#i've been so bad about reading lately.

[raiiny-bay]

unfortunately i'm obsessed with project zomboid again

#if i disappear this is why #i've been playing soo much these last few days #unironically my favorite mod is the zupercart mod #it's so silly #i kinda wanna try a multiplayer server. like i think that would be fun #but i also like playing alone bc i turn zombies off #i only turn zombies on if i play with other people. i am not brave enough to face them alone #n e way. i do have a lil thing for valentines q'd up for tomorrow #i made sure to finish it on time lol #i'm gonna go to the library tomorrow. need a book for february. #i've been so bad about reading lately. #also have a few movies i want to check out #i want to watch more movies this year. since i started collecting dvds & all. i need to find more movies i like #i've always been more of a book guy but now i understand the joy of a good movie. or a bad movie #both are good #rainyrambles #ETA: i will get to the last of the asks & tag games i got at some point. as soon as i'm done playing pz. #i'm not ignoring them. just preoccupied lol

[theshushdragonsleeps]

So I'm pretty bad at expressing myself through writing cuz I'm pretty shit at it, but I can't get out of my head the scene of Jaiden comforting and confronting Roier during Festa Junina. It's the fact that Jaiden, through her own grief and self isolation, grabs a hold of a drowning Roier. Looking at him and truly seeing him and accepting him at his lowest point. Loudly declaring that he deserves kindness and love and she is his partner and that she is here for him. 

And I believe she will not waver about her conviction and affection for him. And while she may need time and she may be hurt beyond comprehension, she will never actually leave him until the day she is no longer wanted. (Even then she will leave with kindness and understanding.) 

In fact, until the day when one or both are ready to come apart and become their own person again, I believe that together they will be holding each other up. Unwilling to let the other fall despite their own pain.

And just, I love their partnership so much. I know other people in this fandom have been upset that Jaiden or Roier haven't been there for each other enough since Bobby's death, but I need people to understand that both are the type to self isolate when upset. Like Roier might still be a part of the bigger group and acting dramatic around others while Jaiden is acting fine with her usual silliness and then completely disappearing, but both doing the same thing. Both are trying to make a “joke” about how much of a mess they have become after Bobby died without ever having to open up and talk to anybody about it. Both are giving a show as if to say “I wont let you see how much I’m actually hurting because if you actually saw me grieve without my mask of silliness, I will become a burden and you will leave me” 

And by god if I don't feel this to my very core which might be why I’m so obsessed over this. Cuz despite their own fear of being perceived and the feeling of becoming a burden or being looked down upon and used, they are still reaching out and offering others nothing but love.

Like if I remember correctly there was a time when someone (I can't remember who, sorry) asked Roier what he wanted and he said that he wanted someone to fully accepting him and give him a place to feel like he was being cared about, and to be the one on the receiving end of love rather than always being the one to reach out. And here is Jaiden with the sun rising behind her with arms wide open bathed in the new dawning warmth, only offering love and asking for nothing in return. 

Bobby may have been their sunset, but together through the love they have for each other they are creating their own sunrise. 

 And just, ahhhh, sorry I know all of this was overly long winded and badly written and I'm deeply embarrassed by the fact that I can't write better than this but I wanted to try out being a part of a voice in the void of a fandom for once and get a little bit of my love for these two out there.

#qsmp #qsmp jaiden #qsmp roier #I've actually edited this down a lot and still feel like I'm not properly articulating myself #like there are things in here Im worried will come across wrong #or im miss remembering roier talk about how he wants someone to care about him #did i make that up?? #ahhhhhhhh #im so scared so im posting this late when no one else usally posts to minamize who sees this #also i understand my gramer and uses of commas and periods are wrong #Ive always been bad at writing and I feel guilty making other people read it #sorry

[scatterghosts]

Deuteronomy 2:10 by The Mountain Goats // Deep in Canyon by BJ Yang

#when i found out this was a photo i was SHOOK #also apologies for not posting anything new for awhile #I've been busy and making lyric edits hasn't felt as fun as it used to #i have a bunch of requests in my inbox and I'm feeling overwhelmed #sorry to anyone who made requests....I may get to them eventually but I can't promise anything. i feel really bad about it but i just don't #have much time or passion for it #i want to spend my time doing things that make me happy to be alive #this used to be it #not so much lately #maybe I'll do more in the future but i don't really know for sure #thank you all for understanding!! #if anyone reads these really long tags lol #lyrics edit #art #lyrics #tmg #collage art #the mountain goats #deuteronomy 2:10

