Os #one of my best friends says it's like a flock of baby geese following me around SLKDFJSLFSDF #so fucking cute #Luke is canonically snuggly. idk Jacob or Holland yet... I'd want them to cuddle too #all of them are trying to have contact w/ me in SOME way once we're snuggled in bed #Ken's gotta hold my hand and put his head on my tummy HE'S GOTTA. or he'll PERISH #Lars isn't one for touch very often unless if he's the right person. I am that Right Person #but he will still just hold my hand and let everyone else do the full body snuggling #K's sitting up just like Six is when he's resting. alert. protective #Six is relieved he doesn't have to tie his shoelace to the door or worry abt intruders. he can just fall the fuck ASLEEP #they've all got full tummies and maybe some of them chat with each other #while others are like SHH LET KERI SLEEP. but im like no no your voices are like angels to me pls keep talking #esp Luke and Sebastian their rasps will lull me easily #love notes

[barkingangelbaby]

I feel like such a broken fucking person lol

I talked way too much in the tags don't read them

#fighting off the ideation like my life depends on it!! bc it does!!! #been good about not thinking certain phrases but F U C K am i feeling it. i want to turn into a pile of dust #i am so desperately trying to work on myself and change my patterns and bad habits and perspective but it feels like i always fall short #i try not to talk about it online but I'm just. having a very hard day with N because we experience our feelings in different ways #i isolate myself bc i struggle with regulating my reactions and tones when im having an episode but she needs me to talk through things and #i sometimes just. can't. bc I'm not done experiencing the negativity and am not in a place to have a productive convo bc shame spirals etc #we just spent a long time talking and being patient and i thought i was understanding and explaining myself well but i just. idk. #i don't know how to explain that of course i love her even if I'm isolating myself. of course i love her although I'm nonverbal today. i jus #t can't *make* myself talk when I'm like this i don't want to be nonverbal i don't want to isolate i don't want to be a distant partner i do #n't want to fall back into these patterns related to my grief i want to be better i am trying to be better i am working so fucking hard on #being better. i just feel so defeated bc this all spiraled from me not wanting to decide what to get for lunch n using a poor tone about it #I'm about to talk with her some more but I just. kinda don't want to exist right now. fuck dude. it feels so fucking awful when i upset her #like i love her so much she is so important to me and it breaks my heart that our entire day is shot bc i was tired and cranky #i just don't understand how that equates to me not loving her bc she is my whole world dude. I'm going to throw up #i also don't know how to explain to her that scrolling on tumblr is comfortable to me I'm not ignoring her it's just the SM that i scroll on #like we're hanging out watching tv together I'm gonna scroll a little bit. it's just not insta or anything #idk my mind is scrambled I'm crying I just want to be a better person who can calmly communicate my thoughts and emotions #today has just beat my fucking ass dude. i isolate so those feelings don't get translated into my interactions with others #i don't even know what i typed in these tags I just don't want to off myself or think about it I'm fighting myself so much 2day #rAMbles

[marklikely]

watching movies w the Boys during social time and so far they really like the reanimator green goo and nothing else

#thats actually a lie when theyre in their cage i discovered they also really like mst3k . #its the only thing they will go up to the bars of the cage and look at when i put it on. they dont look at anything else on tv. #unless its out of cage time and im sitting w them right by the tv to watch it in which case as i said before . they like reanimator #or at least the scenes with the glowing green goo. they dont really look at the rest of the movie tbh. #avpost #i always turn it to the mst3k channel when im away so theyve probably seen more of the show than i have atp #i dont even know how they know to look at it bc the tv is far enough from their cage that i feel like surely they cant see #considering rats have bad eyesight. and the tv is definitely farther than they can see clearly. maybe its something to do w the sound #(which is what i leave the tv on while im out for anyway. so they dont get too used to the sound of no people) #idk all i know is they all pile in the corner that has the best view of the tv and face that direction when i put that specific channel on. #anyway the social time movies are for my benefit more than theirs obviously i just thought it was kind of funny what they pay attention to. #ratposting

[the-kipsabian]

.

