#idk I'm going through some self-worth stuff right now

[vargamour]

Your worth is not measured by the love you receive. You still have value, even when you're alone

#vent art #kind of #idk I'm going through some self-worth stuff right now #dont have anyone i can talk to about it so i just #draw instead #🩸 #bpd #relationship stuff #favourite person #pixel art #mine

[taffywabbit]

idk if i'm way off the mark on this, but the way some people are responding to that Guillermo del Toro interview about the decline of studio animation is a bit frustrating to me. specifically the bit where he talks about "emoji animation" and how everything is over-animated and pushed too far and things are rarely allowed to not be ultra-cartoony (y'know, because animation always needs to be marketable to children who are never trusted to have attention spans, right?). like, i think he's generally correct about it! but some folks are taking the wrong message away from that.

i've seen people going off about how "soulless" and "corporate" various recent examples are, and talking about these pieces of media as though they're the result of some kind of personal failing or lack of skill/range on the part of the animators, and it's just like. do people realize that's the only animation you're usually allowed to DO in the industry, unless you get incredibly lucky and land yourself on a project/studio that's unusually cool?

when i was in college for animation it was literally drilled into us nonstop that everything had to be pushed more, that exaggeration was not a guideline or a sometimes-treat but a hard rule that always had to be applied regardless of what was going on, because the viewer couldn't be trusted to pick up on subtlety and we sure as hell couldn't be trusted to convey it. you ever wonder why there's such a specific vibe to a lot of self-directed student films, particularly ones that are focused on character acting/interaction or deep emotions and introspection (especially when there's minimal/no dialogue)? it's because for a lot of young animators, they haven't had the freedom to experiment with realism and subtlety up to that point and they're likely not going to have it again for a while (or at all, unless their career path leads to higher positions where they might have more creative direction over the things they work on. which also becomes a lot less likely if they're anything other than a cishet white dude, for what it's worth).

i would LOVE to see more nuanced, realistic, understated motion and acting in animation. i WANT more characters to be able to express what they're feeling through natural body language and facial cues and for scenes to allow me to breathe instead of spelling everything out in giant bold flashing text all the time. what del Toro wants to see changed in the animation industry sounds great, and i hope others join him in seeking to revamp what modern animation is allowed to be.

but as things currently stand, and as they've stood for a long while now, most artists doing the grunt work on the shows and movies you see are completely at the mercy of corporations and networks who have a vested interest in producing a very specific kind of marketable and cost-efficient media all the time. (and by extension that style is ALSO what's taught in most animation schools, because their job more than anything is to grind you down into a perfect little sweatshop worker who will bend over backwards to meet quotas and get your work approved and not question the higher-ups, even if you have little to no personal investment in the projects you're working on, so that the studios who employ you can maintain their good reputations or whatever)

anyways idk what my point was here, this really just sorta became a rant and my views have undoubtedly been coloured by my own personal experiences (this kinda shit is largely why i dropped out before my last year of animation school, for the record).

i guess just be kind to folks in the animation industry? they've had it fucking rough nonstop for well over a century (the majority of them are still not unionized and there's HUGE pushback against doing so in many places). i assure you they are doing their best to infuse the latest uninspired illumination flick or weird spinoff kids' show with literally any amount of soul they can. you don't have to like the stuff that gets produced by any means! be a hater! i'm certainly not gonna stop you. just remember where these creative decisions come from and why these conditions exist, and consider that when YOU watched something and thought "hmm that could've been done better", you can bet your ass someone actually working on it probably thought the same thing but couldn't do anything about it. these things WILL change as the industry itself improves, but in the meantime folks have to pay their rent, and that usually means doing what they're told and working in a way that will minimize revisions and meet quotas so they can keep their jobs. it sucks, but it is what it is.

#buny text #long post #animation #i don't have a rant tag because i don't necessarily want to encourage myself to make posts like this frequently #but this is obviously a touchy subject that's close to home for me and it felt important to get it out #i realize i am on the Getting Super Mad At People Who Make Popular Media website so hopefully this does not bite me in the ass

[queenendless]

🚚Moving Day (Adult!SatoSugu x Fem!Reader)🚚

A/N: Also from my Curses Love book on Wattpad.

This AU has them both as teachers at Tokyo JJ High, you can see curses, you're in a poly relationship with them. IMPLIED MATURE THEMES INSIDE!

For those that have been reading and liking these shorts, thank you. S2 is back and of course I'm a wreck. Also want a Gojo, Geto, Nanami, Toji, Sukuna x Reader gang bang ... idk how I'll write one cause drawing in general is hard for me now.

Credit for the characters/series goes to Gege sensei. I own nada but this show and these two own my soul!😫😭🤧

* Please DON'T plagarize, translate, repost my FANFIC content. Reblog, like, and follow instead.

I hope you enjoy.

"Uh, Y/n-chan, you're certain you can carry all that by yourself?"

"My stuff. My concern." You struggled speaking as your form struggled carrying those big boxes of yours in your arms; breathing deeply through your nostrils to keep your focus despite your knees quivering. '"I - I'm fine!"

Suguru sighed before snapping his fingers. Several of his curses floated amok and carried the boxes right out of your arms in time before you plopped forward from the imbalance, only to be pulled back flushing your back against Geto's front.

"Honey, it's alright. Satoru and I can handle the rest of your things. You shouldn't be pushing yourself too hard on your first day here."

"I'm sorry. I'm just ... nervous. This is all new to me ... but I still want to help at least."

Geto hummed, nodding in understanding, before kissing you tenderly on the forehead, smiling calmly. "Well thank you love. Having you living with us now is worth all the effort."

"In that case," You grabbed your duffle bag of stuff with ease, smiling, "I'll handle this."

The giddy stride of the oldest of you three popped up in the living room archway, swaying his smart phone about. "Suguru~! I was thinking we get sushi to celebrate Y/n-chan living with us now~! Sushi Go is my top choice, of course! Ginza, here we come – !"

"Satoru. Unpacking first. Eat later. Remember?" Suguru groaned.

"Eh?! Who paid to have all Y/n-chan's stuff packed and moved here in the first place? At least my family's fortune has some good use in this case." Gojo wearily spoke when his family gets brought up. "Anyhow ..."

Gojo swept Geto in one arm and you in the other with such ease, cheeriness immediately taking over. "House tour time~!!!"

Geto's exasperated smile and your giggling self at Gojo's boundless energy gave him that extra burst in his step while giving you the tour of every place in your shared private home nestled in suburbia. "Living room for binge time and cuddles, kitchen where Suguru will stuff our faces with such goodness, pool for soaking antics, hot tub for burning passion –!"

"We get the picture, Satoru." Geto's flushed, smug grinning face at the commentary had Gojo snickering, nodding his head in your direction.

"I don't know~ Looks to me our darling Y/n-chan is tongue tied right now~" Gojo chuckled lightly as you couldn't look at either of them at the moment.

"Not because of you, for sure." Geto snorted.

"Eh?" Gojo's smug ass bubble popped, following Geto's finger pointing at what enraptured you.

Setting you down gently, letting you slip away from his grasp, both men watched with affectionate smiles as you slid the glass doors aside to step out onto the back patio to see up close.

Your eyes sparkled in childlike wonder at seeing how expansive the back yards were. Lots of stone pathways, different oriented trees planted all over, rolling hills teeming with so many blooming flowers, and a view of the mountains in the distance. "Wow," You breathed out in mesmerized wonderment.

Feeling an arm drape around you, you were pulled flush against Geto's side. "This is yours, love."

"That's right. It's all ours." You both yelped as you were both now carried easily under Gojo's arms; wrapped around your waists and hanging like luggage. "And finally, last but far from least~!"

"Satoru, we can walk just fine, you know." Geto sighed, a bit peeved but mostly willing to let his lover's antics continue.

"The best room of them all!" Him kicking down the door helped enunciate the importance of this room; startling you and furthering Geto's bewildered amusement, "Our love making suite~!"

You squealed as he threw you to the bed, springing up at the bouncy, comfy master bed that was quite big for you three. Geto was thrown in after you on one side before Gojo belly flopped to the other, entrapping you in a cocoon of their arms, their enriching laughter mingling with their beautifully smiling faces turned you on hard.

The burning realization had you hiding your flustered self against the sheets.

"See~?! Now that's hot and bothered if I ever saw it~!" Gojo swooned, turning to his side as he one armed you from behind. "Makes me wanna kiss you so bad~" He heatedly breathed in your ear, cheekily grinning at your soft pleased mewl.