[orokay]

So idk if I can really articulate the way I'm feeling rn to translate it perfectly, but I want you guys to know how much I truly appreciate everyone who's followed me over the years, who has interacted with me in any way no matter how small, and anyone who has shown up recently. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. It's probably cheesy to say but everyone here has made my life so much brighter and I feel so unbelievably blessed to have been invited into your lives in some way, even if it's just as someone who sometimes shows up on your dash.

I decided to scroll through my tag on here and the way people have supported me over the years though everything really, deeply touched my heart this evening. The people who have drawn fanart for me, the people who have commissioned me, the people who have tagged me in things (I cringe every time bc I feel soooo bad for not seeing them until I look in my tag once in a blue moon, but know I appreciate you trying to include me), the people who tag me when asked who their art inspirations or favorite blogs are (!!!!!!!!!??????), the people who post their art saying that my art inspired them in some way, people who express their excitement when they realize I've followed them (this will never stop being wild to me, what an incredible thing!!!! I'm just me!) everyone. It's absolutely mind boggling to me and I can't stress enough how much it means.

I've had such an incredible time on this site so far and met some of my closest friends here and just.. wow. Thank you so much to all of you, from the very bottom of my heart. I cannot thank you enough for all of your support!! Every little bit of interaction is a blessing to me and I've run out of ways to express that so I'll wrap this up here but yeah!! I hope you all have a lovely evening or whatever time of day it is in your time zone. Know that you've impacted me in a way I can't express and try to give yourselves a little grace, you'll never know how much you've improved the lives of the people around you by just spending a little time in their space ♥

#i wanted to tag a bunch of my friends bc i saw a lot of people i don't interact with much anymore bc of my reclusiveness in recent years #but i was terrified of accidentally leaving people out so if you're wondering if i'm thinking about you then you're exactly who i mean #love love love love love I'm so incredibly fortunate and i can't forget that!!!! #the fact that i've been on here since 2014 and have only received one mean ask that i can think of is insane #i know i've been a bit of a downer lately but overall my hope is that i've created a positive space where people can be happy and feel safe #in some way in any way #and i hope i feel like someone people can talk to (or at.. i know im bad at replying but i do like to read sjkdlfsd) #i've been told that i may come off as intimidating but i truly don't want to be i want people to feel comfortable interacting ^^ #ANYWAY gotta go to bed this is embarrassing thanks for listening byeee #dl #not art #i forgot to mention this but also people who use my art for their pfps???????? SPEECHLESS #all of the art in the world and you chose mine it makes my heart so full #also just realized i completely forgot to respond to emails today #if you see this and you're waiting on one I'll reply tomorrow but know I've gotten it!

[whmp]

whumper: im heading back home. you better not be a low-poly game asset for the sony playstation 1™ console.

whumpee: 😶

---

his name is cecil and he's not doing well. i had this neat idea yesterday: imagine a tamagotchi-like game, where you have to "take care" of a whumpee who lives inside your puter. will you traumatize them beyond all recovery or will you look after them? after all, they're just a replaceable heap of pixels, right? it's not like they have feelings.

#whump #whump art #whump oc #whump ideas #if you're reading the tags you're about to get some premium insider info #i've been obsessed with stupid game arg stuff lately. reliving my creepypasta phase and all that. #and just. imagine one of those haunted cartridges but the ghost in it is not malevolent. its scared and lonely and completely at your mercy #and the game invites the user to abuse the characters in it - you get some fake currency or points or whatever. #idk just some freaky paranormal shit that makes you feel bad for torturing a fake lil guy on your screen #ALTERNATIVELY just a sequel to the interactive buddy flash game where you beat the shit out of cecil and it's just that. simple as. #dusted off the ol' unity+blender+glsl combo for that one :) #ok ive rambled enough but it was so much fun to pose this poor dude id love to make a little game out of it

[sabraeal]

1000 Followers Update!

Due to some super fun chronic health shenanigans, the posting for the 1000 Followers Celebration is being postponed a month! Posting will start on 2/2 with to all the ghost still standing in this room, and continue as previously planned from there. Thank you guys for bearing with me-- I struggled with the idea of even postponing for a week, but it became very clear on Monday that I would not be able to catch up with the schedule unless I took an extended break to recover. Can't wait to show you guys what I've got up my sleeve!

