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trashlie · 25 days

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ILY FP 258

I can't believe we're actually passed episode 250 lmao I Love Yoo is truly the never ending story (affectionate). I appreciate how much of the story we really get to dig into at this pace and while I know a lot of people have long-since dropped it, I imagine the rest of us (those reading this post because why else are you here?) also appreciate it. And that's what is even more refreshing about this episode - if refreshing is even a word we can use to describe it. Getting the extra scenes from other characters, a look at their lives and from these glimpses, what we can glean in the unsaid between the lines.

Can you believe I used to prey on Kousuke's downfall? There's so many posts of me talking about him from a different view, believing that the only way he could grow and develop and make the changes necessary to make him a better person was for him to crash and burn, to fail so significantly that he would be forced to pen his eyes to reality. But here we are, me, fervently swaddling him up like a baby and shoving him into my pocket because GOD he needs to be protected.

I don't even remember when it was, that my view on him began to shift, when I went from "he's interesting but awful" to "GOD THIS IS MY SON AND I WILL FIGHT EVERYONE YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH ME" but.... lol there's no going back!

That's enough rambling, let's jump in.

There is something so painfully devastating about every time ILY confirms to us something we have long-since known or suspected through nuance, foreshadowing, reading between the lines, etc: That Kousuke isn't Rand's biological son, that Shinae was at the formal for Gun Kim, that Kousuke has been manipulated his whole life. Nothing in this episode regarding Kousuke is actually new to us. We have known, and talked about, for months and months long before the confirmation reveal that Yui drugs Kousuke - that he has been manipulated by her his entire life, that she orchestrated his life to manipulate him into situations she could take advantage of. It's the way she spoke about Rand's affair around Kousuke, the way she commodified Rand's love so Kousuke became convinced he'd never earned his father's love, the way she spoke of their family vs others and convinced him from such a young age that everyone was out to get them, to destroy them, and that he couldn't let them get close, couldn't let them near - and how Nol was very much a target planted in his mind.

But it's the fact that he is speaking of this and acknowledging it! Until now, Kousuke has heavily lived in denial. Again, we know this. We talk a lot about the chasm between reality and the reality he believes in. We talk a lot about how Kousuke couldn't face reality, even though on some level he knew everything he believed and was told was not quite true not quite real, but that he was so afraid of the truth, he couldn't do it. Kousuke admitting that he's been driven by fear and envy explains everything about him, and why he could not accept the only unwavering unconditional love he was offered.

A few weeks ago I saw a video on instagram of this father talking about a conversation he had with his daughter, who was feeling a little uncomfortable with her friend group. A new girl started to play with her and her best friend and she said she wasn't exactly jealous, but that maybe it was that she was afraid that there wasn't enough love to go around. Her dad had to explain to her that love is not like a pizza - it's not finite, a limited amount that could be taken and hogged by someone else. But Kousuke never learned this. His father's love was commodified and he was made to fear this other kid who he mistakenly believed knew a version of his father he'd never been privy to. He never learned that love is finite, that Rand could have enough love for the both of them, and feared that Nol would hog it all - that he WAS hogging it all because whether or not it was good or bad, Nol received more attention that Kousuke did. And that speaks VOLUMES about how Kousuke sees Rand, what he thinks of their relationship. In his mind, he is still unworthy, that he's not noteworthy enough.

This part gets to me so badly. We, as omniscient readers, know that Rand has tried his best, but that Yui runs a spectacular interference with which he can't compete, largely because of the roles their family have placed them in - Rand the busy businessman, Yui the mommy homemaker. But no matter how hard he tries, it isn't good enough. Rand tries to reach Kousuke, but the manipulation and paranoia are so far gone that the times Rand does have the chance to convey his feelings, Kousuke can't even believe it, because he thinks he's not good enough to deserve that love, that he hasn't fully qualified for it yet. And despite that, Nol, who Kousuke feels hasn't done half of what he has to deserve Rand's love, gets the attention. It doesn't matter that it's negative attention, that Rand barks at Nol, that Nol feels Rand hates and regrets him, because ultimately, it's still more than Kousuke receives. And worse, to him, every time Rand is busy reprimanding Nol, he turns away from Kousuke to do it.

I want to make it clear that this is a deep trauma point of Kousuke's. He's never learned healthy love and the only person who gave him healthy love was someone he was set to fear and fight. Something I think about a lot is the flashback to Kousuke, in the bushes, watching Nessa and Nol's display of warm affection, before Yui appears literally looming before him. In that moment, he witnesses something he's been deprived of. "We're not like other families"'. He's told from a young age he shouldn't compare himself to those healthy families, to warm and affectionate relationships that he will not cultivate in this household. From such a young age it is normalized, that they aren't like others, that they are cold and distant. From a young age, he's made to stuff down his feelings, his tender wants and desires, in order to earn them. To be a good little boy who makes his parents proud. To make his father look his way.

There's also something about the way he says "I've been a good boy" that echoes Shinae learning she's been manipulated by Yui, devastated and angry and yelling about how she's been a good girl so why do these things keep happening to her, all she wanted to do was help her dad. Two people who, from a young age, felt they had to be so obedient, so good, to not be a burden, and despite following the rules, despite doing as they were told, despite trying to be whatever version of "good" they believed in, the world still beat them up and mistreated them. The world still punished them.

As Rin in our discord server pointed out, though, to some degree, Kousuke is very much a person who can - and does - act out, when he's emotionally high-strung. He's a volatile man, and it's largely to do with the fact that he's been drugged to placate him for so long. He never learned emotional regulation, he never learned how to deal with high-stress situations or to face conflict or to own up to things. This is something that some readers who hate Kousuke and expect him to act a certain way because of his age are missing. You don't just learn these things with age. You learn them with experience and Kousuke was deprived of the opportunity TO have those experiences. He never had to learn these behaviors, and now as an adult he cannot function when overwhelmed.