Geto smirked knowingly, laying on his side with his cheek resting in the palm of his propped-up arm, singing, "Toru~ About that lesson plan for the first years you said you'd draft up by today?"

"Ehhh~? Hands on practice will do just fine, Sugu~ Kinda like what we'll all be doing later tonight ... or right now~ Whaddaya say, sweetie~?" Gojo hummed as he gently grabbed your shoulder and flipped you to lay on your back.

"Can I at least unpack my duffle bag first?" You had to ask, hugging said bag to your chest. Geto's snorting face and Gojo's jaw slacked expression made you feel so dumbfounded as you tried sitting up while unzipping your bag. "And what about sushi~?" You whined, pouting.

Geto chuckled lightly, kissing you to cheer you up, winking at you both. "Unpack, eat, then smash. Kay, Toru~?"

Gojo dramatically sighed, collapsing in mock defeat. "Fine~! You're lucky I love you both." His own pout was wiped away instantly as you leaned down to peck his lips, too quick and short to his liking, as he sat up and watched you putting away the rest of your things around the room with Geto cuddling up beside him as he watched right along.

They wouldn't admit it out loud but they were both feeling grateful to share their personal private lives not just with each other, but also with you; their third partner.

A regular turned recent curse seer that just happened to work as a Window at Jujutsu Tech; their turf, only to bump into them both in passing ... the rest is history.

Seeing you finally put your bag away in your shared giant closet had them both glomp you from behind, smirking widely as they both had their own cheek to chew on and smooch to their liking and your giggling self.

Yep, living with the strongest sorcerer pair will be quite the treat.

#jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen au #jujutsu kaisen gojo #jujutsu kaisen geto #satosugu #gojo satoru x reader #geto suguru x reader #satosugu x reader #geto suguru #gojo satoru #jujutsu kaisen fanfic #jujutsu kaisen fluff #implied smut #implied sex #jjk fanfiction #jjk fanfic #jjk au #jjk gojo #jjk geto #gojo x reader #geto x reader #gojo satoru x geto suguru #polyamory #gojo satoru x you #geto suguru x you #gojo satoru x y/n #geto suguru x y/n #jjk x reader #jjk #jjk reader

[hypergamiss]

Hey, I wanted to ask advice from you since there isn't anyone else I can ask this. I've never been in a relationship before because I always wanted this very ideal kinda man who's driven and knows his worth but is in love w me and spoils me but in a healthy way. Now I'm in college and I'm really lonely. I figured if I wanted to be surrounded by better (high value) people, I would have to be one of them. But now I'm lonely and not sure if I can actually make it. I actually hang around people but guys are immature and girls kinda look down on me (it's like "I'm with you so I feel better about myself" or because I'm always smiling and child-like in my attitude which could be considered charming but I feel like since I'm not really physically attractive they think I'm some sort of clown or smth). I'm no one's favorite/special person and no one is mine, but when I try to get close to someone, I can quickly tell they think I'm disposable. So I stay away. And I don't know if I'm doing things right. I'm studying business stuff so making friends and having a social circle you belong in is very important, but I can't indulge in activities I don't like or be friends with people I find boring. I do talk w people, but I wouldn't call them friends.

Maybe it's because I feel I don't deserve it in some way. And I hate it when people try to gaslight others by saying they're pretty or that they just need makeup and skincare to glow. Sure, for some people that might work, but I'd rather see it as it is so I can actually look better. I do invest in self care (mentally and physically), like skincare and haircare and hygiene and whatnot, so it's not like I'm not trying, but I don't think that would boost my attractiveness. I mean I'm naturally skinny and I don't have acne problems, my actual problem is that I have an underbite, meaning I'll need surgery+braces to fix, which is very hard when you don't have the means to pay for it. I don't think I'll be able to afford it anytime soon so I try to work hard so I can afford it later, but it's hard to keep going when I feel like this (thinking maybe I won't be able to make it cuz I'm not attractive enough). I guess I started believing that I'll stay unattractive for now and for a long time too.

When I went through your blog (esp this post) I figured I shouldn't settle for less, but do I deserve better? Idk. It's just hard to work hard and believe that I can do better when I know I can't, and I don't wanna gaslight myself in believing otherwise so I can actually fix it, but the only thing that could fix it is too expensive for me and idk what to do

You are not wrong or crazy for having standards. But you do need to be realistic about the type of man that you are willing to settle for. You're talking about the 1%. This is a good and ideal person to save your energy for. But you're in college. Men your age are simply not able to give you the life you want right now. Think about how you are still trying to get your own life together at the moment. He may come to you now or some years down the road. As long as you make room for him, he will come. But you can't rush something that is still being developed. This is also why age gaps exist. Some women are ready to settle but the type of man they want is certainly not in their 20s. You also have to be realistic about being lonely. That is a part of waiting for someone who is worth it. Yes, being lonely can suck, but there is also beauty in learning how to enjoy your own company and having your own life outside of a partner. Don't gaslight yourself into thinking you don't deserve something simply because it is not happening fast enough. If being an exceptional human being was easy, everyone would do it. But naturally, the road less taken is lonelier. I think what you're doing at the moment is perfect, your are focused on improving on what you can control and that's simply the best thing you can do. I advise you to write in your journal about what your ideal life would look like and come back to it to read it when you feel discouraged so that you envision yourself at your end goal.

#hypergamous lifestyle #heaux advice #heaux tips #heauxheauxheaux #heauxlife #hypergamy #level up #high maintenance #spoiled heaux #spoiled gf

[kaddyssammlung]

SH-related Sleep Token lyrics part 3 (last part)

Part 1 Part 2

TW: SH (you know me...I get graphic every now and then)

Chokehold

“I come as a blade”

For some reason this makes me think about a sword rather then a razor blade. But it could also be a razor blade. Makes not much sense but it fits.

“So you keep me sharp and test my worth in blood”

This is a weird one. It makes me ask questions that I don't want to know the answers to.

“even if it hurts me”

It just fits and also I already talked about how I used to just not feel much anyway. So that pain from self-harm was just a reminder that I was still here.

The Summoning

“I've got a blood trail, red in the blue”

I never noticed how often he uses the word “blood” until today.

“You've got my body, flesh and bone”

It makes me think about things. But I don't want this to get too graphic.

Granite

“Reason dislocates”

Oh yes. I did not know why I was doing what I was doing. Even in therapy when I was asked “why do you do this?”. I was like “I don't know”. I really did not know or just was not aware of it. And also when you are constantly hungover you don't really think about stuff like that.

Why did I pick up something sharp to hurt myself?! I don't really remember.

Since I'm a total adrenaline junky maybe it I was curious in the first place and then I liked it and got addicted to it. Idk....My memory is so damn bad.

“And you'll never have to talk about it You'll never wanna talk about it”

True. But my friend (BPD obsession...fave person type of friend) forced me to talk to someone. She dragged me to the school's psychologist. She was more or less a teacher but she actually had a degree in psychology. You could go to her and talk to her. So I was dragged there. Of course that did not go well. And also to this day I'm convinced that she told my parents about my self-harm. I was so damn cautious but yet one day they found out.

Whatever. It was a long time ago.

I can totally understand my friend back then because she was just concerned.

Aqua Regia

“cutting through the darkness, bouncing off the walls”

At least it's not cutting in the darkness......no he cuts through the darkness. That's just so much better and not hinting at something at all. I'm sarcastic today.

Well the dark times really do change you. All of them made me stronger. But going through them did leave scars.

“following a blood trail”

Oh well...blood stains are hard to remove. Idk what he means. Another one that I just put in here because he mentions blood again.

And there goes another one:

“cold love, hot blood”

How about hot love and cold blood?! Makes me think about those horses...idk how they are called in English. Coldblood?! Idk

Cold love as in there is no love coming back from someone but he is hot for them? It's like having a crush on a straight women or something like that. Well...wrong topic.

Vore

“My life is torn, my bones, they bleed”

I feel this line.

To me this is just an expression of being completely exhausted and having reached an end. Rien ne va plus. He is done. I get that. I felt like that so many times but it took a lot to turn that damn ship around and really get better.

“Are you in pain like I am?”

Idk Vessel. I self-harmed also. We share that but other then that I just don't know because of all the speculation. There is not much we know for sure.

Ascensionism

“'Cause anything's better then the way I feel right now”

I think we all get that and maybe know that feeling?

It's just that cutting yourself is not the answer and neither is starving yourself or drinking too much.

“Rose gold chains, ripped lace, cut glass”

Does he mean glass that is broken or does glass mean something else? I mean there are substances that you kind of lay out on a mirror. Whatever.

Cut glass fits the vibe of this so it gets to stay.