#1000 followers #i don't talk much about my illness struggles on here because without a word count limit #i would absolutely write myself into a terrible spiral talking about some of the very recent setbacks #but I do weekly goals up on twitter and I often talk about what's going on there #so it's only fair that i explain a bit in some tag chatter where i have to stay on task #to start: i'm fine and I'm going to be quick to recover now that i've gotten my meds #but due to all sorts of insurance bullshittery that has occurred since september/october #my last three infusions have been over a week late. two of them have been nearly two weeks or over #and coupled with a particularly nasty stomach bug + christmas stress #i ended up with extremely bad exhaustion and brain fog #and on monday finally flared #thankfully i was able to move my infusion up a day so I only had to wait until wednesday #and me and my husband had planned that I would be out of commission for the 10 days my meds were overdue #so I just had to triage my commitments and lay low until they could get me what i needed #it's been two days and i'm doing much much better. back to a place where I can actually write #probably at a better place than i have been since the beginning of December since today I nearly blew through 1K without even trying #but it's been 2-3 weeks of barely being able to scratch out what i consider my minimum #and then a week and change of not being able to even READ without it overwhelming me #so i finally had to face the music of: not only can I NOT do this on time but I need fully shift it #so that I can work without stressing myself or my limits #i am a rat gnawing at the bars of my little rat cage over it but it is what it is #tldr; i'm here i'm fine i just have to accept my human limitations and i don't like it

[risingsunresistance]

if you haven't used skycrypt but wanna participate just for fun, the website is here and the themes are in the top-right corner. if you're on a phone and dont see the themes option, turn your phone sideways :]

and if you have multiple just pick one of them :0

#i dont think anyone cares about this too much but i wanna see what happens anyways lol #been a long time user of sky.lea.moe but lately i've been using sunrise orange. Big Fan of orange #i thought the text was a bit hard to read when i picked themes tho. but looking back at it it's not too bad #i think the skills strain my eyes slightly more then the lea one but. small price to pay for such a nice shade of orange #chat #sb #tbh i just want something to do. im suffering rn i need to keep typing or something before i explode #so my solution to this was a poll. maybe i'll find something else to do too idk :P

[novelconcepts]

i don't make resolutions, but if i did

it would be to finish this fic

(and to be kind to myself for however long it takes to actually do so)

#i'm finishing it if it kills me #i know i've been writing this makeout scene for 3 weeks but baby that can't last forever #if we want to get deep and dark and serious for a second i do think a lot of my struggles to write lately have to do with engagement #and how incredibly low engagement has been on the last few things i've written #which like. is what it is. i'm not entitled to anybody's time or comments or kudos. #but when you write stuff you're proud of and it feels like it's barely getting read it's hard to keep momentum. #this isn't intended as a woe is me or whatever it's just kind of like. there. hovering. #happens enough times you start to wonder if it's you. am i just writing for the wrong fandom/ship? #(too bad if so. they're in my bones i'm writing for them and no one can stop me.) #but yeah. if you ever wonder if authors do care or notice about hits. comments. kudos. buddy i am here to tell you #not only do we care and FLOURISH we also notice when those things drop off and readers vanish #and it is a giant bummer. and sometimes makes us wildly paranoid about why that might have happened. #so if you liked a fic today--not even one of mine. just. anybody's. share it. comment on it. #kudos at the VERY least (cuz frankly kudos is there to be an 'i got to the end and this was nice' feature. #so when you get 500 hits and only like 30 kudos? it feels like 470 of those people hated your work) #anyway. that got out of hand. lil' too raw lil' too honest. happens when you let yourself ramble at 11:30 instead of sleeping #to sum: let your local fic writer know if they've made you happy #and as we go into 2024 i am swearing to myself that this fic (and probably several others) are getting finished #come hell. high water. or dishearteningly low engagement numbers. #(and then maybe we...actually work on something original. cuz why not. new year same old me but i'll do my best.)