#the thing about being so bad at writing is that when you also do it very irregularly about shit nobody else cares about #you drive yourself into a hole where absolutely nothing motivates you cause nobody misses your fics #also ive been made to feel bad lately about choosing fic writing over drawing so its. been a really fucking bad brain time #idk. i dont feel like a contributing member of the fandom. like it doesnt matter at all what i do i dont provide anything of any value #i hate it here and once again im just. sad and done but im useless with anything so what does it matter and who cares #its so hard to explain. i just dont feel like im doing anything meaningful #and i know thats not an actual indicator of the quality of my work but. try telling my garbage brain these two things arent related lmao #sorry im just. im just useless. i dont just feel that i know i am. with anything i cant do just piling up and the list getting longer i jus #maybe i should finally give up writing too. would make thinking about everything so much easier. nobody would miss it #and nobody can convince me otherwise about that #im gonna go cry in my cocoa now goodbye #night is an absolute mess on main

[moe-broey]

Hhnghb

#FULLY MEDICATED AGAIN. #idk.... what to do...... i. want to do so many things. nothing is striking me at the moment though #i have The Pile (all of the ever-growing askr fam collection in my queue storage) #I HAD. SO MANY THOUGHTS. ABOUT VERONICA'S MAP. I WAS GONNA MAKE SOME POSTS ABOUT IT. AT LEAST HIGHLIGHTING SOME YHINGS #i was gona. post more of moe. and drop Some lore but mostly housekeeping #i won a little anya keychain plush at the arcade just to study her and use her as a ref. she is so cute. #i HAD a directing for the al/shari plush bodies but idk. if. i want to commit. i have no idea at thsi point #yesterday was SO fucked up i fucking meant it when i say you only start to feel the absence of meds day 2. #it's crazy..... like painkillers but for your brain..... like it's striking how i do have a lot of these thoughts/feelings #like all of the time but the meds just make them more manageable. put me at a baseline to sit w them better. #AH I WANTED TO BLEACH MY HAIR AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!! I FINALLY ALSO PICKED UP MORE HAIRBLEACH #yesterday was so fuckinh stupid though like all day i was just spacing out and teary. #like ah ..... the horrors............ blinks so sadly and sheds such delicate tears. dude come on #inmy heart of hearts i HAVE to believe in askr meds exist and all you have to do is ask the right person/pull the right strings. #i have NEVER been a 'fix my disability' bitch. we are managing that shit. through treament and accomodations. #it's also just more useful that way to me. to conceptualize and also to make peace w it. #like it has a feedback loop effect to it. through writing i'm inevitably sorting through thoughts/feelings #that WILL be relevant to my day to day life. #i think.... i am starting to feel a little better....... i just lack direction.

[fooltofancy]

do i turn my apartment into a greenhouse OR do i completely redo the basement in my estate IDK i'm suffering

#... i have Ideas. #that are going to require me to run so so so many dungeons but i have IDEAS #.... i already started redoing the basement but idk #it makes no logistical sense to put a greenhouse down there lmao #maybe i redo the whole thing #idk dude i am bad at the walls i don't wanna redo the walls upstairs #i AM gonna redo the ceiling up there so it has exposed beams #but i haven't decided how i wanna do that yet #in the most cost effective way possible #need to draw but i can't focus #i think i'm gonna redo the basement #and sort of do what i was doing in there in the apartment #as much as i like the stupid #church aesthetic of that space rn #i'll make like half of it a church and half of it just cozy #baby mode blogging #CONTEMPLATING #canon ilya spaces are all just like a pile of pillows in the corner and takeout on the floor lmao this is just personal vanity

[citrusitonit]

RANT !!!