“Blood stains on the collar means just don't ask”

I wonder how they got there. Maybe from the substances?

Reminds of being scared of bleed through something without noticing it and then someone sees it.

Are You Really Okay?

Yes, I am. That's why I feel strong enough to write this.

“I was trying to hold back the darkness”

Reminds me of my mother's reaction when she found out about my self-harm. That “Oh My God....what happened? Why are you doing this? What's wrong?” So many questions but at that time I had no answers. Maybe I should write a bit more of how childhood trauma (CPTSD) leads to addiction. I felt horrible and there was a reason for that and yes it had something to do with the way I grew up.

“You woke me up one night dripping crimson on the carpet”

This sucked me in, into the lore. I wanted to know what the word crimson meant. I had to look it up and then I wanted know who was dripping crimson. At the time when Take Me Back To Eden was released I had not really looked at much photos of the band or Vessel. But it's these lines that made me search through the lyrics like I was crazy and also through photos. I found what I was looking for. Kind of.....

“Cutting deeper than the scars could run”

I still have this tied to a suicide attempt that maybe took place. Because when you are dead then there are no more scars. But that's all I'm going to say about this. It's just so sad but I can understand that.

I should also mention:

“I cannot fix your wounds this time”

“Please don't hurt yourself again”

The Appariton

“I wake up to a suicide frenzy”

I don't even want to think about this one.

“This wound will never heal”

I kind of get that. But it seems like this is more a metaphorical wound.

“It just split what's left of the burning silence”

What was that with burnt skin again...?! Burning cathedrals....This dude amazes me more and more with the endless connections. But I don't really get this line.

Do You Wish That You Loved Me?

“Or do you push into constant aching?”

Pouring salt into the wounds?! I actually did that.

“Can you ever forgive? (Yourself)

The guilt thing again. We are all guilty of something. That makes me joke. There are some things that I have not brought up yet. But I'm kind of...idk. Some things are too much. Or are still too much. But yes I know what it's like to feel so guilty and you need to hurt yourself so can deal with those feelings.

“Maybe not that you conceal your feelings, they just don't exist”

I was lectured by a therapist once about not knowing the answer to how I feel. When I'm dissociated then I don't know how I feel. The point of dissociation is to keep me save from difficult emotions. None of my therapists ever noticed how dissociated I was.

I already mentioned that not being able to feel or being dissociated was one of the reasons behind my self-harm.

Rain

“It's that chemical cut that I can get down with”

Because Aqua Regia is used to dissolve stuff? And you stopped visiting Sleep? Or it's something that's like “noFap” which is common among spiritual humans and others? Or an actual cut?! Idk what to do with this one. But I had to put it in here.

Take Me Back To Eden

“Bleed through spaces”

Hospital after “crimson on the carpet”?! Idk. Too much and don't want to think about certain things.

I don't really have anything attached to this.

“Reset my patient violence”

patient or a patient.....let's leave it with that....

“I spit blood when I wake up”

So have I. But it was the worst hangover that I ever had. Other than that it's just in here because of the word blood again.

“I dangle in like cold cuts”

Being trapped in hospital is not nice. Time stands still and there is nothing much you can do. It felt like that in psychiatry and it also felt like that when woke up in hospital one day.

“No amount of self-sought fury will bring back the glory of innocence”

I have this tied to something different but I don't want to bring this up here....this breaks my heart actually.

You can see self-harm as some sort of self-sought fury. At least kind of. When you just don't know how to deal with things in a more healthy way then it's more of a strategy to survive. Even when it does seem like it. But it often felt like that for me.

Euclid

“I play along with the life signs anyway Hope to God you don't know this feeling”

I know this feeling, Vessel. I just do. Suicidal ideation is probably the best term to describe it.

#sleep token #sleep token lyrics #tw sh

[leggyre]

You got any adivce for someone who's considering dropping drawing completely since they don't like what they're making at all?

honestly i've been in the same struggle recently bc it just hasn't been a good year for me. i haven't been drawing a lot bc most of the time i'm either sick or i just.. can't. I've been picking myself up as of late and it's a really difficult grind, but honestly the fact i've been able to actually start this grind is already good for now. I guess that counts as advice; be patient with yourself. Self-esteem doesn't come easy and the little steps are worth so much more than you think.

ok so uh,

-if you just started, don't think about it too much. we all start with the weird scribbles. if you stop now you might never get back to it -if you've been trying to doodle often and always end up hating the result, just take a break. art block is seasoning for burnout and you might just be tired. a lot of times i've felt bad about my art i kinda "gave up" for a while and when i came back to it it was like "wtf this easy what was my issue (it was burnout)". so take a break, play some videogames or hang out with your friends for a week. idk write essays about the media you like? it feels like you're being unproductive but resting IS part of productive because just pushing yourself will just result in nothing being done at the end of the day. -look at your favorite work! im not quite out of my latest artblock yet because its a tough one(it's been teaming up with depression caused by health problems it suuuuucks :/), but when i went long enough without being able to draw I kinda started feeling like I can't do shit and can't call myself an illustrator at all specially bc what i do isnt that big of a deal compared to others(<- comparison also big mistake remember youre the only one who can make YOUR art), going through my folders and seeing the stuff I like the most gave me a LOT of motivation to keep going, even if I was still unable to start drawing right away. not giving up is so important. -so yeah love your art. focus on drawing things you like because it's a gift from you to you, and you should treat it as such. i know it's really hard to be positive about it all the time but it can be really good to go through all your artwork at the end of a day and look at the things you like about it, even if it isn't much. -on that note, find something you really like drawing!!! back in high school i had massive periods of depression that kept me from drawing but i occasionally found sort of a 'life hack' for myself which were things i was always able to work with even during the worst times. one of them was just.. bees. i just doodled random characters as these bees and made og designs too and it was fun. the other one was using colored pencils instead of a regular one bc i just like colors and it made me happy :] it didnt matter that they always had the same overall shape or if i couldnt erase when i messed up, i was just feeling good being able to draw something that i liked. -experiment more!! expand your palettes and download some new brushes. i even change from my newest to my old busted tablet that still sorta works occasionally because using a tool that feels different is.. refreshing somehow? idk -when you need to get yourself back up, do the little steps at your own pace. do a little doodle every day. it's okay if it's always the same thing. the same character. the exact same idea. it's okay if it sucks or if it's unfinished because you struggled. Just give it little pushes. What matters is to try. and it's okay if you can't do it every day. maybe every other day if you need a slower pace. -and remember. engagement doesn't measure your skill. art is subjective anyways!!!!! i spent YEARS doodling and posting only my ocs and getting little to no notes. i think one of my favorite artworks from the time i had ~100 followers had like 0 notes for the longest time. to be honest i don't even know if it has any likes at all nowadays i'd have to look it up bc it's a bit buried

#ask the leg

[thedreadvampy]

I had a conversation on Friday night that's really got me mad about some stuff but I have tried to gently bring this kind of thing up directly and it never goes well but I am gonna vent it here for when I start feeling like I'm going insane/being a bitch.

this is anarchist infighting babes xoxoxo

Why are people who grew up rich Like That?

Now I to some degree include myself in the category of People Who Grew Up Rich. I had some shit in my youth but one struggle I never had was being a child in a financially precarious home. I never worried about going hungry. I never was at any risk of homelessness. Have I been homeless, hungry and otherwise precarious since then? Yes, but I have a baseline of knowing what security feels like, and I have a network of people who do have money to fall back on. And I have the confidence and education and class-specific social knowledge that comes with that so even if I'm poor I'm still middle class socially.

Both based on observation and statistics, I think it's pretty clear that economic precarity in childhood is one of the most potent single things that impact your lifelong wellbeing. Being precarious as an adult is traumatic and miserable and awful but it isn't the same as having precarity as your baseline state.

However there's a certain ahhhhhh subset of Anarchists From Upper Middle Class Backgrounds who might recognise that intellectually but who act. As if being from a wealthy background is irrelevant to their current life. And it's not.

Like ok this is where I get bitchy. But moving in anarchist and activity circles see how there's often people who seem to be counting up traumas and operations they face specifically as a reason why you should listen to them? and they often seem to count "childhood trauma" and "childhood trauma and precarity" as the same single point? like "oh you had a bad childhood I had a bad childhood we've both been there."

but no! no we haven't both been there! they're not the same experience! childhood poverty is its own enormous and far-reaching trauma, and it not only doesn't lessen the impact of traumas that can happen to anyone (eg CSA, DV, parental addiction, loss of a loved one), it lessens the space people have to deal with those traumas, both emotionally and practically.