[asjjohnson]

He lives in Amity Park. Just one of seventy thousand people making a living under the shield.

He makes a modest salary working at a garage. There's a handful of cars per day, coming in for oil changes or tune-ups, and the work is divided between him and two coworkers.

He considers himself to be pretty average. One face lost within a sea of thousands. Unnoticed and unmemorable.

He doesn't mind. He's a pretty bland person overall. He doesn't do much other than work, eat, watch whatever's showing on TV when he's at his small apartment, and sleep; and he doesn't feel he needs more from life than that.

He moved to Amity Park a few years ago, after wandering from place to place.

The ghost thing was new to him. He can't remember seeing a ghost until after moving here. And when the purpose of the shield was explained to him, he couldn't imagine ghosts beyond a vague idea. They were said to be slightly translucent and able to fly. And, in Amity Park, ghosts are just another part of their way of life. A normal sight to see. Especially Phantom.

Even now he can't build a clear mental image or description when it comes to ghosts. He never had a chance to really take one in.

Every time he sees Phantom, his mind goes blank, in pure terror.

Even on the other side of the shield, high in the sky 500 feet away, barely even close enough to make out the cape and suit, the ghost would cause him to freeze in place on the sidewalk, forgetting how to breathe while people push past him to continue on their way.

---

He's at the garage when the sirens come on. In an oil-stained jumpsuit, on his back beneath a car.

At first he's confused, cocking his head to listen, but someone yells that it's the shield.

He should've recognized the sound. There's a drill twice a year. Somewhat of a holiday. The entire town meets up in the shelters under the city. But the timing is off. Wrong month, wrong day, wrong time. For one thing, there is no work on Drill Day. So he didn't make the connection at first.

He puts his wrench down and follows the others out of the garage.

When he steps through the door, he sees Phantom in the distance, throwing parked cars, and he freezes as the others run.

It gets hard to breathe. He can't get enough air. His vision zeroes in on Phantom, the rest of the world vanishing. His heart pounds in his chest like it's trying to free itself. Phantom is coming nearer. He feels dizzy. His head is swimming. He... he has to sit... His knees hit the asphalt. His palms keep him from falling, his eyes never leave Phantom. The ghost comes nearer, casually, meanderingly, blasting random objects. As near as three businesses down. Two. Phantom turns and blows up the building across the street.

Phantom turns back around. Eyes focused overhead, at the garage building. A giddy-looking grin. Then the eyes drift downward.

They lock on him.

"What do we have here? A flea that forgot how to scurry away?"

He shudders at the sound of the voice. Trembles as Phantom floats nearer. He cringes on the ground, seeing his death mere feet away. Stares wide-eyed.

Phantom's grin fades, eyebrows furrowing as eyes study his face. Then, "You?" The eyes narrow, a sneer crossing the face. "I should have finished you."

He shrinks back as Phantom reaches for him. Squeezes his eyes tightly shut. Death. Death.

But instead, a strong hand grips his upper arm—and something seems to light up behind his eyes.

Memories flow through him like water.

A sister. Spinning on her heel with long orange hair flying, a superior, righteous expression as she says something.

Parents. Both wearing tight jumpsuits, excited, building a deadly weapon at the dinner table while asking about school.

Friends. One in black and one with glasses, putting a finger to their earpieces as they talk over each other making suggestions.

...Himself.

Tiredly brushing long black bangs out of his eyes as he reaches for a toothbrush. Lying on his back looking up at the stars. Observing a translucent, slightly glowing gloved hand, wiggling the fingers.

He exhales with a hiss. And snaps his eyes open to glare at Phantom. "You!" He jerks back, breaking Phantom's grip on his arm.

He was robbed of ten years of his life. Of who he is. He lived through ten years not realizing what was going on around him. Accepting the shield and the destruction as normal! And it was a part of himself doing all of this! Making the shield necessary! Out having a joyride at everyone's expense!

He's so angry. Furious.

He can feel his eyes light up for a split second, and a flash of green sparking in his palms. "I'll destroy you!"

