#i'm trans and all people want me to do is hate myself and hate my body and live in misery so!

[thepoisonroom]

'I flirted with the idea that instead of being trans that I was just a cross-dresser (a quirk, I thought, that could be quietly folded into an otherwise average life) and that my dysphoria was sexual in nature, and sexual only. And if my feelings were only sexual, then, I wondered, perhaps I wasn’t actually trans.

I had read about a book called The Man Who Would Be Queen, by a Northwestern University professor who believed that transwomen who were attracted to women were really confused fetishists, they wanted to be women to satisfy an autogynephilia. And though I first read about this book in the context of its debunkment and disparagement, I thought about the electricity of slipping on those tights, zipping up those boots, and a stream of guilt followed. Maybe this professor was right, and maybe I was only a fetishist. Not trans, just a misguided boy.

About a year later, on the Internet, I come across a transwoman who added a unique message to the crowd refuting this professor. Oh, I wish I remember who this woman was, and I wish even more that I could do better than paraphrase her, but I remember her saying something like this: “Well, of course I feel sexy putting on women’s clothing and having a woman’s body. If you feel comfortable in your body for the first time, won’t that probably mean it’ll be the first time you feel comfortable, too, with delighting in your body as a sexual thing?”'

-Casey Plett, Consciousness

#this quote always moves me almost to tears when i remember it #i'm not a trans woman and i don't share the author's specific experiences with transition #but it really moves me that she frame transition as joyfully giving yourself permission to approach your body #not as something that has to be disciplined and deprived and made small in all these various ways #but as a means for experiencing pleasure and joy and delight and for insisting that our feelings and desires are worth #valuing and exploring and treasuring #i always used to think of prioritizing those things for myself as selfish and irresponsible #but who does it harm to want to experience pleasure in your own body? #it's such a beautifully simple and powerful switch to have flip in your head #and equally why are we forced to deny our own pleasure in transition and anything else related to our bodies in the name of moral rectitude #this is why i get so confused and pissed off when other trans people are fatphobic for example #like why are you so invested in politics of shame and disgust that never had any purpose other than #violently disciplining people as if they've violated moral codes by existing in a body #to say nothing of white people being racist in gay and trans communities #like again this system of violence is foundational to homophobia and transphobia #so why are you acting like it has nothing to do with you #even if you are unmoved by the urgency of other people's suffering which btw you should be moved by #what do you hope to gain by acting a collaborator and handmaiden to those systems #Casey Plett #she really is one of my favorite authors i wish more non-canadians read her #this quote is from a series of columns she did ont transition and every single one is a banger #i love when she talks about the people-pleasing elements of dysphoria and transition denial #she's so sharp about noting how many of us deny our own dysphoria on the grounds that others like and validate our bodies #that's how i always felt during my cis conventionally feminine era #it pleased other people so much and also that reception felt so hollow and joyless to me because i hated it #i get less of that positive feedback but that feels so unimportant next to the joy and pleasure i get to experience #said with the understanding that i'm very privileged in being able to prioritize those things without fear. but it was a switch flip #personal nonsense

[uncanny-tranny]

It's okay to want to pass or to bind or tuck or things like that, and it's insensitive to imply that trans people doing so is proof they are trying to "conform to cissexism". It is okay to want to transition "traditionally". It is okay to not want that, too. What isn't okay (and will never be okay) is to degrade other people for the choices they make or for the choices they have to make.

#trans #transgender #lgbt #lgbtq #ftm #mtf #nonbinary #as always: saw something that really missed the mark somewhere else #i've seen BOTH sides degrade peoples' choices and it's bad! no matter why you're doing it! #just stop! *the sound of my scream blasts everything away from me within a twenty mile radius like i'm todd howard* #do you honestly and truly know if somebody or some rando is trying to be cissexist by transitioning? #as somebody who does want to 'conventionally' transition in many ways - you don't know. you can't know #what's more important - degrading people or protecting them? #i'll tell you when you degrade people for no reason you will be alone. you don't want to be alone especially if you're a minority #a trans person who isolates themself because they degrade other trans people - for example - will be alone when they are targetted #that's what i mean. i've seen it a lot more than i care to. it's upsetting and tragic and i hate it. i want it to stop #transition (or lack thereof) is all about you. nobody else. it shouldn't BE solely for somebody else #absolutely there are cases where part of transition is for somebody else and that's fine. but if that doesn't apply that's cool #my transition is focused on me. because i do it for myself and my comfort and my safety and prosperity. because i want to Live and not live #big L live is different than little l live

[wild-at-mind]

Had a really stupid conversation via minor emotional breakdown with a queer friend about what makes an LGBTQ person 'assimilist'. From what she said I'm kind of forced to draw the conclusion 'if you say you're not assimilist, then you're not'.