And that's not to say If You're Middle Class You Have No Problems because obviously you do. like. I didn't deal with financial precarity in my childhood and adolescence but I did deal with a lot of instability, violence and abuse throughout. and that's significant and worth giving space to. but like many of my friends were dealing with similar stuff at a similar age AND with the far-reaching trauma of poverty (and other systemic traumas like racism and xenophobia)

and like it's not productive or helpful imo to start the Who Suffered Most competition interpersonally. trauma-as-currency is a plague.

buuuut. with the types of person I'm thinking about THEY'LL be the ones implicitly or explicitly bringing it up, either in a "you have to be nice to me bc I've experienced XYZ" way or, even more obnoxiously, an "I own and know the most about X bc I experienced XYZ". Like this sense of ownership and this idea that your experience of X is everyone's experience of X seems to me to most often come from usually white but always upper middle class activists, who are maybe poor now but were very financially stable growing up.

It gives you. A certain confidence. Growing up rich or well-off. And that can be really useful - definitely sometimes the people most able to just bulldoze through beaurocracy and Get It Done in confronting authority are these folks bc a gift and a curse of being raised in classes higher up the ladder is a lessened fear of authority, an assumption of your own rights and knowledge, and a certain self-assurance. even if you're also a neurotic mess personally, idk how to describe it but I'm positive you've seen it - an upper class upbringing brings with it a type of confidence that's almost entirely separate from who you are as a person, it's like an aura, it's baked into you like your accent. it's a specific texture of entitlement and self-assurance and it can be REALLY USEFUL but it can also be. really really really damaging.

When you grow up rich, however bad shit is at home or in your life, you are taught to understand certain things as your right - you expect to be worth listening to (at least by anyone not more powerful than you), you expect to know what you're talking about, and you expect your life to be valued by others (if not by everyone or by yourself, but by strangers).

You can shake it consciously, and it can be knocked around and come into conflict with other trauma, but it sticks with you when you're born into power - when you're raised rich (or white, or a man, or not overtly disabled). It follows you through poverty and trauma - it's baked in early on. and that's not in and of itself a bad thing, it's just a Thing - class affects your behaviour and self-image, like most systemic social constructs. And again it doesn't mean your struggles are less real - your trauma is still traumatic, your anxiety and self-esteem are still fucked up - but it does affect power dynamics.

People who are raised rich are more sure of ourselves, and almost always more immediately able to assert ourselves, our ideas and our wants than we would be if we had grown up poor. And we kind of need to be aware of that because otherwise what happens a lot of the time is a domination of space, and a dismissal of other people's knowledge and experiences because they're less assertive about them than us.

and I'm so fucking sick of it because what it super often looks like is a combination of people going "I have to get what I want because praxis because radical self-care because I'm saaaaaad. You can't tell me no or tell me off because I'm struggling" and going "We have to do what I want because I'm right. Because I have the most knowledge and experience of this thing and I know you've experienced it too but you're wrong about what you experienced."

like (and here's where I've got SURE gone bitchy) there's this really common Type of anarchist who's super involved and super activisty and also their trauma is always the biggest trauma. their ideas are always the only ideas. anything they did that hurt others was justified by their mental illness or stress or lack of knowledge and anything others did that hurt them was twice as bad because of the fact they're So Marginalised. they need people to go easy out of their comfort zone to help them because things are So Hard but they can't offer help that's inconvenient to them because things are So Hard. They're in charge of every protest and they decide who's allowed to protest because they're allowed to Protect Their Boundaries. When someone crosses their unspoken boundaries it is unforgivable but when they repeatedly willfully ignore other people's boundaries it's because they weren't clearly stated enough.

and the thing I'm saying is. the thing I have noticed about this specific type of Anarchist Guy. is in my experience they're literally always from a wealthy background. they may be utterly fucked for cash and homeless now, and that's a real experience they have every right to be scared and vulnerable about and speak to, but they have always had a childhood and adolescence where money wasn't a concern.

poverty is always a traumatic and marginalising experience. but you don't forget the assurance and entitlement you learn if you're raised rich. becoming poor isn't the same as being raised poor. the default assumptions of what's possible and your own importance are different.

and a) I think we need to be really mindful and self-aware about the types of confidence and self-assurance that we might have got from childhood and adolescent privilege, even if we don't have it now. and also b) I fucking hate when people are That Guy and I have like 6 That Guys in my social circle right now and it drives me insane bc it's utterly impossible to get through to them about it bc ppl end up in such denial of the ways being financially stable as a child produces privilege over those who don't.

like I am thinking of a friend (private school, Oxbridge, academia, family own their home, clearly bad but financially well off childhood) who explicitly and repeatedly believes themselves to have meaningfully the same background (or maybe Worse Trauma) as people who were financially supporting their families from 14, people who spent their childhoods seriously housing insecure and spreading food out across the month, and people who grew up in social housing with a disabled single parent. IT'S NOT THE SAME.

I know it's not the same, and while we're both posh I'm WAY less posh than this friend, but that matters a LOT less than that I'm way MORE posh than any of the other people I mentioned and that does affect things! I don't have the experience of precarity! My mum was a very frugal and money-conscious parent but we had the money, even if we weren't spending it, in a crisis it was there! We were never going to become homeless as a family. We were never going to starve. If things were unsurvivable as they were - ceiling falls in, black mould, boiler broken - we could fix it! Our experiences of childhood instability, mine and this friend's, are of relational emotional and physical lack of safety - people around us cause us harm or can't be trusted or need looking after. But the other friends have that plus the emotional, physical and existential lack of safety that is poverty. That's not the same! It's not at all the same background!

and sometimes it's like. the flipside to class reductionism is class erasure. They think we're from the same background as the people who grew up poor bc we're white, we're queer, we're neurodivergent, we're trauma survivors, we're afab, we're whatever else. but stuff like poverty, lack of educational opportunity, social exclusion on the basis of class - those things just don't register. They're unknown knowns - they're the stuff that we take for granted, we tend to assume everyone who's like us in terms of race, gender and ability was basically financially stable in childhood, finished school and went to university, is treated as we're treated by police and authorities, etc.

Writ large, what this looks like is politicians claiming that £82k a year is basically poverty and genuinely making policy on the belief that when people say they're poor it means "can't afford to do everything I want" not "can't afford to live"

But writ small, what this means is that often the loudest voices leading communities of people who've Been Through It - the people who get their way - are people who think that their experience as raised-rich is exactly the same as the experience of the raised-poor. At worst we get Common People cosplayers who you never find out actually have a trust fund and an allowance but even before that. like.

Anarchist spaces, both organising and social spaces, are full of people who are legit struggling, who say at the good words and think all the good things, but who are fundamentally so entirely blind to the power that a middle class upbringing (particularly but not exclusively a white middle class upbringing) has given them that they just plough right through other people bc they assume they're on an even keel. The assumptions we make about people's confidence and assertion based on what's normal for us often takes a really familiar shape where one person's needs consistently take precedence over anyone else's.

and like. All of us deserve to have our needs met. Your needs aren't less important because you're middle class, or white, or straight, or cis, or male, or whatever else. The problem is when it's always one person's needs and never the people around them.

when somebody who's used to having a safety net falls down, people who are used to having to buckle down and do the impossible bc nobody else will pick them up, will pick them up. when somebody else falls down, people who are used to having a safety net see that picking them up is impossible and don't because they haven't got the experience of Having To Do The Impossible. when somebody who's comfortable asserting their needs assumes that all needs are vocally asserted, people who are used to subsuming their needs, not talking about them and dealing with them solo do not get their needs met. and when this carries on consistently across multiple relationships and multiple years, we got a problem.

And specifically part of the problem I think in anarchist circles is that born-wealthy anarchists are a lot more likely to be heavily socialising with born-poor friends, whereas if you buy into the class system you are likely to mostly hang out with other people who ARE actually from a similar economic background and so ARE likely to assert themselves in the same way you assert yourself.

This is why it's so important to not leave abolitionist relationships with power structures at rejecting or refusing them. As much as we should abolish class, racial, gender etc hierarchies, we have to engage with the world as it is. We can't just divest ourselves of hierarchies by wanting to - we have to actually engage and keep engaging with the ways that hierarchy continues to exist inside us. However poor I am, I still was raised middle class. However antiracist I am, I am still white. However aware of gender I am, I am still cis. That's going to affect the relationships I have with people who have different experiences.

but too many middle class anarchists imk talk a big game about class solidarity but ultimately consider themselves working class by choice. but you can't choose how you're raised. and ignoring the privilege of financial stability in childhood leaves you with enormous blind spots on how you treat others and how you recreate those power dynamics.

doesn't mean middle class people can't or shouldn't be anarchists. lots of us are. but for the love of fuck we need to make sure we're aware of the huge and lasting impact that different childhood economic experiences have on who we are as adults. even if we're down and out now, socially we remain middle class. and that gives us power beyond how we're seen - it's a power in how we act and how comfortable we are asserting ourselves over others.

and I'm so fucking sick of seeing it tbh. and I'm so sick of how shitty it makes a lot of friend group dynamics where a few culturally middle class people dominate every decision and take precedence in every discussion of need.