Idk this whole episode is just heartbreaking. It's devastating. I remember when I was someone praying on Kousuke's downfall and now I want to take it all back ;___; I always believed he had to crash and burn to be able to see the world for what it really was and to face his fears, but this is somehow so much worse.

And even though he's drunk, I don't think he's going to forget all of this in the morning. Rather, I think what he's voicing are things that have been plaguing him since waking up in the hospital. From that moment, we saw him wary and distrustful of his mother, we saw his concern for Nol rising above everything else, but grappling with the understanding that he doesn't deserve to stand in front of Nol anymore. These aren't epiphanies coming to him just because he's drunk; it's more like he's only voicing them because he's drunk. But even when he sobers up, he will probably still be haunted by these fears, these agonies, these truths, this understanding.

How does he face his mother after this? How does he face anyone? He may not even feel like he can trust Jayce - who while very kind to him, is still employed by his family. He may not even feel like he can trust Hansuke (though I really hope that's not the case).

He's so miserable and it genuinely hurts to have him lay it all out for us - everything we've known and suspected, like how it was so painfully clear he WANTED Nol's friendship, their brotherhood, but feared it, didn't believe that there was enough love to go around, that there could only be one of them and that even if it was for good or bad reasons, Nol cast him in the shadow. And all these years, watching as Nol, as Yeonggi, grew into this person who sounded so very much like this unknown version of their father, someone funny who makes others laugh, someone goofy, someone so boyish in the ways Kousuke was never allowed to be. Watching as he gathers friends, while Kousuke, so unlikeable, is wanted only for his money, for his status, for the clout.

He doesn't even know WHO HE IS! Questioning his own traits he's believed of himself, wondering if this is even him, if these parts of him are real or does he just act it, say it, pretend it, while trying to fulfill a role he was shoved into. That makes me feel SO deeply sad, because it's something I've been anticipating for so long: Kousuke wondering WHO he really is, how much of him is real and how much of it is the result of manipulation.

And that moment that he catches himself and says no no that's offensive and rude you can't be like that. ;AAA;

For him to admit how much he envies others, how much he craves the kind of connection others have, the kind of family others have, to feel that love and warmth that he's been deprived of, forced to endure this solitude because, as he believes, he didn't get the good parts of Rand. And what will happen when he learns that Rand isn't his father? That he never stood a chance to inherit any of those traits. Kousuke has operated on this belief that, if he tries hard enough, he can earn the things he craves, but I fear learning about his parenthood will make him think that no matter how hard he tried, he would never earn that, because none of it was ever him, could have gone to him.

I think this is where Shinae, in the future, will come in. I feel so very strongly that she will be someone who helps Kousuke to see that this isn't true, that these kinds of personality traits aren't something inherited, but rather something learned. For him to one day realize it's the paralyzing fear that holds him back, not his genetics. Of course, I acknowledge this will still take a lot of therapy but...

Something else very remarkable to me is the way Kousuke recognizes Shinae in Shinhye, because their eyes "feel the same" and he opens up to her - on some level, whether or not he is consciously aware of it, Kousuke knows, or maybe just wants to, that he can trust Shinae. That she is someone who is safe. He even knows how she feels about his mother. I don't think we'll see a lot of Kousuke and Shinae's friendship until we're passed our timeskips, but it makes me feel a little hopeful about it, that she'll be able to reach him, because she feels like someone who is safe. It's the way he sees Nol in her and wants to try to have that do over, a relationship with someone who has unconditional love for him. It's the way he knows he mistreated Nol, that it was wrong, that he took it all out on this kid he was so afraid of because he had no other outlet, and he wants to do better but knows that there's nothing to salvage anymore.

But also, it just makes me hope more and more that in the future we WILL see a reconciliation between the brothers. As I say every time, it doesn't mean they have to become brothers or friends, but I just want them to see each other fully. Kousuke knows what he did to Nol. He doesn't deny it, even if he might not say it out loud unless he's drunk. But Nol is still so in the dark. Yujing is trying to tip him off and make him aware of it, but I hope one day when Nol realizes it, when he finds out that Kousuke, too, was Yui's victim, that he wasn't the only one, that Kousuke was made to fear Nol's love, he might.... understand. I'm saying understand here loosely because I don't want people to get the idea that I mean Nol will forgive him and Kousuke will be justified, but rather that Nol would be able to understand why Kousuke felt that way, and move on. But I can't help but hope that it will lead to an understanding, a reconciliation, where maybe they can try to be in each other's lives.

I think it's also interesting that Shinhye was somewhat honest, even if she wasn't very forthcoming, with Kousuke about her own family. It sounds like her mother has been gone for a long time, that she's been on her own the whole while, and I think it reinforces the idea that she believes both that Simhan is her father and that he rejected her, that he didn't want anything to do with her. It lines up, too, with how she feels that he wouldn't react well if he saw her (although I think she credited that to looking like their mother). In the same way that Shinae has felt abandoned and cast aside by their mother, Shinhye probably thinks their father never tried reach out, to find them, to maintain a relationship with her. Or perhaps it's that her mother fed her lies about him, made her believe him a different type of man, made her believe there would never be anything of their relationship to salvage. And given that she's the one who Kousuke opened to, it makes me think that there must be some kind of parallel there; the way she mentioned her own mother feels like maybe her mother, too, was a manipulative - or at the very least, dishonest - person.

I don't speculate a lot on Shinhye because frankly I don't think I know enough about her to really try to talk about her, but I do think that it's very likely there's some kind of connection between Shinhye and the Hirahras or Gun. To be clear, I don't believe she's working with Yui at all. I think it's more like... Alyssa isn't the only girl who has been trafficked by Gun. What's the likelihood that Shinae and Shinhye's mother was? Given her history, the gambling addiction that was so egregious her reputation haunted Shinae and chased her to a new neighborhood and school, was she seeking money somewhere else, somewhere more dangerous? Is that part of why they had to change their name? There's so many questions left about them, and I look forward to learning more about her, but, much like with Alyssa, I think it will take time and be dropped in little tidbits like this - things to read into and try to glean something from.