#i love her but none of it makes any sense to me #i think i really just wanted her to see that this kind of rhetoric is no good if you're fundamentally unable to see yourself as having valu #to a community- which is where i'm still at sometimes unfortunately. #i would say that i may not be the only one since mental illness + self esteem issues + being lgbtq are not exactly unlinked #but i have basically never found anyone else who has my particular hangups...maybe online once ages ago #so in my own mind i'm the most assimilist lgbtq who ever existed- not even worthy to call myself queer #and it's nice that she thinks i am not like that and in fact am 'one of the good ones' #who is not assimilist- look i know that 'one of the good ones' usually means the opposite ok i know! it's just an impression i get #she's like telling me obviously i'm all good because i look like i do but all i can hear is #that if i didn't look like this then i'm an assimilist #i fucking hate my brain honestly no one asked me to have a mental breakdown at their house (thank god i didn't cry) #and then go home and that's when i cry because i saw a trans guy's 'this many years on t' post and i felt like shit because #i haven't done anything about transitioning in ages and i'm not even out at work :'( #like i know i'm an assimilist because my main reason for not coming out at work is not wanting to do the beaurocracy #of changing my name on my email and every fucking log in i have on everything- telling every single person i interact with #i just can't it's too much and my line manager is worse than useless #but i have 'my job is computer and doing emails all day' privilege so i don't like to talk to people about it

[solradguy]

Some clowns are posting about it in the tag and I've gotten a bunch of new followers recently interested in GG Strive, so I just wanna take a sec and remind everyone that Strive's arcade mode, the part of the game where Bridget (with encouragement from Goldlewis and Ky to decide for herself how she wishes to identify) decides that she is a girl after all, doesn't have "bad" endings. It's not like the last games where certain routes lead to really obviously unfortunate outcomes. Bridget being referred to with she/her pronouns in text (like her official bio and ArcSys tweets) confirms that the ending where she realizes that she is a girl after all is her canon ending for the arcade mode. ArcSys do their localization (ie, translations) in-house so saying it's a mistranslation doesn't have even a toe to stand on either.

And for the love of all life PLEASE stop using machine translators for Japanese. They are all notoriously bad at Japanese because of how nuanced the language is. Yes, even DeepL.

#groomed #textpost #Sorry I keep posting about this specifically but god I wish I had encouragement back when I was questioning like Bridget #Goldlewis and Ky being supportive and making sure that Bridget makes this decision on her own but that she also knows she has support for- #-whichever decision she decides to make just hits me right in the feels #All trans people being into being trans is a stupid fucking no braincells take #I'm trans but I didn't know it was something you were allowed to do until I was like 20 #Everything I knew about trans people before then depicted them as a joke or everyone hated them or they 'regretted' it bc it was a story- #-written by some transphobe shithead #I WISH I had someone who sat me down and was like 'this is a thing you can do if it feels right to you but it's only a decision u can make' #I ALWAYS knew something wacky was going on with my gender but I never confronted it until I was like 24 #I had these feelings DESPITE being raised in an environment EXTREMELY hostile towards trans people #So fuck you if you think trans people can only be groomed into being trans #I wasted so many years hating myself and who I was because I thought if I changed my gender I would be hated and a joke #Then I finally did it and I'm so happy with myself now #I used to legit be unable to look at myself in the mirror I hated myself so much #Now I'm fucking jacked and wear whatever I want and I love myself so much #I'll crush every transphobe skull under my giant goth boot #Shit your guts out & die 1000 agonizing deaths if you think Bridget didn't make this decision on her own based on feelings she's always had #Her and I are transitioning in different directions (I'm trans masc) but her story is so relatable #I have absolutely no tolerance for anyone talking bad about her and I will fight on this hill until the day I die

[rivilu]

Hey hello can i be sad on main or will the heavens unleash 7 thousand ravenous hawks upon me

#river rambles #vent post #tw for basically everything bellow just saying it now #sorry the last 8 years of not a single reason to live are getting to me <3 #i hate being alive i hate being trans I hate being autistic and not able to work like a normal person #to provide my transition to myself instead of having to rely on parents that kiind of support me? (dad) or are straight up pulling - #the 'you're making MEEE SUICIDAL!' card (mom) #i hate not being able to talk to people like a normal person #it's not even just the autism anymore i feel like i've been the worst version of me for such a long time i dont even know where to start #dysphoria is so fucking bad and getting worse every single day and any semblance of trans positivity winds up feeling toxic #like even body neutrality feels like an insult. im at a point where i want to tear myself apart just when i'm sitting still #i hate being told to wait for things to happen #the dreaded 'it'll get better' #it hasnt #it's been EIGHT. FUCKING. YEARS #nothing helps. i've exhausted every option within reach. no words of encouragement help at all #literally the only OPTION is to wait. and i've had! ENOUGH OF IT! #I've dreaded pride every year because it feels more and more like i'm living a lie being there. im not PROUD of being trans. #All i feel about it is misery. All the time. I hate my body so fucking much i cant do a single thing i want to do #most of my early years after figuring out im trans i tried to just ignore it and focus on pride about my sexuality #since i couln't transition then anyway #but as time went on and i became an adult and there's still not a single glimpse of light on the horizon. I can't focus on it anymore #because you know. those things are interconnected. So now i just feel like an unlovable piece of shit! #Like i will never be what i was meant to be. what i want to look like. #and i dont even want to try for any manner of relationship before that . because even if anyone DID like the current version of me #that's not even me #birth is a curse and existence is a prison etcetera