#red said #brain dump sorry lads I'm in my feelings about some stuff that's built up for years

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

cw: csa mention

looking for advice regarding therapy + rambling a lot idk if it even makes sense

how exactly do you go on about therapy when there might be something to solve but it's just crumbs of something bigger? i'm a csa survivor (just saying that feels like an exaggeration given how well i'm doing) but right now i'm not dealing with "the big haunting survivor stuff". i just know i'm not at my best regarding that but the impact is so minor and i tend to emotionally detach so much that speaking about it makes me feel like i'm using my victimhood to get something i don't need (like if someone got into a plane crash and just got a small cut but ultimately went through the same crash as the person who lost a limb). what i mean is csa is such a big thing but what i'm dealing with isn't. and i don't want to have to describe a huge plane crash when i really just need to slap a bandaid on my wound? if that makes any sense??

i honestly feel so embarrassed. i know ultimately things could be better but i opened up to one person already and i feel so bad for talking. i feel like i always have to make it very clear that while what happens sounds bad it really isn't serious and idk how to ever talk about abuse with it being just too serious compared to how it affected me. and i feel embarrassed going to therapy for something so small that i'm not sure i'd be able to properly describe. ultimately it puts me in a position of wanting to feel worse or wanting something worse to happen to me so that it makes more sense to talk about.

last thing is: i genuinely feel so ugly and insecure that i just feel like it strips me of my victimhood. whenever i wanna speak up about what happened to me i feel the urge to just show a picture of my child self, because while i at least looked small and worthy of some pity regarding what happened back then, right now i just feel so pathetic that i want to just laugh at my own self. like i'm seriously too disgusting to complain about anything tragic happening to me. i feel like the pathetic guy in cartoons that goes through awful stuff to make the audience laugh, zero sympathy just pointing and laughing.

wow okay sorry that was a wordy mess.

– three dots anon

Hi three dots,

It's okay if what happened to you doesn't affect you a lot. But it's important to respect the pain that does exist. Regardless of how much it impacts you, you're still a CSA survivor. The analogy you gave about the plane crash is really interesting, and I think it actually ties into your experience. Because no matter what kind of injury you sustain from a plane crash, it doesn't change the fact that it can be equally traumatizing to the man who lost a limb and the man who got a little cut.

Trauma isn't defined by what happened, but by how we respond to it psychologically. The man who lost his limb may not actually be that affected by it, and the man who got cut may be severely traumatized. Things like genetic factors, the environment you were raised in, the support you have, can all affect your resilience - your ability to cope with stressful events, and that looks different for everyone. So it's not really fair to objectively define what counts as trauma.

This is something I say a lot, and I never get tired of saying it because I know it needs to be said more. Our society encourages comparing your trauma to those who've "had it worse" or that things like rape is "the worst" trauma. But none of these sentiments actually address, center, or heal the pain you endured - instead they minimize your experiences. In reality, your experiences do matter, they are significant, and they're worth honoring. But being raised in a culture that says the opposite makes it hard to internalize this.

Another thing society likes to encourage is trauma olympics, like competing for who has it "worst". But I think what people don't realize is, as a trauma survivor and as an abuse survivor, healing from your experiences means reaching a point where you are living a happy and fulfilling life. And I think with society's sentiments, reaching that point almost feels like you're gaslighting yourself, as if what happened to you wasn't traumatizing, awful, hurtful, whatever describing word feels natural. It can be so dangerous to feel the need to indulge and wallow in the pain of trauma just to feel like you're a valid survivor (this is my problem too). I've personally found that healing means allowing honoring the pain and moving forward to coexist. Reminds me of the quote "I want it back so I drag its dead weight forward."

I can understand that disconnect between your current self and your child self that endured the trauma. And while it's not like you're still a child, that child is you. I think sometimes the internally-directed shame and disgust around validating your experiences can stem from self-gaslighting or self victim-blaming, which often work hand-in-hand.

I hope that you can find the answers, closure, and healing you seek through therapy. If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #tw abuse #tw child abuse #tw sa #tw csa #tw r #tw emotional abuse #three dots anon #three dots

[luminalightsverse]

12 Days Of Christmas Day 12

.... Tumblr gave to me:

@zia-zia-bo-bia @there-is-another-skywalker @104th-plo-koon / @kaijusplotch @captain-tyrannosaurus @ginger-jedi-twink @passcode-8-1-0-8 @104commanderwolffe @its-cody-not-kote @kaos-and-order @ct3113official @ct3107 @badbatchsmolbean @lady-sith-of-darkness @jiabeewrites

Okay, wow idk where to beginn with. This one will be a little different then my other posts. I want to use this not to just tell you how awesome you guys are and how much I love every single one of you. But I also want to use this to just thank you. Because I wanted to do this the whole time now but didn't really knew how to do it right.

Sorry if I write anything wrong. English isn't my native language and I'm just gonna write as i think it's right.

So let's start.....

You guys have no idea how thankful I am that I found you here on tumblr. I really love wirting with you guys and I really love all our rps. It's always so much fun to write with you etc. Every single one of you is so awesome and even if we don't know us for that long I already took all of you into my heart.

I was struggeling for a long time if I really should do an rp account because I didn't had anyone to write with and I was to scared and to shy to ask anyone. I thought no one would like Oona anyway. I mean why should anyone like her? There's not much to like, love about her or even be interessted in her. Then to see you guys just accepted me and Oona into your group just like that without me having to really ask makes me so happy. Also when Teddy asked if she could use Oona for her story.... I was just like wow.... wait what really? My heart really skiped a beat.

And most of all how you people always treat Oona. You have no idea how much this means to me and how often I went AAAAAWWW or got teary eyes because of you.

I already told Teddy a bit about what's behind Oona. What her reason is that I have her as an Oc. Long story short I had a really fucked up life and childhood where I never really felt welcomed anywhere and stuff and I always used and still use some of my Oc's and stories as coping mechanism etc. for everything that happened and is still happening. And Oona was one of those Oc's. I already have her since I was around idk 7-9 or something like that.

So more precisely Oona is supposed to be my childhood self and my inner child she's supposed to somehow represent me. That's why Oona's still so young. She represents my former me, my present me and most of all my inner child and the child I once was. Oona represents everything I went through and or still going through and also everything that keeps me busy in my life.

That's why I get really emotional so often to see how you people are treating and just accepting her. That's why I'm so thankful for everything you guys are giving her. So thankful of how you always protect her and are there for her. Because this is what I always wished to have when I was younger. To be accepted, to be protected, to be just loved.

And I'm so kriffing thankful to every single one of you for that. That you give her everything that I never really could have back then when I was a child.

Fuck I'm getting really emotional now 😅

Anyway....

I'm just so happy to see Oona getting all this love from you and to know that everything that happened back then wasn't my fault. I was just among stupid people, among the wrong kind of people who didn't saw my worth. Because fuck it I deserve it! Because Oona is me and I'm Oona. And when Oona is able to get this love from others then so am I.

PS: @jiabeewrites I really printed out your little poem you once send Oona and hung it up. At that moment I really felt like trash and broken, just worthless. So to read your poem really made me cry like a little baby because it remembered me that this was right. Just because I'm broken dosen't mean I'm worthless.

Someone's trash is someone else's treasure. So remembere even if you guys are trash to someone, for me you all are a treasure!

So from the bottom of my heart. Thank you!

Thank you so dame much for everything. I love you all so much.

And with this emotional letter I wish you all a very beautiful christmas time and everything good in this world.

#12 days of christmas #day 12 #star wars blog #star wars #christmas challenge #christmas special #it's time for love #you are loved

[sophia-sol]

Some Desperate Glory, by Emily Tesh

A future sci-fi story about what it means to have grown up in a radical militaristic doomsday cult in space - it does an amazing job of writing something incredibly readable from the pov of a horrible person. Kyr was raised to believe in the cult's values wholeheartedly so she is awful but she cares so MUCH about the things she believes in, and is so sure she's doing the right things, that the reader is drawn in anyway.