And maybe we'll see more of this duo in the future? It would feel a little weird to give them this one single run in, but I'm not entirely sure. Quimchee likes to keep us on our toes. After all, Minhyuk and Shinhye have also had only the one run in. Still, I think it would be interesting to watch, if Shinhye ever felt.... I want to say maybe compelled? to dig in more to Kousuke, ever feel a kind of kinship. I don't think she'll open up to him at all, but rather, maybe she'd keep going back because a. he's wealthy and there's more she can nick from him (assuming he doesn't realize she stole anything while in his apartment, if he even remembers any of this) and b. wanting to gather more intel.

Like I said though, she's hard to read so I don't want to cling too hard to any ideas and, instead, sit back and enjoy the show.

#ILY Brainrot #ILY FP #ILY Spoilers #I Love Yoo #Kousuke Hirahara #Shinhye #idk what to tag her as because we know she isn't known as Shinhye anymore #and because Simhan and their mother never married AND she was from a previous relationship Yoo isn't even her family name #so I can't really use Shinhye Yoo lol #alas #anyway this episode was DEVASTATING and quimchee said it's the beginning of the sad episodes meant to happen in March #literally said 'It's all downhill from here'#which I take to mean til the timeskip #BUCKLE UP BABIES WE'RE GOING FOR A BIG CRY SESH ;______;#i gotta say tho this episode didn't even make me cry - i guess because none of this is new and I've been bracing myself for it #Kousuke is so fucking wet cat it agonizes me ;_____;#I could write a whole essay on how Yui destroyed him and Nol in one fell swoop #i think a lot about precocious little Kousuke who tried so hard to be a good little boy and rushed through school because he wanted so badl #to hurry up and catch up to his father and join him in the workplace #all the opportunities he lost #the way he tried to fit himself into a personality a person he never picked out but just believed would get him what he wanted #he lost himself in the process #or maybe he never even got to know himself #i think too a lot about Kousuke who played piano and gave it up when he came to believe it wasn't important to his dad #that it didn't garner the attention and praise he seeked #so he dropped it to better mold himself into someone he thought Rand WOULD be proud of #FUCKING DEVASTATED #I'M GOING TO JUMP OFF THE ROOF SOBS

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honorhearted · 6 months

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TRY + Caleb. He NPCs a lot in Ben's threads so I think you could write him 'for real' :)

SEND TRY + A CHARACTER YOU’D LIKE TO SEE ME ( ATTEMPT ) TO WRITE ! / @therapardalis

Caleb knew his role in the ring. If he caved, if he cracked, then the whole damned tower of trust would topple. Benjamin was a stubborn arse who couldn't admit when he wasn't enough -- who couldn't admit that he needed help -- and he silently relied upon the whaler to be his anchor, his back-up, his foundation. But that foundation was rapidly starting to crumble.

Even now, he could still hear Simcoe's taunts; could taste the metallic spoils of blood in his mouth while the monster quite literally cut the bravado from his heart. Caleb had spent his entire life pretending: to be stronger, braver, cleverer; so the transition into spywork had been relatively easy. Only now, his mask was slipping. Now, he could only share with the world his weaknesses, his insecurities, and none of these could protect his friends. He would die before letting them down. He'd been willing to die, in fact, but with his unprecedented survival, there was no way of knowing -- none at all -- if he'd inadvertently handed them over for s.laughter.

"Caleb."

He didn't look up. "Aye?"

"Have you even been listening to me?" There was an unmistakable sharpness, an agitation to Benjamin's voice that sliced clean through his chest. "This matter with W.ashington is time sensitive. If we don't see things through-"

"We will," Caleb cut in, his voice hushed. He didn't know if he believed that anymore, but his mask resurfaced to conceal his doubts, if only to heed the cry of Benjamin's unspoken need of support. Benjamin was cold, prickly, tactless whenever upset, but Caleb knew how to handle him. He knew all of his friends better than his own soul, because he'd grown up always trying to please them. As the one who wasn't the smartest, the handsomest, or even the funniest, he'd always vowed to be the most reliable. Though the frightening part was, as he sat there trembling within the afternoon sun, with nary a natural chill to be found within the air, he was no longer certain that he could uphold this promise. He wanted to give up. He wanted to go home. Home, where his own family had become tainted with the memory of failing to keep his uncle safe.

Mouth dry, Caleb abruptly rose from his perch, opening and closing his scabby hands. "I...I've gotta go," he choked.

Benjamin finally turned to regard him, concern creasing his brow. "Where?" he asked. "I only just got here..."

"To my tent," he lied. You swore you'd never run, you coward. "Gotta sleep it off, y'know?" They're better off without you anyway. Can't get hurt if you're not here.

Unable to look Benjamin in the eye -- he never could lie to his friends -- the whaler fumblingly reached for his hat, then placed it upon his head. Just like the mask searing across his heart, he was at the very least able to hide from the scathing looks cast upon him through camp.