[vulpinesaint]

it’s not cute to be self conceited and narcissistic

sure it is. because i'm the one doing it and i'm cute (<— conceited self centered and narcissistic take)

#sorry for being hot. they hate to see a girlboss winning #i'm trans and all people want me to do is hate myself and hate my body and live in misery so! #i get to be soooooo self-obsessed however and whenever i want. hope this helps <3 #fr anon you should try being a little bit conceited. people don't like it sometimes but it's good for you!!! #if we want radical self love we can take some time to be annoying about it #anyway. if you're not down with me posting about how much i love myself and how hot i think i am then you can leave it's fine #i don't want you here either if you're gonna be a buzzkill about the way that i'm literally sooooo gorgeous <3 #block me and move on babes. hope you find some more things you love about yourself today <3 #ask

[sschmendrick]

Sometimes I truly feel really dumb seeing all the people here and on the internet on general make amazing analysis of characters, of events, of parallels in books, movies, songs and whatnot. I feel very poor mentally when all I can see is cool images, amazing stories, and the best songs I get to listen to. I feel like I'm missing on so much, and always beein fed the analysis by other people because I just cannot do it on my own can be very tiring and sink the self-esteem. Especially as someone who's gonna end up working with artists I feel so out of place, like I shouldn't be there talking to them since I do not have the right tool to understand them.

What I hate most of all is that even the stuff that I adore I cannot dig into in a proper way. It's all feelings and it's not good enough.

#I'm working on a presentation and I wanted to present this album and artist that has changed my life and how I go about some things but #it's not good enough for a presentation. I should analyse the album to make it worthwhile yet I cannot make it in a way that is *good* #that is relelvant to what I should be able to produce as someone studying music. For me it's the gut wrenching feeling of the rage that #got me out of some places. it's the themes of death applied to being trans and to feeling lost in life that got me out of some places. #but it's just how I feel about it and it's not analysis. I'm not going into great enough details about how it was written. I'm applying too #much of myself on it when I listened to it in a totally different context than most of its audience did. I'm years late and not part of the #movement that was birthed during that period. It feels self obsessed to make it about how I feel about it #so here I am just looking at how other people feel about it...and that's how I do it all the time it feels like. I cannot interpret #correctly what i like and what touches my soul and it's so crushing mentally #makes me hate trying to dig into what's inside my mind :(

[white-bow-tie]

happy pride month

you deserve every human right there is.

#i spent an hour crying the shit out of myself #because whenever i do something #whenever i feel like things may get at least slightly better in my life #everything is falling apart #i feel like I'm closed in one cage with completely mad dogs and whenever im trying to escape there are people who beat me and throw back #the worst is that after a year and a half of living like that i feel like im getting angry #angry in the way when you start to hate everything and everyone #which feels terrible #i hate that #i don't want to hate #i don't want to feel all of that #I'm miserable #mess from my head #small explanation: im a trans guy in r-ssia stuck between hate and fear of any interaction with army #which is something that affects every man here #and the fact that my gov just said that they are preparing to ban transition completely

[the-cinnamon-snail]

I look too much like both of my parents and act too much like them as well.

#vent #like. i fucking hate it. #at least people mostly just say I look a lot like my siblings because they are so much older than me #but jeez. every time i bite the skin on my finger tips and my nails #i get reminded that dad does that all of the time and I picked up the habit from him #i fucking hate it. i hate it do much. #i mean #i look in the mirror and i know it's me #but thats not who I want to be. thats not what i want to look like. #I don't know what i want to look like but it's not like my parents and not like a girl and that gets rid of barely anything #i just. don't feel comfortable like this. but what the fuck am I supposed to do about it? #i mean. there's nothing objectivly wrong with how I look. 5'3 and about 145 pounds. green eyes blonde hair. it's fine. #but it's too much like them. and it just doesn't feel like me. I don't want that to be me. #every time i wonder if I'm not trans/agender at all. i get reminded that adding calling myself a boy into pep talks makes me so happy. #along with that. when my hair gets dark in the winter and my hair gets tied back. i look in the mirror and it's a bit better. #but not fully better. i still have my chest and every other bad thing about myself. #and after randomly venting into these tags out of nowhere I've come to the conclusion that this probably isn't normal #snd something else is likely wrong with me. but eh. just add it to the pile I guess.

[sherlock-is-ace]

.