I loved seeing Kyr's slow development and change as she's exposed to other worldviews, and exposed to an increased ability to access her own emotions about the things she experienced in her cult, which she had walled herself off from because she couldn't let herself think about things that would cause so much cognitive dissonance for her. She grows and changes and learns new things, and stays essentially herself at the same time - but a version of herself where the things about her that make her such a dangerous and scary and unlikeable soldier now make her someone who's worth admiring. Kyr has various skills and strengths and weaknesses, and they stay the same whether she's using them on behalf of the cult or working against its power.

Kyr's growth reminded me some of Alexios from Frontier Wolf, about learning over the course of the book how to make decisions as a leader but but this time doing it right. And Kyr's disconnection from her own emotion reminded me of Shen Qingqiu from The Scum Villain's Self-Saving System - the complete inability to notice her own romantic interest in another person, despite that interest being embarrassingly obvious to everyone around her who knows her.

I adored the fraught sometimes-friendship between Cleo and Kyr, and the complicated sibling dynamics between Mags and Kyr, and whatever the fuck was going on with Avi, and with Yiso. And I loved that multiple characters were textually queer, and it was important, and it was important to them, and also it wasn't like….more important than other things or other relationships.

It's a book about choices being important, and about the ability to make interpersonal connections to other people and to care about them, even if they're very different from you, being important. And how sometimes understanding and trust can be more important than liking or love! And that it's never too late to decide to act!

There was one thing I wasn't entirely sure about in the book though. It does a thing where due to stuff we don't need to explore at this juncture, we go through multiple versions of the universe where certain key events happen differently, with one of the big ones being the time when the aliens destroyed Earth and killed the vast majority of humans. And I'm not sure how I feel about how the least-bad option was apparently to return to a version of reality where most of humanity had been massacred.

Like, I do think it's important where we saw that alternate universe where humans winning led to the subjugation of all the alien species. But then following that up with the Wisdom deciding that that was actually a worse future…..idk. Like, I get it watsonianly, but doylistically it reads a little too much like the narrative is saying that humans are simply not to be trusted to have any actual power in the universe. Which seems awfully pessimistic for a book that's otherwise about how if you give people the opportunity to understand the universe from different viewpoints they can learn to make different and better choices.

#some desperate glory #emily tesh #book thoughts

[blocksruinedme]

Okay so this is what I decided not to post on an ask about Jimmy's namemc skin spoiler

but then left some of the text there!!!!! Incredibly embarassing! so now that i've accidentally put part of this out... here you go.

Scar loves Buff Scar, right? We all love Buff Scar. But I get emotional about the buff scar skin, for bummer reasons??? I would up talking about Buff Scar on the ask post and it turned into me finally writing out thoughts I've been having about myself and my health and... what I feel when I think about Scar? I say I "have health issues" and I have no looked up any definitions of "disabled" and idk that I do... physically it's mostly chronic pain and bad GI stuff (seeing a new specialist next week!)

But this personal and it's kinda heavy and I wasn't sure if I was going to post this, and it's... talking about another person's health while talking about my own, so I'm going to put this behind a cut. I don't want this thrown in anyone's face, and I think it's the most vulnerable thing I've posted on this account. And the first time I've ever turned off reblog.

I often get weirdly emotional about buff Scar, cause that image? That is something he must have have and lost. From hearing about his swimming career as a kid/teen, fuck. My dude would have been BUFF in the chest and arms and also shirtless a ton.

He was only 16 when he first got sick, I had thought it was 18 for some reason. It's nothing compared to Scar's situation, but I have a lot of health issues and... I don't think I project, I emphasize but it's more, idk that it's representation but maybe a little, honestly I don't know what it is, but I expected hearing him talk about his stuff hits different for me than most people who are fully able bodied. It just does stuff to me.

I watched part 2 of his imp & skizz podcast recently, and it's the most I've ever heard Scar talk about himself. People can get really weird when talking/thinking about other people's health, and I don't want to be doing that, but it was very emotional to listen to him talk about his dreams and plans that his health got in the way of. It's not like I'm in a wheelchair, but there's a really major thing in my life I can't do because of my health and I'm grieving it still. It's only been two years, and I'm doing my fucking best to not dwell and live the life I can have instead, but fuck. It's genuinely a really big deal (that I am not at all ready to talk about outside close friends.)

mood shift! i wrote this out of order and i'll cry if i keep dwelling on it.

A friend told a little anecdote about people (lovingly) commenting on Scar's choices about health and his creative work, and I did not react as they expected. I go (internally) ballistic when people say that kind of thing to me, like how I shouldn't write if I have a bad pain day?? Do not tell me how to manage my pain! This is my life and my body and you can never understand it, I barely can. I do not want to be infantilized, ever, but especially when it comes to managing the parts of my life that suck the most. Sometimes we take risks with our health because we decide it's worth it, because you have to have joy in life, not just life. Every time I get in the car I'm risking my life, y'know? If writing gets me through pain, that's what it does! And that's not even risky. (I spent 6 hours in the ER working on "whatcha gonna do?" because i was going to go insane sitting there waiting to find out if I had a stroke (i didn't)).

So we people with ill health have to figure out how to balance things. There's no "I'll wait till I'm healthy to do that", it's not like we're got a stomach virus. Everything is a compromise. If someone wants to finish uploading a video before they go to the hospital, maybe it's because of an skewed life/work balance, or maybe they're putting their self worth in places-some-people-would-call-wrong, or maybe they just don't want to worry about the fucking video and get the joy of "i've just put up a thing" while going off into a shit situation. I don't know! You don't know! "Put your health first" is pretty complicated, actually, when your health is *never* going to be "good" and there's too many options and you can't know what might work. People will sometimes hear something that's going on and say "are you going to go to the doctor?" and it's like... I can't go to my pcp everytime something like this happens cause then I'll be in all the damn time. It's not worth it. I am getting some kind of medical care every week.

When I went to the ER... so I had a really weird episode that might have been a migraine but the symptoms didn't quite match up with the general list and were concerning. All the symptoms went away after I laid down. I eventually got convinced to go to the ER to get checked out - and then, do I run out the fucking door in my workout clothes? Do I pack up stuff I want to have? Do I do that but also take ten minutes to eat something? What's the right choice? In the end everything was fine, but I'm always happy to get some clean imaging to have in my file. (in this case, brain mri and brain ct scan, w/ & w/o contact. the mri tech said i should get a frequent customer punch card when i said it was my 5th time in that mri. lost my shit. it's been <1/year but still.)

Scar talked about how early on they were chasing the cure and then you get to the point where... doesn't look like there's going to be a cure, this is fucking forever, and it fucking sucks. A friend just got that yesterday with a chronic fatigue syndrome diagnosis, and... now they know this is it. I'm still chasing a cure, or a way to keep things in remission, with my god damn gut biome. My current GI MD said "this is all i can do" and for some reason I let that stay? I never would have let a friend just give up - but I wasn't thinking of it that way. It is SO HARD to go and advocate for more medical care when you have so many things going on.

To be super clear i 100% think of myself as "barely in chronic pain" and "not really chronically ill" and "definitely not disabled".

Anything can become normal. For good, for ill, for weird.

Anything can become normal.

#me #no reblog #but if for some reason you really want to share some of this text talk to me

[hiruzensux]

Hiruzen x Enma size difference issue (bc i'm horny and have no self control)

(under a cut bc vague to semi-graphic descriptions of sex (and related injury at the end there))

Just thinking abt these two and how they can fuck without Hiruzen dying / suffering permanent injury, because I think they're up against some anatomical challenges.

(Apparently i couldn't decide whether this was supposed to be a logistical analysis, a joke, or just horny.txt, so... apologies for the tone fluctuations throughout)

It’s safe enough if it's Hiruzen in the penetrative role + Enma receiving, but i don’t know if that’s going to be quite enough for Enma? i think Hiruzen is reasonably well-endowed in relation to the rest of his body, but he’s a pretty small guy, and Enma is... Large™️. I’m not usually especially into fisting but that might be the only thing for it here

re: Hiruzen's ass: Enma’s fingers look like a pretty satisfying size but i’ve seen his nails and i have Concerns lmao

But there’s plenty of other stuff they can do besides penetration...

There’s always handjobs; Hiruzen using both hands, Enma using... idk a few fingers?