#therapardalis #try a character meme #//i always write caleb as the comic relief #so i wanted to try angsty/s4 caleb for a change!#thanks for sending! :3 #@ everyone: idk if i can do anymore of these cuz i'm wiped lol #anyway PENDING MARY SCENE TO THE RESCUE since her pep talk was what restored his sense *100 emoji*

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lexicog · 1 month

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traitor to the cause forgets national holiday every year KILL HIM

#just realized i wrote may instead of marsh lmao. fuck it #trans day of visibility #trans day of eating food #tdov #tdov 2024 #transgender day of visibility #trans #transgender #lgbt #gay #my art #another year eh #still in pretransition purgatory (get me tf out!!!)#idk man past year's been bad. last time i showered was july i'm goin 9 months strong 9 months weak 9 months decrepit #i manage to go through the motions with not much else in the way of progress. eat sleap shit piss rinse reuse recycle #trans day of eating food is shaky too this year. just found out yesterday i can't eat a snack anymore that i've liked since i was a kid #discovered a new love for green beans though. everything in balance #with my living situation getting more unsafe i've been thinking a lot about asking my neighbor if i can stay with him and his family #cause i don't like... see people other than them anymore so i don't know anyone else i can ask lol #and maybe i can get my shit together and start transitioning if i get out..... it's the least i need to do anyways #at least i gotta ask if he would be willing to oversee my funeral in the event of it cause i do nnnnot trust my next of kin with that shit #go watch youtube “Protecting Trans Bodies in Death” by Caitlin Doughty. contains important info for anyone really but #especially so for the titular transengendered individual #write your will... OK?#it doesn't have to be a bummer do it with a friend make it a girls night boys night hotties sleepover #death mention cw #wish i had more to say on the topic this year that wasn't a downer. i'll see what the next year holds #and hey... if a guy like me isn't giving up a motherfucker like you sure as hell shouldn't... adios & bon voyage my compatriots. SALUTE

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sarah-sandwich-writes · 3 months

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HOLD ON WAIT UP HOLD THE PHONE

I KNOW I WAS GONE FOR A FEW MONTHS THERE BUT HAS BLUE LIKE DON'T FORGET ABOUT ME ALWAYS BEEN A PART OF A SERIES OR IS THAT A NEW DEVELOPMENT???

I FEEL LIKE ITS CHRISTMAS ALL OVER AGAIN FUCK Y E A H

Okay so

I...

have been cooking

by which I mean illusions of grandeur and

schemes

And I have not been forthcoming lol Everyone kind of disappeared all at the same time so I kind of stopped talking about what I'm doing but I have been biding my time, quietly putting mechanisms into motion and plotting and occasionally cackling over my cauldron.

I finished the first draft of Blue like don't forget about me and didn't like it so I cut out all the sci-fi fantasy stuff (bye bye aliens farewell superpowers) and in November wrote a new first draft that's all contemporary romance babeee and I'm so in love with it I'm turning it into a little 3-part (possibly 4 if I can't control myself) series.

The original childhood years have been split off into a prequel novella called Red like my bleeding heart in your hand. Then Blue like don't forget about me will take place 20 years later. Nash works at Cherished Hope Nursing Home

“And what is it you do? At the nursing home, I mean.” I wipe shit off of old people. And Teddy’s a hockey player. What’s Luke, an underwear model? He shouldn’t have come.

Teddy comes back to town for a funeral and

Teddy looks at him for the first time in twenty years and every ounce of warmth leaves his expression. Message received. He should not have come.

OKAY SO AND THEN the next book will be Jo's POV and is called Violet like these delights. and MAYBE there will be a 4th from Luke's POV bc he gets to live this time by the grace of god (me) but it'll depend on how Violet goes (its current state is mostly vibes and a single overarching theme so, stand by).

Red needs a clean-up round of edits to snip out the few little threads that connected it to OG blue. And rewritten blue is basically done. I've done the major revisions and am about to start line edits and after those are done I'm sending it out to beta readers (lmk if you're interested).

There are concise actual summaries in my pinned post btw lol

WHICH REMINDS ME

The series title is Wildflowers of Deliverance. Which I'm extremely proud of. Did you notice did you notice how each title incorporates a wildflower did you did you? and the town they grew up in where Nash and Teddy first met is called Deliverance!!! It's okay I know I'm a genius.

And this brings us to the meal okay? because like I said I've been Cooking™ quietly but steadily for a few months now. ANd what have I been cooking? PLOTS and PLANS

I've decided on a pen name: Sarah B. Elisa

I've created a(nother) side blog for it that will be exclusively centered on my og writing and geared more toward readers rather than writers like this blog is: @sarahbe-writing

I'm going to create a website (as soon as I convince myself to spend money)

and a newsletter (as soon as I convince myself to spend money and do work)

I'm still waffling between trad publishing and DIY. I really like all my hats and it would be a shame to have to share them but oh my god I don't want to do all the marketing but trad pub seems hit or miss on how well they market you so I might get half of my hats taken away and still have to do the marketing bullshit UGH

anyway

OH YEAH and the OG draft I wrote for Blue? I'm going to spin it back to its OG OG roots [parkner, naturally--Return of The childhood friends to estranged almost lovers to super-powered rivals to reluctant allies to friends to lovers finally wip!!! AKA: We Were Gods (we were kids)] and that will fix all the things that went wrong and I didn't like 😌 so it's basically like double Christmas I think

#i have been #a tad reluctant to use the tag list #since because I scrapped the whole plot and genre and started over #feels like a teensie bit of a betrayal?#so idk i think i need to make a post (way fucking shorter than this one) and tag everyone and see who still wants to be tagged in stuff?#or maybe im close enough to the finish line i shouldn't do tag list stuff anymore? I'm kind of wary of oversharing bc #i totally did before #and the word count is smaller now #and there aren't like Plot Twists #it's a romance we all know how this is gonna end #so idk that's mostly why i've been quiet like haha what should i say and to who?#But anyway this weekend I'm going to get my shit together and put up some posts and get the ball rolling again #share some excerpts #get people excited #put out a call for beta and sensitivity readers #you know. work lol #also i missed you and i'm glad you're back <3333 #my notes were sooooo quiet lol #and i don't just mean on my writing stuff i love seeing all of your tags in my activity like Yay that's my friend!! And they're yellin!!!#we love to see it <3 #anyway #:)

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taegularities · 1 year

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hope you're all liking the epilogue and that you enjoyed the whole series in general. thank you for giving it so much love and support. can't wait to share more 🤍