He doesn't run for the emergency ecto-gun in the garage.

He lunges at Phantom with his bare hands, palms repeatedly trying to glow, sparking for only an instant at a time, like an igniter without fuel to back it up.

#danny phantom #dp #the ultimate enemy #dan phantom #dark danny #danny fenton #au #asj post #asj writing #I tried looking up what a panic attack feels like. I probably didn't write it very well though. But well I tried. #Hmm. It might be possible to interpret this ficlet more than one way. #rest of tags are ficlet spoilers #I'm still interested in the Tue 'human side doesn't die' possibility. #I'd always thought it was assumed that Dan killed his human side. But Vlad never said. Just said Dan did something pretty bad to him. #My 1st dp fic idea had an unconscious Danny. But I've been thinking about it again lately. I'm pushing the idea a little farther each time. #The idea here was that Danny's kinda an empty shell without much inside. Just going through life blankly and without memory. #He's a bg character. The only unique thing about him is that feeling of fear. #But when Dan touches him it creates a connection. So part of what was taken can return through that connection. #But there's a chance you could see the story as about a stranger who has some kind of skin-to-skin–contact mind-reading ability. #It could be someone other than Danny. Who takes Danny's memories from Dan. #...I didn't end the story early. I'd imagined the ending being him lighting like my computer's been doing and leaping for Dan. #(The computer had gotten better after awhile but after I reset/recovered it it's gotten bad again. #Last time I turned it on it took try after try after try. The power button light would only flash on for a split second. A blink. #Then after several tries the power button would flash on for slightly longer and I'd hear a part shift. Like a cutoff sentence like 'D—'. #the computer eventually came on though.) #I imagined more at the beginning and more at the end and more about the panicking. Just didn't think of the words to use. #The only reason he can punch at Dan at all is because of the residual power. It's like the Fenton Gauntlets that let humans touch ghosts. #Drill Day is like a fair. It's part practice part fun and part getting rid of old food supplies to get ready to restock. #People sometimes think Danny looks familiar but he gives a different name and shows no recognition. So he must just be a stranger. #'Danny died in the NB explosion right?' or 'That out-of-state billionaire adopted him.' or 'There'd been that Masters Mansion explosion.'

[fictional-worlds-are-exquisite]

just watched the movie Dune and honestly felt like one of those big ass books where it only gets past the introduction 300 pages in

is that inherently bad? no. sometimes those are good books. but. feeling very much like i watched 2 hours of an intro and have to wait for the next part to get the story

this might be the worst thing i've posted on here because i think people adored this movie. i like the worms, i like zendaya, i like the world building, but i await more story to judge there

#i'm probably wrong #i just haven't sat back and thought about it enough lmao #i will say though i did in fact watch all 2.5 hours of it which is a miracle. so clearly it wasn't bad #maybe i've been reading too many fast paced books lately and i'm biased #i just. there was the home world. then they moved. then there was the new world. then i guess everything got blown to pieces #but it felt like it was building backstory almost. like okay. now we've built paul's motivations...lets get into it #there was the escape and then meeting the group of fremen and a fight #and now we've established a spot and can start building the story off all this background #idk!!! i haven't read the book. maybe i'm just tired lmaooo

[yohankang]

atarashii joushi wa do tennen isn't even a bl but it's so gay and romantic i can't asdfghgfd it's also SO stupid and funny i'm having a blast

#i read the manga version some time ago but i only remember it was gay lmao #i love it SOOOO much #if you like comedy anime pls watch it <3 only 2 eps have been released so far #it's about a guy who was abused at his previous job so he's traumatised #and his new boss who turns out to be very caring and goofy #it's about healing but also about having crush on your boss <3 #k.txt #tbh i've been a total mess lately and this is probably the first thing that made me laugh this week #i needed it so bad

[corset]

Our mental health has been in such an interestingly terrible place for the last month or so. Genuinely kind of fascinating to watch from different internal angles....like watching the ocean ebb and flow and change temperament at random sometimes based on weather or the moon or something. Like this shit is just terrible