i remember the people who caught up just as the shop was closing and we were having trouble bexause we had to turn the lights back on and get the keys again from the back and rearrange the boxes so they could see the display and they just kept saying "its just a littlw bother just bear with it" and didnt even give us the exact change we had to reopen the counter and cashier again and they just kept saying its "just a little bother and we can bear with it" i hope that every day they trip and crash on their face

#they always complain abt how we close too early SHUT UP #SORRY WE DONT OPEN UNTIL THE DEAD OF NIGJT LAURA #Its because we alr have our bags outside and every light is off and all the boxes are piled up inside #and they just come and say 'no no no open it i still have to get something' #we cant even say 'we' re closed' bc theyll still grab a product and put it on the counter #Ugh #it just made me angry at how the guy in specific #judt kept saying “whats the price of this whats the price of that” #and then when we asked if he could give the exact payment amount #bc otherwise we'd have to go all the way to the back just to get the keys again an unlock all the lights n doors #he just gave us awhole bill anyway #GAAHHHH #i hate it. #but wer'e low on sales #what can we do? #cant risk losing customers #even the other day ppl kept giving us like 1000 pper bills and we wer running out of change #and som lady got mad bc 'its our job' and why dont we have change #or smn #idk my coworker jus said #but shit bro it tires me out #i might sound selfish but like im also tired dude #i jusgt wanna go home and we'r bout to close but u still try to buy #bro wer'e CLOSED #then they get mad

[thethingything]

sometimes you just kind of realise that a lot of very ridiculous things are happening in your life but it's not like you can do anything about any of it so you're just sat scrolling through Tumblr and occasionally remembering that there is in fact a reason you have the stress levels of someone being hunted for sport

#personal #thoughts #🍬 post #vent post #<- kind of but honestly I'm more just like. what the fuck is going on in my life right now #anyway do you ever finally talk to someone about stuff that's been happening in your life #and suddenly get hit with the realisation that ''oh right yeah this would ruin most people's mental health'' #but there are several ongoing things all piled up that are all like that and you're suddenly very aware of why you're struggling so much #also for anyone wondering (because idk it might be relatable) this is fine to reblog if you want

[spinsterennui]

Going to have to drop this class 😂😭

#i wanted to finish my women’s studies certificate #but this class is nuuuuuuuuts #like the amount of work??!?! #bitch i do not have time for ten hours of effort for one class per week #like when a paper is due or w/e sure #but EVERY week? #🙄 #so disappointing bc it’s an online class and they’re so rare #but i have other shit to deal with #like the syllabus has i shit you not like 10 pages of just descriptions of all the little assignments #?!?!!! what the actual fuck #i mean yes i’m lazy but this is a bit much #it’s like they’re worried about legitimacy #so they just pile on work and requirements too shut people up #but like that doesn’t necessarily make it a good or bad class or department #it’s an arbitrary aspect idk #*to

[yourbleedingh3art]

Sometimes I just really don’t want to be spoken to and somebody speaks to me and I’m like

#and then I usually snap on them verbally w unnecessary venom in proportion to what was actually said #I hate when I succumb to this. the shame that follows is immediate #I know I want to be better #do better #all the time I am telling myself improve improve improve You have to #you have to Be better #sometimes I think I am being too harsh on myself and I think I should stop. then I worry I will never accomplish anything and I will get #lazy again. #the I realize negative reinforcement should be done away with entirely #in place of Positive reinforcement #but I’m like is that true? mahbe tough love is necessary sometimes Bc lessons learned w pain behind them usually sear you and internalize #maybe it’s like #a masochistic #self-torturing thought process #idk is it right to beat urself up Everytime u fuck up I feel like i have to cuz I’m like ohhh u just FUCKDD up get ready to eat crow #and I make myself eat the crow #that’s why when I’m already on my plate of crow and somebody tries to serve me up a second plate of crow I get so intensely angry like #u don’t even realize I’m already beating my own self up so bad and overthinking so much #don’t add to my pile of shit bruh #Ok I’m getting it all out I’m getting all my little angry hurt thoughts out it feels good #uploads #blog post