#psicoanalysing myself in the tags this time so it's easier to ignore on y'all's dashes #don't say i don't care fo you guys <3 #lol #no but of course i'm still thinking about autism tratis (haven't stopped thinking about it for one second) #everything i do or think now i'm comparing it to a list of autistic traits and drawing the same conclusion... #there is a big fat chance i am autistic (i'm now like 90% sure but i'm still looking things up) #anyways one big thing that is very annoying for me right now is masking... #i think i've done it all my life to such extent that i don't know what i've been faking and what's been real.. #i overcompensate A LOT so i feel like i can't bring this up to people who know me (spacially my mom) #cause none of them would believe me *because* i overcompensate so much #and i'm drawing a lot of parallels with gender stuff #like to people who see me around I am VERY MUCH a girl #but for me and the people close to me i'm very clearly not #it's just that my enormous aversion to bringing attention to myself won't allow me to be myself #like i will overcompensate my masculinity by being very feminine when i'm out and about #because i know how i look! and it's more ''''normal'''' to see an afab behaving like a woman #and i don't want to be ''the trans weirdo'' everywhere i go #same with social situations. i act like i don't hate speaking because the thought of having to explain that i hate speaking #and being labeld as weird terrifies me #i once brought this up to my therapist and she dismissed it very quickly (which is why i'm no longer in therapy...) #but like i was explaining to her that i'm so anxious about going into a shop to buy anything and once i was with my mom #and i was expecting her to go and buy the things but she sent me in (validly *I* was the one that needed the things lol) #and i went in and did the buying... seemingly normal #but what wasn't seen was my thought process #the idea of having to embarrass myself in front of my mother and in public as a 20 yo who couldn't go into a shop... #and then have a back and forth discussion with my mother about how stupid that was and having to justify my anxiety and the confrontation #that was WAY worse in my head than just going in having a horrible time and buying what i needed in like 10 minutes you know? #the ''''social'''' decision i made wasn't because i don't have social anxiety it was because that was the least worse option #and i tried explaining this to my therapist and she just said ''if you had anxiety you wouldn't have gone in'' #and changed the subject... just because i didn't fit what he textbook said was anxiety

[zemnarihah]

i've been having. gender issues i must say

#i think like in a different and much more progressive world i would like almost certainly id as nonbinary in some way but like #idk i do think i have dysphoria esp w my chest lately but i don't think it's to the level that my life would be improved by like #going by different pronouns and coming out w a different gender label and stuff #bc it's just so incredibly inconvenient and like especially in my area ppl would either not take me serious or like be straight up hateful #i also think i'm not like. NOT a woman like i've lived as a woman my whole life i don't think i'll ever see myself as like divorced from tha #but it's just. still not quite right yk #like i feel pretty uncomfortable w most traditional femininity but i feel COMPLETELY uncomfortable w almost all masculinity so it's like. #idk #not cis or trans but another secret third thing yk #i mean at the end of the day there's not rlly any point in doing anything abt it and i think i have had lapses like this before and have had #times where i think i was fairly comfortable w being a woman and w my body (relatively) so maybe it's just smth that will come and go u know #i just wish i was like 50% more androgynous looking and like. didn't have tits. and could go by a pronoun that like isn't she/he or they #but is also very normal and commonly understood that nobody will be weird or confused abt #so. idk #like now that i think abt it there's no pronoun that i actually feel good abt ppl using for me. but i think that might also be bc i feel #uncomfortable w the idea of people even talking abt me at all #i think i'm starting to understand people who use it/it's lol #i mean before i never liked judged them or anything like i always use peoples correct pronouns but i was always like huh idk why someone #would want that #and now i like. see the appeal. kind of divorced from gender and identity in general. it's nice

[aromantic-pantyanarchy]

It's me. I'm the cis, heterosexual, aromantic man. I will never marry, I will never be married, I will grow into middle age and elder age and I will die unmarried. I will be forced to support a household of myself on only my wages alone for the rest of my life. I will be asked about women and marriage and children by my family for the rest of my life (or men, the progressive ones might say). I may not ever come out to them. I feel like I burned my coming out on something stupid. I don't want to explain it. I don't want to run them through the definitions and intricacies. I don't want the acceptance without understanding, placating me with ceased questions and poor explanations to other, drunk adults.

I like my hair to be long, I spent a year with it dyed a golden blonde with dark roots because I like the trashy party girl aesthetic. I want to dye it again with pink tips. I like painting my nails, black and blue are my favorite colors. I like wearing chokers. I also like wearing baggy jeans and ratty hoodies. I like having stubble. I like having chest hair. I like having a square jaw and broad shoulders. I wish I had a flatter stomach and a thinner profile frame. I don't know what this makes me, perhaps this is something no more GNC than Machine Gun Kelly. I think about this a lot, how queer my appearance truly is. I should think about it less. I have thought long and hard about if I could be trans or if I could be non-binary or if I could be genderqueer and the conclusion I ultimately came to is that I most enjoy being a man open to whatever self-expression I want.