#i'll be completely honest #you guys n the love you give are the reason why i'm still here #bc there are days and weeks when i.... don'tenjoytumblranymore #it's not bc of interaction or anything bc my god you guys talk to me so much ily :(#but tumblr has changed... the bts fandom has changed. the dash is literally EMPTY #it feels so different from when i joined back early 2021... everyone was so happy and loud back then #and so enthusiastic about writing too... like i still fkn love writing all i write #but the level of excitement about writing has changed.. it's why i try to take it slower these days #my god i used to have a schedule lmao could never today 💀#but yeah idk... sometimes im like... this isn't fun anymore and maybe it's time to give up #but that's exactly when y'all come thru and say something SUPER SWEET and i'm like.. wait ykw #i love this space.. it's still comfort and warmth #so yeah thank you for giving me hope and keeping me here you mean so much to me #the platform changes and sucks sometimes but you guys remain here and are as fucking kind as ever and #make this little community irreplaceable #i love you #and yeah. i just needed to get this off my chest bc it has been on my mind for rlly long #especially since those community labels butchered and changed interaction :/ like i just know the c&f family could've been #a lot bigger if not for the label on pt1.. could've really been one of the biggest stories around here but lol it is what it is !! the love #is overwhelming as it is so thank you <3 #okay that's way too long pls ignore me bye #tdl???

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kickassfu · 1 year

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For the wip: i’ll drive you home at the end of the night (cuz it sounds cute in a angsty way?)

Oh thank you!! I wasnt expecting anyone to play along lool

Interesting choice, because I'm literally writing it right now, and trying to finish it. So!!! This fic started literally with the title askjdsdjkf (it's a lyric I heard and went !!!!!!)

so i went back and forth between what I wanted to write with it, between steddie after a party where one of them is drunk? or sad? and steve pretending his car doesnt start so eddie offers him a ride?

one is def sadder, and the other one is funnier akdjksdf

until i figured out that i can just do both in the same fic LOL just two different nights. Start with the sad and end with the funnier/cuter one.

Also i started it yesterday. But I didnt like what i had so I scrapped it and restarted it :)

a lil sneak peek between the cut if you're interest~~ (i dont think you're into steddie so you might not be so askdjdskjf)

Eddie never thought there was any beauty in tears. Crying is dirty and messy, just a release of charged emotions. Nothing beautiful to it, another bodily function like any other really. If you see someone do it you either try and comfort them, or look away, ignore it and move on with your life.

So it’s more than a little bit surprising that Eddie cannot look away from Steve Harrington’s crying face. Silent tears falling down, down, down his beautifully pained face, traveling down his long, pale neck only to make a mess of his shirt.

Like a man bathed in holy water and moonlight and salt

Maybe Eddie shouldn’t want to lick his neck clean as much as he does, to consume Steve’s pain and turn it to pleasure.

#steddie #shana-rosee #ask game #mine #my writing #idk what i'm doing anymore LOL #as you can see #once again thank youuuuuuuu

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zukkaoru · 1 year

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[ID: a fic banner. the background is a photograph of a stage with closed red curtains, spotlights shining down in the top left corner, and silhouettes of heads along the bottom. the fic title is "dim that spotlight". beneath the title is "1.6k words [music note] gini [music note] rated g". /End ID]

dim that spotlight

“Nini?” She calls out into the dark prop room. She flicks the light on and looks around, but of course Nini is nowhere to be found. That would be too easy. She sighs and leans back against the wall. It had been EJ’s fault, of course, that Nini stormed off stage and promptly disappeared from the face of the earth. Gina would like to give EJ the benefit of the doubt and say he wasn’t trying to get under her skin, but there’s been a broiling feud between him and Nini since their short-lived relationship last summer. EJ probably hadn’t meant for Nini to vanish entirely, but that’s what had happened all the same. And until Nini is found and apologies are doled out, Gina will be placing the blame on his head.

nini runs off during a tech week rehearsal. gina finds her and they agree to face their fears of the future together.

🎭 read on ao3 🎭

#the real reason i'm posting this is bc i was playing around on canva and decided to figure out how it works #by making a banner for this fic #anyway. have some gini bc they're the best ship in this show fr. no i haven't watched past 2x01 #gini #hsmtmts #gina porter #nini salazar roberts #gina x nini #high school musical: the musical: the series #hsmtmts fanfic #grace's writing tag #idk what else to say. i know none of you follow me for this and i clearly wouldn't recommend this show since i never finished watching lol #s1 had a death grip on me freshman year of college tho i won't lie #idk what it was but these gay little theatre kids had me in a chokehold #and i still have very strong opinions that are probably not widely accepted anymore lol #anyway i'm done. back to the other fics and homework i need to work on

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imwritesometimes · 1 year

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really tiring of the vicious cycle of 'ok revisit source material to poke brain' -> 'ok scroll through own tag to poke brain harder' -> 'berate and belittle brain out of frustration cause poking isn't producing anything' -> 'frustration gets worse doubts get really loud stop poking brain as depresh sets in' -> 'boredom' -> 'maybe if I had an idea for a fic I wouldn't be so bored I should poke my brain into activity!' repeat ad nauseam

#in the last few weeks I have:#abandoned a wip that had over 16k words and talked myself out of writing 2 others #this is all WHILE I'm rewatching source material. while I'm in my own tags. while I'm revisiting my own fics from before.#idk what is wrong with my brain but baby she does not fckn work anymore!#I'm *still* thinking abt the din.cobb idea I got and I go from 'oh kinda cute premise maybe there could be something there'#to 'this is fuckin stupid and also it sounds like too much work to write I just won't do it'#idk why but *everything* feels like too much work to write rn #even just like... a scene. it's like ughhh but that's so much work.#so much easier to have the fleeting thought and then never think of it again and just play a game on my phone instead #and what's fucked up in one case is that I'm *still rewatching the source material*#and STILL I cannot make myself do anything past lol that would be funny dialogue write it down in phone notes #where it sits. and becomes nothing. for all eternity. love it.#erin explains it all

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bsaka7 · 2 years

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why have you written about max so much when you rank him so low on your most liked drivers list. like. he's your third most tagged characcter

because i used to like him/find him interesting and compelling and now i don't.... tastes change...