Oral is an option, but i’m honestly not sure Hiruzen could get his mouth around it; mostly just a lot of licking while, again, his hands do most of the work

Frotting is size-difference-friendly. I’m sure intercrural is a big hit with them too (Hiruzen seems like he's got fuckable thighs)

You know, I bet they could actually do both at once; Enma can be behind him and Hiruzen squeezing him between his thighs and if they angle it right, Enma's dick is big enough to slide through with enough length leftover to rub against Hiruzen's with each thrust (and can you imagine how that must look from Hiruzen's POV? or fuck, EITHER POV — Enma can just lean forward and see everything over Hiruzen's shoulder, bc he's fucking huge)

...Honestly though, i don’t think Hiruzen would be able to resist the challenge; that enormous cock haunts his dreams and calls to him in a language his ass can’t ignore

Hiruzen on top just dripping with lube, hovering over that towering erection (freshly doused in its own bottle’s worth) trying to spread himself open as much as he can

Enma’s like “You don’t have to do this...” but in his mind's eye Hiruzen sees Kagami's face and he's just like “Yes. I do.” and just sits on it

it takes a minute or so of sitting on it; shifting around, trying to get that huge head into that tiny hole before it finally goes in and oh fuck that tearing feeling can’t mean anything good but it’s just so tight and full and it’s really too late to turn back now—

neither of them last even 10 thrusts before they both cum

...and hopefully it was worth it bc now Hiruzen gets to decide whether he's going to Danzō, Biwako, Tobirama, or just to the general hospital to explain, crying, that he needs emergency suturing INSIDE his ass bc he was having inappropriate relations with his summon and was actually horny and stupid enough to try to take his massive monkey cock

#hiruzen sarutobi #sarutobi hiruzen #monkey king enma #hiruzen x enma #size difference #my post #GOD i need to draw them #if you're reading this. i'm sorry #apparently i ALSO couldn't decide whether i was writing a list or a narrative #this happens a lot i feel like... maybe i should invent my own special cursed format: the Listrative™️ #the comfortable informal shape of the list meets the immersive storytelling of the narrative #some bulletpoints are chronological #some are not #freedom from the tyranny of end punctuation (except when i put it there anyway) #capitalization consistency? we don't know her #anyway listen. times are tough and i'm lacking in postworthy thoughts #so in these troubled times i've elected to lower my standards #( #bet you didn't know i had those huh? #me neither #i actually thought i'd done away with those long ago #but ​i guess they somehow grew back? #absolutely typical My Brain behavior #) #if tumblr deletes my read more one more time... #well. i don't actually have a threat for this. but >:(

[cishetamine]

gremlins (1984) letterboxd review (crossposted)

This is a terrible movie. Why?

Well, someone in it says “mangy curr” unironically, which admittedly is kind of camp. But check out the rest of the dialogue:

re: ppl being depressed on christmas: “While everyone else is opening up their presents, some people are opening up their wrists”

the part where the science teacher is explaining pupation to the kid like “it might look dormant, but inside it’s going through changes” and the kid is like “Like my mother,” as in MENOPAUSE

basically whoever they hired as the script doctor for this deserves a Razzy.

astonishing that this movie contains a white woman who wants to do unspeakable things to this kid’s dog !!! like holy shit i believe the rumors now .. no like actually did they realize what they were writing………

although it’s maybe bad that she doesn’t respect The Spirit Of Christmas(jewish-coded ?) & lives alone weigh a bunch of cats(lesbian-coded; possibly acephobic ?)

I want to know what age demographic this is targeted at. Which i guess i could find out by looking up the film rating—ah, PG-13, but like, ppl apparently criticized it at the time for being too graphic for the kids at whom its sense of humor appears aimed. so i guess it makes sense that i was also confused!

Also wait this is making me wonder. Did kids used to just go to the movie theaters by themselves when they were younger than 13?? Bc i thought the purpose of 'PG-13' was "u gotta be older than 13 to see it without an adult".

But what kids were even seeing movies without adults before they could drive in most of the US in the 1980s?? idk i wasn't alive then but i assume most ppl had to drive to the movies——ok maybe SOME ppl lived in walkable cities……i guess the stranger things kids could've biked, but then again they aren't real, so.

anyway, right, gremlins. The sequence where the Designated Hottie describes how her dad died is hilarious bc it's trying to be sad but the way he dies is——ok no u have to like pull up a clip on youtube bc it's definitely not worth seeing this whole movie over. Like i would bet $5 that it's on the tvtropes page for Narm.

Note btw that the great thing about making bets about whether something is on tvtropes is that i literally can't lose bc if it's not there already then i could jus make an account & add it there. Although in a way, me making a tvtropes account would be a much larger loss for my sense of self-respect

Also i'm still mad that i got tricked into watching a christmas movie bc normally i would not be into that!! except i didn't know it was a christmas movie!!! damnit!!

Found myself thinking, like, "You know, in a cronenberg film, the gremlins would escape & eventually spread to blanket the whole country & then the world! Like in scanners or the brood or videodrome—or, indeed, in plenty of other horror movies—especially those that anticipate a sequel! Like that one version of little shop of horrors before they changed the ending, or uh, presumably various zombie movies, i think. How does invasion of the body snatchers end again? Or uhh, the original The Blob?"

& i think that kinda describes my relationship to cronenberg as a director, i think?? like, i don't his movies are necessarily Super Great or My Favorites or whatnot—but they definitely have affected me enough that i keep thinking about him & about them & about his particular authorial sensibility, even if i disagree with decisions he's made!

which i think basically encapsulates my relationship w/ any Art that's influenced me significantly. Like there's not much stuff that i'm like "WOW i LOVE this this is PERFECT IN EVERY WAY"—it's more about "omg even where this book/painting/musical/opera may be flawed, can we please talk abt whether you think those are actual flaws or not, & u think they actually add to the story. Please please pretty please"

Also—the colors/lighting in this made me yearn sooooo hard for the days when EVERYTHING was shot on film. fuuuuuck. Like, this has a bunch of dark scenes that are lit almost more like a b&w chiaroscuro noir film rather than a color movie—so u get these spots of rly rich orange & teal & purple & blue & it WORKS?!?!?

which feels kind of insane to me honestly. like, Family Movies don't have beautiful lighting deign anymore (although cartoons have taken up some of the slack here—e.g., that Hilda show had a rly excellent color scheme in its backgrounds!)

anyway i'm just getting all weepily nostalgic for analog film, don't mind me!! getting half-strangled by a stray reel All those indoor shots where they're not afraid to let some light from outdoors filter in through the windows——i am dragged off the stage That soft focus on subjects, as opposed to that hypershallow depth of field that's gotten oh-so-popular these da——muffled sounds of struggle

[small gremlin pops back up onstage speaking in my voice] Also almost forgot to say: Good puppets! Very expressive, as others have mentioned! We need to bring back puppets tbh. Also ventriloquism(not that cringe racist guy from the bush admin tho.) I'm talking REAL ventri—

[roof caves in right on top of GREMLIN PUPPET, which miraculously manages to sidestep all the falling debris, but then one more tiny circular chunk falls out of the ceiling & GREMLIN immediately gets melted by the sudden sunlight like a cute vampire]

#letterboxd #movie thots #gremlins #damn this is so much easier than taking a bunch of screenshots to post to twitter

[sophieinwonderland]

Hello friend! A long time ago, I started looking into tulpas and other forms of alters/systems/etc and started feeling like I may have a tulpa of some sort. I pushed that aside for a while but over the past few days I've been feeling him again. I'm not sure if I want to try to pursue properly... creating..? him. But I feel like he's there, and it's not very nice to disregard him just because, idk, my consciousness is more present or whatever. He is, or is at least based on, a character I had made many many years ago while going through some really traumatic stuff and I'm wondering if somehow he went from a comfort character to. something more real. Like I can very specifically tell it's him, but nothing more. Like touching a cloud kinda. You know something is there but it doesn't feel like it. Sorry for such a long ask, haha. My actual question after all that is, do you have any advice? Do you think it's worth it to try to actually manifest him? I'm worried I wouldn't do it right and hurt him somehow. Thank you, I appreciate you so much <3

Ultimately, it's up to you. It sounds like while he's there, he's not self-aware yet. I don’t think it's immoral to not develop a potential headmate. If he was self-aware and sapient then it would be more complicated.

So, do you want him in your life?

Having a tulpa is a responsibility. If you go in, you go in all the way. He'll need your support.

The flipside is that you'll always have him to support you in turn. You get to be there for each other. Having that type of relationship can be wonderful if you want it. But make sure you want it now.

As for your fears, it's common to be afraid of messing up when creating tulpas, but far less common to do any sort of lasting psychological damage. The times when it does go bad like that are usually from intentionally forcing negative traits or doing things that could be harmful to the tulpa.