I don't date, but I've thought about it. I would like to meet people, and I would like to have sex with them. But I don't want to hurt them. I fear if I explain what I am beforehand it'll scare them away. I fear if I explain after they'll feel manipulated or abused. I don't know how many people in the dating scene want what I want. I fear my own lack of experience will make me a bad lay, an embarrassing story to tell to confidants in hindsight. I fear my own virginity, a boundary to those I wish to be like. All of these fears are baseless, as I've not been able to even begin a single relationship in my life. Despite this I still heavily identify with terms like "slut" and "manwhore" and "thot" because my interests lay so deeply within casual sex, sex without great intimacy or emotion. This may be some form of stolen valor. I hope the true sluts are not too mad at me.

I made this blog several years ago because a mutual of mine reblogged memes making fun of aro and ace people, making fun of the concept of aphobia, and in addition well known aphobes. I didn't feel comfortable talking about aro stuff on my main blog, for as little as I talk about it. Living through the ace discourse of the 2016 era has largely caused me to cringe in embarrassment any time I am forced to discuss my orientation with people who aren't aro or ace themselves. I no longer follow this person. I unfollowed many people I was mutuals with from that time, most of them because they posted too often about how much they hated men and I didn't want to see that, some because our interests simply drifted too far apart, only one for explicit aphobia reasons. (Also one because they became a "both sides are bad, any vote is wasted" libertarian, but that's unrelated.)

I guess at this point I don't care deeply about what strangers on the internet think of me. If a trusted friend told me that they don't think I'm truly queer that may hurt. But I am going to continue to use the word for myself. I take up no resources. I go to events that are open to me. If an event was not open to me, I think I'd not want to go anyways. I am not a hypothetical, I am not a strawman, I am a person with lived experiences both within and exterior to the queer community. If you hate me, I will permit you to continue to do so. But ultimately, I am who I am, I cannot change these facts, and I would not choose to do so even if I could.

#aromantic #aro #aro positivity #reference to aphobia

[catgirlwizard]

.

#personal #i just need to rant somewhere about how much i love my partner!!!!! #he's so sweet and supportive and its so nice being with another autistic trans person with ptsd cause theres so much less about myself that #i have to explain. even though we're different people and have different reactions and feelings and opinions theres still that commonality #like even if i love the texture of velvet and he hates it. i know what its like to feel a texture and feel like my hand is tingling and my #anxiety spike at little sensory things like that. thats just an example but its really nice having someone who is their own person but #still understands the feelings i have and i can understand his. and he's SO incredibly patient. and he's a much more literal and straight #forward person than i'm used to which is such a nice change of pace. growing up autistic there were so many situations where people said or #did one thing but meant another and i struggled to understand them and it led to getting hurt and learning to be hyperaware and overanalyze #every interaction to find out how people were upset with me to the point the littlest thing would be a travesty. but with him its so simple #he means the things he says and doesn't obfuscate or lie to me about stuff he tries to be as open and honest with me as he can and if he #doesn't explain something it's because he doesn't know how to express it not because he's hiding it. i wish i could be more like him #and im trying really hard to learn that and unlearn the tendencies i picked up in toxic situations that make communication hard for me. #he makes me really excited for the future. and he makes me feel safe and supported in a way ive never felt in any relationships before. #its nice knowing i can just be myself around him. all versions of myself and he won't be upset with me for any of them. even if maybe he #should be upset when i get bitchy. but when i start getting annoyed over little things he doesnt pick up on it which gives me time to #analyze why im upset and correct my behavior and do better and calm down instead of getting more overwhelmed and not having any way to #express it except the passive aggressive tendencies i learned throughout my childhood. and when i apologize for that he says he didnt #pick up on things and that i can't help how i feel because its a gut reaction not something i choose. and hes right but also even if i cant #choose how i feel. i can still work on how i react to feelings. and i want to keep getting better at reacting in a more constructive way. #he really honestly values me communicating with him and telling him how i feel. which is SO SO SO incredible and im so lucky to have a #partner who genuinely cares about how im feeling and wants to work with me on it and know how to help because for so long i havent been in #situations where i can express feelings so i just bottle it all up and try to deal with it on my own because people before have used me #talking about feelings as a way to twist things around and blame me for their own problems. or invalidated how i felt. or not cared. #but when i talk to him i know everything he says is genuine so even through all my trauma and paranoia i know i can trust him hes proven #himself to he honest and genuine and legitimate enough times i can trust he's not faking it thats just really the type of person he is and #its so amazing and im incredibly lucky to have someone so patient and kind and supportive in my life <3 #and for the first time in a relationship i don't feel terrified of the future! i'm not constantly thinking about when he'll leave me or #when i'll leave him. or how things could go wrong between us and trying to prepare for that so i don't get hurt. i just think about all the #ways i want to build a real future together with him. and when we talk about future stuff like wanting a house even if we might never

[submalevolentgrace]

if i say "the queer community", i am referring to the community of self identified queers. if you're not a self identified queer, then i wasn't talking about you!