#I can't even describe it #Like it isn't even just the basic stuff I've dealt with my whole life right #I've had some of this for well over a decade now right I've been very unwell for a long time #I'm a system so that tells you a lot already #Speaking of which that's been extremely hard on us lately too. Rapid switching and blending and worsening dissociative episodes #It makes it extremely....hard. I don't know how to put this for people reading this who don't just intuitively know what I'm talking about #Let me try though #Stress worsens the symptoms right. And we've been under a Lot of stress. When you have a system who not only experiences different levels #of emotion but also different emotional responses to certain things and then also expresses symptoms of your multiple mental illnesses to #different degrees and then on top of that your sense of time/cognition becomes nonlinear because you're blurry as hell in and out all the #time it becomes markedly more difficult to try and balance out/manage your other shit. Like I cannot even describe #It's like trying to climb a slippery incline #I feel truly. Crazy. Like a complete unstable fragmented freak lately it is So bad. And I feel like I'm becoming Worse /As A Person/ too #Like I just feel like I'm becoming so jaded and fucked up mentally our internal state right now is frankly very bad. If you think I've been #negative and difficult on this blog lately hoo boy is my posting on here not even scratching the surface #We're trying to do some things about stuff we can fix/control in our external surroundings but like #[Edit: in addition I have never been properly medicated or gotten help for Any of this since I was 14-15 and they weren't even helping us #for the right things.]

[sibillascribbles08]

I promise I will read ur jasonnie fic soon bc u may have won me over w the little blurbs my adhd just Hates Reading </3

askdjf I mean it's no pressure

how do you do with audio btw? I've heard of some people putting fics into a program or having their browser read the fics out. Not exactly quality reading cause it's usually a TTS voice but some people find it helps them keep up with fics and the like better.

(It's not for me cause if I zone out for three seconds I'm now lost but?? it's a thing)

#scribs speaks #I'm also very bad about reading these days #lately I've just bookmarked fics so I can open them on my phone at work and read them between jobs #so I've slowly been getting through stuff

[radioactive-cloud]

those past few days are really testing my patience with some of the takes and opinions i've seen on the internet and i'm so fucking done with all of this i just want to delete all my accounts from everywhere and live somewhere in the woods (as far away from russia as i can) and to never come in contact with another human being again

#i'm so exhausted i just have to rant even tho nobody will care #i have some trouble sleeping because i'm either waiting for another attack to happen #or reading the news about dozens of missiles flying at my country #or hiding in the bathroom while listening to explosions because it's supposed to be the safest place in our appartment #and then i open social media and see all the destruction and casualties and deaths that happened overnight #and at the same time i see people adoring and praising and defending russians and their culture and language #and creaming themselves because of their “mysterious russian soul” #and telling ukrainians that they are stupid and toxic and that what they feel about their killers and occupiers is wrong #well newsflash y'all #russian culture is nothing but blood and death #russian language is nothing but blood and death #it's not just fucking putin doing all of this shit #he wasn't there when ukrainian nation and culture and language were oppressed for literal fucking centuries #did russia invent human cloning for putin to be all those soldiers at the frontline and all those people building drones and missiles? #open your fucking eyes and think for a fucking second #i go to sleep every night fearing that i may not wake up #and then in the morning i see people admiring russians and foaming at the mouths defending them #and then also fucking michael sheen of all people sending his love to them #and i become so insanely pissed #get a fucking reality check #i'm so sick of people excusing russia and its actions #once again guess i'm a walking big bad angry ukrainian stereotype #well that's what war does to you #i won't wish for anyone to experience this but also it may be the only thing that makes some people aware of what a rotten thing russia is #i'm so done and i don't want to feel all of this and i don't want to be a human and i don't want to have thoughts #maybe it's for the best if a missile flies into my room so i won't have to be here any longer and witness all of this shit #(it's a thought i've been having lately and ngl it kinda scares me) #ukraine #russia is a terrorist state #btw i've just discovered there's a limit of 30 tags

[autistic-shaiapouf]

Beginning to really wonder how much of my financial concern is manufactured and handed to me as opposed to something I'm genuinely concerned by