Generally speaking, as long as you care about your tulpa and support them when they need it, you can't go wrong. Also, be proactive in dealing with problems that do arise. If there are issues, don't sit on them and let them fester.

If you do this, I promise, you'll do fine. You're not going to mess things up and hurt them. At least not in a way that can't be fixed.

And I think the fact that you're worried about accidentally hurting them without even considering how sharing your life might negatively impact yourself is a sign of someone who would make a great host. 😁

#ask box #plural #tulpa #tulpamancy #tulpas #endogenic #plurality #plural system #endogenic system #actually endogenic #actually plural

[hxhhasmysoul]

It's funny, I knew u loved and knew about HxH already, and then I saw u making posts about JJK and stuff too.

So me, as a major HxH fan, and someone who only knew/saw/heard some stuff about JJK, I was going to ask u if there was actually any similarities between Killua and Gojo, besides more "superficial" ones, since I had seen comparisons between them (as well, as between Kakashi and Gojo and Killua and Kakashi too. Honestly, Kakashi and Killua are probably more similar than Killua and Gojo, but they are still very different too, and I am not completely sure on that thought. Could also come from bias that I love Killua and Kakashi a lot - Though, Killua more than Kakashi; though I love Kakashi a lot too -and more than Gojo. Not that I hate Gojo or anything. I just love Killua and Kakashi more. Honestly; it kind of seems like Geje might have been inspired by [both] Killua and Kakashi in making Gojo, but didn't completely understand what made both the characters and why people [actually] love them), so I was curious about ur thoughts on that, as someone who knows both HxH and JJK well.

But before I could you made this post: I need Gojou fans to stop. (Links not working for me right now. So I am just saying the name of the post instead), so it looks like you already did that. Lol.

Nice post btw! Probably one of the better/best Killua analysis/analyses I have read. (I have learned over the years that Killua gets so misunderstood. Other HxH characters too. Like Gon. Killua and Gon are probably a couple of the more misunderstood HxH characters imo. Seriously though, Killua will get misunderstood even by people who like and/or love him. Or who are fans of him. Though; I guess that kind of thing does happened). I really like who you brought up how Killua can be very emotionally illigenet, because I feel like that can be overlooked (maybe because his social skills aren't always the best due to his upbringing? Or something like that), brings up that his skills/abilities/etc. come from pain and suffering.

(at least partially because people will focus on his talent and/or potential and ignore just how much he has his worked his whole life for the things he has. All just all the suffering, abuse, and torture. Which, people try to excuse his "training", and say it is okay, because it "helped" Killua. It helped Killua, because Killua turns his suffering into other things, like strength, and all the abuse, manipulation, torture, etc.; has messed him up so much mentally. There is a reason he can be so insecure and has basically no to negative self-worth. And/or etc.

I am sorry, I love all the Zoldycks, but people really do try to excuse the abuse Killua has gone through, but saying it "isn't that bad", or "it helped him", or that "they still love each other" (people can still love each other, and people awful and abusive and/or etc. And a lot of the love Killua gets is shown to be unhealthy, abusive, manipulative, selfish, twisted, etc. People like Alluka/Nanika, some of the butlers and assistant butlers like Gotoh and Canary, and/or etc. show more healthy love for Killua compared to most of his family; a fair amount of the time. Which is both sad, and nice. Basically, the Zoldycks can love each other. But they do it, a fair amount of the time, in weird, messed up Zoldyck ways), and/or etc.

And I am just like, "what"? Idk, HxH fans can sometimes be very hard when in some things. Like trying to act like the older Zoldycks aren't that bad or that Killua (and the other Zoldyck kids) haven't been abused, tortured, neglected, locked away (Alluka/Nanika), chained up, manipulated, etc. It is weird sometimes).

1/2.

First of all, thank you for all the asks, I'm glad you found something interesting in my post.

As to characters being misunderstood... I think there's a lot of projection in fandom in general. Projection and/or white washing for image building reasons.

And I'm generally okay with it. Like my personal opinion is very "you do you", when it comes to fandom. I will woobify a villain for my fics because I want to make myself feel better with a nicer dynamic, I'm not good at writing full angst with no happy ending or whatever. And I don't expect everyone to like it. And this way I give myself the right to click out of fics when the characterisation irks me.

But I won't lie that it's annoying when it spills into meta. Especially when fanon is treated like canon and it's much more popular and pervasive than canon. When I write meta about the same villain I do my utmost not to make them seem better than they are.

And I totally agree that both Killua and Gon are very misrepresented in canon. People are trying to bring them to a small set of simple characteristics when they both are very layered characters.

The takes that the abuse helped Killua are mind boggling honestly. These really buy into the point of view of the abusers. In the world of HxH there are normies who live normal lives never knowing of nen or other super powers. They live chill lives unless some super powered, entitled assholes stomp on them. Regardless of what potential Killua was born with, he could've just lived a normal life. The people who decided he wouldn't have that were his family. They decided he needs powers to succeeded them in their violent job, whether he wants it or not. And he does not want that. Yes, Killua is proud of his strength and what he and his family can do, but he was brought up to value this kind of shit. Contrast him with Mito who doesn't value such stuff in the slightest. It's a learned way of thinking.

If Killua had a normal family, he could've developed his skills more organically, if he had wanted to lean into his potential. The abuse only helps he survive in the life he was forced to. Because even though he leaves the assassin life, he's now a hunter. And he becomes a hunter because he was already brought up into a world outside the norm, a world in which it's feasible to become a hunter. Contrary to the 4 other characters, even to Hisoka, Killua doesn't have anything he really wants to hunt. He says that he could hunt criminals during the exam, but it's not something he cares about. He never tries to make it his life.

Both Gon and Killua have very high emotional intelligence, though not the same way. But I really like it about them, that they are different but on par. And they aren't complete opposites. Gon's better at acting on his emotional intelligence. Killua's better on analising people and understanding their motivations.

I also like the Zoldycks as characters, I find their dynamics interesting. And I agree that there are strong emotions between them. Because they truly are a family. But they are a horrible family, one that harms everyone, that forces a way of life and a way of thinking onto all the people trapped in it. (btw there's a poll about toxic fams and the Zoldycks are rightfully winning, please vote for them to help seal their victory).

I wish that people could divorce in their heads liking a character as a part of a story and liking them as a person. And that they could stop conflating liking something with endorsing it. Because this is where the whitewashing of the Zoldycks comes from. People not being able to enjoy them as a fictional family because if they were real there'd be nothing to enjoy. And stop conflating explanations with justifications and excuses. And stop judging each other for what fictional characters and dynamics they enjoy. Because this leads to aggressively replacing canon with fanon.

#answering asks #killua #hxh

[trans-stew]

therapy posting below. gonna keep it below the cut even though this blog is literally my journal/brain dump because not everyone wants to read people's therapy stuff

today me and my therapist talked a lot about my like self worth and negative self image. it had started originally as talking about my like random periods when my depression comes back for a week or two at a time. but it eventually got into why I got really depressed years ago and what feelings I had at the time.

I never really thought i had much trauma or anything. I had a really rough mental period for a couple of years but it's slowly gotten better so I assumed I was doing ok mostly. I mean right now when I finally able to afford therapy is actually like the most mentally stable I've been in like over a decade. but idk just going over like how my anxieties feed into my worries of my future and those into my worries over my value and self worth and those into my negative self image it like... got to me I guess and I broke down a little bit in session for the first time.

my therapist was kinda like June you say you don't really hate yourself anymore but in one session you've given me multiple pages of things about yourself you don't like and when I ask you to list some things about yourself you do like you struggle to list anything. you need to understand these negative things about you aren't all true. you had a lot of unfair expectations forced on you growing up. you grew up and became your own person separate from what your parents wanted. you don't care what your parents think about who you became because they were assholes to you. so you shouldnt let yourself be mean to you by those same standards.

and just idk we really clicked for a little bit and almost went over time. they also grew up with parents that were former farmer country people who parented with rules and punishments and never taught them how to show and process and handle emotions.

therapy has been helpful so far even if just as a place for me to say out loud the kinda stuff and feelings i used to sad post about except this time hear from someone who understands and is gentle and caring and basically the kind of person I really needed growing up.

idk where I'm really going with this besides that it sucks so much to realize the parts of my life I thought I toughed through successfully actually left marks I'm going to be dealing with in some way maybe forever. while also I realize there's a possible future for me where I do learn to live with everything and maybe become a not so messed up adult in a safe place where I can authentically be myself without all the fears and worries and self criticism

#im going to therapy as long as i can so maybe i need to make a tag for this one for future reference or blacklisting #idk rambling therapy entry