"i don't like to be called queer because it hurt me!" cool, fine, whatever. the word gay hurt me, i get it. but see, i didn't actually call you queer, i was talking about, and this might be difficult to follow; people who like being queer! that's why i said "queer community", to refer to the broad community of queers.

"but i'm gay/lesbian/bi/ace/whatever and i don't like it being used as an umbrella term!" okay, cool. if someone forces you under an umbrella you don't like that sure does suck! i hate being forced under the "LBGT+" umbrella myself. i absolutely loathed "trans*", i get it, trust me. i would like to draw your attention to the fact that i just said "queer community", which explicit in text and implicit in meaning, refers to a community of people... bare with me here.... people who are queer. if you do not consider yourself queer.... then it wasn't about you. it was about me and my community.

"but i know what group you're talking about and it applies to me too!" okay but you see that, you see that you're putting yourself under the umbrella there right? and then complaining about it, right? it's not my fault you decided it was about you? you're always going "it's okay for you to use, but" and then attack us when we do use it for ourselves, by shoving yourself under an imagined umbrella of your construction, hurting us in the shove, and then screaming like you were forced in here.

"but it's a--" listen.

listen to me.

you might think i'm being obstinant and maybe i am a little! but i'm trying to illuminate a point here. you've constructed an idea in your head of "us" as a monolith, a singular group that you want covered by a singular umbrella with a singular term; and you've decided that this "us" group - including you - is who i'm talking about right now, and then you've gotten shitty at me for using a word you don't like for an idea you projected over my words.

but here's the secret: there is no singular group like that. there is no monolith. there is no singular cohesive "us". there's just people, individuals with infinite experiences and selves and sexualities and genders and loves and all these beautiful things, and sometimes when we're similar enough we band together into groups and pick labels; gay, trans, queer, rainbow, whatever. these are just names, names for imagined groups, imagined groups with fake made up boundaries! people will argue there are definitions, gay means this, lesbian means that; but people will always disagree, so the names expand and the groups get broader. msm, wlw, bi, pan, genderqueer, rainbow quiltbag alphabet soup!

and you can expand and contact and refine and broaden but you will never cover everyone. at some point, you have to just accept letting people self define, and decide if they want to be in the group. if you have a "gay" group, the socially straight msm will get shitty at being called gay and it's not the fault of either the gays or the word "gay" that they're not included! people will expand and stretch and redefine and shrink, all these groups and labels will ebb and flow as different people have different needs and want to include - and exclude!- different people for their communities.

but some of "us", many generations ago, got sick and tired of constantly redefining labels and groups and decided to pick a nice word for ourselves and welcome anyone who liked it to use it, and that's queer. maybe it was already a slur that we reclaimed, maybe it was already our word before it became a slur, maybe it was just common slang for someone a little unusual and oddball and we liked that! historians both academic and communal disagree! it doesn't even matter, it's our word; "our" being anyone who likes it. if you like "queer" and want to be queer and respect the existing queers, you're welcome. and generation after generation, we pass it on for anyone to use, to say: it's okay not to box yourself in, it's okay not to define yourself down to the molecule, it's okay to be free, to come and go, to love and be whatever. it's our sanctuary. you are queer if you want to be queer. that is the gift that was given to me by the queers that came before me, i will gift it in turn to anyone that wants to carry it forwards. not everyone has to be queer, but we chose to be.

and you motherfuckers.

you motherfuckers keep smashing through the windows of our sanctuary, declaring it to be your umbrella, scream about slurs like we've never been hurt in our lives, and then hurl violence and vitriol at us because you personally hate being inside our sanctuary and want the entire structure destroyed and rebuilt for you.

fuck you.

i suffered through years of torment and abuse being called gay and having it spat at me with hate, being berated in church for questioning love, being screamed at and beaten by family and classmates and having them spit - literally - the word gay at me. i suffered through it, i survived it, i flourished to spite it and was embraced by queers who taught me love for myself and gave me safe sanctuary in this beautiful, ambiguous word, and you don't get to take that away from me.

if i say "us queers" and you come at me about how it hurts you and start yelling about umbrellas and slurs: 1) i wasn't fucking talking about you, 2) you're not part of my community and don't get to tell me what i call it, and 3) you are the fucking problem here, you are the one doing the hurting right now.

when you come into my community of queers and tell me that our sanctuary is "a slur", you are indistinguishable to me from the people spitting "gay" as they beat me.

if you're gay as in happy, you're free to be that and i won't stop you or tell you your whole core is a slur. you pick whatever umbrella you want to imagine for yourself, and i'll probably chose not to stand under it.

because i am queer. as in fuck. you.

and you will have to kill me to stop me being queer

#sometimes anger is better out than in

[were--ralph]

Hey i saw you ranting about trans men on a post, and i was just wondering a few things. This is a genuine question, as a stelth trans man, i really cant find anything about a pre op transitioning body attractive. Especially a pre op Chest. Now i do take testosterone, and i think that the parts that i find gross (ex: tits mixed with chest hair) are a perfectly acceptable thing to deal with so i can look the way i want to look. I love my body hair and my muscle growth, i just dont love the obviously not cis parts of me. What do you find attractive about this? I truely cannot for the life of me understand why people find trans men attractive but i would really like to understand.