#bc like. i'm getting by just fine. i don't have anything to be reasonably worried about #but also when i was a kid my father would break down my mother's paycheck and basically explain how broke we were #and that May Have Affected Me Somewhat #as well as just. the way you consistently see the advice to just save! don't get takeout! necessities! and i'm not intent on living like #a monk nor am i intent on being on that grindset for financial gain #it's like i don't intrinsically care but i have so many messages given to me about how i need to care a lot and it puts me in a weird spot #i am simultaneously standing still and moving at mach speeds #i mean right now i just need a safety net while in between jobs; after that i need to save up to move out of state bc the uh #political situation and upcoming presidential election don't seem very sustainable for someone like me anymore #they weren't to begin with but i don't wanna stick around to see how bad it's gonna get #but it's like. okay and then what? save for what? going back to school i guess? idk #i feel like i keep asking myself what i'm trying to accomplish and keep trying to force myself to have answers #here and now when i have to be okay with taking things one step at a time instead of having everything here and now #it's simultaneously fine and terrible and i am holding two conflicting yet equal truths #i feel i may have a clearer head once i leave my current job. i'm trying to look but nothing feels appealing given how #burnt out i already feel. i dread going back into my workplace and i fear it's showing to the patients and i don't want that #i want a month off to rediscover who i am as a person outside of getting yelled at in retail and then pick something back up #could be feasible. genuinely could be. i need to sort out the health insurance aspect but. that's lowkey the plan? #to construct a financial safety net and then slam on the breaks for a while; see if i can strike up a deal with the staff about me #coming in for specific tasks bc we already know i'm quick and efficient with the inventory so i do have a little leverage #you know what. this is getting some of it off my chest and i'm starting to feel confident again lmao #i won't be doing weekends starting either next week or the week after so that's a start! i just think i want everything done right now #bc i'm afraid i won't have the chance again but i will. i definitely will #i just need to let myself get to that point; it's just the immense drain from the register work and the Everything that comes with retail #also having to accept that it's okay to leave this; there's not something wrong with me like. ''not being able to handle it'' or w/e #no mindfulness or detachment could've saved me; it was shit and i'm hitting the bricks and that's all there is to it #i've been thinking a lot about it all lately bc it's what's most prominent in my life rn of course #idk. pondering. introspecting. as i am wont to do #anyways if you've read all this you're a real mvp and i am kissing you on the hand #shai speaks

[kenobihater]

the last remaining threads of my sanity are slipping through my fingers rn 🚬 😑

#i'm out of cigarettes i'm incredibly ill and i'm reconsidering my relationship to a certain fandom. #look i'm NOT saying i'm gonna stop the divorce proceedings but uh. fuck. i may have been re reading some of my older works and unfinished #fics and i MAY. i repeat MAY. have some tiny shred of interest posting about st*r w*rs again #motherfucker i'm SO hesitant to speak that into existence and will be absolutley APOPLECTIC if it happens bc i don't fucking WANNA like sw! #i divorced it! i took the kids (my ocs) & filed a restraining order & crossed state lines & broke all contact and yet! and fucking yet!!!! #i find myself in tags i havent visited in over two years on the archive like some beaten dog slinking back home to a shitty master #i honestly hate like. fucking ALL of the shit i've written from then that i reread and some of it was so bad i couldnt even bring myself to #click on it after reading the summary. like. UGH! i have a half baked fic idea i wrote a little for and i think it's more compelling than #any of the literal dogshit i posted back then so i MIGHT work on polishing that up and posting something that isn't actual garbage by my #current standards. all of this is still up in the air tho bc i dont know if the hyperfixation or even the bare minimum lvl of interest has #returned or if it's just fever induced delirium. i've been having INCREDIBLY fucked up bad horrible awful vivid dreams as of late so fever #induced brain fuckery isn't out of the question. sigh. i'm so mad abt this #even if i do regain some interest in the fandom i don't think i'll have any interest in new source material after the mando s2 finale & #tbo.bf sucking ass & the obi show being mid & everything with the ST. i plan on watching ando.r but after that? zero interest in anything #new from sw. so. if anyone still reading this and is getting excited abt me POSSIBLY MAYBE being interested in sw just know i still hate it #a bit and feel like i'm being dragged kicking and screaming back into this mess unwillingly. or it's due to a fever. god i need a smoke #len speaks #that's literally the longest tag rant i've ever gone on. fuck that's a BAD sign