#I believe i have only written 3 fics with him this year #And one of them was for a friend #I think i wrote an explanation of why I don't really write fic about him anymore a while ago #But the gist is. I enjoyed watching him on the edge of 2021 and honestly. Crack under pressure.#I'm not as interested when hes just winning all the time #And the Piquet stuff and the Lewis stuff. I will say a lot of the drivers are shitty but it was just. Idk. I don't need this #also i think as I got deeper in fandom I figured out my own characterizations etc and those converge and diverge with other ppl as they do #Also cuz my friend who was into max isn't anymore. That too.#Just a lot of factors #Ask #Sorry im trying to treat this with... Some graciousness. I really do write what I want. And that changes.#As you can see by my ao3 over time lol

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born-to-lose · 2 years

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In my depressed era again <3

#for literally no reason ugh i hate it i hate it i hate it #probably a bad mix of overthinking and lovesickness again but what's new #i figured out why i like to do stuff until late at night until i fall asleep lol it's because i don't wanna be left alone with my thoughts #i guess that's why i could go such a long time without you know what... i always had lots of schoolwork to do and didn't have much time to-#-think about this kind of shit and once i don't have anything to do anymore i found myself in bed with a bleeding arm lmao #also let's call this my 'everyone i know hates me and my best friends despise me the most' era #still gonna stay up two more hours because i'm like a damn puppy who waits excitedly for their favorite person to come home from work #at this point i should maybe write all this shit in a diary but like. you know how my rambling posts start so y'all can just ignore #tldr i'm feeling like shit and i can't promise that i won't do something stupid again #i'm just too hung up on things that happened weeks ago but like what if it isn't actually ok now #also i know i'm too clingy and possessive with people i'm really close to but it's just my abandonment issues :(#and i know i fucked things up with other people (friendships and relationships) way too many times so i'm putting all i have into this one #still i feel like it's too much and too little at the same time idk i just Know when i really like someone and then i don't wanna lose them #but at the same time i often drive them away with my excessive love and attention because certain people are like some addiction to me #ok no that's too much already for now sorry #anyways i'm sobbing and shaking and feeling terrible and guilty #oh and unrelated but i nearly got run over by a car today 👍🏻 fucking hate drunk small town students in a mcd's parking lot #mel talks #tw self harm

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albonium · 1 year

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i have so much time off compared to what my life was like 2 weeks ago idk what to do with it to the point i have huge fomo i fear that i'm not enjoying it enough which leads to me not doing anything and making things worse

#i know i'm very priviledged etc to literally not have a job anymore (unless they take me back or i find something else in the meantime) and #i get to worry about not having enough fun during my unemployment period #i know #also it would be nice if i could concentrate for more than 5 minutes and write fucking useless cover letters #bc there's job offers for what i do rn and i just don't apply bc i can't write cover letters to save my life #even through i've done it before #i've written great letters that got me one of the best spot for my apprenticeship a couple of years ago #also i have great recommandations so i just ?????? should do something anything #but i can't !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#and im scared of fucking up bc as i feared i was diagnosed with adhd last month and i should be taking appointments with a special kind of #therapist to work on ways to deal with it #the psychiatrist said i could take a treatment too but idk i want to try without it first #BUT I CANT FIND A SPECIALIST THAT DEALS WITH ADULTS #and taht's when i actually remember to look for one #i ddin't do much for myself recently my grandpa is in the hospital and my grandma is alone at home needing 24/7 care but she didn't want an #so i had to arrange for someone coming over and getting it paid for with a social worker etc #aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah #also my parents are moving out of the house i grew up in lol

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moononastring · 2 years

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when are we gonna get the next smtb chapter?

I'm feeling unmotivated so I'm unsure.

#asks #I have some stuff going on in my personal life but also #people ask for fics and then don't interact with it so it's hard to stay motivated to want to post #grateful for the ones that do and I love them with ALL my heart #they're the only ones who keep me going!#but when the ratio of likes vs replies/reblogs is so unbalanced...it just doesn't feel great lol #People ask to be tagged then don't do anything with it so it just feels like a waste 😅#Maybe people feel out of love with it or aren't interested anymore and that's fine #I have a few anons that like to keep reminding me it ain't shit 😅#apparently it's neris in disguise or eris is not unhinged enough or there's no smut so it's not worth their time so that's nice LOL 🤷🏻‍♀️#I'm pretty disengaged with fandom as is so...idk!#I might just post what I have and call it quits until I feel like doing more #but again IDK #idk why I'm tag vomiting but something about putting thoughts in the tags is better than the actual post lmao #I hope this doesn't sound whiney but like creating things and posting it for the world is hard #and yeah we write for ourselves but we also write for people to engage with it lmao #I don't like this need for validation that comes with writing so I ick myself out because of it lmao #ANYWAYS. enough.#'nonnie

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trashlie · 2 years

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Thank you for answering my asks! I agree, Alyssa wanting to belong to something bigger to fill in a void of loneliness sounds like a better fit than simply being an attention seeker solely for the sake of validity.

I've been thinking of what will happen after Alyssa's bullying scandal is exposed and I'm starting to wonder if Shinae's bullying accusations will be brought up in tandem. Both girls covered in similar rumors and confronting a shared past, highlighting a key difference between them: true friendship. Which I hope is one of the possible or many catalysts for Alyssa.

No matter what reputation she gains in public, Shinae will be surrounded by her friends who genuinely know and support her. A full on Shinae Defense Squad! Meanwhile, Alyssa will have a fan base turning against her, except for the stans who have a parasocial relationship towards her.