I think spicy food is disgusting generally. it's like. hot and not fun and to me it adds nothing good to the food experience. Genuinely I don't understand why people enjoy hot foods it makes like. literally no sense.

and yet, people do. it's weird. I've tried on multiple occasions to get into spicy food and it just. suks. every single time it sucks. But everyone else in my family lives by it. And I've asked why for years literally unable to understand it until I realized.

sometimes people just. like things. things I certainly don't like and cannot enjoy whatsoever. But at the same time, this is true for me and not for them. I fucking love coffee to the point I drink it more than water most days, but no one else in my family likes it. BUT other people outside my family enjoy it too.

Life is weird and what I'm getting at is something that took me a lifetime to understand and I still can't wrap my head around it all the time.

People just like things. People love things and hate things. What things mean to one person can mean the world to another and death to the third. There's not always a reason for it, but what you have to do is accept that there are things in life that you just might not like much right now. but as time goes on you'll find value in it the same way your partner will find value in you and all the minuscule things you do and become and like and dislike.

And to build on that point, there are things I hated as a kid that I'm fine with and even love now. Each day changes you more than you'll ever know and with those changes, the acceptance that comes with them may be easier or harder.

So, to answer your question, I don't know! I just love men. Men with tits or pecs, men with vaginas or dicks. maybe both at the same time or neither at all! I just think men are generally attractive no matter the design or what's different about them. and not just men but people who present as masc in general. If you're masc nb there's a chance I'm looking at you through the window of a bar as much as if you were cis-male or trans-male.

I do know for some men, the allure of masculinity displaced with the typically-feminine concept of a vagina intrigues them. Maybe it's the juxtaposition of them together, maybe they just want something unique and new to them. Maybe they just really like vaginas and it doesn't matter who it's attached to, or maybe they just like trans men. Same thing with boobs, some guys just like boobs. Some men have boobs. the overlap doesn't mean net-negative results, it could be double positive.

And I don't expect you to love everything about yourself, god knows I don't love everything about myself, and despite people telling me what's good about me I can still find flaws within it whenever I choose. I think men with chest hair are hot as fuck, but also I've seen some smooth men that are just as if not hotter. I love me a fat man or a man with muscles, but i've seen twinks i'd demolish in one sitting as well. I've seen men with dicks and boobs and scars and and hair pretty much everything under the sun and sometimes I want them to sit on me and forget I'm there and smother me.

What you do have to do though is accept that you have those things, and you are those things, and even though you may not like those things you have to accept that they're a part of you and find value in that. And it's not an easy task at all to love yourself, but you have to try because even if you don't right now, there's a partner who will be waiting for you somewhere. there's a future version of you who loves you as you are. there are friends who love your flaws, pets who don't judge, and there are a lot of things that accept you as you are.

So just say you have boobs and chest hair. even if you don't love it about yourself right now know that there are and will always be people who do, and personally I've said before, but I wish i had boobs and chest hair it's just a perfect look to me. I'm fine with whatever my gender is, i just think its a good look. If I had money for top and bottom surgery I'd get it and never look back. You just have to find the value in yourself we all know is there, and if you can't just know that we know it's there and let that carry you through the day!

#i think i lost the plot a bit #but you get it

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

up until recently i ran a pretty popular radfem blog (stay with me, this ask is in good faith) but after i took a social media detox, i realized i don’t share those beliefs anymore and in fact i might be trans myself. i just kind of abandoned the blog, but i’d feel bad if i didn’t tell my followers what happened. i’m scared of telling anyone because i feel like i’d be a bad feminist if i transitioned. (i know, you can be trans and a feminist just fine, but that’s just the kind of thing radfems tell you.) even worse, i’m scared of posting about it on my main or radfem blog because radfems and trans people by and large hate each other (obv), and i’m scared to mention i’ve been in both groups because of the hate i’ll get

Lee says:

When I first started as a mod, I would have told you that you need to immediately post on all your blogs to disown the transphobic beliefs you had previously expressed to try to make up for the harm that you may have perpetrated as a radfem.

Now that I'm a little older, my feelings on the topic have shifted a bit. Before anything else, I think you need to slow down and make sure that you ensure your own safety and mental health.

If you believe that revealing this change to your followers could result in backlash online that would affect you emotionally, it's crucial to prepare by turning off anonymous asks and muting notifications from social media apps.