So, what will Alyssa do when she's cornered again? Will she dig her heel in, clinging to all these strangers who only see her as an image, in a desperate attempt to not lose all she has left? Or will she realize all of her former friends are standing together while she has no one and have a wake up call? 1/2

You're totally welcome! I say it all the time but it's true: I get so excited that anyone wants to talk to me about this series and reads my really long, rambling thoughts lol. I'm always happy to answer asks and share my thoughts and ideas!

I'm putting the second half of your ask under the cut. While it's not totally spoilery, it still mentions FP content so we'll be safe and throw it all under the cut!

(This is a bit fast pass spoilery). Then what if the rumors of her sexuality come to light and they step in to protect her. Will she realize it then? What she truly lost was not fame? 2/2

So I, and many others, probably including you, have figured that if Alyssa has a big career-changing scandal, it will likely be about bullying allegations, because that's a big deal in Korea and it can really make or break someone's career, especially if it's true. But I won't lie - ep 196 made pause and wonder if it could be worse. Now, I'm going to straight up say, I really, really, really hope if it turns out Alyssa is, in fact, queer, I really hope she is not outed via a scandal, but also.... it would be one way to ruin her career, wouldn't it? It just doesn't sit well with me - I'd rather she get to embrace that herself one day than have it outed against her will. For that reason, I like to hope that it will be just bullying rumors.

Once upon a time, I had written about how I thought there was a possibility that if Alyssa's past came to light, Nol might see himself in her, but that was long before he finally talked to Shinae, so, lol I think that's all out the window! He's really been giving me whiplash this last year lol. That said, I've never considered if it would wind up involving Shinae. Part of me is inclined to think no, it wouldn't, because she's not the one who is in the limelight, but the more I think about it, the more I think it would at least involve her at the "local" level - whether it's just that someone slips up and says something, that the news reveals enough details to connect to Shinae, whether Alyssa herself actually names her. It certainly wouldn't be Alyssa's finest hour, that's for sure.

As always, I think these scenarios always depend on variable factors - like would Nol still be "dating" Alyssa at the time of the scandal, for instance. I still think there's an opportunity for Nol to see himself in Alyssa, especially because we still don't know what his altercation with Kousuke was like (was he provoked, was he cornered, was he acting out of malice or was it an accident?). I don't think it has to be either or, though, right? He can both see himself in Alyssa and what sympathize with what it's like to be painted as something you aren't, cornered into something you never meant to, while also acknowledging he is trying to be above all that - you know, supposing that's his choice. I still don't know if we are getting the antihero arc that everyone has anticipated for Nol, since I feel like the big emphasis on Shinae revealing to Nol how she mirrors him is meant to imply that he may try to find a way to leave all of that behind, and to be a version of himself that he chooses to be, as opposed to the one he's been painted as. But what I'm getting at is, I think there's yes the potential that while he could sympathize with Alyssa, he could also be part of a support system to Shinae, because humans are complex. But I think that could flip a switch for Alyssa.

Again, there's a lot of factors here, like... she and Nol have discussed the nature of their relationship, so there's no real expectation that he would take her side just because she's his girlfriend or anything, and they already have a lot of contention between them, but I think there's still room for to feel... I don't think betrayed is the right word because that's a little dramatic, but I think there's a lot of complicated emotions that could arise from that, right? Picture it from Alyssa's angle: she wound up wrapped up in something she never intended and was desperate trying to save face even though her choices were not the kindest, they were what she thought was right in the moment, and in the end she wound up hurting someone she (presumably) never intended to hurt, did something she never meant to do. And though she's not in love with Nol, and maybe they aren't even truly friends, wouldn't you feel some kind of complex feelings akin to betrayal for him to support the person directly involved with this? It's an interesting scenario and I DO like to hope it would make her think about true friendship. I can't say I'm confident it could make her reassess her approaches, but that's more because I cannot say I'm confident about anything Alyssa might do lol. In such a scenario, I'd hope she'd finally understand what it means to have a handful of people in your corner, rather than a lot of people who only care about one facet of you, a persona that may not even be real. In fact, I think this would be SUCH an interesting thing to explore, but I don't think we'll really get a chance to without adding 3 more years to the story lol, but isn't there something compelling in that kind of lonely story? Once again, this is a reason I've really come to love Alyssa as a character - there is SO MUCH that can be done with her!

I do think, though, you are right in that it needs to be more than just that fall from grace and finding herself alone - being juxtaposed against someone like Shinae who would have people supporting her, reassuring her. It's one of the best ways for her to really face that void she's trying to fill and finally understand what she really seeks.

Now, trying to tie this back into the sexuality, god, if done right, it could be so tender, couldn't it? I know I said I'm opposed to Alyssa being outed by someone else, because it doesn't sit right with me, and that's such a dangerous thing for someone if they are surrounded by people who don't support her, but also a story is not about the "right" choices because as we've learned lol in general, people do NOT make the right choices. So the idea of Alyssa being outed but defended by people who she doesn't have a good track record with, because they are, at heart, good people who think it's unfair to do that to someone, to reveal something so private before they are ready, makes me want to cry, frankly lol. For Alyssa, she'd be getting another taste of what she lost, of what she has willingly thrown away, and yes, I think that could actually do a good job of making her see that.

Ultimately a thought I have about most characters (and, frankly, people in general) is that often we have to go through something to change, or to finally see and face the ugly in ourselves, to address something we've been avoiding, to take on something we are running from. It is human nature to be so wrapped up in our own experiences that we forget others have experiences and biases of their own. For Nol to change, to be more honest with himself, he essentially had to "lose it all". To be fair, he sort of threw in the towel himself, decided to be exactly what he's been painted as and give up his efforts to try to have a better life - but that's still prompted by two points of "failure". He was a good person at the formal, tried to save a friend, and in the end he couldn't do it and she got hurt, plus the drug and assault charges. He was pushed to the brink and even when being a person who cars, even when being a good friend, it backfired. Likewise, it blew up his option to go away and escape, to attend his father's alma matter and not only prove to everyone he was more than they believed he was, but to find peace for a while. For him, he lost things because he dared to defy this life so he decided to concede, and in conceding he loses his escape, his chance to maybe make his father proud, and he lost his friends, because in his eyes he was not worthy of them and would only endanger them. Only then, after listening to Shinae's desperate attempts to lure him out, when lmao attacked by her cat, the final straw!!! Did he come out - and he had no intention of coming clean to Shinae, she just happened to overhear him!