You should also make sure you have a non-online place to turn for support. If they used to be your community, you may feel like you've lost online friends, so make sure you don't become too isolated. Instead, lean on your IRL connections and seek support from trans-friendly people in your community.

You may even want to consider looking for a therapist-- questioning being trans can be difficult for anyone, and adding a layer of internalized transphobia doesn't help.

When you're ready to share your feelings on your blog, you should write a thoughtful post explaining your journey. You don't have to justify your identity; rather, focus on your personal growth, how your views have evolved, and how you came to understand yourself better. Acknowledge the complexity of the situation and that you're still learning.

These people were once your buddies and there's a chance you may be able to make some of them question their beliefs too if you don't lash out at them and trigger that instinctual defensive us-versus-them mindset, so I would try to keep a friendly tone even while noting that you no longer support them.

So thank your followers for their support and engagement over the years, but tell them you aren't comfortable staying part of their community now that you've realized that the beliefs underpinning the group are doing damage and you are trying to unlearn that type of thinking.

Gently challenge any misconceptions you once held or promoted. Clarify that being trans and feminist are not mutually exclusive and that everyone deserves respect and equality, regardless of their gender identity.

If you're comfortable, share resources that helped you on your journey. This could be educational materials, support groups, books you found helpful, or contact information for trans-supportive LGBTQ+ organizations. If there's anything you'd recommend to others who were once in the same place as you were on getting out, this is the time to share your advice.

Understand that reactions will likely be mixed. Some followers may feel confused, betrayed, or angry, while others might be supportive or even share their similar experiences. Remember, you're not responsible for their reactions and you don't need to respond to them if you don't want to argue and they aren't willing to have a respectful conversation.

Be clear about your boundaries. Let your followers know what kind of comments you're willing to engage with and that hate or harassment won't be tolerated. You can even stop engaging with the account altogether if you don't think you can deal with the hate that you may receive.

You don't have to post about this immediately. Again, it's okay to take as much time as you need to feel ready. It's okay to wait until you're in a safe and stable position before making any announcements.

If you do post about it and get hate, remind yourself that you're doing the right thing by letting go of that community, and that you're not only making the right choice for your own life in allowing yourself the freedom to explore your gender identity but you're also doing the right thing overall since you're now standing up for the trans community (late is better than never!) and no longer encouraging transphobic narratives.

If you feel that your current blog is no longer a space where you can express yourself authentically, consider starting a new blog or platform where you can write freely about your experiences and beliefs. Or just get offline altogether-- your digital detox is what started this, so maybe it's healthy for you to continue it for a while!

If you tell someone "I support trans folks" and they send you hate, that person is not your friend anyway. This is an opportunity to meet nice people who you can be yourself with. I would really encourage you to connect with IRL activists who are actually regularly volunteering and doing something concrete for their community if you have the opportunity.

When I was in high school, I volunteered at my local library's teen advisory board, and when I was in college I volunteered at a local hospital and through my college. This weekend I'm starting training for volunteering in-person for my town's emergency preparedness group which also does things like help to unload trucks for the food pantry, and I also volunteer remotely for two organizations online.

I'm really pushing for you to get out and volunteer (online or IRL) because I know one draw of the radfem community is feeling like you're an activist and that you're supporting women's rights and protecting and defending women. And it is important to support women's rights and protect and defend women! But there are other ways to do that beyond running a hateful blog attacking trans women.

I have a friend who works at an organization for survivors of domestic violence, for example, and she works with volunteers who help staff events, answer the hotline, etc. You can look around and see what local initiatives there are in your community and if you can't find the thing you're looking for you can start a group yourself or look online and join a national or state-wide cause that you care about, like pushing the legislature to support access to abortions.

Giving up the radfem community doesn't mean giving up feminism, and this is a good opportunity for you to take a look at your own time, your values, and think about how you can take this chance to start working to be a more effective feminist. Not everyone has to be an activist, but if you want to be one, think about how you can start doing good in a way that will actually affect people in a positive way.

I've also often been involved in doing events like conferences and workshops and panels IRL from my time in high school to the present day to try and educate folks on the community, but I also know that sometimes you need to take a step back and prioritize yourself. If you think you're not ready to jump into making change that's also okay. Just join something. A soccer team, a book club, anything hobby-related, to have something else to do and talk about and think about and stay tethered to feeling part of something.

Remember, it's okay to grow and change. You're not betraying anyone by being true to yourself. It's a courageous step to admit when your views have changed, and it's an integral part of personal growth. Be kind to yourself during this process.

Whether or not you end up identify as trans, you still will be doing the right thing by separating yourself from that community. I know it may be difficult because they were a place where you felt supported and part of a movement, but I really believe that you're taking steps in the right direction by letting go of that ideology and just living your life!

Followers, if you have any experiences unlearning toxic beliefs please reply with your advice for anon!

#Lee says #transphobia m