I think it will be the same for Alyssa and Kousuke - that they cannot simply wake up and decide to change, or see themselves for what they are. They have to reach a point that forces them to contend with that. It's so easy to say "Why can't Alyssa just realize that fame is not the same as friendship", but someone who has conflated friendship with idolization isn't going to see it the same. Someone who has believed that popularity feels more secure cannot see that for themselves. Logically, she knows the love her fans have towards her is conditional. That's the whole point of that incident with the fans that spotted her out with Nol - even though Nol is right to tell them off for bothering her after she politely told them she can't take a picture, she also knows that fans will only give you their support as long as they like you. Refuse their whims and they'll take to the internet to trash you to anyone who will listen. She knows that's not real love, but it's all she has so she's clinging to it. What will prompt her to change, otherwise?

The more I ramble about this lol the more I think you are right: she has to see that hollow popularity foiled against true friendship, and maybe even be reminded of what it feels like, what it's like to be supported unconditionally. Even though I've repeated that I don't want her outed against her will, I cannot deny how much I would love to see at least Nol and Shinae try to protect her. I love the complexity of it - that they are both people she has hurt in some way, that she has used in some way, but could still be allies to her. Shinae has made it clear that her feelings about Alyssa are complex - that though she doesn't seem to hold a grudge, the weight of what transpired between them still weighs heavy on her and what she really wants is clarity, to clear the air and understand. There's something painful and messy about being defended by people you feel guilt and regret towards, especially as people who probably offered some of the truest friendship she's know. (I mean, I say this loosely because, again, Nol lol likely befriended Alyssa for his quest for absolution and while he didn't intend to truly be their friend, he still was a good friend to them?) I guess what I'm getting at is: I love those complex, nuanced kinds of events, where maybe they will never become friends again, but maybe the genuine act of defending her could be the thing that makes her want to be a better person, to form real friendships and be her honest self. I hope Alyssa sometimes thinks about the first friend she made in middle school, who thought everything about her that other kids might find weird was cool, and feels some kind of regret.

lol as always this has gone on a whole tangent that was not intended but also, as always, these kinds of asks get me thinking about a lot of things! Frankly, I do not know what to expect of the second half of ILY. I don't know where we will leave the story in the present, or what we'll be set up for then, but I hope that when we see the characters as adults, we may get to see more of that complexity, of exploring and overcoming the things that have been holding you back. Alyssa is an extremely unlikeable character for good reason, but I just can't help but want to continue to see her involved in a big way, you know? There's just something so COMPELLING about her relationships with everyone!

Now lol with all that said, I will fully acknowledge that I think there IS a good chance that Alyssa could dig her heels in, because as I've said before, it is very likely that not all characters will overcome their pasts. Again, we see it with grown adults every day of life - that we are shaped by experiences and by our willingness to learn and unlearn. Is Alyssa willing to let something go or would she decide to push back and fight it, to find a way to shift blame, which would only get netizens more fired up. I WANT Alyssa to make some non-shitty choices for once, but that doesn't mean that's the arc she's on lol. I would not be surprised in the least if she found a way to try to deflect lol. Just, yknow. A resigned sigh like yup that's her lol. Flawed people can die flawed without making attempts to change, and I don't want that for her but look, sometimes that's life.

Man, this took me so long to answer and I apologize! My brain has been running away all week ;_____; some days I can sit down and bang out a response, other days the words are all jumbled in my head and it feels like I have to make a game of stringing them together since I can't telepathically write my responses. But as always, thank you for this ask and indulging in my love of Not Great Women characters lmao

#I Love Yoo #ILY Spoilers #ILY FP #ILY Brainrot #Alyssa Cho #Shinae Yoo #this is really only semi related but i gotta say: every time i answer asks like this it makes me wish i was capable of writing fic lol #there's so many things i think would be fun to explore in characters in universe but i just don't have the brains to think about where i #think this story is going and where i could set them TO explore that #i would LOVE to explore Alyssa facing the loneliness of a life she doesn't love yknow?#i'm still convinced she's an idol only for some other reasons - that maybe she thought being a trainee would boost her popularity and she #never intended to actually debut but yui came along and pulled some strings and now she's stuck doing something she doesn't love and never #wanted? GOD. that there are kids who would KILL to be in her role and she feels like she was pushed into it when she didn't truly want it?#that she's been performing so long she doesn't know how to be herself or if her true self even exists anymore - if she ever did?#or that maybe writing and composing is the only time she feels truly in touch with what she wants #idk maybe she HAS come to love performing! she was so excited to perform their new song and so mad Nol ruined the night but also #that could just be because it was a song SHE wrote something that's close to her something more in tune with her and she was upset he #ruined the night because it was supposed to be her big moment and now it's forever tainted #(plus yknow despite the fake dating i think she liked that he attended the party because it made her feel like maybe they were friends #again. so finding out he didn't even want to be there that there was somewhere else he wanted to be MORE hurt because it meant she was not #his first choice. it meant her friendship didn't mean anything or matter you know?)#GOOOOOOOOD i miss being confident in my writing because it would be SO satisfying to explore I JUST. LOVE TO EXPLORE EMOTIONS esp for #things that may never come to be stories that may not be what is really being told you know?#anyway as always thanks for enjoying my extreme rambling lmao

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